Tag: Show

Vaccine Game Show

Tevin Jones… Daniel Kaluuya

Tasha.. Ego Nwodim

Derek… Kenan Thompson

Donald… Chris Redd

Shawna… Punkie Johnson

Sarah… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with show intro]

Tevin Jones: Hey, I’m Dr. Tevin Jones and welcome to “Will you take it?” The game show where I try to convince my family to take the covid vaccine. Let’s see who is playing today. We got my lovely cousin, Tasha.

Tasha: Hey.

Tevin Jones: My favorite uncle, Derek.

Derek: Watch out, now.

Tevin Jones: My cousin, Donald.

Donald: Call me Don Juan.

Tevin Jones: And my sweet aunt, Shawna. How are you doing?

Shawna: Baby, I’m blessed.

Tevin Jones: Good to hear. Alright. As you all know, I’m a medical doctor working on the front lines of covid.

Derek: Yes, that’s right.

Tevin Jones: I’ve seen what this disease is doing first hand.

All: Um-hmm.

Donald: Ain’t no joke.

Tevin Jones: And all of you are considered high risk for covid.

All: True.

Tasha: Whatever that means.

Tevin Jones: Bud despite all of my pleads, none of you have been vaccinated yet.

All: Hell nah!

Tevin Jones: Okay. So, let’s get into it. If you answer this first question right, I will hand you $500 in cash. Listen carefully. Will any of you will just take covid vaccine right now? Anybody? Any takers?

[buzzer sound]

Cousin Tasha.

Tasha: $500 cash?

Tevin Jones: Yes.

Tasha: Okay. Can you repeat the question?

Tevin Jones: Sure. The question is – would any of you just take the covid vaccine right now? Anybody?

[buzzer sound]

Don.

Donald: Nope.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Tevin Jones: Not the answer I was looking for.

Donald: Man, I don’t need that vaccine, man.

Tevin Jones: And just to remind everybody watching, you’re a diabetic and you’ve been shot in the lung.

Donald: But I never get sick because I sleep in my socks.

Tevin Jones: Time’s up. We were looking for the answer – “Yes, I will take the vaccine.”

Tasha: Damn.

Tevin Jones: It’s okay. You’ll get more chances to win. Uncle Derek, you’ve had two heart attacks in the past decade.

Derek: Um-hmm. And I survived by the grace of god.

Tevin Jones: And what will you do if you win some money here?

Derek: Man. I might like me a little reefer. Getting them one of them pellet smokers. Yeah. Throw a big old barbecue bash in the neighborhood. No masks.

Tevin Jones: Okay, sounds like you really need this vaccine. So, for $5,000, will you take the vaccine right now?

Derek: Hmm. I don’t know about that.

Tevin Jones: Think about this, uncle Derek. $5,000 is on the line.

Derek: Damn. 5 racks? It’s a lot of bread. I could get me a little girlfriend.

Tevin Jones: And you can have a barbecue. You can have your barbecue completely vaccinated.

Derek: Nah, it ain’t worth it.

Tevin Jones: Really? What about you, aunt Shawna?

Shawna: You know I can’t take that vaccine. I am a Christian.

Tevin Jones: Who told you Christians can’t take the vaccine?

Shawna: Facebook.

Tevin Jones: Time’s up. Again, we were looking for – “Yes.”

Derek: Look, I don’t mind taking the vaccine. I just want to be the first, you know?

Tevin Jones: You won’t be the first. Literally, 100 million people have already taken the vaccine.

Derek: Still, though.

[game show sound]

Tevin Jones: Well, that sound means it’s time for “Ask a doctor”. This is where each of you get to ask me, a medical doctor, any questions you have about the covid vaccine. And in the end, hopefully, some of you will leave here with cash and take the vaccine. Let’s start the clock at all day. [the game timer has 24 hours countdown.] And go! Tasha.

Tasha: Do it got syphilis in it?

Tevin Jones: What? Of course not. Why would it have syphilis in it? Tasha?

Tasha: Tuskegee.

Tevin Jones: Okay. But that was a long time ago.

Tasha: Um-hmm, well I ain’t forget.

Tevin Jones: It doesn’t have syphilis in it. Don?

Donald: Alright, I’ll take it when white people start taking it.

Tevin Jones: White people are taking it.

Donald: Man, you can’t trust white people.

Tevin Jones: Why can’t you trust white people? Tasha?

Tasha: Tuskegee.

Tevin Jones: Okay. You’re not wrong about Tuskegee. But still.

Derek: Nephew, I got a question. How come you don’t visit the family no more?

Shawna: Yeah. You missed grandma’s birthday.

Tevin Jones: None of you are vaccinated yet. And you shouldn’t be having parties.

Tasha: [mocking] You shouldn’t be having parties. Dork ass!

Tevin Jones: Whatever. Look, I’m offering you guys $5,000 to take this vaccine.

Derek: Make it 10.

Tevin Jones: Okay, fine. I’ma give you $20,000. Will you take it now?

Derek: 20 racks? [thinking] Nah, I’m good.

Tevin Jones: Okay. This is not working. This is not working. Let’s just take a break. Ha-ha. And when we come back, I’ll see if my girlfriend, Sarah, who’s also a doctor, can change their minds.

[Cut to Sarah. She’s a white girl]

Sarah: It’s really nice to meet you guys.

[The family are complaining about her]

Britney Spears Talk Show Cold Open

Britney Spears… Chloe Fineman

Lil’ Nas X… Chris Redd

Jesus… Mikey Day

Pepe Le Pew… Kate McKinnon

Matt Gaetz… Pete Davidson

[starts with show intro]

Female voice: Live from Las Vegas, it’s “Oops, you did it again”. With your host, Britney Spears.

[Cut to Britney Spears in her show set]

Britney Spears: Hey, y’all. It’s Britney, bitch. This is the show where we shine a light on social pariahs of the week. And I get to decide whether they’re innocent or [singing] not that innocent. And speaking of pariahs, shout our to our sponsor, Georgia – voted best place not to vote. I too have been put in the hot seat this week. I was accused of not writing my own social media captions. Ha-ha! That’s right. They thought someone else wrote – [cut the her tweet] “Who else finds the sea more mysterious than space?” Why do they think is running my account? Jacques Cousteau? Okay, my first guest tonight has been attacked by rare combo of Catholic church and Nike. Please welcome Lil’ Nas X.

[Lil’ Nas X walks in]

Lil’ Nas X: Hi Britney. I hope you don’t mind but I wore one of my casual look.

Britney Spears: You look amos. Now, I want to start with your new satan shoes. Is it true that they’re Nikes made with human blood?

Lil’ Nas X: Yeah, but I don’t know why Nike so mad. The whole thing is ‘just do it’. Well, I did it.

