Tag: Andrew Dismukes

White House TikTok Meeting Cold Open

Joe Biden… James Austin Johnson

Chloe Fineman

Kenan Thompson

Aidy Bryant

Melissa Villaseñor

Andrew Dismukes

Jen Psaki… Kate McKinnon

Bowen Yang

[Starts with a video message]

Male voice: This week as the warring Ukraine intensified, access to Facebook and Instagram in the country were shut off leaving only one source of information, TikTok. So on Thursday, the White House responded by holding a national security briefing with some of the nation’s top TikTok creators. We take you now inside that historic meeting.

[Cut to TikTok creators inside White House with President Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Thank you all so much for coming and answering your nation’s call in time and need.

TikToker 1: Oh, yeah, sure.

TikToker 2: Hey, no problem.

TikToker 3: I’m 14.

TikToker 4: Our schedules are super flexible.

TikToker 5: Yeah. And we love White House.

Jason Derulo: [singing] Jason Derulo.

Joe Biden: I also want to thank my Press Secretary Jen Psaki for having the vision to set this up.

Jen Psaki: I suggested it as a joke and then it actually happened.

Joe Biden: People are saying this is the first war fought on TikTok which is tough for me because I’m the landline of presidents. That’s why I need you. Okay. I understand Putin. I understand war. There’s one thing I don’t understand, computer.

Jen Psaki: He means technology but he says computer.

Joe Biden: Computer very mean to me. Computer always asked to run an update right when I turn computer on. Whenever I type in “Malarkey”, Computer say “Did you mean magenta?”

Jen Psaki: The point is we need fresh ideas from you guys about how we can win the information war on social media. So yeah, you.

TikToker 1: Hey, guys, I’m an actress from the CW.

Joe Biden: Great, what’s your name?

TikToker 1: Actress from the CW. And while Putin might have tanks and bombs, there’s something even more powerful we can attack him with, poems.

Jen Psaki: Oh, no, it’s that girl.

TikToker 1: [music playing in the background]

Dear Vladimir Putin. If I was your mother, I would have loved you more. If I was your wife, I would have been so, so, so mad at you. If I was your baby brother, I–

Jen Psaki: Thank you. Thank you. I think– yeah, we got it. Do you have any actual useful suggestions?

TikToker 1: Sure. Here are five ways to stop the war in Ukraine. [dancing]

Joe Biden: What’s happening? Do you see anything?

Jen Psaki: I think she’s expecting text to show up.

Joe Biden: All right. Then you, what’s your thing?

TikToker 5: Oh, me? Let’s just say I do raps and pranks. Maybe you’ve heard of my squad “The BooBoo boys”.

Jen Psaki: I think you know the President has never heard of the BooBoo boys.

Joe Biden: Wait a second. The BooBoo boys? Don’t you live in the Crenshaw house with one nut Kevin and dumbass Larry?

TikToker 5: Ha-ha-ha. Oh, we got a BooBoo head.

Joe Biden: Y’all, y’all, one time they prank the dude and threw him down five flights of stairs. It was hilarious.

Jen Psaki: That sounds like an amazing hobby.

TikToker 5: Yeah, we made $30 million last year.

Jen Psaki: God, I hate this world. Did you have a plan for how to defeat Putin?

TikToker 5: Yeah, I’m cooking some up.

Jen Psaki: Is it pushing him down a flight of stairs?

TikToker 5: It is.

Jen Psaki: All right. That’s cool. What about you?

Jason Derulo: Jason Derulo.

Jen Psaki: Yeah, I know. That’s your name. What do you do?

Jason Derulo: Jason Derulo.

Jen Psaki: I’m skipping you. You’re You’re skipped.

Jason Derulo: Jason Derulo.

Joe Biden: Hey. How about your little girl? You look incredibly cute.

TikToker 3: Me? Thank you. I do silly animal makeup for kids.

Joe Biden: Well, that’s adorable. Oh, what do you think we could do to win this war?

TikToker 3: Oh, you mean the one started by your son Hunter Biden? With his pal that Burisma? Where’s the laptop? Is he in this room?

Jen Psaki: Okay, thank you. Thank you, honey.

Joe Biden: You don’t expect the animal makeup girl to be all right. Who’s this random middle aged guy?

TikToker 2: Oh, yeah. Hello. My name is Charles F. Emilio. I’m a roofer from Pittsburgh.

Joe Biden: Why are you here?

TikToker 2: I don’t know. I suspect you may have confused me for Charli D’Amelio, the Joe BidenJason Derulo year old girl with Joe BidenTikToker 20 million followers on the TikTok.

Jen Psaki: That sounds right.

TikToker 2: So I tell you what, I’m gonna head out. But first, you don’t have to have an extra one of those COVID Steamy chicks laying around by any chance. Do you?

Joe Biden: I’m afraid not.

Jen Psaki: We don’t, I’m sorry.

TikToker 2: All right. All right. Well, good luck with the World War and not that you care what a roofer thinks about Putin, but maybe you should put someone up on a roof and ping-pong-pow-pow-pow. [Hand gesture showing shooting with gun] Y’all have a good one.

Joe Biden: Thank you.

Jen Psaki: All right, it’s down to you. What do you do?

TikToker 4: Who, me? Oh, I just go up behind people on the street with this weird pipe thing and I go “Munanyo. Chupapi munanyo!”

Joe Biden: What would you do about Ukraine?

TikToker 4: Um, I would go up behind the Russian tanks and go “Munanyo. Chupapi munanyo!”

Jen Psaki: How did you get here today?

TikToker 4: You flew me first class from California. And on the plane I went up behind the pilot and said “Munanyo. Chupapi munanyo!”

Joe Biden: That’s actually the best plan I’ve heard so far.

