Tag: Sarah Sherman

Hello Kitty

Cecily Strong

Molly Kearney

Marcello Hernandez

Bowen Yang

Keke Palmer

Sarah Sherman

[Starts with Cecily and Molly training the trainees]

Cecily: Hello, everyone, welcome to new employee training here at New York City’s first ever Hello Kitty store.

Molly: Who’s excited? Show us.

Trainees: Whoo!

Marcello: Let’s do it.

Bowen: Can’t weit. I love Hello Kitty.

Keke: Me too. Dream job alert.

Molly: Now as employees, you have to be prepared to answer any questions about Sam Rios Official Hello Kitty story.

Cecily: Yes. So if you open to page five of your employee manuals, you’ll see a list of facts about Hello Kitty. So as you can see, she loves to bake cookies. She goes to school and she’s actually not a cat. She is a human little girl.

Sarah: Hah, intresting.

Marcello: I never knew that.

Bowen: What?

Keke: No.

Cecily: Yeah, it’s a fun fact, right?

Molly: Now, isn’t this a sweet one? Hello Kitty’s favorite food is a mama’s apple pie.

Bowen: Hey, why did you say hello kitty as a human little girl?

Cecily: Well, because it’s true. According to the creator’s Hello Kitty is a human little girl.

Keke: So you’re saying if you had a baby and it came out looking like Hello Kitty, you think that baby was a human baby?

Bowen: Because I would tell the doctor to throw it away.

Cecily: Well, that’s not at all what I’m saying. These are just the official Sanrio facts about Hello Kitty.

Molly: Maybe we should move on. So Hello Kitty is in third grade, and fun fact, she lives in London.

Marcello: [fake British accent] Oh wicked, in’it?

Sarah: Cheerios.

Cecily: Good. She also has a boyfriend Dear Daniel. And unlike Hello Kitty, he actually is the cat.

Bowen: So the girl is a person, but the one in the suit and ties the cat?

Cecily: Yeah.

Molly: Yes.

Bowen: Yeah, okay, that’s not gonna work for me.

Keke: And they’re dating. So you’re telling us these two are clapping cheeks bear back.

Cecily: Bear back? Yeah. Hey, no, we don’t talk that way at Sanrio.

Bowen: I’m sorry. Is this not crazy to you guys?

Sarah: I guess it’s a little weird, but I don’t care about this job. It just seems like an insane place to get high.

Molly: We’re almost done. Okay, if people ask, Hello Kitty loves candy. She weighs five apples tall and she weighs three apples.

Keke: She’s measured in apples?

Molly: She’s also in third grade. She was born in 1974.

Keke: So She’s 48 years old?

Bowen: You’re telling me she’s a 48 year old third grader who’s clapping cheeks with a cat, no Jimmy?

Cecily: Nah. Nah. We don’t talk about clapping cheeks at Sanrio.

Molly: She loves milk. Her favorite shoes are sandals.

Keke: What’s her race?

Cecily: What?

Keke: What’s Hello Kitty’s race?

Cecily: She doesn’t have one.

Bowen: You didn’t want to touch that one? She has an age, height, pet in relationship, but she’s raceless?

Keke: Okay, and she could just be anything, say she’s black.

Cecily: I’m sorry. Excuse me?

Keke: Say that little white girl is black.

Cecily: No. We’re not going to do that.

Bowen: Do you like this? Confusing us with your lies about Hello Kitty having sex and how big apples are?

Keke: Because we only recognize one big apple. New York. The best city in the world, and we’re not gonna let you ruin it.

Bowen: Who’s with us?

james: [holding a shovel] I am.

Punkie: [holding an axe] I am too.

Heidi: [wearing statue of liberty outfit] Because I am New York.

Devon: And I am New York.

Andrew: [wearing Spiderman costume] And if you mess with Hello Kitty, you mess with New York.

Michael: [walking in with Hello Kitty] Isn’t that right, Hello Kitty?

[Hello Kitty opens her kitty mask. It’s Natasha Leon.]

Natasha: Yeah. Just tell us the truth, lady.

Cecily: Natasha Leone. What do you want?

Natasha: This is New York. So say that Hello Kitty isn’t a little human girl. Say she’s a cat.

Cecily: Okay, fine. She’s a cat.

[everyone starts celebrating]

Bowen: Now, come on, everybody. I gotta sell tickets to see the Yankees on Broadway at Madison Square Garden.

All: New York!

Male voice: Hello Kitty is a human? Forget about it. Paid for by the city of New York.

Big Penis Therapy

Robin… Amy Schumer

Melissa… Sarah Sherman

Glen… Andrew Dismukes

Ego Nwodim

[Starts with a group of adults playing a card game]

Ego: Sorry, Robin, but draw four.

Glen: Ha-ha-ha. It sucks to be you.

Robin: Oh, babe, you’re gloating.

Glen: Oh, you’re right. You’re right. Sorry to get so competitive guys.

Melissa: Fine, Glen.

Glen: No, it’s not fine. Something I’ve been working on in therapy.

Melissa: You go to therapy. That’s like really surprising.

Ego: Seriously, talk about a complete 180.

Robin: I know remember how cranky he used to be.

Melissa: That’s one way to put it.

Ego: Yeah, I would have said toxic as a mug.

Glen: Okay, you got me?

Robin: Yeah, but honestly, ever since I finally convinced him to go to big penis therapy, he’s just been so much happier. He’s like, a new person.

Ego: One more time.

Melissa: Did you see big penis therapy?

Glen: Yeah, it’s a place where I can finally open up about my problems with my dad, my insecurities, my rage issues.

Ego: That just sounds like regular therapy.

Robin: Let’s go back to the game. Whose turn is it?

Glen: See, she’s been trying to get me to go to therapy for years ever since I cheated on her that first time. You remember that, babe?

Robin: Yeah, I sure do.

Glen: Therapy just always seem so, I don’t know fruity. But then I heard about big penis therapy, for men with big penises like mine. And I thought, maybe I do need this.

Robin: Big penis therapy just helps to destigmatize men working on their mental health.

