Author: Ajay Kumar

Kanye Skechers Commercial

[Starts with video clips of people jogging]

Cecily: Here at Skechers, we pride ourselves on two things, making stylish comfortable shoes at an affordable price and having zero tolerance for anti semitism.

Bowen: That’s why earlier this week when Kanye West showed up at our corporate office asking to work with us, we said no.

Chloe: No way.

Marcello: No.

Punkie: No, thank you.

Bowen: And we immediately escorted him out of the building.

Cecily: Like the rest of the country, we were appalled by Kanye is horrific comments, and we vow to never work with him in any capacity. But can we also point out that of all the companies he could have approached and been rejected by, he chose Skechers. Skechers has always been a hip edgy company.

Punkie: Everyone knows that. So of course, Kanye came to us first.

Chloe: Kanye came to Skechers and Skechers said no. Do you realize how insanely satisfying that is?

Cecily: I guess you could say that Skechers employees are kind of heroes. Like Celie maybe.

Bowen: Two years ago, could you have imagined the headline “Skechers too good for Kanye”?

Cecily: I actually feel high. Like I think this is what cocaine feels like.

Punkie: Corporate was like, “We can’t work with Kanye West. He’s crazy now.” I was like, “Now?”

Cecily: It took Adidas so many days to decide not to work with him. I mean, he walked in and we were like, “Bye. Bye-bye. Door!”

Bowen: And sure Kanye and Skechers would have been a perfect partnership. He’s always been a disruptor in the fashion industry.

Marcello: And we invented shoes you can wash in a washing machine.

Bowen: But again, we would never partner with him.

Chloe: Never.

Cecily: Absolutely not.

Bowen: Besides, what would you even call a Kanye Skechers shoe anyway? The Skeezy? it’s actually not bad.

Marcello: But we’re not doing it.

Chloe: Right. Because of the anti semitism.

Cecily: I’m proud to work for Skechers. I mean, when’s the last time I’ve said that? All we want is for people to know where Skechers stands.

Chloe: And for a little recognition of how cool this makes us look.

Cecily: But it’s not all about us. It’s not like all birds is fighting the fight.

Bowen: Now I noticed we haven’t heard anything from Crocs not saying Crocs is anti semitic. I just think it’s interesting we haven’t heard from them.

Cecily: And if you want to tweet your support to Sketchers, just a reminder, there’s no ‘T’ in Sketchers. #SketchersHeroes. No ‘T’ in heroes either. But I think people know that.

Bowen: So thanks, but no thanks, Kanye.

Marcello: We don’t need you.

Chloe: We don’t stand with you.

Cecily: And we might mess up in the future. But we didn’t this time.

Bowen: And besides, I’m sure Kanye will find some morally dubious company to work with instead.

[Cut to My Pillow commercial]

Mike Lindell: He’s sure will. Hey, it’s me Mike Lindell, founder of My Pillow. And I’m proud to announce that we are starting ties with Kanye West. In fact, immediately.

Male voice: My Pillow, Sketcher’s trash is My Pillow’s treasure.

Joker Wedding

Patch… Jack Harlow

Dooney… Heidi Gardner

Pastor… James Austin Johnson

Clint… Andrew Dismukes

Becca… Chloe Fineman

Uncle Tag… Mikey Day

Grandma Judy… Sarah Sherman

Jeff Probst

Patch: And Dooney, no matter come hell or high water. I’m gonna love you till I got no more love to give, I swear that to you.

Dooney: Whatever.

Pastor: That was beautiful patch. Now if anyone here has reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.

Dooney: Yeah, got a reason.

Patch: Babe, what are you doing?

Dooney: Just saying I don’t know. I feel like marrying you no more on account of your best man came to our wedding dress like Joker.

[The best man is dressed up as Joker with make up and everything]

Clint: Y’all don’t like me dressed like Joker?

Dooney: No, Clint, I don’t like it. I know we’re getting married on Halloween night, but I don’t like it being dressed like Joker.

Clint: You’re getting married on Halloween night. I thought I could dress like Joker.

Patch: Clint, I told you multiple times, we wasn’t doing costumes at the wedding.

Clint: Yeah, but I told you I was gonna dress like Joker.

Patch: I know, but I said not to.

Clint: But I said I was gonna dress like Joker.

Patch: I know. But when you said you were gonna do that, I said do not do that.

Clint: Yeah, but I told you I was gonna dress like Joker.

Dooney: You ruined my wedding, Clint.

Clint: I ruined your whole wedding just because I’m dressed like Joker?

Dooney: Yes, Clint. When I was a little baby girl dreaming about my wedding, my husband’s best man wasn’t dressed like Joker.

