Tag: Kate McKinnon

Weekend Update- Smokery Farm’s Easter Meats

Colin Jost

Vaneta… Kate McKinnon

Wylene… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Tomorrow is Easter Sunday and millions of Americans will celebrate with traditional Easter meal. But it can be hard to adapt those recipes for vegetarians. Here with their tips are the owners of Smokery Farms meat delivery service, Wilene and Vaneta Starkie.

[Vaneta and Wylene slide in]

[cheers and applause]

Hi, ladies. Welcome.

Wylene: Now, Colin, we know Easter’s for people who have sworn off meat.

Vaneta: Yes. Some folks think it’s too sad to eat animals because they see heartwarming videos like, “Girl learns math from smart goat.”

Wylene: Yeah. Or, “Smart pig knits sweater for cold goose.”

Vaneta: You know, every time duck takes a nap at the foot of a toddler’s bed, we lose a customer.

Wylene: Yeah. But instead of going vegan, you should buy your meat from us. Because we only serve meat from animals that genuinely deserve to be killed.

Vaneta: That’s right. Our grade A Eater meats come from creatures who are individually certified as the meanest, nastiest, freaky-dicky, most ruthless jerks in the barn yard.

Wylene: Here. We can show you.

[they pull out a bucket of meat]

Vaneta: Oh, yes. Like that.

Wylene: Oh my god! Keeping nice and high. I love this. I love this and I want to eat this. Of course. What a gorgeous stinky bounty.

Vaneta: My mouth is watering. My eyes are watering.

Wylene: I’ll tell you what. I’m about to eat this sashimi style. And the front row [pointing at the audience] looks pretty hungry for this too. They’re horny for a bite. Now look, Some pigs are emotionally intelligent enough to cry real tears. But not this one. This spiral ham comes from a little creep who bites fingers and shoves kids hard and far. So, feel no guilt when you slice this ass and feed them to your grandma.

Vaneta: Now, nothing more innocent than a sweet and tender lamb, right? Wrong. This lamb went to a plantation wedding a week ago and then she posted a bunch of photos and was like, “What? It’s just history.” So, go ahead and smear it’s ignorant legs with mint jelly.

Wylene: Now, female hams are naturally very sweet. Well, these eggs came from a ham who contributed to a toxic work environment.

Vaneta: She’s always hanging out with the roosters talking about how hens are crazy.

Wylene: Umm-umm. Okay, now. Maybe you’re thinking about the blood of Christ. Well, how about the blood of Chris, okay? An extremely rude steer. I mean, maybe you drink this or something. It’s an extremely rude steer who takes videos of fat, poorly dressed old people and send them to the group chat like, “Ha-ha.”

Vaneta: Now, this can sound fake but I swear to god, this here veal yanks on the subway.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry but I’m having a hard time believing these stories.

Wylene: You’re ham-free, Colin?

Colin Jost: I don’t know about that.

Wylene: You wanna put your hands on it?

Vaneta: You wanna touch that raw meat?

[Vaneta pushes the bucket towards Colin]

[Wylene holds Colin’s hand and puts his hand on the meat]

Wylene: Go ahead. Let me help you. Put your hand on that sweet ham.

Vaneta: He did it.

Wylene: The basket’s wet too, baby.

Vaneta: Really wet under here.

Wylene: He’s a little nervous because his boss was watching, but he did it.

Colin Jost: Vaneta and Wylene, everyone.

Vaneta and Wylene: Happy Easter.

Scattergories

Mr. K…Mikey Day

Mrs. K… Kate McKinnon

Steven… Daniel Kaluuya

Heidi Gardner

Mr. K: Well, great dinner, everybody.

Steven: Thanks for cooking again, Mrs. K.

Mrs. K: Well, thank you for bringing the wine. I love that it’s called Josh. It’s the nickname for wine.

Steven: Of course, ma’am. I’ve got to impress my girlfriend’s parents, right?

Mr. K: Oh, you always do. Well, you guys should head home or we could play a game.

Steven: I’ll be down to play a game.

Heidi: Yeah.

Mr. K: Okay. What do we have?

Mrs. K: We have Rummikub.

Steven: What’s a Rummikub?

Mrs. K: It combines elements of Mahjong and Rummi, and it’s really fun.

Heidi: Mom, that game is so boring. We’re never gonna wanna play that.

Mr. K: We got Scattergories.

Steven: I’m actually really good at that one. You guys bette watch out.

Heidi: That’s perfect.

Mrs. K: You know what? I might be too tired for a game other than Rummikub. I’m just going to clean up.

Mr. K: Okay.

Steven: Are you sure?

Mrs. K: Yeah. You got stuff to do. I got stuff to do. You guys have fun. [walks to the kitchen]

Mr. K: Okay. Well, we’re going to play. Okay, we are writing down words for each category that starts with– [rolling the die] You guys ready? ‘W’. And go.

[pots and pans clanging loudly]

You okay, hun?

Mrs. K: Me? Yeah, just cleaning up.

[pots and pans clanging loudly]

Steven: Is she alright?

Heidi: Yes, she said she’s fine. Oh, man. W is hard.

[pots and pans clanging loudly]

Steven: Do you want some help?

Mrs. K: No. I’m fine.

Heidi: Time is almost up.

[Mrs. K is banging the dishwasher]

Mr. K: I’m trying to find the last couple of answers.

Heidi: It’s not latching.

Mr. K: My love?

Steven: And time!

Heidi: Mom, are you okay? Do you not want us to play this/

Mrs. K: No, I’m good. Just doing my thing.

Heidi: Okay, because the dishes are a little loud.

Mrs. K: Oh, well, I’m sorry. I’m do something else. No problem.

Heidi: Okay. Thanks, mom.

Mr. K: Thanks, hun.

Steven: What what do you guys have? Things in the sky? I had–

[Heidi turns on the vacuum cleaner. It’s very loud.]

I had weather.

Heidi: That’s good. I had ‘wet balloon’. It doesn’t count, right?

Mr. K: I had ‘Whooshing wind.’ Honey, why are you doing that?

Mrs. K: I saw sesame seed. They’re toxic to dogs.

Mr. K: Yeah. We don’t have a dog.

Mrs. K: Well, and this is why.

[turns off the vacuum cleaner]

Heidi: Mom, are you sure you don’t want to play with us? It’s fun. The category is ‘things in the sky’.

Mrs. K: Okay, birds.

