Tag: Kenan Thompson

Funk by James Brown

James Brown… Kevin Hart

Dave… Kenan Thompson

Steve… Taran Killam

Robbie… Bobby Moynihan

Ricki… Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Jay Pharoah

Samantha… Sasheer Zamata

[Starts with a band on a stage in 1971]

James Brown: Hey! Yeah, I wanna get up and do my thing.

Band: Yeah!

James Brown: I wanna get up and do my thing.

Band: Yeah!

James Brown: Can I count it all?

Band: Count it all.

James Brown: Can I count it all?

Band: Count it all.

James Brown: One, two, three, four.

[band starts playing music.]

[singing] Get up

Dave: You don’t know

James Brown: Get up

Dave: You don’t know

James Brown: Stay on the scene

Dave: You don’t know

James Brown: Like a sex machine

Dave: You don’t know

James Brown: Hey, now wait a minute. Should we get all funky?

Band: Yeah!

James Brown: Ay! Ah! I said, should we get more funky?

Band: Yeah!

James Brown: Now, before we get funky, I need to hear from each person individual.

Dave: Why?

James Brown: Well, I just wanna make sure I’m making the right decision, you know. Hey! Should we get more funky, Steve?

[Cut to Steve, Robbie and Ricki playing their instruments]

Steve: Yes!

[Cut to James Brown]

James Brown: Hey! Yeah! Okay, that’s one. What about you, Robbie?

[Cut to Steve, Robbie and Ricki playing their instruments]

Robbie: Yeah!

[Cut to James Brown]

James Brown: Ha-ha-ha, fantastic. We’re halfway to funk-town people. Ay! Ricki, should we get more funky?

[Cut to Ricki is nodding his head yes.]

[Cut to James Brown]

That’s not good enough, Ricki. I need a verbal commitment.

[Cut to Ricki]

Ricki: Okay, yes.

[Cut to James Brown and Dave]

James Brown: Thank you. Ay, Dave, should we get more funky?

Dave: I don’t know.

James Brown: You don’t know? What don’t you know, Dave?

Dave: I don’t know if I wanna get more funky than this.

[Cut to Kyle playing bass guitar]

Kyle: Yeah, I think we’re pretty good. We’re at funk-wise.

[Cut to Robbie.]

Robbie: Yeah, man. I mean, this is fun right now.

[Cut to James Brown and Dave. Jay is playing drums at the back.]
James Brown: Okay, so wait a minute. Hold on. Hold on. So, y’all don’t want to get more funky?

Dave: I mean, should we get more funky?

James Brown: Wait, what are you doing? I ask the questions.

Jay: Ay, I got a question

James Brown: Wait, what did I just say?

Jay: Hey, how come you’re the only one that get a cape?

Dave: Yeah, why don’t we all get capes?

James Brown: Coz if we all get capes, who’s gonna bring out the cape?

Dave: Maybe Samantha can bring out the capes.

James Brown: What? Samantha! You wanna bring out the capes?

[Cut to Lorraine and Samantha rocking her body to the music.]

Samantha: I’m not bringing out no damn capes.

[Cut to James Brown, Dave and Jay]

James Brown: Well, that settles cap thing. Hey!

[singing] Get up

Dave: You don’t know

James Brown: Get up

Dave: You don’t know

James Brown: Stay on the scene

Dave: You don’t know

James Brown: Like a sex machine

Dave: You don’t know

James Brown: Ay! Now, should we take it to the bridge?

Band: Yes.

James Brown: I said, should we take it to the bridge?

Band: Yes.

James Brown: Steve, bridge?

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: No!

[Cut to James Brown and Dave]

James Brown: Wait, just a flat no? Okay, I just heard you said ‘yeah’ with everybody else. What about you? Ay! Lauren, should we take it to the bridge?

[Cut to Lorraine and Samantha]

Lorraine: It’s Lorraine.

James Brown: Lorraine? Since when?

[Cut to Lorraine and Samantha]

Lorraine: Tuesday. I got married. [showing her ring]

[Cut to James Brown and Dave]

James Brown: You got married and you changed your first name? Hey! Hey, well, you know what? I don’t want to take it to the bridge no more.

Band: What?

James Brown: Yeah, I don’t wanna. This song says three words for about 20 minutes. You know what? I’m hungry. You guys hungry?

Band: Yeah!

James Brown: Should we get the chicken prawn?

Band: Yeah!

James Brown: Hah! So that’s 10 chicken prawn.

Band: Yeah!

James Brown: Lorraine, you want the chicken prawn?

[Cut to Lorraine and Samantha]

Lorraine: With mustard.

[Cut to James Brown and Dave]

James Brown: With mustard? Who wants mustard on a chicken prawn?

Dave: I do.

James Brown: Okay, fine. So, that’s 10 chicken prawns with mustard.

Band: Yeah!

James Brown: Hey, now can I hit it to quit it?

Dave: I don’t know, James. Can you?

James Brown: May I, okay. May I hit it to quit it.

Band: Yeah!

James Brown: Wait, so if I stop singing, you all gonna stop playing?

Band: Yeah!

James Brown: Coz I don’t wanna stop singing, then you all keep playing. Then one thinks I made a mistake.

Dave: That’s not gonna happen dude.

James Brown: Okay, hit me!

[the band stops playing]

[still singing] stay on the scene…

Dammit! I’m sorry guys. I’m sorry. That’s my bad. Chicken prawn.

Bushwick, Brooklyn 2015

Jay Pharoah

Kevin Hart

Marques

Kenan Thompson

[Strats with a video clip of streets of Bushwick, Brooklyn]

[Cut to three black young men at the hood.]

Jay: Yo! Who dat? Who dat?

Kevin: Wait! Who?

[Cut to Marques cycling]

[Cut to Jay, Kevin and Kenan]

Kenan: Man, it’s just Marques, man!

Kevin: Yo! Wad up, Marques?

Kenan: Wad up, Kes?

Jay: Yo, it’s getting crazy out here.

Kevin: I told you I ran in the Ray today, right?

Kenan: Is that right?

Kevin: Yeah!

Kenan: What happened?

