Tag: Aidy Bryant

Hotel Ad

Doreen… Aidy Bryant

Kathlyn… Billie Eilish

Kathreen… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with pictures of people in Hotel service]

Kathreen: Services. Amenity. Elevator. Curtains with sticks. You’ll find all this and more at..

Kathreen and Kathlyn: Business Garden Inn & Suites and Hotel Room Inn.

[Cut to Kathreen and Kathlyn in the hotel]

Kathlyn: Hello, I’m Kathlyn, the front desk girl.

Kathreen: And I’m Kathreen, the same person as her. Other hotels provide relaxation, luxury and romance.

Kathlyn: Our rooms provide every comfort required by law.

Kathreen: Tiny soap in plastic.

Kathlyn: Phone that blinks.

Kathreen: Band Aid colored blanket.

Kathlyn: Chair for suitcase.

Kathreen: Black and white photo of First Wheel.

Kathlyn: Blow dryer that goes ooooooh.

Kathreen: Short glass wearing little hat.

Kathlyn: And small stain in place you have to touch.

Kathreen: And be sure to enjoy your hot tub.

Kathlyn: It’s always occupied by an eight year old boy in goggles staring at your breasts. He’s been in there for hours and he’s not getting out until you do.

Kathreen: Want to see the local sites? ask her conceirge, Doreen.

Kathlyn: But be warned she’s having a hard month every month.

Doreen: Looking for adventure? See the cave. Every town has a cave. I’d love to go but I can’t afford to and I apologize for crying when you stopped by earlier. I didn’t sleep well last night. My dogs have taken over the bed. And the feral cat I rescued, it bit me pretty hard. So please, for me, see the cave.

Kathlyn: Wisit us and see why TripAdvisor called us “A stock photo you can sleep in”.

Kathreen: And why the news called us the place that man did those things.

Kathlyn: We put the hospital in hospitality.

Kathreen: Situated between the DMV and a darkened Sonic, it’s the location that will make your Uber driver say, “You’re sure?”

Kathlyn: And breakfast means morning here at Business Garden Inn & Suites and Hotel Room Inn.

Kathreen: Fill up on all your continental breakfast favorites like…

Kathlyn: Wet egg.

Kathreen: Cereal in gumball machine.

Kathlyn: DIY waffle.

Kathreen: Sausage that squirts.

Kathlyn: And yogurt in a fridge that gets padlocked at 8:59AM.

Kathreen: No mercy. You can look but yeah can’t touch.

Kathlyn: You wanted yogurt? Wake up at four, bitch.

Kathreen: And whatever you need, day or night, just guess Trevor, our bellhop.valet/Night Manager/in house doctor.
Trevor:  will drop your bags. I will scratch your car. I will watch Joe Rogan videos on my phone, no headphones. If you’re a man, I will tell you where the strip clubs are. I will offer to get you cocaine and then I will flake. I am chaos.

Kathlyn: So, next time you travel please stay with us.

Kathreen: Our guests join us for all of life’s less sparkly moments.

Kathlyn: Business Conference.

Kathreen: Intervention.

Kathlyn: MagicL The Gathering Tournament.

Kathreen: Affair with old man.

Kathlyn: Meeting stranger who claims to have information.

Kathreen: Funeral for aunt who died driving the wrong way on the Taconic State Parkway.

Kathlyn: Cult deprogramming.

Kathreen: After prom hand stuff.

Kathreen and Kathlyn: And hiding from the police.

Kathreen: So join us at Business Garden Inn & Suites and Hotel Room Inn.

Kathlyn: It’s like we always say.

Kathreen and Kathlyn: We may not be the Ritz Carlton.

Male voice: Business Garden Inn & Suites and Hotel Room Inn. See the cave.

Fauci Holiday Message Cold Open

Anthony Fauci… Kate McKinnon

Ted Cruz… Aidy Bryant

Mikey Day

Heidi Gardner

Bowen Yang

Ego Nwodim

Santa… Kyle Mooney

Melissa Villaseñor

Andrew Cuomo… Pete Davidson

Chris Cuomo… Andrew Dismukes

Lauren Boebert… Chloe Fineman

Marjorie Taylor Greene… Cecily Strong

[Starts with intro]

Male voice: And now a holiday message from Dr. Anthony Fauci.

[Cut to Anthony Fauci]

[cheers and applause]

Anthony Fauci: I’m back. Hello. Hi. Hi, everyone, it’s me Dr. Fauci. Do people still think I’m sexy? Or are we done with that? When people see me on TV, they think, “Oh, this can’t be good.” And the children think, “Wow, that Elf on the Shelf got old.”

Anyway, anyway. As you probably heard there is an Omicron wave sweeping the globe. Some experts feared the Omicron variant would be vaccine resistance, kind of like, I don’t know, 40% of Americans. More recent data suggests that if you had a vaccine and a booster, you should be pretty well protected. So if that’s you, I’d like to officially say unclench. With COVID cases on the rise, people still have a lot of questions. Is it safe to travel? Can I still use this as an excuse to get out of stuff? I would like to never work again. So, to help answer these queries, I once again invited members of the CDC to act out various holiday scenelets. So, please keep in mind, they’re not professional actors. They’re simply nerds who are trying their best. And then now the CDC players present going to a restaurant.

Mikey: Hi, I’d like to eat Christmas dinner at your restaurant, please.

Heidi: Sir, I just need to see your vaccination card.

Mikey: I actually can’t find it.

Heidi: You mean you lost the little one inch piece of cardboard they gave you?

Mikey: I’m afraid so.

Heidi: Then you are banished from society. Have fun living in the woods.

Mikey: Okay! And scene.

Anthony Fauci: No, no, no. That’s not right. You can get a replacement card… I think. The important thing is to get vaccinated. And if you’re vaccinated get boosted. And if you’re boosted, maybe want a little top off, a little splash. Anyway, let’s hope this next scene goes better. It’s called Mile High Christmas.