Glen: And sure the guys down at the job harassed me for going to therapy at first, but then I showed them my sweet badge for completing six months. And now they all went therapy too.

Ego: [reading the badge] God forgive my painess. What’s a painess?

Glen: t’s a medical term. It means penis that causes great pain.

Melissa: Oh, maybe I should tell my Jake about this.

Glen: Not so fast. Are you sure Jake qualifies?

Melissa: Actually he’s pretty okay.

Glen: Ha-ha-ha. Well, unfortunately, it’s not “pretty okay” size penis therapy. It’s therapy for guys with great big ones. Like mine, or Shaq’s. Or the guys from long naturals magazine.

Melissa: You know, Glen for the record, penis size really isn’t important.

Robin: Please don’t say that.

Glen: It’s okay honey. It actually is important, Melissa. And honestly, before therapy, I would have called you a stuck up bitch for saying that. But now I won’t.

Ego: Hey, Glen, did they measure your penis first to make sure you qualify?

Glen: What do you mean?

Ego: Just saying. How do they know you have a big…?

Robin: They don’t have to measure.

Glen: Honey, relax. It’s a good question. But yeah, the doctors can tell by your overall vibe if you have a baby leg like it.

Ego: Interesting. Well, Glenn, whatever they’re doing, it seems to be working for you.

Melissa: Truly. You even look like you’ve lost some weight.

Glen: Oh, well, that’s all thanks to my fat rod vegan meal plan.

Ego: You got him to be vegan too?

Robin: Yep. He’s also going to long Dong church now and drinking thick hog non-alcoholic beers.

Glen: Yeah. And I also joined an activist group called three inch monster packers against animal testing.

Melissa: Good, because it looks like you’re gonna have to draw for.

Ego: And that’s on top of my draw for.

Melissa: We’re playing stack, so you have to draw eight, Glen.

Robin: Aw, babe. But you only have one left. You almost won.

Glen: [flipping the table up side down] Stop making fun of me.

Female voice: Big penis therapy. It’s therapy.

 

The View- Jack Harlow

Whoopi Goldberg… Ego Nwodim

Joy Bay Hart… Sarah Sherman

Sara Haines… Chloe Fineman

Sunny Hostin… Punkie Johnson

[Starts with the show intro]

[Cut to the show set]

Whoopi: Hi, I’m Whoopi Goldberg. And I’m technically not the star of The View. But I am the only one here who has ever been asked for an autograph. And as always, I’m joined by the Pippin to my Jordan, Joy Bay Hart.

Joy: Oh, come on. I’m Rodman. Tell me I’m Rodman.

Whoopi: No, you ruin some hotel rooms in Vegas. That’s for sure. [laughing]  We’re also here with a couple of members of the B team.

Sunny: Thank you, Whoopi.

Sara: Very nice. Anyway, some of you may recall on Monday, our interview with Ted Cruz was interrupted by climate change protesters. But today we are looking forward to a more upbeat episode with a very exciting guest. Please welcome, Jack Harlow.

[Jack Harlow walks in]

Thanks for coming, Jack.

Jack Harlow: Hey ladies, thanks for having me. A can I just say, Whoopi, it’s an honor. You are an icon.

Whoopi: Oh all right. Don’t compliment me all quiet like that Jack. I have been closed for business since before you were born.

Jack Harlo: Well, I’m looking forward to the grand reopening.

Whoopi: No, no, no. Come on. I am a dead woman walking. Alright?

Sunny: Excuse me, I don’t mean to be rude to our guests but there is something I wanted to say about the protesters earlier this week. I—

Whoopi: No, no, no, we’re not doing this again. They came to the show talking about a stop big oil. Like, what do you want me to do?

Joy: It’s an important issue, Whoopi.

Whoopi: They want me to stop Big Oil? How? I don’t know him.

Joy: Whoopi!

Whoopi: Save the planet? My god, I’m already saving our rating.

Joy: Whoopi!

Whoopi: Joy.

Joy: Whoopi!

Whoopi: Jack, what do you think?

Jack Harlow: It’s all good. But Whoopi, is it the global warming or is it just like getting a little hot in here?

Whoopi: Baby, please. We would never work. The only MCs I need in my life are my cats and my cigarettes.

Sara: Can I just say, personally I think we should speak about climate change.

Whoopi: Um-hmm. Okay. Okay, thank you sweetheart. But we moved on. Back to the matter at hand, the one and only Mr. Black Harlow.

Jack Harlow: Would you stop playing with me? It’s just Jack.

Joy: Well, I got a question for you Black. You and a lot of other rappers feature scantily clad women in your videos. Don’t you think that’s objectified to those girls?

Whoopi: Oh please. Those bimbos took the gig.

Joy: Come on, now, Whoopi.

Whoopi: I’m sorry, but it’s a music video.

Joy: Whoopi!

Whoopi: What they think it was for? A damn science video?

Joy: What on earth is a science video? Did I say that, Whoopi?

Whoopi: You did say that.

Joy: I did not say that.

Whoopi: You basically said that.

Joy: So Jack, what do you say?

Jack Harlow: Yeah, I guess I’ll just say there’s a lot of beautiful girls in my videos, but you know, right now what I need most is a woman.

Whoopi: Okay, I don’t know what you’re trying to do to me. But it is working. I’m feeling like Indiana Jones just stepped on a booby trap. Because my whole dusty cave has started to rumble.

Jack Harlow: I like that movie. Maybe we should watch it together sometime. I hope you’re not afraid of snakes.

Whoopi: Okay, Jack. Am I sensing a metaphor?

Jack Harlow: Whoopi, I’ve met a lot of fours (metaphor), but today I met a 10.

Joy: Wait a minute. So the snake was about his— Oh my god!

Whoopi: Well Joy, I am wet. And that’s all the time we have today folks. Bring it to mama.

Joker Wedding

Patch… Jack Harlow

Dooney… Heidi Gardner

Pastor… James Austin Johnson

Clint… Andrew Dismukes

Becca… Chloe Fineman

Uncle Tag… Mikey Day

Grandma Judy… Sarah Sherman

Jeff Probst

Patch: And Dooney, no matter come hell or high water. I’m gonna love you till I got no more love to give, I swear that to you.

