Category: 2021

Costco Meeting

Jalissa… Sarah Sherman

Kyle Mooney

Glitter Revolution… Bowen Yang, Kim Kardashian, Aidy Bryant

Kyle: Well, Jalissa, usually interns aren’t allowed to present to the VP of Costco marketing, but I’m excited to hear your ideas.

Jalissa: I won’t let you down, sir. As you know, Costco scales are sky high among middle aged people. But teenagers ever only come to our stores to do kick-flips in the parking lot.

Kyle: Um-hmm. How do we get them to come inside?

Jalissa: Well, here’s what we know. Teens love music. So, we need a pop group that’s going to speak to my generation. Please welcome Glitter Revolution.

[Three members of Glitter Revolution walk in. They’re all dressed up in pink tight clothes.]

Aidy: Hello, Costco. Glitter Revolution is here.

Kyle: So, this is Glitter Revolution?

Kim: Hey, you all corporate freaks.

Bowen: Are you ready to have your khakis explode from the back?

Aidy: We’re a three person bop factory where the smoke stacks go…

All: Hoo-hoo!

Bowen: We are Glitter Revolution.

Kim: And we want to know what the hell is up, Costco?

Kyle: This definitely isn’t the Eagles. But I’m here to learn.

Aidy: Well, thank you warehouse savings legend. Let’s hit it.

[music playing]

Attention Costco shoppers.

Bowen: [singing] Doo-doo-doo-da-da-da-da-da-dee-dee
bulk bitches only
peanut brittle in bulk

Aidy: Aquarium rocks in bulk

Kim: Humidifiers in bulk

Aidy: And a can of tuna that’s one foot tall

Bowen: Doo-doo-doo-da-da-da-da-da-dee-dee

Aidy: Big bulky bitches

Bowen: Come to the bomb

[They end the song with a pose]

Kyle: Well, our teen customers are gonna absolutely stand this. I close my eyes and I’m seeing Olivia Rodrigo buying bags of beef Wellington.

Jalissa: Exactly. And you won’t believe this but they write all their songs from scratch.

Kyle: Just like the Eagles.

Bowen: That’s right. And we took a little research trip yesterday.

Kim: It was iconic. We sampled Bagel Bites next to a forklift.

Aidy: Yeah. We each got $4 prescription eyeglasses.

Bowen: And yeah, we all bought George W. Bush’s new book.

Kim: And that’s when we realized Costco is such a vibe.

Bowen: This next song is about the famous Costco restaurant.

[music playing]

Aidy: Attention Costco diners.

Bowen: Hey boy, are you hungry? 

Kim: Hey boy, chicken caesar 

Aidy: Hey boy, got a $1.5 

All: Coz you can get me hotdog

Bowen: Yeah, you can get me hotdog

[They end the song with a pose]

Kyle: That’s actually the best song I’ve ever heard.

Aidy: Yeah. It’s such a slay that Kirkland brand can be anything.

Kim: Kirkland brand is deli meat, fleece, water bottles…

Bowen: And yeah, tyres too. Slay car.

Kyle: Glitter Revolution, here’s what I can do. I’d like to offer you a $5 million 10 year contract on one condition. I wanna hear you diss our competitors.

Jalissa: Glitter Revolution, show them the track where you drag Costco’s enemies asses to hell.

Bowen: Hah! Order up, legend. This song is called Flop Shop.

[music playin]

Aidy: Attention Costco rivals, tongue lashing coming for you.

Bowen: Walmart, you’re a flop shop

Kim: Trader Joe’s, you’re a flop shop

Bowen: Amazon is quitting in her boots, bitch

Aidy: Best Buy, get F’ed

Kim: Sam’s Club, go to hell

Aidy: Target, suck a toe

All: Every other store found dead in the ditch

[They end the song with a pose]

[Kyle whispers on Jalissa’s ear]

Jalissa: I’m so sorry, Glitter Revolution. My boss says that after hearing that third track, we cannot give you the $5 million Costco brand deal.

Kyle: Instead, we’re gonna have to give you the $25 million deal.

Bowen: Yeah!

Kyle: By the way, how old are you guys?

Kim: We’re all 15, except for she’s 32 and I’m 30.

Bowen: And I’m 45.

Bowen: [singing] Doo-doo-doo-da-da-da-da-da-dee-dee
bulk bitches only

Womens Talk Show

Ego Nwodim

Charlette… Cecily Strong

Dee-dee… Heidi Gardner

Maney… Aidy Bryant

Doctor… Owen Wilson

[Starts with the show intro]

[Cut to the show stage. There are four women sitting at the table.]

