Tag: Alex Moffat

Sport Report

Bob Tisdale… Alex Moffat

[Starts with “Sky Sport report” intro]

[Cut to Bob Tisdale in his home]

Bob Tisdale: Good evening, everyone. Bob Tisdale here from Sky Sports. Well, formerly Sky Sport Furloughed. Cheers corona. So, coming to you live with the sport report from a stool in my drawing room. The world of sport never sleeps and I haven’t been sleeping well either. So, let’s see the highlights. This segment is brought to you by Tea, made by my wife. Cheers, Jane. [Bob Tisdale raises his teacup.]

Jane: No, it’s not.

Bob Tisdale: Um, cracking cup. Okay, let’s see. Some highlights.

[Bob Tisdale puts two laptops on a table and presses power button at the same time.]

First up, it’s laptop challenge. Which one will boot up first? And they’re off.  Yes, you can hear the sound which one will get to the finish line of booting up first. It’s anyones–

[laptop on the left turns on]

Well, that was quick. Left lappy wins. Not even close.

And over to match endurance, which match will outlast the other?

[Bob Tisdale is holding two burning matchsticks, one in each hand.]

Left match is barely hanging on. And it’s out. Right match wins. That’s why she’s the champ, folks. Oh, she’s out too.

Meanwhile, over at the stove, Jane is making popcorn. [Cut to four pieces of corns placed in a pot.] Um, my favorite. But which kernel will be first to burst. It’s anyone’s guess, really. Top left is really heating up but bottom right is beginning to make his move. Oh, top right. There’s some action. Tossing and turning but no, no bursting. What is going to happen? Bottom left, no life yet, sleeping on the job. Nobody seems to want it out there. But there are signs of life in the pot. Oh! Oh my god, from out of nowhere, top left is your winner. This is why we watch sport. And bottom left is close behind to take the silver and bronze. Nobody cares.

Who is top banana? [Cut to two bananas placed in a bowl] Which will ripe in first? It’s a lightning round. Left banana is picking up momentum. But wait, is that a spot? Something is definitely happening on the right banana. Folks, we are going to be here a while.

[Cut to Bob Tisdale on his stool]

And now a few statistics from the day. Things Jane and I saw from the window. 15 birds, one beautiful brown hawk who flew away before I could film him on my mobile phone, three squirrels, one neighbor hanging a light fixture. And that is it.

Wow! big day today. Okay, this is me Bob Tisdale saying cheers to Jane. Love you babe. And yes, see you tomorrow. Probably!

The Ingraham Angle Coronavirus Cold Open

Laura Ingraham… Kate McKinnon

Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong

Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day

Eric Trump… Alex Moffat

Chris Matthews… Darrell Hammond

Elizabeth Warren

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with “The Ingraham Angle” intro]

[Cut to Laura Ingraham in her set]

Laura Ingraham: Good evening and welcome to the Ingraham angle. [cheers and applause] I am Laura Ingraham, the Joey Fatone of FOX News. Later in the program, walking silver alert, Joe Biden takes the lead on Super Tuesday. Bernie Sanders announced his running mate, the ghost of Fidel Castro. Then former candidate Elizabeth Warren will be joining us live via satellite… I don’t know, scold us for owning cars. But first, tonight’s main story, I don’t know why Coronavirus, the left continues to wage its deceitful dishonest and frankly gay smear campaign against president Trump. Here’s a video of some loco libs driving to hold foods to buy the last bottle of organic Purell.

[Cut to a video clip of Vin Diesel flying a car from one building to another from the movie Fast and Furious Kate McKinnon.]

[Cut back to Laura Ingraham]

It’s insane. The left is trying to whip people into a fear frenzy of lies which jus isn’t right. That’s our thing. Look, Coronavirus isn’t urban legend. And yes, I said urban as a dog whistle. The point is, you’ve got much bigger things to worry about. And to help you calm down, here’s a list of much bigger things to worry about. [a list appears on the screen]. You got women who keep their maiden names; Montessori schools; Mexican teenagers rehearsing dance for a quinceañera in public park; fat barbies; “What’s the maid saying?”; black marching bands, they’re too good; and Harry Styles??? What’s he doing? Who’s that for?

[The list goes off]

So, instead of wasting your money on $300 surgical masks, consider supporting my ever-thinning list of sponsors. Like, Deer Tanks. Let’s face it, shooting deer takes too long. Send Bamby to hell with Deer Tanks. And Indoor Horn. Not allowed to drive anymore? Now you can still honk and scream at people inside with Indoor Horn. And Word Searches with racial slurs in it. You didn’t say it. You just circled it.

For more on this liberal fan fiction that is the Coronavirus, we go to judge, Jeanine Pirro.

[Cut to split screen with Laura Ingraham and Jeanine Pirro]

Jeanine Pirro: Get rid of me’.

Laura Ingraham: Get rid of who?

Jeanine Pirro: Whoever.

Laura Ingraham: Okay. Thanks for joining us, Jeanine. Shouldn’t our viewers be doing anything to prepare for Coronavirus?

Jeanine Pirro: Hell, no. Americans are not at risk. Especially not our viewers who skew elderly are in bad health, live cloister together in homes specifically for sick people and have smoked their entire lives.

Laura Ingraham: Sounds like you’re not too worried.

Jeanine Pirro: Not one bit, Laura. So, don’t get it twisted. If you see me avoiding Chinese restaurants, it’s not coz I’m scared. It’s because I don’t trust the Chinese. A fortune cookie once told me to lower my voice and I’ve never looked back.

Laura Ingraham: Alright. Well, stay safe out there, Jeanine.

Jeanine Pirro: No need. [Jeanine Pirro shows a glass of martini] Alcohol is a disinfectant, so mama’s gonna live for ever. [Jeanine Pirro drinks the martini]

Laura Ingraham: Well, thank you for that excellent report. [Cut to Laura Ingraham] We go now to the men in the inside, Don Jr. and Eric Trump.

[Cut to split screen with Laura Ingraham, Donald Trump Jr. and Eric Trump]

Donald Trump Jr.: Hi, Laura. Did you get my valentine?