[TikToker 7 walks in]

TikToker 7: Hang on. You haven’t heard from me. Sorry, I’m late guys. Some reason security was giving me a hard time.

Joe Biden: Okay, this is awesome. Who the heck are you?

TikToker 7: Oh, I’m just that guy who does a bunch of insane tricks using the toilet plunger stuck to my nipples. In terms of the most famous people on TikTok, it’s like me and Reese Witherspoon.

Jen Psaki: We were actually about to wrap this meeting up because it was clearly a bad idea.

TikToker 7: Hey, don’t do that. Don’t just yank the plunger off the nipple like that. The idea of asking TikTok stars how to fight Russia might sound like a joke. Remember, they said the same thing about the radio and World War II. Never underestimate the importance of new technology. We haven’t reaches young people in ways you can never understand. TikTok is in some childish gimmick. It has more power and more influence than the nightly news.

Joe Biden: That was truly inspiring, young man.

TikToker 7: I’m 55. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna move this plunger to my crotch attach a knife at the end and try to slice an apple in half. God bless America.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Princess and The Frog

Cecily Strong

Princess… Zoë Kravitz

Frog… Chris Redd

Dr. Facilier… Kenan Thompson

Firefly… Andrew Dismukes

[Starts with the channel intro]

Female voice: You’re watching Disney minus, the movies Disney doesn’t really promote as much. We now return to The Princess and the Frog.

[Cut to the show]

Cecily: [singing] Tale as old as 09′
takes place in a bar
Princess finally black
Why the plot so wack
Princess and the Frog

[Cut to the princess. There’s a frog on her table.]

Princess: I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I think I’ve fallen in love with a frog.

Frog: I know it’s crazy, right? I’m like this frog and you’re like this princess. But I guess it’s true what they say. Love is Love is love. I hope I’m not being too forward, Tiana, but will you kiss me?

Princess: Of course I will. Because love conquers all.

Frog: Exactly. You love me for me. You don’t care. And I’m a frog and frogs don’t have penises.

Princess: What was that?

Frog: It’s just a scientific fact. Frogs don’t have penises, but she don’t care. And that’s why I love you.

Princess: Yeah, for sure. And is that something that everybody just knows?

Frog: I think it’s out there. Yeah. It’s one of the first thing that comes out when you google frog penis. You know what? Let’s just kiss and get married. If we could tackle the whole no penis thing, lady.

Princess: Sorry. If you don’t have a penis, what do you have?

Frog: Oh, it’s every woman’s dream. I got balls that just shoot stuff directly on you. No pesky pain is getting in the way.

Princess: Oh, wow.

Frog: Yeah, it’s like they always say. Who needs a straw when I can just throw the milkshake right in your face? Now how about that kiss?

Princess: Yeah, I don’t know. I might have to rethink this a bit.

Frog: Oh, come on. Size doesn’t matter.

Princess: I think it does when it’s zero. How do you even have sex?

Frog: Oh, I’ll explain in great details. You see I climb on your back like this, and I wrap my arms around your body. And then I stay there for two days and I croak loudly in your ear until you lay your eggs. How many eggs do you lay typically?

Princess: I don’t lay eggs.

Frog: Oh, that could be a deal breaker.

Princess: You know, this never came up when we dissected frogs in high school. So…

Frog: You what?

[Dr. Facilier walks in]

Dr. Facilier: Well, well, well, if it isn’t the prince that I cursed.

Frog: Oh, my God. It’s Captain Hook.

Dr. Facilier: What? No. I am Dr. Facilier, the Voodoo witch doctor from this movie.

Princess: So if I kiss this frog, he’ll transform back into a prince?

Dr. Facilier: Only if it’s true love.

Princess: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. And what would happen with his penis?

Dr. Facilier: What do you mean?

Princess: Well, apparently frogs don’t have them.

Dr. Facilier: The hell? How do they–

Princess: They just shoot out the nuts?

Frog: On the plus side, I can do oral from like five feet away.

Dr. Facilier: Well, I guess if he changed back to being a human, he would get his penis back.

Princess: Then let’s do it. Let’s kiss and join our souls forever.

Frog: And what if I didn’t have a penis before?

Princess: What?

Frog: Like as a human before the curse. What if hypothetically, it got ripped clean off in a bowling alley? When she kisses me, would it grow back?

Dr. Facilier: A bowling alley?

Frog: I tried to hump the ball return machine as a joke. And the gears sort of tore it clean off.

Princess: Stop saying clean off.

Frog: If you saw it, you’d agree.

Dr. Facilier: Look, you let a weird frog dude. I don’t know what the hell is going on with you, but at least you a prince.

Frog: That’s right. The Prince of Newark, New Jersey.

Princess: Okay, I’m out.

Dr. Facilier: Yeah, even for voodoo, this is messed up.

[A firefly flies in laughing]

Firefly: I reckon it’s about time I introduce myself. My name Ramo. But everybody around here call me Ray. I was the Cajun Firefly in the movie Princess Frog. I might be just about the worst Disney character ever created. Disney asked kids leaving the movie, “What do you think about Old Ray?” Every kid said, “Kill him. We don’t want to see oh Ray no place no way never again.” One time, they invited Old Ray to one of the character breakfasts over at the Disney World. They gave kids metal bats and said, “Go get him. Go kill Old Ray till he dead.” But don’t worry, then today Old Ray gonna be just fine–

[Firefly gets eaten by the frog]

Frog: Oh, damn!

Workplace Harrassment

Maria… Cecily Strong

Donald… Oscar Isaac

Kevin… Kenan Thompson

Deborah… Aidy Bryant

Lyle… Andrew Dismukes

Ego Nwodim

Bowen Yang

[Starts with Maria and Donald holding the HR meeting]

Maria: All right, everybody settled?

Donald: Everyone settle in, okay?

Maria: Let’s settle in everyone.