Heidi: Oh, well, it has to be with ‘w’.

Mrs. K: [annoyed] I wasn’t told that.

Steven: Because the die said ‘w’.

Mrs. K: Are you done with that glass? [the glasses are full with wine, but she takes them all anyway]

Steven: Not really. But that’s fine.

Mr. K: Let’s do a new round. Get a new list. [Mrs. K starts drinking everybody’s drinks.] New letter is ‘m’. And go!

[Mrs. K turns on music very loud. She’s wearing a headphone.]

Steven: What song is this, Mrs. K?

Mrs. K: Oh, you can hear that? I’m wearing a headphone.

Heidi: Yeah, but you’re playing it from the speaker.

Mrs. K: Okay. Sorry about that.

Heidi: No problem.

[phone ringing]

Mrs. K: Oh! Sorry, I have to get this. This is important. [Mrs. K walks near everyone else in purpose answering the phone] Hello. Um-hmm. And how long does that offer last? And the figures in would arrive when? That’s a lot to think about. I will be in touch. Thanks. Goodbye. [hangs up the phone]

Heidi: Mom, this one’s easier if you want to try. It’s foods for lunch.

Mrs. K: Okay. Wonderbread.

Heidi: The letter is M now. [Mrs. K is angrier] But that was a really good answer.

[Mrs. K turns on the disposal. It’s very loud.]

Mr. K: What are you putting in the disposal, huh?

Mrs. K: Just pictures. [Mrs. K’s putting her family pictures into the disposal.]

Heidi: Okay, mom, what’s going on? Are you upset? Do you want to play something else?

Mrs. K: You know what I wanted to play.

Mr. K: Rummikub?

Mrs. K: Yes! Rummikub. Always Rummikub.

Mr. K: Sorry, hun. It just seemed like more people wanted to play Scattergories.

Mrs. K: None of you like what I like. Last year on my birthday, we watched Deadpool. You think I liked that? I have been trying to get you to sit here and watch ‘Chocolat’  since we bought this house.

Heidi: Oh, Steven and I just watched that.

Mrs. K: Oh my god!

Heidi: Sorry.

Mrs. K: I fed your snake ‘Feedle’ mice for 10 years after you went to college. I would go to ‘Petco’ and they would say, “The usual” and I would say, “Yes. Dead mice bag, please.” And you can’t even play a single fgame of Rummikub?

Steven: You had a snake?

Heidi: I did. Okay, mom, do you want to play Rummikub now?

Mrs. K: NO! Wait, yes.  Wait, no. I’m drunk. Ah! I’m sorry, I think had too much Josh.

[cut to the commercial. There’s Josh wine and there’s Rummikub.]

Male voice: Josh wine, the official wine of Rummikub.

Proud Parents

Debbie… Kate McKinnon

Beck Bennett

Mrs. Pine… Aidy Bryant

Mr. Pine… Kenan Thompson

Mrs. Obi… Ego Nwodim

Mr. Obi… Daniel Kaluuya

Nick… Andrew Dismukes

David… Chris Redd

[Starts with a group of people walking to the living room after having a meal.]

Debbie: Wow, what a lovely meal this was.

Beck: Absolutely. This was my first time having Nigerian food and I must say, it is delicious.

Mrs. Pine: Oh. Hard agree. Pearl, you have to share that stew recipe with me.

Mr. Pine: Why? You know it’s not gonna taste the same when you do it. [laughing]

Mrs. Obi: Oh, come on. Linda, I am sure your stew will be very good.

Mr. Obi: Next time, she will make you a Ugandan dish. I’m the luckiest person because I get to enjoy her cooking every day.

Debbie: Well boys, you should be proud of yourselves. First year of college in the camp.

Beck: Now, I hate to be that dad but Nick actually won an award for his final project.

All: Really?

Nick: It’s nothing really. It’s just a piece I made in postmodern sculpting class.

Debbie: We actually brought it. [showing the sculpture.]

Mrs. Pine: Wow!

Mr. Pine: Kind of takes your breath away.

Mr. Obi: That’s fantastic. I’m proud to say I know the next Picasso.

Mrs. Obi: Yes. Nick, it looks like you’re going to be a famous artist some day.

Nick: Oh. Thanks, Mr. and Mr.s Obi.

Debbie: And how are things going over for you over at Drexel, David?

Mr. Obi: Oh, David is studying to be a medical doctor. We are very proud of him. Paging Dr. Obi.

Mrs. Obi: David, why don’t you tell everyone about your pre-med classes? He is excelling in chemistry.

David: Well, I actually changed my major to creative writing.

[plot change music playing]

Mrs. Obi: You did what?

David: I changed my major to creative writing.

Mr. Obi: Creative who?

David: Creative write-ing.

Mr. Obi: God forbid.

Mrs. Obi: What is ‘creative write-ing’?

David: Something I’m really passionate about. I actually won the ‘Promising Young Writer’ award.

Debbie: Oh, that’s fantastic.

Beck: Nice, buddy.

Mrs. Obi: Oh, yes, very nice, buddy. And award? Can you pay your bills with an award?

Mr. Obi: Can you buy a house with an award?

Mrs. Obi: ‘Promising young writer’. Who promised you what?

David: When Nick said he won an award, you guys said he was going to be famous.

Mr. Obi and Mrs. Obi: We were lying.

Mr. Obi: Look at his ridiculous sculpture.

Mrs. Obi: This ugly thing. Very, very ugly. Mark my words. In two years, Mr. Picasso here is going to be a bag boy at Trader Joe’s.

Debbie: Hey! You know we’re right here.

Mrs. Obi: Debby, it’s true, honey.
Mr. Obi: Son. You are born to be a doctor.

Mrs. Obi: Yes. What kind of job will you get with creative writing?

David: I could be an author.

Mrs. Obi and Mr. Obi: No.

David: A journalist.

Mrs. Obi and Mr. Obi: No.

David: A professor.

Mrs. Obi and Mr. Obi: Hell no.

Debbie: Hey, those sound like great careers.

Mrs. Obi: No, Debbie. They’re not. [to David] You can become a doctor for 40 or 50 years, and then do your writing once you retire.

Beck: You know guys? The world needs poets too.

Mr. Obi: Yes. If there’s anything we have learned from the pandemic, it’s that the world needs more poets.

Mrs. Pine: I think it’s beautiful that you’re discovering your own interest, David.

David: Thanks, Mrs. Pine.

