Tag: Chris Redd

Men’s Room

Bowen Yang

Chris Redd

Frankie… Kieran Culkin

Andrew Dismukes

Alex Moffat

Tracy Morgan

[Starts with Bowen speaking on the phone in men’s room]

Bowen: Yeah, works fine. My coworkers better though. Hey, I gotta go. I just walked into the bathroom. I don’t know why I’m telling you either. Okay, bye.

[Chris walks in]

Chris: Oh, there he is.

Bowen: Hey. We gotta stop meeting like this.

Chris: I say, man. Third time this week. What is this? Your new office?

Bowen: Oh, you know what I always say, boss man does the boss man does.

[Everything goes dark and blue mood lights are on.]

Bowen to himself: I’ve never said that in my life. Why am I saying that? I’m not the boss. So, why did I laugh? Why did he laugh? Why are we not ourselves when we’re in the men’s room? Everyone just panics and blurt something out.

[lights turn on]

[Bowen flushes]

Bowen: Well, I’m empty. See you later my guy.

Chris: Keep on trucking, my dude.

[Frankie walks in]

Frankie: Oh, love to party in here.

Chris: Ay, Frankie in the building. What’s up?

Frankie: Yeah, baby. Got any fun plans this weekend?

Chris: Oh, a couple days away from you. I’ll take it. Ha-ha-ha.

[Everything goes dark and blue mood lights are on.]

Chris to himself: That was mean as hell. I really like that guy, man. And why am I talking so loud? In the men’s room my voice gets weird and I shout things like football is crazy.

[only Frankie is speaking]

Frankie to himself: My heart is pounding. Why did I choose the urinal right next to him? Our arm’s skin is touching.

[lights turn on]

Chris: Ha-ha-ha. Alright, man. See you on ice.

Frankie: Well, you too.

[Everything goes dark and blue mood lights are on.]

Chris to himself: See you on ice? We work at a pension fund. Is that even an expression? I don’t know who I am in here.

Bowen to himself: I’ve been standing here for so long. None of the automatic sinks work. My hands are covered in soap.

Frankie to himself: I’m standing at a urinal but I only came in here to avoid working. Now, I feel like I can’t leave until they’ve heard me pee. Guess I’ll squirt my hand sanitizer in there to fake it.

[lights turn on]

Bowen: Hey, sounds like your streams coming along really well over there.

[Everything goes dark and blue mood lights are on.]

Bowen to himself: Why am I commenting on his pee and calling it a stream?

[Andrew walks in]

Andrew: Hey, what’s up my dudes?

All: Hey!

Andrew: So, anyone got big plans for the summertime?

Bowen: Not yet.

[Everything goes dark and blue mood lights are on.]

Andrew to himself: Why would they? It’s November. We’re months away from the summertime.

[lights turn on]

Andrew: New guy. Did anything fun last weekend?

Bowen: I’m sorry. Who? Me?

Andrew: Yeah.

Bowen: Sorry. what did you say?

Andrew: I just asked you if you did anything fun last weekend?

Bowen: Oh, yeah, sure. Umm… Umm…

Bowen to himself: I’m taking way too long to answer. I’ll just pretend I didn’t hear.

[lights turn on]

Bowen: Oh, sorry. I can’t hear anything today. So, yeah.

Andrew: What’s up?

Bowen: Nothing sorry. Anyway, these sinks working for you?

Chris: No! But football is crazy.

Bowen: Crazy.

[Alex walks in]

Alex: Uh-oh! Y’all having a little slumber party in here? Zagging your chains guys. And you see the new receptionist. She’s got legs for days.

[Everything goes dark and blue mood lights are on.]

Alex to himself: I killed a man in 2012. I didn’t even do a good job hiding the body but I still got away with it. Although I’m a free man, the guilt I carry is worse than any cell. But in here, I forget who I am and what I’ve done. I love the men’s room.

Alex: Don’t you guys love it in here?

[Tracy walks out of toilet cabin]

Tracy: Trust me, no one go in there. I had some pork meat last night and I dropped a bomb. [looks at Alex] And this dude killed my brother.

Car Heist

Security… Kenan Thompson

Thief… Chris Redd

Hacker… Mikey Day

Mastermind… Kieran Culkin

Natalia… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with Security doing rounds at night in automobile garage ]

[he hears some noise]

Security: What the–? [turns his flashlight on. He sees a rope hanging inside the shop. As he’s looking around, Thief stands behind him and hits him on his head. He’s out.]

Thief: Sleep tight, old man. [talking in microphone] I’m in.

Hacker: And we’re in business. I’m gonna work on getting those security doors open for you. Shouldn’t be long now, boss.

Mastermind: Fantastic. I’ll let the client know. They’re in.

Natalia: Impressive, Mr. Knight. But my boss doesn’t pay you to get inside underground garage. He pay you to steal billionaires vintage Lamborghini. It’s there, yes?

Mastermind: Ghost, you got eyes on the prize?

Thief: Oh, yeah. She’s one bad bitch.

Hacker: Okay, Ghost, just bought you two minutes to get out of there. You’re welcome by the way.

Thief: Two minutes? I’m counting money in one. Let’s do this. [turns on the engine] Ha-ha-ha-ha. Whoo! [the engine shuts down]

Mastermind: Everything all right, Ghost?

Thief: Yeah. Yeah. This car like this is just like beautiful ladies. You just gotta know how to handle. [The engine doesn’t turn on] What the hell? [Security is laughing. He is tied up.] Oh, yeah, boss. I think we got a problem.

Mastermind: What’s going on, Ghost?

Thief: This car got an advanced driver system I’ve never seen before. I’m looking at three pedals here, shifter that goes up, down and sideways. This must be some new, new tech. I’m thinking military maybe.

Hacker: Sounds like it’s a stick shift?

Thief: A stick what?

Mastermind: Stick shift. Ghost, you can drive stick, right?

Thief: Bitch, I can drive anything,

Mastermind: Including stick?

Thief: Nah.

Mastermind: Ghost, I’ll walk you through this. Anything you don’t get, you say stop.

Thief: Cool.

Mastermind: Turn the car on and press the clutch.

Thief: Stop. You say clock?

Security: [Laughing hard] That boy said clock.

Thief: Shut up, old man.

Mastermind: Put the car in gear.

Thief: Stop.

Mastermind: No. We don’t have time. Now, press the clutch with your left foot, put it in gear, then press the gas with your right foot.