Dooney: Whatever.

Pastor: That was beautiful patch. Now if anyone here has reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.

Dooney: Yeah, got a reason.

Patch: Babe, what are you doing?

Dooney: Just saying I don’t know. I feel like marrying you no more on account of your best man came to our wedding dress like Joker.

[The best man is dressed up as Joker with make up and everything]

Clint: Y’all don’t like me dressed like Joker?

Dooney: No, Clint, I don’t like it. I know we’re getting married on Halloween night, but I don’t like it being dressed like Joker.

Clint: You’re getting married on Halloween night. I thought I could dress like Joker.

Patch: Clint, I told you multiple times, we wasn’t doing costumes at the wedding.

Clint: Yeah, but I told you I was gonna dress like Joker.

Patch: I know, but I said not to.

Clint: But I said I was gonna dress like Joker.

Patch: I know. But when you said you were gonna do that, I said do not do that.

Clint: Yeah, but I told you I was gonna dress like Joker.

Dooney: You ruined my wedding, Clint.

Clint: I ruined your whole wedding just because I’m dressed like Joker?

Dooney: Yes, Clint. When I was a little baby girl dreaming about my wedding, my husband’s best man wasn’t dressed like Joker.

Clint: I didn’t want to ruin your wedding, Dooney. I just want to dress like Joker.

Patch: Dooney, baby. Please, if Clint goes take off the Joker stuff right now, can we please still be bridegroom?

Dooney: Okay, then. If Clint goes stop being Joker, then we can still be bride and groom.

Patch: Yes, thank you baby. Clint, go to the bathroom now, take off all the Joker.

Clint: I won’t change out of Joker.

Patch: Come on, Clint, you’re my best friend. You know I’ve been wanting to marry Dooney ever since I saw her.

Clint: And you know everyone to dress like Joker ever since last Halloween when I saw a guy dressed like Joker. I said next year I’m gonna dress like Joker.

Dooney: But I don’t want you to be Joker no more, Clint.

Clint: Well, I do wanna be Joker, Dooney. I think everybody here should get to vote on if I get to be Joker, if I got to be not be Joker no more.

Patch: Fine. Well vote on it.

Dooney: No, Patch.

Patch: Well, he’s right Dooney. If everybody else wants him still be Joker, he should get to still be Joker.

Dooney: Well then, I guess I don’t want to be bride and groom no more.

Patch: I do want to be bride and groom with you, Dooney, more than anything in this here earth. But we’re getting married on Halloween now. We got to respect that some people go show up dressed like Joker. We lucky we only got one Joker. This place is going to be crawling with Jokers, Dooney.

Pastor: It’s settled then. By the power vested in me by the State of Kentucky, we will now vote on Joker.

Patch: Alright. Cousin Becca, do you think Clint should or should not get to still be Joker?

Becca: Clint, I understand that is Halloween night, and on Halloween night you should get to be Joker.

Clint: Thank you.

Becca: But if Dooney don’t want you to be Joker so much that she won’t marry Patch no more, then my vote is you should not get to be Joker.

Patch: Thank you cousin Becca. Uncle Tag, are you pro Joker or no Joker?

Uncle Tag: Dooney, there is nothing more I want than for you and my little nephew to be bride and groom.

Dooney: Me too, uncle Tag.

Uncle Tag: However, given that it is Halloween night, the one night a year in which everyone is allowed to be Joker, I vote that Clint should continue to be Joker.

Patch: Grandma Judy, it’s down to you. Should Clint or should not Clint continue to be Joker at our wedding?

Grandma Judy: Dooney, you make the most beautiful bride I have ever seen.

Dooney: Thank you, Grandma Judy, that’s so sweet.

Grandma Judy: And Clint, you know I never liked you. You are a skunk and an alcoholic. But I’ll be damned if you don’t exactly look like Joker.

Clint: Thank you Grandma Judy. I will cherish that.

Patch: Grandma Judy, have you made your decision?

Grandma Judy: I have.

Patch: Okay, then survivors Jeff Probst, please share the results.

[cheers and applause]

Jeff Probst: Dooney, the tribe has spoken. [pulls out a sheet of paper from a pot] Clint gets to be Joker.

Dooney: No.

Jeff Probst: You need to bring me a torch. Congratulations, Clint, you get to be Joker.

Clint: Whoo! Jeff Probst said I get to be Joker. Let’s go, boy.

Jan 6th Final Hearing Cold Open

Bennie Thompson… Kenan Thompson

Adam Schiff… Michael Longfellow

Mr. Kinzinger… Andrew Dismukes

Liz Cheney… Heidi Gardner

Jamie Raskin… Mikey Day

Nancy Pelosi… Chloe Fineman

Chuck Schumer… Sarah Sherman

Donald Trump… James Austin Johnson

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: You’re watching C-SPAN. Can you believe it stands for cocker spaniel? We’re now return to the closing statements of the January 6th committee to investigate the attack on our nation’s capital.

[Cut to the House Select Committee’s hearing]

[cheers and applause]

Bennie Thompson: Alright. The House Select Committee will now come to order for its 9th and final hearing. The January 6 was one of the most dramatic and consequential moments in our nation’s history. So to fight back, we assembled a team of monotone nerds to do a PowerPoint.

Adam Schiff: I made mine with Google Slides.

Bennie Thompson: We’ve been investigating this horrible attack for more than a year. But today’s session is going to be a little different. We’re going to summarize our findings, hold a history making vote and then, and only then [pulls out a plate of desserts] we all get to have a little treat.

Mr. Kinzinger:

Oh, come on. Can I have one cupcake now?

Bennie Thompson: No, no, no, no. It’s evidence, then a vote., then a little treat. All right, I would first like to recognize the gentle lady from Wyoming, who I am shocked to say has become my best friend. Liz Cheney.