Clint: I didn’t want to ruin your wedding, Dooney. I just want to dress like Joker.

Patch: Dooney, baby. Please, if Clint goes take off the Joker stuff right now, can we please still be bridegroom?

Dooney: Okay, then. If Clint goes stop being Joker, then we can still be bride and groom.

Patch: Yes, thank you baby. Clint, go to the bathroom now, take off all the Joker.

Clint: I won’t change out of Joker.

Patch: Come on, Clint, you’re my best friend. You know I’ve been wanting to marry Dooney ever since I saw her.

Clint: And you know everyone to dress like Joker ever since last Halloween when I saw a guy dressed like Joker. I said next year I’m gonna dress like Joker.

Dooney: But I don’t want you to be Joker no more, Clint.

Clint: Well, I do wanna be Joker, Dooney. I think everybody here should get to vote on if I get to be Joker, if I got to be not be Joker no more.

Patch: Fine. Well vote on it.

Dooney: No, Patch.

Patch: Well, he’s right Dooney. If everybody else wants him still be Joker, he should get to still be Joker.

Dooney: Well then, I guess I don’t want to be bride and groom no more.

Patch: I do want to be bride and groom with you, Dooney, more than anything in this here earth. But we’re getting married on Halloween now. We got to respect that some people go show up dressed like Joker. We lucky we only got one Joker. This place is going to be crawling with Jokers, Dooney.

Pastor: It’s settled then. By the power vested in me by the State of Kentucky, we will now vote on Joker.

Patch: Alright. Cousin Becca, do you think Clint should or should not get to still be Joker?

Becca: Clint, I understand that is Halloween night, and on Halloween night you should get to be Joker.

Clint: Thank you.

Becca: But if Dooney don’t want you to be Joker so much that she won’t marry Patch no more, then my vote is you should not get to be Joker.

Patch: Thank you cousin Becca. Uncle Tag, are you pro Joker or no Joker?

Uncle Tag: Dooney, there is nothing more I want than for you and my little nephew to be bride and groom.

Dooney: Me too, uncle Tag.

Uncle Tag: However, given that it is Halloween night, the one night a year in which everyone is allowed to be Joker, I vote that Clint should continue to be Joker.

Patch: Grandma Judy, it’s down to you. Should Clint or should not Clint continue to be Joker at our wedding?

Grandma Judy: Dooney, you make the most beautiful bride I have ever seen.

Dooney: Thank you, Grandma Judy, that’s so sweet.

Grandma Judy: And Clint, you know I never liked you. You are a skunk and an alcoholic. But I’ll be damned if you don’t exactly look like Joker.

Clint: Thank you Grandma Judy. I will cherish that.

Patch: Grandma Judy, have you made your decision?

Grandma Judy: I have.

Patch: Okay, then survivors Jeff Probst, please share the results.

[cheers and applause]

Jeff Probst: Dooney, the tribe has spoken. [pulls out a sheet of paper from a pot] Clint gets to be Joker.

Dooney: No.

Jeff Probst: You need to bring me a torch. Congratulations, Clint, you get to be Joker.

Clint: Whoo! Jeff Probst said I get to be Joker. Let’s go, boy.

Jack Harlow Monologue

Jack Harlow

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Jack Harlow.

[Jack Harlow walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Jack Harlow: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. This is incredible. My name is Jack Harlow and it’s been a big year for me. I put out my second album. I went on a world tour. I just shot my first movie White Men Can’t Jump. And a lot of people have been saying I’m the GOAT. They don’t mean greatest of all time, they mean that one from Narnia.

Yeah, I don’t know what it is about me but people on the internet, they liked the roast me. I don’t mind I think it’s funny. One guy said I don’t know why y’all think Jack Harlow is so special, you can find somebody who looks like him at any local gas station. I’ve heard them say I look like if you tried to draw Justin Timberlake from memory. I think my favorite one might be Jack Harlow looks like the guy who rips the tickets in half the movie theaters. Do y’all agree?

There’s also a strange amount of rumors about me. Some people think I’m only 5’10’, stop it. Other people think I was created by the CIA? No telling. Some people have even gone as far as to accuse me of being white.

I seen a lot of kids running around dressed as me for Halloween too. And I just want to say like cut it out because my culture is not a costume. I’ve also heard people try to romantically link me and little NAS X’s item. But I’m going to tell you right now. No, everything that happened between us was casual and consensual, and one of the best nights of my entire life. Working with him. Working with him.