Bowen: Stewardess, I’m traveling home for the holidays, and I’m scared that I’ll get COVID on the airplane.

Ego: Don’t be. Air travel is fairly low risk.

Bowen: Great. I also heard girls can’t get pregnant in the sky. Is that true?

Ego: I don’t know, king. Let’s find out.

Anthony Fauci: No, no, no. That’s not true. That’s not even how sex works. Unless something’s changed. I guess people got pretty lonely during COVID, huh? Yeah, yeah. Now, let’s take a look at how Christmas traditions might look a little different this year in visiting center at the mall.

Santa: Ho, ho, ho. What would you like for Christmas, little girl?

Melissa: Well, Santa… [trying to sit on Santa’s lap]

Santa: Sorry, you can’t sit on my lap anymore. Thanks to the vaccine. My testicles have ballooned in size.

Melissa: Really?

Santa: Yes. They’re as big as grapes now.

Anthony Fauci: Stop! No, no, no, no. That’s just a conspiracy theory. And I am concerned about that particular man. Now, of course, the pandemic has also affected people economically. Keep that in mind as you watch this next scene, two unemployed brothers on Christmas Day.

Andrew Cuomo: Hello, I am disgraced former New York Governor, Andrew Cuomo.

Chris Cuomo: And I’m disgraced former CNN host Chris Cuomo.
Andrew Cuomo: And we both lost our jobs because of COVID.

Anthony Fauci: That’s not why. That’s not why you lost your jobs. Unfortunate, those were not the last public figures you’ll see tonight because when it comes to acting deeply offended about something minor, some of our most gifted performance these days come not from Hollywood but from congress, including the ladies in this next scene Christmas truths.

Lauren Boebert: Hi, I’m Lauren Boebert. And she’s Marjorie Taylor Greene.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: It’s pronounced Gan. The government has been using this fake disease to strip us of our freedom. Do they think we’re dumb?

Lauren Boebert: Please! Would they give a dumb person a gun? Yes.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: First, they said the shutdowns were until they found a vaccine. Then they found a vaccine and said it worked. Then they said everyone should get it. Then people got it and it saved their lives. If that’s not communism, then honey, I might not know what communism is.

Lauren Boebert: So, Merry Christmas. And remember, guns don’t kill people. People, people, people.

Anthony Fauci: Not helpful. No, no. Alright, here’s the truth guys. We are still in the midst of a pandemic. And that’s not going to change just because we all wished it would go away.

[Ted Cruz walks in]

Ted Cruz: Did somebody say wish it would go away?

Anthony Fauci: Not you. Not you.

Ted Cruz: That’s right. It’s me. The weirdo with the beardo, Ted Cruz.

Anthony Fauci: Ted, what are you doing here?

Ted Cruz: Hey, if you’re sick of seeing me, imagine how sick I am of being me.

Anthony Fauci: So Cruz, how are you handling the pandemic?

Ted Cruz: Oh, textbook bad. This week, I was the one not wearing a mask at Bob Dole’s funeral. Now, you may remember when I ran for President in 2016, Bob Dole said that nobody likes me. And this week, I got him back by not being infectious. But just imagine him looking down at your own funeral and the only face you can see is mine!

Anthony Fauci: That’s disturbing. Well, I think we all learned a lot today. Clearly, this country is divided but I think we can all agree on at least a few things. We all want to spend time together with our families.

Ted Cruz: Or run it back solo to Cancún.

Anthony Fauci: We all want our loved ones to be safe and happy and healthy.

Andrew Cuomo: Family is all we have.

Chris Cuomo: Yeah, as of two weeks ago.

Anthony Fauci: Now, that’s the Christmas spirit. See? We already found some common ground.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: And we can all agree that the Fox News Christmas tree arsonists must be executed.

Anthony Fauci: Maybe not.

All: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Thanksgiving Baking Championship

Host… Alex Moffat

Stacy… Sarah Sherman

Mike… Simu Liu

Sandy… Heidi Gardner

Judges… Ego Nwodim, Pete Davidson, Aidy Bryant

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: We now return to the Thanksgiving Baking Championship.

[Cut to bakes and the host]

Host: Okay, Baker’s. Time is up. Today’s theme was giving thanks and you had two hours to create cakes based on what you’re most thankful for. First up is home Baker, Stacy.

Stacy: Hi, judges. I can’t believe I’m here.

Ego: We’re glad you are. Now tell us what you made today.

Stacy: Well, I always worried I would never have children. So, this year I’m thankful for my beautiful baby girl who turns three this Thanksgiving. So, my cake is bubblegum sponge covered in sweet vanilla fondant. And my little girl just had her first dance recital so she’s wearing a pink tutu made of Spun Sugar.

Pete: That is adorable. I’m dying.

Stacy: Thank you. I’m almost as proud of her as I am with the cake.

Ego: Oh, well. Let’s see it.

[Stacy shows the judges her cake. It’s bad.]

Stacy: Yeah, I messed up.

Pete: Whoa, Stacy. It looks like you had a little trouble there.

Stacy: Yeah, I messed up. I thought if I pretended to cry, you wouldn’t noticed that my cake was bad.

Aidy: Okay, so where did you go wrong?

Stacy: Yeah. I had trouble was her head. So, I turned into a diaper. And then I put a yellow legs on her. I don’t I don’t know.

Ego: Well let’s sample the cake.

[The judges taste the cake]

Pete: Okay, I’m getting a lot of mustard.

Stacy: Yeah, I do not know how to bake. I also do not have a daughter. I made that all up.

Host: Wow, you are a mess. Next up is home Baker and amateur rapper, Mike.

Mike: Hi, judges. Happy bakesgiving.

Pete: [eating the cake] Ay, cute pun. And Mike, I have to ask. You rap?

