Please Don’t Destroy – The Stakeout

Ben Marshall

John Higgins

Martin Herlihy

Woody Harrelson

[Starts with Ben Marshall, John Higgins, and Martin Herlihy in their office.]

Ben: Fellaas, what are we up to tonight? You guys come on over play Tony Hawk I’m busy?

John: I’m busy tonight.

Martin: I’m tired tonight.

Ben: You’re busy and you’re tired.

John: But maybe tomorrow.

Ben: Oh yeah. Cool. Cool. No sweat.

Martin: Next time.

[John and Martin leave] [Woody Harrelson walks in knocking the door]

Woody: Hey man. Everything okay with you and your little friends?

Ben: I don’t know. I’m kind of worried they’re hanging out without me.

Woody: Do you think maybe we should follow them to find out?

Ben: Follow them? You don’t mean-?

Woody: Yeah. Stakeout.

[Ben and Woody are following John and Martin. They reach a house.]

Woody: What are they doing out here in the suburbs?

Ben: Whose house is this?

[John and Martin are playing video game together.]

John: Kickflip.

Martin: Oh dude, oli, oli. I just olied.

Ben: Wow, dude. Okay, I’m gonna text them.

[Ben texts them]

John: Who’s that?

Martin: Ben.

[Martin looks at the message and throws the phone into the trash]

Ben: Did he just throw his phone away?

Woody: That’s a low blow. Well, [pulls out a gun] time to go in there and kill them.

Ben: No, man. What?

Woody: We’ll make it look like a robbery.

Ben: Jesus, dude. That’s not why we’re here. We’re just trying to figure out why they bailed on me. What’s going on with them?

[John and Martin are not cuddling]

Ben: They look really cozy.

John: It’s really nice.

Martin: Yes.

[John and Martin start kissing]

Woody: Hey, are they together?

Ben: What?

Woody: Alright, should we head out?

Ben: No, we’re not done, man. Oh my god.

[John is holding a baby]

Woody: They got a baby too.

John: I’ll email them.

Martin: Kids, dino nuggets are ready.

John: Come on, daddy made your favorite.

[two other children run into the kitchen]

Ben: They have a family?

[a teenager joins them at the dinner table]

Woody: Oh-oh, and one moody teen.

Teen: Dino nuggets again?

Martin: Okay, mister, I worked very hard-

John: Okay, radical acceptance.

Ben: This is insane.

Woody: Ben, it’s 2015. It’s not insane to be gay.

Ben: It’s not 2015, man! And I’m not mad they’re gay. I’m mad they have a secret beautiful life they never told me about.

Woody: Well, maybe they’re just afraid to tell anyone.

[Kenan walks in the house]

Kenan: I brought Keesh.

John: Oh my god. Kids, uncle Kenan’s here.

Ben: Uncle Kenan? Okay, well, I’m gonna text him because Kenan wouldn’t lie to me.

[Ben texts Kenan. Kenan checks his phone, shakes his head and throws his phone into the trash]

They can’t just keep throwing their phones away.

Woody: Man, you never saw any signs of this in the past.

Ben: I mean, not that I remember. We would just hang out and laugh together. Maybe they were just afraid to tell me because they were afraid to hurt me. They can’t risk losing me because they love me too much.

Woody: Are you sure?

[The kids are hitting a punching bag that has Ben’s face on it with baseball bats]

Ben: Where did they even get that?

John: Alright, kids. Time for bed. We got work to do.

Ben: Work? What work?

[John and Martin are auditioning for ‘new Ben’]

Martin: Next. Excellent. Whenever you’re ready.

[there are few people who are auditioning for the role]

Woody: It’s like they’re doing auditions to replace you.

Actor: Oh, John, did you get a weird new haircut?

John: Way funnier than Ben?

Ben: Okay, I’m going in there.

John: And Saturdays, you’re available? Because-

Martin: Ben, it’s not what it looks like.

Ben: Then tell me what it is.

Martin: John and I have a secret family and we’re holding auditions to replace you.

Ben: That’s what I thought it was. This is insane, man. Why are you doing this?

John: You’re right, man. What are we doing? We shouldn’t be holding auditions to replace him.

Martin: Because the group would be fine if it was just us two.

Ben: Wha?

John: But we wouldn’t do that to you. Because there’s only one you.

Martin: And you are irreplaceable. Right, Ben?

[Woody is wearing red wig. He has already replaced Ben.]

Woody: Thanks, guys. Bad Boys for life. Man. I feel like we’re back at NYU right now.

[Cut to John and Martin watching the video at their office.]

Martin: Oh my God, he is so much better than Bne.

