Tag: Cecily Strong

Santa’s Village

Steven… Mikey Day

Melissa Villaseñor

Elf… Kyle Mooney

Santa…Jason Bateman

Mrs. Clause… Cecily Strong

[Starts with a couple with their daughter in a mall]

Steven: You know, I was nervous about coming indoors with all these strangers, but the mall really is the most magical place at Christmas.

Melissa: It’s only place to see Santa and hot topic.

Steven: And I’m just so impressed with all the safety protocols they haven’t placed, right?

Melissa: Wait, what is that?

[a robot with a tablet on his face comes in. The tablet is displaying a video of a person speaking live with them.]

Elf: It’s me, jingle bells, the virtual contactless elf. Welcome to Santa’s social distancing Santa’s village. Are you ready to meet Santa?

[Daughter nods her head yes]

Melissa: More than ready. Are you sure it’s safe though?

Elf: Safe as it could be. Just stick your hands to my tummy and get some hand sanitizer real quick.

Steven: Ew, why is it in his tummy?

Melissa: Steven, just enjoy the magic of Christmas and stick your hand in the Elf’s tummy and get your hand sanitizer. Okay.

[Steven and Melissa get their hand sanitizer from elf’s tummy.]

Elf: And now the moment you’ve been waiting for. Presenting the king and queen of Christmas. Santa and Mrs. Clause.

[The curtains open. There are Santa and Mrs. Clause inside a plastic ball.]

Santa: Ho, ho, ho. It’s a covid friendly Christmas.

Mrs. Caluse: That’s right. Normally, you’d be sitting on Santa’s lap. And I’d be giving you one of these delicious cupcakes

Santa: But that’s just not safe this year. So, we’re coming to you from inside our magic snow globes.

Mrs. Caluse: That way, we can spread the magic of Christmas without spreading that other thing.

Santa: So, step right up here and give Santa a nice big high-five right through the bubble here.

[Santa falls and rolls inside the ball]

Mrs. Caluse: John! I mean, Santa! Are you okay?

Santa: Off the base, baby!

Mrs. Caluse: Are you okay, John?

Santa: Do I look okay? I’m loose. You’re supposed to secure the base.

Mrs. Caluse: I thought you meant that like, a political thing.

Santa: Why would I think that?

Mrs. Caluse: Politics season. I don’t know, John.

Daughter: Is Santa okay?

Melissa: I’m not sure, sweetie.

Steven: And who’s John?

Mrs. Caluse: Oh, that’s just Mrs. Clause’s nick name for her clumsy husband. You know, why don’t you come here and give me the high-five?

[Mrs. Caluse falls and rolls inside the ball]

Santa: What happened?

Mrs. Caluse: Oh, no! Oh, no!

Santa: Patrice?

Melissa: Patrice… I’m sorry. Does Mrs. Clause need help?

Mrs. Caluse: No, no, no. I was just so excited to eat my cupcakes, I forgot to use my hand, and I smashed them directly in my face.

Santa: Yes, yes. Everything is okay! This is what we wanted to do. Exactly where I wanted my acting career, Patrice.

Mrs. Caluse: John, stop. No, no. Now, little girl, why don’t you come tell Santa what you want for Christmas?

Steven: Yeah. I’m not sending my child up there while you’re loose like that.

Santa: Then I will come to you, sir. Santa has got it now. They’re just steps.

Steven: No, no, no.

[Santa falls and rolls to them.]

Santa: Son of a–

Melissa: Can you call for help, Jingle Bells?

Elf: Well, I’m using my phone to do this elf thing with you. She’ll be fine.

Mrs. Caluse: No, no, no. I don’t know if I am fine. I think that cupcake plugged my hole. I can’t feel my hole.

Santa: Somebody please clear Patricia’s hole. Somebody with little fingers please. You, sir.

Steven: No, I don’t want to clear your wife’s hole. I’m sorry.

Daughter: Is Santa and his wife going to be okay?

Santa: No, no. She’s not my wife.

Mrs. Caluse: Yeah. No, we’re recently separated. I mean, we live together but it’s complicated.

Steven: Hey! Out daughter doesn’t need to hear any of that.

Melissa: And I think you hit your nose or something because you’re bleeding from it.

[Santa’s nose is bloody]

Santa: Oh, dammit. Are you for real? One week after my nose job. Patrice, this is unbelievable. Complete waste of money.

Mrs. Caluse: John, your beautiful face.

Santa: You still think I look beautiful?

Mrs. Caluse: Yeah, I do.

Santa: Bless you.

Melissa: You know what? Maybe we should just go. Our daughter already left.

Steven: She did? Where is she?

Elf: She can be anywhere. It’s a big mall. But you paid for a picture. You still want it?

Melissa: Yeah.

Steven: I mean, with John and Patrice? I guess so.

Elf: Okay, get in front of their balls and say Merry Christmas.
Santa: Wonderful. Wonderful. Please. Get close. Don’t be frightened.