Mrs. Obi: Okay, Linda Pine. Why don’t you take him?

Mrs. Pine: Excuse me?

Mr. Obi: David is your’s now.

Mrs. Obi: Yes. Since you think it’s so beautiful that he won’t be a doctor, he can be your son.

Mrs. Pine: Oh, I don’t think–

Mrs. Obi: Oh! She doesn’t think. Hah!

Mr. Obi: So, you also don’t want a son that’s not a doctor.

David: Ma and dad, I’m just not passionate about being a doctor.

Mrs. Obi: Okay. If you really don’t want to be a doctor… You have to!

Debbie: You guys haven’t even read any of his written yet.

Beck: Yes. David, maybe you can read one of your poems.

David: Sure, I’d be happy to. [stands up] This poem, I won an award for. It’s called ‘My sorrow’. [opens a sheet of paper and starts reading]

I wake up and my emotions are as blue as blue paint

[he sits down]

Mrs. Pine: That’s it?

David: Yes.

Mr. Pine: You know, ain’t nothing wrong with being a doctor, David.
Mrs. Pine: Yeah.

Debbie: How about a toast? Here’s to Nick and David. To promising young artists.

[Mrs. Obi and Mr. Obi are also raising their glasses, but they’re very pissed off. They break their glasses.]

Mr. Obi: Oh, no. We are bleeding.

Mrs. Obi: Oh, is there a poet in the house? Someone call a poet!

Mr. Obi: Call a poet!

Britney Spears Talk Show Cold Open

Britney Spears… Chloe Fineman

Lil’ Nas X… Chris Redd

Jesus… Mikey Day

Pepe Le Pew… Kate McKinnon

Matt Gaetz… Pete Davidson

[starts with show intro]

Female voice: Live from Las Vegas, it’s “Oops, you did it again”. With your host, Britney Spears.

[Cut to Britney Spears in her show set]

Britney Spears: Hey, y’all. It’s Britney, bitch. This is the show where we shine a light on social pariahs of the week. And I get to decide whether they’re innocent or [singing] not that innocent. And speaking of pariahs, shout our to our sponsor, Georgia – voted best place not to vote. I too have been put in the hot seat this week. I was accused of not writing my own social media captions. Ha-ha! That’s right. They thought someone else wrote – [cut the her tweet] “Who else finds the sea more mysterious than space?” Why do they think is running my account? Jacques Cousteau? Okay, my first guest tonight has been attacked by rare combo of Catholic church and Nike. Please welcome Lil’ Nas X.

[Lil’ Nas X walks in]

Lil’ Nas X: Hi Britney. I hope you don’t mind but I wore one of my casual look.

Britney Spears: You look amos. Now, I want to start with your new satan shoes. Is it true that they’re Nikes made with human blood?

Lil’ Nas X: Yeah, but I don’t know why Nike so mad. The whole thing is ‘just do it’. Well, I did it.

Britney Spears: People were also freaking out about your new video where you ride down a stripper pole to hell and twerk on the devil. Why are they so upset?

Lil’ Nas X: Because they’re closed minded idiots? People are afraid of me because I’m different. But really, I’m just your typical gay black country rap sneaker entrepreneur. I put my pants on like everyone else. One assless chap at a time.

Britney Spears: And what would you say to the religious folks who were mad that you gave satan a lap dance?

Lil’ Nas X: I would say – you know that wasn’t the real satan, right? It was a dude in a Halloween devil costume because the real satan doesn’t do music videos. So maybe, chill?

Britney Spears: So, helping people together, would you be willing to give a lap dance to god? Just to even things out?

Lil’ Nas X: Hmm. Okay, yeah. I guess.

Britney Spears: Okay, let’s do it.

[A man wearing Jesus costume walks in and sits. Lil’ Nas X twerts on him and gives him a lap dance.]

Wow! Happy Easter, everyone!

Lil’ Nas X: And should I again remind people, that was not the real god? That was just my friend, Gary.

Britney Spears: Thanks, Gary. Okay, my next guest has been cancelled and got taken out of the upcoming film “Space Jam”. Please welcome Pepe Le Pew.

[Pepe Le Pew walks in. He’s wearing a squirrel costume.]

Pepe Le Pew: Hello to you. I would kiss you all the way up your arm, but I realize that is no longer socially acceptable. So, I will shake your hand and say nice to meet you.

Britney Spears: See? You’re learning. Now, the original “Space Jam” is one of the best alien sports movie of all time. What was your part in the movie supposed to be?

Pepe Le Pew: Well, any good basketball family needs a horny skunk. That much we all know. So, my part was, get this, I see a basketball in a blonde wig. I make love to it for Britney Spears0-Britney Spears5 minutes before LeBron James taps me on the shoulder and says, “Bro, that’s a basketball.” Not my finest moment in cinema but it made the crew laugh. So…

Britney Spears: And how do you respond to people who say you promote a culture of assault?

Pepe Le Pew: Look, I’m an actor. The part you see me play on TV and movie, that’s not me. I would love to be at a point in my career where I could turn down project, but there are not a lot of part for an old French skunk. Every audition, everyone come down to me or Gerard Depardieu. And if you think I am problematic, the problematic Looney Tunes? Two words for you. Speedy Gonzales. And, you didn’t hear this from me, but FBI is 90% sure, Yosemite Sam was at the Capitol riot.

Britney Spears: Oh. So, Pepe, where do we go from here?

Pepe Le Pew: I’ve been doing the work. Reading books. Women are from Mars, skunks are from France. I realize that Pepe love women but what Pepe needs to do now is listen to women. And of course, I am in a treatment for sex addiction.

Britney Spears: Okay. Krrr! Our final guest is, as we said in the early 2000s, a hot mess, and as we’d say today, a full on sex pest, please keep your hands apart not clapping for Florida congressman Matt Gaetz.

[Matt Gaetz walks in wearing a suit]

Matt Gaetz: Hi, everyone. Gigity gigity goop.

Britney Spears: Now, who are you again?

Matt Gaetz: My name is Matt Gaetz. Like, Bill Gates, but with a Z at the end. Like a cool version for teens.

Britney Spears: Speaking of teens–

Matt Gaetz: Oh, we don’t have to speak of teens.

Britney Spears: No, ha-ha. Let’s. So, this whole story is so bizarre, so incredibly Florida that I need to get it straight. You were dating a 17 year old and brought her on trips across state lines.