Britney Spears: People were also freaking out about your new video where you ride down a stripper pole to hell and twerk on the devil. Why are they so upset?

Lil’ Nas X: Because they’re closed minded idiots? People are afraid of me because I’m different. But really, I’m just your typical gay black country rap sneaker entrepreneur. I put my pants on like everyone else. One assless chap at a time.

Britney Spears: And what would you say to the religious folks who were mad that you gave satan a lap dance?

Lil’ Nas X: I would say – you know that wasn’t the real satan, right? It was a dude in a Halloween devil costume because the real satan doesn’t do music videos. So maybe, chill?

Britney Spears: So, helping people together, would you be willing to give a lap dance to god? Just to even things out?

Lil’ Nas X: Hmm. Okay, yeah. I guess.

Britney Spears: Okay, let’s do it.

[A man wearing Jesus costume walks in and sits. Lil’ Nas X twerts on him and gives him a lap dance.]

Wow! Happy Easter, everyone!

Lil’ Nas X: And should I again remind people, that was not the real god? That was just my friend, Gary.

Britney Spears: Thanks, Gary. Okay, my next guest has been cancelled and got taken out of the upcoming film “Space Jam”. Please welcome Pepe Le Pew.

[Pepe Le Pew walks in. He’s wearing a squirrel costume.]

Pepe Le Pew: Hello to you. I would kiss you all the way up your arm, but I realize that is no longer socially acceptable. So, I will shake your hand and say nice to meet you.

Britney Spears: See? You’re learning. Now, the original “Space Jam” is one of the best alien sports movie of all time. What was your part in the movie supposed to be?

Pepe Le Pew: Well, any good basketball family needs a horny skunk. That much we all know. So, my part was, get this, I see a basketball in a blonde wig. I make love to it for Britney Spears0-Britney Spears5 minutes before LeBron James taps me on the shoulder and says, “Bro, that’s a basketball.” Not my finest moment in cinema but it made the crew laugh. So…

Britney Spears: And how do you respond to people who say you promote a culture of assault?

Pepe Le Pew: Look, I’m an actor. The part you see me play on TV and movie, that’s not me. I would love to be at a point in my career where I could turn down project, but there are not a lot of part for an old French skunk. Every audition, everyone come down to me or Gerard Depardieu. And if you think I am problematic, the problematic Looney Tunes? Two words for you. Speedy Gonzales. And, you didn’t hear this from me, but FBI is 90% sure, Yosemite Sam was at the Capitol riot.

Britney Spears: Oh. So, Pepe, where do we go from here?

Pepe Le Pew: I’ve been doing the work. Reading books. Women are from Mars, skunks are from France. I realize that Pepe love women but what Pepe needs to do now is listen to women. And of course, I am in a treatment for sex addiction.

Britney Spears: Okay. Krrr! Our final guest is, as we said in the early 2000s, a hot mess, and as we’d say today, a full on sex pest, please keep your hands apart not clapping for Florida congressman Matt Gaetz.

[Matt Gaetz walks in wearing a suit]

Matt Gaetz: Hi, everyone. Gigity gigity goop.

Britney Spears: Now, who are you again?

Matt Gaetz: My name is Matt Gaetz. Like, Bill Gates, but with a Z at the end. Like a cool version for teens.

Britney Spears: Speaking of teens–

Matt Gaetz: Oh, we don’t have to speak of teens.

Britney Spears: No, ha-ha. Let’s. So, this whole story is so bizarre, so incredibly Florida that I need to get it straight. You were dating a 17 year old and brought her on trips across state lines.

Matt Gaetz: Allegedly.

Britney Spears: Prostitutes say you took ecstasy and had sex with them in Florida hotel rooms.

Matt Gaetz: Alleged– gigity goop.

Britney Spears: And your republican colleagues in congress say that you showed them nude photos of women you were sleeping with.

Matt Gaetz: Which is not a crime! Just horrifying!

Britney Spears: I don’t know, Matt. I think I can spot a teen predator when I see one. After all, I was on Mickey Mouse club.

Matt Gaetz: Argh! That’s ridiculous. People were just targeting me because I defended Donald Trump.

Britney Spears: And what has Trump said in your defense?

Matt Gaetz: Gigity squat!

Britney Spears: Do you think these allegations are going to hurt you in the next election?

Matt Gaetz: Weirdly in my district, they might help. But come on, I’m just like Pepe here. I’m just a ladies man.

Pepe Le Pew: Dude, no! I’m a cartoon skunk. You are a United States congressman. Be better, okay?

Matt Gaetz: You know what? Maybe I should do a lap dance too. That’d be fun, right?

Lil’ Nas X: If you come anywhere near me, just remember, I have hiphop friends and country friends, the Tupac relations that are guaranteed to own guns.

Matt Gaetz: Okay, point taken.

Pepe Le Pew: And if I may add– [Pepe Le Pew turns her back toward Matt Gaetz and farts hard]

Matt Gaetz: Oh, god! I kinda like it.

Britney Spears: And now, I am going to give my verdict. Lil’ Nas X, innocent.

Lil’ Nas X: Hell, yeah.

Britney Spears: Pepe Le Pew, not that innocent.

Pepe Le Pew: I accept. It’s time for a newly Pew.

Britney Spears: And Matt Gaetz, I’m not legally allowed to call you innocent or guilty, so I’ll just encourage everyone to [singing] judge him by his face. 

Matt Gaetz: Oh-oh!

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Spring Break Game Show Cold Open

Cece Vuvuzela… Maya Rudolph

Kyle Mooney

Beck Bennett

Chris Redd

Madison… Chloe Fineman

Poots… Ego Nwodim

Lego… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with show intro]

Female voice: You’re watching MTV Spring Break live at Miami beach where the party don’t stop until the government mandated curfew. Next stop, it’s the number one game show for hot infectious singles – “Snatched! Vaxed! or Waxed!”

[cheers and applause] [cut to Cece hosting the show]

Cece: Yes. Whoo! What’s up? Oh, what’s up, you guys? I am your host Cece Vuvuzela. I am here at beautiful Miami beach during global pandemic. We are so close to the end. Let’s ruin it! Okay, guys. When I say fourth, you say wave. Fourth!

Contestants: Wave!

Cece: Let’s go! Whoo! Today, three contestants will try and guess if our hidden lovely ladies are snatched – meaning the physique be right and tight, vaxed – and they got the anti-bodies-yadi-yadies, or waxed – a.k.a. smooth like a seal. That’s weird. Our equally important qualities. Ready boys?

Kyle: [excited] Oh, hell yeah!

Beck: Born this way.

Chris: My homie got me the vaccine two years ago. So, I’ve been straight for a minute.

