Kanye West Donald Trump Cold Open: Season 44 Episode 3

Announcer…..Darrell Hammond

Pres. Trump…..Alec Baldwin

Kanye West…..Chris Redd

Jim Brown…..Kenan Thompson

Press member…..Pete Davidson

[ Opens with the C-Span title image. ]

Announcer: You’re watching C-Span. At midnight, it’s interns gone wild. But first full coverage of the Oval Office meeting between President Trump, rapper Kanye West, and football legend Jim Brown. Among the issues discussed were prison reform, education, alternate universes, Superman, and flying cars. We go now to President Trump in the Oval Office.

[ Cut to the Oval Office. Trump is sitting at his desk with Kanye West and Jim Brown. There is a group of photographers taking their photos and a member of the press asking questions. ]

Trump: Hello. Thank you all for joining us today for this important discussion. It is no way a publicity stunt. This is a serious private conversation between three friends plus 50 reporters with cameras. I’m proud to welcome Kanye West Yeezus Yandhi Yaddam Yussein. An amazing guy. Thank you for coming Kanye.

Kanye: Yeah, that’s right. I flew here using the power of this hat. [ He is wearing a red ‘Make America Great Again’ hat. ]

Trump: That’s terrific. We also got Hall of Fame running back and Civil Rights activist, Jim Brown. Not many people know he was a great lacrosse player. How are you feeling, Jim?

Jim: Already pretty nervous.

Trump: These two are great dear friends of mine. A couple of real Chicago types, if you know what I mean. And Kanye, I want to thank you for giving me, thank you for giving me a pair of your sneakers. [ He pulls out a pair of white sneakers. ] They’re perfect for me because they’re white, they’re wide, and they’re never going to be worth as much as you say they are. Now we got an amazing lunch to get to, but first I’m sure that Kanye wants to make one or two brief lucid remarks. Kanye.

Kanye: First, let me being with the idea that time is a myth of infinite amounts of universe. And I’m a prisoner in another dimension. Have I lost anyone so far? [ Everyone on stage raises their hand. ] Okay, so I’m gonna talk about trapped doors. Like the 13th amendment is a trap door. And if you’re installing a floor, aka the Constitution, why would you build a trap door? Why would you build a trap door when you can end up with the unabomber?

[ Trump pouts his lips and nods as his voiceover explains his thoughts. ]

Trump voiceover: Oh, this guy might be cuckoo. I’ve been in the room with Dennis Rodman and Kim Jong Un, and they made a lot more sense than him.

Kanye: And then if you in Chicago, some people call it shy-raq. But the murder rate is going down, 20% every year. And pretty soon it’s going to be a negative murder rate. We’re gonna be digging bodies out of the ground.

Trump voiceover: That was freakin’ dumb. He doesn’t stop. He doesn’t listen to anyone but himself. Who does he remind me of?

Kanye: And I don’t want to brag, bro. I don’t wanna brag. But I really have a high IQ; I’m a stable genius. I got a big brain, and I got the best words.

Trump voiceover: Oh my god, he’s black me! I feel like I’ve been visited by the Christmas black. Quick, look at Jim Brown instead. [ He looks at Jim Brown. Jim statres on quietly thinking. ]

Jim voiceover: Oh my lord, what have I gotten myself into? I played football with a leather helmet, and my brain’s still working better than his.

Kanye: And when I put this hat on, this hat is like Superman’s hat.

Jim voiceover: Superman didn’t have a hat, you idiot.

Kanye: See the 13th amendment. You gotta abolish it. It should jump from 12 to 14 like skyscraper elevators. Huh?

Jim voiceover: Can someone be tri-polar?

Kanye: And another thing to think about is that actually, Hillary Clinton is not a man.

Trump voiceover: Wow, that was a curveball. You know this could be good for me. This guy makes Brett Kavanaugh look calm and collected. Wait, no, it can’t be that good. Every reported from CNN is way too happy. [ Camera pans over to the press guy smiling really happily. ]

Kanye: Now, I wanna show y’all a picture of an airplane on my Iphone. [ He pulls out his Iphone. ] Let me put the passcode in, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, I’m a genius.