Donald: Please settle, please settle.

Kevin: We’re settled.

Donald: Okay. All right. For those of you who don’t know us, my name is Donald.

Maria: And my name is Maria. And we are your HR representatives here at Lynx Pharmaceuticals.

Donald: That’s right? We’re the ones that you come to when you have anonymous complaints. Like when Deborah told us what Kevin was doing.

Kevin: [looking at Deborah] You ratted on me, Deborah.

Deborah: I didn’t. I did not. No. I mean, why would I even care that you wait outside the women’s room and say “How did it go in there?”

Kevin: Just a simple good or bad would suffice.

Maria: Guys? We’re not here to lecture Kevin again.

Donald: God knows we spent enough time on Kevin, thanks to complaints from Deborah and Lyle.

Maria: Guys, today is our annual harassment seminar. And I know what you’re thinking, “We have to sit through this again? I’m gonna blow my fricking brains out.”

Donald: “Argh! This whole spiel again? I’m gonna blow my god damn brains out.”

Ego: Please stop saying that.

Maria: We promise we are going to get this over with as quickly as possible so you can get back to work.

Donald: That’s right. And Kevin can get back to peeking under bathroom stalls.

Kevin: [looking at Lyle] You told him about that?

Lyle: Your face was fully under my stall.

Maria: Okay, this is real simple, guys. We’re just going to run through a couple scenarios and you guys tell us whether they’re appropriate or inappropriate. Okay?

Donald: Here’s the first one.

Maria: What if Maria says to Donald – “Wow, looks like those workouts you’ve been doing are really paying off.”

Ego: I would say that’s inappropriate.

Maria: Wrong.

Donald: Let’s try another one. Okay, what if Donald said to Maria – “Wow, how often are you going to the gym? Your body is seriously fantastic.”

Deborah: I mean, that’s very inappropriate.

Donald: Sorry, no.

Maria: Try to really focus this time. Maria comes up behind Donald and says, “Damn, do you live at the gym or something? Because that juicy booty slack.”

Bowen: Wildly inappropriate.

Donald: Actually, it’s not because I’m her boss.

Maria: See? Try to really listen, guys.

Donald: Okay. What if Maria’s boss said to Maria – “Hey, when are you going to start banging out kids? The clock is ticking baby.”

Bowen: Again, very inappropriate.

Maria: What if my boss is my grandfather? And he just really wants grandkids.

Bowen: Okay, but he shouldn’t be saying it at work in front of other people.

Deborah: And wait, I thought Donald was your boss.

Donald: [mocking] I thought Donald was– You know what? This isn’t a game Deborah. Next slide.

Maria: Donald says to Maria – “Hey, N word, are you going to the gym later? Or am I gonna have to drag your thick ass there myself?”

Bowen: It’s really awful and inappropriate.

Donald: Actually, it’s fine.

Ego: Actually, it’s not.

Maria: He didn’t mean that N word. He meant nice.

Bowen: He was saying “Hey, nice”?

Maria: Yeah. Because he’s a chatty and he says “Hey, you’re nice”, all the time.

Ego: That’s also inappropriate.

Donald: Not if she is my boss.

Lyle: Also, why  all of these examples about the two of you?

Maria: Wow! The two of us? That’s how you see it.

Donald: Wow. So you see a man and a woman working together, so automatically you think they’re having raw intercourse?

Lyle: No one said that.

Maria: You see a woman in a hot skirt suit, nothing underneath and just because your eyes are going “Ahoo-kaa” hoping she’s gonna take a bite out of her boss’s fat bottom sandwich, that automatically means they’re about to have raw intercourse.

Deborah: Stop saying raw intercourse.

Donald: Oh, will you shut up Deborah? Kevin was worried about what he said during the investigation. You are an uptight bitch.

Deborah: Oh my god. This is horrible.

Maria: Exactly. [Maria and Donald start clapping]

Donald: You hear that? It’s clapping.

Maria: We’re clapping for you. Because we’re not your HR representatives.

Donald: No. We’re from a group called “It could be worse.” And we show employees that no matter how bad your workplace environment might be, it could be worse.

Maria: It could be way worse.

Ego: What are we supposed to do with this information?

Donald: Right? So I want you all to walk back into your offices, take a deep breath, just start typing.

Ego: He has no idea what we do.

Donald: Right when you’re finished taping your types, you just go home for the day. The women to their hunky husbands and the men to their shrill, nagging wives. And I want you to think about us and how we showed you a new way to work, a new way to live, maybe even a new way to love.

Maria: You’ll wonder, “What ever happened to those two? Did they end up going to the men’s room and having raw intercourse?”

Donald: And the answer is yes. Yes, they did.

[Maria and Donald walk out]

[Kevin is wearing a GoPro camera on his forehead]

Kevin: Unrelated, which stall are you going to be using?

All: Kevin!

Family Band

Heidi Gardner

Patrick… Mikey day

Andrew Dismukes

Kyle Mooney

John Mulaney

[Starts with Heidi and Mikey outside a house door]

Heidi: Babe, I’m so excited for you to meet my brothers. You remind me so much of them.

Mikey: I’m a little nervous.

Heidi: No Don’t be. They’re gonna love you. You guys are like identical.

Mikey: Well, if they’re Niners fans like you said, I think we’ll get along just fine.

[Heidi’s brothers open the door. They’re all wearing suits and are ready to play music]

Andrew: Well, well, well.

Kyle: Look what the little mamacita dragged in.

John: Say, Raggedy Ann, who’s the beanpole?

Heidi: Oh, my God! I knew you guys would razz me. This is Patrick. Patrick, these are my brothers.

Mikey: Uh, nice to meet you guys.

Kyle: You can call me Sweet Vermouth. And these stray mutts are the Speakeasy Bandits. Bienvenidos!