Thief: Stop. You want me to drive with two feet? Who you think I am? Fred Flinstein?

Hacker: Flinstein?

Thief: Did I stutter? Frederick Flinstein.

Hacker: 60 seconds.

Natalia: Enough. Mr. Ghost, it’s Natalia. I help, so listen. Yes?

Thief: Yes, man.

Natalia: Left foot clutch, right foot gas.

Thief: Done, baby girl.

Natalia: Press clutch, put in gear.

Thief: New.

Natalia: Then take foot off clutch.

Thief: Copy.

Natalia: And give gas.

Thief: Impossible.

Natalia: Then drag, it’s clear?

Thief: Nah. But let’s do this.

[He’s trying to go forward but the engine stops going just a little forward]

Hacker: You’re gonna have to go a lot faster than that, Ghost.

Thief: Good thing this baby has nitrous boosters.

Security: [laughing] That’s the trunk.

Hacker: Get out of there right now, Ghost. Or you’re dead, man.

Thief: Don’t you know? You can’t kill a ghost.

[Thief goes forward]

Security: He ain’t gonna make it.

[The car gets hit by the gate and gets stuck]

Thief: Ay, boss. We got a problem.

Mellen

Mellen… Jason Sudeikis

Kyrie Irving… Chris Redd

Conor McGrregor… Alex Moffat

Louis C.K. … James Austin Johnson

Jake Paul… Pete Davidson

[Starts with clips of men watching TV at home bored]

Female voice: Post covid, men are staying home more than ever before and they need a day time talkshow that speaks to them. ABS thought bout it for 10 seconds and came up with Mellen! The male Ellen.

Mellen: I’m Mellen.

Female voice: Mellen, all the fun day time entertainer Ellen with the hard masculine edge. Mellen is no holds barred in your face entertainment. Mellen’s a man’s man. And you never know what Mellen might do next.

[Mellen pours a pot of sauce on a chef that’s guest on his show]

Mellen just won’t high-five the audience. He’ll nut tap them too. And you bette believe there’s dancing. Awkward male dancing. Instead of the cute inspiring kids that Ellen has on, Mellen has kids who slap their teachers to get famous on TikTok.

Mellen: Someone get that kid a beer. I’m Mellen.

Female voice: And just like Ellen, Mellen’s got sneak up surprises.

[Mellen is on an interview with Kyrie Irving]

Mellen: Now, Kyrie Irving, you’re still refusing to get vaccinated, correct?

Kyrie: That’s right.

Mellen: Oh, tell me more.

[a doctor is sneaking behind Kyrie Irving to give him vaccine shot in surprise]

Kyrie: See. I’m just as good as a player over zoom. You know what I mean? [he gets the shot] Ah!

Mellen: Oh-oh!

Kyrie: You got me again, Mellen.

Mellen: You just got vaxed, Mellen style.

Kyrie: [laughing] I’m mad.

Female voice: Put some protein in your daytime TV with the show critics are calling “Is this real?”, and Elle’s lawyers are calling, “Cease and desist.”

Mellen: Don’t miss segments like ‘Which crypto is popping right now’ and ‘what happens if you smoke a full cigar then try to run across a football field’. Plus, we’re cooking a wild boar meat with Joe Rogan and the guy from the Ancient Aliens who might be Joe Rogan in the wig.

Female voice: And don’t miss fun audience giveaways.

Mellen: Now, if you look under your seats, everyone in your studio audience gets a wet bath towel to whip each other with.

Female voice: A week ago, Mellen was just a fan of bar stool sports and the high volume poster on 4chan. Then he agreed to dye his hair and legally change his name to Mellen. And Mellen loves pranks too.

Mellen: Like when I sent Flyers mascots Gritty to bust into random woman’s bathroom.

[Gritty kicks the door of a bathroom. There’s a woman using the bathroom.]

Woman: What the [bleep]. Are you– [The woman beats hell out of the Gritty]

Female voice: Mellen will show you some entry level TikTok dances that even dads can follow. And Mellen welcomes heroic psychopaths like Conor McGregor and he gets them to open up the only way men can. While holding golf gloves.

Mellen: Conor, why do you think you punch random strangers?

Conor: It’s like this. People say dog fight. Use your word.

Audience: I can take you, McGregor.

Conor: Let’s do it right now.

Mellen: Oh-oh. And don’t miss our new segment on our male pattern baldness, ‘Keep it or clip it’, with Louis C.K.

Louis: I love this segment. I think it’s amazing. These dudes think they look cool and they suck.

Female voice: Hold that thought, Louis. Because Mellen is about to have a serious heart to heart with the man, the myth, the myth, Jake Paul.

Mellen: So, Jake, you wanna announce your next fight?

Jake: Actually, yeah I do. Yo, Mohammad Ali. I’m coming for you. In the ring. In the street.

Mellen: But I think he’s dead.

Jake: In the graveyard. You can’t hide from me forever, Ali. and it’s in the contract if I win, you hav to change your name back to Cashus Clay.

Mellen: Yo!

Female voice: Mellen, he’s the male Ellen. And that’s as far as we thought it through.

Mellen: I’m Mellen.

Female voice: Sponsored by Peyronies disease. Not the treatment. The actual disease. Just have fun with it.

Weekend Update- Chris Redd on What’s Really Important

Chris Redd

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: With so much happening in the world these days, it can be overwhelming to keep up with the news. Here to comment is our very own, Chris Redd.

[Chris Redd slides in]

Chris Redd: Yeah. Thank you, Che. Thank you, man.

Michael Che: How are you doing?

Chris Redd: And may I just say what y’all do up here every Saturday, keeping us informed. It’s important, bro. But Che, when do you take a moment to talk about the important unimportant things?

Michael Che: What do you mean by that?

Chris Redd: You know. Stuff most people don’t talk about because technically it doesn’t matter. Here. Let me take a moment quick. Hear me. [music playing] All this talk about debt ceiling and climate change but nobody talks about the fact that nobody in here knows one person who drives or operates a blimp.

Michael Che: A blimp?

Chris Redd: Yes, a blimp. Why do we not now who drives it? Like, when someone says, “I’m a driver”, you don’t say, “Oh, car or blimp?” Who is flying these things? I mean, they could fly a plane or jet. “No, I wanna fly a slow ass dildo across the sky.” For real! I’ve asked people all across the country, not one person knows a blimp driver. This might be a dumb question to ask you, but are we sure blimps are real?