Trump voiceover: His password is six zeros? Well, at least now I feel a lot better about my password eight, zero, zero, eight, five, aka boobs. [ He mouths the word boobs along with his voiceover. ]

Kanye: Okay, okay. Here’s a picture of a new plane. [ He leans towards Trump showing him an image of Wonder Woman on his phone. ] I want this to be your new Air Force One.

Trump: Wow, very cool. Very cool, indeed. Where’s the plane.

Kanye: It’s invisible.

Trump: Oh that’s fantastic, okay. And, who is that?

Kanye: That’s Wonder Woman.

Trump: Okay, maybe we should order your lunch from a pharmacy. Oh, let’s remember the big lesson today, that black people love me. They love me way more than they love Alec Baldwin.

Jim voiceover: Is God testing me? Or is this like that show, ‘What Would You Do?’ I might have to tackle both of these fools.

Kanye: So in conclusion, 13th amendment, shy-raq, trap doors lead to the unabomber, male energy, Trump is my dad, Hillary is a woman, and the media needs to start making this President look good.

Trump voiceover: Poopity-scoop. Scoop-de-loop. Boop-de-scoop-de-poop. Poopity-scoop.

Kanye: Hey Jim, do you want to add anything?

Jim: Add? I got a couple of subtractions I’d like to suggest. The only thing I definitely want to point out is that mental health in the black community is an even bigger issue than I apparently thought. I mean I’ve been on coalitions with Bill Cosby and OJ Simpson, and this is the first time I’m having regrets.

Kanye: And now it’s time for me to hug my new dad. [ Kanye gets up and walks over to Trump and gives him a big hug. ] Come on in here, Dad. Bring it in.

Trump: Get in here blood.

[ Trump and Kanye continue to hug. ]

Trump voiceover: Don’t check to see if you’re wallet’s still there. Don’t check. [ Trump’s hand hesitates to leave Kanye’s back, but then he gives in and checks his pocket for his wallet. ]

Kanye: I want everyone to know, I love this man!

Trump: I love you, Kanye. We got a lot more in common than people know. We’re both geniuses, we’re both married to beautiful women, and we both definitely have been recorded saying the n-word.

Kanye & Trump: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night!!!

Jail Cellmate: Season 44 Episode 3

Guard…..Chris Redd

Prisoner…..Seth Meyers

Bill Cosby…..Kenan Thompson

[ Image of a prison yard. A guard’s voice is heard. ]

Guard voiceover: “Open Cell 517. New Prisoner. Good luck new fish”. ] [ Cut to a jail cell. The prisoner is entering the cell holding his blankets. Bill Cosby sits on the lower bunk in the shadows. ]

Cosby: Ah, don’t listen to them. They’ve been here so long they don’t know what it means to be human.

Prisoner: Thanks so what are you in here for?

Cosby: You don’t ask a man that in here. You put your head down, keep to your business.

Prisoner: Wow. Old-timer. You really know the ropes. I’ve never done time before. This friggin’ sucks.

[ Bill Cosby stands up out of the shadow. He can now be seen to resemble Bill Cosby. He speaks in a voice like Bill Cosby, too. ]

Cosby: Hey! You don’t come in here with your filth and your foul foul filth. You need to get a job.

Guard: Hey, Cosby, keep it down. This is the tenth warning. And you’ve only been here four days. Lights on!

Prisoner: Wow! Bill Cosby, I mean, on behalf of every one of your fans, it is so disappointing to be meeting you now.

Cosby: What!? I am in my prime. I’m in jail and lovin’ it. No kids with the darndest things. Limited interactions with Camille. And when I was fighting incarceration, I had no idea that one of the staple foods of the prison system is Jell-O.

Prisoner: I know we are cell mates or whatever. But I really hope you’re not enjoying prison, Mr. Cosby.

Cosby: Dr Cosby. Young people.

Prisoner: I’m not a…I’m 43.

Cosby: You know I want to talk to the young black men in this jail. I’m gonna tell them with no guards present, that they chose to wear the pants around the b-u-t-t, half of their drawers hanging out. And they should be in jail!

