Author: Ajay Kumar

Russian Disinformation Cold Open

Kenan Thompson

Ego Nwodim

Joe Biden… James Austin Johnson

Alex Moffat

Mikayla… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with officials holding a meeting at the president’s office]

Kenan: Mr. President the situation in Ukraine is growing tension by the hour. Putin has amassed over hundredthousand troops at the border.

Ego: We’re even getting some reports that Russia has already invaded. But those are from the same people who said Tom Brady retired. So, take it with a grain of salt.

Ego: What about the NATO forces? Are they ready to back us up?

Kenan: Well, every country is sending supplies to Ukraine except Germany. They’re staying out of it.

Joe Biden: Oh, man. Germany doesn’t want to go to war. You know, it’s bad.

Alex: Sir, if I may, Russia’s military presence may be the least of our problems.

Ego: We’ve been tracking the spread of Russian disinformation in Ukraine. And there are some lies, Ukrainians don’t know what to believe anymore.

Joe Biden: Russia tried that during our last election too. But it didn’t work.

Kenan: Well, 40% of Americans think you lost the election. So, it kinda did.

Alex: Take a look at these posts that are circulating on Ukrainian Facebook. [They’re reading news headlines] Ukrainian border encroaching on Russian troops.

Ego: Russian forces surrounding Ukraine just to give it big hug.

Alex: Ukrainian president horny for drama, wants war: “Slap me harder, Daddy.”

Joe Biden: I’m gonna break my New Year’s resolution and say it. Malarkey!

Ego: They’re also bringing our country into it. American CDC strongly recommends Russia invade Ukraine.

Kenan: Wait, didn’t the CDC really recommend that?

Joe Biden: For a few months in 2020. The science was changing so fast.

Alex: There was also this. Neil Young to remove music from Spotify unless Ukraine surrender.

Ego: And this one’s unbelievable. Are you a lonely Ukrainian woman in search of love? 100,000 troops are standing by to talk to you, at soldiersonly.com.

Joe Biden: My god. I mean, it is a good idea for a website.

Alex: They’re even turning our most beloved heroes against us. I don’t always get invaded but when I do I prefer Russia.

Ego: Not to mention this. Why I got to be Ukrainian when Russia two feet away? Nothing is sacred to them. Not even guy checking out hot girl.

Alex: And it’s not only meme sir. Look at this video a Russian spy posted on TikTok?

[Cut to a tiktok where two guys are dressed Russian and Ukrainian army and dancing together]

Joe Biden: What the hell was that?

Alex: Sir, it’s a video with 8.7 million views.

Joe Biden: No, no, I mean, what the hell was that dancing? Choreography wasn’t even crisp. Gonna log in and flame those guys in the comments.

Ego: Unfortunately, Mr. President, this goes beyond social media. Look at this commercial that’s airing on Ukrainian MTV.

[Cut to a made up video]

Kyle: I can’t take it anymore, Bae. I’m a typical Ukrainian teenager and I have no hope for my future.

Kate: Tell me about its years. That’s why I’m thinking of going to Russia, which I stand.

Kyle: Russia? You mean the land of wealth and freedom? Bop!

Kate: That’s right. I hear you can get a job in Russia right away, mining arsenic and potash. And whatever potash they don’t use for fertilizer, you can get to the end.

Kyle: But Russia is too popular. We’ll never get in.

Kate: You’re right. If only Russia could come to us.

Female voice: Brought to you by students for the Russian invasion of Ukraine. Cuz Russia can get it Periodt.

Joe Biden: That’s ridiculous. Now which one of those two was Zendaya?

Alex: Sir, these pro Russia commercials are saturating Ukrainian television. I mean, look at this one.

[Cut to another commercial]

Pete: Oh, no. I am American ball toss player Aaron Rodgers. And my car is broken down in Ukraine. Only one thing to do, like a good neighbor. Russia is there.

Chris: Hello to you, Aaron Rodgers. Need some help?

Pete: Jay from Russia? Can you get me out of this Ukraine?

Chris: Of course, I will take you to meet our president. He would love to see a Super Bowl ring and maybe hold it for a while.

Pete and Chris: [singing] Like a good neighbor, you are there, Russia.

Pete: Yes, there we go.

Joe Biden: Wait. So, you’re telling me Ukrainians are supposed to believe that’s the real Aaron Rodgers.

Kenan: Apparently, that is the real Aaron Rodgers. I guess he left the Packers to play for Russia.

Joe Biden: So, what can we do to fight back against all these propaganda.

Ego: Well, we have to fight fire with fire. That’s why I’d like to introduce you to our new Secretary of Defense, Mikayla.

[Mikayla walks in]

Mikayla: Hi. I’m Mikayla, spelled the worst way. I a junior at a vicious Girls High School and y’all work for me now.

Joe Biden: Oh, hold on, hold on. The CIA must have operatives on social media already.

Mikayla: Ahem-ahem. They do and it’s rough. Look at what your agents made. “I like democracy then. Then don’t side with me, I’m Russia?”

Kenan: Oh my god. That’s choogy.

