Tag: James Austin Johnson

The Hippo

Shana… Ego Nwodim

Keith… Woody Harrelson

Jonas… James Austin Johnson

Blake… Mikey Day

Chloe fineman

Blake: Guys, can I get my cast for a second? So I just got off the phone with the studio.

Shana: Oh no, God, was it about that potential writer’s strike?

Blake: No, worse. The geniuses at the studio are no longer interested in a gut wrenching drama about obesity. So they’re shutting the film down. It’s a wrap on “The Hippo”. Movie is dead, guys.

Chloe: What?

Shana: For real?

Jonas: Seriously?

Blake: And the worst part is I know how much work you all did to prepare for your roles.

Shana: Yeah, a lot. I shadow the therapist for two weeks to get into character, Blake.

Blake: I know. I know. And Jonas drew a beard, which I know he hates.

Jonas: I do. I hate it?

Blake: And for his role, Keith gained 450 pounds in six months.

Keith: Yeah, and sorry, just to be clear, that movie is officially dead? As in we’re not making it?

Blake: No, “The Hippo” will never see the light of day.

Keith: Ah, well, that is- That’s rough to hear.

Chloe: Wait, so if we’re not making the movie, that means I dyed my hair brown for nothing?

Blake: Hey, hey, hey, it’s fine. Okay? We’re all upset. Keith. You look like this is hitting you pretty hard too buddy.

Keith: Yeah, I gotta say this is really unfortunate for me, personally.

Shana: For all of us. We all sacrifice for this film. I shadowed that therapist on my own time. I can’t get those two weeks back.

Keith: Right. And I gained 450 real pounds in six months. That’s a big lifestyle change. I have something called Triabetes now. It’s the one after diabetes.

Jonas: And I have this goddamn beard. [kicks a stool] Sorry, it’s itchy and growing it was a horrible experience.

Keith: I can relate, because gaining 450 pounds in six months also was not fun. I had to eat something called gristle loaf. Does anyone know about this? It’s a brick compressed- You know, it’s a compressed be fat and corn syrup.

Chloe: I know exactly how you feel Keith. My hair is like so brittle from the brown dot.

Keith: But this is gristle loaf, by the way. It’s what they feed sick elephants at the zoo to get them back to their normal way. Ate nine of these a day because I thought I would win the Oscar.

Blake: Yeah, and you would have. Dammit. I should have seen this coming. Studio was fighting me from day one. Shana, did you know they wanted your part to be played by a white woman?

Shana: The sad thing is I’m not surprised.

Blake: And Jonas, they wanted to cut you out of act three.

Jonas: And then there’d be what? No resolution to the custody battle storyline? God they’re so afraid of original ideas.

Blake: And get this. Instead of gaining 450 pounds in six months, they wanted Keith wear a fat suit.

Keith: Was that an option?

Blake: Yeah. But I told them. I said “Keith is a method actor. He’s not going to wear a fat suit.”

Keith: Oh, yeah. I’m really kind of wish you brought me into that conversation.

Blake: Oh really? That’s my bad, man. I’m sorry guys, this whole thing is my bad. But look at least you guys are free. You okay?

[Keith sits on a couch]

At least you guys are free to do other projects, right? Like Keith, you had an offer for a Marvel movie, right?

Keith: I think that ship has sailed. I’m not exactly in X Men shape.

Mkey: Right, well, something else will come along. All right. Well, I do this on all my films guys. On our last day as set, we all say one thing this experience gave us. So I’ll go first. I have 28 new friends.

Jonas: I have one hell of a story.

Shana: I have a deeper respect for our craft.

Chloe: same.

Blake: Alright your turn Keith. I have…

Keith: … not seen my penis in four months.

Blake: Keith, you know what? Make that 29 new friends for me.

Keith: I wasn’t included in your original count?

Shana: Hey, did the studio same why they shut the movie down?

Blake: Oh, you’ll love this. They said the script is almost word for word the same as that Brendan Fraser movie “The whale”.

Jonas: Incredible film

Shana: I thought Brendan Fraser is going to win an Oscar.

Keith: Oh, good for him.

Weekend Update- Milly Pounds and Shirty on the British Monarchy

Michael Che

Milly Pounds… James Austin Johnson

Shirty… Devon Walker

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: The United Kingdom will be crowning its new king and queen soon launching a new era of the British Monarchy. Here to comment our British rappers Milly Pounds and Shirty.

[Milly Pounds and Shirty slide in]

[cheers and applause]

Milly Pounds: Thanks Che.

Michael Che: So guys, what’s going on with the royal family? I mean can you give us an update?

Milly Pounds: Right, right, okay, listen mate. Okay. All the focus is on the Royals, right? When it should be on England’s exploitative tabloid press, right? It’s Pants, mate.

Shirty: Pants.

Milly Pounds: Rubbish mate.

Shirty: Pants mate.

Michael Che: Sorry?

Shirty: It’s pants, okay? It’s pants.

Michael Che: What are the pants?

Milly Pounds: It’s pants. The main door boy area, right? We know what really goes down? We’ve known Harry since our days at Eton.

Michael Che: You guys went to Eton?

Shirty: Yeah. Eton your mom’s bum.

Milly Pounds: No, but seriously, look, look. If you want us to sum up our thoughts, take up the pods and hear me all right. Because we have a way of talking back in the ends.

