Tag: Kenan Thompson

Hot Ones

Sean Evans… Mikey Day

Beyonce… Maya Rudolph

DeMichelangelo… Kenan Thompson

Ego Nwodim

Agent… Alex Moffat

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: “Hot Ones”, the show where celebrities answer hot questions while eating even hotter wings.

[Cut to the show]

Sean: Hi, I’m Sean Evans. I’m joined today by royalty Grammy winning recording artist, actress and icon, Deyonce Knowles-Carter. It is truly an honor.

Beyonce: Yeah, I know.

Sean: Like, I cannot believe you’re on hot ones.

Beyonce: I feel you. I can’t tell if this is beneath me. But my sister, Solange loves this show and said I’d have fun. So…

Sean: Well, I’m glad she did. So, we can start with a mild wing here.

Beyonce: Mild? Come on, now. I’m from Texas, baby. This girl can handle her wings. Let’s start with this one right here.

Sean: Okay. Yeah. Let’s do it. Let’s do it. [showing the chilly sauce] This is Hitler’s anus roasted reaper sauce with the scoville rating of 135,600.

[both eat the wings]

Beyonce: [looking nervous] I don’t love that name but the wing look good.

Sean: Alright. You said in the 26th Vanity Fair article that as a child, being on stage set you free. Can you talk more about that?

Beyonce: Well. I was a shy kid. Umm… this is good, by the way. Spicy, though. But when I got– Whoo! Okay. This wing came correct. It’s very hot. I’m good though.

Sean: Okay. You have some ice water and milk there if you need any.

Beyonce: I’m not gonna drink big fat glass of milk on camera. That’s not a good look for Beyonce.

Sean: Yeah. Milk isn’t like, a sexy drink. I’m sorry. Now, there’s a lyrics in Bills, Bills, Bills. Are you okay?

[Beyonce is sweating all over her face]

Miss Knowles-Carter, are you good? Beyonce?

Beyonce: [spooky voice] Sorry, I’m good. Your girl’s throat just closed up for a second thought. Let’s do the next wing.

Sean: Okay. Are you sure?

Beyonce: Definitely, boo.

Sean: Okay. Alright. Next up, we have the Devil’s Diarrhea Scorpion sauce, scoville rating of 676,000.

[both eat the wigs]

Yeah, good, right? So, after the Destiny’s Child’s performance at the 2016 Super Bowl, fans speculated a possible–

Beyonce: Oh, damn!

Sean: Um, is there any chance–

Beyonce: [screaming] Ah! Sorry, what?

Sean: Um, is there any chance of reunion?

Beyonce: [screaming] Ooh! Kiss my ass! I’m sweating. Beyonce’s head is wet. Damn, this wing is recking me. I need to hydrate. [drinking water] Oh, this isn’t helping. Damn, water makes it worse. Oh lord, why is it worse? [starts drinking milk] Got my ass drinking milk now. Room temp milk? For real? Oh, Solange in trouble now!

Sean: Is Destiny’s Child reunion something you’ve thought about? No! No! Don’t touch your eyes!

[Beyonce is wiping away her tears with her hands]

Beyonce: I know that now, you bald ass bitch. Oh, my whole head is on fire. Where is my hair stylist? DeMichelangelo, come to my side.

DeMichelangelo: Yes, B.

Beyonce: Argh! I need you to take my wig off, put six ice cubes on my head, then put my wig back on.

DeMichelangelo: But B, you on camera.

Beyonce: I don’t care. Take my wig off. Put six ice cubes on my head then put my wig back on.

DeMichelangelo: But I don’t have my wig gloves. I might grease the hair, B.

Beyonce: Do it now or I will stomp you to death.

DeMichelangelo: Yes. Of course, B. Oh my lord, I’m doing a wig pop with my bare hands. Oh Jesus, help me.

[trying to take Beyonce’s wig off]

Ego: Hey! Hey! Hey! Bald man, do not film B taking her wig off. No. Not gonna happen.

Sean: We can always edit it out.

Ego: No. Doesn’t matter. I don’t want the footage to exist. B, you good? Oh, she’s good. Continue.

Beyonce: [her hair is all messed up] I’m alright. I’m alright. Proceed.

Sean: Okay. Can you talk about the origin of this ‘now iconic’ move?

Beyonce: I forget.

Sean: Oh really? You don’t remember where it came from at all?

Beyonce: Dude, it’s taking all my concentration to keep from blowing out my pants on you Junkie ass show.

Sean: Okay. So, you need to stop?

Beyonce: Beyonce don’t quit. You have any more sauces out there?

Sean: There are six.

Beyonce: Oh, hell no. Get my agent out here. Tod, shut it down.

[Agents walk in shutting down the show]

Agent: Okay, folks. This never happened. Yeah? I need all footage and audio files destroyed. If you leave here without signing an NDA, you will be shot. Okay?

Choreographers

Beck Bennett

Chris Redd

Lauren Hault

Richard Perquest… Kenan Thompson

Tania Katank… Maya Rudolph

[Starts with Beck passing the news to the dance crew]

Beck: Okay dancers, gather around. Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news but just when we got the clear to go back in the rehearsal, our choreographer tested positive for covid. Turns out you can get it from kissing.

Chris: Okay. Well, Fauci should have said that.

Lauren: Not to worry because I’ve found a last minute replacement. While Jenet is in quarantine, please welcome our new choreographer, Richard Perquest.

[Richard Perquest walks in limping.]

Richard Perquest: Thank you. Thank you very much. Good morning hoopers. I am Richard Perquest and I am honored to do anything I can to help broadway get back to it’s dancing feet. So, I hope you’re ready to sweat, jump and stretch.

