SNL Tonight

Big Boys

Keke: Winter has arrived, y’all.

Ego: Temperature’s droppin’.

Cecily: And you know what that means.

Punkie: It’s coughing season.

Cecily: That time of year when we find a man to keep us warm through these cold months.

Ego: But not just any man will do.

Cecily: That’s right. We out here lookin’ for some big boys.

SZA: [singing] It’s cuffin’ season
And now we’ve got a reason
To get a big boy, I need a big boy
Give me a big boy (Big, b-big, b-big, big boy)
It’s cuffin’ season
And all the girls are leavin’
To get a big boy (Big boy), I need a big boy (Big boy)
I want a big boy

Keke: I need a big boy w-wit’ polar bear arms
Keeps me warm in a winter snowstorm
Wind chill is bitin’ but his jacket’s unzipped
He bring in my groceries in just one trip

Ego: Till the sun comes back, I need a big boy hottie
Makes his own heat with his big boy body
For the next three months, skinny boys is dead
Forget a six-pack, I need the whole damn keg

Punkie: Big boy w-with a big ole back
A California king, refrigerator stacked
With steaks on steaks on steaks on steaks on steaks
Bu-bu-butter, bacon, cheese, and lasagna in the tray

Cecily: Need an enormous man with an enormous stand
Feeds me snacks with his enormous hands
And I hope he asks me to be his winter-wife
‘Cause messin’ with a big boy will change your life

SZA: It’s cuffin’ season
And all the girls be needin’
I need a big boy, I want a big boy
Give me a big boy

Ego: I need a big boy body, like a bouncer
Big mouth-breather and legs like a monster
Get in the bed and he gonna do me right
And when we all done he gonna snore all night
And then he stops
Did this man just die?

Keke: Anything I need, my big boy got it
If I need a snack, he got Snickers in his pocket

Cecily: Big warm hoodie, yeah, you know I’m gonna rock it
And if we gon’ travel, you know he gon’ put me in first-class
’cause he don’t fit in the back

Punkie: Hey, big boys (Ah, ah)
Go big boys (Ah, ah)
Hey, big boys (Ah, ah)
I like ’em big boys (Ah, ah)
Keke: Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, Punkie, I thought you only liked girls.

Punkie: I love girls, but they can’t keep me warm. I wanna be the little-spoon sometimes. It’s like this.

I been mannin’ up the whole year
Taking care of kids and wife
I mow the lawn, take out the trash
You don’t think that I be tired?
All I do is work and stress and I could use a big boy so I could just relax
He need to have them love-handles in the front and in the back
And, yes, I want ’em three layers like McDonald’s BigMacs
But if we talkin’ girls, yo, I like my women big and it don’t matter what the season
Like ’em thick all year, yeah, yeah

SZA: It’s cuffin’ season
And now we got a reason
To get a big boy, I want a big boy
Give me a big, big, big boy

Kenan: We out here, ladies. We the reason for the season. These bears don’t hibernate in the winter. You know where to find us. We’ll be shovelin’ snow in shorts.

Women: Big, b-big, b-big boys.

Arby’s

[Starts with a commercial]

Male voice: It’s back. The Arby’s 5 for 10. That’s right. You get five Arby’s roast beef sandwiches for only $10. That’s five stacked juicy roast beef sandwiches for just 10 bucks. What do you have to say about that?

Cecily: I guess all I have to say is how?

Bowen: Yeah, that just seems like a lot of roast beef sandwiches for $10.

Male voice: It’s five heaping piles of tender roast beef for only 10 measly dollars. Can you even believe it?

Keke: Honestly, no.

Mikey: We’re struggling to understand the physics of how this much roast beef is $10.

Keke: Because isn’t one roast beef sandwich normally at least $5?

Male voice: Ha-ha-ha. A bet you never thought $10 to get you five mountains of roast beef.

Cecily: That’s exactly what we’re saying. We don’t think it’s possible.

Bowen: I just Googled roast beef prices at the grocery store and it sells for $11 a pound. But you’re saying…

Male voice: We’re giving you pound after pound of roast beef for just $10.

Keke: Yes. See, that’s what’s throwing us off, because it roast beef is $11 a pound. I mean, I know bread super cheap, but it’s not negative dollars.

Mikey: Arby’s is a for profit business, right? Like your goal is to make money? Because I couldn’t make five roast beef sandwiches at home for $10.

Keke: I don’t think I could make five roast beef sandwiches for less than $30.

Mikey: So I guess we’re wondering Where are you getting all this roast beef?

Male voice: Arby’s we have the meats!

Keke: No, no, no, no. That don’t answer the question. We know you have the meats. But where are you getting the meats?

