Last Call with Dave Chappelle

Bartender… Kenan Thompson

Corey Dipships… Dave Chappelle

Sheila Savage… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Bartender calling for the last call at the bar booth]

Bartender: Alright drunky McDrunks. Last call. Hook up now or go home and hump your body pillows.

Corey Dipships: Hang on, bartender. Give me one more of those scotch and pepto. I got a case of the squirts but I still want to drink.

Sheila Savage: Make mine a gin and sonic please. That’s gin with a little hamburger in it. What have i got to lose besides another foot? Ha-ha-ha.

Bartender: Oh, brother.

Corey Dipships: [looking at Sheila Savage] Well, well, well. Is this thanksgiving yet? Looks like there’s one little butterball rolling around in the freezer.

Sheila Savage: Why don’t you set me on the counter and let me come to room temp before you stuff my butt full of cornbread, huh?

[Bartender looks pissed off and shows a yellow card]

Bartender: Yellow card.

Sheila Savage: You mind if I plot my slop a little closer?

Corey Dipships: Sure, let me just love my briefcase. By briefcase, I mean zip-loc bag filled with emergency underwear. Bartender, do you have a coat check?

Bartender: Yes, sir. [receiving the zip-loc bag using a tong] I’ll take care of it.

Sheila Savage: You know, I was looking at you because you have that certain still here quality.

Corey Dipships: And I noticed you because the whole back of your shirt is burnt out.

Sheila Savage: Well jokes on you, coz it’s the front. A rival tried to set me on fire and she did it. Hi, I’m Sheila Savage.

Corey Dipships: I feel like I’ve seen you before.

Sheila Savage: Uh-huh. You might recognize me from ABC’s “What would you do?” I was the one that didn’t help the tourist getting mugged. Matter of fact, I joined in. So, what ‘s on your driver’s license?

Corey Dipships: Besides legally blind and organ needer? Well, it’s got the name Corey Dipships, which is weird because I ship dips to Korea.

Sheila Savage: Get out!

Corey Dipships: Yeah.

Sheila Savage: That’s crazy. I’ve been banned from Chinatown.

Corey Dipships: Oh? Something’s happening here.

Bartender: Yeah. It’s called the first sign of the apocalypse.

[a frog falls down in front of Bartender]

Corey Dipships:  You know, when I first saw you, I was like, “F- no!” But now, I’m like, “F-I guess.”

Sheila Savage: You had me at when I remembered there are detectives waiting for me at my apartment. You feeling what I’m feeling?

Corey Dipships: If it’s resignation, then yes.

Sheila Savage: Hey, what’s your sign?

Corey Dipships: Oh, I’m on the cusp. You see, my head poked out on Tuesday, but I keep my feet in till Friday. What’s your sign?

Sheila Savage: Vagitarius.

[Bartender is blowing blow-horns on his both ears.]

Bartender: Good. Now, I can’t hear things.

Sheila Savage: Alright, alright. I can take a hint. Hey, why don’t we go back to your place and 67?

Corey Dipships: 67?

Sheila Savage: that’s me trying to get at your junk while you’re like this. [posing with her arms spread in front.]

Corey Dipships: I would rather go back to my place and do a little 66.

Sheila Savage: Oh yeah? What’s that?

Corey Dipships: That’s you facing away from me and I just work on myself.

Bartender: Look, just seat the deal so I can power wash your stools.

Sheila Savage: Slugger, looks like you just hit a grounder and you’re headed to first base.

Corey Dipships: Well, that’s good because I have a rod and it’s as unpopular as the ball player.

Sheila Savage: Alright. Let me just get my axe body spray on .

[Corey Dipships and dSheila Savage are spraying on themselves] [Corey Dipships and Sheila Savage start kissing] [Bartender is washing his eyes]

Wow, it as de-rotic.

Corey Dipships: Yeah, you gave me a hard-off.

Sheila Savage: Hang on. Hang on. I think these dark times, we need a little grace and a little beauty. Let’s bellagio this sucker. Huh?
Corey Dipships: Let’s do it.

Sheila Savage: Bartender, a little WC please.

[Bartender plays music on the jukebox.] [Corey Dipships and Sheila Savage are spraying water on teach other and kissing.] [Bartender is now sobbing looking at them]

Bartender: Dammit, Anthony! You let her get to you. Well, time to be a good guy with a gun.

[Bartender pulls a gun out shoots at Corey Dipships and Sheila Savage]

Sheila Savage: Hey, we’re making out over here!

Election Week Cold Open

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Hillary Clinton playing a piano]

Hillary Clinton: [singing] Well I’ve heard there was a secret chord
That David played and it pleased the Lord
But you don’t really care for music, do you?
Well it goes like this, the fourth, the fifth,
the minor fall and the major lift

The baffled king composing Hallelujah

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

Maybe I’ve been here before
I’ve seen this room and I’ve walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew ya’

And I’ve seen your flag on the marble arch
And love is not a victory march
It’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

I did my best, it wasn’t much
I couldn’t feel so I tried to touch
I told the truth, I didn’t come to fool ya

And even though it all went wrong
I’ll stand before the lord of song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

[Hillary Clinton looks at the camera]

I’m not giving up and neither should you. And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Presidential Message Before Election Cold Open

Erin Burnett… Cecily Strong

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

FBI agent… Alex Moffat

Vladimir Putin… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Erin Burnett OutFront intro] [Cut to Erin Burnett in her set]

Erin Burnett: Good evening and welcome to Erin Burnett OutFront. I’m Erin Burnett. For the next 72 hours, we’ll be bringing you non-stop election coverage. And my neighbors who are watching, please don’t feed my dog. Race has been tightening all week and tonight we have both candidates with us to make their case to voters one last time. Joining me from Florida is Secretary Hillary Clinton, and from Colorado, Donald Trump.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.] [cheers and applause] [Cut to Erin Burnett]

How are you both doing this week?

Donald Trump: Really, really great, Erin. [Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.] They’re all so buying it.

