American Voices about the talk show

Ruby Nichols… Leslie Jones

Janine Katz… Sasheer Zamata

Jackie Katz… Kyle Mooney

Absin… Kenan Thompson

Mom… Cecily Strong

Regie… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with American Voices intro]

Male voice: Tonight on American Voices. Corso, Litterman, Leno, Falon. The late night talk show landscape has been home to some of America’s great talents. All of them fun. And just about all of them, men. But was it always this way? [A picture of Ruby Nichols appear] Actually, one of Television’s very first talk shows was hosted by an African-American woman, comedian Ruby Nichols.

[Cut to Janine Katz- Ruby’s Granddaughter]

Janine Katz: My grandmother started out in the 1940 on the legendary Chitland circuit doing party records like, Skunkment for Supper, and Who Sat On These Biscuits? But her big break came when she married my grandfather, TV producer Jackie Kats.

[Cut to a picture of Jackie Katz and Ruby Nichols hugging] [Cut to Janine Katz]

Unfortunately this show had a couple of obstacles to overcome. Their band leader was blinded in an auto-plant accident. And they shot it in Atlanta which still wasn’t fully desegregated.

[Cut to Too Late with Ruby Nichols video bumper] [cheers and applause] [Cut to Ruby Nichols]

Ruby Nichols: Thank you. Thank you. You all see this? They had a big Hollywood movie opening last night. Vertigo, did anyone see it? You did? Well, I didn’t, because they wouldn’t let me in the Theater.  Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. They wouldn’t even let me in the front entrance of this theater and this is my show! Ha-ha-ha-ha. Makes me deeply sad.

Anyway, I want y’all to meet Absin on the piano. How you doing, Absin?

[Cut to Absin]

Absin: I- I- I’m doing real good. I’ve been resting comfortably since the accident. I don’t know what all the fuss was about. I don’t miss seeing nothing.

[playing piano] [Cut to Janine Katz]

Janine Katz: To say it read people the wrong way is an understatement. But, ABC bravely kept it going and until the Hailey Mill’s episode. My grandmother was always frustrated. She was the only one on TV who had to have a day job.

[Cut to Ruby Nichol’s talk show set. Ruby Nichol, Absin and Miley are sitting.]

Ruby Nichols: Thank you for being here.

Miley: Thank you. I didn’t know what to expect.

Ruby Nichols: That’s how I feel all the time.  [laughing] Let’s talk about this movie. A lot of people are talking about parent trap. You seen it Absin?

[Cut to Absin and Miley]

Absin: Ya, I saw it twice.

[Cut to Absin, Miley and Ruby Nichols]

Ruby Nichols: [laughing] Well, did you bring your twin here tonight?

Miley: I don’t have a twin. They shot me as a two different characters, you silly.

[Cut to Ruby Nichols]

Ruby Nichols: [laughing] Alright, you got one more time to call me silly.

[Cut to Miley]

Miley: I can just show you a bit if you like.

Ruby Nichols: Yes. I’d love it.

[Cut to a clip from the movie. Abygal played by Miley and Mom are sitting.]

Mom: Oh, Abby, please. At least eat your pie.

Abygal: I don’t want it mama, now that daddy’s not here. Not now, and not ever.

[Regie walks in]

Regie: Oh, now, come on Miss Abygal. Now I reckon I make all these pies for them now to get ate up. You hear? It will make me smile. Come on, now. Give old Regie a smile.

[Regie makes Abygal smile by pulling her lips at the two end with his fingers.] [Cut to Ruby Nichol’s talk show set.]

Miley: Oh! Perhaps not the best clip to show.

Ruby Nichols: Ha-ha-ha. Question. You couldn’t make your own pie?

Absin: [talking to the crew members] Look here, do me a favor. Make sure my car’s running.

Miley: Ummm…

Ruby Nichols: I’m just so sick of Hollywood making us look like this. You know, I’m gonna tell you right now what I think of every white person here.

[Video cuts to a screen message “Please stand by”.] [Cut to American Voices outro]

How 2 Dance with Janelle

Janelle… Sasheer Zamata

Teddy… Kyle Mooney

Mom…Taraji P. Henson

Michael… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with How 2 dance with Janelle intro] [Cut to Janelle streaming live with her friend Teddy sitting behind her.]

Janelle: What’s up YouTube? It’s your girl Janelle, a.k.a. Jay Train, a.k.a. Janelle. And I’m here as always with my best friend Teddy.

Teddy: [walks near to Janelle] Best friend and prom date.

Janelle: That’s right. We’re going together as a joke. [laughs]

Teddy: So funny!

Janelle: Anyway, we’re live streaming today in honor of my channel hitting 1 million subscribers. So, shout out to my 1 million subscriber, Jeremy Gates from Danberi state penitentiary. [Janelle hits the play button and the music starts playing] Okay, let’s get dancing.

[Janelle and Teddy stand]

Today we’re gonna learn how to do the Do Drop. Alright Teddy, first you have to shake your shoulders like you’re cold then roll your body like it’s a snake. It’s easy. Let’s try it full speed.

[Janelle starts dancing]

Teddy: Oh, my god!

[Mom opens the door enters the room]

Mom: Woo-hoo! Y’all better be kissing in here.

Janelle: Ew, gross!

Teddy: Yeah, that’d be so gross.

[Janelle pauses the music]

Janelle: Can you leave? I’m doing my dances.

Mom: Oh, I know baby. Your brothers and friends are all watching in the living room.

[Michael walks in]

Michael: Janelle! None of my friends want to play Xbox with me.

Mom: Michael! Go take the garbage!

Michael: Mom, it’s not even making sense!

Mom: You better get out of here boy!

[Michael leaves]

Baby, show me the dance you were doing?

Janelle: Oh, it’s call the Do Drop. Like this.

[Janelle shows the dance.]

