Category: 2021

Please Dont Destroy Three Sad Virgins ft Taylor Swift

Ben Marshall

John Higgins

Martin Herlihy

Pete Davidson

Taylor Swift

[Starts with Ben Marshall, John Higgins and Martin Herlihy at their office.]

Ben Marshall: Just feels like the whole thing is there.

[door knocking]

John Higgins: Come on in.

[Pete Davidson walks in]

Pete Davidson: Hey, what’s up, boys?

Ben Marshall: Hey, Pete in the house.

Martin Herlihy: The king of Staten Island himself.

Pete Davidson: What?

Martin Herlihy: Nothing. What’s up?

Pete Davidson: Well, I just want to say first off you guys have been making some really fun videos for the show this year.

Ben Marshall: Thank you, man. That’s very nice.

Pete Davidson: It got me thinking. I was like, we should all do a video together. I had this idea where maybe we could do like a music video about how we’re all like best friends and how we’re like boys.

Ben Marshall: Then we would be in it with you.

Pete Davidson: Yeah, you guys would be the boys. So, yeah.

John Higgins: Yeah. Oh my god.

Pete Davidson: Let’s do it.

[music video starts]

Pete Davidson: Yeah, it’s Pete, PDD. Let’s go.

[rapping] Another day in the life of Pete
just sitting in the court side seat
People want to take my picture with selfie sticks
that winds up on page six
It’s never ending, everyday I’m trending
people want to see the text that I’m sending
All my friends are cool and famous
Except these three sad virgins

Three sad virgins, woh
Three sad virgins, woh
Three sad virgins, woh
Three sad virgins, woh

Ben Marshall: Hey, can we timeout for a second?

Pete Davidson: Yeah. What’s going on, guys? Having fun?

John Higgins: I’m having a blast. Quick question. Is this about us?

Pete Davidson: Which part?

Martin Herlihy: I guess the three sad virgin part?

Ben Marshall: Like, we have had sex. Maybe not super recently. But…

Pete Davidson: Guys, it’s just a parody video. You guys are just playing characters.

Martin Herlihy: Characters.

Ben Marshall: So, people won’t think it’s us.

Pete Davidson: It’s not about you at all.

[back to music video]

[rapping] The names are Martin, Ben and John
And they’ve worked at the show on Monday
just don’t have any swag
they’re tall and weird and sad

John’s loud but not very smart

Ben’s breath kind of smells like a fart
and Martin’s penis tip is way to red
at least that’s what his doctor said

Three sad virgins, woh

Three sad virgins, woh

John Higgins: Oh my god.

Martin Herlihy: That was my real doctor.

Ben Marshall: I gotta say something.

John Higgins: Yeah, you should. Yeah.

Ben Marshall: Pete.

Pete Davidson: What’s up?

Ben Marshall: We love it.

All: We love it.

Ben Marshall: I just had one like tiny thought.

John Higgins: This guy’s notes. leave it as it is. It’s rockin, dude

Pete Davidson: Do you have an ashtray by any chance? [John Higgins gives him his palm to put the ash on] Oh, yeah. Thanks.

Ben Marshall: Only the thing is, maybe it could just be like completely different.

Pete Davidson: Oh, okay.

Martin Herlihy: Oh, maybe it’s something topical like, Dune’s a big movie.

Ben Marshall: Something with Dune.

John Higgins: A Dune rap.

Pete Davidson: Alright. Alright, guys. It’s now a Dune rap. So, let’s get some [bleep] sand in here. Alright.

[rapping] The planet Dune is very nice
it’s a world that’s made a spice
it’s Sandy like a plier was Zendaya
I’m gonna ride a worm and these guys suck

Three sad virgins, what?
Three sad virgins on Dune

John Higgins: Why is he humiliating us? Ben, why are you dressed as Wendy from Wendy’s?

Ben Marshall: I can’t give you through it.
Martin Herlihy: Why are we up here?

John Higgins: He said we’re like the flying sad sag.

Ben Marshall: You know what? We can’t stand for this.

[Ben Marshall tries to get off the ropes, then falls down]

Pete Davidson: Are you guys ready to go again?

All: No.

Ben Marshall: We can’t do this anymore. Okay? It’s humiliating.

Pete Davidson: Damn, guys. I’m sorry. I thought this would be a fun thing for all of us. If it’s not then, let’s just end it.

John Higgins: Thanks, Pete.

Martin Herlihy: Thank you.

Pete Davidson: I mean, after we do the bridge.

John Higgins: Wait, what bridge?

[Taylor Swift walks in]

Taylor Swift: Hey, Pete.

