Coffee Shop: Season 44 Episode 1

Coffee Representative…..Mikey Day

Female 1…..Ego Nwodim

Male 1…..Beck Bennett

Male 2…..Adam Driver

Female 2…..Cecily Strong

Female 3…..Heidi Gardner

Male 3…..Chris Redd

Barista…..Melissa Villaseñor

Announcer…..Darrell Hammond

[ Opens with a family walking up to a Domenico’s Coffee Shop. ] [ Cut to inside the coffee shop where there is a marketing representative walking around three tables with three couples sitting and tasting coffee. ]

Coffee Rep: So how are you all enjoying the Domenico’s new coffee drink?

Female 1: I love it!

Male 1: This Americano is delicious.

Male 2: Now I say to the day I die, Domenico’s knows coffee.

Female 2: Yeah, I’m a bit of a coffee snob and I have to say Domenico’s nailed it.

Female 3: Yeah, they really did.

Coffee Rep: Well, I’m glad you folks feel that way. Because what if I told you that the delicious coffee drinks you’re sipping on aren’t actually from a specialty coffee shop?

Male 2: Heh, heh, heh. What?

Female 2: What’s happening?

Coffee Rep: But, they’re actually coffee from Burger King’s..

[ Three Burger King workers walk out carrying Burger King coffees in to-go containers. ]

Female 2: No!

Coffee Rep: New Cafe Gourmet!

Female 2: No!

Coffee Rep: BK Joe Coffee!

Male 2: What the hell?

Female 3: Woah, this coffee is from Burger King?

Male 3: Well damn, I guess I’ll be going to Burger King a lot more often.

Male 2: Well hold the phone brother, because I guess I just don’t get it. You’re telling me that I was just drinking a delicious cup of Domenico’s coffee with my new wife, then a bunch of puds walk out with burger coffee. Now you’re telling me we were drinking BK Joe the whole time. I, I guess I just don’t get it.

Coffee Rep: Well you actually do get it. Because that is exactly what just happened. And you’re not alone. Nine out of ten customers say they can’t tell the difference between BK Joe and the fancy stuff.

Female 2: But I can tell, and this is Domenico’s.

Coffee Rep: But the fun thing is that you actually drank BK Joe.

Female 2: Well, probably everyone else’s was a BK Joe. But mine wasn’t. I’m a Domenico’s girl.

Male 2: My new wife is a Domenico’s girl.

Coffee Rep: Okay sure, but that coffee is BK Joe. And get this, it costs just a $1.99.

Male 2: $1.99, you better take that back you pervert.

Coffee Rep: Woah, sir. There is no need for that.

Male 2: You fed my wife this garbage? Huh, this burger juice? How dare you? The day after our wedding.

Male 1: You came here the day after your wedding?

Female 2: Baby, I can’t believe I drank that burger coffee. I think I’m going to be sick. Baby, give me your purse.

[ Male 2 grabs his purse and hands it to female 2. ]

Male 2: Alright.

[ Female 2 begins to gag and stick out her tongue over the purse. ]

Coffee Rep: Wait, I’m sorry. Do you guys think that the coffee is made from burgers? Cause it’s not. It just comes from Burger King.

Male 2: Excuse me. Burger King! What happened to BK Joe? Alright be real with me brother. Are you BK Joe? Is he BK? [ He points to Male 3. ] Because I know it’s not her. [ He points to female 3. ]

Female 3: What?

Coffee Rep: BK Joe is not a person.

Female 2: Why should we trust anything you say? You lied about everything else. Oh, let me guess. This isn’t even Domenico’s coffee.

Coffee Rep: It’s not! I’ve said that several times.

Male 1: I’ll Krav Maga you right now. You know I know Krav Maga. Try me BK.

Female 2: Babe, babe, babe. What about the Batista? Is the batista real?

Female 1: Okay, I think you mean Barista.

Male 2: Batista, are you even real?

Barista: I am a paid actor but I did used to work at a Starbucks.

Male 2: As what a clown? Cause that’s what you are.

Female 2: Okay, I know why you’re all doing this. You’re jealous of me. You’ve been jealous of me since the second I walked into this Domenico’s. Because you could never get a man like this. I can’t go through this again, not at a Domenico’s.

Coffee Rep: Ma’am, Domenico’s is not a real place. This was a set built for a shoot.

Female 3: You know what, I don’t care where this coffee came from. I love it.

