Tag: Mikey Day

Weekend Update- The Duncans on the Kama Sutra

Michael Che

Greg Duncan… Mikey Day

Shelly Duncan… Leslie Jones

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Experts are now saying that one of the keys to a long healthy marriage is to make sure a couples keep their sex lives fresh and exciting. Here to share their experience with the Kama Sutra is a mad couple who tried every position in the book, the Duncans.

[Greg Duncan and Shelly Duncan slide in. Greg Duncan has black eye, face bruises and swollen lips. He is also wearing the neck support.]

Greg Duncan: Hello, Michael.

Shelly Duncan: Thank you for having us.

Greg Duncan: Thank you.

Michael Che: So, you two really tried every position in the Kama Sutra?

Greg Duncan: Um-hmm.

Shelly Duncan: Oh boy, I’m blushing, but yes. I have to say it really spiced things up. I’m more attracted to Greg than ever.

Greg Duncan: Oh, and the doctors say I will make a full recovery. But Michael, before couples attempt the Kama Sutra, they need to make sure they’re on the same page.

Michael Che: Oh, right. Like discuss what they’re both comfortable with.

Greg Duncan: Um-hmm. Yes. But also that they’re on the same page of the actual book. My wife like to skip ahead

Shelly Duncan: What? I got excited.

Greg Duncan: Yeah. At one point I was on page six trying a position called “beginner’s blossom”, but she had skipped ahead to– what was the name of it?

Shelly Duncan: Broken donkey.

Greg Duncan: Broken donkey. And in that one, I was the broken donkey. You’re shy. She’s shy.

Shelly Duncan: But we were so inspired by the book that we came up with some new positions all on our own. And we think that other couples might enjoy them.

Greg Duncan: Yes. Um, now, this one, Shelly enjoyed quite a bit. But it wasn’t my favorite. [Greg Duncan shows a picture of sex position] It’s called “You’re a chair now.” As you can see, the blue is the male and the pink is the female. She is a shy one today.

Shelly Duncan: I’m too shy to go into details but ladies, this one hits all the right spots.

Greg Duncan: Yeah. And all honesty, I had passed out during this one. Um, but Shelly tells me that I loved it. But gentlemen, if you do attempt “You’re a chair now”, insist your wife is barefoot and not wearing her sexy high heels.

Shelly Duncan: Oh, you love high heels.

Greg Duncan: I do love them.

Michael Che: Yes. That looks very painful. You’re a brave man.

Greg Duncan: Well, I have no choice. Another one of Shelly’s creations, she calls it “You my basketball”. [Greg Duncan shows a picture of sex position] It’s exactly what it sounds like.

Shelly Duncan: And ladies, word to the wise, use two hands if you want to dribble your husband.

Greg Duncan: Yes. Absolutely. Or, don’t dribble your husband. It’s up to you. Now, this next position is named after what my wife said while we were doing it.

Shelly Duncan: “Stop whining sandwich boy!”

Greg Duncan: She did her voice. That’s what she does in the bedroom. So the male is the meat and the mattress and the bed spring or in our case, a mattress and wooden bed slats are the bread.

Michael Che: Yeah. It sounds like Shelly made up most of the positions, Greg. Did you come up with any for yourself?

Greg Duncan: I did. This was my favorite. I called this one “Where are you hiding? I’m not done.” Again, based on what my wife was saying.

Shelly Duncan: I did not say that.

Greg Duncan: You did. You get in the zone. You don’t know what you’re saying.

Michael Che: Well, thank you guys for coming. Any final tips for our viewers?

Shelly Duncan: Yes. Be creative. Be open. And stretch.

Greg Duncan: Yes. And also, make sure your insurance plan covers something called consensual intimate trauma.

Michael Che: The Duncans, everybody! For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Return Counter

Mikey Day

Luke Null

Kyle Mooney

Kenan Thompson

Leslie Jones

Saoirse Ronan

Chris Redd

Aidy Bryant

Cecily Strong

Pete Davidson

Heidi Gardner

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with some people in line at a mart’s return/exchange counter]

Mikey: Sir, I’m sorry, but we cannot accept any returns or exchanges without a receipt. Our store policy, man.

Luke: Man, that’s such a bull-crap. I’m sopping at Walmart from now on. That’s a better mart.

[Luke walks out]

Mikey: Okay, sir. You’re free to do that. Next in line, return or exchange?

Kyle: I’d like to return these [in loud voice] magnum condoms. Guys like me need bigger condoms. Do you see a bigger size?

Mikey: I don’t think so, man.

Kyle: [in loud voice] Dang, so the biggest condoms you sell are too small for me? I guess I’ll just have to go online to a bot guy website and see if I can find some there.

[Kyle walks out]

Mikey: Okay. Good luck with that. Next.

[Kenan walks front]

Kenan: Well, I hope that you have had a good life. You people have sold me a woman’s hand muff. Now that you’ve had your fun, kindly point me towards the men’s muff section please.

Mikey: Yeah, I don’t think we have those, sir.

Kenan: Oh, so you’re all sold out? Perfect!

[Kenan walks out]

Mikey: Hello.

[Leslie storms in]

Leslie: These diapers leak. Not to mention, my baby looks ridiculous in them.

Mikey: Um, these are adult diapers, ma’am.

Leslie: Man, what the kind of hell of an adult be dooking in his pants?

Mikey: I think when some people get older, it just happens. Either way, I’ll give you store credit, okay ma’am?

[Mikey hands Leslie over a paper. Leslie takes is angrily.]

Next please.

[Saoirse and Chris walk in]

Saoirse: Hi. I bought my boyfriend this men’s cologne because I thought he was a man. But he’s actually a bitch on the rags, so I’d like to exchange it for these tampons.

Mikey: Alright.

Chris: Babe, why are you doing this?

Saoirse: Because the man protects his woman.

Chris: Babe, a drunk guy spilled a drink on your shoe, I’m not gonna kick his ass for that.

Saoirse: Right, yeah. Because you’re a little girl who needs her tampons.

Mikey: [passing the tampons] Okay, you guys are all set.

Saoirse: Great, thanks. [to Chris] I’m leaving. Don’t follow me. [Saoirse walks away while Chris just looks around] [yelling] Are you coming?

Chris: Yes! I don’t know what to do, man!

[Saoirse and Chris leave]

Mikey: Next, ma’am. Hello.

[Aidy walks in. He has a parrot on her shoulder and it has pooped all over her shoulder.]

Aidy: Hello. I will not go into detail, but let’s just say that the brand of bird seed doesn’t agree with my parrot’s stomach.

Mikey: Yeah. I can see that. I can give you store credit.

