Tag: Jay Pharoah

The Adventures of Young Ben Carson

Elizabeth Banks

Richie… Beck Bennett

Sasheer Zamata

Ben… Jay Pharoah

Mom… Leslie Jones

Black Jesus… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Ben Carson’s Book and the newspaper articles]

Male voice: The media went after him pretty hard even though he’s one of the most accomplished doctors in all the land. A true American success story. But I knew him before all that. Back when he was just another brother from the streets of Detroit. Back when he was young Ben Carson.

[Screen showing “The Adventures of Young Ben Carson”.]

Adapted from the stories of Dr. Ben Carson.

[Cut to Detroit in 1968. Elizabeth, Richie and Sasheer are talking in the street.]

Elizabeth: And he thought Richie would back down.

Richie: Yeah. So I told him, “Don’t listen to me. [showing his handgun] Listen to my two friends. Smith and Wessen.

Elizabeth: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Sasheer: You think that’s bad. You ought to meet my boyfriend Ben.

[Ben walks in]

Ben: Did somebody say my name?

Richie: Ben?

Ben: Yeah, what are you doing in this neighborhood? Like a Muslin in the White House, you don’t belong.

[Cut to Elizabeth and Richie]

Elizabeth: Wait, what?

Richie: [fake laughing] You’re out there Ben, you’re crazy, man!

[Cut to Sasheer and Ben. Sasheer looks worried.]

Ben: Excuse me? What did you say about me?

Sasheer: Ben, don’t. Your temper. He’s mad now!

[Cut to Elizabeth and Richie]

Elizabeth: Really? He’s angry?

[Cut to Sasheer and Ben.]

Really?

Ben: [speaks calmly] I am hot with rage. And right now, I’m about to go off. I feel like I might have to cut you.

[Ben takes a knife out]

[Sasheer screams and runs away]

[Cut to Ben, Elizabeth and Richie]

Here comes with the quickness.

[Ben is moving slowly towards Richie]

Elizabeth: Quick! Stick out your belt.

[Ben hits Richie’s belt buckle with his knife and drops it]

Ben: Ah, man! Blocked by a belt buckle. This happens all the time.

[Mom walks in]

Mom: Ben, what are you dong?

Ben: Oh, my ma. We were just playing.

Mom: Get off these streets and back in the library. You’re going to ruin your future and end up in jail.

Ben: I can’t go to prison, my ma. People go to prison straight and come out gay. I’m not ready to be gay.

Mom: That don’t make no sense, Ben. And open your damn eyes.

Ben: Oh, my eyes are open, my ma. Wide and full of rage. Now it’s time to open your’s.

[Ben fetches a hammer]

Mom: Oh, damn! He got a hammer!

Elizabeth: Quick, put this belt on your head.

[Elizabeth puts a belt on Mom’s forehead.]

[Ben is about to hit Mom]

Male speaker: Halt!

[Ben looks around to see who it is]

Ben: Who is that?

[Cut to Black Jesus walking in. He is walking on smoke and wearing a white robe.]

Black Jesus: It’s me, black Jesus.

[Cut to Ben]

Ben: Amazing.

[Cut to Ben and Black Jesus]

Black Jesus: Open your eyes, my son. Why are you out here on the streets acting like a fool? You know I created humans like you to be the most evolved species.

Ben: But evolution isn’t real or we’d have the fossils to prove it. And those fossils don’t exist.

Black Jesus: Not so sure about that. But you still need to act right. You have a higher purpose, Ben. Someday, you’ll save hundreds of lives. Inspire thousands of kids, and make millions of people say, “How did he get up there?”

Ben: But black Jesus, I don’t have any friends. Will you be my friend?

Black Jesus: I guess.

Ben: Fantastic. Let’s go get our portraits painted together.

Black Jesus: Well sure, as long as you put it up in your house.

Ben: Alright.

[Cut to a picture of Jesus and Ben Carson doing high-five. Their bodies are drawn like in kid’s school.]

Black Jesus: And we were friends. Best friends. We went to Yale together. We separated twins together. We went to Egypt and saw the ancient grain silo. [Picture has Ben and Mom, and there are pyramids behind them.] That’s a lot of grain.

[Cut to Ben and Black Jesus]

Ben: Everything black Jesus said came true. I became respected surgeon and a multi-millionaire all in America that today is very like Nazi Germany.

[Black Jesus clears his throat]

Black Jesus: Oh, Ben. You crazy. Haha.

Ben: [looking disappointed] What did you say about me?

[Ben pulls his knife out]

Black Jesus: You gonna cut Jesus?