Hillary Clinton: Yeah, it has been a great week for me too. Um, my fav part was when I lost that great big lead I had. But I am not worried, Erin. It might be the bottom of the 9th and it’s tied and it’s raining. But this old Chicago cub is still gonna bring it home.

Donald Trump: You are not, Hillary. Coz I am building a lot of momentum. The polls are showing that we are neck and [showing his neck] whatever this is here.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Yeah. And you’ve travelled to four different states just today. What gives you the energy for all that?

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.]

Donald Trump: My deep love for America. And a really, really big handful of uppers that are meant for resources.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Okay. Well, let’s get to what’s obviously the big story of the week.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton with her fingers crossed]

Hillary Clinton: Please be his taxes. Please be his taxes. Please be his taxes.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Secretary Clinton’s emails.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton cringing]

Hillary Clinton: Ew-okay.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: FBI director Jim Comey announced that they’re looking into more emails that were discovered on Anthony Weiner’s laptop.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: That’s right. I called it. And these emails are very bad for you, Hillary. That’s why I never, ever use email. It’s too risky. Instead, I use a very private, very secure site where one can whatever they want to and no one will read it. It’s called Twitter.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Mr. Trump, everyone can see your tweets.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.]

Donald Trump: Really? And I’m still in this thing? America, you must really hate this lady.

Hillary Clinton: [laughing] They do.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Now, it’s highly unusual for the FBI to make an announcement like this so close to the election.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Oh yeah, you think? I mean, am I cringy or does it sort of seem like the FBI is trying to get Donald Trump elected president?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: No, no. That is crazy cuckoo. The FBI is not trying to help me. The FBI does not like me. I mean, what even is the FBI?

[FBI agent walks in]

FBI agent: Hey, I’m gonna go grab some coffee, you want something?

Donald Trump: No, I’m good. Thanks sweetie.

FBI agent: Okay.

[Donald Trump kisses FBI agent and FBI agent leaves] [Cut to Hillary Clinton looking shocked]

Hillary Clinton: Erin! Erin! Erin! You saw that, right? He kissed an FBI guy? Yeah?

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: It doesn’t seem like enough of a story. Let’s get back to your emails.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: [screaming] Oh! Yeah. Boy, I could really go for another Donald Trump audio link right about now. Hey! Mark Burnett, Mark, my baby, I know you’re sitting on some pretty racist tapes of Donald on the Apprentice. So, Mark, as they say I’m a wheel of fortune, give me a an ‘N’.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Secretary Clinton, there is no proof that a tape of Mr. Trump saying the N word actually exists.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.]

Hillary Clinton: Erin, are you cray? Of course that tape exists.

Donald Trump: Erin, Erin, Erin, it does exist.

Hillary Clinton: See? See? I need someone to release something on this guy. I mean, I’ve got the whole Russian government helping release stuff on me coz Russian loves Donald and Donald loves Putin.

Donald Trump: No, no, no. She’s a liar. I don’t know Putin. I have never met Putin. What is even a Putin?

[Vladimir Putin walks in half naked.]

Vladimir Putin: I’m running to store. Do you need anything?

Donald Trump: No, I’m good. Thanks sweetie.

Vladimir Putin: Alright.

[Donald Trump kisses Vladimir Putin and Vladimir Putin leaves] [Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Erin! Erin! Erin! He kissed Putin. He kissed Putin on live TV.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Secretary, that can mean anything. Let’s get back to your emails.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.]

Hillary Clinton: [screaming] Oh!

Donald Trump: These emails are huge scandal. I heard it’s even bigger than White Water.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: I’m not sure that’s quite true, Mr. Trump.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Why are you defending her, Erin? Are you a les with her? Because I hear it from a lot of people that you are lessing her.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: that doesn’t even make sense.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: It doesn’t matter, Erin, because I said it. And now, half the country believes it. But P.S., no one loves gay people more than me, okay? I am a huge supporter of the LB community.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: You mean the LGBT community?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: No, just the L and the B.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: You see Erin? Okay, this is how he talks. He pretends to be pro-gay but then his running mate believes in conversion therapy. He says he is not racist but this week the KKK endorsed him for president.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: No. No. No. I don’t know the KKK. I mean, what even is a K?

[a KKK walks in with the white cult outfit on]

KKK member: Hey, I’m gonna go for a run. Do you wanna come?

Donald Trump: Um, no thanks. I’m good, sweetie

[Donald Trump kisses the KKK member and he leaves] [Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Erin, the KKK. Can we talk about how he kissed the KKK?

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Yeah, I wish we could but we’re almost out of time. So, let’s get back to your emails.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: [sighs] What is happening? Is the whole world insane? Donald Trump has single handedly ruined so much of what we as Americans hold dear. Kindness, decency, tic tacs, skittles, taco balls, father daughter dances, buses, bright red hats, the word ‘great’, the color orange, men. But look, if you want to elect him president on Tuesday, okay! Go ahead. But then in four years once you all realize you’ve been tricked, you’re gonna come running back to me begging me to run again and guess what idiots? I’ll do it.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.]

Donald Trump: Erin, here is the bottomline, okay? Hillary Clinton is the most corrupt person ever to run for president. She is a liar. She is a crook.

Hillary Clinton: No.

Donald Trump: And frankly, she should be in jail. And when I am president, I will assign a special prosecutor–

Hillary Clinton: No, no, no, no.

Donald Trump: –to make sure that she never–

[Donald Trump looks down and around] [sighs] I’m sorry Kate. I just hate yelling all this stuff at you like this.

[Cut to a shot where Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are standing side by side, just their backgrounds are different.]

Hillary Clinton: Yeah. I know, right? This whole election has been so mean.

[Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton walk close to each other]

Donald Trump: I mean, I just feel gross all the time. I mean, don’t you guys feel gross all the time about this? [cheers and applause]

Hillary Clinton: You know what I think can help us? Let’s get out of here.

Donald Trump: What? Where will we go?

Hillary Clinton: You’ll see.

[music playing] [Hillary Clinton grabs Donald Trump by his hand and pulls him] [they run out to the streets. They raise hands and run into the public. They start hugging strangers in the public.] [Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton run back to the SNL stage]

Donald Trump: Whoo! I needed that!