Cece: Why don’t we meet our first covid cutie?

Madison: Hi, I’m Madison. I go to the university of high school where I major in home room. I’m here in Miami to either get covid or get laid.

Cece: Um, that’s good. Don’t let the pandemic change your priorities, right? What do you think, boys?

Kyle: That’s the voice of a girl with a small hard body if you please, ma’am. So, I’ma say snatched.

Beck: That sounded like a girl I hooked up with earlier today, so based off that I gotta say waxed.

Chris: Yo, she sounds like she’s down for anything crazy. So, I’ma say she got vaxed.

Cece: Tell em’ your deal.

Madison: I’m on Florida Adderal, man! So yeah, I’m snatched.

Cece: Oh, you guessed correct which means the two of you are headed to club Syph. With a capacity of 2,000, this place is literally on fire every night. Just make sure you go on before 10 because that’s when the cops stop firing pepper balls into your face.

Madison: Oh, pepper ball sounds fun. Let’s go do one.

[Madison and Kyle leave]

Cece: Snatched, Vaxed or waxed is brought to you by Spirit Airlines. “$10 flight to Miami. Don’t worry, we keep the windows open.” And AstraZeneca. “We put the ass in vassine”. Let’s meet our next hottie with the body.

Poots: Hey, I’m Poots and it’s technically not my spring break because I’m still going to Zoom school to be a therapist. Um-hmm, yeah, sorry sir, but you crazy. I’m gonna be a doctor.

Cece: Umm, what do we think, boys?

Chris: She sounded smart, so I gotta go with waxed.

Beck: I know she don’t want herpes, so I’m gonna say vaxed.

Cece: Uh-uh, neither of you guessed correctly. So, Poots is headed out on a date to the Versace Murder Steps all by herself.

Poots: I don’t wanna go there.

Cece: It’s not optional. Enjoy Miami. Let’s meet our final pandemic princess.

Lego: What’s up? I’m Lego and I actually can’t wear a mask coz it irritates my cold sores. So, I am anti-vaxed and anti-max. But I am laxed.

Chris: What are you saying?

Lego: I’m in laxed place.

Chris: Okay. You know what? She made a point saying she’s anti-vaxed. But I think she’s just flirting. So, I’ma say vaxed.

Cece: Oh, no, come on. You guys know no one partying in Miami is vaxed. [siren] Oh-oh, you know what that siren means.

Beck: [wearing his police vest] I’m actually a cop and that siren means I’m on duty now.

Cece: No. It means we take a shot and keep the party going. Please welcome people’s cousin Leopard.

[starting the party. Chris and Lego start danging]

Chris: Alright, alright, everybody out. Everybody out. Let’s go. Let’s go.

Cece: Oh, no, smoke bombs. That means they’re closing the bridges. We gotta go. I am Cece and it was all worth it. And–

All: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Weekend Update Frasier Revival Muppet Show Warning

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture lf Kelsey Grammer at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Kelsey Grammer announced that he will star in a revival of Frasier. For those of you too young to remember, Frasier was the show that made F.R.I.E.N.D.S. look black.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an airplane at right top corner.]

Michael Che: An American Airlines pilot reported that during a flight over New Mexico, he saw a long cylinder object come close to his plane. “Sorry, that was just our engine”, said United.

[Picture changes to a boat]

A sailor who fell overboard survived for 14 hours in a Pacific ocean by floating on a large piece of garbage. “Sorry, that was our other engine”, said United.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Disney’s Muppet Show logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Disney+ has placed a disclaimer in front of old episodes of the Muppet Show warning viewers that it features offensive content. I just want to ask, who’s about to watch Muppets, sees a warning about graphic content and doesn’t watch it? If anything, you’d be like, “I got to see this episode of the Muppets. Did Gonzo finally have sex with the chicken?”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of coronavirus at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new study shows that the coronavirus lowered the average life expectancy for black Americans by nearly three years. In fact the coronavirus is so deadly to black Americans, it’s being suspended with pay.

[picture changes to Peter Luger logo]

New York City Steak House Peter Luger has partnered with Madame Tussauds to filling it’s dining room with wax figures of celebrities during the pandemic. So now, you can enjoy your steak with Jimmy Fallon, or have a dessert with Audrey Hepburn, or have a drink with, oh no, Bill Cosby?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of map of Greece at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Researchers have discovered a piece of 20 million year old petrified wood on the Greek island of Lesbos. They knew it was from Lesbos because it’s double ended.

[picture changes to a Jeep]

You’re not gonna like this. The chief of the Cherokee Nation is calling on car maker Jeep to stop using the tribe’s names on it’s vehicles. So, Jeep has agreed to change the name to, wow, the Aunt Jemima mobile.

Vaccine Game Show Cold Open

Dr. Anthony Fauci… Kate McKinnon

Gavin Newsom… Alex Moffat

Andrew Cuomo… Pete Davidson

Gretchen Whitmer… Cecily Strong

Jane F. … Heidi Gardner

Kendall Frye… Ego Nwodim

Melissa Villseñor

Ronald… Bowen Yang

Ted Cruz… Aidy Bryant

Seymour Foreman… Mikey Day

[Starts with a message video]

Male voice: And now, a message from Dr. Anthony Fauci.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci] [cheers and applause]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Hello. Hello. Okay. Thank you. Hello. I am America’s voice of reason and Celebrity Hall Pass for some reason, Dr. Fauci. The vaccine rollout is going strong, but it’s also very confusing. Who can get it? How? When? Where is it? Do both doses go in the same arm or different arms or what? I don’t know. So tonight, we give everyday Americans the chance to vie for vaccine eligibility on a little show we like to call “So you think you can get the vaccine?” [clapping] [cheers and applause]

Hello and welcome to the name of the game show I just said.

[Dr. Anthony Fauci walks to the podium that’s shaped like covid-Dr. Anthony FauciSeymour Foreman vaccine bottle container]

Getting a vaccine shouldn’t be a competition but Americans will only want to get it if it means someone else can’t. So, let’s meet our panel of judges who are all — get excited — famous governors. First, he is hated by every single person in California except those 10 people he had dinner with in Napa that one time, please welcome governor Gavin Newsom.

[cheers and applause]

Gavin Newsom: Hey, what can I say? I love dinner.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: That’s great. How are things going in California?

Gavin Newsom: Teeth – white. Bodies – tight. Covid – pretty bad.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Next, he is currently under fire for futzing with old dead people and also for the kind of sexual harassment allegations that make you go, “Yeah, I can see that”, it’s New York’s governor Andrew Cuomo.