Kevin: So, I’m walking down Bushwick, right? I’m on my way to Martha’s

Jay: Your baby mother?

Kevin: Na, na, na. that new mayonnaise spot.

[Cut to Kevin walking into Martha’s Mayonnaise store.]

Jay: Yo, I heard about that.

[Cut to Kevin]

Kevin: I read about it on donut food blog. It said that the garlic truffle was a must try, so I said, “Alright, let me try.”

[Cut to Jay, Kevin and Kenan]

Kenan: Didn’t I show a movie spin class to Bushwick?

Kevin: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

Jay: Yeah! I was there last week.

[Cut to Kevin on gym cycle between two other ladies using gym cycles. Kevin is using cellphone.]

I texted you but you an’t text me back.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: I was caught up. I had brunch with Carol.

[Cut to Kevin]

Kevin: Wait, what Carol? Carol from project?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Na, na, na. Carol DeTec that I nanny for.

[Cut to Jay, Kevin and Kenan]

Kevin: Oh, okay.

Kenan: Her kids went away on ski trip, you know what I’m saying? So, we just had a day together. Telling why and whatever. Had that brunch, went to shopping, got gelato.

Kevin: Let me tell you something. You be needing that bro. You know what I’m saying? The time, that ‘you time’.

Kenan: So, anyway, you seen Ray, then what happened?

Kevin: Oh, right. So, I’m with my bitches, right?

[Cut to Jay]

Jay: Come on, man! You ain’t got no bitches.

[Cut to Kevin and Kenan]

Kenan: Play you out, man.

Kevin: Why you tryina’ play me like I ain’t got like, 10  bitches man? My dog walking business is bubbling!

[Cut to Kevin walking the dogs.]

Kenan: Everybody in the hood know about your passion for K9.

[Cut to Jay, Kevin and Kenan]

Kevin: Ay!

Kenan: Streets is talking, fam! That’s why you getting that bread right now.

Kevin: Let me tell you something. It ain’t even about that bread, bro. Man, I got love for them dogs. Love. I’d die for mine. [cut to Kevin] I knitted the sweaters for Christmas. [Cut to Kevin holding two dogs wearing Christmas red sweater and he is wearing the same sweater too.]

Kenan: That’s adorable.

Kevin: We all got matching sweaters man.

[cut to Jay]

Jay: I mean, that’s real talk, man! Coz it’s like, you know, when you doing something you love, you don’t even got the work no more. It’s not work no more.

[Cut to Kevin]

Kevin: Heard that.

Jay: That’s how I feel about my parties.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Ayo! How was that last party?

[Cut to Jay, Kevin and Kenan]

Jay: Oh, that last party was off the table, man.

[Cut to Jay in painting class drinking wine.]

It was drinking wine. Painting the landscapes. Various food, you know what I’m saying?

[Cut to Jay, Kevin and Kenan]

Kevin: You have any Cheeses though?

Jay: Do we have Cheeses. You asking if we have any chee– [Cut to Jay] What else are you gonna compare with, air?

Kevin: You’re right.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Who went to it though?

[Cut to Jay]

Jay: Yo! The whole squad was in there. Big Tank, Sara, Smokie, Marative, D’Rock, Barbara. What’s the boy’s name?

Kevin: Bacwaf.

Jay: Bacwaf.

[Cut to Jay, Kevin and Kenan]

Even Brit was there.

[Cut to Brit playing guitar and singing]

Brit: [singing] I’m in love with the Coco.

[Cut to Jay]

Jay: Yeah, listen. We was turned up.

[Cut to Jay, Kevin and Kenan]

Kevin: Yo man, I missed that B.

Jay: Well, I sent you an Evite and everything. You ain’t even respond.

[cut to Kevin and Kenan]

Kenan: [laughing] Yo! This dude said Evite like it’s twothousandthree or something.

Kevin: [laughing] Yo!

[Cut to Jay, Kevin and Kenan]

So, stupid, yo! You sound stupid.

Jay: Okay.

Kevin: You a sad music. Here comes the sad man.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Word! You acting like somebody put gluten in your muffin or something.

[Cut to Jay]

Jay: Whatever, man!

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Anyway! Back to the damn story.

[Cut to Jay, Kevin and Kenan]

Kevin: Right. Right, right, right.

Kenan: We don’t bush away. You see Ray, and?

Kevin: I shot him.

[Cut to Kevin shooting somebody with his gun.]

[Cut to Jay, Kevin and Kenan]

Jay: In front of the bitches and everything?

Kevin: Yeah!

[Cut to Kevin with the dogs holding a gun. Then he turns back and walks away with his dogs.]

[Cut to Jay, Kevin and Kenan]

Kenan: How was the mayonnaise?

Kevin: I didn’t get the mayonnaise. They trying to charge $8 for that shit.

Kenan: For mayonnaise?

Kevin: For mayonnaise. $8 for the mayonnaise.

Kenan: Come on, man!

[Kevin looks at someone.]

Kevin: Yo! Who dat? Who dat?

Kenan: Oh, that’s just Carama and his life partner. Wad up Caray?

Kevin: Wad up Magel?

Jay: It’s getting crazy out here.

[police siren]

Kevin: Yo, yo! Five, five, five.

[Jay, Kevin and Kenan split and walk in different directions.

Weekend Update Willie

Michael Che

Willie… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Michael Che in his set.]

Michael Che: It’s the holiday season. And I for one have not been feeling holiday spirit. Here with his thoughts on the holidays is the most positive guy I know, my neighbor Willie.

[Willie slides in]

Willie: Ay! Ay! Don’t you feel the spirit, Michael? It’s the most wonderful time of the year!

Michael Che: I honestly don’t, Willie. It’s cold out. Everything is crowded.

Willie: Oh, but Michael, life is good. [Cut to Willie] And you gotta appreciate it coz like the doctors always say, “I don’t know what that is, Willie, but it’s spreading.”

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Your doctor said that? Are you okay?

Willie: Ay! I’m better than okay. I’m alright. [Cut to Willie] Sure, things aren’t perfect. Money is a little tight. But things can always be worse. It’s like my daddy always told me, “Son, things just got worse.” And you know, he was always right.

