Tag: Mikey Day

Super Mario 35th Anniversary

Mike… Bowen Yang

Danica… Ego Nwodim

Jake Cook… Kyle Mooney

Josh Allen… Mikey Day

K.L. Fitzroy… Kenan Thompson

Raquel De Leon… Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with video clips of Nintendo]

Female voice: 35 years ago, Nintendo released the first Super Mario Bros and made video game history and to celebrate this landmark anniversary, we ask fans, young and old, about their first Mario memories.

[Cut to Mike]

Mike: I was only like, four or five when I first played my first Mario game but I was immediately hooked. Mario made me fall in love with video games.

[Cut to Danica Mann]

Danica: I remember getting the first sales report when the first Mario came out and my jaw dropped. We broke every industry record on the first day of sales.

[Cut to Josh Allen and Jake Cook]

Josh: Jake and I rode our bikes to Target to buy Mario 1 and we rode so fast.

Jake: We were like, passing cars like, “Move, people! We gotta play Mario!” Never peddled faster.

Josh: Yeah. Or maybe too fast because Jake caught major air off this little jump off and when he hit the ground, he missed the seat and landed with all his weight on to the cross bar and he demolished his nuts.

Jake: I didn’t demolish them.

Josh: Yeah, you did. They popped.

Jake: Popped? That’s not even– You’re the most random guy I’ve ver met. My first Mario memories are amazing. Remember?

Josh: Alright. For the record though, they definitely popped. Like, we heard them pop. Your eyes rolled back so they were all white and you screamed, “Popped! They popped!”

Jake: Okay. They popped. The point is Mario is an amazing game.

[Cut to K.L. Fitzroy. He is shocked by what he just heard.]

K.L.: I’m sorry. Forgive me. I’m at loss of words after that horrifying story about that man’s nuts. Maybe we should let the dust settle on that before I start talking about Mario.

[Cut to Raquel De Leon]

Raquel: I’m sorry. They heard them pop?

[Cut to Josh Allen and Jake Cook]

Josh: You remember the day you beat Mario 1?

Jake: Yeah. We were at my house or your house?

Josh: We were in the hospital. Jake was recovering from surgery to, I don’t know the medical term, but rebuild his nuts. But it was unsuccessful.

Jake: It wasn’t unsuccessful.

Josh: Yeah. Yeah, it was. They told Jake it was like, trying to put a watermelon back together after it was dropped off a 10 storey building.

Jake: Yeah. Back to Mario, though. Greatest of all time.

Josh: Yeah. It was the only thing that made him forget that they had to remove his nuts.

Jake: Alright. Stop talking about that.

[Cut to K.L. Fitzroy]

K.L.: Please change the order so that I don’t directly follow those two? I’m begging you. I mean, I can’t wax nostalgic about Mario one second after hearing about how that boy was neutered.

[Cut to Raquel De Leon]

Raquel: No, thank you.

[Cut to video clips of Mario Bros.]

Female voice: More Mario adventures followed but one shattered records and set a new standard for games. Super Mario Brother’s 3.

[Cut to Josh Allen and Jake Cook]

Josh: The day Mario 3 came out is burned into my memory.

Jake: Mario could fly. I was–

Josh: Back in the hospital.

Jake: Was I?

Josh: Yeah. You had emergency surgery. There was some sort of infection I guess and they had to remove everything from Jake’s groin and what was described to me at least as a sanding down of his pelvic area.

Jake: I don’t remember them saying sanding down.

Josh: No. They did. I walked into Jake’s recovery room with Mario 3 and he said–

Jake: It’s on!

Josh: No. You said, “Nothing’s down there anymore. I’m smooth like a barbie. I’m smooth like a barbie. I’m smooth like a barbie.”

Jake: What? Hey, where do you come up with these stuff?

Josh: You said it. We played Mario 3 non-stop.

Jake: We were Mario maniacs.

Josh: We played everyday. Except the days Jake had physical therapy to relearn how to pee.

Jake: It wasn’t a big deal.

Josh: No, it kind of was, though. Jake now pees through a small hole just below his belly button. [a made up picture of Jake on a toilet bowl laying horizontally appears on the screen] So, he has to lie horizontally faced down and basically plank the toilet.

Jake: How do you have a picture of that? Just out of curiosity.

Josh: Through it all though, Mario was there and he’s still here making us smile again and again.

Jake: Okay. So, where will all this air? Just so I know.

[Cut to K.L. Fitzroy]

K.L.: It was a simple request. I do not wish to follow those two. Go to hell.

[Cut to Nintendo message clip]

Female voice: Happy 35th anniversary, Mario! With you, the fun never pops! Ah! I mean stops. Sorry.

Headless Horseman

Icabod Crane… John Mulaney

Headless Horseman… Beck Bennett

William… Pete Davidson

Mikey Day

[Starts with a man walking into the woods in a full moon night.]

Icabod Crane: Keet it together, Icabod Crane. Nothing to be afraid of in these spooky, scary woods. [spooky noise] What? What is that? [he sees an owl] It was only an owl. Calm your nerves, Icabod.

Unknown voice: Icabod Crane.

Icabod Crane: Who’s there? Show yourself.

Unknown voice: Icabod Crane. [There’s a headless horseman] How dare you trespass in these woods on all Hallow’s eve?

Icabod Crane: My god, it’s the headless horseman. The one I heard tale of in ghastly stories.

Headless Horseman: The very same.

Icabod Crane: And it’s true what they say. You’re cursed to carry around your own severed head.

Headless Horseman: For eternity.

Icabod Crane: So, since you’re holding a detached but animated head, do you ever use it to… you know.

Headless Horseman: To what?

Icabod Crane: Do you use it? You know, like, on yourself?

Headless Horseman: What? What on earth are you talking about?

Icabod Crane: No. It’s– Okay, look. I’ve been trying to do it with myself with my regular attached head. I tried yoga and I tried stretching. I even had the town doctor remove two of my ribs.

Headless Horseman: Argh! That’s disgusting.

Icabod Crane: Oh! Says the man holding his severed head. Don’t tell me it never crossed your mind. Look how you’re holding the head. The mouth is already right there.

Headless Horseman: Honestly, I’ve never thought about it.

Icabod Crane: Well, it would have been my first thought right after, “Oh, my god. They chopped off my head”, I would have pivoted to, “Huh? Possible silver lining here.” It’s like they always say, ‘when life hands you a severed head, you put your mouth on your digus.’

Headless Horseman: Enough! You’ll have plenty of time to think such foul thoughts after I send you straight to hell.

[William walks in]

William: Icabod, I came as soon as I could.