Mikey: Also what kind of meats?

Male voice: And over at Taco Bell, don’t miss the new $5 box.

Mikey: Wait what?

Male voice: You get a chalupa supreme, a beefy five layer burrito, cinnamon twists, nacho cheese and chips and the 20 ounce soda for only $5.

Cecily: Oh my God. Is that real?

Male voice: Look it up. It’s the $5 box, only at Taco Bell?

Bowen: Okay, I don’t like that you change the subject to Taco Bell. But now I’m worried about this $5 box too.

Keke: You get multiple burritos, and cinnamon twists, and chips and nacho cheese and giant soda for $5?

Mikey: How can that physically happen? I mean each full burrito is like 70 cents.

Male voice: So Arby’s is looking pretty good by comparison, right?

Cecily: No. This all sounds horrible. Yeah, I thought the four for four menu at Wendy’s was insane.

[Kenan jumps out]

Kenan: Oh, what’s that?

Cecily: That’s a full cheeseburger and order of chicken tenders, fries and a soda for $4.

Kenan: Sounds suspicious.

Bowen: Hold on. Ving Rames? You do the voiceover in the store?

Kenan: That’s right. I’m physically present at every Arby’s location. Arby’s, we have the rains.

Cecily: Sir, and you think the Wendy’s deal sounds suspicious?

Bowen: You’re the ones offering five giant…

Kenan: Towers.

Bowen: Of roast beef for $10.

Mikey: How many sandwiches do you get from one cow?

Kenan: Oh, I don’t know. A million.

Keke: We’d honestly rather to pay more and get less roast beef. Then we would be so worried about where it’s coming from.

Kenan: Okay, so how much? How much?

Bowen: I don’t know. I guess to roast beef sandwiches for $12?

Cecily: I think three for 15.

Bowen: You’re gonna eat three roast beef sandwiches?

Cecily: Hey! [slaps Bowen] Do not shame me. Not in my debut Arby’s commercial.

Male voice: Arby’s new three for 15. You’ll pay a little more, but at least you’ll understand how it could physically be possible.

Weekend Update- Woman Wins Back-to-Back Lottos, Child Arrested for Touching Teacher

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Cleopatra at right top corner.]

Michael Che:  Archaeologists in Egypt have discovered a tunnel that they think leads to the long lost tomb of Cleopatra. Cleopatra’s, of course, the enchanting queen who seduced both Mark Antony and Julius Caesar, I assume because she’s really funny or something? I don’t know.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Woman wins $400K in back to back lottos” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A woman in Delaware won $400,000 after hitting back to back lottos in the same day. But the woman says she’s still going to keep her day job, forging lottery tickets.

The US Air Force is denying that its pilots intentionally flew a flight path that created a giant penis pointed at Russia. Even worse, they then fired missiles.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a news article that says “White student assaults two black students” at right top corner.]

Michael Che:  A white student at the University of Kentucky was arrested after she was caught on video using a racial slur and assaulting two Black students. She has been charged with one count of impersonating a police officer.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a news article that says “10 year old arrested for touching teacher’s breast” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A 10 year old boy in Florida faces misdemeanor battery charges after he allegedly touched a teacher’s breast. Because, under Florida law, students are required to wait for their teacher to make the first move.

 

Weekend Update- Sarah Sherman Debuts Sarah News

Colin Jost

Sarah Sherman

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, guys, we’re six shows into the new season. Here to discuss a personal gripe with me is our very own Sarah Sherman.

[Sarah Sherman slides in]

[Cheers and applause]

Sarah Sherman: Colin, I’ve got a bone to pick with you.

Colin Jost: Oh, God, what did I do now?

Sarah Sherman: None of these jokes are about me. It was all midterms this, Trump that, but what about Sarah?

Colin Jost: We can’t do jokes about you, Sarah.

Sarah Sherman: But I can, and I’m gonna do them all here right now.

[music playing]

[new Weekend Update goofy intro of “Sarah News” playing]

Colin Jost: You brought your own set?

Sarah Sherman: Of course I did, ’cause yours looks ugly. I’m Sarah, and this is the “Sarah News.” A tunnel below Niagara Falls recently opened to the public for the first time in over a century. A musty, old tunnel letting people back in after years of disuse? “I can only hope,” said my boyfriend. That’s right, America. I have a boyfriend. Don’t let the queer haircut fool you, honey. I’m as straight as Michael Che’s “Update’ persona.”

[Michael Che is confused]

Earlier this week, Elon Musk suspended Twitter’s paid verification system. Well, I guess the only checkmark next to my name will be the one on Kanye’s list of Jews to keep an eye on.

Colin Jost: Okay, alright. Alright, I think that’s enough jokes about Sarah.