Female 2: Okay, look, I’m telling you this only because I’m honestly the nicest and most honest person here. But when you say that, you sound poor.

Female 3: Excuse me.

Female 2: You sound desperate you sound poor. And when this movie comes out, you’re going to want to kill yourself. I’m just trying to be nice.

Coffee Rep: I’m sorry you think this is a movie? For burger King?

Male 2: You see this Biscootie cookie? [ He picks up the Biscotti cookie and breaks it in half. ] This is you. Ah, now you know I know Krav maga.

Female 2: Oh my God, that got me so horned up baby. I love you so much.

Male 2: I love you, too. I’ll kill for you.

Female 2: And you will.

[ Male 2 and female 2 begin to kiss. Female 2 repeatedly says ‘Mmm’ each time their lips touch. ]

Coffee Rep: Oh, Jesus. [ They continue to kiss. Female 2 making ‘mmm’ noises and creepy giggles. ] Well, it feels like we’re not going to be able to use any of this footage so you can all go home. Thank you.

Male 2: Alright, come on baby. Let’s go. [ Male 2 and female 2 begin to exit the coffee shop together. ]

Female 2: Okay, baby don’t forget your purse. Can we stop by Burger King, I hear they have Domenico’s now.

[ Cut to Burger King BK Joe advertisement image. ]

Announcer: Brought to you by BK Joe from Burger King. BK is Burger king and Joe is coffee.

 

Kavanaugh Hearing Cold Open: Season 44 Episode 1

Harris Faulkner (Fox News)…..Leslie Jones

Mr. Grassley…..Alex Moffat

Mrs. Feinstein…..Cecily Strong

Hon. Brett M. Kavanaugh…..Matt Damon

Rachel Mitchell…..Aidy Bryant

Sen. Amy Klobuchar…..Rachel Dratch

Thom Tillis…..Mikey Day

Sen. Cory Booker…..Chris Redd

Sen. John Kennedy…..Kyle Mooney

Sen. Sheldon Whitehouse…..Pete Davidson

Mr. Hatch…..Beck Bennett

Mr. Graham…..Kate McKinnon

[ Fox News Alert opening sequence. ] [ Cut to Harris Faulkner sitting at the news desk. ]

Harris Faulkner: Hello. I’m Harris Faulkner. And we are halfway through the Kavanaugh hearing. It’s special coverage at the Fox News we’re calling, “Wuh Oh!”Judge Kavanaugh himself is about to appear, so let’s go live to the Senate hearing room where two of the oldest white people I’ve ever seen are about to run a circus.

[ Cut to the Senate Hearing Room. There is a banging of a judge’s mallet. ]

Mr. Grassley: Order, Order. We are calling this meeting back to order. This hearing back to order.

Mrs. Feinstein: That’s right, we’re back from lunch. I had soup.

Mr. Grassley: And I had soup as well. It was too hot. Now we just heard some very moving testimony from Dr. Ford. I listened to her and I kept a very open mind and that is why I already voted yes for Kavanaugh before she said a word. Now we’ve heard from the alleged victim, but now it’s time to hear from the hero, Judge Brett Kavanaugh. Who I’m told has been shadowboxed in the men’s room for the last 45 minutes. Judge Kavanaugh!

[ Judge Kavanaugh’s seat is empty. He enters the room and takes a seat. He is consistently sniffing. ]

Kavanaugh: WHAT!

Mr. Grassley: Judge Kavanaugh, are you ready to begin?

Kavanaugh: Oh, hell yeah! Let me tell you this, I’m gonna start at an eleven. I’m going to take it to about a fifteen real quick. First of all, I showed this speech to almost no one. Not my family, not my friends, not even P.J. or Tobin or Squee. This is my speech. There are others like it, but this is mine. I wrote it last night while screaming into an empty bag of Doritos. I’m here tonight because of a sham, a political con job, orchestrated by the Clinton’s and George Soros and Kathy Griffin and Mr. Ronan Sinatra. Now I am usually an optimist. I’m a keg is half full kind of guy. BUt what I’ve seen from the monsters on this committee makes me want to puke and not from beer. Dr. Ford has no evidence, none! Meanwhile, I’ve got these. [ Kavanaugh shows his calendar to the hearing room. ] I’ve got these calendars. [ Kavanaugh begins to force a cry between his words. ] These beautiful creepy calendars about lifting weights with P.J. and Squee and Donkey Dong Doug. [ He puts the calendar down. ] But you don’t care about Squee or Donkey Dong Doug, do you? You just want to humiliate me in front of my wife, and my parents, and Alyssa frickin’ Milano. [ A cardboard cut out of Alyssa Milano pokes out behind Kavanaugh. ] Well guess what? I’m not backing down, you sons of bitches. I don’t know the meaning of the word ‘stop’. To quote my hero, Clint Eastwood’s character in “Gran Torino”, ‘Get the hell off my lawn!’ Now let’s do this!