[Mrs. Caluse rolls over Steven.]

Everything is under control. Put your arm around me darling. Don’t push on me. Don’t push on me.

[Santa rolls over Melissa.]

Outdoor Cabaret

Charlie… Bowen Yang

Devin… Jason Bateman

Billy Moon… Cecily Strong

Waiter… Beck Bennett

[Starts with a live music show in a restaurant]

Ladies: [singing] We wish you a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

[Charlie walks to the stage]

Charlie: Wow, wow. What a safe song choice. Thanks so much for joining us this evening at a outdoor cabaret folks. As always, you’ve Devin tickling the ivories. Say hi, Devin.

[Devin is on the piano. He is wearing a PPE and full face plastic protection.]

Devin: Um, they’re less ivory. They’re more plastic, Charlie. My actual piano got stolen last week. Do you remember? You just sat there and you watched?

Charlie: Devin! Well, everyone. It’s me, Charlie Viig. I was a main stay here at the duplex in the great performance. And hey, one of my favorite performance just got back from a trip abroad. Please give a downtown welcome to the legendary, Mr. Billy Moon.

[Billy walks to the stage]

Billy: Isn’t it marvelous? You’ve made the outside look like inside.

Charlie: That’s right. Tell the people where you’ve been the last nine months?

Billy: Well, since March, I’ve been on the only cruise ship with zero infections. So, we just never got off.

Charlie: Oh, my god! So, you were just floating out there?

Billy: Uh-huh.

Charlie: Well, thank god you made it out. Billy, shall we sing to celebrate your joyous return?

Billy: Let’s try.

[music playing]

Charlie: [singing] Oh, yet a trouble

Billy: Happy day

Charlie: Come on get happy

Billy: I hear again, skies

Charlie: Shout hallelujah

Billy: Shout and sing a song

Charlie: Let’s get happy

Billy: Out here again

Charlie: Get ready for

Billy: Happy days are here again

Billy: Charlie! I have to say. I love that there’s a doctor here tonight.

Devin: No, I’m not a doctor. I’m just respecting science. It’s me, Billy.

Billy: Devin? Why are you wearing all that gauze?

Devin: Oh, I’m protecting myself because Charlie is trying to achieve herd immunity in the cabaret world.

Charlie: Well, if the sweets can do it.

Devin: They did not.

Charlie: Oh, and a reminder, folks. If you want drinks, you have to order food too.

[Cut to a waiter. He is also wearing a PPE and full face plastic protection. He has one hotdog in his one hand.]

Waiter: I’ve only got one hotdog left. So everybody, just take a bite and pass it. Okay?

Charlie: Billy, you know what the best way to thank health care workers who are begging us to stay inside is?

Billy: To go outside and sing for a crowd. This one’s for you, doctor! [pointing at Devin]

Devin: Still me, Devin. Okay? And this plastic keyboard is officially melting. Anyway we can back this heat lamp off like, Charlie0 feet?

Billy: What do you say, Charlie?

Charlie: [singing] The sun is shining

Billy: out together

Charlie: now get happy

Billy: shout it now

Charlie: the lord is waiting to take your hand

shout hallelujah

Billy: tell the world

Charlie: and just get happy

Billy: about it now

happy days are here again

Billy: Oh, the good old days. Do you remember when I had my picture up?

Charlie: Yes. It was right up at the front by the cash register that said “bounced check”.

Billy: Ha-ha. Well, you can’t blame a girl for trying.

Charlie: But you know what? We’ll survive. I mean, New York’s gotten through tougher times.

Devin: Yes, I remember the Spiderman musical.

Charlie: Oh! Devin! Well, just look at us. I’d say we’re doing pretty well for ourselves. Right?

Devin: Not really, Charlie. Our outdoor set up got decimated by a cab and a bus last week.

Billy: Oh my! Well, did you at least get insurance money?

Devin: No, no. We owe them. We set it up in a turn lne.

Charlie: Yeah. That’s an oopsie on us!

[singing] We’re heading across the river
so your cares will all be gone

Billy: There’ll be no more from now on

Charlie and Billy: From now on

Charlie: now get happy

Billy: shout it now

Charlie: the lord is waiting to take your hand

shout hallelujah

Billy: tell the world

Charlie: and just get happy

Billy: about it now

happy days are here again

Billy: I just want to say. I think as long as we have each other, we’ll get through this.

Devin: The pandemic or the performance?

Charlie: Oh, Devin!

Devin: Kidding. I love you both. But Hobby does need me home.

Charlie: What could he possibly need?

[singing] Happy time


Billy: Happy night

Charlie and Billy: Happy days are here agan

Michigan Hearings Cold Open

Rep. Matt Hall… Mikey Day

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson… Ego Nwodim

Rudy Guliani… Kate McKinnon

Ms. Ellis… Lauren Holt

Melissa Malone… Cecily Strong

Heidi Gardner

Mike Lindell… Beck Bennett

Fred… Alex Moffat

Nicole Kidman… Chloe Fineman

Kyle Mooney

Pete Davidson

[Starts with C-SPAN schedule]

Male voice: You’re watching C-SPAN which is honestly surprising. Up next: The Michigan state senate hears special testimony regarding allegations of fraud in the Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson0Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson0 presidential election.