Laura Ingraham: Pass. Now, what can you tell us about the president’s response to the virus?

Donald Trump Jr.: Laura, [Eric Trump is copying everything that Donald Trump Jr. is doing] our father has everything under control. You know, democrats would love for people to get sick so they can use it to their advantage. Like, how we give Eric raw chicken so he misses important meetings.

Eric Trump: Ha-ha. I love my pink nuggets.

Donald Trump Jr.: That’s great, buddy. Laura, the libs think they can spin this to hurt our father. But if there’s anything my dad’s on top of it’s–

Eric Trump: The toilet.

Donald Trump Jr.: No. It’s this crisis. You don’t have to give answers, buddy. I got it. Look, the fact of matter is Americans are perfectly safe. It’s like our dad always says–

Eric Trump: The N word?

Donald Trump Jr.: No. No. Only during songs, buddy.

Eric Trump: Okay.

Donald Trump Jr.: Didn’t we bring you a toy or something you can play with?

Eric Trump: Ya-hah. My beepy toy.

Donald Trump Jr.: Okay. Eric, that’s a thermometer. It only beeps if you have fe–

[Eric Trump puts the thermometer in his mouth and it starts beeping. Donald Trump Jr. checks the thermometer.]

104?

Eric Trump: Yes!

Donald Trump Jr.: Buddy, where did you get this?

Eric Trump: The park.

Donald Trump Jr.: We gotta go, Laura.

Laura Ingraham: Alright. Thanks for joining us.

Eric Trump: I’m a father.

[Cut to Laura Ingraham]

Laura Ingraham: Great. Now, first off, getting the vegan leather boot at MSNBC for the high crime of giving a girl a compliment, I’d like to welcome our newest FOX News anchor, Chris Matthews.

[Chris Matthews is sitting in the set with Laura Ingraham]

[cheers and applause]

Chris Matthews: Welcome back to “Hardball.” I’m Chris Matthews. Tonight, my guest is Laura, a spooky blonde lady who lies to the elderly. Hah!

Laura Ingraham: Chris, no, you’re on my show.

Chris Matthews: Oh, I forgot. Force of habit. Maybe I’ll get in trouble for saying this. You look great.

Laura Ingraham: Chris, you can say whatever you want. It’s FOX.

Chris Matthews: Oh, my god. This place is amazing. Everyone here is hot, crazy or both.

Laura Ingraham: Yeah. Now, you resigned after recent non-scandals. Like, comparing Bernie Sanders to Hitler. How do you respond? And remember, you can put it as crazy as you want to.

Chris Matthews: Alright. Here it goes. The race is down to Hitler and an ice-cream cone to see who can beat the Michelin man. Back to you, girl Hitler. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Laura Ingraham: Welcome home. Thank you for joining us, Chris.

Chris Matthews: Da-ba-da-ha-ba.

Laura Ingraham: And now, our celebrity interview brought to you by our amazing sponsors. Like, Mesh Pillow. Your greedy kids can’t smother you with Mesh Pillow. And for anyone looking to make some quick cash, Fake Purell. It’s lube in a Purell bottle. And as always, White Chocolate. All the calories and none of the taste.

And now, an interview with the latest democratic candidate to end a campaign, the woman who savagely murdered Michael Bloomberg on live television. Please welcome senator Elizabeth Warren.

[Cut to split screen with Laura Ingraham and Elizabeth Warren]

[cheers and applause]

Elizabeth Warren: Hi, Laura. Thanks for having me.

Laura Ingraham: How have you been since dropping out of the race?

Elizabeth Warren: You know, I’m doing just fine. My friends and family have been so supportive. They’ve been calling non-stop asking, “Are you okay? What do you need? Were you electable?” That kind of thing.

Laura Ingraham: Oh. You certainly ran a memorable campaign. Here’s footage of you debating Mike Bloomberg.

[Cut to a video clip of a dog eating a burrito.]

[Cut back to Laura Ingraham and Elizabeth Warren]

And just to be clear, were you the dog or the burrito?

Elizabeth Warren: I was the dog.

Laura Ingraham: Got it. [cheers and applause] So, you’re not endorsing anyone yet?

Elizabeth Warren: Well, it is tough. Maybe I’ll just pull a New York Times and endorse them both.

Laura Ingraham: Well, now that you’re done campaigning, do you have any regrets?

Elizabeth Warren: You know, not at all. I am so proud of our campaign. We built a wide correlation of teachers, pre-school teachers, middle-school teachers and teachers’ pets. And, not only did I not accept money from billionaires, I got to give one a swirly on live TV. [cheers and applause] But now, I got time to do a little self care. Hanging out with my dog Bailey, prank calling big banks, drag racing Subarus, avoiding Twitter. And before I go, I wanna thank my supporters and say one last thing.

[Kate McKinnon runs in. She’s wearing exactly same outfit as Elizabeth Warren.]

Kate McKinnon: Hi there. How are you? [cheers and applause] Sorry. I just– I wanted to put on my favorite outfit to thank you for all that you’ve done in your life time.

Elizabeth Warren: Um, I’m not dead. I’m just in the senate.

Kate McKinnon: Right. Whoo! Okay. You’re right. Um, so let’s stay in the spot. And let’s do this.

Elizabeth Warren and Kate McKinnon: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

 

Debbie Downer Wedding Reception

Chris Redd

Mark… Alex Moffat

Liz McKellen… Heidi Gardner

Hank… Kenan Thompson

Karen… Aidy Bryant

Mindy… Melissa Villaseñor

Gary… Daniel Craig

Debbie Downer… Rachel Dratch

[Starts with Chris speaking in a wedding reception.]

Chris: Ladies and gentlemen, let’s hear some noise for our newly hitched, Mr. and Mrs. who have been stealing some kisses, Mark and Liz McKellen, y’all!

[cheers and applause]

Hank: Aw, you know, I never thought that Liz would settle down but Mark is the perfect match. [raising glass] To happily ever after

All: To happily ever after.

