Tag: The

The Holiday Train

James Austin Johnson

Steve Martin

Martin Short

Cecily Strong

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with people traveling inside a train]

james: Final boarding for whatever the stop is before you get to Buffalo.

Steve: I have heard so much about Buffalo, I can hardly wait to get there.

Cecily: Wow. A real Christmas in Buffalo. It’s finally happening.

Martin: Just like dear old Pepoo and Moomoo used to talk about.

Cecily: They’d be so proud of us.

Steve: Well, minus some of the stuff we’ve done.

Kenan: Well, I’m glad I sat with you three. You seem like a fun group.

Steve: You know what? We are fun. Thank you for noticing that.

Martin: Where are you heading, mister. Are you going to Buffalo too? Or Buffalo three? That’s my buffalo joke that I do often.

Kenan: No, I’m just hanging there on business. The only reason anyone would want to go to Buffalo.

Cecily: Only reason? But it’s the best place to see it.

Kenan: See what?

Martin: Are you messing with us? Snow of course.

Cecily, Steve and Martin: [singing] Snow, snow, snow

Martin: It won’t be long before we’ll be there with snow

Cecily: Snow, I want to wash my hands my hair
and ass with snow

Kenan: Oh, wow. That sounds cold. You must really like snow.

Steve: We don’t know, sir. We’ve never seen it. Not in person anyway.

Snow, I want to go outside and talk to bunch of snow

Cecily: Snow, to kiss a great big man entirely made of snow

Martin: Just kiss? You know you never just kiss.

Cecily: Okay. Yeah, maybe more. I’m just so excited for snow. If I close my eyes. I feel like I can almost see it

[They all stand and dance. The train set changes to a snowing montain.]

All: Where it’s snowing? Oh winter crew
what’s where I want to be
Steve: Snowball eating, that’s what I’ll do

Kenan: Eating?

Martin: Oh, I’m going to sleep all night in the snow.

Kenan: Sleep in the snow? Are you crazy?

Steve: For snow.

Kenan: Now I’m excited for snow.

What is Christmas with no Snow?

Martin: No white Christmas with no snow

All: Snow

Cecily: I’ll wash my hair with snow

Kenan: Why not?

Steve: Fill my underwear with snow

Kenan: If that’s your thing.

Martin: And when I see the snow
I’m gonna know is snow

Kenan: I would hope so.

All: Snow.

Kenan: So you really never seen snow? Where are you from?

Martin: The woods.

Kenan: The woods?

Cecily: Yes.

Kenan: Isn’t there snow there?

Cecily: Oh, tons. But we always sleep through it.

Steve: Otherwise we wouldn’t survive the winter.

Martin: No. Don’t worry about that. That’s why we have all these nuts with us.

Kenan: Oh wow. Nuts?

Cecily: [yelling] Those are ours!

Kenan: Okay. Sorry. Listen, it’s getting late.

I’d love to stay up late with you,
but like to get some
should I go to sleep?
And dream…

[The train background set comes back in]

All: Of snow, snow, snow, snow.

[train bell ringing]

Cecily: Well, that song made me sleepy. You know the rules.

Martin: But if you fall asleep, we break the spell.

Kenan: What’s spell?

Steve: Oh, that we won’t get our Christmas wish. Oh brother.

Kenan: What wish?

James: Aw, I was really hoping they’d make it this time. Those bears make the same Christmas wish every year to turn into humans and ride the train to Buffalo to see snow. But they always fall asleep and Hibernate.

[Kenan is now sitting with three big bears]

Kenan: Bears? What are you talking…? Hey, wake up. It’s snowing outside.

James: Shush. Don’t wake them up. Are you insane? They’ll kill us. They’re bears.

Kenan: Oh. Good point. Well, Merry Christmas bears. [sees nuts] Oh nuts.

Bear: Those are ours!

Father of the Bride

George… Steve Martin

Annie… Heidi Gardner

Diane Keaton… Chloe Fineman

Martin Short… Franck

Bowen Yang

Selena Gomez

[Starts with a video clip of a beautiful house]

Male voice: This is our home. 24 Maple drive. We bought it when Annie was in grammar school. She even got married here. So many memories.

[Cut to Steve looking outside the window.]

Heidi: Hey, daddy.

Steve: Is that my beautiful daughter?

Heidi: Guess what? I’m engaged again.

Male voice: Father of the Bride, Part 8. Three decades and seven divorces later, Annie’s back and ready to give marriage an 8th shot.

Steve: Annie, what makes you think I can afford an 8th dancy Meyers style wedding? I’m financially drained.