[Cut to the representatives in the court]

[cheers and applause]

Rep. Matt Hall: Alright. I hereby call this hearing of the senate oversight committee to order. It is my honor and also one of the great horrors of my life to welcome president Trump’s personal attorney Ruby Giuliani.

Rudy Guliani: Thank you, your honor. It’s great to be in a court room where I’m not the defendant.

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson: This isn’t a courtroom.

Rudy Guliani: Honestly, I’m just happy to be indoors. Now, as my associate Ms. Ellis will prove today, this election was stolen from the American people with a level of trickery not seen since Houdini. [farts] That wasn’t me. That was you guys. But President Trump and I are going to overturn these illegal votes first in Michigan, then in Gerogillvania, and then Pennsichhutes and then North Dekanadan.

Rep. Matt Hall: But isn’t it true that all your lawsuits have been rejected because they’re based on zero actual evidence?

Rudy Guliani: You want evidence? Okay. Well, today I have brought before you a dozen highly intelligent, barely intoxicated individuals who are all eyewitnesses. After hearing their testimony, you’re going to say, “Wow. Rudy was right and he’s getting smarter and more respected everyday.” [farts] [pointing at Ms. Ellis] That was her.

Rep. Matt Hall: Mr. Giuliani– [he can smell the fart] Oh, god! It’s hitting us up here now. You may call your first witness.

Rudy Guliani: Alright. I would like to present someone who worked directly with dominion voting systems, Miss Melissa Malone.

[Melissa Malone walks in]

Melissa Malone: Thank you. I swear to tell my whole story and nothing about my stories. So, help me god.

Rep. Matt Hall: Please tell us what exactly you witnessed with the dominion machines.

Melissa Malone: Excuse me. Maybe try losing that attitude first just like you lost all those Trump ballots.

Rep. Matt Hall: I don’t handle ballots.

Melissa Malone: Yes, exactly. So, you wouldn’t know, would you?

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson: Please just talk.

Melissa Malone: You’re going to regret saying that because I personally saw hundreds, if not, thousands of dead people vote.

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson: You saw them?

Melissa Malone: Yes. Basically yes. I remember because I was walking on and they were walking in. Then they gave their votes to democrats. Then you probably did something crazy with them, didn’t you?

Rep. Matt Hall: I don’t handle ballots and I am a republican.

Melissa Malone: Then you’re literally useless. You have no use. Did you check every poll? Did you talk to all the dead people?

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson: We’re state senators.

Melissa Malone: Excuse me. I have been threatened. My kids have been threatened. My kids have threatened me and I’ve threatened them right back.

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson: I’m sorry, but this testimony is full of lies.

Melissa Malone: I’m not lying. I signed it after David.

Rep. Matt Hall: In after David?

Melissa Malone: Yes. That’s correct. David signed and then I signed right after David.

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson: Okay, Ms. Malone.

Melissa Malone: Hah? You’re just lucky I need another drink.

[Melissa Malone leaves]

Rep. Matt Hall: Mr. Giuliani. You may call your next witness.

Rudy Guliani: Oh, yes. My next witness needs no introduction or at least I hope she doesn’t because I lost the paper with all her information on it. Honey, you want to come in here?Come on.

[Heidi walks in. She looks drunk.]

Heidi: Good evening, your honor.

Rep. Matt Hall: I’m not a judge and it’s 11 AM. Why exactly are you here today?

Heidi: Well, your honor, I’m not proud of this but I need to come forward anyhow. You see, I ate ballots.

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson: I’m sorry. You ate ballots?

Heidi: That’s right. I didn’t mean to. But the democrats pulled up a food truck and said it’s lunchtime. They opened the truck and it was full. Full of ballot sandwiches, ballot pizzas, ballot steaks and ballot spaghettis.

Rep. Matt Hall: What is a ballot spaghetti?

Heidi: It’s a ballot, then I talk like this.

Rep. Matt Hall: Alright. Thank you. Can we have the next witness please?

[There’s Mike Lindell holding a pillow]

Mike Lindell: I will provide witness. Hi, I’m Mike Lindell, inventor of My Pillow. Do you know a demo rat can hide over a million fake ballots a My Pillow and still get a great night sleep, refreshed and ready to steal election? Thanks to My Pillow.

Rep. Matt Hall: Mr. Lindell, is this a commercial for My Pillow?

Mike Lindell: I would like it to be. Yes.

Rep. Matt Hall: Okay. Let’s keep this moving please.

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson: Are we just gonna let any random person come in here start talking?

