Tag: Chloe Fineman

No More Masks Cold Open

Dr. Anthony Fauci… Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

Beck Bennett

Bowen Yang

Ego Nwodim

Alex Moffat

Cecily Strong

Lauren Holt

Punkine Johnson

Andrew Dismukes

Chloe Fineman

Melissa Villaseñor

Pete Davidson

Chris Redd

Male voice: And now, a message from Dr. Anthony Fauci.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci at a podium of press conference]

[cheers and applause]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: It’s your boy Fauci, the patron saint of Purell. As you’ve probably heard, we’ve got some very good news this week and I’m not just talking about J-Lo and Ben Affleck. The CDC announced that people who are vaccinated no longer need to wear a mask. Outdoors or indoors. Pretty great, right? But a lot of people have questions. Such as – What does that mean? What the hell are you talking about? Is this a trap? So, to clear things up, I found a few doctors at the CDC who minored in theater and I asked them to re-enact various scenarios to demonstrate correct mask behavior. And remember, they only have 24 hours to put this little show together. So, please welcome the CDC players and their first scene, man walks into a bar.

[Aidy and Beck are standing. Aidy is not wearing a mask while Beck is wearing a mask.]

Aidy: Welcome to a bar.

Beck: Thank you. Do I still have to wear a mask indoors?

Aidy: You actually do not.

Beck: Great! [opens his mask]

Aidy: Well, as long as you’re vaccinated.

Beck: No, I’m not.

Aidy: Oh, then that’s bad.

Beck: Well, I’m entering a bar at Dr. Anthony FauciDr. Anthony FauciAM. Did you really think I was Vaxed? Because that’s on you.

Aidy: You’re right. I deserve covid.

Beck: And scene.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Okay. I don’t know if that’s the right takeaway. The real point is we have to trust each other. So, please be honest and respectful. Let’s see how that plays out. And on our next scene, the friendly skies.

[Cut to Bowen and Ego. Bowen is wearing a mask and Ego is not wearing a mask.]

Bowen: Stewardess, may I have another scotch on the rocks? I’m a businessman and I need it to relax from business.

Ego: You can have a scotch, but when you’re not drinking it, you need to keep your mask on.

Bowen: Good to know. By the way, I’ve been stuck inside for over a year. Want to bang?

Ego: You know I do, king.

Bowen: Then hop on. Let’s go for a real ride.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Stop this. Thank you. The lesson should have been you need masks on planes, not everybody horny now. A lot of folks are also wondering about larger groups or gathering. So, let’s see an example of that.

[Cut to Alex and Cecily. Both of them are not wearing a mask.]

Alex: I’m concerned. This is a pretty large gathering. Should we be wearing masks?

Cecily: We don’t have to because we’re outside … the Capitol building. [pulls out a gun] Now, let’s get them.

Alex: [wears MAGA hat on] Right behind you.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Okay. That was very specific example but accurate in terms of masks. Now, what about retail businesses? How do you protect front line workers who may or may not be vaccinated. Let’s take a look.

[Cut to Lauren and Punkie. Both of them are not wearing a mask.]

Punkie: Hi there, can I come into your store?

Lauren: Yes. But I’m still asking customers to wear masks respectfully.

Punkie: But I don’t need a mask. I’m gay.

Lauren: And I’m an ally. Come on in. The first hotdog is on me.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: No. That’s not how that works. Being an ally is great but it’s got nothing to do with mask safety. Also, she run a hotdog store? That left me with more questions than answer. Okay, next, we have two young folks who started dating during the pandemic.

[Cut to Andrew and Chloe. They are both wearing masks]

Andrew: This is exciting. We’re dining outside, so we can definitely take our masks off.

[both of them pull their masks off]

Chloe: Oh, no. I don’t like the bottom of your face. It looks like you grew moles under your mask.

Andrew: So, mask back on?

Chloe: No. It’s too late. I already saw it. Now, it’s all I can think about.

Andrew: Then what if you put your mask over your eyes?

Chloe: [covers her face with the mask] Ah! That’s nice. You look like a blue man.

[Kyle walks in]

Kyle: And freeze! [Andrew and Chloe stops moving] We cut to an actual blue man’s apartment. His roommate’s like, “Ah, can you stop it with drumming? I’m trying to get some sleep.”

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: I think that’s the doctor that takes improv classes because that’s what everyone wants the doctor to do. Improvise. Alright, next we have a delicate situation riding New York city transit.

[Cut to Melissa and Pete. Melissa is wearing a mask and Pete is not wearing a mask.]

Pete: Wow, I’m so excited to be back on the subway.

Melissa: Me too. But you should know, masks are so required on buses, ferries and subways.

Pete: Oh, cool. But my question is where should I masturbate? Because buses, ferries and subways all sound like great options.

Melissa: You shouldn’t do that anywhere, sir.

Pete: Don’t worry. I’ll put a mask on it first.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci.]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: He missed a golden opportunity to say, “Thanks for the tip.” Another big question mark is schools. Maybe this will help.

[Cut to Cecily and Chris]

Chris: Hi. I’m here to pick up a student. Do I need to put on a mask?

Cecily: No. Fully vaccinated parents do not need a mask.

Chris: But do I need to be a parent?

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: No. No. Stop. We’re going to stop that one already. Thank you. And this next one, I’m told is more of a riddle.

[Cut to Kyle, Kenan, Heidi and Mikey]

Kenan: Hi. We’re four friends from three different households.

Mikey: We’re all half vaxed and traveling by train from Florida to the UK.

Kyle: One of us is old and severely at risk.

Heidi: And one of us is a baby.

Kenan: So, how many of us should wear masks and in which order?

Kenan: And go!

[four of them start shuffling their places]

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: No idea what’s that supposed to demonstrate. And now, it’s time for the big finale entitled ‘Society is good again, a vision for the future’.

[Cut to Beck, Aidy, Ego and Bowen dancing]

Beck: Wow, everything is fine now.

Aidy: eVerybody got the vaccine. So, we never need masks again.

Bowen: I’m using my old mask as a parachute for my hamster.

Ego: I’m using two of mine as a bikini

Beck: I’m using one of mine as a bikini.

Aidy: I guess when we come together as a society, we can solve anything.

All: Whoo!

Beck: Now, let’s talk about Israel.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Okay. That seems like a good place to end. So, in summary, please, everyone get your vaccine and enjoy life with no masks. Except this audience, you got to keep them on.

