Tag: Heidi Gardner

On the Couch

Kenan Thompson

Chris Redd

The Weeknd

[Music video starts with three guys sitting on the couch]

[music playing]

 Kenan: [singing] Out drinking with my boys late night
come home to my lady past midnight
she waiting up, she throwing me shade
we having words, this is what she said

She said I’m out too late, she pushed me away
well there ain’t nothing in this world that I can say

Chorus: So, I’m sleepin’ on the couch tonight
she got me on the couch tonight
I did wrong, but I meant to do right
Now I’m sleepin’ on the couch tonight
I’m sleepin’ on the couch

 Chris: Workin’ late, makin’ paper, hittin’ deadlines
Comin’ home, now it’s crawlin’ in to bed time
I pull the sheet, she tellin’ me no
I asked her why, but I already know
Chorus: So, I’m on the couch tonight
she got me on the couch tonight
She in bed all tucked in tight
But I’m sleepin’ on the couch tonight
I’m sleepin’ on the couch

The Weeknd: We make dinner like lovers do
I pour her wine and–
Chorus: I’m sleepin’ on the couch tonight
She got me on the couch tonight
Don’t seem too fair this time
I’m sleepin’ on the couch tonight
She got me on the couch
Kenan: I wake her up with roses on the bed
Tell her all the sweet thoughts in my head
She roll her eyes and–

Chorus: I’m sleepin on the couch tonight
She got me on the couch
Chris: I buy her Prada, Say I love her mama
She says I’m—
Chorus: Sleepin’ on the couch tonight
She got me on the couch
The Weeknd: I say hello, and—
Chorus: I’m sleepin’ on the couch tonight
I’m sleepin’ on the couch tonight
She got me on the—

The Weeknd: Girl, we all make mistakes, it’s true
Tell me what I gotta do
To get back into bed with you
What did I ever do to you?
Oh
Chris: What did I do, girl?
Ego: Cheated on me almost every day
Kenan:True
Ego: I caught you cheatin’ on me yesterday
Kenan: You did
Ego: You even cheated on me on my couch
Kenan: Yes
Ego: And that’s why your ass is in the doghouse
Kenan: Fair
Melissa: I ain’t mad about you workin’ late
Chris: Good
Melissa:But you got ten credit cards in my name
Chris: Word
Melissa: You maxed ’em out, now my credit’s bad
Chris: Right
Melissa: And why’d you take out life insurance on me?

Heidi: We broke up five years ago
The Weeknd: And?
Heidi: I got married to another guy
The Weeknd: And?
Heidi: He’s sick of you crashin’ here
The Weeknd: And?
Heidi: You really gotta stop comin’ over here
The Weeknd: What?
[music stops]
Daniel: You really can’t keep comin’ here, bud. I know you ain’t really got a place to stay, but we got kids.

The Weeknd: But…

Daniel: No, no buts. It’s gotta stop, okay?

The Weeknd:Yeah.

Daniel: All right, well, see you around.
The Weeknd: [in the car] Guess I’m sleepin’ in my car tonight
Sleepin’ in my car
[music stops.]

[Daniel knocks on The Weeknd’s car window.]
Daniel: You can’t park in our driveway, bud. Come on, you gotta go. Let’s go.

The Weeknd: Alright. You don’t have to stand there and watch me leave. No, I don’t have to, but I’m gonna.

[The Weeknd drives away.]

[The End]

Deep Quote Game

Chris Redd

Kyle Mooney

Louis… Danel Craig

Lisa… Kate McKinnon

Duff… Heidi Gardner

Ego Nwodim

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with a group of colleagues playing board games in home.]

Chris: One more settlement and boom! That’s seven points victory. Marcus?

Kyle: Oh, man! Come on!

Louis: And here I am thinking we’re gonna have a nice pleasant game night with my wife’s work colleagues. And what? It’s a blood bath.

Lisa: Well, I hate to break it to you guys but I think we’re out of game.

Meli: It’s late. We should probably get going anyway.

Duff: Or we could quote?

Lisa: What’s that?

Duff: Um, we could quote? Like, say lines from movies and guess them?

Lisa: Oh. Oh. Okay. Is that a game that you like, Duff?

Duff: Yeah. Yeah. It really is.

Kyle: Actually, I just called a Lyft home. So…

Duff: Oh, then um… cancel it coz looks like we’re gonna quote.

Ego: Um, okay. Umm… I can start. “You’re a wizard, Harry.”

All: Harry Potter.

Duff: —and the sorcerer’s stone.

Louis: Oh. She’s right. Duff gets the point.

Duff: Yeah, cool. And now, I get to go coz I got that one. Okay. “I need two new suits off the rack. One light and one dark.”

Ego: No clue.

Louis: On, no, no, no. I know this one. This is… Aviator.

Duff: Oh, dammit! That was too easy.

Chris: Easy? That sounded vague as hell.

Duff: [looking at Louis deeply] Wow. You know your quote.

Louis: Yeah, I actually do.

Duff: Hah! Big D energy over there.

Louis: Yeah, that too.

Lisa: Louis, what was that?

Louis: It’s my turn. Here we go. “Thanks for walking in and now if you’ll excuse me, I’m not feeling so well.”

Duff: As good as it gets.

Louis: Oh!

Ego: What?

Kyle: You’re killing me.

Louis: How were you able to do that?

Duff: What? Do you quote?

Louis: Yeah.

Duff: Um, I don’t know. Probably coz I spend a lot of time watching movies all the time.

Louis: Hah. So, you’re a little quote queen?

Duff: I mean, if you’d say that. What– What are you? A flick daddy?

