Graphics Department | Season 44 Episode 17

Kyle Mooney

Dani… Beck Bennett

Ryan… Kit Harrington

Gina… Cecily Strong

Lance… Mikey Day

[Starts with three video game geeks in the office]

Kyle: Ah, my comrades, good-morrow. I’ve returned from my journey. [Passing coffee] Your goblets await.

Dani: Oh, I pray your journey to the kingdom of Duncan was a safe one.

Ryan: Indeed, my lord. And one of the munchkins.

Kyle: I triumphed. Let us feast on their balls.

[Gina walks pass them]

Ryan: Good morning, M’lady. Your smile is—

Gina: No, you don’t talk to me.

Geeks: Apologies, m’lady, apologies, m’lady.

[Lance walks in]

Lance: Hey, folks, if I could have your attention real quick.

[Cut to the geeks]

Kyle: Our lord approaches.

Dani: Let us listen with a quizzical ear and a heart of bravery.

[Cut to Lance]

Lance: Right. So I just wanted to announce that our new employee of the month is Ryan from graphics for his great work [Cut to the geeks] on the new Walmart website. [Ryan walks to Lance to receive the coupon] Nice. Your prize is a free cone from Baskin-Robbins.

[Ryan receives the coupon, then kneels to Lance]

Ryan: Thank you, sire.

Lance: Okay. Don’t do this right now.

Ryan: It’s mine honor to serve the court’s design firm and I will—

Lance: All right. Just get up and get back to work, please. Thank you.

[Ryan walks back to his friends]

Ryan: My fellow comrades, did you hear of my most high honor?

[Kyle and Dani stand up]

Kyle: Do not call me your comrade. For thou is a traitor. ‘Twas I who has developed the color scheme for  thine Walmart home page.

Dani: Ah! You are mistaken here, sir. Does thou for get who suggested that ought to be bubbly letters.

Kyle:  ‘Twas corny, Dani.

Dani: ‘Twas not. ‘Twas awesome.

Ryan: My lords, shall we allow such petty squabbles to fracture our brotherhood of friendship?

Kyle: Aye, we shall. Let us battle, you swine.

Dani: So be it.

[The geeks get ready to battle, like in the video games]

I cast a fireball at you.

Ryan: I dodge it. And remind you of our latest—at Ye- old hard rock café. I Trade blows with a cannonball.

Dani: I deflect your attack with my oaken shield. And notice, thou seems to forget that I venomed my side of the bill already. Throw a fireball at J.B.

Kyle: Ah, Dani, you snake. I call upon mother nature and strike you both down with blue rain.

Ryan: Forcefield.

Dani: Ah! I am hurt. But I eat a berry to replenish my health. And I strike you both with a giant’s J.

Ryan: I fire an arrow.

Dani: I block it.

Ryan: I fire again.

Dani: I block again.

Kyle: I play my flute. It’s siren’s song, lulls you to sleep.

Ryan: I strike.

Dani: I block.

Kyle: I strike.

Ryan: I block.

[Lance walks into their game]

Lance: Guys! What the hell is going on? Stop fooling around and get back to work, please.

[Cut to the geeks]

Kyle: Nay, we are honor-bound to fight for the treasure of employee of the month.

Ryan: If you oppose this, we shall destroy you.

[Cut to Lance]

Lance: Okay, well, clearly giving Ryan the award was a problem so I’m just going to give it to Gina instead.

[Cut to everyone]

Dani: No, I summon and earth wall to block you.

Lance: Oh, my god!

Dani: And cast a clarity spell over the office revealing that you masturbate under the stairwell.

[Cut to Gina]

Gina: Lance, is that true?

Lance: What? No! Of course, not. It’s just their stupid game.

[Cut to the geeks]

Kyle: I use my Jacob’s cloak which renders me invisible but then I reappear and summon a picture of Ye Olde masturbation. [Showing a picture of Mikey masturbating in office] [Cut toe verybody]

Lance: What? No. No, you give me that. [Mikey seizes the picture]

Dani: Duplication spell. [Dani Takes the same picture out]

Lance: Stop it, okay? You can all be employee of the month.

[Cut to the geeks]

Dani: Victory! Lance the super visor has honored us all. I crown thee.

Ryan: I crown thee.

Kyle: I crown thee, as well. Come, let us celebrate upon yonder Hard Rock face.

[Cut to everybody. The geeks leave the office.]

Dani: Huzzah!

Ryan: Huzzah!

Ryan: So, they just get to leave in the middle of the day?

Lance: Yeah, remember, they have all these pictures of me masturbating at work.

Gina: Oh, right. Yeah.

Exam | Season 44 Episode 17

Christine… Cecily Strong

Mr. Willis… Kit Harrington

Dr. Yvonne De Marsha… Leslie Jones

Marcus… Pete Davidson

[Starts with Christine and Mr. Willis in Operation room of clinic]

Christine: So, you must be Mr. Willis. Are you here for your examination?

Mr. Willis: Yeah. Honestly I’m a little nervous. It’s not my favorite thing to do.

Christine: I don’t blame you. But as we say around the office, you can’t put a price tag on colorectal health.

Mr. Willis: Oh, that’s true. Where would you hang it?