[other casts join\

All: An life from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Wario

Plaintiff attorney…Heidi Gardner

Luigi… Kyle Mooney

Judge… Cecily Strong

Defense attorney… Mikey Day

Wario… Elon Musk

Waluigi… Kate McKinnon

Princess Peach… Chloe Fineman

Andrew Cuomo… Pete Davidson

Mario… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a case running in the court room]

Plaintiff attorney: And I know this is difficult, but were you present at the time of your brother’s murder?

Luigi: I was.

Plaintiff attorney: And how exactly was he a-killed? Sorry. Killed.

Luigi: We had a friendly race in the gocart. Then someone threw a bananapeel at Mario. His car spin out. He wiped all over the pavement. I hear noise like — [the sound of Mario dying in game plays] And I knew my brother was dead.

Plaintiff attorney: And is the person who threw banana peel present in the courtroom at this moment.

Luigi: [pointing] He!

Judge: Alright. Let the record show that the witness has indicated Wario, the evil Mario.

Defense attorney: Objection.

Judge: I’m sorry. The other Mario.

Plaintiff attorney: The prosecution rests, your honor.

Luigi: He a monster.

Wario: I’m afraid.

Defense attorney: Don’t worry. This is why they pay me the big bucks.

Judge: Would the defense like to call it’s first witness?

Defense attorney: We would, your honor. The defense calls Wario. Wario, is it true as many have put forward today that you are evil?

Wario: No. I am not evil. I’m just misunderstood. Some of the anti-Italian hate rate in this courtroom is disgusting.

Plaintiff attorney: Objection. His accent is really bringing it on himself.

Judge: Sustained. Watch it, Wario.

Defense attorney: You know, funny you should mention his accent. Your honor, I’d like to submit as evidence Wario’s Super Mario wiki fan page and this is all real.

Wario: People are so mean online.

Defense attorney: First, the section entitled ‘personality’ and see if this doesn’t sound defamatory to my client’s character. “Wario is generally lazy, ruthless and greedy. He is foul and smelly, as he eats a lot of garlic, his favorite food.” Wow! Racist much?

Plaintiff attorney: Objection! He is eating garlic right now.

Defense attorney: Let’s just keep reading. Shall we? Here’s a section titled ‘friends’. “Wario has almost never been seen with friends. The only person who hangs out with him is Waluigi, the evil Luigi.”

Waluigi: And I don’t appreciate that description. I Waluigi. It’s like a weird Luigi. Not an evil Luigi. Not at all.

Plaintiff attorney: Objection, how is any of this relevant?

Defense attorney: It goes toward how my client is unfairly painted as a villain. Listen to his theme song.

[Wario’s theme songs plays. He starts dancing.]

Judge: Alright. I’ll have order in this court.

[Judge hits the table with a gavel. The sound of the gavel is that of when Mario hits coin brick.]

Defense attorney: Wario, you know Mario better than anyone.

Wario: He’s just like me, only different colors. And I’m a little fatter.

Defense attorney: Did Mario have a dark side?

Wario: Yes. He started eating mushrooms. At first it was micro-dosing. And then it became macro-dosing. And sometimes he was flashing like he was invincible. That’s when he was on cocaine.

Plaintiff attorney: Objection.

Judge: Overruled. This is fun.

Defense attorney: And was there anything off between him and Luigi?

Wario: Yes. I hate for it to come out like this but Luigi was sleeping with Princess Peach, Mario’s wife.

[Luigi and Princess Peach get angry]

Luigi: You lie. We never sleep together.

Princess Peach: I never touch him under the overall.

Defense attorney: Hah! If what you say is true, how do you explain these text messages. “Hey Luigi, my faucet’s dripping. I need a plumber who can really lay some pipe.” From Luigi, three:seventeen AM, “U up? I am…” And then he sent this video.

[The video shows Luigi’s penis getting an erection. The sound of Mario’s growing plays.]

Defense attorney: And I don’t think I need to tell you what the growing noise means.

Luigi: You are son of a bitch. Your ruin my life!

[Luigi pulls out a turtle]

Princess Peach: Luigi, no!

Judge: He’s got a red turtle shell.

[Andrew Cuomo walks in]

Andrew Cuomo: Hello. I’m governor Andrew Cuomo.

Wario: And I’m Wario.

Andrew Cuomo: And we are two misunderstood Italian Americans.

Wario: I’m actually Japanese, but okay.

Andrew Cuomo: Sure. Please don’t believe the horrible stereotypes. You see, in Mario world, some of the bad guys are even called “Goombas”.

[Mario walks in]

Mario: And I’m regular Mario. Don’t worry about me. Sure, I died. But I still got three lives left. [starts dancing]

Andrew Cuomo: And hopefully, so do I.

[Cut to Italian-American Anti-Defamation League logo]

Male voice: This has been a message from  Italian-American Anti-Defamation League

Cartoon Wario: Ane me, Wario! Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Ooli Show

Barn… Mikey Day

Ooli… Chloe Fineman

Ragnorok… Elon Musk

Frances McDormand… Kate McKinnon

Steve Buscemi… Pete Davidson

Bjork… Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with channel intro]

Male voice: You’re watching Iceland Public Television.

[Cut to show intro]

Male voice: Pop culture. Bops. Celebrities. Games. Candy. It’s the “Ooli show”.

[Cut to Barn]

Barn: And now, let meet host, Iceland’s number one social media star, Ooli.

[Cut to Barn]

Ooli: Hello and welcome to the Ooli show. Pretty cool. I’m Ooli and this is my side guy, Barn.

Barn: We got big show today, Ooli.

Ooli: So cool. Iceland’s number one comedy duo is here. Thobo and Graptor.

[Cut to Ragnorok and Frances. They just groan.]

[Cut back to Ooli]

Ooli: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Hilarious. So, you have a good weekend, Barn?

Barn: Yes. I visited my elf shrine, Ooli. I left a tiny sausage for them.

Ooli: Aw, so cute. You have to keep the elfs happy or they spill your shoes. Oh, I see my producer Ragnorok is trying to get my attention. What’s wrong? Did I mess something?

Ragnorok: You? Ha-ha-ha. Never. I just can’t hold it any longer, Ooli. I’m in love with you. Please, will you be my girlfriend?

Ooli: Aw, Ragnorok, you’re so silly. But no. Okay, time to say, “What’s up, y’all?”, to our big celebrity star, Frances McDormand.

[Frances walks in. Barn, Ooli and Ragnorok are dancing]

Frances: Are you going to stop dancing or are we–? [They don’t stop] Okay.

Ooli: Yeah! [after dancing a while, Ooli and Barn take their seats] So, Frances, welcome to the ‘Ooli Show’. What’s bringing you to Iceland?

Frances: I’m here to buy more Gray Sack dresses. Ha-ha-ha. I’m out of Gray Sacks.

