Tag: Cecily Strong

Hello Kitty

Cecily Strong

Molly Kearney

Marcello Hernandez

Bowen Yang

Keke Palmer

Sarah Sherman

[Starts with Cecily and Molly training the trainees]

Cecily: Hello, everyone, welcome to new employee training here at New York City’s first ever Hello Kitty store.

Molly: Who’s excited? Show us.

Trainees: Whoo!

Marcello: Let’s do it.

Bowen: Can’t weit. I love Hello Kitty.

Keke: Me too. Dream job alert.

Molly: Now as employees, you have to be prepared to answer any questions about Sam Rios Official Hello Kitty story.

Cecily: Yes. So if you open to page five of your employee manuals, you’ll see a list of facts about Hello Kitty. So as you can see, she loves to bake cookies. She goes to school and she’s actually not a cat. She is a human little girl.

Sarah: Hah, intresting.

Marcello: I never knew that.

Bowen: What?

Keke: No.

Cecily: Yeah, it’s a fun fact, right?

Molly: Now, isn’t this a sweet one? Hello Kitty’s favorite food is a mama’s apple pie.

Bowen: Hey, why did you say hello kitty as a human little girl?

Cecily: Well, because it’s true. According to the creator’s Hello Kitty is a human little girl.

Keke: So you’re saying if you had a baby and it came out looking like Hello Kitty, you think that baby was a human baby?

Bowen: Because I would tell the doctor to throw it away.

Cecily: Well, that’s not at all what I’m saying. These are just the official Sanrio facts about Hello Kitty.

Molly: Maybe we should move on. So Hello Kitty is in third grade, and fun fact, she lives in London.

Marcello: [fake British accent] Oh wicked, in’it?

Sarah: Cheerios.

Cecily: Good. She also has a boyfriend Dear Daniel. And unlike Hello Kitty, he actually is the cat.

Bowen: So the girl is a person, but the one in the suit and ties the cat?

Cecily: Yeah.

Molly: Yes.

Bowen: Yeah, okay, that’s not gonna work for me.

Keke: And they’re dating. So you’re telling us these two are clapping cheeks bear back.

Cecily: Bear back? Yeah. Hey, no, we don’t talk that way at Sanrio.

Bowen: I’m sorry. Is this not crazy to you guys?

Sarah: I guess it’s a little weird, but I don’t care about this job. It just seems like an insane place to get high.

Molly: We’re almost done. Okay, if people ask, Hello Kitty loves candy. She weighs five apples tall and she weighs three apples.

Keke: She’s measured in apples?

Molly: She’s also in third grade. She was born in 1974.

Keke: So She’s 48 years old?

Bowen: You’re telling me she’s a 48 year old third grader who’s clapping cheeks with a cat, no Jimmy?

Cecily: Nah. Nah. We don’t talk about clapping cheeks at Sanrio.

Molly: She loves milk. Her favorite shoes are sandals.

Keke: What’s her race?

Cecily: What?

Keke: What’s Hello Kitty’s race?

Cecily: She doesn’t have one.

Bowen: You didn’t want to touch that one? She has an age, height, pet in relationship, but she’s raceless?

Keke: Okay, and she could just be anything, say she’s black.

Cecily: I’m sorry. Excuse me?

Keke: Say that little white girl is black.

Cecily: No. We’re not going to do that.

Bowen: Do you like this? Confusing us with your lies about Hello Kitty having sex and how big apples are?

Keke: Because we only recognize one big apple. New York. The best city in the world, and we’re not gonna let you ruin it.

Bowen: Who’s with us?

james: [holding a shovel] I am.

Punkie: [holding an axe] I am too.

Heidi: [wearing statue of liberty outfit] Because I am New York.

Devon: And I am New York.

Andrew: [wearing Spiderman costume] And if you mess with Hello Kitty, you mess with New York.

Michael: [walking in with Hello Kitty] Isn’t that right, Hello Kitty?

[Hello Kitty opens her kitty mask. It’s Natasha Leon.]

Natasha: Yeah. Just tell us the truth, lady.

Cecily: Natasha Leone. What do you want?

Natasha: This is New York. So say that Hello Kitty isn’t a little human girl. Say she’s a cat.

Cecily: Okay, fine. She’s a cat.

[everyone starts celebrating]

Bowen: Now, come on, everybody. I gotta sell tickets to see the Yankees on Broadway at Madison Square Garden.

All: New York!

Male voice: Hello Kitty is a human? Forget about it. Paid for by the city of New York.

Forceington’s Ridge

Alexia… Cecily Strong

Bowen Yang

Sandrine… Keke Palmer

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: You’re watching the soap channel. We now return to a classic 1984 episode of Forceington’s Ridge.

[Cut to the show. Alexia is hosting a party.]

Alexia: Everyone, I hope you’re all enjoying the champagne. It’s made right here at Forceington Vineyards. And if you’re lucky, I’ll give you the recipe.

Bowen: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Oh Alexia, your drugs like you’re brave hairdos always worth.

Alexia: Someone’s trying to butter me up before I judge the Polo horse race contest this afternoon.

Bowen: Oh, Alexia, I don’t need luck. My horse is huge. Really big.

Alexia: Is it now? But then I guess it’s my job as the judge to be the judge of that big horse. Now please, everyone make your way to the garden for some key napes. Am I saying that right?

Bowen: Lead the way my dear.

Alexia: No, I think I’ll hang back a moment. I need to adjust my breasts in this big mirror.

[All the guests walk to the garden while Alexia is looking at herself on the mirror.]

There, perfect.

[Sandrine stands behind Alexia]

Sandrine: Hello, Alexia.

Alexia: Well, well, well, Sandrine St. Cassettape. You waited for my mirror shot?