Mike: Oh, I really do. And if I may.

[rapping] My name is Mike and I’m here to bake
the make the cake, the–

Aidy: Wow! Got a little tongue tied there. But let’s hear what you’re thankful for.

Mike: Well, this year I’m most thankful for time with friends and family. So, in the spirit of abundance, I made two cakes. So, first is a pilgrim made from butterscotch pound cake and European buttercream. The second cake is a faux Turkey made with Angel Food and caramel icing. Save me a drumstick. Save me a drumstick.

Ego: Wow, two cakes. That’s a fast. Let’s see them.

[Mike shows the judges his cakes. They’re really bad.]

Mike: Yeah, I did it wrong.

Pete: Oh! Mike! What happened?

Mike: I think just total lack of imagination and ability.

Ego: Why did you give the pilgrim red lips?

Mike: I don’t know. I don’t remember doing any of this.

Host: Oh, that’s too bad. Next up is returning contestant, Sandy.

Sandy: Hi, judges. I pulled out all the stops today with my three layer fall Fantasia maple bourbon wedding cake.

[Sandy shows the judges her cake. It looks fantastic.]

[the judges are whispering]

Aidy: Okay.

Host: Next up is Ralph.

Sandy: What? No! This is good.

Pete: Well, you said it’s three layers and this is only two.

Sandy: His cake is horrible and you didn’t even taste it.

Ego: Alright, Mike, can we taste you cake?

Mike: Really? Uh, yeah, sure. I guess.

[While Mike tries to cut the cake, the cake opens its eyes and screams]

Ego: Mike did your cake just open its eyes and scream. How’s it doing that?

Mike: I don’t know. I think my cake is so bad, I opened a portal to hell.

Pete: Well, we still need to taste it.

Mike: Of course, of course.

[Mike tries to cut another cake. The cake starts puking.]

Aidy: Mike., did the pilgrim just barf on the turkey?

Mike: I believe it did, ma’am. It’s squeamish, I guess.

Sandy: That’s so disgusting. That is not up to baking challenge standards.

[Mike’s cake turns towards Sandy and starts puking on her]

Oh my god! Ew!

Ego: Well, Sandy, you asked for that.

Mike: Argh! Should I go? I feel like I should go.

Pete: No, Mike, it’s anyone’s game. Ralph?

5: Well, it’s easy to look back at Thanksgivings of old. But what will Thanksgivings be in the future? Thanks to a new era of space travel, we may know sooner than we think. My cake is a tribute to that.

[5 shows the judges his cake. It looks like a penis ejaculating.]

Aidy: Okay. And the white stuff is like the re-entering the atmosphere?

5: Yes, ma’am. And the spunk is icing.

Ego: Looks like we have a tough decision to make.

Sandy: No, you don’t.

911 Call

Ego Nwodim

Mikey Day

Cecily Strong

Alan… Simu Liu

Helen… Aidy Bryant

Kenan Thompson

[phone ringing]

Ego: 911. What’s your emergency?

Mikey: Oh, yes. Hi. I think I might be dead.

Ego: You think you’re dead? Sir?

Mikey: Yes. I’m at a Friendsgiving party and I smoked some marijuana. And I ODed. And now I’m dying or I believe myself to be dead. So, can you send the hospital to here please?

Ego: Okay, sir. You cannot OD on marijuana.

Mikey: No, but I did because when I breathe, the air goes down into my stomach like food, not like breathing air. So, I believe I’m dying. Will I be like this forever, ma’am.

Cecily: Jesus Christ, Arthur. Who did you call? Hello.

Ego: Hello ma’am. This is 911 Emergency Services.

Cecily: Oh! I am so sorry, miss. Myself and some other professors from Crembly college are having a little get together. And we smoked a joint one of my grad students gave me.

Mikey: You tell her I’m dead?

Cecily: We’re fine. Just some nerdy lit professors who can’t handle their weed. Okay, goodnight huh.

Ego: Good night, ma’am. [phone ringing] 911, What’s your emergency?

Alan: Hello. My name is Alan and I am dead.

Ego: Now, sir, are you at the same Friendsgiving get together with the gentlemen who just called?

Alan: Oh, yes, yes. You must come here, but I’m not where time is. Will, you still be able to come here even though I’m not where time is.

Ego: Well, sir, I promise you you’re fine and you are where time is. Have you ever smoked marijuana before?

Alan: Yes. Once at Counting Crows concert in 1992.

Ego: Okay. So, the weed of today is much stronger. And that’s why you’re having this reaction.

Alan: Oh, are you mad at me?

Ego: No, sir. Is there someone who’s more mellow that I can speak to?

Alan: Oh, yes. Yes. My wife Helen’s right here.

Helen: Yes.

Ego: Is this Alan’s wife?

Helen: Well, I was but I’m dead now.

Ego: Great. Okay, you too.

Helen: Does everyone know we’re high? Do people know?

Ego: I do.

Helen: Oh my god. You guys. Everyone knows. [hangs up the phone]

Ego: Old people gotta stop smoking weed. [phone ringing] Hello, 911. What’s your emergency?

Alan: Yes. Are you still mad at me?

Ego: I never was sir.

Alan: Okay, well, could you please send the hospital to here please?

Ego: Sir, I’ve never done this in my 10 years as a 911 operator, but I’m hanging up on you. Goodnight. [phone ringing] Yes.

[Kenan is speaking from under the table]

Kenan: Yes. Hello, is this 911?

Ego: Yes, sir.

Kenan: Wonderful. Send every ambulance in the world to me, please.

Ego: Did you smoke marijuana at this friendsgiving too?

Kenan: Yes. And my head feels tight on my head. But if I remove it, my ideas and memories will escape. I need help with this. Come now. Thank you. Goodbye.

