Tag: Open

Jeanine Pirro Cold Open

Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong

Bruce Schroeder… Mikey Day

Sandara Cummings… Chloe Fineman

Samuel Fields… Chris Redd

Kevin McCarthy… Alex Moffat

Donald Trump… James Austin Johnson

[Starts with show intro]

[Cut to Jeanine Pirro in her set.]

Jeanine Pirro: Good evening, I’m Judge Jeanine Pirro. And if anyone watching is wearing a hearing aid, sorry, you’re dead now. On top Story, Kyle Rittenhouse was acquitted of all charges. That lovable scamp was put through a nightmare of a trial just for doing the bravest thing any American can do, protecting an empty use car lot in someone else’s town. Now, on to our first guest. He’s as impartial as a dance mom clapping harder than anyone. Please welcome Judge Bruce Schroeder.

Bruce Schroeder: Thank you. Thank you. It’s a pleasure to be here with a fellow judge.

Jeanine Pirro: Oh, well, thank you for acknowledging my expertise. You may remember that I was in charge of investigating Robert Durst for murder back in 83. Wow, folks, 30 years and one additional murder later we got him. Now, if I may say judge to judge, what turned me on the most was how you ruled that courtroom with an iron fist. Tell us how you did it.

Bruce Schroeder: Well, it was all standard procedure. That’s why I ordered that the prosecution not use the word victims. They were rioters and they weren’t shocked. They were gadoinked! But that did not give my client an unfair advantage in any way.

Jeanine Pirro: You said my client. Do you mean the defendant?

Bruce Schroeder: Oh, yeah, sure. I keep doing it.

Jeanine Pirro: Well, you do you, judge. You do you. Thanks for coming. Predictably, the loony liberal outrage machines in overdrive. And you know how much we love liberal tears around here. So, I decided to invite two of them here tonight. Please welcome legal analysts for nasty NPR, Sandra Cummings, and Professor of Law at Howard University, Samuel fields. Welcome to the show.

Sandara Cummings: We were told you invited us in the interest of fairness.

Jeanine Pirro: And you fell for it. That’s our new dumb dumb. Sandra, were you surprised by yesterday’s verdict?

Sandara Cummings: Surprised that he was exonerated on all charges? That’s putting it mildly. I was shocked.

Samuel Fields: You were? Because I wasn’t.

Sandara Cummings: I’ve never seen anything like it before.

Samuel Fields: I have. Many, many times.

Sandara Cummings: I mean, this is not who we are.

Samuel Fields: I feel like it kinda is though.

Sandara Cummings: And all this does is send the message that any American can just prowl the streets with an AK-47.

Samuel Fields: Any American? I think you’re missing a keyword there.

Sandara Cummings: All we can hope for is that at this point is that this will be a call to finally change the system.

Samuel Fields: And that call will go right to voicemail and the mailbox is full.

Jeanine Pirro: Wow. Very interesting. Well, your segments’ over and my mug is empty. [the mug has ‘Liberal Tears’ written on it] So, you gotta go. Now on a more inspiring note, Kevin McCarthy rocked the house down with his awe inspiring eight hour tirade against the build back better bill, demonstrating why the filibuster is vital to our democracy. Let’s take a look at our six of his rhetorical masterpiece.

[Cut to Kevin McCarthy speaking]

Kevin McCarthy: The Democrats are trying to flip this thing around. [does the bottle flip but the bottle falls] Excuse me. Democrats trying to flip this thing around. [does the bottle flip but the bottle falls again. Excuse me. Flip it around. [does the bottle flip but the bottle falls again] Okay. I could do it before.

Jeanine Pirro: And that brave man stops the build back better bill from being passed u…ntil the next day when it passed in two minutes. Meanwhile, what was President Brandon doing? Getting socialized Buck play paid for by your tax dollars. Now Democrats are praising passed out Joe for his big deal infrastructure bill. But where’s the thanks for the real Muchacho who got this done? Please welcome [pointing at herself] this people’s sexiest man alive, President Donald J. Trump.

Donald Trump: Thank you very much, Jadice. Wonderful to be here.

Jeanine Pirro Now, I know you have a lot of thoughts on the infrastructure bill. So, if it’s okay, I’m just gonna let you riff while I sit here and get absolutely rock hard.

Donald Trump: Well, you know, I’m glad you brought up that terrible bill because the truth is nobody did more for infrastructure than me. And meople are saying…  and you know what? Meple of course are people who are me. They’re saying I built it back even… You know what? I think even a little bit better because I did wall, okay? Big, beautiful wall. It’s not just well, because when you put wall down through a grassy field, frankly, that’s road. And if you take wall and lay it across the river frankly, Jeanie, we’re doing bridge.

Jeanine Pirro: Wow. I imagining.

Donald Trump: You know what? Can I get 60 seconds on the clock, please? Because this bill is… You know what? Sleepy Joe Biden is such a disaster. We’re coming back. We’re coming back in 2024. We’re doing the reboot, okay? Everyone loves reboots. People loved it before. They’re gonna like it again. Okay. Just like iCarly. Just like iCarly. But not all reboots are good. Okay, Joe Biden tried to reboot Obama and it flopped. Okay? It flopped really bad just like the female Ghostbusters. Speaking of Girl, why did that– Why did they reboot Gossip Girl? Why the hell? You simply can’t match. You cannot match the electricity of Chuck Bass and Blair Waldorf.  You know, there were times when Blair was a bad friend to Serena and sometimes… You know what? This was true. Sometimes Serena was the bad friend of Blair.

Jeanine Pirro: [crushing over Donald Trump] Oh, oh, I hope this never ends.

Donald Trump: Alright. Can I get 60 More seconds? You know what? Why don’t we try a word search this time. Can we make it word search? I’d love it if it was word search. And you know what? I was treated very unfairly by Chris Christie. He was very nasty and he said very nasty things about me on Bill Maher. And you know what? Boy Chris? I mean, we love him. He’s a wonderful person. But you know what? We don’t like him very much. I think we hate him. And you know? Boy, Chris wasn’t even the main interview. He had to sit on the panel with all the other dogs and watch bill do the new rules. And you know what? Speaking of new rules, Dua Lipa is one of our best. Frankly, in terms of singer you can’t do better than Dua Lipa. But you know what? Her husband, who is not very attractive. You know what? It’s terrible what they’re doing with Dua Lipa’s husband not being attractive. We have to do something about it. She’s tall. She’s Albanian which is basically white. And you know who else is white? Bob the Builder. BUILD THE WALL Trump 2024.

Jeanine Pirro: Wow, we found all the words. And that’s BINGO baby. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night. ladies and gentlemen thank you very much.

 

Ted Cruz Sesame Street Cold Open

Ted Cruz… Aidy Bryant

Marjorie Taylor Greene… Cecily Strong

Big Bird… Kyle Mooney

Joe Rogan… Pete Davidson

Ernie… Mikey Day

Bert… Alex Moffat

Oscar…Chris Redd

Dracula… Aristotle Athari

Britney Spears… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with channel intro]

Male voice: You’re watching Newsmax kids. At one it’s White Power Ranger. But first, it’s Ted Cruz Street.

[Cut to Ted Cruz standing in front of a door.]

Ted Cruz: Hello. Hello, I’m Texas senator and the last one invited to Thanksgiving, Ted Cruz. You know, for Ernie0 years I stood by Sesame Street, taught our children dangerous ideas like numbers and kindness. But when Big Bird told children to get vaccinated against deadly disease, I said, “Enough!”. And I created my own Sesame Street called Cruz Street. It’s a gated community where kids are safe from the World Government. Tell them kids.

[There are three kids who are singing]

Kids: Cruzy days
sweeping the libs away
and he hopes you’ll say

that his beard looks sweet

Ted Cruz: Grab an eagle and a gun

Kids: Bring that gun to cruz street

[Marjorie Taylor Greene walks in with a rifle]

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Did someone say bring gun?