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: That sounds horrible, man!

Willie: Look, [Cut to Willie] I may not be the richest man, I may not have grown up with Hollywood luxuries, like limousines or matching shoes or kidneys, but it was like my pastor always says, “You can’t sleep here, Willie.”[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Oh, I am sorry, Willie.

Willie: Ay! The point is, Christmas is the best time of the year, Michael. [Cut to Willie] All of the bright lights are flashing. The bells ringing. The taste of a spoon holding your tongue. All the little children running around yelling, “Mama, I think old Willie is having an episode.”

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: That really happened to you on Christmas?

Willie: It happens to all of us.

Michael Che: No, man! It doesn’t.

Willie: Well, you know what I think of Christmas? I think of my old dog Lucias. Boy did he love the snow. Last Christmas eve, [Cut to Willie] I took him off his lease so he can play in the snow. And he just ran and ran and ran and ran till I couldn’t see him anymore. But it’s like they always say, “You can forget about that dog, Willie.”

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Ay, you know what? I feel better man. You did it. You cured. You know what? [giving Willie some money] Take this too. Ay man, Merry Christmas.

Willie: [crying] Oh, man! This changes everything. A holiday miracle like this reminds me of an old saying.

Michael Che: What’s that?

Willie: “You gonna mess this money up too, Willie.”

Michael Che: Willie, everyone!

Willie: Merry Christmas.

Michael Che: Merry Christmas.

Serial The Christmas Surprise

Sarah Kinik… Cecily Strong

Jennifer… Amy Adams

Chris… Kyle Mooney

David… Kenan Thompson

Dana… Kate McKinnon

Jingle… Jay Phroah

Adina Hernandez… Aidy Bryang

[Starts with clips of recording studio]

[Cut to Sarah Kinik getting near the mic]

Sarah Kinik narrating: I want you to think about things you can’t see. Rotation of the planets. Electricity. Gravity. Because we only see the results and not the process, should we come to the conclusion that it doesn’t exist? I’m Sarah Kinik. On December 25th 1999, a small boy awoken ball to our Maryland. [Cut to and old video of a boy opening his Christmas gifts] He went down to his living room and found a NERF End Strike Mega Magnus Blaster. It’s mouthful, I know, that’s the toy you want it. Toy had no tag, no receipt. As if it appeared out of thin air. The boy maintained the toy had been brought by magic by a mysterious man named Chris. But I had to ask myself, could Christ really had done this? And if so, how?

[Cut to SERIAL: One Story Told Week by Week video bumper.]

[Cut to Jennifer speaking like in documentaries.]

Jennifer: Toys just appear at our house. Not just this year. Every year.

Interviewer: And you’re not buying them?

Jennifer: No.

Sarah Kinik narrating: That’s Jennifer, the boy’s mother.

[Cut to video of Sarah Kinik visiting Jennifer’s house.]

She’s actually the one who contacted me about this story. She sides with her son saying that she wasn’t responsible for the gift. Like, Chris did it. That he snuck into her house in the middle of the night and just left things. She said she even has proof.

[Cut to Sarah Kinik and Jennifer in front of the chimney]

Jennifer: I left the cookies. And when I woke up, they were gone.

Sarah Kinik: And nobody followed up with you on this?

Jennifer: No.

Sarah Kinik narrating: For the past year, I’ve been talking to Chris. [Cut to Chris making toys] A thousand year old toy maker who lives up north. It should be noted that Chris is part of the population who identify themselves as Elves. Their minority in the United States often looked shifty, secretive. But I’ll get to that later. Chris says that he not only left the toy for the boy in Baltimore, but he leaves millions of toys for kids around the world. And he does it one night. I know, shocking, right?

[Cut to Sarah Kinik speaking on the phone]

Sarah Kinik: [on the phone] You know, it’s like, you said you hit every house. I mean, you understand that’s hard for people to swallow, you know what I mean?

Chris: [replying on the phone] Look, I don’t know how it works, you know? You’re either going to believe in me or not, but I know it’s real. Okay?

Sarah Kinik narrating: Christ would get like this sometimes about the more unbelievable parts of the story. But I guess he was right. How do you explain these things?

[Cut to Sarah Kinik speaking on the phone]

Sarah Kinik: [on the phone] It’s just, you said you hit every town. Like, you understand, that’s hard for people to swallow, right? You know what I mean?

Chris: [replying on the phone] And I understand that. I get that, you know. But for me, when it comes down to, is like, Christmas magic. You know what I mean? I don’t know what else to say. I just don’t know what to say, you know?

Sarah Kinik narrating: I had to follow up on this. It just seemed so outlandish. [Cut to Sarah Kinik meeting David] So, I called my friend David who has been delivering packages for 12 years. The same kind of packages Chris would have been delivering.

[Cut to Sarah Kinik and David]

Sarah Kinik: What would the timeline be for someone to deliver a series of presents throughout the world. Is that even possible?

[Cut to David]

David: Nah! I don’t think so.

Sarah Kinik narrating: I should mention that David works for UPS, which would be in direct competition with Chris.

David: No, I’ve never seen anything like that.

Sarah Kinik: Okay.

David: If he says he can do it, he is lying.

Sarah Kinik: Okay.

Sarah Kinik narrating: So, we attempted it.

[Cut to Dana and Sarah Kinik building a sleigh out of card boards.]

My producer Dana and I built a sleigh. We couldn’t get reindeer so we got a small horse. Needless to say it went badly. Horse wouldn’t even fly.

[Cut to Sarah Kinik speaking on the phone]

Sarah Kinik: [on the phone] We tried this. We didn’t even get close, you know?

Chris: But you didn’t have my reindeer! You know what I’m saying? Like, magic reindeer only know where I’m at. Yo, regular people can’t just make a reindeer fly. You know what I’m saying?

Sarah Kinik: Yeah.