You know? What’s really crazy though, is that this show is live. Like, really live. It’s one of the last real live shows. Basically, it’s just this in the office. So… I can really do anything right now. Like technically, no one can stop me. I don’t even have to stay on the stage. In fact, I think I’d like to leave this stage.

[gets a mic from someone]

Thank you.

[walks to the audience]

What’s your name?

Mikayla: Mikayla.

Jack Harlow: Everybody, give it up for Mikayla please.

[cheers and applause]

Is there anything, with the world watching, you’d like to say?

Mikayla: Huge Jack Harlow fan.

Jack Harlow: Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Thank you so much. Everyone says to give it up for Mikayla. Wow.

[walks back to the stage]

That’s beautiful. I just want to give a shout out to my family. My mom and dad are here tonight. My grandparents are here tonight. I’m so grateful for you. Y’all are the reason I get to stand on this stage and say- We have a great show for you tonight. I’m here. Stick around, we’ll be right back.

Horror Movie Trailer

[Starts with Mikey and Chloe watching movie at night]

Mikey: I’m gonna get some more popcorn. You want some?

Chloe: Sure.

Male voice: Sometimes a familiar face can be the most terrifying.

Speaker on TV: In political news, President Biden has said he intends to run for reelection in 2024.

Chloe: No.

Male voice: You trusted him once.

Mikey: I know he’s a little old, but he could still win. Right? He beat Trump

Chloe: But can he beat DeSantis?

Mikey: I don’t know. [screaming] I don’t know.

Male voice: Can you trust him again?

Punkie: [researching on the internet] He’s 79 now. Election is in two years. So that means— [Punkie does the calculation and gets scared with the result]

Male voice: When it feels like nothing’s going right.

Bowen: Gas prices are still kind of high.

Male voice: Even though it kind of is.

Chloe: Why are we so worried? He’s done so much. Student debt relief. Holding NATO together. Infrastructure bill.

Mikey: But he fell off his bike once.

[The TV turns on by itself. There plays a vide of Joe Biden falling off his bike.]

[everyone is screaming]

Heidi: Wait. According to this article, he’s not actually going to run in 2024. He’s just saying he is to present a united front before the midterms.

Punkie: What a relief.

Bowen: Yeah. I mean, I love the guy but he did his part.

Chloe: If Biden’s not gonna run, who will?

Male voice: Just when you thought the terror was over.

Bowen: [panicking] I don’t know. I don’t know. Kamala?

Chloe: [slaps Bowen] Wake up.

Male voice: You realize it’s just beginning.

Bowen: There’s gotta be someone.

Heidi: Cory Booker.

Chloe: He’s corny.

Heidi: Mayor Pete?

Chloe: [holding Heidi tight] Listen to yourself.

Male voice: The producers of Smile and the twisted minds of Morning Joe.

[door knocking]

[Everyone looks at the door but no one goes to open it. Someone slides in ‘Beto 2024’ brochure.]

Punkie: Guys.

[Theres ‘Bernie’ written on the wall with blood]

Chloe: Not again.

Mikey: [looking at the wall] [in scary voice] I have the perfect candidate.

Chloe: Babe?

Mikey: A superstar who can go all the way. [He turns around. He’s got blood in his mouth.] Hillary.

[everyone is screaming]

Male voice: Sometimes, your best option.

Mikey: I’m with her. I’m with her. I’m with her.

Male voice: Is the one you fear the most.

Chloe: There has to be someone.

Bowen: Biden maybe? Are we back to Biden?

Punkie: Yeah, I like Biden.

Chloe: Yeah, Biden. So, Biden?

Mikey: Biden’s great. Right? He’s Biden.

Male voice: 2020 Part 2, 2024, coming in 2023.

Halloween Red Carpet Show

Tina Lefaye… Cecily Strong

Dean Dumont… Mikey  Day

[Starts with video clips of people walking around in Halloween costumes]

Male voice: Live from the sidewalk, it’s the post Halloween red carpet special.

[Cut to Tina]

Tina: Welcome, everyone. I’m Tina Lefaye. It’s 2:53AM on Halloween night and the streets are absolutely packed with adults in costumes, leaving bars and parties and trying to figure out how to get back to where they live. And the stars are out tonight. Aren’t they Dean?

Dean: They sure are, Tina. [there’s a person wearing dinosaur costume walking like he’s drunk behind Dean]In fact, look who’s already here. A drunk guy in an inflatable dinosaur costume. And I think he’s gonna fall and get hurt.

[the guy in dinosaur costume falls down]

There it is. Tina?

Tina: Well, Dean, I’m here with an absolute icon of the post Halloween scene. [Chloe is looking around for her Uber] A wasted white girl who can’t find her Uber.

Chloe: I am here. Where are you?