Michael Che: I’m pretty sure they’re real, Chris.

Chris Redd: Exactly. Pretty sure. Plus, blimps are slow as hell. You ever seen a fast blimp? No. Because that is a missile. Anyway, what y’all doing? Y’all good? What’s going on?

Michael Che: Hold up, Chris. This wasn’t the plan. I mean, weren’t you supposed to be talking about the last time you were up here? And that thing you said?

Chris Redd: No. I don’t think so. I’m supposed to be talking about stuff like, why is everybody so mad about superman’s son in the comics being little bi-sex boy now? What a waste of time. He’s not real. I don’t care what real people do with their sex. So, why would I care about stencil, dog? There has to be something for everybody. So, treat life like a Pornhub selection. If it ain’t for you, don’t click the tab. Anyway, what porn you watch, Che?

Michael Che: We’re not talking about porn, Chris.

Chris Redd: Yeah, me neither, man. My porn watching days are over. I knew it when I started emailing feedback, “Passion is not in your eyes no more”.  You know? Colin, can I smoke weed in your house?

Colin Jost: No. I have a baby.

Chris Redd: That’s right. That’s right. Congratulations again on little baby Cletus.

Colin Jost: You know that my baby’s name is not Cletus, Chris. I’ve sent you pictures.

Chris Redd: I get a lot of pictures, Colin. I only remember the boobies. Anyway,–

Michael Che: Chris, that’s enough. Let’s talk about the last time you were here.

Chris Redd: Aite, man. Aite! Damn!Roll the damn clip.

[Cut to clip from 2020]

Colin Jost: Chris Redd, everyone.

Chris Redd: Black people can’t get coronavirus.

[Cut back to Chris Redd today]

Chris Redd: Okay. So, I guess that didn’t hold up great.

Michael Che: I’m not sure people caught that clip from February, 2020. Roll it again, please.

[the clip replayed]

Chris Redd: Okay! In my defense, I was just saying something crazy! I’m not a scientist. I went to community college. Which is like, high school, but you can have sex with your teachers. With consent.

Michael Che: I’m pretty sure you actually can’t, man.

Chris Redd: Hah! Well, I learned a lot today.

Michael Che: That’s Chris Redd with very important unimportant news.

Chris Redd: Not enough people are talking about it.

Prince Auditions

Punkie Johnson

Ego Nwodim

Jordon Peele… Chris Redd

Kenan Thompson

Rami Malek

Daniel Craig

Punkie: Well, it looks like we have a tough choice on our hands.

Ego: I know, I know. I didn’t expect this decision to be so difficult. What do you think, Jordon Peele?

Jordon Peele: I still can’t decide, but it’s definitely between the last two, agreed?

Ego: Definitely.

Jordon Peele: You know what? Why don’t we bring them back in?

Ego: Um, Derpee, can you send in the last two auditioners?

[Kenan Thompson and Rami Malek walk in. They both have guitars with them and are well dressed up as Prince.]

[cheers and applause]

Punkie: Wow, this is gonna be tough.

Jordon Peele: First of all, you guys are by far top two choices to play Prince in my new bio.

Ego: But obviously, we can only pick one.

Rami Malek: Of course.

Kenan Thompson: Right. Right.

Jordon Peele: So, the only way to settle this is to have a Prince off.

Rami Malek: A Prince off, sir?

Kenan Thompson: What the hell is a Prince off?

Jordon Peele: Yes. I’ll call out some random scenes from the script and you two will give me your absolute best Prince performance at the same time.

Kenan Thompson: We can do that.

Jordon Peele: Alright. Show me Prince doing a funky lick on the guitar. Action.

[Kenan Thompson and Rami Malek do the same act]

Good. Now, show me Prince getting pelted in the legs with a football.

[Kenan Thompson and Rami Malek do the same act]

Good.

Ego: Now, do Prince stepping on a lego.

[Kenan Thompson and Rami Malek do the same act]

Punkie: Oh my god, this is so hard.

Jordon Peele: Okay, Prince is with his lover and he finishes prematurely.

[Kenan Thompson and Rami Malek do the same act]

Ego: Great. Great. Now, Prince gets in the shower and the water’s too hot.

[Kenan Thompson and Rami Malek do the same act]

Jordon Peele: Let’s see Prince get shot in the stomach.

[Kenan Thompson and Rami Malek do the same act]

Ego: Prince gets a covid test but they go up too far.

[Kenan Thompson and Rami Malek do the same act]

Ego: Now, Prince realizes his virgin pina colada isn’t virgin.

[Kenan Thompson and Rami Malek do the same act]

Jordon Peele: And cut. How do we choose?

Ego: God, I don’t know. Shooting starts tomorrow.

Punkie: So, it’s going to be Rami Malek or Kenan Thompson?

Jordon Peele: I mean, Rami, you look almost identical to Prince in costume.

Rami Malek: Thank you. I was up all night making this look.

Kenan Thompson: Thirsty.

Punkie: And Kenan, you’re in costume but you look nothing like Prince.

Kenan Thompson: Yes, that is correct.

Jordon Peele: But you are black and Rami is not.

Kenan Thompson: Thank you very much.

Rami Malek: You know, that’s not fair.

Jordon Peele: I’m sorry. I just don’t think I can cast a white guy to play Prince.

Rami Malek: But my parents are from Egypt, right? And that’s in Africa.

Kenan Thompson: Come on, man.

Ego: Don’t do that.

Rami Malek: Okay, fine. But doesn’t Prince, like, doesn’t he transcend race?

Jordon Peele: Not in this movie, no.

Ego: There’s an unexpected twist in this Jordan film.

Jordon Peele: That’s right. You see, it starts off with Prince bio, but then–

Rami Malek: It turns into being a horror movie by racism.

Jordon Peele: Okay, lucky guess. Anyway, Kenan, you have the part.

Kenan Thompson: Hurray.

Rami Malek: This is bull.

[Daniel Craig walks in wearing costume worn by princes of Punkie9th century]

Daniel Craig: Am I late?

[cheers and applause]

Ego: Sorry, Daniel Craig.

Daniel Craig: Is it late for the audition for the part of the prince?

Kenan Thompson: Yes, you are.

Ego: Again, sorry, Daniel Craig.

Jordon Peele: And the audition is not for the prince, it’s for Prince the singer.

Daniel Craig: Ha-ha. Yeah.