Louis: Only the biggest flick daddy you’ll ever meet in your whole life.

Lisa: Louise? Pal, you have a job.

Louis: No, I don’t. I’ve got fired six months ago.

[Louis turns towards Duff]

Lisa: Excuse me?

Louis: You’re very serious. [looks away] Who’s up?

Chris: Yeah. Maybe let’s stick to like, more well known quotes.

Duff: Sorry, but there’s no rule against deep movie.

Louis: No, she’s right. You know, it’s not a game if you don’t deep quote.

Lisa: Louis, deep quote?

Louis: Yeah, bud. Deep quote.

Lisa: The ‘bud’ thing gotta stop right now.

Duff: Alright. Okay, okay. My turn. Guess I’ll pick an easy one. Okay. “Hey, hi, I didn’t know you were here.”

Louis: Got it. No, no. Someone else go. Someone else go.

Kyle: Duff, it’s not a ton of identifying information in there.

Ego: Yeah, girl. What are you quoting?

Louis: Guys, it’s easy. Failure to Launch. Keep up, you morons.

Chris: Hey, I don’t like that.

Meli: Hey, Duff, maybe let’s play this another time.

Duff: What? No. We’re tied 2-2. I’m not about to lay down and let Lisa’s hot husband rail me.

Lisa: My husband?

Ego: Rail you?

Duff: Okay, okay, okay. Come on, quote off. You and me.

Louis: Alright. Let’s go, little girl.

Duff: Okay. “What made you pick me?”

Louis: Captain Phillips.

Duff: Ugh! Dammit. Go.

Louis: Only buddy goodie. “What are we supposed to do?”

Duff: Captain Phillips. Oh! Trying to trick me. Okay.

Louis: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Duff: Okay. Here’s another one. “It’s okay.”

Louis: Captain Phillips. You sneaky bitch!

[Duff and Louis are giggling]

Ego: Stop quoting Captain Phillips.

Louis: Okay, okay, okay. Here we go. “Go-do-un-bujah.”

Duff: “Go-do-un-bujah.” They are rich. parasite!

Meli: Parasite?

Chris: So, now you y’all know Korean? That’s stupid.

Duff: Okay, okay. Final round. No words, act out only.

Louis: Alright. Easy. I’ll start.

[Louis just raises his hands]

Duff: Up In the Air.

Louis: Ah!

Duff: Got it.

All: Up In the Air?

Duff: Okay, okay. My turn.

[Duff just coughs. Now, Duff and Louis are standing facing each other.]

Louis: Oh, Philadelphia! Get out!

Duff: Alright. Okay. You’re up.

Louis: Okay, okay. I got it.

[Louis kisses Duff]

All: No! No! No!

Duff: The notebook.

Louis: Ah!

Duff: I knew it was Gosling from your tongue.

[Lisa stands]

Lisa: Alright. Enough of this. Get out of my house.

Duff: [pointing at Lisa] Broke By Mountain.

Louis: Broke By Mountain.

Lisa: Get the hell out.

Debbie Downer Wedding Reception

Chris Redd

Mark… Alex Moffat

Liz McKellen… Heidi Gardner

Hank… Kenan Thompson

Karen… Aidy Bryant

Mindy… Melissa Villaseñor

Gary… Daniel Craig

Debbie Downer… Rachel Dratch

[Starts with Chris speaking in a wedding reception.]

Chris: Ladies and gentlemen, let’s hear some noise for our newly hitched, Mr. and Mrs. who have been stealing some kisses, Mark and Liz McKellen, y’all!

[cheers and applause]

Hank: Aw, you know, I never thought that Liz would settle down but Mark is the perfect match. [raising glass] To happily ever after

All: To happily ever after.

[A woman walks in wearing a gas mask]

Woman: Is this table nine?

Karen: Oh! Wow. Um, yes, it is. It sure is.

[The woman takes a vacant seat]

Mindy: We’re in the fun table.

[The woman is trying to eat without taking off the mask.]

Gary: Looks like you’re gonna have to take the mask off to eat unless you’re gonna poke a little hole in the middle there. [pointing at the mask]

Karen: Yeah. Don’t worry. None of us are sick. We’re just a little tipsy.

[The woman opens her mask. It’s Debbie Downer.]

[cheers and applause]

Debbie Downer: Well, unfortunately with COVID-Chris9, you can display no symptoms and still be wildly contagious. Hi, I’m Debbie.

[Cut to the show intro]

Song: You’re enjoying your day
everything’s going your way
then comes Debbie Downer

Always there to tell you ’bout a new disease
a car accident or killer bees
you’ll beg her to spare you “Debbie, please!”
but you can’t stop Deddie Downer

[Cut to the dining table at the wedding reception]

Gary: That’s a pretty elaborate mask. It kind of looks futuristic. Is it?

Debbie Downer: Um, I bought one of the last N-95s on amazon. They said to forego masks, but good luck nabbing one when we’re facing a world wide pandemic.

Karen: Yeah, I’m sure we’re all gonna be okay.

Mindy: So, Debbie, maybe we should introduce ourselves.

All: [hooting] Table nine! Table nine!

Karen: I’m Liz’s aunt Karen. And this is my daughter Mindy.

Hank: Yes. And I’m cousin Hank. And this is uncle Gary.

Gary: And why are you here?

Karen: Hey, hey.

Gary: I don’t know. I mean, how do you know happy couple?

Debbie Downer: Oh, I am Mark’s first cousin, once removed for trespassing.

Gary: How about a little drink? Maybe that will you know, loosen you up a little?

Debbie Downer: Oh, I don’t wanna drink too much. Last time I drank, I was almost #MeToo’d.