Pete Davidson: Oh, hey, Taylor.

Taylor Swift: [singing] Ben is like a sad Ron Weasley
he looks like if Big Bird lost all his feathers
And Martin has the charm and sex appeal of a scarecrow
John has a big ass bowling ball head
How does he stay upright with that big fat head
and none of them have the guts to take their shirts off in front of a girl

Three sad virgins, what? 
Three sad virgins, who
Three sad virgins, what?
Three sad virgins, woh
and they’re gonna die alone

Pastor Announcement

Harold… Kenan Thompson

Pastor… Jonathan Majors

Carolyn… Ego Nwodim

Corinne… Aidy Bryant

Christine… Melissa Villaseñor

George… Chris Redd

Punkie Johnson

Travis… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Pastor at a church podium]

Harold: You get what you give
and it’s all how you use it

[Pastor and Carolyn walk forward]

Pastor: Wow. Wow. Thank you, Herold, for that beautiful rendition of god is a DJ by P.

Carolyn: Um-hmm. And it’s our honor and pleasure to welcome you to the first damn Baptist Church.

Pastor: I am Pastor JR Jr. and this is my wife Carolyn. We’re so glad to be with you today.

Carolyn: And it’s so good to see you again, sister Corinne. You’re looking much better.

Corinne: Thank you. I had a facelift.

Pastor: Now, the First Lady and I have an announcement because we have no secrets in this church. Can I get an Amen?

All: Amen.

Carolyn: Now, we have shared 24 beautiful years of marriage. And also last year. Can I get an oh no?

All: Oh, no.

Pastor: That’s right. Till death do us part. And since I can’t kill this woman, I have decided that we are going to open up our marriage.

Carolyn: That’s right. Hallelu-we-are open for business.

Pastor: And it’s hard. It’s hard to talk about in front of the congregation, not because it’s wrong, but because we are only romantically interested in some of you.

Carolyn: Those people have already been notified via perfumed invitation. If you did not receive an invitation. I’m sorry, it’s gonna be a no for me, dog.

Harold: Well, what the hell is wrong with me?

Pastor: Harold, I’m sorry. We just don’t see you that way.

Harold: Well, I am shocked.

Christine: I’m excited to maybe date you guys. So how will this work?

Pastor: We’ll be on many apps. For example, Tinder.

Carolyn: Grindr.

Pastor: Hinge.

Carolyn: Google Earth.

Pastor: Angie’s List.

Carolyn: Coffee Meets Penis.

Pastor: And anyone can invite us to Raya, please do.

Harold: Well, I’m on Raya.

Carolyn: No, you’re not, Harold.

Harold: You right.

George: I have a question. Um, open marriage? Is that what I have?

Pastor: No, George, you are just cheating on your wife.

George: Well, do you think she knows?

Punkie: Well, I do now.

Pastor: If you’re wondering where all this came from, we were talking about our hall passes, and she said hers was Barack Obama.

Carolyn: Then he said his list Travis who sings bass in the church choir.

Pastor: And she said, “You know what? I want to change mine to Travis.”

Travis: Wait. I’m Travis.

Carolyn: Correct. It’s something about you. You’re weird, but in a sexy way.

Travis: Aw. Amen.

Pastor: I’m shocked. You’re also engaged right now because certainly some of us are preaching and I don’t get a “Yes, Pastor”, not a “Amen, Pastor.”

Christine: [wearing her lipstick] Yes, Pastor.

Pastor: Christine. Did you just put on a bunch of lipstick?

Christine: That depends. Do you like it?

Carolyn: Now, what are y’all even doing?

Corinne: [showing her cleavage] Well, my shirt fell down.

George: [showing his stomach] My shirt rolled up.

Carolyn: Alright. Now, y’all just being thirsty.

Pastor: Don’t throw it at us. Why don’t you go around and tell us why you think you should be our first.

Harold: [standing] Alright.

Carolyn: Harold, you wanna sit your ass down.

Pastor: We value your friendship too much.

Harold: I know what that means. Friendzoned by my pastor.

Pastor: You know, actually before y’all answer, why don’t we tell you what we’re into. So, here’s a list of the role plays we enjoy. Doctor-nurse.

Carolyn: Girl dog-boy dog.

Pastor: Baseball manager and umpire in a fight.

Carolyn: Jenna and Hodor.

Corinne: But, do you mean Hoda?

Carolyn: I sure don’t.

Pastor: Now, in terms of lovemaking.

Carolyn: Positions we enjoy include missionary. List is over. You have to know we are pastors.