Beck: Wait. Donna, I’m so sorry. I thought I was supposed to hire the choreographer. I hired Tania Katank.

Richard Perquest: Did you say Tania Katank?

[Tania Katank walks in]

Tania Katank: He sure did. And is that Richard Perquest? No, no, no, no. Tania Katank doesn’t work with Richard Perquest.

Richard Perquest: Oh contrary, it is Richard Perquest that does not share the stage with Tania Katank. Not anymore.

Lauren: Wow. Sorry for the mix up. But I guess we’ll go with Richard since he was here first.

Tania Katank: What? Are you serious? He’s a hack, he’s a quack and he’s got a bad back.

Richard Perquest: Excuse me. You cannot talk to me like that. Do you seriously think that you are a better choreographer than me?

Tania Katank: Does this answer your question? [dancing] Ba-ba-ba-ba-cuk.

Richard Perquest: Alright. That is it, Katank. May I speak to you in private by that big water bottle?

Tania Katank: Um, the water cooler?

Richard Perquest: No, by that big bottle of water.

Tania Katank: That’s a water cooler.

Richard Perquest: I don’t care what it is. Just meet me there.

[Richard Perquest and Tania Katank walk to the water cooler]

Tania Katank: What?

[romantic music playing]

Richard Perquest: [holding Tania Katank’s shoulders] I miss you. I want to be with you.

Tania Katank: You do? You want to be with me?

Richard Perquest: Yes. I made a huge mistake. I miss your skin, your bones, your hair and your eyes. I want to be with you.

Tania Katank: Oh. Like, when I used to go into the garden with no shorts on and bend over to pick carrots and you’d see everything?

Richard Perquest: Yes. Show it to me again. I want to be with you.

Beck: [looking confused] Okay.

Chloe: Are we on break? Because it seems like we’re on break.

Beck: No. We’re not on break. Mr. Perquest, Ms. Katank, have we come to an agreement?

[Richard Perquest and Tania Katank walk close holding their hands]

Tania Katank: Yes. We’ll do it together.

Lauren: Well, we can only pay one of you.

Tania Katank: Then the deal’s off.

Richard Perquest: what?

Tania Katank: You heard me. Katank takes care of Katank.

Richard Perquest: Jesse-belle.

Andrew: Are we dancing today or not? Because I want to show off.

Richard Perquest: May I see you by that black end window?

Tania Katank: The what?

Richard Perquest: The black end window.

Tania Katank: You mean the chalkboard?

Richard Perquest: I don’t care what it is. Just meet me there.

[Richard Perquest and Tania Katank walk to the chalkboard]

[romantic music playing]

Tania Katank: What?

Richard Perquest: I need to be with you. I need to be all over you.

Tania Katank: You do? All over me? Everywhere?

Richard Perquest: Yes. I want to be on you like food on a plate.

Tania Katank: Like when I used to go into the chicken coop without my skirt and I’d bend over to talk to a chicken and you could see everything?

Richard Perquest: Yes. Show it to me now.

Tania Katank: No. Alright. No. I’ll show you just a little bit of it.

Lauren: No. Please don’t do that.

Beck: It would be great if one of you would just start choreographing the show.

[Richard Perquest and Tania Katank walk near holding hands]

Richard Perquest: I will do it and I will give the money to her.

Tania Katank: Why? Because you’re the man? Forget it, Perquest, you sexist. The deal’s off.

Richard Perquest: What? May I see you by that picture of JonBenét Ramsey?

Tania Katank: That’s not JonBenét Ramsey. That’s a poster of Anne.

Richard Perquest: I don’t care who it is. Just meet me there.

Chris: No! We are not gonna let you ruin our show because you two can’t resolve your differences.

Richard Perquest: Fine. You want to see a dance? I’ll show you a dance.

Tania Katank: Hah! Well, I can’t wait to see this.

Richard Perquest: Well, you’re about to see it. And this is the first count of eight. Pop the hip, point the toe, pop the hip, tip the cap, tap the foot, pop the hip, pop the hip, point the toe.

[Beck’s jaw is dropping]

Tania Katank: Again! Do it again.

Richard Perquest: My pleasure. Pop the hip, point the toe, pop the hip, tip the hat–

Tania Katank: Wait, wait. Not so fast. Bring me with you.

Richard Perquest: With pleasure. Pop the hip, point the toe, pop the hip, tip the hat, tap the foot, pop the hip, pop the hip, point the toe. Come on everybody. Let’s save the broadway. [everyone joins him] Five, six, seven, eight. Pop the hip, point the toe, pop the hip, tip the cap, tap the foot, pop the hip, pop the hip, point the toe.

Lauren: This is bad, right?

Beck: Very.

Richard Perquest: [to Tania Katank] Now, will you show me everything?

Tania Katank: Everything.

Boomers Got the Vax

Chris Redd

Mikey Day

Kyle Mooney

Melissa Villaseñor

Kenan Thompson

Maya Rudolph

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

E-dith Puthie… Ego Nwodim

[Starts with video clips from the news]

Newscaster: A majority of baby boomers have been vaccinated. Have been vaccinated.

[music playing]

Have been vaccinated, vaccinated
Vaccinated, vaccinated, vaccinated

Chris: Baby boomers, greatest generation
Got all the money, now we got the vaccination
Crash the economy, three whole times
But when it comes to the vax, we the first in line

Mikey: Got a job out of college, no student debt
Retirement funded, 100%
Voted for Trump, but just for the taxes
Don’t believe in Covid, still got the vaxes

Kyle: Pzifer, Moderna, I know you wur-na
Get one, but you gotta wait your tur-na
I get to the vax site, I get what I want son
You get what’s left bitch – Johnson & Johnson!