Mindy: Oh, that’s terrible. Did someone take advantage of you?

Hank: Now, why would you delve?

Debbie Downer: I was on one of those ‘just lunch’ dates and choked on a crouton. My date had to give me the heimlich. He clearly thought the bottom the bottom of my ribcage was much higher. #NotBuyingIt.

Gary: Question. Do we have to stay at our assigned tables?

Hank: Yeah. Debbie, why don’t you go say hi to the bride and groom?

Debbie Downer: Oh, okay.

[Debbie Downer walks to the bride and groom]

Hey, congrats you guys. This is a beautiful wedding. I wanted to give you my gift though. [gives them an envelope] Here, open it. I made a donation in your name to my favorite charity.

Liz: Oh, thanks. Oh, $twentyfive donation to pounce for cure?

Debbie Downer: Um-hmm.

Liz: A cure for what?

Mark: No. Don’t ask that.

Debbie Downer: Feline AIDS. It’s the number one killer of domestic cats.

Mark: Hey, uh, Debbie, you know, they’re serving the entrée, so why don’t you go sit down and stuff your mouth with good food?

Debbie Downer: Okay, enjoy guys.

[Cut to the table nine]

Hank: Yes!

Gary: Oh, I’m ready for my beef.

Karen: Yeah. These mashed potatoes look like heaven.

[Debbie Downer takes her seat]

Mindy: After we eat, I’d vote we get a line dance.

Gary: Oh, yeah.

Debbie Downer: Hey, speaking of voting, how do you guys feel about Trump?

[Everybody gets upset.]

[Karen looks happy.]

Oh, look guys, I just caught the bouquet. You know who else loves flowers? Honey bees. Too bad they’re on their way out.

[Outro]

Song: But you can’t stop Deddie Downer

Daytime Show

Deirdre… Aidy Bryant

Cookie… Ego Nwodim

Clyde… Daniel Craig

Heidi Gardner

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with “The Deirdre Show” intro]

[Cut to Deirdre]

Deirdre: Welcome back to “The Deidre Show.” My guest co-host today is a legendary diva of song. She’s got dozens of hit records like, “Oh, that man,” and “Let me tell you ’bout Christmas.” And she is back in the news because she hit a train with a car. Please welcome Cookie La Flute.

[Cookie walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Cookie: Hello, Deirdre.

Deirdre: Oh, Cookie, we are so glad to have you back. Isn’t that right, audience?

[Cut to the audience]

Kenan: Yes.

Heidi: We love you, Cookie.

Kenan: Go, Cookie.

[Cut to the set]

Cookie: Oh, thank you. You know, it’s like I always say, “Where am I, who are you, the pleasure’s all your’s.”

Deirdre: Wonderful. Well, as you know, this week is finger week on our show. And today, we’re gonna make some finger food. Sound good, Cookie?

Cookie: Oh, I’m starving. Let’s get to it.

Deirdre: Okay. Well, joining us today is a celebrity chef from London who’s gonna teach us how to make American appetizers. So, please welcome Chef Clyde.

[Chef Clyde is ready on his cooking table]

[cheers and applause]

Clyde: Hello. Hello.

[Deirdre and Cookie walk to Clyde]

Cookie: Hello.

Clyde: I hope you’re hungry, but only a little coz today it’s all about hors d’oeuvres.

Cookie: Okay, now. That is French.

Deirdre: Yes, for hors d’oeuvres.

Clyde: That’s right. I’ve got tons of them in my new cookbook, “The Hungry Divorcee.” Now, we’re starting off with one of my favorites which is these little mini quiche here.

[Clyde gives them a tray of quiches.]

Deirdre: Okay. These are so cute. Thank you.

Cookie: Ooh, I’ma eat this in one bite.

Clyde: Well, don’t eat the foil.

Cookie: [thinks for long] What?

Clyde: The aluminum foil on the– It just– Just don’t eat the foil. That’s–

Cookie: I don’t wanna eat the foil.

Clyde: Alright. That’s gonna make you choke.

Cookie: Don’t eat the foil? Who is this man?

Clyde: Ha-ha. So, the next thing I wanna talk about is guacamole.

Cookie: Look at this man. Look at this man. “Don’t eat the foil.” Are you all seeing this over here?

[Cut to the audience]

Heidi: Yeah Cookie, we see it.

Kenan: Get him, Cookie.

[Cut to the set]

Clyde: You know what Ms. La Flute, I’m sorry about the foil. I feel like we got off on the wrong foot. I just didn’t want you to scratch your mouth, you know? You need it for singing, don’t you?

Cookie: I don’t eat foil. I don’t eat foil.

Deirdre: Okay, Chef Clyde, how about we slide on down to the next food?

Clyde: Yes. Cookie, I think you’re gonna love my pigs in a blanket.

Cookie: You know, I love pigs. And you know, I love me some blankets.

Clyde: Okay, great. So, that’s so easy to throw together–

Cookie: You know, I can’t get over this foil thing.

Clyde: Well, Cookie, I mean, you like mustard–

Cookie: “Don’t eat the foil.” Legends don’t eat foil, boo. What do I look like? Huh? What do I look like? Y’all, do I look like Bobo the Clown?

[Cut to the audience]

Heidi: No, Cookie, you look hot.

Kenan: Kill him!

Deirdre: Okay. Chef Clyde, how about another food?

Clyde: Oh, good idea. Good idea. So, if you like eggs at room temperature, you’re gonna love these. Deviled eggs.

Deirdre: Oh, Cookie, let’s try one.

Cookie: Okay, sure. But sir, aren’t you scared?