Heidi: But daddy, I’m your little girl.

Steve: You’re 52. Your mom started driving for Lyft to pay your last wedding.

Chloe: Well, jeez. Okay, so did someone say mom?

Male voice: Diane Keaton is back. And more Diane Keaton than ever. She’s an icon in beige. And we’re here for her.

Steve: So who the hell is planning this thing? Don’t tell me… Oh my god, don’t tell me it’s…

[Martin and Bowen walks in]

Martin: Hello. Oh my favorite. Look at you. Hello George.

Steve: No, not again, Franck. I can’t do this, Howard.

Bowen: Hi, George. You still have an outstanding balance from the 5th wedding. You owe me fro the shrimp tower and the two performances by Nicki Minaj.

Heidi: Oh, daddy, can we get Nikki again?

Martin: Of course, now, this is fantastic [unintelligible]. And if you don’t have that, you don’t know what you’re doing, George.

George: What?

Male voice: That’s right. Martin Short is back as the beloved wedding planner Franck, doing the accent that I think is still okay. Let’s all agree that it’s okay.

Franck: So Anne, you’re looking a little used goods. This is fantastic news. Because these are not… I’ve seen bigger lumps in oatmeal. So put them together and make one good one or do something or get the fake one. Whatever you do, it look lovely. But I think you need a little plucking, a little pumping, a little tugging and maybe down there a little, you know, procedure.

Steve: Oh, are you suggesting I pay for my daughter’s vaginal rejuvenation?

[Carrie walks in]

Carrie: Eww. Can we not talk about my sister’s privates right now? I feel like I might blow chunks.

Male voice: Did you forget Carrie Colton was in this movie. So did we. And so did he. But he was. And now he’s on succession. So good for him. And it wouldn’t be a wedding without the whole family there.

Carrie: My sister in a wedding dress? Gross to the max. Oh, by the way, no cake for me. I have a colonoscopy tomorrow.

Franck: But she’s so beautiful. What that mature brain.

Steve: You really are beautiful, Anne, my little girl. My little menopausal girl.

Franck: This is so nice. Father with the bride. But time for the big surprise. Your wedding performer.

[Selena Gomez walks in]

Selena: Hi. What’s up? I’m the wedding singer.

Heidi: My god. Selena Gomez. You’re even more beautiful in real life.

Selena: I know. Thanks.

George: Franck, how much is she gonna cost me

Selena: 1.8 million, easy.

Franck: Oh, come on George, singing to everybody. Let’s sing.

All: Every party has a pooper,
that’s why we invited you,
party pooper!

 

Weekend Update- Peppa Pig Fan Club President on the Show’s Gay Characters

Michael Che

Trish Dale… Sarah Shermon

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: It was announced that kids cartoon Peppa Pig will introduce the same sex polar bear couple to its cast of characters. Here to talk about it is very upset president of the Peppa Pig fan club, Trish Dale.

Trish Dale: Hi Michael, thanks for having me.

Michael Che: Yes, I understand you’re pretty upset about this new addition to the show.

Trish Dale: Michael, I’m more than upset. I’m mad as H-E-single C-single K.

Michael Che: Wow, you spell it out. You spell out ‘heck’. Okay.

Trish Dale: Michael, you may think I’m overreacting. But parents who love Peppa Pig should get to choose what kind of thing their kids see.

Michael Che: Well, what are the characters like?

Trish Dale:  Well, it’s a polar bear girl with two daddies and one’s a doctor and one stays home and make spaghetti.

Michael Che: Well I think that actually sounds kind of cute.

Trish Dale: Yeah, it is. It is cute. Until they anally enter each other.

Michael Che: What?

Trish Dale: Come on, Michael. Sure, in the first episode, they make spaghetti. But you know, as soon as those plates are cleared, they’re anally entering each other. And one is a doctor so he knows just where it goes.

Michael Che: Trish, I don’t think that’s going to happen on the show.

Trish Dale: Oh, I know. They’re do something innocent like teach Peppa howto ride a bike.

Michael Che: Well, that’s nice.

Trish Dale: And then once Peppa has the hang of it, they’ll say, “You got this girl,” and then they go behind the bush and they’ll anally enter each other.

Michael Che: Trish, I think the show is just reflecting that gay people exist and that it’s just a part of life.

Trish Dale: It’s not a part of life. It hurts.

Michael Che: What does?

Trish Dale: I tried it. To find out if it hurts. And it hurts. And they’re polar bears so you know it’s like this big. Imagine that in you.

