Tag: season 46

Weekend Update- A Weary Mother in Her Darkest Hour on Disney’s Reopening

Michael Che

Pauline… Ego Nwodim

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: After being closed more than a year, Disney Land reopened last week and here to talk about her experience is Pauline, a weary mother in her darkest hour.

[Pauline slides in]

Pauline: Oh, Michael, Michael, Michael.

Michael Che: Hey, how are you doing, Pauline? So, you must feel good. You just got on the happiest place on earth.

Pauline: The happiest place on earth? For who? I am not happy. No, no, no. I am tired. I stood in line for two hours in Splash mountain so I could sit my haggard ass in a log flume only to have that very flume break down. Well, Mr. Splash Mountain, you don’t think I want to break down sometimes doing all I do for these kids? Well, I do. You want to know the difference between me and you, Mr. Splash Mountain? I don’t get to break down. I just keep on getting my back blown out.

Michael Che: Alright. That sounds like a very different thing. But I hear you. I understand.

Pauline: Then I stood up to see I had been sitting in an inch of foul Disney water. Spent the rest of the day looking like I pee’d my pants. Sitting in my wet pants, eating a slice of pizza as thick as a book. That park ain’t right, Michael. That park is not right.

Michael Che: Alright. What did your kids think about being back at the park?

Pauline: Why does everything have to be about kids? I used to be a little sexual thing, Michael. I did. You know, men used to buy me appetizers. Multiple appetizers. I was somebody. Now I’m dragging babies from Jungle Cruise to Sleeping Beauty’s castle. Sleeping Beauty? Why is that hussy so tired? She don’t have kids. I could be pretty too. But I sleep on my feet like a horse.

Michael Che: Yes. I’m sure your kids appreciate your sacrifice. I mean, did they have fun at least?

Pauline: I don’t know. You tell me. They spent the whole day moaning and groaning, “Mommy, I wanna meet Mickey. Mommy, I want a hug from Mickey. Mommy, why can’t Mickey be my mommy?” You wanna know what I said to those kids? You wanna know what I said?

Michael Che: Not really, but I think you’re going to tell me.

Pauline: I said [sad music playing] I have given you kids every part of me. I’ve given you my blood, my sweat, my tears. I have given you my neck, my back. And as for my pushy and my crack, oho! You ripped those away from me a long time ago.

Michael Che: Oh, wait. Hold on! Where are your kids right now?

Pauline: Oh, check you out. Now you want to be worried about our kids?

Michael Che: Our kids?

Pauline: Yeah. CJ is starting to look just like you.

Michael Che: Who is CJ?

Pauline: Che Junior.

Michael Che: Wait a minute. His name is Che Jr. Che?

Pauline: Yes. Yes, it is. And when little CJ wanted a souvenir, I showed my breasts to Goofy for some Mardi Gras Beads in the French quarter. Turns out I ain’t have to do all that. They were complimentary.

Michael Che: Aw, Pauline, everybody!

Pauline: Who’s gonna fast pass me?

 

Wario

Plaintiff attorney…Heidi Gardner

Luigi… Kyle Mooney

Judge… Cecily Strong

Defense attorney… Mikey Day

Wario… Elon Musk

Waluigi… Kate McKinnon

Princess Peach… Chloe Fineman

Andrew Cuomo… Pete Davidson

Mario… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a case running in the court room]

Plaintiff attorney: And I know this is difficult, but were you present at the time of your brother’s murder?

Luigi: I was.

Plaintiff attorney: And how exactly was he a-killed? Sorry. Killed.

Luigi: We had a friendly race in the gocart. Then someone threw a bananapeel at Mario. His car spin out. He wiped all over the pavement. I hear noise like — [the sound of Mario dying in game plays] And I knew my brother was dead.

Plaintiff attorney: And is the person who threw banana peel present in the courtroom at this moment.

Luigi: [pointing] He!

Judge: Alright. Let the record show that the witness has indicated Wario, the evil Mario.

Defense attorney: Objection.

Judge: I’m sorry. The other Mario.

Plaintiff attorney: The prosecution rests, your honor.

Luigi: He a monster.

Wario: I’m afraid.

Defense attorney: Don’t worry. This is why they pay me the big bucks.

Judge: Would the defense like to call it’s first witness?

Defense attorney: We would, your honor. The defense calls Wario. Wario, is it true as many have put forward today that you are evil?

Wario: No. I am not evil. I’m just misunderstood. Some of the anti-Italian hate rate in this courtroom is disgusting.

Plaintiff attorney: Objection. His accent is really bringing it on himself.

Judge: Sustained. Watch it, Wario.

Defense attorney: You know, funny you should mention his accent. Your honor, I’d like to submit as evidence Wario’s Super Mario wiki fan page and this is all real.

Wario: People are so mean online.

Defense attorney: First, the section entitled ‘personality’ and see if this doesn’t sound defamatory to my client’s character. “Wario is generally lazy, ruthless and greedy. He is foul and smelly, as he eats a lot of garlic, his favorite food.” Wow! Racist much?

Plaintiff attorney: Objection! He is eating garlic right now.

Defense attorney: Let’s just keep reading. Shall we? Here’s a section titled ‘friends’. “Wario has almost never been seen with friends. The only person who hangs out with him is Waluigi, the evil Luigi.”