Sarah Sherman: Bro, I’m only gonna say this once. Stop touching my leg under the table. [they’re sitting too far for that, and Colin’s hands are visible on the camera]

Colin Jost: I’m not doing that.

Sarah Sherman: It’s time for world news. [pulls out a globe, spins it and points on it randomly] Today, I’ll be doing a story on… Whoa! Pennsylvania!

Colin Jost: You pointed to the middle of the ocean.

Sarah Sherman: Okay, what are you, a geographer? Relax, bro. In Pennsylvania news, senator elect and big, gorgeous monster John Fetterman has received criticism for his casual dress. And I agree. Those cargo shorts and hoodies don’t belong on the Senate floor. They belong crumpled up on my bedroom floor. Hachi machi. Thanksgiving must’ve come early this year because that hunk is giving the turkey wattle between my legs something to be thankful for.

Colin Jost: Oh, my God. That is disgusting.

Sarah Sherman: Somebody’s jealous. Speaking of disgusting, I recently had an allergic reaction that made my face look like this. But on the bright side, now I have a picture to show the HR lady when she asks, “What did Colin ever do to you?”

Colin Jost: Sarah, that is horrible. Alright, we have to end this.

Sarah Sherman: Why? So you can get back to, like, whatever this crap is? [pointing at Colin’s notes]

Colin Jost: Wait, what?

Sarah Sherman: Hey, guys, by the way, these aren’t notes. They’re just Colin’s little drawings of me. [Pulls Colin’s paper and shows it to the audience. It has a rough drawing of a woman in bikini]

Colin Jost: You planted that. Sarah Sherman, everyone. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Good night.

Weekend Update- Jose Suarez on His Goal to Be the First Latino-American President

Colin Jost

Jose Suarez… Marcello Hernandez

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Exit polls from this year’s midterms show that Latinos were a larger share of the electorate than ever before. Here to tell us why he was inspired to one day run for President is Jose Suarez.

[Cheers and applause]

Jose Suarez: Thank you. Buenos noches, Colin. Thank you very much. Thank you very much.

Colin Jost: Welcome, Jose. So do you think of yourself as a Republican or a Democrat?

Jose Suarez: I’m, uh, just happy to be here, Colin. Everybody complaining all the time about everything. Guess what? It’s fine. Everything is basically fine. And that’s going to be my campaign slogan. “Jose Suarez – everything is basically fine. So relax, okay? It’s fine.”

Colin Jost: Wow, well, that is a refreshing outlook.

Jose Suarez: Yes, exactly, Colin. What do people complain about anyway? “My gas is too expensive.” News flash ever heard of legs? My mother walked almost 100 miles to work every day, and her left leg didn’t work. She had to pull it.

Colin Jost: That doesn’t make any sense.

Jose Suarez: And inflation, Colin. Everybody complain inflation is so bad. The price of milk is too high. How about just don’t drink milk? Who’s even complaining about the price of milk? The babies? Do you drink milk, Colin?

Colin Jost: I mean, maybe just a warm glass before bed.

[Jose Suarez makes his disgusted face]

Jose Suarez: And the WiFi, Colin. Everybody complain, “Ooh, the WiFi, it’s too slow. The WiFi. My poor, little WiFi.”

Colin Jost: I don’t think that’s a major complaint.

Jose Suarez: Growing up in Cuba, Colin, there was no WiFi. It was only “Why (Wi of Wi-Fi).” “W is it so hot?” “Why did the power go out?” “Why is the president taking all our stuff?” Colin, if you want something in America, you press a button on your phone and Jeff Bezos send it to your house. What are we complaining about?

Colin Jost: Can we go back a second? You were born in Cuba? Well, then, you can’t run for president, right?

Jose Suarez: I don’t think anybody really gonna care about that, Colin.

Colin Jost: I’m pretty sure they are, but let’s just talk about some of your positions. Like, what are your thoughts on Roe v. Wade?

Jose Suarez: Well, I say Roe (row) if you can, but if you don’t have a boat, you’re gonna have to wait (Wade). I’m just kidding, Colin. I’m just kidding. All I know is, if I am the president, every mother gonna get one chancleta.

Colin Jost: And what is a chancleta, Jose?

Jose Suarez: [mocking] “And what is a chancleta, Jose?” It’s a sandal, Colin.

Colin Jost: And what is a mother going to do with one sandal?

Jose Suarez: You never know. That’s the scary part. Sometimes they don’t even have to use it. They just show it, send a message, and then put it away. “What did you say to me? That’s what I thought.”

Colin Jost: Alright. Chancleta. I will remember that. My one year old has been acting up. So, Jose, what is your final message to the American people?