[Cut to The Adventures of Young Ben Carson outro]

[The End]

Aron’s List

Vanessa Bayer

Dan… Pete Davidson

George… Bobby Moynihan

Terry… Jay Pharoah

Plumber… Beck Bennett

Carpenter… Kenan Thompson

Piano Tuner…Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Vanessa looking at the laptop]

Male voice: Shopping online is as easy as it gets. Wouldn’t it be great if hiring plumbers, carpenters and even piano tuners was just as simple? Now it is, with Aron’s list. With just a few clicks, you can find anyone from a handy man to a house cleaner.

Vanessa: Like Angie’s List?

Male voice: Sure! Except we offer prices 30% lower than our competitors.

Vanessa: Wow, where do you find these guys, Aron?

Male voice: Oh, I’m not Aron. Aron’s stands for the American Registry Of Nonviolent Sex offenders.

[Cut to Vanessa looking at the plumber, carpenter and the piano tuner.

Vanessa: What?

Male voice: Look, no one wants to hire the bad kind of sex offender. That’s why, Aron’s list only features nonviolent individuals who committed low level sexual misdemeanors. Like, streaking, public urination, missed the cutoff on statutory stuff, toilet camera and penis pranks. And their offender status makes them eager to find jobs of any kind.

Vanessa: Huh! So, do you have lawn specialist?

[Cut to Dan, Lawn Care Specialist at the lawn]

Dan: I’m sorry and I’m ready to work.

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: What about janitors for my small business?

[Cut to George, Janitor with his mop]

George: There are literally thousands of us.

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: Even dog walkers?

[Cut to Terry, Dog Walker]

Terry: I’ll do it

Male voice: And they’ll always be up front about their offenses.

[Cut to Dan]

Dan: I exposed myself on a jumbotron. Ha-ha. Take that kiss-cam!

[Cut to George]

George: I peed on all the file cabinets marked P.

[Cut to Vanessa with plumber, carpenter and the piano tuner in her house]

Vanessa: Wow, where have you guys been all my life?

Plumber: Let’s just say living in a tent village under the highway.

[Everybody laughing, while carpenter takes a picture of Vanessa’s under skirt using a selfie stick.]

Male voice: Aron’s list.  Because the real crime is high prices.

Hotline Bling Parody

Drake… Jay Pharoah

Father… Beck Bennett

Teacher… Taran Killam

Tax guy… Donald Trump

Ed Grimley… Martin Short

[Starts with Jay Pharoah mimicking Drake’s Hotline Bling music video]

Song: I know you make fun of my…
I know you, I know you
I know you make fun of my dance moves
turn me into meme and gifs
but I’m proud of my dance moves
coz lots of people dance like this
bet your father dance like me

Old man: Like I just turned 53.

Song: Your physics teacher dance like me

Teacher: Dancing in the homecoming

Song: I just let the music make me move
Shimmy like a drunk guy when his team scores
do a little cha-cha at the dance floor
never seen a rapper dance like this before?
I’m standing by my dance moves
I call this one the sneaky fish
I bet y’all like this dance move
and this one’s called the miracle whip

Old man: You know when I sway my hips
I do cool things with my lips

[Ed Grimley is dancing]

Song: Ed Grimley invented this
taught me how to jump and twist

Ed Grimley: Drizzy Drake has stole my moves and that’s no lie.

Song: Yeah, you’ve been waiting for this moment
well people, here it is
dads are getting in on this
teachers getting in on this

[Donald Trump as tax guy dancing Hotline Bling.]

your tax guys getting in on this

Donald Trump: [singing] You used to call me on the cell phone

Song: Lots of people dance like this

Donald Trump: [singing and dancing] You used to call me on the cell phone

Song: I swear it’s cool to dance like this

[Everybody is dancing Hotline Bling]

[The End]

Band with Laser Harp

Kenan Thompson

Tommy T. Vilaris… Beck Bennett

Tanya Grapes… Aidy Bryant

Joe Hobs… Jay Pharoah

Shina Ray… Cecily Strong

Blade… Kate McKinnon

Jean Breads… Donald Trump

Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with a band playing in a bar]

Backup singer: Yadi Yadi

Kenan: Are we there yet?

Backup singer: Yadi Yadi

Kenan: I bet he feels just like me

[music stops]

Thank you very much, Lake George. Wow, what a great crowd tonight. So, let’s meet the band. On the bass guitar, it’s Tommy T. Vilaris.

[Cut to Tommy. He plays a bass solo]

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: On the keyboards, give it up for miss Tanya Grapes.

[Cut to Tanya. She plays keyboard solo.]

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: He’s our drummer and our band’s resting hound, Joe Hobs.

[Cut to Joe. He plays drums solo.]

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Yeah, Joe. And over here, singing back up vocals and light dancing, Shina Ray and Blade.

[Cut to Shina and Blade. They start singing and dancing.]

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Alright. And where would we be without our very own, Jean Breads on laser harp.