Michael Che: Trish, I think you need to calm down.

Trish Dale: I can’t. I’ve tried everything. I’ve tried meditation, poppers and stickers. And there’s another episode where…

Michael Che: Trish please.

Trish Dale: And there’s another episode where Peppa is having trouble with her homework. So the bigger polar bear, the more masculine one says, “Hey, let’s go upstairs and get our calculator.” But then they never come back. And you want to know why? Do you want to know what they were doing up there, Michael?

Michael Che: Anally entering each other?

Trish Dale: Showering.

Michael Che: Oh, okay.

Trish Dale: To get ready to anally enter each other because of the whole process.

Michael Che: How do you know that?

Trish Dale: I googled it. I spent all day googling all this stuff because it’s sick.

Michael Che: Well then, don’t let your kids watch.

Trish Dale:  I don’t have kids… anymore.

Michael Che: Anymore?

Trish Dale: They grew up. And I don’t know where they are.

Michael Che: Trish, this is all in your head. The show will never show any of that.

Trish Dale: And that’s why I animated my own. so everyone can see exactly what I’m talking about.

Michael Che: Oh, the big one is the bottom. That’s good.

Trish Dale: Michael, that’s the twist.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, I hate to interrupt.

Trish Dale: Who are you?

Colin Jost: It’s okay. I actually watched the show and it’s two polar bear mommies, not two daddies.

Trish Dale: What? What is that? Now I have to google that?

Michael Che: No, no. It’s like… [whispering on Trish Dale’s ear]

Trish Dale: Oh. So it’s just mashing and mushing. Oh, that’s fine. I’ve done that. I’ll take your papers.

Michael Che: Trish Dale, everybody.

Trish Dale: I love you.

Michael Che: For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Michael Longfellow on Being a Child of Divorce During the Holidays

Colin Jost

Michael Longfellow

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, it’s the holiday season which can be especially tough for children of divorce. Here to comment is child of divorce, Michael Longfellow.

Michael Longfellow: Happy Holidays, everyone. Happy Holidays, Colin.

Colin Jost: Happy Holidays, Michael. So your parents are divorced. Was that hard for you?

Michael Longfellow: No. I was a tiny little baby. I have no memory of them ever being together. To be honest, until I got older, I wasn’t even sure if they knew each other. I remember one time a kid on the playground told me, “You know your parents had sex to have you?” And I was like, “Well, I don’t think they’ve met. So that’s stupid.”

Colin Jost: Oh, sure you were aware at some point they’d met right?

Michael Longfellow: I wasn’t, and don’t call me Shirley. Snakes on a Plane?

Colin Jost: It’s not Snakes on a Plane. Okay. All right. Obviously, the holidays must have been more difficult with divorced parents.

Michael Longfellow: I disagree. There are perks to having parents that are always getting married and you know divorced and married again. You ever asked for a brother for Christmas and actually get one? I have. And I don’t have to wait for him to grow up. He came off the shelf ready to go. We were playing catch that day.

Colin Jost: Wow, that must have been nice.

Michael Longfellow: Must have it. It was.I’m sorry. And brothers aren’t the only thing divorce has given me. It’s given me sisters, moms, dads, and all of different genres. Like you have my real dad, who’s very strict and quiet and wear suits. And then you have my newest dad Terry, who’s a semi nudist. I’ve seen naked 43 times.

Colin Jost: Wait, what?

Michael Longfellow: And I’ll tell you this, Colin, when you see your mom’s boyfriend naked, you think a lot of things, but you don’t think it’s gonna happen 42 more times.

Colin Jost: Well, at least hope he has a nice body.

Michael Longfellow: Why?

Colin Jost: No, I don’t know. Nevermind. So, are you saying you then pro divorce?

Michael Longfellow: Well, my dad is a divorce attorney. So put food on my table.

Colin Jost: Wait, so your father is a divorce attorney who’s also been divorced?

Michael Longfellow: Multiple times. I mean, this guy walks the walk. Is he a bad husband or a workaholic? Man as an artist. He’s out in the field getting his hands dirty. But he was still a great dad. Like, he told me everything a kid should know. Brush your teeth, do your homework. If infidelity can’t be proven, they’re only entitled to 30%. And it’s not easy to prove in a court of law. Text messages are not enough.

Michael Che: Hmm, it’s good to know.

Colin Jost: So it sounds then that your dad enjoys his work.

Michael Longfellow: Oh, absolutely. In fact, he met his current wife because he handled her divorce. Some would say that’s a conflict of interest, but I just say he’s got that dog in him.