All: Money, stacked
Pants, khaks
Arm, vaxxed
No, mask

Chris: Biggest generation, ain’t no stopping me
Never gonna die, draining social security

Melissa: The boomers got the vax
No rumors, just facts, yeah
Give it up if you’re 70+
Everyone else gettin’ jealous of us, jealous of us

Kenan: Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba Baby Boomer
(How you livin’ ladies?)
Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba Baby Boomer
(Hah)

Maya: Ow! Covid can’t touch me now
Low mask in the store, nose poking out
When it’s time to pay, I whip the coupons out
Even though I got the stimmy in the bank account

Aidy: Y’all can’t see? Lemme give you a clear sense
We out here spending your inheritance
You in the parking lot eating by the trash right
We in the booth reading menus with the flashlight

Kate: Yeah, I know you missed us
Might book a trip on the Diamond Princess
Eat all the food, drink all the booze
Sail all the cruise, while you still on the Zoom

All: Job, retired
Climate, deniered
License, expired
But we still on fire

Maya: Stop by my house
Give my grandkids a hug
Now get the f— out
I’m tryna have fun!

Melissa: The boomers got the vax
Everyone else get to the back (get back), yeah
We comin’ first like we always do
We jumpin’ in front of you, and you, and you (And uh)
And you (And uh), and you (Uh), and you (Uh)

Kenan: I-M-M-U-N-I-T-Y
That’s what I got, I got bodies-anti
I got the shot, that’s just how it is
You locked inside, homeschooling my grandkids
I know you wanna live large like me
I got the big ass house and the SUV
I got the second house too, and the third house, three
And the place in Vermont, and one in Miami
Damn, I got five houses?
That’s a lot. Hm, good for me.

Chris: Hit the links with the drinks for another golf sess
You on the vax website hittin’ the refresh
You whine and cry while we dine inside
We run the world since 1945, hah!

Mikey: Me? I spend my time playing tennis
Two things that don’t work, me and my pen-is
My shirt (What about it?), you know it’s gettin’ tucked
And my wife (What about her?), she left me (Oh)

E-dith Puthie: Hold up, hold up, I ain’t had my say yet
Yo, tell ’em what my name is

Kenan: Edith, Edith, Edith, Edith
E-dith Puthie!

E-dith Puthie: Edith Puthie on the track, you know I’m vaxxed out
Pop a Cialis, come throw yo’ back out
Hands in the air like your shoulder don’t hurt
Drop that ass to the floor like your knees still work

Melissa: Boomers got the vax, uhh
Boomers got the vax

Kenan: It is what it is sucka

 

Barfly Awards

Missy Shoots… Cecily Strong

Peanuts… Aidy Bryant

Flip Rick… Kenan Thompson

Pissy Carmichael… Alex Moffat

Sally O’Flappy… Maya Rudolph

Teeny Petey Rancini… Kyle Mooney

Nick Flint…  Mikey Day

Peaches… Kate McKinnon

[starts with announcement]

Male voice: Live from Pickleback Auditorium, it’s the 2021 Barfly Awards. With your host Missy Shoots.

[Cut to Missy Shoots. She is on the stage with a martini in her hand.]

Missy Shoots: Welcome to the Barfly Awards. This year being a barfly has taken even more dedication, determination, swinging back and forth, you know what I’m saying? So, we honor them tonight.

Male voice: Coming to the stage, she won last year for longest two AM story, please welcome Peanuts.

[Peanuts walks in. She has a glass of whiskey in her hand.]

Peanuts: Okay. Our first reward of the night goes for wildest claim made at the bar. In your life, there’s gonna be so many people. So, here’s our nominees. Hannah NoMOney, “I had sex with a ghost”. Flip Rick, “I can run a two minute mile”

Flip Rick: I can. I just don’t want to do it right now.

Peanuts: Pissy Carmichael with “I speak fluent French”.

Pissy Carmichael: Ju-ju-pu-pu-ju.

Peanuts: And Sally O’Flappy, I came up with the idea of a rolly suitcase, I can show you the email”. And the Barfly Award, hold on- I got it. It’s Sally O’Flappy.

[Sally O’Flappy walks on the stage and received the award]

Sally O’Flappy: Oh, man. I can’t believe. This is amazing. Everybody here perspires me. I have to say, the guy, the young guy, know him? But hey, oh I miss him. Okay, bye, bye. Love you.

Male voice: Comin up next, he won last year’s award for best story about his daughter with left her at the beach. It’s Teeny Petey Rancini.

[Teeny Petey Rancini walks in with a glass of whiskey]

Teeny Petey Rancini: Can I say Something? Money is not real. [Missy Shoots walks in to hold Teeny Petey Rancini as he’s too drunk] No, no, it’s not your turn. I’m presenting.

Missy Shoots: You’re standing nice. You’re a nice guy. Can I have a kiss? [kisses on Teeny Petey Rancini’s cheek]

Teeny Petey Rancini: Thank you. Here are the nominees for the most bummer detail. Big John, “It’s my last weekend with my foot”. Just Marge, “Member me?I’m your favorite teacher from high school”.

Just Marge: Look at you. You grew up.

Teeny Petey Rancini: Peaches, “I’m 41 years old”.

Peaches: Hi.

Teeny Petey Rancini: And Sally O’Flappy with “My husband’s in the jar”. Winner is- I can’t believe it. It’s Sally O’Flappy.

[Sally O’Flappy walks in and receives the award again]

Sally O’Flappy: Thank you. I can’t believe. One too more. That’s phenomenon. I’m want to thank my dead husband because he was a phenomenon guy. [drops the jar she said her husband was] Oh-oh! Whoopsy! Sorry, dude. Well, goodnight!