Aidy: Okay. Wonderful. And can you just point me in the direction of women’s shirts, carpet cleaner and I guess, unfortunately, mouth wash.

Mikey: Oh, they’re all out in the store, ma’am. Thank you. Next.

[Aidy walks out. Cecily walks in taking a selfie video.]

Cecily: Okay, Facebook live.

Mikey: No, don’t.

Cecily: Get ready to watch a customer begging out her right.

Mikey: Ma’am. Stop doing–

Cecily: What? What? Can I talk?

Mikey: Can you just stop?

Cecily: Can I talk? Oh, can I talk?

Mikey: You come in here a lot.

Cecily: Coz y’all told me to test it, right? Watch, does this say goodbye to stains?

[Cecily opens a pan and tries to cover her shirt stain writing on it]

Look, stain. I’m stain. It ain’t doing nothing. Stain.

Mikey: You can’t rub it on mustard.

Cecily: And y’all trynna’ charge me $100?

Mikey: No, it didn’t cost $100.

Cecily: Oh, he calling me a liar. Facebook live. Say it again. It’s on Facebook live.

Mikey: No, I’m not calling you a liar.

Cecily: You know what? That’s racial discrimination. Find this man.

Mikey: Racial? You’re white!

Cecily: You don’t know that. Find this man! You going viral! You going– He going– You going viral!

[Cecily leaves]

Mikey: Okay. I’m not going viral. Next.

[Pete and Heidi walk in. Heidi has pregnant belly.]

Pete: Yo! These pregnancy test don’t work, man!

Mikey: Okay. Did you read the instructions?

Pete: Dude, yes. I’m not stupid. I read the instructions. I took it out, I peed on it, I waited 15 minutes and nothing happened.

Mikey: Oh wait, dude, you peed on it? No, she got to pee on it, man.

Heidi: I freaking told you, you freaking idiot! Now we’ll never know.

[Pete and Heidi storm out]

Mikey: [looking at Heidi’s belly.] Yeah. She’s pregnant, man. Um, you’re next.

[Cut to Kate at the doorway. She is an old lady on automated wheelchair.]

Kate: These jeans are too baggy. I look like an urban in them.

Mikey: Alright, can you just come up a little closer?

Kate: You’re the boss.

[Kate moves forward on her wheelchair and hits Mikey’s counter. Wheelchair’s airbag is triggered.]

Mikey: You did it again.

[Cecily walks in again taking selfie video]

Cecily: Oh, watch! Watch! Facebook live, he just killed that old lady. Y’all can see that? You’re going viral!

Mikey: No, I didn’t.

Cecily: He’s going viral.

Mikey: She’s not dead.

New Student

Mr. Nicetro… Kenan Thompson

Broady… Luke Null

Jacquelin… Saoirse Ronan

Aaron… Mikey Day

Randy… Kyle Mooney

Pete Davidson

William… Chris Redd

Janitor… Alex Moffat

Linch… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Mr. Nicetro speaking to the students]

Mr. Nicetro: Okay, class, before we dive into the unit review, I have cue the growns, rule breaks for midterm exam.

Students: Aw!

Mr. Nicetro: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I know. Get it out now. Alright, first–

[New guy walks in]

New guy: Mr. C. Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my alarm clock. [throws his back pack to his classmate] Hold my back pack. [walks to Jacquelin] Mr. C, Kelly’s a thief. She stole my breath away.

Jacquelin: Go away.

New guy: Ha-ha. Ouch, that hurt my feelings. But you can make it up to me by taking me to the movie on Friday.

Jacquelin: No, for real. Just get out of my space.

New guy: Alright, cool. Turning me down. Must be lesbian.

[New guy lights up a cigarette] Hold this. [passes the cigarette to Brad] Oh, my god! Brad, is that a cigarette? [takes a puff] It is! It is a cigarette. Shame on you, Brad. I’ll take care of this, Mr. C. He’s a jerk.

[New guy looks at Randy] Oh, Finkle Stein. Let me have your yamaka-dot-kamaka. Mr. C, don’t give me any homework this week. It’s Rashishanika. Salam. [

New guy runs to Pete] Nerd-le-Stein. Nerd-le-dean. [grabs Pete’s lunch bag] Oh, what do we got here? A little bit of egg salad. Very good. I’ll do you a favor and throw that into trach.

[New guy reaches to William] Yo, yo, yo. What’s going on, my dude? What’s good? Oh, nice kicks! Damn, Jina!

[Janitor walks in]

Janitor: Bad time to get the trash?

New guy: Oh, it’s the Janitor. Question, is the first thing your wife says when you get home? You smell? Or you smell terrible? I’m kidding with ya. Now, Mr. C, enough foreplay. What do you say, we learn a little English lit?

[New guy takes his seat. He puts his feet on the table.]

[Mr. Nicetro walks to New guy]

Mr. Nicetro: Shut up and get your feet out of the table.

New guy: Yes, sir.

Mr. Nicetro: Young man, in my 38 years as an educator, I have never seen anything as misguided and brazen as your behavior these last three minutes. Specially seeing as you are new here. And it is your first day at this school. None of us have ever met you. My name by the way is Mr. Nicetro. Not Mr. C. And the names you called them aren’t them either. Furthermore, this is an algebra 2 class, not English lit.

New guy: Oh, I’m sorry I had– I just wanted to make a splash.

Mr. Nicetro: Well, it was a belly flop. I think you owe everybody here an apology starting with the young lady you drooled over like a pig.

New guy: I’m sorry, Kelly.

Jacquelin: My name’s Jacquelin. And you’re right, I am a lesbian. It was really hard for me to come out. But you know, thinking about dating a guy like you makes me really glad I did.

William: My name is William, man! Not Lil D. Man, you said, “Yo, yo, yo,” I’m like, “Is this guy racist?” And then by “Damn Jina,” I was like, “Yeah.”

New guy: I’m sorry again. I just wanted to make the splash.

Aaron: Cool man. Hey, my name is Aaron. You called me Brad. I’m allergic to smokes. So I had to stick epipen into my leg after our interaction. So, thank you for that.

New guy: Oh, really. Dang!

Randy: For future reference, my name is Randy Goodman. Not Finkle Stein. And it’s Yamaka, not yamaka-dot-kamaka.

New guy: I was just trying to make everyone laugh. Also, I’m really sorry for whoever’s lunch I threw in the trash.

Pete: Oh, no worries, man. It’s not like I have a stomach issue and everything in that lunch was carefully picked out by a dietician. Killer joke!

Janitor: And that leaves me. I’m sorry your work isn’t up to your standards. And if you wanna let my wife know how bad I smell, she’s easy– She’s easy to find. Plot 199-J at New Haven cemetary.