Colin Jost: Michael Longfellow, everyone.

Michael Longfellow: And don’t call me Shirley.

Weekend Update- Jose Suarez on His Goal to Be the First Latino-American President

Colin Jost

Jose Suarez… Marcello Hernandez

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Exit polls from this year’s midterms show that Latinos were a larger share of the electorate than ever before. Here to tell us why he was inspired to one day run for President is Jose Suarez.

[Cheers and applause]

Jose Suarez: Thank you. Buenos noches, Colin. Thank you very much. Thank you very much.

Colin Jost: Welcome, Jose. So do you think of yourself as a Republican or a Democrat?

Jose Suarez: I’m, uh, just happy to be here, Colin. Everybody complaining all the time about everything. Guess what? It’s fine. Everything is basically fine. And that’s going to be my campaign slogan. “Jose Suarez – everything is basically fine. So relax, okay? It’s fine.”

Colin Jost: Wow, well, that is a refreshing outlook.

Jose Suarez: Yes, exactly, Colin. What do people complain about anyway? “My gas is too expensive.” News flash ever heard of legs? My mother walked almost 100 miles to work every day, and her left leg didn’t work. She had to pull it.

Colin Jost: That doesn’t make any sense.

Jose Suarez: And inflation, Colin. Everybody complain inflation is so bad. The price of milk is too high. How about just don’t drink milk? Who’s even complaining about the price of milk? The babies? Do you drink milk, Colin?

Colin Jost: I mean, maybe just a warm glass before bed.

[Jose Suarez makes his disgusted face]

Jose Suarez: And the WiFi, Colin. Everybody complain, “Ooh, the WiFi, it’s too slow. The WiFi. My poor, little WiFi.”

Colin Jost: I don’t think that’s a major complaint.

Jose Suarez: Growing up in Cuba, Colin, there was no WiFi. It was only “Why (Wi of Wi-Fi).” “W is it so hot?” “Why did the power go out?” “Why is the president taking all our stuff?” Colin, if you want something in America, you press a button on your phone and Jeff Bezos send it to your house. What are we complaining about?

Colin Jost: Can we go back a second? You were born in Cuba? Well, then, you can’t run for president, right?

Jose Suarez: I don’t think anybody really gonna care about that, Colin.

Colin Jost: I’m pretty sure they are, but let’s just talk about some of your positions. Like, what are your thoughts on Roe v. Wade?

Jose Suarez: Well, I say Roe (row) if you can, but if you don’t have a boat, you’re gonna have to wait (Wade). I’m just kidding, Colin. I’m just kidding. All I know is, if I am the president, every mother gonna get one chancleta.

Colin Jost: And what is a chancleta, Jose?

Jose Suarez: [mocking] “And what is a chancleta, Jose?” It’s a sandal, Colin.

Colin Jost: And what is a mother going to do with one sandal?

Jose Suarez: You never know. That’s the scary part. Sometimes they don’t even have to use it. They just show it, send a message, and then put it away. “What did you say to me? That’s what I thought.”

Colin Jost: Alright. Chancleta. I will remember that. My one year old has been acting up. So, Jose, what is your final message to the American people?

Jose Suarez: That we should all be grateful, Colin. This is a great country and I think we need to remember how lucky we really are.

Colin Jost: That’s true. Although, it does seem like you’re kind of ignoring some pretty real problems in the country.

Jose Suarez: [showing his sandal] What did you say to me, Colin?

Colin Jost: [laughing] No, nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

Jose Suarez: That’s what I thought.

Colin Jost: Jose Suarez, everyone.

Jose Suarez: Vote Jose! God bless Miami.

House of the Dragon

Silky/ARhaenan… Dave Chappelle

Rhaenyra … Chloe Fineman

Daemon… Michael Longfellow

Guard… Mikey Day

Corlys Velaryon… Kenan Thompson

Baela… Punkie Johnson

Rhaena… Ego Nwodim

King… James Austin Johnson

[Starts with Dave Chappelle on SNL stage]

Dave Chappelle: Anyone out here watching this new show ‘House of Dragons’? I am the biggest Game of Thrones fan. I love the new show. And I gotta tell yo,u I love that they’re including black characters. But to be honest, the black characters— They take me out of it a little bit with the— It’s that blonde hair and the old time accents. It’s a little jarring. Like, where are these people from? You know what I mean? And then they’re coming out with season two, I guess soon. And somehow Lorn Daemons arranged a sneak peek of season two of House of Dragons exclusive. so check it out.