John: He’s the perfect replacement.

Weekend Update- Milly Pounds and Shirty on the British Monarchy

Michael Che

Milly Pounds… James Austin Johnson

Shirty… Devon Walker

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: The United Kingdom will be crowning its new king and queen soon launching a new era of the British Monarchy. Here to comment our British rappers Milly Pounds and Shirty.

[Milly Pounds and Shirty slide in] [cheers and applause]

Milly Pounds: Thanks Che.

Michael Che: So guys, what’s going on with the royal family? I mean can you give us an update?

Milly Pounds: Right, right, okay, listen mate. Okay. All the focus is on the Royals, right? When it should be on England’s exploitative tabloid press, right? It’s Pants, mate.

Shirty: Pants.

Milly Pounds: Rubbish mate.

Shirty: Pants mate.

Michael Che: Sorry?

Shirty: It’s pants, okay? It’s pants.

Michael Che: What are the pants?

Milly Pounds: It’s pants. The main door boy area, right? We know what really goes down? We’ve known Harry since our days at Eton.

Michael Che: You guys went to Eton?

Shirty: Yeah. Eton your mom’s bum.

Milly Pounds: No, but seriously, look, look. If you want us to sum up our thoughts, take up the pods and hear me all right. Because we have a way of talking back in the ends.

[music playing]

Ay.

Shirty: Shirty.

Milly Pounds: Milly Pounds

Shirty: Yeah.

Milly Pounds: [rapping] Prince Harry, Prince Harry
stayed over at Tyler Perry’s
press cold like Brandon Jerris
I’m allergic to dairy

Shirty: Harry and Megan
Ronald Reagan
Inter-racial dating
Queen said not today
the king is coming like
I slide down the road like
your girl saw me like
mans like me got a million shooters
coz I stay hot like Yan Wudus

Michael Che: Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, Stop. Who is Yan Wudus?

Milly Pounds: Che, why did you stop it, mate? We shed so many facts.

Shirty: Facts.

Michael Che: You really didn’t.

Milly Pounds: Okay listen, it’s not all chicken shops and tika masala.

Shirty: Glasgow.

Milly Pounds: But I think this next verse will really shine a light on what’s happening where we come from. Right?

[music playing] [rapping] Rishi Sunak, Prime Minister, you know that
he got styles like Harry, I’m allergic to dairy

Shirty: kicking hard

your boyfriend’s poor
I make more
I chat online with your girl on computers
because I stay hot like Yan Wudus

Michael Che: Okay, wait, wait. What is phew, phew. What is that? I grew up in New York in the 90s. Okay, so I consider myself a pretty fricative fresh guy when it comes to hip hop. But I’ve never heard that before.

Milly Pounds: Okay, you see, back home, we don’t really have guns, do we? But we do have little tiny knives that we carry with us at all times. And those kinds of sound likes phew, phew.

Michael Che: Okay. Okay, but who is Yan Wudus?

Milly Pounds: Oh, he’s like a semi obscure Dutch footballer from the 80s.

Michael Che: I get it. You guys like soccer? So can you at least tell us what the Brits feel about FIFA?

Milly Pounds: How do the Brits feel about FIFA? Check it.

[music playing] [rapping] FIFA corrupt,
your girl told me “What’s up?”
I told her I’m tryna see that butt
I’m allergic to dairy

Shirty: FIFA soccer
tea, no coffee
Milly and me on a Vespa scooter
because I stay hot like Yan Wudus

Michael Che: Millly Pounds and Shirty, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Genetics Company Reviving the Dodo Bird, Bear Poses for Selfies

 

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of a dodo.]

Colin Jost: A genetic engineering company has announced plans to bring back the long extinct dodo bird, but only for a limited time at Arby’s.

Male voice: Arby’s, we have the dodo’s.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of AMC logo.]

Michael Che: AMC Theaters is celebrating Black History Month by offering $5 tickets to recently released black led movies like “Wakanda Forever” and “The Woman King.” They’re also honoring black people by starting the movie 20 minutes late. Did you get that Colin?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a bear.]

Colin Jost: I don’t know. I don’t know what you’re talking about. Police officials in Colorado say that a bear discovered a wildlife camera in the woods and posed for more than 400 selfies. 400 selfies of a bear is also known as a Grindr profile.

[picture changes to a smartphone]

The US Surgeon General is warning that children are joining social media at too young and age, and they should wait until they’re at least Colin Jost6, when they’re hotter.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a house.]

Michael Che: A new study finds that despite women making less money than men, more single women in the US own homes than single men. Thanks to a phenomenon economist called divorce.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of chicken wings.]

