Category: 2021

NFL on Fox

Joe Buck… James Austin Johnson

Troy Aikman… Owen Wilson

Erin Andrews… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with Fox NFL intro]

Joe Buck: Welcome back to Dallas where the starting of the second half, it’s Cowboys 10 and Carolina 14. And Troy, this capacity crowd has been treated to a great one.

Troy Aikman: For they sure have. Remember, with mic’ed up Dallas running back, Ezekiel Elliott, you’ll be hearing that as soon as he says something we can put on TV.

Joe Buck: Sounds great. But before the second half begins, Thursday night’s just got a whole lot more interesting. “Crazy House”, because home is where the cray-cray stay, 9:30,8:30 Central.. It sounds like it’s gonna be pretty crazy.

Troy Aikman: You know what? You know what show I really like? Dwight Schrute. Remember that one?

Joe Buck: Yes. I think you mean “The Office”.

Troy Aikman: Yes, yes. That’s it. That was a good one. That Dwight guy. I just never knew what he was going to do. Crazy.

Joe Buck: The Cowboys kickoff to start the half, recepted by Erickson, and he stopped at 26.

Troy Aikman: Oh no. Oh-oh! Looks like we got a man down. Is that Will? Oh gosh. It’s Williams.

Joe Buck: Indeed. He’s holding his leg. Well, while we have a moment, Thursday’s about to get a whole lot crazier because its double the crazy, Crazy House. Two back to back episodes of Fox’s new fall family hit. Crazy house is the story of McKenna, Mckayla and Suave. Three influencers who have inherited the craziest house in Chicago. Home is where the cray-cray stay, slay, 9:30,8:30 Central.

Troy Aikman: Hey, quick question. How is Suave spelled? Is it written fanatically or is it some kind of weird Spanish symbol?

Joe Buck: You know what Troy? Let’s not guess. Let’s go down to Erin Andrews, who’s on the sidelines. Erin.

[Erin Andrews is with the sideline players]

Erin Andrews: Guys, Derek Williams is still down. No word yet but I’ll have the report as soon as we hear.

fJoe Buck: Thanks Erin. [listening to his headset] Oh, I’m just getting this. Has this ever happened to you? You and your influencer friends are in the coolest road trip ever. As you record a TikTok in every national park when suddenly you get a letter from extensive billionaire, Theodore Crazy.

Troy Aikman: Wait. So, they’re not crazy. The house is owned by a guy named Crazy?

Joe Buck: Yea, apparently so. Yes. Now, McKenna, McKayla and Suave are the new lords and ladies of Crazy House. Crazy House, you know we had to ‘did it on them’.

Troy Aikman: I don’t think that’s how you say that.

Joe Buck: I just read what they gave me. Erin, we’d love to get an update on that injury.

Troy Aikman: Hold on. Did I see that one in the Crazy House folks is a puppet?

Joe Buck: Oh, I suppose so.

Troy Aikman: Now, who do you think it probably is? Suave, right?

Joe Buck: Well, let’s not guess. Let’s not guess. They’re taking a lot of time to get Williams update. Phil? [listening to his headset] Oh, okay. Thursday isn’t ready for this flex. [Cut to Crazy House commercial. There are two girls and a red puppet with white horns in the commercial.] Watch what happens when three friends inherit the house of their dreams with one catch – they must use it to fight for social justice. It’s Crazy House. This week, McKenna, McKayla the monster and Suave are joined by special guest, DaBaby. Crazy House. It’s a vibe.

Troy Aikman: Okay now, DaBaby? What did he do? He did something, right? Did he have to quit basketball because he’s afraid of the vaccine?

Joe Buck: Actually, I think DaBaby is in the music industry.

Troy Aikman: Oh, okay. But wait, there was a movie where a baby’s wearing a suit. Is that him? I think it’s called “Boss Bitch” or– Is that?

Joe Buck: Troy, please. Let’s not guess. Oh! Thank goodness. Looks like Erin has a news for us.

[Cut to Erin Andrews]

Erin Andrews: Actually, I don’t. I just had a question about Crazy House. Did I just see Stacey Abrams with the monster puppet?

Joe Buck: Yeah, I think so.

Troy Aikman: Okay, she’s like the Dwight Schrute of the show?

Erin Andrews: And how are they fighting for social justice using the million dollar house?

Joe Buck: It says here, Theodore Crazy gives them points.

Troy Aikman: What points? Like, a reality show. So, you can get 10 points if you march for Black Lives Matter?

Joe Buck: Troy, once again, let’s not guess. Instead, let’s take a break. And we’ll be back with more Dallas Carolina here at Fox.

Erin Andrews: Wait, McKayla is the monster puppet?

 

Mail in Testing Service

Shawn… Owen Wilson

Aristotle Athari

Mark… Andrew Dismukes

Dorothy… Sarah Sherman

Mailman… Chris Redd

[Starts with Shawn setting up his set]

Shawn: Come on! Let’s move those soft light over there an and then we’re gonna lock up set.

