Tag: Alex Moffat

Tenant MeetingTenant Meeting

Alex Moffat

Chloe Fineman

Ms. Delessio… Sarah Sherman

Ms. Quincy… Ego Nwodim

Mrs. Wilton… Heidi Gardner

Jamarcus… Chris Redd

Kevin… Mikey Day

Clark… Bowen Yang

Chet Fillmore… Willem Dafoe

Mr. Milos… Aristotle Athari

Tommy… Pete Davidson

Jan Krang… Aidy Bryant

Mr. Carson… Kenan Thompson

Mrs. Baumann… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with tenants having a meeting]

Alex: Okay everyone, welcome to the first tenants Association meeting of 2022. I know we usually have coffee and Dunkin munchkins at these meetings, but I forgot to pick them up.

Punkie: Then why am I even here? Shame on you.

Chloe: Wow, she left. Okay, well, we will now hear tenant complaints and concerns. But remember we are all neighbors in this building. So let’s please keep it civil. Yes, Ms. Delessio from unit 7-E.

Ms. Delessio: [showing a paper] What the hell is this? You raised my maintenance fee up $12 this month.

Alex: We had to fix a leak in the roof.

Ms. Delessio: Well, this just in. I don’t live on the roof, so I’m not paying it.

Alex: We’re just gonna send you another bill. Next Ms. Quincy from 2-F.

Ms. Quincy: Hello. I would like to formally ask the board’s permission to kill my neighbor’s loud, stupid, yappy dog.

Chloe: Obviously permission is denied.

Ms. Quincy: Bitch, I don’t need it. I was asking as a courtesy.

Chloe: Miss Quincy. No. Yes, Mrs. Wilton.

Mrs. Wilton: I am livid. Right now. The laundry machines in this building are a disgrace. I wash my 13 year old son’s socks every week, but a day later, tada, they turn hard is the rock. [banging the table with the sock] Hear that? Hear that? I will go to the news with this if the machines are not fixed. Thank you and goodbye.

Alex: Yikes. Okay, looks like our doorman, Jamarcus wants to say something.

Jamarcus: Hey, folks, hey. This is for all the white tenants. Not all of you, but a lot of you. I’m not sure how it started. But many of you have come to believe my name is Jamarcus. It is not. My name is Robert and I let it slide at first. But it seems like it’s catching on. I want to just nip it in the bud. Thank you.

Chloe: Thank you Jamarcus. Next Kevin and Clark from 8-C?

Kevin: Yes. I have a question. [singing] When is the building talent show?

Clark: Tuesday?

Kevin: What time does it start, I have to know

Clark:5 to midnight.

Kevin:Is there food?

Clark:No.

Kevin:Are there drinks?

Clark: No.

Kevin:Well, who’s performing

Clark:Just so far?

Kevin and Clark:So sign up today

Clark: You were off key.

Kevin: What?

Clark: You were off key!

Kevin: No, Clark! Wait.

Alex: Wow, that should be fun, huh? Okay, next.

Chet Fillmore: For those who don’t know me, I’m Chet Fillmore. I bought the top three floors of this building in 1971 for $1. And I’ve been a pain in the ass ever since. My question is what the hell happened to this city? What’s the danger, man? Was the art? Back in my days, it was all pimps and whores, junkies and perverts all over Time Square. Man, it was great. It goes CBGBs and Iggy Pop would puke on your face and we liked it. Where did that city go, man?

Alex: No idea. And what is your question?

Chet Fillmore: I don’t have one. I just want to be a pain in the ass.

Chloe: Okay, well, thank you Mr. Fillmore. Yes, next.

Melissa: Hi. I just moved to the city. I’m new. I’m loving it. I’m in 5-F, the 300 square foot studio with no toilet and no windows. My question is what is my $600,000 rent due?

Chloe: On the first of the month. And welcome to the building. Next Mr. Milos.

Mr. Milos: Yes sir. Google Translate. [foreign language] feed on us ketosis to hit

Google translate: I need to milk faucet, so make destruction.

Alex: Mr. Milos. I’m sorry, we don’t quite understand.

Mr. Milos: Yes, I start? Thank you so much.

Chloe: No, no, no. Wait. He’s gonna take down another wall. Okay, I see our building super is here with an update on the Rhoden situation. Tommy, how is the rat problem?

Tommy: Bad.

Alex: Okay, thank you Tommy. And next– Sorry, remind me of your name again.

Jan Krang: Jan Krang. J-A-N K-RANG. Unit nine-A. A as in Ana delas armas. And I move that we ban all teens from the building. They gather outside my apartment to have white claws and do 69ers.

Chloe: Ms. Krang, we cannot ban teens from the building, so please give it up. Yes, Mr. Young.

Mr. Young: When will Varizon install the friggin FIOS? It’s been 10 years.

Chloe: They’re working on it sir. Yes, Hello boys, next.

Jeremy: What’s up? What’s good? What’s up? We’re NYU students subletting 11-F. I’m Jeremy. That’s Hunter.

Hunter: What’s good?

Jeremy: So, one of us might have maybe dropped us a small baggie of baking soda in the elevator. If you come across it, please return it to 11-F.

Alex: If it’s what I think it is, it’s going straight in the trash.

Hunter: Douche.

Chloe: Moving on to standing complaints, Mr. Carson the female love making screams are still coming from 5-C every night.

Mr. Carson: Oops.

Alex: Well, can you please ask your guests to keep the volume down?

Mr. Carson: Hey, man, I asked my female guests this is to ship ship but it seems it’s too good.

Alex: Well, I had to ask. Okay, moving on. Oh, no. Mrs. Baumann, is this about the buildings pet policy?

Mrs. Baumann: No.

Alex: All right. Go ahead.

Mrs. Baumann: By the limits on cats per unit must be raised from three to 75. Part one.

Alex: Okay. No, no. Meeting adjourned.

Chloe: Thank you all. Please pick up any trash on your way out. Make the clean up a little easier for Jamarcus.

Jamarcus: Please, god. It’s Robert. Come on, man.

Russian Disinformation Cold Open

Kenan Thompson

Ego Nwodim

Joe Biden… James Austin Johnson

Alex Moffat

Mikayla… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with officials holding a meeting at the president’s office]

Kenan: Mr. President the situation in Ukraine is growing tension by the hour. Putin has amassed over hundredthousand troops at the border.

Ego: We’re even getting some reports that Russia has already invaded. But those are from the same people who said Tom Brady retired. So, take it with a grain of salt.

Ego: What about the NATO forces? Are they ready to back us up?

Kenan: Well, every country is sending supplies to Ukraine except Germany. They’re staying out of it.