[cheers and applause]

[cut to sneak peek of season two of House of Dragons]

Rhaenyra: Before we go to war with King’s Landing, we must know who our true allies are.

Daemon: These represent all of our possible alliances, Your Grace.

Rhaenyra: Thank you, Daemon.

Daemon: And I prepared this family tree so we know who the hell everyone is.

Rhaenyra: Yes, because our names are insane and sound identical.

Daemon: I’ve also prepared a chart of who’s having sex with whom. And weirdly enough, it’s the same as a family tree.

Guard: You are the visitor Your Grace. Lord of the tides, the sea snake himself, Corlys Velaryon.

Rhaenyra: Lord Corlys, this is a most welcome surprise. Where have you come from?

Corlys: The Matrix. Just kidding.

Daemon: You must have been at sea a long time then.

Corlys: Oh, of course. This is where my people are most comfortable. The ocean. Yeah, we especially love being on ships. Never have any concerns with ships or what might happen to us on ships.

Rhaenyra: Have you come alone?

Corlys: Oh no, no, I brought my granddaughters Baela and Rhaena.

Baela: Greetings, Your Grace.

Rhaena: So happy to have traveled 40 days by ship in this ballgown, Your Grace.

Daemon: It’s wonderful to see you. Since you are betrothed to my nephews/stepsons, Jason and Luke.

Baela: Yeah, I look at my future husband and I think he is definitely going to satisfy me sexually.

Rhaenyra: And to what do we owe the honor of your visit lord Corlys?

Corlys: Yeah, well, you know, I know that you are in need of allies now that your father has died.

King: Died? [he’s walking as his face is bleeding]

Corlys: Oh my god, man, what has happening with your face?

King: The doctor says it’s nothing. Just a little cough and my skin melted and my eye fell.

Corlys: Well, I found you some new allies from even further away lands that have come to pay their respects to the true queen.

Dave: [walking in] Well, well, well. Good to see you, Your Grace. Cousin Daemon, well, haven’t ever seen in long time. How does it feel to have sex with your niece? Yuck.

Dave’s wife: This whole family is like the sun took a look and said, “No, thank you.”

Dave: Your Majesty looks like you got a case of the monkey pox. You’re gonna die any minute, ain’t you?

King: Yeah, yeah.

Dave: Well, if it isn’t our cousin, light-skinned Larry Targaryen.

Larry: [Chuckles] Silky, your hoes are so old, their titties give powdered milk.

Dave: You look like E.T. when they dressed him up for Halloween.

Larry: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! All that was hateful, man.

Dave: Your Jheri curls are getting a little dry.

Dave’s wife: That’s that dragon spray.

Guard: More visitors approach.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Dave: Pardon me, Your Grace, but I think your penis just fell off. If you don’t want it anymore, can I keep it? Might be able to get some money for that.

Rhaenyra: Who is this foul man?

Dave: I came here for some dragon rocks. I’m down to my last one.

Guard: What the hell is going on here?

Dave: You mind if I, um, get a light? [He’s asking fire to light his cigarette. He raises his hand holding a cigarette. The dragons comes behind him.] Dracarys. [The dragon breathes the fire and he lights his cigarette]

Rhaenyra: Be gone, all of you.

Corlys: Oh, no, there’s more.

Dave: I’m one of the baddest mother Westeros has ever seen. One of the best singers and one of the best dancers, too. I’m ARhaenan Targaryen, bitch, rider of dragons. I heard you like to ride lizards. Want to ride mine, Your freaking Majesty?

[There are dragons flying in the sky. There are Targarians riding the dragon. They have seats in shape of motorcycles on the dragon’s back.]

Tar: Take me to Flea Bottom so I can check on my hoes.

Dave: What up, Tar? I got a dragon now.

Dave: No, dragon.

[While they’re riding dragons, there’s red siren lights flashing]

Dave: Good God, it’s the police. What are they doing all the way up here? No matter how high I fly, they always find you, don’t they?

Weekend Update- Tammy the Trucker on Gas Prices and Definitely Not Abortion

Colin Jost

Tammy… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: With so many midterm races tightening, it’s hard to predict what will drive people more to the polls – social issues or economic concerns? Here to comment is Tammy the trucker who promises she’s here to talk about gas prices and definitely not abortion. What?

[Tammy slides in holding a big steering wheel]

Tammy: Hey, peep peep. Hey there, Colin, it’s me, Tammy the trucker. Breaker, breaker, Big Mama over.

Colin Jost: Wow, Tammy. So, you are a trucker who is very affected by gas prices. I guess that makes sense to me.