Prisoner: I would be super interested in seeing you do that.

Cosby: Well, thank you. I’m going to need a folding chair, a sweat suit, and a headset microphone.

[ The guard enters the room. He is on the other side of the bars of the cell. ]

Guard: Okay inmates. On your feet. We are searching cells.

Cosby: Oh okay, kemosabe. We need to hide some things.

Prisoner: What do you got in there? Drugs?

Cosby: Worse! [ Cosby pulls out a two-foot long deli sandwich. ] Oh hello, my beloved!

Prisoner: Wow, so you really eat huge hoagies?

Cosby: Well not anymore. They put me in jail for loving salty foods.

Prisoner: That’s not why you’re in jail.

Cosby: And now everybody on TV is the burping and saying the flip off, or flip you. Quick! I dug a hoagie tunnel behind this poster of Dizzy GIllespie.

[ Cosby brings the hoagie over to the wall where there is an upside down poster of Animal from the Muppets. ]

Prisoner: Uh, I think you’re eyesight is bad. That’s Animal from The Muppets and it’s upside down.

Cosby: Don’t worry, you’ll be safe in here Denise. [ He pulls back the poster to reveal a hole in the wall and throws the hoagie into the hole. ]

Prisoner: Wait. You dug that tunnel in four days?

Cosby: That’s right. I got two spoons and I went [ He scats like Bill Cosby would. ]

Prisoner: Wow! You are just like Cliff Huxtable except in just one major way.

[ Cosby pulls out a live turtle. ]

Cosby: You have to help me hide this guy. He’s all I have.

Prisoner: I almost feel bad for you. You’re an old man going blind and all you have is a pet turtle.

Cosby: Turtle?! I thought this was Quincy Jones. Quince? You’re gonna sit there and lie to my face? [ He nods the turtle up and down. ]

Prisoner: I wanna switch cells!

Cosby: Oh you fool. How come everytime I try to mentor someone, it ends up turning on me.

Prisoner: Can I ask you something? And this is going to come out way meaner than I intend. But have you considered just dying?

Cosby: Well, I can’t. My love of dancing is on the defibrillator. Everytime I almost die, I just.. [ He starts to scat and to dance mocking the way Bill Cosby is known to dance. ] myself back to life.

Prisoner: What aren’t you getting about this situation? Because you seem genuinely happy and it’s terrifying.

Cosby: Well, I have my regrets. In fact, I want you to deliver this letter if you get out before me. It’s to an old friend.

Prisoner: It says: ‘Hey Elvin, I heard you work down at the Trader Joe’s. Send me a tub of those pretzels with the peanut butter and put a crowbar inside.

Cosby: I’m busting out! I got Woody Allen to drive the getaway car. Between the two of us, we got one working eyeball. Give me some skin. [ He puts his hand out for a high five. ]

Prisoner: No.

Cosby: Skin it. [ He keeps holding his hand out. ]

Prisoner: No, I’m not gonna skin it. I would normally have some small amount of sympathy for an eighty-year old man being sent to prison, but you damaged countless lives. Maybe you should forget about who you think you are and face what you actually did.

Cosby: Hmm. [ He puts his hand on his chin to indicate that he is thinking. ] Theo!

Prisoner: Not my name.

Cosby: That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard. Applause. You are afraid to study. I am your father and I will kill you.

[ The guard enters the room again. ]

Guard: Damnit Cosby! Stop quoting classic episodes. Open cell 517. [ The cell door opens. ]

Prisoner: Hey seriously, can I switch cells? Like, does this prison have solitary?

Guard: Oh yeah, we have solitary. Right, this way. [ The guard leads the prisoner out of the cell, and they walk off stage. ]

Cosby: So long, Jack! Four days down, and I got the house to myself.

[ Smooth jazz begins to play. Cosby does a ‘cosby’ dance and sits down in the recliner in his jail cell. ] [ The camera zooms in on the turtle, and a voiceover speaks from the turtle’s perspective: “So what did we learn tonight? Not much. But it doesn’t matter how old you are. If you got friends and music, you can get a groove going. And I am in fact, Quincy Jones. ] [ Cut to the image of the prison yard. ]