Sarah Kinik narrating: This is my biggest problem with Chris’s story. I understand hitting one town overnight. Maybe two. But every town in the world just didn’t seem right. That brings us to Jingle. [Cut to Jingle] Jingle’s an elf who claims he was with Chris on December 25th, 1999. He says they drove around, got high, hung out. That’s it. No presents, no flying. Jingle was the prosecution star witness in a trial against Chris on 24th street a few years ago. Here’s a recording of defense attorney Adina Hernandez cross examining Jingle back then.

Adina Hernandez: Now, Jingle. Did you tell the other elves on March 14th that Chris was magic?

Jingle: No, Ma’am, I did not.

Adina Hernandez: You never? Not once?

Jingle: No, Ma’am.

Adina Hernandez: Whaaaaaat?

Sarah Kinik narrating: So, if Jingle didn’t see Chris leave the present, did anyone? Maybe there are people out there who claim they’ve seen Chris leave lots of presents. Maybe they’ve written in letters. Maybe they’ve sat on his lap. And then there’s the Nisha call. Next time on SERIAL.

[Cut to Dana]

Dana: So, it’s mail kim? (MailChimp)

Sarah Kinik: what?

 

Office Christmas Party (Amy Adams)

Shy Girl, Kathy… Kate McKinnon

Carol… Aidy Bryant

Tom… Kenan Thompson

Jerry… Bobby Moynihan

Pete Davidson

Jay Pharoah

Kevin… Beck Bennett

Randy… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with people in a party at office.]

Kathy: Ah! The party is terrible.

Carol: That’s the worst. [Cut to Tom dancing and using his laptop] Tom keeps playing Ghost Busters. [Cut to Jerry, Kathy and Carol] Why would he do that at a holiday party?

Jerry: You know what my Christmas wish is? This party was banging.

[Cut to Pete and Jay walking in from the door. They’re dressed for the party. There’s smoke as in the room as they enter.]

Jay: Did somebody make a wish?

[Cut to everybody]

Jerry: Um, I did.

[Cut to Pete and Jay]

Pete: Well, it’s about to come true.

[Cut to Jerry]

Jerry: What are you guys? Angels or something?

[Cut to Pete and Jay]

Jay: It doesn’t matter.

Pete: Let’s turn this bitch up.

[Hiphop beat drops and the music video begins.]

Pete and Jay: [rapping] Office Christmas Party
Office Christmas Party

[The people in the office are drinking shots.]

Office Christmas Party
Shy girl from payroll sort of dancing
Office Christmas Party
Jerry and Kathy are hitting it off
Office Christmas Party
Dave did impression of an IT guy and crushed it
Office Christmas Party

Crazy seeing the cleaning lady not in the uniform
Office Christmas Party
Kevin still trying to finish some work
Office Christmas Party
Randy made a slideshow but can’t work the projector
Office Christmas Party
Carol from the media is way too drunk
Office Christmas Party
Carol from the media just jumped into the Christmas tree
Office Christmas Party
Someone control Carol from new media
This is getting out of hand
we love that people are having fun
but do us a favor and just be safe guys
Oh, snap! The boss is making it rain gift cards

[music stops]

[Cut to Shy Girl singing Christmas song]

Shy Girl: We wish you a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

I’m Becky and I am from payroll. Out!

[Shy girl drops the mic and starts the rapping]

Now let’s get crazy

Pete and Jay: [rapping] Office Christmas Party
Office Christmas Party
Office Christmas Party
Oh, snap!

[All the employees are partying]

Why is there a goat here?
Office Christmas Party

Jay: What?

Pete and Jay: Peace!

Amy Adams monologue with Kristen Wiig

Amy Adams

Kate McKinnon

Bobby Moynihan

Taran Killam

Sasheer Zamata

Kenan Thompson

Kristen Wiig

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Amy Adams.

[Amy Adams walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Amy Adams: Thank you. Thank you so much. It is so wonderful to be here hosting the SNL Christmas show. Christmas is the best time in New York. It is the best. And it has been so great having my four year old daughter here with me, and seeing it all through her eyes. And, if you have kids, you just have to go down to Time Square and meet Christmas Elmo. and if you’re lucky, he’s gonna take his head off and ask you for a cigarette.

But, no, honestly, this is my favorite time of year and just with all of the crazy stuff going on in the world lately, I just– I think we could use a little holiday cheer.

[piano playing]

So,

[singing] Haul out the holly;
Put up the tree before my spirit falls again.
Fill up the stocking,
I may be rushing things, but deck the halls again now.

[Kate McKinnon and Bobbly Moynihan join Amy Adams]

Amy Adams, Kate McKinnon and Bobby Moynihan: For we need a little Christmas
Right this very minute,

[Kate McKinnon and Bobby Moynihan leaves. Taran Killam and Sasheer Zamata come in]

Amy Adams, Taran Killam and Sasheer Zamata:Candles in the window,
Carols at the spinet.
Yes, we need a little Christmas

[Taran Killam and Sasheer Zamata leave. Kenan Thompson comes in and throws snow over Amy Adams and himself.]

Amy Adams: Aw, thanks you guys.

[four men dressed like reindeers bring in Kristen Wiig carrying her horizontally in a line.]

Oh, my god! Kristen Wiig.

[cheers and applause]

Kristen Wiig: Okay, guys, I need you to set me down gently like we talked about. I need a lot of support on my back side. Yes, more support. More. Okay.

Amy, you guys are kidding, right? I mean that’s all the holiday cheer you guys have? Kenan throwing a handful of fake snow at the camera?

Kenan Thompson: Hey, I like how I did it.

[Kenan Thompson throws the snow again]

Amy Adams: Kristen. I am so, so happy to see you, but isn’t this the second time you crashed my monologue?

Kristen Wiig: I’m not crashing. I have just showed up uninvited. Oh, Amy, okay, your song was really great but we need to get a little more energy. You know, these people are Christmased out! You gotta give them some flash, you know. Some sizzle. You gotta give them like, [giving a pose] pow! And then you gotta give them like, [giving two more poses] pow, pow. Now, you try.

Amy Adams: [giving poses] Pow, pow.

Kristen Wiig: That’s pretty good! There you go. Um, can someone please give me my glitter microphone?

[Someone passes her the mic.]

Thank you Mariah Carey.

Amy Adams: That was Mariah Carey?