[Janitor walks out staring at New guy]

Mr. Nicetro: Well, young man, today was not your day. But, perhaps, you’ll be able to move pass this socially. Now, what is your name?

New guy: Broady Cho.

[Jacquelin starts laughing]

Mr. Nicetro: Nope! Never mind. You’re doomed!

[Linch walks in. He is wearing a leather jacket.]

Linch: Oh, you’re starting without me?

Mr. Nicetro: Oh, Mr. Linch. How nice for you to join us.

Linch: Yeah, I’m sorry Mr. Nicetrum. You know, I lost track of time when I was writing in my diary about how much I love this class.

[Everybody cheers]

Mr. Nicetro: B! See Mr. Cho, that’s how it’s done. Come on, get in.

Floribama Shore

Kyler… Mikey Day

Trish… Saoirse Ronan

Pontoon… Luke Null

Epcot… Heidi Gardner

Quartney… Aidy Bryant

Justin… Chris Redd

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: From the creators of Jersey Shore, MTV’s hot new show “Floribama Shore” brings the party to the Gold Coast. The co-eds are hot, the parties are jumping and it was all filmed in the middle of Hurricane Irma.

[Cut to Kyler.]

Kyler narrating: Sup? My name’s Kyler and I’m a piece of [bleep].

[Cut to Trish]

Trish narrating: My mama didn’t raise me to be afraid of no storm. She raised me to be a fearless Christian sex addict with gum diseases that you ain’t even heard of, player!

[Cut to Pontoon]

Pontoon narrating: Sup, y’all? My name’s Pontoon. And I used to carry around my dad’s ashes until I let go of him on a roller coaster. Oh-Wa-ah-ah-ah!

[Cut to Epcot]

Epcot narrating: My name’s Epcot. I was born in the Chinese part of Epcot center. My favorite food is gum.

[Cut to Quartney]

Quartney narrating: What’s up, weiners? My name’s Quartney with a Quart. I’mma freaking the sheets in the Benghazi. Truth are in the streets.

[Cut to Justin]

Justin narrating: Wait a minute, there’s a hurricane coming? We need to go, y’all!

[Cut to clips of people partying]

Male voice: A party’s brewing down south y’all. And there’s a 90% chance of drama.

[Cut to everyone chilling. Quartney walks in with cocktails.]

Quartney: Hurricanes for the hurricane, y’all!

[Cut to Epcot]

Epcot narrating: Hurricanes? Her a bitch!

[Cut to Epcot trashing Quartney’s cocktails]

Epcot: You’ve been getting on my damn nerves ever since we got to this house.

Quartney: You can’t talk to me like that!

Epcot: Oh, what are you going to do about it? Cry to you daddy?

Quartney: You don’t know my daddy.

Epcot: You don’t know… my daddy!

Epcot and Quartney: My daddy’s Hulk Hogan!

[Epcot and Quartney look at each other being emotional for some time, and then hug each other crying.]

[Cut to Epcot and Quartney]

Quartney narrating: Hogan sisters reunited.

Epcot narrating: Have you ever met him?

Quartney narrating: No, I want to, though.

[Cut to Pontoon]

Pontoon narrating: At this point, seems like everybody in the house is coupled up. Trish is with Kyler. Epcot is with Kyler. And Quartney, I believe, is with Kyler. Justin’s freaking out coz his wife’s not answering the phone.

[Cut to Justin]

Justin narrating: Sharon, call me.

[Cut to Pontoon]

Pontoon narrating: But I’m not worried, y’all, because Trish said that she’d bang me… after Kyler.

[Cut to everyone praying at the table]

Male voice: Despite everything, this house is all about the love.

Trish: Guys, I think staying in here through the hurricane was the best decision we ever made.

Quartney: Yeah! Otherwise, I would have never met my long lost sister.

Pontoon: We’re falling in love. Y’all, this hurricane has taught me something important. When you find someone you love, never let em go. Trish, will you marry me?

[a ‘STOP’ sign board flies in breaking window and cuts Pontoon through his stomach. Everyone is panicking.]

Male voice: “Floribama Shore,” why do you make us do this?

American Girl Store

Jack Trask… Beck Bennett

Beth Runyon… Cecily Strong

Ben Hartley… Kenan Thompson

Thomas Dean… Mikey Day

Debbie Pritchard… Saoirse Ronan

Karen Kellers… Leslie Jones

Becca Simms… Heidi Gardner

Security… Alex Moffatt

[Starts with Action News 9 At Five intro]

Male voice: Action News 9, News At Five, Eye on Phoenix.

[Cut to Jack Trask and Beth Runyon in their news set]

Jack Trask: Good evening, I’m Jack Trask.

Beth Runyon: And I’m Beth Runyon. Out top story, chaos at the Canyon Gallery at a shopping center today as an underground gas main exploded giving shoppers at the American Girl store quite a scare. Luckily, no one was seriously hurt.

Jack Trask: Action 9’s Ben Hartley is live at the Canyon Gallery in downtown Phoenix. [Cut to Ben Hartley] Ben, quite a scene down there today.

Ben Hartley: You can say that again, Jack. I’m joined by Thomas Dean and Debbie Pritchard. Two customers who were inside the American Girl store when the explosion happened. My first question, obviously, are you children okay?

Debbie Pritchard: Um, yes, my daughter’s fine. She’s in the car with her dad.

Ben Hartley: And you, Mr. Dean?

Thomas Dean: Um, I don’t have children. I had just briefly popped in to the American Girl store to buy a doll for someone else. It was not for me. It was a gift.

[Ben Hartley looks at Thomas Dean awkwardly]

Ben Hartley: Okay. Um, was there any warning? Was there any warning right before the explosion happened? What happened?

Debbie Pritchard: Oh. Well, I was in line behind Mr. Dean who was buying his doll.

Thomas Dean: [interrupting] As a gift.

Debbie Pritchard: And he was arguing with the sales person saying his doll’s hairstyle looks sort of sloppy and not of the period.

Thomas Dean: [interrupting] Yeah, and then the explosion happened. It was just like a boom!

Debbie Pritchard: Yes! Exactly. And I actually need to thank Mr. Dean because my last thought before the explosion was, you know, “This grown man is alone in a doll store screaming about his doll’s hairstyle.”

Thomas Dean: [interrupting] I barely raised my voice. I wasn’t screaming.

Debbie Pritchard: And I thought it was weird.

Thomas Dean: [interrupting] Not if it’s a gift, though. Not if it’s a gift.

Debbie Pritchard: And I sort of instinctively hugged my daughter closer to me to protect her. And that actually saved her from some of the falling glass.