Icabod Crane: Oh, how brave. You came to rescue me, William?

William: No. I wanted to ask the horseman some questions. You ever just roll into the ladies room?

Headless Horseman: Excuse me?

William: The head. You ever roll it under the stalls in the woman’s bathroom and be like, “Mental pictures”.

Headless Horseman: No! Of course, not. I don’t even go indoors.

William: Okay. Then you ever use your head to… you know… on yourself?

Headless Horseman: He already asked that.

Icabod Crane: I already asked that.

William: Great minds.

Icabod Crane: Hey, follow up to my thing. Do you, like most men in our era, have false removable teeth because that could feel really good if you got–

Headless Horseman: I have real teeth.

William: Ah! Bummer!

Icabod Crane: But could you tilt the head so that you can make eye contact, like, if someone wanted that, I mean.

Headless Horseman: No. I mean, yes. But why would anyone want that?

William: Personal connection.

Icabod Crane: Power, for me.

William: Hey. When your throat got cut, did it happen to the gag reflex?

Headless Horseman: Okay. Now, I’m sending you both to hell.

William: Why send us to hell when you can send yourself to heaven?

[Mikey walks in]

Mikey: Icabod, William, did you ask the horseman about–

Icabod Crane: Yes, yes. We’re like, way into it.

Mikey: Then, I have a question that’s gonna seem weird on several levels. But is the head dishwasher safe?

Headless Horseman: What are you talking about?

Mikey: I’m just curious about clean up.

Icabod Crane: No, no, I get that. But listen, it’s an open neck, right? So, he could probably just drink a glass of water after you do it. And it just like, falls out.

William: Yeah. You could probably go in through the neck too. That’s a whole new experience.

Headless Horseman: All your minds are filthy. What is going on in this town?

Icabod Crane: Well, it’s full of puritans, homie. We’re the most sexually repressed people in history.

William: Yeah. Sorry I’m obsessed with sex. This is going to shock you but my wife Goodie Chasity isn’t exactly fulfilling my needs.

Headless Horseman: Alright. I’m through with this conversation. Icabod Crane, you shall suffer my wraith– [William walks to Headless Horseman and tries to lift his head off his hand.] Hey! What are you doing? No.

[William passes the head to Icabod Crane]

Icabod Crane: Alright. Let’s just say things are coming to a-head [pun].

Male voice: And so, the legend of sleepy hollow was born. They say if you walk the woods today, you can sill hear the ghostly cries of the horseman’s head yelling, “Come on guys! I need a break!” And then, “Hey, hey! The ears are off-limits!” Happy all hallows eve, from all of us at NBC, but mainly Lorne who wrote this sketch.

Biden Halloween Cold Open

Joe Biden… Jim Carrey

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Nate Silver… Mikey Day

Ice Cube… Kenan Thompson

Lil Wayne… Chris Redd

Kamala Harris… Maya Rudolph

Mitch McConnell… Beck Bennett

[Starts with intro]

Male voice: And now, a holiday message from former vice president, Joe Biden.

[Cut to Joe Biden sitting in his home. He has his house decorated for Halloween.]

Joe Biden: Greetings, America. It’s a spooky time filled with demons and darkness. Also, it’s Halloween. For some Trump voters, it’s the only day they’ll wear a mask. Do you like my decorations? I borrowed them from Melania’s Christmas display, which reminds me, there’s another holiday right around the corner.Election day. If you’re like most Americans, you’re excited to vote and very, very worried about the outcome. But don’t worry. They say I made points ahead. Poll numbers like that can only go wrong once in a blue moon. [There’s a blue moon outside of Joe Biden’s window.] Hah! Well, that’s a little troubling. But tonight, I wanted to take our minds off the election by reading a scary story. [Joe Biden pulls out Donald Trump Jr’s book ‘Triggered’. Then immediately puts it away.] Hah! That one’s a little too scary. [He pulls out another book] It’s Edgar Allan Poe, The Raven, a classic poem. You know, in the 1800s, people would read this and soil their pantaloons. Let’s see how it holds up. It’s hard to open.

[Joe Biden opens the book]

Once upon a midnight dreary,
while Trump retweeted QAnon theories
and rifled through his Adderall drawer
I was writing my acceptance speech when something stopped me with a screech
it was a knock upon my chamber door
it was someone still a little sore

[Hillary Clinton walks in the door as the raven]

Hillary Clinton: Ha-ha-ha-ha

Joe Biden: Who made me scared of four years more
Quoth the Clinton…

Hillary Clinton: …We’ve lost before, Ha-ha-ha

Joe Biden: I said, “Raven, stop being such a drag
we’ve got this one in a bag

it’s what every pundit said from shore to shore

Hillary Clinton: Not Michael Moore,
he says voters are being under counted in the polls
also even if you do win on Tuesday,
the election could still be stolen from you

Joe Biden: I said, “Common! No one would dare.
I’ll be sworn in fair and square
all the votes will be accounted for

Hillary Clinton: Just like Al Gore?

Joe Biden: This time is different, I can win
the people know I have a plan

Hillary Clinton: But your real advantage is you’re not a woman, you’re a man

Okay, you got this. Okay.

[Hillary Clinton walks out the door]

Joe Biden: I checked the website at 5:38
to find out my election fate
Nate Silver, you will know the score
even though…

[Nate Silver is standing there]

Nate Silver: I was wrong before.
So, look, guys, our current model shows that Trump has less than a one in six chance of winning, about the same odds as the number one coming up when you roll a die. So, for example, [Nate Silver rolls a die] hah! One! Well, I guess that shows you that it’s technically possible, however unlikely, but roll it again an you will see that it’s a… [rolls the die again] hah! One! But roll it again… [rolls the die again] and ‘electoral college tie’? That’s not even an option. Okay, I’m just going to leave because I think our country is haunted.

Joe Biden: Our country is not haunted. We just have to come together like two butt cheeks to stop the crap.

Decent folks out there I ask,
hasn’t Trump failed at his task?
do not elect him anymore
though Ice Cube and Lil Wayne…

[Cut to Ice Cube and Lil Wayne wearing MAGA hat]

Ice Cube and Lil Wayne: … are voting for.

Joe Biden: Why in the name of all that is holy
would you be voting for Trump?

Ice Cube and Lil Wayne: Taxes!

Lil Wayne: Plus, Trumps got a new platinum plan.

Ice Cube: That’s right. If you got a platinum record, you can plan on him doing a photo op with you.

Joe Biden: Trump cannot win,
we must do better
than that spray tan super spreader
still I will win coz I’m a baller
just ask my running mate Kamala

[Kamala Harris walks in]

Kamala Harris: Come on, Joe, you know it’s Kamala

Joe Biden: I know. I took some artistic liberties to preserve my rhyme scheme.

