Charmin | Season 44 Episode 11

Aidy Bryant

Kyle Mooney

James McAvoy

Kenan Thompson

Kate McKinnon

[Starting with a clip of Plaza Mall] [Cut to Aidy Bryant showing a commercial to Kyle Mooney, James McAvoy, Kenan Thompson and Kate McKinnon]

Aidy Bryant: Okay, and that was Charmin Toilet Paper [Cut to AidyBryant] Super Bowl commercial. Hut, hut, wipe. Now, my question for this focus group is, would the commercial you just saw make you want to go with Charmin?

[Cut to Kyle Mooney, James McAvoy, Kenan Thompson and Kate McKinnon] [Kyle Mooney raises his hand]

Kyle Mooney: I just got to say, that commercial was incredible. I’m blown away.

Aidy Bryant: Okay, [Cut to Aidy Bryant] well we’re happy to hear that.

[Cut to Kyle Mooney]

Kyle Mooney: So like, how’d you get them to do that?

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Who?

[Cut to Kyle Mooney]

Kyle Mooney: Well, the bears, of course. Are they like actors or a real family?

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Well, the bears aren’t real. They’re animated.

[Cut to Kyle Mooney]

Kyle Mooney: Ah, animated. Cause they’re animals. Makes sense to me.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Okay. Anyone else have any thoughts?

[Cut to Kyle Mooney, James McAvoy, Kenan Thompson and Kate McKinnon] [James McAvoy raises his hand]

James McAvoy: Yeah. I thought that the commercial was actually pretty good, [Cut to James McAvoy] but what about something like this? Bear wakes up after a night of raging, right? And bathroom is completely destroyed. Like Chernobyl. And bear’s like, if that’s on the walls, then what’s the deal with my ass? He checks it. It’s totally clean. Charmin’s done its job. Charmin.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Okay, wow! Very… Just very. Okay, but we aren’t looking for new commercial pitches, just your thoughts on the commercial you just saw. So yes, you sir?

[Cut to Kenan Thompson]

Kenan Thompson: Well bravo, but perhaps one of the bears is an educated type. Leather bound book, such and so forth. Ladies panties steamed for him?

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Well, we will think about that. Yes. You ma’am?

[Cut to Kate McKinnon]

Kate McKinnon: Yeah, couldn’t help but notice the bears were a family of whites?

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Oh, the bears aren’t white? They have no race. They’re bears.

[Cut to Kate McKinnon]

Kate McKinnon: I know they’re white because I’m white. And it is my greatest shame. So chew on this. If I had it my way, I would have been born a wise old Asian man.

[Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: Okay. Well, how about checking this? Girl bear and boy bear are on date. And things are getting flirty under the table. And girl bear says, meet me in the bathroom in five minutes. She walks in there but the bean burrito that she just had starts destroying her, butt-wise. Alright. And then five minutes later, boy bear walks in, starts rocking her world like he’s got no idea that his lady just deuced it, because the booty is clean. Charmin.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant. She is speechless.]

Aidy Bryant: Okay, not in 1 million years.

[Cut to Kyle Mooney]

Kyle Mooney: I feel like that’s kind of naughty, and also how do you even get the bears to do that, I was thinking?

[Cut to Aidy Bryant. The TV screen has a picture of a Charmin bear.]

Aidy Bryant: Okay. Okay. Okay. This is an image from the commercial, so why don’t you tell me one word comes to mind? Just one word?

[Cut to Kate McKinnon]

Kate McKinnon: Privilege. White. Generational wealth. Cape cod.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Again, one word. Just one word.

[Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: Tidy.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Okay that’s actually very good.

[Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: Tidy deuce. Came out clean like an angel. She doesn’t even need to wipe, but she still does as a victory lap, Charmin.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Okay, that’s not helpful.

[Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: Well, I don’t know, honey, it’s yous guy’s bear.

[Cut to Kyle Mooney, James McAvoy, Kenan Thompson and Kate McKinnon]

Kenan Thompson: Um, perhaps one of the bears is a captain in the new world, [Cut to Kenan Thompson] and he meets a young native woman, and he teachers her the gentle tongue, and in return she does the forbidden dance of her people. Ooh la, la, la. Ooh la, la, la.

[Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: Okay. Okay, no. My turn. Alright, bear sits down on a public toilet, right. And the automatic flush goes off while he’s still got his ass on the seat. Alright? So bear gets sucked down into the underworld. Full of pee pee and poo poo creatures. Hideouts things, right? And he has to fight his way back up into the surface world, because it’s his wedding right? And bear finally makes it out, runs to the alter, sees his wife, but check this, she’s one of them, a doo doo creature. Sick body though. They kiss. Charmin.

[Cut to Kyle Mooney, James McAvoy, Kenan Thompson and Kate McKinnon] [Everyone claps]

Kenan Thompson: Incredible man. Great job, dude.

James McAvoy: Thank you.

Kyle Mooney: That should be the commercial.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Okay, I’m going to go ahead, and cut this thing short because it’s been bad and very unhelpful.

[Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: When do we get our free Charmins, because I needed it like yesterday.

[Ends with a clip of Plaza Mall]

I Love My Dog | Season 44 Episode 11

Mark… James McAvoy

Chris Redd

Pete Davidson

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Mark, Chris Redd, Pete Davidson, Kenan Thompson warming up for rap music]

Chris Redd: Yeah, yeah

Love that girl, she stay loyal in these streets
coz soon as I pull up to the crib she getting keyed up

Pete Davidson: She my main girl I get home she get at me

hop up on my lap like welcome home, daddy

Chris Redd: I love her.  I don’t even got to fake it

and when she’s at home she loves being naked

Pete Davidson: She’s my best friend, She shows love and respect

That’s why she walk around with my name on her neck

All: I love my bitch, my bitch is my dog [Chris, Pete and Kenan standing with their dogs]

good dog, good dog, only dog that’s all.

Bow wow, my dog, good dog I talk to my dog

Bow wow, she cute she bald,

big dog, little dog, fat dog, skinny dog, roof.

Chris Redd: My cranium and feed my Pomeranian

she doodoo on my carpet I say No that is not where duty goes.

Woof Woo,f that’s the classic sound of my Pitt with my basset hound

If my dog was a dog, then I re-up with a mini Pekinese In tea cup

Pete Davidson:  I’m allergic to these bitches I touch ‘em and start itchin’

if I see it then I pet it get the drugs up out the kitchen

Woof Woff, Zyrtec and a Benadryl and a Claritin ‘cause it’s getting real

I like my dogs hype, hype, hypoallergenic

[Marks comes up front yelling]

Mark: We love dogs out here! You think this is a [Bleep] game?

You say something about my dog, I will literally murder you in your face!

Chris Redd: Woah, woah. Hey, Mark, man. You the DJ. Chill, bro. Chill, the hell is wrong with Mark?

All: My dog she comes when I call

Bow wow, My dog, silly dog, new dog, old dog, black dog, gold dog

[Cut to Kenan riding ATV with his dog]

Kenan Thompson: My dog’s name is Bryce, she my little pookie pookie

she love a little hat [The dog is wearing a little hat] but she really love a cooking

Got her own Instagram @pookiespike3

Bow wow, some say I rescue her but she really rescued me

Aw, look at her little face. You is a little boo boo in the hat. You do got a little hat on, don’t you?

[Marks comes up front yelling]

Mark: Respect this dog! Or I’ma shoot you dead! I got shooters in the streets.

Chris Redd: Yo, Mark, man, enough with the death threats, man. Chill, bro.

Pete Davidson: Something ‘bout dogs, Mark.

Kenan Thompson: I don’t like Mark.

Chris Redd: Mark crazy, bro.

Lady rapper: You boys done? I got something to say.

Puggin and thuggin yeah, that’s cool

but the kissing disgusting

Kenan Thompson: I’m kissing pookie right now.

Lady rapper: Yeah, but I’m wishin’ you wasn’t

matter fact, I’ma keep it 100

[Lady rapper carrying a rabbit]

dogs are okay, but I love me some bunnies

hop hop bunny, bunny, bunny hop hop

There’s a bunny on money hop hop

frankly I don’t give shh-TZU,

bunnies are better than dogs it’s true, it’s true

Kenan Thompson: Now you talkin’ crazy.

Mark: My dog.

Lady rapper: Bunny!

All: Dog, dog, dog, dog.

Lady rapper: Bunny hop bunny.

All: She closed it, she fall.

My best friend my dog

Lady rapper: Bunny, hop.