[A woman walks in wearing a gas mask]

Woman: Is this table nine?

Karen: Oh! Wow. Um, yes, it is. It sure is.

[The woman takes a vacant seat]

Mindy: We’re in the fun table.

[The woman is trying to eat without taking off the mask.]

Gary: Looks like you’re gonna have to take the mask off to eat unless you’re gonna poke a little hole in the middle there. [pointing at the mask]

Karen: Yeah. Don’t worry. None of us are sick. We’re just a little tipsy.

[The woman opens her mask. It’s Debbie Downer.]

[cheers and applause]

Debbie Downer: Well, unfortunately with COVID-Chris9, you can display no symptoms and still be wildly contagious. Hi, I’m Debbie.

[Cut to the show intro]

Song: You’re enjoying your day
everything’s going your way
then comes Debbie Downer

Always there to tell you ’bout a new disease
a car accident or killer bees
you’ll beg her to spare you “Debbie, please!”
but you can’t stop Deddie Downer

[Cut to the dining table at the wedding reception]

Gary: That’s a pretty elaborate mask. It kind of looks futuristic. Is it?

Debbie Downer: Um, I bought one of the last N-95s on amazon. They said to forego masks, but good luck nabbing one when we’re facing a world wide pandemic.

Karen: Yeah, I’m sure we’re all gonna be okay.

Mindy: So, Debbie, maybe we should introduce ourselves.

All: [hooting] Table nine! Table nine!

Karen: I’m Liz’s aunt Karen. And this is my daughter Mindy.

Hank: Yes. And I’m cousin Hank. And this is uncle Gary.

Gary: And why are you here?

Karen: Hey, hey.

Gary: I don’t know. I mean, how do you know happy couple?

Debbie Downer: Oh, I am Mark’s first cousin, once removed for trespassing.

Gary: How about a little drink? Maybe that will you know, loosen you up a little?

Debbie Downer: Oh, I don’t wanna drink too much. Last time I drank, I was almost #MeToo’d.

Mindy: Oh, that’s terrible. Did someone take advantage of you?

Hank: Now, why would you delve?

Debbie Downer: I was on one of those ‘just lunch’ dates and choked on a crouton. My date had to give me the heimlich. He clearly thought the bottom the bottom of my ribcage was much higher. #NotBuyingIt.

Gary: Question. Do we have to stay at our assigned tables?

Hank: Yeah. Debbie, why don’t you go say hi to the bride and groom?

Debbie Downer: Oh, okay.

[Debbie Downer walks to the bride and groom]

Hey, congrats you guys. This is a beautiful wedding. I wanted to give you my gift though. [gives them an envelope] Here, open it. I made a donation in your name to my favorite charity.

Liz: Oh, thanks. Oh, $twentyfive donation to pounce for cure?

Debbie Downer: Um-hmm.

Liz: A cure for what?

Mark: No. Don’t ask that.

Debbie Downer: Feline AIDS. It’s the number one killer of domestic cats.

Mark: Hey, uh, Debbie, you know, they’re serving the entrée, so why don’t you go sit down and stuff your mouth with good food?

Debbie Downer: Okay, enjoy guys.

[Cut to the table nine]

Hank: Yes!

Gary: Oh, I’m ready for my beef.

Karen: Yeah. These mashed potatoes look like heaven.

[Debbie Downer takes her seat]

Mindy: After we eat, I’d vote we get a line dance.

Gary: Oh, yeah.

Debbie Downer: Hey, speaking of voting, how do you guys feel about Trump?

[Everybody gets upset.]

[Karen looks happy.]

Oh, look guys, I just caught the bouquet. You know who else loves flowers? Honey bees. Too bad they’re on their way out.

[Outro]

Song: But you can’t stop Deddie Downer

Airport Sushi

Chris Redd

Pete Davidson

John Mulaney

Bird… Kenan Thompson

Sushi Chef… Cecily Strong

Mouse… Alex Moffat

Air-hostess… Chloe Fineman

Aunt Annie… Kate McKinnon

Baby… Beck Bennett

Jake Gyllenhaal

Mikey Day

Bowen Yang

David Byrne

[Starts with Chris and Pete buying stuffs at airport store.]

Chris: Yeah, I’ll get this Chobani Yogurt with no spoon to eat it with please.

Pete: Yeah, and I’d like a bottle of water that will roll to the back of the plane as soon as we take off.

John: Alright. $15, Dasani water, extra plastic.

Pete: And, you know what? I will grab a sushi too.

[John looks at Pete with shock]

John: I’m sorry?

Pete: The sushi, you know? The spicy tuna roll that’s sitting in on the display case next to the ham and cheese panini.

John: [hesitating] You’re sure you wanna eat the sushi?

Chris: You’re buying sushi at LaGuardia airport? Have you lost your damn mind?

Pete: What? I want a nice balance of carbs and protein. Just sell me the sushi, man.

John: Your wish is my command, Kimasabi. [speaking in loud voice] Oh, phantom of LaGuardia, why don’t you tell this fine young man how he’ll feel after he eats our sushi?

[music playing]

[A bird wearing a mask appears.]

[The store changes into a performance stage. There’s smoke and lights.]

Bird: [singing] In dreams it’s haunting you
that fish you ate
the expiration date
ends in one-eight
and still you’re choosing it
as food for plane
The Phantom of LeGuardia is there
it smells insane

Sushi Chef: I am the sushi chef
that made that roll
the fish inside of it
crawled out of hole
yet you’re consuming it
this great mistake
you’d honestly be so much better off
eating a Wuhan snake

[music stops]

Chris: Is he supposed to be a pigeon?

John: No. He’s one of the geese that took down Sully’s plane.

Bird: Miracle on the Hudson. More like, massacre in the sky.

Pete: And there’s just a bird loose in the terminal?

John: Of course, there is. Haven’t you been to LaGuardia before?