Colin Jost: Whoo, divorce. A school official in Illinois has been arrested on charges of stealing over $1 million worth of chicken wings. Said the official, “I swear, I was gonna give all the money back.”

Michael Che: No, don’t.

The Big Hollywood Quiz

Jack Del Mar… Bowen Yang

Robert… Pedro Pascal

Jacqueline… Ego Nwodim

Mary… Chloe Fineman

Announcer: It’s time for the big Hollywood quiz. Here’s your host Jack Del Mar.

Jack: [singing] Light shines so brightly on Chaplin and garble
tonight we delight in James Dean and Jean Harlow
where legends of the past meet the stars of tomorrow
on the Big Hollywood Quiz

Thank you. Thank you. Welcome to the show that’s all about entertainments. Let’s meet our contestants. First Roberts is the professor of Film Studies at Tisch School of the arts.

Robert: Hi, Jack.

Jack: Next, Jacqueline is an entertainment writer for USA Today.

Jacqueline: Great to be here.

Jack: Finally, Mary hosts her own show on the history of Hollywood. What kind of show was it Mary?

Mary: It’s a podcast.

Jack: Oh, okay. Well, our categories are the movies, the shows, the stars, and Hooray. Robert, you’re first.

Robert: Thanks, Jack. We got to start with movies.

Jack: We got to this question is from the 1950s. In “All About Eve”, she famously said, “Fasten your seat belts, it’s going to be a bumpy ride.” Robert, you buzzed in first.

Robert: One and only, Betty Davis.

Jack: Yes, that’s $500. You’re on the board. Moving over to the shows. This one is from the 80s. In 1983, this TV show set during the Korean War had a finale watched by over 100 million viewers. Jacqueline.

Jacqueline: Mash, and it was watched by 106 million.

Jack: That’s it. $500 for you. Great job. Now let’s go over to the 2020s. This breakout hit is the current number one show on Netflix. It’s Ginny & …? [all three contestants are quiet] No one? It’s the most watched show on the most watched streaming service in the world. No? Gini & …?

Robert: Juice?

Jack: No. It was Gini & Georgia. Gini & Georgia season two.

Jacqueline: Is that from Europe?

Jack: No. It’s totally American. Okay, Robert, pick a catJacquelinery.

Robert: Let’s go to Hurray.

Jack: Great. These are all about awards sticking with the 2020s. This film written and directed by Sarah Polley has been nominated for Best Picture this year. [all three contestants are quiet] No one? I’ll give you a hint. It has an all female cast featuring Oscar winner Francis McDormand.

Robert: 80 for Brady.

Jack: No. Anyone else?

Jacqueline: Can you give us a hint?

Jack: It’s women talking.

Robert: Be more specific.

Jack: No, that’s the title. “Women Talking”. It’s a wonderful film. Do you all watch much TV or movies?

Jacqueline: I do, at least 12 hours a day.

Jack: Yikes. Here’s the next question. Just last week, Andrea Riseborough was nominated for an Oscar for her role in which movie? [all three contestants are quiet] Anyone? Andrea Riseborough. They say it was the best performance of her career.

Jacqueline: Career?

Jack: It was “To Lesley.” That’s right, “To Lesley”. It’s great. You should really see it because so far it’s made $27,300.

Mary: Okay, that’s not a lot for opening weekend.

Jack: It’s been out for four months.

Robert: Can I make a request, Jack? Can we do a question with some big movie stars, people we would all know.

Jack: Sure. Like who?

Robert: I don’t know. Nicole Kidman?

Jack: Absolutely. Here’s one. This past year Nicole Kidman starred in this “darkly feminist drama” on Apple TV.

Robert: Wednesday?

Jack: No. Anyone? Nobody? It was Roar. That’s right. Roar.

Jacqueline: No.

Jack: Yes. Okay, let’s do Samuel L. Jackson. Everyone knows him, right? This past year Samuel L Jackson starred in this critically acclaimed drama on Apple TV.

Robert: Wednesday.

Jack: No. Sorry, it was “The Last Days of Ptolemy Grey”.

Mary: Oh, come on. You got to be kidding me.

Jack: I’m totally serious.

Robert: Jack, please. I’m sure the shows are great. But where did all the big popular movies go?

Jack: Oh, they’re still here. They’re just in your phone and you can watch them on the toilet. Ha-ha-ha. Okay. No one is in the lead. Let’s just move on to the speed round. Robert, you’re still in control. Our era is the 80s.

Robert: Great.