Ooli: Wow. Pretty cool.

Frances: So, what is this? People really watch this show?

Ooli: Yes. Well, I was just like this normal Icelandinc girl. But then tit popped out during Prince Phillip funeral. So, now they gave me show. Lucky, it was my good tit. So, tell me about your movie “Nomad Land”.

Frances: Well, you know, it’s a look at how the great recession impacted the American dream.

Ooli: Oh, wow. That sound boring. Okay, time for a quick hat. [Ooli wears a red hat] Is my hat funny?

Barn: [laughing alone] Ha-ha-ha-ha. Yeah! Frances?

Frances: Uh, yeah, sure.

Ooli: And now, a very quick word from our sponsor, Barn?

Barn: Well, the Ooli show is sponsored by “Cousin Checker” app. How many times have you found out too late that your lover is your cousin? In Iceland, it happens a lot. Cousin Checker tells you if you’re cousins before you get passed second base. Download now.

Ooli: Okay, Ragnorok, you keep waving your arms. Don’t ask me to be your girlfriend again.

Ragnorok: No, I promise.

Ooli: Okay good, go ahead.

Ragnorok: Be my girlfriend. I have a little bit of money but lots of goats and ponies.

Ooli: Okay. I love ponies. They’re very, very cute. But still, a hard no. Okay. Let’s bring out our next guest. Give a big hand to our American movie guest, Steve Buscemi.

[Steve walks in. Barn and Ooli are dancing]

Frances: Yes. So, since he’s here, can I leave? Because I would love to leave.

Ooli: No way. You have to stay the whole time. So, Steve Cemi, you seem like a cool American guy like Bart Simpson. Bad boy Bart Simpson kind of guy, yes?

Barn: Yeah. Like, American kind of Scooby Doo kind of guy. Roller Coaster Pizza Pie guy.

Steve: Thanks.

Ooli: You have a new movie coming out?

Steve: No, I don’t.

Barn: Wow, so cool. Okay, Ragnorok, what now?

Ragnorok: Ooli, I think of all the good times we could have, eating fermented calk in the nude.

Ooli: Okay, Ragnorok, stop. Cousin Check told us we were cousins.

Ragnorok: Exactly. We have so much in common.

Ooli: Ha-ha. Awkward. Now, we have one more special surprise. It’s a little baby song. Please welcome Iceland’s most and only famous musician, BJork!

[Cut to BJork]

[music playing]

BJork: This song is about tiny, tiny bird.

[singing badly] Hi, little tiny bird
with a giant heart

Thank you.

Ooli: Wow. Beautiful. After the break, with more Steve and Frances.

Frances: Oh, I still can’t leave?

Ooli: No. No way. Stick around for more Ooli show. Bye bye.

 

Murdur Durdur

Alex Moffat

Care… Kate McKinnon

Policeman… Bowen Yang

Owen… Beck Bennett

Woman… Chloe Fineman

Heidi Gardner

[Starts with a movie intro. Alex and Care are investigating a murder]

Male voice: In a small town somewhere between New York and DC.

Alex: County sent me to see this investigation.

Male voice: Comes another story of grizzled lady detective.

Care: Cell me Care. Everybody else does.

Bowen: A jogger found the body over there.

Alex: What do we know so far?

Care: I don’t know we know. All I know is what we don’t know.

Male voice: With a very specific accent.

[Care looks at the dead body’s face]

Care: Oh, no. I know her. It’s Owen’s dudur (daughter).

Alex: Durdur?

Care: Did I stir? The durdur has been murdered.

Alex: Oh, daughter.

Male voice: You’ve seen dead teens in New York, Chicago and Boston. But what about another city with very specific white? Pennsylvania whites.

[Two police officers ad eating

Care: Would you quit eating wawa hoagies over the body, please?

Police officers: Sorry, boss.

Male voice: From the makers of “Mare of Easttown” and “It’s always sunny in Philadelphia”, comes–

[Owen comes in]

Owen: No. Is it my durdur?

Care: Owen, she’s murdered.

Owen: They murdered my durdur?

Care: I’m afraid so.

Owen: [falls on his knees] My durdur! My baby durdur, and they murdered her!

Male voice: Murder Durdur, an extremely Pennsylvania crime show.

Care: I’m going to Yngling to take the edge off.

Owen: Oh, thanks Care.

Male voice: Highly accurate”, says the Delco-Daily. “The writers clearly googled. They knew the foods and the towns.”

[The detectives are looking at the map]

Bowen: Thur in this third matches the stin down the Daninton.

Care: The roras for Pesho Casen.

Bowen: Pesco cho hankin?

Care: No, Pesho Casen. Over by the Jangoff bridge.

Alex: Great. And you guys can spell that for me later?

Male voice: Starring an actress with a messy ponytail that says “Forget, I’m actually British.”

[Cut to Care interrogating a woman]

Care: Mandi (Monday) night, how did she get hum (home).

Woman: I told you. She got um on her own.

Care: Show me your phone.

Woman: Fine. But I ain’t murder no one’s durdur. I have no idea how she ended up in the wooter (water).

Care: What wooter?

Male voice: The New York time says, “So authentically Pennsylvania, I’m assuming. Absolutely everyone was related to each other.”

Bowen: Look, Care, I know why you’re a cop. Because your pop was a cop. And your pop pop was a cop. And your pop pop’s pop pop was the original Philly fanatic. It’s not your fault your son drowned in the schuylkill on purpose.

Alex: How does he know all that?

Care: Because he is my cousint (cousin). And he’s my cousint [pointing at another guy]. And that’s my ex-husbands (husband) [pointing at another guy]. And that girl–

Heidi: Hey, Care.

Alex: Let me guess, your cousint?

Care: No. It’s my grandurr.

Alex: Granddaughter? How old are you?

Care: I’m Philly 40.

Male voice: Constantly overcast. A creek and three bad homes. And moments of true suspense.

[Alex and Care are in the woods at night with flash lights. They hear something moving.]

Alex: Wait, is that the killer?

Care: No, that’s just Gritty.  [Someone’s wearing full Gritty costume and running way] Hey, Gritty, go flyers! [Gritty waves his hand]

[Cut to Owen walking into the police station]

Owen: Cap, I’m going to murder whoever murdered my durdur.

Care: Owen. I don’t know who did your durdur’s murder, alright?

[a pastor walks in with a girls bicycle]

Pastor: I need some help. I’m father Delbert, you durdur and I were friends.

Care: Oh! Okay. So, he did it. He is the durdur murderer.

Pastor: You got me.

Male voice: Murdur durdur, this is where Joe Biden is from. Wow.