Ego: Did you even read the script?

Daniel Craig: Yeah, yeah, it’s a horror movie that’s about racism, right?

Rami Malek: Yeah, it is.

Daniel Craig: Well, look, I’m here. I’m ready. Can we? Can I at least have a go? Try? [Daniel Craig gets a guitar]

Jordon Peele: Fine. Show me Prince seeing an adorable dog.

[Daniel Craig does the act]

Ego: But then it bites him.

[Daniel Craig does the act]

Punkie: Okay. So, he kicks it and he misses.

[Daniel Craig does the act. He almost falls on Kenan Thompson.]

Kenan Thompson: Hey. Get off me, Double-O-ugly.

Jordon Peele: How was that?

Jordon Peele: That was bad. But you’re James Bond, so you got the part.

Football Press Conference Cold Open

PR… Cecily Strong

Roger Goodell… Colin Jost

Jon Gruden… James Austin Johnson

Mark Davis… Alex Moffat

Larry Rucker… Pete Davidson

Equipment Manager… Andrew Dismukes

Cheerleader… Heidi Gardner

Giuseppe… Kyle Mooney

Colin Kaepernick… Chris Redd

Lavar Burton… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with NFL show intro]

Male voice: And now, a message from the National Football League.

[Cut to PR at the podium of press conference.]

[cheers and applause]

PR: Good evening. Good evening. I am ‘prefers to remain anonymous’ and I handle public relations for the NFL. So, if anyone wants to switch jobs, let me know. Now, I’d like to bring up the commissioner to address this week’s scandal. This is not the NFL draft but it’s still okay to boo him. Roger Goodell.

[Roger Goodell walks in]

[Audience booing]

Roger Goodell: You don’t really have to boo. Good evening. Hi, I’m Roger Goodell and when you see me on TV, it’s never good. This time, one of our coaches is accused of racism, misogyny and homophobia. But hey, at least no one’s talking about concussions. I think we can all agree emails sent by the Raiders’ coach Jon Gruden were horrifying and deeply offensive, specially to me. I was referred to as the F word, the P word, the C word, the R word, the F’ing R word, and the F’ing R word P word. And once weirdly I was called a DILF. That was kind of sweet. But I assure you all 32 teams in our league understand that diversity is our strength. And I know our black coaches would agree. Both of them. Now coach Gruden has asked to say a few words. I said, “Bad idea.”  But he got on his knees and begged and you know how much I hate seeing someone kneel. So, let’s hear it one more time for coach Gruden.

[Jon Gruden walks in]

Jon Gruden: Thank you, Roger. And I’m sorry to all the Raiders fans out there. I hope you won’t judge me on one email I sent 10 years ago, or the 20 emails I sent last Tuesday. But I promise I don’t have a racist bone in my body. When I called an African American player ‘darker than a night with no stars’, that wasn’t racial. I was referring to sense of humor which is extremely dark and edgy. Like that show ‘Louie’ on FX. Hey, when’s the next season coming out? Also called the commissioner gay F word like a hundred times. Yes.

Now, this sounds like a stretch, but if you’ve ever got burned by auto correct. Hear me out. So, I’m a bit of a naval buff and I often send my friends emails about frigates, which are warships. I’ll say, “Look at that flaming frigate!” That’s when a warship’s on fire. Or, “That dumb ass frigate can S my D.” That’s about a warship performing oral sex on another warship. You get it! My point is I never meant to hurt anyone. I meant to hurt them secretly behind their backs. But appearances matter. So, I’ll turn it over to a guy who’s all about appearances, Las Vegas Raiders owner, Mark Davis.

[Mark Davis walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Mark Davis: Hi, folks. Mark Davis here. Or as my players call me, the botched circumcision. Okay. Look, guys, what coach Gruden did was disgraceful. But we need to do better. Okay? we need to as I always tell my barber, air higher! [pointing at his haircut] And trust me, I’ve heard all the jokes about my hair and how it looks like Donald Trump’s haircut gave me a haircut. But we’re making this right and moving on. So, I’m gonna turn it over to our new head coach, Larry ‘don’t make me do this’ Rucker.

[Larry Rucker walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Larry Rucker: Hey, guys. Thank you. It is an honor to take over this storied franchise and a real shame that I have to immediately resign. They just found my emails too. And they are so much worse than the old coaches. I put the F word in the subject line. I started an email chain called, “Hey, let’s rank the racists.” And I responded to all of coach Gruden’s emails, “LOL, this is so true and funny! You the man, Gruden!”

Anyway, thank you and I look forward to joining ESPN in three months.

[Equipment Manager walks in]

Equipment Manager: Okay. Hi. Hi, everyone. I was the equipment manager five minutes ago, then someone just pushed me on stage and whispered, “You the coach now.” So, let me say this. Las Vegas will not tolerate misogyny of any kind. Never has, never will. I will vouch for the entire city on that. Also, I’m resigning immediately. I see reporters digging through my old tweets and that will not end well for me. I never should have dressed up as Jackie Chan for Halloween, but 2019 was a different era. Thank you and I’ll throw it over to the new chairman of Women’s Relations for the NFL, a cheerleader for the Washington football team.

[Cheerleader walks in]

Cheerleader: Whoo! Thank you. Thank you. I just like my team don’t have a name. And I just want to say the emails Jon Gruden sent to our organization do not reflect the values of our team. A team that until a year ago was called the Red Skins. I also wanna say to women who fell offended by the emails, lighten up! They’re funny! You guys, it was a meme of the first female referee and she was thinking, “Wait a minute, this isn’t my kitchen!” That was funny! Just laugh!

And now, to smooth everything over, I’d like to introduce out new mascot. We’ve made a lot of progress because now, we’re using white stereotypes. Please welcome Giuseppe, the stinky Italian.

[Giuseppe walks in with his mascot costume on]

Giuseppe: Ay! [speaks loudly in English with Italian accent] That’s right. We Italians make our meatballs and do the pizza. [being emotional] I am so sorry. This don’t feel right.

[Giuseppe walks out]

[Colin Kaepernick walks in]

Colin Kaepernick: Speaking of not right, hah! I’m Colin Kaepernick. [cheers and applause] Well, so much stuff coming out about the NFL is maybe racist kind of. Hah! I wonder if anyone tried to warn people about this before! I’m scratching my head trying to remember who said that. Scratch, scratch! It’s almost like that’s the reason they banned me from the league.