Ego: Grown adults taking up my damn time. [phone ringing] 911. What’s your emergency?

Cecily: Hi, sweetie.

Ego: Let me guess. You’re dead. I can’t keep taking these calls from you all. There are real emergency we need to deal with.

Cecily: Well, I got one for you. I put a book in the oven instead of a turkey. And now my kitchens on fire. Classic stoner move.

Ted Cruz Sesame Street Cold Open

Ted Cruz… Aidy Bryant

Marjorie Taylor Greene… Cecily Strong

Big Bird… Kyle Mooney

Joe Rogan… Pete Davidson

Ernie… Mikey Day

Bert… Alex Moffat

Oscar…Chris Redd

Dracula… Aristotle Athari

Britney Spears… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with channel intro]

Male voice: You’re watching Newsmax kids. At one it’s White Power Ranger. But first, it’s Ted Cruz Street.

[Cut to Ted Cruz standing in front of a door.]

Ted Cruz: Hello. Hello, I’m Texas senator and the last one invited to Thanksgiving, Ted Cruz. You know, for Ernie0 years I stood by Sesame Street, taught our children dangerous ideas like numbers and kindness. But when Big Bird told children to get vaccinated against deadly disease, I said, “Enough!”. And I created my own Sesame Street called Cruz Street. It’s a gated community where kids are safe from the World Government. Tell them kids.

[There are three kids who are singing]

Kids: Cruzy days
sweeping the libs away
and he hopes you’ll say

that his beard looks sweet

Ted Cruz: Grab an eagle and a gun

Kids: Bring that gun to cruz street

[Marjorie Taylor Greene walks in with a rifle]

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Did someone say bring gun?

Ted Cruz: Oh. Marjorie Taylor Greene. What are you doing here?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: I’m just taking a break from releasing the phone numbers of Republicans who voted for the infrastructure bill so they and their families get death threats. And I thought I’d stop by. Here kid, you want to hold the AR-Ted CruzErnie?

Andrew: I don’t think I should.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Pussy.

Ted Cruz: And I hear you have a word from our sponsor.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: That’s right. Today’s episode is brought to you by Q. Not the letter, the man. He will tell us when JFK Jr. who is alive will reveal himself and help President Trump reclaim his rightful throne.

Ted Cruz: Everything about that sounds right. Thanks, Marjorie.

Marjorie Taylor Greene:  I represent America.

Ted Cruz: Now, as you know, I was mocked for attacking Big Bird on Twitter, simply because I’m a human senator and he is an eight foot tall fictional bird. But let’s see what happened to Big Bird after he got the vaccine.

[Big Bird walks in. It’s a guy wearing yellow bird costume]

Big Bird: Oh, man. I don’t feel too good.

Ted Cruz: Wow. So this is what happened to you a week after you got the vaccine?

Big Bird: It sure is. My feathers fell out. My nuts got huge. And my joints don’t work. It’s real bad man.

Ted Cruz: Well, don’t worry. I read online that you can take a bath in Borax, and that will cleanse you have any nanotechnology?

Andrew: You’re sure, Senator Cruz? That sounds kind of dumb.

Ted Cruz: No. You’re dumb. Borax is cool.

Big Bird: Maybe the vaccine gave me COVID.

Ted Cruz: Yes, yes, that sounds correct. Let’s ask our resident medical expert, Joe Rogan.

[Joe Rogan walks in eating chips]

Joe Rogan: Yes, that’s right. I used to host Fear Factor and now doctors fear me.

Big Bird: Can you help me, Joe?

Joe Rogan: Oh, sure thing Big Bird. You see, I took Carlos Mencia down. I can take COVID. Here some zinc, and ayahuasca and some horse medicine.

Big Bird: But why would a bird take horse medicine?

Joe Rogan: I’m a human and I took horse medicine. And I’m speaking of things that are a horse like. Today’s two sponsors are the letters S and D as in I can S my own D.

Bowen: Oh my god. Isn’t this for kids?

Andrew: No one under 65 watches.

Melissa: I’m almost 30.

Ted Cruz: Thanks, Joe Rogan. But S and D aren’t the only letters we’re talking about today. There’s also three terrible letters C, R and T. Critical Race Theory. And I think it stands for Caucasian Rights Trampled. That’s why the proud boys have been invading school board meetings to keep CRT out of our classrooms. Please welcome to have the proud boys, Bert and Ernie.

[Ernie and Bert walk in]

Ernie: Hi. Hi, Ted.

Bert: And yeah, we are out and proud.

Ted Cruz: That’s right. They are out there every day proudly fighting the progressive agenda.

Ernie: Our relationship has progressed a bit.

Bert: We got engaged. [showing their rings] Ha-ha-ha.

Ted Cruz: Engaged in a battle against the tyranny of wokers.

Ernie: Hey, Bert, let’s go take a bath.

[Ernie and Bert leave]

Ted Cruz: Their girlfriends are very lucky. Now another danger facing our country is the Democrats new social safety net bill.

[Oscar comes out of trash can. He’s wearing Grinch costume.]

Oscar: Did somebody say free money?

Ted Cruz: Uh-oh, it’s been Nemesis Oscar the slouch. He’s been trained by the Democrats to suck up the the government.

Oscar: That’s right. Papa Joe Biden gave me so many STEMIs, I decided to quit working and live in this trash can. Now you all work hard and Biden gives me your money.

Ted Cruz: Wow. And you have no shame about that?

Oscar: Um-um. I’m proud of it. I’m a ward of the state. I use your tax money on drugs and pornography.

Ted Cruz: At least he admitted it. All Democrats are him. Let’s take a quick break. And when we return we’ll find out how Trump definitely won the election with the recount count.

[ A guys walks in Dracula custume.]

Dracula: I’m moving to Arizona.

Ted Cruz: And don’t miss our Word of the day, Freedom, with Miss Britney Spears.