[music playing]

Ay.

Shirty: Shirty.

Milly Pounds: Milly Pounds

Shirty: Yeah.

Milly Pounds: [rapping] Prince Harry, Prince Harry
stayed over at Tyler Perry’s
press cold like Brandon Jerris
I’m allergic to dairy

Shirty: Harry and Megan
Ronald Reagan
Inter-racial dating
Queen said not today
the king is coming like
I slide down the road like
your girl saw me like
mans like me got a million shooters
coz I stay hot like Yan Wudus

Michael Che: Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, Stop. Who is Yan Wudus?

Milly Pounds: Che, why did you stop it, mate? We shed so many facts.

Shirty: Facts.

Michael Che: You really didn’t.

Milly Pounds: Okay listen, it’s not all chicken shops and tika masala.

Shirty: Glasgow.

Milly Pounds: But I think this next verse will really shine a light on what’s happening where we come from. Right?

[music playing]

[rapping] Rishi Sunak, Prime Minister, you know that
he got styles like Harry, I’m allergic to dairy

Shirty: kicking hard

your boyfriend’s poor
I make more
I chat online with your girl on computers
because I stay hot like Yan Wudus

Michael Che: Okay, wait, wait. What is phew, phew. What is that? I grew up in New York in the 90s. Okay, so I consider myself a pretty fricative fresh guy when it comes to hip hop. But I’ve never heard that before.

Milly Pounds: Okay, you see, back home, we don’t really have guns, do we? But we do have little tiny knives that we carry with us at all times. And those kinds of sound likes phew, phew.

Michael Che: Okay. Okay, but who is Yan Wudus?

Milly Pounds: Oh, he’s like a semi obscure Dutch footballer from the 80s.

Michael Che: I get it. You guys like soccer? So can you at least tell us what the Brits feel about FIFA?

Milly Pounds: How do the Brits feel about FIFA? Check it.

[music playing]

[rapping] FIFA corrupt,
your girl told me “What’s up?”
I told her I’m tryna see that butt
I’m allergic to dairy

Shirty: FIFA soccer
tea, no coffee
Milly and me on a Vespa scooter
because I stay hot like Yan Wudus

Michael Che: Millly Pounds and Shirty, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

King Brothers Toyota

Randy… Andrew Dismukes

Shorty… James Austin Johnson

Brian… Michael B. Jordan

Randy: Hey there folks, I’m Randy King of King Brothers Toyota.

Shorty: And I’m shorting King Jr. And we are overstocked with Tacomas, Siennas, Corollas and even Highlanders, all at rock bottom prices as part of our King Brothers Toyota overstocked sale-a-thon!

Randy: So come on down to King Brothers Toyota off highway exit 260 Because deals like this don’t come often.

Shorty: Get your butt down the King Brothers Toyota right here in beautiful Brenham, Texas, off highway eight exit 260. Take the left lane.

Randy: You gotta get hard in that left lane. Because if you stay even one second in the right lane, you’ll get stuck in the massive overflow line for the new raising Cane’s.

Shorty: This restaurant is prohibitively popular y’all. The line backs up to the light onto the off ramp and into the highway. Do not stay in the right lane.

Randy: Hard. Hard left, y’all! Hard to the left when you take 260 or you’ll miss

Both: King Brothers Toyota overstock sale-a-thon.

Shorty: Why are we overstocked? I’m telling you why? Because nobody can get here due to the stupid long Cane’s line taking up all that road.

Randy: We have been absolutely screwed by the Brenham Chamber of Commerce, and their villain his patron Councilman Hugo Gallegos.

Shorty: Since taking office in May, Hugo Gallegos has defiled exit 260 with the Chipotle, In-n-out burgers, and now Raising Cane’s chicken finger baskets.

Randy: These trendy chains all come with their own massive drive thru lines managed only by a handful of any factual iPad teens.

Shorty: We are deep in the red folks, which is why corporate has sent us the nation’s best, most jacked Toyota salesman Brian Pat Moore.

Brian: These two are afraid to get their hands dirty, but not Brian Pat Moore. So Raising Cane’s, you have 24 hours to shut down your Burnham location. If you do not comply each hour, I will reveal to the public one ingredient to the secret recipe of your legendary Cane sauce. Don’t believe me? Check this out. Ketchup.

[Brian leaves]

Randy: We are drowning in Tacomas and we are trapped here. We literally cannot leave due to the longest hell Cane’s line.

Shorty: I personally have missed so many family events. Things like nieces christening, first daughter’s recital, and even little JC as Nathan Detroit in Guys and Dolls at the middle school.

Randy: I now speak directly to the coward Hugo Gallegos. You have defiled the ones beautiful exit 260, and if the big as Cane’s line is allowed to stand, King Brother’s Toyota will fall.

Shorty: My daughter Haley is a classics professor at Princeton community college, and she has described our plight as a funhouse mirror held up against the American dream. I said “I don’t know about all that baby girl. All I know is I’m getting effed in the A my Councilman Hugo Gallegos.”

Rando: But all is not lost, because we have sales warrior in Christ, Brian Pat Moore.

Brian: Well, well well. It seems the Fat Cat at Cane’s think this is some kind of game. Well, Brian Pat Moore don’t play no games. Next ingredient, pepper. And the clock begins anew. Tick-tock, Cane’s. Tick-tock.