Ego: Welcome back to The Talking where we discuss everything that women can have an opinion about at EgoEgo:Dee-dee0 in the morning. Later, we’ll talk about Biden’s infrastructure bills, but first, Crock Pot lasagne. This sounds gross to me. Anyone else?

Charlette: You know, I have a question. What’s an air fryer? What is it?

Dee-dee: Ladies, if something’s fried, I won’t eat it.

Ego: Dee-dee, don’t talk like that.

Maney : Now look, as you all know, my husband is very well endowed, okay? And he actually cooks dinner for us and he loves the air fryer.

Charlette: Okay, here’s what I don’t get. How does air fry something? How does air make it fry?

Maney : Charlette, none of us know. And I don’t really love how you asked that.

Charlette: How did I ask?

Maney : You have a lot of debt.

Charlette: How did I ask?

Maney : You have a lot of debt.

Charlette: How did I ask?

Maney : You have a lot of debt.

Ego: Okay. Okay. Ladies, moving on, the stock market.

All: Hmm.

Dee-dee: I like it.

Charlette: See, I do too.

Maney : I don’t know if you ladies know this but–

Charlette: Don’t say it.

Maney : Well, you don’t know what I’m going to say.

Ego: Alright, go ahead.

Maney : Okay. My husband is very well endowed

Charlette: Yea, you just said that.

Maney : Yea, your children are rude.

Charlette: You are a bad friend.

Maney : Yea, your children are rude.

Charlette: You are a bad friend.

Maney : Yea, your children are rude.

Charlette: You are a bad friend.

Ego: Ladies, please, enough. Enough.

[a doctor walks in]

Doctor: [to Dee-dee] Hello. I’m sorry. I need to inform you of your covid test results.

Dee-dee: Oh, hi. Here?

Doctor: Yes, ma’am. I just received them and this is where you are. So, I brought them here. I’m gonna have to confirm some information.

Dee-dee: Okay. Do we have to do this on air?

Doctor: Yea. It has to be on TV for HIPAA reasons. We either can’t tell anybody or have to tell everybody. No middle ground.

Dee-dee: Okay.

Doctor: Can I have your full name?

Dee-dee: Dee-dee Calresian.

Doctor: Correct. Date of birth.

Dee-dee: May EgoDee-deeth.

Doctor: May EgoDee-deeth what?

Dee-dee: Nineteen… eighty… two.

Ego: Damn Dee-dee, you’re younger than you look.

Dee-dee: Thanks! Wait. Hey!

Doctor: And what have you done in the last 72 hours?

Dee-dee: Like, in general?

Doctor: Yes.

Dee-dee: Came to work, googled myself. I don’t know.

Doctor: Very well. Unfortunately, your covid test came back positive. So, I’m afraid you’re going to have to come with me.

Dee-dee: No! Well, bye everybody.

Ego: Well, viewers, it looks like Dee-dee had a breakthrough case. It happens. Obviously we’ve all been vaccinated dozens, dozens, dozens of times.

Maney : Yeah, wow! Well, she is going to be sad to miss this next segment. Because today, we’re talking to the leader of the Vatican himself, the Pope.

Ego: No. Help me out here. Is it the Pope or da’ Pope?

Maney : I think it’s just Pope.

Charlette: I can’t keep up.

Ego: Well, look. In just a minute, Pope is gonna tell us about his foreign plans. Do you ladies switch your purse for fall? I don’t.

Charlette: I only switch for summer. Are we doing Halloween this year?

Maney : Yea, my tree’s up.

[Doctor walks in again]

Oh, okay. The man is back

Doctor: [to Maney ] Yea, ma’am, I need to speak with you to do some contact tracing. Have you been in contact with anyone who has had tested positive for covid in the past 72 hours?

Maney : Well, you just took Dee-dee away for having covid.

Doctor: Good memory. Can you confirm your name?

Maney : Yea. Maney Talkin.

Doctor: And your number of sexual partners?

Maney : Oh. Just one.

Doctor: Okay. That’s not what I have here.

Maney : I’m sorry. Could we go to commercial?

Charlette: Oh, they’re saying we ran out.

Maney : Of commercials?

Doctor: Well, the bad news is one of you ladies also tested positive but I understand you’re on live TV. So, I wanna be discreet about this. I think I’m just gonna put my hand on the head of the person who has covid.