Kristen Wiig: Yes, but I really don’t wanna make this about her. This is about us.

Amy Adams: Well, I thought that this was about Christmas.

[drums rolling]

Kristen Wiig: [singing] Coz we need a lot of Christmas
right this very minute
the candles are on the randles
and sushi’s in a barrel
penguin in the oven

[Amy Adams stops Kristen Wiig]

Amy Adams: Those are not the words.

Kristen Wiig: It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter what the words are. That’s my point. It’s how you feel. It’s how you make people feel. Now, get in the Christmas spirit and dance with my Christmas song.

[four men dressed like reindeers come in and start dancing. Kristen Wiig leaves and Amy Adams starts dancing with the reindeers.]

[the reindeers carry Amy Adams on their shoulders.]

Amy Adams: Oh, wow! Oh, this is pretty good. [dancing] Oh, this is really good.

[the reindeers leave and Kristen Wiig walks in. Kristen Wiig has a hat that looks like top of Christmas tree.]

Kristen Wiig: Guys, we need a little music
need a little laughter

Amy Adams and Kristen Wiig: Need a little singing
riding through the rafter

[Kristen Wigg is trying to do legs split.]

Kristen Wiig: We need Christmas
We need Christmas

Amy Adams: Okay, stop! Stop! Just stop! Kristen Stop.

[Kristen Wiig is in pain]

Just stop. I really appreciate what you’re doing and that you’re trying to help me, but Christmas isn’t about all of this flashy stuff. It’s about family and friends and being together.

[piano playing]

[singing] We need a little Christmas

Kristen Wiig: Yeah, I want all the stuff.

Amy Adams: Right this very minute.

[Amy Adams removes Kristen Wiig’s Christmas tree hat.]

Kristen Wiig: No, not my hat.

Amy Adams: Candles in the window

Kristen Wiig: My shakers.

Amy Adams: Carols at the spinet.

[Amy Adams points at Kristen Wiig’s breasts and asks to give the cutlets to her.]

Come on!

Kristen Wiig: Argh!

[Kristen Wiig hands them over to Amy Adams]

Amy Adams: Oh, thee are hot! These are hot!

Kristen Wiig: Yeah, those are hot. But, you know what? You’re right.

Amy Adams and Kristen Wiig: We need a little Christmas
right this very minute

[drums rolling]

It hasn’t snowed a single flurry,
But Santa, dear, we’re in a hurry;

Amy Adams: Come on!

[Kate McKinnon, Bobby Moynihan, Taran Killam, Sasheer Zamata and Kenan Thompson join them]

Everybody: So climb down the chimney;
Put up the brightest string of lights I’ve ever seen.

[Dancers with Christmas outfit walk in and dance]
Slice up the fruitcake;
It’s time we hung some tinsel on that evergreen bough.
For we need a little Christmas
Right this very minute,
Need a little Christmas now

[confetti drop]

[cheers and applause]

Amy Adams: Thank you. We’ve got a great show. One Direction is here. So, stick around and we’ll be right back.

[music playing]

[cheers and applause]

A Very Cuban Christmas

Gloria Estefan… Cecily Strong

Pitbull… Taran Killam

Hurley…Bobby Moynihan

Tony Montana… Kyle Mooney

Tony’s girlfriend… Amy Adams

Elian Gonzalez… Pete Davidson

Diana Nyad… Kate McKinnon

Cuba Gooding Jr. … Kenan Thompson

Rahul Castro… Fred Armisen

Barack Obama… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with logos of NBC and CUBA VISION]

Male voice: The following is a joint podcast from NBC and CUBA VISION.

[Cut to ‘A Very Cuban Christmas’ intro]

Male voice: It’s a very Cuban Christmas with your very Cuban host, [Cut to Gloria Estefan and Pitbull] Gloria Estefan and Pitbull.

[cheers and applause]

Gloria Estefan: Alright! [speaks in Cuban language]

Pitbull: [speaks in Cuban language] Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Gloria Estefan: Tonight we celebrate the fact that Cuba and the United States have resumed diplomatic relations after 50 years.

Pitbull: Now, later on in the program, we welcome Cuban baseball legend, Jose Canseco who’s gonna show us how to reattach a finger after shooting off your own hand.

Gloria Estefan: That’s gonna be fun.

Pitbull: But first, a word from our sponsor.

Male voice: A Very Cuban Christmas is sponsored by [Cut to an old car] 1957 Chevy Bel Air. ‘It’s Our Newest Car’.

[Cut to Pitbull]

Pitbull: Okay, now obviously, Cuba is very excited about having American tourists. Gloria, don’t you have something to say about that?

Gloria Estefan: Oh, you know I do.

[music playing]

[Gloria Estefan walks in with two back up dancers.]

[singing] Come everybody, visit Cuba
spend all your money on cigars and scuba
so much better here than in a room-a
maybe give us one of your aromas please

[Cut to Hurley]

Hurley: Ha-ha-ha. That’s right. Modern electronic sure are hard to come by here in Cuba. Hi, I’m Hurley from Lost. And yes, I am Cuban, dude. And so is our next guest. Scarface himself, Tony Montana.

[Cut to Tony Montana]

Tony Montana: That’s right. Here I am and I brought my girlfriend too. You okay baby?

[Tony’s girlfriend walks in. She has cocaine all over her nose.]

Tony’s girlfriend: I’m way okay.

Tony Montana: Now, the best news is the embargo in Cuba has been lifted. Tell them what that means, baby.

Tony’s girlfriend: First, we get the money. Then we get the cellphone. Then we get the Walmart.

Tony Montana: That’s right. Now why don’t you say hello to my little friend? It’s Elian Gonzalez.

[Elian Gonzalez walks in]

He’s a grown up.

Elian Gonzalez: Hello everyone.

[Gloria Estefan walks in]

Gloria Estefan: You’re sort of a folk hero here in Cuba. You crossed the ocean to America in a boat back in 1999.

[Diana Nyad walks in a swimming costume]

Diana Nyad: Oh, that’s not a hero.

Gloria Estefan: Excuse me. Who are you?