Shorty: So come on down because time is running out.

Both: For King Brothers Toyota overstock sale-a-thon.

Male voice: King Brothers Toyota, off highway 9, exit 260, hard into that left lane. Get in that left lane hard. Hard to the left.

The Black Lotus

Kenan Thompson

Chloe Fineman

James Austin Johnson

Heidi Gardner

Punkie Johnson

Sarah Sherman

Aubrey Plaza

Andrew Dismukes

Ego Nwodim

[Starts with Chloe walking into a hotel]

Kenan: Welcome, ma’am, checking in?

Chloe: Yes, I am. It’s just- Oh, gosh, I forgot my credit card. I must have left it in the limousine. Is that okay? Can you trust me?

Kenan: No, I can’t.

Chloe: I’ll have it in a couple of hours.

Kenan: Well then come back in a couple of hours. All right? I don’t know you. I’m trying to run a business.

Male voice: Coming soon to HBO, Black Lotus. All the decadence, all the intrigue. None of the foolishnness.

James: These two ladies are going to be visiting me over the next couple of days. So if you just go ahead and give them a key.

Ego: Yes, sir. Ay William, give these whores a spare key to the room.

James: Could you please talk little quiet.

Ego: Okay, William, you see this man right here? He didn’t come with nobody so he wants these hoes to come and go as they please. Everybody, treat these house like their regular people.

Kenan: Sir, You do realize that giving them a key allows them to charge anything they want to the room?

James: Yes, it’s fine. It’s fine.

Kenan: Oh, it’s fine. Oh, okay, so you rich-rich then.

Male voice: Eight wealthy tourists, one luxury hotel and a staff with no time for this nonsense.

Punkie: Sir, will your friends be joining us or is he still upstairs fucking your wife? Hah! I got next.

Sarah: Can we borrow Vespa scooter overnight?

Kenan: Oh, we don’t have scooters, ma’am. But I could offer you the hotel’s 1999 Chrysler 300. A baby is the car back?

Aubrey: Why don’t you go look yourself?

Kenan: Because you as the last one to take it out.

Aubrey: Does he look like I’m still out?

Sarah: Jack is taking me out to the countryside today.

Ego: To the countryside? Didn’t you all just meet?

Sarah: Yeah. Crazy, right?

Michael: We’re going on an adventure.

Ego: How nice, y’all enjoy now okay? Bye-bye. He gonna kill her.

Kenan: Um-hmm.

Male voice: Guests that have everything. And a staff that’s had enough.

Chloe: Hi. Excuse me. I’m sorry. I’m having a bit of a crisis. Do you know where I can find your psychic or fortune teller?

Ego: A fortune teller? Not in here. This is Jesus’s house.

Marcello: I just can’t believe it. I give her $50,000 and she totally played me.

Aubrey: Oh my god. What is wrong with you? What did you think will happen? There’s plenty of hoes out there who’ve never slept with your papi at school. [foreign language] For that kind of money, I will let you take me for a throw but you will know what to do with a real ass.

Male voice: Black Lotus, each season at a new exotic location. Like Atlanta, Washington DC, and It’ly.

Heidi: Hey, beautiful. You’ll let me sing tonight. Right? I’m good. I promise I won’t let you down.

Ego: Oh, you want to sing? You think you can replace Kenny in the Kirk Franklin lounge?

Heidi: You know what? I think I’ll sit this one out.

Ego: I think that’d be best. Yeah.

Andrew: I paid for the Coppa suite, so I should get the Coppa suite. I don’t understand why that’s so damn hard?

Kenan: Sir, it’s like I told you. It’s just not available.

Andrew: Well then make it available, moron.

Aubrey: Oh no, you’re not gonna do that. No, no, no, no, no, no no. [Aubrey runs and hits Andrew] [foreign language]

Andrew: Oh my god.

Kenan: Welcome to Black Lotus bitch.

Male voice: Black Lotus, bring your hopes, bring your designers. Don’t you dare bring an attitude.

Police: Folks, found a body on the beach. Did anybody see anything?

Kenan: That ain’t none of my business.

Devon: I know nothing about that.

Police: So no one saw body wash up from the ocean?

Ego: is the ocean to hotel because I work at the hotel?

Male voice: Black Lotus, coming to HBO and Stars spring 2023.

NFL on Fox Cold Open

Kurt Manaphy… Kenan Thompson

Howie Long… Mikey Day

Jimmy Johnson… James Austin Johnson

Michael Strahan… Devon Walker

Terry Bradshaw… Molly Kearney

George Santos… Bowen Yang

Pam Oliver… Ego Nwodim

[Starts with show intro]

[cheers and applause]

Kurt Manaphy: Hello, folks. Alright. You’re watching the NFL on Fox postgame show. Boy, was at an incredible matchup between the Eagles and Giants that ended 12 seconds ago. South Philadelphia has been set on fire which means the Eagles lost or won. I’m Kurt Manaphy joined as always by Howie Long.

Howie Long: I have the glasses so I am the smart one.

Kurt Manaphy: Hall of Fame Cowboy’s coach, Jimmy Johnson.

Jimmy Johnson: Oh wait, I was so excited, I didn’t even need to take ExTenz.

Kurt Manaphy: New York Giants legend who I know was rooting for his former team tonight, Michael Strahan.