[music playing]

[singing] I like to be at LaGuardia
lots of delays at LaGuardia
two small for planes at LaGuardia

Bird: Watched a man die in LaGuardia

Sushi Chef: Baggage claim carousel cling clang

John: Outlets are there for a cool prank

Sushi Chef: Ha-ha, loose fire hangs from the ceiling
Bird: Gives you a skanky old feeling

[a mouse and an air-hostess join them]

All: I like to be at LaGuardia
It’s time to breathe at LaGuardia
we might have sealed LaGuardia
who can we blame for LaGuardia?

[music stops]

[Aunt Annie runs in]

Aunt Annie: I’ll tell you who you can blame.

John: Aunty orphan Annie?

[music playing]

Aunt Annie: When anything’s bad, De Blasio
throw your hands up and say De Blasio
you’ll feel shamed
I know some of it was Mike Bloomberg
but it still feels like De Blasio is to blame

Sushi Chef: Why are there five planes on the tarmic?

Aunt Annie: But the taxis must stay three miles away

All: De Blasio, De Blasio
the cops hate De Blasio
he’ll keep every song away

[music stops]

John: And look, here comes [everyone starts snapping their fingers] a crying baby about to board a trans-continental flight.

[a baby walks in snapping his finger.]

[music playing]

Baby: Gu-gu-ga-ga, gu-gu-ga-ga
I’m screaming cry voice
got a stripe rope in my diaper
oh, it’s a stinky stool boy

John: Just play it cool, baby. Real cool.

Baby: If my parents are looking for me, which they’re not, I’ll be in the kid’s playground that’s also a pet relief area. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

John: Wow, they let a baby through security.

[Jake walks in. He’s wearing pajamas.]

Jake: Did someone say security?

[cheers and applause]

John: Hello, guy who travels in pajamas.

Jake: That’s right. I dress so that TSA could have easy access to my body.

[music playing]

So, if you care to search me
I’ll spread my legs real wife
I’ll even bend over for you
you can take a peek inside

[Jake starts levetating]

you can tell that I enjoy security
you can search way up in my cavity
you can pack me down
you don’t have to use the front of your hands

[music stops]

John: Okay, Jesus. We get it. You can continue on to Cleveland now.

Jake: How did you know I was going to Cleveland?

John: That’s where everyone at LaGuardia is going, like it or not.

[Jake levetates away]

[Mikey is announcing from the United Express booth.]

Mikey: Attention, we have  gate change for passengers going to Cleveland. Your old gate was A-7. Your new gate is G-46. It is physically impossible for you to make it to that gate in time and the plane will leave indeed. Thank you.

Pete: Man, I told you we should have left at JFK.

[Bowen walks in. He’s an Asian wearing a mask.]

Bowen: Ha-ha. And I guess I should have stayed home.

[John moves away from him screaming]

Oh, relax! I’m not sick. I’m just…

[music playing] profiled Asian
standing beside you
if I cough then it’s over
you’ll get off the plane
profiled Asian
no, I wasn’t in “Parasite”
I know the virus is bad but
it’s coming from Italy too

[music stops]

Chris: Man, this airport is it’s own world.

John: Yes. A third world.

[David walks in. He is a baggage handler.]

David: And if you stay here long enough, you will learn the mysteries of LaGuardia.

John: Wow, it’s the baggage handler who tosses everyone’s suitcase into Long Island sound.

David: That’s right. And you should know that…

[music playing]

All: We’re on a plane to nowhere
hop on in side
they say it’s about to take off
but that is a lie
sure, it will start to taxi
but then it comes back
we’re on a road to one motel
overnight, let’s go find

Weekend Update- Eric and Donald Trump Jr. on Trump Tower Meeting

Colin Jost

Eric… Alex Moffat

Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: This week, the senate released over 2,000 pages of testimony regarding a 2016 meeting at Trump Tower with a Russian lawyer, here to comment are first sons Eric and Donald Trump Jr.

[Eric and Donald Trump Jr. slide in]

[cheers and applause]

Donald Trump Jr.: Yes. Colin, thanks for having us. Eric, what do you say when you’re a guest at someone’s place?

Eric: I’m sorry. I missed the toilet.

Donald Trump Jr.: No. No, bud.

Colin Jost: That’s a great start. Now, Don Jr., many in the media are speculating their calls made to a blocked number before and after your Trump Tower meeting were actually calls you made to your father.

Donald Trump Jr.: You know, this may sound crazy, Colin, [Eric is copying every movement Donald Trump Jr. is doing] but the dishonest media is being dishonest.

Eric: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Donald Trump Jr. turns to Eric and gives his hand for high-five. But Eric raises his hand and turns away trying to copy what Donald Trump Jr. is doing.]

Donald Trump Jr.: Eric, it’s a high-five, bud.

[Eric kisses Donald Trump Jr.’s palm]

Alright, baby steps, buddy. Colin, as I’ve repeatedly said, I never spoke with my father about that harmless little meeting.

Colin Jost: Okay. So, you don’t remember whose blocked number that was?

Donald Trump Jr.: No.

Eric: I do. You said, “Siri, call dad.”

Donald Trump Jr.: No. I did not, Eric. How could you possibly even remember that?

Eric: Coz I have pornographic memory.

Donald Trump Jr.: Bud, it’s photographic memory. Okay?

Colin Jost: Let’s just get back to the meeting for a second. Now, some democrats are calling on the judiciary committee to subpoena your phone record.

Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah. And they need to give it up because there is no collusion here. You know, Colin, I’m reminded of some words of wisdom my father gave us as boys. He sat us down, he pointed to a framed picture of the designs for Trump Tower and said–

Eric: Look at all the hidden swastikas.

Donald Trump Jr.: No. Eric, you wanna play with your play dough, buddy?

Eric: Yeah.

Donald Trump Jr.: Play dough. there you go. He’s really into play dough lately. The bottomline– [Eric is just smiling and staring at the play dough] Bud, the whole thing. You don’t know how it works? [teaching Eric how to play with it] Look, you put some play dough in here, right? Now, push the lever down. Come on. Push it down. Look at that. It makes noodles. [Eric is amazed] Yeah. That’s what it does, buddy. Keep cooking. I’m hungry, chef Eric. [Eric acts like he’s playing with his mustache.] He did a chef. Proud of you. The bottom line Colin, is that this is just another desperate attempt by the liberals to undermine all the great work my father is doing in the white house. [Eric eats the dough] Eric! Did you just eat play dough, bud?