Liz Cheney: Thank you, Benny. Over the past few months, this bipartisan committee has presented our case to all Americans. Whether you’re a Republican who’s not watching or a Democrat who’s not in so hard, your head is falling off. One person is responsible for this insurrection, Donald Trump. And one person will suffer the consequences, me. You might be wondering what makes me so tough? And I asked you, who is your dad? Is it Dick Cheney? You might wonder how do you have the guts to take on your entire party alone? And I’d say when you were little, who tucked you in at night? Was it Dick Cheney? I’ve been asked how did you get a backbone made of steel? And I asked back, for your 10th birthday, did you eat pizza at Chucky Cheese with all your friends? Or did you shoot a deer in the face with Dick Cheney? So yeah, I guess you could say I have big Dick Cheney energy.

Bennie Thompson: Well, thank you very much gentle lady from Wyoming. The Chair now recognizes the gentleman from California, and maybe the horror movie Smile. [Adam Schiff is smiling creepily] Actually, no, no, no, we’re gonna skip him. Too spooking. All right. The chair instead recognizes the gentleman from Maryland.

Jamie Raskin: Thank you, Mr. Chairman. Leading up to January 6, the FBI scoured through alt-right message boards and found disturbing comments like “Who wants to burn DC to the ground?” “Anyone got room in their car for me, 10 rifles, and 30 snakes?” “Where do we park?” “Is their shuttle from La Quinta Inn to coup?” And “Am I at wrong Washington? I see Space Needle.” Yet again, President Trump didn’t raise a finger. And while these hooligans were ransacking our beloved capitol, real leaders like Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer were bunkered in a Senate hideaway trying to save the country.

[Cut to a video clip of Nancy Pelosi speaking on the phone]

Nancy Pelosi: Yes, hello, Mr. Vice President. It’s Pelosi. What is happening over there? Why can’t we get back to the capitol and resume the vote?

[Chuck Schumer is sitting beside Nancy Pelosi, talking on the phone]

Chuck Schumer: Hello, DoorDash. It’s Chuck Schumer? Yes, we still haven’t received any of our lunch order. And yes, I did change the drop off location due to some unfortunate treason. But it still should have arrived by now.

Nancy Pelosi: The President is doing nothing? This is completely unacceptable.

Chuck Schumer: My order, 12 dill pickles still floating in the juice and a hot pastrami sandwich with very light mustard. Did you hear me? I’m not afraid to leave a negative review. I am in a confined space with 30 people and if I get an upset stomach, all hell is gonna break loose.

[Cut back to Jamie Raskin]

Jamie Raskin: And it continues for hours from there.

Bennie Thompson: Well, thank you, Mr. Raskin. The Chair now recognizes the tenderoni from Illinois.

Mr. Kinzinger: Thank you, Mr. Chair. I took a cupcake. Now, Donald Trump knew he had lost the election. Everyone around him knew. He asked White House Counsel Pat Cipollone “Did I lose the election?” And Pat said, “Yes.” He then asked Ivanka, “Did I really lose the election?” She said, “Yes.” He then tried to janitor, “Hey, you don’t think I lost, do you?” The janitor responded, “I do.” Then the President turned to a dog and said, “What about you? Did I win?” And the dog legit shook its head side to side, then barked a perfect human “No.” Donald was desperate to hang on to power. Meanwhile, real heroes like Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer were the ones actually running this country.

[Cut to video clip of Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer]

Nancy Pelosi: Mr. Vice President, Mr. Vice President, it’s Pelosi again.

Chuck Schumer: Tell him I’m here too.

Nancy Pelosi: Mr. Vice President, where is President Trump? What is he doing this stop this?

Chuck Schumer: And Hi, Mike. It’s Chuck Schumer. I’m here as well.

Nancy Pelosi: Let me tell you, if Trump comes here now, I’m gonna punch him in the face. Right in the face. I’ll go to jail, but I’ll be happy.

Chuck Schumer: And let me tell you if Trump comes I’m gonna let him punch me in the face. I’ll go to the hospital, free soup.

Bennie Thompson: Yeah, not sure Schumer needs to be in all these clips. Miss Cheney, any final thoughts?

Liz Cheney: The fact is Trump planned to declare victory no matter the results. Look at this video of the president the day before the election,

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: You know the votes don’t matter. I’ve always said that that the votes don’t matter at all. Because what even is a vote? It’s just a piece of paper you fold up and put it in a hat a guy shakes it around. And I’m gonna say it by the way, he had a great hat, didn’t he? It was very tall. He borrowed it from Apollo Creed who is a very close friend of mine. We talk on the phone every day. Our wives their friends. He should never have died in that ring. Obama told him to fight Drago and then he gets whacked in the head and boom, where’s the Obamacare? So now, we don’t vote. We don’t vote. [door knocking] It’s open. [someone brings him a can of coke] Thank you very much. Is Mike Pence dead yet?

Bennie Thompson: All right. I think we’ve seen quite enough. Let us now take a vote. Should we subpoena President Trump and force him to testify before this committee?

Liz Cheney: Yes, we must. And this vote is not just an empty gesture. He will testify.

Jamie Raskin: That’s right. He will get on a plane and leave Florida where he is beloved. And he will fly to Washington where he is hated. And he will answer my questions. Questions like, “Hey, who do you think you are, mister?”

Mr. Kinzinger: Trump is 100% coming and this time he will be held accountable? Sure, he got away with a lot of stuff in the 70s, the 80s, the 90s, the early 2000s, the 2010s and the early 2020s. But that ends now with us because I’m [looks at his table name plate] Mr. Kinzinger, and he will respect my authority.

Bennie Thompson: All right, well, I can already see this is a complete zero. I want to thank my colleagues for throwing away their summers and in some cases, their careers to serve on this committee.

Jamie Raskin: Ain’t no problem. My calendar was empty.

Liz Cheney: I do have a couple of regrets.

Bennie Thompson: America, I don’t know what more we could possibly show you, except maybe this clip of Nancy Pelosi saying poo poo.

[Cut to a video clip of Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer]

Nancy Pelosi: There is poopoo. There is poopoo on the walls of the Capitol.

Chuck Schumer: What’s that?

Nancy Pelosi: I said they are smearing poopoo  onthe walls with poopoo.

Chuck Schumer: Oh, poop poop. See? That’s what happens with too much mustard.