Christine: Oh, that’s really true. And you’re comfortable with a female doctor, right?

Mr. Willis: Yea, I’ll be facing the other way so I guess it doesn’t matter.

Christine: You’re funny. That’s refreshing.

Mr. Willis: Yeah! Well, thanks for making me feel more comfortable. Hey, would you want to go out sometime?

[Cut to Christine]

Christine: You mean after your anal exam? Sure. I mean, if we don’t find anything serious.

[Cut to Christine and Mr. Willis]

Mr. Willis: Wow, I guess knock on wood, right? So how do you need me?

Christine: Oh, no, I’m not the doctor.

Mr. Willis: What? You’re not?

[Dr. Yvonne De Marsha walks in]

Dr. Yvonne De Marsha: Hello. I’m Dr. Yvonne De Marsha.

Mr. Willis: Oh! Dr. De Marsha?

Christine: Yes, Dr. De Marsha is one of the leading colorectal surgeons in all of Arizona, excluding Phoenix.

Dr. Yvonne De Marsha: Uh-huh. There’s a few in Phoenix that blow me out of the water.

Mr. Willis: So, do you need me to bend over?

Dr. Yvonne De Marsha: Baby, I just need a clear view of the sugar bowl.

[Cut to Yvonne De Marsha an Mr. Willis]

Mr. Willis: I couldn’t help but notice your nails. [Her nails are very long and have shiny stones attached to them]

Dr. Yvonne De Marsha: Oh, you like these?

Mr. Willis: Yes, but how does that work? You just pop them off before the exam?

Dr. Yvonne De Marsha: Excuse me, do these look like press-on nails? I grew these, you looking at six years of my life.

Mr. Willis: I’m not questioning you, I’m just not picturing how this is going to work.

[Cut to Christine]

Christine: Look, outside of Phoenix, Dr. De Marsha is the best.

[Cut to Christine and Dr. Yvonne De Marsha. Dr. Yvonne De Marsha dropped a tool because she can’t grab it because of her nails.]

Dr. Yvonne De Marsha: You’re going to have to sterilize that, Christine.

[Cut to Christine]

Christine: It’s like we always say around the office, a great driver can drive a bus through Shanghai without knocking over a single Chinese lantern. [Cut to Christine and Dr. Yvonne De Marsha. Dr. Yvonne De Marsha is trying to open a can of Fanta.] Do you need help opening that pineapple Fanta, Dr. De Marsha?

Dr. Yvonne De Marsha: No, I got it, girl. [Dr. Yvonne De Marsha hits the can with her nail and opens it] [Dr. Yvonne De Marsha takes a sip of Fanta and starts dancing] [Singing] Fanta, Fanta. All right. [Cut to Dr. Yvonne De Marsha and Mr. Willis] Okay, let’s get down to the gritty and your nitty.

Mr. Willis: Whoa, whoa. I’m just worried you’re going to lose one of those crystals.

Dr. Yvonne De Marsha: Crystals? Are you insane? [Cut to Dr. Yvonne De Marsha] These are diamonds. Mama don’t do crystals. Almost got 20 carats on all my hands. What you think, I’m a foot doctor? Can you believe that, Christine? He said crystals.

[Cut to everybody]

Christine: I guess he’s trippin’. You need your gloves?

[Cut to Dr. Yvonne De Marsha and Christine]

Dr. Yvonne De Marsha: And ruin my nails? Oh, no thank you.

Mr. Willis: Yeah, I should go. [Mr. Willis tries to leave]

Dr. Yvonne De Marsha: Look, look, you need this. Let me get your legs.

[Dr. Yvonne De Marsha and Christine are trying to make Mr. Willis stay forcefully]

Mr. Willis: No, no!

Dr. Yvonne De Marsha: No, this will be over in a minute.

Christine: I’m going to hold your hand.

Dr. Yvonne De Marsha: Relax! Marcus get here!

[Marcus comes in and tries to hold Mr. Willis]

Marcus: Dude, give up!

Mr. Willis: I have to tell you something!

[Everybody leaves Mr. Willis]

Marcus: You’re strong.

Dr. Yvonne De Marsha: You are so strong.

Mr. Willis: I am your boss.

Dr. Yvonne De Marsha: What?

Marcus: Who?

Christine: What did you say?

Mr. Willis: I am the Chief Executive Officer of this clinic’s chain.

Christine: Eric Fordman?

Marcus: Who?

Mr. Willis: You’re on Undercover Boss. [The camera comes to confront]

Dr. Yvonne De Marsha: Oh, my god!

Mr. Willis: I just wanted to commend you on all your exemplary work. Dr. De Marsha, you weren’t going to let me leave the office because you knew how vital colorectal health is.

Dr. Yvonne De Marsha: Yes, I did.

Mr. Willis: Christine, you flirted with me just enough to make me want to stay. You’re a good nurse. And Marcus, and you twisted my body into the entry position, good job.

Dr. Yvonne De Marsha: Good job!

Mr. Willis: My only note is for this kind of exam, you don’t need to push the patient’s legs over their head.

Dr. Yvonne De Marsha: That is a good note. That is a good note.

Mr. Willis: Now, how about we do that exam?

[Mr. Willis gets ready for the exam himself]

Dr. Yvonne De Marsha: Woo!