Harold: You sure? Coz I’ve got these nimble organ fingers.

Carolyn: Harold, shut your ass up. You have one job, play the organ.

Harold: One day I’m gonna walk out that door and you are going to miss this.

Carolyn: No. Alright. Well, we got to go ahead and wrap this up. We’ve got our first date with a nice lady who works at a chicken fillet. And today his holiday off it’s Sunday.

Pastor: Can I get my freak on?

All: Freak on! Amen.

March of the Suitors

Assistant… Mikey Day

Queen… Chloe Fineman

Thomas… Kyle Mooney

Rafi… Andrew Dismukes

Josephine… Cecily Strong

Milk Maker… Heidi Gardener

Lady Eloise… Aidy Gardner

Prince Harwey… Jonathan Majors

Archanbald… Kenan Thompson

Ego Nwodim

Tawnie… Punkie Johnson

[Starts with channel intro]

Male voice: You’re watching the History Channel. At nine it’s “Pardon My Reich: Hitler’s Personal Waiters”. Now we return to “Forgotten Monarchs”.

Male voice: Queen Matilda the First assumed the throne at the age of 19. Within days of a coronation, the search for husband began with a tradition known as the march of the suitors.

[Cut to queen with her assistants.]

Assistant: My queen, men of both noble and common blood have come from far and wide to win your hand. Are you ready to greet your suitors?

Queen: Um, sure.

Assistant: The Queen says sure. [claps] And now let the march begin. First, oh dear, how uncomfortable my leash, presenting the Queen’s guy friend who’s in love with her, but she doesn’t like him in that way. Thomas of Sneed Lo.

[Thomas walks in]

Thomas: Wow, you look gorgeous

Queen: I told you Thomas. I don’t like you like that.

Thomas: At least tell me what I could change about myself for you to consider marrying me.

Queen: I mean, literally all of it.

Thomas: Okay, I can work with that. Hey, remember our inside joke? Strawberry food.

Queen: No. Thomas. Please just go.

Assistant: No. Next, oh, a commoner my leash. Presenting peasant boy Rafi Buckets and his dirty mother Josephine Buckets.

[Rafi Buckets and his mother walk in]

Josephine: Well, I will not tell you, miss. My son Rafi I know so much. He poor and dumb and filthy. But this idiot got a huge sausage. We figure it out when he wasn’t even born. Alright, the milk maker too. She’s seen it.

Milk Maker: It’s crazy, my lady. Thank you, my lady.

Josephine: Do you wanna take a peek? Drop your pants loose, boy. Show him.

Lady Eloise: Oh! Behold! The new king of England!

Queen: No. No. No. No. It takes more than that to win my heart. Farewell.

Lady Eloise: My grace. No one has more than that.

Assistant: Lady Eloise! Next from the Moroccan shores, presenting the mighty warrior Prince, Harwey, the conqueror.

[Prince Harwey walks in with Archanbald playing the drums]

Archanbald: All hail. Prince Harwey.

Prince Harwey: Your Majesty. As your king, I will spoil you with Rich’s, loyalty and of course, pleasure.

Archanbald: Prince Harwey, the great satisfier of women.

TawnieEgo: I’ll be damned. I’m sorry, your Highness. This isn’t a rich Prince. This is my dumbass husband, Dave. A two cans salesman with six kids.

Assistant: Shall I send them away my leash?

Queen: No. Let them say. I love the drama.

Ego: So, what’s up Dave? You got a seven year itch? So you’re joining the march of the damn suttas? Dressed up in a stupid ass BONE ARMOR and get your idiot best friend and bang a drum and call you mighty Prince Harwey?

Archanbald: Um, Prince Harwey?

Ego: Shut up, Archanbald. What the hell are you doing Dave?

Prince Harwey: Being stupid.

Ego: Yeah, being stupid. That’s all you have to say?

Prince Harwey: You look pretty.

Ego: Boy, shut up. We’re going home prince Who-Ha, great satisfier of women. This way. I’m gonna satisfy really.

Assistant: My leash. Next, presenting lady Tawnie of Milford Shile.

[Tawnie walks in]

Tawnie: Love. I noticed a long shot but I thought, “Hey, you know, this girl cute as hell, man.” I might as well just moss my lazy ass all down to the castle and see if she down to clown around.

Queen: I know I like boys. But whenever I have wine I always end up making out with my girlfriends.

Lady Eloise: She does. It’s a thing.

Queen: So, come to the world feasts tonight and we’ll see what happens. Yeah?

Tawnie: Well, this day just got nuts.