Ben Hartley: Wow! [looking at Thomas Dean] Well, thank god you were obsessed with your doll’s hairstyle, sir.

Thomas Dean: No. It was more that it was messy. Upper class girls in the 1920s were very put together. So I’m told. I was buying a gift. It was just so chaotic.

Ben Hartley: Yeah. I bet. Um, Jack and Beth, can you believe what you’re hearing?

[Cut to Jack Trask and Beth Runyon]

Jack Trask: No. I mean, it’s definitely his doll, right?

Beth Runyon: Jack! We’re joined now by representative of Canyon Rock gas, Karen Kellers. [Cut to split screen with Beth Runyon and Karen Kellers] Thanks for speaking with us, Ms. Kellers.

Karen Kellers: My pleasure.

Beth Runyon: Now, should residents be concerned by this?

Karen Kellers: There’s no reason to panic. Just because a grown man collects dolls, it doesn’t mean he a predator.

Beth Runyon: Um, Ms. Kellers, I’m sorry if I wasn’t clear. I was referring to the gas main explosion.

Karen Kellers: Oh, yes. That’s very bad.

Beth Runyon: Well, okay. Thank you, Ms. Kellers.

[Cut to Jack Trask]

Jack Trask: Let’s check back in with Ben down at the scene. Ben?

[Cut to Ben Hartley. He is with Becca Simms.]

Ben Hartley: Yeah, Jack, Beth, I’m here with another eye witness, Ms. Becca Simms, an employee at the American Girl store. Can you tell us what happened?

Becca Simms: Yes. I work in the cafe where the doll owners can eat with their dolls. I was setting up a table for the gentleman you were just speaking with earlier, Mr. Dean and his doll, Christine Somersby.

[Thomas Dean runs in interrupting]

Thomas Dean: That wasn’t me. It was someone else.

[Thomas Dean runs out]

Becca Simms: No, no. It was him. He handed me a $20 bill and said, “Give us a table with a view. Christian’s new money. Not Trolly Trash.”

[Thomas Dean runs in interrupting]

Thomas Dean: Then the explosion happened. Just like, “Boom.” Do you remember the explosion?

Ben Hartley: Yeah, can you explain that?

Thomas Dean: Oh! It was just like a loud “Boom” of no where.

Ben Hartley: No, the phrase ‘Trolly Trash.’

Thomas Dean: Oh! Um, in the 1920s in Christian’s era, prostitutes would look for customers on trollies. So I’m told. It’s just a gift. Oh my god! This looks crazy!

Ben Hartley: Alright, Beth, Jack, I’m seeing an emergency service worker here. [Ben Hartley walks to Security] Sir, can you tell us about the situation inside the store?

Security: Um, sure. I mean, luckily, we have no injuries except for this little lady we found on the ground. [Security shows a doll]

[Thomas Dean runs in]

Thomas Dean: She’s gonna be on TV. She might as well have a hat.

[Thomas Dean puts a hat on the doll and runs out.]

It’s a gift.

Security: Uh-huh. But the structural damage is extensive. Right now, it looks like the American Girl store is gonna be closed for eight months.

[Thomas Dean runs in again]

Thomas Dean: Does that include a salon in the second floor?

Security: Whole building.

Thomas Dean: Ah!

[Thomas Dean walks out]

Ben Hartley: Well, thank you for talking with us. Jack, Beth, back to you in the studio.

[Cut to Jack Trask and Beth Runyon]

Beth Runyon: Well, quite an ordeal for those customers down there.

Jack Trask: Oh, he’ll be fine. There’s another American Girl store in Tempi.

Beth Runyon: Jack! We’ll be right back.

WikiLeaks Cold Open

Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day

Eric… Alex Moffat

Julian Assange… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with introduction video]

Male voice: May 17, 2017, Robert Mueller is appointed special counsel and tasked with the investigation of firing of James Comey and links between the Trump campaign and the Russian government. On covering numerous attempts by Wikileaks master mind, Julian Assange, to influence the outcome of the American election via contact with Jared Kushner and other members of the Trump inner circle. The targets pile Manafort, Flynn, Gates, Papadopoulos, possibly leading to the oval office and the president himself. These are The Mueller Files.

The following is the reenactment of events that may have taken place autumn of last year.

[Cut to London.]

[Subtitle- September 20, 2016. Parking garage beneath the Ecudorin Bmbassy, London, England.]

[Cut to Donald Trump Jr. standing alone. Julian Assange walks in]

Donald Trump Jr.: Hello, Mr. Assange, I presume.

Julian Assange: Good day, Mr. Trump Jr. I am Julian Assange. I appreciate you coming all the way to London to meet face to face.

Donald Trump Jr.: No worries. As secure and off the record as sliding into my twitter DMs, I thought this might be safer.

Julian Assange: I trust you came alone?

Donald Trump Jr.: My brother Eric is waiting in the car. Not to worry. I told him to honk the horn if he gets scared. Now, Mr. Assange–

[horn honking]

Excuse me for a moment.

[Donald Trump Jr. walks away and walks back with Eric]

Eric will be joining us. Eric, this is Mr. Assange.

Eric: He looks like Draco Malfoy.

Donald Trump Jr.: Eric! That was rude! What did we say about making fun of people’s appearances, bud?

Eric: That’s dad’s thing?

Donald Trump Jr.: Yes.

Julian Assange: The deal was, you come alone.

Donald Trump Jr.: Well, circumstances changed, Assange. Eric’s wife had to work, so I have him for the day.

Julian Assange: How do I know I can trust him?

Donald Trump Jr.: Hm, having Eric here is basically like being alone. Watch. Eric, what’s this man’s name?

Eric: Julliard Massage.

Donald Trump Jr.: And what organization did he found?

Eric: Ricki Lakes.

Donald Trump Jr.: And what does Ricki Lakes do?

[Eric looks around]

Eric: I’m Eric!

Donald Trump Jr.: Dead end. Trust me, your secret is safe with Eric.

Julian Assange: Careful, there’s a car coming. Don’t be seen.

[Donald Trump Jr. and Julian Assange look way. Eric waves his hand to the car.]

Eric: Hi!

Donald Trump Jr.: Alright, that was a little too close for comfort. Let’s get down to business. Mr. Assange, there is something we have been waiting for very long time.

Eric: McDonald’s.

Donald Trump Jr.: Told you, buddy. We are going to go there after this. Alright? I want dirt on Hillary.

Julian Assange: Wow, you’re in luck. Okay? I have some information about Hillary Clinton that might be quite useful to your father’s campaign. How does a treasure trove of Hacked DNC e-mails sound?

[Julian Assange hands an envelope to Donald Trump Jr.]

Donald Trump Jr.: Oh, thank god for wikileaks.