Waluigi: And I don’t appreciate that description. I Waluigi. It’s like a weird Luigi. Not an evil Luigi. Not at all.

Plaintiff attorney: Objection, how is any of this relevant?

Defense attorney: It goes toward how my client is unfairly painted as a villain. Listen to his theme song.

[Wario’s theme songs plays. He starts dancing.]

Judge: Alright. I’ll have order in this court.

[Judge hits the table with a gavel. The sound of the gavel is that of when Mario hits coin brick.]

Defense attorney: Wario, you know Mario better than anyone.

Wario: He’s just like me, only different colors. And I’m a little fatter.

Defense attorney: Did Mario have a dark side?

Wario: Yes. He started eating mushrooms. At first it was micro-dosing. And then it became macro-dosing. And sometimes he was flashing like he was invincible. That’s when he was on cocaine.

Plaintiff attorney: Objection.

Judge: Overruled. This is fun.

Defense attorney: And was there anything off between him and Luigi?

Wario: Yes. I hate for it to come out like this but Luigi was sleeping with Princess Peach, Mario’s wife.

[Luigi and Princess Peach get angry]

Luigi: You lie. We never sleep together.

Princess Peach: I never touch him under the overall.

Defense attorney: Hah! If what you say is true, how do you explain these text messages. “Hey Luigi, my faucet’s dripping. I need a plumber who can really lay some pipe.” From Luigi, three:seventeen AM, “U up? I am…” And then he sent this video.

[The video shows Luigi’s penis getting an erection. The sound of Mario’s growing plays.]

Defense attorney: And I don’t think I need to tell you what the growing noise means.

Luigi: You are son of a bitch. Your ruin my life!

[Luigi pulls out a turtle]

Princess Peach: Luigi, no!

Judge: He’s got a red turtle shell.

[Andrew Cuomo walks in]

Andrew Cuomo: Hello. I’m governor Andrew Cuomo.

Wario: And I’m Wario.

Andrew Cuomo: And we are two misunderstood Italian Americans.

Wario: I’m actually Japanese, but okay.

Andrew Cuomo: Sure. Please don’t believe the horrible stereotypes. You see, in Mario world, some of the bad guys are even called “Goombas”.

[Mario walks in]

Mario: And I’m regular Mario. Don’t worry about me. Sure, I died. But I still got three lives left. [starts dancing]

Andrew Cuomo: And hopefully, so do I.

[Cut to Italian-American Anti-Defamation League logo]

Male voice: This has been a message from  Italian-American Anti-Defamation League

Cartoon Wario: Ane me, Wario! Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Post-Quarantine Conversation

Kate Mckinnon

Beck Bennett

Chris Redd

Ego Nwodim

Heidi Gardner

Elon Musk

Andrew Dismukes

[Starts with show intro]

Female voice: And now, every conversation with people you haven’t seen since quarantine started.

[Cut to people at a party. Kate walks to Beck.]

Kate: Hey.

Beck: Hi.

Kate: Good to see you. It’s been– Well, it’s been since before quarantine.

Beck: Yes. Totally. How– How was it?

Kate: Um, yeah, it was okay. Considering. It was okay.

Beck: Yeah.

Kate thinking to herself: Who the fuck is this? Is this a person I know?

Beck: It’s such a weird time. But things seem to be opening up again. Fingers crossed.

[both laughing]

Beck thinking to himself: Who the hell is this woman? Is she my wife’s friend? Or do our kids go to school together?

[Cut to Chris and Ego chatting on a sofa]

Chris: It’s such a crazy time right now. What’s summer even going to be like?

Ego: I know, right? Like, will people travel and do stuff?

Chris: I will get on a plane with you right now.

[both laughing]

Chris thinking to himself: Is she my cousin? Hope I’m not flirting with someone that might be my cousin.

Ego thinking to herself: He remembers he’s my cousin, right? And how many times can a person say, “it’s such a crazy time right now”?

Chris: It’s such a crazy time right now.

[Cut to Heidi and Elon chatting]

Heidi: So, did you travel at all?

Elon: No. You?

Heidi: No.

Elon: Cool.

Heidi thinking to herself: Is this really a conversation?

Elon thinking to himself: I think this is going pretty well.

[Cut to Kate and Beck]

Beck: And how was your quarantine?

Kate: You asked me that already. But you know, it was okay. Some ups and downs.

Kate thinking to herself: Ups and downs? You stabbed your husband with a screwdriver. You won’t finish the bookshelf and you stabbed him. You don’t even own books.

Kate: But I’m sure we all went through some stuffs.

Beck: Totally.

Beck thinking to himself: It affected me zero.

Beck: But I think I’m just going to be extra cautious for the rest of my life, you know?

[Beck wipes his noes, grabs some snakes with the same hand, eats the snacks and licks his finger.]

[Cut to Heidi and Elon]

Elon: Which vaccine did you get?

Heidi: I got Pfizer.

Elon: I got Mederna.

Heidi: Nice.

Heidi thinking to herself: A question that leads nowhere. It’s like asking, “Are you more tylenol or advil”?

Elon thinking to himself: Let me guess. The second dost knocked her out for BeckEgo hours.

Heidi: The second dose knocked me out for about BeckEgo hours.

Elon: Well, it sounds like a unique experience you need to tell everyone about.