[Melissa Malone walks in]

Melissa Malone: Excuse me. We are all here under oath. If you want to talk about random, I voted for Trump, yet Biden won? Hmm. Maybe a little too random. You aren’t even going to admit that dominion cheated.

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson: How exactly did dominion cheat?

Melissa Malone: Well, for starters, they cheated me out of my cheesy bread.

Rep. Matt Hall: I think you’re confusing dominion with Domino’s.

Melissa Malone: Either way, my vote took longer than Rudy Guliani0 minutes, so it’s supposed to be free.

Rudy Guliani: [whispering to Melissa Malone] Maybe you want to pull it back a little. I’m worried you’re making us look foolish. [farts] Safety.

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson: Mr. Giuliani, your next witness?

Rudy Guliani: Okay. My next witness is extraordinary and I mean that in a mean way. Fred, go nuts. Come on.

[Fred walks in]

Fred: Thanks. Thank you. [Fred looks very angry] What had happened was I was sitting in my backyard when all of a sudden a silver ship hovered above me and a warm light beamed aboard the space craft.

Rep. Matt Hall: I’m sorry, this is an alien abduction story?

Fred: Please sir, let me finish. Yes, it was aliens, but the shocking part was this. I saw them clearly filling out absentee ballots all of them for Biden!

Rep. Matt Hall: And when exactly did this happen?

Fred: About seven years ago.

Rep. Matt Hall: Alright. Mr. Giuliani, do you have any witnesses that have testimony based in reality?

Rudy Guliani: Yes, I do. The defense calls Nicole Kidman’s character from the Undoing.

[Nicole Kidman walks in]

Nicole Kidman: Your honor, my husband Hugh Grant is innocent. There’s no way he could have been that murderer. He’s too hot and white.

Rep. Matt Hall: I’m sorry. Where is your accent supposed to be from?

Nicole Kidman: It’s from the Upper East side of Australia. Crikey, it’s Zabar’s!

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson: I’m sorry but do we have to keep listening to these people?

Melissa Malone: Yes, exactly. [now she has a glass of martini in her hand] Because we need to listen to our heart’s and our mimes. Even though it’s fraudulent erection, it can still get you pregnant.

Rudy Guliani: Hey, this chick is really on to something.

Rep. Matt Hall: Could everyone please stop drinking during the hearing?

[now Rudy Guliani also has a glass of whiskey in his hand]

Rudy Guliani: I would love to but if I don’t drink a scotch every 15 minutes, I explode.

Melissa Malone: And this is not drinking. It’s actually the covid vaccine. I’m taking it first because I’m at risk. I got two big old comorbidity titties.

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson: Okay. We’re gonna call this hearing to a close.

[Kyle and Pete walk in]

Kyle: No. This will not stand. We will do the whole thing over again.

Pete: That’s right. If we get one more shot, we can get it right this time.

Rep. Matt Hall: You think we should just re-do the entire election?

Kyle: Oh… No. We’re talking about kidnapping the governor!

Pete: Yeah. If we have one more shot, we can get her to my basement for sure.

Rep. Matt Hall: And out of curiosity, then what?

Kyle: We… yell at her.

Pete: Yeah! Let them all get back to work!

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson: And what are your current jobs?

Kyle: I repair things that I’ve broken.

Pete: And I’m curious about fossils.

Rep. Matt Hall: You are both dismissed. Mr. Giuliani, I have to ask, is any of this really appropriate?

[Rudy Guliani has his hands inside his pants.]

Rudy Guliani: Sorry, what? Oh, I blacked out for a second.

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson: Jesus, man. Just wrap it up.

Rudy Guliani: In conclusionI would say the defense rests but we will never rest. Not until this election is overturned or I get a full part and $10 million in cash. If you like what you saw here today, we’re having a press conference right after this at the Ritz-Carlton…. plumbing and heating supply company right off 594 between a dirty movie theater and crematorium. Pets are not only allowed, they’re required.

Rep. Matt Hall: Thank you, Mr. Giuliani.

Rudy Guliani: No. Thank you.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Weekend Update Home Edition- Jeanine Pirro on Coronavirus Lockdown Protests

Colin Jost

Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Colin Jost in his home.]

Colin Jost: Protests against the lockdowns have continued in states like Michigan  and California. Here to comment from her home is FOX News personality, Jeanine Pirro.

Jeanine Pirro: Good evening Colin. I hope you’ll forgive me. I had to do my own make up while looking into a spoon. [Her makeup and hair is horrible.]

Colin Jost: Yeh. Jeanine, are you okay?

Jeanine Pirro: I’m perfectly fine. Although, I admit that it’s been tough for all of us. For what seems like forever, I’ve been sitting at home drinking and complain to whoever would listen.Then this whole coronavirus thing happened.

Colin Jost: What do you think is going on with this virus?

Jeanine Pirro: There are so many theories. Some say the sun kills it. Some say it can be cured with the miracle drug, hydroxyclhoroquine. Right now, there’s a group of patriots in Michigan who believe you can kill virus by shooting it with an AR-Colin Jost5. It’s smart and I support it.