Male voice: When we return the story of Mad Queen Tawnie The Terrible

Man Park

Pete Davidson

Ego Nwodim

Alex Moffat

Heidi Gardner

Sarah Sherman

Chloe Fineman

Kyle Mooney

James Austin Johnson

Aristotle Athari

[Starts with 1 sitting on a couch at his home]

Female voice: According to studies, many men say they have no close friendships. [2 walks in the door] And three and four report receiving all their emotional support from their wife or girlfriend. Often the moment they come home from work.

[Pete walks to Ego]

Pete: Hi, how are you? I miss you. Am I balding? Dune?

Ego: Okay, cool. Hi, honey.

Pete: Vin Diesel has a twin brother.

Ego: Oh, honey.

[Cut to Alex an Heidi]

Heidi: When I walk in the door, my husband sort of rockets information at me for 25 minutes straight.

[cut to Alex talking to Heidi]

Alex: On a football team there’s 11 players, but with rugby there’s 15.

Heidi: And all the words come out fast and in the wrong order, because he hasn’t spoken to anyone else that day.

Ego: [to Pete] I need you to go out of the house and make a friend so you talk to other people about this stuff. And not just me.

Pete: That’s insane. Where would I even go?

Female voice: Finally, there’s a place. With Man Park, it’s like a dog park but for guys in relationships, so they can make friends and have an outlet besides their girlfriends and wives.

[Pete walks to Alex in the park]

Pete: Rise and grind?

Alex: Rise and grind.

[they shake their hands]

Pete: [to other men] Rise and grind brother.

[Ego and Heidi looking at their husbands happily]

Ego: They’re networking.

Heidi: They’re doing so good.

Sarah: [to Chloe] Which one’s yours?

Chloe: He’s a little shy. [pointing at her husband. He’s hiding under the table.] Go say hi.

Female voice: It’s not their fault masculinity makes intimacy so hard.

Chloe: [whispering to Kyle] You got this.

[Kyle walks to other men]

Kyle: Marvel?

Alex: Marvel.
James: Marvel.

Kyle: Marvel?

Alex: Marvel.

James: Marvel.

[they start saying “Marvel” happily with each other.]

Female voice: We know not all men get along. So, there are separate parks for large breeds.

Alex: Pats.

James: Raven.

Alex: Pats.

James: Raven.

Alex: Pats.

James: Raven.

Female voice: And small breeds.

Pete: Rick.

Andrew: Morty.

Pete: Rick.

Andrew: Morty.

Pete: Rick.

Andrew: Morty.

Female voice: There’s room for all their favorite male bonding activities.

Men singing: Coz I miss the bright side

Female voice: And after they run around and yell, they can cool down with an IPA and really connect real talk.

Andrew: Real talk. Who’s the GOAT?? Michael Jordan? OR Tom Brady?

Aristotle: How about Bo Burnham?

[Andrew drops his glass of beer]

Andrew: Will you be my best man?

Melissa: You’re not even engaged yet.

Ego: I’m so glad he has someone else to talk to.

Pete: Hey, hey, did you know Vin Diesel has a twin brother?

Alex: What? Amazing!

Ego: Why is that what they’re talking about?

Heidi: Men are taught that it’s weak to rely on each other. So, I guess in that way, and don’t quote me on this, It’s harder to be a man. Wait, no. Is this filming don’t show my face saying that.

Male voice: Man Park. Ladies get in free.

Jonathan Majors Monologue

Jonathan Majors

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Jonathan Majors.

[Jonathan Majors walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Jonathan Majors: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. I’m excited to be here. It’s exciting. My name is 1. I’m in a new Netflix The Harder They Fall alongside Edris Elba. It was fun. It was fun filming that movie. But if you ever want to feel bad about how you look, definitely spend two months standing right next to Edris Elba.

Growing up, I’m a military brat. My father was in the Air Force. My mother’s a pastor. So. hallelujah. And I moved around a lot. I like to say I was born in California, raised in Texas, educated in North Carolina, roughed up in New York City and then re educated in New Haven, Connecticut. Which I guess is my roundabout way of saying yeah, I went to Yale.

It’s wild. It’s really wild to be here on this stage. When they told me I was gonna host SNL. I said that’s impossible. For real. I mean, it’s been crazy. It’s been a crazy journey. When I was 17, I was homeless, living in my car, working at Red Lobster and Olive Garden. But you know what? I learned from that experience. You know what I learned? That Red Lobster and Olive Garden are owned by the same parent company. So, you can work in both places with no problem. Side note, it’s crazy how many people got their start at Red Lobster. Both Nicki Minaj and Chris Rock worked there. Now I don’t know what they put in them Cheddar Bay Biscuits but it’s working.