[Doctor slowly puts his hand on Maney ‘s head]

Maney : Okay. Bye, everyone.

Ego: Wow! Well, this is very bizarre because I cannot stress enough how many times we’ve all been vaccinated.

Charlette: Countless times.

Ego: Well, let’s go on to our next topic, women buying their own engagement ring?

Charlette: I think the boy should buy it.

[The doctor walks in again and holds Charlette]

Well, sir?

Doctor: I’m sorry. We’re gonna have to remove you but I didn’t want to make a big deal of it.

Charlette: I’ve got covid?

Doctor: No. You have HPV.

Charlette: Does that mean I can’t be on TV?

Doctor: It does.

[Ego is alone on the table now]

Ego: Wow. Okay, well, looks like it’s just me now. Okay, wait, no. I’m getting word. Good news is they were false positives. Not the HPV though. See you next time!

Weekend Update Pete Davidson on the Met Gala

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set]

Colin Jost: Last month MET Gala, a fund raising event at the Metropolitan Museum of Art where celebrities typically wear outrageous costumes was criticized by some as elitist. For more on this is someone who went to the Gala, Pete Davidson.

[cheers and applause]

Pete Davidson: Yeah. Hello. Thank you. Thank you, Colin. So, Colin, how did you enjoy the MET?

Colin Jost: Oh, I actually didn’t go this year.

Pete Davidson: Really? So, wait! This isn’t you? [There’s a picture of someone wearing a full head mask on with sharp nails mohawk and a suit.] Who was I talking to all night?

Colin Jost: Did you have fun at the Gala?

Pete Davidson: Oh, it was amazing. [laughing] No, it was amazing. I got to go to the coolest even of the year and I can now say I’ve been in a museum.

Colin Jost: I did see some people were commenting on your outfit.

Pete Davidson: Yeah, I don’t know why. [there’s a picture of Pete Davidson on his MET Gala outfit.] That’s a cool dress. I look like James Bond at Quinceanera. I look like one of the three blind mice sold fentanyl. [cheers and applause] Thank you. Oh, don’t do that. No. But the truth is I already wear a dress or paint my nails sometimes, just because I like making my uncles uncomfortable.

Colin Jost: Yeah. What do they think of the outfit?

Pete Davidson: Well, my uncle Steve saw it. He was like, “Hey, I don’t get it. But whatever makes you happy. Alright? You’re still walking in my house. I’ll just put the seat down when you’re over.”

Colin Jost: So, he’s afraid that people will think you’re gay?

Pete Davidson: Yes. Just because I wore a dress. Meanwhile, here’s him at my age.

[There’s a picture of a guy who has a long curly hair and is wearing boxers and sleeveless shirt.]

That’s my uncle who’s worried I looked gay. Meanwhile, he grew up in the 80s which somehow the gayest and the most homophobic generation of all time. All the songs were about the boys and how they’re back in town. Also, his favorite movie is Top Gun. That’s as close to a movie about men being in love with each other as the 80s allowed. It’s like Brokeback in the sky. I just don’t get where guys his age are coming from. I mean, have you ever asked a man in his 40s or over 50 what they did for fun growing up? They’ll say, “Oh, we waited for our friends to pass out. Then we’d all take pictures of our balls in his face.” You know. “The men were men!”

Colin Jost: So, wait. Was your uncle actually upset?

Pete Davidson: Yeah, he was upset. But it doesn’t take much. He was just mad that Chris Pratt isn’t Italian but he’s playing Super Mario. I say why all anger at this Chris Pratt though? He’s a sweetheart. He’s a lovely guy. I mean what? You just make one bad movie and then people hate you? is that true, Colin? Did people hate you after Tom & Jerry? [laughter] No, I’m kidding. I’m kidding. It was actually the perfect pandemic movie because it made sure there’d be no large gatherings at movie theaters.

Colin Jost: Okay. Well, Pete Davidson–

Pete Davidson: Wait, I’m not done. Bring up my dress again. I got one more. [Picture of Pete Davidson at MET Gala appears] I look like Tilda Swinton on Casual Friday.

Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everyone!

Pete Davidson: I can’t believe I’m back.