[Mark Davis walks in]

Mark Davis: Ha-ha. I don’t know. Maybe it was just your weird haircut. [Colin Kaepernick looks at Mark Davis in anger.] But good news, I think we may have found a solution that makes everyone happy. Someone even Twitter can get behind. Introducing our new head coach, Lavar Burton.

[Lavar Burton walks in]

Lavar Burton: Alright. Thank you very much. Alright. Suck on that, Mayim Bialik. I am the supreme football host now. I’ll take offense for 300. What is a handoff? I’m genuinely asking. I’m a theater kid, you know.

Mark Davis: Ha-ha-ha. This guy. So yes, NFL is gonna be just fine. Take us out, Levar.

[music playing]

Lavar Burton: [singing] Field goal in the sky, 
I am the head coach guy
Just take a look
in the play book
we’re playing football

Mark Davis: We’re playing football

Colin Kaepernick: They’re not playing football

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Celeb School Game Show

Bert Simpson… Kenan Thompson

Trishelle… Punkie Johnson

Ryan… Andrew Dismukes

John Oliver… Mikey Day

Jennifer Coolidge… Chloe Fineman

Adam Driver… James Austin Johnson

Kristen Wiig… Melissa Villaseñor

George Takei… Bowen Yang

Lil’ Wayne… Chris Redd

Rami Malek… Pete Davidson

Pete Davidson… Rami Malek

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: It’s time for Celeb School with your host Bert Simpson.

[Cut to the show]

Bert Simpson: Hey, folks. I’m Bert Simpson, Bert Simpson. And you know the game. Two contestants try to win $10000 with a help from our classroom of celebs. Playing today are Trishelle and Ryan.

Ryan: Oh, wait. Are we not going to do intro banter?

Bert Simpson: Oh, no. You two are boring. Okay, from “Last Week Tonight”, it’s John Oliver.

John Oliver: Game shows. America’s dirty little obsession. Give me more game shows, daddy. More please.

Bert Simpson: Okay. From “White Lotus”, Jennifer Coolidge.

Jennifer Coolidge: Oh, jeez. Why am I here? I don’t know anything. Gosh!

Bert Simpson: Next, an actor who’s voice sounds like it’s been changed to protect his identity, Adam Driver.

Adam Driver: Hello. Excited to be here.

Bert Simpson: Well, you could have fooled me. We’ve also got funny lady Kristen Wiig

Kristen Wiig: Hey. Ha-ha-ha. Hey, Mr. Host man. Ha-ha-ha. Dumb. Why? Why did I say that?

Bert Simpson: Star Trek legend, George Takei.

George Takei: Hello.

Bert Simpson: George, I gotta ask. Are you gonna say it?

George Takei: That depends on how bad you want it.

Bert Simpson: Oh, very bad.

George Takei: Oh, my!

Bert Simpson: There it is! Okay, next to him we have rapper Lil’ Wayne.

Lil’ Wayne: Ahah! I like to vibe out. Weezy!

Bert Simpson: It’s the wrong game, Weezy. Okay, next, the star of “No Time To Die”, Rami Malek. [Rami Malek just stares at the camera] Okay. And finally from SNL, Pete Davidson.

Pete Davidson: Wad up? Wad up? Yo! Do I have to sit next to Rami Malek? I mean his eyes are freaking me out. Like dude! Stop staring at me, man.

Rami Malek: I’m sorry. It’s just that people say we look alike. Maybe. I don’t see it. Maybe if I looked a little longer.

Pete Davidson: No, dude!

Bert Simpson: Okay. Ryan, Trishelle, you know how the game works. I give you a subject and you call on a celebrity student you think will know the answer. Ryna, you’re up first. Your subject is geography.

Ryan: Well, he has an accent and glasses which means he gotta be smart. I call on John Oliver.

Bert Simpson: Alright, John Oliver, Sweden is bordered by Norway and which other country?

John Oliver: Of course, you can’t talk about Sweden without talking about IKEA. [IKEA logo appears on right top corner.] Home of sketchy furniture and even sketchier meatballs. They’re not beef. Bad IKEA. Bad IKEA.

[buzzer sound]

Bert Simpson: John, your rant though amusing contained no answer. And please, no more over the shoulder graphic. Alright, Trishelle, you can steal.

Trishelle: Okay. Well, I’ll call on Jennifer Coolidge.

Jennifer Coolidge: Oh, jeez! Bad choice, sweetheart. Ah! I was in Europe once. I drank too much and passed out in a sauna like a dumb ass. Where was I? Finland?

[right answer bell]

Bert Simpson: That is correct. Trishelle takes the point. [a paper airplane hits Bert Simpson] Ay! You stop with the paper airplanes, Kristen Wiig.

Kristen Wiig: I didn’t throw anything. Ha-ha-ha. Why would you think I threw it?

Bert Simpson: Because you are half giggling and I saw you throw it.

Kristen Wiig: I’m sorry. I was just being weird. Sorry. Ha-ha-ha. I might do it again though. Is that bad?

Bert Simpson: Yes. Okay, Trishelle. Your subject is history.

Trishelle: Well, I don’t think he’ll know the answer because he is definitely high as hell, but I’m a fan. So, I call on Weezy.

Lil’ Wayne: Ha-hah! Yeah. I’d like to solve the puzzle. “What is that big fat ass?”

Bert Simpson: Once again, this is not “Wheel of Fortune”, nor is it “Jeopardy”. Are you ready for the question, Lil’ Wayne? [Lil’ Wayne is gone from his chair] And he’s gone. Does anybody know where he went? Rami Malek, did you see where Wheezy went?

Rami Malek: No. I’ve been staring at Pete Davidson.

Pete Davidson: Argh! Please, make him stop. It’s like the soul of a victorian child is trapped in his eyes.

Bert Simpson: You’re not wrong, Pete. Okay, Trishelle, second choice?

Trishelle: I call on Pete Davidson.

Pete Davidson: Pass!

Bert Simpson: You can’t pass, Pete. Okay, your question. Which revolutionary war battle was fought in your home town, New York City?

Pete Davidson: How would I know that? I mean, I went to school in Staten Island. And all of our classes were to prepare us to be firefighters or racist cops.

George Takei: Oh my!

Bert Simpson: George, you stay out of this. Alright, I need an answer, Pete.

Pete Davidson: I don’t know. I mean, can I just give Trishelle $10000 after the show? I mean, that would be easier.