Really, that experience it taught me a lot. It taught me that work hard, if you trust the plan, great things can happen. I’ve got a beautiful daughter. I’m gonna be in the next Marvel Ant-man movie. Or as the black community likes to call it, not Black Panther. And now I am indeed hosting Saturday Night Live. I remember the moment when the way of all that kind of hit me, it finally sank in, I was laying in bed looking at the ceiling and all of a sudden, I got this huge burst of energy, excitement, boom, schedule boy. Something big just happened. And it was okay that it was big. You know? You couldn’t let that bigness scare you and I thought back to this advice my grandpa always gave me. He’d say, “Grandson, everything’s big at first. But you walk up on it, you face it, pretty soon is so small you can put it in your pocket.” Which incidentally is the tagline for the next Ant-man movie.

Alright, look. We got a great show for you all tonight. Taylor Swift is in the house. So, stick around. We’ll be right back.

Audacity in Advertising Awards

Jake… Jonathan Majors

Flo… Heidi Gardner

Intern… Andrew Dismukes

Human Friend… Alex Moffat

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: Live from the Fox Con Empathy is the Audacity in Advertising Awards. With your hosts Jake from State Farm and Flo from Progressive.

[Jake and Flo walk in]

Flo: Good evening.

Jake: Commercials, they’re tiny movies they play during TV. I love being the face of StateFarm.

Flo: And I signed 100 billion year contract with Progressive and I love that too.

Jake: We’re here tonight to crown the winners of the 2021 Audacity and Advertising awards.

Flo: Also known as the Pepsi’s.

Jake: The Commercials make us buy, make us cry. They make a shout, “How dare you and our TVs?”

Flo: Because these days it’s no longer enough to ask where’s the beef? We must also ask how can it be diversity? We’re so excited to celebrate the most egregious ads of the year. Our first nominee is a moving conversation between a father and son.

[Cut to the commercial. Intern is talking to his dad online.]

Son: Did mom know?

Father: She knew. We still loved each other. I never felt like it was right for me to come out while you guys were still kids. I don’t know what to say.

Son: It’s okay, dad. I miss mom.

Father: Me too. [crying] I’ve wasted my life.

Female voice: Facebook Portal. Share something real.

[cut back to Jake and Flo]

Jake: Wow. Wow. That must have sold a lot of Facebooks.

Flo: Truly stunning.

Jake: We’ll be seeing more of these later in the evening.

Flo: We have so many amazing awards to give out tonight. Like ‘most outrageous use of sign language’ and ‘don’t you make landmines?’

Jake: But first one of my favorite categories, Flo it’s so exciting when you can tell a company doesn’t know how it’s received.

Flo: It can be even more exciting when it feels like they aren’t even sure what it is the thing that they do.

Jake: Here are the nominees for using what to sell what?

[Cut to the ad.]

Flo: Dolphin covered in oil, thrashes in pain, kind fisherman comes and wipes it off. BP.

Jake: Children hold hands over borer wall. O’Neill’s Titanium Border Walls.

Flo: Two undocumented lesbians getting prison married. Sargento cheese.

[Cut back to Jake and Flo]

Jake: And the winner is … BP. The ad execs of this company prefer not to come up here tonight because they are embarrassed. Here to accept the award on their behalf is their newest intern.

[Intern walks to the stage and accepts the award]

Intern: Oh, wow. Oh, man. Thank you. This is crazy. Oh, I started two days ago and now I’m on TV. I want to thank my supervisor for showing me where the free Clif Bars are. And yeah, that’s the only person I’ve met. Go interns. Whooo!

Jake: Thank you.

Flo: He will go far. And now on a more serious note, companies can’t last forever. Let’s take a moment to remember the ones we sadly lost this year.

[Cut to commercials]

Quibi, tubi, vubu, boopi, titi, Duku and fupa TV. We will miss most of you.

Jake: And now, here to present the category you’ve all been waiting for. Please welcome the Limu Emu and his human friend.

[Cut to Limu Emu and Human Friend]

Human Friend: Hey, everybody. Yeah, glad to be here. Limu Emu, anything to add?

Limu Emu: Aflac.

Human Friend: Dude, stop. That’s not us. I told you that. God I hate that we’re married. Oh my god. Nope. Nope. Here are the nominees for most egregious ad of the year 2021.

[Cut to the commercials]

Melissa: When I was little, my school burned in a fire. Ever since then, I’ve dreamed of being a fireman. Driving for Amazon gives me the flexibility to go to firefighter school online while I drive. Today, I’m on my way to being a real firefighter. God bless you Amazon.