Mikayla: Facts, literally facts. I know. The only thing more pathetic was our attempt at TikTok.

[Cut to a TikTok video of a woman who doing 2021 to 2022 transformation.]

Kenan: What does that even mean? Almost looks like if Russia invades it will turn old Ukrainian women into sexy nurses.

Joe Biden: Let’s just do something fun and simple that everyone can get by. Like a drone strike.

Mikayla: Okay, okay, Mr. President, I think your generation can learn a lot from mine. Like, we don’t believe in drone strikes. We believe in breaking down our enemies psychologically. That’s why I’m gonna DM Putin and say, “Oh my god, I loved your outfit the other day. Was that Old Navy?” Already, he’s spiraling. He’s all like, “Do they think I’m poor?” In three weeks he will have completely lost his mind.

Joe Biden: You done this before?

Mikayla: Does the name Giuliani ring a bell?

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Office Song

Heidi Gardner

Melissa Villaseñor

Andrew Dismukes

Kyle Mooney

Jeremiah… Willem Dafoe

Punkie Johnson

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a group of employees in their office]

Heidi: Okay, gang, these are all the files for the Innotech case. We’re looking for any transactions that point to funneling of funds into improper overseas accounts.

Melissa: These files go back six years. This is gonna take all night.

Andrew: I mean, if we’re lucky.

Kyle: Guys, I’m sorry. There’s nothing we can do. But I did ask our new temp, Jeremiah, to order pizza.

Jeremiah: Done and done boss. I hope 24 biggies are enough.

Punkie: It seems like plenty, Jeremiah. Yo. And I think it’s great that you’re reentering the workforce at your age.

Jeremiah: Well, thank you ma’am. Retirement wasn’t for me. So I thought what the heck? I don’t know. I’m excited.

Heidi: Okay, well, come on everybody. Grab a box and dig in. The clock’s ticking. We might as well get started.

Andrew: Great.

[Andrew starts to play a beat with his pencil on the desk]

Punkie: Okay. Okay. Wait.

[Punkie makes clicking sounds with the stapler]

[Melissa makes tinging sound with the glass]

[Jeremiah is looking around smiling. He’s enjoying.]

Heidi: [singing] Zappada-zappada-zow

Kyle: I like that.

Heidi: Zappada-zappada-zow

Kyle: Oh yeah!

Heidi: Zappada-zappada-zow

Kyle: Oh yeah!

Heidi: Zappada-zappada-zow

Andrew: Pumpada-pumpada-pow

Kyle: In the jungle, the mighty jungle
the lion sleeps tonight

Kyle and Melissa: In the jungle, the quiet jungle
the lion sleeps tonight

[Jeremiah getting too excited throws a chair out of the window breaking the glass.]
do not eat in the jungle the quiet jungle

Heidi: Jerimiah!

Punkie: Why did you do that?

Jeremiah: I was trying to join in. I thought it would bounce off the window and make a cool sound.

Andrew: We’re 15 stories up, man. He’s gonna kill someone.

Heidi: What were you gonna do? Throw another chair every eight bar?

Jeremiah: Well, if it sounded cool, I would have.

[Kenan walks in]

Kenan: Ay, who threw a damn chair out this damn building?

Melissa: I’m sorry sir. Our temp had a little bit of a mishap.

Kenan: A mishap? Man, that chair just crushed my brand new Mercedes S class.

Jeremiah: We were signing an impromptu songs sir. Made it up on the spot. Then someone threw a chair. Do we remember who? Who did that?

Kenan: Man! You did a million dollars worth of damage.

Andrew: Sir, please. Look, I know this is bad. But it is his first day. Remember my first day? I was so nervous. I kept calling you daddy. You gave me a second chance.

Heidi: He’s got a point sir. What do you say?

Kenan: Hmm. I’m gonna regret this. But I’ll see you all here tomorrow.

[The next day]

Kenan: All right, let’s see it.

Andrew: Okay, Jeremiah. You can do this. Ready?

[They try to teach Jeremiah how to make sounds using office tools. But Jeremiah mistakenly throws the table top name plate at Heidi and she falls out of the window.]

All: Oh my god!

Kenan: No, no, it’s okay. It’s okay. She’s okay. She’s hanging on the ledge.

Jeremiah: I’ll throw another chair to help her climb out.

All: Jeremiah, no!

Kenan: Put the chair down.

Andrew: The worst temp ever!

Nugenix

Mark… Mikey Day

Frank Thomas… Kenan Thompson

Doug Flutie… Kyle Mooney

William Defoe

[Starts with a guy playing golf video game. Frank Thomas walks in.]

Mark: Whoa! Frank Thomas?

Frank Thomas: That’s me. What’s your name?

Mark: I’m Mark. I’m a huge fan.

Frank Thomas: I get that a lot.

Mark: Well, I don’t want to bother you. But you look great.

Frank Thomas: Well, in my age, I try to stay in the gym as much as possible.

Mark: I hear you. But once I turned William Defoe0…

Frank Thomas:  Let me get this energy? Put on a few pounds?

Mark:  You said it.