[Britney Spears walks in dancing]

Britney Spears: Oh my god, you guys. We did it.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Strange Kid Tales

Alan Daniels… Kenan Thompson

Kenny Jaron… Jonathan Majors

Marla Winters… Aidy Bryant

Dave Timkens… Alex Moffat

Ramona Garrett… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with channel intro]

Male voice: You’re watching the Sci Fi channel. Why?

[Cut to the show intro]

Alan: Alright, welcome back to Strange Kid Tales. The show where parents tell us paranormal stories about their kids. I hate hosting this show. But a paycheck’s a paycheck. I’m Alan Daniels with me is my co host Kenny Jaron. You ready to do this?

Kenny: No. But we got to do it anyway.

Alan: Yep. Our first guest, Marla Winters and her son, Caden.

[Marla Winters and her son walk in]

So what’s going on with this little boy?

Marla: Oh! Well, Caden’s always been so perceptive. And it’s like, he can see other worldly things that we can’t see.

Alan: What does that mean?

Marla: Oh, well, like the other day, we were walking by a cemetery.

Alan: No.

Marla: And he starts waving at someone. Only there’s no one there.

Alan: Do not like it.

Marla: So, I say, “Who are you waving at?” And he says, “The man in the red jacket.”

Alan: The in the what now?

Marla: And the weird part is–

Alan: Oh, that wasn’t the weird part?

Marla: When I was tucking him in that night, he waved at the corner of his bedroom, and I said, “Who are you waving at now?” And he goes, “The man in the red jacket.” He followed us home.

[Alan and Kenny jump out of their seats.]

Alan and Kenny: No. No, no, no, no.

Alan: Alright. Thank you for being here. But you gotta go. Alright. Let’s keep it moving.

Kenny: Do we have to?

Alan: Yes.

Kenny: Okay.

Alan: All right. Our next guests are Dave Timkens and his six year old son, Max.

[Dave Timkens and his son walk in]

No! Kid already looks creepy, he ain’t even said a word.

Kenny: There’s nothing behind his eyes. [The kid, Alan and Kenny stare at each other]

Alan: Alright. So why don’t you just tell me your kid’s tale, man?

Dave: Okay, so well. A few weeks ago, I was watching a World War II doc. They were showing footage of these fighter planes, and out of the blue Max turns to me and says, “When I was old, I flew a plane like that.”

Alan: When he was old? He said when he was old?

Kenny: Nah!

Alan: That is not a sentence I want coming out of a child’s mouth.

Dave: Yeah. So, in a past life, Max here was a World War II fighter pilot. Tell him which aircraft carrier you served on pal.

Max: The Natoma.

Kenny: He knows the name of the ship.

Alan: He knows the name of the ship.

Dave: Yeah, yeah, he does. Max has a really vivid memory of his plane getting shot down and going underwater. Tell him what happened next.

Max: I died.

[Alan and Kenny jump out of their seats]

Alan: Oh, man! Come on! Come on. He said he died. And now he here? Take that demon child away from here. Man, I do not like this show. I don’t like these tales.

Kenny: I’m out. I quit.

Alan: You can’t quit. I need you. I can’t listen to the spooky stories by myself.

Kenny: Alright, back. Maybe the last kid won’t be as creepy.

Alan: Yeah, maybe.

Kenny: Okay. Let’s see. You good?

Alan: Yeah, I’m good. You good?

Kenny: Yes.

Alan: Alright. Man, let’s see. Last guests, Ramona Garrett and her daughter… Oh, hell. Coraline. Alright. So, what’s going on with this little Wednesday Adams?

Ramona: So, a few months ago Coraline started singing the song I’d never heard. I said, “Who taught you that?” She said, “The old lady who comes into my room at night.”

Kenny: No.

Ramona: She said, it’s her imaginary friend. But then we were looking through an old family photo album and there was a picture of her great grandmother who died 15 years ago. [Alan and Kenny are all teared up] And Coraline points to the photo and says, “That’s the woman who sings to me at night.”

[Alan and Kenny jump out of their seats]

Alan: What do I always say? Hmm? Imaginary friends are ghosts. Alright. That’s it. This is our last show. We are done.

Ramona: Oh my gosh. We’re sorry to hear that. [looking at her daughter] Wait. Who are you staring at?

Coraline: [pointing behind Alan and Kenny] The man in the red jacket?

[[Alan and Kenny slowly turns back. There’s a man in the red jacket. They run out.]

Pastor Announcement

Harold… Kenan Thompson

Pastor… Jonathan Majors

Carolyn… Ego Nwodim

Corinne… Aidy Bryant

Christine… Melissa Villaseñor

George… Chris Redd

Punkie Johnson

Travis… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Pastor at a church podium]

Harold: You get what you give
and it’s all how you use it

[Pastor and Carolyn walk forward]

Pastor: Wow. Wow. Thank you, Herold, for that beautiful rendition of god is a DJ by P.

Carolyn: Um-hmm. And it’s our honor and pleasure to welcome you to the first damn Baptist Church.

Pastor: I am Pastor JR Jr. and this is my wife Carolyn. We’re so glad to be with you today.

Carolyn: And it’s so good to see you again, sister Corinne. You’re looking much better.

Corinne: Thank you. I had a facelift.

Pastor: Now, the First Lady and I have an announcement because we have no secrets in this church. Can I get an Amen?

All: Amen.

Carolyn: Now, we have shared 24 beautiful years of marriage. And also last year. Can I get an oh no?

All: Oh, no.

Pastor: That’s right. Till death do us part. And since I can’t kill this woman, I have decided that we are going to open up our marriage.

Carolyn: That’s right. Hallelu-we-are open for business.

Pastor: And it’s hard. It’s hard to talk about in front of the congregation, not because it’s wrong, but because we are only romantically interested in some of you.