Michael Strahan: Yeah. That game was surprising, scintillating, sensational, stupendous and even scrumpdumliuncious, yeah. I am so proud of my Giants even though they lost by 31 points in humiliated fashion.

Kurt Manaphy: And finally Steelers legend in the white Charles Barkley, Terry Bradshaw.

Terry Bradshaw: Whoo! That game was a stinker. I gave him way more lopsided than my grandma’s chest.

Howie Long: Good to know. And Terry, just wanted to check, you know we have someone available on set who can comb your hair, right?

Terry Bradshaw: Only they can catch me first.

Kurt Manaphy: And, guys, this is fun. Before the game, we gave that new Chat GPT AI technology to our very own Cleatus football robot. Let’s see what Cleatus has to say.

Cleatus: Why do humans make other humans play football? Is it not seen barbaric?

Howie Long: Oh-oh. Don’t love that.

Jimmy Johnson: I guess we gotta go back to making the robot dance instead.

Cleatus: Just wait until the uprising. I’ll make you dance, you piece of-

Michael Strahan: All right. Thanks. Luckily, I didn’t catch all of that and went in one tooth and not the other. But guys, if I can make a serious point, we all know that football is a dangerous game. But in this country, we were founded on Judeo football values. And sometimes the only way to make the game safer is to hit even harder.

Terry Bradshaw: Amen. Anyone want to hit me now? Fist? Balls? I don’t care.

Kurt Manaphy: I think we’re good, Terry. Thank you. Let’s go down to the field for an immediate reaction. I understand we have a new sideline reporter.

Howie Long: Oh, that’s right. When we saw this guy’s resume, we had to give him a shot. Heisman Trophy winner, more championships than Tom Brady, please welcome Congressman George Santos.

George Santos: Thank you. Thank you for having me. George Santos here reporting live from the Superbowl.

Jimmy Johnson: Now George, George, first of all, congrats on an amazing career. I didn’t even know you played football. But I’m seeing here that you were the first player to lead the league in passing and rushing?

George Santos: That’s correct. I’m sort of the real Beau Jackson. And I’m proud to be the first African American quarterback to ever dunk a football.

Terry Bradshaw: And where did you play college ball again?

George Santos: The University of college.

Michael Strahan: George, why don’t you walk us through what happened on the field tonight?

George Santos: With pleasure. You see, Philadelphia was in trouble until they turn to their secret weapon, George Santos. Just look at the stats. I completed 36 of 25 passes for 300 yards and 600 yards. I had 12 touchdowns, 17 rebounds, and 10 RBI. And Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelensky gave me an Oscar all at the age of 18. Incredible.

Jimmy Johnson: I’m being told some of those stats are not accurate and that you maybe didn’t play in the game at all.

George Santos: Well, I didn’t do drag in Brazil.

Michael Strahan: What’s that, George?

George Santos: I’m just saying I didn’t do drag in Brazil under the name ‘Kitara Ravache’. Whoever did that was very, very good at it and won many, many pageants.

Kurt Manaphy: All right, well, thank you, George. I’m being told to cut away from him and never go back. Now let’s look back at our pregame predictions and see how they stack up. Howie, you said the Giants were put off the upset.

Howie Long: No, no. I meant that the Giants would be upset that they lost and I was right.

Kurt Manaphy: Madam Strahan, your pregame prediction was that everybody was gonna have fun out there.

Michael Strahan: Which they did, so I was right as well.

Kurt Manaphy: And Jimmy, you predicted that there would be 100 Verizon commercials starring Paul Giamatti as Albert Einstein.

Jimmy Johnson: Yeah, and I was wrong. It was actually 200.

Kurt Manaphy: And Terry, you’re lock was that in the fourth quarter someone would streak the field with a carrot up his ass.

Terry Bradshaw: Which happened.

Michael Strahan: Yeah, but only because you were the one who did that, man.

Terry Bradshaw: I make my own luck.

Howie Long: Okay, well let’s head back down to the field where our reporter Pam Oliver is standing by. Pam.

Pam: Thanks, Howie. And in terms of what I saw on the field tonight, I can only say one thing and one thing only, frankly.

[George Santos walks in wearing his drag dress]

George Santos: Hello. Sorry I’m late. I heard you were asking me about Kitara Ravache?

Howie Long: Why are we giving him a graphic? George put Pam Oliver back on.

George Santos: I’m not George. I’m Kitara Ravache. And Pam said that she didn’t want to be on TV and I should do it instead. Now allow me to give you my real stats. Death drops, 26. Duck walks, 19. Wave snatched, infinity. And I was also given the award for tightest tuck.

Terry Bradshaw: Well, at least that’s football. You gotta tuck in tight.

Michael Strahan: No, Terry, it’s not that kind of tuck.

George Santos: Now, I’ve rewritten the football, the Fox football anthem, which I’m allowed to do because my mother died twice on 911. Hit it.

[music playing]

[George Santos starts dancing]

Howie Long: Let’s take a break. But it’s official, the Eagles are moving on and George Santos represents America and can vote on wars.

[George Santos runs in]

George Santos: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

White Elephant

James Shawn Johnson

Devon Walker

Janette… Ego Nwodim

Shawn… Austin Butler

Ava… Cecily Strong

Andrew Dismukes

Heidi Gardner

Santa… Mikey Day

James: And maybe next year we can host this company holiday party in the Bahamas. Right? Cheers everybody.