Tina: Now Miss, I see you’re holding your shoes instead of wearing them. Can I ask why?

Chloe: Blizzards. [on phone] Dude, oh my god, speak Eng-gish.

Tina: Oh-oh, things are getting racist here. So Dean, back to you.

Dean: All right. I’m here with another late night Halloween star. A guy who is upset people didn’t appreciate his costume.

[There’s a guy wearing a suit who has a palm stuck on his cheek]

Devon: Look, man, I’ll a “Slap Chris Rock” It’s funny. This is a genius costume, man. Whatever. People are dumb.

Dean: Okay, amazing. Tina.

Tina: Okay, now I rarely get starstruck. But just beside me is a staple of post Halloween everywhere. It’s a guy who really wants you to ask about his costume. So I see you claim to be the scariest thing in the world. And what is that?

Marcello: The patriarchy. [showing back of his t-shirt]

Tina: And I see patriarchy is spelled wrong. Now, you clearly hope this costume would get you laid. Has it worked?

Marcello: No. But uh, the night is young.

Tina: Hard pass. Dean.

Dean: Tina, we were hoping he’d show up tonight. And he has it’s a frat guy dressed as a giant tampon.

Jack: What up? Sigma.

Dean: Sigma. How are you tonight?

Jack: I’m chillin, bro. Sigma.

Dean: All right, sigma. Now I have to ask, how has the costume gone over?

Jack: I mean, the vibe I’m getting is like people were chill, laughter at us. Like, women who are like smart are disgusted by me.

Dean: Okay. And what’s next for you tonight?

Jack: I’ll probably get in some legal trouble or something. But my dad will handle that for me. So.. You know where I can score some coke?

Dean: I’m sorry. I don’t. Tina.

Tina: Not the last time we’ll be asked if we know where to get coke tonight. Now I’m here with a real highlight of the post Halloween scene. A guy who was in a group costume but lost his friends.

Bowen: My friends and I went as the village peoplem but I can’t find them. And now, everyone thinks I’m a real cop. I’m not. This is a squirt gun. It’s filled with tequila. I need my friends. Where are my friends?

Tina: Yikes. Dean?

Dean: Well, we heard a rumor she’d be making an appearance. It’s an impossibly drunk Dora the Explorer. And this was fun. She so- Whoa! Ha-ha. She’s so faded. She’s only saying one thing and it has absolutely nothing to do with her costume.

Dora: Tom Brady.

Dean: One more time.

Dora: Tom Brady.

Dean: All right. And why are you saying Tom Brady?

Dora: Tom Brady.

Dean: Okay, well, best of luck tonight. And I hope you find your pants. Tina.

Tina: Okay. Well, I don’t think he’s going to stop. But behind me you can see the sober middle aged man who is trying to walk his dog.

Sober man: Excuse me. Excuse me. People live here. Thank you.

Tina: Dean.

Dean: Well, here’s something you don’t normally see at 3AM. It’s a dad who clearly forgot to take his kid trick or treating earlier.

Kenan: Yeah, go and ask him for some candy.

Dean: Oh, I’m sorry. I don’t have any. Can I ask? Why you have a child out at three in the morning?

Kenan: You can ask Sheila. She texted me at 8PM saying I’m dropping them off. And I say not my weekend, Sheila. I’m getting my drink on right now, Sheila. And she says it is your weekend, which turned out it actually was. Anyway, we are here so it’s fine.

Dean: Okay, now what’s your child dressed as?

Kenan: Oh, he had Chipotle bag.

Dean: Wow, look at that. That’s so cool, buddy. Yeah. Oh, wow, Tina.

Tina: Wow, indeed. Well, we have to take a break. But we have so much more ahead, including trying to figure out if the guy behind me is dressed as Dahmer, or is an actual pervert.

Dean: I vote for pervert. Plus more with our bad dad.

Kenan: Hey, man. I’m a good dad. You know where I can get some coke?

Dean: I do not. Keep it right here.

David Pumpkins Returns

Ego Nwodim

Andrew Dismukes

Jack Harlow

David Pumpkins… Tom Hanks

The skeletons… Bobby Moynihan, Mikey Day

[Starts with people waiting outside a door]

Ego: Finally, I can’t believe we had to wait an hour and a half for a stupid ride.

Andrew: I can. Cellblock 666 is supposed to be the scariest ride in Fright Nights history.

Jack: Yeah. There’s all these TikToks people passing out and puking and stuff. If I pass out, don’t help me. Film it. And post it. Please.

[the door opens]

Kenan: Hello and hell-come to Cellblock 666 right this way.