Clyde: Scared of what?

Cookie: Aren’t you scared that I’m gonna eat the spoon? Tell me not to eat the spoon as if I’m not a famous singer. Pissing me off!

Clyde: I don’t think you’re gonna eat the spoon.

Cookie: You know your little foods. I’ve been famous for over 25 years. I eat big foods.

Clyde: I’m sure you eat very big foods.

Cookie: You know, once a year in November, I cook a big turkey and I invite over people I love have some. That’s how good I can sing.

Deirdre: And that sounds like Thanksgiving.

Clyde: Okay, well, before my time runs out, I just want to shout out to–

Cookie: You know, don’t nobody want your foil, okay? Tiny man with tiny food who can’t even sing. Give your guests a steak, you queer!

Deirdre: Oh! No, Cookie, no.

Cookie: I can say it. Please, I can say it. My husband is gay.

Deirdre: Okay. Okay. We’re gonna have to wrap this up. Audience, did we lose you?

[Cut to the audience]

Heidi: Absolutely not.

Kenan: We love this.

Cookie: You know what? I wanna get the whole taste of this thing out of my mouth. [Clyde pulls out a gum] All your food looks disgusting.

[Clyde eats a whole stick of gum with the foil paper.]

Clyde: Oh, you–

Deirdre: Did you–

Cookie: Why y’all looking at me like that? It’s just a gum. You know, shiny, tastes like coins, sparks when you chew it.

Deirdre: Okay, well that’s our show. Bye-bye.

Daniel Craig James Bond Monologue

Daniel Craig

Chloe Fineman

Heidi Gardner

Beck Bennett

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Daniel Craig.

[Daniel Craig walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Daniel Craig: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. It is lovely to be back hosting Saturday Night Live. I hosted the show eight years ago. And my life is very different now. I moved to New York. So, when people say to me where Brooklyn at, I can actually tell them where it is. It’s over the Brooklyn bridge or the Manhattan bridge, just depending on the traffic.

Now, everyone assumes that because I played James Bond, I’m this, very suave sophisticated guy. Well, I have to admit. I kind of am. I mean, I’m James Bond. I know English people as supposed to be sort of humble. You know, they’re like, “Oh, I’m just a nerd.” You know? I’m not a nerd. You’re a nerd. Now, this next James Bond film is gonna be my last. But, it’s gonna be one of the best. Because we got Phoebe Waller-Bridge from “Fleabag” to help with some of the dialog. It’s not gonna be that different, but every so often, I will turn to the camera and I will say, “My name’s Bond. James Bond.” Is it bad that i fancy the pope?

Now, you also may have heard the release of the film has been delayed due to public health and so. But there’s this scene that’s my favorite. And you know, the producers are being kind enough to let me show it tonight. So, let’s take a look.

[Cut to sneak peek of “No Time to Die: 007”]

[James Bond walks in a craps game in a casino near Chloe. They’re all dressed very well.]

Craps. [whispering in Chloe’s ear] I always thought your game was stealing state’s secret.

Chloe: [with accent] Hmm, whatever you want from me, James. The odds are not in your favor.

James Bond: Well, maybe I’ll be lucky.

[James Bond shows the dice to Chloe. Chloe blows on them.]

Now, where’s your boss?

[James Bond throws the dice]

[James Bond and Chloe and looking at each other.]

Dealer: Seven. Winner.

James Bond: Really? Ha-ha. I just rolled a seven.

Chloe: What makes you think you can stop him?

James Bond: Oh, that’s simple, my darling. [throws the dice] I’m double-O…

Dealer: Seven.

James Bond: I can’t really– Not just once!

Dealer: High hand at the table, folks. Place your bets.

[a drunk couple joins the table]

Heidi: [to James Bond] Keep it up, tuxedo. My ass in the hole, you gotta dig me out.

Beck: I put big money down here, alright. Don’t lost em’. My wife’s gonna kill me. Ha! Who cares? Right? It’s my money. Right?

James Bond: Wow-wow-wow! What do I do now? What do I do now?

Old lady: Roll an eight for this old bean bag, would you?

James Bond: Okay. I can’t believe. My heart is beating so fast. This is just like– Okay, give me an eight. Give me an eight. Give me an eight.

[James Bond throws the dice]

Dealer: Six-two. Easy eight.

Old lady: This slime is rolling hot bones tongiht.

[Kenan walks in near James Bond]

Kenan: You sir. You. You, sir. You. Sir, you, you.

James Bond: I don’t know why. I never play craps. It’s so exciting. So- I- Okay. What do I do now?

Chloe: That depends. What you about–

[Heidi interrupts Chloe]

Heidi: Another game now. Right now, it’s don’t roll seven.

James Bond: Okay. Got it. Got it. Waitress, waitress, can I get a vodka-martini. Shake it– Oh, you know what? No. Can I get a vodka and Redbull, pine glass please. Thank you. No seven. No seven.

[James Bond throws the dice]

Dealer: We got a six.

All: Oh!

Kenan: This guy! This!

Beck: Let’s go. Let’s put all our chips on hard four.

James Bond: Let’s do it. Let’s do it. Hard four. Hard four.

[Chloe moves near James Bond]

Chloe: James, perhaps we should move this discussion into my suite.

James Bond: Okay, I’ll meet you up then. If I roll a hard four, you’re all gonna call me Simba because I am the king of the jungle.

[James Bond throws the dice]

Dealer: Two and two, make four the hard way.

[everybody cheering]

James Bond: [shouting] Yo! Yo! What my name is?

All: Simba! [Chloe is bored and embarrassed.]

[James Bond drinks his vodka with Redbull.]