Jose Suarez: That we should all be grateful, Colin. This is a great country and I think we need to remember how lucky we really are.

Colin Jost: That’s true. Although, it does seem like you’re kind of ignoring some pretty real problems in the country.

Jose Suarez: [showing his sandal] What did you say to me, Colin?

Colin Jost: [laughing] No, nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

Jose Suarez: That’s what I thought.

Colin Jost: Jose Suarez, everyone.

Jose Suarez: Vote Jose! God bless Miami.

Weekend Update- Democrats Win Senate in 2022 Midterms, Rupert Murdoch Turns on Trump

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

 Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

 Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

 Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of

[Cheers and applause]

[There’s a picture of a newspaper article that says “Democrats Retain Power in Senate” at left top corner.]

Well, everyone, Democrats have retained control of the Senate. [Cheers and applause] I don’t know if that’s really official, but we’re not a real news program, so I’m just gonna call it. I was actually surprised they won given President Biden’s low approval ratings. I guess Biden’s kind of like the “Jurassic World” movies, extremely successful despite a 4Michael Che% rating. [Laughter]

[Picture changes to Tucker Carlson]

Republicans, by the way, are not taking it well. Tucker Carlson, seen here struggling to make it through No Nut November, he criticized the voting— You guys are all doing it, too? Okay. Criticized the voting process and called electronic voting machines a threat to democracy. I’m actually not that worried about the voting machines. I’m worried that they’re being operated by the oldest people I’ve ever seen. Truly, this year, the woman who gave me my ballot was wearing two stickers, one that said, “I voted,” and another that said, “I survived the Titanic.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Raphael Warnock and Herschel Walker at right top corner.]

 Michael Che: The key Senate race in Georgia between Raphael Warnock and Herschel Walker will move on to a runoff in December. But Walker has offered Warnock $500 to just, you know, take care of it, baby.

[Picture changes to an article that says “Black voters frustrated they must save the senate again”]

Many Black voters in Georgia were frustrated with another runoff election because the burden of saving the Senate fell on them once again. It’s happened so often, there’s already a movie about it.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Hershel Walker at left top corner.]

 Colin Jost: In a speech yesterday, Herschel Walker called America “The greatest country in the United States.” But, on the plus side, at least he has a general idea of where he is. Walker then apologized for misspeaking saying, “I know I’m not always the sharpest tool in the refrigerator.”

[Picture changes to Mark Kelly and Blake Masters]

Senator Mark Kelly defeated challenger Blake Masters in the Arizona Senate race. Masters can now return to his true passion of… I’m gonna guess strangling hitchhikers?

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at right top corner.]

 Michael Che: President Biden said that he plans to run again in 2024 but won’t make a final decision until early next year. Because it’s like his doctor told him, “I wouldn’t plan too far ahead.”

After this year’s election,a record setting 12 states will have female governors while the other 38 states will have dinner ready on time. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a news article that says “25 year old elected to congress” at left top corner.]

 Colin Jost: A 25 year old from Florida will become the first Gen Z member of Congress. “Younger,” said Matt Gaetz.

[Picture changes to Rupert Murdoch and Donald Trump]

Rupert Murdoch, this week officially turned on Donald Trump. First, the “New York Post” ran a cover calling Ron DeSantis Ron DeFuture, even though Rhonda Future sounds more like a drag queen from outer space. Then on Thursday, the “Post” showed Donald Trump as an egg sitting on a wall with the headline, “Trumpty Dumpty,”which had to be the easiest Photoshop job in history. And now Trump is threatening to reveal unflattering information about Ron DeSantis. For example, did you know Ron DeSantis is in charge of the state where some maniac was hiding stolen nuclear secrets?

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Covid leads to iPhone production delay at right top corner.]

 Michael Che: Apple is saying that COVID in China has led to a slowdown in iPhone production. Wow. So I guess the new variant does affect children.

I love this crowd.

 Colin Jost: Nearly half a billion dollars was spent in California on campaigns aimed at legalizing sports gambling online but failed by a wide margin. Said supporters of the bill, “Okay, double or nothing.”

Potato Hole

Willie T. Hawkins… Dave Chappelle

Deborah… Heidi Gardner

Josh… Andrew Dismukes

Gail… Chloe Fineman

Skip Dudley… Michael Longfellow

[starts with show intro]

[Cut to show set]

Heidi: Welcome back ‘PM In the Afternoon’. Coming up later, chef Cindy is going to show us how to make the perfect turducken.

Andrew: Oh, and once again we are honored to be joined by legendary blues musician Willie T. Hawkins. He’s been sitting in all morning playing some tasty licks off his new album “My potato hole”. Interesting title.