Male voice: Please welcome our next presenter, winner of the foreign Barfly Award or hobby, Nick Flint.

[Nick Flint walks in with a glass of whiskey]

Nick Flint: Oi! If you’re a supporter of Manchester United, then this is for you. Wanker! Here are the nominees for best bar hookup. [cut to Flip Rick and Sally O’Flappy] Him and her. [cut to Teeny Petey Rancini and Andrew] Her and him. [Cut to Teeny Petey Rancini, Andrew and Just Marge] Her and him and that. And the winner is – Ah! That! Peaches.  [Peaches walks to the stage and receives the award] Is also nominated tonight for most destructive trip to the bathroom.

Peaches: Cell phone, wallet, key. Okay, goodnight.

Male voice: Last call.

[All the audiences get angry]

All: Ah! What are you saying? Come on, now!

[All of them stand and walk away]

Missy Shoots: This has been 2021 Barfly Awards. Make sure you close at after party. We have to go midtown hungover tomorrow.

Weekend Update LaVar Ball on His Son LaMelo Ball

Michael

LaVar Ball… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael: We are almost halfway through the NBA season and the front runner for the Rookie of the Year is point guard LaMelo Ball. Here to comment is his outspoken father, LaVar Ball.

[LaVar slides in]

LaVar: How you doing, Michael? Me, I’m incredible!

Michael: Well, that’s good to hear. We haven’t seen you in a while, man. I was worried with all this covid stuff that you might not be okay.

LaVar: Man, I’m perfect. I already got 10 shots of each vaccine. Pfizer, Moderna, Johnson & Johnson, and my own home remedy – the Val Tricks. It cures herpes brought on by the covid-19, AKA, the macoroni virus.

Michael: I don’t know about that, but it’s been a good year for you. LaMelo is playing really well. Your son.

LaVar: You’re damn right, he is. And he’s playing for the story franchise in all the basketball, the Charlotte Hornets. Charlotte, North Carolina, the regional bacon capital of the world. Gateway to gastonia. No mountains. No oceans. But enough humidity to make your balls sticky as taffy.

Michael: So, you think LaMelo is going to win ‘Rookie of the Year’?

LaVar: Oh, he’s got all the awards locked up. ‘Rookie of the Year’, locked up. ‘MVP’, locked up. ‘Pretty as hog at the Mecklenburg couty fair’, lockedu p. That means he has some good ass bacon. Ha-ha-ha.

Michael: MVP? What about LeBron or Giannis Antetokounmpo?

LaVar: Man, don’t you talk to me about no Yana-gasa-ka-chu-chu. LaMelo has got this. And after he has won, he’s gonna unite both north and south Carolina into a Super Carolina called “Carolasis”. “Carolasis”, monster of the south. Second cousin to Mothra. Never lost to Godzilla. Never to the Zilla.

Michael: It looks like it’s all coming together.

LaVar: It sure is, Michael. LaMelo is the queen of Charlotte. My other boy Lanzo is Baren of the Bio. LiAngelo is a G-league superstar. And I got a fourth son who’s tearing up the Australian league, LaDingo.

Michael: LaDingo?

LaVar: Yeah. He’ll dunk on you and steal your baby.

Michael: Well, with all your success, I was surprised you’re not cashing all your Big Baller brand.

LaVar: Oh, no, no. I am. I am. Introducing the newest Big Baller shoes, specially designed by LaMelo right in the Carolinas, presenting the Caro-melos. [pulls out a shoe shapes chocolate]

Michael: Is that a chocolate shoe?

LaVar: Yes, indeed. Now you can jump 30 feet in the air while your feet are covered in sweet. Coco-dego-dogo-dogoses. But that’s not all. [Michael Che laughing hard] What’s the matter, Mike? That’s not all. Every pair of Caro-melos comes with Caro-melo side. Look at this. [pulls out a cookie dipped in caramel from inside the shoe] It’s chocolate, caramel, nougat and it features Alexa. Alexa! What’s America’s top high performance edible footware?

Alexa: The 2021 Cara-melos. Never lost.

LaVar: Oh. Alexa, you’re a bad mama-jama. So, pick yourself a pair. $2,000, seven month wait list, available exclusively on my cell phone between the hours of three and six PM mountain time. Never lost.

Michael: LaVar Ball, everybody.

Dionne Warwick Talk Show Nick Jonas Dua Lipa

Dionne Warwick… Ego Nwodim

Britney… Punkie Johnson

The Weeknd… Kenan Thompson

Nick Jonas

Andrew Dismukes

Dua Lipa… Melissa Villaseñor

Machine Gun Kelly… Pete Davidson

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: She’s the very best. Gets it all off her chest. She’s multi-platinum and knows what’s happening. It’s the Dionne Warwick talk show.

[Cut to Dionne Warwick in her set]

Dionne Warwick: Hello. [cheers and applause] Welcome to the Dionne Warwick talk show. A show where I ask celebrities whatever I want to know. Thanks as alway to my producer and my niece, Britney.

Britney: Ay, glad to be here, aunt Dionne.

Dionne Warwick: And now, for today’s top new stories.

[music playing]

[singing] I know I’ll never love this way again
Hold on, hold on

Yeah. Thank you. Let’s bring out our first guest, the Weeknd.

[The Weeknd walks in]

Okay, what is your whole situation?

The Weeknd: Hi, I’m a performer. Maybe you saw me at the Super Bowl.

Dionne Warwick: Yes. You gave me vertigo. Now, Mr. Weeknd, you are addicted to plastic surgery, correct?

The Weeknd: Um, no.