Joe Biden: Oh, man. Germany doesn’t want to go to war. You know, it’s bad.

Alex: Sir, if I may, Russia’s military presence may be the least of our problems.

Ego: We’ve been tracking the spread of Russian disinformation in Ukraine. And there are some lies, Ukrainians don’t know what to believe anymore.

Joe Biden: Russia tried that during our last election too. But it didn’t work.

Kenan: Well, 40% of Americans think you lost the election. So, it kinda did.

Alex: Take a look at these posts that are circulating on Ukrainian Facebook. [They’re reading news headlines] Ukrainian border encroaching on Russian troops.

Ego: Russian forces surrounding Ukraine just to give it big hug.

Alex: Ukrainian president horny for drama, wants war: “Slap me harder, Daddy.”

Joe Biden: I’m gonna break my New Year’s resolution and say it. Malarkey!

Ego: They’re also bringing our country into it. American CDC strongly recommends Russia invade Ukraine.

Kenan: Wait, didn’t the CDC really recommend that?

Joe Biden: For a few months in 2020. The science was changing so fast.

Alex: There was also this. Neil Young to remove music from Spotify unless Ukraine surrender.

Ego: And this one’s unbelievable. Are you a lonely Ukrainian woman in search of love? 100,000 troops are standing by to talk to you, at soldiersonly.com.

Joe Biden: My god. I mean, it is a good idea for a website.

Alex: They’re even turning our most beloved heroes against us. I don’t always get invaded but when I do I prefer Russia.

Ego: Not to mention this. Why I got to be Ukrainian when Russia two feet away? Nothing is sacred to them. Not even guy checking out hot girl.

Alex: And it’s not only meme sir. Look at this video a Russian spy posted on TikTok?

[Cut to a tiktok where two guys are dressed Russian and Ukrainian army and dancing together]

Joe Biden: What the hell was that?

Alex: Sir, it’s a video with 8.7 million views.

Joe Biden: No, no, I mean, what the hell was that dancing? Choreography wasn’t even crisp. Gonna log in and flame those guys in the comments.

Ego: Unfortunately, Mr. President, this goes beyond social media. Look at this commercial that’s airing on Ukrainian MTV.

[Cut to a made up video]

Kyle: I can’t take it anymore, Bae. I’m a typical Ukrainian teenager and I have no hope for my future.

Kate: Tell me about its years. That’s why I’m thinking of going to Russia, which I stand.

Kyle: Russia? You mean the land of wealth and freedom? Bop!

Kate: That’s right. I hear you can get a job in Russia right away, mining arsenic and potash. And whatever potash they don’t use for fertilizer, you can get to the end.

Kyle: But Russia is too popular. We’ll never get in.

Kate: You’re right. If only Russia could come to us.

Female voice: Brought to you by students for the Russian invasion of Ukraine. Cuz Russia can get it Periodt.

Joe Biden: That’s ridiculous. Now which one of those two was Zendaya?

Alex: Sir, these pro Russia commercials are saturating Ukrainian television. I mean, look at this one.

[Cut to another commercial]

Pete: Oh, no. I am American ball toss player Aaron Rodgers. And my car is broken down in Ukraine. Only one thing to do, like a good neighbor. Russia is there.

Chris: Hello to you, Aaron Rodgers. Need some help?

Pete: Jay from Russia? Can you get me out of this Ukraine?

Chris: Of course, I will take you to meet our president. He would love to see a Super Bowl ring and maybe hold it for a while.

Pete and Chris: [singing] Like a good neighbor, you are there, Russia.

Pete: Yes, there we go.

Joe Biden: Wait. So, you’re telling me Ukrainians are supposed to believe that’s the real Aaron Rodgers.

Kenan: Apparently, that is the real Aaron Rodgers. I guess he left the Packers to play for Russia.

Joe Biden: So, what can we do to fight back against all these propaganda.

Ego: Well, we have to fight fire with fire. That’s why I’d like to introduce you to our new Secretary of Defense, Mikayla.

[Mikayla walks in]

Mikayla: Hi. I’m Mikayla, spelled the worst way. I a junior at a vicious Girls High School and y’all work for me now.

Joe Biden: Oh, hold on, hold on. The CIA must have operatives on social media already.

Mikayla: Ahem-ahem. They do and it’s rough. Look at what your agents made. “I like democracy then. Then don’t side with me, I’m Russia?”

Kenan: Oh my god. That’s choogy.

Mikayla: Facts, literally facts. I know. The only thing more pathetic was our attempt at TikTok.

[Cut to a TikTok video of a woman who doing 2021 to 2022 transformation.]

Kenan: What does that even mean? Almost looks like if Russia invades it will turn old Ukrainian women into sexy nurses.

Joe Biden: Let’s just do something fun and simple that everyone can get by. Like a drone strike.

Mikayla: Okay, okay, Mr. President, I think your generation can learn a lot from mine. Like, we don’t believe in drone strikes. We believe in breaking down our enemies psychologically. That’s why I’m gonna DM Putin and say, “Oh my god, I loved your outfit the other day. Was that Old Navy?” Already, he’s spiraling. He’s all like, “Do they think I’m poor?” In three weeks he will have completely lost his mind.

Joe Biden: You done this before?

Mikayla: Does the name Giuliani ring a bell?

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Weekend Update Three Guys Who Just Bought a Boat

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

Guy who just bought a boat… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: The NFL playoffs continue this weekend. Here with his tailgating tips is a guy who just bought a boat.

[The guy slides in]

The guy: Ha-ha-ha. Are you ready for some deez-balls? It’s good to beach here.

Colin Jost: I really hated that opening.

The guy: Hey, Colin, I haven’t seen you since that party we had to get COVID on purpose. Great idea by the way, co-jo.

Colin Jost: No. No. I have no idea what you’re talking about. No.

The guy: That’s true. My bro-bro from a No-hoe here told me the same thing many women have. Let’s just get this over with.

Colin Jost: No. That did not happen. No.

The guy: It did. Anyway, it’s football season and if you want to nail your date, you’re gonna have to tell some gate, okay? If you want a touchdown there, here are some just the tips to turn her tight end into a wide receiver. Make your starting– Oh! Make– Hah! Here we go. You’re not gonna like this, guys. Make your starting lineup some beautiful cans. Okay? I’m talking about brewskis, give her some Inklings to get her tingling and pretty soon you’ll be like a running back pounding it up the middle. I have a small penis. What got there?

Colin Jost: What was that?

The guy: I have a small penis. What are you, new here? Hey, wait. Something different around here? I’m getting some sort of message, like, a Blippar from another Skipper? Yep. My tighty whities spidey sense is tingling. Ah! Someone bought a boat. [pointing at Colin Jost]

The guy: No. I don’t think. I don’t know. I don’t really know what you’re talking about.