Bennie Thompson: All right. Well, we tried. It was a fun country while it lasted.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night

So You Think You Wont Snap Cold Open

Morgan Freegirl… Bowen Yang

Heather… Heidi Gardner

Kayla… Chloe Fineman

Tracy… Sarah Sherman

Dale… Kenan Thompson

Henry… Devon walker

[starts with Morgan Freegirl in his show set]

Morgan Freegirl: Hello America. [cheers and applause] Have you noticed that everyone around you is angry and crazy? People are flipping out at Target, stabbing his back. And the only thing that can cheer us up is watching a sexy show about Jeffrey Dahmer. We are living on the edge and tonight I’m here to push us over as we play…

Intro:So you think you won’t snap!

Morgan Freegirl: [walks to his booth] Yes, that’s right. I’m your host Morgan Freegirl. Tonight we found the only people in America who have not yet snapped. Let’s meet them. It’s Heather, Kayla, Dale and Henry. [cheers and applause] The game is simple. I’ll read real stories from the news and if you keep your cool, you win big money. All right, Heather, you’re up first in the hotspot.

[Heather walks to the spot]

Heather, you are a music professor and white yoga teacher in Burlington, Vermont.

Heather: Yes, I’m just kind of a chill person. So I promise you’re not gonna get me up.

Morgan Freegirl: Hope you’re right. I’m gonna read you some headlines and to tell if you’ve hit your breaking point, you have in front of you a today’s show sized glass of wine.

[a girl brings a glass of wine and puts it on Heather’s table]

Heather: Oh, I’m not going to drink that. I’ve been sober for 15 years.

Morgan Freegirl: Love that confidence. Let’s play. Let’s start with Ukraine. A massive bridge explosion today cut off the Russian supply chain.

Heather: I saw that. Hopefully it brings us for one step closer to an end.

Morgan Freegirl: Well, on Thursday, Biden said we are closer to nuclear Armageddon than we’ve been in 60 years.

Heather: I don’t know where to put that in my brain. But I love Biden.

Morgan Freegirl: Totally, new to. Do you know how old he is? Did you know that when Joe Biden was born, we didn’t have highways?

Heather: That’s a fun fact.

Morgan Freegirl: Joe Biden was Henry3 years old when he got his first home computer.

Heather: Why are you doing this?

Morgan Freegirl: I’m not doing anything. You want a sip of that wine?

Heather: No, I’m totally good.

[the girl is pouring more wine in her glass]

Morgan Freegirl: Your next item is a video clip. Please enjoy this clip of Biden talking about his mental acuity.

[cut to an interview of Joe Biden]

Journalist: How would you say your mental focus is?

Joe Biden: Which focus? Ha-ha-ha. I think if— I haven’t— Look.

[cut to Heather drinking the whole glass of wine at once]

Morgan Freegirl: That’s a snap.

Heather: [finishing her wine] Mama missed you.

Morgan Freegirl: Up next is Kayla. Kayla get in the hotspot.

[Kayla takes the seat]

[cheers and applause]

Welcome Kayla. Kayla, you said you are a mom and are pickleball curious.

Kayla: Yeah, that’s right. I’m blessed with four beautiful children and don’t have time to worry about anything else.

Morgan Freegirl: Well, next to you is Tracy, a flight attendant for Frontier Airlines. [Tracy is standing next to Kayla] And if you want, you can hit her.

Tracy: Hello.

Kayla:  What? Gosh, I don’t hit people.

Morgan Freegirl: Well, they get hit all the time now, must be a good reason. Let’s play. We’ll start with Georgia Senate candidate Herschel Walker.

Kayla: Oh, the football player. I like him.

Morgan Freegirl: Well came out this week that though he supports a total abortion ban, he allegedly paid for one and lied about it.

Kayla: Well, I bet that’ll come back and bite him in the butt.

Morgan Freegirl: That actually led to his best fundraising day ever.

Kayla: Well, that’s hard to compute, but I don’t like politics. So can we talk about something fun instead?

Morgan Freegirl: Sure. You’re a mom. Did you know that 86% of kids today say that when they grow up, their dream job is influencer.

Kayla: Okay, that sounds dumb. But my kids are into video games, so.

Morgan Freegirl: Well, great. They just released the trailer for the new Super Mario Brothers movie starring Chris Pratt. Let’s take a look.

[cut to Super Mario Brothers movie trailer]

Mario: Mushroom Kingdom, here we come!

[cut back to Kayla]

Kayla: What? He’s supposed to be Italian. That’s like, his whole thing. Argh! [starts hitting Tracy]

Morgan Freegirl: It was inevitable. Well, it’s time for our next contestant get up here, Dale.

[Dale takes the seat]

[cheers and applause]

Hello, Dale, you said you’re taking advantage of Biden’s new weed policy and you had sex right before coming on the show?

Dale: Yes, I sure did. God bless America.

Morgan Freegirl: Well Dale, time for your around. In front of you is a table of things you can sweep on the ground if you snap.

[there are bottle, martini glass, and ice container on the table]

Dale: No worry about that. Nothing can ruin my day today.

Morgan Freegirl: Of course, let’s play. This week Elon Musk—

Dale: Ah! [breaks everything on the table] That man needs to shut his mouth. Rich dude talking about going to Mars. Well, turn your ass to Mars then.

Morgan Freegirl: Thanks, Dale. And our last contestant is Henry.

[Henry is sitting on the spot]

Henry, you are a college student from Ann Arbor. We asked what keeps you up at night and you just said cutiea.

Henry: Yeah, I was just goofing.

Morgan Freegirl: Well, in front of you is a steaming hot iron just in case you need to use it on your hand.

Henry: Why would I in my hand?

Morgan Freegirl: That’s a great question. Let’s play. 401K’s are down Heather0%.

Henry:  I don’t have one so that doesn’t bother me.

Morgan Freegirl:  In the name of inclusivity, the Mars company has announced that the orange M&M has anxiety.

Henry: That’s the candy, doesn’t matter.

Morgan Freegirl: This week Kanye West called Lizzo fans demonic.