[they walk in and take seats]

Ego: Oh my god. I’m already scared.

Kenan: You are about to embark on a terrifying tour of this petrifying prison, where each sale holds iconic frights from the silver scream. Let the tour begin. We are approaching our first stop. Time to meet the sin mates. Ha-ha-ha. Open Cell 600.

[The cell door opens. Jason just killed a nurse by stabbing. The door closes.]

Jack: Yo, Michael Morris just made me lowkey jump. This ride is awesome.

Kenan: Only time will hell. The next cell is upon us. Open cell 661

[The cell door opens. There’s Annabelle.]

Annabelle: My name is Annabelle. Can you play with me?

[Annabelle starts running towards the door. The door closes.]

Ego: No. I hate Annabelle. I can’t wait that little bitch.

Jack: I really might pass out for real. Have you phones ready.

Kenan: You’ll never be ready for the horror that you’ll find in cell 662.

[The cell door opens. There’s David Pumpkins and the two skeletons.]

[cheers and applause]

David Pumpkins: I am David Pumpkins. And I’m going to scare you stupid.

[Music stars playing. David Pumpkins and the skeletons start dancing.]

Any questions?

[The door closes]

Kenan: Are you shaking in your boots?

Andrew: No. I’ve seen like every horror movie ever and none of them had David pumpkins in it.

Jack: True, but I was kind of feeling David pumpkins though. Nice change of pace.

Kenan: Silence. A new terror awaits. Open cell 663.

[The cell door opens. There’s Pennywise]

Pennywise: New balloon too. Aha-ha-ha-ha.

[The door closes]

Andrew: Yeah, see? Pennywise make sense because he was in a horror movie.

Ego: Babe, it’s just a ride.

Andrew: I just want it to be consistent.

Kenan: Shh. The next segment is dying to meet you. Open cell 664.

[The cell door opens. There’s again, David Pumpkins and the two skeletons.]

David Pumpkins: Miss me?

Andrew: No, who are you?

David Pumpkins: I’m David Pumpkins, man.

Andrew: Right. David pumpkins from?

David Pumpkins: Before.

Andrew: We know.

Ego: I think he just wants to know what your deal is. Like, Annabelle is a possessed doll. David Pumpkins is?

David Pumpkins: Taking it one day at a time.

Andrew: And the skeletons are?

The skeletons: Next to him.

David Pumpkins: Now, watch this.

[Music stars playing. David Pumpkins and the skeletons start dancing.]

What’s my name?

The skeletons: David S Pumpkins.

David Pumpkins: And where am I from?

The skeletons: Ibiza.

[The door closes]

Andrew: Si, mucho. He’s from Spain? He doesn’t even have an accent.

Jack: Yo, he said it was from there. It doesn’t mean he grew up there. Let him write his own story.

Andrew: Stop taking David Pumpkin’s side, dude.

Ego: David S Pumpkins, babe.

Kenan: Shh. Our next up is dead ahead. Open cell 665.

[The cell opens. There’s Freddy.]

Freddy: The star of your nightmares is indeed David Pumpkins.

[David Pumpkins and the skeletons walk in dancing]

[The door closes]

Jack: Yo, I didn’t see David Pumpkins coming, man. That was fire.

Andrew: Why are you so on board with David Pumpkins?

Ego: Babe, just ignore him.

Andrew: I can’t. He’s most of this ride. Sir, why is there so much David pumpkins in this?

Kenan: Hey Look man, we spend a lot of money on Pennywise and Freddy Kruger, okay? There wasn’t a lot of money room left in the budget. Now set it up. We hear the infamous cell 666.

[The cell door opens. There are the skeletons but not David Pumpkins.]

Andrew: Okay, why is it just you guys now?

The skeletons: Don’t worry about it.

[Music starts playing. The skeletons are dancing.]

Happy Halloween from us.

[David Pumpkin is standing behind the three of them]

David Pumpkin: And me.

Andrew: Oh my god.

Bartenders

Cecily Strong

Kenan Thompson

Michael Longfellow

Heidi Gardner

Duke… Bowen  Yang

Earl… Jack Harlow

Marcello Hernandez

[starts with two couples sitting in a restaurant]

Cecily: I’m so excited to try this place. It got a great review in San Diego magazine.

Kenan: Well, I am starving.

Heidi: Well, all we need as a waiter, so I’m getting my block on.

Duke: Hello. Hello. Hello. Welcome to Casita. My name is Duke St. Shoots.

Earl: And I am Earl Twirl Jazz.

Kenan: Nice. Wow. Well, we’d love to start with some tableside gua—

Duke: Oh, we’re out of avocado, cilantro and red onion unfortunately.