Tammy: Yes, I thought it would Colin Jost. That’s why I’m here. Tammy the trucker.

Colin Jost: And what was that about not talking about abortion?

Tammy: No, no, no. Breaker, breaker, double dipper, I got a big daddy on my tail. And all I’m here to talk about is gas even though the Supreme Court said Roe v. Wade did that big pitstop in the sky. Peep peep. Yeah, 50 years of precedent. Peep peep. Both.

Colin Jost: Cecily, are you okay? It seems like maybe you do want to talk about abortion.

Tammy: Calm your cooter down, Beaver Caniver. I’m Tina the trucker, whatever name I gave you. I gotta be in Rancho Cuca Roomba by nightfall.

Colin Jost: Rancho Cuca Roomba? Cecily. What are you doing?

Tammy: I don’t know, Colin. I am just trying to get through this moment, okay? Gas prices are up and families are really hurting. But that’s not going to magically disappear no matter who you vote for. We’re in a global recession fueled by corporate greed and war. Honk honk, breaker breaker. But what will keep disappearing is safe access to abortion. It’s not really magic because they told us that’s exactly what they’re gonna do. And they’ve been doing it. Breaker breaker. Big Daddy. I got a double nickel on the big slab.

Colin Jost: Did you just Google trucker terms?

Tammy: Oh, like research? Yeah. Here, hold that. [gives Colin Jost her steering wheel] Keep it. Look, I want to talk about abortion on live TV or Peacock, whatever that count says. These are scary times okay? Because they don’t want to just take away access to health care. They want to criminalize it too. I mean, it’s so bad, us truckers are all out here warning each other, delete our period tracking apps from our phones. I just want to know what week I’m wearing my bad underwear. But I can’t, in case some dickhead in Texas thinks my period is evidence of a crime. A Rooba!

Colin Jost: I don’t think it’s a Rooba. I think it’s Ooga.

Tammy: Do you have something against? You are riding my ass. My point is— [pulls back the steering wheel] Give me that. My point is you shouldn’t have to pull the convoy across state lines to find a doctor who can provide health care for your anatomy without having to call their lawyer first. Peep peep. Beep beep beep beep. Colin, check my rear. Am I clear? My rear clear? I’m backing up about 50 years into the past.

Colin Jost: Okay, I got that. I got that.

Tammy: Yeah, I know it’s been fun for you. Okay, let me give you some little trucker toys. Okay? Yeah, here you go. Here’s a nudie mag. And here’s this.

Colin Jost: Oh, is this Gatorade?

Tammy: Well, it was at one point. Look at your naked gals, okay? Truth is I have felt pretty helpless over the past year. And it’s hard to know what to say to make other truckers feel better, even though I have this big giant radio. So here’s the thing I can say. There’s one mothe-trucking thing we can do to fight for mother-trucking freedom to make her own health care decisions. And that’s vote. And I hope to hell everyone votes. Because remember, we all love someone who’s had an abortion. I mean, drives a truck. Beep beep. A Wooba.

Colin Jost: Tammy, everyone. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

The View- Jack Harlow

Whoopi Goldberg… Ego Nwodim

Joy Bay Hart… Sarah Sherman

Sara Haines… Chloe Fineman

Sunny Hostin… Punkie Johnson

[Starts with the show intro]

[Cut to the show set]

Whoopi: Hi, I’m Whoopi Goldberg. And I’m technically not the star of The View. But I am the only one here who has ever been asked for an autograph. And as always, I’m joined by the Pippin to my Jordan, Joy Bay Hart.

Joy: Oh, come on. I’m Rodman. Tell me I’m Rodman.

Whoopi: No, you ruin some hotel rooms in Vegas. That’s for sure. [laughing]  We’re also here with a couple of members of the B team.

Sunny: Thank you, Whoopi.

Sara: Very nice. Anyway, some of you may recall on Monday, our interview with Ted Cruz was interrupted by climate change protesters. But today we are looking forward to a more upbeat episode with a very exciting guest. Please welcome, Jack Harlow.

[Jack Harlow walks in]

Thanks for coming, Jack.

Jack Harlow: Hey ladies, thanks for having me. A can I just say, Whoopi, it’s an honor. You are an icon.

Whoopi: Oh all right. Don’t compliment me all quiet like that Jack. I have been closed for business since before you were born.

Jack Harlo: Well, I’m looking forward to the grand reopening.

Whoopi: No, no, no. Come on. I am a dead woman walking. Alright?