Chloe: [in James Bond’s ear] My boss is in the Knezevic, Iceland. That is where specter is located.

James Bond: Cool. Ladies and gentlemen, I have an announcement to make. I’m buzzed.

[everybody cheering]

Okay, okay, what do I want now?

Kenan: Snake eyes.

James Bond: Oh, you don’t deserve snake eyes.

All: Oh, please!

James Bond: Okay, okay, okay. Then work for it, bitches!

[the old woman walks to James Bond and shows him her breasts]

Old lady: Hey, why don’t you take a look at these old snake eyes?

James Bond: Oh! This got you snake eyes.

All: Yay!

[James Bond throws the dice]

Dealer: It seems Mr. Bond, your luck [points a gun at James Bond] has run out.

Chloe: He’s a specter agent.

[in no time, James Bond shoots at the dealer on his chest.]

Dealer: Well played, Bond.

James Bond: Everyone alright?

Kenan: Yeah. Specially since you just rolled snake eyes!

All: Yay!

[James Bond starts shooting on the ceiling out of excitement.]

[Cut back to Daniel Craig in SNL monologue set.]

Daniel Craig: We have got a great show. The Weeknd is here. So, stick around. We’ll be right back.

[Kenan jumps in]

Kenan: This guy. Him. Him, y’all!

Uncle Meme

Heidi Gardner

Ron… John Mulaney

Emily… Chloe Fineman

Tyler… Pete Davidson

Beck Bennett

Aidy Bryant

Chris Redd

[Starts with seven people celebrating in their house.]

Heidi: Anyway, to our baby girl Emily accepted at Stanford Business School.

Ron: Congratulations, sweetie.

All: Congratulations.

Emily: Aw, thanks everybody. It’s so nice to have family here.

Ron: [sigh] That’s great. So, Tyler, what about you? You enjoying college?

Tyler: Oh, yeah, uncle Ron. I’m loving it.

Ron: Oh, that’s nice. They have computers there, yeah?

Tyler: At college? Yeah, yeah, they do.

Ron: And did you do anything else?

Tyler: I don’t know, uncle Ron. I mean I write papers.

Beck: Ron, you alright?

Ron: I’m talking to your son. You write papers? That’s it?

Tyler: Yeah. That’s it.

Ron: You’re so slick, huh? You’re a liar!

Beck: What?

Ron: Excuse me?

Aidy: Ron, is everything okay?

Ron: No. It’s actually not okay. He meme’d me.

Beck: I’m sorry. Meme’d you?

Ron: Yeah, that’s right. My punk nephew Tyler made into a meme. I’m a meme now. And I don’t like it one bit.

Emily: Dad, come on. There’s no way.

Beck: Yeah. I’m sure this is just a misunderstanding.

Ron: Oh, really? Take a look at this. [Ron walks to his TV] Look at my facebook profile pic. [He shows his profile pic] Perfectly normal handsome picture of me right at work, right? Now, look at the front page of reddit.com. “When she wanna smash but the pee-pee too small.” What the hell is this?

Ron: Oh, wow!

Chris: Damn!

Aidy: My goodness.

Heidi: What in the world?

Ron: I know. I feel like I’m losing my mind. I mean is it supposed to be funny? Coz it’s not.

Emily: No, it’s sick.

Chris: It’s kind of funny though.

Ron: And it’s not even true. I smash. I have a kid, dammit!

Aidy: Tyler, is he right? Did you meme your uncle?

Tyler: Look, it just got out of hand. I just made one meme for fun and then–

Ron: Fun? Is this fun to you? This next one was tweeted by rapper Ice-T. And he said it was too true. [changes the meme] “When y’all kissing and she say ‘That’ll be $Ron00.'” I mean hey, hey, that sucks for me. You get that, right? [changes the meme] “When your girl pregnant and you ain’t even had sex.” Again, I have a daughter. Lies. [changes the meme] “When you tip the cam girl for Heidi0k and she block you.” What?

Aidy: Now, I don’t even get that.

Chris: It do be like that sometimes.

Aidy: Well, this is awful. This is not what Melania meant when she said, “Be best.”

Ron: The internet dubbed me the white collar virgin. I don’t know why. I mean, look at this. There’s thousands. [showing a list of his memes]

Tyler: Uncle Ron, I’m so sorry. I would never describe you that way.

Ron: Sorry? This is ruining my life. Do you get that? You do get that, right? This is endless. And they’re getting more creative. “I guess heaven needed a bitch.” So, I passed away in this one? [changes the meme. His picture is edited like he’s Joker.] “Wanna know how I got these tiny-ass balls?” It’s not funny. It’s depraved. [changes the meme] “When green book on HBO.” Dammit, at least this makes sense. That is how I feel when green book on HBO.

Aidy: Ron, this is a nightmare and we apologize on behalf of our son.

Beck: Tyler, make this right.

Tyler: Look, I never should have started the meme but I promise you, the one I did was just silly. It wasn’t meant to be like, hurtful.

Beck: Thank you. See? Just some gentle raving that got out of hand.

Ron: Oh, interesting. Coz I tracked Tyler’s reddit username and his first post was this. [changes the meme] “That feeling when you a pedophile.”

All: Tyler?