Sandrine: Well with your vanity and wandering breasts, I knew just where to find you.

Alexia: I didn’t realize you had an invite.

Sandrine: Maybe you forgot to send it like you didn’t forget not to felicitate my husband ever did.

Alexia: Well, you said that wrong, but I did do it and I’ll do it again today.

Sandrine: Better you than me darling. My mouth is exit only.

Alexia: What are you doing here in my home?

Sandrine: Oh? Your home? You didn’t hear? I found out about your secret floor culture and I thought I could use some place to go to the bathroom when I have guests over.

Alexia: You bitch.

Sandrine: Takes one to be one.

[Alexia slaps Sandrine]

You’re gonna regret that.

[Alexia and Sandrine starts fighting]

[Suddenly they start fighting like pro athletes. They’re wearing knee pads and safety gears.]

Sandrine: Is that all you got, darling?

Alexia: Let me show you how I really feel. You almost smeared my lipstick.

Sandrine: Yes. What is that shade calls anyway? Desperate hag?

Alexia: When I get over there, I’m gonna…

[They starting fighting like pros again]

[Alexia carries Sandrine on her shoulders]

Sandrine: Let me down.

Alexia: With pleasure. [Throws Sandrine on the table and breaks it] Right over there.

Sandrine: Oh, that almost hurt.

Alexia: How’d you like it when your face hit my table?

Sandrine: It’s my my table now, remember? So I loved it as much as you’re going to love the taste of my fist.

[They starting fighting like pros again]

[Bowen walks in]

Bowen: Alexia, Sandrine, oh my god. I certainly hope this violence that about who’s feliciating me? By the way, tick tock.

Sandrine: No, darling. This is about something much, much bigger.

Bowen: Okay, I feel like that’s a dig at me. You two have been friends for 50 years.

Alexia: No. 15. 15.

Bowen: Yeah, sure.

Sandrine: But he’s right. You know, this is no way for two friends to behave.

Alexia: Friends? We’re not friends.

Sandrine: Business partners then?

Alexia: Business partners?

Sandrine: With my financial acumen and your champagne recipe, we’ll be unstoppable.

Alexia: Well that might be the best idea I’ve heard all day. Shall we talk through the details over lunch?

Sandrine: Yes, lunch.

[they walk to the garden]

Oh, Blaige, Storm, are you coming?

[Blaige and Storm are the two women who are dressed like Alexia and Sandrine and were fighting like professionals]

Female voice: To Forceington Cassettape’s vineyard.

Fox & Friends Cold Open

Steve Doocy… Mikey Day

Brian Kilmeade… Bowen Yang

Ainsley Earhardt… Heidi Gardner

Kari Lake… Cecily Strong

Donald Trump… James Austin Johnson

[Starts with show intro]

Female voice: You’re watching Fox and Friends.

[Cut to the show set]

Steve Doocy: Good morning. Welcome to Fox and Friends. I’m Steve Doocy here with the lovely Brian Kilmeade and Ainsley Earhardt.

Ainsley Earhardt: Hey, everybody, happy early Thanksgiving and Wakanda forever.

Brian Kilmeade: I don’t think we’re allowed to say that.

Ainsley Earhardt: Everybody chill.

Steve Doocy: Well, what a terrible week for the GOP. The Dems are retaining control of the Senate. So what the heck happened to that red wave that people were talking about?

Brian Kilmeade: Yeah, who was promising that because couldn’t have been us every day?

Ainsley Earhardt: Well, thankfully, there’s no way to check, but it definitely didn’t happen. And according to everybody, only one man was to blame. Look at these headlines, Trumpty Dumpty and Trumpster Fire. Ouch.

Steve Doocy: And look at this op ed. Mr. DeSantis. Will you be my new daddy?

Ainsley Earhardt: Now, who wrote that?

Steve Doocy: Eric Trump.

Ainsley Earhardt: Wow, seems like everybody’s turning on Trump.

Brian Kilmeade: Yeah. And per company wide email we’ve got this morning, he’s dead to us.

Steve Doocy: Now, nearly every candidate Trump backed lost this week, except for one who’s still hanging on by a thread. And she’s here with us today. Please welcome Kari Lake.

Kari Lake: Hello there. Hi. And greetings from Arizona where the average age and temperature is 95.

Brian Kilmeade: Hi, Carrie, and thanks for being here during what’s what must be a very stressful time for your campaign.

Kari Lake: Hey, my campaign isn’t dead yet. Even though my camera filter makes it look like I’m in heaven.

Ainsley Earhardt: Now, Kari, it seemed like this was a race you’d easily when you have it’s been a real nail biter. You and your opponent are currently neck and neck.

Kari Lake: That is because the Maricopa county officials are incompetent. And it’s my belief that the election is rigged and the results should be thrown out.

Brian Kilmeade: Oh, it sounds like some new numbers are coming in which has you taking a narrow lead over Katie Hobbs.

Kari Lake: Chich is why I have always said this is a democracy. Trust the system. Trust the voters.

Brian Kilmeade: Sorry, I spoke too soon, another batch of votes just came in and you are now losing again.

Kari Lake: Because our system is broken. And it always has been.

Brian Kilmeade: Well, I’m sorry, I misread that. You’re actually back in the lead.

Kari Lake: But thankfully now it’s fixed. Look, I am 100% confident I’m going to win this election. And I won’t stop fighting until every vote is counted and then some votes are taken away. Because who the Arizonans want leading them? Katie Hobbs who’s hiding in a basement or me, Kari Lake who lives right here in this beautiful pool of Vaseline and who’s out there every single day at CVS asking black customers if they work here.

Steve Doocy: Well, we are rooting for you, Kari. We know the votes will go your way.

Kari Lake: Well, if they don’t, I’ll burn Arizona to the ground.

