Tag: Jay Pharoah

Flirting at the bar

Ronda Rousey

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

Jay Pharoah

Taran Killam

Beck Bennett

[Starts with three ladies walking to the bar at the club.]

Ronda: Three martinis please.

[Cut to three guys looking at the ladies]

[Cut to the ladies]

Kate: Oh-oh! These guys were staring at you. [Cut to the guys walking towards the ladies] And I think they’re coming over here.

Jay: Yo, girl!

Taran: What’s up, girl?

Beck: Hello girl.

[Cut to the ladies]

Ronda: Sorry guys, we’re kind of just having girls night.

[Cut to the guys]

Jay: Oh! Well, that’s perfect.

Taran: Yeah, coz actually we was looking to have girls night too.

Beck: Ha-ha. TJ, he’s such a mac. We’re all macs. We’re all player macs actually.

[Cut to the ladies]

Ronda: Not interested.

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: No, no, no. We’re not checking to see if you’re interested. We’re checking to see if you all think you can handle us.

[Cut to the ladies]

Ronda: I’m a big girl. I can take care of myself.

[Cut to the guys]

Jay: Oh really?

[music playing]

[rapping] We won’t waste your time talking paper we stack in there
let us tell you about how we pack

Taran: Got a D so big you could ride it like a boat
throw it on the water, walk across it like a moat

Jay: I’ve even heard people say mine’s too much
I pulled it out my pants and I played double dutch

Taran: It’s no urban legend but take it from me
I let it sit shotgun, I can ride HOV

Beck: Don’t worry about mine I’ll go down on you

[Cut to the ladies looking confused]

[Cut to the guys. Jay and Taran are looking at Beck disappointed]

Jay: Faster than the train, you know what? Speeding bullet
so black and big, it was raised by Sandara Bullock

Taran: I walk with three lights when I’m not ever trying
If you was pinocchio’s nose, you’d know he was lying

Beck: Whatever! I’ll just go down on you
And I don’t take my pants off!

[Cut to the ladies looking speechless at what Beck is saying]

[Cut the guys]

Jay: You can get on the back and ride it like a rocket
it looked like an anaconda’s sticking out my pocket

Beck: Must be nice!

Taran: It stays hard like I keep it in the freezer
it leans to the left like the tower of Pisa

Beck: I’ll throw you on the bed, my pants are on
my shirt is on, my hat is on
my socks are on, my jacket’s on
blurred lines!

[Cut the the ladies shaking their heads]

Taran: I got more sausage than New Orleans got gumbo
When I pull down my pants, it looked just like Dumbo

Beck: When I pull down my pants, there’s another pair of pants
pants on, no negotiation!

Jay: Come on home with me, and I’ll break you off carpet
if my thing had a voice, it would sound like Mufasa

Beck: We’ve been doing all the talking let’s let her talk
like what’s your favorite passion and way to dance?
is it belly bottoms or the boogie-woogie?
or satin blows and cha-cha-cha

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: You’re not even trying to rhyme.

[Cut to the guys]

Beck: I am trying!

Taran: Yo girl, want some good time? Come roll with me
coz my thing goes deeper than poetry

Jay: When they see it, they get show
wank to it and use it as a lasso

Beck: I got a great job. I’ll go down on you. What are we even– I don’t love it but I’ll do it!

[Cut to the guys nodding to the ladies]

[Cut to the ladies]

Ronda: That was disgusting, immature and most of all, a bad rap.

[Beck walks forward and pushes Kate’s shoulder]

Beck:  absolutely disagree!

Jay: What are you doing, man?

Ronda: What the hell are you doing?

Beck: I barely pushed her.

[The ladies walk away]

I’m sorry.

[a girl walks by Beck]

I got a small penis but I’ll go down on you.

[The End]

Republican Debate

Neil Cavuto… Kyle Mooney

Maria Bartiromo… Cecily Strong

Donald Trump… Darrell Hammond

Ted Cruz… Taran Killam

Chris Christie… Bobby Moynihan

Jeb Bush… Beck Bennett

Ben Carson… Jay Pharoah

Marco Rubio… Pete Davidson

[Starts with republican debate intro]

Male voice: Live on the Fox Business Network, it’s the 6th republican debate.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Neil: Hello and welcome back. I’m FOX business rock star Neil Cavuto.

Neil: And I’m Maria Bartiromo. A reminder, we’ve lost a few competitors since the last debate with only seven joining us tonight. So remember candidates, if at any time tonight, your poll numbers drop below 3%, you will hear a loud gong, then be escorted off the stage like the showtime at the Apollo. At which point you’ll take a seat in the audience next to that sweet rose of the Carolina’s senator Lindsey Graham.

[Cut to Lindsey Graham sitting at the audience and smiling at the camera.]

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

The next question for our front runner Donald Trump.

[Cut to Donald Trump.]

Donald Trump: Thank you Maria Toniromo.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: Mr. Trump. Since the last debate, Ted Cruz has pulled ahead of you in Iowa. Is it true you’ve started attacking him because you see him as a threat?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Franky Maria, I’m glad everyone is talking about my good friend Rafael Eduardo Cruz. People are coming up to me all the time saying, “Donald, Ted Cruz was born in Canada. He can’t be president. This campaign is illegal.” Their words, not mine.

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: Donald, this debate about natural born citizenship is just political nonsense. Clearly I’m not Canadian. Canadians are well act. I am not. Canadians are rugged and outdoorsy where I myself am mostly made of pudding. Canadians are genuine and warm whereas when I smile, it looks like I’m peeing.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: Alright governor Christie, if I ask you a question, do you promise not to turn your answer into a tie raid against president Obama?

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: I promise.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: How would you change the tax code?

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: Barack Obama is the worst president in the history. And when Chris Christie is president, the first thing we will do is kick your rear end out of the White House buddy.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: Well, whoever is elected, president Obama will be required to leave. It will be the end of his term.

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: Duh! Yeah! Coz I’m gonna send him packing.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: He will already have packed and left because his term will be over.

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: Yeah, well.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: This next question is for Jeb.

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: It is?

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: Wait, I’m sorry. I’m wrong. It says Ted. Ted Cruz.

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: Aw!

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: Mr. Cruz. You suggested Mr. Trump embodies New York values. Could you explain what you mean by that?