[Cut to Jean on laser harp. He just plays two keys and looks at Kenan]

[Cut to Kenan disappointed.]

Kenan: Is that it? Is that your whole solo?

[Cut to Jean]

Jean: I guess it has to be.

[Cut to Tommy]

Tommy: What do you mean? What’s wrong, Jean Breads?

[Cut to Jean]

Jean: Oh, nothing. It’s just every night, everyone’s solos get longer and longer, by the time I get there nobody is even listening.

[Cut to Shina and Blade]

Blade: Jean, we’re doing the same thing we always do. We always– we go…

[Shina and Blade start singing and dancing.]

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Now, Shina Ray, Blade, let him finish his thought.

[Cut to Jean]

Jean: It doesn’t matter. I mean, I’m only playing the most fantastic instrument ever made. It’s lasers!

[Cut to Tanya]

Tanya: Well then, play them Jean Breads.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Oh, easy Tanya. We are in front of an audience.

[Cut to Shina and Blade]

Shina: That’s right guys. There are eight people here that wanna kill our show.

[Cut to the eight people in the audience]

[Bobby walks in]

Bobby: Whoop! Sorry, there’s nine now. Sorry, I just got here.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Oh, well great. Would you like us to re-introduce ourselves?

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: Yeah. I would love that. Just so I know who’s on what instrument. Yes.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Okay. Real fast so that there’s plenty of time for Jean at the end. Let’s go. Tanya Grapes!

[Cut to Tanya. She plays keyboard solo.]

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Tommy T. Vilaris.

[Cut to Tommy. He plays a bass solo]

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Joe Hobs.

[Cut to Joe. He plays drums solo.]

Kenan: Yeah, Joe. Shina Ray and Blade.

[Cut to Shina and Blade. They start singing and dancing.]

[Cut to Jean. He is dancing.]

Jean: Here we go. It’s my moment.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Hang on a second. I almost forgot, I sometimes play the sax.

[Kenan starts playing sax solo]

[Cut to Jean getting disappointed]

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: And Jean Breads–

Jean: I quit.

Kenan: –on the laser harp.

[Cut to Jean]

Jean: Let me just tell ya’. I quit.

[Cut to the band]

All: No.

Joe: Don’t be like that, Jean.

[Cut to Jean]

Jean: I joined this band to be a part of a team.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: But you are, Jean Breads. You are a part of this.

[Cut to Jean]

Jean: I’m not if you don’t give me a chance to shine.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: You’re right. Please take all the time you need. Play your laser harp.

[Cut to Jean]

Jean: Great! I’m about to rock this place down.

[Jean starts playing his laser harp and dancing]

[Tommy comes in]

Tommy: Oh, he’s doing it. Look at the audience.

[Tommy leaves]

[Cut to the bar. There is no audience.]

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Wow!

Joe: I guess they’re leaving to tell their friends. Hit it guys!

[The End]\

Where Jackie Chan At Right Now

Tracy Morgan

Kenan Thompson

Chris Tucker… Kenan Thompson

Chuck Norris… Kyle Mooney

Steven Seagal… Bobby Moynihan

Owen Wilson… Taran Killam

Sasheer Zamata

Osama Bin Laden… Pete Davidson

[Starts with “Yo! Where Jackie Chan At Right Now?” intro]

Male voice: And now it’s time for “Yo! Where Jackie Chan At Right Now?”

[Morgan and Kenan are sitting on a sofa at their set]

Morgan: Alright, welcome to ‘Yo! Where Jackie Chan At Right Now?’

Kenan: As always, we asking the question. Where Jackie Chan at right now?

Morgan: I wanna know where he at.

Kenan: I wanna know where he at and what he doing right now.

Morgan: Where is he? Where is Jackie Chan? And just don’t tell us he’s in Asia.

Kenan: Yeah! Jackie Chan was in movies as well as karate. And nobody knows where he is.

Morgan: Where the heck are you, Jackie Chan? Don’t do this to us.

Kenan: Okay, the phone lines are open.

Morgan: Caller one, where Jackie Chan at?

Rebecca S.: Is he in Asia?

Morgan: I just said don’t tell me that.

Kenan: We checked with Asia. He’s not there. Next caller. Where is Jackie Chan?

Grace S.: Maybe he has lost all his money and he’s living in the woods.

Morgan: Wrong. I called him. He’s worth $48 trillion. This call is over. Case dismissed.

Kenan: Okay, caller three, where is Jackie Chan?

Theo S.: Um, are you sure he’s still alive?

Morgan: You fat dummy. Jackie Chan is 26. You think he’s dead? He’ll come over there and karate-chop you on your face.

Kenan: You are banned from this show. Okay, it’s time to meed our guest. Chris Tucker, where Jackie Chan at?