Henry: [exhaling] Okay. Alright, so you bringing up Kanye. All right. All right. It’s okay. I still like his music.

Morgan Freegirl: Kanye West also recently opened a private school.

Henry: Okay, a school. That’s good, right?

Morgan Freegirl: And says he has never read a book in his life.

Henry: Can I get a new topic?

Morgan Freegirl: Sure. Let’s switch gears to Tucker Carlson. Last night, Tucker Carlson sat down with Kanye West.
Henry: Hey man, have a heart. Come on.

Morgan Freegirl: You’re right, you’re right. Let’s go to the world of fashion.

Henry: Okay, thank you.

Morgan Freegirl: With a photo of Kanye.

[Cut to a picture of Kanye West wearing “White lives matter” shirt.]

[Cut to Henry burning his face with the iron]

Henry: Ah!

Morgan Freegirl: Oh, there we go. When we come back, we’ll show an 80 year old man an episode of euphoria and…

All: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

 

Eyes

Boss… Brendan Gleeson

Ego Nwodim

Bowen Yang

Janine… Sarah Sherman

Michael Longfellow

Carl… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with five colleagues in a meeting]

Boss: Alright guys, focus. Denver is counting on us to come up with new slogan for the city.

Ego: Okay, how about “Denver, sky’s the limit”?

Boss: That’s good. That’s really good.

Bowen: All right. I was thinking “Denver, gateway to the Rockies.”

Boss: All right, now we’re talking.

Janine: Ah, who even cares? [Janine is hiding her face]

Boss: Janine, you’ve had a bad attitude all morning. What’s the problem?

Janine: Oh, nothing, nothing. It’s just that nobody noticed.

Bowen: Noticed what?

Janine: Nobody noticed I got my eyes replaced. [Janine shows her eyes. It’s like a toy.]

Ego: No, no. Yeah, Janine. We definitely noticed.

Bowen: We had an emergency meeting about it the second you walked in the door.

Boss: Ultimately, we decided that legally it would be just be safest that we pretended we didn’t see it.

Michael: But  since you brought it up, why did you do this, Janine?

Janine: This is ridiculous. Nobody’s asking Luann about why she got a huge fake rack.

Ego: I literally didn’t.

Janine: Oh my god. Good for you.

Boss: Janine, I can’t help but feel you. Like, you’ve made a grave mistake.

Janine: Oh, don’t worry about it. It’s totally reversible. All I have to do is keep my old eyeballs refrigerated. Oh my god! Oh my god, no. Oh my god. I forgot to put my eyeballs in the refrigerator. Oh my god. Oh my god, no. [Janine pulls out her eyes our of her two pockers] They’ve been loose in my pockets for the last 72 hours. Oh my god, no. They’re still god, right? Can you smell them? And tell me if they’re still good. Right? And you guys are smelling them? And they’re good? I can’t see you guys’s reaction right now. I can’t read facial expressions.

Michael: Wait, your eyes are worse now?

Janine: Yes, 100%.

Ego: Then why did you do it?

Janine: To improve my appearance?

Bowen: But it looks worse.

Janine: It does? Oh my god. No!

[Carl walks in]

Carl: Hey, everybody, sorry. I’m late.

Janine: Hey, Carl, what do you think my new eyeballs?

Carl: And I’m going straight to church.

Janine: Guys, come on. Seriously? Let’s focus up, okay? We got a lot of business to take care of. Okay? Hey, how about this? “Denver City of Angels”?

Ego: That’s Los Angeles.

Janine: Oh my God, are you serious? Oh my god, no.

Bowen: Yeah, that’s famously Los Angeles.

Janine: Don’t be mean to me, okay? I can’t cry because the tears go back inside my head, and my brain will drown.

Boss: Your brain will drown? What are you talking about?

Janine: You know what? You people should be ashamed of yourselves. Today, you all put a woman’s body on trial.

Michael: You brought it up.

Janine: You know what? I came in this morning with a lot of great pitches. Pitches like “Denver, City of Angels.” “Denver, Keep Austin weird.”

Boss: You know, we can’t use that.

Janine: So I quit. And I’m leaving not in disgrace, but with dignity, elegance and class. I’m gonna be taking my portfolio with me. [grabs some cake]

Bowen: That’s coffee cake.

Janine: And of course, I will also be taking my jacket. [pulls out the curtain] And with that, ladies and gentlemen, I bid you all a Jew. [Janine walks and hits water cooler] Oh, oh my god. Allen. I didn’t know you were in here. You look amazing. See how easy that was? To pay a compliment to a friend?

Boss: Janine, that’s not a human being. That’s a water cooler.

Janine: I’ll leave you all with this. Life comes at you pretty fast. And if you blink, you just might miss it. And me? well, I’m not gonna miss a thing.

Boss: So, “Denver, if you blink, you will miss it.”

Ego: Yeah, I love that one.

Boss: You like that one?

Grimace

Birdie the Early Bird… Sarah Sherman

Ronald McDonald… Mikey Day

Hamburglar… Bowen Yang

Mayor McCheese… Kenan Thompson

Grimace… Miles Teller

[Starts with four characters from McDonald’s standing together in a jungle]

Birdie the Early Bird: Wow, it’s so great. McDonald’s is getting the gang back together for a new ad campaign.

Ronald McDonald: Totally. This is gonna be so fun. Hey, has anyone seen Grimace?

Hamburglar: No, but if I know him, he’s snarfing down a couple of free Game burgers.

[all laughing]

Birdie the Early Bird: Hey, probably more than a couple, huh?

Grimace: Hi, everyone. [Grimace walked in all jacked up]

Ronald McDonald: What the—?

Grimace: Hey fellas, hello.

Birdie the Early Bird: Grimace? Oh my god Did you—

Grimace: Lose 300 pounds this summer? Yeah.

Ronald McDonald: Man you You look incredible. I had no idea—

Grimace: I lost 300 pounds and got totally yoked up? Yeah.

Hamburglar: Okay, so then how did you—

Grimace: Drop 300 and get stacked to the heavens? Well, I started walking to work. Drink a lot of water and oh, I also stopped eating McDonald’s for every meal.