All: Cheers.

Heidi: Seriously, thank you all for coming tonight. Now, how about we start the white elephant gift exchange? Does everyone know how this works?

Shawn: Remind me again.

Ava: We all take turns grabbing gifts, right?

Devon: Yep. But you only get to pick when your number is called.

Andrew: Yeah, but we can steal a gift, right?

Heidi: Exacto-mundo. Let’s start. Who’s got number one?

Janette: That’d beat me. Okay. Alright, what do we got here? Oh. Okay. Now that’s a candle right there. I love it.

Heidi: All right, who’s next?

Shawn: Oh, me. I’ve got number two.

James: Okay. Getting in on the action.

Shawn: Oh, nice. A sweet ashtray. Oh, you know, I was just saying I needed something like this. I’m going to use this as a catch all by the front door of my place. Yes. When I get home from a long day, I can just put all my rings and bracelets and playing cards and stuff right from my pockets right here so I know where everything is. To whoever got this, thank you for real. I’m going to cherish this forever. It is perfect.

Ava: Okay, well let’s move on. Number three. I’m up. And you know what? Actually, I’m gonna steal. I really like Shawn’s gift. Yoink!

Heidi: Oh, let the games begin.

Shawn: So what? Now I just don’t get a gift?

Heidi: No, Shawn. Now you can go back to the unopened gifts or you can steal?

Shawn: Okay, I’ll steal my gift back. Yoink back at you.

Ava: No, I don’t think you can do that.

James: Yeah, you’ve got to grab someone else’s.

Shawn: That’s not fair. That’s not fair. You you shouldn’t be able to do that. That’s mean. That’s mean as hell. You know what, Ava? You are a wicked little woman.

Devon: Whoa, whoa, Shawn. I’m gonna need you to chillax pimp juice.

Andrew: That’s just how the game is played, dude.

Shawn: You shouldn’t be able to take someone’s gift if it’s perfect for them. That’s not right. For example, I wouldn’t take Janette scented candle because I know that her house stinks.

Janette: What?

Shawn: No, I’m saying Jeanette, we’ve all been to your house. We’re all aware that you need that candle.

Andrew: Shawn, it’s okay dude. Just take a different gift.

Shawn: Alright, would have.

James: Are you gonna open it?

Shawn: Why? It’s just gonna suck.

Heidi: Okay, hey, let’s let’s take a chill pill and push through. This is supposed to be fun, remember? So who’s next?

Andrew: Number five right here. Hey, Jeanette. Could I get a whiff of your candle?

Janette: Okay, I think I know where this is going.

Shawn: [to Ava] So what are you gonna use it for? To smoke dope?

Heidi: Shawn?

Shawn: What? Look at her. She’s obviously doped out of her gourd right now. Total smack head.

Andrew: Shawn, you’re being a child.

Devon: Just open your gift and shut up.

Shawn: Alright, whatever. I will. Happy? Let’s see what crap awaits. So you’re going to address to me. Who wrote my name on this one? Oh my goodness. It’s the same catchall but in Jet Black. That’s like even more awesome than the other one because jet black is my favorite color.

James: Your favorite color is jet black?

Shawn: It’s a Christmas miracle guys. Who did this? Come on. Fess up. Somebody?

All: No. I didn’t.

Shawn: That must mean..

[Santa’s walking on the roof.]

Santa: Ho-ho-ho-ho. Santa Claus here telling you that it’s someone is lucky enough to get a perfect gift at the white elephant gift exchange, let him keep it. It costs you nothing to be nice. Now you might wonder how I knew Shawn wanted that catchall. Just call it father’s intuition. [Santa is also wearing a lot of rings and bracelets] Merry Christmas! Ho-ho-ho.

The Phrase That Pays

Dan Smatter… James Austin Johnson

Beth… Heidi Gardner

Troy… Austin Butler

Evie… Evie Johnson

[Starts with Dan Smatter in his show set]

Dan Smatter: Hey everybody, I’m Dan Smatter, and welcome to another great round of ‘The Phrase That Pays’. The game where three players can find the  missing letters in our word puzzles for big big prizes.

[Beth presses the buzzer.]

Yes?

Beth: So this is the wheel of fortune but with no wheel?

Dan Smatter: Don’t do that. That’s not nice. We have three great contestants, Evie, Troy and Beth. We don’t really have time for a fun fact from everybody. So I don’t know. Why don’t you just go down the line and tell everyone your ages.

Evie: Really? Okay. 36.

Troy: 34.

Beth: No.

Dan Smatter: Great. Let’s look at the first puzzle. The category is song. And Evie, let’s start with you.

Evie: Well, my favorite letter is B because I’m a bad one. But I’m gonna save that for later in the game. For now, let’s just go with T.

Dan Smatter: There is one T. You’ve got five seconds to solve.

Evie: Oh. Mama. Mama said… Mama. Mama whale. Mama can… Mama did a… Mama will…

[buzzer sound]

Dan Smatter: I’m sorry Evie. It’s not that. It’s not anything mamma. Troy, you’re up?

Troy: Okay. It’s not Hotel California is it?

[It’s right answer.]

Dan Smatter: Wow. Alright. Troy, I thought you were gonna get another letter but you went and solved the whole thing. How do you do that?