Eric: For shrinky dinks.

Julian Assange: Keep that in a safe place, alright?

Donald Trump Jr.: Oh, I will. [Eric turns around. He is carrying a Minion back-pack. Donald Trump Jr. puts the envelope inside the back-pack.] This bag never leaves Eric’s side.

Julian Assange: Yeah, yeah. Now, if you think you are getting that for free, you are mistaken, okay? I”m not some dumb blonde you can take advantage of.

Eric: But your hair is white!

Donald Trump Jr.: Eric! Come on!

Julian Assange: It’s not white. It’s a platinum bob with a man’s front wisp. And what I want, Mr. Trump Jr., is to be cleared of all espionage charges. That would really save my ass.

[Eric whispers in Donald Trump Jr.’s ear]

Donald Trump Jr.: Eric wants you to know that ass is a bad word. And if you help my father, I’ll help you. He is always loyal to his friends.

Eric: What about Chris Christie?

Donald Trump Jr.: Eric, come on!

Eric: And Rudy Giuliani?

Donald Trump Jr.: No, Eric!

Eric: And mom?

Donald Trump Jr.: Eric, do you want to play with your spinner thing?

[Donald Trump Jr. gives Eric a spinner to play]

Eric: Okay.

Donald Trump Jr.: Got that at the airport. Mr. Assange, I assure you that your efforts will be rewarded. [Eric is just looking at the spinner and he doesn’t know how to play with it.] Eric, buddy, this lights up. That’s it’s whole thing. Look. [Donald Trump Jr. turns the spinner’s light for Eric] Look. There you go, bud. Yes, that’s what it does. [to Julian Assange] My father would never sell you out. Help him now and you will be repaid a thousand fold.

Julian Assange: Okay. Well, I think we are done here then. I look forward to working with you. And when I say you, I do mean you. Not necessarily Eric.

Donald Trump Jr.: Understood. Oh, and Mr. Assange, before we go, there is something Eric and I would like to say. Live–

Eric: Live. [pronouncing it as in living.]

Donald Trump Jr.: It’s not live. It’s live. Live, right? Do you want to try it? Let’s do it.

Donald Trump Jr., Eric and Julian Assange: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Sports Announcer

Dale Worthy… Beck Bennett

Chrissy Smith… Cecily Strong

Laslo Holmes… Chance the Rapper

Skjei… Alex Moffat

Tim Hayward… Mikey Day

[Starts with MSG network intro]

Male voice: You’re watching MSG network, home of the Knicks and Rangers.

[Cut to Dale Worthy and Chrissy Smith in their set]

Dale Worthy: Welcome back, Rangers fans. Dale Worthy here in the booth with Crissy Smith. It’s the end of the second period down on the ice and the Rangers lead the Oilers, 3-2.

Chrissy Smith: Our regular rinkside reporter Paul Hanley is out today on diaper duty. He and his lovely wife Joan welcomed their first child, a healthy future Rangers fan named Cole. Congrats to them.

Dale Worthy: Luckily, [Cut to split screen between Laslo Holmes and Dale Worthy and Chrissy Smith] Laslo Holmes who usually covers the Knicks for us here at MSG is filling in for Paul while he’s out. He’s down there rinkside now. How are you doing down there, Las?

[Cut to Laslo Holmes]

Laslo Holmes: In a word, cold. It’s very cold all around here. I’m just playing. I’m having fun here at the hockey game. Lots of fun hockey going on. Lots of white dudes on skates running into each other at full speed. I don’t get it. No, I’m just messing around. Very different from working at the Knicks games. Much colder.

[Cut to split screen with Laslo Holmes and Dale Worthy]

Dale Worthy: Las, what’s your impression of the game so far?

Laslo Holmes: Well, Dale, the story of the game is one of the main guys on the Rangers, don’t know how to say his name. It has like thirty letters in it, none of them are vowels. He’s playing great which is crazy because he got in a full fistfight in the first minute of the game. But hey, as they say in hockey, let’s do that hockey. I miss the Knicks. I’m just kidding. Laslo Holmes, very cold, rickside, Rangers versus Oilers.

Dale Worthy: Now, Las, I wanna talk bout this Ranger offense.

Laslo Holmes: You should do that.

Dale Worthy: I meant with you, Las. Now, they came out of the box with an aggressive offense we haven’t seen from then in a while.

Laslo Holmes: That’s what’s up.

[Chrissy Smith takes Dale Worthy’s place]

Chrissy Smith: From down there on the ice, who do you think really made a difference in the first period?

Laslo Holmes: Definitely the hockey players, Chrissy. They were the ones who got all the scores. Then you’ve got the goalie, wearing every pad in the world and a baseball glove. He’s working very hard too. It’s so cold here.

Chrissy Smith: Hey Las, I see one of the players there. I wonder if you could get a few questions in.

[Cut to Laslo Holmes]

Laslo Holmes: Great. Um, let’s talk to him. [Skjei walks in] Come on over here, dude. Okay, I’m here with– can you turn around so I can get that name? [The jersey has ‘Skjei’ printed on it] Yes, that is S, a K and a J all next to each other. So, that’s a no. I’m here with my main man. And I got to know, in the next period, how are you going to do that hockey?

Skjei: Well, you know, we just got to keep up the pressure up and stay out of the box.

Laslo Holmes: That’s what’s up.

Skjei: And we’re going to watch the icing calls. Coach said we were icing so much we could open a bakery. Ha-ha-ha.

Laslo Holmes: I do not get that.

Skjei: Yeah. But we really just got to play smart and keep moving the puck and avoid those five minutes majors.

Laslo Holmes: This man has said it all. Let me ask, are you also cold as hell?

Skjei: Um, no. I’m kind of hot, actually.

Laslo Holmes: Yes. I’m very cold. So that’s the story here in hell. Back to you guys in the booth.

[Cut to Dale Worthy and Chrissy Smith]

Chrissy Smith: Well, the story of the game has been the power play. Here with a closer look is out play by play analyst Tim Hayward who joins Las, rinkside.

[Cut to Laslo Holmes and Tim Hayward]

Tim Hayward: Hey, Chrissy. You said it, two of the three ranger goals came while the Oilers were shorthanded.

Laslo Holmes: That’s what’s up.

Tim Hayward: Let’s take a look at one now. [Cut to the replay of the game] Rangers on the power play here. We can stop that. There is Shattenkirk at the point. And watch Buchnevic find that open ice in the middle lane there.

Laslo Holmes: Um, and Dale and Chrissy, it was here when I saw something that was very interesting. Can we punch in on that. [Laslo Holmes zooms in to the audience. Kenan is rooting the the game.] There is a black hockey fan. He doesn’t look cold at all. So, I will be talking to him in the post game show and find out exactly what’s going on there.