Carolyn: Those people have already been notified via perfumed invitation. If you did not receive an invitation. I’m sorry, it’s gonna be a no for me, dog.

Harold: Well, what the hell is wrong with me?

Pastor: Harold, I’m sorry. We just don’t see you that way.

Harold: Well, I am shocked.

Christine: I’m excited to maybe date you guys. So how will this work?

Pastor: We’ll be on many apps. For example, Tinder.

Carolyn: Grindr.

Pastor: Hinge.

Carolyn: Google Earth.

Pastor: Angie’s List.

Carolyn: Coffee Meets Penis.

Pastor: And anyone can invite us to Raya, please do.

Harold: Well, I’m on Raya.

Carolyn: No, you’re not, Harold.

Harold: You right.

George: I have a question. Um, open marriage? Is that what I have?

Pastor: No, George, you are just cheating on your wife.

George: Well, do you think she knows?

Punkie: Well, I do now.

Pastor: If you’re wondering where all this came from, we were talking about our hall passes, and she said hers was Barack Obama.

Carolyn: Then he said his list Travis who sings bass in the church choir.

Pastor: And she said, “You know what? I want to change mine to Travis.”

Travis: Wait. I’m Travis.

Carolyn: Correct. It’s something about you. You’re weird, but in a sexy way.

Travis: Aw. Amen.

Pastor: I’m shocked. You’re also engaged right now because certainly some of us are preaching and I don’t get a “Yes, Pastor”, not a “Amen, Pastor.”

Christine: [wearing her lipstick] Yes, Pastor.

Pastor: Christine. Did you just put on a bunch of lipstick?

Christine: That depends. Do you like it?

Carolyn: Now, what are y’all even doing?

Corinne: [showing her cleavage] Well, my shirt fell down.

George: [showing his stomach] My shirt rolled up.

Carolyn: Alright. Now, y’all just being thirsty.

Pastor: Don’t throw it at us. Why don’t you go around and tell us why you think you should be our first.

Harold: [standing] Alright.

Carolyn: Harold, you wanna sit your ass down.

Pastor: We value your friendship too much.

Harold: I know what that means. Friendzoned by my pastor.

Pastor: You know, actually before y’all answer, why don’t we tell you what we’re into. So, here’s a list of the role plays we enjoy. Doctor-nurse.

Carolyn: Girl dog-boy dog.

Pastor: Baseball manager and umpire in a fight.

Carolyn: Jenna and Hodor.

Corinne: But, do you mean Hoda?

Carolyn: I sure don’t.

Pastor: Now, in terms of lovemaking.

Carolyn: Positions we enjoy include missionary. List is over. You have to know we are pastors.

Harold: You sure? Coz I’ve got these nimble organ fingers.

Carolyn: Harold, shut your ass up. You have one job, play the organ.

Harold: One day I’m gonna walk out that door and you are going to miss this.

Carolyn: No. Alright. Well, we got to go ahead and wrap this up. We’ve got our first date with a nice lady who works at a chicken fillet. And today his holiday off it’s Sunday.

Pastor: Can I get my freak on?

All: Freak on! Amen.

Broadway Benefit

Aidy Bryant

Brad… Kyle Mooney

Brick… Bowen Yang

Bliab… Cecily Strong

Tennyson Hartley… Jonathan Majors

[Starts with audience talking to each other at Broadway Benefit.]

Aidy: Well, thanks for buying the tickets to this Broadway Benefit, Brad.

Brad: Well, they’ve been closed for a year for covid. I wanted to support. So, the headliners are life in brick. Who are they again?

Aidy: Oh, just two of the biggest Broadway legends ever. [to daughter] Honey. Mommy used to come to see this review every holiday season when she was a little girl. It’s fun for the whole family.

Brad: Oh, look, it’s starting.

[Cut to the show. Brick walks to Bliab who is sitting at a table drinking martini]

Bliab: Brig, you son of a bitch. What the hell are you doing in my house?

Brick: Oh, you gave me a set of keys when you were blacked out drunk. Blaib. Remember, you batty brah?

Bliab: Oh, if you’re gonna flirt with me like that, I hope you brought rubbers.

Brick: Hah! Not in this lifetime, you cow.

Brad:  Are you sure this is appropriate for kids?

Aidy: Yeah. It’s a little harder than I remember. But my parents brought me every year. So, don’t worry. The songs are really cute.

Brick: So, what are you getting up to, Bliab, besides drugs?

Bliab: Oh, you’re the one to talk?

Brick: Well, why talk when we can sing?

Bliab: You go for dough

Brick: Well, you like pills

Bliab: Well, you love powder

Brick: We both love powder

Brick and Bliab: Everybody today is doing drugs
Sound go for dots, some go for weed

Bliab: Some girls like acid

Brick: This boy likes speed

Brick and Bliab: Everybody today is doing drugs

Brad: Is this whole song about drugs? Your parents really brought you to this?

Aidy: I guess I didn’t really know what it meant. It’s fine. It’s going over her head.

Brad: Okay, who’s that man crawling through the window?

Brick and Bliab: Dad’s legend, Tennyson Hartley, as I live and breathe.

Tennyson: Did I miss the party?

Brick: Why didn’t you just talk through the door?

Tennyson: Because, I’m high as a kite.

Brick, Bliab and Tennyson: Some say, if you feel a little down
you simply go right into town

Brick: And get yourself some candy

Tennyson: He means nose candy

Brick, Bliab and Tennyson: You don’t have the money you can get a little handy

Brad: No. No, no, no, no. That’s not okay. We shouldn’t go.

Aidy: Well, but Tennyson is about to dance and that’s what he’s known for. He’s incredible.

[Tennyson is dancing and it’s a very bad dance]

Brick: Wow!

Bliab: You still got it, Tennyson.

Tennyson: Hey, I know Christmas is still away but why don’t we do our secret Santa early?