Frank Thomas: Lower drive? Can’t get hard anymore?

Mark: Well, lower drive.

Frank Thomas: It’s not your fault. It happens to every man. Testosterone levels drop as you age. That’s why you can’t get hard anymore.

Mark: I didn’t say that. [Doug Flutie walks in] Holy crap! Doug Flutie.

Doug Flutie: Yes.

Frank Thomas: Mark You just turned William Defoe0.

Doug Flutie: Let me guess you can’t get hard anymore.

Frank Thomas: Bingo.

Mark: No. I never said that.

Doug Flutie: It’s okay. It happens to every man.

Mark: Right. I can still get hard.

Frank Thomas: Sure you can, Mark. You just need a little boost. We all do, to get hard.

Mark: No, seriously. Guys, I’m actually fine down there.

Doug Flutie: You don’t have to lie to us, Mark. It’s okay. See, as you get older–

Mark: Testosterone levels drop. Yeah, I know. He already said it.

[William Defoe walks in]

William Defoe: What are you guys talking about?

Mark: Oh my god, Sir William Defoe.

William Defoe: Sir Willem? I’m not even British.

Mark: Oh, why did I think you were British?

William Defoe: I don’t know, man.

Doug Flutie: This is Mark. He came up to us and told us he couldn’t get hard anymore.

Mark: Stop saying that.

William Defoe: Let me guess you just turn the big three-O.

Mark: Thirty?

William Defoe: It happens every man. Especially me.

Mark: I’m sorry. How do you guys all know each other?

Doug Flutie: From boner stuff. We met at a meeting.

William Defoe: Yeah, we all have the same problems as you.

Mark: Okay. I want to say again, for the record, I can still get very hard.

William Defoe: Damn right, you can. Now, with Nugenix.

Mark: Nugenix? What’s Nugenix?

Frank Thomas: Oh, so now you’re interested. Huh?

William Defoe: He’s all yours now?

Mark: No, I was just asking because–

Doug Flutie: At first he was like, “No way. I can get hard all the time.”

Frank Thomas: Right? And now he’s like, “Um, what’s Nugenix?”

William Defoe: “Please tell me more, sir.”

Mark: Alright, well, it was nice meeting you guys.

Melissa: Honey. What’s taking so long?

Doug Flutie: We’re trying to help your husband get hard again.

Melissa: What? [looks at William Defoe] Oh my god, aren’t you–

William Defoe: Sir Willem Defoe. Pleasure is all mine, my lady.

Melissa: Ooh, charmer.  Even more handsome in person?

[sound of a machine engine]

Mark: What the hell is that?

William Defoe: That’s Nugenix.

Mark: What?

William Defoe: That sound. It’s me getting hard.

Melissa: I’m sorry, what?

Doug Flutie: See, when a man reaches a certain age, you can never get hard again.

William Defoe: Until now. With Nugenix.

[sound of a machine engine]

Frank Thomas: Oh, and there’s mine.

Melissa: Oh y god, it’s so loud.

[sound of a machine engine]

Doug Flutie: Right, now I’m getting hard too.

Mark: So, Nugenix is a machine?

Frank Thomas: Oh, so now he’s interested.

[sound of electric shock]

William Defoe: Ah!

Melissa: Are you okay?

William Defoe: It’s fine. It’s just your perfume smells lovely, my lady.

Mark: Okay, let’s get out of here.

[Mark and Melissa leave]

[Frank Thomas, Doug Flutie and William Defoe are getting electric shock]

Male voice: Nugenix, testosterone boosting male enhancement. Try it for free. Oh, now you’re interested!

Jail Ad SNL

Abby Pudd… Willem Dafoe

Andrew Dismukes

Punkie Johnson

Chris Redd

[Starts with 1 narrating the ad]

Abby Pudd: Done something wrong? Gotten yourself in a pickle or a jam? And now you have to go to jail?  Don’t. People in there are so mean. So, come on down to Nice Jail. I invented it. It’s like regular jail but nice. Hi. My name is Amy Pudd– Abby Pudd. And I’m the founder of, and warden of, Nice Jail. Why make a nice jail? Because I went to actual jail once and frankly, people were mean. My cellmate took one look at me and said, “Oh, hell, no. I ain’t sharing no cell with your vampire-head ass.” Then, later, he said, “Why are you in bed, Dracula? You know y’all don’t sleep at night with your vampire-head ass.” That kind of thing would never happen at Nice Jail. I guarantee it. But don’t take it from me. Take it from one of our satisfied inmates.

Andrew: After I got arrested for public intoxication, I was scared to go to jail. So, I served 10 days at Nice Jail and no one was mean to me. Later, when I went to court, the judge told me that none of it counted. And then my lawyer said, “Who told you to do that?” I said, this guy named Abby who was standing in front of the DMV. “And then my lawyer turned to the judge and gave him a look like, “Can you believe this?” And the judge just shook his head like I was so stupid, it was causing him pain. Thanks, Nice Jail.