Elon thinking to himself: Oh, shit! I said that out loud. Quick laugh so that she knows you’re kidding.

[Elon starts laughing, and Heidi follows]

Heidi thinking to herself: I’ll fucking kill you.

[Cut to Chris and Ego]

Chris: I got that Johnson&Johnson baby, one and done.

Ego: And now you’re totally safe.

[Cut to Kate and Beck]

Beck: Quarantine was good though?

Kate: No.

Beck: Great.

Kate: But recently I have been going to dinner again.

Kate thinking to herself: Did I just say “I’ve been doing to dinner again”? Should I give him more details or should I die?

Beck: I went to one dinner outdoors and one dinner indoors.

Beck thinking to himself: Do I have brain damage? I think I might have permanent brain damage.

[Cut to Heidi and Elon]

Heidi: How is your wife?

Elon: Oh, really good. We’ve been working from home, so we’re really productive and we get to see each other more.

Elon thinking to himself: We’re getting divorced and I’m losing my job.

[Cut to Kate and Beck]

Kate: Anyway, so great to see you.

Beck: So fine catching up.

Beck thinking to himself: I will never see this woman again.

Kate thinking to herself: I will make it a post quarantine goal to never talk to this man again for the rest of my life.

Beck: Come here.

[Beck tries to hug Kate but Kate refuses]

Beck: We’re bros.

Kate: Okay.

[Cut to Heidi and Elon]

Heidi: It was really great talking to you.

Elon: Me too.

Heidi: Me too.

Elon: It’s great.

Heidi: Yes.

[both runs to opposite direction]

[Cut to Chris and Ego]

Chris: Hey, this was lot of fun.

Ego: Yeah. [Chris leans to kiss Ego] What are you doing?

Chris: What?

Ego: You’re my cousin.

Chris: What? Oh, nah! I totally forgot.

Chris thinking to himself: I almost got away with it.

[Andrew walks in]

Andrew: Hey, everyone. A toast to Mark for getting us all back together.

[everybody raising glass but confused]

Andrew thinking to himself: Oh, shit, this is a wrong house.

Ooli Show

Barn… Mikey Day

Ooli… Chloe Fineman

Ragnorok… Elon Musk

Frances McDormand… Kate McKinnon

Steve Buscemi… Pete Davidson

Bjork… Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with channel intro]

Male voice: You’re watching Iceland Public Television.

[Cut to show intro]

Male voice: Pop culture. Bops. Celebrities. Games. Candy. It’s the “Ooli show”.

[Cut to Barn]

Barn: And now, let meet host, Iceland’s number one social media star, Ooli.

[Cut to Barn]

Ooli: Hello and welcome to the Ooli show. Pretty cool. I’m Ooli and this is my side guy, Barn.

Barn: We got big show today, Ooli.

Ooli: So cool. Iceland’s number one comedy duo is here. Thobo and Graptor.

[Cut to Ragnorok and Frances. They just groan.]

[Cut back to Ooli]

Ooli: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Hilarious. So, you have a good weekend, Barn?

Barn: Yes. I visited my elf shrine, Ooli. I left a tiny sausage for them.

Ooli: Aw, so cute. You have to keep the elfs happy or they spill your shoes. Oh, I see my producer Ragnorok is trying to get my attention. What’s wrong? Did I mess something?

Ragnorok: You? Ha-ha-ha. Never. I just can’t hold it any longer, Ooli. I’m in love with you. Please, will you be my girlfriend?

Ooli: Aw, Ragnorok, you’re so silly. But no. Okay, time to say, “What’s up, y’all?”, to our big celebrity star, Frances McDormand.

[Frances walks in. Barn, Ooli and Ragnorok are dancing]

Frances: Are you going to stop dancing or are we–? [They don’t stop] Okay.

Ooli: Yeah! [after dancing a while, Ooli and Barn take their seats] So, Frances, welcome to the ‘Ooli Show’. What’s bringing you to Iceland?

Frances: I’m here to buy more Gray Sack dresses. Ha-ha-ha. I’m out of Gray Sacks.

Ooli: Wow. Pretty cool.

Frances: So, what is this? People really watch this show?

Ooli: Yes. Well, I was just like this normal Icelandinc girl. But then tit popped out during Prince Phillip funeral. So, now they gave me show. Lucky, it was my good tit. So, tell me about your movie “Nomad Land”.

Frances: Well, you know, it’s a look at how the great recession impacted the American dream.

Ooli: Oh, wow. That sound boring. Okay, time for a quick hat. [Ooli wears a red hat] Is my hat funny?

Barn: [laughing alone] Ha-ha-ha-ha. Yeah! Frances?

Frances: Uh, yeah, sure.

Ooli: And now, a very quick word from our sponsor, Barn?

Barn: Well, the Ooli show is sponsored by “Cousin Checker” app. How many times have you found out too late that your lover is your cousin? In Iceland, it happens a lot. Cousin Checker tells you if you’re cousins before you get passed second base. Download now.

Ooli: Okay, Ragnorok, you keep waving your arms. Don’t ask me to be your girlfriend again.

Ragnorok: No, I promise.

Ooli: Okay good, go ahead.

Ragnorok: Be my girlfriend. I have a little bit of money but lots of goats and ponies.

Ooli: Okay. I love ponies. They’re very, very cute. But still, a hard no. Okay. Let’s bring out our next guest. Give a big hand to our American movie guest, Steve Buscemi.

