Valentine’s Song | Season 44 Episode 12

Halsey

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

Beck Bennett

Kenan Thompson

Carleen… Heidi Gardner

[Music video starts with Halsey, Aidy and Kate dancing in a fancy room]

Kate McKinnon: February 14th.

Aidy Bryant: The hottest Thursday of the year.

Halsey: It’s a whole day about sex, romance and sexy romance.

Kate McKinnon and Aidy Bryant and Halsey: Happy Valentine’s day.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant and Beck Bennett sitting on sofa, having romance]

Aidy Bryant:It’s 8 PM on Valentine’s day

My man got m flowers, got me lingerie

The door bell rings and I’m like what more

He shrugs at me and I run to get the door [Aidy Bryant goes to get the door]

It’s a card that says you’re my significant other

Oh no, no, to my beautiful daughter

Made me a card for mom, okay, wow,

Cause damn, damn, damn that’s not where I’m at right now

[Cut to Halsey, Kate and Aidy dancing and singing together]

Kate McKinnon and Aidy Bryant and Halsey: I don’t wanna think of you it’s a day for romance

I don’t want to think of you when getting in the pants

We’re about to pounce, money’s on the bed

And I’m grinding with him but now you’re in my head

And I’m bumpin’, I’m bangin’, I’m boning’

I’m about to bust through

So I don’t wanna think of you

[Cut to Kenan Thompson singing in a white suit]

Kenan Thompson: Stand down, stand down and now she’s face timing you

Stand down, stand down.

[Cut to Halsey at her desk]

Halsey: I’m at my desk and I’m sexting my boo

Telling him the freaky deaky stuff we’re gonna do

He sends a pic of his full winnie

I hear a knock and it’s my female boss Carleen [Cut to Carleen with a teddy bear]

This is bad, I’m holding in my chair [Carleen gives the ear to Halsey]

Gotta shift gears because she’s handing me a big pink bear

And we’re not close, Carleen do less

A quick side hug then home and make a mess

[Cut to Halsey, Kate and Aidy dancing and singing together]

Kate McKinnon and Aidy Bryant and Halsey: I don’t wanna think of you you’re a very loose acquaintance

I don’t wanna think of you when you’re down there doin’ some maintenance

Give us crap gifts, well that’s your call

But tell me when did this day become a free-for-all

Your card says I love you and again Carleen you are my boss.

So I don’t wanna think of you

[Cut to Kenan Thompson singing in a white suit]

Kenan Thompson: Stand down, stand down Carleen you handle the checks

Stand down, stand down.

[Cut to Kate McKinnon handling things with her son]

Kate McKinnon: I don’t want to think of the card that my son bought me

Keep in mind when you hear this daddy can’t really read

It says baby I can’t wait for tonight

another sexy formation but it’s just not right.

And what do you think will happen tonight? We eat cake mama.

Halsey: Cake mama.

[Cut to Halsey, Kate and Aidy dancing and singing together]

Kate McKinnon and Aidy Bryant and Halsey: I don’t want to think of you. I just wanna curl my toes

When my dentist gives me a single rose

Sexy day meant for me and my lover

Why did I get this lotion from my brother

Aidy Bryant: I don’t do that Michael.

Kate McKinnon and Aidy Bryant and Halsey: The cards and the candies ‘cause I love you too

I love you but I don’t wanna think of you

[Cut to Kenan Thompson delivering his message in a white suit]

Kenan Thompson: Valentine’s day is for lovers. They don’ want to hear from you. That’s what birthdays are for.

Air Traffic Control | Season 44 Episode 11

Mikey Day

Heidi Gardner

Kate McKinnon

James McAvoy

Kenan Thompson

Beck Bennett

[Starts with a video clip of a flying airplane] [Cut to Mikey Day and Heidi Gardner in cockpit]

Mikey Day: Oh god, I don’t know what I’m doing, I can’t fly this plane.

Heidi Gardner: I’ll go see if the pilot is conscious. [Heidi leaves the cockpit]

Mikey Day: Okay. Try to get someone on the radio. Hello, hello. May day. May day.

Kate McKinnon:  Hello.

Mikey Day: Yes, hello.

[Cut to Kate McKinnon in air traffic control room]

Kate McKinnon: Yes, this is Glasgow Air Traffic Control. Are you in distress?