Steve Doocy: Wow. Well, she was nice.

Ainsley Earhardt: I hope the Trump effect doesn’t mess with her campaign.

Brian Kilmeade: You think he still watches our show?

Steve Doocy: Well, he’s at his daughter’s wedding this weekend. So at least we know he won’t call in.

[phone ringing]

Donald Trump: Hello, it’s your favorite president.

Brian Kilmeade: New phone, who this?

Ainsley Earhardt: He’s just kidding. Hi, Donald. Congratulations on Tiffany’s wedding.

Donald Trump: Who? Oh, oh, yeah. It’s okay. They’re just doing the vows.

Steve Doocy: Great. Well, we were just talking about you. There was that New York Post headline that culture Trumpty Dumpty and said you had a great fall.

Donald Trump: Well, I agree. I had a great fall. I had a great summer as well. And you know, many people are saying I’ll have a great winter. But I’m having a great fall. Okay, the leaves are turning red. It’s a red wave in terms of tree and with regard to leaf.

Ainsley Earhardt: We heard that you’re blaming, that you’re blaming both Sean Hannity and Melania for advising you to endorse Dr. Oz.

Donald Trump: It’s true. It’s true. Let me tell you, it’s very hard being in a fight with your soulmate. And also Melania. Now, all anyone wants to talk about is Ronda sanctimonious. I’m surprised. I know that word too. But Ron out it’s so easy.

Brian Kilmeade: All right, you said DeSantis has the advantage of sunshine.

Donald Trump: That’s right. Everybody goes to Florida for the sunshine. But look, I made Ron DeSantis, okay? He was going to lose until went FBI agents to go and fix his election.

Brian Kilmeade: Wait, you just admitted to what?

Donald Trump: But he’s ungrateful and now he’s trying to steal my sunshine just like Len. And you know, Len, they were a one hit wonder. Okay? Kinda like OMC. And these election results are making us go how bizarre? How bizarre? How bizarre? We’re all hearing that all the time, right? How bizarre?

Ainsley Earhardt: Don’t you need to walk your daughter down the aisle?

Donald Trump: Missed it. Anyway what are you guys talking about? What are you guys talking about? You see Fabelmans?

Ainsley Earhardt: Mr. President, I don’t know how to tell you this but we’ve moved on. We can’t have you on the show anymore.

Donald Trump: What? What did I do? Was it the insurrection?

Brian Kilmeade: No.

Donald Trump: The impeachment.

Brian Kilmeade: No.

Donald Trump: Blackmailing Ukraine?

Brian Kilmeade: No.

Donald Trump: Charlottesville?

Brian Kilmeade: No.

Donald Trump: Didn’t make wall?

Brian Kilmeade: No.

Donald Trump: the murder?

Brian Kilmeade: What?

Donald Trump: Kidding.

Steve Doocy: It’s because you lost. Mr. President, we just don’t see a future with you. But you know what? We can still be friends. Okay? So bye bye now.

Donald Trump: Wait, wait. I have a big announcement, November 15th. Don’t push me off. I have a big announcement and it’s not what you think. I’m running for president again.

Ainsley Earhardt: Oh god.

Steve Doocy: That was awkward. but we’re finally free. Change is on the horizon and I have a pretty good idea we won’t be hearing from him again. [phone vibrating] And he’s calling my phone.

Brian Kilmeade: And mine.

Kari Lake: [sitting between Steve Doocy and Brian Kilmeade in place of Ainsley Earhardt, with a ring light on her face.] Mine too.

Steve Doocy: Whoa! Kari? What are you doing here?

Kari Lake: You think if I lose, I’m just gonna go away? Not on your life. We’ll be back for more Kari and friends. And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Weekend Update- Tammy the Trucker on Gas Prices and Definitely Not Abortion

Colin Jost

Tammy… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: With so many midterm races tightening, it’s hard to predict what will drive people more to the polls – social issues or economic concerns? Here to comment is Tammy the trucker who promises she’s here to talk about gas prices and definitely not abortion. What?

[Tammy slides in holding a big steering wheel]

Tammy: Hey, peep peep. Hey there, Colin, it’s me, Tammy the trucker. Breaker, breaker, Big Mama over.

Colin Jost: Wow, Tammy. So, you are a trucker who is very affected by gas prices. I guess that makes sense to me.

Tammy: Yes, I thought it would Colin Jost. That’s why I’m here. Tammy the trucker.

Colin Jost: And what was that about not talking about abortion?

Tammy: No, no, no. Breaker, breaker, double dipper, I got a big daddy on my tail. And all I’m here to talk about is gas even though the Supreme Court said Roe v. Wade did that big pitstop in the sky. Peep peep. Yeah, 50 years of precedent. Peep peep. Both.

Colin Jost: Cecily, are you okay? It seems like maybe you do want to talk about abortion.

Tammy: Calm your cooter down, Beaver Caniver. I’m Tina the trucker, whatever name I gave you. I gotta be in Rancho Cuca Roomba by nightfall.

Colin Jost: Rancho Cuca Roomba? Cecily. What are you doing?

Tammy: I don’t know, Colin. I am just trying to get through this moment, okay? Gas prices are up and families are really hurting. But that’s not going to magically disappear no matter who you vote for. We’re in a global recession fueled by corporate greed and war. Honk honk, breaker breaker. But what will keep disappearing is safe access to abortion. It’s not really magic because they told us that’s exactly what they’re gonna do. And they’ve been doing it. Breaker breaker. Big Daddy. I got a double nickel on the big slab.

Colin Jost: Did you just Google trucker terms?