Dionne Warwick: When you say, “I can’t feel my face”, is that coz it’s fake now?

The Weeknd: Oh, no. The plastic surgery wasn’t real.

Dionne Warwick: Okay now, here’s a question. Why are you from Canada?

The Weeknd: I don’t understand.

Dionne Warwick: Okay. Okay. Alright. Thank you for participating. Wonderful. Goodbye. Take care. Yeah. [The Weeknd walks away] Alright. Fantastic. Well, my next guest is the reason all my assistants got blow outs today. Please welcome Nick Jonas.

[Nick Jonas walks in]

Nick Jonas: Thank you so much for having me.

Dionne Warwick: Yeah. Explain yourself.

Nick Jonas: I’m Nick Jonas. I’m a coach on Voice.

Dionne Warwick: Yeah. I have heard that you are the most boring coach even though one of the other coaches is John Legend. How is that possible?

Nick Jonas: I don’t know.

Dionne Warwick: Now, you have a song “What a man gotta do”. What’s that about? Going down town? He’s got to do it.

Nick Jonas: I can’t argue with you there.

Dionne Warwick: Now, what is ‘cake by the ocean’? Who the hell wants to eat a sandy cake?

Nick Jonas: Well, that’s my brother’s song. But some people say it’s euphemism for sex on the beach.

Dionne Warwick: Okay. Well, now I like your ass. Alright.

Nick Jonas: Again, not my bag.

Dionne Warwick: Alright, now, do you and your brothers ever fight?

Nick Jonas: Sometimes.

Dionne Warwick: Could you fight Windy Williams for me?

Nick Jonas: I don’t think so.

Dionne Warwick: Okay. Last question. [showing Priyanka Chopra’s photo] Your wife looks like this. Now, show us your penis.

Nick Jonas: I’m not gonna do that.

Dionne Warwick: Alright. Well, thank you for being here. [Nick Jonas walks out] Now, Britney, I was nominated for the Rock N’ Roll Hall of Fame. And I need enough votes to get in. Am I beating the Goo Goos?

Britney: Oh, not yet, aunt Dionne.

Dionne Warwick: What about Foo Fighters?

Britney: Nope. No, aunt Dionne.

Dionne Warwick: What about Kate Buzz?

Britney: You kicking her butt, aunt Dionne.

Dionne Warwick: Okay, good. I don’t have to win but I cannot lost. Okay, now for our animal segment.

[music playing]

[Dionne Warwick walks towards Andrew. He is standing with a white parrot]

Andrew: Hi, Ms. Warwick. Today we’re going to–

Dionne Warwick: [singing and dancing] Keep smiling, keep shining
knowing you can always come for me
for sure, that’s what friends are for

Thank you.

[Dionne Warwick walks back to her seat]

Yeah. Alright. Let’s bring out our next guest, Dua Lipa.

[Dua Lipa walks in]

Dua Lipa, now, why would you make your name nasty? That Spanish for ‘two lips’. You are hussie in disguise.

Dua Lipa: That’s just my real name. Maybe you know me from my songs.

[singing] I got no rules–

Dionne Warwick: Okay. So, here’s a question. Lil’ Yachty. A yacht is supposed to be big. If you’re a little yacht, you are simply a boat.

Dua Lipa: Don’t know the answer to that.

Dionne Warwick: Now, Windy Williams once called you Dula Pip. My last question is, should we egg her house?

Dua Lipa: Sure.

Dionne Warwick: Okay, then. We gonna take my car, baby. [passing the car keys to Dua Lipa] Alright. Thank you for coming. [Dua Lipa walks out] Alright. Our next guest, I talked to him back stage and I am okay with this.

Britney: But auntie, you weren’t good with it the last time.

Dionne Warwick: No. No, no, no. Now, I’m alright. I understand he is a very nice fan. Let’s welcome Machine Gun Kelly.

[Machine Gun Kelly walks in]

Machine Gun Kelly: Hey!

Dionne Warwick: Na-na-na. Get hm out of here. He is too scary.

Britney: You said you were okay with it this time.

Dionne Warwick: Baby, I change my mind. He has got to go.

Machine Gun Kelly: Alright. Peace. Late. [walks out]

Dionne Warwick: Much better. Audience, okay. We’re at the best part of the show. Go ahead and look under your seats. Everybody gets a–

[music playing]

[singing] The moment I wake up

[The audience look under their seats]

Audience: It’s ticket to the Dionne Warwick talk show.

Dionne Warwick: That’s right. See you tomorrow.

Cinderella’s Slipper

Reginald … Kenan Thompson

Melissa Villaseñor

Dracilla… Cecily Strong

Cinderella… Chloe Fineman

Mother… Kate McKinnon

Prince… Nick Jonas

Mouse… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: We now return to the conclusion of Cinderella on Disney+ which doesn’t have commercial, so I guess you just paused it.

[Cut to the show.]

Reginald: Attention, all maidens of this dwelling. Prince charming wishes to have a word.

Melissa and Dracilla: Ooh, prince charming.

Cinderella: I wonder what he wants.

Mother: Cinderella, go to your room at once. This doesn’t concern you. You’re poor.

Dracilla: Yeah. The prince is here to see us. The evil homely step sisters.

Melissa: Men don’t want a nice, pretty blonde girl. They want loud, mean freaks.

Dracilla: Cinderella doesn’t even have a unibrow.

Cinderella: Oh, that’s okay. I’ll just go talk to the birds. They’re my real friends.

Dracilla: Uh- psycho.

[Prince walks in]

Prince: No, wait. This concerns every maiden in the kingdom. You see, I’ve fallen in love. But with whom, I do not know. Perhaps she’s here now.