I know a lot’s uncertain but I believe I’ll win this race. 

Kamala Harris: And that’s why Mitch McConnell…

[Mitch McConnell walks in]

Mitch McConnell: …is stopping by, just in case
Joe, my old pal from the senate. Don’t tell anyone this but I’m kind of pulling for you. You’re doing great. [Mitch McConnell showing thumbs up. His thumbs are injured.]

Joe Biden: My god. What happened to your hands, lobster boy?

Mitch McConnell: Oh. No. This is just very calm and normal condition called ‘old man purple’. Basically my blood hates me so much, it’s trying to reave my body. Either that or I’m too far away from my horcrux.

[Mitch McConnell runs out]

Joe Biden: So, whatever happens, America, know that it’ll be okay. 

Kamala Harris: Our nation will endure. We will fight another day. 

Joe Biden: I’m sure it will be peaceful no matter who has won. 

Kamala Harris: Though it’s never a good sign when Walmart stops selling guns
use your voice and use your vote
democracy will represent

Joe Biden: This daylight savings time, let’s gain an hour and lose a president.

Joe Biden and Kamala Harris: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Weekend Update- Eric, Donald Jr. and Tiffany Trump on the 2020 Election

Colin Jost

Eric… Alex Moffat

Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day

Tiffany Trump… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: It’s safe to say it’s been a bumpy couple of weeks for the Trump family. Here with an update, our first sons, Eric and Don. Trump Jr.

[Eric and Donald Trump Jr. slide in]

Donald Trump Jr.: Colin.

Colin Jost: Hey, guys.

Donald Trump Jr.: Hey, so you were in the Hamptons all summer. No call? No touch?

Colin Jost: It’s okay. No.

Donald Trump Jr.: Didn’t I see you at the Trump boat parade?

Colin Jost: No. I was just on a fishing trip.

Donald Trump Jr.: Maybe. [Eric mumbling] Eric, move your mask. We can’t hear you, buddy. [Eric pulls the mask to cover his eyes and open his mouth.] No, come on. Just put it down. [Donald Trump Jr. pulls the mask off of Eric] Ew, Eric. It’s wet. Were you chewing on it?

Eric: [smiling] No.

Colin Jost: That’s a yes. I’m so glad to see that you guys are both healthy. That’s great.

Donald Trump Jr.: Yep. Healthy and thriving, Colin. I’ve been out on the campaign trail, super spreading my father’s message. And Eric had his very first Zoom business meeting today.

Eric: Uh-huh. I was muted.

Donald Trump Jr.: Yes. And he did great. He did great.

Colin Jost: Sounds great. Congratulations Eric. Now, most polls show that your father’s trailing Joe Biden. Is he worried about losing re-election?

[Eric and Donald Trump Jr. laughing]

Donald Trump Jr.: Dad isn’t worried about losing this election. In fact he is–

Eric: Terrified.

Donald Trump Jr.: No. No, he’s not because he knows his base will show up on election day. In fact, he calls all his supporters–

Eric: [interrupting] White trash.

Donald Trump Jr.: No. He does not. He absolutely does not.

Eric: Yeah, and he does that voice.

Donald Trump Jr.: No, he doesn’t. Hey, you wanna put some hand sanitizer on, buddy? Here. [hands him a sanitizer] You’ve been touching stuff all day. You deal with that. Look, Colin, sleepy creepy Joe doesn’t have the stamina to pull off a win here. His platform is just re-heated [Eric is trying to drink the sanitizer] Obamacare policies that quite frankly didn’t work. Eric! Eric! You just drank that?

Eric: Dad said it was fine.

Donald Trump Jr.: Buddy, it’s not. It’s like, 98% alcohol, buddy. You can’t do that. [Eric shows the bottle to everyone] Don’t show. What was that? Are you alright?

Eric: Uh-huh.

Donald Trump Jr.: Just ease off on that.

Colin Jost: Alright, he’s feeling it. Is your father confident then? He’s confident that he’s gonna win in November, you think?

[Eric is trying to drink the sanitizer again]

Donald Trump Jr.: Buddy, no more drinking that.

Eric: I wasn’t.

Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah.

Colin Jost: He’s gonna win, you think?

Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah. And the whole family’s got his back. Just ask our sister!

Colin Jost: Oh, wow! Is Ivanka here?

[Tiffany slides in. She’s got a ship-captain’s hat on and a bottle of champagne in her hand.]

Tiffany: Whoo!

Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah.

Colin Jost: Oh, no. It’s not. It doesn’t look like Ivanka.

Donald Trump Jr.: No. Unfortunately, Ivanka–

Eric: Doesn’t like us. I was gonna say, “is busy”. So, we brought our other sister Tiffany.

Tiffany: Haha. Happy birthday to me. Haha. Hi, Colin.

Colin Jost: Hi, Tiffany. I see you’re still celebrating your birthday even that you got some flack in the press.

Tiffany: I’m just trying to be relatable millennial, Colin. But yeah, the media got all butt-hurt because I was partying maskless in Miami with the first 20 randos to slide in my DM. But I mean, I’m a step child named Tiffany. It’s kind of my job to get faded on south beach.

Donald Trump Jr.: She’s kidding, Colin.

Eric: [whispering to Donald Trump Jr.] Don, who is that lady?

Donald Trump Jr.: That’s your sister, Eric. Wait, Tiff, I don’t know if you and Eric have officially met.

Tiffany: Um, not in person. No.

Eric: [greeting Tiffany] Hi, not-vanka.

Donald Trump Jr.: Eric, don’t call her not-vanka, buddy.

Eric: Sorry.

Tiffany: It’s okay. Dad does.

Colin Jost: Tiffany, I have to ask. Were you worried about spreading COVID to your party guests considering that your father just had it?

Tiffany: Um, no. Daddy’s always taking the six-foot social distance rule very seriously with me.

Donald Trump Jr.: So, as you can see, Colin, we’re a united front. And we know dad is going to win no matter what the dems try to stir up. Like, this latest debt nonsense? Please, my dad doesn’t owe $400 million. He owes–

Eric: [interrupting] $800 million.

Donald Trump Jr.: He owes–

Tiffany: [interrupting] A billion dollars.

Donald Trump Jr.: No. He owes a little but Colin, you know how my dad does business. He goes  big or–

Eric and Tiffany: He goes to jail.

Donald Trump Jr.: Colin, I can’t handle them. I can’t handle them both.

Colin Jost: Alright. The first kids, everyone.