Tammy: Oh, like research? Yeah. Here, hold that. [gives Colin Jost her steering wheel] Keep it. Look, I want to talk about abortion on live TV or Peacock, whatever that count says. These are scary times okay? Because they don’t want to just take away access to health care. They want to criminalize it too. I mean, it’s so bad, us truckers are all out here warning each other, delete our period tracking apps from our phones. I just want to know what week I’m wearing my bad underwear. But I can’t, in case some dickhead in Texas thinks my period is evidence of a crime. A Rooba!

Colin Jost: I don’t think it’s a Rooba. I think it’s Ooga.

Tammy: Do you have something against? You are riding my ass. My point is— [pulls back the steering wheel] Give me that. My point is you shouldn’t have to pull the convoy across state lines to find a doctor who can provide health care for your anatomy without having to call their lawyer first. Peep peep. Beep beep beep beep. Colin, check my rear. Am I clear? My rear clear? I’m backing up about 50 years into the past.

Colin Jost: Okay, I got that. I got that.

Tammy: Yeah, I know it’s been fun for you. Okay, let me give you some little trucker toys. Okay? Yeah, here you go. Here’s a nudie mag. And here’s this.

Colin Jost: Oh, is this Gatorade?

Tammy: Well, it was at one point. Look at your naked gals, okay? Truth is I have felt pretty helpless over the past year. And it’s hard to know what to say to make other truckers feel better, even though I have this big giant radio. So here’s the thing I can say. There’s one mothe-trucking thing we can do to fight for mother-trucking freedom to make her own health care decisions. And that’s vote. And I hope to hell everyone votes. Because remember, we all love someone who’s had an abortion. I mean, drives a truck. Beep beep. A Wooba.

Colin Jost: Tammy, everyone. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

WKTVN News

Chance… Michael Longfellow

Vicki… Ego Nwodim

Alicia… Heidi Gardner

Tod… Bowen Yang

Cecily Strong

Amy Schumer

[Starts with Ego and Heidi in their news set]

Ego: Good evening and welcome to WkTVN news.

Heidi: And later tonight, Baklava or Balaclava? A new study shows there’s a big difference between the two delicious treats.

Ego: I love studies like that. But first, we go to Trumbull County where a fire has spread, forcing several families out of their homes. Let’s check in with our brand new reporter, Chance Harmstrong.

[Cut to Chance]

Chance: Thanks. Thanks, Vicki. And Alicia. I’m so thrilled to be joining the team. So right now I’m here with a local resident whose home was damaged in the fire. Ma’am, tell us what happened.

Cecily: Um, sir, I was having my normal cigarette in bed [frame showing an asian guy behind her as well] and I got woke up by a man outside going bang, bang, bang. And I had smelt fire and he said fire. So I put 2 and 10 together and I said fire sir.

Chance: Right. And do you have any idea how this fire could have started and why?

Cecily: I’m not sure exactly how sir. But I know 100% why. And I did not want to say names, but it is my cousin.

Chance: It was your cousin.

Cecily: Yes. And she is looking right at you now sir.

Amy: What? Oh, you taking a picture of me? No, you’re not. Not for free, you’re not. No.

Chance: Okay. Why are you so certain it was your cousin?

Cecily: She is mad because she wants to go with my husband, because look at him. [her husband is the asian guy they showed before]

Tod: This for TV?

Chance: Yes. This is the news, sir.

Tod: Oh, snap.

Chance: Okay, back to the fire.

Cecily: Yes, it’s a long story. But she is mad because she can’t get with him because he chose me and she’s my cousin.

Amy: Hey, keep saying stuff like that. I will set your house upon fire again.

Cecily: Hey, set my house on fire. I ain’t scared.

Amy: Okay.

Chance: Okay, all right. This was not as informative as I’d hoped. Quite a first day. Back to you. Vicki and Alicia.

Tod: Hey, come back to me. Take my picture. Look what I can do. [he climbs on the pole] Look what I can do. One hand, one hand, one hand.

Amy: Go Tod, go Tod. He’s showing up for me. I want to lay with you.

Tod: I said I can’t.

Chance: Well, there you have it. And I think we’re all done here. Vicki and Alicia.

[Molly walks in]

Molly: Sir, if I may, just to clear this up, you see the two them were cousins.

Chance: Yes. I know that. Do you know anything about the fire?

Molly: No, I do not. But sir, if I may, since he got to do the trick, look when I can do. [she leans backwards]

Chance: Okay, I don’t know what that is. And I’m not really here to look at tricks.

Amy: Hey, he ain’t even my cousin. He’s only my cousin because he married my cousin. So hey, I can still get with you because I want to lay with you, Tod.

Tod: Go home. No one wants to lay with you.

Amy: I bet you someone will.

Cecily: No, they won’t, because you ain’t got it like this. [Cecily flashes her breasts]

Amy: Like hell they don’t. [Amy flashes her breasts too]

Chance: Okay, no, this cannot. It’s literally my first day.

[Chance tries to walk away from them, but bumps into James.]

James: Oh sir, if I may. I can clear this up. 100%.

Chance: Just don’t say they’re cousins.

James: Exactly. They are cousins. also, look what I can do. [starts making silly noises]

Chance: Okay. Yeah. Now I’m unfortunately seeing a lot of people lined up and I’m assuming no one wants to talk about the fire.

Marcello: Oh, I don’t know anything about that, sir. But look what I can do. [starts dancing]

Chance: That’s great. You’re very talented.

Amy: Listen, the real reason I am mad at her…. [snatches the mic] The real reason I am mad at you and set fire to upon your house and your trampoline upon fire is because you have not had but one nice thing to me my whole life.

Cecily: What? Are you serious? I like you. I like your smile. Your homemade rice is worth. You make good French bread pizza. And I’m sorry that the years have seen us drift apart in terms of being cousins.

Amy: So now what?

Tod: A kiss makeup?