Earl: However, we are Horne up to prepare your flight of tableside cocktails this evening.

Cecily: My friend told me about this. They make drinks right at your table.

Kenan: Oh well I think we just want food.

Duke: No, solids can wait. Our first cocked, a classic screwdriver with flair. Head it.

[Sam Smith’s Fire on Fire playing]

[Duke and Earl dancing with bottles making drinks]

Cecily: Well, that was fun.

Kenan: Yeah. And you missed the glasses a lot.

Earl: Next we will make you a custom beverage.

Heidi: Oh, I don’t drink.

Earl: Oh, then we can make you a Vagido?

Heidi: What is a Vagido?

Earl: A Virgin Vagido.

Michael: Do they mean Mojito?

Duke: Cocked number two, hit it.

[Sam Smith’s Fire on Fire playing]

[Duke and Earl dancing with bottles making drinks]

Kenan: All right. Really? Really working those napkins.

Michael: Are we supposed to catch those?

Heidi: Yeah, that wasn’t even virgin. I saw you put rum in it.

Cecily: at least we got to hear that song again.

Earl: Shout out to our DJ.

Duke: Yeah, he’s a busboy with the aux cord.

Marcello: Everyone in here is lucky as hell.

Cecily: Okay, fine. You know what I’ll have? Your pay. A Negroni Sbagliato with Prosecco in it.

Earl: We don’t make those.

Duke: Yeah, we don’t bend to lesbian TikTok.

Marcello: Ayo, Duke, Earl, make them a Long Brown.

Kenan: What on earth is a long brown?

Earl: Gin and Nesquick.

Duke: Cocked number three. Hit it.

[Sam Smith’s Fire on Fire playing]

[Duke and Earl dancing with bottles making drinks]

[they break all the glasses]

Doesn’t matter. Doesn’t matter at all. Doesn’t matter. You guys okay?

Kenan: It actually does matter. There’s glass everywhere.

Earl: Okay, wow. Y’all haven’t changed a bit.

Heidi: Excuse me.

Duke: Maybe you’ll remember us now.

[acts like they’re pulling off moustache]

Cecily: You weren’t wearing moustache.

Duke: Oh, we forgot to bring them. We forgot to put them on. But we served you and 2017. we made you all delicious margaritas and you said “This isn’t a margarita. It’s a Mountain Dew.”

Michael: Oh right. You guys immediately started crying.

Earl: The point is you lit a fire under us.

Duke: And we trained for five years to come back here and prove to you that we are the best bartenders in the world. For cocked number four, mashed avocado with cilantro and red onion.

Earl: Bur first—

Kenan: So you do have guac?

Earl: Mouth Vagidos.

Duke: Hey!

[Sam Smith’s Fire on Fire playing]

[Duke and Earl dancing with bottles making drinks]

AA Meeting

Spencer… Michael Longfellow

Bowen Yang

Jesse… Jack Harlow

Jackie… Molly Kearney

[Starts with a group of people on AA meeting]

Spencer: And that’s when I looked in the mirror and I didn’t see myself anymore. It’s that guy who steals from his own mother for another bottle of booze. But I’m grateful for 90 days with no drink.

Bowen: Thank you so much, Spencer. All right, who else would like to share that? Jesse, how about you? You’ve been coming for a while and you’ve never shared with group?

Jesse: Well, it was something I’ve been thinking about for a while.

Bowen: Please. You can tell this group anything.

Jesse: Okay, here it goes. I have the perfect idea for Pixar movie.

Bowen: What’s that?

Jesse: A concept for a touching computer animated film. It’s about lost luggage trying to find his way home.

Bowen: Alright, well, I let’s just stay on the topic of recovery. Does anyone else want to share. Jackie?

Jackie: Jackie, alcoholic.

All: Hi, Jackie.

Jackie: On Tuesday, I drove through a liquor store and— I’m sorry. [asking Jesse] So the suitcase is all it personalities?

Jesse: Yeah. And the zippers are their mouths. I actually mocked up some artwork. [showing the suitcase characters] So this guy’s main character. He’s like a regular everyday suitcase. And then you got the briefcase guy. He’s a little uptight, but he’s funny.

Jackie: That’s Jason Bateman.

Jesse: I literally wrote that in a Google Doc.

Chloe: Oh, and there’s a gym bag. Don’t tell me his name is Jim.

Jesse: It literally is.

Kenan: And maybe there could be like a lady suitcase who’s got like, I don’t know, boobs.

Spencer: What would that even look like?