Female voice: Amazon, god bless us.

[Cut to another commercial]

Female voice: This baby is trans, Feliz Navidad, from the Sacklers.

[Cut back to Jake and Flo]

Jake: Wow. Absolutely Craven.

Flo: We’ll be back with the winner and other exciting categories.

Male voice: Up next, a performance from Renee Fleming of the music from 1-877-Kars-4-Kids.

Broadway Benefit

Aidy Bryant

Brad… Kyle Mooney

Brick… Bowen Yang

Bliab… Cecily Strong

Tennyson Hartley… Jonathan Majors

[Starts with audience talking to each other at Broadway Benefit.]

Aidy: Well, thanks for buying the tickets to this Broadway Benefit, Brad.

Brad: Well, they’ve been closed for a year for covid. I wanted to support. So, the headliners are life in brick. Who are they again?

Aidy: Oh, just two of the biggest Broadway legends ever. [to daughter] Honey. Mommy used to come to see this review every holiday season when she was a little girl. It’s fun for the whole family.

Brad: Oh, look, it’s starting.

[Cut to the show. Brick walks to Bliab who is sitting at a table drinking martini]

Bliab: Brig, you son of a bitch. What the hell are you doing in my house?

Brick: Oh, you gave me a set of keys when you were blacked out drunk. Blaib. Remember, you batty brah?

Bliab: Oh, if you’re gonna flirt with me like that, I hope you brought rubbers.

Brick: Hah! Not in this lifetime, you cow.

Brad:  Are you sure this is appropriate for kids?

Aidy: Yeah. It’s a little harder than I remember. But my parents brought me every year. So, don’t worry. The songs are really cute.

Brick: So, what are you getting up to, Bliab, besides drugs?

Bliab: Oh, you’re the one to talk?

Brick: Well, why talk when we can sing?

Bliab: You go for dough

Brick: Well, you like pills

Bliab: Well, you love powder

Brick: We both love powder

Brick and Bliab: Everybody today is doing drugs
Sound go for dots, some go for weed

Bliab: Some girls like acid

Brick: This boy likes speed

Brick and Bliab: Everybody today is doing drugs

Brad: Is this whole song about drugs? Your parents really brought you to this?

Aidy: I guess I didn’t really know what it meant. It’s fine. It’s going over her head.

Brad: Okay, who’s that man crawling through the window?

Brick and Bliab: Dad’s legend, Tennyson Hartley, as I live and breathe.

Tennyson: Did I miss the party?

Brick: Why didn’t you just talk through the door?

Tennyson: Because, I’m high as a kite.

Brick, Bliab and Tennyson: Some say, if you feel a little down
you simply go right into town

Brick: And get yourself some candy

Tennyson: He means nose candy

Brick, Bliab and Tennyson: You don’t have the money you can get a little handy

Brad: No. No, no, no, no. That’s not okay. We shouldn’t go.

Aidy: Well, but Tennyson is about to dance and that’s what he’s known for. He’s incredible.

[Tennyson is dancing and it’s a very bad dance]

Brick: Wow!

Bliab: You still got it, Tennyson.

Tennyson: Hey, I know Christmas is still away but why don’t we do our secret Santa early?

Brick: Sure! I got you coke.

Tennyson: I got you blunt.

Bliab: Oh, I got you too.

Brick: And I got you snow.

Bliab: Coke, coke, coke
I’m into the speedy snow

Brick, Bliab and Tennyson: Coke, coke, coke, coke, cocaine!
Some day, that there’s not better type of high
the shooting speed right in your eye
but don’t tell the cop

Tennyson: I might have taken poppers

Bliab: I did so much LSD

Brick, Bliab and Tennyson: Nobody can stop her
K is fine
T is swell
I don’t know how qualu spell
U-U-A-A-L-L-U-U-A
I guess some more of obotune

Tennyson: We’ll smoke anything off a bong

Brick, Bliab and Tennyson: Snort, sniff, pot
and you’ll feel like you could jump off a building and survive

everyone today is using

Brick: Which bobbins array you choosing?

Tennyson: I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna jump off the building.

Brick: No. Tennyson!

Brick, Bliab and Tennyson: Everybody today is doing drugs. 

Aidy: I am so sorry. I guess it’s not for kids at all.

Brad: [to daughter] You okay, Sally? We can go.

Sally: Are you kidding? I got goosebumps.