Mikey: Okay.

[They walk in]

John:

Come on, come on. Grab a seat. Barrel or barber chair? Dealer’s choice.

Mikey: All right. [to Heidi] These guys remind you of me? Are they, like, in a band or…?

Heidi: Yeah, my brothers have a band, yes.

Andrew: And, uh, we sure could use our standup bassist back.

Heidi: Oh, come on. You guys know I had to give that up because of my job. Unless, of course, you guys are making money from this now. Are you guys making money?

Andrew: Nope. A three, four. . .

[They start playing]

Kyle: [singing] Walking down the alley,
About a quarter past ten

John: Tell ’em, Sweet Vermouth.

Kyle: Got a dime on my side
and a big old bottle of gin

Heidi: Oh, my God, it’s “Gin Alley”!

All: Gin Alley, Whoa, daddio, Gin Alley
Whoa, daddio

Andrew: And a big ol’ bottle of gin

Kyle: All right.

Heidi: Whoo! Yes! Yeah, you guys sound so great! Have you been smoking more cigarettes?

Kyle: Bull’s eye, pussycat.

John: With a side of Cubanos.

Mikey: So, again, what’s the similarity you’re seeing between us?

Heidi: Wait. Are you jealous of how masculine they are? Oh, my God, this always happens to me.

Mikey: No, I’m not.  They’re all wearing giant, oversized suits. I don’t even know what style that is.

Kyle: Slow your roll, Rover. Not much of a music guy, I take it? We’re a swing revival revival band.

Mikey: Swing revival revival?

Andrew: That’s right, Rover.

Heidi: Yeah, babe, remember in the 90s when everyone was into swing?

Andrew: Yeah, Rover. We’re trying to bring that back.

John: Like, make a little picture of this. The year is 1999. Slim Shady just told the world what his name is. Carson Daly is the new Walter Cronkite. And thanks to the Cherry Poppin’ Daddies, Big Bad Voodoo Daddy, and one Gap commercial, swing is king.

Kyle: Ay, yi, yi, yi, yiii, three, four!

[starts playing]

Andrew: Well, the devil was walkin’
He checked into a motel

Heidi: Oh, my God! It’s “Devil Daddy”!

Andrew: He got the roadster rolling
Gonna take that straight to hell

Heidi: Babe, let’s dance.

Mikey: Okay.

All: Devil Daddy
Whoa, daddio, Devil Daddy
Whoa, daddio

Mikey: Don’t kiss me to your brothers’ music, baby!

John: And a big old bottle of gin

Andrew: All right.

Heidi: Whoo! Yeah!I love you, my brothers.

Kyle: Oh, hey, you are too kind, pussycat!

Mikey: Can you please stop calling your sister “pussycat”?! Babe, you said we had so much in common and that they were Niners fans.

Heidi: Yeah, 1999’ers.

Mikey: There is no way you thought that’s what I meant.

Heidi: Well, you’re always saying how you’re such a 90’s kid.

Mikey: Yeah, I meant, like, “Rugrats” and stuff. I do not associate this with the 90’s.

Heidi: Okay. Well, I’m starting to feel like our relationship is a lie.

Mikey: What are you talking about?

John: [walks to Heidi] Did he hit you?

Mikey: Oh, my God.

Heidi: No, no, it’s not that. It’s just…  we’re too different. You come from a 90’s where everyone wore neon and watched “Friends,” and I come from a 90’s where my brothers are the coolest, hottest guys I know. And that’s who I am. This is who I am. Three, four!

[they start playing music]

When the jukebox plays
And the boogie begins

Kyle: Oh, spice it up, pussycat!

Heidi: We gotta boogieoogieoogie, a
nd a big old bottle of gin

All: Boogieoogieoogie
Whoa, daddio, boogieoogie
Whoa, daddio

Mikey: And a big ol’ bottle of gin

John: Nice pipes, toothpick.

Mikey: Yeah, I, used to be in a ska band.

Andrew: Boo!

Kyle: That sucks!

Heidi: Don’t tell people that.

John: Do you hit her?

Mikey: Dude, no, I don’t.

Office Song

Heidi Gardner

Melissa Villaseñor

Andrew Dismukes

Kyle Mooney

Jeremiah… Willem Dafoe

Punkie Johnson

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a group of employees in their office]

Heidi: Okay, gang, these are all the files for the Innotech case. We’re looking for any transactions that point to funneling of funds into improper overseas accounts.

Melissa: These files go back six years. This is gonna take all night.

Andrew: I mean, if we’re lucky.

Kyle: Guys, I’m sorry. There’s nothing we can do. But I did ask our new temp, Jeremiah, to order pizza.

Jeremiah: Done and done boss. I hope 24 biggies are enough.

Punkie: It seems like plenty, Jeremiah. Yo. And I think it’s great that you’re reentering the workforce at your age.

Jeremiah: Well, thank you ma’am. Retirement wasn’t for me. So I thought what the heck? I don’t know. I’m excited.

Heidi: Okay, well, come on everybody. Grab a box and dig in. The clock’s ticking. We might as well get started.

Andrew: Great.

[Andrew starts to play a beat with his pencil on the desk]

Punkie: Okay. Okay. Wait.

[Punkie makes clicking sounds with the stapler]

[Melissa makes tinging sound with the glass]

[Jeremiah is looking around smiling. He’s enjoying.]

Heidi: [singing] Zappada-zappada-zow

Kyle: I like that.

Heidi: Zappada-zappada-zow

Kyle: Oh yeah!

Heidi: Zappada-zappada-zow

Kyle: Oh yeah!

Heidi: Zappada-zappada-zow

Andrew: Pumpada-pumpada-pow

Kyle: In the jungle, the mighty jungle
the lion sleeps tonight

Kyle and Melissa: In the jungle, the quiet jungle
the lion sleeps tonight

[Jeremiah getting too excited throws a chair out of the window breaking the glass.]
do not eat in the jungle the quiet jungle

Heidi: Jerimiah!