Jack: Here’s the question. But year 1989 featured movies like “The Little Mermaid,” “When Harry Met Sally,” “Batman,” “Dead Poets Society,” and “Do the right thing.” Robert, named three movies from the past five years.

Robert: Oh, wow. Three Okay. Wow, Top Gun.

Jack: Okay, that’s one.

Robert: Great. Oh gosh. The Hangover?

Jack: That was 20 years ago.

Robert: The night man.

Jack: Sounds like you’re just saying words. Come on. All you need is one. Can’t you just name one more movie?

Robert: No.

Jack: That’s right. “No.” You’ve won the speed round.

Robert: Yay. Why?

Jack: Now, just take the win, Robert. When we come back, these three will try to guess what Julia Roberts is doing on Stars. Bye.

Weekend Update- Michael Che’s Doorman Carl on the New York Rental Market

Carl… Kenan Thompson

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: New York is expected to be the most expensive rental market in 2023. Here to talk about it is the new doorman to my building, Carl.

[Carl slides in]

Carl: Ay! What’s up, Mr. Che? How are you doing, man? Just a little reminder, I noticed that you haven’t given me end of the year tip yet.

Michael Che: You just started.

Carl: Oh, well maybe soon then. Mam, you remember that night when things got wild? I talked to the police for you?

Michael Che: I don’t remember that.

Carl: I know right?

Michael Che: Yeah.

Carl: Hard to keep track of all the crazy nights when Mr. Michael Che is your tenant. Tough to remember which night is wild? And which night is just ruggle? Oh man, we living that life, Che.

Michael Che: We?

Carl: Yeah, man. We doing the damn thing? My dog. [looking around] So what’s this? What do you do here, man?

Michael Che: This is SNL, man. It’s my job.

Carl: Oh, okay. Oh, so you just out here making the big bucks in a half suit and jeans. Hey buddy, Che. Che.

Michael Che: What, man?

Carl: You know that lady came around looking for you again. Right?

Michael Che: Who?

Carl: You know the one. That lady. She like, real smart.

Michael Che: All right.

Carl: Always mad. She came to the building again asking about you, man. But don’t worry. I told her you moved to Jamaica. I did good, right?

Michael Che: Why would you say that? I’m absolutely here in New York on live TV right now.

Carl: Yeah, she ain’t watching.

Michael Che: Okay, well, thank you Carl.

Carl: Hey, Che! Che! You know, that little kid came around looking for you, right? He was talking about, “Tell Che my mama said he got to take me to the zoo.” He said his name was DeMichael or something. I don’t know, man. I’m just a vessel.

Michael Che: Oh my god. That’s not my kid.

Carl: That’s right. That’s what I told that little dummy. That’s right. Che, teamwork make the dream work. Up top, man.

Michael Che: Well, thank you for stopping by man. I really—

Carl: Hey, Che! You know, that dog came around looking for you, right? He got that bark like, “Hrrr, hrrr, Che, Che, Che, Che.” I swear, that’s what he’d be saying, man. I understood the dog talking. Yeah. Hey, man. Who is Cornelius?

Michael Che: I don’t know.

Carl: You sure? Because every night at eight o’clock, this man shows up and leaves one shoe on my desk and says, “Tell Michael Chang this is from Cornelius. And if he wants the other shoe, tell him to meet me under the bridge.” Bro, New York is wild, man.

Michael Che: Okay, now I know you have to go. I mean, I mean, who’s watching the building right now?

Carl: Oh, no. Don’t worry. I put a sign up there, says “If you look up Michael Che, just call 9Carl7-7Carl—

Michael Che: No, don’t give them my phone number.

Carl: Why not?

Michael Che: That’s against the rules.

Carl: It is? Well, I guess that’s why I’m a doorman and you here making crazy money using that desk to hide your dirty jeans.

Michael Che: Carl, my doorman, everybody.

Carl: Hey man, there were six cats looking for you.

Weekend Update- Angel on the Return of Wendy’s Vanilla Frosty

Michael Che

Angel… Heidi Gardner

Creed… Michael B. Jordan

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: This week Wendy’s announced they’d be bringing back their vanilla frosty after a brief hiatus in 2022. Here to talk about it with her good news report is every boxers girlfriend from every boxing movie about boxing ever.

[Angel slides in]

Angel: Hi, hi.

Michael Che: How are you doing? How are you, Angel?

Angel: I’ve been better.

Michael Che: Does your boyfriend Tommy have a fight tonight?

Angel: He better not. Because the last guy hit Tommy so hard, there’s no more clams in his shoulder. I love him so much. But I swear to God, if he fights again, I’m taking the kids to my sister’s.

Michael Che: Got it. Well, in good news, the Vanilla Frosty is making a comeback.

