Weekend Update: David Ortiz on Red Sox’s World Series Win | Season 44 Episode 4

…..Colin Jost

…..Michael Che

David Ortiz…..Kenan Thompson

[ Colin Jost is sitting at the news desk. ]

COLIN JOST: In the world of sports, the Boston Red Sox beat the Los Angeles Dodgers in the World Series. Easy. Easy. Here to comment is former Red Sox slugger, Big Papi himself, David Ortiz.

[ David Ortiz slides in to sit next to Colin at the news desk. He is wearing a Red Sox t-shirt. ]

David Ortiz: Yo, yo, yo, yo. Woooo! Como estas, el Jost? Ahh, those Red Sox son los campeones del mundo!

COLIN JOST: Yeah, that’s right, champions of the world!

David Ortiz: Shut up! You no translate!

COLIN JOST: Okay, I’m sorry. Sorry.

David Ortiz: The Red Sox won another World Series man. And you know how we celebrate in Boston?

COLIN JOST: You had a big parade, right?

David Ortiz: We had a big lunch.

COLIN JOST: There was a lunch?

David Ortiz: Yeah. The whole city eat a big Dominican lunch. With Big Papi!

COLIN JOST: And then, what sort of lunch…?

David Ortiz: [ Speaking in Spanish about the meal. He mentions steak and clam chili. ] And then for Halloween, we finish it all off with a slice of pumplikan pie.

COLIN JOST: I’m sorry, pumplikan?

David Ortiz: Yeah, that’s when a pelican eat a pumpkin, and then you eat the pelican. It’s a spooky.

COLIN JOST: Okay, and did you celebrate with the other players after the game?

David Ortiz: Oh yeah bro. Everyone in the locker room was spraying each other with something. I think you know what it is.

COLIN JOST: Oh, oh, mofongo?

David Ortiz: No. Champagne, man. Mofongo, man, don’t be racist.

COLIN JOST: Alright. Well the ratings for the World Series were down this year. Why do you think that is?

David Ortiz: Well, because nobody know who these Red Sox players are, man. But everybody knows Big Papi. Because I became a spokesman.

COLIN JOST: Oh yeah, that’s right. You do ads or a bunch of different products, right?

David Ortiz: No, no, no. I do ads for spokes. [ An advertisement for wheel spokes appears below David on the screen. ] ‘You got a wheel? But you don’t know how to connect it to your bike? Use spokes, man! They’re like tiny little crutches for your wheel.’

COLIN JOST: So that’s an ad just for the general idea of spokes?

David Ortiz: Yeah, man. It’s like the concept, bro. And I do ad for Apple Watch, too.

COLIN JOST: Apple Watch.

David Ortiz: [ And ad for Apple Watch appears below David on the screen. It is an image of an apple and then the word ‘watch.’ ] ‘Apple Watch. You go to watch your apples. Or a monkey is going to steal them. So use Apple Watch instead, use a gun.’

COLIN JOST: You protect your apples with a gun?

David Ortiz: Yeah, bro. You can eat apples with anything man. Monfongo. [ He names other dishes in what sounds like Spanish with a heavy Puerto Rican accent. ] Funnel Cake de salmon.

COLIN JOST: Wait, I’m sorry. Funnel Cake with salmon?

David Ortiz: Yeah, man. It make your dreams loco. Oh, and! Did you see my ad for bitcoin?

COLIN JOST: For bitcoin? No, no.

David Ortiz: [ An ad for Bitcoin appears below David on the screen. ] ‘You got a coin? But you don’t know if it’s gold or chocolate? Well if you bit coin, then you know.’ It’s what the pirates do in the movies, man. You know what I’m saying?

COLIN JOST: Yeah, yeah.

David Ortiz: And do you ever see the people who smoke the little vape pens?

COLIN JOST: Yeah, vape pens.

David Ortiz: Because I do an ad for Juul. [ An ad for Juul appears below David on the screen. ] ‘Juul. If you run around sucking on a vape pen, Juul look like a dumb ass, man.

COLIN JOST: Big Papi, everyone! Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

MICHAEL CHE: And I’m Michael Che, good night!

David Ortiz: Big Papi! Hey!

Caravan Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 4

Laura Ingraham…..Kate Mckinnon

Judge Jeanine Pirro…..Cecily Strong

David Clarke…..Kenan Thompson

[ Intro for The Ingraham Angle on Fox News. ] [ Cut to Laura Ingraham. ]

Laura: Good evening, I’m Laura Ingraham. And, just to quickly respond to all of my fan mail, ‘No, you’re an a-hole.’ Tonight, we’re live from the Arizona border, where a vicious caravan of dozens, maybe millions, of illegal immigrants is headed straight for you and your grandchildren. And that is not fear mongering, that is just [ Cut to an image of a scary zombie woman reaching for the viewer. A deep voice mutters ‘immigrants.’ ] the truth. Thankfully, we have a president who actually protects America. President Trump, seen her in a new official portrait, [ Cut to an image of Trump in raccoon skin hat, pasted onto a muscular shirtless body, carrying a machete knife, and wearing camouflage army pants. Behind him is painted various Mexicans in sombreros the US flag. ] has sent thousands of troops to the border to stop the caravan. Of course, the liberal media is trying to label President Trump, a racist. But except for his words and actions throughout his life, how is he racist? All of a sudden the term, “nationalist,” is bad. The word, “white,” is bad. The phrase, “white nationalist’, is bad. When I hear the phrase, ‘white nationalist”, I just think of a fun fourth of July barbecue. The kind you don’t have to call the cops on. Now let’s find out what’s really happening with this caravan. Joining me is the host of her own show here on Fox News, Judge Jeanine Pirro.