Sunny: Excuse me, I don’t mean to be rude to our guests but there is something I wanted to say about the protesters earlier this week. I—

Whoopi: No, no, no, we’re not doing this again. They came to the show talking about a stop big oil. Like, what do you want me to do?

Joy: It’s an important issue, Whoopi.

Whoopi: They want me to stop Big Oil? How? I don’t know him.

Joy: Whoopi!

Whoopi: Save the planet? My god, I’m already saving our rating.

Joy: Whoopi!

Whoopi: Joy.

Joy: Whoopi!

Whoopi: Jack, what do you think?

Jack Harlow: It’s all good. But Whoopi, is it the global warming or is it just like getting a little hot in here?

Whoopi: Baby, please. We would never work. The only MCs I need in my life are my cats and my cigarettes.

Sara: Can I just say, personally I think we should speak about climate change.

Whoopi: Um-hmm. Okay. Okay, thank you sweetheart. But we moved on. Back to the matter at hand, the one and only Mr. Black Harlow.

Jack Harlow: Would you stop playing with me? It’s just Jack.

Joy: Well, I got a question for you Black. You and a lot of other rappers feature scantily clad women in your videos. Don’t you think that’s objectified to those girls?

Whoopi: Oh please. Those bimbos took the gig.

Joy: Come on, now, Whoopi.

Whoopi: I’m sorry, but it’s a music video.

Joy: Whoopi!

Whoopi: What they think it was for? A damn science video?

Joy: What on earth is a science video? Did I say that, Whoopi?

Whoopi: You did say that.

Joy: I did not say that.

Whoopi: You basically said that.

Joy: So Jack, what do you say?

Jack Harlow: Yeah, I guess I’ll just say there’s a lot of beautiful girls in my videos, but you know, right now what I need most is a woman.

Whoopi: Okay, I don’t know what you’re trying to do to me. But it is working. I’m feeling like Indiana Jones just stepped on a booby trap. Because my whole dusty cave has started to rumble.

Jack Harlow: I like that movie. Maybe we should watch it together sometime. I hope you’re not afraid of snakes.

Whoopi: Okay, Jack. Am I sensing a metaphor?

Jack Harlow: Whoopi, I’ve met a lot of fours (metaphor), but today I met a 10.

Joy: Wait a minute. So the snake was about his— Oh my god!

Whoopi: Well Joy, I am wet. And that’s all the time we have today folks. Bring it to mama.

Weekend Update Marcello Hernández on the MLB Playoffs

Colin Jost

Marcelo Hernandez

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Major League Baseball season wrapped up this week and the playoffs are underway. Here to give us his thoughts is new SNL cast member Marcelo Hernandez.

[Marcelo Hernandez slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Marcelo Hernandez: Yes, thank you. Thank you, New York. Thank you, Colin.

Colin Jost: What’s up Marcelo? So are you a baseball fan?

Marcelo Hernandez: Well, Colin, you know, my mom is from Cuba. And my dad is from the Dominican Republic. So obviously, they’re divorced. But it also means I love baseball. You know, Latinos dominate baseball. And I’m not saying we’re naturally better. I’m just saying we’re more fun to watch. I mean, who would you rather watch play baseball? Tanner from Kentucky, or a guy that they call Papi and no one knows why. This guy got so good at his job, everyone started calling him Dad. Like Colin, has anybody here ever called you, daddy?

Colin Jost: I’d rather not say. What about like Aaron Judge? Right? He just hit his 62nd home run, set the AL record

Marcelo Hernandez: Yeah, I think it’s impressive, Colin, but there just wasn’t enough emotion for me. He hits his 62nd home run, puts the bat down gently. And then it’s a couple of high fives and straight to the dugout. When a Dominican guy hits a homerun Colin, he throws the bat to a different dimension. And once he gets the home plate, he thanks everyone he’s ever encountered. He’s like “Thank you to my mother and my sister and my father and that one guy from that day I beat up that one time.” Everything changes when they bring out the Dominican guy. The American announcer who’s been speaking English the whole game gets an accent all of a sudden. Now this guy named Jeff is like, “A now coming to the plane, frrrom San Do-Do-Diego, Starling Marte.” Cue the Merengue music. Even the white guys in the crowd are like, “To-go-to-go-tinga tanka kung kang.” Then this guy comes up and he pulls a chain out of nowhere. He tells the pitcher to relax. And then he brings Jesus into it, he’s like “In the name of the Father and…” And then once he gets to batting, Colin it’s all hips. Do you feel that Colin?

Colin Jost: I’m pretty sure it feel it, yeah.