Aristotle: Shawn, the clients are here.

Shawn: Great. Bring them in. Okay, here we go.

[Mark and Dorothy walk in. They both are doctors.]

Yes, Mr. and Mrs. Robinson. Welcome to your commercial.

Dorothy: Wow, you guys got a professional setup over here.

Mark: Yes, very impressive.

Shawn: Thank you. And these are your marks right here. You’re just gonna stand there and all I need you to do is speak right to the camera.

Mark: Sounds great.

Dorothy: Love that. Can do.

Shawn: Let’s shoot this puppy. Quite on set.

[Aristotle walks in with a clapperboard]

Aristotle: Okay, Robinson’s Main-In stool testing. Take one.

Shawn: And action!

Dorothy: Hi. I’m Dr. Dorothy Robinson and this is my husband Dr. Mark.

Mark: Hello.

Dorothy: Stool testing can provide advanced diagnosis of harmful diseases and genetic pre-dispositions.

Mark: And with our mail-in kit, you’ll be able to test your stool without ever leaving your house.

Dorothy: Many people are hesitant to mailing their stools. Why? Because they’re worried that someone might take it out and mess around with it.

Mark: That’s why at Robinsons’, we guarantee that we won’t!

Dorothy: We want to do one thing and one thing only with your stool. And that’s testing for diseases.

Mark: We’re gonna take it out, test it for diseases, then that thing is going right in the trash. I promise!

Dorothy: You can trust Robinsons’ staffs will absolutely not mess around with it, play around with it, goof around with it, anything like that.

Mark: That’s why, our motto is…

Both: “Robinsons’, we’re gonna take it out, test it for diseases. Then that thing’s going right in the trash.”

Shawn: Okay. Let’s cut here. Pretty good. I really love your good chemistry. I gotta stay honest with you guys. It seems like you’re gonna take it out and play with it.

Mark: Okay. Explain that.

Dorothy: Yea, coz you say– We’re saying that we’re not.

Shawn: I get it. But I think what’s happening it’s a little too direct. And maybe even so direct that it becomes suspicious.

Mark: Oh, okay.

Dorothy: Yea, I get that.

Shawn: Great. Okay. So, maybe we try not to be so definite about it this time. Just don’t hit it quite as hard, okay?

Mark: Definite, got it.

Dorothy: Got you boss. Got you boss.

Shawn: Alright. Let’s go again.

[Aristotle walks in with a clapperboard]

Aristotle: Okay. Robinsons’ mail-in stool testing. Take two.

Shawn: Action!

Dorothy: Hi there. Lots of people don’t want to mail us their stool because they’re worried we might take em’ out and mess around with them a little bit.

Mark: But at Robinsons’, our process is simple. We take it out, test it for diseases, and after that, who knows what we’re gonna do?

Dorothy: Yea, who knows? Maybe we’ll mess it around a little bit, maybe we won’t.

Mark: Every rose has its thorn. In this case, the rose is we will test it for diseases. The thorn, maybe we take it out and mess around a little bit.

Dorothy: That’s why at Robinsons’, our motto is…

Both: “Robinsons’, we’re gonna take it out, test it for diseases. Then that thing’s going right in the trash… Maybe!”

Shawn: Okay. Cut. Guys, I feel like I gotta ask. Do you take it out and mess around with it?

Dorothy: You know, I was worried people might think that.

Mark: Yeah. Guess we got to hit that little bit harder, huh?

Shawn: No, no. Do not hit it any harder. That’s making me think that you do.

Dorothy: Okay. I think that’s just a you thing. Hey, buddy. [calling Aristotle] Okay. Do you think we’re just gonna take these things out, mess around with them, goof around with them a little bit?

Aristotle: Yes, I do.

Shawn: I think just don’t mention it all and no one will think that you do. If they do, then that’s their problem.

Dorothy: Okay, yeah. You’re right. That’s their problem.

Mark: Great call.

Shawn: Thank you. For that respect. Okay. This is the one, guys. Let’s do it!

[Aristotle walks in with a clapperboard]

Aristotle: Okay. Robinsons’ mail-in stool testing. Take three.

Shawn: [whispering] Action.

Dorothy: Dorothy here. I got a question for you. [yelling] Who the hell do you think you are? You think we can’t help ourselves around your precious little stool?

Mark: You think you’re special? We see thousands of these things every day. You think there’s something so tempting about your’s?

Dorothy: Just ask our mailman. [Mailman walks in] Ay, mailman. You don’t mind carrying these things around, right?

Mailman: I don’t mind.

Dorothy: thank you.

Mailman: I don’t mind at all.

Mark: We’re professionals, people. We take our jobs seriously. And we value your trust.

Dorothy: that’s why we at Robinsons’, our motto is…

Both: “Robinsons’, we’re gonna take it out, and play around with it.”