[Steve walks in. Barn and Ooli are dancing]

Frances: Yes. So, since he’s here, can I leave? Because I would love to leave.

Ooli: No way. You have to stay the whole time. So, Steve Cemi, you seem like a cool American guy like Bart Simpson. Bad boy Bart Simpson kind of guy, yes?

Barn: Yeah. Like, American kind of Scooby Doo kind of guy. Roller Coaster Pizza Pie guy.

Steve: Thanks.

Ooli: You have a new movie coming out?

Steve: No, I don’t.

Barn: Wow, so cool. Okay, Ragnorok, what now?

Ragnorok: Ooli, I think of all the good times we could have, eating fermented calk in the nude.

Ooli: Okay, Ragnorok, stop. Cousin Check told us we were cousins.

Ragnorok: Exactly. We have so much in common.

Ooli: Ha-ha. Awkward. Now, we have one more special surprise. It’s a little baby song. Please welcome Iceland’s most and only famous musician, BJork!

[Cut to BJork]

[music playing]

BJork: This song is about tiny, tiny bird.

[singing badly] Hi, little tiny bird
with a giant heart

Thank you.

Ooli: Wow. Beautiful. After the break, with more Steve and Frances.

Frances: Oh, I still can’t leave?

Ooli: No. No way. Stick around for more Ooli show. Bye bye.

 

Murdur Durdur

Alex Moffat

Care… Kate McKinnon

Policeman… Bowen Yang

Owen… Beck Bennett

Woman… Chloe Fineman

Heidi Gardner

[Starts with a movie intro. Alex and Care are investigating a murder]

Male voice: In a small town somewhere between New York and DC.

Alex: County sent me to see this investigation.

Male voice: Comes another story of grizzled lady detective.

Care: Cell me Care. Everybody else does.

Bowen: A jogger found the body over there.

Alex: What do we know so far?

Care: I don’t know we know. All I know is what we don’t know.

Male voice: With a very specific accent.

[Care looks at the dead body’s face]

Care: Oh, no. I know her. It’s Owen’s dudur (daughter).

Alex: Durdur?

Care: Did I stir? The durdur has been murdered.

Alex: Oh, daughter.

Male voice: You’ve seen dead teens in New York, Chicago and Boston. But what about another city with very specific white? Pennsylvania whites.

[Two police officers ad eating

Care: Would you quit eating wawa hoagies over the body, please?

Police officers: Sorry, boss.

Male voice: From the makers of “Mare of Easttown” and “It’s always sunny in Philadelphia”, comes–

[Owen comes in]

Owen: No. Is it my durdur?

Care: Owen, she’s murdered.

Owen: They murdered my durdur?

Care: I’m afraid so.

Owen: [falls on his knees] My durdur! My baby durdur, and they murdered her!

Male voice: Murder Durdur, an extremely Pennsylvania crime show.

Care: I’m going to Yngling to take the edge off.

Owen: Oh, thanks Care.

Male voice: Highly accurate”, says the Delco-Daily. “The writers clearly googled. They knew the foods and the towns.”

[The detectives are looking at the map]

Bowen: Thur in this third matches the stin down the Daninton.

Care: The roras for Pesho Casen.

Bowen: Pesco cho hankin?

Care: No, Pesho Casen. Over by the Jangoff bridge.

Alex: Great. And you guys can spell that for me later?

Male voice: Starring an actress with a messy ponytail that says “Forget, I’m actually British.”

[Cut to Care interrogating a woman]

Care: Mandi (Monday) night, how did she get hum (home).

Woman: I told you. She got um on her own.

Care: Show me your phone.

Woman: Fine. But I ain’t murder no one’s durdur. I have no idea how she ended up in the wooter (water).

Care: What wooter?

Male voice: The New York time says, “So authentically Pennsylvania, I’m assuming. Absolutely everyone was related to each other.”

Bowen: Look, Care, I know why you’re a cop. Because your pop was a cop. And your pop pop was a cop. And your pop pop’s pop pop was the original Philly fanatic. It’s not your fault your son drowned in the schuylkill on purpose.

Alex: How does he know all that?

Care: Because he is my cousint (cousin). And he’s my cousint [pointing at another guy]. And that’s my ex-husbands (husband) [pointing at another guy]. And that girl–

Heidi: Hey, Care.

Alex: Let me guess, your cousint?

Care: No. It’s my grandurr.

Alex: Granddaughter? How old are you?

Care: I’m Philly 40.

Male voice: Constantly overcast. A creek and three bad homes. And moments of true suspense.

[Alex and Care are in the woods at night with flash lights. They hear something moving.]

Alex: Wait, is that the killer?

Care: No, that’s just Gritty.  [Someone’s wearing full Gritty costume and running way] Hey, Gritty, go flyers! [Gritty waves his hand]

[Cut to Owen walking into the police station]

Owen: Cap, I’m going to murder whoever murdered my durdur.

Care: Owen. I don’t know who did your durdur’s murder, alright?

[a pastor walks in with a girls bicycle]

Pastor: I need some help. I’m father Delbert, you durdur and I were friends.

Care: Oh! Okay. So, he did it. He is the durdur murderer.

Pastor: You got me.

Male voice: Murdur durdur, this is where Joe Biden is from. Wow.