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: I think most people know exactly what New York values are. And frankly, they’re not the rest of the country’s values. Instead of celebrating Christmas, New Yorkers celebrate a pagan holiday called Festivus. Instead of watching American football, they challenge each other to masturbation contests. In New York, people don’t say hi to their neighbors. They say, “Hello, Newman.”

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Neil: Sounds like you’re describing the TV show ‘Seinfeld’. Is that what you mean by New York values?

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: Believe me, if I could say liberal Jews, I would.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: Dr. Carson. You’ve said we’re not doing enough to dismantle and destroy ISIS. What would you do as president?

[Cut to Ben Carson]

Ben Carson: Well, whenever I think of ISIS I get so furious. I just go into beast mode. Okay, look. Okay, wars change in the 6,000 years that the earth has existed. Our enemies can now send an electromagnetic pulse into our exo-atmosphere  scrambling our electro-city. I’m talking dirty bombs, cyber fights, laser people and robo-trons.

[Cut to Chris Christie and Ben Carson. Chris Christie moves away from Ben Carson.]

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Neil: Mr. Trump, we now turn to China.

[Cut to Donald Trump looking at his phone.]

Donald Trump: Hold on. I’m getting a call from a respected expert. Hello. What? You’re saying Jeb Bush is a little girl?

[Cut to Donald Trump and Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: No I’m not.

Donald Trump: And he can’t be president because his hands are bigger than his face.

Jeb Bush: That’s not true. Look! Dang it!

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Neil: Our next question is for Marco Rubio.

[Cut to Marco Rubio]

Marco Rubio: Um, can I ask my question myself? Um, why am I not winning? Is it the boots? I can lose the boots. I mean come on! I’m young. I’m smart.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: What did he say?

Neil: Um, I wasn’t listening. Um, finally we turn to governor Bush. Governor, would you like to tell everyone the joke I heard you practicing in the bathroom earlier?

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: Okay. In Hillary’s first 100 days as president, she’s going from the White House to the Court House. [laughing]

[Cut to Donald Trump shaking his head]

Donald Trump: It’s okay. You don’t need to tell jokes because you are one, Zebra.

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: That’s not my name.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Yes it is. And I have a good authority that Zebra is wearing spanks right now.

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: You shut up. They’re for support.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: Alright. We’ll take our first break–

[someone hands a paper to Maria]

Oh, this is exciting. We have confirmation that Chris Christie has just dipped below 3% in the national polls.

[Cut to Chris Christie]

[gong sound]

Chris Christie: Wait! Come on!

[Kenan walks in wearing a white suit dancing and escorts Chris Christie out]

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: Well, that’s a lot of fun. We’ll be right back with more. And …

Neil and Maria: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

GOP Debate Cold Open

Wolf Blitzer… Jon Rudnitsky

Donald Trump… Darrell Hammond

Ted Cruz… Taran Killam

Ben Carson… Jay Pharoah

Marco Rubio… Pete Davidson

Jeb Bush… Beck Bennett

Pete Buttigieg… Colin Jost

Carly Fiorina… Cecily Strong

Chris Christie…Bobby Moynihan

Rand Paul… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Republican Presidential Debate intro]

Male voice: Live from the Venetian Hotel, Las Vegas, it’s the Republican Debate, with your moderator Wolf Blitzer.

Wolf Blitzer: Good evening. For those of you who missed our earlier under card debate featuring Mike Huckabee and Rick Santorum, well the results are in and everybody lost. Now, let’s meet the candidates. Nine are here tonight. The five who actually have a chance are  [Cut to the candidates] Donald Trump, Ted Cruz, Ben Carson, Marco Rubio and poor sweet Jeb Bush.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

With the rest of you just wave so your parents know you’re here.

[Cut to Pete Buttigieg and Carly Fiorina waving]

[Cut to Chris Christie and Rand Paul waving]

Chris Christie: Hey, baba-boy!

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: We will begin with the front runner, Mr. Trump here. Opening remarks.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Debates are stupid. You should be paying me and Wolf Blitzer looks like Papa Smurf.

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: Wolf, May I take a desperate swing at Donald now?

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Go ahead Mr. Bush.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: This is what he does. He says these offensive things then he bullies anyone who challenges him. Well guess what, you can’t insult your way to the presidency.

Donald Trump: Oh really jug head? Coz I’m at 43 and you’re at three. Jeb, you’re a nice guy but you’re a light weight. And I know for a fact that you pee setting down.

Jeb Bush: No I don’t.

Donald Trump: Yes you do.

Wolf Blitzer: Alright, let’s go to the surging Ted Cruz. Senator, [Cut to Ted Cruz] you said you will relentlessly carpet bomb ISIS. Is this a real strategy?

Ted Cruz: Well, Wolf, if I’m president I can promise you, ISIS will hate me and how do I know? Because everyone who knows me hates me. Democrats hate me. Republicans hate me. I have what doctors call, a punch-able face. Political actually did a poll and I was voted the candidate most people wanted to throw a beer at. So look out, ISIS, because I’m gonna crash your party. And just like every party I go to, I’m gonna ruin it.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Governor Christie, what steps would you take to keep Americans safe?

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: Wolf, I would like to answer that with a series of fear-mongering statements.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Go ahead.

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: We are under attack and we are all gonna die. Mothers are putting their kids on buses and these buses are being driven off-cliffs by terrorists. Today in our great country, one out of every three babies born are already in ISIS. They are here folks, and I am the only one up here with a stones to take them on. I am a cowboy on a steel horse I ride, Bon Jovi forever!

[Cut to Chris Christie and Rand Paul]

Rand Paul: Listen to this man. He’s trying to start World War III.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Sir, we’re not taking comments from the audience yet.

[Cut to Rand Paul looking angry]

Rand Paul: No, I’m Rand Paul. I’m up here.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Oh, sorry. Well, let’s go to Dr. Carson. Doctor, do you, a brain surgeon, have the experience in toughness to deal with world leaders like Vladimir Putin?

[Cut to Ben Carson]

Ben Carson: Well that question makes me furious, Wolf. I might go ham up in here right now. Of course I can be tough. As a surgeon, I have to tell people things they don’t wanna hear. Not that they have to have brain surgery. That it be performed by me, a man who they believe to be asleep. But I’m not asleep. I am amped, I am jacked and I’m ready to throw down. What do you think of that, Mr. Putin?