Weekend Update Pays Tribute to Norm Macdonald

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of a chimpanzee at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Researchers in Uganda have observed a chimpanzee masturbating with a plastic bottle. Once full, the bottle was capped and sold as Dasani. [Picture changes to Dasani]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Eminem at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: During the opening day of Eminem’s new Detroit restaurant, the rapper surprised guests by serving them pasta himself. Not to be outdone, [picture changes to Macklemore wearing Olive Garden staff dress serving tea] Macklemore got fired from the Olive Garden.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Barack Obama at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Barack Obama has been criticized by Chicago residents who claim that his new presidential library will lead to gentrification. For me, it’s another painful reminder that Obama is half white.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Onlyfans logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A Colorado woman who posts on Onlyfans said that praying before sex with her husband allows her to experience a threesome with god. A threesome that doesn’t end until thy kingdom comes.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Well guys, it is a bitter sweet night for us tonight.

Michael Che: Yes. On September 14th, our friend Norm Macdonald passed away.

Colin Jost: Right. Norm is the reason that I ever wanted to do Weekend Update and so tonight, we thought we turn the last few jokes of Update over to Norm.

[Cut to old videos of Norm Macdonald]

Norm Macdonald: Thanks. I’m Norm Macdonald and this is the Fake News. At the White House this week, president Clinton officially came out against same sex marriages. What’s more? The president said he is not too crazy about opposite sex marriages either.

A new airport plan for San Diego would actually be located three miles out in the pacific ocean. Built on 40xMichael Che0 ft. floating cylinders. It’s all part of a plan by city officials to have a huge disaster.

A French man who calls himself the Snake Man was arrested this week after climbing up the side of a Manhattan high rise. Yes, he climbed right up the side of a high rise… just like a snake.

In a brilliant move during closing argument Simpson attorney Johnnie Cochran put on a knit cap prosecutor saying O.J. wore the night he committed the murders. Although O.J. may have heard his case when he suddenly blurted out, “Hey, easy with that. That’s my lucky stabbing hat.”

And that’s the way it is, folks. Goodnight and good luck.

Weekend Update NBA Vaccinations Disney World Turns 50

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of NBA logo and coronavirus vaccine with headline ‘Unvaccinated players not paid for missing games’ at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The NBA announced that unvaccinated players will not be paid for any games missed due to local vaccine mandates. But that won’t matter. NBA players have a long proud history of losing money because they refuse to use protection.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Caduceus at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: [laughing] Glad I didn’t tell that joke. A new study finds that young adults with depression have a higher risk of dementia later in life. Which explains Billy Eilish’s upcoming album, “Where am I?”

[Picture changes to a bucket of paint and a brush]

Purdue University researchers have created the whitest paint on record. The paint is so white, I am his favorite part of SNL.

[audience laughing]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of eggs at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A group of online SLUS are trying to track down individual who has been pelting Chicago residents with raw eggs. So, good news, Chicago may finally be running out of bullets.

[Picture changes to Walt Disney World castle]

This year marks the fifth year anniversary of Disney World. To celebrate turning 50, Disney has opened a new ride ‘Mr. Goofy’s Wild Colonoscopy’.

Weekend Update Democrats Delay Infrastructure Vote R Kelly Found Guilty

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of a calendar on October Michael Che0Michael Che0 page at left top corner.]

Very nice to be back with you. First show last season, covid was raging everywhere. There was no vaccine. We were in the middle of intense election. Just before we went on the air, the producers were like, “Hey, real quick. The president might be dying. Anyway, have fun out there.” It was exciting time for the show. Big story this year… Infrastructure. I guess that’s an improvement on survival of the human race level, but it’s not great for TV. So, we can all just pretend to be excited about this next joke. I’d really appreciate it.

[The picture changes to Capitol building]

The Infrastructure bill has been delayed indefinitely. So, I guess we’ll just cross that bridge when it collapses on top of us.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at right top corner.]

Michael Che: President Biden met with house of democrats yesterday to make a case for his build back better budget plan. No matter what you think of Biden’s plan, you got to admire the confidence of a guy with a stutter naming something the Build Back Better budget plan.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Biden getting a vaccine at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Biden also got his covid booster shot at the White House live on camera and based on this photo, it either really hurt… or felt really good.

[Picture changes to logo o Pfizer]

Pfizer has also submitted data to the FDA to approve it’s covid vaccine for kids under 11, which means they could be vaccinated by Halloween. Because what goes better with Halloween than needles? [Picture changes to a chocolate bar having needles inside it.]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of MERCK capsules at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Pharmaceutical company MERCK announced that it has developed an experimental antiviral pill that can treat people infected with covid. The treatment is just waiting for approval from either FDA or The Joe Rogan Experience.