[Cut to Chris Tucker]

Chris Tucker: Yo! You wanna know where Jackie Chan at? You wanna know where he at? I tell you where Jackie Chan at. I don’t know! I don’t know! I don’t know. Man, I don’t know, man!

[Cut to Morgan and Kenan]

Chris Tucker: Well, then why you come on our show?

[Cut to Chris Tucker]

Chris Tucker: Taxes.

[Cut to Morgan and Kenan]

Morgan: People need to respect this show. Next guest.

Kenan: Chuck Norris. Where is Jackie Chan?

[Cut to Chuck Norris in his fighting stance.]

Chuck Norris: I don’t know.

[Cut to Morgan and Kenan]

Kenan: Steven Seagal, where Jackie Chan at?

[Cut to Steven Seagal]

Steven Seagal: I couldn’t tell ya’.

[Cut to Morgan and Kenan]

Morgan: Owen Wilson, where is Jackie Chan?

[Cut to Owen Wilson]

Owen Wilson: I don’t know man, it’s weird.

[Cut to Morgan and Kenan]

Kenan: Lady from Karma, San Diego, where is Jackie Chan?

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: Sorry, gum shoes.

[Sasheer looks through a magnifying glass]

[Cut to Morgan and Kenan]

Morgan: Young Osama Bin Laden, you know where Jackie Chan is?

[Cut to Osama Bin Laden with his skate board]

Osama Bin Laden: No, bro!

[Cut to Morgan and Kenan]

Morgan: Leslie Jones, you see Jackie Chan?

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Leslie Jones: I saw him on East 85th street.

[Cut to Morgan and Kenan]

Kenan: What? When?

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Leslie Jones: 1997.

[Cut to Morgan and Kenan]

Morgan: Did you have any sense of where he was headed next?

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Leslie Jones: I don’t know. Downtown?

[Cut to Morgan and Kenan]

Morgan: Okay, write that down.

[Kenan brings up a big notebook to write that down.]

Kenan: Okay, so far, we know that Jackie Chan was in Rush Hour, Shanghai Noon and Rush Hour 2.

Morgan: We know that he was born in Asia but didn’t necessarily stay there.

Kenan: And we know that he is somewhere between 4 and 7 feet tall.

Morgan: Alright, we’re gonna take a quick 45 minute break.

Kenan: When we return, we’re gonna check our trap to see if we caught a Jackie Chan.

[Cut to the trap. It’s made out of a box and a wood. The bait is ninechucks.]

[Cut to Morgan and Kenan]

Morgan: The search continues.

[The End]

 

Tango

Karen… Sasheer Zamata

David… Taran Killam

Tracy Morgan

Jay Pharoah

[Starts with Karen and David in the bar booth]

Karen: It’s not a big deal. Just let it go.

[David is having a beer]

David: Uh-uh. I’m just gonna talk to him man to man.

[David starts walking]

Karen: Promise me you won’t lose your temper.

[Karen reaches to Morgan and Jay]

Karen: Excuse me. Excuse me!

[Morgan turns around]

Morgan: Yeah, wad up?

Karen: My girlfriend says you made some inappropriate comments when she walked by? We have a problem?

[Jay talks to Morgan]

Jay: Yo! I know you’re not gonna let a man talk to you like this.

Morgan: Nah! There ain’t no problem. Lovely dove is looking good. Just thought I let her know.

Karen: Let’s just go.

David: Yeah, the thing is she doesn’t need you to let her know anything.

Morgan: Who do you think you talking to?

David: I’m pretty sure I’m talking to you.

Morgan: You wanna tangle with something?

David: Let’s dance right now, bro.

Karen: David!No!

Morgan: Then it’s a good thing I got on my dancing shoes boy! Your lead.

David: After you buddy.

Morgan: [raising his arms] Grab my waist

David: What? Grab your waist?

Morgan: Your lead, fool.

[Karen pulls David away]

Karen: I don’t think he wants to fight. I think he actually wants to dance.

Morgan: You’re damn right I do.

David: No. It’s just a euphemism, Karen.

Karen: No, but look at his shoes.

[Cut to Morgan’s shoes. He is wearing ballet dancing shoes.]

[David walks to Morgan again]

David: Alright, look. Can we just say what we really mean for a second?

Morgan: Now you wanna talk? What happened to all that dancing you promised though?

Karen: This is just a big misunderstanding.

Morgan: If you don’t want to try on me man, then just be a man and say it. You don’t wanna take me bro? You don’t wanna put a rose in my mouth?

David: No! No, I don’t wanna do any of those things. Look, you don’t– I don’t even know how to tango.

Morgan: You wanna learn?

David: No.

Morgan: Why? You scared?

David: What? No!

Morgan: [yelling] Then put your hands on my waist!