Diana Nyad: I’m an American swimmer Diana Nyad. [Cut to Diana Nyad] Hey! You came to America in a boat? Oh! Big whoop! I swam the Cuba! 90 miles of open ocean you little bitch! It’s called America. Look it up. Oh!

[Cut to Gloria Estefan, Tony Montana, Tony’s girlfriend and Elian Gonzalez]

Gloria Estefan: Okay, let’s hear a word from our other sponsor.

[Cut to an old man holding a small teacup.]

Male voice: Tiny Cups of Coffee. You have just enough energy to sit in a folding chair outside of a bakery? Then get a Tiny Cup of Coffee.

[Cut to Cuba Gooding Jr.]

Cuba Gooding Jr.: Ha-ha. So fun. Hi, I am Cuba Gooding Jr. I’m not actually Cuban. But yeah, yeah. I’m pulling this for free. Let me introduce you to the man behind this entire agreement, Cuba’s de facto leader, Rahul Castro.

[Rahul Castro walks in]

Rahul Castro: Ola, welcome to Cuba. On behalf of myself and my brother Fidel, or should I say Papa Noel. That’s pretty fun. Also joining us live from his vacation in Hawaii is my new best friend and your socialist president, Barack Obama.

[Cut to split screen of Rahul Castro and Barack Obama]

Barack Obama: Hold on! Wait, did you say socialist?

Rahul Castro: And as part of our deal, all Cubans now have full access to Obamacare.

Barack Obama: Nope.

Rahul Castro: Which is not really great option if they want worse healthcare. Also, this is very exciting, all Cubans are now are about to be full Jewish citizens.

Barack Obama: No, that’s not accurate. Okay, I’m starting to have second thoughts about this–

[Barack Obama’s channel is disrupted.]

Rahul Castro: Looks like we lost him there. [Cut to Rahul Castro] Again, we only have one cellphone tower for 11 million people and it’s actually just a stack of all bicycles.

[Gloria Estefan walks in]

Gloria Estefan: Remember now, Cuba isn’t only about Christmas. In fact, if it’s anything like Miami, Cuba will soon be 80% Jewish. So to close the show, here’s Pitbull with his special Hanukkah song.

[Rahul Castro and Gloria Estefan leave the stage while Pitbull walks in with two ladies backup dancers.]

Pitbull: Ha-ha-ha-ha. This one’s for all my Jews out there celebrating Christmas. Dos, thres, Pitbull…

[music playing]

[rapping] swing your dreidel round and round
man who said is going down
eight nights line up the crow
Jews and Cuba are holy brown

Jews! You driving me crazy!

[Gloria Estefan and Rahul Castro walk in]

Gloria Estefan: Thanks for watching.

[cheers and applause]

Wedding Objections

Ian… Martin Freeman

Alberta… Leslie Jones

Father… Beck Bennett

Marny… Aidy Bryant

Patricia… Venessa Bayer

Alberta’s dad… Kenan Thompson

Doctor… Taran Killam

Casidy… Cecily Strong

Evelyn… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a man and a woman getting married in a church.]

Ian: Alberta, my love. Standing here in front of you, I know that my life is finally complete. Although we may come from different worlds, I Harrow and Oxford, you the WNBA, our love is one for the ages.

Father: And now for the bride’s vows.

Alberta: My dearest little Ian, before I met you the only time I felt truly alive was when I was out on the court throwing elbows, pushing bitches, falling out in the first quarter, wearing my plastic face mask and laying sisters out. But now that I have you, I feel complete.

Father: Beautiful. And at this time, if anyone can see any reason why these two should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace.

[Cut to everybody in the church raising their hands]

I see. Those of you who are now raising your hands. Yes, why don’t you start?

[Marny stands]

Marny: Hi. My name is Marny. I’m the bride’s roommate. Um, Alberta, you barely know this man. I mean, you met him five days ago at a combination Tacobell Pizzahut. You guys have had sex 50 times in our shared living space and in the rare moments that you’re not going at it, you are having full scream fights on the front lawn. Please, do not do this.

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Alberta: Marny, I love you, but you a hater and you’re jealous.

Ian: Marny, think of it like this. You’re not losing a roommate. You’re gaining a roommate.

Father: Yes, you. Lady right here in the front.

[Cut to Patricia]

Patricia: Hi, Ian. Remember me? I’m your wife, Patricia. Quick question, why are you throwing our marriage like this?

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Ian: And to that, I reply I am not throwing anything away. I am throwing a clutch three pointer right at the buzzer and that’s happiness.

Father: It looks like we’ve got a line of objections forming in the isle.

[Cut to the line. Alberta’s dad is at the front.]

Go ahead and step up to the microphone.

Alberta’s dad: Uh, yeah, I’m the father of the bride. Dammit, Alberta! Does this white boy know how many kids you got? How many kids you think she got, sir?

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Ian: Um, I’ll say three.

[Cut to Alberta’s dad]

Alberta’s dad: Well, double it and add four.

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Alberta: Daddy! Do not ruin this for me.

[Cut to Alberta’s dad]

Alberta’s dad: 10! 10 kids. You need to be straight with this boy. He just adopted a Wu Tang Clan.

[Alberta’s dad leaves]

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Ian: Sir, thank you for your concern. Your daughter did actively deceive me in this matter but I deceived her as well. Alberta, I am not the King of England. And the only castle I own is a White Castle.

Alberta: We good. Who is the next dummy?

[Cut to a doctor standing]

Doctor: Yes, hello. I am an emergency room doctor and few days ago this man was admitted to my ER with what I can only describe as a shattered penis.

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Alberta: That’s my bad. Sorry.

[Cut to the doctor]

Doctor: And after about 10 hours of surgery, I was able to reconstruct it.

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Ian: Um, mostly.

[Cut to the doctor]

Doctor: Yes, mostly. But it is still very much touch and go, extremely fragile. The best analogy would be a late state zynga tower. And I am just so, so scared for what may happen to this man’s penis tonight. Because if there is one wrong move, Zynga!

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Alberta: Thanks! Bye!

Ian: Yeah! Bye!

Father: Yes, the young lady in the headband.