Abby Pudd: No, thank you. Now, as that observant young man noticed, legally speaking, Nice Jail doesn’t count. And, no, you can’t choose to come here instead of going to mean jail. So, you might be asking yourself, “Why would I go to Nice Jail?” There are so many reasons. You got released from real jail but think you could use a little more time. You did something wrong but no one knows yet. You always wanted to go to an escape room but you don’t like puzzles. You don’t want someone holding a mirror up to your face and asking, “Why does your vampire head-ass have a reflection?” Does that answer your question? If it doesn’t, here’s another glowing review.

Punkie: So, I came to Dallas thinking I had booked a room at the Marriott. Then, I got there and this guy Abby told me he bought the place and changed the name to Nice Jail. Then, he told me something about how no one here is gonna pass you in a cafeteria on Garlic Bread Day, knock down your tray and say, “I just saved your vampire-head ass. You’re welcome!” Anyway, I stayed in Nice Jail for three days and Abby kept in touch. Like,  a lot. Which I guess is nice.

Abby Pudd: It’s not just nice. It’s Nice Jail. And I keep in touch with all my former inmates, even the ones who have done something bad that no one knows about yet. Here are other nice things you can expect about Nice Jail. Compliments. Time to yourself. No one asking, “Where are your fangs with your vampire-head ass?” Dignity. Business center. No one coming up to you when you’re working in the library and saying, “Hey, we saw a bat on the yard. That was you, right?” And then you’re like, “How could that be me? I’m not a bat, and I’m in the library.” And then they’re like, “Quit lyin’ with your vampire-head ass. How come you don’t just fly out of jail?” And you’re like, “Don’t you think I would if I could?” I promise, that will never happen at Nice Jail. Even our staff is nice.

Chris: I was hired to run clerical matters here at Nice Jail, and it is a mess. The government pays for regular jail, but I’m pretty sure no one pays for this. Like, I don’t think Abby even bought the building. There’s no water, and he pays me in “I live here.” One time I asked for time off and he said, “That’s not nice. Why are you being mean to my vampire-head ass?” Seems like he’s really internalized this whole vampire thing. Anyways, I’m pretty sure the city will shut us down soon.

Abby Pudd: I’d like to see them try. So, come on down to Nice Jail! And remember…

All: It doesn’t count.

Male voice: Nice Jail. Seriously, it doesn’t count.

Good Morning Columbus

Langdon Lee… Bowen Yang

Cheryl Worth… Ego Nwodim

Scott… Mikey Day

Dr. Bloom… Willem Dafoe

Cindy… Heidi Gardner

Nick… Andrew Dismukes

[Starts with show intro]

Female voice: Good news, it’s good morning Columbus.

[Cut to Langdon Lee and Cheryl Worth in their set]

Langdon Lee: Oh hi, oh hi.

Cheryl Worth: Ha-ha-ha. You are too much.

Langdon Lee: Welcome back. Langdon Lee alongside Cheryl Worth.

Cheryl Worth: Lots ahead in the 9 o’clock hour, but first our man about town, Scott is with a local author who’s written a new self help book about finding happiness through self discovery. Hmm, sounds interesting.

Langdon Lee: Yeah. Sure does. Scott’s down at a book signing of Bergman’s books, with Dr. Benjamin Bloom, author of “Blowing Yourself”. Scott.

Scott: Thanks Langdon. I am standing next to a man who hopes to help millions of folks find happiness through self exploration.

Langdon Lee: Sorry, Scott. I have to jump in. I misspoke before. Dr. Bloom’s book is titled “Knowing yourself.” Not “Blowing yourself”. For a lot of B words in a row on the teleprompter, I got a little tongue tied. Sorry about that, Scott.

Scott: It has happens. Now, Dr. Bloom. Tell us about your book.

Dr. Bloom: Well, it’s a feel good book. It’s about learning how to love yourself by going down deep and embracing the part of you that you discovered down there.

Scott: Wow, that’s a lot to swallow.
Cheryl Worth: I’m sorry Scott. Need to jump in here. We are having an issue with our graphics that is making this interview seem very inappropriate. The book is “Knowing yourself”. We do apologize.

Langdon Lee: Come on, graphics department. What are you doing? Get it together. Ha-ha-ha. Scot.

Scott: Thanks, Langdon. Now, Dr. Bloom, I see you have your wife here with you.

Dr. Bloom: Yes, come on over, honey.

Scott: Hi.

Dr. Bloom: This is my lovely wife, Cindy.

Scott: Now, Cindy, do you practice the techniques in your husband’s book?

Cindy: Oh, yes. It was a little harder for me to get there, though. I think women have to reach deeper into themselves to find the same happiness.

Dr. Bloom: Absolutely. Women are generally more complex. A lot more nooks and crannies to explore.

Cindy: Oh, yeah. You know, it can be an emotionally taxing process. You know, if you’re like me, your sensitive side is gonna take a lickin. But in the end, trust me, it’s so worth it. So buy his book. I had my nose buried in it for hours.

Scott: I’m sure you did. Thank you, Cindy. Now doctor, you’re going to teach me one of your breathing exercises here. Now, I tried yoga once and I was awful. So, hopefully I don’t suck here.