Ted Cruz: Oh. Marjorie Taylor Greene. What are you doing here?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: I’m just taking a break from releasing the phone numbers of Republicans who voted for the infrastructure bill so they and their families get death threats. And I thought I’d stop by. Here kid, you want to hold the AR-Ted CruzErnie?

Andrew: I don’t think I should.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Pussy.

Ted Cruz: And I hear you have a word from our sponsor.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: That’s right. Today’s episode is brought to you by Q. Not the letter, the man. He will tell us when JFK Jr. who is alive will reveal himself and help President Trump reclaim his rightful throne.

Ted Cruz: Everything about that sounds right. Thanks, Marjorie.

Marjorie Taylor Greene:  I represent America.

Ted Cruz: Now, as you know, I was mocked for attacking Big Bird on Twitter, simply because I’m a human senator and he is an eight foot tall fictional bird. But let’s see what happened to Big Bird after he got the vaccine.

[Big Bird walks in. It’s a guy wearing yellow bird costume]

Big Bird: Oh, man. I don’t feel too good.

Ted Cruz: Wow. So this is what happened to you a week after you got the vaccine?

Big Bird: It sure is. My feathers fell out. My nuts got huge. And my joints don’t work. It’s real bad man.

Ted Cruz: Well, don’t worry. I read online that you can take a bath in Borax, and that will cleanse you have any nanotechnology?

Andrew: You’re sure, Senator Cruz? That sounds kind of dumb.

Ted Cruz: No. You’re dumb. Borax is cool.

Big Bird: Maybe the vaccine gave me COVID.

Ted Cruz: Yes, yes, that sounds correct. Let’s ask our resident medical expert, Joe Rogan.

[Joe Rogan walks in eating chips]

Joe Rogan: Yes, that’s right. I used to host Fear Factor and now doctors fear me.

Big Bird: Can you help me, Joe?

Joe Rogan: Oh, sure thing Big Bird. You see, I took Carlos Mencia down. I can take COVID. Here some zinc, and ayahuasca and some horse medicine.

Big Bird: But why would a bird take horse medicine?

Joe Rogan: I’m a human and I took horse medicine. And I’m speaking of things that are a horse like. Today’s two sponsors are the letters S and D as in I can S my own D.

Bowen: Oh my god. Isn’t this for kids?

Andrew: No one under 65 watches.

Melissa: I’m almost 30.

Ted Cruz: Thanks, Joe Rogan. But S and D aren’t the only letters we’re talking about today. There’s also three terrible letters C, R and T. Critical Race Theory. And I think it stands for Caucasian Rights Trampled. That’s why the proud boys have been invading school board meetings to keep CRT out of our classrooms. Please welcome to have the proud boys, Bert and Ernie.

[Ernie and Bert walk in]

Ernie: Hi. Hi, Ted.

Bert: And yeah, we are out and proud.

Ted Cruz: That’s right. They are out there every day proudly fighting the progressive agenda.

Ernie: Our relationship has progressed a bit.

Bert: We got engaged. [showing their rings] Ha-ha-ha.

Ted Cruz: Engaged in a battle against the tyranny of wokers.

Ernie: Hey, Bert, let’s go take a bath.

[Ernie and Bert leave]

Ted Cruz: Their girlfriends are very lucky. Now another danger facing our country is the Democrats new social safety net bill.

[Oscar comes out of trash can. He’s wearing Grinch costume.]

Oscar: Did somebody say free money?

Ted Cruz: Uh-oh, it’s been Nemesis Oscar the slouch. He’s been trained by the Democrats to suck up the the government.

Oscar: That’s right. Papa Joe Biden gave me so many STEMIs, I decided to quit working and live in this trash can. Now you all work hard and Biden gives me your money.

Ted Cruz: Wow. And you have no shame about that?

Oscar: Um-um. I’m proud of it. I’m a ward of the state. I use your tax money on drugs and pornography.

Ted Cruz: At least he admitted it. All Democrats are him. Let’s take a quick break. And when we return we’ll find out how Trump definitely won the election with the recount count.

[ A guys walks in Dracula custume.]

Dracula: I’m moving to Arizona.

Ted Cruz: And don’t miss our Word of the day, Freedom, with Miss Britney Spears.

[Britney Spears walks in dancing]

Britney Spears: Oh my god, you guys. We did it.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Aaron Rodgers Trump Cold Open

Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong

Aaron Rodgers… Pete Davidson

Glenn Youngkin… Alex Moffat

Helen Stevens… Heidi Gardner

Donald Trump… James Austin Johnson

[Starts with show intro]

[Cut to Jeanine Pirro in her set]

Jeanine Pirro: Good evening. I’m Jeanine Pirro and you’re watching Justice Judge with Judge Justicic Judge. Tonight’s top story, is the president dead? Politically, yes. Otherwise, I’m told he’s fine. But first, the vaccine gets stop polls at it again. Men jetting their sticking nickies on Fauci ouchies, until all of us yell “Hail Biden”. And join there’s zombie army of the vaxxed. Our first guest is an American brave enough to stand up and say, “Screw you, science, I know Joe Rogan!” Please welcome, NFL MVP, Aaron Rodgers.

Aaron Rodgers: Hello. Hey, Jeanine. It’s great to be here. Remember when I hosted Jeopardy?

Jeanine Pirro: Now Aaron, you’re not vaccinated. So what? Who the hell cares? Your body, your choice. And please, never use that quote for any other issues.

Aaron Rodgers: Exactly, Jeanine. It’s my body and my covid. I can give it to whoever I want. But suddenly the woke mob is coming after me. It’s gotten so bad that state farm called and they’re not offering me the Rogers spray.

Jeanine Pirro: And straight talk, Aaron, because I never talk gay. Did you ever lie about being vaccinated?

Aaron Rodgers: I never lied. I took all my teammates into a huddle, got all their faces three inches away from my wet mouth and told them, “Trust me. I’m more or less immunized.” Go team.

Jeanine Pirro: And you said you didn’t get the vaccine because it might make you sterile, which is so insane, I’m jealous I didn’t say it.

Aaron Rodgers: Ay, look, people can talk all they want. But at the end of the day, my record is still 7-1. Meaning of the eight people I’ve infected, seven are fine.

Jeanine Pirro: Wow. Call this guy the bottom of the snapple cap because he got vaxxed. Thank you, Aaron. My next guest, turned Virginia as red as my face, gets when I talk about nearly any subject, please welcome governor elect Glenn Youngkin.

Glenn Youngkin: Judge Jeanine, thank you for having me. My win in Virginia proves that people are deeply concerned about education.

Jeanine Pirro: And who are most of your voters?

Glenn Youngkin: People who didn’t go to college.

Jeanine Pirro: Excellent. Now, critical race theory is something that you talked about a lot. What is critical race theory?

Glenn Youngkin: Simple. It’s what got me elected.

Jeanine Pirro: Right. But what is it?

Glenn Youngkin: It’s not important. What’s important is parents. Everyone knows they should run schools. That’s why I invited the leader of my parental task force to share her recommendations on dangerous material that should be banned.

Helen Stevens: Hello, Judge Jeanine. I’m a huge fan of your Judging and your talking.

Jeanine Pirro: Oh, I like this one already. Helen, what are your feelings on education?

Helen Stevens: When my son brought home the book “Beloved” by Tony Morrison, I put down my copy of “50 shades” and said, “No!” A woman named Tony? Not my America. So, a group of parents and I put together our list of books that should never be allowed in the classroom. “Holes” sounds sexual. “Pride and Prejudice”. Prejudice is fine. But Pride is a term that has been coopted by the gays for some sort of Lady Gaga themed nudity parade. “Invisible man”. What’s he doing? Where is he? Cane you see me in my home? Or what I google? “The Great Gatsby”. Too much jazz. “Moby Dick”. That one’s toss-up. Title is dirty. Love that the whale is white.

Jeanine Pirro: Get him to sea world stat.

Glenn Youngkin: Yeah. See, I’m so grateful that parents like Helen who helped me win in Virginia without the help of Donald Trump.

Jeanine Pirro: Well, funny you should mention it. Because he’s been watching and he just asked us to join us. Former and basically current president of the United States, Donald Trump.