[Cut to Laslo Holmes and Tim Hayward]

Tim Hayward: Anyway, the Rangers scored a goal there. Dale, Chrissy, back to you.

[Cut to Dale Worthy and Chrissy Smith]

Chrissy Smith: Thanks Tim. Las, do you have any thoughts on if the coach is going to stick with his strategy of keeping those line changes pretty short?

Laslo Holmes: No.

Chrissy Smith: Alright. Well, thanks, Las.

[horn honking]

Dale Worthy: And there’s the horn. And you know what that means.

Laslo Holmes: I do not.

Dale Worthy: It’s time for the third period. We’ll check back in with Las later who will be covering every Rangers game for us while our regular rinkside commentator Paul is back from Paternity leave.

Chrissy Smith: Paul, we’ll see you in six months.

Laslo Holmes: Six months?

Dale Worthy: Third period starts now.

Laslo Holmes: When did we start doing paternity leave?

Family Feud- Harvey Family Thanksgiving

Steve Harvey… Kenan Thompson

Janelle… Leslie Jones

Mike… Chris Redd

Andre… Michael Che

Ricky Harvey

Carol… Aidy Bryant

Peter… Beck Bennett

Justin… Mikey Day

Cecil… Chance the Rapper

[Starts with Family Feud intro]

Male voice: It’s time to play Family Feud, thanks giving edition. Here’s your host, Steve Harvey.

[Cut to Steve Harvey walking in]

Steve Harvey: Okay. Okay. Okay, now, welcome to a special thanksgiving edition of Family Feud. Now, some folks like white meat. Some folks like dark meat. Let me tell you a secret. Everybody like dark meat. Now, thanksgiving is all about family. So, I got two special ones here today. First, it’s my own. It’s the Harvey family.

[Cut to the Harvey family]

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Yeah. These people are not only related to me, but they also work in Steve Harvey organization. First, we got my wife, Janelle who handles all my appearances. What else I got to do today, darling?

[Cut to Janelle]

Janelle: Well, after this, you got your daytime show. Then you got your radio show. Then you got your book signing at Red Lobster.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Wow! Yeah. You like it when I’m busy. Big daddy getting that money. Ha-ha. Next, we’ve got my brother, Mike, who designs all my suits.

[Cut to Mike]

Mike: What’s up, Steve? I came up with a new suit color yesterday. It is palorange.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: That’s gonna be a number one best seller. Plorange. Ha-ha-ha. I like that. Plorange. Next, we got my nephew Andre who writes jokes for me.

[Cut to Andre]

Andre: That’s right. I came up with the bit on ‘Little Big Shots’ where when a child says something you stare at him for 20 seconds like he’s a ghost.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, you mean like this? [Steve Harvey looks at camera] Yeah, I love that bit, man. And finally, we got my cousin Ricky who runs my personal line of mustache conditioning products.

[Cut to Ricky Harvey]

Ricky Harvey: That’s right. It’s called the Greasy Caterpillar.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Huge seller, man. Make you mustache dark and shiny like a slippery little penguin. And on the other side, we have got the Diedrichson family. [Cut to Diedrichson family. They are white] Now, we not blood related but these folks are like family to me. Carol Diedrichson has been on of my closest friends for over 30 years.

[Cut to Carol]

Carol: Yeah, that’s true. And I brought my wonderful family. You remember my husband Peter?

[cut to Peter]

Peter: Hey, Steve.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Hey, good to see you, Peter.

Carol: My son, Justin.

[Cut to Justin]

Justin: Hey, Steve.

[cut to Carol]

Carol: And my other son, Cecil.

[Cut to Cecil. He is black. he has mustache like Steve Harvey, he looks like Steve Harvey and he speaks like Steve Harvey.]

Cecil: How you doing, player? [he speaks like Steve Harvey]

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Well, hey there, Cecil. Wow. You sure have grown up since I last saw you.

[Cut to Cecil]

Cecil: Yeah, it has been a minute.

[Cut to Carol looking at Steve Harvey and Cecil]

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Hm, there’s something about you.

[Cut to Janelle looking furious at Steve Harvey]

Janelle: Yeah, I say so.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: You know what? Why don’t we just start the game? Give me two players up here. Let’s play the feud.

[Janelle and Carol walk to the stage. Carol tries to shake her hand with Janelle but Janelle rejects.]

Janelle: No, thank you.

Steve Harvey: What? I thought you all was friends. Women are strange. Okay, 100 people surveyed. Top four answers on the board. Name something that you’re thankful for.

[Carol presses the button]

Carol: My home.

Steve Harvey: Oh, good answer. Good answer. You like your home, huh?

Carol: Oh, yes. We love it in Tempe.

Steve Harvey: Tempe, Arizona? Oh, I love Tempe. I spent some time on tour there about 17, 18 years ago.

Carol: Oh, I remember. It was raining.

Steve Harvey: Huh! Anyway, show me a place to do the nasty!

[right answer bell]

Ay! Number one answer. Alright, do y’all want to pass or play?

Carol: Well, I’m glad to play with you, Steve.

Steve Harvey: Ha-ha-ha. Yeah, you were always like that.

Carol: Yeah.

[Steve Harvey peeks at Janelle. She is looking at him furiously.]

Alright, come on Diedrichson family. Something that you are thankful for. Peter? [Steve Harvey walks to Dierdrichson family]

Peter: Well, I hope this isn’t selfish, Steve, but I’m thankful for money. Not for me, but to provide for my family. Like, equipment for Justin’s street hockey team. Or buying pocket squares and super shiny shoes for Cecil.

Steve Harvey: Oh, you like shiny shoes, huh?

Cecil: Yeah. The shinier the better.

Steve Harvey: I hear you, man. I love me some gators. Show me, getting that money. [right answer bell] Alright, it’s up there. Okay, we got two left. Justin, something that you’re thankful for.

Justin: Oh, um, I gotta say my health. I’m the fastest one on my cross country team. But I’m not strong like Cecil.

Steve Harvey: Yeah, he is strong, ain’t he? He must have good genes.

Justin: Oh, yeah. Cecil’s always been big.He’s had a full mustache since age 11.

Cecil: And, I was the sexiest boy in the 6th grade.

Steve Harvey: Well, you and I are very similar. Show me, big and manly at an early age. [right answer bell] Oh, yes.

[Justin and Cecil do high-five]

Cecil: Half brother. All in.

Steve Harvey: Wait, wait. Hold up? Half brother? I thought you wasadopted.

Cecil: Oh, no, Steve. Mama had me before she got married 17 years ago.