Matt Gaetz: Allegedly.

Britney Spears: Prostitutes say you took ecstasy and had sex with them in Florida hotel rooms.

Matt Gaetz: Alleged– gigity goop.

Britney Spears: And your republican colleagues in congress say that you showed them nude photos of women you were sleeping with.

Matt Gaetz: Which is not a crime! Just horrifying!

Britney Spears: I don’t know, Matt. I think I can spot a teen predator when I see one. After all, I was on Mickey Mouse club.

Matt Gaetz: Argh! That’s ridiculous. People were just targeting me because I defended Donald Trump.

Britney Spears: And what has Trump said in your defense?

Matt Gaetz: Gigity squat!

Britney Spears: Do you think these allegations are going to hurt you in the next election?

Matt Gaetz: Weirdly in my district, they might help. But come on, I’m just like Pepe here. I’m just a ladies man.

Pepe Le Pew: Dude, no! I’m a cartoon skunk. You are a United States congressman. Be better, okay?

Matt Gaetz: You know what? Maybe I should do a lap dance too. That’d be fun, right?

Lil’ Nas X: If you come anywhere near me, just remember, I have hiphop friends and country friends, the Tupac relations that are guaranteed to own guns.

Matt Gaetz: Okay, point taken.

Pepe Le Pew: And if I may add– [Pepe Le Pew turns her back toward Matt Gaetz and farts hard]

Matt Gaetz: Oh, god! I kinda like it.

Britney Spears: And now, I am going to give my verdict. Lil’ Nas X, innocent.

Lil’ Nas X: Hell, yeah.

Britney Spears: Pepe Le Pew, not that innocent.

Pepe Le Pew: I accept. It’s time for a newly Pew.

Britney Spears: And Matt Gaetz, I’m not legally allowed to call you innocent or guilty, so I’ll just encourage everyone to [singing] judge him by his face. 

Matt Gaetz: Oh-oh!

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

NFTs

Professor… Kyle Mooney

Janet Yellen… Kate McKinnon

Eminem… Pete Davidson

Dr. Dre… Chris Redd

Janitor… Jack Harlow

[Starts with college professor and Janet Yellen speaking to a class]

PROFESSOR: Wow, Secretary Yellen, it was an honor to have you with us today

JANET YELLEN: Well, Professor, it was my pleasure to speak to aspiring economists.

PROFESSOR: Do we have time for one more question?

JANET YELLEN: Hey, I don’t have anywhere to be

PROFESSOR: All right, anyone have a question? Come on guys, the U.S. Treasury Secretary is right next to us. Uh, yes, you, young man?

[Musical intro. It’s the music from the song “Without Me” by Eminem.]
SLIM SHADY: Two Silicon boys were talkin’ outside
Talkin’ outside
Talkin’ outside

JANET YELLEN: Okay, so what is your question?

SLIM SHADY: Two Silicon boys were talkin’ outside
Talkin’ outside
Talkin’ outside

JANET YELLEN: Yeah, I heard you the first time.

SLIM SHADY: Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na
Now what the hell’s an NFT?
Apparently, cryptocurrency
Everyone’s makin’ so much money
Now please explain what’s an NFT
I said what the hell’s an NFT?
It’s like real-life Monopoly
Everyone is doin’ it like Gronkowski
Can you please help me make an NFT?

PROFESSOR: Son, I didn’t understand a word you just said.

SLIM SHADY: Thanks!

PROFESSOR: That is not a compliment

SLIM SHADY: Hah! I disagree.

JANET YELLEN: I actually see what you’re saying, young man. Um, we are aware of NFTs, and there are currently—

[There’s Dr. Dre from the movie “Matrix” sitting in the class.]

  1. DRE:Excuse me. I can break it down for you

PROFESSOR: Excuse me, are you Morpheus from the Matrix film series?

  1. DRE: No, but I do have pills if you need some. The thing about NFTs is
    (Verse 2)
    Non-fungibles
    GIFs of Ron Funches eating Lunchables
    Or pics of Colin Jost’s face, very punchable
    Digital images of Digimon doin’ scrimmages
    Or a pic of a nun with a Nintendo Switch
    Dictionary with a pic of Fat Jerry
    I made it last night and now I got $3,000
    And now I can buy me a GIF of Peter Griff-In
    crossin’ up all-star ballers, who are taller
    Look at these if you please
    Supreme Court Justice Chuck E. Cheese
    Bam Margera in a Mini Coop with Master Splinter
    Amy Klobuchar and Adam Driver having dinner
    SLIM SHADY: Hey, here’s a Thanos that twerks
    For 24 million, it could be yours
    And the prices go up and down, you see
    So that explains an NFT

JANET YELLEN: Okay, well, that was just a list of complete nonsense, but you’re not totally wrong. Can anyone here expound on that a bit more eloquently? Anyone? What about you, man with the mop?

JANITOR: Who, me? Well, I wasn’t really paying attention, but if I had to explain NFTs, I’d probably say this:

(Verse 3)
Hey, here’s the thing about NFTs
It’s a non-fungible token, you see
“Non-fungible” means that it’s unique
There can only be one, like you and me
NFTs are insane
Built on a blockchain
A digital ledger of transactions
It records information on what’s happenin’
When it’s minted, you can sell it as art
And this concludes my rappin’ part
Motherf—–

JANET YELLEN: Wow, that’s pretty much what I would’ve said, so thank you.

JANITOR: You’re welcome

JANET YELLEN: I don’t know if this is too forward, but I actually have tickets for UFC 260 if you guys wanna come.

SLIM SHADY, DR. DRE, JANITOR: Aw hell yeah. No doubt.

JANET YELLEN: Great

(Outro)
SLIM SHADY: Na na na na na na na
Na na na na na na na na na na na na
Na na na na na na
Na na na na na
Nerds!

Boomers Got the Vax

Chris Redd

Mikey Day

Kyle Mooney

Melissa Villaseñor

Kenan Thompson

Maya Rudolph

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

E-dith Puthie… Ego Nwodim

[Starts with video clips from the news]

Newscaster: A majority of baby boomers have been vaccinated. Have been vaccinated.