Mother’s Day Message Cold Open

[Starts with Miley Cyrus on SNL stage]

Miley Cyrus: Tomorrow is Mother’s day, and this is for all the moms out there.

[singing] It’s been a long dark night
And I’ve been waiting for the morning
It’s been a long hard fight
But I see a brand new day dawning

I’ve been looking for the sunshine
You know I ain’t seen it in so long
Everything’s gonna work out just fine
Everything’s gonna be all right
That’s been all wrong

Now, let’s get some moms out here.

[Cut to Kate McKinnon and her mother]

Kate: Thank you for coming, mama.

Kate’s Mom: So Kate, is there any chance you’re going to be doing Mary Katherine Gallagher?

Kate: Molly Shannon is not on the show anymore, but it seems like you’re doing Mary Katherine Gallagher.

Kate’s Mom: Let’s do it.

Kate: Okay.

[Both jumps with their both arms up]

Both: Mother’s Day!

[Cut to Aidy Bryant and her mother]

Aidy: Hi, mom.

Aidy’s Mom: Aidy, I missed you so much. But at least I could see on on your show.

Aidy: Oh, mom. Well, it’s not just my show.

Aidy’s Mom: I mean, “Shrill”, season three, out now on Hulu.

Aidy: Very good job, mom. I love you.

[Cut to Kyle Mooney and his mother]

Kyle: I am so happy I get to be with you this mother’s day. I really missed you last year.

Kyle’s Mom: Now, you owe me two gifts.

Kyle: Cool. I kind of thought the trip here was the gift.

Kyle’s Mom: No!

[Cut back to Miley Cyrus]

Speaker 1: [singing] Cause I can see the light of a clear blue morning
I can see the light of a brand new day

[Cut to Beck Bennett and his mother]

Beck: So good to see you, mom.

Beck’s Mom: I’m so proud of you, Beck.

Beck: Aw, mom.

Beck’s Mom: Okay. And your brothers too.

Beck: Okay. But can tonight be about me?

[Cut to Mikey Day and his mother]

Mikey: I missed you, mom.

Mikey’s Mom: I can’t wait to give you a hug.

Mikey: Aw, mom.

Mikey’s Mom: I’m talking about Beck Bennett.

[Cut to Mikey Day and Beck Bennett both with their mothers]

Beck: Hi, Sylvia.

[Cut to Chris Redd and his mother]

Chris: Hey, mama.

Chris’s Mom: Good to see you, baby. I haven’t seen you since Thanksgiving and Christmas, and our big spring break vacation in Miami.

Chris: [laughing] Ha-ha, mama, shut up. You funny.

[Cut to Heidi Gardner with her mother]

Heidi: Thank you for being here, mom.

Heidi’s Mom: I wouldn’t miss it.

Heidi: And they didn’t write me a joke. I don’t know why.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson with his mother]

Kenan: This is my mom, the woman who taught me everything I know. Including how to do reaction shots. Isn’t that right, mom?

Kenan’s Mom: You know I did.

[Cut back to Mikey Cyrus]

Miley Cyrus: [singing] It’s been a long long time
Since I’ve known the taste of freedom
Those clinging vines
That had me bound but I don’t need ’em

I’ve been like a captured eagle
You know an eagle’s born to fly
And now that I have won my freedom
Like an eagle I’m eager for the sky

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor with her mother]

Melissa: Hey, mom.

Melissa’s Mom: Hi, sweetie. I love your impressions. You can do anybody.

Melissa: [smiling] You can do anybody.

Melissa’s Mom: Who was that?

Melissa: You.

Melissa’s Mom: That one needs work.

[Cut to Chloe Fineman with her mother]

Chloe: I love you, mom. You’re my best friend.

Chloe’s Mom: Oh, awkward. You dad is my best friend.

Chloe: Wow. Okay. And we better go. Dad’s asking Elon Musk for financial advice.

[Cut to Bowen Yang with his mother]

Bowen: I’m so happy you’re here, mom.

Bowen’s Mom: Me too, Bowen.

[Bowen’s mom kisses Bowen’s cheek. Then she puts Pirell on his cheek and wipes it.]

Bowen: Mom, don’t Pirell my face.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim with her mother]

Ego: Mom, you’re a doctor. Is everything going to be alright?

Ego’s Mom: Yes.

Ego: Are you proud of me?

Ego’s Mom: Yes.

Ego: Would you be more proud of me if I were a doctor?

Ego’s Mom: Of course!

[Cut to Miley Cyrus]

Miley Cyrus: [singing] Cause I can see the light of a clear blue morning
I can see the light of a brand new day

[Cut to Lauren Holt and Punkie Johnson with their mothers. They all have wine glasses in their hands.]

Lauren: Thank you to our amazing moms.

Punkie: Yeah, ma, I wouldn’t be here without you. Let’s cheers.

[Their moms drink the whole glass of wine at once]

Damn, ma!

Lauren: My god!

Punkie’s Mom: What? It’s been a long year.

Lauren’s Mom: I’ll drink to that.

[Cut to Pete Davidson with his mother]

Pete: Hey, mom.

Pete’s Mom: Sorry, I almost didn’t make it, Petey. I was up till six playing Madame with Chalamet.

Pete: Mom, you have to be more responsible. You had me worried sick.