Steve Harvey: 17 years? Okay. Now, I’m doing a math. That’s–

Steve Harvey and Cecil: Kind of freaky.

[Steve Harvey and Cecil look at each other awkwardly]

Steve Harvey: Oh my lord, help me. [sad music playing] [Steve Harvey walks to Carol] I did a bad thing. I did bad. I thought I was out. I thought I was all the way out.

Carol: No, Steve, there’s nothing you need to do, okay?

Peter: And what are we talking about?

Carol: Steve, Steve, look at me. You didn’t do anything wrong.

Steve Harvey: But, is he smart os is he like– [pointing at himself]

Carol: He’s so smart, Steve. So, smart. Go over. Say hi.

[Steve Harvey walks to Cecil]

Steve Harvey: Hey, there, little fellow. Do you mind if I play the feud with you? Tell me what you’r thankful for.

Cecil: Well, player, I’m thankful for family in whatever form it takes.

Steve Harvey: You damn right. Show me family. [right answer bell] Ay! There it is. The Diedrichson family win. Next up, we going to play the lightning round but I feel like I should just give them the money. We’ll be right back.

Janelle: Hold up. This ain’t no happy ending.

Steve Harvey: Yeah, we got a lot of stuff to talk about. We do.

Career Day

Mrs. Sellers… Aidy Bryant

Mrs. Tollerson… Cecily Strong

Matthew… Pete Davidson

Luke Null

Robby… Mikey Day

Scott… Chance the Rapper

Gary… Kenan Thompson

Bill… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Mrs. Sellers speaking to the class]

Mrs. Sellers: Well, I would say that there are more fun days than stressful days.

Mrs. Tollerson: Wow. Big hand for Matthew’s mom for telling us about her awesome job as a roller coaster designer for six flags.

Mrs. Sellers: Well, there is one last thing. Matthew, do you want to tell them?

Matthew: Um, my mom got the whole class annual passes to six flags.

Luke: Mrs. Sellers, you just made Matthew the coolest kid in school. Whoo!

[students are celebrating]

Mrs. Tollerson: Wow. Okay. This is a career week first. Roller coaster designing sounds very fun. Are they hiring?

Mrs. Sellers: Well, you need engineering degree.

[Mrs. Sellers walks away]

Mrs. Tollerson: No, that was a joke! Now, let’s bring up Scott and Robby to introduce their dads who are business partners. A double presentation, how fun.

[Robby and Scott walk to the front]

Robby: Well, um, Matthew’s mom is a tough act to follow. Roller coaster designer is very sweet. But I think our dads are up to the challenge. They are general contractors.

Scott: Trust me. It’s a lot cooler than it sounds. So, give it up for our dads, Bill and Gary.

Robby: Yeah.

[Robby and Scott take their seats. Gary and Bill walk to the front.]

Gary: Hello.

Bill: Good morning. Thanks. Gary and I started a company in 1996 called Petrol Works LLC.

Robby: Aw, such a dope name? Right? Petrol Works!

Bill: And we specialize in below ground construction of fuel tanks and flow piping for gas stations.

Scott: Yeap! This is happening.

Robby: Yeah. Pretty cool, right guys?

Gary: So, I guess we’ll kind of just take you through the process from the bid to the construction phase. First, we get contacted by a client such as Chevron.

Scott: Did you say Chevron? I think I speak for the entire class when I say, “Matthew’s mom, you suck!”

Gary: Hey, Scott! Alright. Other clients include Mobil, Exxon and Shell.

Robby: Wait! Mobil, Exxon and Shell? I mean, raise your hand if you just got so excited you blew your butt hole out.

Mrs. Tollerson: Robbie? Language. And boys, I’m glad you are excited, but please let your dads talk.

Bill: Alright. So, when a client wants to build a new service station, we put together a bid, i.e., how much it will cost to build the fuel system.

Robby: Oh my god, I need some water. This is so dope. So dope.

Bill: Some jobs are more complicated than others. We had a job last year where the gas station was built on a hill.

[Robby sprays the water in his mouth on Melissa’s face]

Robby: A hill? That’s so bad ass!

Melissa: Gross!

Bill: Robbie, what are you doing? Knock it off, son!

Gary: And fun fact, petrol works is the first GV firm to use solar powered flow valve switches.

Scott: Solar powered flow valve switches? Status of my jeans, please? Scanning jeans. Your jeans are creamed.

Gary: Hey, stop that porno movie talk stuff now. Alright. Let’s continue, Bill.

Bill: Alright. A big also consists of a field survey, which is my favorite part because it gets us out of the office.

Robby: Ha-ha. And that cool joke makes it official, I want to bang my dad.

Bill: What the hell did you just say, Robbie?

Scott: Sorry, sir, your job is just so cool, you’re making the entire class horny.

Gary: Hey! I don’t know why you going so crazy for our job, but stop it with the weird stuff. What is next, Bill?

Bill: Um, we wanted to show you all a picture from the construction process. This is from a Mobil station job in the North Fullerton.

[Gary holds a picture of the pipe work]

Scott: Oh my god.

Robby: That is the dopest thing I’ve ever seen in my entire life. Oh, I need to lie down. I’m gonna be faint. Oh my god, it’s just too dope, the pipes!

[Robby falls on classroom’s table and breaks it]

Mrs. Tollerson: Robbie?

Bill: Oh, come on, Robby, what the hell are you doing? Get up.

Gary: Hey, Scott Douglas, put your clothes back on right now!

[Scott is only wearing is underwear]

Scott: I can’t. I got so hot. It’s too dope. It’s too dope, dad.

Gary: Okay, Mrs. Tollerson, can I do the honors?

Mrs. Tollerson: Sure, Gary.

Gary: Alright, Robby, Scott, principal’s office right now! Go on.

Bill: Yeah.

[Robby and Scott walk out]

Robby: So dope.

Mrs. Tollerson: Okay, well, thank you Bill and Gary for speaking to us today. Boy, I wish my teaching got kids that excited.

Mrs. Sellers: Well, maybe you’re not just a good teacher.

Mrs. Tollerson: What’s your problem with me?

Tournament Fighter

Amy… Melissa Villaseñor

Pete Davidson

Kyle Mooney

Kenan Thompson

Scorpinox… Mikey Day

Deathstripe… Kate McKinnon

Pyro… Luke Null

Boo Boo Jeffries… Tiffany Haddish

Mark… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Amy and Pete playing video game in Gamer Con. Kyle is hosting the show.]

Amy: Come on, come on, come on! Damn!

Video game voice: Scorpinox wins.

Pete: Yes! Nice game.