David: I thought you wanted to fight.

Morgan: In these shoes?

David: Forget I said anything. Karen, let’s get our of here.

[Karen and David walk away]

Morgan: Oh, I see what’s going on here now. You see the baggy clothes, the hooded sweatshirt, and all you think is I’m some type of thug.

Karen: We didn’t mean that.

Morgan: You sound just like my pops. All I ever wanted to do was dance, lady! I come in by every night. I lean on this jukebox every night hoping that someday someone wants to share the magical rhythm with me. Not with these. [showing his fists]  But with these. [showing his ballet dancing shoes]

Jay: Hilarious!

Karen: It’s the saddest thing I’ve ever heard. Sir, I’ll dance with you.

Morgan: No. It’s gotta be him. [pointing at David] I can’t lead. I don’t know how. And you can’t give me.

Karen: David?

[Morgan looks very sad. David feels for him.]

David: Alright. I’ll tango with you.

Morgan: [smiling] Word?

David: [laughing] Yes, word.

[Jay plays a music for tango]

[David and Morgan are ready to dance]

Morgan: alright, grab my waist.

[David grabs Morgan’s waist]

Ou! Not that hard.

[David and Morgan start dancing]

[The End]

Family Feud Extended Family

Steve Harvey… Kenan Thompson

Jackie Williams… Leslie Jones

Martin Williams… Jay Pharoah

Layla Williams… Sasheer Zamata

Raymond Williams… Michael Che

Darrel Williams-Magill… Tracy Morgan

Maria Williams-Magill… Cecily Strong

Rachael Magill… Venessa Bayer

Blake Magill… Jon Rudnitsky

[Starts with Family Feud intro]

Male voice: It’s time for Family Feud. And here’s your host, Steve Harvey.

[Cut to Steve Harvey walking in the set]

Steve Harvey: Okay. Now, welcome to Family Feud. Y’all like this suit? I got the tie from Shaq’s fist tie knot, knot as thick as Shaq’s fist. Okay, let’s meet our two families. [Cut to the Williams] Over here, we got the Williams family. How you doing, darling?

Jackie: I’m good, Steve. I’m Jackie and these are my three kids, Martin, Layla and Raymond.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, your husband didn’t want to play?

[Cut to Jackie]

Jackie: Well, I’ve been divorced for about six months but we’re doing alright.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, so you fresh on a scene. Okay. And over here, we got the Williams-Magill family. [cut to the Williams-Magill family] How are you doing today player?

Darrel: How you dong, Steve? I’m Darrel, and this is my beautiful wife Maria. My two step kids, Rachael and Blake.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Well, you look lovely today darling. [Cut to Darrel and Maria] How long have you been married?

Maria: About six months.

[Cut to Steve Harvey. He is suspicious.]

Steve Harvey: Hold up. Williams. Williams-Magill.

[Cut to Jackie]

Jackie: Yes! Darrel is my ex-husband and these are his kids.

[Cut to everybody]

Steve Harvey: So, you left her and then you married her. And now you’re both here together. Oh, damn!

[Cut to Darrel and Maria]

Darrel: The heart wants what it wants, Steve!

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: That ain’t the heart, player!

[Cut to Darrel and Maria]

Maria: It’s okay coz we are all working through this and doing our best.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: [laughing] I love this. [Cut to Darrel, Maria and Rachael] So, how you liking your new daddy?

Rachael: He’s cool, I guess. It might be nice if he put some clothes on when he cooks breakfast.

Darrel: And get baking grease on my new t-shirts? Uh-uh! I do a baby boy style.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, it’s only getting better. Oh, get me two people. Let’s play the feud. Come on!

[Jackie and Darrel walk forward]

[Steve Harvey look at Jackie and Darrel’s faces]

Y’all okay?

Jackie: I told you, we are working through it.

Steve Harvey: Alright then. 100 people survey, top five answers on the board. Name something that people frequently forget.

[Jackie hits the buzzer]

Jackie: Their family.

Steve Harvey: Oh, right out the jump. Right out the jump. She’s going to jump right in with that one. Okay, I don’t know if that’s right, but I know it’s real. Show me, forget the kids.

[Cut to the answer screen. There is ‘family obligations’.]

[right answer bell]

[Cut to Darrel, Steve Harvey and Jackie]

Steve Harvey: Okay, okay. There’s a lot of dead beats out there. Darrel, you got a better answer? Something that people forget?

Darrel: How about your password?

[Cut to Williams-Magill clapping]

[Cut to Darrel, Steve Harvey and Jackie]

Steve Harvey: That’s a good answer. That’s a good answer. Show me ‘password’.

[Cut to the answer screen.]