Donald Trump Jr.: Thank you.

Dueling Town Halls Cold Open

George Stephanopoulos… Mikey Day

Joe Biden… Jim Carrey

Nicholas Fetin… Chris Redd

Savannah Guthrie… Kate McKinnon

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Jacklin Lugo… Melissa Villaseñor

Paula Dale… Chloe Fineman

Kamala Harris… Maya Rudolph

[Starts with a video message]

Male voice: On Thursday, Vice President Biden held a town hall, as scheduled, on ABC. At the same time, NBC laid a thirst trap for President Trump. One town hall was a thoughtful, cogent discussion of the issues facing our country. The other featured President Trump. We now present a rebroadcast of those town halls the way most Americans watched them… Flipping back and forth, trying to decide between a Hallmark movie and an alien autopsy. This… is…

[Cut to intro of Dueling Town Halls]

Male voice: … Dueling Town Halls

[Cut to George Stephanopoulos at his set]

George: Good evening. I’m George Stephanopoulos. And the vibe we’re going for tonight is poorly attended college lecture. The folks asking questions are half pro-Biden and half anti-Trump and somehow we’ve put all of them in the last row of the balcony. [Cut to the audience. There are only two of them.] How are you guys up there?

Man: Huh?

Woman: I have vertigo.

George: Great! [Cut to George] And our guest of honor tonight is former vice president and future oatmeal spokesman, Joe Biden.

[Cut to Joe Biden walking in]

[Cheers and applause]

Joe Biden: Hello. Hello, Philadelphians. It’s great to be here. Hey, is that Bobby Clark of the 1974-75 flyers? [Joe Biden walks to the audience side]

George: Mr. Vice President, please don’t wander into the audience to greet people.

Joe Biden: Sorry. [Joe Biden is very close to the camera] I’m just so excited to talk to America with real life Americans. Hey, George, check it out. [starts dancing] That’s dance for the kids on TikTok.

George: Okay, Joe. Let’s focus. Now, are you ready for softball questions for folks who are already voting for you?

Joe Biden: You bet your short pants I am. This is going to be exciting, George. I’ve given every audience member a glass of warm milk and a blanket. Who’s ready to have fun with facts and figures?

[There’s a guy in the audience holding a glass of milk]

George: Alright. First question is from Nicholas Fetin and he’s a democrat.

Nicholas: Mr. Vice President, how would your response to COVID differ from horrible one of President Trump who I hate?

George: Okay, let’s limit how many times you outright say you hate President Trump during your questions. Mr. Vice President, go ahead.

Joe Biden: Okay. Now, Nicholas, where the hell are you?

Nicholas: I’m up here. Go ahead.

Joe Biden: Hey, yes. Here’s the deal. Unlike the president, I actually have a plan.

Nicholas: Okay, great. What is it?

Joe Biden: A plan? It’s a detailed proposal for doing or achieving something.

Nicholas: No, no. I mean what’s your plan?

Joe Biden: Oh, right, right. Well, let me start with a story mixed with a complicated math problem. If you have 3 million doses of vaccine and the vaccine leaves Chicago at 10 AM, what time would it arrive in Washington, and please show your work.

[changing channel]

[Cut to Savannah in her set]

Savannah: Good evening America. I’m am surprised badass Savannah Guthrie. And if you are angry at NBC for doing this Town Hall, just let me get a few questions in and I think you’ll thank me. Joining me tonight is President Donald Trump.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

[cheers and applause]

Donald Trump: Thank you Saran Getti. It’s great to be here. Even though, woman.

Savannah: We have lots of voters waiting to ask questions, but I’d like to start by tearing you a new one. Why won’t you condemn white supremacy?

Donald Trump: I do. I do condemn and I have always more or less condemned it.

Savannah: What about QAnon?

Donald Trump: You mean the group that thinks democrats are a cabal of satan-worshipping pedophiles, and I’m their messiah? I don’t know anything about them at all. No.

Savannah: Yes, you do, Mr. President.

Donald Trump: Well, I do know that they’re against pedophilia and I agree with that. If anyone’s against pedophiles, it’s me, the man who was close personal friends with one of the most famous pedophiles on earth. Russian power, Jeffrey.

Savannah: Okay. What about the Aryan Brotherhood?

Donald Trump: They’re very pro family. That’s all I know.

Savannah: KKK?

Donald Trump: The car breaks down, you call triple-K.

Savannah: Okay. Mr. President, just last week you tweeted that Osama Bin Laden is still alive.

Donald Trump: I didn’t tweet it. It was a retweet which is short for really smart tweet.

Savannah: Okay. But you can’t just do things like that. You’re not just someone’s crazy uncle.

Donald Trump: Really? Because this conversation we’re having right now was a preview of thanks giving dinner and a lot of American households are crazy uncles. Stand back and standby.

[changing channel]

[Cut back to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: And that brings us to George9Savannah9. A year when I went to the world’s fair and met the ream Mickey Mouse. Does that answer your question? If you want to find me after the Town Hall, we can talk some more.

Nicholas: Some more?

[changing channel]

Savannah: So, just to be clear, when was the last time you tested negative.

Donald Trump: There were so many tests, Santana. I get tested all the time.

Savannah: Okay, for COVID.

Donald Trump: There were so many COVIDs, Savannah. COVID-GeorgeJoe Biden, COVID-GeorgeDonald Trump.

Savannah: Were you tested for COVID-George9 on the day of the debate?

Donald Trump: There have been so many debates, Savannah.

Savannah: There was one f-ing debate. Now, do you have any remaining symptoms of COVID?

Donald Trump: No. Not at all. I’m doing great. My doctors said my lung is beautiful. I have one beautiful lung now. It’s turned basically into glass, so it’s very strong.

Savannah: And you didn’t have pneumonia?

Donald Trump: I had a small fever. It was around 100… celcius, but I did great. I never died, never saw hell or the devil. He never showed me a list of my sins. I was just alive and strong the whole time.

Savannah: Okay, I’m done with my initial prostate exam. Our first question tonight is from Jacklin Lugo.

Jacklin: Hello, Mr. President. [Spanish language]

Donald Trump: No, no. Different person.

Savannah: Okay. Let’s go to our next question from Paula Dale and I’m told she’s horny.

Paula: Um, yes. Greetings Mr. President. I have to say you have a great smile. He does. You’re so handsome when you smile.

Donald Trump: Thank you.

Paula: Can you give us a little more smile? There’s so much to smile about right now. [Donald Trump is smiling] Let me see those gorgeous chompers. [Donald Trump can’t stop smiling] There we go, so beautiful. Now, my question is about immigration. [Donald Trump suddenly makes angry expression] My parents were both immigrants, so I want to know what you’ll do with the so called ‘dreamers.’