[Cut to Colin Jost with his mother. His mother is holding cards.]

Colin: Hey, mom, what’s on this index cards?

Colin’s Mom: Michael Che gave them to me. He is so nice. He said to read them for the first time on live TV.

Colin: Yeah, you shouldn’t do that, mom. It’s a trap. You’re going to get our whole family canceled.

[Cut to Cecily Strong with her mother]

Cecily: Hi, mom. I’m so happy you’re here.

Cecily’s Mom: I know. It’s been over a year. [silence] Honey, say the punch line.

Cecily: I can’t. I’m too happy.

[Heidi walks in with her mother]

Heidi: Okay, if you’re not going to say the joke, can I have it?

[Cut to Miley Cyrus]

Miley Cyrus: [singing] I’m gonna be alright
everything’s gonna be alright

everything’s gonna be alright

it’s gonna be okay

[everyone joins Miley Cyrus with their moms]

Happy Mother’s Day to my godmother, Dolly Parton and to my mom too.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Gen Z Hospital

Mikey Day

Ego Nwodim

Nurse… Melissa Villaseñor

Kate McKinnon

Bowen Yang

Heidi Gardner

Doctor… Elon Musk

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: We now return to the thrilling conclusion of Gen Z Hospital.

[Cut to three people waiting in a hospital]

Mikey: Well, nobody’s telling us anything, is bestie going to be okay?

Ego: Nurse, we demand to know how our bestie is doing.

[nurse is wearing pink outfit and she had her hair dyed pink]

Nurse: I’m sorry, bro, I told you I don’t have that information yet.

Kate: Bro, seriously?

Bowen: I’m so pressed right now, bro.

Nurse: Don’t be pressed. Doctor will be in shortly, bro. Dead ass.

Heidi: Yo! If this doctor keeps leaving us on red, he’s going to catch hands on gang.

Ego: Na, na, it’s gonna be okay. Bestie cannot die like this.

Mikey: Big facts. She’s gonna make it, bro.

Kate: There’s the doctor now.

[doctor walks out]

Doctor: Is this Mogan’s squad?

Bowen: Gang, gang.

Kate: Doctor, please tell us what’s up with our bestie?

Doctor: You all might wanna sit down. What I have to say right now would be a little cringe.

Heidi: Just give us the tea.

Doctor: Okay. Well, as you may have seen it on our live, your bestie took a major L while driving her hellcat.

Bowen: Yeah, we saw.

Doctor: We tried everything we could in surgery and it was a sus for a while. But we have your bestie on our machine and we’re doing everything we can.

Kate: So, bestie is going to be okay, right?

Doctor: I’m sorry, but at this particular time, that’s looking like cap.

Mikey: Bro!

Heidi: Bro, can we see her?

Doctor: Unfortunately, not right now, bro. You know the vibes. But I promise if anything changes, I’ll pull up.

Mikey: Say less, bro.

Ego: And thank you, doctor. You a real one.

Kate: We stan you.

Doctor: And I stan you. I can only imagine the feels you’re going through right now. if you’ll excuse me.

Mikey: Bro! I’m extra salty right now. How could bestie be so irresponsible?

Bowen: Yo, millions of people flip their hellcat on live everyday cuh!

Ego: Yeah, you know that could have happened to anyone in the game.

Ego: I know, but when it’s bestie, it just hits different.

Mikey: Yeah, specially since bestie is my mom.

Bowen: Yo, she’s not just your mom.

Heidi: She is all our work moms.

Kate: Exactly. But please, go off, king.

Mikey: But she’s actually my mother, bro. So, it’s like a little different.

Ego: High key, it’s not though.

Bowen: Yeah. Take several seats respectfully, flaw!

Kate: Look, the doctor’s coming back in.

Doctor: Hey guys, so, big yikes. While I was out here trumping up with you, your bestie took a turn for the worst.

Mikey: Bro!

Heidi: You capping!

Doctor: Unfortunately, no cap. She’s literally dead right now.

Kate: So, she’s laughing?

Bowen: That’s good news.

Doctor: No. I mean she’s literally dead. Dead dead.

All: Bro!

Bowen: I pretend I do not hear it.

Heidi: Bro! I am so done right now!

Mikey: I am so dead that she is dead. Can we see her?

Doctor: Of course, but please, try not to get all extra. Sis?

[Nurse walks in with an urn]

Mikey: Bro, you already cremated her?

Doctor: No, this is empty.

Nurse: This just looks way better for the gram than a dead body.

Kate: That urn is really iconic.

Bowen: Fire.

Doctor: Take all the time you need.

[Doctor passes the urn to Mikey]

Mikey: Thanks, bro. I guess we should all say something, right? It’s the unconditional support and being a great mom for me.

Bowen: It’s the having 200,000 followers for me.

Kate: It’s the always doing donuts in your hellcat for me.

Heidi: It’s letting NBA Young Boy smasher all-star weekend for me.

Ego: It’s the “always bringing back henny from vacation” for me.

Doctor: Well, I don’t know. But it’s “I have full coverage” for me.

Mikey: That was beautiful, doctor bro. Alright, let’s get a pic. Come on. Crowd in.

[They all take a group selfie.]

Elon Musk Monologue

Elon Musk

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Elon Musk.