Salt Bae

Cecily Strong

Ego Nwodim

Dave… Daniel Kaluuya

Mikey Day

David Beckham… Alex Moffat

Victoria Beckham… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with two couples at a fine dining]

Cecily: So glad we could do this. Lisa, you look so cute.

Ego: Thanks girl. This is where my steamy money went.

Cecily: I mean, it’s nice. It’s not $1200 nice.

Dave: This place is cool. Good choice, baby.

Mikey: Yeah. And I heard he’s actually here tonight.

Dave: Who’s here?

[Salt Bae walks to their table with a chopping board, a meat on it and a knife.]

Cecily: Salt Bae!

Ego: Oh my god, Salt Bae is at our table.

Dave: Good evening, bro. Got any specials tonight?

Ego: Oh my god. I know the specials. He’s going to give us the meat.

Dave: Did we order this?

Cecily: [taking a video] Shh! It’s happening.

[Salt Bae puts in the salt in his style]

Girls: Wow!

Dave: Wow. Didn’t know you like salt that much.

[Salt Bae gestures like he’s calling Cecily]

Cecily: You want me to salt meat?

Ego: Oh my god. Dave, you better get your phone out and film her.

Dave: Why?

Ego: This is why she’s here, dammit!

[Salt Bae is holding Cecily and helping her salt the meat]

Dave: That’s insane amount of touching with the waiter, right?

Ego: He’s not a waiter.

Dave: Well then, what is he?

[Salt Bae cuts a slice of meat and lifts it with the knife]

Cecily: Ooh! Drop it down my throat.

Dave: What?

Cecily: Babe, are you filming?

Dave: Yeah. But why are you eating like that though?

[Salt Bae puts a meat in Cecily’s mouth. Then he wipes her lips and walks away.]

Cecily: Hmm. Bye.

Ego: Bye, Salt Bae.

Dave: Right. So, I didn’t like that.

Cecily: Dave, that’s Salt Bae. He’s the most important chef in the world. Haven’t you seen his Instagram?

Dave: You get on, Sam bro.

Mikey: Yes, I think it’s cultural thing. Like, Salt Bae loves beautiful steak and Salt Bae loves beautiful women.

Ego: Wait, are you upset with Hannah or are you upset with Salt Bae?

Mikey: Yeah, because you can’t be mad a Salt Bae.

Cecily: Dave, Salt Bae is allowed.

Dave: No, no, no, no. It’s fine. Never mind. You’re having a good time. Enjoy the meat, babe.

[Salt Bae jumps in with another piece of meat]

Hello again, Salt Bae. Spanking the meat. I see you. I understand what you’re doing. Very good.

[Salt Bae moves near Cecily]

Cecily: Oh, my turn I guess. [Cecily slaps the meat] Oh! Oh, I love the way your meat feels.

Dave: It’s just not sanitary.

[Salt Bae moves near Ego]

Ego: Now it’s my turn to spank your meat.

Mikey: [filming Ego] Oh my god! Amazing!

Dave: Bro, you like this?

Mikey: No, I hate this.

Dave: I’d love to order a drink by the way.

[Salt Bae puts the meat on the chopping board and walks out]

And he’s gone. He’s gone.

Cecily: I am posting the video and tagging him.

Dave: I’m sorry, but this guy is giving me magician energy. You know? It’s a bit firsty.

Ego: Wait, are you jealous?

Dave: Of the meat mime? No.

Cecily: Oh my god, he DM’ed me.

Dave: What the hell did he say?

Cecily: [hiding her phone] Nothing.

[Salt Bae jumps in with the gold steak]

Mikey: Oh! The gold steak.

[Salt Bae pulls out a bone and moves near Ego]

Ego: Me?

[Ego opens her mouth wide open. Salt Bae puts in the bone.]

Mikey: Honey, you’re so lucky!

Dave: I’m feeling like we shouldn’t be watching this.

Mikey: I like to watch.

[Salt Bae moves near Mikey]

Me? No, I’m not beautiful like them.

[Salt Bae puts the bone in Mikey’s mouth]

Ego: Wow. You look so happy.

Dave: I don’t know if I like that. By the way, how much is it? How much is the gold steak?

[Salt Bae passes the bill on his knife]

Dave: Perfect! I’m getting charged $1100 to get cucked in front of David Beckham.

David Beckham: Salt Bae. Cool, right?

Victoria Beckham: Your girlfriend is absolutely stalling with the steak.

[Now, Cecily is on the table with her legs spread. Salt Bae is pouring salt between her legs. Cecily is moaning.]

Dave: That’s it! Sir, you’re an Instagram celebrity. You’re not better than me. I manage T-Mobile. And I worked hard to take my lady to dinner and I’d appreciate it if you didn’t salt her on our dinner table.

Cecily: [yelling at Dave, still her legs spread] Hey! Calm down. You’re embarrassing me in front of the Beckham Poshs.

Beckhams: We like it.

Dave: Anyone can slice meat. It’s not that hard.

[Dave tries to slice the meat]

Salt Bae: No, it’s very sharp!

[Dave cuts his thumb off. He is bleeding and spraying blood all over the place.]

Mikey: Oh my god!

Cecily: Hey, your thumb. You should take yourself to the hospital.

Dave: Take myself?

Cecily: Yes. We’ve got steak left.

Britney Spears Talk Show Cold Open

Britney Spears… Chloe Fineman

Lil’ Nas X… Chris Redd

Jesus… Mikey Day

Pepe Le Pew… Kate McKinnon

Matt Gaetz… Pete Davidson

[starts with show intro]

Female voice: Live from Las Vegas, it’s “Oops, you did it again”. With your host, Britney Spears.

[Cut to Britney Spears in her show set]

Britney Spears: Hey, y’all. It’s Britney, bitch. This is the show where we shine a light on social pariahs of the week. And I get to decide whether they’re innocent or [singing] not that innocent. And speaking of pariahs, shout our to our sponsor, Georgia – voted best place not to vote. I too have been put in the hot seat this week. I was accused of not writing my own social media captions. Ha-ha! That’s right. They thought someone else wrote – [cut the her tweet] “Who else finds the sea more mysterious than space?” Why do they think is running my account? Jacques Cousteau? Okay, my first guest tonight has been attacked by rare combo of Catholic church and Nike. Please welcome Lil’ Nas X.

[Lil’ Nas X walks in]

Lil’ Nas X: Hi Britney. I hope you don’t mind but I wore one of my casual look.

Britney Spears: You look amos. Now, I want to start with your new satan shoes. Is it true that they’re Nikes made with human blood?