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Darrel, Steve Harvey and Jackie]

Steve Harvey: Oh, sorry player. Looks like we surveyed 100 divorced women. Okay, Williams family, you up.

[Steve Harvey walk to the Williams]

Martin, name something that people frequently forget.

[Cut to Martin]

Martin: To come to your residal coz they say they have to work.

[Cut to Darrel looking hurt]

[Cut to Steve Harvey and the Williams]

Steve Harvey: Um, I’m sorry. That’s not an answer.

[Cut to Martin]

Martin: Exactly! That’s what I thought too.

[Cut to Darrel]

Darrel: I love you Martin. But no man should be forced to watch his son play the clavenet.

[Cut to Steve Harvey and the Williams]

Steve Harvey: Wow! Wound is still fresh. Oh! Show me somebody ain’t show up somewhere.

[Cut to the answer screen]

[wrong answer buzzer]

Oh, well, Layla. Something that people forget.

Layla: I know something. Your morality.

[Cut to Darrel]

Darrel: How you talking about morals when you out there stripping every night?

[Cut to Layla]

Layla: I got to make money.

[Cut to Darrel]

Darrel: It’s not even a real strip-club. It’s a car-wash with a room in the back.

[Cut to Layla]

Layla: That’s what happens when your daddy abandons you for a cruise ship director. You ain’t around! You weren’t around us.

Steve Harvey: Wait! Folks, let’s just remember hurt can go a long way. Show me keep em off the pole.

[Cut to answer screen]

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Steve Harvey and the Williams]

I’m sorry. Let’s go over to Raymond.

[Raymond is not there]

Wait! Hold up, where did he go?

[Cut to the Williams-Magill. Raymond is standing behind them.]

[Cut to Jackie]

Jackie: Raymond, what are you doing?

[Cut to Raymond and the Williams-Magill]

Raymond: Look mom, I’m sorry. But these people are happy.

[Cut to Steve Harvey and the Williams]

Steve Harvey: Well, you can’t fault a man for wanting some happiness. We back to Jackie, something that people forget.

[Cut to Jackie]

Jackie: You know what, Steve? I’m gonna give a real answer. Because I’m not gonna let them win. Okay, something you forget is… commitment!

[Cut to Darrel]

Darrel: Oh! Here we go.

[Cut to Jackie]

Jackie: You took a vow, Darrel, of love, at the Fort-Queens hotel and casino in Las Vegas. Doesn’t that mean anything to you?

[Cut to the answer screen]

[wrong buzzer]

[Cut to Steve Harvey and the Williams]

[yelling] I loved you Darrel. I had your kids.

[wrong buzzer]

Steve Harvey: That means stop. That’s what that means. It’s over. I’m sorry, that is not up there. Looks like the Williams-Magill family has a chance to steal.

[Cut to Jackie]

Jackie: [yelling] He has stolen enough from me, Steve!

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: I guess I walked right into that one.

[Cut to Steve Harvey and the Williams-Magill]

Okay, give me some good ides. Williams-Magill, come on!

Maria: Your keys.

Rachael: Your phone.

Blake: Your ID.

Raymond: To follow your heart, daddy.

[Cut to Steve Harvey and Darrel]

Steve Harvey: Okay, Darrel, something that people forget.

Darrel: Look, man! I’m a man. Sometimes men make mistakes. Like I did in my previous marriage. We were young, horny, and I liked it raw. I’m old school.

Steve Harvey: Hey, Darrel, I hear you player. Loud and clear. Show me, ‘I forgot to pull out’.

[Cut to answer screen]

[right answer bell]

[Cut to Steve Harvey and the Williams-Magill]

Williams-Magill wins again. You know what? I’ll just write this family a check for everything in my bank account right now. We’ll be right back.

[The End]

Weekend Update with Solomon

Colin Jost

Solomon… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: One of our researchers from Weekend Update told us that he was a real travel buff. So, this summer we sent him to Venice, Italy to report on the latest travel trends. Here with his report is our new travel correspondent, Solomon.

[Solomon slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Solomon: Hey Colin, how you doing, man? Michael Che, nice to see you.

Colin Jost: Welcome Solomon. So, where did you travel this summer?

Solomon: Travel? Ah, man!

Colin Jost: Well, you went to Venice right?

Solomon: Ay, well, yeah. Basically, I mean, yeah, dang! [Cut to Solomon] I ain’t go to Venice. I didn’t go man. Look man, I wanted to go, man, but the thing is it’s hard, okay? I tried to get on a bus to Italy but you know, I had no ticket. You know?

[Cut to Solomon and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. The bus to Italy?

Solomon: Ah! God damn, is that wrong? Because of the water? Coz of the ocean, you can’t do that? Oh, god damn!

Colin Jost: Solomon, we sent you a plane ticket.