Heidi: I’m sorry, Willie T., I almost don’t want to ask, but what on earth is a potato hole?

Kenan: Don’t worry about it.

Andrew: Well, no, I’m curious. What is it? Do I have a potato hole? Can I touch my wife’s potato hole?

Heidi: Can we even say potato hole on TV? What is a potato hole?

Kenan: I’d rather not say.

Heidi: Hey, Willie T., a closed book. Okay, let’s turn it over to Gail with the weather. How’s our weekend looking?

Chloe: Well, we’ve got some storm clouds moving in. So if you’re going out you’re gonna want to bring an umbrella, especially if you don’t want to get rained inside your potato hole. I’m sorry, it’s just so fun to say potato hole. Potato hole. Potato hole.

Andrew: Okay. If you’re just joining us, folks, we are absolutely tickled by Willie T. Hawkin’s new album ‘My potato hole”. Hey, speaking of tickled what would happen if I took on my wife’s potato hole?

Heidi: Josh, your mind?

Andrew: I know.

Heidi: I wouldn’t want to be in there for five seconds.

Andrew: But could you be in a potato hole for five seconds? I mean, what is it?

Heidi: The internal question what is a potato hole? The world may never know. Now let’s toss things over to Skip Dudley with sports.

Michael: Thanks Deborah. The PGA Tour is in full swing, pun, with Rory McIlroy sinking an unbelievable hole in one. And know, it got me thinking, could you hit a potato hole in one?

Andrew: Skip, you goo.

Heidi: I knew it was going there.

Michael: Potato hole.

Andrew: All right, now, before we go to break, Willie T., you gotta tell us. We got to know what is a Potato Potato?

Heidi: What’s a potato hole?

Andrew: Spill the tea.

Heidi: What’s the potato hole?

Andrew: For the love of God, man, tell us what about potato hole is.

Kenan: A potato holes a hole that slaves would dig to hide their food possessions from plantation owners. The little these slaves had, they would  in their potato hole. Even though they knew that if their masters found these potato holes, they’d be whipped, beaten, torn limb from limb. Potato was their last vestige of humanity. And over time, it came to symbolize resilience. Black Life in the face of white oppression. That’s what a potato hole is, bitch.

Andrew: Uh-huh. I did not see that as what it could be. Could have told us sooner. But yes, no, I think we are all sorry.

Heidi: Willie T., want to play us out with a tasty lick?

Kenan: I do not.

Heidi: Didn’t think you would. We’ll be right back.

House of the Dragon

Silky/ARhaenan… Dave Chappelle

Rhaenyra … Chloe Fineman

Daemon… Michael Longfellow

Guard… Mikey Day

Corlys Velaryon… Kenan Thompson

Baela… Punkie Johnson

Rhaena… Ego Nwodim

King… James Austin Johnson

[Starts with Dave Chappelle on SNL stage]

Dave Chappelle: Anyone out here watching this new show ‘House of Dragons’? I am the biggest Game of Thrones fan. I love the new show. And I gotta tell yo,u I love that they’re including black characters. But to be honest, the black characters— They take me out of it a little bit with the— It’s that blonde hair and the old time accents. It’s a little jarring. Like, where are these people from? You know what I mean? And then they’re coming out with season two, I guess soon. And somehow Lorn Daemons arranged a sneak peek of season two of House of Dragons exclusive. so check it out.

[cheers and applause]

[cut to sneak peek of season two of House of Dragons]

Rhaenyra: Before we go to war with King’s Landing, we must know who our true allies are.

Daemon: These represent all of our possible alliances, Your Grace.

Rhaenyra: Thank you, Daemon.

Daemon: And I prepared this family tree so we know who the hell everyone is.

Rhaenyra: Yes, because our names are insane and sound identical.

Daemon: I’ve also prepared a chart of who’s having sex with whom. And weirdly enough, it’s the same as a family tree.

Guard: You are the visitor Your Grace. Lord of the tides, the sea snake himself, Corlys Velaryon.

Rhaenyra: Lord Corlys, this is a most welcome surprise. Where have you come from?

Corlys: The Matrix. Just kidding.

Daemon: You must have been at sea a long time then.

Corlys: Oh, of course. This is where my people are most comfortable. The ocean. Yeah, we especially love being on ships. Never have any concerns with ships or what might happen to us on ships.

Rhaenyra: Have you come alone?

Corlys: Oh no, no, I brought my granddaughters Baela and Rhaena.

Baela: Greetings, Your Grace.

Rhaena: So happy to have traveled 40 days by ship in this ballgown, Your Grace.

Daemon: It’s wonderful to see you. Since you are betrothed to my nephews/stepsons, Jason and Luke.