[Picture changes to R. Kelly]

Singer R. Kelly was found guilty of racketeering and sex trafficking this week but won’t be sentenced until next May. After R. Kelly’s lawyers successfully negotiated, one more school year. In the wake of the R. Kelly verdict, there’s a growing movement online to music streaming services to remove his music. I mean after all, streaming is basically what got him in trouble in the first place.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a cross and a vaccine.]

Welcome back, Colin.

Colin Jost: It’s hard to transition out of that. Well, some catholics– [audience laughing] Some catholics around the country are claiming religious exemption to the covid vaccine. Because there’s nothing more catholic than letting someone else die for your sins.

 

Weekend Update A Black Woman Whos Been Missing for Ten Years

Colin Jost

Missing black woman… Ego Nwodim

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost:  Well, there’s been a lot of media coverage about a missing woman from Long Island, with some calling it another example of missing white woman syndrome since minority women are rarely given the same attention. Here with her thoughts is a black woman who has been missing for ten years.

[Missing black woman slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Welcome. Welcome.

Missing black woman: It’s good to be here, Colin. Honestly, it’s good to be anywhere because I had been missing, okay? It’s so frustrating. There was a white woman who went missing the same time as me and look at the photo they put out of her. [A picture of a white lady appears] Just gorgeous. Hair and make up all done. Make up, nails, all of that. Now, look at the photo they used for me. [A picture of Missing black woman appears and it’s not a good picture.] Who the hell wants to find that? Huh? I look like old dirty bastard’s dirtiest sister. And look at the white lady’s reward. $10,000. That’s a new car. Now, check out the reward for me. A $15 gift card for Chili’s Too. You got to go to an airport to use that, Colin. They’re offering chips and guacamole to find a human soul. It’s not right. And this is the worst part. At the top of my photo, they put ‘Wanted’. I’m not wanted. I’m missing! If I was wanted, I probably wouldn’t be missing. Plus the white girl got amber alert. Oh boy, every iPhone in the room started beeping and buzzing. They only put out my disappearance on Cricket Wireless. And if you opened the alert, it charged you $2.99.

Colin Jost: That is rough.

Missing black woman: Yeah.

Colin Jost: And how are you treated by the media?

Missing black woman: Not great. The newspaper headline about her disappearance was on the front page, okay? And it said “White virginal dime piece ripped from the hands of her loving, still married parents.” Not exactly sure why they needed to flaunt their marriage on missing person section. Well, okay. And mine was on page C-15 and that one read “Girl not home for 40 days, probably nothing, family cool with it.”

Colin Jost: That’s by the Obituaries.

Missing black woman: Yeah.

Colin Jost: Now, do you think that the media has to recognize its own bias in this?

Missing black woman: Oh, it’s not just the media, Colin. Even in the movies, black women can’t get attention. White women had “Gone Girl”, “Gone Baby Gone”, “Where In The World Did That Gone Girl Go?” The best black woman got was “Madea’s Witness Protection”.

Colin Jost: That’s tough. Yes.

Missing black woman: And do you remember “Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri”?

Colin Jost: Oh, yeah.

Missing black woman: Yeah, that was three billboards for one white girl. All I got was a flyer at McDonald’s that said “You’ve seen this bitch? Either way, we good.”

Colin Jost: Well, I would just like to say that here in Weekend Update, we pledge all we speak up for those without voices.

Missing black woman: Okay. Because yesterday your co-anchor posted [picture of Michael Che’s Insta post appears] “What did R. Kelly even do?”

Michael Che: What did he do? I mean, you don’t want to answer.

Colin Jost: A black woman who’s been missing for 10 years, everyone.

Missing black woman: Ya’ll haven’t even asked my name.

Colin Jost: What is your name?

Missing black woman: Dont!

Splitting the Check

Jackie… Owen Wilson

Ego Nwodim

Waiter… Aristotle Athari

Kenan Thompson

Cecily Strong

Bob… Alex Moffat

Heidi Gardner

[Starts with a group of adults at a restaurant]

Jackie: Anyway, I spent a lot of time defending sea world but they really do a terrific job with the fish.

Ego: Cool.

[waiter walks in with the check]

Waiter: Here’s your check. Whenever you’re ready. No rush.

Jackie: He was great, by the way. I think we tip him, right?

[Kenan nods his head]

Cecily: Okay. So, how should we do this?