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Miss Fiorina, your thoughts.

[Cut to Carly Fiorina]

Carly Fiorina: You wanna talk about Putin, I know Vladimir Putin personally. I sold him an HP printer and now he hates my guts. It doesn’t work. It never worked. And when Putin calls me to complain, I just smile that classic Carly Fiorina smile.

[Carly Fiorina smiles showing her teeth]

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Okay, well looks like Jeb’s got his courage back up.

[Cut to Jeb Bush. Looks like he’s warming up for sports.]

He is ready to take another run at Trump.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Mr. Bush, go ahead and say out loud what you’ve been quietly muttering to yourself.

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: Trump? I mean, [Cut to Jeb Bush and Donald Trump] this guy is the chaos candidate. Am I right? Chaos. Is he for real? Nah, man.

Donald Trump: Jeb, you’re a very nice man but you’re basically a little girl. Folks, this is true. I got hold of Jeb’s birth certificate in full disclosure. His real name is Zebra.

Jeb Bush: That is not true.

Donald Trump: That is true. Yes, it is. Jeb-bra. Jeb-bra.

Jeb Bush: That’s not my name. That’s not my name.

Donald Trump: Hey Zebra, lose say what?

Jeb Bush: What? Oh, come on!

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Let’s move on to senator Rubio. Senator, few weeks ago, you were many people’s pick as the most electable candidate. Tonight you’re in 4th place. Are you resonating with the voters?

[Cut to Marco Rubio]

Marco Rubio: Wolf, let’s remember one thing. I am by far, the most attractive person on this stage. I’m a hard seven, baby! I’m young, Cuban, and let’s face it, I’m the only one up here you’d swipe right on. [Cut to Ben Carson. He’s wearing glasses that has wide open eyes printed on them.] So why am I losing to this guy who is asleep right now?

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Alright, before we go to commercial, we’ll give Jeb one last chance to make an impression.

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: Alright guys, listen. If we work together we can stop Donald Trump. Combine my numbers with [pointing to other candidates] your’s, your’s and your’s, we’d almost win.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Hey Zebra, shut your pot hole

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: Okay, you know what? You’re a jerk! You’re never gonna be president, Donald.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Yeah, no kidding. None of us are genius. And I’ll tell ya something else. Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

[The End]

On The Record With Greta Van Susteren

Greta Van Susteren… Kate McKinnon

Ted Cruz… Taran Killam

Chris Christie… Bobby Moynihan

Ben Carson… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with On The Record W/ Greta Van Susteren intro]

Male voice: You’re watching On The Record W/ Greta Van Susteren.

[Cut to Greta in her set]

Greta: Good evening, I’m Greta Van Susteren. Now, I’m gonna try this again now. She sells sea shells by the sea– no, I can’t do it. Tonight, Donald Trump has doubled down on his proposal to ban all Muslims from entering America. And some of them criticize the other GOP candidates for not condemning his comings more strongly. Joining me first in the studio is senator Ted Cruz.

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: Hello Greta. Um, a friend of mine wanted to say hello to you. I think you’ve heard of him. He’s the US constitution.

[Cut to Greta and Ted Cruz]

Greta: Okay, senator. A lot of GOP primary voters agree with Trump and you need those also. Will you go on the record and condemn what Mr. Trump said?

Ted Cruz: Well Greta, [Cut to Ted Cruz] I am not afraid to take a stand on this. When I heard Donald Trump’s comments on Muslims, I said, “Wow…”

[Cut to Greta]

Greta: And we’re talking ‘Wow’ like, “Wow, that’s crazy!’ or ‘wow’ like “Oh, that’s a good idea”?

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: Exactly!

[Cut to Greta]

Greta: But Cruz, do you support ban on Muslims, yes or no?

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: Well, put simply, nyes.

[Cut to Greta]

Greta: Nyes? Is that no or a yes?

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: [laughing] It is indeed.

[Cut to Greta]

Greta: Okay, we’re gonna come back to you senator. And joining us now via satellite is governor Chris Christie.

[Cut to split screen of Chris Christie and Greta]

Chris Christie: Hey, how you doing?

Greta: Yea, governor Christie, your reaction?

Chris Christie: Alright, look. [Cut to Chris Christie] This guy Trump is a clown, okay? He’s a total joke. The last thing anyone wants is some loud mouth bully from the tri-state area who hearls insult of people like a fat headed jabroni. Greta, look, I wanna make a very clear distinction. When Mr. Trump insults Muslims, those are not the values of the republican party. They’re simply the values of people who vote for the republican party. So in that sense and in that sense only, go Trump!

[Cut to Chris Christie and Greta]

Greta: Ya, but you don’t think we should block Muslims from entering?

Chris Christie: Yea. What we need to do is build a bridge between Muslims and Americans. [Cut to Chris Christie] Okay? But we have to make that bridge really hard to cross. You know? Like, really slow down the flow of traffic on the bridge until that son of a bitch for Fort Lee gets the message.

[Cut to Greta]

Greta: Okay. Finally, joining us from his campaign White Quarters in Virginia, Dr. Ben Carson.

[Cut to split screen between Ben Carson and Greta]

Ben Carson: Hi, Greta. I just drank a Redbull and I am fired up about this. [Cut to Ben Carson] But first, can I just ask, what happened to me? I mean, when I left for the Middle East, I was tied for number one in the polls. When I came back a week later, everyone had forgotten about me. My campaign headquarters got cleared out and they’re turning it into an office for DraftKings.com. I mean, did I winkle myself? Have I been asleep for years?

[Cut to Ben Carson and Greta]

Greta: You have fallen quite a bit in the polls. And it seems like some are now questioning your foreign policy experience.

Ben Carson: Listen, but that’s why I went to visit the lovely country of Jordans.

Greta: Jordan.

Ben Carson: I met with the Sheits and the Heits.

Greta: That’s alright.

Ben Carson: And I talk to them all about radical groups. Humus, ISIS, even Outgator.

Greta: Oh, no. So, you think we should hit ISIS head on.

[Cut to Ben Carson]

Ben Carson: That’s right. Head on. Which is always also the first rule of brain surgery. Always leave the head on.