[cheers and applause]

Andrew Cuomo: Yes. Yes. Hello. Nice bodies, some of you. I know, I know. I’m in the freaking dog house again. Remember when your favorite movie was my Powerpoints? Remember “Today is Tuesday”? When can we go back to that? I mean, come on.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Okay. Our next judge narrowly escaped being kidnapped by a group of men whose fingerprints probably had Cheetos dust on them, please welcome the governor of Michigan, Gretchen Whitmer.

[cheers and applause]

Gretchen Whitmer: Hey there. It’s an honor to be here with my fellow governors. People yell at them about their policies and they yell at me “Get her!” But hey, that’s life! [takes a sip from her bottle of beer.]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Okay. Judges, all of our contestants desperately want the vaccine but an essential worker can differ in every state. So, in California, it’s–

Gavin Newsom: Police, hospital staff, neuropaths and psychics.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: And in Michigan, it’s–

Gretchen Whitmer: Fishers, truckers, trappers and drafters.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Right. And in New York, it is–

Andrew Cuomo: Tough guys, wise guys, rich guys and five guys.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Great. Tonight’s game and the vaccine is brought to you by CVS. Come fo the shot, leave with a lollipop from two Halloweens ago. Our first contestant is very nervous and excited to be here. Please welcome Jane F.

[cheers and applause]

Jane F.: Hello, I’m from Michigan. Go, Wolverines.

Gretchen Whitmer: Aw, well hi. Nice to see a fellow Michigander.

Jane F.: Oh, thanks. I actually voted for you.

Gretchen Whitmer: Oh, it’s nice.

Jane F.: I voted for you to get kidnapped. But still–

Gretchen Whitmer: It’s alright. Well, I’ll take it. Tell us why you’re here?

Jane F.: I think I deserve the vaccine because I’m an essential worker.

Gretchen Whitmer: That’s nice. What do you do?

Jane F.: I do IT for the Onlyfans website, so I am busy.

Gretchen Whitmer: Do you have any preexisting conditions?

Jane F.: Um, I have a really bad attitude. I’m allergic to dust. And I don’t know if this is anything but I have herpes.

Gretchen Whitmer: Oh, no, sweetheart, that doesn’t get to the vaccine.

Jane F.: What? Then why did I just say that on the TV?

[Jane F. leaves]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Oh, it’s too bad. A reminder, any contestant who’s not going home with a vaccine will take home one of our highly desirable consolation prizes like Pfizer visor. [A picture of a Pfizer sun cap appears on the screen.] It’s visor with the word Pfizer on it. And if you don’t get the vaccine, you might take home Maxine. [a cartoon woman appears on the screen]. The cranky middle aged woman from the Hallmark cards. Available at CVS. CVS, it stands for Chex Mix, Vodka and “So much plan B”. Now, our next contestant has asked me to tell you that she is very, very old, for real. She’s not even kidding. Please welcome Kendall Frye.

[Kendall Frye walks in] [cheers and applause]

Kendall Frye: Hello. I’m old. I love hard candy and boy do I stand going to church.

Gretchen Whitmer: Hah! Something seems off about her.

Andrew Cuomo: Yeah. She just said stand.

Gavin Newsom: I think we got another pretend granny.

Kendall Frye: [pulls off her wig] Okay, fine. Listen, there’s a guy I’ve been talking to for 10 years and he just got out of a relationship and he’s in town tonight. Give me the vaccine.

Gavin Newsom: Okay. And, what are your risks?

Kendall Frye: My risk is that I may pop, sir.

Gretchen Whitmer: Sorry, sweetheart. You’re not eligible.

Kendall Frye: Wow, okay. On the second to last day of Black History Month, wow!

[Kendall Frye walks out]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Thanks again to our sponsor, CVS. We have the receipts — and they’re long. I don’t get that joke. I don’t mind saying it. I just don’t get it. Alright, our next contestant is expecting to have a baby.

[cheers and applause]

Melissa: Hi, I’m pregnant. Can I get the vaccine?

Andrew Cuomo: I don’t know. Can you?

Melissa: Sorry. May I get the vaccine?

Andrew Cuomo: No, that wasn’t a grammar thing. I was genuinely asking. We have no idea.

Melissa: You don’t know?

Gavin Newsom: Um, just give it to her?

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Um, unfortunately, we’re running a little low on Moderna, but we do have some trials for the Kirkland signature vaccine developed by Costco. [pulls out a huge syringe] It’s big enough for you and your little one that comes with a free pack of 24 hotdogs. Next, we have Ronald who’s a proud smoker from New Jersey.

[cheers and applause]

Ronald: Hi. I’m Ronald. [holding a burning cigarette in uncomfortable way] I’m from New Jersey. And I love cigarettes.

Andrew Cuomo: Are you just saying that because in New Jersey, they’re giving the vaccine to smokers?

Ronald: [squeaky voice] What? No. I love smoking. I love the squishy part, the burny part. It’s all my favorite. [coughing] Okay, this is terrible. I got to get some water.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Okay, give it up for that life long smoker. Our next contestant is– this doesn’t sound right, fresh off his appearance yesterday at CPAC. Oh god, it’s Ted Cruz.

[cheers and applause]

Ted Cruz: Yes, yes. Senator Ted Cruz performing talent of stand up comedy. Oh, it is great to be back in New York city. I’m sorry, my arms are tired because I just flew back Cancun, Mexico. But can you really blame a brother for want some sun? Oh-oh! Oh-oh! Here comes my catch phrase that I’ve spent all day yesterday screaming. Are you ready? Here we go now. [yelling] Freedom!

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Wow. It’s been quite a night and we’re down to our last contestant. Let’s bring him out.

[cheers and applause]

Seymour Foreman: Hello. My name is Seymour Foreman and I’m RonaldJane F. years young. I was an army doctor but now I’m just the world’s proudest granddad.

Gretchen Whitmer: Aww. Wow, you got it all.

Andrew Cuomo: You win.

Gavin Newsom: You get the vaccine.

Seymour Foreman: Oh, wonderful. So, do I get it here or back stage?

Andrew Cuomo: Oh, no. You can’t get it here. You gotta make an appointment online.

Seymour Foreman: On what? Oh no! How do I do that?

Gavin Newsom: Do you have a computer?

Seymour Foreman: For Spider Solitaire.

Gretchen Whitmer: Well, is there a young person who could help you?

Seymour Foreman: Perhaps the mailman?

Andrew Cuomo: Now, does he have three straight days to click refresh?

Seymour Foreman: I don’t think he does. He seems busy.

Gretchen Whitmer: Ah! So close. Better luck next time.

Andrew Cuomo: But if you do feel sick, make sure you leave the nursing home and get to the hospital. Wink!

Seymour Foreman: Oh no!