Tyler: That moment when your uncle finds the pedophile meme you made of him. [Tyler makes a silly face]

Royal Wedding

Prince Harry… Mikey Day

DeShawn… Chris Redd

Kate Middleton… Cecily Strong

Prince Charles… Beck Bennett

Queen Elizabeth… Kate McKinnon

Meghan’s uncle… Kenan Thompson

Prince William… Alex Moffat

Amber… Heidi Gardner

Sefdevin… Tina Fey

Russell Brand… Pete Davidson

Elton John… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Prince Harry making video at Royal Wedding Reception at Frogmore House]

Prince Harry: What’s up? It’s your boy, Harry Windsor, a.k.a., grown sleezely. Yeah. Official wedding video, 2018. It’s 2 AM, royal reception still going strong. Meghan’s out in the hallway trying to stop some of her white relatives from getting in coz they’re mental. But let’s see who’s hanging out. Right? Everybody’s here. Right?

[Prince Harry walks to 2]

What about you? What’s your name?

DeShawn: DeShawn.  I’m from Meghan’s side of family.

Prince Harry: Alright. I kind of figured that, right? How are you feeling tonight?

DeShawn: Um, outnumbered but good, man.

Prince Harry: Yeah.

[3 walks pass]

Oh, sis-in-law, Kate Middleton, right? You look a little tipsy, Kate.

Kate Middleton: Well, yeah. You know, for the past six years, I’ve been like, pregnant the whole time. So, I’m going hard tonight.

Prince Harry: Yeah. I can tell. I can tell. How much have you had to drink?

Kate Middleton: One glass of champagne, whoooo!

Prince Harry: Lightweight, lightweight. [turns around and sees his father] Oh, there he is. My dad, Prince Charles himself. So, pop, you proud of your youngest son?

Prince Charles: Yes.

Prince Harry: Anything else you’d like to say?

Prince Charles: No.

Prince Harry: Okay, then. Alright. Um, look at this combo here. Meghan’s great uncle talking to my grandmom, the queen of England. [They are sitting at the dining table]

Uncle: [he is drunk] Ay! Harry, man, I was just telling her majesty here that she has got to start watching “The Crown” because they make her look like a bitch on that show. Girl, they’re doing you dirty.

Queen Elizabeth: See, this gentleman has also said that I must visit Philadelphia.

Uncle: Yes! You got to visit Philly, man, and get some real food. Some Philly food.

Prince Harry: Alright. Little drunk. Good luck with that. Oh, now, get a shot of my brother William, the party animal right here.

[Prince William is drinking tea.]

He looks 50 years old.

Prince William: Oh! Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Prince Harry: Hey, how you doing? Chilling alone? Right? Right? What are you drinking, mate?

Prince William: Virgin Hot Toddy.

Prince Harry: So, a tea then. So sorry to hear that your hair could not make it.

Prince William: Oh, ha-ha-ha-ha. Brilliant! What a brilliant boy.

Prince Harry: Come on, dance, mate.

Prince William: No. I’m okay.

Prince Harry: Wills, come on. It’s my reception.

Prince William: Well, I suppose I could pass a few.

Prince Harry: There you go.

[Prince William and Prince Harry dance for the camera for some time.]

There you go.

Prince William: Oh, no. Grand mom just saw that. Bullocks!

[Queen Elizabeth is staring furiously at them]

Prince Harry: It’s alright. It’s my fault. Grandma, my fault.

Prince William: Apologize to grand mom.

Prince Harry: Enough family. Let’s go this way. Let’s go see the sheep sheets. We’ll say hi to the rando table. Every wedding’s got one. It’s the people who show up even though you didn’t think they would. Right? So, we’re gonna go say hi. It’s the polite thing to do. So, follow me. [Prince Harry walks through the door] Come on. Here we go. [walks to guests at the table] Alright, hello. How are you?

Amber: Hi.

Prince Harry: How are you doing? You friend of Meghan?

Amber: Yeah. I’m Amber. I worked with Meghan on “Deal or No Deal.” We were briefcase. We were briefcase girls together. I brought my briefcase. [she shows a briefcase to Prince Harry]

Prince Harry: You did. She brought the briefcase. Alright, that’s not sad at all. That’s very cool. I love it. [Prince Harry walks to another guest] Oh, let me guess, you’re from the groom side.

Sefdevin: Yes. I’m Dr. Sefdevin Pon Comp. Your father’s uncle once removed, married my mom who is his cousin. So, I am both your aunt and your niece.

Prince Harry: Lovely.

Sefdevin: Last I saw you, you were we wee boy. it was after polo match in comp.

Prince Harry: Alright, stop saying comp.

Sefdevin: And I was kicked in the face by a horse.

Prince Harry: Oh, yeah. Aunty Creepy. Oh, my lord. Dad used to say if we were bad, we’d have to come live with you.

Sefdevin: Ha-ha-ha. Right, he was because I’m the monster and bit of a paedophile.

Prince Harry: Okay. Wish you well here. Thank you for coming. Here’s your hat. That’s concerning. Alright, let’s go to the celebrity table. Russell Brand!

Russell Brand: Yeah!

Prince Harry: Alright. That’s all. And oh, sir Elton John. Yeah!

Elton John: [singing] Hold me closer, tight,
coz we’re here

Prince Harry: Yeah. Very clever. Yeah. You enjoying yourselves?

Elton John: Look at my jacket, Harry. What do you think? I’m having a wonderful Saturday! [singing]

Prince Harry: Singing the heat. Alright. Oh, he’s an American celebrity, miss Leslie Jones.

[Prince Harry walks to Leslie Jones.]

Yeah? Thank you. Leslie, tell everyone why you’re here.

Leslie Jones: Yeah. So, I started tweeting about the wedding 2 days ago. And then I got invited. Just like the olympics. That’s my thing. I might be at that North Korean meeting. We’ll see. Where Oprah at? Oh, there she goes. [yelling] Oprah!