[Cut to Greta]

Greta: Well, that’s all the time we have. It seems like no one was willing to stand up to Mr. Trump and offer a full condemnation.

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: Did you say constitution?

[Cut to Greta]

Greta: No. I said condemnation.

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: Oh, well you’re absolutely right, Greta. This is not a condom nation. This is a Christian nation.

[Cut to Greta]

Greta: Oh my gosh, my soul hurts. For On The Record, I’m Greta Van Susteren.

[The End]

Male Strippers

Host… Kenan Thompson

Phil… Taran Killam

Brandon… Chris Hemsworth

Keith… Jay Pharoah

Craig… Beck Bennett

Leslie Jones

Cecily Strong

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with the host of Hunk Junction speaking on the stave]

Host: Okay everybody, let’s calm down. Now, I’m very sorry that I got so upset with that woman. But there is no outside food allowed in the strip club. Now I know you wanna have a good time. But a full styrofoam play to chicken vindaloo, that will not work. Have some respect for the people around you, and also yourself. Look at the mess that she left. [Cut to a table where left overs from packed food is left.] Looks like a whole came through here.

[music playing]

Now you ladies ready to get horned up? You wanna see some peen?

[Cut to the ladies audience cheering and applauding.]

[Cut to Host]

Host: Oh, we got a great lineup for great AB for you tonight. Four brand new fangses here at Hunk Junction. They are some students from nearby college. They’re good looking boys and they put together a real hot show for ya. Let’s bring em’ out.

[Cut to cheering ladies]

[Cut to four guys walking on the stage]

Phil: Hit it!

[music changes]

[Cut to Phil]

Good evening ladies. I’m Phil and I’m thrilled to have the opportunity to dance for you this evening.

[Cut to Brandon]

Brandon: And I’m Brandon. And I hail from the great state of Oregon. Home of the majestic red one.

[Cut to Keith]

Keith: Me, I’m Keith and I’m from a small lobster town in New England.

[Cut to Craig]

Craig: I’m Craig, and the white sandy shores of Ahwatukee is where I call home.

[Cut to the guys]

All: This is our America.

[The guys start dancing]

[Cut to the ladies staring at them. Leslie is enjoying.]

[Cut to the guys dancing]

Phil: Next stop, New York city.

Keith: Step on it.

Craig: All aboard.

[train engine sound as the guys are dancing in a line]

[Cut to the ladies]

Cecily: What the hell is this?

Aidy: Yeah, I paid to see naked tool.

Kate: Something better slop out of their pants pretty quick.

Leslie: I appreciate the showmanship.

[Cut to the boys under one umbrella]

Craig: It’s starting to rain, just our luck!

Phil: On our first day in the big city?

Keith: You gotta be joking me.

Brandon: Who cares? Take a look at that skyline.

Phil: Taxi cab!

[Cut to Host looking nervous and confused.]

Host: Should I stop this? I mean what should a man in my position do?

[Cut to the boys. Jon walks in with a newspaper in his hand.]

Jon: Top story. The Germans are retreating.

[Jon dances out]

Brandon: Did you hear that fellas? The war is over!

Craig: We won!

Phil: Taxi!

[Cut to the ladies.]

Kate: Okay, maybe we got to tip them.

Cecily: You know, even if they do strip, I’m not sure I’ll be turned on at this point.

[Cut to the boys dancing on the stage. Kate dances in and gives Brandon some money. He just takes it and puts it in his wallet.]

Brandon: Thank you ma’am.

[Kate walks away]

[Cut to the ladies]

Cecily: He put the tip in his wallet.

Kate: Yea, yea, but it worked. It worked. Look.

[Cut to the dancing boys. They rip off their pants, but underneath, they’re wearing another white pants.]

[Cut to the ladies]

Aidy: What? Why are they wearing long shorts under their break-away pants?

Leslie: Listen, these men are hot. You can’t argue with that. This show may not be perfect but they care about it.

Aidy: okay, but this part is straight up racist.

[Cut to the boys wearing Asian hat and using Asian hand-fan.]

Phil: Your town is amazing.

Brandon: So many great Chinese people.

Craig: And culture.

Keith: What an afternoon!

[Cut to Host]

Host: [speaking on the mic] Whip out your naked ding-dongs now!

[Cut to the guys dancing]

Boys: Taxi!

[The boys are high-fiving and celebrating.]

[Host walks in disappointed]

Host: Yeah, I knew I shouldn’t have hired these men when they showed up with little dance bags that said, “Tis School of the Arts.” And then they asked if I supplied character shoots. Now, gentlemen, listen up. If you wanna continue working at this establishment, you must expose your stinky pee and them testi-balls.

[The boys start opening their pants]

No, no, no, no. You gotta do it with the music.

[The End]

FOX & Friends: Syrian Refugee Crisis Cold Open

Steve Doocey… Taran Killam

Elizabeth Hasselback… Vanessa Bayer

Brian Kilmeade… Bobby Moynihan

Debbie Wasserman Schultz… Kate McKinnon

Ben Carson… Jay Pharoah

Carla… Leslie Jones

[Starts with FOX & friends intro]

Female voice: You’re watching & friends.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Steve, Elizabeth and Brian in their set]

Steve: Hello and welcome back to FOX & friends. I’m Steve Doocey and with me is usual Elizabeth Hasselback and Brian Kilmeade

Elizabeth: Hey there.

Brian: Good morning.

Steve: Well, we are less than a week away from the big turkey day.

Elizabeth: That’s right. Happy thanksgiving.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Oh, hey, no need to be politically correct. You can just say it the old fashioned way. “Happy thanksgiving, Jesus.”

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: Well, the refugee situation over in the middle east may be even worse than we previously thought.

[Cut to Elizabeth]

Elizabeth: That’s right. Look at this footage we at FOX have just obtained of a crazed mob of Syrian refugees flooding over our borders into this country.

[Cut to a chaotic video of people getting in a store]

Steve: Look at it, it’s chaos. There’s no screening. They’re just walking into that Walmart. They’re just taking anything they like.

[Cut to Steve. He is listening to his earpiece.]

Okay, I’m being told that’s not actually footage of refugees. It’s Walmart shoppers on Black Friday.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Well, I think the point’s still stands.