Angel: Oh, come on.

Michael Che: What is it?

Angel: Wendy’s? You think of a Vanilla Frosty has a shot going up against chocolate? You’re sick? So Vanilla Frosty, if I see you back on the value menu, I’m not taking the kids to Wendy’s. I’m taking the kids to my sister’s. All of them. All of them. Mikey, Nikki, Pepper, Quinoa and the twin.

Michael Che: You’ve been doing okay, Angel?

Angel: Barely, barely. I’m doing a lot better than Tommy I can tell you that. Creed ruined him, Che.

Michael Che: Wait, Tommy fought Adonis Creed.

Angel: Creed hit Tommy so hard, his eye flew out. Landed in Pepper’s lap. The one night I forgot to take the kids on my sister’s.

Michael Che: Jesus.

Angel: So where is he? I know Creed’s here. You’ve been advertising the fight all week. Creed versus Lil Baby live on Peacock.

Michael Che: No. Angel, there’s no fight tonight.

Angel: Oh yeah?

Michael Che: No.

Angel: Then what’s all this? Cameras. Sold out crowd. I’m looking at Jamie Foxx at Gina Gershaun sit in front row next to cocaine bear.

Michael Che: That’s just a black guy sitting next to a white woman in a big coat.

Angel: I don’t care. I want Creed.

[Creed slides in] [cheers and applause]

Creed: Angel.

Angel: Adonis creed, you know you’re the reason my kids dad watches more sesame street than they do?

Creed: You ever think about us, Angel?

Angel: Don’t.

Creed: Huh? Remember? Before Tommy, there was Creedy.

Angel: You remember Lil Nicky? He’s yours, Creed.

Creed: What? Tommy never asked why one of his kids is black?

Angel: Tommy don’t see color.

Creed: That’s nice.

Angel: No, he don’t see any color, numbers or shapes. His potato is baked, Creedy.

Creed: Angel, look at me. You’re coming home with me tonight.

Angel: But what about Tommy? What about the kids?

Creed: Listen, from now on, I’m taking the kids to your sister’s.

[Angel and Creed hug each other]

Michael Che: Every boxer’s girlfriend and Adonis Creed, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update: April Ludgate and Leslie Knope on Working for the Government

Colin Jost

April Ludgate… Aubrey Plaza

Leslie Knope…Amy Poehler

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: According to a recent study, local governments are having trouble hiring new employees. Here to encourage young people to get involved in local government is a longtime employee of the city of Pawnee, Indiana, April Ludgate.

[April Ludgate slides in]

April Ludgate: Hi.

Colin Jost: Hi, April.

April Ludgate: What?

Colin Jost: Nothing. You just said you came out here to talk about local government?

April Ludgate: I will when you stop yelling at me. Okay, fine. So yeah, everybody should get involved where they live. If you’re young, you should get a job as a garbage man or something.

Colin Jost: Okay. Are there other jobs?

April Ludgate: You want me to list them? Okay? Fine. Driver a bus, You don’t have to be on time. Nobody cares. Work for the water department. You can drain the reservoir and find all the bodies and murder clues. Or just be a dog catcher and just say you couldn’t find any. Because when you work for the local government, doing the bare minimum is doing your part.

Colin Jost: Okay, all right. Okay, but what if you actually want to work hard?

April Ludgate: I don’t know. You’re annoying me. Just ask my old boss, Leslie Knope.

[Leslie Knope slides in]

Leslie Knope: Whooo. Hi, April. Hi, Colin. Hi, Michael Che. Wow. Look at this. Who knew there were cameras in SNL?

Colin Jost: Yeah, yeah. So So you work for the government?

Leslie Knope: Yeah. Park Service. Yeah. So how much fun is it working here? Do you guys just sit around cracking each other up all day?

Colin Jost: Not like 8am, but yeah, generally. How does it take to run a federal agency?

Leslie Knope: Well, all you do is you show up every day and you do the job. But I want to pick your brain about this job. About this show. Because I used to watch this when Seth Meyers did it by himself with no one else. And he made it look really easy.

Colin Jost: Yeah, yeah. So you said you were here to talk about the government?

Leslie Knope: Yeah, but quick question, President Biden, when he zoomed in before could he see me or were the cameras off?

Colin Jost: I think he pre recorded that.

Leslie Knope: Ah, I thought the show was live.

Colin Jost: Most of it is.

April Ludgate: Oh my god. Can we just please go? This guy has been bothering me for half an hour.

Leslie Knope: Yeah. We can’t stay long. We have a timed entry tickets to the m&m store. But before we go, and may I be so bold, do you mind if I tried to tell a joke?