Bert Simpson: No. Sorry. That’s not how the game works. Okay, Ryan, chance to steal.

Ryan: Okay, let’s go with Adam Driver.

Adam Driver: Good. Yes. Let’s have fun playing the game.

Bert Simpson: Adam. Which revolutionary war battle was fought in New York City?

Adam Driver: I don’t know. So, I’m not gonna answer the question.

Bert Simpson: Hey, calm down! Any of our other celebs think they know? George Takei has his hand up. You got an answer?

George Takei: No. I have a question. Why did William Shatner get to go to space and not me? Let Sulu go to the moon.

Bert Simpson: Sorry, it’s not up to me, George. And not that anyone cares, but the answer is the Battle of Brooklyn. Brooklyn.

[Lil’ Wayne walking in front of camera]

Lil’ Wayne: Yo, where did the plane go at?

Bert Simpson: That is “Price is Right”, Weezy. Okay, we’re gonna take a quick commercial break. Keep it right here. Ay, get back to your seat, Weezy.

The Peoples Kourt

Kourtney Kardashian… Kim Kardashian

Kim Kardashian… Heidi Gardner

Khloe Kardashian

Kris Jenner

Kylie Jenner… Melissa Villaseñor

Kendall Jenner… Halsey

Travis Barker… Mikey Day

Kanye West… Chris Redd

Machine Gun Kelly… Pete Davidson

Megan Fox… Chloe Fineman

O.J. Simpson… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Hulu intro]

Female voice: Hulu, it’s that thing you steal.

[Cut to clips of The Kardashians show]

Male voice: For 20 years, you’ve watched the Kardashian family bicker and squabble over everything.

Kourtney: I will literally [bleep] you up.

Male voice: Now, a new show that’s also that, but with a little more structure. It’s “The People’s Kourt” with a ‘K’. Starring judge Kourtney Kardashian.

[Cut to Kourtney at the judge seat]

Kourtney: Order, order. Order in the Kourtney. I’m good at this.

Male voice: Watch as she puts her judginess to good use and tackles the most serious family issues.

[Kim and Khloe Kardashian are in the court. Kim is in her MET Gala outfit covering up her face.]

Khloe: Kim stole my make up artist.

Kim: Oh my god! I needed him today.

Khloe: You’re wearing MET Gala outfit. No one can even see your face. Aw! You’re such a diva slore.

Kim: You’re just jealous.

Khloe: Hm, fine. But the next time you need to use the restroom, I’m not helping you ou krrr.

Kim: Wait. For real?

Khloe: For real.

Male voice: She doesn’t hold punches. She doesn’t play favors. And mostly, she just doesn’t care. Even with her own mom.

Kourtney: Mom, why are you suing Kylie and Kendall?

Kris: I am suing Kylie because she hasn’t had her baby yet. We have a whole marketing PR plan and she’s costing us money.

Kylie: I can’t grow it faster, mom.

Kris: Yes, you can. Take it from me. I had Khloe. I made her in four months. So, do you Kegel exercises and use your vagin.

Kylie: Mom, I am.

Kourtney: Whatever. And mom, why are you suing Kendall?

Kris: Well, I’m suing Kendall because she has absolutely no drama. She won’t cause any drama and it’s damaging our brand.

Kendall: I’m a Jenner, not a Kardashian.

Kris: And that’s something you need to work on, honey.

Kourtney: Ew, this is so cringe. Guilty!

Kendall: Who’s guilty? Me? Mom? Or Kylie?

Kourtney: I don’t care. You pick.

Male voice: There’s time for more than legal drama because even a judge has to let her hair down. With Kourtney’s boyfriend straight out of the year 2000 Blink 182, Travis Barker.

[Kourtney is sitting on Travis’s laps.]

Kourtney: Travis, baby. I have to do my show.

Travis: I can’t help it, your honor.

Kourtney: Oh my god, did you just call me your honor?

Travis: Yeah.

Kourtney: Babe…

Travis: Baby…

Kourtney: Babe, you’re so epic.

Travis: Oh, you’re so punk.

Kourtney: Will you drum all the small things on my ass when we get home?

Travis: Hands or sticks?

Kourtney: Both, baby.

Travis: Baby…

Male voice:It’s the Kardashian family like you’ve always seen them before. Lives will be changed. Shade will be thrown.

Kourtney: Okay, Kim, Kanye, what’s the problem?

Kanye: Ay Fam. I’m suing Kim because people always coming after me about when I tweet, but actually she haaacked me.

Kourtney: What?

Kanye: I said Kim haaacked me.

Kourtney: Are you saying hacked?

Kanye: Yeah, bro. Like okay, does this even sound like me? [talking about the tweet] “Who’s seen the play ‘Wicked’? I’ve seen it four times.” That ain’t me, fam.

Kim: That was you, Kanye. That’s your favorite play.

Kanye: Okay, fine. I do love that musical. But what about this one? “What do I have to do to get a simple Persian rug with cherub imagery? ? Ugh.” That can’t be me fam.

Kim: No. It was you. That’s your favorite rug.

Kanye: Okay, fine. It’s beautiful. What about this? “Wiz Khalifa, I like your pants.” Actually, that was me. Case dismissed.

Kourtney: This is so boring. Bring me my bailiffs and best friends, Machine Gun Kelly and Megan Fox.

[Machine Gun Kelly and Megan Fox walk in]

Machine Gun Kelly: Hey, what’s up?

Megan Fox: Wait, why are we best friends?

Kourtney: Because our boyfriends have tattoos for necks.

Megan Fox: Oh right, I love him.

Machine Gun Kelly: Ha, I love you too.

Megan Fox: I wrote you an Instagram caption, babe.

Machine Gun Kelly: Oh, that’s fire. Alright.

Megan Fox: Achingly beautiful boy.

Machine Gun Kelly: Oh.

Megan Fox: Toxic.

Machine Gun Kelly: Oh.

Megan Fox: Viral.

Machine Gun Kelly: Oh.

Megan Fox: Twin flame. Rehab barbie.

Machine Gun Kelly: Oh. I wish I could vape you.

[Machine Gun Kelly and Megan Fox start licking each other’s tongues.]

Kanye: A yo! A yo! Keep in mind, this is coming from Kanye, but ya’ll weird.

Male voice: On “The People’s Kourt”, you never know who’s gonna stop by.

Kourtney: Okay, finally the last case on the docket.