Dr. Bloom: It’s okay to suck. It’s how we learn.

Scott: Okay, good. We got some mats here.

Dr. Bloom: Let’s get down great.

Scott: Great.

Dr. Bloom: You can do this in a chair at home also. Okay. You want to center yourself like this.

Scott: Center.

Dr. Bloom: Now, breathe deeply. Really, fill your mouth with thoughts of–

Langdon Lee: Okay, no, no. Cut the audio. Folks. Oh, no. We are so deeply, deeply sorry. This looks very bad. Maybe go to sports? Yes, sports. Nick, you want to give people your Super Bowl predictions?

Nick: No, let’s let this play out.

Cheryl Worth: Thank you for nothing, Nick. Okay, looks like they’re wrapping up. Bring up the audio back.

Scott: Oh, wow. I have got a long way to go. I got to get practicing.

Dr. Bloom: Don’t go nuts when you’re just starting out. That’d be going too far.

Scott: Okay.

Dr. Bloom: But with time, I promise you’ll rise to the occasion and meet yourself halfway.

Scott: Yes, well said. And you’ve certainly made some fans out of our viewers. @IncelDadddy writes “This dude my hero. Teach me sensei. #nevergonnaleavethehouse” So, good stuff. Now, you’ll be down here all day, correct?

Dr. Bloom: Yes, I’ll be signing copies of my book and at noon, I’ll be demonstrating my technique live.

Scott: Oh! And now if you want to attend, you can make a reservation online at www.– Actually, they’re telling me no you can’t. I guess it’s sold out immediately. Mr. Popular. Back to you guys.

Cheryl Worth: Those people who made a reservation are going to be very disappointed.

Langdon Lee: All right, coming up in traffic something wandered onto the I-270 and is causing major traffic. That’s something get this. A 400 pound a wild whore– Boar! Wild boar. Wild boar. Let’s go to commercial.

Dog Show

Judas Chrysler…Willem Dafoe

Miriam Jeans… Aidy Bryant

Jane Bosworth… Kate McKinnon

Mickey Bosworth… Punkie Johnson

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: Fighters, barkers, humpers and shakers. Live from the Cujo arena, it’s the Bedminster dog show.

[Cut to Judas Chrysler and Miriam Jeans in their show set]

Judas Chrysler: Hello, I’m Judas Chrysler.

Miriam Jeans: And I’m Miriam Jeans. Dogs, they’re just like us. Some of them by kids.

Judas Chrysler: That’s correct. This show celebrates those canine freaks who prevent their owners from having company or intimacy.

Miriam Jeans: Today is for them.

Judas Chrysler: Here come on judges, Jane Bosworth and Mickey Bosworth.

Miriam Jeans: They run a desert based dog ranch that’s either an animal rescue or a hoarding situation.

Judas Chrysler: The dogs know not to mess with them, and frankly, neither would I. And here’s our first competitor. From the shaking group, it’s Luna.

Miriam Jeans: Now Luna hates the sound beat. And if she hears it, she will try and climb up to your hair. For her the 4th of July is a war. And the only safe space is behind the toilet.

Judas Chrysler: Luna is also scared of plastic bags, men in hats, pineapples, balloons, the Netflix startup sound, her owners being in two separate rooms, and this is embarrassing, the sound of spoken Spanish.

Miriam Jeans: And she also has what the vet calls tangy Vagina.

Judas Chrysler: A vet said that?

Miriam Jeans: Yes, she did. Let’s go to the judges.

Jane Bosworth: All right, tell us about Luna.

Owner: If her favorite blanket is not fluff correctly, she will cry real tears until I fix it. If my boyfriend comes home and he is near sitting me sitting on the couch, she will scream until he leaves. My life is hell and I miss my friends.

Mickey Bosworth: That’s good.

Jane Bosworth: Yes, take her around. No. No.

Mickey Bosworth: Don’t clap.

Jane Bosworth: Do not clap. If these dogs hear any sound, they will kill themselves.

Mickey Bosworth: Please do not clap.

Judas Chrysler: A reminder from the judges not to clap.

Miriam Jeans: Yes. And next from the mean group, it’s Pigeon.

Judas Chrysler: Pigeon is the sexual predator. He’s been banned from every dog park in the state of Nevada.

Miriam Jeans: The vet called him not welcome here and the groomer called him manipulative.

Judas Chrysler: Pigeon once tripped an old lady on purpose.

Miriam Jeans: His owner said quote “It looked like an accident but I swear to God, I saw him laugh.” Let’s check in with the judges.

Mickey Bosworth: Well, what is Pigeons daily routine?

Owner: Well, he wakes me up at five by biting my feet. Then he goes in the hamper, grabs my girlfriend’s underwear, drags it under the dining room table and barks aggressively.

Jane Bosworth: I see. And why did you choose this monster?

Owner: Oh, well, when we first got him he was so quiet. Turns out he was just traumatized. This is bad to say but I missed that version of him.

Miriam Jeans: Wow. Now, Judas, it says here that you and I are married. Isn’t that right?