Mark: Okay, that felt great. I think we got it.

Dorothy: Now, who wants to mess around with one of those things?

Mark: We got plenty.

Funeral Song

Miriam Lewis… Heidi Gardner

Father… Owen Wilson

Cecily Strong

Andrew Dismukes

Aidy Bryant

Chloe Fineman

Levar B. Burton… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a picture of Miriam Lewis on screen.]

[Cut to Father at the podium in funeral.]

Father: Welcome. We are here today to honor the passing of Miriam Lewis. Miriam was a devoted mother, a loving grandmother, a devout church goer and most of all, just a free spirit.

Cecily: She sure was.

Andrew: Nana live a life.

Father: And Miriam’s favorite thing to do in the whole world was to take the bus down to Atlantic city and play those penny slots.

Aidy: Yes. She went every single weekend.

Chloe: [sobbing] I miss Nana so much.

Father: Mariam wanted every detail of this funeral to reflect her spirit, starting with her all time favorite song as sung by her all time favorite performer, please welcome bussed in, not direct, from the Loose Nugget Casino, legendary Atlantic city headliner, Levar B. Burton.

[Levar B. Burton walks in]

Levar B. Burton: Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you to Peter Pan bus lines for bringing me to New York city via Secaucus via Hershey, Pennsylvania. I knew Miriam very well. She would always sit front row in my show and shout, “Sing my song!” Well, this one’s for you, Miriam.

[music playing]

[singing] I used to think that I could not go on

Aidy: This song sounds familiar.

Levar B. Burton: And life was nothing but an awful song.

[A slideshow of Miriam Lewis’s pictures is on the TV screen]

Cecily: I think it’s ‘I believe I can fly’.

Levar B. Burton: If I can see it, then I can do it
If I just believe it, 

We miss you, Mimi.

there’s nothing to it

Say it with me.

I believe I can fly.

Cecily: Stop. This song is by R. Kelly.

Aidy: Yea. We were already sad and then you made us listen to R. Kelly.

Levar B. Burton: Well, actually, you’re listening to Levar B. Burton.

Father: Hold on. I don’t understand. Miriam told me she wanted this specific song.

Andrew: But R. Kelly is a horrible man who did awful things.

Chloe: Well, maybe Nana didn’t know about all that.

Cecily: Hah, maybe she didn’t.

Aidy: Yea, and it was Nana’s wish.

Cecily: Yea, I guess go ahead, Lavar Burton.

Levar B. Burton: Ah! Lavar B. Burton. Yes, that’s very important legally. Now, where was I?

[singing] I believe I can fly
I believe I can touch the sky

[There’s a picture of Miriam Lewis and Levar B. Burton on screen]

Hey, that’s us.

Thinking about it every night and day

[There’s a picture of Miriam Lewis and Louis C.K. on screen]

Oh, no.

Spread my wings and fly away.

[There’s a picture of Miriam Lewis and Donald Trump on screen]

Andrew: Wow, she sure met a lot of celebrities.

[There’s a picture of Miriam Lewis and Kevin Spacey on screen]

Levar B. Burton: I believe I can fly

[There’s a picture of Miriam Lewis and Bill Cosby on screen]

That’s way too recent

[Cecily walks up to the stage and stops Levar B. Burton]

Cecily: I’m sorry. Thank you very much for coming, Lavar Burton.

Levar B. Burton: Oh, don’t forget that B in the middle.

Cecily: This may be what Nana wanted but this is not how we wanted to remember her.

Father: Look folks, I don’t know a lot about celebrities or rock n’ roll, and I’m sure Nana didn’t either. But she was just a sweet old lady who loved to see a show and I know she wanted a funeral that reflected that. Because I’ll never forget, right before she died, she looked at me straight in the eyes and said, “I believe I can fly.” And then she jumped.

Aidy: Yea, those gambling debts finally caught up to her.

Cecily: Oh, so that’s why she chose this song.

Levar B. Burton: So, you want me to finish it?

Cecily: No. Absolutely not. Why don’t you play Nana’s second favorite song instead?

Levar B. Burton: Oh, you got it.

[Music for the song ‘Ignition’ by R. Kelly starts playing]

Now, usually I don’t do this but why don’t we go on and break them up with a little piece of the remix?

[singing] It’s a remix to ignition, babe
patting fresh out the kitchen

[starts singing gibberish]

Cars 4

Owen Wilson

Mikey Day

Punkie Johnson

Larry… James Austin Johnson

[Starts with Owen Wilson in Pixar production studio]

Mikey: There he is, Owen freaking Wilson. Bring it in!

Owen Wilson: Alright. Time to make the donuts.

Punkie: Baking that again, baby.

Owen Wilson: Yea.

Mikey: Dude, by the way, Loki? You crushed it, dude. I haven’t seen it yet, but I hear it’s amazing.

Owen Wilson: Yea, I’m proud of it. But hey, this is exciting too. Cars 4. I didn’t even know they were planning to do another one.