Donald Trump: Where did you parents immigrate from?

Paula: Mexico. I’m kidding. They came from Mrs. Maisel-Vania.

[changing channel]

Joe Biden: And that’s why you have to do something. You can make a difference. You can save this country.

George: Joe, who are you talking to?

Joe Biden: I’m talking to God, George. Father, son, holy, ghost, you’re the team we love the most.

[changing channel]

Donald Trump: And that’s why– that’s why we’re going to have a v-shaped recovery, a deep V, rippling pecs and a toned eight packs, swimmer’s body basically like I have after COVID and it’s going to be beautiful.

Savannah: The question was why won’t you releases your taxes?

Donald Trump: That’s simple because I don’t want to go to jail. Thank you.

Savannah: Our next question is from a pro live millennial, so, yikes, good luck.

Woman: My question is did you nominate judge Barrett to strike down Roe V. Wade? Because that would be pretty chill of you TBH.

[There’s a black woman behind Donald Trump nodding her head yes.]

Donald Trump: That’s a beautiful question. Thank you. I didn’t tell Amy– I didn’t tell Amy Conan O’Brian to vote any way on any issue. Some people, some very brilliant legal minds say that Roe V. Wade should be overturned and burned in a trashcan like Antifa is burning all of my ballots because everyone knows that radical left are trying to seal this election. They’re taking down statues which are full of Trump votes. That’s where people place their votes. It’s in the statues and the Antifa is stealing them and changing them Trump to Kathy Griffin–

[Kamala Harris walks in]

Kamala Harris: Okay. Okay. [cheers and applause] I’m sorry. This is the last place I want to be. But somebody has to ask, what the happening with that woman? Because I only nod that much when a waiter asks if I’ll be having mimosas at brunch. So, either that’s Candace Owens in a wig or baby girl answered the wrong craigslist ad. Are you okay miss? [the woman is shaking her head no] Just blink twice if you’re being held hostage. [the woman is just shaking her head] Oh, oh, you’re listening to music on tiny headphones? I’m genuinely trying to understand what is happening. Because if you’re not a plant, then I am deeply, deeply concerned for you.

Donald Trump: She is probably just upset that I didn’t win the Nobel Prize. [the woman starts honking the blow air horn.]

Kamala Harris: I need to get out of here because this is some spooky ass Jordan Peele nonsense. [The woman now has a message sign “Call Me, Fox News!”] I just hope Joe’s Town Hall is more inspiring than this.

[changing channel]

Joe Biden: [soothing music playing on background] Let’s make the most of this beautiful day. Since we’re together, we might as well say.

[singing with the audience] Would you be mine, could you be mine
won’t you be my neighbors?

What do you say? Will you be my neighbors, George?

George: What? I’m sorry, I’m watching the Trump one. They’re really going at it.

[changing channel]

[Cut to Donald Trump and Savannah trying to wrestle on the stage]

Male voice: [rock music playing on background] And now, Savannah is telling him there’s another question. But oh, no, it was just a distraction. Savannah has a folding chair [Savannah gets a chair and hits Donald Trump] from the audience and Trump doesn’t see it. Oh, the humanity.

[changing channel]

[Cut to Joe Biden wearing a wig and painting a landscape]

Joe Biden: And you see, each tree has it’s own personality. Just like America. Does that answer your question, Justin?

Justin: If I say yes, can I sit down?

Joe Biden: You bet, you buckaroo.

Justin: Both of my legs are sleeping.

George: Well, Mr. Vice President, I believe we are about out of time, so I’m going to ask you for your closing statement.

Joe Biden: George, we have to restore sanity to the nation. If elected, I promise I won’t tweet once because I don’t know how. And I’ll have exactly one scandal. I will mistake Angela Merkel for my wife from behind and tell her she’s got a rocking caboose. There’s no malice in that. That’s it.

[changing channel]

Donald Trump: In conclusion, there’s only one question that matters. Just ask yourselves, America, aren’t you better off than you were four years ago?

[Cut to the map of America saying “No”]

[Cut back to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: All right, then just try and take me alive.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Canadian News Show

Jean-Lawrence… Bowen Yang

Anne-Marie.. Kate McKinnon

Fred… Mikey Day

Awa-Sene… Issa Rae

[Starts with channel intro]

Male voice: You’re watching CBC, Canadian Broadcasting Corporation. At nine, it’s “Schitt’s Creek” followed by the Shitt’s Creek reboot “Schartt’s Cavern”. But right now, you’re watching “Bonjour Hi!”

[Cut to Jean-Lawrence and Anne-Marie in their set.]

Jean-Lawrence: Bonjour Hi. Welcome to “Bonjour Hi”, the French Canadian morning news show live from Montreal, Montreal- the best parts of Canada and the worst parts of France. My name is Zoro Halls or John Larry. And as always, I’m joined by my beautiful cohost, Annagi.

Anne-Marie: Bonjour Jone.

Jean-Lawrence: Bonjour Hi. Now we do the bouncer. How was your weekend?

Anne-Marie: Well, I suffered an injury and I made love to a surf suley performer. I choke on the big scarf.

Jean-Lawrence: You’re always doing this.

Anne-Marie: Wait, but I went for surgery which was free, of course, and so is my new scarf.

Jean-Lawrence: Pretty. And today, we have with us our colleague from the south. He’s an American journalist quarantined in Canada because of covid, please welcome from Michigan, Jean-Fred.

Fred: Merci for having me. My name is actually Fred.

Jean-Lawrence: Go ahead, I said Jean-Fred.

Fred: No. Just Fred.

Jean-Lawrence: Please welcome Jean-Fred Desjardins.

Fred: Okay.

Jean-Lawrence: Let’s begin today’s update. Bar limits has proposed their controversial resolution for guaranteed universal basic income, but is this just an empty welfare promise? Anne-Marie, your update.

[Jean-Lawrence and Anne-Marie speaking in foreign language]

Jean-Lawrence: Jean-Fred, your thoughts?

Fred: Yes, or no. I’m sorry, I don’t speak whatever French this is.

Jean-Lawrence: [speaking in bad accent] Now, this time for our weekly segment with our Toronto correspondent, Awa-Sene. Awa-Sene, bonjour hi.

Awa-Sene: Bonjour hi. I am Awa-Sene and this is Drake Watch.

Jean-Lawrence: Yes. Our favorite part of the show where we find out if you saw Drake.

Anne-Marie: So, Awa, did you see Barack today?

Awa-Sene: No. This has been Drake Watch.