Hillary Clinton: I needed that. I feel so much better.

Donald Trump: Yeah. And now it’s time to get out there and vote. None of this will have mattered if you don’t vote.

Hillary Clinton: And we can’t tell you who to vote for but on Tuesday, we all get a chance to choose what kind of country we want to live in.

Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Benedict Cumberbatch Monologue

Benedict Cumberbatch

Tilda Switon… Kate McKinnon

Leslie Jones

Sasheer Zamata

Cecily Strong

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Benedict Cumberbatch.

[Benedict Cumberbatch walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Benedict Cumberbatch: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. It’s so, so great to be here hosting Saturday Night Live on the last week of America as we know it. I know the political situation is really tense in America right now. So, you know, I tell you what we British do when the going gets tough and it feels like the whole world’s crashing down around you. We drink. We drink so much. But on the brighter note, this weekend is the opening of my movie, Doctor Strange. [cheers and applause] And you know what? It’s specially exciting because I get to play a lead in a major Hollywood film. And now more people maybe know my name but they don’t really know me. So, I thought I’d try this American past time. I believe it’s called bragging. Am I saying that right? Brag. So, indulge me for a moment and allow me to introduce myself. [Slow music starts playing. Leslie, Sasheer, Cecily and Melissa join him dancing in the stage]

Leslie: His name is Benedict.

Sasheer: That’s right.

Benedict Cumberbatch: Oh, yeah. now let me tell you something quick and right and good.

Leslie: Give it to them, baby.

Benedict Cumberbatch: [singing] Oscar nominated, I’m the king of the screen
But the greatest swag of all is my CBE from a Queen

Ladies: What’s that?

Benedict Cumberbatch: Um, commander of the British Empire. It’s sort of like being a knight but a little lower. I got the certificate in the mails.

Ladies: That’s cool.

Leslie: You’re a knight to me, Benedict. I’m one of you Cumber-bitches..

Benedict Cumberbatch: Oh, yeah. And to be fair, I didn’t pick that name for my fans. I would prefer Cumber-people or Cumber-sums. But you know, they’re wonderful and devoted people. They write a whole lot of fan fiction about me on the internet. And let me tell you, it’s genuinely unsettling.

Ladies: Yes, it’s weird.

Leslie: Did you read my story? Sherlock Holmes in the case of the missing underwear?

Benedict Cumberbatch: No, I didn’t.

[singing] I don’t need to tell you, I know what you’re seeing
but every role I play is always some kind of genius

Ladies: He is smart.

Leslie: That’s right baby. Like, Sherlock Holmes.

Benedict Cumberbatch: Mr. Genius.

Leslie: Like Khan from Startrek

Benedict Cumberbatch: Evil genius.

Leslie: Alan Turning

Benedict Cumberbatch: Gay computer genius

Leslie: And Doctor Strange.

Benedict Cumberbatch: Genius wearing cloak.

Leslie: Hey, Doctor Strange. I think I feel a lump. Can you feel it?

Benedict Cumberbatch: Leslie, once again, look, I’m not a real medical doctor. And that’s not a lump. That’s your full breast.

Leslie: Can I get a second opinion?

Benedict Cumberbatch: Maybe later.

[singing] Leading ladies love me and my co-stars are smitten
from Knightley to McAdams and a bald Tilda Switon.

[Bald Tilda Switon walks in behind Benedict Cumberbatch]

Tilda Switon: Hello Benedict.

Benedict Cumberbatch: Whoa! Tilda? How did you get here?

Tilda Switon: I opened a portal by doing this. [gesturing their hands like they do in Doctor Strange] I’m just kidding, I took an Uber pool.

Ladies: Uber pool.

Tilda Switon: Would you like to do a little rif with me?

Benedict Cumberbatch: I would be honored.

Wow-oo-wow–oo-wow, yeah, yeah

[Tilda Switon takes the mic from Benedict Cumberbatch]

Tilda Switon: [singing] Ahhhhhhhhhhh!

Benedict Cumberbatch: Now, what’s my name?

Ladies: Benedict Cumberbatch.

Benedict Cumberbatch: Now, sing it nasty.

Ladies: Benedict Cumberbatch.

Benedict Cumberbatch: Now, say it like the queen.

Ladies: Benedict Cumberbatch.

Benedict Cumberbatch: I’m a mother loving Cumberbatch.

Ladies: He’s a mother loving Cumberbatch.

Benedict Cumberbatch: The mother loving Cumberbatch.

[music stops]

Well, we got a great show for you here tonight. Solange is here. So stick around and we will be right back. Thank you.

Bachelorette Party

Vanessa Bayer

Kate McKinnon

Melissa Villaseñor

Grammy… Aidy Bryant

Heather… Cecily Strong

Brad… Mikey Day

Roy… Benedict Cumberbatch

[Starts with three ladies planning a surprise party]

Vanessa: Okay, Heather just texted, she and Grammy are outside. Everyone hide.

Kate: Okay. Okay.

[Everyone hides] [Cut to Grammy and Heather getting in.]

Grammy: Oh, I’m just saying it was so cold in the restaurant that I ruined my dinner.

Heather: Okay, okay. Grammy, we are all so happy that you’re getting remarried at 83.

Grammy: Okay, Heather, why are you doing a speech at me in the dark?

Heather: I know you didn’t want a bachelorette party, so we had to make it a…

[ladies who were hiding come out]

All: Surprise!

[Grammy is shocked]

Kate: Ha-ha! Look at her. She had no idea. Ha-ha-ha.

[Grammy is still shocked]

Melissa: Hurry, hurry. Get her in the chair.

All: [hooting] In the chair! In the chair!

[Grammy slowly takes Heather to the chair. But Heather dies of shock but nobody notices it.]

Melissa: Alright, that’s better. Here we go. [putting a party-glasses and props on her]

Vanessa: Ha-ha-ha. Gentlemen! She is ready.

[Two young men dressed as construction workers walk in with a boombox.]