Lil’ Nas X: Yeah, but I don’t know why Nike so mad. The whole thing is ‘just do it’. Well, I did it.

Britney Spears: People were also freaking out about your new video where you ride down a stripper pole to hell and twerk on the devil. Why are they so upset?

Lil’ Nas X: Because they’re closed minded idiots? People are afraid of me because I’m different. But really, I’m just your typical gay black country rap sneaker entrepreneur. I put my pants on like everyone else. One assless chap at a time.

Britney Spears: And what would you say to the religious folks who were mad that you gave satan a lap dance?

Lil’ Nas X: I would say – you know that wasn’t the real satan, right? It was a dude in a Halloween devil costume because the real satan doesn’t do music videos. So maybe, chill?

Britney Spears: So, helping people together, would you be willing to give a lap dance to god? Just to even things out?

Lil’ Nas X: Hmm. Okay, yeah. I guess.

Britney Spears: Okay, let’s do it.

[A man wearing Jesus costume walks in and sits. Lil’ Nas X twerts on him and gives him a lap dance.]

Wow! Happy Easter, everyone!

Lil’ Nas X: And should I again remind people, that was not the real god? That was just my friend, Gary.

Britney Spears: Thanks, Gary. Okay, my next guest has been cancelled and got taken out of the upcoming film “Space Jam”. Please welcome Pepe Le Pew.

[Pepe Le Pew walks in. He’s wearing a squirrel costume.]

Pepe Le Pew: Hello to you. I would kiss you all the way up your arm, but I realize that is no longer socially acceptable. So, I will shake your hand and say nice to meet you.

Britney Spears: See? You’re learning. Now, the original “Space Jam” is one of the best alien sports movie of all time. What was your part in the movie supposed to be?

Pepe Le Pew: Well, any good basketball family needs a horny skunk. That much we all know. So, my part was, get this, I see a basketball in a blonde wig. I make love to it for Britney Spears0-Britney Spears5 minutes before LeBron James taps me on the shoulder and says, “Bro, that’s a basketball.” Not my finest moment in cinema but it made the crew laugh. So…

Britney Spears: And how do you respond to people who say you promote a culture of assault?

Pepe Le Pew: Look, I’m an actor. The part you see me play on TV and movie, that’s not me. I would love to be at a point in my career where I could turn down project, but there are not a lot of part for an old French skunk. Every audition, everyone come down to me or Gerard Depardieu. And if you think I am problematic, the problematic Looney Tunes? Two words for you. Speedy Gonzales. And, you didn’t hear this from me, but FBI is 90% sure, Yosemite Sam was at the Capitol riot.

Britney Spears: Oh. So, Pepe, where do we go from here?

Pepe Le Pew: I’ve been doing the work. Reading books. Women are from Mars, skunks are from France. I realize that Pepe love women but what Pepe needs to do now is listen to women. And of course, I am in a treatment for sex addiction.

Britney Spears: Okay. Krrr! Our final guest is, as we said in the early 2000s, a hot mess, and as we’d say today, a full on sex pest, please keep your hands apart not clapping for Florida congressman Matt Gaetz.

[Matt Gaetz walks in wearing a suit]

Matt Gaetz: Hi, everyone. Gigity gigity goop.

Britney Spears: Now, who are you again?

Matt Gaetz: My name is Matt Gaetz. Like, Bill Gates, but with a Z at the end. Like a cool version for teens.

Britney Spears: Speaking of teens–

Matt Gaetz: Oh, we don’t have to speak of teens.

Britney Spears: No, ha-ha. Let’s. So, this whole story is so bizarre, so incredibly Florida that I need to get it straight. You were dating a 17 year old and brought her on trips across state lines.

Matt Gaetz: Allegedly.

Britney Spears: Prostitutes say you took ecstasy and had sex with them in Florida hotel rooms.

Matt Gaetz: Alleged– gigity goop.

Britney Spears: And your republican colleagues in congress say that you showed them nude photos of women you were sleeping with.

Matt Gaetz: Which is not a crime! Just horrifying!

Britney Spears: I don’t know, Matt. I think I can spot a teen predator when I see one. After all, I was on Mickey Mouse club.

Matt Gaetz: Argh! That’s ridiculous. People were just targeting me because I defended Donald Trump.

Britney Spears: And what has Trump said in your defense?

Matt Gaetz: Gigity squat!

Britney Spears: Do you think these allegations are going to hurt you in the next election?

Matt Gaetz: Weirdly in my district, they might help. But come on, I’m just like Pepe here. I’m just a ladies man.

Pepe Le Pew: Dude, no! I’m a cartoon skunk. You are a United States congressman. Be better, okay?

Matt Gaetz: You know what? Maybe I should do a lap dance too. That’d be fun, right?

Lil’ Nas X: If you come anywhere near me, just remember, I have hiphop friends and country friends, the Tupac relations that are guaranteed to own guns.

Matt Gaetz: Okay, point taken.

Pepe Le Pew: And if I may add– [Pepe Le Pew turns her back toward Matt Gaetz and farts hard]

Matt Gaetz: Oh, god! I kinda like it.

Britney Spears: And now, I am going to give my verdict. Lil’ Nas X, innocent.

Lil’ Nas X: Hell, yeah.

Britney Spears: Pepe Le Pew, not that innocent.

Pepe Le Pew: I accept. It’s time for a newly Pew.

Britney Spears: And Matt Gaetz, I’m not legally allowed to call you innocent or guilty, so I’ll just encourage everyone to [singing] judge him by his face. 

Matt Gaetz: Oh-oh!

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Spring Break Game Show Cold Open

Cece Vuvuzela… Maya Rudolph

Kyle Mooney

Beck Bennett

Chris Redd

Madison… Chloe Fineman

Poots… Ego Nwodim

Lego… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with show intro]

Female voice: You’re watching MTV Spring Break live at Miami beach where the party don’t stop until the government mandated curfew. Next stop, it’s the number one game show for hot infectious singles – “Snatched! Vaxed! or Waxed!”

[cheers and applause]

[cut to Cece hosting the show]

Cece: Yes. Whoo! What’s up? Oh, what’s up, you guys? I am your host Cece Vuvuzela. I am here at beautiful Miami beach during global pandemic. We are so close to the end. Let’s ruin it! Okay, guys. When I say fourth, you say wave. Fourth!

Contestants: Wave!

Cece: Let’s go! Whoo! Today, three contestants will try and guess if our hidden lovely ladies are snatched – meaning the physique be right and tight, vaxed – and they got the anti-bodies-yadi-yadies, or waxed – a.k.a. smooth like a seal. That’s weird. Our equally important qualities. Ready boys?