[They all lean to kiss each other]

Chance: No, no. Do not film these three cousins kissing. Well, it was my first day. And I’m assuming it’s my last. So in that case, what the hell? Look what I can do. [starts dancing]

President Biden Midterms Address Cold Open

Joe Biden… James Austin Johnson

Marrianne Williamson… Chloe Fineman

Guy Fieri… Molly Kearney

Takashi 6ix9ine… Marcello Hernández

Stormy Daniels… Cecily Strong

Azealia Banks… Ego Nwodim

Tracy Morgan… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a message]

Male voice: And now, a message from the President of the United States.

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: My fellow Americans, it’s Tuesday. Our midterm elections will determine the fate of our democracy and let’s just say, big yikes. What’s going on? I guess the Democrats message just ain’t getting through. Plus I’m over here talking to people who don’t exist. I don’t know much. Who’s there? Well, nobody’s there.

Folks, I’m trying like hell, I promise. I’m on the peloton every morning tilting fate. I passed that big ass infrastructure bill, remember that? $65 billion. A lot of your Redstate types finally got broadband internet so you can share your Paul Pelosi gay erotic fiction at lightspeed. Which by the way, your right wingers sure do love thinking up these gay little scenario. Kind of suss. But look, I get it. I’m no spring chicken. But people at rallies are yelling at Obama calling him high. How do you think that makes me feel? Do yourself a favor. Google “young Joe Biden” and start a bubble bath.

You guys think I’m and boring now? Well, I can do crazy stuff too. [screams out] I’m scared myself. But listen, folks, that’s the problem. We don’t have any stars anymore. Too many Raphael Warnock and not enough Herschel Walker’s. Which is why we’re going to make some last minute changes before Tuesday with the Democrats who are exciting. Got that sizzle. For example, “Hey, California sick Adam Schiff.” Or, “Meet your next Congresswoman. She ran for president back in 2020 and loves a good crystal. It’s Marianne Williamson.”

[Marrianne Williamson walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Marrianne Williamson: As a prominent author, her lover for Enchantress, I am ready to fight for the American Dream, which I caught in this Tibetan singing bowl. [hits the singing bowl and walks out]

Joe Biden: Sounds cool. America’s next defense against the dark arts teacher folks. Now unlike Dr. Oz, this next guy’s got political experience. He was a mayor of flavortown for over 20 years, Guy Fieri.

[Guy Fieri walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Guy Fieri: Whoo! Listen, man. America’s hungry for change. But Do y’all want Dr. Oz take a full plate of paid family leave dripping in Donkey sauce? Full throttle. Whoo! [walks out]

Joe Biden: Oh my god. Dream job, dream job. Hey Ohio, meet your next senator, Takashi 6ix9ine.

Takashi 6ix9ine: Hey blood. I want no cap on Social Security. No cap. Democrats baby, Tray Way. Tray Way. [walks out]

Joe Biden: What a terrifying young man. Tired of Gretchen Whitmer? Meet your next Governor of Michigan, adult film star Stormy Daniels.

[Stormy Daniels walks in]

Stormy Daniels: Hi TV. I may be a former adult star, currently on season seven of the Surreal Life, but I’m willing to debase myself and enter US politics. I can work with anyone and I’m willing to reach around the aisle to get things done.

Joe Biden: Yeah. I think it’s reach across the aisle.

Stormy Daniels: Yes sir. You do you. [walks out]

Joe Biden: Talented actress. Now introducing someone who’s gonna beat Marco Rubio because she’s not afraid to fight. She’s the next senator from Florida, Azealia Banks.

[Azealia Banks walks in]

Azealia Banks: I’m a rich bitch. [walks out]

Joe Biden: Okay. And finally, people got mad at me about student loan forgiveness. Well he’s in charge of it now. Tracy Morgan.

[Tracy Morgan walks in]

Tracy Morgan: Okay. Y’all want that money? Why don’t you come on over here and rub my belly?

Joe Biden: Thank you, Tracy. And everybody get up here. Get up everybody. There they are, your new Democratic candidates. Alright team, so what do we want?

[everyone shouting out different answers]

Tracy Morgan: I kind of want some sugar free White Castle.

Joe Biden: Well. And when do we want it?

[everyone shouting out different answers]

Tracy Morgan: I mean, in my mind, it’s like whenever you good, baby girl.

Joe Biden: All right. Let’s go, team. We’re gonna be fine. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

PBS NewsHourRepublican Momentum Cold Open

Judy Woodruff…Heidi Gardner

Herschel Walker… Kenan Thompson

Dr. Oz…Mikey Day

Kari Lake… Cecily Strong

[Starts with show intro]

[Cut to 1 in her set]

Judy Woodruff: Good evening. I’m Judy Woodruff. And this is the PBS News Hour. We’re what’s your grandma’s talking about when she says “I saw this on the news.” With the midterms less than two weeks away, republicans appear to be surging with a strong closing message from candidates who have gone from underdogs to stars of the Republican Party. But how? Tonight we talked to three of them. First Senate candidate from Georgia, Herschel Walker. Herschel Walker: Yeah, hello, Judas. My name is Herschel Walker, Texas Ranger, and I’m running for President of the United Airlines.

Judy Woodruff: Next, here’s Pennsylvania’s Republican Senate candidate, Dr. Oz.

Dr. Oz: Hello, Judy. My Pennsylvania Phillies are in the World Series. And I just had a delicious Philadelphia cheese and steak. Yum.

Judy Woodruff: And also joining us is Arizona’s Republican candidate for governor, Kari Lake.

Kari Lake: Great to be with you, Judy, on your sweet little show full of lies.

Judy Woodruff: Okay, well, all three of you have been gaining in the polls the past few weeks, despite none of you having any political experience.

Herschel Walker: That’s absolutely right.

Dr. Oz: Right.