Judas Chrysler: That is right. And now we do this.

Miriam Jeans: Ha-ha-ha. Yes. Well, from the non walking group, it’s Blueberry.

Owner: Sorry. Blueberry. Come on. Blueberry, please. I’m not picking you up. We flew here. Blueberry you grounded a flight.

Judas Chrysler: Blueberry once slipped on a tile floor and it permanently made him insane.

Miriam Jeans: Yeah. He will only poop in the middle of the street and he is medically unable to be in a car.

Judas Chrysler: And to be clear, blueberry can walk. He just chooses not to.

Miriam Jeans: Amazing, truly pointless.

Judas Chrysler: And lastly, from the Medical Group, it’s Gizmo.

Miriam Jeans: Now Gizmo has bad feet, bad skin, bad teeth, bad anal glands and a bad brain. The total package.

Judas Chrysler: He’s allergic to anything that is or isn’t duck. Judges squinting at something on his tummy.

Jane Bosworth: Alright. Can you tell us about his weird little penis?

Owner: Yes. His weird little dog penis is too big for his frame. So, when he bends down a certain way, it gets stuck outside his body for hours. And it dries out so won’t go back in. And it has to be lubricated and reinserted by veterinary several times a week. I hate saying that and I say it a lot.

Jane Bosworth: Thank you.

Miriam Jeans: Well?

Judas Chrysler: Looks like the judges are about to announce the winner. Let’s take a moment to thank our sponsor Thunder Shirt.

Miriam Jeans: Thunder Shirts, squeeze your stupid dog with Thunder shirt.

Jane Bosworth: The winner will take home the golden bathroom trash along with a lifetime supply of buffalo chicken bones from the sidewalk.

Mickey Bosworth: Yes. And the winner is Gizmo.

[cheers and applause]

Gizmo’s owner: No! No! Don’t get excited. Just put it back in. Aw! Gizmo!

Judas Chrysler: Hey, if you’ve got it, flaunt it.

Miriam Jeans: Yeah. Cut away. Goodnight.

Beauty and the Beast The Mirror

Beast… Pete Davidson

Belle… Chloe Fineman

Father… Willem Dafoe

Cogsworth… Kenan Thompson

Lumière… Mikey Day

[Stats with Beauty and the Beast dancing in the castle]

Beast: Belle, are you happy here with me?

Belle: I’m getting used to it.

Beast: What’s wrong?

Belle: If only I could see my father again? Just for a moment.

Beast: Well, perhaps there is a way. This magic mirror will show you anything in the world.

Belle: Anything?

Beast: Yes, Belle. Anything.

Belle: [to mirror] I’d like to see my father please.

[Her father appears in the mirror. He’s getting back to his home.]

Father: Is anybody home? Belle? Belle? Are you here? Hello?

Belle: Oh, calling for me. I knew my father missed me.

Beast: Of course he misses you, Belle. He’d be a fool if he didn’t.

[Father is alone in the house]

Father: Okay, so I’m just double checking. I’m definitely alone then. Nobody here in the cottage except little old me. Crazy old me.

Beast: Oh-oh!

Belle: What?

Beast: Well, it seems like your father really wants to make sure he’s alone.

Belle: Wow, he’s never been by himself before. He’s probably frightened.

Beast: Yeah, I think we’re the ones who should be frightened.

[Father is lighting up the candles]

Father: [humming] This is the best day of my life

Beast: Yep, yep, here we go. He’s lighting all the candles now.

Belle: Maybe he’s cold.

Beast: Nope, not a shot. I know exactly what’s happening here.

Belle: What’s he doing now?

[Father is putting all the pictures of his daughter down]

Father: Don’t look. Don’t. Don’t look at me. Don’t look at me. Don’t look at me. Don’t look at me. [looks at the picture of a horse] Look at me.

Belle: He just seems to be so lost without me.

Beast: Belle, this guy’s not thinking about you at all. And if he is we got bigger problems.

Belle: Oh my God, what’s he doing now?

[Father turns on the music and starts dancing]

Cogsworth: Well, that’s not something you see every day.

Lumière: I’ll tell you one thing. The mirror never disappoints.

Belle: Okay. Well, maybe we should do something else. Anyone want to sing “Be our guest” again? It’s a really, really good song.

Beast: Maybe later. This is some sick stuff.

[Father is spanking himself an dancing]

Mrs. Potts: Oh, I like this, dude. He nasty.

Belle: Okay, okay. I think we’ve seen enough. Anyone else want to look in the mirror?

Lumière: Quiet. The strangest thing of all is happening.

[Father is looking at a photograph]

Father: Oh my lady, look at how I’m carrying on since you’re passing. I just wish swish you were holding me close, kissing my neck, stroking my head, stomping on my groin, spanking my ass, biting my ass. So many wonderful things with my ass.

[throws and breaks the mirror]

Belle: Oops! I broke the mirror. Total accident. Can’t believe it. Anyway, see everyone had dinner. And let’s never talk about this again.

Cogsworth: I can’t believes she broke the mirror.