Colin Jost: I’m getting word in my sidepiece. Breaking news, my boy Coy Joy and SNL boy toy are saying a-hoy-hoy to an aquatic toy-toy. That’s right, Colin and Pete bought a ferry boat.

The guy: All right. Well, fine. Here to talk about it is a guy who just bought a ferry.

[Pete Davidson slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Pete Davidson: Hey! We bought a ferry. The windowless van of the sea.

Colin Jost: Yeah. It’s very exciting. We thought the whole thing through.

Pete Davidson: Yeah. I know. Even the mayor tweeted about it, which is how I found out we have a new Mayor? What happened to Bloomberg?

The guy: I don’t know

Colin Jost: You know, Pete, we did a sketch about the new mayor last week.

Pete Davidson: Oh yeah, I’m gone as soon as my last sketch is over.

Colin Jost: Wait, so you guys bought it together, pulling a double teamer on this steamer. Ha-ha. Me likey. Way to get your deck sweat, boys. Classic boat owner behavior.

Pete Davidson: Actually, actually, there’s a third partner.

The guy: I’m glistening.

Pete Davidson: We bought it with this guy, Paulie Italia, which is the name of a real person and not a mafia themed wrestler. We’re boat people now, Colin. I mean, you always were. You look like, you know, you own the yacht they rend for rap videos.

Colin Jost: We are having trouble finding a place to dock though.

The guy: Oh, fellas, this happens to me all the time. Look, just start poking around downtown. It’ll eventually slip in somewhere. My thingy is a dinghy?

Pete Davidson: Well, actually, our boat is Pete Davidson00 feet long.

The guy: Ew. Look, it’s the width that counts. Mine’s like a tuna can.

Colin Jost: Also, we just keep– We’re gonna keep– No, that’s okay. We’re gonna keep the boat dock. You know, it’s not gonna move on its own power.

The guy: You’re my best friend Colin Jost. Wait, so your boat’s just gonna lay there? Tight. That’s just like me. There’s no motion in this ocean. When your pooner is on this schooner, all are bored (all aboard!). There’s no shame in paying for a tug. Co-Jo knows what I’m talking about.

Pete Davidson: So, it’s like with your penis?

The guy: No, Pete. They’re for a boat.

Colin Jost: Three guys who just bought a boat, everyone. For Weekend Update, I’m Coling Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

ESPNs First Take

Molly Qerim… Chloe Fineman

Stephen A. Smith… Chris Redd

Michael Irvin… Kenan Thompson

Todd Levane… Will Forte

Martin Murphy… Alex Moffat

[Starts with show intro]

[Cut to Molly Qerim, Stephen A. Smith and Michael Irvin in their show set]

Molly Qerim: Good morning. What’s going on, everyone? Welcome to “First Take”, ESPN’s home for the hottest sports takes. I’m Molly Qerim, and here with me is the always outspoken Stephen A. Smith.

Stephen A. Smith: Molly! It is fantastic to be here! Absolutely fantastic!

Molly Qerim: And our newest cohost, a man who thought the show needed more passionate energy, Dallas Cowboys legend, Michael Irvin.

Michael Irvin: Okay, Molly, Molly. Uh, Molly, Molly. Stephen A. right here. This– You– Stephen A., you wrong, brother! Okay? It is not fantastic to be here. It is a delicious privilege to put on this suit! You understand? To put on this $6000 tie clip, okay? The thickest one ever made. This is here. This–  What? This–  Whoo! This is special.

Molly Qerim: Okay, uh, want to remind you both that it’s 10 AM, okay? And we have 1 hour and 58 minutes to go. Alright. Let’s start with the Sunday playoff game in Tampa, where Tom Brady’s Buccaneers will take on the red hot LA Rams. Guys, the question everybody is asking, is Tom Brady an exceptional quarterback or very exceptional?

Stephen A. Smith: Now, Molly, I’ve been thinking about this for a long time. I stayed up all night wrestling with it. But today, there is no doubt that Tom Brady is an exceptional quarterback like the great Peyton Manning! And to say anything more would be blasphemy! Period!

Michael Irvin: Excuse me, Stephen A. Tom Brady is very exceptional. Okay? And Peyton Manning? Please! Tom Brady would beat Peyton Manning in a cakewalk. It’d be more than a cakewalk. It would be a cake run.

Stephen A. Smith: Ridiculous.

Michael Irvin: A cake swim and a cake road trip down Highway 95! No man has never, ever seen a cake travel so quickly, period.

Molly Qerim: Okay, guys, people are still letting their coffee kick in, and you already sound like you’ve been hit by a bulldozer of cocaine.

Michael Irvin: Hey. Don’t threaten me with a good time. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Molly Qerim: Okay. To settle this, let’s go to Todd Levane from the fan site Sports Horse. Todd, is Tom Brady exceptional or very exceptional?

Todd Levane: Okay, first of all, everybody, thanks for mounting the Sports Horse. Hold on tight ’cause this bronco bucks. [horse neighs] Okay, Michael, I know you played in the NFL for twelve years. You’re a hall of famer. I just started a website. But you know nothing about football! Thomas Edward Patrick Brady is not exceptional! He’s not very exceptional! He’s clearly very, very exceptional!

Michael Irvin: What? Oh, no, he did not. No, he didn’t.

Todd Levane: Tom Brady plays like he’s always got a chip on his shoulder and his back against the wall, and that’s why he is the supreme dominator of men! He eats planets! And that’s straight from the horse’s mouth! [horse neighs]

Molly Qerim: Okay. Love that passion. But, guys, people have the show on in the background while folding laundry, and you’re scaring them and waking up the baby. Alright, so, let’s talk about it. Does Tom Brady play like his back is against the wall or like there’s a chip on his shoulder?

Stephen A. Smith: Molly, I’ve thought a lot about this question. A lot. I meditated on it. Then I took a monthlong sabbatical! I ate, I prayed, I loved! And then I came back with an answer. And it is indisputable that Tom Brady plays with a chip on his shoulder because when the chips are down, you still got a chip right by your face!

Molly Qerim: Well, to put this in perspective, the Sports Bureau is saying that–

Michael Irvin: M-M-M-Molly, Molly, Molly. Molly. Uh, okay, you the glue, okay, that keeps this show together, but, uh, please shut up. Because I got to scream. Stephen A.! I am not going to sit here and listen to your nonsense! I am going to stand and listen to it while I breathe heavy like a video game character on pause.