Donald Trump: Thank you. Thank you so much. Yes. I just wanted to congratulate Glenn Youngkin and mostly myself on our tremendous victory at Virginia. You know what? We did it together.

Glenn Youngkin: Oh, you don’t have to say that.

Jeanine Pirro: Mr. President, what an unexpected and frankly horny surprise. Oh mama.

Donald Trump: Oh, it’s great to be here. It’s great to be here judge Judy and it’s great to be frankly winning again. We love to win it. You know what? You’ll get to see a lot more winning where that came from. Let me tell you. You’re gonna see it a lot.

Glenn Youngkin: Oh, you’re gonna take me off the split screen.

Donald Trump: No, we do this together, Glenn. We did it so good, okay? I really want you to stay.

Glenn Youngkin: Really, that’s okay.

Donald Trump: Excuse me. Glenn, excuse me. Excuse me. Everybody comes to listen it. You know what? Like you just saw it, I listened, okay? I mean, when you look at it, he’s someone that takes advice so well. I mean, you now what? Can I get 60 seconds on the clock please? Because theres a lot of times when I was giving advice. Lot of times, I was giving advice and people weren’t listening and it didn’t work out so great for some of those people. I mean, when you look back with StarWars, I said, “You ned to do it with swords. The lasers are not enough. You got enough real swords, George.” I remember talking. I said this to George. I said, “If you’re gonna do StarWars, okay, you have to have real swords.” And look at what they’re doing with Dune. Look at what they’re doing with Dune. I talked to Denis Villeneuve. I said– You know what? Look at the success of Dune. Look at Chalamet, okay? Real swords. Frankly with Dune, you got Momoa and everyone’s doing flips and it’s very “Game of Thrones”. And people were very disappointed with “Game of Thrones”, you know, how it ended and everything. But with Dune, I think you got a lot of possibility with Dune. I see a lot of possibility. Two, three, four, 15 movies. And frankly, I see a lot of possibility with Virginia.

Jeanine Pirro: God, you are impressive. How do you keep that all in your brain?

Donald Trump: Well, I had my ears sealed, so nothing comes in or out.

Jeanine Pirro: And now, Mr. President, you never actually campaigned with Glenn Youngkin, did you?

Donald Trump: Well, no. I never did– Glenn. Glenn! Glenn! Don’t you dare. Don’t go anywhere. Don’t you dare, Glenn. You need to hear this. You know, I was never there there with Glenn. You know, there there. I was never there there. But I told lots of people they should vote for Glenn, okay? And you know what? Most people don’t like Glenn. But he’s a wonderful guy, okay? Most people don’t like him but he’s a wonderful guy. Okay? Tall, rich, like my sons. Glenn, you’re like my son.

Glenn Youngkin: Please don’t say that.

Donald Trump: Well, you know what? Glen is a wonderful guy but these PC folks, oh my god. They don’t like him. They don’t like him at all. You know what? Can I get 60 more seconds please? These PC folks, they don’t like everything. These PC folks you can’t please them at all. They don’t even like Chris Pratt as Mario. And you know what? I’m very close with Mario, very close with Luigi. Our wives play golf together. They play Mario golf together. And peach is a very close friend of mine. Peach is added on but Peach is so great. And with the Toads by the way, I do great with the Toads. I do great. You know, the mushroom people? The Toad people? A lot of em’ came out in the last election. And the Toads love Chris Pratt. Toads love Chris Pratt. And his Mario is gonna do a lot better than that awful Eternals movie. I tell you that, it’s a lot better than Eternals. You know what? With Eternals, it was too diverse. It was too diverse and no one wants to see that. The movie is rotten. Just ask the tomatoes. Just ask the tomatoes, it’s rotten. And you can’t even get tomatoes anymore because of this awful shipping nightmare that we’ve got with slow Joe Biden. And you know what? This is true. Glenn, excuse me. Glenn, excuse me. This is true. You know what? Guy came up to me the other day. Big guy, bigger than anything. Tears in his eyes, and he says, “Sir, many name is Santa Claus and Christmas is cancelled. Christmas is cancelled, sir.” And I said, “We’re not gonna let that happen, Santa.” And that’s why I asked him to give Virginia to Glenn Youngkin. I asked him to do that. We did it. We did it together because it’s a great country. Santa did it because he loves America, and he loves Trump. Right Glenn?

Jeanine Pirro: Wow, Mr. President. You’re a genius, a patriot, one handsome mountain of a man. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Ghost of Biden Past Cold Open

Joe Biden… James Austin Johnson

Jin Psaki… Chloe Fineman

Past Joe Biden… Jason Sudeikis

Recent Joe Biden… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Joe Biden in his office]

Joe Biden: Send in my Press Secretary Jin  Psaki.

[Jin Psaki walks in]

Jin Psaki: You wanted to see me, sir?

Joe Biden: Jin, I gotta tell you, you were dynamite in those press briefings with your quips and your one liners. What do you call those little zingers?

Jin Psaki: Um, facts. Though I believe the internet calls them Psaki Bombs.

Joe Biden: Yeah. Love that. Lay some of those facts on me.

Jin Psaki: Okay. Your CNN Tom Hall was watched by no one. And your approval rating is in the dumpster.

Joe Biden: Oh. Ice cold Psaki bomb. But ay, things are gonna turn around, right?

Jin Psaki: I’m bad at lying, so I’m gonna leave.

[Jin Psaki walks out]

Joe Biden: I don’t understand. People used to like me. The press would call me uncle Joe. I miss the old me. Where the hell did that guy go?

[Past Joe Biden walks in]

Past Joe Biden: Hey, yo! [cheers and applause] Yeah! Trick or treat, smell my feet. Nah, I’m just joking. How the hell are you, buddy?

Joe Biden: Wait a second. Who are you?

Past Joe Biden: Who am I? What do you mean? I’m you! I’m you from eight years ago, man. The ghost. The Biden past. Boo!

Joe Biden: How can you be me? You seem so happy. So carefree. So– What’s the word I’m looking for?

Past Joe Biden: Lucid?

Joe Biden: Yeah.

Past Joe Biden: Yeah, partner. Well, where I’m from, we’re still VP. Easiest gig in the world. We’re like, America’s wacky neighbor. Just pop in with an ice cream cone, some aviator shades and finger guns. Shake a few hands, rub a few shoulders.

Joe Biden: You know, well, you can’t do that anymore.

Past Joe Biden: What? Which one? Rubbing shoulders or shaking hands?

Joe Biden: Apparently both.

Past Joe Biden: Ah! Come on, man! Loosen up, buddy. Come on. [massaging Joe Biden’s shoulders] What happened to us, huh? We used to be fun, right? Hey, let me get it with. [smells Joe Biden’s ears and grunts] Yeah, that’s good. Yeah, I like that. Do you like that?

Joe Biden: Yeah, I do.

Past Joe Biden: Hey! I hope this doesn’t sound sexist, but you gotta smile more sweetie. Okay?

Joe Biden: It’s hard to smile. The last president ruined everything.

Past Joe Biden: Oh yeah?

Joe Biden: He hung out with pornstars, served McDonald’s to the White House, got into fight with the pope.

Past Joe Biden: Wow! Hillary got awesome.

Joe Biden: Actually–

Past Joe Biden: What?

Joe Biden: Well, never mind.

Past Joe Biden: Okay. Alright.

Joe Biden: Look. I could really use your advice. I’m trying to pass this infrastructure bill but it’s being held up by these two senators. Joe Mansion.

Past Joe Biden: Ah, screw Joe Mansion. The only mansion I care about is the Playboy mansion. Yeah! Whoo! That’s classic 2k13 Biden right there, baby.

Joe Biden: Even worse than him, senator Kyrsten Sinema.

Past Joe Biden: Wait. Senator Sinema? That sounds like a StarWars character. That’s a real person?

[Recent Joe Biden walks in]

Recent Joe Biden: Hey! [cheers and applause] How’s days, fellas? Just checking in.

Past Joe Biden: Who the hell are you?