Mikey: Yea, Pixar is keeping it pretty quiet. I haven’t even seen a full script yet. They’re just sending over little chunks of dialogs so the animators can start working. So that is what we’ll be recording today.

Owen Wilson: Great. Okay. I’m gonna hop in the booth. Let’s do this. Hey, Kachow! Right?

Mikey: Kachow! There it is.

[Owen Wilson walks into the voiceover recording booth]

Kachow!

Owen Wilson: Let me get this on. [puts on the headset]

Mikey: Whenever you’re ready, O-Town.

Owen Wilson: Here we go.

Punkie: Rolling!

Owen Wilson: “Radiator springs, here I come!”

Mikey: Perfect. Moving on.

Owen Wilson: “Return to racing, you bet I can still win the piston cup.”

Mikey: Amazing. Next.

Owen Wilson: “Back off, Jack off– Back off, Jack ass. I wasn’t looking at your wife!”

Mikey: Nailed it. Next.

Owen Wilson: “I am Speed. Kachow!”

Mikey: Love it.

Owen Wilson: “Calm down, Jerk-Off! I didn’t touch your daughter. She was coming on to me.” Hey, can we stop?

Mikey: Yeah. What’s wrong? O, That was feeling really, really good.

Punkie: Yeah, so good. You’re killing it O.

Owen Wilson: Thanks. But I’m just a little thrown by a few lines in there. I mean, what exactly is going on in this movie?

Mikey: You know, again, I haven’t seen a full script. But you wanna keep going? Cool? Time for three?

Owen Wilson: Okay.

Punkie: On you, O.

Owen Wilson: Here we go. “Kachow!”

Mikey: Yeah, perfect. Next line?

Owen Wilson: “Grow up, man. Your sister sure did!”

Mikey: Good, good. Moving on.

Owen Wilson: “So, what college do you girls go to? Oh! You’re in high school? Could have fooled me.”

Mikey: Perfect. Dude, you’re crushing it. Moving on.

Owen Wilson: “Winning the piston cup could save this whole town. And I can’t race because of one bad date? This is a witch hunt, your honor.” Wait, guys. He’s in court?

Mikey: Yeah. What’s the iss, O?

Owen Wilson: Well, the iss is I think Lightening McQueen is the bad guy in this.

Mikey: No. No. [asking Punkie] Right?

Punkie: No.

Owen Wilson: Okay. Well, it just feels like there’s a lot of him creeping on girl cars and arguing with their dads and husbands and stuff. It’s a real departure for the character.

Mikey: Umm, interesting. You know what? Why don’t we get Larry in here? Might feel a little better to have someone to do your lines with?

Punkie: Yeah, let’s get Larry the cable guy. Flying in.

[Larry walks in]

Larry: Hey.

Owen Wilson: Hey, Larry. Come on in.

Larry: Hey man, excited to do this. Alright, let’s do this, man.

Mikey: Okay. Lar, let’s take it from your line on the top of five there.

Larry: “Woo-hoo! He’s my best friend, Lightening!”

Owen Wilson: “Thanks, Mater. You’re mine too.”

Larry: “That’s why I was so upset when I heard you was calling me an ‘R’ word.”

Owen Wilson: Okay, let’s stop. Let’s stop. He’s calling Mater the ‘R’ word now? Guys, that’s horrible.

Mikey: Oh, no, no. The ‘R’ word is rusty, I think. Because Mater is rusty.

Owen Wilson: Okay.

Larry: “Hey, you didn’t call me rusty, did you Lightening?”

Owen Wilson: “No. Stop being such a re–” No! Guys! I mean, I see the actual ‘R’ word right here and I’m not gonna say it.

Mikey: All good, O. If you’re not gonna say it, then skip the next 10 lines and go to the top of 15.

Larry: “Whoo, you did it, Lightning! You done won the Piston cup.”

Owen Wilson: “Ha-ha! Yeah! Kachow!”

Larry: “Hey! What are you doing, Lightening? That’s my sister, buddy.”

Owen Wilson: “Not tonight, Mater.”

Larry: “Hey, come on, Lightening. Why her?”

Owen Wilson: “Power!” Come on! Guys, I’m not doing this. It’s not happening. It’s a complete betrayal of a beloved character and I don’t want any part of it.

Mikey: Really? Because they just sent over your contract. You might want to take a look at it.

Owen Wilson: Well, it’s not about the money. [looks at the contract] And that’s just for this?

Mikey: [nodding] Um-hmm. Disney had a very good year.

Owen Wilson: Okay. Well, come on. This thing’s not gonna record itself. Let’s go. Kachow!

 

Billionaire Star Trek

Jeff Bezos… Owen Wilson

Brother… Luke Wilson

Kid… Andrew Dismukes

Wally Funk… Heidi Gardner

Richard Branson… Alex Moffat

Elon Musk… Mikey Day

Delivery guy… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with video clips of space]

Male voice: For decades, the Star Trek franchise from the Final Frontier. Now, the tradition continues with a new ship, a new crew, and a new captain, Amazon founder, Jeff Bezos.