Brad: Hey, we’re from the construction company.

Roy: We have a delivery of some heavy wood.

Kate: Ha-ha! [pointing at Grammy] Ester is speechless. We finally found a way to shut her up.

Roy: Hey Brad, crank a tune.

Brad: Oh, yeah.

[Brad turns on a rock song and they start stripping for Grammy]

Heather: Alright!

[Brad and Roy throw their shirts on Grammy’s face. It’s stuck there.]

No, no, no. No hiding, Grammy. [Heather pulls the shirts off her face]

Brad: Hey! Should we get Grammy a fun sandwich, Roy?

Roy: Let’s do it.

[Heather and Melissa are so excited] [Brad and Roy push Grammy’s head back and forth on their crotches.] [Ladies are cheering]

Kate: Oh, biscuits! This is wild!

Vanessa: I know. Grammy, are you loving it?

[The gentlemen are twerking on Grammy’s face]

Brad: I think she worked up quite an apetite. Roy?

Roy: Yeah! Well, I’m hungry?

Brad: Let’s get her some dessert.

[Brad sprays creme on his belly and rubs it on Grammy’s face]

Yeah! Yeah!

[Roy starts to spray creme on Grammy’s mouth]

Roy: Eat em all.

Brad: You want cherry on that bad boy?

Roy: Do it! You know I like cherry.

[Brad puts a cherry on top of creme that’s on Grammy’s mouth]

Brad: Woo. Yeah, get it.

[Roy eats the cherry off of Grammy’s mouth]

Roy: Oh, my favorite flavor, her mouth.

Brad: Yeah!

Melissa: Hey boys, give us a taste.

Heather: Yeah. Yeah. Wooo!

[Brad and Roy start twerking on other ladies]

Kate: Oh my goodness! Ester! Ester! I’m still in your man over here. Look out.

Heather: Oh my god, look, Grammy’s so embarrassed that she’s trying to hide.

[Grammy us just slipping down from the chair. She falls on the floor. She is lying facing down.]

Kate: Oh my goodness! Oh my goodness! I have never seen anything like this.

[Brad and Roy rolls Grammy’s body over]

Heather: Grammy, get up. Just have fun.

Brad: Yes, stop hiding from us. We actually like her on the floor.

Roy: Yeah. She can be like, the spar for our full body workout.

Brad: Yeah.

[Brad and Roy do the workout on Grammy] [Melissa and Heather are very excited]

Vanessa: Grammy, when Herman hears about this, you’re dead.

[Brad pulls Grammy up]

Brad: Come here, baby. Ooh! Up!

Kate: You know, I really love what your generation has done with this bachelorette party.

Brad: Oh my god! Ma’am? Ma’am?

Vanessa: What’s wrong?

Roy: Um, your grammy is like, our onethousandth customer.

Brad: Which means, she gets a free dance from the world series champion, Chicago Cubs.

[Three more gentlemen enter the room] [cheers and applause]

Heather: Oh, my god! Those are the real Chicago Cubs!

Gentleman: What’s up, girls? Who wants to hear the Grammy slam?

Ross: Don’t worry Grandma, Grandpa Ross is gonna take good care of you.

Gentleman: It’s your lucky night, we’re about to pull a triple header.

Brad: Ooh! You heard the Cubs. Let’s play ball.

[music playing] [All the gentlemen are stripping for Grammy]

Haunted Elevator (ft. David S. Pumpkins)

Kate McKinnon

Beck Bennett

Mark… Kenan Thompson

David Pumpkins… Tom Hanks

[Starts with 100 Floors of Frights intro]

Announcer: Welcome to 100 Floors of Frights. Enter at your own risk.

[Cut to Kate and Beck getting inside the elevator. Mark is standing inside the elevator.]

Kate: Do you things jump right at you at this ride?

Beck: Yeah, babe. It’s a scary ride.

Mark: Good evening. I am your elevator operator Mark. Now please, hold on as this ride goes boom, in the night.

Kate: Oh! Don’t make fun of me if I scream, okay?

Beck: It’s a 100 Floors of Frights babe, I’ll probably be screaming too.

Mark: And now, hold on for dear death. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[The elevator door opens. There’s a woman wearing a wedding dress, holding flowers in one hand and a rope in the other.]

The women: Winafred Rogers got cold feet, and hung herself in a honeymoon suite

[the elevator door closes]

Kate: Oh, my god!

Beck: You totally dropped.

Kate: So did you.

Mark: Floor 20. Hall of our five scar restaurant.

[The elevator door opens. There’s a waiter with a big plate in his hands and the meal is covered.]

Waiter: Today’s special, your head. [When he opens the cover, it’s Kate’s head.] [The elevator door closes]

Kate: Ah! That was my head! Is that why they take your picture when you enter the park?

Mark: I’m not telling. 49th floor.

Beck: Here we go. Here we go.

[The elevator door opens. There is David Pumpkins with two other people. He is wearing a suit that hast pumpkins printed on it. The other two are wearing skeleton skin costume.]

David Pumpkins: How’s it hanging? I’m David Pumpkins. And I’m gonna scare the hell out of you.

[music playing] [David Pumpkins and the two skeletons start dancing]

Any questions?

[The elevator door closes] [Kate and Beck say nothing. They are confused.]

Mark: Scared to speechless?

Beck: Oh, no. No. I’m just trying to wrap my head around, David Pumpkins? I mean, are we supposed to know who that is?

Kate: Yeah. It was just a guy in a pumpkin suit with two B-boy skeletons. I don’t get how that’s scary.

Mark: Well, you don’t get frights. You fear them. 26th floor.

[The elevator door opens. There’s a lady ghost wearing white pajamas and has black hair covering all her face.]

Lady: Can I sleep in your bed tonight? [screaming] [The elevator door closes]

Kate: Yeah. I get why she is here.

Beck: Yeah. Creepy girl from ‘The Ring’. But David Pumpkins? I mean, is he from something?

Kate: Yeah. Like, is he from a local commercial?

Mark: Well, the scariest thing to the mind is the unknown.