Colin Jost: Jeanine, I have to ask, have you been drinking?

Jeanine Pirro: Not much. I’m just haveing a little of this boxed wine. [She’s drinking wing out of the box with straw.]

Colin Jost: Well, I guess clearly you think it’s time to reopen the country?

Jeanine Pirro: Of course, it is.

Colin Jost: Oh, my god, did you change? [She has changed her clothes to a yellow dress already.]

Jeanine Pirro: And this magnificent president is the one to lead the charge. Oh, have you seen him up there during these press conferences? Oh, mama. I just want to hide inside a 12 piece bucket of chicken and let him eat me alive.

[Some glitches appear on Jeanine Pirro’s side.]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Are you having trouble with the Zoom?

Jeanine Pirro: You’re young. Tell me, is your computer supposed to say, “Please stop screaming?”

Colin Jost: I don’t think so. No. So, I’m sorry, you’re hoping we can just open up and take our chances? [Jeanine Pirro’s side blacks out.] We lost you again.

Jeanine Pirro: That’s the plan, Kemosabe! [When she appears back, she has combat bandanna on her forehead and has put on black marks on her face. Looks like she’s in the jungle.]

Colin Jost: Oh, my god. Where are you?

Jeanine Pirro: Never mind, Anglie. This economy is a buttet train and it doesn’t stop for the weak. So, buy a ticket or get the hell out of th way. Toot-toot! [she’s drinking drink out of a coconut shell.]

Colin Jost: Oh, my god. Jeanine, what are you drinking now?

Jeanine Pirro: Oh, this? It’s called Pina Cloraxa. It’s pineapple juice, coconut milk and a half cup of bleach. And not the bottof shelf kind that they use on truck stop toilets. The good stuff. [takes a sip] Ooh, that’s cleansing. I can feel it in my chest.

Colin Jost: Jeanine, I hope you know that drinking bleach could kill you.

Jeanine Pirro: What?

[Jeanine Pirro throws the coconut shell away. Somehow the coconut shell hits Colin Jost’s head and the drink pours on his hair.]

Colin Jost: How did you do that?

Jeanine Pirro: I live in the upside-down, Ansley.

Colin Jost: Dammit! Jeanine Pirro, everyone. Oh my god! For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: Dammit!

Zoom Church

Pastor… Pastor Thompson

Sister Johnson… Sister Johnson Nwodim

Melissa Thayer… Melissa Thayer Strong

Latrell J. … Latrell J. Redd

[Starts with Mount Methuselah Tower of Prayer Baptist Church video bumper.]

[Cut to Pastor in his home.]

Pastor: Alright, praise the lord and welcome back to the Mount Methuselah Tower of Prayer Baptist Church Mother’s Day service. I see a large congregation logged into the Zoom machine. Much more than last service. Amen.

All: Amen.

Pastor: Okay. I just want to send a friendly reminder to everybody to mute yourselves during the service, alright? Because the way that the Zoom machine  works is that every mic is as loud as mine. So, when y’all respond, I can’t really hear myself preach, amen.

All: Amen.

Pastor: I can hear y’all agreeing which mean that you’re not taking the note because it’s still very, very loud. Alright? So, how about nobody say amen after I say amen, amen.

All: Amen.

Pastor: Yes, I can see this might be a longer than usual four hours service. When the bible speaks about motherhood–

[The kids are making noise]

Sister Johnson: Sit your little asses down and be quiet. We in church.

Pastor: I see sister Johnson’s mic is definitely still on. Sister Johnson? Sister Johnson, we can all hear you through the machine.

Sister Johnson: [to the kids] Y’all see that? The pastor can hear y’all. You’re ruining church.

Pastor: No. I hear you, sister Johnson. Everybody else is on mute. Amen.

All: Amen.

Pastor: Why are y’all still not in mute? And who’s got the TV on?

Melissa Thayer: Oh, that’s just my James. He’s watching dang sports center. Is it too loud?

Pastor: Yes.

Melissa Thayer: Hold on. James, can you turn it down? Is that better? Can you hear it?

Pastor: Nothing has changed. Look, just everybody, mute yourselves. Amen?

All: Amen.

Pastor: Why ain’t you doing it?

Latrell J.: Pastor’s having a hard time hearing y’all. So, we’re going to go straight to Amazing Grace.

Pastor: Latrell, boy I can hear you whisper it. Why aren’t you on mute?

Latrell J.: Coz I still have to direct a choir, pastor.

Pastor: Well, then just text  them. Alright, I’m hearing myself echo which means some of y’all got your machines way up too loud. And it’s bleeding into my end. Amen?

All: Praise god. Amen.

Pastor: Stop answering me. Okay? The lord wants everybody to click on that little microphone with the red line through it and when it says ‘Mute?’, press yes, amen?

All: Amen. Praise the lord.

[They all mute themselves.]