Beast: Don’t worry guys. I got like Father0 more of those in my room.

Chip: Wait, I don’t understand. What happened in that old man’s quadrant.

Beast: [singing] A tale as old as time

Which is a song I would sing if we had the rights.

Weekend Update Three Guys Who Just Bought a Boat

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

Guy who just bought a boat… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: The NFL playoffs continue this weekend. Here with his tailgating tips is a guy who just bought a boat.

[The guy slides in]

The guy: Ha-ha-ha. Are you ready for some deez-balls? It’s good to beach here.

Colin Jost: I really hated that opening.

The guy: Hey, Colin, I haven’t seen you since that party we had to get COVID on purpose. Great idea by the way, co-jo.

Colin Jost: No. No. I have no idea what you’re talking about. No.

The guy: That’s true. My bro-bro from a No-hoe here told me the same thing many women have. Let’s just get this over with.

Colin Jost: No. That did not happen. No.

The guy: It did. Anyway, it’s football season and if you want to nail your date, you’re gonna have to tell some gate, okay? If you want a touchdown there, here are some just the tips to turn her tight end into a wide receiver. Make your starting– Oh! Make– Hah! Here we go. You’re not gonna like this, guys. Make your starting lineup some beautiful cans. Okay? I’m talking about brewskis, give her some Inklings to get her tingling and pretty soon you’ll be like a running back pounding it up the middle. I have a small penis. What got there?

Colin Jost: What was that?

The guy: I have a small penis. What are you, new here? Hey, wait. Something different around here? I’m getting some sort of message, like, a Blippar from another Skipper? Yep. My tighty whities spidey sense is tingling. Ah! Someone bought a boat. [pointing at Colin Jost]

The guy: No. I don’t think. I don’t know. I don’t really know what you’re talking about.

Colin Jost: I’m getting word in my sidepiece. Breaking news, my boy Coy Joy and SNL boy toy are saying a-hoy-hoy to an aquatic toy-toy. That’s right, Colin and Pete bought a ferry boat.

The guy: All right. Well, fine. Here to talk about it is a guy who just bought a ferry.

[Pete Davidson slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Pete Davidson: Hey! We bought a ferry. The windowless van of the sea.

Colin Jost: Yeah. It’s very exciting. We thought the whole thing through.

Pete Davidson: Yeah. I know. Even the mayor tweeted about it, which is how I found out we have a new Mayor? What happened to Bloomberg?

The guy: I don’t know

Colin Jost: You know, Pete, we did a sketch about the new mayor last week.

Pete Davidson: Oh yeah, I’m gone as soon as my last sketch is over.

Colin Jost: Wait, so you guys bought it together, pulling a double teamer on this steamer. Ha-ha. Me likey. Way to get your deck sweat, boys. Classic boat owner behavior.

Pete Davidson: Actually, actually, there’s a third partner.

The guy: I’m glistening.

Pete Davidson: We bought it with this guy, Paulie Italia, which is the name of a real person and not a mafia themed wrestler. We’re boat people now, Colin. I mean, you always were. You look like, you know, you own the yacht they rend for rap videos.

Colin Jost: We are having trouble finding a place to dock though.

The guy: Oh, fellas, this happens to me all the time. Look, just start poking around downtown. It’ll eventually slip in somewhere. My thingy is a dinghy?

Pete Davidson: Well, actually, our boat is Pete Davidson00 feet long.

The guy: Ew. Look, it’s the width that counts. Mine’s like a tuna can.

Colin Jost: Also, we just keep– We’re gonna keep– No, that’s okay. We’re gonna keep the boat dock. You know, it’s not gonna move on its own power.

The guy: You’re my best friend Colin Jost. Wait, so your boat’s just gonna lay there? Tight. That’s just like me. There’s no motion in this ocean. When your pooner is on this schooner, all are bored (all aboard!). There’s no shame in paying for a tug. Co-Jo knows what I’m talking about.

Pete Davidson: So, it’s like with your penis?

The guy: No, Pete. They’re for a boat.

Colin Jost: Three guys who just bought a boat, everyone. For Weekend Update, I’m Coling Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Sarah Sherman on Staying Cozy in the Winter

Colin Jost

Sarah Sherman

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Shiver me timbers. It’s cold here at 30 Rock. Here to talk about staying cozy in the winter weather is our very own Sarah Sherman.

[Sarah Sherman slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Sarah Sherman: Hi, Colin.

Colin Jost: Hey Sarah. So, you’re here to talk about the winter?

Sarah Sherman: That’s right. Winter rocks. All the bugs are dead. It’s amazing.

Colin Jost: Okay, so you don’t mind the cold at all.

Sarah Sherman: Collin. I’m cozy all winter long. I got pubes thicker than clothes.

Colin Jost: Oh, you don’t have to talk about your pubes, Sarah.

Sarah Sherman: Oh, I’m sorry. Does the bush stuff make you uncomfortable?

Colin Jost: I mean, I don’t know. A little.