Kyle: [excited] Oh, hell yeah!

Beck: Born this way.

Chris: My homie got me the vaccine two years ago. So, I’ve been straight for a minute.

Cece: Why don’t we meet our first covid cutie?

Madison: Hi, I’m Madison. I go to the university of high school where I major in home room. I’m here in Miami to either get covid or get laid.

Cece: Um, that’s good. Don’t let the pandemic change your priorities, right? What do you think, boys?

Kyle: That’s the voice of a girl with a small hard body if you please, ma’am. So, I’ma say snatched.

Beck: That sounded like a girl I hooked up with earlier today, so based off that I gotta say waxed.

Chris: Yo, she sounds like she’s down for anything crazy. So, I’ma say she got vaxed.

Cece: Tell em’ your deal.

Madison: I’m on Florida Adderal, man! So yeah, I’m snatched.

Cece: Oh, you guessed correct which means the two of you are headed to club Syph. With a capacity of 2,000, this place is literally on fire every night. Just make sure you go on before 10 because that’s when the cops stop firing pepper balls into your face.

Madison: Oh, pepper ball sounds fun. Let’s go do one.

[Madison and Kyle leave]

Cece: Snatched, Vaxed or waxed is brought to you by Spirit Airlines. “$10 flight to Miami. Don’t worry, we keep the windows open.” And AstraZeneca. “We put the ass in vassine”. Let’s meet our next hottie with the body.

Poots: Hey, I’m Poots and it’s technically not my spring break because I’m still going to Zoom school to be a therapist. Um-hmm, yeah, sorry sir, but you crazy. I’m gonna be a doctor.

Cece: Umm, what do we think, boys?

Chris: She sounded smart, so I gotta go with waxed.

Beck: I know she don’t want herpes, so I’m gonna say vaxed.

Cece: Uh-uh, neither of you guessed correctly. So, Poots is headed out on a date to the Versace Murder Steps all by herself.

Poots: I don’t wanna go there.

Cece: It’s not optional. Enjoy Miami. Let’s meet our final pandemic princess.

Lego: What’s up? I’m Lego and I actually can’t wear a mask coz it irritates my cold sores. So, I am anti-vaxed and anti-max. But I am laxed.

Chris: What are you saying?

Lego: I’m in laxed place.

Chris: Okay. You know what? She made a point saying she’s anti-vaxed. But I think she’s just flirting. So, I’ma say vaxed.

Cece: Oh, no, come on. You guys know no one partying in Miami is vaxed. [siren] Oh-oh, you know what that siren means.

Beck: [wearing his police vest] I’m actually a cop and that siren means I’m on duty now.

Cece: No. It means we take a shot and keep the party going. Please welcome people’s cousin Leopard.

[starting the party. Chris and Lego start danging]

Chris: Alright, alright, everybody out. Everybody out. Let’s go. Let’s go.

Cece: Oh, no, smoke bombs. That means they’re closing the bridges. We gotta go. I am Cece and it was all worth it. And–

All: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Kamala

Kamala Harris… Maya Rudolph

Doug Emhoff… Martin Short

Ted Cruz… Aidy Bryant

Ella Emhoff… Chloe Fineman

Raphael Warnock… Kenan Thompson

Joe Biden… Alex Moffat

Marjorie Taylor Greene… Cecily Strong

[Starts with an announcement]

Male voice: And now a message from the vice-president of the United States.

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: Good evening, America. I’m vice-president Kamala Harris. This has been a difficult year for all of us but I really do feel that we are about to see some light. And what better night to celebrate a new beginning than Passover? Or as my adopted people call it – Pesach. That’s why it’s time for … [music playing] A Kamala Harris Unity Seder. Tonight, we’ll be asking four questions. How’s school? Did you eat? When are you giving me grandchildren? And what’s with that haircut? And I cannot have all by my lonesome. So help me host this, I’d like to introduce my rock, my everything, my Semitic smokes show, my step baby daddy, Doug Emhoff. Get on out here, sexy.

[Doug Emhoff walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Doug Emhoff: No, I can’t do this. I’m too shy. I’m just a shy entertainment lawyer.

Kamala Harris: Oh, come on. No, Doug. All you have to do is pretend it’s just us, baby.

Doug Emhoff: Oh. [romantic music playing. Doug Emhoff holds Kamala Harris from behind.] Well, I just want you to know– Listen to me, girl. I support you. Every time you look around, it’s so good to be there for you, honey.

Kamala Harris: Oh, you better be.

Doug Emhoff: But time to time, you’re gonna look around and I’m not going to be there.

Kamala Harris: Oh no.

Doug Emhoff: But that’s just me telling you – “You got this, baby!”

Kamala Harris: Oh, the support. You’re my load-bearing wall. You hold up my roof. And you’re always on top of my basement.

[doorbell ringing]

Doug Emhoff: Strangers? I don’t like strangers. They frighten me.

Kamala Harris: It’s alright, babe. Our first guest is here. In the spirit of Pesach, I reached across the aisle. Joe Biden gave me a list of republicans to reach out to and I’m starting at the bottom.

[opens the door. Ted Cruz walks in with a tray of cookies.]

Ted Cruz: You started at the bottom and now I’m here.

Kamala Harris: Welcome to my home, Ted Cruz.

Ted Cruz: Well, hey. I’ve never been to a Jewish dinner. So, I brought some Israeli flag cupcakes. I’ve got a ton of these left over from C-PAC. And I got some pinks in the blanket.

Kamala Harris: Well, we can’t have pork or bread. So, thank you.

Ted Cruz: Ay, by the way, somebody scraped the crap out of Prius in your driveway. No idea who did it. Probably my daughters. Definitely wasn’t me. My only crime is loving too much and sedition.

Doug Emhoff: That’s my Prius, but it’s all good.

Kamala Harris: Ted, may I ask what’s going on with your hair, hun? I see serial killer on the side and bait and tackle stop owner in the front.

Ted Cruz: Well, in the honor of Passover, I had my haircut done by a moyle.

[music playing. Ella Emhoff suddenly walks in like walking on fashion show ramp.]

Ella Emhoff: Shalom to the children.

Kamala Harris: America, Ted, meet my beautiful and supremely talented step-daughter, Ella Emhoff.

Ted Cruz: Boy, boy. So, what am I looking at here?

Ella Emhoff: Am I breaking your eyes? Good. You may think I look insane but I assure you I’m the most normal looking girl in Bushwick. Mama list every month so I while I’m serving lukes.

Kamala Harris: Aw, thank you, Ella. You’re really elevating this seder.