Mom: Oh, no, no, no. That is not how we move in this house. I raised you better than that. We move like this.

[Mom shows Janelle how to move even better.]

Teddy: [looking at Mom] Oh, how cool pillow. I’m just gonna put it right here.

[Janelle puts the pillow over his lap.]

Janelle: Oh, mom!

Mom: Please! You know I auditioned to be a fly girl. Now let me show you how real real woman dances.

Janelle: But I’m not a woman.

Mom: Well, your body disagrees. Alright, step one, jam!

[Mom plays the music and starts dancing]

Ay! Ay! Step two, it’s all about arms and back. You gotta pop it like this. Pop! Pop! Pop it out! Pop it! Pop it!

Janelle: It looks like someone’s trying to punch you in the spine.

Mom: That’s what’s hot about it. Pop it! Pop it!

[Janelle and Mom are dancing together]

Bang! Bang! Bang! Now, how does that feel for you?

Janelle: It hurts everything.

Mom: Hah! Then you’re doing it right, baby. Now watch this. This is when you’re dropping it low.

[Mom starts shaking her butt] [Michael walks in]

Michael: Mom, my friends are watching this!

Mom: Hey, boys! Don’t you eat all my food!

[Michael leaves]

Janelle: Teddy, get in here.

Mom: Yeah! Teddy!

[Janelle pulls Teddy in the middle of her and Mom.]

Mom: Come on, Teddy! You have to move your hips like this.

Janelle: Yeah, and move your arms and chest like this.

Mom: Yeah, go Teddy! Go Teddy!

[Teddy faints]

Is he alright?

Janelle: Yeah, he faints a lot. I’ll just get him some water.

Mom: Okay, baby. You go.

[Janelle leaves]

Mom: [looking at the computer] What’s that comment say? Do you know how to twerk? Oh, baby. I was made for–

[Michael storms in]

Michael: No, no, no, no.

[Michael is pressing all the buttons trying to stop the streaming] [This livestream has now ended.]

He-Man and Lion-O

Kyle Mooney

Mom… Aidy Bryant

He-man… Chris Pratt

Lion-o… Taran Killam

Sister… Cecily Strong

She-ra… Ariana Grande

[Starts with a clip of blue house]

Kyle: A He-Man action figure? Just what I wanted. [Cut to the dining hall. Kyle and Mom are conversing.] Mom, this has been the best birthday ever. I almost don’t care that none of my classmates came to my party.

Mom: Aw! Well, [Cut to Mom] honey, growing up isn’t easy for anyone. At least, you have your toys.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: Yeah, but my toys can’t talk. Or sing my songs with me.

We are friends, who dream of love

[cut to Mom bringing a cake to Kyle]

Mom: Oh! Honey, maybe don’t do the song. Okay? Here, why don’t you make your birthday wish and mama’s gonna go up stairs and take a nap, okay? Please don’t bother me sweetheart. Love you.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: I wish. I wish my toys were alive.

[Kyle blows the candle. The action figures come to life.] [cheers and applause]

No way! My wish came true. Hi, He-man. I’m Danny.

[Cut to He-man and Lion-o]

He-man: Danny!

[Kyle points to Lion-o]

Kyle: And you’re Lion-o.

Lion-o: Okay.

[Cut to Kyle, He-man and Lion-o]

Kyle: You’re alive!

He-man: Danny! [He-man hits the utensils with his sword]

Lion-o: What is alive?

Kyle: Careful!

Lion-o: Danny, tell us what alive is.

[He-man hits the table with his sword]

He-man: Danny! Stop!

Kyle: Um, I thought this would be a woody and buzz lightyear thing, like, where you guys would know your worlds [Cut to Kyle] and — You guys don’t know anything.

[Cut to Kyle, He-man and Lion-o]

Lion-o: [pointing at Danny’s pants] Danny, what are those?
Kyle: These are pants.

Lion-o: Pants?

He-man: Pants? Danny!

Lion-o: Why don’t we have pants?

He-man: [pointing the cake with word] Pants?

Kyle: No, that’s cake.

Lion-o: Why is cake, Danny?

Kyle: You can eat it, see? [Kyle eats a piece of cake] [Lion-o grabs the cake with his fist and eats]

Lion-o: I like cake.

He-man: Cake? [He-man takes some cake on his finger and eats it] [Cut to Sister walking in]

Sister: Danny, mom is making me say Happy Birthday to you, so Happy Birthday, okay?

[Cut to He-man and Lion-o]

Lion-o: What was that?

[Cut to Kyle, He-man and Lion-o]

Kyle: That was just my sister.

He-man: I like sister. [He-man runs to the door and hits the door with his face. He doesn’t know how to open the door.] [Cut to Kyle and Lion-o]

Lion-o: I feel good when I see sister. Bring back sister, Danny.

Kyle: You guys are supposed to play with me.

[Cut to He-man]

He-man: [screaming] I want sister! [He-man punches a hole through the wall] [Cut to Kyle, He-man and Lion-o]

Kyle: Don’t do that.

Lion-o: Give us more cake, Danny. [Lion-o hits the chair] Ah! I touched this [pointing at his underwear] to that part and it felt good. Why?

[Lion-o touches his underwear by himself]

I like it. I like this, Danny. Do this.

[He-man starts touching Lion-o’s underwear, then Lion-o starts touching He-man’s underwear.]

This feels good, Danny. This is good. Good like cake, but different good.

He-man: Oh! This is good.

Lion-o: I want this with the sister.

He-man: Yeah, with the sister.

Lion-o: Where is sister, Danny?

Kyle: Her room’s down the hall.

He-man: Down the hall. [He-man runs through the wall] [Cut to Kyle and Lion-o]

Lion-o: Now, give me more cake.

Kyle: Hey, there might be some more in there.

[Lion-o pulls the fridge door out and trows it away.]