Solomon: Look, my god, damn! [Cut to Solomon] It’s my sister. She gets all my mail. And you know, I lost my mailbox key coz it’s smaller than the other keys. God! Look, I feel bad about that. I get you back, how much was the ticket?

[Cut to Solomon and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: It was $3,000.

Solomon: Oh, god dang. I ain’t got that, man! How about $100?

Colin Jost: Fine.

Solomon: God dang. I ain’t got that either man. Look man, I ain’t think you’d say yes.

Colin Jost: Solomon, this is your job.

Solomon: Look man, god dang! Look, you can’t fire me, okay? They about to turn my air off, okay? [Cut to Solomon] Not like, my air conditioning. Just like, all the air in my apartment, man. God damn, I got a gold fish man. He’s my best friend in the whole world. God dang!

[Cut to Solomon and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: What’s your gold fish’s name?

Solomon: Man, I ain’t got no gold fish. Okay? Look, man, you can’t fire me, okay? They’re about to turn my sound off, man! [Cut to Solomon] Like, I won’t be able to hear stuff anymore. And my sister needs sound, man! Coz, you know, she can’t see so good, on account she’s been reading all my mail. You know what I mean? Plus the kids got the wing worm. I mean, god damn!

[Cut to Solomon and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, did you say your kids have wing worm?

Solomon: Man, she ain’t got no kids man. And look man, I ain’t got no sister, god dang! Look, I’ll do better next time, alright? I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

Colin Jost: That’s okay. That’s alright.

Solomon: Look, but you know, could I get my check for next week today?

Colin Jost: Solomon, everyone.

Solomon: God dang, man! Come on, man!

Guns

Amy Schumer

Kenan Thomspon

Jay Pharoah

Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Bobby Moynihan

Venessa Bayer

Taran Killam

Aidy Bryant

Sasheer Zamata

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Amy waiting for someone in a restaurant]

Female voice: Whatever you’re waiting for

[Cut to Kenan and Jay sitting together and reading a book]

Whatever you face.

[Cut to Beck staying late at office]

[Cut to Kyle looking around alone in the party]

Whatever you’re looking for.

[Cut to Bobby and Venessa in a taxi. Venessa is pregnant.]

There are things that we share.

[Cut to Amy. Taran arrives and gives Amy a present and sits next to her.]

Love.

[Cut to Kenan and Jay]

Family.

[Cut to Beck. Aidy is comforting Beck]

Connection.

[Cut to Kyle. He walks up to Sasheer and talks to her]

Kyle: Hey.

Sasheer: Hey.

[Cut to Kate running]

Female voice: A sense of purpose.

[Cut to a taxi parking at the hospital. Bobby is getting Venessa out.]

[Cut to Amy opening her present. There’s a gun inside.]

And also, guns.

Taran: You like it?

Amy: I love it.

[Cut to Kenan and Jay. Kenan has a gun in his hand.]

Female voice: Guns are there.

[Cut to Kate running with a gun.]

In lighter moments,

[Cut to Venessa getting out of the taxi with a big fun]

and big ones. When things fall apart.

[Cut to Beck and Aidy. Beck has his gun disassembled.]

Or it comes all together.

[Cut to a gun rotating on a table. As it stops Kyle and Sasheer kiss.]

[Cut to Kenan and Jay]

They unite us.

[Cut to Amy and Taran]

Comfort us.

[Bobby is pushing Venessa on a wheelchair while Venessa is pointing a big gun at the hospital counter.]

Bring us joy.

[Aidy assembles Beck’s gun and they hug out.]

And strength.

[Cut to Kate running and shooting at sky.]

From first loves,

[Cut to Kyle and Sasheer shooting guns at a shooting star]

to new beginnings,

[Cut to Venessa holding a baby and Bobby is handing a small gun to the baby.]

wherever life takes you.

[Cut to Amy and Taran sleeping. Amy has a gun gun in her hand.]

Guns, we’re here to stay.

The Wiz

Wiz… Leslie Jones

Tinman… Jay Pharoah

Coward lion… Kenan Thompson

Dorothy… Sasheer Zamata

Scarecrow… Michael Che

White scarecrow… Ryan Gosling

[Starts with video clips of film studios]

Male voice: Now, NBC presents an exclusive Cut For Time scene from this week’s The Wiz, LIVE!

[music playing]

[Cut to four characters singing]

All: Don’t you carry nothing, that might feel low
come on, even down, even down the road

[music stops]

[Cut to Wiz in a green suit walking in]

Wiz: Who dare disturbs me, the all and powerful Wiz? I was just back there on my iPad.

[Cut to everybody]

Dorothy: Wow, that’s so modern.

Wiz: Well, I’m glad you noticed. Now, what do you want?

Coward Lion: We’re sorry to disturb your greatness. I’m here because I need some courage.