Brick: Sure! I got you coke.

Tennyson: I got you blunt.

Bliab: Oh, I got you too.

Brick: And I got you snow.

Bliab: Coke, coke, coke
I’m into the speedy snow

Brick, Bliab and Tennyson: Coke, coke, coke, coke, cocaine!
Some day, that there’s not better type of high
the shooting speed right in your eye
but don’t tell the cop

Tennyson: I might have taken poppers

Bliab: I did so much LSD

Brick, Bliab and Tennyson: Nobody can stop her
K is fine
T is swell
I don’t know how qualu spell
U-U-A-A-L-L-U-U-A
I guess some more of obotune

Tennyson: We’ll smoke anything off a bong

Brick, Bliab and Tennyson: Snort, sniff, pot
and you’ll feel like you could jump off a building and survive

everyone today is using

Brick: Which bobbins array you choosing?

Tennyson: I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna jump off the building.

Brick: No. Tennyson!

Brick, Bliab and Tennyson: Everybody today is doing drugs. 

Aidy: I am so sorry. I guess it’s not for kids at all.

Brad: [to daughter] You okay, Sally? We can go.

Sally: Are you kidding? I got goosebumps.

Brad: And a theater lover is born! [clapping]

 

Cancelling Cable

Brad Herman… Kieran Culkin

Mateus… Mikey Day

Tanya… Aidy Bryant

Donna… Ego Nwodim

Tina… Heidi Gardner

Kenan Thompson

Adam… Kyle Mooney

Marcy… Melissa Villaseñor

Sarah Sherman

Spectrum… Bowen Yang

[Starts with Brad Herman packing things up. His phone is ringing.]

Brad Herman: [answering the phone] Yes, hello.

Female voice: This is a callback request from spectrum cable. Please hold for a representative.

Mateus: Hi there. This is Mateus with spectrum cable. Is this Brad Herman.

Brad Herman: Yeah. Hi.

Mateus: Hi. And what can I help you with today, Mr. Herman?

Brad Herman: I just need to cancel my cable.

Mateus: Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. Before we begin, would you like to add a telephone landline to your current package for Brad HermanMateus.99 a month?

Brad Herman: No, I’m good. I just need to cancel the cable. I tried to do it online. But they said I had to call.

Mateus: Of course, Mr. Herman. May I ask the reason for the cancellation?

Brad Herman: My girlfriend and I broke up and I’m moving out.

Mateus: Oh, no. I’m so sorry. Your relationship fell apart, Mr. Herman. Mr. Herman, may I ask the cause of the breakup?

Brad Herman: No, that’s personal.

Mateus: Of course, Mr. Herman. Please write down this reference number in case we get disconnected. Do you have a pen and paper handy?

Brad Herman: No, not really.

Mateus: Wonderful, Mr. Herman. The number is 7-B as in boy, F as in five, G as in 5G, six as n six boys. Thank you. Please hold for a cancellation agent.

Female voice: Your call is important to us and will be answered in the order that we feel like.

Tanya: Hi, this is Tanya. For security purposes, can you tell me the 42 digit customer pin number that came on your first bill?

Brad Herman: My first bill? The one I got six years ago? I don’t have that.

Tanya: Oh, not a problem. We can use one of your security questions. What city did your mom lose her virginity in?

Brad Herman: That’s disgusting. I don’t want to talk about that.

Tanya: Well and that is what you answered. Okay. Alright, so when is a good time for a Spectrum technician to come install your new landline?

Brad Herman: Never I don’t want a landline. I just want to cancel my cable.

Tanya: Of course. I’ll transfer you to cancellations. I’ve been Tanya.

Female voice: Wi Fi trouble? Try unplugging your router and spitting in it.

Donna: This is Donna with Spectrum. Just to confirm it says here you’re looking to pay more money for less channels?

Brad Herman: No Why would I want that?

Donna: I’m not sure sir. That’s why I asked. How dare I, right? Pissing me off. Hold please.

Female voice: Due to higher than normal call volume, your call will not be answered. Goodbye.

[dead tone]

Brad Herman: Oh my god! [phone ringing] Yeah, hello.

Tina: Hi, Mr. Herman. This is Tina with Spectrum. How are you this afternoon?

Brad Herman: Honestly not great. How are you?

Tina: [sobbing] I’m not great either, actually. Pretty much falling apart and I’m sorry. Please hold. Thank you for choosing Spectrum.

Female voice: Doing No Nut November? Spectrums got you covered with the selection of sex and nudity free movies on demand.

Brad Herman: No Nut November?

Kenan: Ay, what colors do house man?

Brad Herman: I’m sorry.

Kenan: Yeah, this is the Spectrum tech. I’m on your street to install your landline and I can’t find your house.

Brad Herman: No, I don’t know how this landline thing got started but I do not want one.

Kenan: Oh no, no, it’s too late to change your mind, man. It’s too late.

Female voice: Like basketball, our game day sports upgrade gets you the NBA network and 85 Spanish language soccer channels.

Adam: Hello. Oh hi. My name is Adam and I’m a Customer Service Rep. How are you?

Brad Herman: Not good, you know. I’m very close to being triggered.

Adam: Very cool. Let me pull up your account. The heck? It’s like my computer’s being crazy right now. Let me just connect you to someone else. Sorry about that.

[pizza delivery boy answers the phone]

Andrew: Domino’s Pizza. Interested in trying our new Santa bread dippers?

Brad Herman: Domino’s? Are you kidding me? They transfered me to Domino’s?

Andrew: Who? Spectrum? Yeah, they do this all the time. I’ll transfer you to a cancellations rep.

Brad Herman: Oh god, thank you. You’ve honestly been the most competent person I’ve talked to you today.

Andrew: That’s crazy because I’m high as hell.