[Elon Musk walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Elon: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. It’s an honor to be hosting Saturday Night Live. I mean that. Sometimes, after I say something, I have to say “I mean that” so people really know I mean it. That’s because I don’t always have a lot of intonation or variation in how I speak. Which I’m told makes for great comedy. I’m actually making history night as the first person with Aspergers to host SNL. [cheers and applause] Or at least the first to admit it. So, I won’t make a lot of eye contact with the cast tonight. But don’t worry, I’m pretty good at running ‘human’ in emulation mode.

I’d first like to share with you my vision for the future. I believe in a renewable energy future. I believe that humanity must become a multi planetory space baring civilization. Those seem like exciting goals, don’t they? Now I think, if I just posted that on Twitter, I’d be fine. But I also write things like [Cut to Elon Musk’s tweet] “69 days after 4/20 again haha”. [Cut back to Elon Musk] I don’t know. I thought it was funny. That’s why I wrote ‘haha’ at the end.

Look, I know I sometimes say or post strange things, but that’s just how my brain works. To anyone offended, I just want to say I reinvented electric cars and I’m sending people to Mars in a rocket ship. Did you think I’m also going to be a chill normal dude?

Now, a lot of times people are reduced to the dumbest thing they ever did. Like one time, I smoked weed on Joe Rogan’s pocast. And now, all the time I hear, “Elon Musk, all he does is smoke weed on podcast.” Like I go to podcast to podcast lighting up joints. It happened once. It’s like producing OJ Simpson to “Murderer”. That was one time. Fun fact, OJ also hosted the show in 79, and again in 96. Killed both times.

One reason I’ve always loved SNL is because it’s genuinely live. A lot of people don’t realize that. We’re actually live right now. Which means I could say something cruelly shocking like, “I drive a Prius”.

SNL is also a great way to learn something new about the host. For example, this is my son’s name. [His son’s name appears on the screen] It’s pronounced – cat running across keyboard.

Another thing people want to know is what was I like as a kid? The answer is pretty much the same as now but smaller. But we’ll also ask my mother who is here tonight.

[Elon Musk ‘s mother walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Her name is Maye, like a month but with the ‘e’ at the end.

Elon’s Mom: Thanks for spelling my name, Elon.

Elon: Mom, do you remember when I was 12 and I created my own video game called ‘Blast Star’ about a space ship that battles aliens?

Elon’s Mom: I do. I remember they paid you $500 but you were too young to open a bank account, so I had to open one for you.

Elon: That’s right. What happened to that bank account?

Elon’s Mom: That’s not important. You turned that video game about space into reality.

Elon: Unless you consider that our reality might be a video game and we’re all just computer simulations being played by a teenager on another planet.

Elon’s Mom: That’s great, Elon. Well, break a leg tonight. I love you very much.

Elon: I love you too, mom.

Elon’s Mom: And I’m excited for my Mother’s Day gift. I just hope it’s not Dogecoin.

Elon: It is. It sure is. Okay. We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Miley Cyrus is here. So, stick around, we’ll be right back.

Cowboy Standoff

Earl… Kyle Mooney

Louisa… Cecily Strong

Beck Bennett

Jasper.. Alex Moffat

Kenan Thompson

Leron… Elon Musk

[Starts with a group of cowboys running around town]

Male voice: Tell ’em, the Pearl River gang ain’t messing around.

[Cut to Earl inside a bar. He is shot.]

Louisa: Oh my goodness, Earl!

[Earl groaning]

[Four men rush in]

Beck: We came as soon as we could.

Jasper: What happened?

Louisa: The Pearl River gang came through town. They shot Earl.

Earl: I’m fine. It’s just a scratch.

Jasper: That gang is out of control. We got to do something about it.

Kenan: Well, they’s always holed up in them foothills outside of Santa Fe. I reckon we go and give them taste of their own medicine.

Beck: Run straight at ’em, guns blazing.

Jasper: Hoo-whee! Let’s ride!

Leron: Or… hear me out on this. We can tunnel down into the earth and come up underneath them.

Beck: What?

Leron: They’re expecting a direct attack. But if we tunnel into the earth, we could come up underneath them and surprise them.

Jasper: Oh my god, there gives the genius talking about tunnels.

Louisa: Tunnels? Leron, I thought you was the electric horse guy.

Kenan: Yeah, isn’t that your’s plugged in outside?

[There’s a horse outside tied to a Tesla charging station.]

Leron: Sure. I do like, electric horses and self driving horses which are just horses. But I’ve also built a machine that can dig a tunnel 10 times faster than a gopher. I propose that we use it to ambush the Pearls River gang. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Beck: The hell you laughing at?

Leron: I just realized that Pearls River is an anagram for prevail err. Perhaps their prevailing error is not expecting sneak attack. He-he-he-he-he.

Jasper: Is this guy, like, slow?

Kenan: Yeah. Why you always saying stuff like that? Leron? Just be normal. Stop trying to reinvent the wheel.

Leron: Hmm.

Jasper: Ah! Dammit! Now he’s thinking about reinventing a new kind of wheel.

Beck: And besides, if we ambush that gang, we’ll never find out where they hid all their gold.

Leron: Oh yeah. I was thinking about that too. What if instead of panning for gold, we just create our own currency?

Kenan: Currency?

Jasper: Yeah. And what the heck would it be based on?