Colin Jost: I would love it.

[Colin Jost and Leslie Knope swap chairs]

Leslie Knope: Ah. This feels good. This feels nice. Okay, let’s see what you got. Okay. All right. Oh, no, that’s to mean. Oh, what? No, that’s way too mean. What? No. Okay, I’ll do this one. [There’s a picture of an article that says “Bus service for puppies”.] Town in Alaska has launched a bus service for puppies. The service has expanded to puppies. Thanks to the heroic activism of canine civil rights icon, Rosa Barks. Whooo. That felt good.
April Ludgate: For Weekend Update, I’m April Ludgate.

Leslie Knope: I’m Leslie Knope.

The Black Lotus

Kenan Thompson

Chloe Fineman

James Austin Johnson

Heidi Gardner

Punkie Johnson

Sarah Sherman

Aubrey Plaza

Andrew Dismukes

Ego Nwodim

[Starts with Chloe walking into a hotel]

Kenan: Welcome, ma’am, checking in?

Chloe: Yes, I am. It’s just- Oh, gosh, I forgot my credit card. I must have left it in the limousine. Is that okay? Can you trust me?

Kenan: No, I can’t.

Chloe: I’ll have it in a couple of hours.

Kenan: Well then come back in a couple of hours. All right? I don’t know you. I’m trying to run a business.

Male voice: Coming soon to HBO, Black Lotus. All the decadence, all the intrigue. None of the foolishnness.

James: These two ladies are going to be visiting me over the next couple of days. So if you just go ahead and give them a key.

Ego: Yes, sir. Ay William, give these whores a spare key to the room.

James: Could you please talk little quiet.

Ego: Okay, William, you see this man right here? He didn’t come with nobody so he wants these hoes to come and go as they please. Everybody, treat these house like their regular people.

Kenan: Sir, You do realize that giving them a key allows them to charge anything they want to the room?

James: Yes, it’s fine. It’s fine.

Kenan: Oh, it’s fine. Oh, okay, so you rich-rich then.

Male voice: Eight wealthy tourists, one luxury hotel and a staff with no time for this nonsense.

Punkie: Sir, will your friends be joining us or is he still upstairs fucking your wife? Hah! I got next.

Sarah: Can we borrow Vespa scooter overnight?

Kenan: Oh, we don’t have scooters, ma’am. But I could offer you the hotel’s 1999 Chrysler 300. A baby is the car back?

Aubrey: Why don’t you go look yourself?

Kenan: Because you as the last one to take it out.

Aubrey: Does he look like I’m still out?

Sarah: Jack is taking me out to the countryside today.

Ego: To the countryside? Didn’t you all just meet?

Sarah: Yeah. Crazy, right?

Michael: We’re going on an adventure.

Ego: How nice, y’all enjoy now okay? Bye-bye. He gonna kill her.

Kenan: Um-hmm.

Male voice: Guests that have everything. And a staff that’s had enough.

Chloe: Hi. Excuse me. I’m sorry. I’m having a bit of a crisis. Do you know where I can find your psychic or fortune teller?

Ego: A fortune teller? Not in here. This is Jesus’s house.

Marcello: I just can’t believe it. I give her $50,000 and she totally played me.

Aubrey: Oh my god. What is wrong with you? What did you think will happen? There’s plenty of hoes out there who’ve never slept with your papi at school. [foreign language] For that kind of money, I will let you take me for a throw but you will know what to do with a real ass.

Male voice: Black Lotus, each season at a new exotic location. Like Atlanta, Washington DC, and It’ly.

Heidi: Hey, beautiful. You’ll let me sing tonight. Right? I’m good. I promise I won’t let you down.

Ego: Oh, you want to sing? You think you can replace Kenny in the Kirk Franklin lounge?

Heidi: You know what? I think I’ll sit this one out.

Ego: I think that’d be best. Yeah.

Andrew: I paid for the Coppa suite, so I should get the Coppa suite. I don’t understand why that’s so damn hard?

Kenan: Sir, it’s like I told you. It’s just not available.

Andrew: Well then make it available, moron.

Aubrey: Oh no, you’re not gonna do that. No, no, no, no, no, no no. [Aubrey runs and hits Andrew] [foreign language]

Andrew: Oh my god.

Kenan: Welcome to Black Lotus bitch.

Male voice: Black Lotus, bring your hopes, bring your designers. Don’t you dare bring an attitude.

Police: Folks, found a body on the beach. Did anybody see anything?

Kenan: That ain’t none of my business.

Devon: I know nothing about that.