Lion-o: There is no cake, Danny.

[He-man runs in again]

He-man: Cake?

[Cut to Lion-o]

Lion-o: Did you find sister?

[cut to He-man]

He-man: I found other sister.

[She-ra runs in with a sword] [Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: Wow! She-ra, you’re alive too?

[cut to She-ra]

She-ra: I heard you guys were doing this!

[Cut to everybody. Everyone except Kyle is touching their underwear.]

Kyle: Can I have a birthday hug?

She-ra: I don’t like hugs. I like this.

[She-ra starts swinging her sword at the stuffs on the table. Then, He-man and Lion-o also start destroying other things.] [Mom walks in]

Mom: Hey! What is going on in here?

Kyle: No, it’s not my fault, mom. I made a wish.

[Cut to Mom. He-man and Lion-o walk close to Mom]

Lion-o: Mom?

He-man: Hair!

Lion-o: I like mom.

He-man: I like mom too.

Mom: Oh, my sweet meats. Danny, you may have blown out the candle, but mama’s wish done come true. Do you two want to see our hot tub?

He-man: Hmm, hot tub?

Lion-o: Yes, mom! Hot tub. [Lion-o starts touching his underwear again] This feel good mom!

Mom: Oh, I know. And She-ra, come on! I know you’re a freak!

[Cut to everybody leaving but Kyle.]

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

Cecily Strong

Santa Claus… Beck Bennett

Dad… Mikey Day

Mom… Scarlett Johansson

[Starts with a girl looking at her mother and Santa kissing] [music playing]

Cecily: ♪ I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus
♪underneath the mistletoe last night

♪she didn’t see me creep downstairs to have a peak
♪she thought that I was tucked up in my bedroom fast asleep

♪oh, what a laugh it would have been
♪if daddy had only seen

♪mommy kissing Santa Claus last night
♪turns out that kissing mom had Santa Claus

[Cut to Mikey watching Scarlett and Santa kissing]

underneath the mistletoe that night
♪I thought that he’d be mad

♪or just be kind of sad
♪but he just sat there watching them and only said,

Dad: Not bad.

Cecily: ♪By now, I can tell that Santa Claus

[Santa backing off from kissing]

♪regretted getting himself mixed up in this
♪he said that he should probably roll
♪but mommy said

Mom: No, wait, asshole!

Cecily: ♪He had done half the stuff that was in the posting on Craiglist
♪but Santa said they’d better pay in full
♪or he’d tell the friends what they did behind closed doors

[Mikey strangles the Santa]

♪I couldn’t believe my eyes
♪my mom and dad just killed some guy
♪then I realized the chokehold was just part of the script—
♪and then Santa stood up and thanked them both

♪and asked them if they were both satisfied
♪mom and dad said they had a blast
♪and gave him thousand cash
♪and walked him to his Nissan parked right outside

[Cut to Cecily laying in bed]

♪then I laid in bed thinking about
♪how much I really don’t know mom and dad
♪but the weirdest thing I think
♪isn’t my parents kink

♪it’s the fact that I sat watching them for as long as I have
♪oh, well, I guess we all need to have a thing
♪mine seems to be watching people private life
♪and at least now that I know
♪I can keep it under control
♪that my mommy kissed Santa Claus last night

First Thanksgiving

Pocahontas… Melissa Villaseñor

Dad… Fred Armisen

John… Beck Bennett

Mom… Maya Rudolph

Grandpa… Will Farrell

[Starts with a video clip of old hut type of house.]

Pocahontas: Wow, this food is amazing, mom.

Dad: Yeah, it sure is.

[Cut to five people having a meal together. Four of them are native Americans and one is white.]

John: Yes, Mrs. Honta’s, the corn is very delicious.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Mom: Well, I’m glad you like it, John. But, again, our last name isn’t Hontas.

Dad: We don’t have last names, John.

[Cut to John and Pocahontas]

John: Right. Sorry, I guess I messed up again.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: I guess you did.

[Cut to John and Pocahontas]

Pocahontas: It’s okay, John. You’re doing fine.

John: I’m so nervous. I really want your family to like me.

Pocahontas: They do like you. Would you excuse me for a sec? I just have to use their restroom.

[Cut to everybody] [John leaves]

Pocahontas: Okay.

Mom: John seems nice.

[Cut to Pocahontas]

Pocahontas: He is, mom. And thanks for welcoming him to thanksgiving dinner, even though he’s—

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: A paleface?

Pocahontas: Grandpa, [Cut to Pocahontas] that’s not nice. You’re being prejudiced.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: I’m not prejudiced. I just see that the palefaces are taking over. They are everywhere now.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Dad: Maybe cool it with the paleface talk, dad.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: Why? We can’t say that now? So, what are they called?

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Mom: I think it’s just “White people.”

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: White people? But they’re not white. They’re pale.

[Cut to Pocahontas]

Pocahontas: Guys, stop it. He’s going to hear you.

[John walks in]

John: Phew! I guess my stomach was a little upset. I feel a lot better now.

[Cut to Dad, Mom and Grandpa]

Grandpa: Look. He didn’t even wash. His hands are bone dry.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Dad: So, John, Pocahontas tells us you’re turning 30 soon.

[Cut to John and Pocahontas]

John: Yeah, couple weeks.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Mom: You do know she’s 12, right?

[Cut to John and Pocahontas]

John: I do, I do.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Dad: Well, I see.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: I have an idea. Why don’t we all go around the table and share something that we’re thankful for.

[Cut to everybody]

Mom: Oh, I love that idea. Well, I think—

Grandpa: I’ll start. I’m thankful for our land and our great and mighty chief. Let’s hope he finally builds that wall.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Both: Grandpa.

Grandpa: What? [Cut to Grandpa] We need a wall. I heard those illegal settlers are coming over here with their diseases and guns. And we need to protect our borders.