Fred: I’m sorry. That’s it? That’s the whole segment?

Awa-Sene: Oh, well, I thought I saw Drake but it was just my friend Aten. Aten looks a lot like Drake. And I was confused because he was crying in a basketball court.

Anne-Marie: Did you check anywhere else for Drake?

Awa-Sene: Yes. I almost found him this morning when I saw a man in a wheelchair. But then I remember Drake was only in wheelchair for potential [unintelligible]. So, it was not him.

Anne-Marie: Okay. Merci, Awa. Please keep us post if you see Drake.

Awa-Sene: Of course. This has been Drake Watch. [looking around using binoculars] Yoo-hoo. Drake?

Jean-Lawrence: What an exciting segment. Jean-Fred, do you like Drake?

Fred: I don’t know. I mean, he has kind of fallen off recently. .

[Jean-Lawrence starts shouting at Fred]

Anne-Marie: Jean-Host, do not blow your guest, please.

Fred: How is this a news show?

Jean-Lawrence: And now it’s time for the traffic report.

Anne-Marie: Oh! [puts a cigarette in her mouth] Today I was driving to work in my Pugeot [unintelligible] bridge. I took a left on [unintelligible] and then I parked in [unintelligible] parking garage and traffic was bad.

Jean-Lawrence: Great traffic report.

Fred: You can smoke in the studio?

Jean-Lawrence: Oh, here another, we have a breaking news story and we must start right away.

[Cut back to Awa-Sene]

Awa-Sene: Bonjour Hi, I am at the top of the [unintelligible] tower with a dramatic development in the search for Drake.

Anne-Marie: Oh, Drake is there?

Awa-Sene: No, Drake is not here.

Fred: Then why are you there?

Awa-Sene: Oh, as you can see on the cover of his famous album ‘Views’, Drake [unintelligible] in this very location. So, I thought I should check. But [unintelligible]

Fred: And that’s breaking news?

[Jean-Lawrence starts shouting at Fred again]

Awa-Sene: It is okay. I will continue to follow the [unintelligible] of Drake. I am like famous Canadian actress Rachel McAdams in the film “Spotlight.”

Jean-Lawrence: Rachel McAdams, a beautiful girl.

Anne-Marie: Beautiful girl.

[music playing]

Jean-Lawrence: Ah! We are almost out of time. Thank you to Jean-Fred. Please accept our gift of famous Moguel big weird bagels.

Fred: Oh, okay. These are bagels? Why is everything 25% different here?

Anne-Marie: We say it taste better with the big hole.

Jean-Lawrence: Yes, lick the cream out of the big hole. Since I’m young, I eat the big while hole this wya.

Awa-Sene: Jean-Fred, stick your face, go down on the big hole.

[Fred licks the food]

Fred: I regret doing that on camera.

Jean-Lawrence: Well, it is time to say bye to “Bonjour Hi”. We’re set to go but–

[Jean-Lawrence and Anne-Marie walks front]

Jean-Lawrence and Anne-Marie: That’s the way it is.

[singing] Don’t give up on your faith
and that’s the way

Sam Adams

Heidi Gardner

Kevin R. … Alex Moffat

Jonathan E. … Beck Bennett

Sean S. … Bill Burr

Kori A. … Ego Nwodim

Daria C. … Lauren Holt

Son… Mikey Day

[Starts with Heidi serving the beer in glass and speaking.]

Female voice: Sam Adams has brewed signature beers in the heart of Boston since 1984. So who better to try out our Jack-O Pumpkin Boston Ale than real Bostonians?

Kevin R.: You know, it’s got that great Sam Adams taste, but the pumpkin flavor. Really kicks it up a notch.

Jonathan E.: I love Sam October fest, but I think this might even be better.

[Seas S. takes of sip of beer and spits it out.]

Sean S.: Jesus Christ. What the [bleep] is that?

Kori A.: Okay. This is the perfect beer for sweater weather.

Sean S.: Okay, let’s try this for real. [Sean S. drinks a whole glass of beer at once.] I don’t like that.

Daria C.: I’m not a really beer drinker, but this might change that.

Sean S.: This is a kind of beer somebody brings to a party at your house and then just sits in the fridge for like, 8 months. And then one day, your buddy comes your home and he’s like, “Hey, you got a beer?” And I’m like, “Well, you know, I got this pumpkin shit.” So, you drink it. And, you know, gets you a buzz.

[His son is behind him shopping]

Son: Pop, come on!

Sean S.: [yelling] I’m coming!

Son: You’ve been sitting there for half an hour and I have to work.

Sean S.: I’m enjoying myself. You know, you’re just like your mother! [son walks away] Oh, there you go.

Kori A.: You guys should sell this year around. Seriously, it’s so–

[Sean S. walks behind Kori A. interrupting the video.]

Sean S.: Sorry, sorry. Just grabbing one more. [He opens the bottle and spills the beer everywhere.] Oh, watch it. My bad.

Jonathan E.: I can definitely taste the hops.

[Sean S. is shopping his groceries being very loud with his son.]

Sean S.: Hot Tots, Reese’s Puffs? What are you, eight? Go get some stop & shop corn flakes in the Welfare Bag. [his son is staring at him] What’s that look? Are you gonna take a swing at me? Is today the day? Hah? Is this the day that you swing at your old man? Is that what it is? Come on, you a man now? [son walks away] Didn’t think so.

[Son throws a bag of corn flakes at him. They start fighting.]

Female voice: Sam Adams Jack-O Pumpkin Ale, real Bostonians agree.

All: It’s a winner.

Sean S.: You know, it’s kind of sweet and [bleep] but, you know, there’s nothing else to drink. You guys called the cops?

Don Pauly

Joey… Pete Davidson

Don Pauly… Bill Burr

Mikey Day

Vinny… Kyle Mooney

Johnny… Alex Moffat

Nicky… Beck Bennett

Glar … Punkie Johnson

[Starts with a group of mean having a meeting at a restaurant]

Joey: Before we get down to business, how about a welcome home after Don Pauly0 years in the joint for Don Pauly? Salute.

All: [raising their glasses] Salute.

Don Pauly: You know, as I look around this room, I see what used to be the most ruthless, powerful crime family in this city.

Joey: Damn right.

Don Pauly: Shut up! I said used to be. Coz that sure is hell ain’t what it is now. What happened to this gang? We used to own this city. I go away Don Pauly0 years, and all of a sudden now there’s friggin Mexicans controlling the neighborhood?

Mikey: Um, okay.

Don Pauly: What? What? Did I say something wrong?