[Cut to Jeff Bezos in a space ship]

Jeff Bezos: Dude! Space is freaking awesome!

Male voice: Star Trek Ego Quest. The voyages of the S.S. New Sheppard. And its crew of random weirdos. Captain Jeff Bezos.

Jeff Bezos: Hell yes!

Male voice: First mate Jeff Bezos’ brother who is name is– Science Officer is some rich high school kid from Netherlands. [Kid dabs] And 82 year old astronaut, Wally Funk.

Wally Funk: I’m tired.

Male voice: Their mission to just sort of fly around space goofing off in a ship that looks like a penis.

Jeff Bezos: I’m in space with my brother Mark. This owns.

Brother: This is unbelievable.

Male voice: Alliances will be formed.

[Jeff Bezos looking out of the window]

Jeff Bezos: I’d recognize that purple mood lighting anywhere. Richard Branson, you maniac!

[Cut to Richard Branson inside a space ship with purple mood lighting in]

Richard Branson: Haha! What’s up, Bezos? You nutter! What are you doing?

Jeff Bezos: Well, just flying around.

Richard Branson: Yea, same here. Hey, you fancy a race?

Jeff Bezos: It’s on. Come on, you limey bitch!

[They start racing their space ships]

Male voice: Take flight on a midlife crisis of cosmic proportions.

[Their space ship crashes]

Jeff Bezos: Oh! We hit a space station.

Richard Branson: Oops! Don’t care. Ha-ha-ha.

Male voice: But around every corner, danger lurks.

Wally Funk: Incoming torpedo!

[something hits their space ship.]

Jeff Bezos: Who the hell is firing at us?

[Elon Musk appears on the screen]

Elon Musk: Hello, Jeff Bezos.

Jeff Bezos: Elon Musk. You son of a bitch.

Elon Musk: Space is big enough for only one weird white billionaire. So, you could say beating you is my prime objective.

Male voice: They’ll need all the help they can get from a loyal team of valued employees.

Kid: Captain.

Jeff Bezos: Yes.

Kid: We have a request to beam aboard.

Jeff Bezos: Sweet. Yes. It’s my delivery guy. Beam him up.

[Delivery guy teleports inside the space ship. He’s an Amazon delivery guy and is carrying a package.]

Delivery guy: Wow! Space! I can’t believe I’m up here.

Jeff Bezos: Thanks. Adios.

Delivery guy: By the way, it’s an honor to meet you, sir. People say you don’t care about Amazon employees but I disagree.

[Brother hits a button and Delivery guy starts vanishing]

Wow, so you’re just going to throw me out like that? Ay, can I use the bathroom real quick?

[Jeff Bezos throws a bottle at Delivery guy and he catches it]

Ay man, I’m not peeing in this!

Male voice: Star Trek, Ego Quest. Streaming this Christmas.

Jeff Bezos: So, what should we do? We do a couple of laps?

 

Biden Unites Democrats Cold Open

Joe Biden… James Austin Johnson

Kyrsten Sinema… Cecily Strong

Joe Manchin… Aidy Bryant

Ilhan Omar… Ego Nwodim

Alexandria… Melissa Villaseñor.

Andrew Cuomo… Pete Davidson

Chuck Schumer… Alex Moffat

Male voice: And now, a message from the president of the United States, Joseph R. Biden.

[Cut to Joe Biden speaking on a podium]

[cheers and applause]

Joe Biden: Hello. Good evening. Fellow Americans, how’s everybody doing? What’s cooking? What’s good? How are you doing? How was everybody’s summer? Mine was bad. Not Cuomo bad but definitely not Afghanistan good. Everyone keeps harassing me about that drone strike. But on the bright side, I went the entire summer without falling down the stairs once. It’s pretty darn good. And hey, Broadway’s back. That’s exciting, right? [cheers and applause] So was the Taliban. So, I win some, lose some.

Unlike our last president, I try staying out of the limelight. I’m like an oil change, you don’t think about me unless you absolutely have to.

Right now, America needs me. Democrats need me. Got a major of structure bell on a historic socio gen, it had to get past. So now, I’m bringing together the democrats like Voltron so they’re all different colors but fundamentally, the robots. On one side, we have the moderate democrats, Kyrsten Sinema from Arizona.

[Cut to Kyrsten Sinema standing beside Joe Biden]

Kyrsten Sinema: What do I want from this bill? I’ll never tell. Because I didn’t come to congress to make friends. And so far, mission accomplished.

Joe Biden: Is it just me or does she look like all the characters from Scooby Doo at the same time? And another pain in my keister the de facto president of the United States, Joe Manchin from West Virginia.

[Cut to Joe Manchin standing beside Kyrsten Sinema]

Joe Manchin: Yeah, that’s right. I’m a democrat from West Virginia. If I vote for electric cars, they’re gonna kill me.