[Cut to John and Pocahontas]

Pocahontas: That is just so rude and offensive, grandpa.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Dad: Where did you even hear a thing like that?

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: Fox.

[Cut to John and Pocahontas]

Pocahontas: Grandpa, you’ve got to stop talking to that crazy old fox.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: He knows what’s up. He makes a lot more sense than that lying peacock you talk to.

[Cut to John and Pocahontas]

John: You know what? It’s okay. Everybody is entitled to their own opinion.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: Exactly.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Mom: Can we just have a nice thanksgiving dinner without bringing up politics?

[Cut to everybody]

Grandpa: Fine by me.

Dad: Yes.

Pocahontas: Please.

John: You know what? I think I have to excuse myself again.

Pocahontas: Sure. Okay, babe. Grandpa, you’re being a bigot.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Mom: Is John okay? That’s the second time he’s excused himself.

[Cut to Pocahontas]

Pocahontas: Maybe because grandpa keeps freaking him out.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: Or maybe because he’s stealing from us.

[Cut to Pocahontas]

Pocahontas: What? John doesn’t steal.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: I’m just saying, since those illegal showed up a lot of things have gone missing lately. Buffaloes, land.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Dad: Grandpa, the pale—excuse me, white people, have made some good contributions to our land.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: Right. Like those ugly blankets that are getting everybody sick.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Mom: Who told you the blankets are getting people sick?

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: The fox. He knows what’s up. He also said these illegals—

[Cut to Pocahontas]

Pocahontas: Stop calling them illegals. They’re just regular, hardworking people seeking refuge.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: Since when is it our job to take care of this world’s problems?

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Mom: Okay dad, that’s enough.

[John walks in]

John: Hey, guys, I should maybe get going.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: Bone dry again.

[Cut to John and Pocahontas]

Pocahontas: Stop it.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Mom: John, please stay.

Dad: Yeah! I’m sorry a bout my father. He’s just a little old-fashioned.

[Cut to John and Pocahontas]

John: Oh, it’s not that. I just think my stomach is having a hard time digesting this food. I saw some whole corn kernels is my stool and I specifically remember chewing them all.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Dad: Yeah, that happens to me, too.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: Me, too.

[Cut to John and Pocahontas]

Pocahontas: Yeah, it’s something about the skin on the corn, I think it doesn’t break down.

John: Oh.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: That doesn’t make sense because it’s only some of them in my stool.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Mom: Right. Like three or four.

[Cut to John and Pocahontas]

John: Yes, I saw exactly four just now in my stool.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: And I saw three yesterday. Wow. John, I guess we have a few things in common after all.

[Cut to John and Pocahontas]

John: Yes. I guess so. Friends?

[Cut to everybody]

Grandpa: Friends. [John puts his hand forward to shake with grandpa] I’m not touching your hand. You just crapped twice and your hands are bone dry.

John: Oh. Sorry.

Everybody: Grandpa!

[Grandpa stands talking to the viewers]

Grandpa: Hi, folks. I’m Will Ferrell. If you’re anything like me, you know there’s a lot of problems in this crazy, crazy sketch. I mean, white actors playing natives? What is this—2014? But no matter what year it is or what color we are or whether we get our news from a Fox or a peacock, one things for sure—none of us can digest corn. And that’s what’s important. Happy thanksgiving.

[Cheers and applause]

Space Mistakes

Dad… Chance the Rapper

Mom… Ego Nwodim

Beck Bennett

Lervy… Kyle Mooney

Alex Moffat

Announcer: From the producers who enjoyed Apollo 13, Ad Astro, Gravity and The Martian, comes another film about the dangers of space.

[Cut to a kid playing a toy with his father]

Kid: Daddy, why do you have to go to space again?

Chance: ‘Cos that’s where I work son.

Kid: Promise you won’t make a mistake up there.

Chance: I promise, because that would be the worst place to make one.

[The kid falls asleep. His mom is looking at them.]

Ego: You said last time was the last time.

Chance: Baby, what are you so worried about?

Ego: I’m worried you’ll make a mistake. You could crack your helmet, spin too fast, push the wrong thing and the top comes off, your tube could pop, the window could Ka’boom!

[Cut to inside the rocket, Chance and his astronaut colleagues]

Beck: Going to space today. You guys excited?

Lervy: I am. Just hope we don’t make any mistakes up there.

Chance: Well, you know what they say, “In space, no one can hear you make a mistake!”

[They laugh] [Cut to the rocket monitoring station]

Alex: Okay now, 10, 9, 8– remember, no oopsies! 7, 6– I mean it. Everything has to go perfect.

[Cut to inside the rocket ship]

Astronauts: We promise.

Alex: 5!

Chance: Dude, seat belt!

Lervy: Oh, my bad. Nice catch.

Alex: 4!

Lervy: Not working.

Alex: 3!

Beck: Seat belt first, then gloves.

Lervy: I forgot!

Alex: 2!

Chance : What did you do?

Alex: 1!

Lervy: I made a mistake!

[The rocket takes off. Alex falls off and dies.]

Announcer: Space mistakes.

Alex: What happened?

Chance : Lervy, he made a mistake. And because it happened in space, he exploded.

Alex: Dammit!

Beck: Sir, he burst!

Announcer: The film that asks the question, what if you messed up at work, but your work was space?

[Chance is working in his ship. He makes a hole on the shell.]

Chance: Oh no!

Beck: Oh, crap! Oh, no! I dropped the–

[Cut to the rocket monitoring station. Bowen Yang spills his coffee to the computer.]

Bowen Yang: No! A mistake!

Alex: What’s this button do?

Computer: A mistake! Mistake!

Alex: Yikes!

[Cut to Beck screwing the rocket ship from the outside]

Beck: Lefty, righty, tidy loosy– [The screw is loose and hits Beck’s helmet and cracks it] No! No! No!