[The elevator door opens. There’s David Pumpkins and his dancers again.]

David Pumpkins: I’m David Pumpkins.

Beck: I know. But like, who are you?

David Pumpkins: I’m David Pumpkins, man!

Kate: Okay. Yeah, yeah, and David Pumpkins is?

David Pumpkins: Is own thang!

Beck: And the skeletons are?

Skeletons: Part of it!

Kate: Why are you a part of this ride?

David Pumpkins: To do this.

[music playing] [David Pumpkins and the skeletons start dancing]

What’s my name?

Skeletons: David S. Pumpkins.

David Pumpkins: Any questions?

[The elevator door closes]

Beck: Yes! Several! I mean, he has a middle initial now? I am so in the weave for David Pumpkins.

Kate: Babe, don’t let David Pumpkins ruin your night.

Mark: David S. Pumpkins! Floor 99.

[The elevator door opens] [There is a woman wearing straitjacket with a huge chainsaw. She turns on the chainsaw.]

Woman: [screaming] Ah! I’m crazy… for… David Pumpkins.

[music playing] [Crazy woman starts dancing.  David Pumpkins and the two skeletons join her.] [The elevator door closes]

Kate: How much David Pumpkins is in this?

Mark: Um, 73 out of 100 floors.

Beck: Why did you go all in on David Pumpkins?

Mark: Ay, look! It’s 100 floors of frights. They’re not all going to be winners. Floor 100.

[The elevator door opens. There are two skeletons of David Pumpkins.]

Kate: Okay. So now it’s just the skeletons?

Skeletons: Ready or now? Here we dance.

[music playing] [The skeletons start dancing]

Happy Halloween!

[Cut to Kate and Beck looking at the skeletons with attention. David Pumpkins is sitting just behind him.]

David Pumpkins: [by surprise] Any questions?

[Kate and Beck are scared to death.]

Halloween Block Party

Todd… Tom Hanks

Jill… Cecily Strong

Kenan Thompson

Jennifer… Leslie Jones

Kate McKinnon

Beck Bennett

Alexia… Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with three couples planning Halloween party]

Todd: Okay, great. Thanks again, everybody, for coming over to plan next week’s Halloween block party.

Jill: Yes, it’s gonna be the best one yet.

[Cut to Kenan and Jennifer]

Kenan: Jill, Todd, I have a question. I’m looking at the flyer for the block party and right up at the top of costume parade, it says that “Jill and Todd are going to be on the main stage from 9 PM to ?” What is that?

[Cut to Todd and Jill]

Jill: Um-hmm.

Todd: Yeah. That’s our show.

Jill: Yeah.

Todd: Remember, last year you asked us to start putting together a Halloween show?

[Cut to Kate and Beck]

Kate: No.

[Cut to Todd and Jill]

Jill: Yeah. Yeah. You asked us to write a show and then star in it.

[Cut to Kenan and Jennifer]

Jennifer: Nobody said that to you.

[Cut to Todd and Jill]

Todd: Wow! Jennifer doesn’t think we wrote a show.

[Cut to Kenan and Jennifer]

Jennifer: No, I’m saying no one asked you to write one.

[Cut to Todd and Jill]

Jill: Okay, um, [loud voice] Alexia, get down here. There people are making us prove we wrote a show.

[Cut to Kate and Beck]

Kate: I thought your daughter Alexia was in college.

Todd: She couldn’t do it.

[Cut to everybody. Alexia comes running in]

Jill: Alexia, there you are. Are you ready to do the show?

[Cut to Todd, Jill and Alexia]

Alexia: Won’t that spoil the surprise?

Todd: Of course it will, but these cheapskates are trying to get out of paying us.

[Cut to Kate and Beck]

Beck: Paying you?

[Cut to Todd, Jill and Alexia]

Jill: Yes! The $2,000 you promised.

[Cut to Kenan and Jennifer]

Kenan: It’s a free Halloween block party for kids! Nobody’s gonna pay!

[Cut to Todd, Jill and Alexia]

Todd: Alright, you win. You win. We will do a run through. But we’re just gonna be marking it.

[Todd, Jill and Alexia are setting up their mics]

Jill: Yeah, okay? Coz we were counting on another week but let’s just get our mics on, guys. Here’s the damn show you asked for!

Todd: This is basically what it’s gonna be.

[music playing]

Jill: [singing and dancing] Just a small town witch
living in a haunted house
making spells and potions
and eyeball soup

[Kenan and Jennifer are confused]

Todd: [singing and dancing] Just a dracula
boiling rage inside Detroit
got two fangs in my mouth
and pale white skin

[Kate and Beck are congused]

Alexia: [singing and dancing] A zombie in a musty tomb
the smell of brains and cheap perfume
as long as she can eat some human flesh
she’s fine, she’s fine, she’s fine, she’s fine

Todd, Jill and Alexia: Hallo… ween.
Our favorite time of the year
Hallo… ween.

it’s the noise!

[Alexia runs out]

Jill: Dracula, this can never work. We just– we don’t make sense.

Todd: Why? Because I drink blood?

Jill: No, you goof. Because I am a virgin.

Todd: So I am virgin too. Big time!

Jill: Wait a minute. You’re telling me the Dracula from South Detroit has never, you know, done it?

[cut to Kenan and Jennifer]

Kenan: And this is for kids?

[Cut to Todd and Jill]

Todd: You will be my first. Show me that body.

Jill: Okay. So, we’re just miming it now, but that day, we’ll actually be removing our robes.

Todd: And I will be the damn spelled, obviously.

[Cut to Todd and Jill. Alexia walks in.]

Alexia: What are you two doing?

Jill: Sophina, god, you weren’t supposed to see this.

Alexia: Obviously. Did our kiss mean nothing?

[Cut to Kate and Beck]

Beck: So, they are in love triangle with their daughter?

[Cut to Todd, Jill and Alexia]

Jill: Honey, look, I kiss lots of people. Okay? I’m a witch. Witches are slutty. That’s just a fact!