Troy: Well…

Beth: Yeah. How did you do that?

Troy: Well, you said it was a song and Hotel California is a song. So I thought maybe it was Hotel California.

Dan Smatter: Well, you’ve banked $1,000. Here’s our next puzzle. The category is books. And we’ll start with Beth.

Beth: Okay, I got a lot of letters going through my mind right now. Trying to think of a common one. How about X?

[wrong answer buzzer]

Dan Smatter: Sorry Beth, but there’s no X.

Beth: Yes there is, I see one right there. [pointing at a cross on the screen]

Dan Smatter: Oh, that just comes up when you make a wrong guess. That is a little confusing. Evie, you’re up.

Evie: Okay, I’m not ready use my B just yet. But is there a C?

Dan Smatter: There’s one scene. You’ve got five seconds.

Evie: Okay. Mama won’t… Daddy. Daddy will? Daddy mama did?

[buzzer]

Dan Smatter: Sorry Evie, time’s up.

Evie: I was so close.

Dan Smatter: Not even in the ballpark. Troy?

Troy: Is it ‘All the lights We Cannot See’ by Anthony Doerr?

Dan Smatter: Amazing. Are you a book lover, Troy?

Troy: No, actually, I haven’t done that yet.

Dan Smatter: Write a book?

Troy: It’s on my list.

Beth: Okay, something’s not right here.

Dan Smatter: You’re right. We need a new puzzle because Troy’s on a roll, and Troy, your category is famous quotes.

Troy: Well, my favorite letter is B because I’m a bad one.

Evie: What’s?

Troy: So I’m gonna say B.

Dan Smatter: Five seconds.

Troy: Wow, I’m completely stumped. Yeah, I have no idea. My mind is a total blank. I give up.

[Right answer bell. The answer is actually what he just said.]

Dan Smatter: Oh my God. That’s right.

Beth: What? That is not a famous quote.

Dan Smatter: Yes, it is. It says here Benjamin Franklin said it when he was trying to think of the light bulb.

Beth: Okay, well, that’s not right. And he’s cheating. He’s got a device in his ass like that chess player.

Troy: No, I don’t.

Dan Smatter: Okay, okay. We have time for one more category which is medicine. Like to guess, Beth? Or would you rather come play?

Beth: Fine, I’ll play. And I gotta go with my gut, X.

Dan Smatter: There’s no X.

Beth: Yes there is. [pointing at the cross on screen]

Dan Smatter: No there isn’t. Troy. The categories medicine.

Troy: Oh, well, I don’t know anything about that. Is it Ellen Pompeo feel super happy after Grey’s Anatomy exit? [It’s the right answer]

Beth: Okay, no. He is definitely cheating and there’s an ‘X’ in that.

Dan Smatter: What? Oh yeah. Sorry. Who cares? Well, we’ll be right back with more Phrase that Pays.

Trump NFT Cold Open

Donald Trump… James Austin Johnson

Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day

Kimberly Guilfoyle… Cecily Strong

[Starts with a video message]

Male voice: And now, just in time for the holidays, a very special Christmas announcement from the one person who can truly remind us what this season is all about.

[Cut to a picture of Donald Trump as a super hero with laser beam coming out of his eyes]

[Cut to Donald Trump at his house]

[cheers and applause]

Donald Trump: Hello, this is Donald Trump. Hopefully your favorite president of all time, better than Lincoln, better than Washington, frankly better than Ezra. You may have seen this week I made a major announcement. I’m doing my first official collection of Donald J. Trump digital trading cards. If you want use the technical term, nifties. [It’s written “NFT’s” on the screen] We call them nifties is because it’s so neat. They feature incredible artwork pertaining to my life and my career. For example, when I was an astronaut, or me riding a big elephant. Trump cards are each $99. Seems like a lot, seems like a scam. And in many ways it is. But we love the drop cards. We just love them.

You can also get them for free by just going online and looking at them. Maybe. I don’t know. Maybe taking a screenshot. But we’d really prefer it if you sent that $99. You’ll get me as a cowboy. Or me melting Biden’s ice cream with my big laser eyes. It sure sounds a lot like Pokemon, but trust me, it’s not Pokemon. I mean absolutely no disrespect to my very good friends Richu, Marill, Nidoran male and Nidoran female. Now I know what you’re wondering – Can they fight? The answer is yes. Who will win between Trump crossing the Delaware and Trump being matrix.

And the best part is each card comes with an automatic chance to win an exclusive mystery prize where you get to pick anything out of this nice box.

[Donald Trump shows a box where there are confidential documents]

Now remember, when you buy a card you don’t get to pick which one you’ll get. It might be me on the cover of a romance novel. Or me doing splits. Me doing Titanic. Or even me as Jessica Rabbit. Wow. Look at the legs on her. Perhaps I would be dating her if she weren’t me. Now, to help me say more, here’s my third least embarrassing child.

[Donald Trump Jr. walks in]

Donald Trump Jr.: Ha-ha-ha. Very funny dad. And so good to be here for the launch of this amazing, totally legit product. These cards are fantastic. And a steal. And I know what you’re thinking, “$99? You can get two grams for that.” While I’m here I also wanted to share I’m selling a new Christmas CD from my fiance, Kimberly Guilfoyle. Hey babe, get that fine little butt out here.