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Alright. That’s all the time we have. I’m just getting word, power went out at the CVS nearby. The vaccines are all going to expire. So, it’s first come first stab.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Dionne Warwick Talk Show Nick Jonas Dua Lipa

Dionne Warwick… Ego Nwodim

Britney… Punkie Johnson

The Weeknd… Kenan Thompson

Nick Jonas

Andrew Dismukes

Dua Lipa… Melissa Villaseñor

Machine Gun Kelly… Pete Davidson

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: She’s the very best. Gets it all off her chest. She’s multi-platinum and knows what’s happening. It’s the Dionne Warwick talk show.

[Cut to Dionne Warwick in her set]

Dionne Warwick: Hello. [cheers and applause] Welcome to the Dionne Warwick talk show. A show where I ask celebrities whatever I want to know. Thanks as alway to my producer and my niece, Britney.

Britney: Ay, glad to be here, aunt Dionne.

Dionne Warwick: And now, for today’s top new stories.

[music playing] [singing] I know I’ll never love this way again
Hold on, hold on

Yeah. Thank you. Let’s bring out our first guest, the Weeknd.

[The Weeknd walks in]

Okay, what is your whole situation?

The Weeknd: Hi, I’m a performer. Maybe you saw me at the Super Bowl.

Dionne Warwick: Yes. You gave me vertigo. Now, Mr. Weeknd, you are addicted to plastic surgery, correct?

The Weeknd: Um, no.

Dionne Warwick: When you say, “I can’t feel my face”, is that coz it’s fake now?

The Weeknd: Oh, no. The plastic surgery wasn’t real.

Dionne Warwick: Okay now, here’s a question. Why are you from Canada?

The Weeknd: I don’t understand.

Dionne Warwick: Okay. Okay. Alright. Thank you for participating. Wonderful. Goodbye. Take care. Yeah. [The Weeknd walks away] Alright. Fantastic. Well, my next guest is the reason all my assistants got blow outs today. Please welcome Nick Jonas.

[Nick Jonas walks in]

Nick Jonas: Thank you so much for having me.

Dionne Warwick: Yeah. Explain yourself.

Nick Jonas: I’m Nick Jonas. I’m a coach on Voice.

Dionne Warwick: Yeah. I have heard that you are the most boring coach even though one of the other coaches is John Legend. How is that possible?

Nick Jonas: I don’t know.

Dionne Warwick: Now, you have a song “What a man gotta do”. What’s that about? Going down town? He’s got to do it.

Nick Jonas: I can’t argue with you there.

Dionne Warwick: Now, what is ‘cake by the ocean’? Who the hell wants to eat a sandy cake?

Nick Jonas: Well, that’s my brother’s song. But some people say it’s euphemism for sex on the beach.

Dionne Warwick: Okay. Well, now I like your ass. Alright.

Nick Jonas: Again, not my bag.

Dionne Warwick: Alright, now, do you and your brothers ever fight?

Nick Jonas: Sometimes.

Dionne Warwick: Could you fight Windy Williams for me?

Nick Jonas: I don’t think so.

Dionne Warwick: Okay. Last question. [showing Priyanka Chopra’s photo] Your wife looks like this. Now, show us your penis.

Nick Jonas: I’m not gonna do that.

Dionne Warwick: Alright. Well, thank you for being here. [Nick Jonas walks out] Now, Britney, I was nominated for the Rock N’ Roll Hall of Fame. And I need enough votes to get in. Am I beating the Goo Goos?

Britney: Oh, not yet, aunt Dionne.

Dionne Warwick: What about Foo Fighters?

Britney: Nope. No, aunt Dionne.

Dionne Warwick: What about Kate Buzz?

Britney: You kicking her butt, aunt Dionne.

Dionne Warwick: Okay, good. I don’t have to win but I cannot lost. Okay, now for our animal segment.

[music playing] [Dionne Warwick walks towards Andrew. He is standing with a white parrot]

Andrew: Hi, Ms. Warwick. Today we’re going to–

Dionne Warwick: [singing and dancing] Keep smiling, keep shining
knowing you can always come for me
for sure, that’s what friends are for

Thank you.

[Dionne Warwick walks back to her seat]

Yeah. Alright. Let’s bring out our next guest, Dua Lipa.

[Dua Lipa walks in]

Dua Lipa, now, why would you make your name nasty? That Spanish for ‘two lips’. You are hussie in disguise.

Dua Lipa: That’s just my real name. Maybe you know me from my songs.

[singing] I got no rules–

Dionne Warwick: Okay. So, here’s a question. Lil’ Yachty. A yacht is supposed to be big. If you’re a little yacht, you are simply a boat.

Dua Lipa: Don’t know the answer to that.

Dionne Warwick: Now, Windy Williams once called you Dula Pip. My last question is, should we egg her house?

Dua Lipa: Sure.

Dionne Warwick: Okay, then. We gonna take my car, baby. [passing the car keys to Dua Lipa] Alright. Thank you for coming. [Dua Lipa walks out] Alright. Our next guest, I talked to him back stage and I am okay with this.

Britney: But auntie, you weren’t good with it the last time.

Dionne Warwick: No. No, no, no. Now, I’m alright. I understand he is a very nice fan. Let’s welcome Machine Gun Kelly.

[Machine Gun Kelly walks in]

Machine Gun Kelly: Hey!

Dionne Warwick: Na-na-na. Get hm out of here. He is too scary.

Britney: You said you were okay with it this time.

Dionne Warwick: Baby, I change my mind. He has got to go.

Machine Gun Kelly: Alright. Peace. Late. [walks out]

Dionne Warwick: Much better. Audience, okay. We’re at the best part of the show. Go ahead and look under your seats. Everybody gets a–

[music playing] [singing] The moment I wake up

[The audience look under their seats]

Audience: It’s ticket to the Dionne Warwick talk show.

Dionne Warwick: That’s right. See you tomorrow.

Super Bowl Pregame Show Cold Open

James Brown… Kenan Thompson

Boomer Esiason… Beck Bennett

Bill Cowher… Alex Moffat

Nate Burleson… Chris Redd

Phil Simms… Mikey Day

Andy Reid, Bruce Arians. … Aidy Bryant

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: You’re watching the Super Bowl 55 pregame show on CBS.

[Cut to James Brown in his set.]

James Brown: Hello and welcome to the Super Bowl, four hours of television for 11 minutes of action. I am James “no, not that one” Brown. And joining me as always are Boomer Esiason.

Boomer Esiason: Excited to be here.

James Brown: Coach Bill Cowher..

Bill Cowher: Hey!

James Brown: Former wide out, Nate Burleson.

Nate Burleson: Okay.

James Brown: And the great, Phil Simms.

Phil Simms: Do we need this many hosts?