[Cut to Elizabeth]

Elizabeth: By the way, why are we supposed to give special treatment to Black Friday? I’m just gonna come out and say it, all Fridays matter.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: True. Very, very true. And with millions fleeing from ISIS, there has been plenty of debate over whether the US should allow any refugees in from Syria.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Oh, well, Syria has been nothing but good to me. Helps me all the time. [Brian takes his iPhone out and talks to Siri] Hey Syria, locate nearest bathroom.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: Well, one person who seems just fine with the Syrians coming into this country is democratic national committee chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz who joins us now.

[Cut to Debbie in her office]

Debbie: Thank you Steve. Sorry I couldn’t be there but if I wanted crap shoved down my throat I’d be a fuagra goose.

[Cut to split screen of Elizabeth and Debbie]

Elizabeth: Schultz, you don’t think there should be more screening for refugees?

Debbie: Elizabeth, I’m from Florida. We’re full of refugees. We have Cubans escaping communism. We got Guatemalans escaping drug cartels. And we got old people escaping winter. That’s a Wasserman Schultz original.

[Steve appears in place of Elizabeth]

Steve: But Mr.s Schultz, I mean these are dangerous people.

Debbie: Oh, my god. You people and your genophobia. You make me so nuts. [Cut to Debbie] You know, when I wake up in the morning my hair is stick straight. Then I tune in for FOX news and it curls itself.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: But you must agree with senator Marco Rubio that it’s not that we aren’t compassionate, we just want to be safe.

[Cut to Debbie]

Debbie: Marco Rubio, huh? You need to tell that grown up alien Gonzalez to shut the hell up. Look, if the red states won’t take these refugees, I will. We’ll all live in one big house and they’ll make a reality show about it. 19,000 Syrians in counting. Wasserman Schultz out.

[Cut to Steve, Elizabeth and Brian]

Steve: Well, Mrs. Schultz isn’t the only one with an opinion on the refugee situation.

Elizabeth: That’s right. [Cut to Elizabeth] many presidential candidates have also wayed in.] We have one of the leading contenders here with us tonight. Dr. Ben Carson.

[Cut to Debbie]

Debbie: Straight out of Compton.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: No, no, no, Brian! That’s the wrong black doctor. You’re thinking of Dr. Dre. Hello Dr. Carson.

[Cut to Ben in his office]

Ben: Hello everyone. My apologies if I already seem agitated but I am just revved up about this. I would ask the views at home to turn their volume down because I might get crazy.

[Cut to split screen of Steve and Ben]

Steve: Now doctor, you yourself have said we should carefully screen everyone coming into this country. Do you have a plan that would separate Muslims from Christian refugees.

Ben: Well, weeding out the Islamic would be simple. [Cut to Ben] First we’d say, “You can’t come into this country until I see you eat a bacon while singing a Christmas Carol.” Or all refugees will be given mad libs with a phrase, “Death to blank.” Anyone who writes America won’t be allowed inside America.

[Cut to Elizabeth]

Elizabeth: Now, president Obama has decided to lead from behind on this. Isn’t that dangerous?

[Cut to Ben]

Ben: Absolutely. Extremists are entering this country everyday. I mean, open your eyes president Obama. It’s enough to make me wanna flip my top.

[Cut to split screen of Steve and Ben]

Steve: I gotta say Dr. Carson, you seem pretty calm sir.

Ben: Oh, I’m like a koala bear. On the outside I may seem nice but on the inside, I’ve never held elected office.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: You know what? Why don’t we take a break. But before we do go, let’s check in with our FOX news fact checker. Carla, how did we do?

[Cut to Carla]

Carla: Bad! Y’all gonna have me up all night.

[Cut to Steve, Elizabeth and Brian]

Steve: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Fair enough, Carla. We’ll see you after the break and…

Steve, Elizabeth and Brian: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Finding Pain for Blues

Willan Odos Emore… Kenan Thompson

Joe Frowning Mou Dickson… Jay Pharoah

Toothpick Joe… Kyle Mooney

Adoly Wolf… Leslie Jones

Hallen Bobby Wallis… Matthew McConaughey

[Starts with a band playing at Charlie’s Blues Shack]

Willan: [singing] Well I’ve been so sad and lonely
since my cheating lady up and diedsaid I got the blues

Thank you! Thank you very much. Yeah, that was about my pig wife Luwain. She’s up in heaven hanging out with my dog and I’m down here with diabetes. My name is Willan Odis Emore. And joining me on the keys from New Orleans is Joe Frowning Mou Dickson. He finished building his first house one day before Katrina. What’s up, Joe?

[Cut to Dickson]

Dickson: My life is a living hell Odis.

[Cut to Willan]

Willan: Mine too. On the harmonica, his delivery doctor was drunk, left three extra inches of umbilical. It’s Toothpick Joe. How you doing Joe?

[Cut to Joe]

Joe: Real bad, Odis. Real bad.

[Cut to Willan]

Willan: Well, alright. And on the drums, we got Ms. Adoly Wolf. She’s blind and a bat.

[Cut to Adoly]

Adoly: And drunk as a skunk.

[Cut to Willan]

Willan: You got to be. Alright, I almost forgot. We got a special guest all the way from San Francisco. It’s his first time at the Shack, Mr. Hallen Bobby Wallis.

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: Wa-hah! Well, thank you for letting me jam with y’all. You mind if I sing with you on the next one?

[Cut to the band]

Willan: Ay, as long as you got the blues my brother. Let’s rock out of 12 bar.

[band start playing]

[singing] Well I told my troubles to god
god said he didn’t like me
I guess that’s why my day job
is picking pores in IV

[cut to Bobby]

Bobby: [singing] I got a mean case of the blues
and it tearing me up inside
I got a bad haircut
and I don’t wanna go outside

[Other band members are looking at Bobby disappointed]

Right on.

[Cut to Willan]

Willan: What? He said a bad haircut?

Bobby: You know.

Willan: Alright, I guess we’re warming up then.

[singing] Well the mob wants me dead
I guess I ran out of luck
they put a bounty on my head
it’s for 35 bucks

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: [singing] Yeah, I took a cab down to the airport
the driver said have a good flight
I said you too
and it’s been bugging me all night

Willan: Well I got rats in my bed
mice in my shoes

Bobby: My fantasy football team sucks

Willan: Okay, you know, let’s just take a pause. [Cut to Willan and Bobby] Let’s take a pause here. Bobby, you know the blues is about heart ache. You gotta bleed.