Leron: Whatever we say it’s based on?

Beck: [yelling] That ain’t how money works! Money is the golden rock that we dig out of the ground. Then we hope no one kills us before we trade it for pieces of green paper. It’s a perfect system.

Louisa: I don’t know, guys. Leron sounds pretty rich. I mean, smart. I think maybe I should spend some time with him upstairs so you guys check down that gang.

Leron: I would love nothing more than to fornicate with you, Louisa. But the overwhelming odds are that you have syphilis.

Louisa: Excuse me?

Leron: It’s actually a compliment. It means you’re successful at your job, which is a prostitute.

Louisa: Oh, well then, thank you, Leron. See? This is is a gentleman.

Beck: Then I’d just like to say I think you have syphilis as well.

Louisa: Hey! [slaps Beck] It don’t work when you say it. When Leron says it, it’s fine. Because he’s eccentric.

Jasper: Alright, enough! Okay, look. It’s not like Leron’s always right about everything.

Kenan: Yeah, what about that time we robbed a bank and he refuse to wear a mask?

Leron: Okay. For a while, I thought masks were dumb. But now I admit, masks make sense.

Jasper: Okay, see? Now, the plan is simple. The Pearl River gang came after us with guns, we’re going after them with guns. End of story.

Leron: Now let’s take a vote. Who wants to follow Jasper to a gun fight that will almost certainly result in your death. And who wants to do mine, genius tunnel plan?

All: Gun fight.

Leron: Hah! I don’t know why I even try.

Earl: Hey, I’m in too. Just need a minute.

Louisa: Oh, Earl.

[singing] He might not be the best at drinks
he might give off a couple of stinks,

but of all bartenders in the world
we don’t know one as fun as Earl

Leron: Wait, the closing song was about Earl? But I’m making the old west the new west.

All: [singing] Earl!

Male voice: History always remembered, Earl.

Chad on Mars

Elon Musk

Melissa Villaseñor

Chris Redd

Miley Cyrus

Mitchen… Mikey Day

Chad… Pete Davidson

[Starts with people having intense moment at Space-X headquarters]

Elon Musk: I came as soon as I could. What’s the situation at Mars?

Melissa: A solar storm. Biggest we’ve ever seen. It caused significant damage to the colony.

Chris: And the life support systems are down. They’re running out of air, sir.

[Cut to people at the Mars colony.]

Miley: The oxygen is dropping fast.

Elon Musk: There’s a back up O2 circulator outside of the habitat. One of them just needs to turn it on.

Melissa: The radiation levels outside are too high. It would be a suicide mission.

Mitchen: Sir, one of the colonist has volunteered. He’s on box now.

Elon Musk: So, there are still heroes in this world. Hello, who am I speaking to?

Chad: Chad!

Elon Musk: Chad, this is Elon Musk.

Chad: Who?

Elon Musk: Elon Musk. I’m in charge of the whole Mars colonization project.

Chad: Oh, congrats.

Elon Musk: Chad, I want to make sure that you understand you won’t survive this mission.

Chad: Okay.

Elon Musk: To save your fellow colonists, you have to make ultimate sacrifice.

Chad: Ha-ha, sack.

Mitchen: Chad, this is Mitchen with ground command. Make your way to the airlock and begin exit procedures.

Chad: Okay.

[Chad wears the suit and walks towards the exit door. Miley walks to him.]

Miley: Chad. Aren’t you gonna say goodbye?

Chad: Bye!

Miley: Chad, I’ll always cherish what we’ve had together.

Chad: Okay.

Miley: Oh god, I wish we could make love just one last time.

[Chad takes off his space suit]

Chad: Sick.

Miley: But we can’t.

Chad: It’s all good.

Miley: Chad, there’s something that you should know before you go. I’m pregnant.

Chad: Oh, congrats.

Miley: The baby is your’s. You’re gonna be a father chad.

Chad: No, thank you.

[Chad presses the button and the door closes]

[Chad walks outside]

Mitchen: Alright, Chad, I’m going to walk you through the procedure step by step. How do you feel?

Chad: Balls are sweaty.

Mitchen: I’m sorry to hear that. Before we turn the oxygen supply on, we need to vent the carbon dioxide. What’s the pressure reading on the tank?

[The pressure reading is 80085]

Chad: Boobs.

[disturbance]

Mitchen: Ah, you broke up a little there. But this is very important. You’ll need to pull the release lever slowly because of the pressure–

[Chad pulls out the release lever at once. It blasts and this Chad.]

Mitchen: Chad, are you alright?

Chad: All good.

[Chad walks to the circulator and presses the button]

Female voice in the colony: Oxygen levels restored.

Chris: O2 levels are climbing. He did it.

[everyone’s clapping]

Elon Musk: Make the feed public. Everyone needs to see this.

[The video of Chad is broadcasting everywhere.]

Elon Musk: Chad, the world can see you right now. Do you have anything you want to say?

Chad: [farts] Safety.

Elon Musk: Let the camera get a good look at your face, Chad. I want the world to see the man who gave everything to ensure that humanity’s future will be among the stars.

Chad: Okay

[Chad is trying to open is helmet]

Mitchen: No, no, no, don’t take your–

[Chad pulls off his helmet. His head bursts.]

Miley: Oh, damn!

Elon Musk: Well, I did say people are going to die. I was never here.