Pastor: Yes.  You did it. Oh, thank you. Now, can I get through this service in peace, amen? Sister Johnson? Nobody? Alright. Well, choir, I guess we should just go to Amazing Grace. Can anybody hear? [Latrell J. is doing managing the choir] I can’t hear a damn thing. Man, this sucks.

Hair Vlog

PJ Charnt… Kristen Wiig

Nell… Aidy Bryant

Patty… Cecily Strong

Christy… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with PJ Charnt taking a video of herself showing her hair.]

PJ Charnt: Hey, it’s me, PJ Charnt. This is my hair vlog where I answe questions and give hair advice, and just inspire you with the beautiful hair I have. Look at it. [phone ringing] Oh, we have our first video caller, all the way from Tucson. And her name is Nell. ‘Sup, Nell.

Nell: I’m sorry. I’m just so excited to meet you. I watch your vlog all the time on the toilet.

PJ Charnt: Aww.

Nell: I don’t know if you can tell, my hair is very flat and it’s kind of very greasy andI just don’t know that I’m doing wrong.

PJ Charnt: Well, why don’t you tell me your daily regimen?

Nell: I wash my hair every day. I use very little conditioner.

PJ Charnt: Well that’s good.

Nell: And I blow dry my hair with a round brush.

PJ Charnt: Good.

Nell: And then I style it with margarine.

PJ Charnt: Wait, what size round brush are you using?

Nell: I knew it. My round brush needs a bigger circumference.

PJ Charnt: Yes, you got it. Anyway, try it out and check in with me next week, okay?

Nell: I will. I wish I could have hair like your’s.

PJ Charnt: You won’t. Bye, Nell. Oh my gosh. I’m getting a text from my hilarious best friend, Patty. She sends the funniest hair gifts. You guys, let’s all watch it together. Warning, if you’ve just had stomach surgery in the last week and you still have stitches, you may not be able to watch how funny this is.

[Cut to a meme]

Patty: Did you think it was funny?

PJ Charnt: Patty!

Patty: Okay, show me exactly what you did when you got it.

PJ Charnt: I went like this. [giggling and showing off her hair.]

Patty: I got to go. Bye.

PJ Charnt: Oh, okay. [phone ringing] We’ve got another video call coming in, this one is from Tucson. It says here their name is Christy, although I’m told it’s a man.

Christy: Hi, I’m Christy. So, PJ, I’m a house painter. And i have the biggest Zoom interview of my life this afternoon. It’s to paint the exterior of Caesar’s palace. And I want to look my best, bu tI can’t get my normal blow-out.

PJ Charnt: You’re in a pickle.

Christy: I’m in a jar of pickles. Help me, PJ Charnt.

PJ Charnt: Christy, do you have a car with a sunroof, a can of quick hold hair spray, a large-toothed comb and long legs?

Christy: PJ, you’re genius. I know exactly what to do. I’ll see you later. [showing his blow dtyer and car keys.]

PJ Charnt: Bye. [message notification] Oh! Patty sent me another text. Guys, it’s going to be another hair-larious hair gif. Again, if you’ve had surgery in the last week and you have stitches, I don’t think you should watch this.

[Cut to a meme.]

Patty: What do you think? He’s blow drying her hair, but her hair is spaghetti. [giggling]

[PJ Charnt isn’t laughing. She looks angry.]

PJ Charnt: I know what it is and I don’t think it’s funny. Pasta as hair isn’t funny. Only hair should always only be hair.

Patty: I’m sorry.

Just think that, Patty, I don’t want to talk to you for like, a really long time.

Patty: But–

PJ Charnt: Anyway, that’s our show. Tune in next week where guess what we’re gonna talk about? And if you want to have hair like mine, you never will. But I’m sure you have other stuff going on.

Dreams

Cecily Strong

[Starts with Cecily in her bed speaking on the phone]

Cecily: No, mom, I know. I’m glad everyone’s home safe. I just miss things the way they used to be, you know. It’s like the city’s right outside my window but– I know. I know. Okay. I love you too. Bye.

[Cecily hangs up the phone and sleeps]

[Cut to people dreaming of themselves in a busy streets of the city. They’re all enjoying normal life. They’re eating, looking at the crowd, feeding the dogs in the park, etc.]

[Cecily wakes up. There’s a slice of pizza beside her on her bed. Her dog is looking at the pizza.]

Oh, no, you don’t want this. This is a dream pizza. [Dog drools on pizza] Okay.

The Reveal

Detective Sims…Beck Bennett

Bowen Yang

Cecily Strong

Chris Redd

Debbie… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with “The Reveal” intro]

Male voice: In these times, criminal justice is being carried out over Zoom.

[Cut to Zoom video call. There are four participants.]

Detective Sims: Hi, everyone. Detective Sims again. Look, this is not how we normally conduct a murder investigation, but like everyone else, we have to adjust to the new normal.

Bowen: Yes, of course.

Cecily: Happy to help.