Recent Joe Biden: I’m Joe Biden.

Past Joe Biden: From when?

Recent Joe Biden: March 2021. You guys good? Need anything?

Joe Biden: Um, we’re okay.

Past Joe Biden: Yeah, we’re good, man.

Recent Joe Biden: Alright. Rock on.

Past Joe Biden: Yeah. Alright.

[Recent Joe Biden walks out]

Joe Biden: Good looking guy.

Past Joe Biden: Yeah. Oh, no, handsome as hell. Yeah. You know, I should probably just mosey on back to 2013. I actually got tickets to a PSY concert. Oppa Gangnam Style! That song’s still popular, right?

Joe Biden: Come on, don’t leave.

Past Joe Biden: What?

Joe Biden: I can’t do this without you.

Past Joe Biden: Yeah, of course you can. Because guess what, buddy. You are me. And I want you to stand tall. I want you to flash those 100% natural choppers we got. And remember, we my be from different eras. But at the end of the day, we’re both…

Joe Biden and Past Joe Biden: Joe freaking Biden! And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Football Press Conference Cold Open

PR… Cecily Strong

Roger Goodell… Colin Jost

Jon Gruden… James Austin Johnson

Mark Davis… Alex Moffat

Larry Rucker… Pete Davidson

Equipment Manager… Andrew Dismukes

Cheerleader… Heidi Gardner

Giuseppe… Kyle Mooney

Colin Kaepernick… Chris Redd

Lavar Burton… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with NFL show intro]

Male voice: And now, a message from the National Football League.

[Cut to PR at the podium of press conference.]

[cheers and applause]

PR: Good evening. Good evening. I am ‘prefers to remain anonymous’ and I handle public relations for the NFL. So, if anyone wants to switch jobs, let me know. Now, I’d like to bring up the commissioner to address this week’s scandal. This is not the NFL draft but it’s still okay to boo him. Roger Goodell.

[Roger Goodell walks in]

[Audience booing]

Roger Goodell: You don’t really have to boo. Good evening. Hi, I’m Roger Goodell and when you see me on TV, it’s never good. This time, one of our coaches is accused of racism, misogyny and homophobia. But hey, at least no one’s talking about concussions. I think we can all agree emails sent by the Raiders’ coach Jon Gruden were horrifying and deeply offensive, specially to me. I was referred to as the F word, the P word, the C word, the R word, the F’ing R word, and the F’ing R word P word. And once weirdly I was called a DILF. That was kind of sweet. But I assure you all 32 teams in our league understand that diversity is our strength. And I know our black coaches would agree. Both of them. Now coach Gruden has asked to say a few words. I said, “Bad idea.”  But he got on his knees and begged and you know how much I hate seeing someone kneel. So, let’s hear it one more time for coach Gruden.

[Jon Gruden walks in]

Jon Gruden: Thank you, Roger. And I’m sorry to all the Raiders fans out there. I hope you won’t judge me on one email I sent 10 years ago, or the 20 emails I sent last Tuesday. But I promise I don’t have a racist bone in my body. When I called an African American player ‘darker than a night with no stars’, that wasn’t racial. I was referring to sense of humor which is extremely dark and edgy. Like that show ‘Louie’ on FX. Hey, when’s the next season coming out? Also called the commissioner gay F word like a hundred times. Yes.

Now, this sounds like a stretch, but if you’ve ever got burned by auto correct. Hear me out. So, I’m a bit of a naval buff and I often send my friends emails about frigates, which are warships. I’ll say, “Look at that flaming frigate!” That’s when a warship’s on fire. Or, “That dumb ass frigate can S my D.” That’s about a warship performing oral sex on another warship. You get it! My point is I never meant to hurt anyone. I meant to hurt them secretly behind their backs. But appearances matter. So, I’ll turn it over to a guy who’s all about appearances, Las Vegas Raiders owner, Mark Davis.

[Mark Davis walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Mark Davis: Hi, folks. Mark Davis here. Or as my players call me, the botched circumcision. Okay. Look, guys, what coach Gruden did was disgraceful. But we need to do better. Okay? we need to as I always tell my barber, air higher! [pointing at his haircut] And trust me, I’ve heard all the jokes about my hair and how it looks like Donald Trump’s haircut gave me a haircut. But we’re making this right and moving on. So, I’m gonna turn it over to our new head coach, Larry ‘don’t make me do this’ Rucker.

[Larry Rucker walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Larry Rucker: Hey, guys. Thank you. It is an honor to take over this storied franchise and a real shame that I have to immediately resign. They just found my emails too. And they are so much worse than the old coaches. I put the F word in the subject line. I started an email chain called, “Hey, let’s rank the racists.” And I responded to all of coach Gruden’s emails, “LOL, this is so true and funny! You the man, Gruden!”

Anyway, thank you and I look forward to joining ESPN in three months.

[Equipment Manager walks in]

Equipment Manager: Okay. Hi. Hi, everyone. I was the equipment manager five minutes ago, then someone just pushed me on stage and whispered, “You the coach now.” So, let me say this. Las Vegas will not tolerate misogyny of any kind. Never has, never will. I will vouch for the entire city on that. Also, I’m resigning immediately. I see reporters digging through my old tweets and that will not end well for me. I never should have dressed up as Jackie Chan for Halloween, but 2019 was a different era. Thank you and I’ll throw it over to the new chairman of Women’s Relations for the NFL, a cheerleader for the Washington football team.

[Cheerleader walks in]

Cheerleader: Whoo! Thank you. Thank you. I just like my team don’t have a name. And I just want to say the emails Jon Gruden sent to our organization do not reflect the values of our team. A team that until a year ago was called the Red Skins. I also wanna say to women who fell offended by the emails, lighten up! They’re funny! You guys, it was a meme of the first female referee and she was thinking, “Wait a minute, this isn’t my kitchen!” That was funny! Just laugh!

And now, to smooth everything over, I’d like to introduce out new mascot. We’ve made a lot of progress because now, we’re using white stereotypes. Please welcome Giuseppe, the stinky Italian.

[Giuseppe walks in with his mascot costume on]

Giuseppe: Ay! [speaks loudly in English with Italian accent] That’s right. We Italians make our meatballs and do the pizza. [being emotional] I am so sorry. This don’t feel right.

[Giuseppe walks out]

[Colin Kaepernick walks in]

Colin Kaepernick: Speaking of not right, hah! I’m Colin Kaepernick. [cheers and applause] Well, so much stuff coming out about the NFL is maybe racist kind of. Hah! I wonder if anyone tried to warn people about this before! I’m scratching my head trying to remember who said that. Scratch, scratch! It’s almost like that’s the reason they banned me from the league.

[Mark Davis walks in]

Mark Davis: Ha-ha. I don’t know. Maybe it was just your weird haircut. [Colin Kaepernick looks at Mark Davis in anger.] But good news, I think we may have found a solution that makes everyone happy. Someone even Twitter can get behind. Introducing our new head coach, Lavar Burton.

[Lavar Burton walks in]

Lavar Burton: Alright. Thank you very much. Alright. Suck on that, Mayim Bialik. I am the supreme football host now. I’ll take offense for 300. What is a handoff? I’m genuinely asking. I’m a theater kid, you know.

Mark Davis: Ha-ha-ha. This guy. So yes, NFL is gonna be just fine. Take us out, Levar.

[music playing]

Lavar Burton: [singing] Field goal in the sky, 
I am the head coach guy
Just take a look
in the play book
we’re playing football

Mark Davis: We’re playing football

Colin Kaepernick: They’re not playing football

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Facebook Hearings Cold Open

Mr. Blumenthal… Mikey Day

Frances Haugen… Heidi Gardner

Dianne Feinstein… Cecily Strong

John Kennedy… Kyle Mooney

Ted Cruz… Aidy Bryant

Lindsey Graham… James Austin Johnson

Cory Booker… Chris Redd

Mark Zuckerberg… Alex Moffat

Tom… Pete Davidson

[Starts with channel show schedule]

Male voice: You’re watching C-SPAN on the Saturday night. Wow. We now return to coverage of the Facebook Hearings In Congress.