Doug Emhoff: So put out the gefilte fish.

Ella Emhoff: Okay, dad. All this is going on my mood board because Issa-bibe.

[music playing. Ella Emhoff walks out like on the fashion show ramp.]

[doorbell ringing]

Kamala Harris: Oh, let’s see who’s at the door. [Kamala Harris opens the door. Raphael Warnock walks in with a bottle of wine] Well, it’s reverend senator, Raphael Warnock.

Raphael Warnock: Alright. Shalom, y’all. Jon Osoff told me to bring some man-a-shevitz.

Kamala Harris: So, how are things going in Georgia?

Raphael Warnock: Oh, you saw “Roots”, right? That’s how it’s going in Georgia.

Kamala Harris: Well, we need to make sure we keep Georgia blue for the next presidential election. And the one after that.

Raphael Warnock: Well, that won’t be easy. They’ll do everything they can to keep black people from voting. We wouldn’t vote on anything if they had their way. Not even American Idol. Jennifer Hudson would have been knocked down in the first round. Jennifer damn Hudson, y’all!

Kamala Harris: No! Not J-Hud!

Raphael Warnock: Right? Oh! Raphael spies a boiled egg. If you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna have a nosh.

Kamala Harris: You get that egg, senator! Alright, go for it, reverend senator, Raphael Warnock.

[doorbell ringing]

Doug Emhoff: Who could that be? Elijah?

Kamala Harris: Good one, sweetie.

[Joe Biden lets himself in]

Joe Biden: Hey.

Kamala Harris: Hey, it’s Joe Biden. How are you, Joe Biden?

Joe Biden: Hey, folks. Did y’all catch my press conference? So easy. A lot of critics thought I wan’t mentally prepared enough but [reading his cheat sheet] I think I proved them all wrong. Oh, Kamala. I’m not sure if you heard but I’m putting you in charge of solving the immigration problem down at the Mexican border.

Kamala Harris: Yes. I did hear that. Wow. Thank you for the opportunity. Such a fun solve a problem. And what are you in charge of?

Joe Biden: Moi? Giving out checks. Who wants steemies? Whoo! Ha-ha. Make it rain.

Kamala Harris: Oh, Joe Biden. Oh, and guess what? I got a little Passover surprise for y’all. [Kamala Harris walks out and brings in a German Shepard] Here he is. Come on here. That’s right. That’s my dog, Major. He’s back from being retrained. It’s all better now, aren’t you, Major? Sweet pooch.

[Major growling]

Kamala Harris: Thank god we can all hangout and that we’re all vaccinated. Isn’t it great?

[Major jumps on Doug Emhoff. Doug Emhoff is trying to get rid of him.]

Ted Cruz: Thanks to president Trump, operation [Doug Emhoff grunting].

Kamala Harris: I don’t know about that. Did you catch my press conference, Ted?

Ted Cruz: Yeah, I did. Boring. I switched over to ice road and trucker’s marathon.

[the dog runs out and Doug Emhoff escapes]

Doug Emhoff: Thank god, something spooked that hell hound.

Kamala Harris: Well, it’s Marjorie Taylor Greene.

[Marjorie Taylor Greene getting in through the window]

Marjorie Taylor Greene: It’s looks pretty swanky for ANTIFA headquarters.

Kamala Harris: Marjorie, why didn’t you just knock on the door?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: No, no. Ever since January 6, I’ve only been entering dwelling insurrection style. I don’t trust doors. Door’s what’s destroying this country. I’ll only enter rooms through HVAC ducts, windows and SURR systems.

Kamala Harris: Doug? Honey, a word?

[everyone leaves and it’s only Kamala Harris and Doug Emhoff]

Doug Emhoff: What baby? What?

Kamala Harris: Baby I’m worried this unity thing is splitting everybody apart.

Doug Emhoff: Shh, come on. There’s a Passover seder song called Deyenu, and the refrain is it would have been enough. And if you’re just vice president–

Kamala Harris: On no, that won’t be enough.

Doug Emhoff: Okay. I want you. I want you. I want your lips.

Cinderella’s Slipper

Reginald … Kenan Thompson

Melissa Villaseñor

Dracilla… Cecily Strong

Cinderella… Chloe Fineman

Mother… Kate McKinnon

Prince… Nick Jonas

Mouse… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: We now return to the conclusion of Cinderella on Disney+ which doesn’t have commercial, so I guess you just paused it.

[Cut to the show.]

Reginald: Attention, all maidens of this dwelling. Prince charming wishes to have a word.

Melissa and Dracilla: Ooh, prince charming.

Cinderella: I wonder what he wants.

Mother: Cinderella, go to your room at once. This doesn’t concern you. You’re poor.

Dracilla: Yeah. The prince is here to see us. The evil homely step sisters.

Melissa: Men don’t want a nice, pretty blonde girl. They want loud, mean freaks.

Dracilla: Cinderella doesn’t even have a unibrow.

Cinderella: Oh, that’s okay. I’ll just go talk to the birds. They’re my real friends.

Dracilla: Uh- psycho.

[Prince walks in]

Prince: No, wait. This concerns every maiden in the kingdom. You see, I’ve fallen in love. But with whom, I do not know. Perhaps she’s here now.

Cinderella: Perhaps she is.

Mother: It couldn’t be Cinderella. That’s for sure. We keep her locked in the attic.

Reginald: Okay, well, that’s a crime. When the prince comes to visit, people usually say “Hello, my lord.” Not “We got a girl in the attic”.

Mother: But even her name is gross. Cinderella. Bleh. Wouldn’t you prefer my daughter Drusella?

[Dracilla bows, but then farts]

Prince: There’s only one way to find out how my mystery love is. You see– Oh my, the smell is really just hitting me now.

Reginald: Yes. What is that?

Dracilla: Sorry. I only eat berries and raw deer meat.

Prince: You see, I spent one magical evening with this mystery woman. And she vanished at midnight. And all that was left was this. [Reginald gives Prince a glass shoe on a pillow. The shoe is too tiny.] A glass slipper.

Mother: Hah?

Prince: What?

Mother: Nothing. It looks small.

Prince: What do you mean?

Melissa: The shoe, it’s small.

Prince: I think it’s a pretty standard women’s shoe.

Dracilla: You serious? It’s like a Monopoly token.

Prince: Huh, yeah. I guess my perspective was off because it’s sitting on a pillow. You think it’s like, a child’s shoe?

Dracilla: No. But I don’t love how casually you asked that.

Mother: It’s way too small for a child. Maybe even too small for doll. You really didn’t clock the shoe as weird at all?

Prince: But it’s glass. I thought that was weird. Reginald, is this shoe odd to you?