[music playing]

Have been vaccinated, vaccinated
Vaccinated, vaccinated, vaccinated

Chris: Baby boomers, greatest generation
Got all the money, now we got the vaccination
Crash the economy, three whole times
But when it comes to the vax, we the first in line

Mikey: Got a job out of college, no student debt
Retirement funded, 100%
Voted for Trump, but just for the taxes
Don’t believe in Covid, still got the vaxes

Kyle: Pzifer, Moderna, I know you wur-na
Get one, but you gotta wait your tur-na
I get to the vax site, I get what I want son
You get what’s left bitch – Johnson & Johnson!

All: Money, stacked
Pants, khaks
Arm, vaxxed
No, mask

Chris: Biggest generation, ain’t no stopping me
Never gonna die, draining social security

Melissa: The boomers got the vax
No rumors, just facts, yeah
Give it up if you’re 70+
Everyone else gettin’ jealous of us, jealous of us

Kenan: Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba Baby Boomer
(How you livin’ ladies?)
Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba Baby Boomer
(Hah)

Maya: Ow! Covid can’t touch me now
Low mask in the store, nose poking out
When it’s time to pay, I whip the coupons out
Even though I got the stimmy in the bank account

Aidy: Y’all can’t see? Lemme give you a clear sense
We out here spending your inheritance
You in the parking lot eating by the trash right
We in the booth reading menus with the flashlight

Kate: Yeah, I know you missed us
Might book a trip on the Diamond Princess
Eat all the food, drink all the booze
Sail all the cruise, while you still on the Zoom

All: Job, retired
Climate, deniered
License, expired
But we still on fire

Maya: Stop by my house
Give my grandkids a hug
Now get the f— out
I’m tryna have fun!

Melissa: The boomers got the vax
Everyone else get to the back (get back), yeah
We comin’ first like we always do
We jumpin’ in front of you, and you, and you (And uh)
And you (And uh), and you (Uh), and you (Uh)

Kenan: I-M-M-U-N-I-T-Y
That’s what I got, I got bodies-anti
I got the shot, that’s just how it is
You locked inside, homeschooling my grandkids
I know you wanna live large like me
I got the big ass house and the SUV
I got the second house too, and the third house, three
And the place in Vermont, and one in Miami
Damn, I got five houses?
That’s a lot. Hm, good for me.

Chris: Hit the links with the drinks for another golf sess
You on the vax website hittin’ the refresh
You whine and cry while we dine inside
We run the world since 1945, hah!

Mikey: Me? I spend my time playing tennis
Two things that don’t work, me and my pen-is
My shirt (What about it?), you know it’s gettin’ tucked
And my wife (What about her?), she left me (Oh)

E-dith Puthie: Hold up, hold up, I ain’t had my say yet
Yo, tell ’em what my name is

Kenan: Edith, Edith, Edith, Edith
E-dith Puthie!

E-dith Puthie: Edith Puthie on the track, you know I’m vaxxed out
Pop a Cialis, come throw yo’ back out
Hands in the air like your shoulder don’t hurt
Drop that ass to the floor like your knees still work

Melissa: Boomers got the vax, uhh
Boomers got the vax

Kenan: It is what it is sucka

 

Barfly Awards

Missy Shoots… Cecily Strong

Peanuts… Aidy Bryant

Flip Rick… Kenan Thompson

Pissy Carmichael… Alex Moffat

Sally O’Flappy… Maya Rudolph

Teeny Petey Rancini… Kyle Mooney

Nick Flint…  Mikey Day

Peaches… Kate McKinnon

[starts with announcement]

Male voice: Live from Pickleback Auditorium, it’s the 2021 Barfly Awards. With your host Missy Shoots.

[Cut to Missy Shoots. She is on the stage with a martini in her hand.]

Missy Shoots: Welcome to the Barfly Awards. This year being a barfly has taken even more dedication, determination, swinging back and forth, you know what I’m saying? So, we honor them tonight.

Male voice: Coming to the stage, she won last year for longest two AM story, please welcome Peanuts.

[Peanuts walks in. She has a glass of whiskey in her hand.]

Peanuts: Okay. Our first reward of the night goes for wildest claim made at the bar. In your life, there’s gonna be so many people. So, here’s our nominees. Hannah NoMOney, “I had sex with a ghost”. Flip Rick, “I can run a two minute mile”

Flip Rick: I can. I just don’t want to do it right now.

Peanuts: Pissy Carmichael with “I speak fluent French”.

Pissy Carmichael: Ju-ju-pu-pu-ju.

Peanuts: And Sally O’Flappy, I came up with the idea of a rolly suitcase, I can show you the email”. And the Barfly Award, hold on- I got it. It’s Sally O’Flappy.

[Sally O’Flappy walks on the stage and received the award]

Sally O’Flappy: Oh, man. I can’t believe. This is amazing. Everybody here perspires me. I have to say, the guy, the young guy, know him? But hey, oh I miss him. Okay, bye, bye. Love you.

Male voice: Comin up next, he won last year’s award for best story about his daughter with left her at the beach. It’s Teeny Petey Rancini.

[Teeny Petey Rancini walks in with a glass of whiskey]

Teeny Petey Rancini: Can I say Something? Money is not real. [Missy Shoots walks in to hold Teeny Petey Rancini as he’s too drunk] No, no, it’s not your turn. I’m presenting.

Missy Shoots: You’re standing nice. You’re a nice guy. Can I have a kiss? [kisses on Teeny Petey Rancini’s cheek]

Teeny Petey Rancini: Thank you. Here are the nominees for the most bummer detail. Big John, “It’s my last weekend with my foot”. Just Marge, “Member me?I’m your favorite teacher from high school”.

Just Marge: Look at you. You grew up.

Teeny Petey Rancini: Peaches, “I’m 41 years old”.

Peaches: Hi.

Teeny Petey Rancini: And Sally O’Flappy with “My husband’s in the jar”. Winner is- I can’t believe it. It’s Sally O’Flappy.

[Sally O’Flappy walks in and receives the award again]

Sally O’Flappy: Thank you. I can’t believe. One too more. That’s phenomenon. I’m want to thank my dead husband because he was a phenomenon guy. [drops the jar she said her husband was] Oh-oh! Whoopsy! Sorry, dude. Well, goodnight!

Male voice: Please welcome our next presenter, winner of the foreign Barfly Award or hobby, Nick Flint.

[Nick Flint walks in with a glass of whiskey]

Nick Flint: Oi! If you’re a supporter of Manchester United, then this is for you. Wanker! Here are the nominees for best bar hookup. [cut to Flip Rick and Sally O’Flappy] Him and her. [cut to Teeny Petey Rancini and Andrew] Her and him. [Cut to Teeny Petey Rancini, Andrew and Just Marge] Her and him and that. And the winner is – Ah! That! Peaches.  [Peaches walks to the stage and receives the award] Is also nominated tonight for most destructive trip to the bathroom.