[Cut to Casidy. She is in her basketball jersey.]

Casidy: Uh, yo, what’s up? I’m Alberta’s teammate Casidy. Ay, go lady bears! Uh, I know you love this little guy, but coach says we got a real shot this year. You got to focus on the game. A WNBA championship. We’d be set for life. $5,000 split among us.

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Ian: Maybe she has a point.

Alberta: Hey, baby, look at me. I can do both. By the day I will pull down those rebounds and by night, I’ll pull down my drobes.

Father: Okay, how about one last objection?

[Cut to Evelyn. She is an old lady.]

Evelyn: I don’t know these people. I was just walking by and I caught a very brief glimpse of these two thrill the winter. Now, I am a mild mannered person. I don’t speak in groups. I don’t get involved. But when I saw these two, every hair on my body stood up and said, “Evelyn, get in there and shut it down!” Also, I am a psychic. And I can tell you with complete confidence, all of this ends with a great gruesome murder at a female Big and Tall shop. The murder weapon will be an extra large plastic hanger.

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Ian: Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve heard your complaints.

Alberta: We have.

Ian: And we understand your trepidation.

Alberta: We do.

Ian: And yes, we are very different people. But more importantly, daddy needs his chocolate. He need it, need it, need it.

Alberta: That’s right.

Ian: Chocolate in the morning. Chocolate in the evening. Chocolate at supper time. Thank you.

Father: Well, if that’s all, I’d like to add my objection to the mix. And also pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride.

[Ian and Alberta kiss]

Sump’n Claus

Jay Phroah

Pete Davidson

Sump’n Claus… Kenan Thompson

Two girls… Cecily Strong, Sasheer Zamata

Sheila… Venessa Bayer

Kyle Mooney

Marcus… Martin Freeman

Beck Bennett

[Starts with Jay sitting on a couch when Pate walks in]

Jay: Hey, what’s up man? How was the concert?

Pate: It sucked. Me and my buddies got busted for drinking in the parking lot. Santa’s not bringing me anything this year.

Jay:  Ah! Don’t worry about it man! You always get a visit from Sump’n Claus.

Pate: Who’s that?

[Cut to Sump’n Claus book. The book opens.]

[Cut to Sump’n Claus walking with two women behind him]

[music playing]

Sump’n Claus: [rapping] Yeah! Everybody get Sump’n
everybody getting Sump’n

Two women: Everybody’s been naughty
everybody’s got flaws
if you’ve been cross off Santa’s list
here come’s Sump’n Claus

Sump’n Claus: [rapping] Was a girl name Sheila

[Cut to Sheila decorating her Christmas tree.]

had a meet with a man

[Cut to Kyle]

They were supposed to go to dinner

[Cut to Sheila and Kyle arguing]

but he had other plans
he said she was dominating
tried to take her diamond earrings
said that she was profiteering
soon he would be mis-appearing
she got mad, was on fire
took a knife inside his tyres
boom and boom, guns in fire
Santa said you no longer qualify-ya
But you know what I said?

[Cut to Sheila being sad, but Sump’n Claus slides in and gives her money.]

Everybody’s getting Sump’n
Everybody’s getting Sump’n

and I’m not talking about no toys

I give cash.

white envelope filled with 20s, sometimes 50s. Cash! And where am I getting this cash? Hey, man. We don’t need to talk about that.

[Cut to the girls singing and dancing]

The girls: Everybody’s been naughty
everybody’s got flaws
if you’ve been cross off Santa’s list
here come’s Sump’n Claus

Sump’n Claus: Here’s a story about Marcus

[Cut to Marcus at his office]

He’s working for the man

[Cut to Beck yeeling at Marcus]

works super long hours
does everything he can
one day he had all he can handle
threw everything and caused a scandal
broke his computer in the shambles
the mess he made was quite substantial 

[Cut to Marcus attacking Beck and getting arrested]

He got fired, got arrested
cops throw out but we protested
Santa said, “Man, you’ve been rejected”
but you know what I say

[Marcus is leaving office with his stuffs but Sump’n Claus slides in and gives him an envelope filled with cash.]

Everybody’s getting Sump’n
Everybody’s getting Sump’n

Oh, you sweating Santa being mad at you? What you thought y’all was friends? He sees you when you sleeping. That’s weird. I’ma tell you a secret. He hit somebody with that sleighs. Don’t like to talk about it.

[Cut to the girls singing and dancing]

The girls: Everybody’s been naughty
everybody’s got flaws
if you’ve been cross off Santa’s list
here come’s Sump’n Claus

Sump’n Claus: Let me tell you my story
it was a long time ago
I used to work for Santa
up at the North Pole
one day I was working at my station
Mrs. Claus started a conversation
both of us felt a sweet sensation
so we agreed on recreation
brought me inside, made some coco
she served me something so loco
Santa walked in and said, “That’s a no no”
but you know what I said
Everybody’s getting Sump’n
Everybody’s getting Sump’n

[Cut to the girls singing and dancing]

The girls: Everybody’s been naughty
everybody’s got flaws
if you’ve been cross off Santa’s list
here come’s Sump’n Claus

Sump’n Claus: And I’m talking about everybody. Justin Bieber getting Sump’n. Paula Deen getting Sump’n. Donald Sterling getting Sump’n. Suge Knight getting Sump’n. Kevin Bacon is getting Sump’n.

Sasheer: What’s wrong with Kevin Bacon?

Sump’n Claus: Oh, nothing. He’s just my homie.

[Cut to everybody getting Sump’n and being happy.]

Go ahead, be naughty. I got you!

[music stops]

Holiday Gig

Treece Hinderson… Kenan Thompson

Rad Dates… Kyle Mooney

Isaac Luneberi… Martin Freeman

Roman… Taran Killam

[Starts with a band performing in a restaurant]

Treece Hinderson: So great to have been performing at the Pine River Lodge annual tree lighting tonight. Once again, I am Treece Hinderson. I need to apologize to all of the ladies, my red jumpsuit is in the cleaners. It had worn very thin in the couple of spots. You know how that goes.

[Cut to everybody]

How is everybody’s Christmas? Looking good? Well, great! Here we go.