[Cut to the rocket monitoring station, Alex is on the phone.]

Alex: Mam, it’s your husband. [Cut to Beck’s wife on the phone] He made a mistake.

Ego: Where?

Alex: In space.

Ego: No!

Announcer: Space Mistakes. See it in IMX or on our plane, nothing in between.

Rectix | Season 44 Episode 19

Mom… Aidy Bryant

Emily… Heidy Gardner

Beck Bennett

Dad… Adam Sandler

[Starts with a family sitting on a veranda]

Mom: We are going to get some lemonade so you two behave.

Son:  Okay.

[Mom and Emily leave] [Cut to Dad]

Dad: Well, I’ll tell you that Emily is great. Your mom and I really like her.

[Cut to Son]

Son: Thanks, Pop.

[Son looks disappointed] [Cut to Dad]

Dad: Something on your mind, son?

[Cut to Son]

Son: Actually, yeah. I’m a little embarrassed to say this, but lately I’ve been having a little trouble performing.

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: You mean erectile dysfunction?

[Cut to Son]

Son: Has it ever happened to you?

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Sure has. It happened to me a lot. [Cut to Son agreeing] [Cut to Dad]

But then I found out about new Rectix. [Dad takes a huge pill out] [Cut to Son]

Son: Whoa, that pill is massive, how do you even swallow that thing?

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Ha-ha, you don’t swallow it son. You insert it like an suppository and trust me, it works.

[Cut to Son]

Son: So you put that thing—

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Rectix isn’t like ordinary pills. It has a hard 5 inch capsule when placed into your rectum can stop erectile dysfunction dead in it’s tracks.

[Cut to Son]

Son: And it just dissolves up there?

Dad: No, no, [Cut to Dad and son] that’s the best part, son. It stays put for as long as you need it to work. It even comes with an attached loop [Cut to Dad showing the loop of Rectix] so you can retrieve it when you’re through.

[Cut to Son]

Son: So, it’s a butt plug.

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: A what? No. It’s a pill.

Narrator: Rectix. The all natural, fast-acting male enhancement pill.

[Cut to Son]

Son: Dad, does mom know about this?

[Cut to Mom coming out with lemonades]

Mom: Well, it was actually my idea. I was afraid your dad would never get an erection ever again.

[Cut to Dad and Mom]

Dad: One night your mother said to me, “Lay back, let’s try something.”

[Cut to Son]

Son: I really shouldn’t be hearing this.

[Cut to Dad and Mom]

Dad: Oh, I was skeptical too, son. I remember asking, “What the hell are you doing back there?”

[Cut to Mom]

Mom: And I told him, “Just relax and breathe.”

[Cut to Dad and Mom]

Dad: So I said, “What is that, like a pill or something?”

Mom: And I said, “Sure.”

Dad: And it worked. Immediately.

[Cut to Son]

Son: Okay, I got it, dad.

[Cut to Dad and Mom]

Dad: I tried other methods.

[Cut to Mom]

Mom: But none of those things worked like Rectix vibrating pills.

[Cut to Son]

Son: Wait, so it vibrates too?

[Cut to Mom]

Mom: Of course it does. What did you think? That it doesn’t?

[Cut to Son]

Son: Yeah.

[Cut to Dad and Mom]

Dad: Well, it does. You know what, son, why don’t you borrow mine?

[Cut to Son]

Son: Ew, no.

[Cut to Mom]

Mom: Relax, honey, it’s clean. Every prescription of Rectix is 100% dishwasher safe.

[Cut to Son]

Son: You put that thing in the dishwasher? Stop calling it a prescription. It’s a butt plug.

[Cut to Dad and Mom]

Dad: It’s a pill.

Mom: It’s a pill.

[Emily comes out with a lemonade for herself]

Emily: Umm, this lemonade is amazing.

[Son slaps the glass out of Emily’s hand]

Son: Don’t put your mouth on that!

[Cut to Rectix precaution video]

Narrator: Side effects might include slight discomfort, extreme discomfort and shift in couple’s power dynamics.

[Cut to Dad and Mom]

Mom: Honey, what’s gotten into you?

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Rectix.

[Cut to Son]

Son: Oh, my god.

Dad: It’s a pill.

Sandler Family Reunion | Season 44 Episode 19

Waiter… Chris Redd

Adam Sandler

Ring… Kyle Mooney

Mac… Mikey Day

Shawn Mendez

Ron Bacon… Kenan Thompson

Janet Sandler Bacon… Aidy Bryant

Pete Davidson

Bobby… Melissa Villaseñor

Chubbs… Leslie Jones

Beck Bennett

Mom… Kristen Wiig

Dad… Jimmy Fallon

[Starts with Waiter serving beer to Adam]

Waiter: Here’s your Heineken, Mr. Sandler.

Adam Sandler: Cool.

Waiter: [In Billi Madison voice] So cold! Do you want to drink tiny? Like Billy Madison.

Adam Sandler: I got that, that’s very funny.

Waiter: If you don’t mind me asking, how do you come up with all your characters and stuff?

Adam Sandler: I don’t know, I think they just kind of come to me.

Waiter: That’s kind of a lame answer, all right. Enjoy your reunion.

Adam Sandler: Yeah, there’s lots of Sandlers here, it’s a sandstorm.

Waiter: All right.

[Waiter leaves] [Ring and Mac joins Adam]

Ring: Hello, Mr. Hollywood big shot.

Adam Sandler: It’s cousin Ring, cousin Mac, good to see you.

[Cut to Ring and Mac]

Ring: Yes sir. Habito-poo-poo!

Mac: Habito-pee-poo!

[Cut to Adam]

Adam Sandler: Habito-yahoo!