Stephen A. Smith: Well, go ahead. All I’m saying…. All I’m saying–

Michael Irvin: Stephen! No! You have offended me as a man. As a father, as a brother, and as a nephew.

Stephen A. Smith: Good.

Michael Irvin: Tom Brady must put his play,  put his– He got to play with his back on the wall! You understand me? That’s open, shut, and locked!

Todd Levane: Yeah, lock it up, Michael! Lock it up and bury it a mile deep in the sea, deep in Davy Jones’ locker, where darkness goes to die! You best start believing in the Sports Horse, Mr. Irvin, ’cause you’re in one! [horse neighs]

Michael Irvin: Thank you, thank you. But Tom Brady has given us more years of quality entertainment than Frank Sinatra himself.

Stephen A. Smith: Oh, my God!

Michael Irvin: What? Am I wrong? Am I wrong?

Stephen A. Smith: Come on! You’re bringing up Frank Sinatra? That is clearly an apples and oranges comparison!

Molly Qerim: Well, and that’s our next big sports question. Guys, apples or oranges?

Stephen A. Smith: Now, Molly, I’ve thought about this question my entire life! I recently had a long heroic battle with COVID. Almost died! I went to the light and I looked at the face of God, and I asked him this very question. Molly, it’s apples.

Michael Irvin: I’m gonna stop you right there, Stephen A. With all due respect, god is wrong. Okay? God does not have this here Super Bowl ring on his finger, so he don’t know the magnificent glory of oranges, alright? Like they say, in America, “It’s as American as orange pie.”

Todd Levane: Oh, please! You’re asking the wrong question! It’s not apples and oranges! It’s asparagus and nickels! End of discussion! Don’t poke the horse! [horse neighs]

Molly Qerim: Well, I am glad we settled that. Still an hour and 55 minutes to go. Alright. Let’s take a break. When we come back, we’ll switch gears and talk to the head of NFL’s new anti-bullying charity, time out for kids, Martin Murphy.

Martin Murphy: Hey, guys, thanks. Delighted to be here. And it’s apples. And anyone who disagrees is a disgusting loser and a moron!

NBA on TNT

Ernie Johnson…Alex Moffat

Charles Barkley… Kenan Thompson

Kenny Smith… Chris Redd

Yao Ming… Bowen Yang

Hannah Dolton… Heidi Gardner

Riley Beckwith… Mikey Day

Alicia Miller… Ariana DeBose

Patrick Bemis… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with NBA TNT intro]

[cut to Ernie Johnson, Charles Barkley and Kenny Smith in their set]

Ernie Johnson: Welcome back to NBA on TNT halftime. Nets and Kings Ernie Johnson joined by my pals Charles Barkley and K Smith. Shaq is unfortunately out sick.

Charles Barkley: Yeah, he said he got some the cold Shaq flu. But let’s call it what it is. The man has COVID.

Ernie Johnson: Hey, Charles, you don’t know that for sure. Filling in for Shaq is another big man. Yao Ming.

Yao Ming: Yes, you’re always here. Hello?

Charles Barkley: Yao, you are enormous, man. Before the show, I watched his man eat an entire pumpkin. Stemming on.

Yao Ming: It’s just a snack for Yao.

Ernie Johnson: Well, speaking of COVID, before the game the Kings entire team tested positive along with most of their coaching staff and trainers. And they were forced to find replacements very quick. But they did, and that the half, it’s Nets lead the Kings to 68-1. Charles, why can’t Sacramento get anything going tonight?

Charles Barkley: Well, in my opinion, the biggest thing to me is that the Kings don’t have any NBA players on their team. Whereas the Nets do.

Kenny Smith: Yeah, I wrote down the same thing. And you can see how the Kings’ lack of NBA players is reflected in the score.

Ernie Johnson: Yeah, the Kings players tonight are all fans or arena support staff. Any thoughts? Any thoughts? Yao?

Yao Ming: They’re tiny people. Too small.

Ernie Johnson: Well said, Yao. Let’s look at a matchup here. At forward, we have James Harden for the nets and equipment manager Duggie McCormick for the Kings.

Charles Barkley: Okay, look at those numbers. McCormick’s just getting outplayed out there. And the two asthma attacks didn’t help.

Ernie Johnson: That’s been the case for many Kings players tonight. Hannah Dolton is court side with one of them now. Hannah.

Hannah Dolton: I’m here with Riley Beckwith. [Riley Beckwith is all bruised and bleeding] What position did you play tonight?

Riley Beckwith: Oh, left side.

Hannah Dolton: Not the best first half for the Kings. And what was it like out on the court?

Riley Beckwith: Oh, yeah. Sorry. Kind of winded. Working hard out there. You’re tall. How tall are you?

Hannah Dolton: 5’7”

Riley Beckwith: Okay. Tall. Yeah, look, I mean, Brooklyn came to play tonight. I was confident going in, because I played pickup B-ball at my gym with a bunch of white guys my size. But being out there against the Nets, I realized that basketball is an impossible sport played by giants and gods.

Hannah Dolton: Well, good luck in the second half.

Riley Beckwith: Oh, thank you so much. I won’t be here. I’m scared. So, I’m going home. Thank you so much.

Ernie Johnson: Well, not every Kings player has been shut out. Alicia Miller managed to put one on the board for Sacramento. She joins us now. Oh, Alicia. I understand you came to the game with some friends and then you were asked to play.

Alicia Miller: Yeah. Now, this is like the craziest girls night ever.

Ernie Johnson: And you made a free throw.

Alicia Miller: I did. It was underhand too.

Ernie Johnson: Cool. Now, you’re also called for traveling 39 times.

Alicia Miller: I know. I keep forgetting to bounce the ball.

Ernie Johnson: Yeah, well then you got ejected for taking a selfie with Blake Griffin during the game.

Alicia Miller: Okay. But I had to. I didn’t know if I would see him again. You know you gotta like, shoot your shot.

Ernie Johnson: Well, speaking of shooting shots, you guys are an astounding 0-3 from the field with 184 block shots.

Alicia Miller: I don’t really know what that means. But you know go SACs.

Ernie Johnson: well, thank you Alicia.

Kenny Smith: Couple of NBA records tonight. Most points scored by a player in the first half, Kevin Durant with 178. And most players crying on the court at once, six kings players were crying at the same time.

Charles Barkley: Hold on. I’m sorry. But I just got a glimpse of Yao’s hands. It is huge, man. Put it up to mine. Let me see. Look at it. Man is like the iron giant. No! No! Not on my face, man. Get out of here.

Ernie Johnson: Well, let’s go right to the source of the Kings issues tonight. Temporary coach Patrick Bemis joins us live. Now, you coach at little dunkers day camp.