[Cut to the hearing]

[cheers and applause]

Mr. Blumenthal: Once again, I would like to thank the Facebook whistleblower for coming forward.

Frances Haugen: Thank you. It’s nice to be in an office with no skateboards.

Mr. Blumenthal: Now, my colleagues are eager to ask you questions about the inner workings of Facebook and Instagram. The chair recognizes senator Feinstein of California.

Dianne Feinstein: Ms. Haugen, I applaud your testimony here today. What Facebook has done is disgraceful and you better believe congress will be taking action… right after we pass the infrastructure bill, raise the debt ceiling, prosecute those responsible for the January 6th insurrection and stop Trump from using executive privilege even though he’s no longer president. After all that, you watch out Facebook!

Frances Haugen: Well, as a former Facebook engineer, I’m here today because I have seen first hand how Facebook products harm children, stoke division and weaken our democracy.

Dianne Feinstein: I appreciate that. My question is I have 2000 friends on Facebook. Is that good?

Frances Haugen: Is it good?

Dianne Feinstein: Like, is that a lot? 2000 sounds like a lot. How many does Drake have? 4000?

Frances Haugen: I think he has like, 50 million.

Dianne Feinstein: Oh my god. No wonder he never answered my poke.

Mr. Blumenthal: Thank you, senator Feinstein. The chair recognizes senator Kennedy of Louisiana.

John Kennedy: Ms. Haugen, you’ve told us a lot of disturbing information about this so called ‘Algorithm’. I just wanna clear up a few points. Where is it?

Frances Haugen: The algorithm?

John Kennedy: Yes. Do you have it with you now?

Frances Haugen: No. But there are algorithms in all our phones and computers.

John Kennedy: Not mine. I got a JitterBug flip phone. Only lets me call my son or the hospital. Now, exactly how big is this algorithm? Stop me when I get there. [John Kennedy shows a gap between his two palms to show the size of algorithm.]

Frances Haugen: Please stop.

John Kennedy: Woo-whii! That’s pretty big. No further questions.

Mr. Blumenthal: Senator Cruz from Texas.

Ted Cruz: Yes. I was particularly drawn to your testimony about bullying online, how some teenagers and even some adult man are bullied almost constantly.

Frances Haugen: It’s very disturbing.

Ted Cruz: So, I’m wondering how do you turn off that feature on Facebook where everyone comments on all your posts and says you’re bad and they hate you.

Frances Haugen: Well, there’s an option to turn off comments.

Ted Cruz: [taking notes] Okay. Excellent. Now, I’m also concerned about the toxic extremist groups you mentioned. I’ve seen groups with hateful names like “Ted Cruz sucks” or “Ted Cruz is the real zodiac killer” or “How Ted Cruz have kids when he a virgin”. Now, shouldn’t you flag those as misinformation?

Frances Haugen: “Ted Cruz sucks” isn’t really misinformation. It’s just one person’s opinion.

Ted Cruz: Well, that’s more than one person’s opinion.

Mr. Blumenthal: Thank you. The chair recognizes senator Lindsey Graham of South Carolina.

Lindsey Graham: Thank you, Ms. Haugen. I believe that Instagram is toxic to the body image to the impressionable young Americans, specifically me. I see all these beefy guys on my discover page and I’m lifting and I’m sweating and nothing’s popping. No biceps, no triceps, no delts. I’m trying to get swole for Comic-Con but it is so hard to cosplay as a boy when you don’t have the V. Everyone knows you need the V.

Frances Haugen: I’m sorry. Is there a question?

Lindsey Graham: I’m just saying these young girls are trying to get a face that don’t even exist. They want the fox eye, the high cheek, Emily Ratajkowski brow, they’re doing botox, Juvéderm, Kybella, Restylane, and I’m like, “Girl, that ain’t a face. That’s a filter.” I’m sorry, I’m bad.

Mr. Blumenthal: [clears his throat] I’m just gonna move on. Senator Cory Booker.

Cory Booker: Thank you, Ms. Haugen. I was particularly disturbed by your testimony about how Facebook choose profits over the well being of our children. Rosario and I were discussing this very issue just the other day. Rosario Dawson.

Frances Haugen: Right.

Cory Booker: Yeah, she and I are… um… dating.

Frances Haugen: That’s great.

Cory Booker: So, my question is, does that make sense? Right? Like, when I stand next to her in a photo, that looks regular?

Oh, I don’t feel comfortable answering that.

Lindsey Graham: Ms. Haugen. I have another question. It’s been burning a back hole in my pocket. When you open an incognito window on, does that prevent god from seeing what you’re googling?

Frances Haugen: You know, that sounds like maybe a question for the bible.

Lindsey Graham: And I will ask the bible. Thank you, Ms. Haugen.

Mr. Blumenthal: Senator Kennedy, you have a follow up?

John Kennedy: Yeah. Uh, Ms. Haugen, could you explain how this photo showed up in my feed?

[There’s a picture of a group of people cosplaying different characters]

Frances Haugen: What is that?

John Kennedy: That’s what I’d like to know. It looks like the cast from the live action version of Space Jam is taking a selfie?

Ted Cruz: Now, is that pornographic?

John Kennedy: Not yet. But it feels like it’s heading there?

Dianne Feinstein: I had one in my feed as well. What is this?

[There’s a picture of a girl turning into a mouse]

Is Facebook pressuring teens to do this? To slowly morph into mice? Is this the Stewart Little challenge?

Frances Haugen: No. I think that’s an image from an old book series called Animorphs.

Lindsey Graham: Oh my god. That looks like something I found on the dark web.

Ted Cruz: Oh, that reminds me, is the dark web the same as black Twitter?

Frances Haugen: Oh my god!

Lindsey Graham: Let’s try to keep these questions pertinent. Now, what about Squid Game? What is that?

Dianne Feinstein: Oh. America is in a lot of debt right now. Should we do a Squid Game?

Ted Cruz: You know, I was put in a Squid Game recently and they made me the guy from Spongebob. “When Texas is freezing and you in Mexico.”

John Kennedy: I gotta ask about this one too. [There’s a meme that looks like a fruit is high] “When the edible kicks in and you da substitute.”

Ted Cruz: Is that what the kids are calling a may-may (meme).

Cory Booker: There’s this one too. [There’s a meme that shows a cartoon wearing turban and a cartoon with hair loss.] “How it started and how it’s going.” Is this making teens feel bad about their hair loss?

Frances Haugen: Guys, you don’t have to do this.

Dianne Feinstein: Okay, one more. [There’s a meme with two guys smiling] “When you meet bitches that like vegetables.” Because that came up when I searched for “Tom Brady old face”.

Mr. Blumenthal: Guys, order. Please. Stop showing Ms. Haugen memes you found online.

Ted Cruz: It’s may-may (meme).

Mr. Blumenthal: Let’s adjourn for lunch. But first I’m told we have a video response coming in from the Founder of a very important social media site.

[Cut to Mark Zuckerberg at his home]

Mark Zuckerberg: Hi everyone.

Mr. Blumenthal: No! No! We don’t need any more from that guy. I mean, let’s go to the OG social media king.

[Cut to Tom from MySpace.]

Tom: Oh, hey. I’m Tom from MySpace. Remember me? I was harmless. I’m not doing any of that weird algorithm stuff. We barely maintained the website. So, come on by. Check out your friend’s band from 20 years ago and let’s make America top eight again. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Biden Unites Democrats Cold Open

Joe Biden… James Austin Johnson

Kyrsten Sinema… Cecily Strong

Joe Manchin… Aidy Bryant

Ilhan Omar… Ego Nwodim

Alexandria… Melissa Villaseñor.

Andrew Cuomo… Pete Davidson

Chuck Schumer… Alex Moffat

Male voice: And now, a message from the president of the United States, Joseph R. Biden.