Kari Lake: Proud of it.

Judy Woodruff: Mr. Walker, you’re now within three points of Senator Raphael Warnock? Why is your support growing?

Herschel Walker: And that’s where I don’t know. See? The whole world is a mystery. Ain’ it? So for example, a thermos, it keeps the hot things hot, but also the cold things cold. But my question is, how do we decide? So we’re gonna be looking into that very much.

Judy Woodruff: Well, you’ve had a tough campaign. A second woman has now claimed you paid for her abortion. And your ex wife has said you once held a gun to her head. Why are millions of Georgia residents still voting for you?

Herschel Walker: Gas.

Judy Woodruff: Okay, gas prices are high. But is there more to it than that?

Herschel Walker: Well, of course there is. I’m fun. Look, if you want to get on the Jumbotron at the Falcons game, you’ll throw on a cardigan and start making sense. You take your shirt off and you shake your belly around. That’s what I’m doing. And people love me no matter what. Like, the great Trump Donald said, I could pay for the bus in the middle of Fifth Avenue and not lose any voters. And that’s a promise for me, Herschel Walker potamus.

Judy Woodruff: Very well. Now Dr. Oz, you’ve caught up to your opponent John Fetterman recently surprising many in the media.

Dr. Oz: I sure have. Let’s remember I was a long shot, Judy. But I was told myself, you can win this election if you’re honest, if you’re fair, and if your opponent has a debilitating medical emergency. So we’re very lucky.

Judy Woodruff: Got it. Miss Lake, you’ve pulled ahead of your Democratic opponent Arizona Secretary of State Katie Hobbs.

Kari Lake: Yes, I have.

Judy Woodruff: Now you were a local news anchor and a Democrat for many years.

Kari Lake: Correct, yeah.

Judy Woodruff: And yet you’re gaining voters. Why?

Kari Lake: Because I’m normal, Judy. I’m just a regular hometown gal constantly and soft focus and lit like a 90’s Cinemax soft core. And frankly, I’ve just clicked with many of the wonderful terrified elderly people here in Arizona, the Florida of the West. Also, I’m a fighter. In my life, I’ve sent back over 2000 salads. And I’m not afraid to do the same thing with democracy.

Judy Woodruff: Very well. Now, one of your main campaign issues is the denial of the 2020 election.

Kari Lake: Can you mediate tags just get over the one thing I’ve made the center of my campaign for months and months? Arizonans want to talk about the issues that affect them, like crime in New York or crime in Detroit. And the most pressing issue, drag queen story time. Men dressing as loud sassy women introducing children to the joys of reading? Not on my watch.

Herschel Walker: Hey, can you pass it to me please? I’m open. Listen, Judas. We got babies in school out here identifying as a Pokemon. Okay. And that’s crazy. My son is a boy, last time I checked by text, you know? He certainly ain’t no Snorlax and that’s your science. Excuse me. I’m getting all worked up right now. My head is getting very, very hot.

Dr. Oz: Judy, we need to take care of ourselves. And I recommend the miraculous Alpha cyclo dextrin to help them lose 30 pounds in just one calendar day.

Judy Woodruff: Great. Now Miss Lake, you have proposed some big changes to local voting laws. If you become governor, do you promise to make sure everyone’s vote counts?

Kari Lake: Judy, I’ll make it easy. If the people of Arizona elect me, I’ll make sure they never have to vote ever again.

Judy Woodruff: Now some people are saying that kind of election denialism contributes to violence.

Kari Lake: Violence? What do you mean? Like crazy eyed men in tactical gear waving assault rifles next to ballot boxes? That’s just Arizona, baby. Look, nothing I say can be incendiary because I say it in TV voice. So jump on into Kari Lake, Arizona, because it’s placid and serene on top, but underneath it’s a whole lot of giardia.

Judy Woodruff: Ms. Lake, thank you for being here. And thank you to Dr. Oz and Herschel Walker.

Herschel Walker: Go Halloween.

Judy Woodruff: When we return, JD Vance asked President Trump for money to go get an ice cream. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Halloween Red Carpet Show

Tina Lefaye… Cecily Strong

Dean Dumont… Mikey  Day

[Starts with video clips of people walking around in Halloween costumes]

Male voice: Live from the sidewalk, it’s the post Halloween red carpet special.

[Cut to Tina]

Tina: Welcome, everyone. I’m Tina Lefaye. It’s 2:53AM on Halloween night and the streets are absolutely packed with adults in costumes, leaving bars and parties and trying to figure out how to get back to where they live. And the stars are out tonight. Aren’t they Dean?

Dean: They sure are, Tina. [there’s a person wearing dinosaur costume walking like he’s drunk behind Dean]In fact, look who’s already here. A drunk guy in an inflatable dinosaur costume. And I think he’s gonna fall and get hurt.

[the guy in dinosaur costume falls down]

There it is. Tina?

Tina: Well, Dean, I’m here with an absolute icon of the post Halloween scene. [Chloe is looking around for her Uber] A wasted white girl who can’t find her Uber.

Chloe: I am here. Where are you?

Tina: Now Miss, I see you’re holding your shoes instead of wearing them. Can I ask why?

Chloe: Blizzards. [on phone] Dude, oh my god, speak Eng-gish.

Tina: Oh-oh, things are getting racist here. So Dean, back to you.

Dean: All right. I’m here with another late night Halloween star. A guy who is upset people didn’t appreciate his costume.

[There’s a guy wearing a suit who has a palm stuck on his cheek]

Devon: Look, man, I’ll a “Slap Chris Rock” It’s funny. This is a genius costume, man. Whatever. People are dumb.

Dean: Okay, amazing. Tina.

Tina: Okay, now I rarely get starstruck. But just beside me is a staple of post Halloween everywhere. It’s a guy who really wants you to ask about his costume. So I see you claim to be the scariest thing in the world. And what is that?