Todd: Oh, no! The sun is rising. Crap! Oh, it’s okay. I’ve done everything I wanted to do. I love you. And then I burst into flames.

Jill: No!

Todd, Jill and Alexia: [singing and dancing] Hallo… ween.

it only comes one time a year
let’s fix more treats for all time!

[music stops] [Cut to Kenan and Jennifer]

Jennifer: Is that really what you spent a whole year working on?

[Cut to Todd, Jill and Alexia]

Jill: Yes.

[Cut to Kate and Beck]

Beck: Well, it was flipping amazing.

[Cut to Kenan and Jennifer]

Kenan: We’ll give you half.

[Cut to Todd, Jill and Alexia]

Todd: Oh, just a thousand?

Jill: Well, you’re shrewd. But we’ll take it. Now, please leave because I can tell my husband is getting emotional.

[Kenan, Jennifer, Kate and Beck leave]

Todd: Well, we sure got screwed!

Jill: Honey, we went in asking for more than we deserved. Let’s be happy we get to perform. Alexia, go to bed.

Alexia: I’m 22.

Jill: I couldn’t tell by your performance. Go to bed.

Todd: You wanna study that choreography? [yelling]

Donald Trump vs. Hillary Clinton Third Debate Cold Open

Chris Wallace… Tom Hanks

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

[Starts with The Presidential Debate intro] [Cut to Chris Wallace in his set]

Chris Wallace: Good evening. Good evening. I’m Chris Wallace and welcome to the third and final Presidential Debate. Tonight is going to be a lot like the third lord of the rings movie. You don’t really wanna watch, but hey you’ve come this far. Now, let’s welcome the candidates. Donald J. Trump and Secretary Hillary Clinton.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump walking towards their podium] [Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Hi, how are you. Hello, Chris. Thank you for having me. IN the first debate, I set the table. In the second debate, I fired up the grill. And tonight, [shows two knives] I feast.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Chris, I’m going to start this debate in the quietest voice possible. In the past, I have been big and loud but tonight I am a sweet little baby Trump.

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: That is good to hear. Our first question is for you and it is about reproductive rights.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton]

Donald Trump: [yelling] They’re ripping babies out of vaginas.

Hillary Clinton: Listen, Chris, I’m glad you raised this topic because what two better people are there to talk about women’s issues? Me, a woman who has had a child and has taken birth control and him, a man who is a child and whose face is birth control.

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: And we’re off to the races. Let’s talk integration. Mr. Trump, why are you immigration policies better than secretary Clinton’s?

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton]

Donald Trump: Because she wants open borders and that is crazy. I mean, people are just pouring into this country from Mexico and a lot of them are very bad hombre.

Hillary Clinton: Oh, bingo! Bingo! I got bingo. [Cut to Hillary Clinton. She takes out the Trump Bingo card.] Sorry. Sorry. I’ve been playing all year and I got it. I have ‘Bad hombre’, ‘rapists’, ‘miss piggy’, ‘they’re all living in hell’ and ‘if she wasn’t my daughter’.

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: Congratulations secretary Clinton. Mr. Trump, please continue.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton]

Donald Trump: I have a fantastic relationship with Mexico, okay? I have personally met with the Mexican president. I forgot his name. I think it was something like Mr. Guacamole. I’m sorry, excuse me. Senior Guacamole. I also met his beautiful wife, Takito. And their twin children, chips and salsa.

Hillary Clinton: Chris, here is the truth. Donald said he was gonna be tough on Mexico but when he met with the president, he choked.

Donald Trump: Wrong, trademark.

Hillary Clinton: He has also said he is gonna be tough on Russia but he is basically Putin’s puppet.

Donald Trump: Liar, trademark.

Hillary Clinton: And he has promised to be tough on ISIS, but he has never explained how.

Donald Trump: That’s not exactly true. Here is exactly what I’ll do. First off, Mosul, it’s sad. And we’re going after Mosul because ISIS isn’t Mosul but she created ISIS. And Iran should write us a letter of thank you, because Iran is taking Iraq. And so we’re going to Mosul and Iran’s going to write us a letter of– listen, where Aleppo isn’t a disaster and Iran is Iraq and with Mosul, it’s ISIS–

Chris Wallace: Mr. Trump, Mr. Trump, [Cut ot Chris Wallace] We have to move on.

Donald Trump: Oh, thank god. I don’t know if you could tell but I was really spinning out of control.

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: Secretary Clinton, now I’d like to ask you about an ongoing issue for your campaign. Wikileaks has been releasing your campaign emails, many of which raise some serious questions.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Thank you, um, for bringing up my emails, Chris. I am very happy to clarify what was in some of them. [looks away] Um, sorry, what? Carol? What? [looks to the camera] Sorry, I thought I heard my friend Carol. Anyway, back to your question about the way that Donald treats women. And that is you pivot.

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: So, you’re just never going to answer a question about your emails?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: No, but it is a very cute to watch you try.

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: Now, Mr. Trump, in the last week, 11 women accused you of sexually assaulting them. Do you still deny each of those claims?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Chris, of course I do. I’m completely innocent. I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again. Nobody has more respect for women than I do.

[Cut to a video clip of audience laughing] [Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: Alright! Alright! Settle down. Settle down, entire planet. Settle down. Our next question is about the economy. Mr. Trump, why are you better equipped than secretary Clinton to fix the economy?

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton]

Donald Trump: Because Hillary has no idea how to fix anything. If she did, she would have done it already. I mean, what has she been doing–

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: No, Donald, don’t. Don’.t

Donald Trump: For the last 30 years.

Chris Wallace: — don’t set her up please.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: I’d be happy to talk about last 30 years.

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: Oh, no. Not again.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Back in the 1970s, I worked for the children’s defense fund.

Chris Wallace: Yes, yes, yes. We know.

Hillary Clinton: Then I was a senator in New York on 9/11.

Chris Wallace: Yeah, we get it. We get it.

Hillary Clinton: And then I was secretary of state and I don’t know if you’ve heard this before–

Chris Wallace: We have.

Hillary Clinton: — but I was instrumental in taking down a man by the name of–

Chris Wallace: Osama Bin Laden.