[Cut to Joe Biden speaking on a podium]

[cheers and applause]

Joe Biden: Hello. Good evening. Fellow Americans, how’s everybody doing? What’s cooking? What’s good? How are you doing? How was everybody’s summer? Mine was bad. Not Cuomo bad but definitely not Afghanistan good. Everyone keeps harassing me about that drone strike. But on the bright side, I went the entire summer without falling down the stairs once. It’s pretty darn good. And hey, Broadway’s back. That’s exciting, right? [cheers and applause] So was the Taliban. So, I win some, lose some.

Unlike our last president, I try staying out of the limelight. I’m like an oil change, you don’t think about me unless you absolutely have to.

Right now, America needs me. Democrats need me. Got a major of structure bell on a historic socio gen, it had to get past. So now, I’m bringing together the democrats like Voltron so they’re all different colors but fundamentally, the robots. On one side, we have the moderate democrats, Kyrsten Sinema from Arizona.

[Cut to Kyrsten Sinema standing beside Joe Biden]

Kyrsten Sinema: What do I want from this bill? I’ll never tell. Because I didn’t come to congress to make friends. And so far, mission accomplished.

Joe Biden: Is it just me or does she look like all the characters from Scooby Doo at the same time? And another pain in my keister the de facto president of the United States, Joe Manchin from West Virginia.

[Cut to Joe Manchin standing beside Kyrsten Sinema]

Joe Manchin: Yeah, that’s right. I’m a democrat from West Virginia. If I vote for electric cars, they’re gonna kill me.

Joe Biden: On the other side, we have two members of progressive caucus, Ilhan Omar from Minessota

[Cut to Ilhan Omar]

Ilhan Omar: Thank you Joe for not calling me Kamala. For those of you who don’t know me, I was designed in a lab to give Tucker Carlson a heart attack.

Joe Biden: And finally, Alexandria– I’m not going to try to say the whole name. A.O.C. from Nueva York.

[Cut to Alexandria waving her hands]

[cheers and applause]

Alexandria: Yes, it’s me, the Cruella of the MET Gala. I wore a dress that said “Tax the rich”, then spent all night partying with the rich. Oops!

Joe Biden: Let’s go through this agenda together because we’re going to realize, “Hey, we’re all on the same page. We’re all singing the same damn thing.”

Alexandria: That’s right. I’m saying we need at least 300 billion in clean energy tax credits.

Joe Manchin: And I’m saying 0.

Joe Biden: See? Same page. There’s a lot of good stuff in this bill like Joe BidenKyrsten Sinema weeks of paid family leave.

Kyrsten Sinema: Six days!

Joe Biden: Six whole days of paid–

Joe Manchin: Well, unpaid.

Joe Biden: Unpaid six whole days–

Kyrsten Sinema: Night.

Joe Biden: Six nights of unpaid family half leave. That’s not a bad compromise, right? And what do you want in return?

Alexandria: What about a child tax credit?

Joe Biden: Great idea! We always said, children shouldn’t pay taxes. It’s a lot of math.

Joe Manchin: But if we give children too much leeway, how are they gonna get them to work in the minds, you know? We need their tiny hands to dig. All the big pieces of coal are gone. We need the little kid fingers to gather the little pieces.

Joe Biden: Okay. Let’s get a little basic. Roads. Everyone okay with roads?

Alexandria: I like roads.

Joe Manchin: Me too. Roads are where trucks live.

Joe Biden: Kyrsten?

Kyrsten Sinema: I want no roads.

Joe Biden: No roads? Why?

Kyrsten Sinema: Chaos!

Joe Biden: Alright! What about water? We’re allotting. Let’s see. 65 billion for water. Wow, that’s a lot of water. Does it come with the mermaid? Just kidding.

[Joe Biden pokes Ilhan Omar with his ankle to let her know of is joke]

Ilhan Omar: No. It was good.

Joe Biden: Yeah. What do you say, Joe? You good with water?

Joe Manchin: I don’t like that taste.

Joe Biden: Fine. Let’s focus on the two things that poll best with all Americans – lowering the price of prescription drugs–

Kyrsten Sinema: No!

Joe Biden: And raising taxes on billionaires.

[Kyrsten Sinema shows her thumbs down on the idea]

Alright then, just tell us Kyrsten. What do you like? What’s good to you?

Kyrsten Sinema: Yellow starbursts, the film “The Polar Express”, and when someone eats fish on an airplane.

Alexandria: But can’t we compromise on anything? Isn’t something better than nothing?

Kyrsten Sinema: Look. As a wine drinking bisexual triathlete, I know what the average American wants. They want to be put on hold when they call 9Joe BidenJoe Biden. They want bridges that just stop, car falls down. They want water so thick, you can eat it with a fork. And I will fight for that no matter what, unless my foot hurts, then I’ll go back to Arizona.

Joe Biden: Fine! Fine! Then we’re gonna talk about one last item on the agenda. Most important one. Trains!

Ilhan Omar: Oh god, again?

Joe Biden: Come on! Don’t take dreams away from me! We need to remind people of the grandeur of American rail travel. The quiet car. The seats are faced backwards. The sliding bathroom doors that don’t quite lock. You open it up, catch a glimpse of an old man on a toilet. The full bottle of gatorade rolling around on the floor of the train. It goes that way, it goes back. Without trains, no American.

Ilhan Omar: I can’t believe I’m saying this to my white boss, it’s gonna be okay.

[Andrew Cuomo walks in]

Andrew Cuomo: It’s gonna be more than okay. Take it from me, governor-ish Andrew Cuomo. Us democrats have had each other’s backs no matter what. We’re like one big Italian family. And you know what Italians like to do? Hug and kiss and run their fingers up each other’s backs. So, let’s all come together– Oh, bad choice of words there. And get this bill pass today. Just like me, it deserves a second chance. And a third chance. And up to at least Joe BidenJoe Biden chances. Oh, and I want to plug my new book. My first one was called “Lessons and Leadership”. And my new one is called “Whoops!”

[Chuck Schumer walks in]

Chuck Schumer: And I’m here to promote my new book, “Sandwiches I have liked and tried”. Hello, I’m Chuck Schumer. You may remember me, but you don’t. I hope you’ve enjoyed our little rap session. Next time you get an email from the democratic party with a scary desperate subject line like “It’s all over, Jennifer. Democracy is dead unless you donate $Chuck Schumer now!”, don’t panic too much. Us democrats are all in this together.

Joe Biden: Hey, we sure are. Because fundamentally, we’re all the same.

Andrew Cuomo: Screw!

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Season 46 Finale Cold Open

[Starts with show intro]

Female voice: And now, what I remember about this year.

[Cut to Aidy, Kate, Cecily and Kenan on SNL stage]

[cheers and applause]

[music playing]

Aidy: This year was crazy.

Kate: It was very crazy.

Cecily: It was so crazy, it made a lost of us crazy.

Kenan: Yeah, it was actually a pretty fun year for me. But I’ve discovered people don’t love hearing that. So, I’m just going to say, yeah, it was crazy.

Bown: We went from doing very weird shows at home to terrifying shows in person.

Ego: Everyone else was fleeing New York but Lorne was like, “We should go back for comedy.”

Heidi: Yeah, it was a perfect environment for laughs. This was what rehearsals looked like. [Cut to picture of cast members rehearsing with their masks on.]

Bowen: And this is what the writer’s room looked like.

[Cut to a picture of old military wearing smoke masks carrying guns.]

Kate: I remember there were so many covid precautions that if I wanted to hug anyone, I had to pull them into a closet and do it in the dark away from the authorities. That led to a lot of confusion.

Aidy: I remember hearing that if you can hold your breath for 10 seconds, then you don’t have covid. And I did that so much because I believe in science.

Cecily: Now, I remember the guy at work who gave us test results but he tried to do it funny. They’d be like, “[worrying voice] I have your results. You’re negative.”

Kate: Oh, that guy. We killed him, right?

Pete: I can’t believe I made an entire season without testing positive… for covid.

Chris: One time, I was getting swab stuck up my nose and I looked in my left and Adele was getting swab stuck up her nose and we locked eyes and I panicked and I said, “It’s 11? What the hell does that mean, fam?”