Scarecrow: And I need some brains.

Tinman: And I need the heart.

Dorothy: And I need to go home.

White scarecrow: And so do I

[White scarecrow jumps in]

Oh, oh! Hello.

Dorothy: Who are you?

White scarecrow: Me? Well, I’m a scarecrow, of course. Anybody know how I can get back to my friends.

Scarecrow: Well, where are you coming from?

[Cut to White scarecrow]

White scarecrow: Well, west hours, you know, near the meadow?

[Cut to Tinman, Scarecrow and Dorothy]

Tinman: Oh, you way off, man! This right here is east hours. How did you even get here?

[Cut to White scarecrow]

White scarecrow: Well, I don’t know. Let me see. I fell asleep on the train. And then now, here I am.

[Cut to White scarecrow, Scarecrow and Tinman]

Who are you?

Scarecrow: Well, I’m a scarecrow. exactly like you.

White scarecrow: But your hair is so wild and wonderful. [Cuts to Dorothy] And your hair…

Dorothy: Don’t!

White scarecrow: Okay.

[Cut to everybody]

Very well, I’m looking for my friend Dorothy.

[Cut to Dorothy]

Dorothy: Oh, my name is Dorothy too. Does your friend know how to whip, dab and do the nae-nae?

[Cut to White scarecrow. He is silent.]

White scarecrow: Ya, I have no idea what those words are.

[Cut to Tinman, Dorothy and Coward Lion]

Dorothy: it’s dancing.

Tinman: And we sure do a lot of dancing.

Coward Lion: Yeah. Three hours worth, minus about 150 commercials.

[Cut to White scarecrow]

White scarecrow: Oh, I love to dance. Watch.

[Cut to everybody]

[music playing]

[White scarecrow starts dancing]

[singing] I will not be just a nothing
my head all full of stuffing
and my heart all filled with pain
I would dance and be married
Live would be dignitary
if I only had a brain
I mean… A brain.

[Cut to Wiz]

Wiz: Man, that was corny as hell.

[Cut to Dorothy and Coward Lion]

Coward Lion: Yeah, I’m sorry young man. We appreciate you coming by but this hours is not for you.

[Cut to White scarecrow]

White scarecrow: Well, I didn’t think that it would be, you know. But now that I’m here it’s really great. There’s so much color.

[Cut to Tinman, Coward Lion, Dorothy and Scarecrow]

All: Hey! Hey!

Tinman: Watch yourself, man!

[Cut to White scarecrow]

White scarecrow: No, no. I just meant in the world. You know, there’s a lot of heart and soul here. I love it. It’s– It’s much better than where I’m from.

[Cut to Tinman, Coward Lion, Dorothy and Scarecrow]

Dorothy: Oh, yeah. We heard about West Hours. That place is terrifying.

Scarecrow: Yes, there’s trees that grab you.

Tinman: Yeah, and tornado.

[Cut to White scarecrow]

White scarecrow: Oh, don’t forget about the flying monkeys.

[Cut to Tinman, Coward Lion, Dorothy and Scarecrow]

All: Whoa!

Coward Lion: No, we don’t call them that here. We call them winged warriors. Yeah, we had a lot of meetings about that.

[Cut to Wiz]

Wiz: Plus, ya’ll got a wicked witch over there and she is halla’ scary. She will set your ass on fire.

[Cut to White scarecrow]

White scarecrow: Oh, she’s not- she’s not around anymore.

[Cut to Dorothy and Coward Lion]

Dorothy: What?

Coward Lion: Oh, my god! What happened?

[Cut to White scarecrow]

White scarecrow: Oh, we threw some water on her and killed her.

[Cut to everybody. All of them are shocked]

All: Oh!

Tinman: Damn!

Dorothy: What?

Scarecrow: Damn!

[Cut to Coward Lion and White scarecrow]

Coward Lion: Well, Scarecrow, I didn’t know you had it in you. This here man is a G.

White scarecrow: Well, gosh. I hope that’s a good thing.

[Cut to Tinman, Dorothy and Scarecrow]

Dorothy: It is. You can roll with us anytime you like, scarecrow.

[Cut to Coward Lion and White scarecrow]

White scarecrow: Really? Well, I’d love that more than anything in the world.

[Cut to Tinman, Dorothy and Scarecrow]

Dorothy: Alright, then come on and dance with us. It’s 2015, do the dab.

[Cut to Coward Lion and White scarecrow]

White scarecrow: Wonderful!

[Cut to everybody]

[music playing. Everybody is dancing and White scarecrow is learning to dance]

All: [singing] Come on in, even down, even down the road
don’t you carry nothing that might feel low
Come on in, even down, even down the road

Coward Lion: Yeah, keep trying. You get it.

[The End]