Hillary Clinton: Osaamaaa a-Bin a-Laden!

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: We’re very proud of your accomplishments secretary.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Chris, if she can brag about her resume but I am the one who’s got all the heavy hitters supporting me. I mean I have got the creme of the crop. I’ve got Sarah Palin. I’ve got Chachi, and get this, I’ve even got the best Baldwin brother, Steven Baldwin.

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: Secretary Clinton, let’s move on to entitlement. Will you raise taxes to save programs like Social Security and Medicare?

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Yes, but only on the very wealthy. For example, my contributions will go up as well Donald’s assuming he doesn’t figure out a way to get out of that.

Donald Trump: Such a nasty woman.

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: Whao! Whao! Whao! Mr. Trump, that was incredibly rude to secretary Clinton.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Thank you, Chris. That’s exactly the kind of language that has poisoned and debased this election. And if you agree, go to hillaryclinton.com and buy a limited edition ‘Nasty woman’ mugs.

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: And now we have returned to the big story of the week. Mr. Trump, it has become very clear that you’re probably going to lose.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton]

Donald Trump: Correct.

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: Now, when you do, will you accept the results of the election?

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton]

Donald Trump: I will look at it at the time because, frankly, this whole thing is rigged. Even the media. Everyday I turn on the news, and all of the news casters are making me look so bad.

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: And how are we doing that?

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton]

Donald Trump: By taking all of the things I say and all of the things I do and putting them on TV.

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: Donald, Donald, listen, I’m trying to help you buddy. So, repeat after me. I, Donald Trump…

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I, the best ever, Donald Trump…

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: …promise to accept…

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: …promise to accept…

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: …the results of this election.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: … the results of this election if I win. Got you loser, trademark.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Chris, what he has just said is horrifying. And that’s why, Americans have an important decision to make. Between the two of us, who do you trust to be your president? The republican or Donald Trump?

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: Thank you secretary. Now, we are almost out of time.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Yeah? No, let me just make sure that I’ve said everything that I wanted to say. [Donald Trump pulls out a paper that has ‘nasty woman’ written on it. He turns over the paper, it has ‘bad hombre’ written on it.] Okay, I’m good. I’m good.

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: Now, before we conclude, you each will have one minute for your closing statements. Mr. Trump, we’ll start with you.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Thank you, Chris. And thank you to all of my supporters. Because of you, I am winning in every single poll taken outside of the crackle barrel.

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Hillary Clinton: Secretary Clinton.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Listen America, Donald Trump cannot be president. He would be a disaster. A failure. A complete F. And America, you deserve better than an F. So, on November 8th, vote for me and I promise I will be a stone cold B. [winks] [Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton]

Donald Trump: And then on November 9th, make sure to check out Trump TV. You’re gonna hate it.

Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

America’s Funniest Pets

Ron Howard… Tom Hanks

Kate McKinnon

Cecily Strong

[Starts with America’s Funniest Pets intro]

Female voice: [singing] America’s looking at cats, 

America’s looking at dogs,
America’s looking at birds, going nuts
America’s looking, America’s looking at,
America’s Funniest Pets

Announcer: With your host, Ron Howard.

[Cut to Ron Howard in his set]

Ron Howard: Hey, hey. Hey, hey there. Hey. Hey. Hey, it’s me Ron Howard, how cool is that? Huh? I know, I know, I know you probably asking yourself, why the heck am I hosting a pet blooper show? Well, in simple, pet bloopers just make me giggle. Ha-ha-ha. You know, I could use a good laugh after working all day. Well, I look like Tom Hanks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love Tom Hanks but what a pain in the ass. It’s okay. Alright. Who is ready to laugh at some funny pets. I know I am. Check out this first clip.

[Cut to a cat in a bathroom sink. The tap is on a little and she is looking at her soaking body.]

Oh boy. Oh boy. I am feeling so relaxed right now. If I fall in the water, call a per a medic. Ha-ha-ha-ha. [Cut to Ron Howard] Okay, you believe it or not, there is a prince version of this show and we’re lucky enough to have the host with us today. So, please welcome [mumbles their names] [Kate and Cecily walk in]

Hey, hey, how are you doing? Great to see you. It’s really great to see you. Hey, hi.

Kate: [strong French accent] Thank you for having us.

Cecily: [strong French accent] Yes. You know, we love you, Ron Howard. We love your movies like Cacoon.

Kate: Wi, Cacoon. [French language] Cacoon.

Cecily: [French language] Cacoon.

Kate: Back draft.

Cecily: Back draft.

Kate: Back draft.

Ron Howard: Hey, that’s great. That’s great. That’s great. Yeah. Well, since you’ve come all the way from France, I’d love to see you do a clip.

Cecily: Yeah, of course we will do the blooper for you.

Kate: We can do. Request is [French language]

Ron Howard: Great, great. Let’s take it away.

[Cut to a video clip of a cat peeking from the side of the bed.]

Cecily: Oh, this cat here is witnessing a violent murder.

Kate: The victim scream, “Please call for help.”

Cecily: But he is paralyzed.

Kate: It will hunt him forever because he can’t watch a man beat to death and he do nothing.

Cecily: Yes. In this moment, he learn he is a true coward.

[Cut to Ron Howard]

Ron Howard: Okay. Okay, okay. Wow. You know, but it’s the director in me, but can I give you a note?

[Cut to Kate and Cecily]

Cecily: Yeah, of course.

Ron Howard: Okay, could you try to make it more silly. You know, more fun? May try to put a pun in there. Like, you’re freaking meow (me out). Ha-ha-ha. Okay, okay. Roll the clip.

[Cut to a video clip of a cat holding a bar and sleeping]

Cecily: Oh, this cat is waiting on his dead beat dad but he’s once again with his whore. It’s a hotel, he provide no [unintelligible] [Cut to a video clip of a piglet moving]

Kate: This pig dance not for joy but for sexual pleasure.

Cecily: You see just behind him, it’s an audience of masturbating businessmen.