[ Cut to Jeanine Pirro. ]

Jeanine: It’s an absolute disgrace!

[ Cut to split screen interview between Laura and Jeanine. ]

Laura: What is?

Jeanine: Just whatever you’re talking about.

Laura: Now Judge Pirro, what have you heard about the caravan?

Jeanine: I haven’t just heard about it, I’ve seen it with my own eyes. Take a look at this footage of the caravan from earlier today.

[ Cut to a crowd of people rushing a Walmart on a Black Friday sale event. ] [ Cut back to the split screen interview. ]

Laura: My God. And that is real footage of the caravan?

Jeanine: It has to be real, I found it on Trutheagle.gun.

Laura: And who is in this caravan?

Jeanine: Everyone you ever seen in your nightmares, Laura. It’s got Guatemalans, Mexicans, ISIS, the Menendez Brothers, the 1990 Detroit Pistons, Thanos, and several babadooks.

Laura: And President Trump said there are Middle Eastern people as well?

Jeanine: No question, Laura. This caravan’s got hella Aladdins. They took the very common direct flight from Iran to Guatemala. They claimed their elephants as service animals and then rode them straight into Mexico. It makes almost too much sense.

Laura: And what will happen when they get here?

Jeanine: We’re in trouble, Laura. Just look at this footage of the caravan crossing into Mexico.

[ Cut to a clip from “World War Z” when the zombies start to climb over the wall, ending with a shot of Brad Pitt. ] [ Cut back to the interview. ]

Laura: That’s truly horrifying. Was that Brad Pitt?

Jeanine: Yes, that’s right. We believe he’s actually dating the caravan, which people have labeled, ‘Bradavan.’

Laura: That’s top-notch reporting, Jeanine.

Jeanine: I know!

Laura: Now I like to take a moment to thank my sponsors. All the wonderful companies that stuck with me after I attacked the survivors of the Parkland Shooting. So big thanks to warm ice cream. Is regular ice cream to cold for your sensitive teeth? Well, let us warm it up first. And from the makers of my pillow, my hemorrhoid donut. Everyone’s hemorrhoids are unique. Shouldn’t your donut be too? And of course, White Castle. A castle for whites? Yes, please. And don’t miss my colleague Brian Kilmeade’s new book, “Andrew Jackson and the Battle for Hillary’s Emails.” It’s an inspiring story. Now as we said, thousands of troops are heading for the border. The goal is to have five armed soldiers for every one shoeless immigrant child. Trump is calling it ‘Operation Eagle with a Huge Dong.’ Here with an inside look is former Milwaukee sheriff and Trump cheerleader, David Clarke. Sheriff, how are you?

[ Cut to David Clarke. ]

David: I’m popular among my own people.

Laura: And what is your take on the caravan?

 

David: Well the situation is urgent, Laura. The caravan is only 800 miles from our border. If these immigrants walk at a normal pace of 300 miles a day, they can be here in time to vote on election day.

Laura: And are they moving that quickly?

David: Well, let’s just take a look at this aerial footage of the caravan.

[ Cut to a clip of the migration of the Red Crabs of Christmas Island. ] [ Cut back to the interview, a split screen between Laura and David. ]

Laura: My God. And those are humans?

David: Basically, yeah. We’ve also learned that all the women in the caravan are more than nine months pregnant. And they’re holding the babies in till the exact moment when they cross the border. And then they are going to literally drop anchor. And the babies, get this, are pregnant.

Laura: Wow. And sheriff, I do have to press you on this. What are your sources?

David: Uh, the crows from Dumbo.

Laura: That checks out for me. Thank you, Sheriff Clarke. Now leading up to the midterms, there’s a lot of awful voter suppression going on. That’s why I’m proud to present a new segment called, “Fox News Tips for Black and Hispanic Voters.” I want to make sure your voices are heard, so…Tip one, never vote on Tuesdays. The crowds are the absolute worst on Tuesdays. Tip number two, ballots can be confusing. If you see an ‘R’ next to a name, that means really a Democrat. And the letter ‘D’ means, dats a Republican. And tip three, you already voted. You might not remember voting, but you did, so just relax. And those tips were brought to you by, Medical Sneakers. Jealous of your nurse’s style? Get medical sneakers. And American Jesus commemorative plates. See Jesus the way he really was [ Cut to an image of a plate with Jesus on it. Jesus is playing pool with a blonde woman in an American flag bikini. ] as an American. [ Cut back to Laura. ] Let’s take a break. When we come back, an update from disgraced former actor, Alec Baldwin, seen here molesting a young boy scout. [ Cut to an image from SNL’s 1994 skit, ‘Canteen Boy.’ Alec Baldwin and Adam Sandler are in the image. ] And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!!