Police: So no one saw body wash up from the ocean?

Ego: is the ocean to hotel because I work at the hotel?

Male voice: Black Lotus, coming to HBO and Stars spring 2023.

The Phrase That Pays

Dan Smatter… James Austin Johnson

Beth… Heidi Gardner

Troy… Austin Butler

Evie… Evie Johnson

[Starts with Dan Smatter in his show set]

Dan Smatter: Hey everybody, I’m Dan Smatter, and welcome to another great round of ‘The Phrase That Pays’. The game where three players can find the  missing letters in our word puzzles for big big prizes.

[Beth presses the buzzer.]

Yes?

Beth: So this is the wheel of fortune but with no wheel?

Dan Smatter: Don’t do that. That’s not nice. We have three great contestants, Evie, Troy and Beth. We don’t really have time for a fun fact from everybody. So I don’t know. Why don’t you just go down the line and tell everyone your ages.

Evie: Really? Okay. 36.

Troy: 34.

Beth: No.

Dan Smatter: Great. Let’s look at the first puzzle. The category is song. And Evie, let’s start with you.

Evie: Well, my favorite letter is B because I’m a bad one. But I’m gonna save that for later in the game. For now, let’s just go with T.

Dan Smatter: There is one T. You’ve got five seconds to solve.

Evie: Oh. Mama. Mama said… Mama. Mama whale. Mama can… Mama did a… Mama will…

[buzzer sound]

Dan Smatter: I’m sorry Evie. It’s not that. It’s not anything mamma. Troy, you’re up?

Troy: Okay. It’s not Hotel California is it?

[It’s right answer.]

Dan Smatter: Wow. Alright. Troy, I thought you were gonna get another letter but you went and solved the whole thing. How do you do that?

Troy: Well…

Beth: Yeah. How did you do that?

Troy: Well, you said it was a song and Hotel California is a song. So I thought maybe it was Hotel California.

Dan Smatter: Well, you’ve banked $1,000. Here’s our next puzzle. The category is books. And we’ll start with Beth.

Beth: Okay, I got a lot of letters going through my mind right now. Trying to think of a common one. How about X?

[wrong answer buzzer]

Dan Smatter: Sorry Beth, but there’s no X.

Beth: Yes there is, I see one right there. [pointing at a cross on the screen]

Dan Smatter: Oh, that just comes up when you make a wrong guess. That is a little confusing. Evie, you’re up.

Evie: Okay, I’m not ready use my B just yet. But is there a C?

Dan Smatter: There’s one scene. You’ve got five seconds.

Evie: Okay. Mama won’t… Daddy. Daddy will? Daddy mama did?

[buzzer]

Dan Smatter: Sorry Evie, time’s up.

Evie: I was so close.

Dan Smatter: Not even in the ballpark. Troy?

Troy: Is it ‘All the lights We Cannot See’ by Anthony Doerr?

Dan Smatter: Amazing. Are you a book lover, Troy?

Troy: No, actually, I haven’t done that yet.

Dan Smatter: Write a book?

Troy: It’s on my list.

Beth: Okay, something’s not right here.

Dan Smatter: You’re right. We need a new puzzle because Troy’s on a roll, and Troy, your category is famous quotes.

Troy: Well, my favorite letter is B because I’m a bad one.

Evie: What’s?

Troy: So I’m gonna say B.

Dan Smatter: Five seconds.

Troy: Wow, I’m completely stumped. Yeah, I have no idea. My mind is a total blank. I give up.

[Right answer bell. The answer is actually what he just said.]

Dan Smatter: Oh my God. That’s right.

Beth: What? That is not a famous quote.

Dan Smatter: Yes, it is. It says here Benjamin Franklin said it when he was trying to think of the light bulb.

Beth: Okay, well, that’s not right. And he’s cheating. He’s got a device in his ass like that chess player.

Troy: No, I don’t.

Dan Smatter: Okay, okay. We have time for one more category which is medicine. Like to guess, Beth? Or would you rather come play?

Beth: Fine, I’ll play. And I gotta go with my gut, X.

Dan Smatter: There’s no X.

Beth: Yes there is. [pointing at the cross on screen]

Dan Smatter: No there isn’t. Troy. The categories medicine.

Troy: Oh, well, I don’t know anything about that. Is it Ellen Pompeo feel super happy after Grey’s Anatomy exit? [It’s the right answer]

Beth: Okay, no. He is definitely cheating and there’s an ‘X’ in that.

Dan Smatter: What? Oh yeah. Sorry. Who cares? Well, we’ll be right back with more Phrase that Pays.