Patrick Bemis: That’s correct. I coach my son’s team. He was actually drafted too. He’s been guarding Kyrie Irving.

Charles Barkley: Oh, yeah. I think we got a picture of that.

[cut to a picture. His son is just a kid who’s under seven years old.]

Patrick Bemis: Yeah. He actually got kind of hurt there. We kind of hope we both get COVID so we can leave.

Ernie Johnson: Sounds about right. Thank you Coach. Kenny, how can Shaq town pull off a win tonight?

Kenny Smith: No, I’d say if Kings player has some sort of Space Jam like Mike magical shoes situation, they might be able to salvage a win. Charles?

Charles Barkley: Well, my prediction is I’m out of Ernie Johnson00 grand because I bet on these clowns to win. Why do I do this to myself?

Ernie Johnson: I don’t know. All right. Well, we got to take a break. Yao, you want to throw us to commercial bud?

Yao Ming: Goodbye.

Charles Barkley: Yao, I love you, man. You know what? Come on. Let’s get this man another pumpkin. We’ll be right back.

Kitchen Staff

Jana… Ariana DeBose

Grady… James Austin Johnson

Miss Samua… Heidi Garner

Chef… Andrew Dismukes

Floyd… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Jana and Grady working in the kitchen of a restaurant]

Jana: Man, I cannot believe I’m working on double the night. Ain’t no one in Texarkana spending a New Year’s Eve at Longhorn steakhouse

Grady: I know it sucks. But at the end of the day, it’s gonna be working.

[Miss Samua walks in]

Miss Samua: Dana, Grady, what y’all doing back here ler?

Jana: We’re just prepping the salads, Miss Samua.

Miss Samua: Why y’all preppin Salads when I found two empty A-Janas in the dining room ler? This is Longhorn steakhouse. People expect to be dazzled ler.

[Miss Samua walks out]

Jana: I can’t stand Miss Samua. You ever notice how she says ‘ler’ after everything? Like, what the hell is ler?

Grady: I don’t know. But end of day, she is the boss.

[Chef walks in]

Chef: You’re talking about ler?

Grady: Oh yeah.

Jana: You know, I don’t know what you talking about, Rene.

Chef: Oh, nah, nah. I heard you talking about how Miss Samua always says ler. I ain’t never heard ler in my life.

Grady: Guys, guys, guys, come on now. I just want to get through the shift so I can get up early. And take my girls kids to the trampoline place tomorrow end of the.

[Miss Samua walks in]

Miss Samua: Rene, where is your apron? It is New Year’s Eve. My ass is on the line ler.

Chef: Ay, Miss Samua. What ler?

Miss Samua: Excuse me?

Chef: Ler. What is ler?

Miss Samua: Rene, I can never understand you. Now, get back ler. To work, ler. Or ya’ll be in big trouble, Jana.

Jana: Hmm! Why she got to single me out? Huh? I can just– Oh! No!

Grady: Chill Jana, chill. You know she ain’t worth it end of the day. End of the day, you can’t let her get to you cause end of the day, that’s what she wants end of the day.

Chef: End of the day, Miss Samua, she was on me by some bow. I just had to walk away end of day.

[Floyd walks in]

Floyd: Y’all talking about ler? Ha-ha-ha. Last week she got on me about how I wasn’t sweeping the parking lot end of the night. End of night, I don’t sweep the parking lot. She said, “Yes, you do.” Like end of day, I don’t know what I’m going to do end of night. End of day but it’s end of night. I know what that do at the end of the day. End of day, I do what I do end of night.

Jana: Floyd, I couldn’t have said it any better end of day. Umm-umm.

[Miss Samua walks in]

Miss Samua: Oh, Jana. I have had my limit with you. If you don’t get to working, you will be done at the Texarkana Longhorn Steakhouse in Texas, I will have you transferred to the Texarkana Longhorn Steakhouse in Arkansas ler.

Jana: Okay. Miss Samua, you done done it now. You and me. Let’s go.

Miss Samua: Oh yeah? I’ll kick your ass.

Chef: Hey! Everybody got their own going on going on. Grady gotta go trampoline place tomorrow. Floyd got to sweep end of night. And Miss Samua say ler. End of day, I ain’t the reddest Mudbug. But we are family. Like my mama say, to people don’t be dead don’t don’t want to be dead dead don’t be dead dead when de way. Peace.

Miss Samua: Jana, I know I ride you hard. But it’s just because I see so much of myself in you lar.

Jana: End of day, Miss Samua, I hate you. Coz I lur you.

Christmas Cards

Alex Moffat

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with Alex getting back home from work]

Melissa: Hey, sweetie, how was work?

Alex: Oh, baby. Incredible. Incredible. We had a great meeting about some exciting emerging markets with growth potential. You want to hear the deeds?

Melissa: No thanks. But look what I did. I put up all our Christmas cards on the fridge. What’s festive, right?

Alex: Yeah. Wow. We got a lot of cards this year. Man. We know a lot of people, huh?

[Cut to a card where there’s a picture of a family with many kids]

Mikey: People like me, your super white, super Christian neighbor. Here on the beach with my wife and our army of blonde children. All in matching white shirts and jeans.

Chloe: And yes, this is the seventh Christmas card in a row I’ve been pregnant. I’m never not pregnant.

[Cut to a card where there’s a picture of a white woman and a black man. The woman is pregnant.]

Heidi: Did someone use the word pregnant? I am too. I’m your cousin who’s made pregnancy my entire personality. I started planning this Christmas card as I was peeing on the pregnancy tests.

Chris: And I’m the husband whose name you will never learn. As you can see my eyes, I’m not that into this card concept but she is. I wasn’t given a choice.

[Cut to a card where there’s a picture a man who has hunted a deer]

Pete: Speaking of cousins, I’m your cousin from Wisconsin. Merry Christmas for me and this animal I killed.

Alex: Man everybody looks so happy but I don’t recognize her though.

[Cut to a card where there’s a picture of a black woman]

Donna: Happy holidays from Dr. Donna Woods of smile time dental partners. You are two years late for your six months cleaning.

Melissa: I’ll go and COVID’s over. Oh, did you see Pearson Leonard’s card?

[Cut to a card where there’s a picture of a gay couple]

Pearson: Of course, you di. It’s stunning.

Kenan: Stunning.

Pearson: What else would you expect from the well off middle aged gay couple your wife is friends with? As usual, we’re dressed to the nines and holding our gross old little dog you cannot believe is still alive.

Alex: Oh my god, that rat dog of theirs is still alive? How?