Mr. Grassley: Okay. Well, I’m hard as hell. Senator Feinstein, you want to fight this monkey first?

Mrs. Feinstein: Judge Kavanaugh, [ Cut to Kavanaugh drinking a glass of water and spilling it all over his face. ] are you saying that all that all the claims of Mrs. Ford, Mrs. Ramirez, and Mrs. Swetnick are false?

Kavanaugh: Ha! Uh, doy! [ Kavanaugh pours himself some more water. ]

Mrs. Feinstein: Then if you have nothing to hide, would you agree to an independent FBI investigation into the allegations?

Kavanaugh: Asked and answered. I wanted a hearing the next day. The next day.

Mrs. Feinstein: Okay, that in no way answers my question. Would you agree to an FBI investigation?

Kavanaugh: You want a real investigation. Then just look at my calendars. And you’re going to see that very night I Was lifting weight P.J. and Squee and Handsy HAnk and Gangbang Greg. Which you know the liberal media is going to find some way to spin.

Mrs. Feinstein: Okay, can we vote now?

Mr. Grassley: No, no. Senator Hatch.

Mr. Hatch: I just want to point out that democrats in this committee have acted like cowards. Now if you excuse me I would like to hide behind the female prosecutor we hired as a human shield.

Rachel Mitchell: Okay. So, hi. I’ve got about 4,000 loose papers on this weird little baby desk that they set up for me here. Okay. Now okay first of all, hello, my name is Rachel Mitchell. I’m here mostly for Twitter. And although everyone will constantly be referring to me as female prosecutor, you can really just call me straight up prosecutor. Okay. Now before we begin…

[ Mr. Grassley bangs his mallet interrupting Rachel. ]

Mr. Grassley: Okay, you’re time is up.

Rachel Mitchell: Okay, wow, I’m already regretting this.

Mr. Grassley: Senator Klobuchar.

Klobuchar: Okay, okay. Here we go. Now Judge Kavanaugh would you say in high school that you were a frequent drinker?

Kavanaugh: Look, I like beer. Okay. I like beer. Boys like beer. Girls like beer. I like beer. I like beer!

Klobuchar: Okay, so I asked if you drank in high school and you said, ‘I like beer’ ten times. That leads me to the next question. Did you ever drink too many beers?

Kavanaugh: You mean, was I cool? Yeah. [ Kavanaugh continues to drink water and spills it on himself. ]

Klobuchar: Alright. Alright. Then tell me this, Judge, did you ever drink so much that you blacked out?

Kavanaugh: I don’t know. Did you? Huh? Huh? Huh? Did you ever blackout?

Klobuchar: Excuse me?

Kavanaugh: Sorry, I didn’t mean it. I think I just blacked out for a second.

Klobuchar: I accept your apology, Judge. Can I just ask…[ Alyssa Milano cardboard pokes out behind Klobuchar. ] Is Alyssa Milano behind me? She is just so good at finding her lens.

Mr. Grassley: Order, order! Senator Tillis.

Tillis: Thank you. I would also like to yield my time to the female assistant. Or sorry, do you prefer stewardess?

Rachel: Oh okay, I cannot believe I flew here on Southwest for this. Um, okay now Judge Kavanaugh, do you have the definition of sexual behavior in front of you?

Kavanaugh: Yeah!

Rachel: Okay could you please read it to yourself and while you do could you please look at the piece of paper like you hate it? And could you also squint and make your mouth into the tiniest little mouth we have ever seen?

[ Kavanaugh looks at the paper squinting and puckering his lips. ]

Kavanaugh: Okay, I read it.

Rachel: Okay now having read it could you…

[ Mr. Grassley bangs his mallet interrupting Rachel again. ]

Mr. Grassley: Time!

Rachel: Oh okay. Very cool.

Mr. Grassley: Senator Booker, are you ready to speak?

Booker: I will not dignify this hearing with words. I will just show you one expression I call the ‘Booker look’. [ Booker makes an exaggerated sad face and shakes his head in disapproval. ]

Mr. Grassley: Okay, thank you Senator Booker. Senator Kennedy from Louisiana.