Weekend Update- Kurt and Deb from Wyoming on Rekindling the Spark

Colin Jost

Kurt… Mikey Day

Deb… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: A new book aimed at helping married couples rekindle the spark in the bedroom is showing up on several holiday must have lists. Here it’s authors Kurt and Deb from Wyoming. [Kurt and Deb slide in] Hey guys, so why don’t you tell us about how this book came about?

Kurt: Yeah, well, Deb and me have been married close to 20 years now.

Deb: Uh huh.

Kurt: Things kind of fizzled out in bed.

Deb: Uh huh.

Kurt: Well, we discovered my wife’s got a talent for doing voices of famous people. So we took that out into the bedroom.

Colin Jost: Okay, so sort of like role playing?

Kurt: Yeah, but with celebrities. For example, we’ll show you our technique at wor. Baby, you want to show him Drew Barrymore? You’re gonna like this.

Deb: [in Drew Barrymore’s voice]Oh my god, that feels amazing.

Kurt: Do you like that, Drew Barrymore?

Deb: Yes, it’s fantastic.

Kurt: Yeah? How much? How much you like it?

Deb: So much.

Kurt: Louder. Come on.

Deb: It’s literally blowing my mind.

Kurt: Louder, come on.

Deb: It’s so orgasmic.

Kurt: Whoo! I’m half master.

Colin Jost: Yeah, I know.

Kurt: Is that not hot as hell?

Colin Jost: I can see. Yes. I know we’re all getting really turned on.

Kurt: Yeah, you are. Horn dog. So Drew is a good girl but she does bad girls too like that Russian con artists lady from Inventing Anna. You know? Do Anna Delvey for him. Come on?

Deb: [in Anna Delvey’s voice] Ah, you’re nothing little boy.

Kurt: Yes Miss Delvey. Miss Delvey is a dom. Yes, Miss Delvey.

Deb: You’re so weak and poor.

Kurt: Yeah, come on. Please, ruin my credit score. Ruin my credit score.

Deb: Oh, my orgasm is on the way.

Kurt: Yeah, it is, Miss Delvey. Yeah. Damn.

Colin Jost: Thank you. That’s great. I’m curious. Easy. I’m curious how many voices does she do?

Kurt: Man? I think I’ve made love to about thousand celebrities at this point. I mean, last night I was with the Ms. Meryl Streep. Come on baby.

Deb: I gotta use a prop.

Kurt: Yeah, you can use a prop.

Deb: [in Meryl Streep’s voice] Oh, well, you know. Oh, well, that’s delicious.

Kurt: Yeah?

Deb: Oh, well, it’s utterly divine.

Kurt: Oh, you’re so talented.

Deb: Oh yeah, it’s like lovely music.

Kurt: Yeah?

Deb: I finished.

Kurt: There it is. Whoo.

Michael Che: I got a question. Does she do any black ones?

Kurt: No, she does not. But she can do what’s your name? Scarlett Johansson. Do you know her?

Colin Jost: Yes, I do.

Kurt: You know her?

Colin Jost: Yes.

Kurt: Have you seen her? What’s that movie? “Under her skin”?

Colin Jost: I don’t think. I think it’s “Under The Skin”.

Kurt: “Under the skin.” Of course, you know what it’s called, horn dog. Look at you correcting me. 24 minutes 11 seconds, whoo! All right.  Do Scarlett.

Deb: [in Scarlett Johansson’s voice] Hey, I’m married to Colin, but I need a real man.

Kurt: Yeah. Yeah, you do. Why don’t you get over here, Black Widow? Come on, Black Widow. This spider bites, Colin.

Colin Jost: Alright, thanks. I think we’re good on that one. I just want to point out Kurt, it does seem like Deb kind of does all the work while you just sort of reap the benefits.

Kurt: Okay, yeah. I’m not as good at voices as Deb. But I can’t say like one thing as a few cartoon characters. And Deb, bless her heart, she got into it. Didn’t you?

Deb: I love Little Stewy.

Kurt: You want me to do Little Stewy?

Deb: Uh-huh.

Kurt: Hello, Brian.

Deb: What are you gonna do to me, Little Stewy?

Kurt: Hello, Brian.

Deb: Now, do Mr. Burns.

Kurt: Oh yeah?

Deb: Now, do Mr. Burns.

Kurt: Excellent.

Deb: Yeah, bitch. Yeah, bitch. Now do Shaggy from Scooby Doo.

Kurt: Oh, you want Shaggy? Do you deserve it? Wow. Scoobs. Joinks. Scoob. Joinks.

Colin Jost: All right, thank you so much, Deb and Kurt from Wyoming. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.