Kenan: Oh? Well, I did mock up some artwork just now myself. [showing a picture he drew of a suitcase with boobs]

Chloe: Oh. And maybe there’s a minion type character like a neck pillow that goes like – [making minion noise]

Jesse: You’re in the movie.

Spencer: Whoa. Can I be in the movie?

Jesse: No, but get this. There’s this other bag, Pierre. He’s like a fancy French bag, stickers from all over the world, acts all cultured like he’s better than them.

Kenan: I hate that bag.

Jesse: Right. But listen, halfway through, this bag gives an emotional speech where he opens up. Kind of like us right now. I drank recently by the way.

Bowen: What?

Jesse: Anyway, the bag goes, “Sure I’ve been to Paris, Milan, Tokyo but I’ve only ever been to the airports and the hotels. I’ve never really seen these places.” But then, as the credits roll, we see Polaroids from all these famous landmarks. The bags took pair to finally see the world.

Kenan: I love that bag now.

Cecily: What about the song?

Bowen: What?

Cecily: All these movies have some kind of big songs so they could sing at the Oscars.

Jesse: She’s right. But what would it sound like?

Cecily: I don’t know. [someone brings her a piano] Maybe something like—

[playing piano]

[singing]

When you lost your way
and you’re far from home
take faith and new friends
because you’re not alone

and pack yourself with love
everybody’s gotta pack yourself with love

Spencer: Your heel maybe broke
but you can’t give up hope

All: You gotta pack yourself with love

Bowen: I guess the last question is who’s gonna play the main suitcase? Or every man? Or Woody?

[Tom Hanks walks in]

Tom Hanks: Where’s the AA?

[cheers and applause]

I’m Tom H. Here just to research a role and also I may be an alcoholic.

Jesse: Yo, Tom, if you were a suitcase, what would your catchphrase be?

Tom Hanks: Oh, suitcase? Well, I guess would be something like – “That really snags my zipper!”

Bowen: You got the part!

All: [singing] Pack yourself with love

Workout Class

Ego Nwodim

Bowen Yang

Megan Thee Stallion

Keely… Heidi Gardner

Kelly K… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with Ego entering a gym. There are other people working out in there.]

Ego: Hey, excuse me. Is this Butt Day at Studio Thick Thighs and Nasty Romp?

Bowen: If it’s 9AM on a Thursday, then yeah.

Ego: Well, it’s 10 on Saturday.

Bowen: Oh. We know it’s asked and you’ll love the teacher. Everyone calls her Sargent Cake.

Ego: Oh, great. Because I’m getting married in a month and I’m trying to drag a wagon down the aisle.

Megan: Attention. For those of you who want to get that booty booty booty booty rocking everywhere, you came to the right place.  We want to get those booties ready for Halloween. Whether you’re dressing up as a sexy witch with a fat ass or a first responder with a fat ass.. Or even Jeffrey Dahmer with a— You know what I’m about to say.

All: Fat ass.

Megan: Alright. Time to sweat. Now, let’s start off in a squat and pump and pump. Now remember, with big ass comes big responsibility. If you need a modified version, turn your eyes to Keely and Kelly K.

Keely: That’s right. Any of you looking to not get a butt today, look our way. I’m Keely and that’s Kelly K. And we don’t have butts.

Kelly K: That’s right. We go from back to leg.

Keely: Y’all ever drive from Kansas to Iowa? That’s our ass.

Ego: Oh my God. They literally have no buts.

Bowen: Yeah, it’s like actually spooky.

Megan: Hey, not everybody has been butt blessed. So if you wanna go over and see Keely and Kelly K, I won’t be offended.

Ego: No. I truly want my wedding dress seems to be splitting.

Megan: Okay, well, now I’m about to end this class before we go to bed and sit on your ass. Now drop low. Drop it low. Drop it low.

Keely: And once again for my flat butt army, drop it high. Drop it high. Drop it high.

Megan: Big booty hoes, wiggle with that, wiggle with that.

Kelly K: Tiny booty hoes, get little with it, get little with it. Little, little, little, little. Sag the ass, release the tension. Sag the ass, release the tension.

Sarah: Sag the ass? I’m paying $40 to sag the ass?

Bowen: What is that even accomplishing?

Megan: Alright. For you big bum bitches, it’s time to get those wastes out. And I don’t want to see you grabbing quarter pounders. I want to see you slanging 10 pounders.

Keely: Every pancake nation, grab your weights which are your own thumbs and drop it low, drop it low. Get sexy with it. Drop it low.

Megan: Alright, my apple bottoms, grab your knees and work it. Grab your knees and working.

Kelly K: And for my weak little girlies, grab your partner and punch them in the butt. She’s your best friend, so smash that ass down.