Kate: Oink, comfortable

Cecily: This is how we do it.

[Cut to a video clip of cat sleeping on a bed like a person facing upwards.]

Oh, this cat is dead fro drug overdose.

[Cut to another video clip of a cat sleeping on a bed like a person facing upwards.]

Kate: And this cat is being prepared for morgue. Just kitten (kidding).

Cecily: Bun chicken meow, meow.

Kate: Not bad, huh?

Cecily: not bad.

[Cut to Ron Howard]

Ron Howard: Cheese and rice. Can I just give you one more just, just one adjustment? Maybe try one where, “I don’t feel like killing myself.” Try some cartoony noises and catch phrases. Here, here. Watch me.

[Cut to a video clip of a dog with long neck looking at the camera funnily]

Oh, dorpy-dorp-dorp. I’m the mean old dog and this is what I think about you. Phrrr. Dorpy-dorp-dorp-dorp. [Cut to Ron Howard, Kate and Cecily] Alright? Alright?

Cecily: You know, dorpy-dorpy-dorp.

Kate: Dorp-dorp, get the job done.

Ron Howard: Okay, cool, cool. Great. Great. Let’s try it.

[Cut to a video clip of a dog walking on two feet at the grocery store.]

Cecily: Bloopa-bloopa-bloop. My mother is dead back there. Bloopa-bloopa-bloop. My brains are on my balls.

Kate: Barp-badarp-badar. This looks very bad for me. I am a payroll. Bleh!

Cecily: Bloopy-bloopy-bloopy. Please, someone, my mother is in back split in the middle. I’m covered in my mother.

Kate: Da-da-da-da. I think she may still be breathing. Someone, bring her out of her misery.

Cecily: Oh, check please.

Kate: I’ll have what she’s having.

Kate and Cecily: Dohh!

[Cut to Ron Howard]

Ron Howard: Okay, okay. I think that’s the best we’re gonna get.

[Cut to Kate and Cecily]

Kate: We did good. We did good.

Cecily: Yeah, we should come back every week.

[Cut to everybody]

Ron Howard: Well, well, let’s not get crazy.

Cecily: Ron Howard, fantastic.

Kate: Ron Howard!

[The End]

Weekend Update Olya Povlatski

Colin Jost

Olya Povlatsky… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Russia of course has played a large part in the US election this year with near constant accusations of hacking and cyber attacks. Here to commend from a remote village in Russia is Olya Povlatsky.

[Olya Povlatski slides in]

Olya Povlatski: Hey!

Colin Jost: Hi, Olya, it’s so good to see you.

Olya Povlatski: Look who it is, Mr. Colin Jost. Well, well, well.

Colin Jost: Well, well? What did I do?

Olya Povlatski: Nothing. I’m telling you where all my sisters died. Well, well, well.

Colin Jost: Oh, yeah. Now Olya, let’s just talk about some of this hacking that’s going on right now in Russia.

Olya Povlatski: Argh! These Russians, they love to hack, Colin. [Cut to Olya Povlatski] That’s why I have very strong password no one can guess, okay? It’s the noise I make every morning when I wake up. [Olya Povlatski makes groaning sound] But all the Os are zeros. Shh.

[Cut to Olya Povlatski and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: That’s really smart. That’s clever. Now, um, Russia has obviously been narrow mixed up in our election. Have you been following our election as result?

Olya Povlatski: Oh, yeah. Colin, I even– I watched the debate on Sunday.

Colin Jost: You watched the debate?

Olya Povlatski: Yes. [Cut to Olya Povlatski] I really– I related to this Hillary Clinton because I have also been attacked by a dog for 90 minutes. But, now we’re engaged. So you never know, you know?

[Cut to Olya Povlatski and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wow. Congratulations.

Olya Povlatski: Thank you so much.

Colin Jost: Yeah. And did you see the video of Donald Trump with Billy Bush?

Olya Povlatski: Oh, yeah. Colin, that was so hard to watch the video. A whole bus for just two people? It’s a waste.

Colin Jost: Yeah. And now with all the stuff, all the tension between US and Russia, there’s talk that there could be a nuclear war. Does that worry you?

Olya Povlatski: I’m not worried, Colin. [Cut to Olya Povlatski] Everyday I do nuclear bomb drill. This is where I run into open field and  I scream, “Come to me, bomb. Blow me up. Send me back to hell.

[Cut to Olya Povlatski and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Alright.

Olya Povlatski: That’s what I do.

Colin Jost: That’s what you do. What do you think about Russians hating– you know, Americans hating Russians right now?

Olya Povlatski: It’s nothing new, Colin. Okay? [Cut to Olya Povlatski] Look at your movies. We are always the villain. If you are in American movie and you have my accent, the only line you’ll ever get to say is this, “You have 24 hours.”

[Cut to Olya Povlatski and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Well, I love that movie. It’s a great movie.

Olya Povlatski: You lucky you’re cute. But not all Russians are pure evil, okay? [Cut to Olya Povlatski] Some of us just like to chill, kick back, you know, sing hottest new song in Russia.

[singing] A little bit of Monica  by my side
A little bit of Monica on my right
A little bit of Monica on the roof
A little bit of Monica in the field

[Cut to Olya Povlatski and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: That’s actually not how that song goes.

Olya Povlatski: No. Yes, it is. [Cut to Olya Povlatski] In Russian version, Monica has been torn to pieces by ravens. And there is bits of Monica everywhere. This song is called lucky Monica.

[Cut to Olya Povlatski and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Lucky Monica. Okay. I gotta got to say. I can’t believe that life is actually that bad in Russia.

Olya Povlatski: You know what? You’re right. it’s not, Colin. There is good stuff in my life. I just got my first phone.

Colin Jost: Your first phone?

Olya Povlatski: Yes. It’s Samsung Galaxy 7.

Colin Jost: Oh! I hate to be the one to tell you this, but Samsung Galaxy, they’re being recalled because they’re actually exploding.

Olya Povlatski: Why do you think I sleep with it in my mouth, Colin?

Colin Jost: Olya Povlatski, everyone.