Punkie: Why did you do that?

Jeremiah: I was trying to join in. I thought it would bounce off the window and make a cool sound.

Andrew: We’re 15 stories up, man. He’s gonna kill someone.

Heidi: What were you gonna do? Throw another chair every eight bar?

Jeremiah: Well, if it sounded cool, I would have.

[Kenan walks in]

Kenan: Ay, who threw a damn chair out this damn building?

Melissa: I’m sorry sir. Our temp had a little bit of a mishap.

Kenan: A mishap? Man, that chair just crushed my brand new Mercedes S class.

Jeremiah: We were signing an impromptu songs sir. Made it up on the spot. Then someone threw a chair. Do we remember who? Who did that?

Kenan: Man! You did a million dollars worth of damage.

Andrew: Sir, please. Look, I know this is bad. But it is his first day. Remember my first day? I was so nervous. I kept calling you daddy. You gave me a second chance.

Heidi: He’s got a point sir. What do you say?

Kenan: Hmm. I’m gonna regret this. But I’ll see you all here tomorrow.

[The next day]

Kenan: All right, let’s see it.

Andrew: Okay, Jeremiah. You can do this. Ready?

[They try to teach Jeremiah how to make sounds using office tools. But Jeremiah mistakenly throws the table top name plate at Heidi and she falls out of the window.]

All: Oh my god!

Kenan: No, no, it’s okay. It’s okay. She’s okay. She’s hanging on the ledge.

Jeremiah: I’ll throw another chair to help her climb out.

All: Jeremiah, no!

Kenan: Put the chair down.

Andrew: The worst temp ever!

Jail Ad SNL

Abby Pudd… Willem Dafoe

Andrew Dismukes

Punkie Johnson

Chris Redd

[Starts with 1 narrating the ad]

Abby Pudd: Done something wrong? Gotten yourself in a pickle or a jam? And now you have to go to jail?  Don’t. People in there are so mean. So, come on down to Nice Jail. I invented it. It’s like regular jail but nice. Hi. My name is Amy Pudd– Abby Pudd. And I’m the founder of, and warden of, Nice Jail. Why make a nice jail? Because I went to actual jail once and frankly, people were mean. My cellmate took one look at me and said, “Oh, hell, no. I ain’t sharing no cell with your vampire-head ass.” Then, later, he said, “Why are you in bed, Dracula? You know y’all don’t sleep at night with your vampire-head ass.” That kind of thing would never happen at Nice Jail. I guarantee it. But don’t take it from me. Take it from one of our satisfied inmates.

Andrew: After I got arrested for public intoxication, I was scared to go to jail. So, I served 10 days at Nice Jail and no one was mean to me. Later, when I went to court, the judge told me that none of it counted. And then my lawyer said, “Who told you to do that?” I said, this guy named Abby who was standing in front of the DMV. “And then my lawyer turned to the judge and gave him a look like, “Can you believe this?” And the judge just shook his head like I was so stupid, it was causing him pain. Thanks, Nice Jail.

Abby Pudd: No, thank you. Now, as that observant young man noticed, legally speaking, Nice Jail doesn’t count. And, no, you can’t choose to come here instead of going to mean jail. So, you might be asking yourself, “Why would I go to Nice Jail?” There are so many reasons. You got released from real jail but think you could use a little more time. You did something wrong but no one knows yet. You always wanted to go to an escape room but you don’t like puzzles. You don’t want someone holding a mirror up to your face and asking, “Why does your vampire head-ass have a reflection?” Does that answer your question? If it doesn’t, here’s another glowing review.

Punkie: So, I came to Dallas thinking I had booked a room at the Marriott. Then, I got there and this guy Abby told me he bought the place and changed the name to Nice Jail. Then, he told me something about how no one here is gonna pass you in a cafeteria on Garlic Bread Day, knock down your tray and say, “I just saved your vampire-head ass. You’re welcome!” Anyway, I stayed in Nice Jail for three days and Abby kept in touch. Like,  a lot. Which I guess is nice.

Abby Pudd: It’s not just nice. It’s Nice Jail. And I keep in touch with all my former inmates, even the ones who have done something bad that no one knows about yet. Here are other nice things you can expect about Nice Jail. Compliments. Time to yourself. No one asking, “Where are your fangs with your vampire-head ass?” Dignity. Business center. No one coming up to you when you’re working in the library and saying, “Hey, we saw a bat on the yard. That was you, right?” And then you’re like, “How could that be me? I’m not a bat, and I’m in the library.” And then they’re like, “Quit lyin’ with your vampire-head ass. How come you don’t just fly out of jail?” And you’re like, “Don’t you think I would if I could?” I promise, that will never happen at Nice Jail. Even our staff is nice.

Chris: I was hired to run clerical matters here at Nice Jail, and it is a mess. The government pays for regular jail, but I’m pretty sure no one pays for this. Like, I don’t think Abby even bought the building. There’s no water, and he pays me in “I live here.” One time I asked for time off and he said, “That’s not nice. Why are you being mean to my vampire-head ass?” Seems like he’s really internalized this whole vampire thing. Anyways, I’m pretty sure the city will shut us down soon.

Abby Pudd: I’d like to see them try. So, come on down to Nice Jail! And remember…

All: It doesn’t count.

Male voice: Nice Jail. Seriously, it doesn’t count.

Good Morning Columbus

Langdon Lee… Bowen Yang

Cheryl Worth… Ego Nwodim

Scott… Mikey Day

Dr. Bloom… Willem Dafoe

Cindy… Heidi Gardner

Nick… Andrew Dismukes

[Starts with show intro]

Female voice: Good news, it’s good morning Columbus.