[Cut to Adam, Ring and Mac]

Mac: Adam, I was so excited when I heard you were coming, I was like, “Habito-woo-hoo!”

Adam Sandler: I don’ know. It’s been forever. How have you guys been?

[Cut to Ring and Mac]

Ring: Trying to get my real estate license now. Who knows, we shall see-hoo!

[Cut to Adam, Ring and Mac]

Adam Sandler: Great! Good luck.

Mac: As for me, [Cut to Ring and Mac] I got a– got-a-divorce. Very messy.

Ring: She was screwing his best friend.

Mac: Ha-ha. Shut up!

Ring: You shut up!

[Cut to Adam]

Adam Sandler: Shut up! Come on! There’s kids here. Oh, my god, is that my nephew Shawn? He’s still at the kids’ table.

[Shawn is sitting at the kid’s table with two other kids]

Shawn: What’s wrong? Want some McDonald’s? Will somebody get this kid a happy meal?

[Cut to Pete with a mic announcing]

Pete: Excuse me. May I have everyone’s attention, please. Hello, Sandlers.

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: Habito-wee-whoo!

Pete: I just wanted to say, big hand for Ron Bacon and Janet Sandler Bacon for planning this whole thing.

[Cut to Janet and Ron]

Janet Sandler Bacon: Our pleasure. A-habida-dibada-doo!

Ron Bacon: Yes, yes. You know, I’m still not great at this, you all are doing an little invisible Clarinet thing. Is that what it is? It doesn’t matter. Slibida-bib-bap!

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: We’re so happy to have cousin Adam this year. Watch what you say about him because you might end up in one of his movies.

[Cut to Adam, Ring and Mac]

Adam Sandler: What? I don’t use your guys for material.

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: I don’t know about that, Adam. Because now I saw a movie where you picked someone who looked just like me. I seen that on the big ‘ol screen and said, “Hey, that’s me up there”.

[Cut to Adam, Ring and Mac]

Adam Sandler: No, I promise you, Bobby, Bouchet is not based on you.

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: I know that, dear, I was talking about the Big Daddy movie.

[Cut to Adam, Ring and Mac]

Adam Sandler: Not that either. I can promise you.

[Cut to Chubbs]

Chubbs: I know Happy Gilmore, the Chubbs was based on me. How do I know this? A, my first name is Chubbs. B, I have a fake hand. And C, I’m a golf instructor. It’s all in the hips. You stole that from me.

[Cut to Adam, Ring and Mac]

Adam Sandler: All right, maybe a borrowed some stuff from you guys. I swear to you, I didn’t do that a lot.

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Yes, sure you didn’t. Everybody’s enjoying the party.

[Beck joins Pete]

Beck Bennett: Hey, Excuse me. Are we going to do the karaoke now?

Pete: Oh, no! The Karaoke is canceled.

Beck Bennett: Oh, okay. Cool. Once again, something that could have been brought to my attention yesterday.

[Cut to Adam, Ring and Mac]

Adam Sandler: I’m going to go say hi to my mother, wish me luck. [Adam walks to his mom] Hi ma, great to see you. What do you think of the reunion? This is a whole family–

Mom: They’re all going to laugh at you.

Adam Sandler: They’re not laughing, they love me.

Mom: No!

Adam Sandler: Come on, ma, be nice.

Mom: They’re all going to laugh at you.

Adam Sandler: No!

Mom: No!

Adam Sandler: Ma, stop.

Mom: No

Adam Sandler: Shut up!

Dad: Why don’t you shut up.

[Dad comes in]

Adam Sandler: Papa. How are you doing?

Dad: [Speaking things that’s not understandable, but Adam Sandler is understand]

Adam Sandler: Oh!

Dad: That’s right, but the doctor says it’s nothing to worry about.

Adam Sandler: Oh, good.

Dad: How about I sing the Sandler family song. I wrote it 70 years ago.

Adam Sandler: No, nobody wants to hear that. I wouldn’t want to do that. And nobody wants to hear that.

Dad: I just want to. I would be great if I did that.

Put on your yarmulke
Here comes Chanukah
So much funukah
To celebrate Chanukah
Chanukah is the festival of lights

Adam Sandler: I agree with mother. Let’s take a picture. Yo, come on, Colbert. Snap us. [Cut to everybody getting together for a family picture] Everyone get in. Okay. Come on. Stop looking at me. Shawn. Come on, take the picture. Take it. Ready? One, two, three.

Everybody: Habito-wee-whoo!

Parents Call | Season 44 Episode 12

Randy… Mikey Day

Chris Redd

Laurie… Melissa Villaseñor

Dad… Beck Bennett

Mom… Halsey

[Starts with Randy and his clients Chris and Laurie. Randy is explaining the office structure to his clients]

Randy: So, here is your office space layout. You’ll see, we kept these structural columns here. We thought it added some interest to he space, kept it from looking like a cookie cutter office building.

[Cut to Chris and Laurie]

Chris: All with the new. I like that.

Laurie: This is the common space.

Randy: Yeah. [Cut to Randy, Chris and Laurie] [ Randy’s phone starts vibrating] It’s– so sorry. Why are my parents calling?

Chris: Oh, you can go ahead and take that.

Randy: I am so sorry. Hello?

[Cut to split screen. Randy at the left, mom and dad at the right.]

Dad: Oh, hey Randy. How are you?

Mom: Hi, honey. How’s everything?

Randy: Mom, you guys are both there. What’s going on?

Dad: Oh, nothing. We just wanted to know if you liked that new grill we got you. We have the same one and we love it.

Randy: Cool. I’m actually at work right now.

Dad: Oh, you’re at work?

Mom: He’s at work–

Dad: Oh, don’t tell him about it.

Mom: It’s okay. Don’t tell him.

Dad: Yes, we won’t tell him.

Randy: Tell me what? You guys have something important to tell me?