Eric: No. [There is play dough all over his mouth.]

Donald Trump Jr.: Do not eat play dough. it’s bad for you, buddy. [Donald Trump Jr. gives his hand to Eric’s mouth] Spit it out. Let’s go. Spit it out. There you go.

Colin Jost: Well, thanks for stopping by.

Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah. I feel like it was a success. Thank you.

Colin Jost: Yeah. This was great.

Donald Trump Jr.: We better get going. We have a big day tomorrow. I’m having lunch with some new clients from Indonesia.

Eric: I’m going to see “Paw Patrol” on ice.

Colin Jost: Eric and Donald Trump Jr., everyone.

Royal Wedding

Prince Harry… Mikey Day

DeShawn… Chris Redd

Kate Middleton… Cecily Strong

Prince Charles… Beck Bennett

Queen Elizabeth… Kate McKinnon

Meghan’s uncle… Kenan Thompson

Prince William… Alex Moffat

Amber… Heidi Gardner

Sefdevin… Tina Fey

Russell Brand… Pete Davidson

Elton John… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Prince Harry making video at Royal Wedding Reception at Frogmore House]

Prince Harry: What’s up? It’s your boy, Harry Windsor, a.k.a., grown sleezely. Yeah. Official wedding video, 2018. It’s 2 AM, royal reception still going strong. Meghan’s out in the hallway trying to stop some of her white relatives from getting in coz they’re mental. But let’s see who’s hanging out. Right? Everybody’s here. Right?

[Prince Harry walks to 2]

What about you? What’s your name?

DeShawn: DeShawn.  I’m from Meghan’s side of family.

Prince Harry: Alright. I kind of figured that, right? How are you feeling tonight?

DeShawn: Um, outnumbered but good, man.

Prince Harry: Yeah.

[3 walks pass]

Oh, sis-in-law, Kate Middleton, right? You look a little tipsy, Kate.

Kate Middleton: Well, yeah. You know, for the past six years, I’ve been like, pregnant the whole time. So, I’m going hard tonight.

Prince Harry: Yeah. I can tell. I can tell. How much have you had to drink?

Kate Middleton: One glass of champagne, whoooo!

Prince Harry: Lightweight, lightweight. [turns around and sees his father] Oh, there he is. My dad, Prince Charles himself. So, pop, you proud of your youngest son?

Prince Charles: Yes.

Prince Harry: Anything else you’d like to say?

Prince Charles: No.

Prince Harry: Okay, then. Alright. Um, look at this combo here. Meghan’s great uncle talking to my grandmom, the queen of England. [They are sitting at the dining table]

Uncle: [he is drunk] Ay! Harry, man, I was just telling her majesty here that she has got to start watching “The Crown” because they make her look like a bitch on that show. Girl, they’re doing you dirty.

Queen Elizabeth: See, this gentleman has also said that I must visit Philadelphia.

Uncle: Yes! You got to visit Philly, man, and get some real food. Some Philly food.

Prince Harry: Alright. Little drunk. Good luck with that. Oh, now, get a shot of my brother William, the party animal right here.

[Prince William is drinking tea.]

He looks 50 years old.

Prince William: Oh! Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Prince Harry: Hey, how you doing? Chilling alone? Right? Right? What are you drinking, mate?

Prince William: Virgin Hot Toddy.

Prince Harry: So, a tea then. So sorry to hear that your hair could not make it.

Prince William: Oh, ha-ha-ha-ha. Brilliant! What a brilliant boy.

Prince Harry: Come on, dance, mate.

Prince William: No. I’m okay.

Prince Harry: Wills, come on. It’s my reception.

Prince William: Well, I suppose I could pass a few.

Prince Harry: There you go.

[Prince William and Prince Harry dance for the camera for some time.]

There you go.

Prince William: Oh, no. Grand mom just saw that. Bullocks!

[Queen Elizabeth is staring furiously at them]

Prince Harry: It’s alright. It’s my fault. Grandma, my fault.

Prince William: Apologize to grand mom.

Prince Harry: Enough family. Let’s go this way. Let’s go see the sheep sheets. We’ll say hi to the rando table. Every wedding’s got one. It’s the people who show up even though you didn’t think they would. Right? So, we’re gonna go say hi. It’s the polite thing to do. So, follow me. [Prince Harry walks through the door] Come on. Here we go. [walks to guests at the table] Alright, hello. How are you?

Amber: Hi.

Prince Harry: How are you doing? You friend of Meghan?

Amber: Yeah. I’m Amber. I worked with Meghan on “Deal or No Deal.” We were briefcase. We were briefcase girls together. I brought my briefcase. [she shows a briefcase to Prince Harry]

Prince Harry: You did. She brought the briefcase. Alright, that’s not sad at all. That’s very cool. I love it. [Prince Harry walks to another guest] Oh, let me guess, you’re from the groom side.

Sefdevin: Yes. I’m Dr. Sefdevin Pon Comp. Your father’s uncle once removed, married my mom who is his cousin. So, I am both your aunt and your niece.

Prince Harry: Lovely.

Sefdevin: Last I saw you, you were we wee boy. it was after polo match in comp.

Prince Harry: Alright, stop saying comp.

Sefdevin: And I was kicked in the face by a horse.

Prince Harry: Oh, yeah. Aunty Creepy. Oh, my lord. Dad used to say if we were bad, we’d have to come live with you.

Sefdevin: Ha-ha-ha. Right, he was because I’m the monster and bit of a paedophile.

Prince Harry: Okay. Wish you well here. Thank you for coming. Here’s your hat. That’s concerning. Alright, let’s go to the celebrity table. Russell Brand!

Russell Brand: Yeah!

Prince Harry: Alright. That’s all. And oh, sir Elton John. Yeah!