Joe Biden: On the other side, we have two members of progressive caucus, Ilhan Omar from Minessota

[Cut to Ilhan Omar]

Ilhan Omar: Thank you Joe for not calling me Kamala. For those of you who don’t know me, I was designed in a lab to give Tucker Carlson a heart attack.

Joe Biden: And finally, Alexandria– I’m not going to try to say the whole name. A.O.C. from Nueva York.

[Cut to Alexandria waving her hands]

[cheers and applause]

Alexandria: Yes, it’s me, the Cruella of the MET Gala. I wore a dress that said “Tax the rich”, then spent all night partying with the rich. Oops!

Joe Biden: Let’s go through this agenda together because we’re going to realize, “Hey, we’re all on the same page. We’re all singing the same damn thing.”

Alexandria: That’s right. I’m saying we need at least 300 billion in clean energy tax credits.

Joe Manchin: And I’m saying 0.

Joe Biden: See? Same page. There’s a lot of good stuff in this bill like Joe BidenKyrsten Sinema weeks of paid family leave.

Kyrsten Sinema: Six days!

Joe Biden: Six whole days of paid–

Joe Manchin: Well, unpaid.

Joe Biden: Unpaid six whole days–

Kyrsten Sinema: Night.

Joe Biden: Six nights of unpaid family half leave. That’s not a bad compromise, right? And what do you want in return?

Alexandria: What about a child tax credit?

Joe Biden: Great idea! We always said, children shouldn’t pay taxes. It’s a lot of math.

Joe Manchin: But if we give children too much leeway, how are they gonna get them to work in the minds, you know? We need their tiny hands to dig. All the big pieces of coal are gone. We need the little kid fingers to gather the little pieces.

Joe Biden: Okay. Let’s get a little basic. Roads. Everyone okay with roads?

Alexandria: I like roads.

Joe Manchin: Me too. Roads are where trucks live.

Joe Biden: Kyrsten?

Kyrsten Sinema: I want no roads.

Joe Biden: No roads? Why?

Kyrsten Sinema: Chaos!

Joe Biden: Alright! What about water? We’re allotting. Let’s see. 65 billion for water. Wow, that’s a lot of water. Does it come with the mermaid? Just kidding.

[Joe Biden pokes Ilhan Omar with his ankle to let her know of is joke]

Ilhan Omar: No. It was good.

Joe Biden: Yeah. What do you say, Joe? You good with water?

Joe Manchin: I don’t like that taste.

Joe Biden: Fine. Let’s focus on the two things that poll best with all Americans – lowering the price of prescription drugs–

Kyrsten Sinema: No!

Joe Biden: And raising taxes on billionaires.

[Kyrsten Sinema shows her thumbs down on the idea]

Alright then, just tell us Kyrsten. What do you like? What’s good to you?

Kyrsten Sinema: Yellow starbursts, the film “The Polar Express”, and when someone eats fish on an airplane.

Alexandria: But can’t we compromise on anything? Isn’t something better than nothing?

Kyrsten Sinema: Look. As a wine drinking bisexual triathlete, I know what the average American wants. They want to be put on hold when they call 9Joe BidenJoe Biden. They want bridges that just stop, car falls down. They want water so thick, you can eat it with a fork. And I will fight for that no matter what, unless my foot hurts, then I’ll go back to Arizona.

Joe Biden: Fine! Fine! Then we’re gonna talk about one last item on the agenda. Most important one. Trains!

Ilhan Omar: Oh god, again?

Joe Biden: Come on! Don’t take dreams away from me! We need to remind people of the grandeur of American rail travel. The quiet car. The seats are faced backwards. The sliding bathroom doors that don’t quite lock. You open it up, catch a glimpse of an old man on a toilet. The full bottle of gatorade rolling around on the floor of the train. It goes that way, it goes back. Without trains, no American.

Ilhan Omar: I can’t believe I’m saying this to my white boss, it’s gonna be okay.

[Andrew Cuomo walks in]

Andrew Cuomo: It’s gonna be more than okay. Take it from me, governor-ish Andrew Cuomo. Us democrats have had each other’s backs no matter what. We’re like one big Italian family. And you know what Italians like to do? Hug and kiss and run their fingers up each other’s backs. So, let’s all come together– Oh, bad choice of words there. And get this bill pass today. Just like me, it deserves a second chance. And a third chance. And up to at least Joe BidenJoe Biden chances. Oh, and I want to plug my new book. My first one was called “Lessons and Leadership”. And my new one is called “Whoops!”

[Chuck Schumer walks in]

Chuck Schumer: And I’m here to promote my new book, “Sandwiches I have liked and tried”. Hello, I’m Chuck Schumer. You may remember me, but you don’t. I hope you’ve enjoyed our little rap session. Next time you get an email from the democratic party with a scary desperate subject line like “It’s all over, Jennifer. Democracy is dead unless you donate $Chuck Schumer now!”, don’t panic too much. Us democrats are all in this together.