Sarah Sherman: Okay, I’m sorry. [There’s a picture of a fake news article with title that says “Local female body inspector Colin Jost prefers hairless genitals”] This just in, local female body inspector Colin Jost, wishes his female coworker had hairless genitals like a blow up doll. Now, back to you Colin.

Colin Jost: That’s not– I don’t care about your body hair.

Sarah Sherman: Wow, Colin. Careful how you talk about my body. I’m basically your son’s age.

Colin Jost: So, you’re like six months old?

Sarah Sherman: You wish, sicko. You’d kill to change my diaper, wouldn’t you?

Colin Jost: Oh my god. Sarah, that’s disgusting.

Sarah Sherman: Oh, you think that’s disgusting? You know what’s disgusting? The cost of housing in New York, Colin.Can you believe? Yeah. Can you believe I have to pay $Sarah Sherman00 A month?

Colin Jost: You pay $Sarah Sherman00 for rent. Where do you live?

Sarah Sherman: Wow. [There’s a picture of a fake news article with title that says “Hamptons homeowner Colin Jost mocks comedian”] Wow! Breaking news. Hamptons homeowner  Colin Jost mocks struggling comedian for finding a good deal by living in his dog house.

Colin Jost: You live in my dog house? Sarah, what do you want for me?

Sarah Sherman: $6,000.

Colin Jost: I’m not giving you 6 grand.

Sarah Sherman: Your funeral. [There’s a picture of a fake news article with title that says “Wealth-hoarding Hollywood husband Colin Jost-Hansson has not a dime to spare”] In other news, wealth-hoarding Hollywood husband Colin Jost has not a dime to spare for SNL’s underpaid rookie, even though she was going to donate that money to St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital.

Colin Jost: You didn’t say that.

Sarah Sherman: And another thing. Can we talk about you and Che? It’s always ‘will they won’t they’ with you two. Why don’t you just get it over with and make out already?

Colin Jost: No. I’m not kissing Che.

Sarah Sherman: Wrong answer. [There’s a picture of a fake news article with title that says “Local sex bigot rejects queer love”] This just in. Local sex bigot Colin Jost violently rejects radical act of queer interracial Love.

Michael Che: You are so small minded, Colin.

Colin Jost: Alright, fine. You want to kiss? Let’s do it.

[Colin Jost leans towards Michael Che to kiss.]

Michael Che: [avoiding kiss] Whoa! Whoa! Hey!

[There’s a picture of a fake news article with title that says “Jost thinks being gay is a… joke?”]

Sarah Sherman: Breaking news. Queer baiting Update anchor Colin Jost pretends to be gay for laughs.

Michael Che: Damn, Colin. You are the worst.

Colin Jost: Sarah Sherman, everyone.

Sarah Sherman: I want you guys to kiss.

Weekend Update New M&Ms Hong Kong Hamsters

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of m&m’s logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: m&ms announced that they’ve redesigned their iconic m&m characters after people requested that the brown m&m not look like a teacher who has sex with their students.

[Cut to Michael Che. there’s a picture of Prince Andrew and his ex girlfriend at right top corner.]

Michael Che: In a new documentary, an ex girlfriend of Prince Andrew described Jeffrey Epstein and Julian Maxwell as Batman and Robin,. Come on, what does Batman and Robin have in common with a billionaire that grooms teenagers?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Kyle Rittenhouse at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Wow. Gen Z icon Kyle Rittenhouse is petitioning the court for the return of his rifle so he can destroy it. I don’t know. Careful Kyle, trying to get your memorabilia back is how they finally got OJ.

[Picture changes to Bono]

New interview, Bono reveals that he never liked the name U2, adding “I also kind of hate Ireland.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of

Michael Che: Actor John Voight recently released a video claiming that Abraham Lincoln spirit was guiding Donald Trump. Hopefully not to a theater.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Wheel Of Fortune logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Longtime director of Wheel of Fortune has died at the age of 92. Said Wheel of Fortune viewers, “Wow. So Young.”

[Picture changes to the logo of the new show “Rings of Power”]

Amazon announced that their new “Lord of the Rings” TV series will be called “Rings of Power”, though I’m personally more excited for the spin off “Gollum in Paris”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a map of Hong Kong and a rat at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Officials in Hong Kong announced that after some hamsters in a pet store tested positive for COVID. they had to kill more than Michael Che000 of the pets. Okay, but they didn’t have to do it in front of the class! [Picture changes to a group of children being shocked]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a guitar and a flag of Canada at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A man in Canada stole an $8,000 guitar by hiding it in his pants. Police caught the man when he got an erection and it sounded like this. [rock guitar solo playing]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a goldfish at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Scientists have trained a goldfish to drive a car. They believe it’s the first step to eventually training women.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Dwayne The Rock Johnson at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Dwayne Johnson said that a skull of a T-Rex seen behind him during a recent interview was a replica and not the real thing. Johnson also said it’s just a coincidence that his diet calls for 1000 pounds of dinosaur meat a day.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Oldest person in US dies at 115” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The oldest living person in the United States died this week at the age of Colin JostColin Jost5. It’s a powerful reminder to always test your cocaine for fentanyl.