Chloe: I remember how we would bang pots and pants for doctors and nurses at seven o’clock every night.

Beck: And I remember how we slowly stopped doing that until there was just one guy doing it alone for two weeks.

Melissa: We went from, “I want New York to I hate that one guy.”

Kate: At the beginning, our audience was mostly first responders, doctors and nurses.

Aidy: Which sounds really nice But we quickly realize that a doctor who just left the ER after a 36 hour shift is maybe not the best audience for comedy?

Cecily: Yeah, like one time, and this is true, in the middle of our show, a guy in the audience was just reading a medical test. [Cut to a picture of a person reading at ext book during the show.]

Kenan: Yeah. That’s when we started inviting second responders which are random people who show up to the scene of an emergency and go, “Oh, damn. Look at that. That dude cracked his head open.”

Kate: They were fun.

Kenan: Yeah. And they brought their own alcohol too.

Andrew: And it was a tough year to be a first year cast man.

Punkie: Yeah. You couldn’t even be in a sam room with writers.

Lauren: And the cast was already so big.

Unknown person: Yeah, this is my first line the entire season.

Cecily: It was really hard year. But sometimes adversity only sharpens creativity. Let’s take a look at some of the highlights from this season.

[Cut to A clip of Elon Musk dancing as Wario in the Wario sketch.]

Wait, was that it?

Kyle: Look, these were unusual circumstances to do comedy under. Was every sketch perfect? Yeah, pretty much. We crushed it. Every sketch was a 10. No notes.

Alex: Hey, remember when Morgan Wallen got booked on the show?

Mikey: Then unbooked.

Alex: And then rebooked.

Mikey: Then canceled.

Beck: Remember when a fly landed on Mike Pence’s head and then we did a 15 minutes sketch about that?

Kenan: Yeah, and then I ended that sketch. I said, “Live from New York” as another fly who was a ghost of Herman Cain and that’s what the season has been like.

[cut to Chris Rock]

[cheers and applause]

Chris: I hosted the first episode of this season and that feels like six years ago. Here’s how messed up the world was when I hosted. I wanted Kanye West to be the musical guest. And he couldn’t do it because he was running for president. Remember that? Also the week I was here, the sitting president who said covid would disappear got covid. That was this season. That was this season. Then the election was over, Heat Miser loses, big moment for SNL. Clearly the right time to leave, to end of season. But no, these idiots did 12 more shows. Even Jim Carrey knew it was time to go home.

Pete: Yeah. But the main thing was that we were in it together. Everyone was there for each other no matter what.

Cecily: Sorry. Pete, is that a green screen?

Pete: No.

Cecily: Have you been doing the show from home this whole year?

Pete: Probably not.

Pete’s mom: Petey, your hot pockets are read.

Pete: I’ll be right there, Lorne.

Kenan: Mostly, we remember how lucky we were to have a job at at time when so many people were out of work. We remember that seeing even the tops of our friend’s faces was better than being alone in our apartments with our adopted pet children.

Aidy: We remember losing members of our SNL family, like our beloved music producer Hal Willner.

Kenan: And so many family members of our cast and crew who we thought of every time we had a show.

Kate: This was the year we realized we were more than just cast. We’re a family.

Aidy: And, like a true family, we are kind of sick of each other and we need a little break.

Kenan: So, we’ll see everybody, fingers crossed, in thanksgiving.

Cecily: Thank you for staying with us through and election, and insurrection and an objection that there was an insurrection.

Kate: And as someone who played Rudy Giuliani and experienced the year through his eyes, I can tell you, it was one wild ride, baby.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

No More Masks Cold Open

Dr. Anthony Fauci… Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

Beck Bennett

Bowen Yang

Ego Nwodim

Alex Moffat

Cecily Strong

Lauren Holt

Punkine Johnson

Andrew Dismukes

Chloe Fineman

Melissa Villaseñor

Pete Davidson

Chris Redd

Male voice: And now, a message from Dr. Anthony Fauci.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci at a podium of press conference]

[cheers and applause]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: It’s your boy Fauci, the patron saint of Purell. As you’ve probably heard, we’ve got some very good news this week and I’m not just talking about J-Lo and Ben Affleck. The CDC announced that people who are vaccinated no longer need to wear a mask. Outdoors or indoors. Pretty great, right? But a lot of people have questions. Such as – What does that mean? What the hell are you talking about? Is this a trap? So, to clear things up, I found a few doctors at the CDC who minored in theater and I asked them to re-enact various scenarios to demonstrate correct mask behavior. And remember, they only have 24 hours to put this little show together. So, please welcome the CDC players and their first scene, man walks into a bar.

[Aidy and Beck are standing. Aidy is not wearing a mask while Beck is wearing a mask.]

Aidy: Welcome to a bar.

Beck: Thank you. Do I still have to wear a mask indoors?

Aidy: You actually do not.

Beck: Great! [opens his mask]

Aidy: Well, as long as you’re vaccinated.

Beck: No, I’m not.

Aidy: Oh, then that’s bad.

Beck: Well, I’m entering a bar at Dr. Anthony FauciDr. Anthony FauciAM. Did you really think I was Vaxed? Because that’s on you.

Aidy: You’re right. I deserve covid.

Beck: And scene.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Okay. I don’t know if that’s the right takeaway. The real point is we have to trust each other. So, please be honest and respectful. Let’s see how that plays out. And on our next scene, the friendly skies.

[Cut to Bowen and Ego. Bowen is wearing a mask and Ego is not wearing a mask.]

Bowen: Stewardess, may I have another scotch on the rocks? I’m a businessman and I need it to relax from business.

Ego: You can have a scotch, but when you’re not drinking it, you need to keep your mask on.

Bowen: Good to know. By the way, I’ve been stuck inside for over a year. Want to bang?

Ego: You know I do, king.

Bowen: Then hop on. Let’s go for a real ride.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Stop this. Thank you. The lesson should have been you need masks on planes, not everybody horny now. A lot of folks are also wondering about larger groups or gathering. So, let’s see an example of that.

[Cut to Alex and Cecily. Both of them are not wearing a mask.]

Alex: I’m concerned. This is a pretty large gathering. Should we be wearing masks?

Cecily: We don’t have to because we’re outside … the Capitol building. [pulls out a gun] Now, let’s get them.

Alex: [wears MAGA hat on] Right behind you.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Okay. That was very specific example but accurate in terms of masks. Now, what about retail businesses? How do you protect front line workers who may or may not be vaccinated. Let’s take a look.

[Cut to Lauren and Punkie. Both of them are not wearing a mask.]

Punkie: Hi there, can I come into your store?

Lauren: Yes. But I’m still asking customers to wear masks respectfully.

Punkie: But I don’t need a mask. I’m gay.

Lauren: And I’m an ally. Come on in. The first hotdog is on me.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: No. That’s not how that works. Being an ally is great but it’s got nothing to do with mask safety. Also, she run a hotdog store? That left me with more questions than answer. Okay, next, we have two young folks who started dating during the pandemic.

[Cut to Andrew and Chloe. They are both wearing masks]

Andrew: This is exciting. We’re dining outside, so we can definitely take our masks off.

[both of them pull their masks off]

Chloe: Oh, no. I don’t like the bottom of your face. It looks like you grew moles under your mask.

Andrew: So, mask back on?

Chloe: No. It’s too late. I already saw it. Now, it’s all I can think about.

Andrew: Then what if you put your mask over your eyes?

Chloe: [covers her face with the mask] Ah! That’s nice. You look like a blue man.

[Kyle walks in]

Kyle: And freeze! [Andrew and Chloe stops moving] We cut to an actual blue man’s apartment. His roommate’s like, “Ah, can you stop it with drumming? I’m trying to get some sleep.”

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: I think that’s the doctor that takes improv classes because that’s what everyone wants the doctor to do. Improvise. Alright, next we have a delicate situation riding New York city transit.

[Cut to Melissa and Pete. Melissa is wearing a mask and Pete is not wearing a mask.]

Pete: Wow, I’m so excited to be back on the subway.

Melissa: Me too. But you should know, masks are so required on buses, ferries and subways.