[Cut to Langdon Lee and Cheryl Worth in their set]

Langdon Lee: Oh hi, oh hi.

Cheryl Worth: Ha-ha-ha. You are too much.

Langdon Lee: Welcome back. Langdon Lee alongside Cheryl Worth.

Cheryl Worth: Lots ahead in the 9 o’clock hour, but first our man about town, Scott is with a local author who’s written a new self help book about finding happiness through self discovery. Hmm, sounds interesting.

Langdon Lee: Yeah. Sure does. Scott’s down at a book signing of Bergman’s books, with Dr. Benjamin Bloom, author of “Blowing Yourself”. Scott.

Scott: Thanks Langdon. I am standing next to a man who hopes to help millions of folks find happiness through self exploration.

Langdon Lee: Sorry, Scott. I have to jump in. I misspoke before. Dr. Bloom’s book is titled “Knowing yourself.” Not “Blowing yourself”. For a lot of B words in a row on the teleprompter, I got a little tongue tied. Sorry about that, Scott.

Scott: It has happens. Now, Dr. Bloom. Tell us about your book.

Dr. Bloom: Well, it’s a feel good book. It’s about learning how to love yourself by going down deep and embracing the part of you that you discovered down there.

Scott: Wow, that’s a lot to swallow.
Cheryl Worth: I’m sorry Scott. Need to jump in here. We are having an issue with our graphics that is making this interview seem very inappropriate. The book is “Knowing yourself”. We do apologize.

Langdon Lee: Come on, graphics department. What are you doing? Get it together. Ha-ha-ha. Scot.

Scott: Thanks, Langdon. Now, Dr. Bloom, I see you have your wife here with you.

Dr. Bloom: Yes, come on over, honey.

Scott: Hi.

Dr. Bloom: This is my lovely wife, Cindy.

Scott: Now, Cindy, do you practice the techniques in your husband’s book?

Cindy: Oh, yes. It was a little harder for me to get there, though. I think women have to reach deeper into themselves to find the same happiness.

Dr. Bloom: Absolutely. Women are generally more complex. A lot more nooks and crannies to explore.

Cindy: Oh, yeah. You know, it can be an emotionally taxing process. You know, if you’re like me, your sensitive side is gonna take a lickin. But in the end, trust me, it’s so worth it. So buy his book. I had my nose buried in it for hours.

Scott: I’m sure you did. Thank you, Cindy. Now doctor, you’re going to teach me one of your breathing exercises here. Now, I tried yoga once and I was awful. So, hopefully I don’t suck here.

Dr. Bloom: It’s okay to suck. It’s how we learn.

Scott: Okay, good. We got some mats here.

Dr. Bloom: Let’s get down great.

Scott: Great.

Dr. Bloom: You can do this in a chair at home also. Okay. You want to center yourself like this.

Scott: Center.

Dr. Bloom: Now, breathe deeply. Really, fill your mouth with thoughts of–

Langdon Lee: Okay, no, no. Cut the audio. Folks. Oh, no. We are so deeply, deeply sorry. This looks very bad. Maybe go to sports? Yes, sports. Nick, you want to give people your Super Bowl predictions?

Nick: No, let’s let this play out.

Cheryl Worth: Thank you for nothing, Nick. Okay, looks like they’re wrapping up. Bring up the audio back.

Scott: Oh, wow. I have got a long way to go. I got to get practicing.

Dr. Bloom: Don’t go nuts when you’re just starting out. That’d be going too far.

Scott: Okay.

Dr. Bloom: But with time, I promise you’ll rise to the occasion and meet yourself halfway.

Scott: Yes, well said. And you’ve certainly made some fans out of our viewers. @IncelDadddy writes “This dude my hero. Teach me sensei. #nevergonnaleavethehouse” So, good stuff. Now, you’ll be down here all day, correct?

Dr. Bloom: Yes, I’ll be signing copies of my book and at noon, I’ll be demonstrating my technique live.

Scott: Oh! And now if you want to attend, you can make a reservation online at www.– Actually, they’re telling me no you can’t. I guess it’s sold out immediately. Mr. Popular. Back to you guys.

Cheryl Worth: Those people who made a reservation are going to be very disappointed.

Langdon Lee: All right, coming up in traffic something wandered onto the I-270 and is causing major traffic. That’s something get this. A 400 pound a wild whore– Boar! Wild boar. Wild boar. Let’s go to commercial.

Kitchen Staff

Jana… Ariana DeBose

Grady… James Austin Johnson

Miss Samua… Heidi Garner

Chef… Andrew Dismukes

Floyd… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Jana and Grady working in the kitchen of a restaurant]

Jana: Man, I cannot believe I’m working on double the night. Ain’t no one in Texarkana spending a New Year’s Eve at Longhorn steakhouse

Grady: I know it sucks. But at the end of the day, it’s gonna be working.

[Miss Samua walks in]

Miss Samua: Dana, Grady, what y’all doing back here ler?

Jana: We’re just prepping the salads, Miss Samua.

Miss Samua: Why y’all preppin Salads when I found two empty A-Janas in the dining room ler? This is Longhorn steakhouse. People expect to be dazzled ler.

[Miss Samua walks out]

Jana: I can’t stand Miss Samua. You ever notice how she says ‘ler’ after everything? Like, what the hell is ler?

Grady: I don’t know. But end of day, she is the boss.

[Chef walks in]

Chef: You’re talking about ler?

Grady: Oh yeah.

Jana: You know, I don’t know what you talking about, Rene.

Chef: Oh, nah, nah. I heard you talking about how Miss Samua always says ler. I ain’t never heard ler in my life.

Grady: Guys, guys, guys, come on now. I just want to get through the shift so I can get up early. And take my girls kids to the trampoline place tomorrow end of the.