Baela: Yeah, I look at my future husband and I think he is definitely going to satisfy me sexually.

Rhaenyra: And to what do we owe the honor of your visit lord Corlys?

Corlys: Yeah, well, you know, I know that you are in need of allies now that your father has died.

King: Died? [he’s walking as his face is bleeding]

Corlys: Oh my god, man, what has happening with your face?

King: The doctor says it’s nothing. Just a little cough and my skin melted and my eye fell.

Corlys: Well, I found you some new allies from even further away lands that have come to pay their respects to the true queen.

Dave: [walking in] Well, well, well. Good to see you, Your Grace. Cousin Daemon, well, haven’t ever seen in long time. How does it feel to have sex with your niece? Yuck.

Dave’s wife: This whole family is like the sun took a look and said, “No, thank you.”

Dave: Your Majesty looks like you got a case of the monkey pox. You’re gonna die any minute, ain’t you?

King: Yeah, yeah.

Dave: Well, if it isn’t our cousin, light-skinned Larry Targaryen.

Larry: [Chuckles] Silky, your hoes are so old, their titties give powdered milk.

Dave: You look like E.T. when they dressed him up for Halloween.

Larry: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! All that was hateful, man.

Dave: Your Jheri curls are getting a little dry.

Dave’s wife: That’s that dragon spray.

Guard: More visitors approach.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Dave: Pardon me, Your Grace, but I think your penis just fell off. If you don’t want it anymore, can I keep it? Might be able to get some money for that.

Rhaenyra: Who is this foul man?

Dave: I came here for some dragon rocks. I’m down to my last one.

Guard: What the hell is going on here?

Dave: You mind if I, um, get a light? [He’s asking fire to light his cigarette. He raises his hand holding a cigarette. The dragons comes behind him.] Dracarys. [The dragon breathes the fire and he lights his cigarette]

Rhaenyra: Be gone, all of you.

Corlys: Oh, no, there’s more.

Dave: I’m one of the baddest mother Westeros has ever seen. One of the best singers and one of the best dancers, too. I’m ARhaenan Targaryen, bitch, rider of dragons. I heard you like to ride lizards. Want to ride mine, Your freaking Majesty?

[There are dragons flying in the sky. There are Targarians riding the dragon. They have seats in shape of motorcycles on the dragon’s back.]

Tar: Take me to Flea Bottom so I can check on my hoes.

Dave: What up, Tar? I got a dragon now.

Dave: No, dragon.

[While they’re riding dragons, there’s red siren lights flashing]

Dave: Good God, it’s the police. What are they doing all the way up here? No matter how high I fly, they always find you, don’t they?

Heaven Scene

[Starts with Dave Chappelle on SNL stage]

Dave Chappelle: Hey, folks, it’s me, Dave, and I’m here to remind all the kids watching that smoking is not cool. Smokers are. Anyway, I wanted to give you guys a heads up that I’m not gonna be in this next sketch ’cause I’m getting a little older and I need a little rest. But the sketch is really fun, and I wanted you guys to see it. So I asked a cast member to do my part, and ’cause the show is a team sport, my man stepped up. So I hope you enjoy this.

[Angelic music playing]

[Devon is walking in heaven]

Devon: Hello? Whoa, what is this place? Am I dead?

Kenan; Indeed you are, young man.

Devon: [Exhales sharply] So this is heaven?

Ego: In a sense.

Devon: What does that mean? Where am I?

[Mikey walks in. He’s white, wearing while suit and a hat with leopard fur jacket. He’s replacing Dave Chappelle in this sketch.]

Mikey: You in Black heaven, biatch.

[Intro of “Black Heaven” playing]

Devon: Whoa, so there’s a different heaven for Black people?

Mikey: Yeah, young’un. Where you think you is?

Devon: Wait, so everybody up in here is Black?

Ego: That’s right. A whole afterlife of beautiful, Black kings and queens.

Mikey: Thought e’ry now and then, some…I can’t say that line.

Kenan: Come on, man. Just say it.

Mikey: E’ry now and then, some white, chicken head hoes cluck their way through the gate looking for some chocolate sauce.

Kenan: And we happy to oblige. [chuckle] Ain’t that right? Sorry.

Devon: Damn, I think I’m gonna like it here, fam.

Ego: ‘Course you will. This is Black heaven, where your Jordans never have a crease.

Kenan: Where your wave’s always 360.

Mikey: I shouldn’t be doing this sketch. Dave’s not even resting. He’s right there.

[Dave is looking at Mikey Day laughing]

Dave Chappelle: You’re killing it, Mikey. Keep going.

Ego: Anyway, king, in Black heaven, all the women are baddies, as I know you can see.