Dad: Oh, no, no, we’ll tell you later. You’re at work.

Mom: Sorry, you’re at work.

Randy: No, no, guys. What is it?

Dad: Oh, it’s nothing at all. I shattered all the bones in my leg. Love you. [Dad hangs up the phone] [Cut to Randy, Chris and Laurie]

Randy: Hello?

Chris: Is everything okay.

Randy: Do you guys mind if I call them back. I think my dad, like, broke his leg or something.

Laurie: Oh, of course.

Randy: Yeah. I’m so sorry.

[Randy calls his parents back] [Cut to split screen. Randy at the left, mom and dad at the right.]

Mom: Hello.

Randy: Hey, mom.

Dad: Oh, Randy! This is a surprise. Did you get out of work early.

Randy: No, you just said your legs were shattered?

Dad: Oh, come on buddy? It’s nothing. I was hot doggin’ at the club, rolled the golf cart and it pancaked my legs. Broke all the bones.

Mom: Pancaked them.

Dad: Yeah, but it’s not that big of a deal at all. I’m fine. We shouldn’t have called at all. God, you’re starting to piss me off.

Mom: Get back.

Randy: Dad, are you okay?

Dad: How should I know? I refused medical care at the scene. When your mother had to go last week, they charged us 5 grand for an IV.

Mom: Highway robbery.

Randy: Wait, what happened to mom?

Mom: Nothing. So you never told us. How’s that new grill?

Randy: I don’t care about the stupid grill, mom.

Dad: Oh, stupid. Oh, we’re sorry. The grill we bought you is such a dumb ass. And you know, your mother didn’t want me to tell you, but she got shot. [Dad hangs up the phone] [Cut to Randy, Chris and Laurie]

Randy: What? Oh, my god. I’m so sorry. I think my mom got shot. If you guys want to reschedule?

Chris: No, no, no. Call them back.

Laurie: And you can put them on speaker?

Chris: Yeah, I feel like we are a part of this now.

Randy: Yeah.

[Cut to Mom and Dad. Mom’s both hands are plastered. The phone rings] [Cut to split screen. Randy at the left, mom and dad at the right.]

Dad: Hello?

Randy: Dad?

Dad: Oh, Randy! You’re home.

Randy: No. I’m still at work. Mom, were you shot?

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Mom: Yes, Randy. Don’t make it a big deal. I was on a jog in the woods and I ran through a shooting range. Took five bullets to my thigh. Now, I see on Facebook you are seeing someone?

[Cut to Randy, Chris and Laurie]

Randy: Mom. Stop changing the subject.

Dad: Oh, right. Okay. [Cut to Mom and Dad] How dare your mother take an interest in her son’s love life?

Mom: She’s beautiful.

Dad: Yeah. She’s almost as silly as that little idiot grill.

[Cut to Randy]

Randy: Okay, guys, should I fly out?

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Mom: No, no. We do not need an extra set of hands around the house.

Dad: Yes, we have mine even though you mother’s are completely ruined.

[Cut to Randy]

Randy: Wait, did you say mom’s hands are ruined?

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Dad: Yes, Randy. She ruined her hands in the fall.

[Cut to Randy, Chris and Laurie]

Chris: Ask her what fall.

Randy: I’m going to.

Chris: Okay.

Randy: What fall?

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Mom: My fall, through the hole.

[Cut to Randy, Chris and Laurie]

Randy: Okay, what hole?

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Dad: Randy! The hole in the middle of our house. She fell through it. She braced her fall with her hands and they snapped right off.

Mom: And then they snapped them back.

Dad: What is it you don’t understand? I can’t do it with him.

Mom: He’s pissing me off.

Dad: He’s pissing me off. [Dad stands up with his crutches and starts walking behind] [Cut to Randy, Chris, and Laurie]

Laurie: Hi, sir. This is Laurie. Your son’s client. Why is there a hole in your house?

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Dad: Well, because Laurie, we were installing an elevator because of all the leg mishaps recently.

[Cut to Randy]

Randy: So, why is there not an elevator where the hole is?

[Cut to Mom and Dad. They are annoyed.]

Dad: Think, Randy. Because we changed our mind! All right?

Mom: God, this kid!

Dad: I can handle myself on the stairs just fine. [Door bell rings] I’ll get it.

Mom: You get it.

Dad: [Dad falls off the stiars] Oh, no! My legs! My face! My body is completely pan-caked!

[Cut to Randy]

Randy: Um, okay, you guys. I am going to fly out there first thing tomorrow morning.

[Cut to Mom]

Mom: Oh, good. You can meet Roger. He’s living with us now.

[Cut to Randy]

Randy: Okay, Roger? Who is Roger?

[Cut to Mom]

Mom: Oh, Roger is your identical twin brother we gave up for adoption at birth. Love you. [Mom hangs up the phone]

Another Brothers | Season 44 Episode 11

Mrs. Johnson… Melissa Villaseñor

Mr. Johnson… Mikey Day

Mom… Cecily Strong

Dad… James McAvoy

Aidy Bryant

Kenan Thompson

Jared… Beck Bennett

Spencer… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with a Super Bowl announcer’s sound coming out of a house]

Mrs. Johnson: Listen Dave. [Cut to six adults sitting inside the house watching Super Bowl] Thank you so much for inviting us to your Super Bowl party.

Mr. Johnson: Yeah. And seriously, these potato skins are insane.

Mom: OH, please.

Dad: We love having you.

[Cut to Aidy and Kenan]

Aidy Bryant: Oh, well. I’m just here to keep his eyes off those cheerleaders.

Kenan Thompson: Hey, no promises.

[Cut to everybody laughing] [Spencer and Jared are fighting upstairs]

Spencer: Get off me!

Jared: Get off me!

Mr. Johnson: What was that noise?