[Leslie Jones walks away]

Prince Harry: Okay. This is wild. Oh-oh! Look what’s going on over there. Aunt Creepy! [His aunt is kissing DeShawn] Alright, watch out. She is a paedophile. Alright, I need to stop DeShawn from making the worst mistake of his life. Royal 2018. Prince Harry Markle, signing off, right? Yeah!

Donald Trump Robert Mueller Cold Open

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Waitress… Heidi Gardner

Rudy Giuliani… Kate McKinnon

Michael Cohen… Ben Stiller

Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day

Eric… Alex Moffat

Robert Mueller… Robert De Niro

[Starts with Donald Trump walking into a Holsten’s Restaurant in Bloomfield, NJ. He takes a seat and a waitress comes to him.]

Waitress: Oh, my god. Mr. President. Welcome. Is it just you?

Donald Trump: No, I’m meeting some friends.

Waitress: Okay. Great. [passing Donald Trump the menu] Well, let me know if you have any questions.

Donald Trump: I do, actually. Is HPV different than HIV?

Waitress: I’ll give you a minute.

[Donald Trump looks at the small jukebox on his table. He puts a coin and plays music.]

[Rudy Giuliani walks in and takes seat on the same booth.]

Rudy Giuliani: Hey.

Donald Trump: Hey.

Rudy Giuliani: How are you doing?

Donald Trump: So, Rudy, did you go on FOX News last night?

Rudy Giuliani: Like, 20 times, yeah. Don’t worry, I told them that you are openly colluding with Russia but then I ended with, “So what?” It should all be fine. Yeah.

Donald Trump: Thanks, Rudy.

Rudy Giuliani: I even confessed to some crimes you didn’t do. And then I said, “What are you gonna do? Arrest the president? I dare you. Ah!”

Donald Trump: Okay! I think they get the point. [Donald Trump holds Rudy Giuliani’s hands] Rudy, I really appreciate everything you’ve done for me.

Rudy Giuliani: Hey, you’re the best client I’ll ever have.

[Michael Cohen walks in and takes seat on the same booth.]

Donald Trump: Michael Cohen, there’s my guy.

Rudy Giuliani: So, how was work today?

Michael Cohen: Ah! You know, really bad. Mostly just prepared to go to jail and stuff. He said I might get 20 years unless I give you up.

Donald Trump: I’ve heard jail’s fun.

Michael Cohen: Fun?

Donald Trump: Yeah. Just like camp. Plus there’s free gym. Dude, you’re going to get so jacked.

Rudy Giuliani: They’re giving up programs in jail where you can get a real law degree. Ha-ha-ha.

Michael Cohen: Well, you can always come visit.

Donald Trump: I would but golf.

Michael Cohen: Anyway, you got to focus on the good times. Isn’t that what you once told me boss?

Donald Trump: I did?

Michael Cohen: Yeah. Remember? That’s why you told me to keep a copy of that Russian Pee-tape.

Rudy Giuliani: Oh, I gotta remember the show that is on clip on CNN tomorrow. Don Lemon’s gonna love that.

Donald Trump: Yeah. [Donald Trump holds Michael Cohen’s hand] Hey, whatever happens, I’m proud of you, Michael.

Michael Cohen: Thanks. I love you too.

Donald Trump: I didn’t say that.

[Donald Trump Jr. walks in.]

Don Jr.

[Donald Trump Jr. takes seat in the same booth.]

So, where is Eric?

Donald Trump Jr.: He is still parallel parking outside.

[Cut to Eric trying to park his tricycle.]

[Cut back to inside the restaurant]

Donald Trump: You know, I couldn’t think of three people I’d rather be here with tonight. A best son and two of my last 15 lawyers.

Michael Cohen: Hey, [raising his glass of soda] to a great first year of the Russian investigation.

Rudy Giuliani: And many more.

[They all raise their glasses]

[Robert Mueller walks in and takes seat in another booth.]

Donald Trump Jr.: Dad, maybe tomorrow I can show you that Chinese deal we didn’t talk about.

Donald Trump: Yeah, yeah. That sounds great. [whispering] Is that Robert Mueller?

Michael Cohen: Oh, and good news. You know that woman who is suing you for groping in defaming her? I found a guy who is willing to threaten her kids.

Donald Trump: Yeah, that sounds great, Michael. [whispering] Am I the only one that sees that guy? [pointing at Robert Mueller]

Rudy Giuliani: And hey, hey, I think I figured out a loophole where they can’t legally subpoena you. Have you ever heard the phrase ‘faking your own death?’

Donald Trump: Uh, yeah, sure. Rudy, we can look into that for sure.

Donald Trump Jr.: Dad, are you okay?

[Robert Mueller walks pass them and points at Donald Trump. Nobody sees him except Donald Trump.]

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Weekend Update- Bailey Gismert on Summer Movies

Michael Che

Bailey Gismert… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with Michael Che in his set.]

Michael Che: Well, it’s May, which means it’s time for Summer Blockbusters. Here to talk about the movie she’s most looking forward to is teen movie critic and star of her own YouTube channel “Bailey At The Movies”, please welcome Bailey Gismert.

[Bailey Gismert slides in. She looks very shy.]

[cheers and applause]

Bailey Gismert: What’s up?

Michael Che: So, I saw in our channel, you got a preview of a lot of summer movies.

Bailey Gismert: [blushing] So, you watched me? Okay, awkward. Sorry. I mean, yeah. So, I get to see movies early coz I guess movie people think I’m like, an influencer or whatever. I don’t know. I can’t say it.

Michael Che: Well, you know, I’m really excited for the new Jurassic Park movie. What did you think of that one?