Ronald McDonald: Well, I’m happy for you. Paula must be thrilled.

Grimace: Oh, well yes, she’s happy for me. But yeah, we got divorced.

Birdie the Early Bird: Oh, no. You guys were so solid. What happened?

Grimace: Well, I got this new body and— Look, I hate to say it fellas, but I was swerving this summer.

Hamburglar: Swerving? What swerving?

Grimace: Cheating constantly on my wife.

Ronald McDonald: Cool. So look, maybe we shoot that commercial? Yeah?

Grimace: Absolutely, man. It’s your world. It’s been a long summer of self discovery. And I just want you to know, if you do the work and dig really deep, I promise you would find some surprises. Anyway, let’s do this brother. I’m excited.

Ronald McDonald: Okay, great. Everyone ready?

All: Yeah.

Ronald McDonald: And action.

[music playing]

Birdie the Early Bird: I wanna make double.

Hamburglar: I wanna steal your hamburgers.

Ronald McDonald: I want to give the whole world a happy meal.

Grimace: And I, well I’m a bisexual man.

Ronald McDonald: And cut! Cut.

Grimace: Wow, felt really good to say that.

Birdie the Early Bird: Grimace? You’re bisexual?

Grimace: Yeah, I like both. This summer I realized that. I was getting off a plane. And when I said bye to the flight attendants, one of them shook my hand and kissed it. And I realized I like both.

Hamburglar: Okay, congrats Grimace.

Grimace: And I’d like to say that I’m bi in commercial. It’s really important to me and I don’t even really eat McDonald’s anymore.

Ronald McDonald: Yeah, well, let me think about that.

Birdie the Early Bird: Hey, if you’re happy, we’re happy.

Grimace: Happy? Yeah.

Grimace thinking: Am I happy? Yeah, I don’t know. I think I am happy.

Grimace: Guys, I have some pretty big news. I’m bisexual.

Birdie the Early Bird: Yeah, you said that already.

Grimace:  Well, it’s just liberating to let go of a secret but I guess you guys wouldn’t understand.

Mayor McCheese: Well, I got a secret.

Hamburglar: Oh my god, ham and cheese.

Ronald McDonald: I forgot you were there. You literally haven’t said a thing since we’ve been here.

Mayor McCheese: Well, the thing is, I ain’t always have a cheeseburger for head. See when I was a young man, I was actually a human prince. One day I went to McDonald’s. Outside on the street, man, was the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen. She looked busted. Shorty had bumps on her nose, asking me to buy her a burger. Anyway. Long story short, I threw a bunch of brand new burgers in the trash. Next thing you know, man, she zapped me. That’s how I got this cheeseburger head. Also, I’m bisexual. I like both.

Grimace: Hell, yeah.

Birdie the Early Bird and Hamburglar: We’re bi too.

Grimace: Ronald, how about you, haul? You bi?

Ronald McDonald: Sure I’m bi… buying a peloton, so I can start swerving like Grimace.

[cut to McDonald’s outro]

Male voice: Pa-ra-pa-pa-pa, I’m lovin’ both.

50s Baseball Broadcast

Lyle O’ Riley… Mikey Day

Diz Newsome… Sarah Sherman

Walt… James Austin Johnson

[Starts with commentators in Yankee Stadium, 1951. The video is black and white.]

Lyle O’ Riley: No score as we head into the bottom of the 3rd Yankees White Sox. Lyle O’ Riley for WNYC radio alongside Hall of Famer Diz Newsome.

Diz Newsome: Gorgeous day for all ballgame.

Lyle O’ Riley: It is. Before we get back to the action on the field, let’s go to Walt Hall for a word from our sponsors. Walt?

Walt: WNYX Yankees coverage is brought to you by Shmack Men’s department store. Hey, where’d you get that Blaine brown suit and plain brown hat? Why? Shmack Men’s of course. Now back to the ballgame.

Lyle O’ Riley: Thank you. Walt. Diz, glad you made it in today. I understand you were feeling a little under the weather this morning.

Diz Newsome: Oh, yeah. Stuffy head, sore throat, the works. So luckily my doctor prescribed me this new cold medicine called methamphetamine. Yeah. It just knocked my cold right out.

Lyle O’ Riley: Well, glad you’re feeling better.

Diz Newsome: Oh, I’m excited. I’m feeling chatty. Like I could talk about everything forever.

Lyle O’ Riley: All right, well, this methamphetamine medicine did the trick. And Gene Wendling comes to the plate. 15 for 25 this season against lefty pitches.

Diz Newsome: I mean not bad for an alcoholic.

Lyle O’ Riley: All right. Don’t say that, Diz.

Diz Newsome: Hey, you see now Wood Ling’s wife. Mama Mia. Okay. 22 years old. The tush on that woman like soldiers hair cut, high and tight.

Lyle O’ Riley: Alright, let’s not talk about another man’s wife like that, Diz. And here’s the pitch.

Diz Newsome: And it’s out of here.

Lyle O’ Riley: No, except it’s not. Pop fly directly over home plate.

Diz Newsome: You know what? I’m gonna take another cold pill so I don’t get stuffy.

Lyle O’ Riley: Okay, sounds good Diz. Jolting Joe DiMaggio is headed to the plate. Or should I say Mr. Marilyn Monroe.

Diz Newsome: How the hell did Joe DiMaggio, the ugliest son of a bitch in baseball snag that bra?

Lyle O’ Riley: Alright, watch the language, Diz.

Diz Newsome: I mean, you know he’s Italian, right?

Lyle O’ Riley: Okay.

Diz Newsome: Italians aren’t even white.

Lyle O’ Riley: Okay. Please don’t say that, Diz. And here’s the pitch. Lne drawn past third.

Diz Newsome: And it’s out of here.

Lyle O’ Riley: No, it’s not. It is not. But DiMaggio easily makes it to first.

Diz Newsome: Ah, yeah. Question. How much money would you pay to sniff Marilyn Monroe’s bedsheet?

Lyle O’ Riley: Okay. I’m not going to answer that because that is inappropriate.