Marcelo Hernandez: Everyone in the crowd is pregnant by the time he’s done back. And the postgame interviews are different Colin. white guys are so boring. They’re always talking about the game. It’s like we had a game plan and we executed it.

Colin Jost: But I bet Latin guys do a different?

Marcelo Hernandez: Don’t do that, Colin. I don’t like that. But yes, it is very different. After a baseball game, Latin guys, if they do get a sentence off in English, it’s not about the game. The reporter is like “What was going through your head on that 3-2 slider? And then Ramon is like, “Man, I love Miami man. The weather, the people, the food is amazing.” Have you noticed Colin, they really only speak English until they lose patience. You know? You ask them a loaded question and they go, “Well, for the song, I think that—” [starts speaking Spanish aggressive]

Colin Jost: Marcelo Hernandez, everyone.

Marcelo Hernandez: Thank you.

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che, goodnight.

The Understudy

[Starts with Chloe narrating]

Chloe narrating: Hey guys, I’m Chloe Fineman. It’s been a really unique season. And people are always asking what happens when a cast member has to miss a show because they’re sick? Well, that’s where I come in. I am the show’s official understudy. So every week I run lines with all the cast members just in case I need to jump into their roles.

[Chloe trying to copy Kate]

Chloe: Do you think we can take it from the top of this sketch?

Kate: Yeah, yeah. Exterior myth Gala. Kate is an E News correspondent.

Chloe: [with Kate’s impression] Okay, so. Hey guys, how are you? Wah, wah, gorgeous.

Kate: You want to get more intimate with it. You want to do a bigger spread? Spread. Spread as big as you can. Just make people uncomfortable with what you’re doing.

Chloe: Wah, gorgeous.

Kate: Gorgeous.

Chloe narrating: To really capture the essence of a cast member you have to shadow them as they go about their everyday routines.

[cut to Chloe copying everything Cecily is doing]

Cecily: Yeah, well, I thought it was funny, but during the show wasn’t on a cue card.

Chloe: It wasn’t on the cue cards.

Cecily: No. Oh, wow.

Chloe: Wow. Yeah. weighing in.

Chloe narrating: Some of the cast members even use me as an understudy for their personal lives.

[cut to Chloe trying to be Melissa on a phone call]

Melissa: Thanks so much for doing this Chloe. I’m so bad at breakups.

Chloe: Truly, no problem. [speaking on the phone] Hey, pal. Oh, man. I had fun too. But a see you more of as a pal, you know? So it’s just not gonna work out. [laughing]  I’m really bad at this.

Melissa: Thanks, pal. You’re the best.

Chloe: Oh, I freaking love you, Melissa.

Chloe narrating: Understudies have a very strict code of ethics. Like no matter how good my Elizabeth Olsen impression is, I would never use it to trick Benedict.

[cut to Chloe talking to Benedict being Elizabeth Olsen. She’s wearing Scarlet Witch costume.]

Chloe: Benedict. It’s your friend Elizabeth Olsen.

Benedict: Hey, Ezzy, you made it. And you’re in costume.

Chloe: Well, I love Marvel. [laughing] Speaking of, do you know who would be great in the next Doctor Strange? Is SNL is understudy Chloe Fineman.

[Real Elizabeth Olsen walks in]

Elizabeth: Benedict, what’s going on?

Benedict: Um, I thought I was talking to you.

Elizabeth: Oh, I’m me.

Chloe: No, so am I.

Elizabeth: I am me.

Chloe: I am me too.

Benedict: Oh my god, the multiverse is real.

Chloe narrating: Has anyone asked me to be an understudy? No. But they haven’t asked me to stop.

[Cut to Chloe doing impressions of the cast]

Chloe: Okay guys, rapid fire. Tell me if I get it. Aidy. [doing Aidy’s impression] Gu-billy-ga-billy-gu-billy, that ass.

Aidy: Nailed. No notes. That ass.

Chloe: Heidi. [doing Heidi’s impression] Hey, dude.

Heidi: Worst one so far, but fine.

Chloe: Sarah. [doing Sarah’s impression] Hello! Hello!

Sarah: Wait, do I sound like a Jewish parrot?

Heidi: Yeah.

Chloe: Okay, who’s left. Ego.

Ego: Pass.

Chloe: And I thank you for that.

Chloe narrating: And I know you guys are thinking, what happens if I get sick? Well, I actually have my own understudy who does a perfect impression of me.

Punkie: [wearing same clothes as Chloe} Yo, bitch. I’m gonna be fine bird.