Mikey: Preach. Every shawty, every shawty up here got one of them TSA booties.

Kenan: Yeah, around here, the asses go up to the top of the pants.

Ego: Oh, and the food is on point.

Devon: There’s food in Black heaven?

Mikey: Of course, blood. And auntie always hold you a plate.

Punkie: Auntie sure does, and in here, the mac and cheese look like this.

Devon: Mm, no disrespect, but I never been a big fan of mac and cheese.

Punkie: Excuse me? I know you’re not talking about my mac and cheese.

Kenan: Uh oh. Titi about to throw hands.

Mikey: Whoa. WorldStar.

Dave Chappelle: [laughing hard] He said “WorldStar.” Let’s go, let’s go. Let’s go.

Punkie: Oh, but you got to trust me, baby, ’cause you gonna love this mac and cheese. On God.

Mikey: And I assume you like Henny. [walks close to Ego]

Ego: Mikey, what are you doing?

Mikey: It says “gesture to Henny.” Isn’t your character Henny?

Ego: Henny is Hennessy, man. It’s right here. [pulls up a bottle of Hennessy]

Kenan: Man, you was on “Wild ‘n Out” Season 1. You ain’t absorbed nothing?

Mikey: I don’t know! I shouldn’t be doing this! I think Dave is just messing with me. He got all his friends with him now. Look.

[Dave is laughing hard at Mikey with his friends]

Dave Chappelle: Keep going. Keep going. Keep going. Go, go, go.

Kenan: Come on, Mikey Man. You a pro.

Mikey: Alright. Anyway, cuzo, you a real one. Now bring it in and get some love, my nnn- No, I’m not saying that! I’m not.

Ego: You’re smart. Smart.

Kenan: Good call. That’s a good call.

Mikey: Anyway…

All: Welcome to Black heaven.

Dave Chappelle: And there you have it. That was so much fun, I forgot to take my rest, so I think I’m gonna sit the next sketch out, but don’t you worry. My man can fill in for me.

Mikey: What?

Dave Chappelle: Oh, you’re gonna love this one. It’s a really deep sketch about the horrors and atrocities on the Underground Railroad, Mikey.

Mikey: No, I cannot do that.

Dave Chappelle: Oh, yes, you can. Stick around, everybody. Let’s go.

Mikey: I cannot. I won’t. I won’t.

Fox & Friends Cold Open

Steve Doocy… Mikey Day

Brian Kilmeade… Bowen Yang

Ainsley Earhardt… Heidi Gardner

Kari Lake… Cecily Strong

Donald Trump… James Austin Johnson

[Starts with show intro]

Female voice: You’re watching Fox and Friends.

[Cut to the show set]

Steve Doocy: Good morning. Welcome to Fox and Friends. I’m Steve Doocy here with the lovely Brian Kilmeade and Ainsley Earhardt.

Ainsley Earhardt: Hey, everybody, happy early Thanksgiving and Wakanda forever.

Brian Kilmeade: I don’t think we’re allowed to say that.

Ainsley Earhardt: Everybody chill.

Steve Doocy: Well, what a terrible week for the GOP. The Dems are retaining control of the Senate. So what the heck happened to that red wave that people were talking about?

Brian Kilmeade: Yeah, who was promising that because couldn’t have been us every day?

Ainsley Earhardt: Well, thankfully, there’s no way to check, but it definitely didn’t happen. And according to everybody, only one man was to blame. Look at these headlines, Trumpty Dumpty and Trumpster Fire. Ouch.

Steve Doocy: And look at this op ed. Mr. DeSantis. Will you be my new daddy?

Ainsley Earhardt: Now, who wrote that?

Steve Doocy: Eric Trump.

Ainsley Earhardt: Wow, seems like everybody’s turning on Trump.

Brian Kilmeade: Yeah. And per company wide email we’ve got this morning, he’s dead to us.

Steve Doocy: Now, nearly every candidate Trump backed lost this week, except for one who’s still hanging on by a thread. And she’s here with us today. Please welcome Kari Lake.

Kari Lake: Hello there. Hi. And greetings from Arizona where the average age and temperature is 95.

Brian Kilmeade: Hi, Carrie, and thanks for being here during what’s what must be a very stressful time for your campaign.

Kari Lake: Hey, my campaign isn’t dead yet. Even though my camera filter makes it look like I’m in heaven.

Ainsley Earhardt: Now, Kari, it seemed like this was a race you’d easily when you have it’s been a real nail biter. You and your opponent are currently neck and neck.

Kari Lake: That is because the Maricopa county officials are incompetent. And it’s my belief that the election is rigged and the results should be thrown out.