Peaches: Cell phone, wallet, key. Okay, goodnight.

Male voice: Last call.

[All the audiences get angry]

All: Ah! What are you saying? Come on, now!

[All of them stand and walk away]

Missy Shoots: This has been 2021 Barfly Awards. Make sure you close at after party. We have to go midtown hungover tomorrow.

Vaccine Game Show Cold Open

Dr. Anthony Fauci… Kate McKinnon

Gavin Newsom… Alex Moffat

Andrew Cuomo… Pete Davidson

Gretchen Whitmer… Cecily Strong

Jane F. … Heidi Gardner

Kendall Frye… Ego Nwodim

Melissa Villseñor

Ronald… Bowen Yang

Ted Cruz… Aidy Bryant

Seymour Foreman… Mikey Day

[Starts with a message video]

Male voice: And now, a message from Dr. Anthony Fauci.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

[cheers and applause]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Hello. Hello. Okay. Thank you. Hello. I am America’s voice of reason and Celebrity Hall Pass for some reason, Dr. Fauci. The vaccine rollout is going strong, but it’s also very confusing. Who can get it? How? When? Where is it? Do both doses go in the same arm or different arms or what? I don’t know. So tonight, we give everyday Americans the chance to vie for vaccine eligibility on a little show we like to call “So you think you can get the vaccine?” [clapping]

[cheers and applause]

Hello and welcome to the name of the game show I just said.

[Dr. Anthony Fauci walks to the podium that’s shaped like covid-Dr. Anthony FauciSeymour Foreman vaccine bottle container]

Getting a vaccine shouldn’t be a competition but Americans will only want to get it if it means someone else can’t. So, let’s meet our panel of judges who are all — get excited — famous governors. First, he is hated by every single person in California except those 10 people he had dinner with in Napa that one time, please welcome governor Gavin Newsom.

[cheers and applause]

Gavin Newsom: Hey, what can I say? I love dinner.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: That’s great. How are things going in California?

Gavin Newsom: Teeth – white. Bodies – tight. Covid – pretty bad.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Next, he is currently under fire for futzing with old dead people and also for the kind of sexual harassment allegations that make you go, “Yeah, I can see that”, it’s New York’s governor Andrew Cuomo.

[cheers and applause]

Andrew Cuomo: Yes. Yes. Hello. Nice bodies, some of you. I know, I know. I’m in the freaking dog house again. Remember when your favorite movie was my Powerpoints? Remember “Today is Tuesday”? When can we go back to that? I mean, come on.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Okay. Our next judge narrowly escaped being kidnapped by a group of men whose fingerprints probably had Cheetos dust on them, please welcome the governor of Michigan, Gretchen Whitmer.

[cheers and applause]

Gretchen Whitmer: Hey there. It’s an honor to be here with my fellow governors. People yell at them about their policies and they yell at me “Get her!” But hey, that’s life! [takes a sip from her bottle of beer.]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Okay. Judges, all of our contestants desperately want the vaccine but an essential worker can differ in every state. So, in California, it’s–

Gavin Newsom: Police, hospital staff, neuropaths and psychics.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: And in Michigan, it’s–

Gretchen Whitmer: Fishers, truckers, trappers and drafters.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Right. And in New York, it is–

Andrew Cuomo: Tough guys, wise guys, rich guys and five guys.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Great. Tonight’s game and the vaccine is brought to you by CVS. Come fo the shot, leave with a lollipop from two Halloweens ago. Our first contestant is very nervous and excited to be here. Please welcome Jane F.

[cheers and applause]

Jane F.: Hello, I’m from Michigan. Go, Wolverines.

Gretchen Whitmer: Aw, well hi. Nice to see a fellow Michigander.

Jane F.: Oh, thanks. I actually voted for you.

Gretchen Whitmer: Oh, it’s nice.

Jane F.: I voted for you to get kidnapped. But still–

Gretchen Whitmer: It’s alright. Well, I’ll take it. Tell us why you’re here?

Jane F.: I think I deserve the vaccine because I’m an essential worker.

Gretchen Whitmer: That’s nice. What do you do?

Jane F.: I do IT for the Onlyfans website, so I am busy.

Gretchen Whitmer: Do you have any preexisting conditions?

Jane F.: Um, I have a really bad attitude. I’m allergic to dust. And I don’t know if this is anything but I have herpes.

Gretchen Whitmer: Oh, no, sweetheart, that doesn’t get to the vaccine.

Jane F.: What? Then why did I just say that on the TV?

[Jane F. leaves]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Oh, it’s too bad. A reminder, any contestant who’s not going home with a vaccine will take home one of our highly desirable consolation prizes like Pfizer visor. [A picture of a Pfizer sun cap appears on the screen.] It’s visor with the word Pfizer on it. And if you don’t get the vaccine, you might take home Maxine. [a cartoon woman appears on the screen]. The cranky middle aged woman from the Hallmark cards. Available at CVS. CVS, it stands for Chex Mix, Vodka and “So much plan B”. Now, our next contestant has asked me to tell you that she is very, very old, for real. She’s not even kidding. Please welcome Kendall Frye.

[Kendall Frye walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Kendall Frye: Hello. I’m old. I love hard candy and boy do I stand going to church.

Gretchen Whitmer: Hah! Something seems off about her.

Andrew Cuomo: Yeah. She just said stand.

Gavin Newsom: I think we got another pretend granny.

Kendall Frye: [pulls off her wig] Okay, fine. Listen, there’s a guy I’ve been talking to for 10 years and he just got out of a relationship and he’s in town tonight. Give me the vaccine.

Gavin Newsom: Okay. And, what are your risks?

Kendall Frye: My risk is that I may pop, sir.

Gretchen Whitmer: Sorry, sweetheart. You’re not eligible.

Kendall Frye: Wow, okay. On the second to last day of Black History Month, wow!

[Kendall Frye walks out]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Thanks again to our sponsor, CVS. We have the receipts — and they’re long. I don’t get that joke. I don’t mind saying it. I just don’t get it. Alright, our next contestant is expecting to have a baby.

[cheers and applause]

Melissa: Hi, I’m pregnant. Can I get the vaccine?