Cinderella: Perhaps she is.

Mother: It couldn’t be Cinderella. That’s for sure. We keep her locked in the attic.

Reginald: Okay, well, that’s a crime. When the prince comes to visit, people usually say “Hello, my lord.” Not “We got a girl in the attic”.

Mother: But even her name is gross. Cinderella. Bleh. Wouldn’t you prefer my daughter Drusella?

[Dracilla bows, but then farts]

Prince: There’s only one way to find out how my mystery love is. You see– Oh my, the smell is really just hitting me now.

Reginald: Yes. What is that?

Dracilla: Sorry. I only eat berries and raw deer meat.

Prince: You see, I spent one magical evening with this mystery woman. And she vanished at midnight. And all that was left was this. [Reginald gives Prince a glass shoe on a pillow. The shoe is too tiny.] A glass slipper.

Mother: Hah?

Prince: What?

Mother: Nothing. It looks small.

Prince: What do you mean?

Melissa: The shoe, it’s small.

Prince: I think it’s a pretty standard women’s shoe.

Dracilla: You serious? It’s like a Monopoly token.

Prince: Huh, yeah. I guess my perspective was off because it’s sitting on a pillow. You think it’s like, a child’s shoe?

Dracilla: No. But I don’t love how casually you asked that.

Mother: It’s way too small for a child. Maybe even too small for doll. You really didn’t clock the shoe as weird at all?

Prince: But it’s glass. I thought that was weird. Reginald, is this shoe odd to you?

Reginald: I mean, I didn’t think it was my place to come in, but that shoe tiny as hell. I’m a foot man in more ways than one, but even for me, that’s a freaky little shoe.

Cinderella: Well, my feet are pretty small. They didn’t feed me enough to go through puberty.

Reginald: Yeah. But I don’t think you could even get one of your toes in this thing.

Prince: So then, who has a foot this small?

[a mouse appears]

Mouse: I does.

Prince: I’m sorry?

Mouse: I does!

Prince: The shoe is yours?

Mouse: Oh, it definitely does.

Cinderella: Oh, hurray, mouse Selina. This is wonderful news. You found your prince charming.

Mouse: Yup, I guess I does.

Mother: Dude, you banged a mouse?

Prince: What? No. We didn’t bang. I mean, we didn’t do anything. And she wasn’t a mouse. She was a human woman.

Mouse: Um, no. It was mouse. And mouse went all the way. Yeah, he dunked me in a glass of champaign and I was ready to rock.

Prince: No. No. I remember it was a woman and she ran away and her carriage turned into a pumpkin.

Mouse: Dude, I don’t know what drugs you’re on but it definitely didn’t affect your performance at all. I mean, you’d think this prince was a construction worker the way he was jack hammering.

Prince: Reginald, did I really? With a mouse? Why didn’t you stop me?

Reginald: Ay, I don’t judge. Love is love is love. You don’t think Jafar ever sprinkled some bird seed down there and let Iago go to town?

Prince: What?

Reginald: I don’t know, man. This is the stuff I’ve been thinking about.

Mouse: Oh, relax, prince. I’m totally cool. I’ll have the baby, no problemo. [showing her pregnant stomach]

Prince: Oh my god!

Mouse: It’s okay. It’s probably more like, 12 babies, but don’t worry. I’ll eat a couple of them.

Dracilla: Wait, that means those rat babies will be princes someday.

Melissa: And if we marry them, we’ll be princesses.

Dracilla: Yeah, everything’s coming up Drucilla. [farts again]

Mouse: [singing] Salacan-doo-la
Michigan-boo-la
bibidy-babidy-boo
The prince found out he boned the mouse
when he found my tiny shoe

Sea Shanty

Andrew Dismukes

Alex Moffat

Beck Bennett

Bowen Yang

Kenan Thompson

Regé-Jean Page

Kyle Mooney

Mikey Day

Johnny Fitzlafet… Bad Bunny

Ship fielder… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with channel show schedule]

Male voice: You’re watching History channel. At nine, it’s “Trimming a Tyrant: Hitler’s Hairdresser”. But now, it’s “Songs of the Sea”

[Cut to show intro]

Male voice: Sea shanties may be the latest viral trend on TikTok, but they began as work songs on the square-rigged ships of the Age of Sail. Here’s a reenactment of a shanty sung abroad the whaling vessel, the SS Gillenpool.

[Cut to the show. There are men on a ship working and doing their parts.]

Andrew: [walking in with a backpack] Oh, the day has finally arrived. My first journey on a whaling ship.

Alex: Ha-ha! Look at him, all excited.

Beck: Still in short pants.

Bowen: Doesn’t have his sea legs.

Kenan: Oh, his curly hairs.

All: Laughing.

Rege: Ah! You’ll get the hang of it, Greenhorn.

Kyle: We sing to make the work easier.

Mikey: What do you say, boys?

Kenan: Heave-ho!

Rege: [singing] There once was a ship called the Fiddle Dee Dee
The ship has been about 103
we left our wives and we went to the sea
for we all love life on the waves

All: Ho-ho, the sea we go
the sails up high and the whales below
the wind will toss us to and fro
for now we’re off to sea

Andrew: Oh, the life I’ve always dreamed. I’m living it.

Rege: We all are, boy. You’re lucky to find yourself aboard the finest vessel with the finest crew!

All: Yeah!

Rege: Tell him where we’re headed, boys.

Beck: [singing] First we go to Hawaii shore
then up to Alaska, then back to Hawaii
China, Brazil, then Alaska again
the trip takes eighteen months

Andrew: What?

All: Ho-ho, the sea we go
the meat is bugs and the beer is bugs
my will is bugs and my friends are bugs
and I’ll be eating my friends, Ho!