Bob: I guess I could put it on my card?

Ego: No, no, you don’t have to do that.

Jackie: If it’s easier, we can just split it six ways.

Cecily: Well, some people had more than others.

Jackie: Did they?

Cecily: Let’s just go through and see who ordered what.

Jackie: Okay. That’s fair.

Cecily: Diet coke.

Kenan: That’s me.

Cecily: Coke zero.

Jackie: That’s me.

Cecily: Sprite zero.

Jackie: Me as well. Just obeying my thirst.

Cecily: Iced tea.

Heidi: Me.

Cecily: Arnold Palmer.

Jackie: Moi.

Cecily: Arnold Palmer with tequila.

Jackie: Ha-ha. Someone had to get the party started.

Cecily: Whole roasted chicken, extra potatoes.

Jackie: Sounds familiar.

Cecily: Flat iron pork chop, sub out broccoli for potatoes.

Jackie: Okay, no, no, no. Wait. That, I ordered for the table. Although, I probably ate the lion share of it.

Cecily: 98 ounce quarter house steak.

Jackie: Don’t look at me because I didn’t get that. I’m serious. I didn’t get that. There’s now way. Come on.

Cecily: There’s a photo of you on the wall eating it.

Jackie: Well, maybe.

Cecily: Four bacon cheese burgers to go.

Jackie: Okay, I’m off the hot seat. Bob, that’s you.

Bob: I’m a vegetarian.

Jackie: Little too much information.

Cecily: The Carson Daly, chicken broth and vodka.

Jackie: Yeah, I was trying to switch it up. A man cannot live on tequila alone.

Cecily: Five shots of tequila but leave them on the bathroom so my friends don’t find out.

Ego: I’m actually more concerned that you called us friends.

Bob: A dozen raw eggs still in the container.

Jackie: That I’ll admit was a little grocery shopping. I don’t expect you guys to pay for that.

Heidi: A bottle of your nicest white wine with a note that says, “Please take me back, Jennifer, I am so, so sorry. I know we can make this work if you just tell the judge you were lying.”

Jackie: They wrote that on the bill? Why? Just to embarrass me?

Cecily: No. They charged you because you asked for it to be done by a calligrapher.

Jackie: Beautiful.

Cecily: Bowl of turkey chilly with a rum floater.

Jackie: Did I do that? Urkle.

Cecily: Another small side of potatoes.

Kenan: That actually was me. Those potatoes did look good.

Cecily: And a Cadillac margarita.

Jackie: Hey, it’s 5 AM somewhere, right?

Heidi: AM?

Jackie: Is anyone else really blacking out right now?

[Kenan hits the table]

Kenan: Mr. Jackie St. Croix St. Thomas, we invited you to this meeting because you said you uncovered a map that would show us a true location of the holy grail.

Bob: We’ve been more than patient with you. Now produce the map at once!

Heidi: There are interested parties, [whispering] Nazis, who are mot eager to possess it.

Jackie: Great. I’m just gonna come clean. I’m not the successful dentist turned janitor turned influencer you all thought I was. And I don’t have the map. [Jackie slowly puts his hat] Because it belongs in a museum.

[Jackie stands. Everyone is shocked.]

Kenan: It’s him!

Cecily: Dr. Indianapolis Bones?

[Cut to outro]

Male voice: The adventures of Indianapolis Bones.

[Cut to the restaurant. Waiter walks in with a gun in his hand.]

Waiter: Not so fast, Dr. Bones.

Jackie: Nothing my trusty whip can’t handle!

[Jackie pulls out his whip. Waiter shoots at him and Jackie falls.]

Cecily: Oh! You killed him! You killed Dr. Bones in the first episode?

Male voice: Only on Amazon Prime. We’re still figuring it out.

 

School Board Meeting

Ego Nwodim

Alex Moffat

Jane… Cecily Strong

Punkie Johnson

Chris Redd

Heidi Gardner

Mikey Day

Mr. Dod… Owen Wilson

Mr. Dod Yang

Jan… Aidy Bryant

Kyle Mooney

Andrew Dismukes

Dog the bounty hunter… Pete Davidson

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez… Melissa Villaseñor

Scary Gary Loomis… Kenan Thompson

Aristotle Athari

Chloe Fineman

[Starts with an channel show schedule]

Male voice: You’re watching Lucerne County Community Channel Mr. Dod. Next, a still image of YMCA Youth Soccer Schedule for six days. But now, The District 7 School Board Meeting.