James Brown: As everyone at home knows this year has been anything but normal. The pandemic, racial and political divisions, army hammer. But today, we come together in a spirit of unity to watch football. And murdered billions of chickens for their delicious wings.

Boomer Esiason: [eating chicken at the set] I’ll wing to that. Ha-ha-ha.

James Brown: Right. That is right. The league also dealt with so many covid restrictions this year but with hard work and vigilance, we were able to get through the season with only 700 cases. Hurray us! But again, today is all about positivity.

Bill Cowher: Well, except in terms of test results, the NFL is incredibly careful. If you test positive, they will ask you to cover your mouth with a play chart.

Nate Burleson: And you know who stood in the covid restrictions more than anyone this week is Tampa Bay’s famous prostitutes.

Phil Simms: Dude?

James Brown: Today again, is about inclusivity and we’re offering a variety of viewing experiences. Earlier we showed highlights with a new Nickelodeon twist. [Cut to football game. There’s a lot of visual effects of green gooey liquid being sprayed at the players.] Including a few gruesome injuries. [cut to a player bleeding green.] [cut back to the host set]

Phil Simms: The game is also being simulcast on the Bravo network where it’s hosted by Andy Coen and instead of the Super Bowl, [cut to Bravo channel’s display of Tom Brady and Patrick Mahomes] it’s called “Old Hag versus Young Slut.”

[cut back to the host set]

Nate Burleson: That’s right. That’s right. And if the Puppy Bowl isn’t your thing, flip over to the Hallmark channel for the original movie “The Woman Who Married Her Cat.”

Boomer Esiason: And this is interesting. The cat turns out to be Santa’s son.

Bill Cowher: Wow. Very cool, Boom. Now, this year, we want all viewers to feel welcome, appreciated and seen.

Phil Simms: And to reflect the importance of this moment in history you’ll see in passion commercials, this one almost brought me to tears.

[cut to an old video clips of black people’s achievements.]

Female voice: In these times, what you stand for matters more than ever. We’ve learned once again that freedom isn’t free. But we must always strive for equality. And we must always reach for [cut to Cheeze-Its commercial] Cheeze-Its. Cheeze-It’s, historically delicious. Cheeze-Its, historically delicious.

[cut back to the host set]

Phil Simms: Wow, truly inspiring.

Nate Burleson: What the hell?

James Brown: That was a commercial for Cheeze-Its?

Boomer Esiason: Really makes you think.

Bill Cowher: Right bro. But look, don’t worry. Hah! To balance off the so called ‘progressive ads’, we’re also airing some with the more conservative ads like this one.

[cut to the ad. A pizza delivery buy is ringing the door bell.]

Male voice: At Papa John’s, we know you want real ingredient. No additives, no preservatives and no child sex trafficking in the basement. Sorry democrats, you’ll have to get your child sex pizza over at Hillary’s Pizzeria. Papa John’s. It’s A-OK. Stop by with your Q-Pon today.

[cut back to the host set]

James Brown: Wait! That’s a pizza ad?

Boomer Esiason: Really makes you think.

Phil Simms: But some of the most prominent advertisers are skipping out this year and are instead directing out the money and attention to the ongoing vaccine effort.

James Brown: That’s right. Take a look at how Budweiser adapted this classic Super Bowl ad to help inform the public.

[cut to the ad. The horses are playing football, but there’s a syringe placed on the football. The syringe flies and needles an elderly lady.]

Male voice: It’s good! Better get the second dose of cold, refreshing Bud-light.

[cut back to the host set]

Phil Simms: Okay, I think that could be misleading.

Bill Cowher: Yeah. But remember, there’s another side to everything and anti-vaxxers drink beer too, that’s why Budweiser also released this ad.

[cut to the ad. There are two frogs talking.]

Frog: Don’t trust Pfizer.

[cut back to the host set]

Phil Simms: Well, I guess it’s nice to hear both sides of the issue via frogs.

Boomer Esiason: I love frogs. They’re like turtles without shells.

James Brown: And speaking of both sides, let’s talk to both of these incredible coaches about how they’re preparing for big game. Joining us first is chief’s coach, Andy Reid.

Andy Reid: Hey there, Jim. Appreciate you have me.

James Brown: Alright coach, how do you win this game?

Andy Reid: Well, we’re going to pass it and then we’re going to run it, and when they have the ball, we’re going to stop it.

Bill Cowher: Thanks so much for that coach Reid. Fascinating stuff.

James Brown: And now, let’s check in on the other side line with Tampa based coach, Bruce Arians.

Bruce Arians: Hey there, guys. Thanks for having me.

James Brown: Yes. You just heard coach Reid’s plan. How do you match up against that?

Bruce Arians: Well, we’re going to run it first, then pass it, and then when they have the ball, we’re going to try to take the ball back.

James Brown: Phenomenal insight. I’m glad we checked in

Nate Burleson: Oh, but I want to hear what coach Reid thought about what Arians just said.

Andy Reid: You do?

Nate Burleson: Yeah.

Andy Reid: Okay. Well then, just ask real slow.

Nate Burleson: Hey coach Reid, what do you think about what coach Arians just said?

Andy Reid: Great. Really good.

James Brown: Alright. Well, thanks to both coaches. Guys, final predictions for what we’re going to see today.

Bill Cowher: Okay, JB, I predict that at the end of the game covid will address the Florida crowd and thank them for an incredible opportunity.

Nate Burleson: I predict that Cardi B will do a disturbing  commercial called “Wet Ass Pepsi”

Phil Simms: Well, last year, Planters killed off Mr. Peanut. This year, I predict that Kia Hamsters do a murder suicide.

Boomer Esiason: And I predict that the green M&M will finally go full porn.

James Brown: Well, sounds like we got a lot to look forward to. Happy Super Bowl everybody. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Dionne Warwick Talk Show

Dionne Warwick… Ego Nwodim

Britney… Punkie Johnson

Harry Styles… Timothée Chalamet

Chef… Andrew Dismukes

Billie Eilish… Melissa Villaseñor

Timothée Chalamet… Chloe Fineman

Machine Gun Kelly… Pete Davidson

[Starts with the show intro]

Male voice: She’s one of a kind. She speaks her mind. A Grammy winner and the queen of Twitter, it’s the Dionne Warwick Talk Show.

[Cut to Dionne Warwick in her set]

Dionne Warwick: Hello. Thank you. Welcome to the Dionne Warwick Talk Show. Maybe you know me from my music or maybe you have heard that I just discovered Twitter and these are actual tweets I tweeted out. [A tweet appears at the bottom of the screen.] “Hi, @chancetherapper, if you are very obviously a rapper, why did you put it in your stage name? I cannot stop thinking bout this.” Or this. [Another tweet appears at the bottom of the screen.] “How do send a tweet to @SnoopDogg? Did I do this correctly?” Thank you as always to my producer, my publicist and my niece, Britney.