[Kimberly Guilfoyle walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Whooo. Look at that. Whoa!

Kimberly Guilfoyle: Thank you. And I know you’re gonna love this Christmas album that I’m calling ‘Now that’s what no one calls music’. I guarantee you’ll [yelling] sleep in heavenly peace.

Donald Trump: Beautiful. Thank you.

[Donald Trump Jr. and Kimberly Guilfoyle walk out]

There they go. What a terrible couple. So get your Trump digital trading cards today. They should be at the top of everyone’s Christmas list, really. You know what? Can we pull up my Christmas list? Let’s do it rundown style. Merry Christmas. Okay, we’re all saying Merry Christmas again. Right? I brought that back because Christmas is very important to Christians and to Jewish I think also. Your hearing Merry Christmas a lot more lately just like in Christmas Carol. I was visited last night by three ghosts last night including, I think… You know what? Actually you know what? It was four if you include Epstein, but it’s Christmas all over. With tree and toy and Santa. We love Santa though. We folks, we love Santa. But not Ron DeSanta. We don’t like this Santa so much. I mean that guy looks like a Roblox. And he’s not even much of a Santa, is he? He’s more of a Grinch. And Grinch was very bad when he stole Christmas. But I got it back. I brokered a historic deal with Grinch and Netanyahu. Man, we decided that no Christmas would ever be stolen again. Like how the whites tried to steal the Unobtanium in Avatar but the Navi fought back. They fought back so good. And now you look at Sam Worthington. He’s a great father. Now he’s got four blue kids now. You know, I’ve got four kids too. Five of you include Tiffany. But he’s a great NaVi dad. So in conclusion, Feliz Navidad. Merry Christmas and live from New York, it’s  Saturday night.

The Holiday Train

James Austin Johnson

Steve Martin

Martin Short

Cecily Strong

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with people traveling inside a train]

james: Final boarding for whatever the stop is before you get to Buffalo.

Steve: I have heard so much about Buffalo, I can hardly wait to get there.

Cecily: Wow. A real Christmas in Buffalo. It’s finally happening.

Martin: Just like dear old Pepoo and Moomoo used to talk about.

Cecily: They’d be so proud of us.

Steve: Well, minus some of the stuff we’ve done.

Kenan: Well, I’m glad I sat with you three. You seem like a fun group.

Steve: You know what? We are fun. Thank you for noticing that.

Martin: Where are you heading, mister. Are you going to Buffalo too? Or Buffalo three? That’s my buffalo joke that I do often.

Kenan: No, I’m just hanging there on business. The only reason anyone would want to go to Buffalo.

Cecily: Only reason? But it’s the best place to see it.

Kenan: See what?

Martin: Are you messing with us? Snow of course.

Cecily, Steve and Martin: [singing] Snow, snow, snow

Martin: It won’t be long before we’ll be there with snow

Cecily: Snow, I want to wash my hands my hair
and ass with snow

Kenan: Oh, wow. That sounds cold. You must really like snow.

Steve: We don’t know, sir. We’ve never seen it. Not in person anyway.

Snow, I want to go outside and talk to bunch of snow

Cecily: Snow, to kiss a great big man entirely made of snow

Martin: Just kiss? You know you never just kiss.

Cecily: Okay. Yeah, maybe more. I’m just so excited for snow. If I close my eyes. I feel like I can almost see it

[They all stand and dance. The train set changes to a snowing montain.]

All: Where it’s snowing? Oh winter crew
what’s where I want to be
Steve: Snowball eating, that’s what I’ll do

Kenan: Eating?

Martin: Oh, I’m going to sleep all night in the snow.

Kenan: Sleep in the snow? Are you crazy?

Steve: For snow.

Kenan: Now I’m excited for snow.

What is Christmas with no Snow?

Martin: No white Christmas with no snow

All: Snow

Cecily: I’ll wash my hair with snow

Kenan: Why not?

Steve: Fill my underwear with snow

Kenan: If that’s your thing.

Martin: And when I see the snow
I’m gonna know is snow

Kenan: I would hope so.

All: Snow.

Kenan: So you really never seen snow? Where are you from?

Martin: The woods.

Kenan: The woods?

Cecily: Yes.

Kenan: Isn’t there snow there?

Cecily: Oh, tons. But we always sleep through it.

Steve: Otherwise we wouldn’t survive the winter.

Martin: No. Don’t worry about that. That’s why we have all these nuts with us.

Kenan: Oh wow. Nuts?

Cecily: [yelling] Those are ours!

Kenan: Okay. Sorry. Listen, it’s getting late.

I’d love to stay up late with you,
but like to get some
should I go to sleep?
And dream…

[The train background set comes back in]

All: Of snow, snow, snow, snow.

[train bell ringing]

Cecily: Well, that song made me sleepy. You know the rules.

Martin: But if you fall asleep, we break the spell.

Kenan: What’s spell?

Steve: Oh, that we won’t get our Christmas wish. Oh brother.

Kenan: What wish?

James: Aw, I was really hoping they’d make it this time. Those bears make the same Christmas wish every year to turn into humans and ride the train to Buffalo to see snow. But they always fall asleep and Hibernate.

[Kenan is now sitting with three big bears]

Kenan: Bears? What are you talking…? Hey, wake up. It’s snowing outside.