[Cut to the school meeting.]

Ego: Motion passes. The name of Robert E. Lee Middle School will be changed to Robert E. Lee Was Bad Middle School. Now, we know there’ve been lots of questions about the school district’s covid safety policy, so we open the floor to the public. Ma’am?

Jane: Hello. My name is Jane Nordling Smythe! I am concerned and I am also crazy. Let’s begin. The Johnson Johnson and Johnson are from cause a Fauci, okay? And the Fauci’s only part of it. But not on T-Mobile because this, all of this, this is about Israel.

Alex: Ma’am. Do you have a question about the school district’s covid policy or your child’s safety?

Jane: I don’t have a child and I don’t live in this town.

Alex: Then you should not be here. Next!

Punkie: So, I’m confused. My son can’t play football because they say vaccine he got wasn’t valid.

Ego: Okay, well, that was probably an error. Which vaccine did he receive?

Punkie: He got Mike’s Hard vaccine.

Ego: Mike’s Hard vaccine? Yes, that’s definitely not on the approved list.

Chris: [yelling at Punkie] I told you, ma! I told you that gal was lying.

Ego: Okay, next!

Heidi: Hi. I’m so mad, I’m literally shaking right now. Forget covid. The real threat is critical race theory being taught in our schools. My question is what is it and why am I mad about it?

Ego: We are taking questions about the covid protocols. Yes, sir. Hello.

Mikey: Hi there. If a child tests positive, is the school authorized to give them Ivertypacatraz? Which I took and cured my covid in basically half a day.

Alex: What exactly is that?

Mikey: It’s a hormone given to elephants in captivity to boost sperm production and it’s very safe. My son took it and had no adverse effects.

[Cut to his son. He is a kid but he has full grown beard.]

Ego: We are not authorized to administer any treatment. Next.

Mr. Dod: Hi there. I’m Mr. Dod. I teach Earth Science at Robert E. Lee… Was Bad Middle School. And look, I know we’re just trying to keep our students safe but I’ve looked into it and I can’t find any proof that separating students by race is gonna stop covid transmission.

Ego: Is that something you’re doing in class?

Mr. Dod: Yes, and I prefer not to. The science just doesn’t back it up. I mean, not to mention I think it’s frankly a little racist.

Alex: [shocked] It’s a lot racist! And it’s also not part of our covid policy.

Mr. Dod: No. I mean, I’ve got the memo right here. [pulls out a paper] It says… Oh! Okay. I see now it says ‘separate by six feet’, not ‘segregate by six feet’. Okay. That’s my bad. Bonehead alert! Well, I’m glad that mystery solved. It’s been a weird two weeks. Thanks guys.

Ego: We are so getting sued over that. Next!

[9 is just warming up at the table. He is an asian man with white dreadlocks.]

Alex: Sir, do you have a question?

9: [in loud voice] Barack Hussein Obama–

Ego: No! We’re not doing that. Next!

Jan: Jan Krang. J-A-N K-Rang! This is not about the covar virus. It’s is about the high school teens who meet in the parking lot near my home to vape and anal each other.

Ego: Ms. Krang, no! Ah-ah-ah! No, Ms. Krang. Good bye. Hi boys.

Kyle: Hi. We’re juniors at mid high school. Our question is, why can’t we game in class?

Ego: Again. We’re hearing covid safety issues only, but you’re at school to learn, not game.

Andrew: [small voice] Bitch!

[Ego is trying to stand, but Alex holds her down]

Mr. Dod: Sorry, it’s me again. I emailed my class. I told them the separating by race was a big misunderstanding and they actually want to keep it. Is that okay? No, right?

Ego: No.

Mr. Dod: Okay, got you. And you guys are doing a heck of a job. You really are.

Ego: Yes. And you are not. Wait, are you Dog the bounty hunter?

Dog the bounty hunter: Damn right I am! [smoking a cigarette] As you know, I’ve joined the hunt for Brian Laundrie. So my question to you is, do you know where he is? Because I can’t find this dude anywhere.

Ego: We do not.

Dog the bounty hunter: Are you sure? I got no leads on this guy. Either he’s good or I’m bad. One of the two.

Alex: Yes, we will let you know if we see him.

Dog the bounty hunter: Yea, that would mean the world to me, bro.

Ego: Right. And now, folks, this is about the covid policy at the district schools only. Next.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: Hello.

Ego: No! Ah-ah! Because I can already tell what you’re about to do or say will not be on topic. No.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: Smart lady!