Kenan: Simple, hundreds of thousands of dollars in medical procedures. That’s how. All of which the vet prefaced with? I mean, what are we gaining? Two, three months at the most?

Alex: Wait, is that your friend Ruth with Miley Cyrus? Are they friends?

[Cut to a card where there’s a picture of a black woman with Miley Cyrus]

Ruth: No, we are not. For what better way to remind you that I met a celebrity at a restaurant 11 months ago than with my Christmas card?

Miley Cyrus: This woman came up to my table and said, “You’re Anna Montana”, and then said that she hated my music.

Ruth: I’m just being honest. It’s not for me.

Miley Cyrus: She asked for a photo and implied that if I didn’t take it, it was because I was racist.

Ruth: That’s true. And I use that a lot.

Miley Cyrus: So, I took the picture. So, I guess Merry Christmas from Miley and…

Ruth: You don’t know my name? You racist.

Melissa: Man Ruth is so cool. She’s friends with famous people. Oh, by the way, who’s Barbara Jacobs again?

Alex: That’s one of my mom’s friends.

[Cut to a card where there’s a picture of a woman in her snorkeling suit]

Barbara: Happy holidays for me. Your mom’s single friend who’s looked 52 years old since you were a baby. You’re now the drill. Every year my Christmas card is a picture of me alone on a crazy ass vacation. Last year I was on top of a mountain. This year I’m snorkeling off the coast of a volcano. What’s my deal? Am I a lesbian or a wealthy widow? You don’t care enough to ask your mom so y’all never know.

Alex: Wait. Who’s that in the pajamas?

Melissa: That’s Harper. We went to high school together.

Alex: Oh, and you guys were friends?

Melissa: Yeah.

[Cut to a card where there’s a picture of a woman and a man and a boy wearing same shirt]

Harper: No, we weren’t. I made her life a living hell. What’s new with me? Let’s see. Still a bitch. Still richer than her and still married to my handsome yet boring husband who cheats on me?

Husband: Ha-ha-ha. I do cheat on her a lot.

Harper: What else? Oh, my son is 15 now. He’s growing into a fine young INCEL.

Boy: It’s a girl’s faults that I’m not cool.

Harper: And if our matching pajamas don’t make you hate us, flip the card for a long braggy list of what our family did this year.

Husband: Spoiler alert. We moved into a huge house on the lake.

Boy: I don’t like the lake because you have to wear swim trunks and I’m at the part of puberty where I look like a newborn giraffe.

Harper: Even though you think I’m a tacky fake bitch, I know that my Christmas cards make you jealous. And I love that I still have that power over you. So, Happy Holidays, tampon girl. That’s what I called your wife in high school.

Alex: Wow, Harper seems real nice. Hey, thanks for doing this babe. You know, I love that we can just see all of our friends and family just by walking into the kitchen.

[phone notification ring]

Melissa: Oh, oh no. Leonard’s dog is going into surgery again.

Kenan: Tthoughts and prayers for our beloved Pablo. He needs a new spine.

Pearson: It’s gonna cost $150,000 But how can you say no to this thing?

Thanksgiving Baking Championship

Host… Alex Moffat

Stacy… Sarah Sherman

Mike… Simu Liu

Sandy… Heidi Gardner

Judges… Ego Nwodim, Pete Davidson, Aidy Bryant

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: We now return to the Thanksgiving Baking Championship.

[Cut to bakes and the host]

Host: Okay, Baker’s. Time is up. Today’s theme was giving thanks and you had two hours to create cakes based on what you’re most thankful for. First up is home Baker, Stacy.

Stacy: Hi, judges. I can’t believe I’m here.

Ego: We’re glad you are. Now tell us what you made today.

Stacy: Well, I always worried I would never have children. So, this year I’m thankful for my beautiful baby girl who turns three this Thanksgiving. So, my cake is bubblegum sponge covered in sweet vanilla fondant. And my little girl just had her first dance recital so she’s wearing a pink tutu made of Spun Sugar.

Pete: That is adorable. I’m dying.

Stacy: Thank you. I’m almost as proud of her as I am with the cake.

Ego: Oh, well. Let’s see it.

[Stacy shows the judges her cake. It’s bad.]

Stacy: Yeah, I messed up.

Pete: Whoa, Stacy. It looks like you had a little trouble there.

Stacy: Yeah, I messed up. I thought if I pretended to cry, you wouldn’t noticed that my cake was bad.

Aidy: Okay, so where did you go wrong?

Stacy: Yeah. I had trouble was her head. So, I turned into a diaper. And then I put a yellow legs on her. I don’t I don’t know.

Ego: Well let’s sample the cake.

[The judges taste the cake]

Pete: Okay, I’m getting a lot of mustard.

Stacy: Yeah, I do not know how to bake. I also do not have a daughter. I made that all up.

Host: Wow, you are a mess. Next up is home Baker and amateur rapper, Mike.

Mike: Hi, judges. Happy bakesgiving.

Pete: [eating the cake] Ay, cute pun. And Mike, I have to ask. You rap?

Mike: Oh, I really do. And if I may.

[rapping] My name is Mike and I’m here to bake
the make the cake, the–

Aidy: Wow! Got a little tongue tied there. But let’s hear what you’re thankful for.

Mike: Well, this year I’m most thankful for time with friends and family. So, in the spirit of abundance, I made two cakes. So, first is a pilgrim made from butterscotch pound cake and European buttercream. The second cake is a faux Turkey made with Angel Food and caramel icing. Save me a drumstick. Save me a drumstick.

Ego: Wow, two cakes. That’s a fast. Let’s see them.

[Mike shows the judges his cakes. They’re really bad.]

Mike: Yeah, I did it wrong.

Pete: Oh! Mike! What happened?

Mike: I think just total lack of imagination and ability.

Ego: Why did you give the pilgrim red lips?

Mike: I don’t know. I don’t remember doing any of this.

Host: Oh, that’s too bad. Next up is returning contestant, Sandy.

Sandy: Hi, judges. I pulled out all the stops today with my three layer fall Fantasia maple bourbon wedding cake.

[Sandy shows the judges her cake. It looks fantastic.]

[the judges are whispering]

Aidy: Okay.

Host: Next up is Ralph.

Sandy: What? No! This is good.

Pete: Well, you said it’s three layers and this is only two.

Sandy: His cake is horrible and you didn’t even taste it.

Ego: Alright, Mike, can we taste you cake?

Mike: Really? Uh, yeah, sure. I guess.

[While Mike tries to cut the cake, the cake opens its eyes and screams]

Ego: Mike did your cake just open its eyes and scream. How’s it doing that?

Mike: I don’t know. I think my cake is so bad, I opened a portal to hell.