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I hear you now. I hear you now. That’s a good feedback. Yeah, keep it painful. Yeah.

[Cut to the band]

Willan: Okay, good. Let’s hit it.

[singing] Well my true love she done left me
left me for my dad
now neither of them love me
and they were all I had

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: Well my lady left me too
thought I’d never see her again
but later we reconnected
now she’s my wife and my best friend
Oh!

[Cut to Willan and Bobby]

Willan: Man. Come on, man! That ain’t the blues. You got to sing some sad stuff like I’ve been singing about.

Bobby: Right, right, right. Okay. Just like you.

Willan: Yeah.

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: Here we go.

[singing] Well I’m an old black guy
I’m wearing a hat
I’m so old and black
I am black, I am black, I am black

[Cut to Willan]

Willan: No! Not right!

Bobby: What do you mean?

Willan: You know what? Somebody else talk to this man before I lose my lunch which by the way was just corn.

[Cut to Joe]

Joe: Bobby, find that real pain deep down. Just tell an honest story brother. And now chill on this.

[Joe starts playing his instrument]

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: Right, right, right. Okay, okay, okay. Honest story. Here we go.

[singing] Well I used to work at Facebook
but I quit and sold my shares
now I’m suicidal
all my friends are billionaires

Willan: For real?

Bobby: Oh, yeah man. I got the blues.

Willan: Ha-ha. That sucks. But I guess now you got the blues, baby.

[Cut to the band]

I say now you got the blues
you got the blues
you got the blues

[The End]

A Thanksgiving Miracle

Beck Bennett

Vanessa Bayer

Cathy… Aidy Bryant

Cecily Strong

Jamal… Jay Pharoah

Grandpa… Matthew McConaughey

Grandma… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a family having dinner]

Beck: Alright guys, happy thanksgiving everyone.

[everyone wishes each other]

I am so thankful to have you all here today.

Vanessa: I am thankful that I only burned the turkey a little bit.

[everyone laughs]

Cathy: You know, I am thankful that our governor is not gonna let those refugees in here.

Cecily: Oh my god!

[Cut to a video that says “Thanksgiving with family can be hard.”]

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: You know, I heard the refugees are all ISIS in disguise.

[Cecily shaking her head]

Cathy: Oh yeah, that’s true. [Cut to Cathy] I actually saw an ISIS in the A&P today when I was picking up the yam.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: No, you didn’t aunt Cathy. That was an Asian woman.

[Cut to a video that says “Everyone has different opinions and beliefs.”]

[Cut to everybody]

Cathy: You know what? [pointing at Jamal. Jamal is the only black person at the table] I have a question for you. Why is it that your friends keep antagonizing the police?

[Jamal is offended]

Cecily: Why would you ask my boyfriend that?

Cathy: Well I’m just trying to get to know Jamal.

[Cut to a video that says “But there’s one thing that unites us all…”]

[Cut to everybody arguing with each other. The little girl sitting by Cathy gets up and plays Adele’s ‘Hello’ on the music player.]

[Everyone suddenly stops talking]

[Cut to Cathy lipsyncing to the song]

Cathy: Hello, it’s me.

[Cut to Vanessa lipsyncing to the song]

Vanessa: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet.

[Cut to Beck lipsyncing to the song]

Beck: To go over everything.

[Cut to Cathy and Jamal holding hands and lipsyincing to the song]

Jamal: They say that time’s supposed to heal you but I ain’t done much healing.

[doorbell rings]

Vanessa: Oh, your grandparents are here.

[Cut to the grandparents walking in]

Beck: How was the flight?

Grandpa: It was good. Good.

Grandma: I saw two transgender at the airport. They sure look all pretty.

Grandpa: Very interesting trend.

[Cut to Cecily and Jamal]

Cecily: Oh, my god!

Jamal: Transgender is not a trend Mr. Paul.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: There weren’t any around when I was younger.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Yeah, they were there but they couldn’t say anything so they lived sad lives and died.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: No talking about…

[everyone starts arguing again]

[Cut to the little girl who plays the song again]

[The video changes to black and white. Everyone stands up lipsyncing to the song.]

All: Hello from the other side

[They have the wind blowing on them effect going on]

I must have called a thousand times

[Beck has his nails done like Adele in her video]

To tell you I’m sorry for everything that I’ve done
When I called you never seemed to be home

[The burnt turkey turns into a well cooked turkey]

Hello from the other–

[The oven’s timer beeps]

Vanessa: Oh, the pies are ready.

[Cut to Cathy]

Cathy: And I am ready to vote for Ben Carson.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: You are such a–

[Cut to Vanessa walking to bring the pie but she slips and presses the button to play the song]

[Cut to the family lipsyincing to the song. The video changes to black and white again.]

All: Hello from the other side

[Everyone is wearing a coat like Adele in her video now]

At least I can say that I tried
To tell you I’m sorry for breaking your heart

[Now even men have long blonde hair like Adele]

but it don’t matter, it clearly doesn’t tear you apart

[Now everyone is at Adele’s ‘Hello’ shooting venue with a pond and flying autumn leaves.]

Anymore
anymore
anymore

[Cut to everybody. Little girl is also sitting at the table.]

Vanessa: Dig in, everyone.

[Little girl turns towards the camera]

Little girl: Thanks Adele.

[The End]

White Contestant in Black Jeopardy

Darnell Hayes… Kenan Thompson

Amir… Jay Pharoah

Keeley… Sasheer Zamata

Alison… Elizabeth Banks

[Starts with Black Jeopardy intro]

Male voice: This is Black Jeopardy.

[Cut to the show set]

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: Alright. Wad up, wad up? Welcome to Black Jeopardy, the only jeopardy that’s produced entirely in cash. I’m your host Darnell Hayes. Our contestants are Amir.

[Cut to Amir]

Amir: Come on now, bro!

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: Keeley.

[Cut to Keeley]

Keeley: Hi!

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: And Alison.

[Cut to Alison. She is a white woman.]

Alison: Thank you. So good to be here.

[Cut to Darnell. He checks his cards.]

Darnell: Um, Alison, you know this is Black Jeopardy, right?