[drum rolling and music playing]

[singing] Twiddle-do-tweed
twiddle-do-twad
twiddle tree top on top of the Christmas tree

Oh! Ladies and gentlemen. I could not do any of this without these guys. The amazing house band here at the Pine River Lodge. You know them. Making all those wonderful sounds on his magic box, Mr. Rad Dates.

[Cut to Rad Dates]

Rad Dates: Treece, love you man!

[Cut to the band]

Treece Hinderson: Ha-ha, love you too bud. And Mr. Isaac Luneberi on Sax.

[Cut to Isaac Luneberi playing saxophone]

[Cut to Treece Hinderson and Isaac Luneberi]

Treece Hinderson: Ah! Isaac is such a good friend for letting me stay with him for this annual event. Thank you so much, Isaac.

Isaac Luneberi: You are welcome.

Treece Hinderson: Let me tell you something. This guy has been through a really rough patch.

[Cut to Isaac Luneberi]

Isaac Luneberi: Oh, I didn’t want to talk about that tonight.

[Cut to Treece Hinderson and Isaac Luneberi]

Treece Hinderson: I think you need to.

Isaac Luneberi: No, these people don’t wanna hear about my troubles.

Treece Hinderson: But it might feel good to talk about it.

Isaac Luneberi: Can we just play the song?

Treece Hinderson: Are you sure?

[Cut to Isaac Luneberi]

Isaac Luneberi: Yeah, I’ve been instructed not to talk about it, okay?

[Cut to Treece Hinderson and Isaac Luneberi]

Treece Hinderson: Are you in trouble?

Isaac Luneberi: Yes.

Treece Hinderson: Because of what you did to Roman?

Isaac Luneberi: I’m not supposed to talk about it, okay?

Treece Hinderson: So, nothing was resolved.

Isaac Luneberi: No.

Treece Hinderson: Fine.

[drums rolling and music playing]

[singing] Twiddle-do-tweed
twiddle-do-twad
twiddle tree top on top of the Christmas tree

Whoo! It is really happening. Look at this lovely couple down front here.

[Cut to the couple]

How are you guys feeling?

Man: Curious.

[Cut to Treece Hinderson]

Treece Hinderson: What? What about?

[Cut to the couple]

Woman: Well, about what’s going on with your Sax player.

Man: And like, who is Roman and what did he do to him and all of it.

[Cut to Treece Hinderson and Isaac Luneberi]

Treece Hinderson: You see, Isaac? Is there anything you could do to clear it up a bit?

Isaac Luneberi: I’m just here for the gig, my man.

Treece Hinderson: Fine! Look, we’re just trying to help you. I mean what happened with Roman?

[drums rolling and music playing]

[singing] Twiddle-do-tweed
twiddle-do-twad
twiddle tree top on top of the Christmas tree

[phone ringing]

[Cut to the couple]

Is that a phone that I hear ringing? We explicitly told you that your ringers should be off.

[Cut to Treece Hinderson and Isaac Luneberi. Isaac Luneberi takes his phone out.]

Isaac Luneberi: No, it’s my phone. Oh, I have to get that. My ADT security system’s calling me.

Treece Hinderson: Oh, is there a problem at your condo?

[Cut to the couple]

Woman: Oh, did Roman break in?

[Cut to Treece Hinderson]

Treece Hinderson: Oh! That’s interesting. I didn’t think of that. [asking Isaac Luneberi] Is that why they’re calling?

[Cut to Treece Hinderson and Isaac Luneberi. Isaac Luneberi is still on the phone.]

Isaac Luneberi: [talking to Treece Hinderson] Just a second. I’m talking to the police. [talking on the phone] My code is 5866.

Treece Hinderson: Where’s the damage?

Isaac Luneberi: [talking on the phone] I’m listening.

Treece Hinderson: Is it in the living area?

Isaac Luneberi: Be quiet. [talking on the phone] The guest bedroom?

[Cut to Treece Hinderson]

Treece Hinderson: Oh! No! But that’s where I am staying.

[Cut to Treece Hinderson and Isaac Luneberi]

Isaac Luneberi: [talking on the phone] Bran Sact? Are you kidding me?

Treece Hinderson: Bran Sact? Does that means that they took my red boots?

Isaac Luneberi: I’m– I’m– I’m sorry, I didn’t hear that.

Treece Hinderson: Ask them if they see some red boots.

Isaac Luneberi: [talking to Treece Hinderson] Can you just wait a second?

Treece Hinderson: Oh, that sucks. Those are my red boots. Ask them about the boots.

Isaac Luneberi: [talking to Treece Hinderson] Will you shut up?

Treece Hinderson: There were two boots. A left boot and a right boot. And both boots are red.

Isaac Luneberi: [talking on the phone] Okay. Are there any boots lying around? Yeah. [talking to Treece Hinderson] They don’t see any red boots.

[Cut to Treece Hinderson]

Treece Hinderson: Oh! Those are my mama’s boots. And they also feet me.

[drums rolling and music playing]

[singing] Twiddle-do-tweed
twiddle-do-twad
twiddle tree top on top of the Christmas tree

Hit the switch!

[The Christmas tree lights are on]

Oh! Gorgeous!

[Cut to Treece Hinderson and Isaac Luneberi]

Isaac Luneberi: Oh, my god!

Treece Hinderson: What? What is it?

Isaac Luneberi: It’s Roman. He’s standing next to the tree.

[Cut to Roman]

[Cut to Treece Hinderson and Isaac Luneberi]

Treece Hinderson: Ah! And he’s got my boots!

[Cut to Roman. He shows the red boots. It’s a ladies boots.]

Do you think that he’s come to kill us?

[Cut to Treece Hinderson and Isaac Luneberi]

Isaac Luneberi: That’s a hard maybe.

Treece Hinderson: Oh, well I hope he’s got some patience. Because we have to unplug that tree and do another shout.

[drums rolling and music playing]

[singing] Twiddle-do-tweed

[Roman is dancing like he’s marching and he’s showing the boots.]

twiddle-do-twad
twiddle tree top on top of the Christmas tree

[cheers and applause]