Andrew: That doesn’t sound fun at all.

Rege: Oh, trust me, boy, there’s nothing more fun than life on a boat. Right boys?

All: Yeah!

Kenan: [singing] Does anyone else not feel so good?
I’ve never been on a boat before
does it do this the whole time?
I’m going to go lay down

Mikey: I drank a bunch of salt water
and I don’t feel good and I feel really weird
and my stomach really hurts and I’m seeing ghosts
may I please go lay down?

Bowen: Crap, you guys, I got a splinter
we don’t have a cure for that
the only cure is cutting off your head
I guess I’m going to die

All: Ho-ho, we don’t have food
we can’t catch fish and we didn’t bring water
we also forgot the anchor, oops
does anyone know where we are? Ha!

Andrew: Wait, does anyone know where we are?

Rege: Of course. Just ask our navigator – Johnny Fitzlafet.

[Johnny Fitzlafet walks out]

Johnny Fitzlafet: Ola! The ocean is that way and that way and behind us and kind of all around.

Andrew: Do you even have a map?

Johnny Fitzlafet: Hell yeah, I got the map right here. [Johnny Fitzlafet pulls out a paper. He unrolls it. It’s a kid-made picture of a boat on a sea.] See? Look. We got the boat.

Andrew: Oh my god, we are gonna die.

Rege: No, we’re not. You’re on a safest vessel on the four seas.

Andrew: It’s seven.

Rege: Just ask the ship fielder himself.

[Ship fielder walks out]

Ship fielder: That’s right. I built this beauty myself. Side note, is it supposed to be wet below deck? There’s like, two feet of water. I spent so much time on the top, I might have forgot to build the floor.

Andrew: So, you don’t know how a boat works?

Ship fielder: Of course I do.

[singing] The ropes are attacked to the sails, I think
you pull this one and you move that one
the steering wheel, the something too
I left the life boats at home

All: Ho-ho, we’ll never come home,
we’re stuck out here and we’re all alone
our friends will eat our brittle bones
you’ll all get scurvy and die, ha!

Rege: Ha-ha! No better death than being eaten alive by your closest mates 45 minutes from shore.

Beck: A hero’s death.

Andrew: Yeah. I don’t think we have to kill each other yet. I can still see my wife.

Chris: Forget your wife, you’re sea’s now.

Ship fielder: There’s plenty of gorgeous wives on the seas.

Andrew: There is?

Kyle: Aye, no better wife than the hole in the whale.

Alex: I stuck a blanket in a little barrel. It’s in my bunk and it’s my wife.

Rege: And I took two jellyfish and wrapped them in a rubber band, and that’s my gorgeous squishy wife.

Johnny Fitzlafet: [showing his hand] This is my wife. I’m not creative like these guys.

Andrew: Are we going to go look for whales now?

Rege: Whales? What’s wrong with you boy? They’re all dead.

Andrew: Then what are we doing out here?

Rege: I think you know. We’re singing.

All: Ho-ho, the sea we go
the sails up high and the whales below
the wind will toss us to and fro
and all we’re off to sea

Lets Say Grace

Aidy Bryant

Ego Nwodim

Carl… Regé-Jean Page

Dale… Beck Bennett

Kenan Thompson

Charlie… Andrew Dismukes

Punkie Johnson

Chris Redd

Dana… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with a family get together]

Aidy: Well, there they are.

[Everyone greeting each other]

Ego: It’s so nice for you all to have us over. This house is lovely.

Carl: Man, look at all this food. You all having a whole football team over?

[everyone laughing]

Aidy: No, no, no. This is just what we do when new neighbors drop by. We act neighborly. So, this is buffet style. Grab a plate and go to town.

Dale: Now, before we dig in, our family usually says a little prayer. Is that okay? Y’all church going people?

Ego: Oh, absolutely.

Kenan: Absolutely. Have been Mr. Sunday since 81.

Dale: Well, that’s good. I’mma get my youngest Charlie to say grace. Go ahead, Charlie.

Charlie: Um, okay. Thank you for this food. Bless us as we eat. Amen.

All: Amen.

Aidy: Well, that was really nice. Okay now, we got two kinds of taters and my famous cheese biscuits.

Kenan: Uh, you know what? I hate to keep us from eating, but I feel like that prayer was incomplete.

Ego: Um-hmm, yeah. You know, I don’t feel comfortable eating this food until it is properly blessed. That’s how folks get sick.

Kenan: So, I’ll get my oldest Carl to bless us. Go ahead, Carl.

Carl: Alright. Thank you lord for this beautiful, boundful food. Thank you to those who raised it, picked it, chucked and cleaned it.

Dale: Amen, wonderful.

Carl: I’m not done. Processed it, packaged it, rubbed it, flipped it and reversed it. In the name of the father, the son, the nieces, the nephews, the second cousins. Once removed, twice removed and twice returned.

Ego: Um-hmm, baby, now don’t forget the holy trinity, okay? Earth, wind and fire. Bell Biv Devoe. And the holiest of trinities, the children of destiny, Beyonce, Kelly and I suppose, Michelle.

Punkie: Um, yes. And may the holy ghost greet with a blessed peek-a-boo.

Chris: And lead us not into temptation but deliver us Amazon Prime for free.

All: Amen.

Kenan: Very nice.

Ego: Lovely.

Aidy: Alright. Well, that was a beautiful effort. And hey, if we’re praying like really praying, let’s kick up a notch, huh? So, I’m gonna ask my post-pubescent daughter, Dana, to give us something a little more spirited.

Dana: [angry] Mom!

Aidy: [angry] I said my busty daughter is going to give us something spirited. Now, do what you learned in church camp.