Ego: That can’t be a real exercise.

Bowen: Yeah, I’m really regretting purchasing this a year in advance.

Megan: Alright. It seems like some of y’all getting tempted to leave me for tortilla booty worldwide over there. I mean, look how cure those little panini girls are.

Kelly K: Attention. Ham slice legion, light it up.

Keely: Oh, oh, light it up. That’s right my baby bootays. If you feel our micro cheeks bump bump your back, you’re in the gang. Cheek cheek, your in the gang. Cheek cheek, your in the gang.

Sarah: Stop. You guys are like, wiping your asses on us dead real.

Ego: Ah-ah-ah, don’t even think about it. I’ll sue your flat ass.

Megan: Come on, y’all. Be nice. Keely and Kelly K are my friends. They took my class for six years.

Ego: Then you should give them their money back.

Keely: Wow. And the body shaming continues. But you’re right. We have ugly flat butts. Sorry we’re not Kardas-skins (Kardashians).

Kelly K: Our backsides are basically paper plates. We weren’t gifted with the genetics of Iggy Amellia (Iggy Azelea).

Keely: Maybe we should just leave.

Megan: No. Your depleted whoopy cushions aren’t going anywhere. In fact, I’m going to let you lead the class and erase all these asses.

Keely and Kelly K: Thanks Sargent Cake.

Kelly K: Hit our music

Keely: And if you think this is a Pirates of the Caribbean music, you’re totally right. Now…

Weekend Update- Debbie Hole and Stacey Bussy on Disney’s Hocus Pocus 2

Michael Che

Debbie Hole… Chloe Fineman

Stacy Bussy… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with Michael Che on his set]

Michael Che: This week of Facebook post urging moms to avoid Disney’s reboot of Hocus Pocus went viral. Here to discuss their concerns about the film are two mothers from Texas, Debbie Hole and Stacy Bussy.

Stacey: Hi, Michael Che.

Michael Che: So ladies, what’s so bad about Hocus Pocus?

Debbie: Okay, a bunch of witches harvesting children, running amok?

Stacey: Oh, witches snacking on my kids. Not under my house.

Michael Che: It’s just a silly kids movie.

Stacey: Michael Che, we don’t need a movie where kids souls are getting sucked off. We don’t need to see Matt Mendler wearing big old tee.

Debbie: It’s satanic.

Stacey: Okay, worst case scenario, it could unleash hell

Debbie: Um-hmm. Imagine that. Okay? I’m sorry. You just imagine that your home [yelling] with hell in it.

Stacey: Yeah. Satan walking around, erect. Is that what you want, Michael Che?

Debbie: I’m sorry. Is it Michael Che? Satan in your living room? Hard as a rock?

Michael Che: No, that’s not what I want, Debbie Hole. But don’t you think you’re missing out on some of the fun parts of Halloween?

Stacey: Oh, there’s nothing fun about Halloween.

Michael Che: What about candy?

Debbie: Satanic.

Michael Che: What candy is satanic?

Stacey: Sour Patch Kids. Think about it. We’re feeding kids kids? Making a bunch of army hammers?

Debbie: Oh, and do not get me started on Skittles.

Michael Che: Okay, I won’t.

Stacey: Oh, you gotta start it. You gotta start it. Okay. Taste the Rainbow? Demonic. I’m gonna say this. Any vending machine with Skittles in it, that’s a glory hole for devil.

Debbie: Gushers? Ew.

Stacey: Everlasting Gobstopper? So suck till I’m dead? No.

Michael Che: Oh, so you guys are just crazy.

Debbie: I’m sorry. Crazy about family, church and laughter.

Stacey: Yes. You know what? I swear even talking about those make me nervous. Okay, you open your mouth long enough, a demon will sweep in it. [Debbie acts like she’s possessed] What did I say??

Michael Che: You alright?

Stacey: Dude, no. She got a demon in her. She probably caught it here in S-in-hell (SNL). I’m gonna have to talk to him. Debbie, Debbie, Debbie. We sold a lot of leggings to be here, girl. I swear to god, Debbie, if a bunch of rats come in here and start building your throne, I’m leaving New York. Hey, Debbie, I’m gonna need you to put a collar on Satan and take him back to hell. Can you do that for me? Can you do that, Debbie K. Hole?

Debbie: Oh, and I’m back. That was a little fun, I’m not gonna lie. In conclusion, witches are the worst. Say no to Hocus Pocus, and we gotta go.

Stacey: Yeah.

Michael Che: Where are you going?

Stacey: We got tickets to wicket.

Michael Che: Debbie Hole and Stacey Bussy, everyone.