Mikey: No disrespect, Don Pauly, we all get your point. I just think it’s a little weird that you made it so– I don’t know.

Vinny: Racial.

Mikey: Yes. Thank you. One person.

Don Pauly: [looking confused] What do you mean racial? Vinny, the Diablos control all the drugs in the neighborhood, do they not?

Vinny: Yeah, they do. They do.

Don Pauly: Okay. And the last I checked, the Diablos are friggin Mexicans. Are they not?

Mikey: And he’s doubling down. Great!

Joey: Oh, hoof!

Don Pauly: Joey, you got a problem with what I’m saying here? Hah? We’re losing money over here.

Joey: We understand your point, Don Pauly. But with all due respect, your choice of words to some people may seem a little, I don’t know, outdated.

Don Pauly: My choice of words? Is this a joke? Hah? Is there a hidden video around? Is Jamey Kennedy around here somewhere gonna film me?

Vinny: Jamey Kennedy?

Mikey: Who’s Jamey Kennedy?

Don Pauly: Jamey Kennedy, the king of the pranks. He got the TV show, he pranks people.

Joey: Oh, you mean Aston Kutcher.

Johnny: No, Kutcher was Punk’d.

Don Pauly: Just forget it. Just forget it. Am I losing my freaking mind over here? I mean, Nicky the nose, you tell me if I’m going nuts, right? You’d tell me?

Nicky: Hey, Don Pauly, you know I don’t mean no disrespect to you but I just go by Nicky now.

Don Pauly: What? You’ve been Nicky the nose since we were kids.

Mikey: Yeah. We don’t get people nicknames based on their physical appearances anymore. That’s called shaming.

Nicky: It didn’t feel too great sometimes.

Mikey: See, Don Pauly, your words have… I don’t know.

Vinny: Power.

Mikey: Yes, thank you.

Don Pauly: I can’t believe my friggin ears. I mean, are we still gangsters here? We still in the friggin mob over here?

Joey: Of course, we are, Don Pauly. But all that’s changed in the last Don Pauly0 years.

Don Pauly: No kidding. This gang didn’t use to be filled with a bunch of queers.

All: Oh!

Don Pauly: What did I say? What did I say?

Johnny: Easy, Don Pauly. No disrespect, but as someone who identifies a queer, I take a little exception to that last comment of your’s.

Don Pauly: What?

Johnny: So, if you don’t mind, I think I’m gonna take a mental health day and I’m gonna work from home now.

Joey: Of course, Johnny. God bless.

All: Salute.

Don Pauly: Wow, wow, wow. What the hell was that all about?

Joey: Don Pauly, you gotta understand. Johnny is sensitive.

Don Pauly: Sensitive? He’s a freaking murderer.

Mikey: Ay, they’re a friggin murderer.

Don Pauly: Jesus! I mean, what happened to you people, huh?

Glar: Wow, wow, wow. You people? With all due respect, Don Pauly, what do you mean by ‘you people’?

Don Pauly: No, I didn’t mean it like that. I just meant everybody in general. Wait a minute. Who’s the black chic? hah?

Joey: Um, the woman of color you’re referring to is Glar. She’s a capo.

Don Pauly: Of this gang? How the hell did that happen?

Vinny: We got slammed pretty hard on Twitter for our lack of diversity.

Nicky: Yeah. You remember the #MafiaSoWhite?

Don Pauly: Oh, god, you should be friggin kidding me.

Glar: Look, Don Pauly, representation is very important even in crime. Besides, I’m more capable and dangerous than CIS black white male gangster here.

Don Pauly: Oh, really? Okay. Then shoot Vinny.

Vinny: With all due respect, Don Pauly, that’s not how we– [Glar shoots at Vinny] Ah!

Don Pauly: Wow! Get over here. That’s what I’m talking about. Alright. Let me welcome you officially to the club.

[Don Pauly and Glar walk to each other. Don Pauly leans towards Glar.]

Glar: Hey! Did this guy just try to friggin kiss me?

Nicky: Without consent?

Joey: In a pandemic?

All: Oh!

Don Pauly: What did I say? What did I say?

Superspreader Event

Ashley… Heidi Gardner

Dylan Bertran… Mikey Day

Edith Puthie… Ego Nwodim

Irma Gerd… Lauren Holt

Kevin Joseph… Chris Rock

Doctor… Pete Davidson

Mike Rodick… Beck Bennett

Jeffery B. Epstein… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Action 9 News at Five intro]

Male voice: Action 9 News at Five, Eye on Pittsburgh.

[Cut to Ashley in her set]

Ashley: Our top story, a potential super spreading event has occurred at the Pittsburgh federal building. With more on this, we go to Dylan Bertran at the scene. Dylan, it seems like the story is going really viral (intending pun) ?

Dylan: Um, that’s in very poor taste, Ashley, and I apologize on your behalf. Here’s what we know so far. Health officials are attempting to contact anyone who visited the third floor of the federal building today, home to the legal change of name office after an employee tested positive for COVID-19. I’m joined by two women who were on their way up to the third floor to change their names when it was evacuated. [Two women walk in] Tell us your names and what happened.

Edith Puthie: Edith Puthie.

Dylan: I’m sorry.

Edith Puthie: I said Edith Puthie.

Dylan: I’m flattered ma’am, but no thank you.

Edith Puthie: No. Edith Puthie is my name.

Irma Gerd: Irma Gerd.

Dylan: Oh my god, is right.

Irma Gerd: No, Irma Gerd is my name.

Dylan: Oh, I see. I got it now. Miss Puthie, just curious, what were you planning on changing your name to?

Edith Puthie: Hmm, well I was thinking of any name that’s not Edith Puthie.

Ashley: Dylan, I hate to pull you away from miss Puthie just as you’re getting into it, but I’m told that health department has a statement.

[Cut to Kevin Joseph speaking at a podium. A doctor is standing behind him.]

Kevin Joseph: Good afternoon. I’m Dr. Kevin Joseph, Pittsburg’s contract tracing program. We are still trying to locate the following people who were in the name change office today. Burton Ernie, Alma Holzhert, Ben Lauden, Dee Perdadi.

Doctor: Oh, whatever you say, girl! Sorry, I’m sorry.

Kevin Joseph: We’re also looking for Duncan Dixon-Coffey, Finn Gerbangh, Moe Lestin Jr. Now, I’d like to address the rumor about Tess Tichol, a young woman who visited the name change office today that she lost her sense of taste and smell are false. In fact, the Tess Tichol I examiled smelled and tasted great.

Doctor: It did? Good for you, man. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

Kevin Joseph: Thank you.