Pete: Well, we still need to taste it.

Mike: Of course, of course.

[Mike tries to cut another cake. The cake starts puking.]

Aidy: Mike., did the pilgrim just barf on the turkey?

Mike: I believe it did, ma’am. It’s squeamish, I guess.

Sandy: That’s so disgusting. That is not up to baking challenge standards.

[Mike’s cake turns towards Sandy and starts puking on her]

Oh my god! Ew!

Ego: Well, Sandy, you asked for that.

Mike: Argh! Should I go? I feel like I should go.

Pete: No, Mike, it’s anyone’s game. Ralph?

5: Well, it’s easy to look back at Thanksgivings of old. But what will Thanksgivings be in the future? Thanks to a new era of space travel, we may know sooner than we think. My cake is a tribute to that.

[5 shows the judges his cake. It looks like a penis ejaculating.]

Aidy: Okay. And the white stuff is like the re-entering the atmosphere?

5: Yes, ma’am. And the spunk is icing.

Ego: Looks like we have a tough decision to make.

Sandy: No, you don’t.

Jeanine Pirro Cold Open

Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong

Bruce Schroeder… Mikey Day

Sandara Cummings… Chloe Fineman

Samuel Fields… Chris Redd

Kevin McCarthy… Alex Moffat

Donald Trump… James Austin Johnson

[Starts with show intro]

[Cut to Jeanine Pirro in her set.]

Jeanine Pirro: Good evening, I’m Judge Jeanine Pirro. And if anyone watching is wearing a hearing aid, sorry, you’re dead now. On top Story, Kyle Rittenhouse was acquitted of all charges. That lovable scamp was put through a nightmare of a trial just for doing the bravest thing any American can do, protecting an empty use car lot in someone else’s town. Now, on to our first guest. He’s as impartial as a dance mom clapping harder than anyone. Please welcome Judge Bruce Schroeder.

Bruce Schroeder: Thank you. Thank you. It’s a pleasure to be here with a fellow judge.

Jeanine Pirro: Oh, well, thank you for acknowledging my expertise. You may remember that I was in charge of investigating Robert Durst for murder back in 83. Wow, folks, 30 years and one additional murder later we got him. Now, if I may say judge to judge, what turned me on the most was how you ruled that courtroom with an iron fist. Tell us how you did it.

Bruce Schroeder: Well, it was all standard procedure. That’s why I ordered that the prosecution not use the word victims. They were rioters and they weren’t shocked. They were gadoinked! But that did not give my client an unfair advantage in any way.

Jeanine Pirro: You said my client. Do you mean the defendant?

Bruce Schroeder: Oh, yeah, sure. I keep doing it.

Jeanine Pirro: Well, you do you, judge. You do you. Thanks for coming. Predictably, the loony liberal outrage machines in overdrive. And you know how much we love liberal tears around here. So, I decided to invite two of them here tonight. Please welcome legal analysts for nasty NPR, Sandra Cummings, and Professor of Law at Howard University, Samuel fields. Welcome to the show.

Sandara Cummings: We were told you invited us in the interest of fairness.

Jeanine Pirro: And you fell for it. That’s our new dumb dumb. Sandra, were you surprised by yesterday’s verdict?

Sandara Cummings: Surprised that he was exonerated on all charges? That’s putting it mildly. I was shocked.

Samuel Fields: You were? Because I wasn’t.

Sandara Cummings: I’ve never seen anything like it before.

Samuel Fields: I have. Many, many times.

Sandara Cummings: I mean, this is not who we are.

Samuel Fields: I feel like it kinda is though.

Sandara Cummings: And all this does is send the message that any American can just prowl the streets with an AK-47.

Samuel Fields: Any American? I think you’re missing a keyword there.

Sandara Cummings: All we can hope for is that at this point is that this will be a call to finally change the system.

Samuel Fields: And that call will go right to voicemail and the mailbox is full.

Jeanine Pirro: Wow. Very interesting. Well, your segments’ over and my mug is empty. [the mug has ‘Liberal Tears’ written on it] So, you gotta go. Now on a more inspiring note, Kevin McCarthy rocked the house down with his awe inspiring eight hour tirade against the build back better bill, demonstrating why the filibuster is vital to our democracy. Let’s take a look at our six of his rhetorical masterpiece.

[Cut to Kevin McCarthy speaking]

Kevin McCarthy: The Democrats are trying to flip this thing around. [does the bottle flip but the bottle falls] Excuse me. Democrats trying to flip this thing around. [does the bottle flip but the bottle falls again. Excuse me. Flip it around. [does the bottle flip but the bottle falls again] Okay. I could do it before.

Jeanine Pirro: And that brave man stops the build back better bill from being passed u…ntil the next day when it passed in two minutes. Meanwhile, what was President Brandon doing? Getting socialized Buck play paid for by your tax dollars. Now Democrats are praising passed out Joe for his big deal infrastructure bill. But where’s the thanks for the real Muchacho who got this done? Please welcome [pointing at herself] this people’s sexiest man alive, President Donald J. Trump.

Donald Trump: Thank you very much, Jadice. Wonderful to be here.

Jeanine Pirro Now, I know you have a lot of thoughts on the infrastructure bill. So, if it’s okay, I’m just gonna let you riff while I sit here and get absolutely rock hard.

Donald Trump: Well, you know, I’m glad you brought up that terrible bill because the truth is nobody did more for infrastructure than me. And meople are saying…  and you know what? Meple of course are people who are me. They’re saying I built it back even… You know what? I think even a little bit better because I did wall, okay? Big, beautiful wall. It’s not just well, because when you put wall down through a grassy field, frankly, that’s road. And if you take wall and lay it across the river frankly, Jeanie, we’re doing bridge.

Jeanine Pirro: Wow. I imagining.

Donald Trump: You know what? Can I get 60 seconds on the clock, please? Because this bill is… You know what? Sleepy Joe Biden is such a disaster. We’re coming back. We’re coming back in 2024. We’re doing the reboot, okay? Everyone loves reboots. People loved it before. They’re gonna like it again. Okay. Just like iCarly. Just like iCarly. But not all reboots are good. Okay, Joe Biden tried to reboot Obama and it flopped. Okay? It flopped really bad just like the female Ghostbusters. Speaking of Girl, why did that– Why did they reboot Gossip Girl? Why the hell? You simply can’t match. You cannot match the electricity of Chuck Bass and Blair Waldorf.  You know, there were times when Blair was a bad friend to Serena and sometimes… You know what? This was true. Sometimes Serena was the bad friend of Blair.

Jeanine Pirro: [crushing over Donald Trump] Oh, oh, I hope this never ends.