Kennedy: Judge Kavanaugh, I only have one question for you. Look me in the eye, in front of God, and I want you to answer honestly. That beer you like to drink, are we talking foreign or domestic?

Kavanaugh: I drink American Beer.

Kennedy: You ain’t drinking Heineken on us?

Kavanaugh: I drink American beer!

Kennedy: No further questions! This guy checks out. I give the rest of my time to Miss Frizzle.

Rachel: Okay, now I gotta make this quick…

[ Mr. Grassley bangs his mallet. ]

Mr. Grassley: Time!

Rachel: Damnit. Damnit.

Mr. Grassley: Senator Whitehouse!

Whitehouse: Yeah, I’d just like to ask Judge Kavanaugh about his yearbook.

Kavanaugh: Oh yearbook. We’re talking about a yearbook right now.

Whitehouse: Uh, Judge Kavanaugh, what is ‘boofing’?

Kavanaugh: It was flatulence. I was 16.

Whitehouse: Can you use ‘boof’ in a sentence?

Kavanaugh: Sure. I passed out from drinking but then I boofed so loud, I woke myself up.

Whitehouse: Okay, what about ‘Devil’s Triangle’?

Kavanaugh: It’s a drinking game.

Whitehouse: Okay, ‘Eskimo Brothers’?

Kavanaugh: Drinking game.

Whitehouse: ‘Eiffel Tower’ with Dougie One Nut?

Kavanaugh: That was a possible trip to France that didn’t pan out.

Whitehouse: Judge Kavanaugh, my staff just googled all these terms and they’re clearly referring to sex.

Kavanaugh: Well that’s impossible because I didn’t have sex for many, many, many years. Many years. All I did was drink, a lot, and not think about having sex at all. I was the proudest, drunkest, virgin you’ve ever seen. And everyone can relate to that.

[ Mr. Graham bangs his fist on the desk. ]

Mr. Graham: I object.

[ Mr. Grassley bangs his mallet. ]

Mr. Grassley: Lindsey Graham.

Mr. Graham: I object. That’s right. [ He points his finger and shakes it. ] I have been waiting to yell and shake my finger and get rid of this tomato for 15 minutes. And I know I’m supposed to shut up because I am single white male 5’10”, uncut. But I will not shut up, because this is a bunch of c-r-a-p crap! This ain’t no trial. This ain’t no due process. You know what this is Judge Kavanaugh, you know what this is?

Kavanaugh: Is this a real question?

Mr. Graham: This is hell! That’s what it is. It’s hell. [ He keeps pointing and exaggerating his pointing. ] Is this hell to you, Judge Kavanaugh?

Kavanaugh: Well, it’s pretty bad.

Mr. Graham: It is hell! And for what? You don’t just be Bill Cosby and suddenly you’re not Bill Cosby anymore.

Kavanaugh: Okay well you don’t, you don’t have to compare me to Bill Cosby.

Mr. Graham: No, no. You are him. You are him. Imagine this man in handcuffs like Bill Cosby.

Kavanaugh: Just please stop saying Bill Cosby.

Mr. Graham: You put this man on Supreme Court now! No vote, no discussion. You give him a damn robe and you let him do whatever the hell he wants. Because this right now, this is my audition for Mr. Trump’s cabinet. And also for a regional production of ‘The Crucible’. And let me tell you, queen, I was good.

Mr. Grassley: Alright. [ He bangs his mallet. ] Alright. [ He bangs his mallet again. ] Alright, I think we’ve heard more than enough. Ranking member Feinstein, would you like to say something in closing?

Mrs. Feinstein: I just have one final question for Judge Kavanaugh. After all of this, do you really think you have the right demeanor and temperament to be a Supreme Court Justice?

[ Kavanaugh turns two pages of paper with force. ]

Kavanaugh: I went to Yale! I work my butt off to get here. I busted my buns. I lifted weights. Every day [ He begins to cry. ] with Tobin, and P.J., and Squee. And Donkey Dong Doug. And yeah, we had a couple thousand beers along the way. Especially my good friend, Mark Judge, who can’t remember huge chunks of his life, but is my key witness. So am I angry, you’re damn right. But if you think I’m angry now, you just wait till I get on that Supreme Court cause then you’re all gonna pay. Give me a can of water. [ He shotguns a can of water. ] And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!