Elton John: [singing] Hold me closer, tight,
coz we’re here

Prince Harry: Yeah. Very clever. Yeah. You enjoying yourselves?

Elton John: Look at my jacket, Harry. What do you think? I’m having a wonderful Saturday! [singing]

Prince Harry: Singing the heat. Alright. Oh, he’s an American celebrity, miss Leslie Jones.

[Prince Harry walks to Leslie Jones.]

Yeah? Thank you. Leslie, tell everyone why you’re here.

Leslie Jones: Yeah. So, I started tweeting about the wedding 2 days ago. And then I got invited. Just like the olympics. That’s my thing. I might be at that North Korean meeting. We’ll see. Where Oprah at? Oh, there she goes. [yelling] Oprah!

[Leslie Jones walks away]

Prince Harry: Okay. This is wild. Oh-oh! Look what’s going on over there. Aunt Creepy! [His aunt is kissing DeShawn] Alright, watch out. She is a paedophile. Alright, I need to stop DeShawn from making the worst mistake of his life. Royal 2018. Prince Harry Markle, signing off, right? Yeah!

Morning Joe

Joe Scarborough… Alex Moffat

Mika Brzezinski… Kate McKinnon

Willie Geist… Mikey Day

Meghan McCain… Aidy Bryant

Natalia Veselnitskaya… Tina Fey

[Starts with “Morning Joe” intro.]

[song playing]

[Cut to Joe and Mika. Mika is drinking a smoothie.]

Joe: Yeah, good morning.

Mika: Good morning.

Joe: Oh, that’s an original song by guess who?

Mika: Oh, who?

Joe: Mua, Joe Scarborough.

Mika: Oh, my god.

Joe: Ha-ha. It’s called “World of Insanity.” Mika loves it.

Mika: Everyone already knows this but Joe has a band.

Joe: Yeah. That’s right. We’re called Scarborough. Pretty sick. We play that at “Prohibition” on Friday. The audience was just packed with MSNBC interns. Welcome to “Morning Joe.” It’s like crossfire that took place in the cafe car of an amtrak. I’m Joe, that’s Mika.

Mika: And joining us as always is Norman Rockwell painting come to life, Willie Geist.

Willie: Good morning, guys.

Joe: Alright. We got a great show. Mika has added two new exasperated groans to her repertoire.

Mika: Oh! Stop that!

Joe: Seriously. Watch this.

Mika: Don’t! Don’t do it.

Joe: Devin Nunes says that publicly naming members of the FBI is a patriotic act.

Mika: Ghaah!

Joe: Ooh, ha-ha. I love that one. Very nice, Mika. Very nice.

Mika: I cannot.

Joe: Okay, here we go. Trump said anyone who didn’t vote for Gina Haspel for the CIA is not a feminist like he is.

Mika: [squeaky voice] Oooh!

Joe: Oh, ha-ha-ha. This tea kettle’s about to blow, baby.

Mika: And the level of hypocrisy–

Joe: Off she goes.

Mika: — is unparalled on this or any other time. And I can’t. And I [squeaky voice] aaaah!

Joe: Hey, she’s got a third ground but that’s only for daddy. Ain’t it?

Mika: Would you stop? [Joe and Mika look into each other’s eyes intimately] You’re horrible.

Joe: You’re worse.

[Willie is confused]

Willie Geist, the White House still hasn’t apologized for the outrageous remarks about senator John McCain.

Mika: It’s outrageous.

Joe: Special assistant Kelly Sadler made a tasteless joke about McCain who was very sick.

Mika: Unconscionable.

Joe: Now, joining us is a woman who I’m sure has been hurt by this. Meghan McCain.

[Cut to Meghan McCain in her home.]

Meghan: Hi, Joe.

[Cut to split screen with Joe, Mika and Meghan]

Joe: Meghan, such a pleasure to have you on

Mika: It’s a pleasure.

Joe: Now, these comments about your dad are frankly disrespectful.

Mika: Vile.

Joe: What is your reaction here?

Meghan: Well, I–

Joe: [interrupting] Because from where we’re sitting, your dad is a hero.

Mika: Truly.

Joe: I mean the man was tortured for six years.

Mika: I have his picture on my fireplace.

Joe: So, tell us. What are you feeling right now.

Meghan: I am–

Joe: [interrupting] Because I would be hurt.

Mika: Me too.

Joe: I would be outraged.

Mika: I mean, I am.

Joe: It’s a terrible time but you’re holding up great.

Mika: Youre amazing, Meghan.

Joe: Meghan McCain, thanks for joining us. And hang in there, okay?

[Cut to the show set]

She’s a peach, ain’t she?

Mika: Yes. She’s  beautiful woman.

Joe: Well, she’s no Mika mouse, I’ll tell you that.

[Joe and Mika look into each other’s eyes intimately]

Mika: Yeah?

Joe: That’s right.

Mika: You wanna play peekaboo with your Mika mouse?

Joe: You bet I do.

Mika: Yeah? [Joe covers his eyes. Mika stands and moves close to Joe and puts her breasts near his eyes.] Peek-ah-boob!

[Willie is fully confused]

Joe: Mama-sita.

Mika: It’s okay.

Joe: Well, the senate has just released thousands of pages about that June 2016 meeting between the members of the Trump campaign and Russians who said they had damaging information on Hillary Clinton.

Mika: Wow!

Joe: President Trump says he knew nothing about the meeting.

Mika: About?

Joe: Yeah. Here to explain is the Russian lawyer who is there, Natalia Veselnitskaya.

[Cut to Natalia in her home]

Natalia: Greetings, Joe and Mika. I’m so happy to clear this up.

[Cut to split screen with Joe, Mika and Natalia]

Joe: So, Natalia, Don Jr. thought you had some secret information on Hillary Clinton. That’s collusion, isn’t it?

Natalia: No, Joe. They say this meeting is illegal but it’s so ridiculous. It makes me laugh hysterically. [laughing]

Mika: Miss, Veselnitskaya, now, did Donald Trump know about this meeting?

Natalia: Of course not. The meeting was top secret held at an undisclosed location in Trump Tower, three floors below apartment of Donald Trump.