[Cut back to Dylan]

Dylan: Alright. We will keep our eyes peeled in case Tess Tichol pops out. No word yet on when the office will reopen leaving many who wanted to change their name frustrated like this man, Mr. Mike Rodick.

Mike Rodick: Ah! It’s Rodick. You stress the ‘Ro’. Rodick. Sorry to be annoying, but it makes a huge difference.

Dylan: Not a problem. Not a problem. Mike Rodick was one of a dozen–

Mike Rodick: Yeah, sorry, yeah. But the longer you pause between Mike and Rodick, the better it is for me. Nothing crazy. Just like, “Mike”, a little pause, “Rodick.”

Dylan: Okay. Maybe it’s easier if I just call you by what your name will be?

Mike Rodick: Sure. I’m going with my mom’s maiden name, Litt. L-I-T-T.

Dylan: Okay. I’m here with Mike Litt.

Mike Rodick: Oh, no. That’s bad too. That’s not my name.

Ashley: Sorry, Dylan, the department of health has an update. Hopefully, you can find Mike Litt later and finish what you started there. But now, let’s go to Dr. Joseph.

[Cut to Kevin Joseph. Jeffery B. Epstein is standing behind him.]

Kevin Joseph: I’d like to thank this man who was turned away from the name change office but stuck around to help us contact trace. Mr. Jeffery Epstein.

Jeffery B. Epstein: Mr. Jeffery B. Epstein.

Kevin Joseph: In my book, Jeffery Epstein is a hero.

Jeffery B. Epstein: You forgot that ‘B’ again. The very important ‘B’.

Kevin Joseph: I’m proud to call Jeffery Epstein a friend.

Jeffery B. Epstein: You gonna wish you didn’t say that.

Kevin Joseph: Thank you.

[Cut back to Dylan]

Dylan: Alright. Well, I think we can all applaud what Jeffery Epstein did. Ashley?

Ashley: Dylan, we’ve got a little more time. Any chance of getting back to Mike Litt?

Dylan: You know, he was right under my nose, but I lost him.

Ashley: Well, you stay down there and keep poking around.

Dylan: I will, but no promises. It’s a real mess down here.

Ashley: Oh, I bet. More on this story as it develops. For Action 9 News, I’m Ashley Spitzer-Swallows.

Stunt Performers

Chase Wexler…Mikey Day

Chip Lazar…Chris Redd

Kelly Huntman…Ego Nwodim

Karan Raniere…Kate McKinnon

Guff Burthardt… Aidy Bryant

Male voice: And now, the Stunt Performers Gill presents and “Epic Virtual Fight.”

[Cut to Chase Wexler in his home]

Chase Wexler: I wish I could be back on set doing kick ass stunts with my friends. [ting] Wait a minute! We can do it from home! [does the karate] Ya! Ya!

[Chase Wexler head-butts on camera. Cut to Chip Lazar got hit by the head-butt.]

Chip Lazar: Argh! No way!

[Chip Lazar kicks on camera. Cut to Kelly Huntman’s bottle falls off her hand by Chip Lazar’s kick.]

Kelly Huntman: Oh, no. Not today!

[Kelly Huntman gets a wooden sword and hits on camera. Cut to Karan Raniere got hit by the sword.]

Karan Raniere: Oh! [Karan Raniere falls off the stairs] You rotten kids!

[Karan Raniere takes off her shoe and throws it at the camera. Cut to the shoe hitting on Guff Burthardt’s butt. Her pants get torn.]

Guff Burthardt: Oh! My ass!

[Cut to the stunt performers]

Chase Wexler: Hi, we are stunt performers of America.

Chip Lazar: Just like you, we can’t wait to get back to work.

Kelly Huntman: We wanna be doing epic car chases.

Chase Wexler: Sick knife fights.

Chip Lazar: Karate and motorcycle jumps.

Karan Raniere: And our expertise is mostly falling down and getting hit in the crotch by kids.

Guff Burthardt: Yeah. We stunt double for villains and children’s comedy. So, I typically play the fat authoritative woman who people like to see get hurt real bad.

Karan Raniere: I’m usually getting tossed. You ever see a body going – [gesturing as if body’s flying] “Ah!” through the air and kids are cheering, that’s probably me.

Chase Wexler: We love what we do.

Kelly Huntman: And there’s all different kinds of stunts.

Chip Lazar: Nothing makes me happier than jumping through fire.

Kelly Huntman: Or leaping off a helicoptor.

Karan Raniere: Or getting kicked into a dumbster by a cow for the purposes of children’s comedy.

Guff Burthardt: Yeah. It’s been six months since I’ve been able to use my number one skill which is of course farting from being hit in the head.

Karan Raniere: And we’re from the old school. We’re not faking those farts.

Guff Burthardt: Yeah. No. I mean it helps the kids understand that we’re not actually being hurt. We are just being hit so hard that farts are coming out.

Chip Lazar: You might not know us but we help make some of your favorite movies. I drove the Maserati in “Furious 7”.

Kelly Huntman: I was an Amazon warrior in “Wonder Woman”.

Guff Burthardt: And I played ugly shher  in “Cool Kid Library”. And also, evil lunch lady in Camp Bitch”.

Karan Raniere: And I was the star of “Nurse Wedgie”. In this one part, the– [laughing] the kids switched my hat for an octopus and then I stumbled face first into a toilet. Which was hard, coz then we had to go and shoot the scene.

[The stunt performs are working out]

Kelly Huntman: Gotta stay strong.

Chip Lazar: Gotta stay in shape.

[Karan Raniere and Guff Burthardt are slapping each other’s butts]

Guff Burthardt: Yeah. Don’t wanna lose our ass calluses.  One, two, three.

Karan Raniere: These stunts hurt. I’ve been bit in the vagina by a dog more times than I can count.

Guff Burthardt: Yeah. You know, and the dogs don’t understand that it’s pretend. So, if you want them to let go, you gotta cut their heads off.

Chase Wexler: So, everybody, please, wear your mask, stay home and hang in there, so we can do more of this.

[Chase Wexler picks up an orange and throws it at the camera. Cut to Kelly Huntman catching the orange Chase Wexler just threw. Kelly Huntman then punches at the camera. Cut to Chip Lazar getting punched. Chip Lazar then kicks at camera. Cut to Guff Burthardt’s ass getting kicked.]

Guff Burthardt: Oh! You teems! [farts]

[Cut to the dogs.]

[Cut to Karan Raniere pretending to be bit by a stuffed animal dog.]

Karan Raniere: Oh!

Guff Burthardt: You dirty kids. Not my library, teens!

Male voice: The Stunt Performers Association of America. For more info on our cool or shameful stunts, call today.