[Cut to Alison]

Alison: Oh yeah, I dated a black guy once. So, I don’t see color. It’s just Jeopardy to me.

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: Okay, we’ll see how that goes. Um, let’s check out our categories. We got…

[cut to the game screen]

“It ain’t like that”, “who’s try’na”, “I don’t know you!”, “shaking my head”, “what had happened was”, and as always “white people”.

[Cut to Darnell]

Amir, you’re a returning champ. You pick.

[Cut to Amir]

Amir: Okay, okay, cool. Let’s do “I don’t know you!” for $200.

[Cut to the game screen]

Darnell: Okay, the answer there… The cashier wants your phone number for a price plus card.

[Cut to the contestants. Amir presses the buzzer.]

Amir.

Amir: What is… “I don’t know you. You ain’t put me in the system.”

Darnell: That’s right. [Cut to Darnell] That’s right. Big brother, you know what I’m saying? Big brother. Go ahead Amir.

[Cut to Amir]

Amir: Okay, cool. Let me get “I don’t know you” for four.

[Cut to the game screen]

Darnell: Okay. The waiter wants to know if you got allergies.

[Keeley presses the buzzer]

Keeley.

[Cut to Keeley]

Keeley: What is… “I don’t know you. If I’m itchy that’s my business.”

Darnell: You damn right. [Cut to Darnell] You damn right. What? I can’t even itch when I wanna? Come on!

[Cut to Keeley]

Keeley: Right? Okay. Let’s stick with “I don’t know you”.

[Cut to the game screen]

Darnell: Okay, the answer… The man in the bus station says he needs to use your phone due to a personal emergency.

[Cut to the contestants. Alison presses the buzzer.]

Alison.

[Cut to Alison]

Alison: What is… “I don’t know you… or what you’ve been through. So, I have no right to judge your experience.”

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: No. Might be a long night for you, Alison. Keeley, still your pick.

[Cut to Keeley]

Keeley: Okay, let me get “Who try’na” for $200.

[Cut to the game screen]

Darnell: Okay. The answer… He try’a act like nothing happened.

[Amir presses the buzzer]

Amir

[Cut to Amir]

Amir: Oh! Who is Jason PA Paul?

Darnell: Oh, you damn right. [Cut to Darnell] You damn right. Come on, man! Ain’t got no damn figures. What you think? We ain’t gonna notice. Ya’ll dead with a Gumby hat. Come on!

[Cut to Amir]

Amir: Alright, let’s stick with “Why try’na”.

[Cut to the game screen]

Darnell: Okay. They try’na act like Jesus don’t exist.

[Keeley presses the buzzer]

Keeley.

[Cut to Keeley]

Keeley: What is Starbucks?

Darnell: That’s it! [Cut to Darnell] That’s it! It’s a shame. It’s a shame.

[Cut to Keeley]

Keeley: Okay, let’s stay with “Who try’na” for $600.

[Cut to the game screen]

Darnell: Okay, the answer… After everything he did, he try’na act like he don’t owe us an explanation.

[Alison presses the buzzer]

Alison.

[Cut to Alison]

Alison: Who is Bill Cosby?

Darnell: No. [Cut to Darnell] I’m sorry, but no. The answer was Tom Brady. Tired of him winning all the time. You know?

[Cut to Alison]

Alison: Just as a white person, I’m not really sure how to answer these questions.

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: Oh, I’m sorry, you’re white? I don’t see color. Let’s just hear about today’s prizes. Johnny!

[Cut to Black Jeoprady prize video]

Male voice: Thanks Darnell. Today’s Black Jeopardy winner will receive a gift certificate to Leonard’s All White Menswear Palace. All whie suits in shades from eggshell to pearl! Be the head of your prom, funeral or NBA draft. Made for distinguished black men and a few fancy lesbians. Leonard’s All White Menswear Palace. And Long-Ass Wire. Now you can have cable television in every room of your house. It’s easy. With Long-Ass Wire. Back to you Darnell.

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: I like that long ass wire. Okay, Amir. The board if your’s.

[Cut to Amir]

Amir: Okay, okay, okay. Um, let’s go with “What had happened was” for $400.

[Cut to the game screen]

Darnell: Okay, the answer there… Your lights went off.

[Keeley presses the buzzer]

Keeley.

[Cut to Keeley]

Keeley: See, what had happened was, I was on my way to pay the bill and then I just didn’t.

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: Yeah, yeah. That happens. That happens.

[Cut to Keeley]

Keeley: Let’s stay with “What had happened was” for eight.

[Cut to the game screen]

Darnell: Okay. We were there. Where were you?

[Alison presses the buzzer]

Alison.

[Cut to Alison]

Alison: Well, it just so happened…

[wrong answer buzzer]

Darnell: No. [Cut to Darnell] No.

[Cut to Alison]

Alison: Okay, no. What happened in this particular case…

[wrong answer buzzer]

Darnell: No. I appreciate you trying though. Why don’t you go ahead and pick.

[Cut to Alison]

Alison: Alright. Let’s do “It ain’t like that” for $800.

[Cut tot he game screen]

Darnell: Okay then.

[The game screen shows ‘Daily Double’]

Wow, looks like you got the video Daily Double. And you’re little behind Alison but you can catch up right here. Let’s see the clue.

[Cut to 5 standing in front of a painting.]

Speaker 5: What’s up? In 1943, an artist named Archibald Motley painted the picture behind me. My question is, after all these years who killed Tupac?

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: Alison?

[Cut to Alison]

Alison: Okay, I think I’m getting the hang of this. I’m gonna say, Tupac was killed by a corrupt justice system that threatens us all.

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: Oh, I’m sorry, but that was a trick question. The answer is that Tupac is still alive.

[Cut to Amir]

Amir: Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. He’s down in Cuba at the Illuminati Hotel. That’s where he at.

[Cut to the contestants]

Alison: It’s just… uh! Like, no matter what I do, I can’t win.

[right answer bell ringing]

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: Yes! That is the blackest thing you said all day, Alison. All the points go to you.

[music playing]

Oh-oh! Well, the sound of the slow jam means it’s time to leave the party. So, we gonna take a break. When we come back, one of our contestants will win two tickets to Love & HipHop on Ice.

[Cut to Alison]

Alison: Oh! That sounds fun. What is that?