Reginald: I mean, I didn’t think it was my place to come in, but that shoe tiny as hell. I’m a foot man in more ways than one, but even for me, that’s a freaky little shoe.

Cinderella: Well, my feet are pretty small. They didn’t feed me enough to go through puberty.

Reginald: Yeah. But I don’t think you could even get one of your toes in this thing.

Prince: So then, who has a foot this small?

[a mouse appears]

Mouse: I does.

Prince: I’m sorry?

Mouse: I does!

Prince: The shoe is yours?

Mouse: Oh, it definitely does.

Cinderella: Oh, hurray, mouse Selina. This is wonderful news. You found your prince charming.

Mouse: Yup, I guess I does.

Mother: Dude, you banged a mouse?

Prince: What? No. We didn’t bang. I mean, we didn’t do anything. And she wasn’t a mouse. She was a human woman.

Mouse: Um, no. It was mouse. And mouse went all the way. Yeah, he dunked me in a glass of champaign and I was ready to rock.

Prince: No. No. I remember it was a woman and she ran away and her carriage turned into a pumpkin.

Mouse: Dude, I don’t know what drugs you’re on but it definitely didn’t affect your performance at all. I mean, you’d think this prince was a construction worker the way he was jack hammering.

Prince: Reginald, did I really? With a mouse? Why didn’t you stop me?

Reginald: Ay, I don’t judge. Love is love is love. You don’t think Jafar ever sprinkled some bird seed down there and let Iago go to town?

Prince: What?

Reginald: I don’t know, man. This is the stuff I’ve been thinking about.

Mouse: Oh, relax, prince. I’m totally cool. I’ll have the baby, no problemo. [showing her pregnant stomach]

Prince: Oh my god!

Mouse: It’s okay. It’s probably more like, 12 babies, but don’t worry. I’ll eat a couple of them.

Dracilla: Wait, that means those rat babies will be princes someday.

Melissa: And if we marry them, we’ll be princesses.

Dracilla: Yeah, everything’s coming up Drucilla. [farts again]

Mouse: [singing] Salacan-doo-la
Michigan-boo-la
bibidy-babidy-boo
The prince found out he boned the mouse
when he found my tiny shoe

Mr Chicken Legs Pageant

Denise Poots… Cecily Strong

Troy Duggins… Regé-Jean Page

Minnie Marko… Chloe Fineman

Chris-Michael Donahue… Mikey Day

Shawn Cruck… Andrew Dismukes

Todd Dodley… Pete Davidson

Judge… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with the show intro]

Male voice: We now return to the Mr. Chicken Legspageant. Live from the Grand Ball Room at the Cecil hotel. I know, very bad choice of venue because of bad Netflix show but we booked it so long ago.

[Cut to the show]

Denise Poots: [singing] The legs are skinny, thin and mini
only one will be Mr. Chicken legs
the adult males, the legs are rails
only one can be Mr. Chicken legs
Mr. Chicken legs
who will be Mr. Chicken Legs

[cheers and applause]

[Troy Duggins and Minnie Marko walk in]

Troy Duggins: Alright. Welcome back to the 2021, Mr. Chicken Legs pageant. Crowning the grown man with the skinniest legs in America. How about that Denise Poots, really putting her all into our theme music tonight.

Denise Poots: Yes, sir. Hollywood chewed me up and spit me out 18 years ago. Tonight is my chance to say, “Hey, this old piece of gum still got some flavors. So, pop me back in your mouth.”

Troy Duggins: Oh. The producers are holding up a big sign with arrow pointing at you that says, “Don’t engage.” To those who are joining us, I’m your host Troy Duggins joined by funny woman, Minnie Marko. What a night it’s been so far, Minnie?

Minnie Marko: Yeah.

Troy Duggins: [sigh] Well, the judges have narrowed the field to just three finalists and with the talent portion remaining, the stakes couldn’t be higher.

Minnie Marko: Agree.

Troy Duggins: That’s it. Nothing to add?

[Minnie Marko shakes her head no]

Didn’t think so. Alright. All good. Ha-ha. Up first, it’s a magic active, Chris-Michael Donahue with “Legs of deception”.

Chris-Michael Donahue: Ladies and gentlemen, prepare to be amazed. Before you stands a grown man, yet with a mere twirl of my cape and tilt of the camera, I become [drum roll] an eighth grade girl. [Camera slides down only to his legs. He’s wearing a skirt and girly shoes] As you can see, I can be flirty, or shy.

Troy Duggins: Wow. As I said many times tonight, that was deeply stupid, yet strangely compelling. Chris-Michael Donahue, everyone! Well, Minnie, I bet you have some thoughts on the competition so far.

Minnie Marko: Totally.

Troy Duggins: Well, do feel free to jump in and share them. Anything to help me fill the time up here, alright? Up next, we have Shawn Cruck, “Lamemt of the calf-less”.

Shawn Cruck: When a human stands on their tiptoes, the calf muscle naturally flexes. Yet, when I do it, there is no physical change in my leg shape. Don’t believe me? Just watch.

[camera slides down to his legs. He stands on his toes and shows his calves.]

Troy Duggins: Once again, deeply stupid and yet I can’t look away. Shawn Cruck, folks. Minnie, I’d hate to ask, anything you want to add before we bring out our third finalist?

Minnie Marko: No. It’s just like, this is fun.

Troy Duggins: Guys, this gal’s a dud. She’s sweet but she’s giving me literally nothing. Okay. Alright. Time for our last finalist, it’s Todd Dodley performing his talent, having long skinny ass legs like Jack Skellington.

[cut to Todd Dodley dancing in front of a painting showing his thin legs]

That will haunt me. So, Todd, when did you first realized you had skinny legs?

Todd Dodley: Well, as a kid, people would always say I had the same legs as that skinny prostitute from the old Popeye cartoons, Olive Oyl.

Troy Duggins: Pretty sure Olive Oyl was Popeye’s girlfriend, not a prostitute. But either way, well done, Todd.

Denise Poots: [singing] Three finalists for Mr. Chicken Legs
Mr. Chicken Legs!

Troy Duggins: Well folks, it’s the moment you’ve all been waiting for. Head judge Angela Howl will crown our winner.

[The judge walks in and starts feeling the finalists’ legs]

Judge: Your new Mr. Chicken Legs is Todd Dodley. And your prize, the smallest little kiss.

[The judge pecks on Todd Dodley’s cheeks]

Troy Duggins: Well, don’t go anywhere. Ours more to come after the break.

Denise Poots: [singing] He is Mr. Chicken Legs. God, I love those chicken legs.