Pete: Oh, cool. But my question is where should I masturbate? Because buses, ferries and subways all sound like great options.

Melissa: You shouldn’t do that anywhere, sir.

Pete: Don’t worry. I’ll put a mask on it first.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci.]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: He missed a golden opportunity to say, “Thanks for the tip.” Another big question mark is schools. Maybe this will help.

[Cut to Cecily and Chris]

Chris: Hi. I’m here to pick up a student. Do I need to put on a mask?

Cecily: No. Fully vaccinated parents do not need a mask.

Chris: But do I need to be a parent?

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: No. No. Stop. We’re going to stop that one already. Thank you. And this next one, I’m told is more of a riddle.

[Cut to Kyle, Kenan, Heidi and Mikey]

Kenan: Hi. We’re four friends from three different households.

Mikey: We’re all half vaxed and traveling by train from Florida to the UK.

Kyle: One of us is old and severely at risk.

Heidi: And one of us is a baby.

Kenan: So, how many of us should wear masks and in which order?

Kenan: And go!

[four of them start shuffling their places]

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: No idea what’s that supposed to demonstrate. And now, it’s time for the big finale entitled ‘Society is good again, a vision for the future’.

[Cut to Beck, Aidy, Ego and Bowen dancing]

Beck: Wow, everything is fine now.

Aidy: eVerybody got the vaccine. So, we never need masks again.

Bowen: I’m using my old mask as a parachute for my hamster.

Ego: I’m using two of mine as a bikini

Beck: I’m using one of mine as a bikini.

Aidy: I guess when we come together as a society, we can solve anything.

All: Whoo!

Beck: Now, let’s talk about Israel.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Okay. That seems like a good place to end. So, in summary, please, everyone get your vaccine and enjoy life with no masks. Except this audience, you got to keep them on.

[other casts join\

All: An life from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Mother’s Day Message Cold Open

[Starts with Miley Cyrus on SNL stage]

Miley Cyrus: Tomorrow is Mother’s day, and this is for all the moms out there.

[singing] It’s been a long dark night
And I’ve been waiting for the morning
It’s been a long hard fight
But I see a brand new day dawning

I’ve been looking for the sunshine
You know I ain’t seen it in so long
Everything’s gonna work out just fine
Everything’s gonna be all right
That’s been all wrong

Now, let’s get some moms out here.

[Cut to Kate McKinnon and her mother]

Kate: Thank you for coming, mama.

Kate’s Mom: So Kate, is there any chance you’re going to be doing Mary Katherine Gallagher?

Kate: Molly Shannon is not on the show anymore, but it seems like you’re doing Mary Katherine Gallagher.

Kate’s Mom: Let’s do it.

Kate: Okay.

[Both jumps with their both arms up]

Both: Mother’s Day!

[Cut to Aidy Bryant and her mother]

Aidy: Hi, mom.

Aidy’s Mom: Aidy, I missed you so much. But at least I could see on on your show.

Aidy: Oh, mom. Well, it’s not just my show.

Aidy’s Mom: I mean, “Shrill”, season three, out now on Hulu.

Aidy: Very good job, mom. I love you.

[Cut to Kyle Mooney and his mother]

Kyle: I am so happy I get to be with you this mother’s day. I really missed you last year.

Kyle’s Mom: Now, you owe me two gifts.

Kyle: Cool. I kind of thought the trip here was the gift.

Kyle’s Mom: No!

[Cut back to Miley Cyrus]

Speaker 1: [singing] Cause I can see the light of a clear blue morning
I can see the light of a brand new day

[Cut to Beck Bennett and his mother]

Beck: So good to see you, mom.

Beck’s Mom: I’m so proud of you, Beck.

Beck: Aw, mom.

Beck’s Mom: Okay. And your brothers too.

Beck: Okay. But can tonight be about me?

[Cut to Mikey Day and his mother]

Mikey: I missed you, mom.

Mikey’s Mom: I can’t wait to give you a hug.

Mikey: Aw, mom.

Mikey’s Mom: I’m talking about Beck Bennett.

[Cut to Mikey Day and Beck Bennett both with their mothers]

Beck: Hi, Sylvia.

[Cut to Chris Redd and his mother]

Chris: Hey, mama.

Chris’s Mom: Good to see you, baby. I haven’t seen you since Thanksgiving and Christmas, and our big spring break vacation in Miami.

Chris: [laughing] Ha-ha, mama, shut up. You funny.

[Cut to Heidi Gardner with her mother]

Heidi: Thank you for being here, mom.

Heidi’s Mom: I wouldn’t miss it.

Heidi: And they didn’t write me a joke. I don’t know why.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson with his mother]

Kenan: This is my mom, the woman who taught me everything I know. Including how to do reaction shots. Isn’t that right, mom?

Kenan’s Mom: You know I did.

[Cut back to Mikey Cyrus]

Miley Cyrus: [singing] It’s been a long long time
Since I’ve known the taste of freedom
Those clinging vines
That had me bound but I don’t need ’em

I’ve been like a captured eagle
You know an eagle’s born to fly
And now that I have won my freedom
Like an eagle I’m eager for the sky

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor with her mother]

Melissa: Hey, mom.

Melissa’s Mom: Hi, sweetie. I love your impressions. You can do anybody.

Melissa: [smiling] You can do anybody.

Melissa’s Mom: Who was that?

Melissa: You.

Melissa’s Mom: That one needs work.

[Cut to Chloe Fineman with her mother]

Chloe: I love you, mom. You’re my best friend.

Chloe’s Mom: Oh, awkward. You dad is my best friend.

Chloe: Wow. Okay. And we better go. Dad’s asking Elon Musk for financial advice.

[Cut to Bowen Yang with his mother]

Bowen: I’m so happy you’re here, mom.

Bowen’s Mom: Me too, Bowen.

[Bowen’s mom kisses Bowen’s cheek. Then she puts Pirell on his cheek and wipes it.]

Bowen: Mom, don’t Pirell my face.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim with her mother]

Ego: Mom, you’re a doctor. Is everything going to be alright?

Ego’s Mom: Yes.

Ego: Are you proud of me?

Ego’s Mom: Yes.

Ego: Would you be more proud of me if I were a doctor?

Ego’s Mom: Of course!

[Cut to Miley Cyrus]

Miley Cyrus: [singing] Cause I can see the light of a clear blue morning
I can see the light of a brand new day

[Cut to Lauren Holt and Punkie Johnson with their mothers. They all have wine glasses in their hands.]

Lauren: Thank you to our amazing moms.

Punkie: Yeah, ma, I wouldn’t be here without you. Let’s cheers.

[Their moms drink the whole glass of wine at once]

Damn, ma!

Lauren: My god!

Punkie’s Mom: What? It’s been a long year.

Lauren’s Mom: I’ll drink to that.

[Cut to Pete Davidson with his mother]

Pete: Hey, mom.

Pete’s Mom: Sorry, I almost didn’t make it, Petey. I was up till six playing Madame with Chalamet.

Pete: Mom, you have to be more responsible. You had me worried sick.

[Cut to Colin Jost with his mother. His mother is holding cards.]

Colin: Hey, mom, what’s on this index cards?

Colin’s Mom: Michael Che gave them to me. He is so nice. He said to read them for the first time on live TV.

Colin: Yeah, you shouldn’t do that, mom. It’s a trap. You’re going to get our whole family canceled.

[Cut to Cecily Strong with her mother]

Cecily: Hi, mom. I’m so happy you’re here.

Cecily’s Mom: I know. It’s been over a year. [silence] Honey, say the punch line.

Cecily: I can’t. I’m too happy.

[Heidi walks in with her mother]

Heidi: Okay, if you’re not going to say the joke, can I have it?

[Cut to Miley Cyrus]

Miley Cyrus: [singing] I’m gonna be alright
everything’s gonna be alright

everything’s gonna be alright

it’s gonna be okay

[everyone joins Miley Cyrus with their moms]

Happy Mother’s Day to my godmother, Dolly Parton and to my mom too.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.