[Cut to Mikey Day]

Mikey Day: Yes. I’m not a pilot. I am part of Klie Jenner’s brand integration team. We’re on a private jet going to London for Kylie event. We hit bad turbulence and our pilot got knocked unconscious. But Kylie’s not on board. Thank god.

[Cut to Kate Mckinnon]

Kate McKinnon:I don’t know who that is, but it shounds like you’re going to have to land that plane. I’ll put you in very good hands. This man is the best, he’ll get you down. Just do exactly as he says.

[Cut to Mikey Day]

Mikey Day: Okay. I’m ready.

[Cut to James McAvoy in air traffic control room]

James McAvoy: All right. [James McAvoy speaks with heavy accent that it’s hard to understand] I know you’re coming off walley up there. I’m going to have to skating faster than –- okay?

[Cut to Mikey Day]

Mikey Day: What?

[Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: I’m going to get you down, but here’s what I need you to do first. Okay. Deep breath.

[Cut to Mikey Day]

Mikey Day: What?

[Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: I just want you to take a deep breath. In, out, in, out.

[Cut to Mikey Day. Heidi Gardner is in the cockpit again.]

Mikey Day: What?

Heidi Gardner: What did he say?

[Cut to James McAvoy]

Mikey Day: Deep breath. Right? And you need to stay calm?

[Cut to Mikey Day and Heidi Gardner]

Heidi Gardner: What are they saying?

Mikey Day: He says I need a stakub?

Heidi Gardner: Okay, maybe there’s one in the cabin.[Heidi leaves] [Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: Listen to me very carefully. On the wee panel of switches in front of you, there’s a —size of a — What do you call it? [Cut to James McAvoy and Kate McKinnon] American cookie?

Kate McKinnon: Oreo cookie.

James McAvoy: Oreo? No, Keebler. All right. There’s a thing of a size of an Oreo cookie. I thought it was a Keebler. What’s to do that —

[Cut to Mikey Day]

Mikey Day: Say again?

[Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: The brown — that looks like an Oreo cookie? Where’s it coming ?

[Cut to Mikey Day]

Mikey Day: I got broom doo-da.

[Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: No, the color. Brown.

[Cut to Mikey Day]

Mikey Day: Oh, brown.

[Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: What’s the brown dooda coming in at?

[Cut to Mikey Day]

Mikey Day: I’m so sorry your accent is very thick. Is it possible to not have it? Over? [Heidi Gardner and Kenan Thompson enter the cockpit] Theyr’e speaking Scottish. And it’s very hard .

[Kenan sits on co-pilot’s seat]

Kenan Thompson: All right. Let me handle this. I spent some time in Scotland so my ears are favorable to Scottish accent. This is Kylie’s branding director, let’s do this.

[Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: Good. Two is better than one. Tell me if you can –– goggles.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson and Mikey Day]

Kenan Thompson: Nope. [Kenan stands and tries to leave]

Mikey Day: I need you. [Mikey doesn’t let Kenan go]

Kenan Thompson: Fine. Please tell me what I need to do.

[Cut to James McAvoy and Kate McKinnon]

James McAvoy: You try.

Kate McKinnon: All right. Can you look out the window.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson and Mikey Day]

Kenan Thompson: Did I eat at Wendy’s? Never.

[Cut to James McAvoy and Kate McKinnon]

Kate McKinnon: No, no. Out the window.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson and Mikey Day]

Kenan Thompson: All right, fine, I had Wendy’s last week. But don’t tell Kylie.

[Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: Let’s sit back man! We’re only going to get crack at this once. There’s a wee Jack on the dash. Can wee talk.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson and Mikey Day]

Kenan Thompson: No. [Kenan leaves] [Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: Oh, no. Oh, no. In the name of the wee man. Radar’s got you leaving Scottish Airspace. The connection is going crunchier than a bag of smashed chips.

[Cut to James McAvoy and Kate McKinnon]

Kate McKinnon: Okay. We’re going to have to patch you over to Welsh Air Traffic Control. God speed to you guys.

[Cut to Mikey Day] [Heidi joins Mikey]

Heidi Gardner: What’s happening?

Mikey Day: I don’t know. I think we’re on our own.

Beck Bennett: Hello? Go for Wales Air Traffic Control.

Mikey Day: Maybe not. Good to hear your voice, Wales.

[Cut to Beck Bennett at his air traffic control room[

Beck Bennett: [Speaking foreign language]

Mikey Day: What?

Heidi Gardner: Just aim for water.

[Ends with video clip of flying airplane]