Mom: Oh-oh. That’s our boys, [Cut to Mr. and Mrs. Johnson, Dad and Mom] acting up ever since I got remarried.

Dad: Hey, you guys, ya’ll want to meet ‘em?

[Cut to Mr. and Mrs. Johnson]

Mrs. Johnson: Sure.

Dad: Hey, boys, [Cut to everybody] come out down here and make the Johnson’s.

[Jared and Spencer come downstairs fighting]

Spencer: Get off me!

Jared: Get off me!

[Cut to Spencer and Jared]

Spencer: Stop hitting my nuts!

Jared: I’m not hitting your nuts!

Spencer: Get of my nuts!

[Dad sprays Jared and Spencer with water spray]

Jared and Spencer: Ah! Ah! Ah!

[Dad uses leaf blower on Jared and Spencer]

Dad: Boys. Now, come on. What’s gotten into you?

[Cut to Jared and Spencer]

Jared and Spencer: Sorry, sir.

[Cut to Dad, Jared and Spencer]

Dad: Am I going to have to tell you again? Am I going to have to turn this hose on you and blow you again? Or ya’ll goin’ be good boys?

[Cut to Jared and Spencer]

Jared and Spencer: We’ll be good boys, sir.

[Cut to Mr. and Mrs. Johnson, and Mom]

Mrs. Johnson: You keep a leaf blower in the house?

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Well yes. Otherwise they’d be all wet.

[Cut to Mr. and Mrs. Johnson, and Mom]

Mom: Okay, boys, now come say hello to the Johnson’s.

[Cut to Jared and Spencer]

Jared: Hi Mr. and Mrs. Johnson. My name’s Jared. I play basketball.

Spencer: I’m Spencer. I’m younger than him, but I made all stars.

Jared: No, you didn’t

Spencer: Yes, I did. Coach told me.

Jared: You’re a liar!

[Spencer and Jared starts to fight again]

Spencer: Get off me!

Jared: Get off me!

[Cut to Dad, Jared and Spencer] [Dad sprays Jared and Spencer with water spray]

Jared and Spencer: Ah! Ah! Ah!

[Dad uses leaf blower on Jared and Spencer]

Dad: Boys, now, this behavior is unacceptable.

[Cut to Jared and Spencer]

Jared and Spencer: Yes, sir, we’re sorry, sir.

[Cut to Mr. and Mrs. Johnson, and Mom]

Mom: Spencer, come show the Johnson’s a campbell’s what you’ve been working on?

Mr. Johnson: Actually, we kind of want to go now.

Mrs. Johnson: Did you two know about this?

[Cut to Kenan and Aidy]

Aidy Bryant: Yeah, I think we blocked it out.

Kenan Thompson: Yeah. Yeah, we definitely chose to forget.

[Cut to Jared and Spencer]

Spencer: Mr. and Mrs. Johnson, this is my touchdown dance. [Spencer starts to dance]

Jared: What? That’s my touchdown dance. [Jared starts to dance with Spencer]

Spencer: You’re not even doing it right!

Jared: I’m doing it perfect!

Spencer: Oh yeah? Explain this. Ow! Mr. and Mrs. Johnson this is the dance. Right?

[Cut to Mr. and Mrs. Johnson]

Jared: Mr. and Mrs. Johnson is this a dance?

[Cut to Jared and Spencer dancing]

Spencer: Which one of the touchdown dancers Mr. and Mrs Johnson?

Jared: Is this the dance Mr. and Mrs. Johnson?

Spencer: That’s not the dance. [Spencer carries a chair and hits Jared with it]

Jared: You’re dead! [Jared grabs Spencer’s shirt and throws him into TV breaking the TV] Live from the Super Bowl, it’s my brother! He broke the TV. [Jared jumps over Spencer] [Dad sprays Jared and Spencer with water spray] [Dad uses leaf blower on Jared and Spencer]

Dad: Well, that’s the last time, dammit. Ya’ll are embarrassing us in front of our company.

Jared: Sorry sir. He started it.

Spencer: He’s stupid!

[Cut to Jared and Spencer]

Jared:  Oh, I’m stupid? Well, they tried to abandon you. Dad, tell him.

Spencer: Wait, what?

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Oh, god.

Spencer: He’s stupid!

Jared: Go on, dad. Tell him what happened.

Spencer: Dad—what’s he talking about?

[Cut to Dad, Jared and Spencer]

Dad: Well—you know Spence—you know how you were an accident?

Spencer: Yeah.

Dad: And your mama and your first daddy weren’t planning on having a second?

Spencer: Mm-hmm.

[Cut to Mr. and Mrs. Johnson]

Mr. Johnson: Why do you talk to him this way?

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Well, Spence, after you were born, she put you up for adoption, but the family that adopted you, they brought you back.

[Cut to Jared and Spencer]

Spencer: So – so there was – there was nobody that wanted me?

[Cut to Mom]

Mom: No. But you were meant to come back to us, sweetie. And every day since has been the best day of our lives.

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: That’s right, son. Now, why don’t you give each other ten apology kisses.

[Cut to Jared and Spencer]

Spencer and Jared: Aw, yes, sir.

[Cut to Mr. and Mrs. Johnson]

Mr. Johnson: But why, though?

[Cut to Jared and Spencer kissing nine times]

Mom: Hey. [Cut to Mom] That was only nine.

[Cut to Jared and Spencer kissing one more time]

Spencer and Jared: Aw. Good night Mr. and Mrs. Johnson.

[Cut to everyone. Spencer and Jared are running upstairs]

Spencer: Go!

Mom: Well, sorry you guys. I think the TV might be broken.

[Cut to Aidy and Kenan]

Aidy Bryant: Yeah, your son’s head went through it.

[Cut to everyone]

Dad: Hey, ya’ll want to go upstairs and watch with the boys?

Everybody: No.

[Dad runs upstairs]