Bailey Gismert: Um, I guess I thought the new Jurassic Park was fake. Okay, so, all of a sudden dinosaurs are like, back? That would never happen. Like, Jurassic Park, I see you. You’re fake.

Michael Che: Well, it’s science fiction, Bailey.

Bailey Gismert: Okay. So, I guess I’ll just shut up.

Michael Che: No, no. Bailey. Come on, let’s talk about another movie you saw.

Bailey Gismert: Okay, well, I saw “Avengers Infinity War” and it was fake too. But, I mean, it was also like, pretty tight. Like, for being super fake it was like, pretty real.

Michael Che: Okay. Well, who was your favorite avengers character?

Bailey Gismert: I guess, Thanos was pretty cool.

Michael Che: Really? You mean, like the bad guy?

Bailey Gismert: Or he’s just like, different.

Michael Che: Wait, do you like Thanos?

Bailey Gismert: [blushing] Stop. Stop. Why? Do you know him? [Michael Che smiles] Don’t! Do not text him. Don’t! Don’t Michael, don’t. I’m serious. Don’t text him.

Michael Che: I’m not going to text Thanos.

Bailey Gismert: Okay, good. Because I don’t like Thanos. Like, he’s cool. He’s strong. He’s got that. I don’t care. I just like, I like superheroes coz I’m in the guy stuff. Coz I have brothers. So, I’m sorry I don’t like salads. I like burgers and wings. And I don’t like dolphins. I like sharks. Okay? That’s me. And if you like– If you text Thanos, it’s gonna be like, so bad.

Michael Che: I didn’t mean to get you worked up.

Bailey Gismert: [cracking voice] I’m not… [slowly covers her tears with her hair.] … not worked up. I just have like, so much on my plate. And I’m not trying to say that you guys don’t work hard. Coz I know on Saturdays, you do. But I can’t just check out. [sobbing] I have my finals and field day. And I’m dog sitting for my pastor. I think they didn’t pick my prom theme which was “Moulon Rouge” but it is not too sexual, it’s French.

Michael Che: Well, look, Bailey, you did a great job and I hope you have a great summer.

Bailey Gismert: Okay, Michael Che [speaks in French language]. Oh, my god. Okay. So, if you’re obsessed with me like he is, [pointing at Michael Che] like and subscribe below.

Michael Che: Bailey, this isn’t YouTube. This is live TV.

Bailey Gismert: Like the playoff? Yeah, I watch sports.

Michael Che: Bailey Gismert, everybody.

Bailey Gismert: Different heroes can be women. It doesn’t make sense.

Graduation Commercial

Amy Mitchell… Kate McKinnon

Oliver Klein… Kyle Mooney

Ashley Brandt… Aidy Bryant

Natt Jones… Chris Redd

Courtney King… Heidi Gardner

Debin Alma… Pete Davidson

[Starts with video clips of high school events]

Male voice: Summer is just around the corner. So, kick things off right with the most highly anticipated event in town. “James Madison High School Graduation.” It’s gonna be Hot as Hell. 100 grads, 400 family members. All in direct three plus hours. Grandpa might pass out. It all kicks off with class speaker Amy Mitchell who does not know how to work that mic.

[Amy walks to the podium and speaks. She is looking here and there and the mic isn’t catching everything she’s saying.]

Amy: Sometimes I wish [inaudible] and that I could stay at this school [inaudible].

Male voice: Followed by victorian Oliver Klein, the smartest kid in class giving the world’s saltiest speech.

[Oliver walks to the podium.]

Oliver: Some of us weren’t considered cool or popular. And girls didn’t notice me. But in few years, boy oh boy, things are gonna change. You’re gonna wish you have gotten with me. Congratulations to the class of 2018.

Male voice: Bitter much? Bad enough? I didn’t think so. Because it’s time for the main event. Handing out diplomas. All your favorites will be there. Like, grads with unfortunate names.

Principal: Witney Slickt.

[the girl makes sad face]

Male voice: And class radical Ashley Brandt who is making a confused political statement with her gown.

[Ashley walks to podium and holds the mic.]

Get your laws off my uterus. And save the honey bees!

Male voice: Pick a lane! And how about Natt Jones who has been telling every one he’s going to do a back handspring but then bails it the last minute?

[Natt is ready for the backflip but he doesn’t do it. Everyone is staring at him. He just walks out.]

And when visibly pregnant senior Courtney King takes the stage, watch that news hit the parents section like an atomic bomb.

[As Courtney walks to the front, the parents are shocked and are talking bout her.]

Who’s the father?

And just when you thought the fun was over, watch your principal confidently mispronounce the Indian kid’s last name.

Principal: Parswa– Parsajabadajubis.

Male voice: Butchered! And of course, everybody’s dabbing. Dab! Dab! Dab! Dab!

[Courtney King is walking]

Is it a boy or a girl? It’s a Dab!

And after the ceremony, it’s time for dads with iPads!  [All the old men are taking their iPads out to take pictures.] And lots of group pictures where no one knows which phone to look at. Plus, secrets will be revealed. Like, when you realize goth kid Debin Alma’s parent’s are like, normal? How did that happen?

And hey, look. There is a senior having drama with his girlfriend who’s a sophmore.

[Mikey is talking to his girlfriend]

Mikey: I don’t want to date college girls. Baby, we’re not gonna break up. Okay?

Male voice: Ha-ha. Yeah, they will. It will be a thing to remember. But the only thing everyone will actually remember is when the principal fell off the stage.

[Principal is speaking on the stage walking around]

Principal: Webster defines the term gradu–

[Principal falls down the stage]

Male voice: The James Madison High School Graduation. Your grandma flew in for this.