Mika: Right. So, the meeting with Trump campaign took place in Trump Tower with Donald Trump Jr. and Donald Trump knew nothing about it?

Natalia: Well, when you say it like that, it sounds like idiot. But, yes.

Joe: Alright. So, tell us exactly what happened in that meeting?

Natalia: It was also harmless. I go to Trump Tower. It is beautiful place with tourists and shops that sell cologne and fancy chocolates. It’s like a very tall duty free store. Then you go upstairs to meet Don Jr. who was very mysterious man. You don’t know where his chin ends and his neck begins. Then the meeting begins by handing out the customary Russian gift– um, my English not good, the rectangle with the money, bribe. Then I say, “My name is Natalia. I am lawyer who can help Mr. Trump to make lots of money from Russia.” They said, “We already have one of those. His name is Michael Cohen.” And then they leave. Very easy meeting. Very fun. And no one was poisoned.

Joe: Well, I guess that settles it. Natalia Veselnitskaya, thank you.

Mika: Thank you. Let’s take a break. As we go out, here’s a preview of Joe’s new single, “Circus fun.”

Joe: Ha-ha. Available on iTunes, gang.

[Cut to “Morning Joe” outro. “Circus fun” song playing in the background.]

 

Donald Trump Robert Mueller Cold Open

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Waitress… Heidi Gardner

Rudy Giuliani… Kate McKinnon

Michael Cohen… Ben Stiller

Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day

Eric… Alex Moffat

Robert Mueller… Robert De Niro

[Starts with Donald Trump walking into a Holsten’s Restaurant in Bloomfield, NJ. He takes a seat and a waitress comes to him.]

Waitress: Oh, my god. Mr. President. Welcome. Is it just you?

Donald Trump: No, I’m meeting some friends.

Waitress: Okay. Great. [passing Donald Trump the menu] Well, let me know if you have any questions.

Donald Trump: I do, actually. Is HPV different than HIV?

Waitress: I’ll give you a minute.

[Donald Trump looks at the small jukebox on his table. He puts a coin and plays music.]

[Rudy Giuliani walks in and takes seat on the same booth.]

Rudy Giuliani: Hey.

Donald Trump: Hey.

Rudy Giuliani: How are you doing?

Donald Trump: So, Rudy, did you go on FOX News last night?

Rudy Giuliani: Like, 20 times, yeah. Don’t worry, I told them that you are openly colluding with Russia but then I ended with, “So what?” It should all be fine. Yeah.

Donald Trump: Thanks, Rudy.

Rudy Giuliani: I even confessed to some crimes you didn’t do. And then I said, “What are you gonna do? Arrest the president? I dare you. Ah!”

Donald Trump: Okay! I think they get the point. [Donald Trump holds Rudy Giuliani’s hands] Rudy, I really appreciate everything you’ve done for me.

Rudy Giuliani: Hey, you’re the best client I’ll ever have.

[Michael Cohen walks in and takes seat on the same booth.]

Donald Trump: Michael Cohen, there’s my guy.

Rudy Giuliani: So, how was work today?

Michael Cohen: Ah! You know, really bad. Mostly just prepared to go to jail and stuff. He said I might get 20 years unless I give you up.

Donald Trump: I’ve heard jail’s fun.

Michael Cohen: Fun?

Donald Trump: Yeah. Just like camp. Plus there’s free gym. Dude, you’re going to get so jacked.

Rudy Giuliani: They’re giving up programs in jail where you can get a real law degree. Ha-ha-ha.

Michael Cohen: Well, you can always come visit.

Donald Trump: I would but golf.

Michael Cohen: Anyway, you got to focus on the good times. Isn’t that what you once told me boss?

Donald Trump: I did?

Michael Cohen: Yeah. Remember? That’s why you told me to keep a copy of that Russian Pee-tape.

Rudy Giuliani: Oh, I gotta remember the show that is on clip on CNN tomorrow. Don Lemon’s gonna love that.

Donald Trump: Yeah. [Donald Trump holds Michael Cohen’s hand] Hey, whatever happens, I’m proud of you, Michael.

Michael Cohen: Thanks. I love you too.

Donald Trump: I didn’t say that.

[Donald Trump Jr. walks in.]

Don Jr.

[Donald Trump Jr. takes seat in the same booth.]

So, where is Eric?

Donald Trump Jr.: He is still parallel parking outside.

[Cut to Eric trying to park his tricycle.]

[Cut back to inside the restaurant]

Donald Trump: You know, I couldn’t think of three people I’d rather be here with tonight. A best son and two of my last 15 lawyers.

Michael Cohen: Hey, [raising his glass of soda] to a great first year of the Russian investigation.

Rudy Giuliani: And many more.

[They all raise their glasses]

[Robert Mueller walks in and takes seat in another booth.]

Donald Trump Jr.: Dad, maybe tomorrow I can show you that Chinese deal we didn’t talk about.

Donald Trump: Yeah, yeah. That sounds great. [whispering] Is that Robert Mueller?

Michael Cohen: Oh, and good news. You know that woman who is suing you for groping in defaming her? I found a guy who is willing to threaten her kids.

Donald Trump: Yeah, that sounds great, Michael. [whispering] Am I the only one that sees that guy? [pointing at Robert Mueller]

Rudy Giuliani: And hey, hey, I think I figured out a loophole where they can’t legally subpoena you. Have you ever heard the phrase ‘faking your own death?’

Donald Trump: Uh, yeah, sure. Rudy, we can look into that for sure.

Donald Trump Jr.: Dad, are you okay?

[Robert Mueller walks pass them and points at Donald Trump. Nobody sees him except Donald Trump.]

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Chicago Improv

Alex Moffat

Tina Fey

Mikey Day

Melissa Villaseñor

Chris Redd

Luke Null

[Starts with video clips of “Chicago Fire.”]

Male voice: You love “Chicago Fire”, the greedy drama about the brave men and women in the windy city. And you couldn’t tear your eyes away from Chicago PD. Now, Dick Wolf is back with a new drama about another group of Chicago and struggling in the face of an unforgiving city.