[Cut to Britney]

Britney: Oh, hi. Happy to be here, Dionne.

Dionne Warwick: Did Snoop Dogg reply?

Britney: Not yet.

Dionne Warwick: Dang. Alright. Okay. Now, for my standup monologue. [Dionne Warwick stands. There’s music playing.]

[singing] What do you get when you fall in love?
a guy with a pin that burst your bubble

Thank you. Thank you. Let’s bring out our first guest. Harry Styles.

[Harry Styles walks in]

Harry Styles: Ms. Warwick. You’re a legend. I can’t believe it. I’m such a massive fan.

Dionne Warwick: Yes. And who are you?

Harry Styles: I’m Harry Styles. I’m a singer. Sort of essential fashion man and you could say I do it for everyone. [winks at the camera]

Dionne Warwick: No, no. But where do I know you from?

Harry Styles: Maybe you know my song, “Watermelon Sugar.”

Dionne Warwick: What is watermelon sugar?

Harry Styles: Well, I think it’s just about summer but some people think it’s about oral sex.

Dionne Warwick: That’s nasty.

Harry Styles: But, on a woman.

Dionne Warwick: Okay, now I like your ass. I like you a lot. Alright. One last question, Harry Styles. Why is Windy Williams being a bitch to me? She started beefing and now she acting like she can’t finish.

Harry Styles: Oh. I’m sorry. I don’t know who Wendy Williams is.

Dionne Warwick: Oh. I knew I liked your ass. Okay. Alright. Thank you for joining us. That’s enough. Go away. Go away. [Harry Styles leaves] Alright. Go on. Britney, baby, it is exciting to be on TV.

Britney: Oh, yes. Just like when you were on Celebrity Apprentice.

Dionne Warwick: No, I wasn’t. I briefly worked for Donald Trump.

Britney: That was the show, auntie.

Dionne Warwick: I don’t remember it that way. Okay. Now for our cooking segment. [Dionne Warwick stands and walks to the kitchen side. There’s a chef there.]

[singing] Keep smiling, [Chef: Hi, Ms. Walwick] keep shining

[Chef: Today were–] you know you can always count on me
for sure

[Dionne Warwick picks up a dish and eats it.]

hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm

Oh, pretty good. Thank you.

[Dionne Warwick walks back to her couch. The Chef is ignored.]

Alright. Let’s bring out our next guest. Ms. William Eyelash.

[Billie Eilish walks in]

Billie Eilish: Hi. Yeah, my name is actually Billie Eilish. I’m a singer.

[singing] I’m a bad type, making mama mad type
I’m a bad guy.

Dionne Warwick: Mm, that’s wonderful. So, Kesha–

Billie Eilish: No. I’m Billie Eilish.

Dionne Warwick: No, I know. So, why does Kesha have a dollar sign? And also Sia with the wig, she got a nose job or something.

Billie Eilish: Are you just going to keep asking me about other people?

Dionne Warwick: Yes. Now, Billie Eilish, you’re spooky. Can you put a hex on Windy Williams for me?

Billie Eilish: I could try.

Dionne Warwick: Okay. Thanks for coming.

[Billie Eilish leaves]

Okay. Our next guest has been making all my assistants blush. Timothée Chalamet.

[Timothée Chalamet walks in]

Timothée Chalamet: Oh, man. This is crazy. This is so cool.

Dionne Warwick: Okay. You seem young.

Timothée Chalamet: [laughing] Na. Na. Na. Na. [laughing] I guess.

Dionne Warwick: Okay, young man. That’s enough now. Help me with my phone. It is locked and I’m trying to send a clap back at Windy Williams. I just want to clap back.

Timothée Chalamet: Yes, yes.

[Timothée Chalamet takes the phone from Dionne Warwick and gives her his fist for a fist bump.]

Dionne Warwick: No, I don’t want to fist bump. Okay. You can take that back stage buddy. Alright, now.

[Timothée Chalamet walks out.]

Thank you for coming. Thank you for coming. Alright, next guest. Let’s welcome Machine Gun Kelly.

[Machine Gun Kelly walks in]

Machine Gun Kelly: Ae-yo. Wad up?

Dionne Warwick: No. That man is here to kill us.

Britney: No. It’s just his name, auntie.

Dionne Warwick: No. I don’t want to chance it, baby. Get him out of here.

Machine Gun Kelly: Alright. Whatever. Peace.

[Machine Gun Kelly walks out.]

Dionne Warwick: Phew! Much better. Alright. Okay, audience. We have come to the best part of the show. Everyone look under your chairs. Everyone gets a– [music starts]

[singing] Do you know the way to San Jose?

[The audience are looking under their chairs.]

Audience: There is nothing there.

Dionne Warwick: That’s right. I don’t owe you anything. Thank you for watching the Dionne Warwick Talk Show. Snoop, call me, baby!

Canadian News Show

Jean-Lawrence… Bowen Yang

Anne-Marie.. Kate McKinnon

Fred… Mikey Day

Awa-Sene… Issa Rae

[Starts with channel intro]

Male voice: You’re watching CBC, Canadian Broadcasting Corporation. At nine, it’s “Schitt’s Creek” followed by the Shitt’s Creek reboot “Schartt’s Cavern”. But right now, you’re watching “Bonjour Hi!”

[Cut to Jean-Lawrence and Anne-Marie in their set.]

Jean-Lawrence: Bonjour Hi. Welcome to “Bonjour Hi”, the French Canadian morning news show live from Montreal, Montreal- the best parts of Canada and the worst parts of France. My name is Zoro Halls or John Larry. And as always, I’m joined by my beautiful cohost, Annagi.

Anne-Marie: Bonjour Jone.

Jean-Lawrence: Bonjour Hi. Now we do the bouncer. How was your weekend?

Anne-Marie: Well, I suffered an injury and I made love to a surf suley performer. I choke on the big scarf.

Jean-Lawrence: You’re always doing this.

Anne-Marie: Wait, but I went for surgery which was free, of course, and so is my new scarf.

Jean-Lawrence: Pretty. And today, we have with us our colleague from the south. He’s an American journalist quarantined in Canada because of covid, please welcome from Michigan, Jean-Fred.

Fred: Merci for having me. My name is actually Fred.

Jean-Lawrence: Go ahead, I said Jean-Fred.

Fred: No. Just Fred.

Jean-Lawrence: Please welcome Jean-Fred Desjardins.

Fred: Okay.