[Miss Samua walks in]

Miss Samua: Rene, where is your apron? It is New Year’s Eve. My ass is on the line ler.

Chef: Ay, Miss Samua. What ler?

Miss Samua: Excuse me?

Chef: Ler. What is ler?

Miss Samua: Rene, I can never understand you. Now, get back ler. To work, ler. Or ya’ll be in big trouble, Jana.

Jana: Hmm! Why she got to single me out? Huh? I can just– Oh! No!

Grady: Chill Jana, chill. You know she ain’t worth it end of the day. End of the day, you can’t let her get to you cause end of the day, that’s what she wants end of the day.

Chef: End of the day, Miss Samua, she was on me by some bow. I just had to walk away end of day.

[Floyd walks in]

Floyd: Y’all talking about ler? Ha-ha-ha. Last week she got on me about how I wasn’t sweeping the parking lot end of the night. End of night, I don’t sweep the parking lot. She said, “Yes, you do.” Like end of day, I don’t know what I’m going to do end of night. End of day but it’s end of night. I know what that do at the end of the day. End of day, I do what I do end of night.

Jana: Floyd, I couldn’t have said it any better end of day. Umm-umm.

[Miss Samua walks in]

Miss Samua: Oh, Jana. I have had my limit with you. If you don’t get to working, you will be done at the Texarkana Longhorn Steakhouse in Texas, I will have you transferred to the Texarkana Longhorn Steakhouse in Arkansas ler.

Jana: Okay. Miss Samua, you done done it now. You and me. Let’s go.

Miss Samua: Oh yeah? I’ll kick your ass.

Chef: Hey! Everybody got their own going on going on. Grady gotta go trampoline place tomorrow. Floyd got to sweep end of night. And Miss Samua say ler. End of day, I ain’t the reddest Mudbug. But we are family. Like my mama say, to people don’t be dead don’t don’t want to be dead dead don’t be dead dead when de way. Peace.

Miss Samua: Jana, I know I ride you hard. But it’s just because I see so much of myself in you lar.

Jana: End of day, Miss Samua, I hate you. Coz I lur you.

Fauci Holiday Message Cold Open

Anthony Fauci… Kate McKinnon

Ted Cruz… Aidy Bryant

Mikey Day

Heidi Gardner

Bowen Yang

Ego Nwodim

Santa… Kyle Mooney

Melissa Villaseñor

Andrew Cuomo… Pete Davidson

Chris Cuomo… Andrew Dismukes

Lauren Boebert… Chloe Fineman

Marjorie Taylor Greene… Cecily Strong

[Starts with intro]

Male voice: And now a holiday message from Dr. Anthony Fauci.

[Cut to Anthony Fauci]

[cheers and applause]

Anthony Fauci: I’m back. Hello. Hi. Hi, everyone, it’s me Dr. Fauci. Do people still think I’m sexy? Or are we done with that? When people see me on TV, they think, “Oh, this can’t be good.” And the children think, “Wow, that Elf on the Shelf got old.”

Anyway, anyway. As you probably heard there is an Omicron wave sweeping the globe. Some experts feared the Omicron variant would be vaccine resistance, kind of like, I don’t know, 40% of Americans. More recent data suggests that if you had a vaccine and a booster, you should be pretty well protected. So if that’s you, I’d like to officially say unclench. With COVID cases on the rise, people still have a lot of questions. Is it safe to travel? Can I still use this as an excuse to get out of stuff? I would like to never work again. So, to help answer these queries, I once again invited members of the CDC to act out various holiday scenelets. So, please keep in mind, they’re not professional actors. They’re simply nerds who are trying their best. And then now the CDC players present going to a restaurant.

Mikey: Hi, I’d like to eat Christmas dinner at your restaurant, please.

Heidi: Sir, I just need to see your vaccination card.

Mikey: I actually can’t find it.

Heidi: You mean you lost the little one inch piece of cardboard they gave you?

Mikey: I’m afraid so.

Heidi: Then you are banished from society. Have fun living in the woods.

Mikey: Okay! And scene.

Anthony Fauci: No, no, no. That’s not right. You can get a replacement card… I think. The important thing is to get vaccinated. And if you’re vaccinated get boosted. And if you’re boosted, maybe want a little top off, a little splash. Anyway, let’s hope this next scene goes better. It’s called Mile High Christmas.

Bowen: Stewardess, I’m traveling home for the holidays, and I’m scared that I’ll get COVID on the airplane.

Ego: Don’t be. Air travel is fairly low risk.

Bowen: Great. I also heard girls can’t get pregnant in the sky. Is that true?

Ego: I don’t know, king. Let’s find out.

Anthony Fauci: No, no, no. That’s not true. That’s not even how sex works. Unless something’s changed. I guess people got pretty lonely during COVID, huh? Yeah, yeah. Now, let’s take a look at how Christmas traditions might look a little different this year in visiting center at the mall.

Santa: Ho, ho, ho. What would you like for Christmas, little girl?

Melissa: Well, Santa… [trying to sit on Santa’s lap]

Santa: Sorry, you can’t sit on my lap anymore. Thanks to the vaccine. My testicles have ballooned in size.

Melissa: Really?

Santa: Yes. They’re as big as grapes now.

Anthony Fauci: Stop! No, no, no, no. That’s just a conspiracy theory. And I am concerned about that particular man. Now, of course, the pandemic has also affected people economically. Keep that in mind as you watch this next scene, two unemployed brothers on Christmas Day.

Andrew Cuomo: Hello, I am disgraced former New York Governor, Andrew Cuomo.

Chris Cuomo: And I’m disgraced former CNN host Chris Cuomo.
Andrew Cuomo: And we both lost our jobs because of COVID.