Detective Sims: Cool. As you know, you’re all suspects because you attended Dirk Walker Simpson’s pool party on February 15th where he was strangled with somebody’s bikini bottoms. Ha-ha-ha. I’m sorry. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. What a way to go. Anyway, we have a breakthrough on the case and I’ll inform you of that once Debbie Johnson, the final suspect logs in.

Bowen: Yeah. I just want to say. I was nowhere near Dirk when he died. I was in the bathroom desperately shaving my bikini line.

Detective Sims: Alright. We’ll hold off on alibis until Debbie gets here.

[Cecily is humming a song]

Chris: Oh, that’s nice.

Cecily: Hmm? Oh, I’m sorry. I’ll be quiet.

Chris: No, it’s nice. What is it?

Cecily: Oh, I’m just– I’m humming a little song I wrote. I’m just trying that not to forget the melody.

Bowen: It’s got something.

Detective Sims: You wanna sing it for us?

Cecily: What?

Detective Sims: You might as well. I mean, we’re waiting for Debbie.

Cecily: Wow! Okay. First performance of my new song, no pressure.

[singing] You are the song, I am the moon
we’re always so busy with our jobs in the sky
I wish that we could hug and let love fly
fly, fly

[everyone’s clapping]

Chris: I’m sorry. I did not know Lana Del Rey was a suspect in Dirk Walker Simpson’s murder. To think, that was fire, okay?

Detective Sims: I write songs too. That’s why I was curious to hear it.

Cecily: You do?

Bowen: Yeah. I knew there was something creative about you, detective.

Chris: What genre do you do, man?

Detective Sims: More like, masculine rock. Like, how it used to be.

Bowen: Umm, like Pick-up tTucks and Barbecues?

Detective Sims: Yeah. Ladies On Car Hoods, that sort of thing.

Cecily: Sorry. I’m just wondering if there’s an update on Debbie?

Detective Sims: I emailed her the warrant. She clicked “attending.”

Cecily: Sorry. I was just thinking about our friend that got murdered. It’s okay. Let’s hear the song.

Detective Sims: Might as well sing it, right? I mean, Debbie’s not here.

Bowen: Yeah. Come on. Give it to us.

Detective Sims: [singing] Rare steak, I’m red and raw
and I’m feeling you up like a rare steak
now let me sizzle on your griddle like a rare steak

ra-ra-ra-ra-ra-ra-ra-rare steak

[Debbie has already joined]

Debbie: Sorry, I thought for a second detective Sims was singing.

Detective Sims: I was singing an original called ‘Rare Steak,’ but now that you’re here, let’s get back to the murder investigation. Debbie Johnson, we have security footage proving that you murdered Mr. Walker Simpson.

Debbie: Was the footage any good?

Detective Sims: Not for you. No.

Debbie: Okay. Got you. I’m sorry. Look, Dirk wasn’t exactly one of my favs. I had two wine spritzers and I murdered him. Ha-ha. I’m sorry.

Detective Sims: Oh.

Debbie: Okay, bye-bye.

Detective Sims: I guess she left. Well, we should probably go arrest her. Does anyone wanna her more of ‘Rare Steak’ before we leave?

Cecily: Thank you everybody. Bye.

Chris: Bye. See you later. How do we get out of here?

Bowen: Stop video.

Detective Sims: Well, I’ll just start singing.

[singing] Rare steak, it’s red in the middle
I’m just a little brow on the outside

[Debbie walks back in dancing to the song.]

It’s dripping red and it’s in my mouth
It’s going to down my throat and it’s making me rock

SoulCycle at Home

Phoenix… Cecily Strong

Lee… Bowen Yang

Korona… Ego Nwodim

Toyota… Chris Redd

Robert… Beck Bennett

Heidi Gardner

[Starts with “Soulcycle Virtual Workouts” intro]

[Cut to Phoenix in her home]

Phoenix: Welcome. Welcome. My name is Phoenix, as in the University of… Soulcycle’s closed right now. So, we put together this live stream with the trainer fan. We may not have bikes, but that won’t stop us from charging you to watch us working out. Let’s go!

[Cut to Lee in his home]

Lee: Wad up, wad up, Soulcycle computer? They call me Lee, short for Harvey Oswald. It’s crazy to think that people could be watching this anywhere to Los Angeles to California. I’ve been hearing a lot about squatters, right? So, let’s get ’em. [starts squatting] Always try to keep a positive attitude. I moved to New York two days before quarantine. Shoutout to my roommate who catfished me. He ain’t no leggy blonde, but it’s his personality I fell in love with. Let’s go!

[Cut to Korona in her home]

Korona: My name is Korona with the K. I’m always overcoming adversity. When I was little, they told me I was pretty enough to act like not model. So, I joined tiktok where I do neither. Let’s go!

[Cut to Toyota in his home]

Toyota: I am Toyota. And I hear a lot of people talking about antibodies. Ah! Pro body. Quarantine, day two, let’s go!