Diz Newsome: Oh, no, it’s not. Inappropriate would be something like “How do you fit for hookers on one chair? You turn it upside down.”

Lyle O’ Riley: Oh my god. No Diz. How about a sponsor ID, Walt?

Walt: Today’s coverage is brought to you by Micha the businessman Scotch.

Lyle O’ Riley: Thank you, Walt. One out. Runner on first and rookie Mickey Mantle is coming to the plate.

Diz Newsome: Another boo sound.

Lyle O’ Riley: All right. A lot of folks are saying this kid’s power reminds them of a young Babe Ruth.

Diz Newsome: I mean, yeah, the story about Babe Ruth in Cleveland, right? [phone ringing] [oh phone] Hah? Of course. [hangs up the phone] Well, the station manager told me not to tell the story about Babe Ruth. It’s real shame because it’s wanted.

Lyle O’ Riley: Okay, maybe lay off that cold medicine, Diz. Mantle squaring up at the plate.

Diz Newsome: Hah! What the hell, right? Okay, so, Ruth’s down the road in Cleveland.

Lyle O’ Riley: Pitch is low by one.

Diz Newsome: I mean, it’s about midnight after the game. Babe is drunk as a skunk, looking for what else? Horse and hotdogs.

Lyle O’ Riley: Please stop and right winds up.

Diz Newsome: Okay, so nothing’s open and Babe is starving.

Lyle O’ Riley: The pitch ball two.

Diz Newsome: So he sees this little street kid about 10 years old and Babe Ruth, he ate him.

Lyle O’ Riley: No. No. He did not.

Diz Newsome: Babe Ruth was so hungry that he ate a child alive.

Lyle O’ Riley: No. He did not. And is ball three.

Diz Newsome: He did.

Lyle O’ Riley: He did not.

Diz Newsome: He did. Clothes and all.

Lyle O’ Riley: Babe Ruth was famously kind to children. 3-0 is the count.

Diz Newsome: Well, he ate one.

Lyle O’ Riley: No.

Diz Newsome: Hey, if you’re listening to this and you’re in your car, and you’re stuck in traffic, I have an idea. Just gun it.

Lyle O’ Riley: Don’t do that.

Diz Newsome: Slam the gas and see what happens.

Lyle O’ Riley: No, he’s joking. Don’t do that.

Diz Newsome: I’m not.

Lyle O’ Riley: Ball four, bases loaded.

Diz Newsome: You know, I have some observations on different races.

Lyle O’ Riley: No, no, no. Let’s hear from our sponsor.

Walt: I kind of want to hear this.

Bratz Dolls

Mom… Heidi Gardner

Father… Kyle Mooney

Girl… Sarah Sherman

Jade… Selena Gomez

Gigi… Aidy Bryant

Dylan… Bowen Yang

[Starts with a mother and a father talking to their daughter]

Mom: No nothing has to change, sweetie. And none of this is your fault.

Girl: But I don’t want you guys to get a divorce.

Dad: Don’t worry, we still love you very much.

Mom: And your dad loves a woman named Julia. We just think separating is what’s best for the family.

Girl: I think I just want to be alone if that’s okay.

Dad: Sure, honey. We’re here if you need us.

Girl: I guess this is growing up. Hmm. I wish I could talk to you guys about this. I can’t believe my dolls are my only friends. [magical sound. The three dolls come to life] Wow, what’s happening?

Gigi: Hey, tiny bitch.

Dylan: Sounds like you’re in a crisis.

Jade: And we’re your friends. So we’re here to help you.

Girl: Wait, what? Who are you guys?

[music playing]

Dylan: Well, we’re a global fashion sensation.

Jade: Sexy dolls for preteens.

Gigi: We are your Bratz doll.

All: We are girls with a passion for fashion clothes.

Ba-da-da Bratz, Pam-pa-pam-pam Bratz

Girl: Bratz? You’re alive?

Gigi: Stupid queen. We watch over you every day. Like God but slutty.

Jade: We come to life every time a girl’s parents gets a divorce.

Dylan: Yeah, and we’re for girls who are too old for Claire’s, but too young for Talbots.

Jade: Jade. I have a flip phone boat, a dog salon, and I fight with my boyfriend a lot.

Gigi: I’m Gigi. I used to be an American Girl doll until I found sex.

Dylan: And me, I’m Dylan. I’m a boy Bratz. I have a hard time making male friends because we’re competitive about sports and girls.

Girl: Bratz, can you help me? I just feel like my parents divorce is all my fault.

Jade: Shut the hell up, you fluff. Your mom, she’s like a bitch.

Gigi: But what’s the deal with your dad? He’s interesting to us.

Girl: I don’t love how you asked that. I guess he’s a research analyst.

Dylan: That’s weird. He seems like a DJ who loves bottle service.

Girl: No.

Jade: Hot. What does his new girlfriend look like? Brunette? Blonde?

Gigi: Yeah. Or is she, like, a doll with giant eyes and platform flip flops?

Dylan: Or is she boy like me?

Girl: What? I just don’t get why my dad doesn’t love my mom anymore.

Gigi: Umm, I’ll tell you why. He probably likes girls who wear huge hats and have lips like this.

Girl: Okay, guys, I’m seriously having a hard time here. Don’t you have any real advice for me?

Jade: Yes. Always remember, be true. Be real. Be Bratz.

Girl: Okay, I’ll try that.

Gigi: Hey, no, we’re not done yet. Also be authentic. And be a bitch to every waiter you see.

She: All right, thank you.

Dylan: Stop interrupting us. Never forget, be a boy and then come out to your family as Bratz. And when they disown you, make these girls your chosen family.

All: Ba-da-da Chosen, Pam-pa-pam-pam Family

Girl: Okay, well, I still feel kind of sad. Can I have a hug?

Dylan: Um, no, sorry. We’re holding stuff.

Girl: No, you’re not.

Gigi: We might be later though.

Dylan: Yeah.

Girl: Okay, can you guys just shrink down and go back to being dolls now?

All: No.

Jade: We’re going to Miami with your dad.

All: Ha-ha-ha. Ba-da-da Bratz, Pam-pa-pam-pam Bitch.