O.J. Simpson: Ay, Kourtney, it’s me, O.J. Simpson. You know. The Juice. Your dad’s old friend. Ay, how come ya’ll don’t invite me to anything anymore. Where is everybody going?

Male voice: “The People’s Kourt” on Hulu. All judgements are legally binding. Oh, I don’t know about that.

Lotto Drawing

Jim Bullock… Kenan Thompson

Wendy DiMichael… Aidy Bryant

Felix Cruz… Chris Redd

Shonda… Kim Kardashian

Ronda… Cecily Strong

Diana Ross… Ego Nwodim

[Starts with WEJJ Channel 7 Eyewitness News intro]

[Cut to Jim Bullock and Wendy DiMichael in their news set]

Jim Bullock: Welcome back to Channel 7 Eyewitness News, “You news it, you lose it!” Still working on that slogan.

Wendy DiMichael: I prefer mine. “News: It’s what happened recently.”

Jim Bullock: In just a minute, we’ll throw it over to Felix Cruz with sports.

Felix Cruz: I got all the scores for you baby, except baseball and football.

Jim Bullock: But first, it’s the live drawing of tonight’s power ball lotto jackpot.

Wendy DiMichael: Let’s go to Shonda at the lottery headquarters.

[Cut to Shonda]

Shonda: And I’m Shonda. And the first ball up is three. The next is seven. The next is nine. And the last is ‘J’. Making tonight’s winning numbers 3-7-9-J. Back to you, Jim.

Jim Bullock: Shonda, I don’t think there’s supposed to be letters in the lotto drawing.

Wendy DiMichael: Yeah. Give us a second on that. In the meantime, let’s go to Ronda with the numbers for tonight’s double play.

Ronda: And thank you. I’m Ronda. Tonight’s double play jackpot is money. And first ball up is three. The next is 4000. The next is blank. And the last is Milwaukee Bucks. Making tonight’s winning numbers 3-4000-blank-Milwaukee Bucks. Back to you, Jim.

Jim Bullock: The numbers aren’t supposed to go above 10.

Wendy DiMichael: Yeah. And was there a blank in there?

Jim Bullock: I also think that one of the balls from the NBA draft might have gotten mixed in. Maybe there’s an issue with the tubes feeding the balls up?

Wendy DiMichael: Well, let’s go back to Shonda who I’m told has the correct numbers this time. Shonda.

Shonda: And I’m Shonda. And you’re watching lotteries. The first ball up is three. The next is meatball. The next is meatball. And the last is bread. Making tonight’s lucky numbers, 3-meatball-meatball-bread. Back to you, Jim.

Jim Bullock: Okay, those are the ingredients of a meatball hero.

Wendy DiMichael: Yeah, that’s what I ordered for lunch.

Jim Bullock: Maybe the lottery tube got switched with the tube from the Deli?

Wendy DiMichael: So, delis use tubes?

Jim Bullock: Just trying to piece this together in real time, Wendy. Why don’t we go back to Ronda who has the correct double play numbers?

Ronda: I sure do, Ronda. I’m Ronda. Good luck to all of you out there and me.

Wendy DiMichael: Oh. I don’t think you’re supposed to play.

Ronda: And the first ball up is cellphone. The next is car keys.

Jim Bullock: Oh god, now it’s just stuff from my dressing room.

Ronda: The next is wallet. And the last is condoms. Making tonight’s winning numbers cellphone-car keys-wallet-condoms. Back to you, Jim.

Jim Bullock: Thank you, Ronda.

Wendy DiMichael: You bring condoms to work?

Jim Bullock: I think those were just lollipops with sticks broken off.

Felix Cruz: Hey, I got an update for you. Lottery lady – one, Jim – zero. Ha-ha-ha.

Jim Bullock: Dumb! Why don’t you focus on getting football and baseball?

Felix Cruz: They won’t tell me the scorers.

Wendy DiMichael: Alright. I’m being told that a repair man is fixing the tubes as we speak. So, Shonda should be ready now with the real numbers. Shonda?

Shonda: And I’m still Shonda. The first ball up is screwdriver. The next is mustache. The next is finger. And the last is blood. Making tonight’s winning numbers screwdriver-mustache-finger-blood. Back to you, Jim.

Jim Bullock: Oh my god!

Wendy DiMichael: I know. She only throws back to you. What about “Back to you Jim and Wendy”?

Jim Bullock: You’re pointing that out now?

Felix Cruz: I got another update for you. Tubes – one, repair man – zero. Ha-ha-ha.

Jim Bullock: Dumb! Let’s take a break and sort this out. And hey, our apologies to Diana Ross ho has been sitting here patiently in the studio.

Diana Ross: Screwdriver-mustache-finger-blood. I won!

[Cut to outro]

Male voice: Channel 7 Eyewitness News. “News: It’s what’s happened recently.”

Facebook Hearings Cold Open

Mr. Blumenthal… Mikey Day

Frances Haugen… Heidi Gardner

Dianne Feinstein… Cecily Strong

John Kennedy… Kyle Mooney

Ted Cruz… Aidy Bryant

Lindsey Graham… James Austin Johnson

Cory Booker… Chris Redd

Mark Zuckerberg… Alex Moffat

Tom… Pete Davidson

[Starts with channel show schedule]

Male voice: You’re watching C-SPAN on the Saturday night. Wow. We now return to coverage of the Facebook Hearings In Congress.

[Cut to the hearing]

[cheers and applause]

Mr. Blumenthal: Once again, I would like to thank the Facebook whistleblower for coming forward.

Frances Haugen: Thank you. It’s nice to be in an office with no skateboards.

Mr. Blumenthal: Now, my colleagues are eager to ask you questions about the inner workings of Facebook and Instagram. The chair recognizes senator Feinstein of California.

Dianne Feinstein: Ms. Haugen, I applaud your testimony here today. What Facebook has done is disgraceful and you better believe congress will be taking action… right after we pass the infrastructure bill, raise the debt ceiling, prosecute those responsible for the January 6th insurrection and stop Trump from using executive privilege even though he’s no longer president. After all that, you watch out Facebook!

Frances Haugen: Well, as a former Facebook engineer, I’m here today because I have seen first hand how Facebook products harm children, stoke division and weaken our democracy.

Dianne Feinstein: I appreciate that. My question is I have 2000 friends on Facebook. Is that good?

Frances Haugen: Is it good?