Jean-Lawrence: Let’s begin today’s update. Bar limits has proposed their controversial resolution for guaranteed universal basic income, but is this just an empty welfare promise? Anne-Marie, your update.

[Jean-Lawrence and Anne-Marie speaking in foreign language]

Jean-Lawrence: Jean-Fred, your thoughts?

Fred: Yes, or no. I’m sorry, I don’t speak whatever French this is.

Jean-Lawrence: [speaking in bad accent] Now, this time for our weekly segment with our Toronto correspondent, Awa-Sene. Awa-Sene, bonjour hi.

Awa-Sene: Bonjour hi. I am Awa-Sene and this is Drake Watch.

Jean-Lawrence: Yes. Our favorite part of the show where we find out if you saw Drake.

Anne-Marie: So, Awa, did you see Barack today?

Awa-Sene: No. This has been Drake Watch.

Fred: I’m sorry. That’s it? That’s the whole segment?

Awa-Sene: Oh, well, I thought I saw Drake but it was just my friend Aten. Aten looks a lot like Drake. And I was confused because he was crying in a basketball court.

Anne-Marie: Did you check anywhere else for Drake?

Awa-Sene: Yes. I almost found him this morning when I saw a man in a wheelchair. But then I remember Drake was only in wheelchair for potential [unintelligible]. So, it was not him.

Anne-Marie: Okay. Merci, Awa. Please keep us post if you see Drake.

Awa-Sene: Of course. This has been Drake Watch. [looking around using binoculars] Yoo-hoo. Drake?

Jean-Lawrence: What an exciting segment. Jean-Fred, do you like Drake?

Fred: I don’t know. I mean, he has kind of fallen off recently. .

[Jean-Lawrence starts shouting at Fred]

Anne-Marie: Jean-Host, do not blow your guest, please.

Fred: How is this a news show?

Jean-Lawrence: And now it’s time for the traffic report.

Anne-Marie: Oh! [puts a cigarette in her mouth] Today I was driving to work in my Pugeot [unintelligible] bridge. I took a left on [unintelligible] and then I parked in [unintelligible] parking garage and traffic was bad.

Jean-Lawrence: Great traffic report.

Fred: You can smoke in the studio?

Jean-Lawrence: Oh, here another, we have a breaking news story and we must start right away.

[Cut back to Awa-Sene]

Awa-Sene: Bonjour Hi, I am at the top of the [unintelligible] tower with a dramatic development in the search for Drake.

Anne-Marie: Oh, Drake is there?

Awa-Sene: No, Drake is not here.

Fred: Then why are you there?

Awa-Sene: Oh, as you can see on the cover of his famous album ‘Views’, Drake [unintelligible] in this very location. So, I thought I should check. But [unintelligible]

Fred: And that’s breaking news?

[Jean-Lawrence starts shouting at Fred again]

Awa-Sene: It is okay. I will continue to follow the [unintelligible] of Drake. I am like famous Canadian actress Rachel McAdams in the film “Spotlight.”

Jean-Lawrence: Rachel McAdams, a beautiful girl.

Anne-Marie: Beautiful girl.

[music playing]

Jean-Lawrence: Ah! We are almost out of time. Thank you to Jean-Fred. Please accept our gift of famous Moguel big weird bagels.

Fred: Oh, okay. These are bagels? Why is everything 25% different here?

Anne-Marie: We say it taste better with the big hole.

Jean-Lawrence: Yes, lick the cream out of the big hole. Since I’m young, I eat the big while hole this wya.

Awa-Sene: Jean-Fred, stick your face, go down on the big hole.

[Fred licks the food]

Fred: I regret doing that on camera.

Jean-Lawrence: Well, it is time to say bye to “Bonjour Hi”. We’re set to go but–

[Jean-Lawrence and Anne-Marie walks front]

Jean-Lawrence and Anne-Marie: That’s the way it is.

[singing] Don’t give up on your faith
and that’s the way

The Drew Barrymore Show

Drew, Reese Witherspoon, Nicole Kidman… Chloe Fineman

Linda… Punkie Johnson

Tom Green… Alex Moffat

Billy Porter… Kenan Thompson

[starts with a show intro]

Male voice: There’s a new face in Daytime.

Drew: Hello to all my beautiful wild flowers.

Male voice: After seeing what went down with Ellen, we took a hard turn in the other direction.

Drew: I am just like you. A Bo-ho free spirit mommy mother movie star since I was six.

Male voice: It’s the Drew Barrymore show.

Drew: How do you do?

Male voice: Tune in to see her have a blast by herself in a big empty studio.

Drew: Holy, moly, oly.

Male voice: Watch as she connects to her Zoom audience.

Drew: Thank you for being my VFF. Virtual Friends Forever.

Male voice: Drew gives back to worthy families in the best way she can.

[Drew is talking to Linda via Zoom in her show]

Drew: How are you holding up?

Linda: You know, it’s been tough. My husband and I are working from home. And we have almost $50,000 in hospital bills.

Drew: I feel that, Linda. And that’s why we’re paying… to renovate your walk in closet! Yay!

Linda: My what?

Male voice: And don’t worry about her being mean to the crew. [Drew runs towards her cameraman to hug him, but he is trying to avoid her.] They say he maintains eye contact too long and is too emotionally supportive.

Drew: I’m a hugger.

Cameraman: No!

Drew: Okay.

Male voice: Be the third wheel in a celebrity catch up.

[Drew is on her show with Reese Witherspoon]

Drew: My best friend Reese Witherspoon, the best woman on earth.

Reese Witherspoon: Girl, you are literally a mom here.

Drew: I marvel at you.

Reese Witherspoon: I love you more than Oprah.

Drew: I love you.

Reese Witherspoon: I love you so much, I want to come into your room and murder you with a butter spoon.

Male voice: Get Drew’s take on the news.

Drew: Hot off the press, brushing your teeth is a game changer.

Male voice: And stay tuned for a harrowing catch up between Drew and her ex-husband Tom Green.

[Drew is on her show with Tom Green]

Drew: It’s been what? 15 years?

Tom Green: Yeah. Daddy, would you like some sausage?

Male voice: You want guests? Drew texts everyone in her phone and interviews whoever shows up.  Like, Nicole Kidman.

[Drew is on her show with Nicole Kidman]

Drew: Thank you for for allowing me to be on your show.

Nicole Kidman: Drew, this is your show.

Drew: Oh my god. Thank you.

Male voice: At least someone’s enjoying 2020.

Drew: And now sensual homosexual Billy Porter singing to a flower.

[Cut to Billy Porter singing to a flower. He is wearing high heels.]

Billy Porter: [singing] Edelweiss
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
Is this happening? Or am I kind of high?

Male voice: The Drew Barrymore show. You’re in your bed anyway. Just watch it!