Brad: And a theater lover is born! [clapping]

 

Weekend Update- Ice Cube on Refusing the COVID-19 Vaccine

Michael Che

Ice Cube… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Last week Ice Cube left the upcoming film, “Oh Hell No” after he declined to get the COVID vaccine. Here to comment is Ice Cube.

[Ice Cube slides in]

Ice Cube: Sup, Michael? You know what I’m saying? I’m going through a gangster lumberjack fakes.

Michael Che: I can tell. So, why won’t you get the vaccine, man?

Ice Cube: Hey, Look man, I just rather be myself then take that vaccine like you other 3 billion bozos. T

Michael Che: Yeah, but that’s why you lost this movie.

Ice Cube: Not my loss. Your loss. “Oh Hell No” was going to feature the greatest comedy duo of all time. IceCube, Jack Black. The comedy chemistry crack off, man. You know what I’m saying? Tried to get a catchphrase though.

Michael Che: Oh, hell no?

Ice Cube: That’s actually correct. But because it is crazy vaccine mandate, y’all like never gonna get to hear it.

Michael Che: Unless they replace you.

Ice Cube: Oh, hell nah, man. Who can replace Ice Cube?

Michael Che: I don’t know. Terry Crews?

Ice Cube: Good choice.

Michael Che: Michael B. Jordan.

Ice Cube: Makes even more sense. Hey, the point is this mandate is costing the world my art. I had a bunch of other projects packed into pipe. Check it out bozo. If you like “Barbershop 3: The Next Cut”, you would love the sequel, “Barbershop 4, Just A Little Off The Sides”. But now we can’t make it. Also we don’t make a prequel to the original Friday movie. You’ll never guess what it was called?

Michael Che: Thursday?

Ice Cube: That’s correct again. I was also gonna start a new M. Night Shyamalan movie called “Uh Oh, Twist Comin”. The twist is there ain’t no twist. Everybody went home and the day was a good day.

Michael Che: Cube, if you want to make these movies so bad, why don’t just get vaccinated?

Ice Cube: The better question is, why won’t y’all let me make my favorite project? Featuring the greatest dramatic duo of all time, Ice Cube, Meryl Streep? Eating octopus and traits and all over Mykonos in “Mamma Mia Cubed”. Both of us rockin white linen pants suits, no drawers.

Michael Che: No Drawers? how many movies were you making?

Ice Cube: Enough! That’s just the tip of the bird, bozo. And on top of all of that, now I got to run my Big Three basketball league from home.

Michael Che: Right. That’s the league you created for retired players.

Ice Cube: Yeah, man. And now I can’t go to the games. It’s not the same if you not court side, hearing them knees creek and them backs crack. I mean, where else could you watch a bunch of ballers on the wrong side of 40 play unlikely competitive game or 303?

Michael Che: At any YMCA?

Ice Cube: Indeed, you could. Indeed, you could.

Michael Che: Cube, just answer the question. Why won’t you get vaccinated?

Ice Cube: A bozo. I don’t have to tell anybody about my private medical decisions.

Michael Che: So, you’re afraid of needles, huh?

Ice Cube: Hell, yeah. They scare me.

Michael Che: Ice Cube, everyone. Just say that.

 

Weekend Update- Goober the Clown on Abortion

Colin Jost

Goober the clown… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: The Supreme Court heard arguments this week in women’s whole health v. Texas about the controversial Texas law that essentially bans all abortions after just six weeks. Here to cheer us up… Well, this can’t be right, Goober, the clown who had an abortion when she was 23.

[Goober the clown slides in]

Goober the clown: Hey, hey. I’m Goober the clown.

Colin Jost: So goober, you had an abortion when you were 23?

Goober the clown: Whoa, slow down. I’m a clown. Let’s clown around. Hey, smell this flower. [There’s a slower on her chest pocket]

Colin Jost: You’re not gonna squirt me, are you?

Goober the clown: Oh, I would never.

Colin Jost: Oh, okay!

[as Colin Jost tries to smell the flower, Goober the clown squirts on him]

Goober the clown: Oh, gotcha. I had an abortion the day before my 23rd birthday. [She’s still squirting water on him]

Colin Jost: Okay. It seems like you do want to talk about your abortion.

Goober the clown: Well, actually, I really don’t. But people keep bringing it up. So, I gotta keep talking about freaking abortion. But it’s a rough subject, so we’re gonna do fun clown stuff to make it more palatable. Whee! [Her bow tie is spinning] Hey, who wants some balloon animal? You want a giraffe? Che?

Colin Jost: You don’t have to do this, Cecily.