Dianne Feinstein: Like, is that a lot? 2000 sounds like a lot. How many does Drake have? 4000?

Frances Haugen: I think he has like, 50 million.

Dianne Feinstein: Oh my god. No wonder he never answered my poke.

Mr. Blumenthal: Thank you, senator Feinstein. The chair recognizes senator Kennedy of Louisiana.

John Kennedy: Ms. Haugen, you’ve told us a lot of disturbing information about this so called ‘Algorithm’. I just wanna clear up a few points. Where is it?

Frances Haugen: The algorithm?

John Kennedy: Yes. Do you have it with you now?

Frances Haugen: No. But there are algorithms in all our phones and computers.

John Kennedy: Not mine. I got a JitterBug flip phone. Only lets me call my son or the hospital. Now, exactly how big is this algorithm? Stop me when I get there. [John Kennedy shows a gap between his two palms to show the size of algorithm.]

Frances Haugen: Please stop.

John Kennedy: Woo-whii! That’s pretty big. No further questions.

Mr. Blumenthal: Senator Cruz from Texas.

Ted Cruz: Yes. I was particularly drawn to your testimony about bullying online, how some teenagers and even some adult man are bullied almost constantly.

Frances Haugen: It’s very disturbing.

Ted Cruz: So, I’m wondering how do you turn off that feature on Facebook where everyone comments on all your posts and says you’re bad and they hate you.

Frances Haugen: Well, there’s an option to turn off comments.

Ted Cruz: [taking notes] Okay. Excellent. Now, I’m also concerned about the toxic extremist groups you mentioned. I’ve seen groups with hateful names like “Ted Cruz sucks” or “Ted Cruz is the real zodiac killer” or “How Ted Cruz have kids when he a virgin”. Now, shouldn’t you flag those as misinformation?

Frances Haugen: “Ted Cruz sucks” isn’t really misinformation. It’s just one person’s opinion.

Ted Cruz: Well, that’s more than one person’s opinion.

Mr. Blumenthal: Thank you. The chair recognizes senator Lindsey Graham of South Carolina.

Lindsey Graham: Thank you, Ms. Haugen. I believe that Instagram is toxic to the body image to the impressionable young Americans, specifically me. I see all these beefy guys on my discover page and I’m lifting and I’m sweating and nothing’s popping. No biceps, no triceps, no delts. I’m trying to get swole for Comic-Con but it is so hard to cosplay as a boy when you don’t have the V. Everyone knows you need the V.

Frances Haugen: I’m sorry. Is there a question?

Lindsey Graham: I’m just saying these young girls are trying to get a face that don’t even exist. They want the fox eye, the high cheek, Emily Ratajkowski brow, they’re doing botox, Juvéderm, Kybella, Restylane, and I’m like, “Girl, that ain’t a face. That’s a filter.” I’m sorry, I’m bad.

Mr. Blumenthal: [clears his throat] I’m just gonna move on. Senator Cory Booker.

Cory Booker: Thank you, Ms. Haugen. I was particularly disturbed by your testimony about how Facebook choose profits over the well being of our children. Rosario and I were discussing this very issue just the other day. Rosario Dawson.

Frances Haugen: Right.

Cory Booker: Yeah, she and I are… um… dating.

Frances Haugen: That’s great.

Cory Booker: So, my question is, does that make sense? Right? Like, when I stand next to her in a photo, that looks regular?

Oh, I don’t feel comfortable answering that.

Lindsey Graham: Ms. Haugen. I have another question. It’s been burning a back hole in my pocket. When you open an incognito window on, does that prevent god from seeing what you’re googling?

Frances Haugen: You know, that sounds like maybe a question for the bible.

Lindsey Graham: And I will ask the bible. Thank you, Ms. Haugen.

Mr. Blumenthal: Senator Kennedy, you have a follow up?

John Kennedy: Yeah. Uh, Ms. Haugen, could you explain how this photo showed up in my feed?

[There’s a picture of a group of people cosplaying different characters]

Frances Haugen: What is that?

John Kennedy: That’s what I’d like to know. It looks like the cast from the live action version of Space Jam is taking a selfie?

Ted Cruz: Now, is that pornographic?

John Kennedy: Not yet. But it feels like it’s heading there?

Dianne Feinstein: I had one in my feed as well. What is this?

[There’s a picture of a girl turning into a mouse]

Is Facebook pressuring teens to do this? To slowly morph into mice? Is this the Stewart Little challenge?

Frances Haugen: No. I think that’s an image from an old book series called Animorphs.

Lindsey Graham: Oh my god. That looks like something I found on the dark web.

Ted Cruz: Oh, that reminds me, is the dark web the same as black Twitter?

Frances Haugen: Oh my god!

Lindsey Graham: Let’s try to keep these questions pertinent. Now, what about Squid Game? What is that?

Dianne Feinstein: Oh. America is in a lot of debt right now. Should we do a Squid Game?

Ted Cruz: You know, I was put in a Squid Game recently and they made me the guy from Spongebob. “When Texas is freezing and you in Mexico.”

John Kennedy: I gotta ask about this one too. [There’s a meme that looks like a fruit is high] “When the edible kicks in and you da substitute.”

Ted Cruz: Is that what the kids are calling a may-may (meme).

Cory Booker: There’s this one too. [There’s a meme that shows a cartoon wearing turban and a cartoon with hair loss.] “How it started and how it’s going.” Is this making teens feel bad about their hair loss?

Frances Haugen: Guys, you don’t have to do this.

Dianne Feinstein: Okay, one more. [There’s a meme with two guys smiling] “When you meet bitches that like vegetables.” Because that came up when I searched for “Tom Brady old face”.

Mr. Blumenthal: Guys, order. Please. Stop showing Ms. Haugen memes you found online.

Ted Cruz: It’s may-may (meme).

Mr. Blumenthal: Let’s adjourn for lunch. But first I’m told we have a video response coming in from the Founder of a very important social media site.

[Cut to Mark Zuckerberg at his home]

Mark Zuckerberg: Hi everyone.

Mr. Blumenthal: No! No! We don’t need any more from that guy. I mean, let’s go to the OG social media king.

[Cut to Tom from MySpace.]

Tom: Oh, hey. I’m Tom from MySpace. Remember me? I was harmless. I’m not doing any of that weird algorithm stuff. We barely maintained the website. So, come on by. Check out your friend’s band from 20 years ago and let’s make America top eight again. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.