Anthony Fauci: That’s not why. That’s not why you lost your jobs. Unfortunate, those were not the last public figures you’ll see tonight because when it comes to acting deeply offended about something minor, some of our most gifted performance these days come not from Hollywood but from congress, including the ladies in this next scene Christmas truths.

Lauren Boebert: Hi, I’m Lauren Boebert. And she’s Marjorie Taylor Greene.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: It’s pronounced Gan. The government has been using this fake disease to strip us of our freedom. Do they think we’re dumb?

Lauren Boebert: Please! Would they give a dumb person a gun? Yes.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: First, they said the shutdowns were until they found a vaccine. Then they found a vaccine and said it worked. Then they said everyone should get it. Then people got it and it saved their lives. If that’s not communism, then honey, I might not know what communism is.

Lauren Boebert: So, Merry Christmas. And remember, guns don’t kill people. People, people, people.

Anthony Fauci: Not helpful. No, no. Alright, here’s the truth guys. We are still in the midst of a pandemic. And that’s not going to change just because we all wished it would go away.

[Ted Cruz walks in]

Ted Cruz: Did somebody say wish it would go away?

Anthony Fauci: Not you. Not you.

Ted Cruz: That’s right. It’s me. The weirdo with the beardo, Ted Cruz.

Anthony Fauci: Ted, what are you doing here?

Ted Cruz: Hey, if you’re sick of seeing me, imagine how sick I am of being me.

Anthony Fauci: So Cruz, how are you handling the pandemic?

Ted Cruz: Oh, textbook bad. This week, I was the one not wearing a mask at Bob Dole’s funeral. Now, you may remember when I ran for President in 2016, Bob Dole said that nobody likes me. And this week, I got him back by not being infectious. But just imagine him looking down at your own funeral and the only face you can see is mine!

Anthony Fauci: That’s disturbing. Well, I think we all learned a lot today. Clearly, this country is divided but I think we can all agree on at least a few things. We all want to spend time together with our families.

Ted Cruz: Or run it back solo to Cancún.

Anthony Fauci: We all want our loved ones to be safe and happy and healthy.

Andrew Cuomo: Family is all we have.

Chris Cuomo: Yeah, as of two weeks ago.

Anthony Fauci: Now, that’s the Christmas spirit. See? We already found some common ground.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: And we can all agree that the Fox News Christmas tree arsonists must be executed.

Anthony Fauci: Maybe not.

All: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Simu & Bowen

Simu Liu

Bowen Yang

Andrew Dismukes

Sarah Sherman

[Bowen is just reading a book in his room. Simu comes in.]

Simu: Knock, knock.

Bowen: Simu, what’s up? My fellow, yellow, hello.

Simu: What?

Bowen: Nothing. I’m just nervous I think. I mean, this has never happened before. Right? Asian male host. Asian male cast member.

Simu: I know. It’s like we’re the Spider Man meme.

Bowen: Except you have abs and I have ibs.

Simu: Ibs?

Bowen: IBS. Anyway, Congrats, man. I Mean, the first Asian Marvel lead. That’s huge.

Simu: Oh, thank you. I almost can’t wrap my head around it. I mean, you get it, right? Like, first fully Asian cast member on SNL? It’s amazing.

Bowen: Oh, yeah, thanks. I just think it’s weird that people keep track of this stuff, though.

Simu: Oh, yeah, totally. I mean, [showing a big medal] I just got this first Asian man who moved from Canada to America named SEMA.

Bowen: I have one that says Bowen.

Simu: No way. Yeah, I always just forget to take my hat off.

[Andrew walks in]

Andrew: Hey, Bowen. I have an award for you. You are the first gay Asian cast member to mispronounce boutique.

Bowen: Is it not Bu-ti-kwa?

Andrew: No. Congrats.

Simu: Wow, Bowen, that’s so historic.

Andrew: And Simu, you were just named the first Asian man to deadpan on Splash Mountain.

Bowen: Wow, congratulations.

Simu: Thanks.

Bowen:  But seriously, Sang Chi was so good.

Simu: Thank you. Yeah, I guess they’re saying I’m the first Asian man to blow up a dragon from the inside. [showing a championship belt like of wrestling.]

Bowen: I got the same one too. But it means something else.

Simu: Anyway, don’t you think these titles are kind of ridiculous?

Bowen: Totally. Like the state of Michigan gave me the “good job parentheses Asian award”. I do not care!

[Cut to Bowen giving his award speech happy and excited]

Bowen at award ceremony: To every Asian on the planet. I did this for you.

Simu: I know. First Asian man to beat StarCraft II. I didn’t even go to the ceremony.

[Cut to Simu giving his award speech happy and excited]

Simu at award ceremony: Whoo! There’s no way this is true. But thank you so much.

[Sarah walks in with a flower bouquet.]

Sarah: Hey. Mr. Asian Panera. These are for you. [passing the flowers to Simu]

Simu: Oh, my god. For me?

Bowen: What is Mr. Asian Panera?

Simu: Oh, I guess I was the first Asian that you pick to a Panera or something.

[Cut to Simu when he was picked.]

Simu at the time: Yes! I did it! I did it!

Bowen: You know, it’s almost embarrassing. Like, I didn’t even tell anyone about being one of people’s sexiest man alive.

[Cut to Bowen calling his mom]

Bowen sobbing: Mom, I’m hot.

Simu: Weren’t you the first openly bottom guy on that list.

Bowen: I’m not open about that. Who told you that?

Simu: Sorry, I just guessed.

Bowen: Oh, nice. Good job.

[Sarah walks in again]

Sarah: Hey, I have another award for first Asian man to do a share impression on NBC. But it doesn’t say who it’s for.

[Bowen and Simu start doing the impression]

Sarah: Simu wins.

Simu: Yes!

Bowen: Congratulations. Just remember Simu, whatever first thing you do, I’ll always be gay.