Goober the clown: Who’s Cecily? I’m Goober. And I wish I didn’t have to do this because the abortion I had at 23 is my personal clown business. But that’s all some people in this country want to discuss all the time. Even though cloud abortion was legalized in Clown V. Wade in Colin Jost973. Here. [Passes the balloon. It doesn’t look like animal at all.]

Colin Jost: Can you stop saying clown abortion? And what is this? [showing the balloon]

Goober the clown: It’s a worm. I don’t know. Hey, did you know one in three clowns will have a clown abortion in their lifetime? You don’t because they don’t tell you. They don’t even know how to talk to other clowns about it. Because when they do talk about it, if you were a clown who wasn’t the victim of something sad like clown says, they think your clown abortion wasn’t a righteous clown abortion. I mean what the dick is that?

Colin Jost: I don’t think you can say that word on the show.

Goober the clown: What? Abortion?

Colin Jost: Well, I guess kind of.

Goober the clown: You know it’s sunny Colin. We’re having fun. Just laugh. Hey, pull my finger.

Colin Jost: No.

Goober the clown: Laugh. I need it. I need you to laugh so hard like the way I laughed when the doctor asked if I got pregnant on the way over to the clinic because I wasn’t very far along. And that is one of my favorite jokes to this day. I love that joke. It’s such a good joke. Not like a funny haha joke. But like a funny you’re not an awful person and your life isn’t over now joke. The best kind. A honka honka!

Colin Jost: Good horn.

Goober the clown: Whoo! I’m not a clown. And in the waiting room, they had a little guestbook where all the clowns could write the clown abortion story for the next clown to read it so she wouldn’t feel so alone. And then years later you’ll be at a dinner with a big group of clowns, one clown will go out on a limb and say she’s had an abortion and then like eight other clowns at the table say they’ve had an abortion too because that’s how common it is. And then everyone’s excited and relieved we talking about it. But it’s like, “Wow, we kept this secret for so long despite being so grateful it happened.” Honka honka!

Colin Jost: So, wait. Are clowns women?

Goober the clown: Excuse me? Wow. Okay, Colin Jost thinks women are clowns. Cool.

Colin Jost: That’s not what I said.

Goober the clown: Let me do some helium. Okay, Colin. Here’s my truth. [takes helium off of balloon and stars speaking in squeaky voice] I know I wouldn’t be a clown on TV here today if it weren’t for the abortion I had the day before my 23rd birthday. Clowns have been helping each other in their pregnancy since the caves. It’s gonna happen, so ought to be safe, legal and accessible. We will not go back to the alley. I mean last thing anyone wants is a bunch of dead clowns in a dark alley.

Colin Jost: Goober the clown, everyone.

Goober the clown: Y’all better disable comments in this one.

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Football Team Wins 106-0 and Vaccine Smoothie

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set. There’s a picture of an article that says “High school football team wins 106-0” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A high school principal has apologized for unsportsmanlike conduct of the school’s football team after they beat another team 106-0. Apology accepted said the Jets.

[Picture changes to to an article that says “Mothers passing on antibodies with breastmilk smoothies]

It was reported that mothers in California are trying to pass on COVID vaccine antibodies to their children by making them smoothies with their breast milk. Oh sure. But when I asked for that, I’m escorted out of Jamba Juice.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Smith College logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Smith College has become the first woman’s college to eliminate student debt by replacing loans with grants because a lady should never have to pay.

[Picture changes to a news article that says “81 year old pharmacist traded drugs for sex”]

At an 81 year old pharmacist and Pennsylvania was arrested for allegedly trading drugs for sexual favors. Wow. [picture changes to Bill Cosby] So, he’s a pharmacist now.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of International Handball Federation logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The International handball Federation’s agreed to allow female players to wear bike shorts instead of bikini bottoms. But they’re still insisting that refs use this whistle. [flirty whistle plays]

[Picture changes to an article that says “30,000 visitors locked inside due to covid]
More than 30,000 people were locked inside Shanghai Disneyland after one visitor tested positive for covid. So, let this be a lesson all you kids out there. If you aren’t more careful about covid, you’ll end up living at Disney World.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of calendar marking November 2021 at right top corner.]

Michael Che: National Impotency Awareness Month began on Monday. And I for one thought it’d never come.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a squirrel at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: a tick tock went viral of a squirrel that appeared to be holding hands with a woman. See? It’s like Che always says, “Gay marriage is a slippery slope.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of guy’s face at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A plastic surgeon posted a video on TikTok claiming that the rumor is true that the size of a person’s nose has a direct connection to the size of his penis. Oh, so that’s why Camila’s smiling.