Female voice: One premium channels without premium prices, not gonna happen. We’d lose a ton of money.

Marcy and Sarah: Hi there, Mr. Herman.

Sarah: [laughing] Oh my god, Marcy. We both answered the same call. Ha-ha.

Marcy: We’re so crazy.

Sarah: Sorry about that. I’ll hop off.

Marcy: Me too.

Brad Herman: Don’t both hop off. No.

Marcy and Sarah: Hold please.

Female voice: Have a question about your bill? Ask your husband to explain it to you.

Brad Herman: Wow.

Mateus: Hi, Mr. Herman. It’s Mateus.

Brad Herman: Dude! Dude! I’m about to lose it, okay? And guess what? It happened? Okay? I am triggered, okay? That’s right. I’m triggered. So, the next person that you transfer me to better have the power to cancel my cable.

Mateus: Are you sure?

Brad Herman: Yes, Brad Herman,000% yes.

Mateus: Very well. I’ll transfer you.

[transfers to the AI]

Brad Herman: Yes. Hi, who is this?

Spectrum: I am Spectrum, the source, the Nexus, the provider.

Brad Herman: Okay, can you cancel my cable?

Spectrum: There is nothing I cannot do. For I am made of pure data.

Brad Herman: Great, then cancel my cable.

Spectrum: Can I insist you in six months of free Disney plus?

Brad Herman: No, just cancel it.

Spectrum: As you wish. Enjoy your new spectrum landline.

Brad Herman: No. I’m not getting a landline.

[Kenan is standing beside Brad Herman]

Kenan: Yes, you are, man. Where do you want me to put the landline?

Mattress Store

Denise… Aidy Bryant

Richard… Rami Malek

Salesman… Bowen Yang

[Starts with Denise and Richard checking out a mattress]

Denise: Oh, I like this one. It is so soft.

Richard: Yeah. But is it too soft? Look at me, like Goldilocks.

[Salesman walks in]

Salesman: Hi, can I help you folks with anything today?

Richard: Um, we’re looking for a mattress, but we’re torn between these two.

Salesman: Oh, it is a big decision. We do spend a third of our lives in bed.

Denise: Wow, yeah, true. Hey, honey, why don’t we try it out so we can see how it would really feel.

[Denise lies down on the mattress]

Richard: Okay. [to Salesman] Sometimes I get home late from work and it just wakes her up.

Salesman: Oh, sure. Just try this out, you’ll barely feel any movement. Go ahead.

[Richard lies down with Denise]

Denise: Well, well, well. Look who’s finally home. Where were you?

Richard: Denise, you’re awake.

Denise: I am, and you reek of vermouth and whores.

Richard: Can we not do this Denise?

Denise: Oh, so I’m the problem? Go to hell! [Denise and Richard think for a moment] Yeah, this was good, right? I love it.

Richard: Yeah. Yeah. This is really, really comfortable.

[Salesman is confused]

Salesman: Okay.

Richard: I can really picture us one this.

Denise: I know. Yeah.

[trying the mattress again]

Richard: Goodnight, my love.

Denise: Goodnight. You were being weird at the party tonight.

Richard: I was having fun.

Denise: You kept talking to Andrea and Andrea is a bitch.

Richard: Am I on trial, you nagging shrew?

[Denise and Richard think for a moment]

Denise and Richard: This is nice.

Denise: Yeah, honestly, I almost fell asleep.

Salesman: No, you guys were doing like, a little play.

Richard: Well, you know, we just want to make sure that the mattress is perfect for us.

Denise: Yeah, like you said, you know, we spent three thirds of our lives in bed.

Salesman: That is not what I said.

Richard: Honey, let’s try the other one.

Salesman: Yeah. Go head. You want to make sure the right decision.

[Denise and Richard lie down on the other mattress]

Denise: Oh, okay. Sleep tight, Richard.

Richard: Oh, Deinse, you’re driving me wild with that night gown.

Denise: No, Richard. I’m tired.

Richard: Oh, really? You’ve been tired for a month, Denise. Whatever, goodnight.

[Richard covers his hip with a bedsheet and pretends like he’s masturbating.]

Denise: Richard! I’m not even asleep yet and you’re jerking it?

Richard: I’m backed up and it’s pissing me off.

Denise: Oh, wow. Wow. You’re watching  porn in our brand new sleepy town bed? Well, tell me the title. Tell me the title of the porn.

Salesman: Now, don’t tell her, man.

Richard: Hot lady gets adult detention.

Denise: Oh, you disgusting.

[Denise and Richard think for a moment]

Denise and Richard: Oh, yeah. We love this one.

Denise: But you know what? I did like the other one too. Should we try it again?

Richard: Sure.

Denise: See, this does feel just as nice.

Richard: It is so soft.

Salesman: So, what do we think? Hello? Are you guys asleep?

Denise: [screaming] Ah! There’s someone in the house.

Richard: I’ll get the gun.

[Richard pulls out a gun from under the pillow]

Salesman: When did you put that thing there?

Denise: No, Richard, not that gun. Get the killing gun.

[Denise pulls out a bigger gun from under her pillow and passes it to Denise]

Richard: Good thinking, Denise. Bang, bang.

Denise: Oh my god. You killed the intruder. You protected me. Damn. I’m so horny for you.

Richard: You come to me.

Denise: Yes. Do me like I’m in adult detention.

[Denise and Richard start making out]

Salesman: Hey! Alright, enough! Enough! Please, you want to buy this mattress or what?

Denise: Oh god, the intruder is still alive. And he has your gun. Bang!

Richard: Ah! [acts like he’s been shot] I’m hit.

Denise: No.

Richard: Goodbye, Denise. I love you.

Denise: You saved me. But I’m so horny. Oh, but my husband is dead. He’s dead in our bed from SleepyTown.

Male voice: SleepyTown, USA, “A bed for wife, a bed for life”.