Alex: Next? Yes, you sir.

Kyle: Yes, hi. I want to know what you are doing to keep my son safe from the lies of Barack Hussein Obama?

Ego: No! No! No more of that! No, what is wrong with you people? Alright, next?

Gary: Oh, it’s just me, Scary Gary Loomis, resident Halloween buff. And I would like to appeal the cancellation of my haunted house in high school gym. It’s only 400 actors dressed as freaky frights, screaming and spitting ooze at the students.

Ego: Gary, that room is unventilated. Appeal denied.

Gary: [angry face] You gonna regret this.

Alex: We won’t. Okay, next.

[three students are there. Two wearing cheer leading dress and one with a guitar]

Melissa: You guys ready?

Chloe: [singing] Science!

Aristotle: [singing] Fear!

Melissa: Which one prevail?

Alex: Sorry! No, I’m sorry. I literally don’t have the energy for whatever this performance is. Anyone else?

[9 comes all hyped up again]

Sir, is this about school district’s covid policy?

[9 nods his head]

9: Hillary Rodham Hussein Clinton!

Alex: No! No!

Ego: I can’t believe we fell for that again. Alright. Any more questions?

[There’s no one at the table]

[Gary sneaks at the back of Ego and Alex and shouts in surprise]

Gary: [yelling] Let me do my haunted house!

[Ego and Alex jump scared]

Ego: No! Meeting adjourned.

 

Owen Wilson Monologue

Owen Wilson

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Owen Wilson.

[Owen Wilson walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Owen Wilson: Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. Hello. Yes, we are doing it. The season premiere of Saturday Night Live. [cheers and applause] Now, a lot has changed since the last season. The vaccine came out everywhere except Florida. The rest of the country went back to normal for about a week and a half. But it is wonderful to be here around people again. I’ve got my two brothers here.

[cut to Owen Wilson’s brothers sitting at the audience]

[cheers and applause]

Now, first, I’m a little bit nervous to be here but I’m gonna use something I learned growing up being a middle child where sometimes you’re the forgotten one, so you got to tap into this feeling with your parents. It’s kind of, “Hey, get a load of me.” Of course, if you tap into that feeling too much, you may find yourself at military school in New Mexico at 16 like I did. My dad always said he was the charter member of the 3-7-9-0 club. Three sons, seven high schools, nine colleges, zero degrees. Which was actually pretty generous of my dad to put it like that because my brothers only went to one high school and college each.

But listen, I’m excited to be here doing something live. I mean, this is what musicians talk about where you get that instant feedback from the crowd because of course, when you do a movie, you do it and you wait a year to hear how you did. But that’s not the case tonight. Reviews will be coming in immediately. People are probably tweeting reviews right now. And I know they say, “Don’t read reviews”, or actually they say, “If you read the good ones, you got to read the bad ones.” That’s not true. I just read the good ones. I really find that the bad ones, they don’t really speak to me in the same way. Plus now, Rotten Tomatoes has that green thing to tell you which ones to stay away from. Although, every once in a while, a bad one will make it pass my radar. I remember one bad one years ago that said “Owen Wilson’s on screen persona has all the ambition of an old golden retriever laying next to a fire.” And it just kind of got worse from there.

And to be honest, I probably have been guilty at times of coasting a little, taking my foot off the pedal, but I’ll tell you what. When Daniel Day-Lewis retired and all that pressure landed on my shoulders, everything changed. And that’s when I knew I had to do Cars-3 and really– [audience laughing] And really, that’s what tonight’s about. Taking chances. Spreading your wings as an artist. But you don’t want to go crazy. You got to paste yourself. And is it worst thing in the world being a golden retriever laying next to a fire? I mean, I know everyone comes out here and says, “It’s going to be a great show!” Is it? I don’t know. I mean, I’m betting on it, of course. I’m betting on a lot of things lately. I’ve a bit of gambling problem. But hey, when we lose on the rooms, we make on the sandwiches. Right? So, I guess what I’m trying to say is put on your coziest flannel and maybe we just chill out for the next 90 minutes. Close your eyes, get comfy. Now I know they said, “Owen, come on. We don’t want to encourage people to be sleeping.” Yes, but also I’m not going to stand here and tell people not to dream. And in my America, most people dream better with their eyes closed. Now come on, who’s with me?

We have a great show for you tonight. Kacey Musgraves is here.  So, stick around and we’ll be right back.