Brian Kilmeade: Oh, it sounds like some new numbers are coming in which has you taking a narrow lead over Katie Hobbs.

Kari Lake: Chich is why I have always said this is a democracy. Trust the system. Trust the voters.

Brian Kilmeade: Sorry, I spoke too soon, another batch of votes just came in and you are now losing again.

Kari Lake: Because our system is broken. And it always has been.

Brian Kilmeade: Well, I’m sorry, I misread that. You’re actually back in the lead.

Kari Lake: But thankfully now it’s fixed. Look, I am 100% confident I’m going to win this election. And I won’t stop fighting until every vote is counted and then some votes are taken away. Because who the Arizonans want leading them? Katie Hobbs who’s hiding in a basement or me, Kari Lake who lives right here in this beautiful pool of Vaseline and who’s out there every single day at CVS asking black customers if they work here.

Steve Doocy: Well, we are rooting for you, Kari. We know the votes will go your way.

Kari Lake: Well, if they don’t, I’ll burn Arizona to the ground.

Steve Doocy: Wow. Well, she was nice.

Ainsley Earhardt: I hope the Trump effect doesn’t mess with her campaign.

Brian Kilmeade: You think he still watches our show?

Steve Doocy: Well, he’s at his daughter’s wedding this weekend. So at least we know he won’t call in.

[phone ringing]

Donald Trump: Hello, it’s your favorite president.

Brian Kilmeade: New phone, who this?

Ainsley Earhardt: He’s just kidding. Hi, Donald. Congratulations on Tiffany’s wedding.

Donald Trump: Who? Oh, oh, yeah. It’s okay. They’re just doing the vows.

Steve Doocy: Great. Well, we were just talking about you. There was that New York Post headline that culture Trumpty Dumpty and said you had a great fall.

Donald Trump: Well, I agree. I had a great fall. I had a great summer as well. And you know, many people are saying I’ll have a great winter. But I’m having a great fall. Okay, the leaves are turning red. It’s a red wave in terms of tree and with regard to leaf.

Ainsley Earhardt: We heard that you’re blaming, that you’re blaming both Sean Hannity and Melania for advising you to endorse Dr. Oz.

Donald Trump: It’s true. It’s true. Let me tell you, it’s very hard being in a fight with your soulmate. And also Melania. Now, all anyone wants to talk about is Ronda sanctimonious. I’m surprised. I know that word too. But Ron out it’s so easy.

Brian Kilmeade: All right, you said DeSantis has the advantage of sunshine.

Donald Trump: That’s right. Everybody goes to Florida for the sunshine. But look, I made Ron DeSantis, okay? He was going to lose until went FBI agents to go and fix his election.

Brian Kilmeade: Wait, you just admitted to what?

Donald Trump: But he’s ungrateful and now he’s trying to steal my sunshine just like Len. And you know, Len, they were a one hit wonder. Okay? Kinda like OMC. And these election results are making us go how bizarre? How bizarre? How bizarre? We’re all hearing that all the time, right? How bizarre?

Ainsley Earhardt: Don’t you need to walk your daughter down the aisle?

Donald Trump: Missed it. Anyway what are you guys talking about? What are you guys talking about? You see Fabelmans?

Ainsley Earhardt: Mr. President, I don’t know how to tell you this but we’ve moved on. We can’t have you on the show anymore.

Donald Trump: What? What did I do? Was it the insurrection?

Brian Kilmeade: No.

Donald Trump: The impeachment.

Brian Kilmeade: No.

Donald Trump: Blackmailing Ukraine?

Brian Kilmeade: No.

Donald Trump: Charlottesville?

Brian Kilmeade: No.

Donald Trump: Didn’t make wall?

Brian Kilmeade: No.

Donald Trump: the murder?

Brian Kilmeade: What?

Donald Trump: Kidding.

Steve Doocy: It’s because you lost. Mr. President, we just don’t see a future with you. But you know what? We can still be friends. Okay? So bye bye now.

Donald Trump: Wait, wait. I have a big announcement, November 15th. Don’t push me off. I have a big announcement and it’s not what you think. I’m running for president again.

Ainsley Earhardt: Oh god.

Steve Doocy: That was awkward. but we’re finally free. Change is on the horizon and I have a pretty good idea we won’t be hearing from him again. [phone vibrating] And he’s calling my phone.

Brian Kilmeade: And mine.

Kari Lake: [sitting between Steve Doocy and Brian Kilmeade in place of Ainsley Earhardt, with a ring light on her face.] Mine too.

Steve Doocy: Whoa! Kari? What are you doing here?

Kari Lake: You think if I lose, I’m just gonna go away? Not on your life. We’ll be back for more Kari and friends. And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.