Kyle: Alright. That was epic. Alright, attention, video gamers. Sonic Goon just knocked out Gamer Chick XX which means the quarterfinal match of the death fight 12 tournament will be Sonic Goon Vs. Pone Dunky. Pune Dunky, make your way to the tournament stage.

[Kenan walks in]

Kenan: Alright, let’s do this. Let’s do this. What’s up? What’s up? Alright, cool. What’s up? [Amy walks out and Kenan takes her place]

Kyle: Alright, one match. Best two out of three rounds. Sonic Goon, you are player one. Pick your Death Fighter.

[Cut to the video game character selection]

Video game voice: Player one, choose your fighter. Scorpinox. You selected Scorpinox.

Scorpinox: No mercy. Only pain.

[Cut to Pete and Kenan]

Kenan: Damn, man! I was gonna be Scorpinox. That’s cool though. Let’s see who our Pone Dunky gonna beat you with.

Video game voice: Player two, choose your fighter.

[Cut to video game character selection]

Deathstripe.

Deathstripe: Let’s rip some throats up.

[Cut to Pete and Kenan]

Kenan: Na, I don’t like Deathstripe’s combos. Next please.

[Cut to video game character selection]

Video game voice: Pyro.

Pyro: Who wants to feel the burn?

[Cut to Pete and Kenan]

Kenan: Pyro’s too slow, man. I need somebody like Doom Snake. Where my boy Doon Snake at?

[Cut to video game character selection]

Video game voice: Boo Boo Jeffries.

Boo Boo Jeffries: Boo Boo Jeffries, y’all know me! Hah!

[Cut to Pete and Kenan]

Kenan: Boo Boo Jeffries? Yo, part 12 added some whack characters. I’m sorry, Boo Boo, but that’s a next.

[Kenan mistakenly presses ‘select’ button]

[Cut to video game character selection]

Video game voice: You selected Boo Boo Jeffries.

Boo Boo Jeffries: Knock, knock, who’s there? Boo Boo Jeffries. Boo Boo Jeffries, who? If you don’t know, you stupid.

[Cut to Pete and Kenan]

Kenan: Hey, I pushed a wrong button. Can we start it over?

Kyle: Hey, sorry dude. No resets in tournament play.

Kenan: Even if we accidentally pick Boo Boo Jeffries? A character that I have never even seen before?

Pete: Hey, let’s go to our fighter overview.

[Cut to video game fighter overview]

Video game voice: Boo Boo Jeffries fighter overview.

Boo Boo Jeffries: Get to know your girl, Boo Boo Jeffries.

Video game voice: Primary attack.

Boo Boo Jeffries: Rihanna! Rihanna! Rihanna!

Video game voice: Secondary attack.

Boo Boo Jeffries: Beyoncé! Beyoncé! Beyonce!

[Cut to Pete and Kenan]

Kenan: Yo! Those are her special moves? This is a game where you rip people’s heads off.

[Cut to video game fighter overview]

Video game voice: Fighter’s strehgths.

Boo Boo Jeffries: My relationship with my mom. She’s my best friend

Video game voice: Fighter weaknesses.

Boo Boo Jeffries: My biggest weakness is fighting.

[Cut to Pete and Kenan]

Kenan: Fighting? Thats the only thing you got to be good at in this. It’s called Death Fight!

[Cut to video game fighter overview]

Boo Boo Jeffries: My other weakness is, I get weird in groups. I’m great one on one but in groups, sad is my ass shuts down. I get quiet and all in my head, “Why do I do that?”

[Cut to Pete and Kenan]

Kenan: I don’t know, Boo Boo Jeffries. Hey man, I payed 75 bucks to play in this tournament, man. Just let me be Doom Snake.

Kyle: Ay, I’m sorry man. Rules are rules. Good luck, gentlemen.

[Cut to the game fight]

Video game voice: Scorpinox versus Boo Boo Jeffries. Round one. Fight!

Scorpinox: Death punch!

[Scorpinox punches Boo Boo Jeffries on her face. Boo Boo Jeffries heal bar is empty.]

Boo Boo Jeffries: No!

[Boo Boo Jeffries walks out]

Video game voice: Scorpinox wins.

Scorpinox: Your defeat tastes delicious.

[Cut to Pete and Kenan]

Kenan: She left? Yo, I didn’t even get to push one button.

[Cut to Kyle and Amy]

Amy: You should have done a Rihanna on him.

[Cut to Pete and Kenan]

Kenan: No, I should have picked Doom Snake.

[Cut to Kyle and Amy]

Kyle: Hey, you’re never gonna win with an attitude like that. Let’s go round two.

[Cut to video game]

Video game voice: Round two. Fight!

Boo Boo Jeffries: [staying at one place] Rihanna! Rihanna! Rihanna!

[Boo Boo Jeffries’ move did no damage to Scorpinox]

[Cut to Pete and Kenan]

Kenan: Yeah. Yeah, that Rihanna move was a big help, thanks.

Kyle: Hey, try to do combo or something, bro. Come on, now.

Kenan: Alright, let’s see what this combo is all about.

[Cut to video game]

Boo Boo Jeffries: Boo Boo Jeffries combo, prepare to be marked!

Video game voice: Combo!

Kenan: You getting marked for death. I knew my girl Boo Boo would come through.

Boo Boo Jeffries: This is my sister’s husband, Mark. You in trouble now.

[Mark walks in wearing a formal outfit.]

Mark: Okay, listen up, buster. The funny business ends now. Now, hit the road, Jack!

Boo Boo Jeffries: That’s a real man right there.

[Cut to Pete and Kenan]

Kenan: I am literally pushing no buttons right now. This is just happening.

[Cut to video game]

Mark: Hey! Hey, bud? You got wax in your ears? I said, scram!

[Scorpinox punches Mark on his stomach. Mark falls.]

[Cut to Pete and Kenan]

Kenan: Wow! Really saved the day there, Mark.

[Cut to video game]

Boo Boo Jeffries: Okay, real talk. Nothing good comes from violence. When you fight, you lose. So, Boo Boo Jeffries is removing her self from the situation, which means Boo Boo Jeffries wins.

[Cut to Pete and Kenan looking all confused]

Kenan: Wins at what? Live or the game?

[Cut to video game]

Video game voice: Scorpinox wins.

Kenan: Oh, so not the game.

[Cut to Pete,Kenan, Kyle and Amy]

Great. Great. Cool.

Kyle: And Sonic Goon takes it. He’s going to the semi.

Kenan: Well, I guess there’s a reason why Boo Boo Jeffries isn’t on the cover of this game with all other fighers.

Amy: Yeah. She hates group settings.

Kenan: I’m sorry, what’s your name?

Amy: Amy.

Kenan: Shut up, Amy!