[A group of young people gather together]

Alex: You guys ready?

Tina: Let’s do this.

[The group walk to the stage]

Male voice: It’s Dick Wolf’s “Chicago Improv.” An unfiltered look at the cut through world of the Chicago’s Improv comedy scene.

Tina: All we need is a suggestion of household object. Anything you have around your house.

Audience: Dildo.

Tina: Okay. Um, something other than dildo please.

Audience: Two dildos.

Male voice: Unflinching in its depiction of the real lives of the Chicago Improvisors. Dialog ripped from real life improv classes.

[Cut to Alex and Mikey arguing about their improv]

Alex: Hey! Great object work out there.

Mikey: Oh, yeah. Coz all of your sweep edits were perfectly timed.

[Melissa walks in sobbing]

Melissa: [yelling] Stop it! We’re all in the same Herald team.

[Chris walks in from the door]

Chris: Guys, you know who’s in the audience right now?

Male voice: “What the hell was everything they just said?” asks The New York Times. And the Boston Globe wonders, “Who is Greg Amico? Should I know who that is?” Watch as people wearing plaid balance love and ambition in America’s number three comedy market.

[Cut to Alex running into Tina in the streets]

Alex: I heard you’re doing standup now?

Tina: Just some open mics.

Alex: I guess you’ll have what you wanted. Stage all to yourself.

Tina: Hey! How many people from Torco even make it to main stage?

Male voice: I don’t really know who the bad guys is here.

[Cut to the team having fun in a room. Mikey walks in.]

Mikey: Guys, I booked it. I’m filming two commercials for Lou Malnati’s.

[Everyone is speechless and angry. Chris walks towards him clapping slowly]

Chris: Congrats… Hollywood.

Male voice: “The only show with real Chicago faces and bodies… I wanna see pretty people” complains the Hollywood Reporter. While USA Today says, “The fire imagery was misleading.”

[Cut to the team performing]

Tina: [acting handicapped] My name is Jakie Jake and I was born in a log cabin.

Male voice: “Did Dick Wolf lose a bet? Why did he make this?” asks the Wall Street Journal. “Too much improv” says Improv Magazine. If they didn’t like it, you’re gonna hate Dick Wolf’s “Chicago Improv.”

Handmaids in the City

Alex Moffat

Of Fred… Amy Schumer

Of Warren… Kate McKinnon

Of John… Aidy Bryant

Of Gary… Cecily Strong

[Starts with “Handmaids in the City” intro]

Female voice: Let’s face it, ladies. In 2018, a handmaid’s tale is basically our “Sex and the City.” So, whether you’re Of Fred or Of Warren, you’ll love who lose all new spinoff show, “Handmaids in the City.”

[Cut to Of Fred having her meal. She is talking to Alex. He a guard with a taser in his hand. All women are wearing red robes and white bonnets.]

Of Fred: We’ve been sent good weather.

Alex: Praise be.

Female voice: As I waited for the girls in Downtown, Gillette, I was feeling like an uptown gal and I couldn’t help but wonder, “Are women allowed to do anything anymore?”

[Of John and Cecily walk in]

Of John: Under his eye.

Of Fred: Oh! Under his eye? What about under my eye? Look at these bags.

Cecily: Oh, stop it, Of Fred. You know it doesn’t matter what our faces look like,

Of Fred: As long as we’re fertile.

[ladies laughing]

Cecily: Of John, how’s the new place?

Of John: Amazing. It’s rent controlled. John controls me. And I don’t pay rent.

[ladies laughing]

Cecily: You’re bad.

Of Fred: Yeah, but not too bad. Otherwise you get [makes choking sound, gesturing her hand as hanging on a rope].

[ladies laughing]

[Cut to the show intro]

Female voice: From the Executive Producer of “Sex and the City” and 80 year old author, Margaret Atwood, it’s a show critics are calling, “So brutal” and “More uplifting than the news.”

[Cut back to the ladies. Of Warren joins them.]

Of Warren: Sorry, I’m late.

Of John: Under his–

Of Warren: [interrupting] Ah! don’t. [She has swollen eye.]

Of John: Ooh.

Of Fred: Did you get a little work done?

Of Warren: Is it that obvious?

Of John: No. It looks good on you. You look younger.

Of Warren: Well, this is what I get for reading a newspaper.

[ladies laughing]

Cecily: Of Warren, something really is different about you.

Of Fred: I know. It’s that new manolo bonnet.

Cecily: No. No, that’s not it. You lost weight?

Of Warren: I gave birth. Does that count?

[ladies laughing]

[Cut to the show intro]

Female voice: You’ll laugh. You’ll cry. You’ll say, “Oh my god, this so could be me and my friends. You know, with the way things are going.”

[Cut back to the ladies]

Of John: Gals, guess what I did last night?

Of Fred: Are your rashan in silence and cried into your straw bed?

Of John: Yes. Classic me.

Of Warren: Well, I had sex with a married couple.

Of John: Ooh, so did I. Who would have guessed we’d be having three ways in our 30s?

Of Fred: Three way? How about a one way ticket out of here?

[ladies laughing]

Cecily: So, I’m seeing someone new.

Of Warren: Really?

Cecily: Yeah. I’m Of Gary now.

Of Fred: Bless it be the fruit.

Of John: Bless it be my fruit. I’m sweating under these robes.

[ladies laughing]

Of Warren: Oh! I hate to always talk about our guy problems. But my commanding officer Warren and I are having issues.

Of Fred: Of what? What’s wrong?

Of Warren: Argh! It’s his ex. His last handmaid hung herself and he’s just not over it.

Of Fred: So, you’re saying he’s ‘hung up’ on her?

[Alex tases Of Fred]

Of Fred thinking: As I was getting tased, I was shocked at my lack of rights in this new world but stunned at how amazing I look in red.

[Of Fred smiles as she gets tased.]

[Cut to show outro]

Female voice: “Handmaids in the City.” If you’re not traumatized, you’re not watching TV.