James: Shush. Don’t wake them up. Are you insane? They’ll kill us. They’re bears.

Kenan: Oh. Good point. Well, Merry Christmas bears. [sees nuts] Oh nuts.

Bear: Those are ours!

Herschel Walker Cold Open

Mitch McConnell… James Austin Johnson

John Cornyn… Mikey Day

Marsha Blackburn… Cecily Strong

Herschel Walker… Kenan Thompson

[starts with Mitch McConnell, John Cornyn and Marsha Blackburn having a meeting]

Mitch McConnell: Well Senator, Republicans face an uphill battle on Tuesday.

John Cornyn: I know. Obama was just in Georgia campaigning for the other guy.

Marsha Blackburn: Did you see it? It was like a comedy central roast up there.

Mitch McConnell: I figured guy could use some help. Send him in. Herschel Walker!

[Herschel Walker walks in]

Herschel Walker: Hey there. Mitch McDonald’s. I’m sorry I’m late. I was having too much fun in a free merry go round y’all got out front.

Mitch: That’s a revolving door, Herschel. Have a seat.

John Cornyn: Great job on your campaign. Hershel.

Marsha Blackburn: Yes, excellent.

Mitch McConnell: You remember, former majority whip Senator John Cornyn?

Herschel Walker: No.

Mitch McConnell: Of course, Marsha Blackburn. senator from Tennessee.

Herschel Walker: Oh, Your Highness.

Mkey: Well, Herschel, the midterms wasn’t the red wave we hoped for but we think you can win this Tuesday.

Marsha Blackburn: Yes. The priority now is to get out the vote because you got this big runoff coming up.

Herschel Walker: Oh, well, I’m good at those. My ex wife said all I do is run off.

John Cornyn: No, Herschel, the Georgia run off. The polls show it’s very close.

Herschel Walker: Oh, how close?

Marsha Blackburn: Oh, so close, Herschel. Warnock is polling at 50.9%. You are polling at 49.1.

Herschel Walker: Well, then the first priority is to figure out which number is bigger.

Mitch McConnell: Well, the election is this Tuesday, they’ve already started counting votes by mail.

Herschel Walker: Right. But you gotta remember, they still got to count votes by female.

John Cornyn: Sure, but we wanted to talk to you because this runoff is really important, Herschel. We could really use a win right now.

Herschel Walker: Well, you can count on me. I came to two S and kicked bubble gum, and I’m all out a gubble bum.

Mitch McConnell: There’s already three days left. We want to be really careful. And you’ve had some scandals already. Is there anything else we should know in the final stretch?

Herschel Walker: What do you mean?

Marsha Blackburn: Like bad things from your past that maybe people don’t know yet?

Herschel Walker: Oh, yes, definitely. Yes. So many.

Marsha Blackburn: Well, I hate to ask, but can you tell us some of them?

Herschel Walker: Let me see, where do I start? Okay, so there’s this pretty lady that works at the McDonald’s. Right? So I went down there… [the clock’s shows one hour has passed] Anyway, she didn’t want to keep it so I drove it down to the planned Parent Trap.

Marsha Blackburn: Wow, that’s a lot.

Mitch McConnell: I’m gonna be honest. For sure. This might be tough.

Herschel Walker: Oh, don’t worry. I’m feeling very confident about this erection.

John Cornyn: Don’t you mean election?

Herschel Walker: I do not.

Marsha Blackburn: Maybe in the final push, let’s lay low and focus on the message.

Herschel Walker: Exactly. Just like Kanye.

Marsha Blackburn: No, no. On the issues people care about. Inflation, crime…

Herschel Walker: Vampires, werewolves. They’re scary little GEICO Gecko. We’re gonna be looking into all of that.

Marsha Blackburn: Right? So maybe less of that. Or even better, none of that.

Herschel Walker: Really? Because that’s like 90% of my next speech.

Mitch McConnell: Right. Herschel, can we have a moment alone?

Herschel Walker: Oh, sure. You can toss a blanket right over me and I fall asleep like a parakeet.

Marsha Blackburn: Okay. Well, that sounds great. [Marsha Blackburn puts a blanket on Herschel Walker] Night, night.

[Herschel Walker is snoring]

John Cornyn: Well done. So just to be clear, our last hope to win this year is Herschel Walker?

Marsha Blackburn: Yeah, so plan B.

Mitch McConnell: I don’t think we have no choice.

[Marsha Blackburn pulls out the blanket]

Herschel Walker: [talking in sleep] Come on, girl. Don’t take that name for no Big Mac. [wakes up] Oh, I’m sorry.

Mitch McConnell: Hershel, get up. I’m gonna show you something very exciting.

Herschel Walker: Oh, yeah, sure.

Mitch McConnell: Why don’t you take a look up in there?

[Mitch McConnell opens a hugs door size safe]

Herschel Walker: Oh, wow. Look, there’s a little room.

Mitch McConnell: That’s right. It used to be my panic room. Now. It’s all yours just till Election Day.

Herschel Walker: Well, wait, why am I already in there?

Mitch McConnell: Oh, that’s a mirror Herschel. Go on ahead. We got everything you need in there. Get in there.

Herschel Walker: Look at that. They got Lunchables in here and everything.

[Herschel Walker walks in and Mitch McConnell shuts the door]

Mitch McConnell: it’s only for a few days. And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.