Donald Trump: Alright. Can I get 60 More seconds? You know what? Why don’t we try a word search this time. Can we make it word search? I’d love it if it was word search. And you know what? I was treated very unfairly by Chris Christie. He was very nasty and he said very nasty things about me on Bill Maher. And you know what? Boy Chris? I mean, we love him. He’s a wonderful person. But you know what? We don’t like him very much. I think we hate him. And you know? Boy, Chris wasn’t even the main interview. He had to sit on the panel with all the other dogs and watch bill do the new rules. And you know what? Speaking of new rules, Dua Lipa is one of our best. Frankly, in terms of singer you can’t do better than Dua Lipa. But you know what? Her husband, who is not very attractive. You know what? It’s terrible what they’re doing with Dua Lipa’s husband not being attractive. We have to do something about it. She’s tall. She’s Albanian which is basically white. And you know who else is white? Bob the Builder. BUILD THE WALL Trump 2024.

Jeanine Pirro: Wow, we found all the words. And that’s BINGO baby. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night. ladies and gentlemen thank you very much.

 

Ted Cruz Sesame Street Cold Open

Ted Cruz… Aidy Bryant

Marjorie Taylor Greene… Cecily Strong

Big Bird… Kyle Mooney

Joe Rogan… Pete Davidson

Ernie… Mikey Day

Bert… Alex Moffat

Oscar…Chris Redd

Dracula… Aristotle Athari

Britney Spears… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with channel intro]

Male voice: You’re watching Newsmax kids. At one it’s White Power Ranger. But first, it’s Ted Cruz Street.

[Cut to Ted Cruz standing in front of a door.]

Ted Cruz: Hello. Hello, I’m Texas senator and the last one invited to Thanksgiving, Ted Cruz. You know, for Ernie0 years I stood by Sesame Street, taught our children dangerous ideas like numbers and kindness. But when Big Bird told children to get vaccinated against deadly disease, I said, “Enough!”. And I created my own Sesame Street called Cruz Street. It’s a gated community where kids are safe from the World Government. Tell them kids.

[There are three kids who are singing]

Kids: Cruzy days
sweeping the libs away
and he hopes you’ll say

that his beard looks sweet

Ted Cruz: Grab an eagle and a gun

Kids: Bring that gun to cruz street

[Marjorie Taylor Greene walks in with a rifle]

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Did someone say bring gun?

Ted Cruz: Oh. Marjorie Taylor Greene. What are you doing here?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: I’m just taking a break from releasing the phone numbers of Republicans who voted for the infrastructure bill so they and their families get death threats. And I thought I’d stop by. Here kid, you want to hold the AR-Ted CruzErnie?

Andrew: I don’t think I should.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Pussy.

Ted Cruz: And I hear you have a word from our sponsor.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: That’s right. Today’s episode is brought to you by Q. Not the letter, the man. He will tell us when JFK Jr. who is alive will reveal himself and help President Trump reclaim his rightful throne.

Ted Cruz: Everything about that sounds right. Thanks, Marjorie.

Marjorie Taylor Greene:  I represent America.

Ted Cruz: Now, as you know, I was mocked for attacking Big Bird on Twitter, simply because I’m a human senator and he is an eight foot tall fictional bird. But let’s see what happened to Big Bird after he got the vaccine.

[Big Bird walks in. It’s a guy wearing yellow bird costume]

Big Bird: Oh, man. I don’t feel too good.

Ted Cruz: Wow. So this is what happened to you a week after you got the vaccine?

Big Bird: It sure is. My feathers fell out. My nuts got huge. And my joints don’t work. It’s real bad man.

Ted Cruz: Well, don’t worry. I read online that you can take a bath in Borax, and that will cleanse you have any nanotechnology?

Andrew: You’re sure, Senator Cruz? That sounds kind of dumb.

Ted Cruz: No. You’re dumb. Borax is cool.

Big Bird: Maybe the vaccine gave me COVID.

Ted Cruz: Yes, yes, that sounds correct. Let’s ask our resident medical expert, Joe Rogan.

[Joe Rogan walks in eating chips]

Joe Rogan: Yes, that’s right. I used to host Fear Factor and now doctors fear me.

Big Bird: Can you help me, Joe?

Joe Rogan: Oh, sure thing Big Bird. You see, I took Carlos Mencia down. I can take COVID. Here some zinc, and ayahuasca and some horse medicine.

Big Bird: But why would a bird take horse medicine?

Joe Rogan: I’m a human and I took horse medicine. And I’m speaking of things that are a horse like. Today’s two sponsors are the letters S and D as in I can S my own D.

Bowen: Oh my god. Isn’t this for kids?

Andrew: No one under 65 watches.

Melissa: I’m almost 30.

Ted Cruz: Thanks, Joe Rogan. But S and D aren’t the only letters we’re talking about today. There’s also three terrible letters C, R and T. Critical Race Theory. And I think it stands for Caucasian Rights Trampled. That’s why the proud boys have been invading school board meetings to keep CRT out of our classrooms. Please welcome to have the proud boys, Bert and Ernie.

[Ernie and Bert walk in]

Ernie: Hi. Hi, Ted.

Bert: And yeah, we are out and proud.

Ted Cruz: That’s right. They are out there every day proudly fighting the progressive agenda.

Ernie: Our relationship has progressed a bit.

Bert: We got engaged. [showing their rings] Ha-ha-ha.

Ted Cruz: Engaged in a battle against the tyranny of wokers.

Ernie: Hey, Bert, let’s go take a bath.

[Ernie and Bert leave]

Ted Cruz: Their girlfriends are very lucky. Now another danger facing our country is the Democrats new social safety net bill.

[Oscar comes out of trash can. He’s wearing Grinch costume.]

Oscar: Did somebody say free money?

Ted Cruz: Uh-oh, it’s been Nemesis Oscar the slouch. He’s been trained by the Democrats to suck up the the government.

Oscar: That’s right. Papa Joe Biden gave me so many STEMIs, I decided to quit working and live in this trash can. Now you all work hard and Biden gives me your money.

Ted Cruz: Wow. And you have no shame about that?

Oscar: Um-um. I’m proud of it. I’m a ward of the state. I use your tax money on drugs and pornography.

Ted Cruz: At least he admitted it. All Democrats are him. Let’s take a quick break. And when we return we’ll find out how Trump definitely won the election with the recount count.

[ A guys walks in Dracula custume.]

Dracula: I’m moving to Arizona.

Ted Cruz: And don’t miss our Word of the day, Freedom, with Miss Britney Spears.

[Britney Spears walks in dancing]

Britney Spears: Oh my god, you guys. We did it.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.