Marcello: The patriarchy. [showing back of his t-shirt]

Tina: And I see patriarchy is spelled wrong. Now, you clearly hope this costume would get you laid. Has it worked?

Marcello: No. But uh, the night is young.

Tina: Hard pass. Dean.

Dean: Tina, we were hoping he’d show up tonight. And he has it’s a frat guy dressed as a giant tampon.

Jack: What up? Sigma.

Dean: Sigma. How are you tonight?

Jack: I’m chillin, bro. Sigma.

Dean: All right, sigma. Now I have to ask, how has the costume gone over?

Jack: I mean, the vibe I’m getting is like people were chill, laughter at us. Like, women who are like smart are disgusted by me.

Dean: Okay. And what’s next for you tonight?

Jack: I’ll probably get in some legal trouble or something. But my dad will handle that for me. So.. You know where I can score some coke?

Dean: I’m sorry. I don’t. Tina.

Tina: Not the last time we’ll be asked if we know where to get coke tonight. Now I’m here with a real highlight of the post Halloween scene. A guy who was in a group costume but lost his friends.

Bowen: My friends and I went as the village peoplem but I can’t find them. And now, everyone thinks I’m a real cop. I’m not. This is a squirt gun. It’s filled with tequila. I need my friends. Where are my friends?

Tina: Yikes. Dean?

Dean: Well, we heard a rumor she’d be making an appearance. It’s an impossibly drunk Dora the Explorer. And this was fun. She so- Whoa! Ha-ha. She’s so faded. She’s only saying one thing and it has absolutely nothing to do with her costume.

Dora: Tom Brady.

Dean: One more time.

Dora: Tom Brady.

Dean: All right. And why are you saying Tom Brady?

Dora: Tom Brady.

Dean: Okay, well, best of luck tonight. And I hope you find your pants. Tina.

Tina: Okay. Well, I don’t think he’s going to stop. But behind me you can see the sober middle aged man who is trying to walk his dog.

Sober man: Excuse me. Excuse me. People live here. Thank you.

Tina: Dean.

Dean: Well, here’s something you don’t normally see at 3AM. It’s a dad who clearly forgot to take his kid trick or treating earlier.

Kenan: Yeah, go and ask him for some candy.

Dean: Oh, I’m sorry. I don’t have any. Can I ask? Why you have a child out at three in the morning?

Kenan: You can ask Sheila. She texted me at 8PM saying I’m dropping them off. And I say not my weekend, Sheila. I’m getting my drink on right now, Sheila. And she says it is your weekend, which turned out it actually was. Anyway, we are here so it’s fine.

Dean: Okay, now what’s your child dressed as?

Kenan: Oh, he had Chipotle bag.

Dean: Wow, look at that. That’s so cool, buddy. Yeah. Oh, wow, Tina.

Tina: Wow, indeed. Well, we have to take a break. But we have so much more ahead, including trying to figure out if the guy behind me is dressed as Dahmer, or is an actual pervert.

Dean: I vote for pervert. Plus more with our bad dad.

Kenan: Hey, man. I’m a good dad. You know where I can get some coke?

Dean: I do not. Keep it right here.

Bartenders

Cecily Strong

Kenan Thompson

Michael Longfellow

Heidi Gardner

Duke… Bowen  Yang

Earl… Jack Harlow

Marcello Hernandez

[starts with two couples sitting in a restaurant]

Cecily: I’m so excited to try this place. It got a great review in San Diego magazine.

Kenan: Well, I am starving.

Heidi: Well, all we need as a waiter, so I’m getting my block on.

Duke: Hello. Hello. Hello. Welcome to Casita. My name is Duke St. Shoots.

Earl: And I am Earl Twirl Jazz.

Kenan: Nice. Wow. Well, we’d love to start with some tableside gua—

Duke: Oh, we’re out of avocado, cilantro and red onion unfortunately.

Earl: However, we are Horne up to prepare your flight of tableside cocktails this evening.

Cecily: My friend told me about this. They make drinks right at your table.

Kenan: Oh well I think we just want food.

Duke: No, solids can wait. Our first cocked, a classic screwdriver with flair. Head it.

[Sam Smith’s Fire on Fire playing]

[Duke and Earl dancing with bottles making drinks]

Cecily: Well, that was fun.

Kenan: Yeah. And you missed the glasses a lot.

Earl: Next we will make you a custom beverage.

Heidi: Oh, I don’t drink.

Earl: Oh, then we can make you a Vagido?

Heidi: What is a Vagido?

Earl: A Virgin Vagido.

Michael: Do they mean Mojito?

Duke: Cocked number two, hit it.

[Sam Smith’s Fire on Fire playing]

[Duke and Earl dancing with bottles making drinks]

Kenan: All right. Really? Really working those napkins.

Michael: Are we supposed to catch those?

Heidi: Yeah, that wasn’t even virgin. I saw you put rum in it.

Cecily: at least we got to hear that song again.

Earl: Shout out to our DJ.

Duke: Yeah, he’s a busboy with the aux cord.

Marcello: Everyone in here is lucky as hell.

Cecily: Okay, fine. You know what I’ll have? Your pay. A Negroni Sbagliato with Prosecco in it.

Earl: We don’t make those.

Duke: Yeah, we don’t bend to lesbian TikTok.

Marcello: Ayo, Duke, Earl, make them a Long Brown.

Kenan: What on earth is a long brown?

Earl: Gin and Nesquick.

Duke: Cocked number three. Hit it.

[Sam Smith’s Fire on Fire playing]

[Duke and Earl dancing with bottles making drinks]

[they break all the glasses]

Doesn’t matter. Doesn’t matter at all. Doesn’t matter. You guys okay?