Andrew Cuomo: I don’t know. Can you?

Melissa: Sorry. May I get the vaccine?

Andrew Cuomo: No, that wasn’t a grammar thing. I was genuinely asking. We have no idea.

Melissa: You don’t know?

Gavin Newsom: Um, just give it to her?

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Um, unfortunately, we’re running a little low on Moderna, but we do have some trials for the Kirkland signature vaccine developed by Costco. [pulls out a huge syringe] It’s big enough for you and your little one that comes with a free pack of 24 hotdogs. Next, we have Ronald who’s a proud smoker from New Jersey.

[cheers and applause]

Ronald: Hi. I’m Ronald. [holding a burning cigarette in uncomfortable way] I’m from New Jersey. And I love cigarettes.

Andrew Cuomo: Are you just saying that because in New Jersey, they’re giving the vaccine to smokers?

Ronald: [squeaky voice] What? No. I love smoking. I love the squishy part, the burny part. It’s all my favorite. [coughing] Okay, this is terrible. I got to get some water.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Okay, give it up for that life long smoker. Our next contestant is– this doesn’t sound right, fresh off his appearance yesterday at CPAC. Oh god, it’s Ted Cruz.

[cheers and applause]

Ted Cruz: Yes, yes. Senator Ted Cruz performing talent of stand up comedy. Oh, it is great to be back in New York city. I’m sorry, my arms are tired because I just flew back Cancun, Mexico. But can you really blame a brother for want some sun? Oh-oh! Oh-oh! Here comes my catch phrase that I’ve spent all day yesterday screaming. Are you ready? Here we go now. [yelling] Freedom!

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Wow. It’s been quite a night and we’re down to our last contestant. Let’s bring him out.

[cheers and applause]

Seymour Foreman: Hello. My name is Seymour Foreman and I’m RonaldJane F. years young. I was an army doctor but now I’m just the world’s proudest granddad.

Gretchen Whitmer: Aww. Wow, you got it all.

Andrew Cuomo: You win.

Gavin Newsom: You get the vaccine.

Seymour Foreman: Oh, wonderful. So, do I get it here or back stage?

Andrew Cuomo: Oh, no. You can’t get it here. You gotta make an appointment online.

Seymour Foreman: On what? Oh no! How do I do that?

Gavin Newsom: Do you have a computer?

Seymour Foreman: For Spider Solitaire.

Gretchen Whitmer: Well, is there a young person who could help you?

Seymour Foreman: Perhaps the mailman?

Andrew Cuomo: Now, does he have three straight days to click refresh?

Seymour Foreman: I don’t think he does. He seems busy.

Gretchen Whitmer: Ah! So close. Better luck next time.

Andrew Cuomo: But if you do feel sick, make sure you leave the nursing home and get to the hospital. Wink!

Seymour Foreman: Oh no!

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Alright. That’s all the time we have. I’m just getting word, power went out at the CVS nearby. The vaccines are all going to expire. So, it’s first come first stab.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

PostCOVID Dating

Kate McKinnon

Guy piano… Andrew Dismukes

Nick Jonas

[Starts with Suzane watching Guy piano playing piano]

Suzane: You play wonderful.

Guy piano: Thank you.

[Suzane pulls out some money from piano collection jar and walks to the bar]

Suzane: Bartender, I’ll take one more if you don’t mind and don’t be stingy with the scotch.

John: [sitting at the bar] Well, hello. I didn’t see you there.

Suzane: You still don’t. You’re looking the wrong way. I’m over here.

John: Oh, I see. There you are. I must have been looking at your reflection in that mirror over there.

Suzane: That’s not a mirror. That’s a painting of a lion with an explorer’s head in it’s mouth.

John: Ah! So it is. You’ll have to forgive me. This is my first time I’ve been out of the house since lockdown.

Suzane: Oh. Same for me. I’m not used to being out in public and I’m definitely not used to flirting with handsome men.

John: Maybe you should give it a try.

Suzane: Alright. How’s this? There are mights in your pillows and if you sleep with your mouth open, I’ll go right in there. That wasn’t good. I’m sorry.

John: No, I thought it was cute.

Suzane: Why don’t you try pickup line on me?

John: Okay. Here’s one. You have beautiful eyes but they’ll look better on my floor.

Suzane: I don’t think you said that right. Um, maybe just try making a flirty face.

John: Like this? [making funny face]

Suzane: Wow. That’s magic. Speaking of magic, would you like to see a little trick as an ice breaker?

John: I insist.

Suzane: Okay. I haven’t done this since before quarantine. So, hope I still can. Now, keep your eye on the cherry stem, alright? [puts the stem in her breasts and pulls out with small flower] I did it.

John: Wow, where did you learn that?

Suzane: Hogwarts. Kidding. Prison. Kidding. Prison. I’ve been to prison a bunch. That’s where I got these tattoos. [showing tattoos on her fists. One hand has “LOVE” and another hand has “HAT”]

John: Ah! Ran out of money before you could get to ‘E’?

Suzane: No, I just love hats. How about you? Do you know any tricks?

John: Oh no. Well, I know one. But it’s dumb.

Suzane: Oh, no, no. Show me. I want to see it. If the trick is anything like you, it must be very handsome.

John: Well, okay. Watch closely. [opens his jacket, and there’s a cat inside] That’s stupid, I didn’t even do it right.

Suzane: Oh, no. I loved it. Bartender, could we get a bowl of milk please?

Bartender: Oh, yes. Right away.

Suzane: Thank you so much. Wow. Great. [Suzane takes the bowl and drinks it herself] I like you

John: I like you. Would you care to dance?

Suzane: I thought you’d never ask.

[Suzane stands and starts dancing]

John: No, I mean with me.

Suzane: Oh. [laughing] I don’t know. It’s been so long since I’ve done anything like that. What song would we dance to?

John: Hey, piano guy!

Guy piano: My name is Guy Piano!

John: Sorry, Mr. Piano. Do you know a good song for dancing with a beautiful stranger?

Guy piano: It’s been a while since I’ve taken request. But how about this? [starts playing piano]

Suzane: Take me up at ball game. Perfect.

John: Shall we?

Suzane: Let’s go slow, okay? [Suzane and John start dancing] I’ve been hurt before. I walked into a sliding glass door.

John: Remember when they would play this at ball games?

Suzane: It’s been so long. I wonder if we remember the words.