[The End]

The Bureau and the Pervert

Doug… Beck Bennett

Sasheer Zamata

Arnold… Bobby Moynihan

Abby Langly… Elizabeth Banks

Marcus Duke… Jay Pharoah

Becky… Aidy Bryant

Jon Rudnitsky

[Starts in a movie studio. Everyone is preparing for the shooting.]

Doug: Alright everyone, let’s shoot this thing.

[Sasheer walks in with Arnold]

Sasheer: Doug, this is Arnold Bagster. He won the walk on role.

Doug: Oh, yes. Hi, I’m Doug the director. Welcome.

Arnold: Oh, thank you. This is so cool.

Doug: Everyone, this is Arnold Bagster and he bid, um… how much?

Arnold: $3,000.

Doug: $3,000 and won the part of clothing store customer. Let’s give him a hand.

[everybody clapping and cheering for Arnold]

Arnold: Oh, no. Thank you. Thank you. It was a charity auction for arts education. So for a good cause.

[Abby and Marcus walks in. Doug walks out.]

Abby: Wow, is this the big spender right here?

Arnold: Wow, oh my gosh. Abby Langly. And you’re Marcus Duke.

Marcus: That’s right.

[They shake hands]

Arnold: I am such a fan of the show.

Marcus: Well, us too. Welcome to The Bureau.

Arnold: Ah!

[Cut to Doug and Arnold]

Doug: So Arnold, did anybody tell you about the scene at all?

Arnold: Um, no. All I know is I’m supposed to say, “Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?” I’ve been practicing.

Doug: Perfect! Real easy stuff. Stand right here, and after I call action, you say your line to our employee Becky here. [Becky walks in]

Becky: Hi.

Doug: Then Marcus and Abby come in and say a few lines. Sound good?

Arnold: Yeah. That sounds great.

[Sasheer walks in and puts a coat on Arnold]

Sasheer: Wardrobe flying in for the talent.

Arnold: Oh, talent? I’ve never been called that before.

Doug: Okay, let’s shoot this. Have fun Arnold.

Arnold: Okay.

[Cut to everybody. Doug walks away.]

Marcus: Hey, good luck, man.

[Abby and Marcus walk away too]

[Jon walks in with the clapperboard.]

Jon: The Bureau, scene 1-C, take one.

Arnold: This is so cool.

[Jon walks out]

Doug: Okay, we set? And action.

Arnold: Um, excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?

Becky: Oh, they’re just down the hall and to the left there.

[Abby and Marcus walk in pointing a gun at Arnold]

Abby: [yelling] You’re not going anywhere you sick son of a bitch.

[Everyone else leaves]

Marcus: [showing his police badge] Hands up, pervert!

[Arnold raises his both hands]

Abby: You’ve been a busy boy, Nicholas. Or should I call you the Grooville Peeping Tom?

[Abby pulls out a sketch of Arnold out]

Oh, yeah. The sketch artist did a great job. Looks exactly like you, right down to your pervert eyes.

Marcus: Yeah, now let’s search his pockets.

[Marcus pulls out a pink bathing suit out of Arnold’s coat that Sasheer put on him]

Oh! What have we here? A teenager’s bathing suit.

Abby: What kind of man gets his jolly sniffing one pieces?

[Cut to close shot of Arnold’s face looking worried]

This man!

[Cut to everybody]

[Becky walks in]

Becky: Shame on you sir. You are a monster. I hate you!

[Becky runs away]

Abby: By the way, forensics took a little trip to your apartment. What’s this I hear about a scarf made from teenager’s hair? Put this creep in bracelets.

[Marcus pulls Arnold’s hands to handcuff him]

Arnold: Ou! Ou!

Abby: How about one for the road?

[Abby puts the bathing suit in Arnold’s mouth]

[Doug walks in]

Doug: Cut! Great! Great stuff. Wow, Arnold. I mean those reactions were so natural.

Arnold: Oh my god, I told so many people about this.

Marcus: Hey man, the star is born.

Abby: I mean, quit that day job, bud. What do you do?

Arnold: Middle-school principal. Look, so is this definitely gonna be in the show?

Doug: Yeah, yeah. Kicks off the episode. Pretty awesome, huh? So we just need to grab a few promo spots with you.

Arnold: I’m sorry, what’s happening?

Abby: Oh, it’s just some quick ads for the show. You just look right into the camera. alright?

Arnold: Alright?

Doug: And action!

Marcus: Hi Delta passengers. We hope you’re enjoying your free and flight TV. We just busted this nasty pervert.

Abby: To see how, check out The Bureau, available to watch on today’s flight.

Doug: And cut.

Arnold: Oh, my god. My parents fly Delta.

Doug: Let’s do a TV spot.

Arnold: Wait, can you guys say that I’m playing a pervert or something please?

Abby: Oh, yeah.

Marcus: Sure, sure, sure.

Doug: And action!

Marcus: Hi, this man is a dirty pervert.

Abby: And it’s our job to stop him. The Bureau is up next, but first enjoy the Superbowl.

Doug: And cut.

[Arnold is shook]

Arnold: Wait, this is gonna air during the Superbowl?

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: No, no, no, no, no. The promo will air right before the Superbowl. Your episode will air right after.

[Cut to Arnold, Abby and Marcus]

Arnold: So, a lot of people are gonna see this.

[Abby and Marcus laughing]

Abby: This guy.

Marcus: He’s got the bug, man. Hollywood to the bone.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: And that’s a wrap on our pervert.

[Cut to everybody]

Abby: Whooo! Great job.

[Jon comes with a huge board handing it over to Arnold]

Jon: And we have a little parting gift for you.

Abby: Oh, yeah, yeah. Yesterday, we shot a scene where we search our character’s apartment and this was a prop from the set.

[The board has Arnold’s photo wearing a girl’s swimsuit.]

The whole cast signed it.

Arnold: Wait, so this picture is gonna be on TV? I never posed for this picture.

Doug: Oh, we used your wardrobe fitting photo. The guys in the art department are wizards with that Photoshop.

Abby: Yeah, hey, you can hang it in your office at the middle school.

Arnold: No, thank you.

Doug: Well, thanks so much Arnold. And hey, keep an eye out. You might pop on an ad or two.

[Cut to Time Square where Arnold’s picture with ‘Pervert’ written on it is used for the ad.]

[The End]