Kenan: It actually does matter. There’s glass everywhere.

Earl: Okay, wow. Y’all haven’t changed a bit.

Heidi: Excuse me.

Duke: Maybe you’ll remember us now.

[acts like they’re pulling off moustache]

Cecily: You weren’t wearing moustache.

Duke: Oh, we forgot to bring them. We forgot to put them on. But we served you and 2017. we made you all delicious margaritas and you said “This isn’t a margarita. It’s a Mountain Dew.”

Michael: Oh right. You guys immediately started crying.

Earl: The point is you lit a fire under us.

Duke: And we trained for five years to come back here and prove to you that we are the best bartenders in the world. For cocked number four, mashed avocado with cilantro and red onion.

Earl: Bur first—

Kenan: So you do have guac?

Earl: Mouth Vagidos.

Duke: Hey!

[Sam Smith’s Fire on Fire playing]

[Duke and Earl dancing with bottles making drinks]

Summer Gig

Treece… Kenan Thompson

Cassie… Natasha Lyonne

Brad…  Kyle Mooney

Helen… Cecily Strong

[Starts with a band playing on a stage]

Treece: [singing] And so I pulled up my pants,
and I said, I see you at work.

Thank you very much. Thank you, Kingston residents inn. Once again, we are the Treece Henderson Trio. So glad that you joined our big kickoff to Summer Celebration. We got a hot show to get back to but before we do, my allergies are exploding. Can I ask if anyone has a little bit of Nasonex in their purse? Just a little squirt of Nasonex. Maybe the tiniest pump of Nasonex. It would really get me through this experience. I’ll put a condom on the nasal insert, so can it doesn’t get infected. Can I get that squirt? Am I speaking clearly? I have asked for Nasonex at least TreeceTreece times. Nasonex. Now,

Cassie: Nobody has it Treece.

Treece: Okay, fine.

[music playing]

[singing]Tweedledee rolled
Tweedledee bun,
soon we’ll eat hamburgers
in the summer sun

[Cassie playing harmonica really good]

Alright. Let’s meet the band. On keyboards it’s Brad Dates. And his last name is Dates, but he hasn’t had one in six years.

Brad: I’ve been married for 10, Treece. [playing keyboard]

Treece: Hey, this is just show pattern. I don’t know. Also here tonight. It’s Helen.

Helen: I’m Helen. I don’t play an instrument. I’m just here to dance.

Treece: Well, we love how it helps out the band. And finally on harmonica is my roommate and landlord, Cassie Marie.

Cassie: Watch me blow this [playing harmonica]

Brad: Yes. Cassie, yes.

Treece: Yes, that was fire, Cassie Marie. I thought you’d be phoning it in tonight considering the state I found you in this morning.

Cassie: Oh no. That’s between us, Treece. I told you everything’s fine.

Treece: Well, you were crying pretty hard in the car.

Cassie: Okay, Treece, I don’t want to talk about that here. My tears are my business.

Brad: Yeah, boundaries Treece.

Treece: But I care about her emotional state.

Cassie: Treece, zip it.

Treece: Okay fine!

[singing] summer tea this
vacation yes
put on a thong
and spread all of your summer sex

Cassie: Nice! [playing harmonica]

Treece: Alright, how is everybody doing tonight? How about you lovely couple?

Bowen: Oh, we’re not a couple. I’m gay and she’s my psychic.

Helen: Whoa.

Chloe: Yes. And the spirit world is telling me that your harmonica player is hiding something from you.

Treece: I knew it. Spill the beans Cassie Marie.

Cassie: Oh, there’s nothing to spill. And there’s no such thing as psychics.

Chloe: It’s someone with an R name.

Cassie: What?

Treece: What? So there is an R in your life. Is it R. Kelly? Steer clear.

Cassie: It is not R. Kelly?

Treece: Well, that’s good news.

[singing] Tweedledee hot
no days in school
I want to make friends
with somebody who has a pool

Chloe: Treece, I’m so sorry to interrupt, but Cassie is about to receive a Nest Cam alert.

Treece: Oh my goodness. Pull out your phone.

Cassie: Treece, you’re killing the vibe.

Treece: Just do it. [notification] It’s your Nest Cam. There’s someone in your front yard. She was right again.

Cassie: You twp, get out of here with your dental business.

Bowen: Oh no. I paid $4 for both of these seats. We’re not going anywhere honey.

Treece: Who is that in your yard? He’s wearing a t-shirt that says Ronald.

Brad: That’s an R name.

Cassie: Yes. It’s my ex, Ronald.

Treece: Well, that explains the T. Wait, what’s he doing now?

Cassie: He’s in a closet bedroom. Yes.

Treece: What? But that’s my closet bedroom. That’s where I put my fashion wear.

Cassie: He must think they’re mine. He’s going to burn them to get me back for dumping him.

Treece: Oh no, he has my Bottega Veneta fanny pack. You can’t burn that. That’s my Bottega Veneta.

Helen: But it’s a knock off, jeez.

Treece: Oh, you shut up.

Cassie: Treece, it’s just clothes.

Treece: You’re just clothes. and your ex boyfriend is about to Angela Bassett my Bottega Veneta and set it on fire and then just walk away and snap. Now you call them and tell them to stop.

Cassie: Okay, just for you Treece. [calling] Hello Ronald. What did you say to me? No, you’re garbage. I don’t care, burn every piece of clothing in that room if you want.

Treece: No! That was not the plan.

Cassie: I’m sorry Treece, I’ll buy you all new stuff tomorrow.

Treece: You can’t. You’re poorer than me. My Bottega Veneta!

[singing] Tweedledee hot
y’all full of bugs
I’m cutting you off from
all of my summer hugs

Cassie: No!

Treece: Yes!