Joe Biden: Hey, we sure are. Because fundamentally, we’re all the same.

Andrew Cuomo: Screw!

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Weekend Update- Republicans to Block January 6 Investigation

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of calendar marked on May 22 at left top corner.]

Well, it’s our last Weekend Update and I have to say, I think that the country is in a better place than when we started this season. I think. In September there were headlines like, “Will the president destroy democracy?” And now I’m seeing headlines like “Will this be the most turnt-ass summer ever?”

[Picture changes to Capitol riot]

And who can forget that time when the president tried to murder congress? Apparently, congress can, since the senate is likely to block a bipartisan investigation into the capitol riot. Thanks to opposition from Mitch McConnell seen here at the demolition at the children’s hospital.

Republicans just want to forget the riots ever happened and focus on the future of their party and future of their party is of course… [Picture changes to Matt Gaetz] Yikes! It was reported that federal authority’s investigating sex trafficking accusations against Matt Gaetz have secure the cooperation of his ex girlfriend. But not until after her prom.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at right top corner.]

Michael Che: In the wake of the seize fire agreement between Israel and Hamas, insiders praise president Biden’s light touch when dealing with Benjamin Netanyahu. But in fairness, everything Biden does involves some kind of touch.

[Picture changes to Andrew Giuliani]

Andrew Giuliani who is the child of Rudy Giuliani and I’m going to say Gary Busey announced that he’s running for governor of New York and claimed he spent five decades in politics despite the fact he’s only 35 yers old. I didn’t know you can get a brain damage when your father drinks during the pregnancy.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Biden driving a truck at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: President Biden test drove in all electric F-150 pickup truck at a plant in Michigan and you’re probably thinking, “Ha-ha, he’s old. I bet he drives slow.” Well, watch this.

[Cut to a video of a truck being driven fast]

[cut back to Colin Jost]

Jesus, Joe. I’m not going to lie, that made me think we were about to have our first female president. I mean the last time a guy his age drove that fast, he traveled into the future.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of New York city at right top corner.]

Michael Che: This week, New York city lifted many of its restrictions with restaurants and salons able to return to Colin Jost00% capacity. While New York state– [cheers] Yeah, that’s great.  New York state nursing homes will remain at 900%. New York city gyms will also return to full capacity, though they still recommend social distancing from that old guy powdering his balls.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of North Korean flag at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was announced that North Korea has banned it’s citizens from having mullets or wearing skinny jeans. And yet, another attempt to cancel Morgan Wallen.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of logos of tinder, okcupid and hinge logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The White House announced that several dating apps including tinder, okcupid and Hinge are launching a new feature that will let people show their vaccination status. But you can’t believe everything you see on a dating app. I mean, my tinder profile says I’m a white architect named Craig.

Weekend Update- Pete Davidson on Mental Health and the COVID-19 Pandemic

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: The CDC has announced that fully vaccinated Americans do not need to wear mask in most cases but many are still feeling anxiety and say they’re not ready to go fully mask-less yet. With more on this is Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Pete Davidson: Oh, hi buddy. Thank you, Colin. Thank you guys. Thank you. Please stop. Thank you very much. Okay. Well, you wouldn’t know this because your life’s perfect. But it’s mental health awareness month. [cheers and applause] Oh, no. It’s fine. And my therapist said it’s important to pack the self care which is why she stopped taking my calls. If there’s one good thing about the pandemic besides getting Chrissy Teigen out of our lives, it’s– I’m relieved. It’s that I was actually excited when I found out we had to wear masks because I figured this sounds really crappy but I figured less people would recognize me, but it didn’t work because everyone can still recognize me from my eyes. You see someone who looks like he just woke up and hasn’t slept in days, it’s me. I was already so anxious before the pandemic. My brain didn’t have room for something new to panic about. I can’t start being afraid public restrooms will give me covid when I was already afraid they would give me AIDS.

Colin Jost: You can’t get AIDS from a toilet.

Pete Davidson: Hey, AIDS is a lot like SNL. It’s still here, it’s just no one’s gotten excited about it since the 90s. Lorne actually wrote that.

Colin Jost: Yes.

Pete Davidson: It was his joke. The pandemic made me feel like I wasn’t alone. A lot of people became afraid to have food delivered which I was already scared of because I was sure the delivery guy would see my name on the receipt and impregnate my sandwich.

Colin Jost: Is that really something you’re afraid of?

Pete Davidson: Oh, yes. It used to be. That’s why I started ordering food under a new secret identity. I even got a new credit card with my new fake name.

Colin Jost: Yes. That’s actually my American Express card. It’s been missing for days.

Pete Davidson: Yeah. I never felt safer. People love you, Colin. So much better than my Discover Plus.

Colin Jost: And do you have any advice for people who are afraid of returning to normal?