Dana: Argh! Okay, fine! [gets a mic and starts rocking her body. Her brother, mother and father also start rocking their bodies] Alright, let’s get our hand clap going. There we go. There we go.

Jeremiah came down.

Family: Oh he came down

Dana: With a cask of oil

Family: Oh he came down

Dana: Jebediah came down

Family: Oh he came down

Dana: With a cask of water

Family: Oh he came down

Dana: Jeremiah, Jebediah, oh, they gotta be in their way. Amen.

Dale: Alright. That’s a prayer.

[Kenan’s family is planning too]

Chris: That was real nice. Real cute now. Yeah.

Kenan: I think we maybe can do a little better. Um-hmm. Bernadeth, it’s time. Bring in the big dogs.

Punkie: The big dogs.

Aidy: Um, wow. Okay.

Charlie: Y’all came prepared.

Dana: Yeah, they don’t teach this at church camp.

[Kenan’s family all have paper fans with gods’ pictures on them]

Kenan: Um-hmm, and we got this here Beats Pill. [pulls out a bluetooth sound speaker]

Dale: Okay. You’re on sound system. Very cool.

[music starts playing]

Kenan: Alright everybody. Raise your hands up for it’s time to pray away what’s on the layer way. Here we go.

Ego: [singing] Now, who gave all the fishes?

Family: G-O-D.

Ego: And washed all your dirty dishes?

Family: G-O-D.

Kenan: Who turned water into wine?

Family: G-O-D.

Kenan: And milk into moonshine?

Family: G-O-D.

Kenan: Break it down now, Dale!

Dale: Who, me? Alright.

[Dale starts to break dance]

All: Go, Dale! Go, Dale!

Kenan: Now, raise your hands in the air
if you want to say a short prayer
and when we bless this food, make it taste real good
somebody say “Oh, yeah!”

All: Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
Amen…

Drivers License

Beck Bennett

Regé-Jean Page

Mikey day

Pete Davidson

Alex Moffat

Kenan Thompson

Bowen Yang

Old Man… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a bunch of guys on a nine-ball pool table]

Beck: Alright, 50 bucks says I kick Bobby’s ass.

Rege: Hey, you tryna hustle me?

Mikey: Shut up and break em’, will ya?

Beck: I’ll break you first. How about that?

Rege: Hey, easy boys, I’ll take all your money by the end of the night. Just let me play my song first.

[Rege plays the song “Driver’s license” on the jukebox]

Beck: Alright. Nine ball, corner pocket. Watch me. [listening to the song] Wait, what am I listening to?

Rege: “Driver’s license” by Olivia Rodrigo.

Pete: Sounds like it’s just some teen girl singing in a room to a piano

Rege: And that’s the beauty of it. You got a problem?

Mikey: What’s this song even about?

Beck: I guess it’s about a girl getting a driver’s license, but it’s bitter sweet because it’s something she and her ex always talked about. That’s what I guess, based on hearing it for the first time right now.

Alex: Yeah, sure, sure. I mean, if you want to get all literal. But, I mean I think I overheard on the news or something that it’s actually about the kids from High School musical. I don’t know.

Pete: Oh, who? Vanessa Hudgens? Zac Efron? Sharpay? That whole crew?

Rege: No, man. High School musical, the series. Olivia wrote about Joshua Bassett who is allegedly now with Sabrina Carpenter. Listen, man.

Song: I just can’t imagine how you could be so okay now that I’m gone

Kenan: She’s got a healthy belt.

Beck and Rege: [singing, holding the pool stick like a mic]
Guess you didn’t mean what you wrote in that song about me

Bowen: [standing in the corner being emotional]
‘Cause you said forever, now I drive alone past your street

Rege: Okay, so I’m not the only one.

Beck: It’s like she ripped the page out of my diary. I mean notebook. I mean plain brown letter. I can’t read or write.

Old man in the corner: I got my license AlexAlex years ago. Why is this hitting me so hard?

Alex: Okay, look. I don’t want to say nothing too controversial, you know, but this is giving me Billy Eillish vibes.

Pete: Yeah, yeah, but the verses are, sorry to say, Taylor?

Rege: I mean obviously it’s Taylor Swift. Taylor’s the root. It’s also pure Olivia, man.

Mikey: [sobbing] It’s pure. That’s for sure.

Alex: Oh dude, are you crying?

Mikey: Nah, it’s just– It almost got me thinking about my breakup. Like, maybe I am Olivia and my bitch ex, Gina, is Joshua Bassett. And Sabrina Carpenter, like, that’s that bastard, Enzo, from the garage.

Rege: Ayo, bro! If Olivia taught us anything, it’s that pain can be creatively generative, man.

Kenan: Yeah. Like, remember when I lost 50 Gs on the Giants? That gave me half of my poems.

Pete: I said it once, I’ll say it again. Taylor.

Rege: Yeah. But Taylor shifted away from autobiographical and now she’s in the pocket creatively. Look at folklore, man. Ultimately, she’s a freaking storyteller.

Pete: Yeah, but I still feel as Taylor. You got a problem?

Rege: With you being purposely reductive, yeah, i got a problem.

Old man in the corner: Boys, boys! Open your hearts and listen. We’re about to get the bridge of our lives.

[everyone in one line singing]

All: Red lights, stop signs
I still see your face in the white cars, front yards
Can’t drive past the places we used to go to

Mikey: ‘Cause I still fuckin’ love you, babe (ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh)
All: It’s alright man.

Alex: Let it out.

Old man in the corner: I need to hear that freakin bridge again.

All: Yeah!

[singing] Red lights, stop signs
I still see your face in the white cars, front yards