John: [singing] Take me out to the ball game

Suzane: Put me out in the snow

Suzane and John: Buy me some peanuts and hacky snacks

John: I wonder what this thing is in on your back

Suzane and John: And it’s one, two, three, four, five, six
and that’s how numbers work

Suzane: Hey, do you think things will go back to normal? Will this beautiful bitch of a city ever be what it once was?

John: It will. I know it will. Do you believe me?

Suzane: I do. And I think I’ve fallen in love with you.

John: And I just realized I don’t even know your name.

Suzane: Ah! Suzane Johnson.

John: Hm. That’s a beautiful name.

Suzane: What’s your’s?

John: John Suzanson.

Suzane: Wow. I guess it’s fate

John: I guess it is.

Mirror Workout

Chris Redd

Mikey Day

Nathan… Nick Jonas

Crissa… Heidi Gardner

Shannon… Kate McKinnon

Azuzal… Pete Davidson

[Starts with Chris and Mikey in their apartment]

Chris: So, how does this thing work again?

Mikey: It’s a workout mirror. So, the instructors are in it. You just do what they do. It’s supposed to be awesome.

Chris: Oh, that’s sick. I’m gonna get so jacked.

Mikey: Yeah. I know, man. Like, the bike, the rowing machine, the treadmill, none of that stuff worked. But this definitely will.

Chris: Well, let’s do it, man.

[Mikey turns the mirror on. Nathan appears on it.]

Nathan: What’s up? Welcome to your first mirror workout. You ready to work?

Chris and Mikey: Yeah!

Nathan: That’s what I thought. Today, we’re gonna be doing Mikey0 second interval training. We’ll be cycling through trainers. So, let’s go. Let’s do this. I’m Nathan. And you’re going to make some major gains. I’m your man.

Mikey: Yo, dude, I love this already.

Chris: We’re gonna get so yo.

[Crissa appears on the mirror.]

Crissa: And I’m Crissa, cardio queen. I’m here to make you sweat. You’re going to hate me by the end of this. But I love that.

Mikey: Oh, dude, Crissa’s gonna kick our ass. I can feel it.

Chris: Man, these people are great, man. They get me pumped up.

[Shannon appears on the mirror. She is an old woman]

Shannon: My name is Shannon Delgado. I am trapped inside of the mirror. I am in a cold black void. If you can hear me, please help me undo the curse.

Chris: What the hell was that about?

Mikey: Yeah. I don’t know, man. But Nathan’s back. Let’s do this.

Nathan: Alright, dudes. Pick up those weights. It’s bicep curls. Make sure you get a full extension. Swirl is the goal. Let’s go.

Mikey: Yo, this is tight.

Chris: It’s definitely cool. My only question is like, who is Shannon Delgado?

Crissa: Hey, ya’ll! It’s time for high-steps. I know it sucks but just remember you’re earning that guacamole later.

Mikey: Oh, dude, you know I’m a guac freak.

Chris: Oh man, you know I am too. Oh, no. She’s back.

[Shannon is standing there with paper bags full of groceries]

Shannon: Hello again, it’s me, Shannon Delgado. Here is what happened to me. I was rude to a fortune teller and now I am here. I need you to call my husband, Ron Delgado, and tell him not to get remarried. I don’t have much time. I am being watched.

Chris: Okay, now she’s got her stuff with her. I’m kind of worried about Shannon Delgado, man.

Mikey: Yo, what I’m worried about is my gains. When’s my man Nathan coming back?

Nathan: Time for tricep kickbacks. Nathan arms, that’s what you want? You gotta do it like this. Also, pro-tip, don’t listen to Shannon Delgado. She’s a liar. Let’s go.

Chris: Wait, he can hear us?

Mikey: Dude, focus on your form.

Shannon: There’s no food in here. Sometimes they lay out a beautiful feast but it twinkles in a way that lets me know that it’s cursed. Once they gave me a beautiful meatball subs. I took a bite and I looked down and it was a rat.

[Azuzal slides in behind Shannon. He’s a guy wearing a red robe with long sharp nails.]

Azuzal: Work.

Shannon: Yes, yes. Apologies, Azuzal. Azuzal guards the gateway.

Azuzal: Work. Stretch.

Shannon: Yes, of course, Azuzal. So, just pull your arm across chest, guys.

Mikey: Oh, okay. So, she does like stretching I guess. Alright, that makes sense.

Chris: No, it doesn’t. And who is Azuzal?

Nathan: Alright. Now, it’s time for the fun stuff. We’re doing a mixtape. New move, new song. Start with me and Jason Derulo. Squads!

Mikey: Oh dude, these are tough, man. Ass to the grass, right?

Crissa: My turn. Let’s do some punches. Time to pump it up raise the glass.

Chris: I do love this.

Mikey: As long as it’s not squats, dude. I’m happy.

Shannon: [scared of Azuzal] Breathe into the stretch.

Azuzal: Work, my Shannon!

Mikey: Alright, full disclosure, man. I like Nathan and Crissa. I’m just not really feeling Shannon Delgado or Azuzal.

Chris: I’m kind of team Shannon. I hope she’s okay.

Nathan: Alright, yo. Let’s recover. Let’s roll out these shoulders. Nice.

[Shannon quietly walks pass behind Nathan]

Chris: Yo, Shannon Delgado is trying to get away.

Nathan: What? Oh, no. Azuzal, she’s not in her frame. Quick! She’s disobeying.

[Azuzal also walks pass behind Nathan]

Chris: Dude, Nathan is on Azuzal’s side.

Nathan: Alright yo, let’s take a deep breath. Roll it out, all sweaty. Praise to Azuzal. And workout done. Nice job.

Mikey: Nice, dude. I actually already feel gains.

Nathan: Y’all killed it today. Give yourselves a “Hell yeah!”

Chris and Mikey: Hell yeah!

Crissa: Give yourselves a “We freakin did it!”

Chris and Mikey: We freakin did it!

Shannon: Give yourselves “Infectus dome zu!”

Chris: A what?

Mikey: Infectus dome zu!

[lightning appears inside the apartment]

Chris: What the hell? Oh, dude! The power went out or something? What?

[Shannon is in place of Mikey now. She is standing beside Chris in the apartment.]

Shannon: It worked. It worked. I’m free. Ron, I’m coming.

[Mikey is inside the mirror now and Azuzal is behind him]

Mikey: No! No, why am I in here?

Azuzal: You are Shannon now. Work!