Pete Davidson: Yes. That if you’re vaccinated, it’s okay to relax. People aren’t getting the vaccine because they think it’s just Bill Gates trying to put microchip inside of you. But trust me, if he was that much of an evil genius, Linda would have signed a prenup.

Colin Jost: Someone really liked that. What would you say to all the people who don’t want to get vaccinated?

Pete Davidson: I think if you don’t want to get the shot, you don’t have to. We just need to make sure you don’t infect others. So, we should let all the anti-vax people live in one place and make their own weird laws and do whatever drugs they want, and alright, yeah, that’s Florida.

Colin Jost: Wouldn’t that be dangerous for all the retired people who live there?

Pete Davidson: Well, that’s the beauty part. Once the un-vaxed people are in Florida together, we airdrop a crate of oxycontin pills laced with the Pfizer vaccine on to a Jimmy Buffet concert. Problem solved.

Colin Jost: Not everyone in Florida does O-pills.

Pete Davidson: Yeah. Well, we’ll also put it in the meth. The pandemic has taught me that we never really know what the future holds. And it’s also taught me to be grateful. And I’m very grateful to be here and it’s been an honor to grow up in front of you guys. So, thanks.

Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everyone.

Weekend Update- Marilyn Manson Sued, Helen Keller Doll

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Marilyn Manson at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A former personal assistant to Marilyn Manson has filed a law suit accusing him of sexual exploitation and psychological abuse. Wow. It’s always the guys you most expect.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of ‘Boom’ logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Startup airline Boom Supersonic is hoping to eventually fly passengers anywhere in the world in four hours or less for just $100. So, get ready to fly fast and cheap on the only airline named after the sound of an explosion.

[Picture changes to Barbie logo]

Mattel is releasing a Helen Keller doll barbie doll. Just remember not to let her drive the barbie corvette.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a train at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A conductor of a bullet train is facing disciplinary action after he left the controls to use the bathroom while the train was traveling at nearly 100 miles an hour. Brother, that chili was traveling at that same speed.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Scotland flag at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Residents of an apartment building in Scotland left a note in the elevator asking a resident who has extremely loud orgasm to be quieter. And it’s understandable because this is what a Scottish orgasm sounds like.

[Cut to a clip from a movie where a guy is yelling ‘Freedom’.]

Michael Che: That is so dumb. That is so dumb.

Colin Jost: That was so long.

Weekend Update- Jeanine Pirro on the Mexico–United States Border

Colin Jost

Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: And now, as a last special treat, here to give her parting thoughts tonight is judge Jeanine Pirro.

[Jeanine Pirro slides in with a glass of wine in her hand]

Jeanine Pirro: Thank you, Colin.

Colin Jost: Judge Jeanine, I have not seen you in a while.

Jeanine Pirro: [spilling a little wine on Colin Jost every time she talks] Oh, I’m still here. My show on Fox is on every Saturday at nine, a full hour before the nursing homes turn off the TV in the lobby. But I did take some time off recently. I went down to the most luxurious place on earth, Mar-A-Lago. Oh, it’s like being on a cruise ship that’s permanently docked in the hottest part of Florida in between two classy strip clubs, you know, where the gals wear ball gowns. There’s an endless buffet of rubbery shrimp and the air smells like a bathroom stall that’s been freshly sprayed with poopouri.

Colin Jost: That sounds wonderful, but you really don’t have to be so loud.

Jeanine Pirro: Oh, go ahead and judge me, Colin. But I’m proud to be a small town girl who grew up on an airport turmac.

Colin Jost: I’m assuming you’re not very happy with the job that president Biden is doing.

Jeanine Pirro: He’s a disaster! Have you seen the border? If Joe Biden had his way, we’d let everyone in from El Chapo to Del Taco.

Colin Jost: I’m not sure that’s true.

Jeanine Pirro: Well, I am. And now they want to put Kamala Harris in charge of the border. Sorry, Kama-lama-ding-dong. Not on my watch.

Colin Jost: That seems a little racist.

Jeanine Pirro: A little racist? Have you been listening to me? Colin, even as I watch our beautiful country get over run by a gang of MS-Colin Jost3 angriest Mexican lesbians, I’m still standing strong. Because I always did it my way. Hold that Colin. [passes the wine glass to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Sure.

[music playing]

Jeanine Pirro: [singing] Now, the end is near
and so I face the final curtain

Sorry, Colin.

[singing] Friends, I’ll say it clear, 

I made my case of which I’m certain
I’ve lived a life that’s full

Bring in my other wine.

I traveled each and every highway.

[someone brings in a giant glass container full of wine with a giant straw]

And more, much more than this,
I did it my way

[Jeanine Pirro gets into the giant container of wine]

[Jeanine Pirro fills her empty glass, and swinging her hand to the music, throws the wine on Colin Jost.]

I did it my way
I did it my way

Colin Jost: Jeanine Pirro, everyone.

Michael Che: For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.