[Cut to Robert in his home]

Robert: I am Robert, like, Julia Robert. And I’m good vibes only. Who do I stay home for? Me! Because I’m quarantined and on house arrest. Two birds, let’s go!

[Cut to Heidi in her home]

Heidi: What’s up? I’m Molly. Sorry, I’m on Molly. I’m not gonna get COVID-19 coz I’m 22. Liberate Michigan, let’s go!

[Heidi is working out]

Wow! It’s burning now.

[Cut to Lee]

Lee: This pandemic has affected everyone. Coachella, cancelled. South by south west, cancelled. Bill Cosby, cancelled. How dare? We need doctors right now. Let’s push!

[Cut to Toyota]

Toyota: Commit to what you start! [sits on his couch] I ain’t finishing ‘ozark.’ Let’s go!

[Cut to Lee]

Lee: I’m on a juice cleanse right now. Corox juice. Eat clean!

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: This one’s called the bow and arrow. [stretching the resistant band] It’s gonna go way back! [the resistant band hits her cheek] Oh! Oww!

[Cut to Korona]

Korona: My mantra, eat, pray, pray. That’s right. I’m not and religious. It’s a trap. Let’s go!

[Cut to Lee]

Lee: Just because we’re in quarantine doesn’t mean we can’t connect, meet up, go to the beach, hug, touch, kiss an old guy on the mouth at the mall. Let’s go!

[Cut to Phoenix]

Phoenix: I just got word that our positive attitude and good bodies cured coronavirus. [wears her glasses] Oh, wait. Oh, no. Sorry. Rooter’s Steakhouse is delivering. Ah!

Released Early

Terrence… Chris Redd

Sheila… Ego Nwodim

KK… Aidy Bryant

Stacy… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Chris looking at his selfie camera]

Terrence: Okay, looking good. Smelling good. Tell you what? [starts to workout on the couch] They should have never let your boy out in the streets though. I know that much. Coz I’m bout to hit these freaks up. See what’s popping out here. Ready, ready. So, they better be ready.

[Facetiming Sheila]

She gonna pick up. She gonna pick up. I’m gonna pick up.

[Sheila answers facetime]

What’s good, Sheila? Sheila, your boy finally free, baby.

Sheila: Terrence, is that you?

Terrence: Yeah, baby. In the flesh. You know no jail can hold me, girl. Come on, now.

Sheila: I thought you was doing 600 years.

Terrence: I was, baby. I was gonna do it. But damn, then ‘rona down here. Yo, they let me out, you. And I’m out here. I’m free. You know. Now, I get to come over there and we could 69 like we talked about, you know?

Sheila: Oh, you nasty. But I’m not going out right now. You know, after the government shutdown outside because they 5G stuff messed up and made a pandemic. So, I’ma lay low till July.

Terrence: July? Girl, you better stop playing with me. [Sheila hangs up] Hello? Hello? Dammit! She must have some bad wifi or something.

[Facetiming KK]

Um-hmm.

[KK answers]

KK: Hello?

Terrence: Hey, sweet thing.

KK: T-ready, is that you?

Terrence: Yeah, I’m free. I’m back in these streets and I’m ready to do that thing that we handled ourselves next to each other.

KK: Look, I cannot do this right now. My kids are in the other room.

Terrence: Kids? What? I’m home, girl.

KK: T, what we had when you were in jail, it stays in jail.

Terrence: Aw, but KK.

KK: No buts, okay? I only started writing you letters because I thought you were gonna rot in there for pirating that “Sopranos” DVD box set.

Terrence: Who knew they meant two to 10 per DVD, though?

KK: [to kids] Hey, coming. [to Terrence] Hey, shut up. Everything that we talked about while you were locked up, it’s a lie, okay? I’ve never had my cheeks absolutely clapped. I am not a trap queen. Okay? My name is Anne and I’m a mother and I go to church group. I don’t need this added stress right now. So, you can go ahead and lose this number. [hangs up]

Terrence: Damn. Nobody loyal, man!

[Facetiming Stacy]

[Stacy picks up. She looks sick.]

Stacy: Hello?

Terrence: Stacy. Stacy. You so tasty. It’s me, Terr.

Stacy: Terr? [sneezes] I never thought I’d see your face again.

Terrence: You seeing it right now, girl. You know, I’m ready to do that thing.

[Stacy sneezes hard.]

Stacy: Terr, you looking good.

Terrence: Hey, you aite? You sick or something?

Stacy: Boy, can you just stop? It’s just allergy. Pollen is everywhere. Why don’t you, um, come over and get you some?

Terrence: Uh-uh. Uh-huh. I think I need to take this social distancing thing little bit serious, you know what I’m saying? If you still wanna get freaky, you know, maybe you can tie your phone up and spit on it while I pop off my thing over here though.

Stacy: Why are you so scary? Alright, I got to get it in some kind of way. [sneezing heavy] [Terrence hangs up]