Author: Ajay Kumar

Jasmine and Aladdin

Aladdin… Pete Davidson

Jasmine… Kim Kardashian

Jourtney… Cecily Strong

Ezekiel Elliott… Kenan Thompson

Genie… Bowen Yang

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: You’re watching the Disney channel. We now return to the 1992 Aladdin when Aladdin was still white.

[Cut to Aladdin with Jasmine flying on his carpet.]

Aladdin: Wow. From up here, we can see the entire middle east where I’m from.

Jasmine: This is so beautiful, Aladdin. I’ve never got to see what it’s like outside of the palace. But it’s even better seeing it with you.

Aladdin: Jasmine, there’s something I need to tell you.

Jasmine: What? What’s the matter? Do you feel self-conscious because I’m the daughter of the sultan and you’re just a low street rat?

Aladdin: Oh, I think street rat might be a slur but okay. It’s not that.

Jasmine: Are you intimidated that I’m friends with a ton of wealthy celebrities and your only friend is a monkey?

Aladdin: Again, not nice. But it’s something else. Jasmine, as we start getting more intimate, I’m just a little concerned that physically I can’t handle you.

Jasmine: What do you mean?

Aladdin: I mean that if we go all the way, you might break me. My thing might just break.

Jasmine: Don’t be silly.

Aladdin: I wish I was being silly. But look at us. You’re a lot of woman and I’m so frail because all I eat is stolen bread.

Jasmine: Aladdin, relax. I really like you. I really do.

Aladdin: And I really like you too. I want to do everything with you. See the world and laugh together and sing songs and do sex.

Jasmine: I wouldn’t call it doing sex.

Aladdin: I’m just– I’m worried that if I try to go in, I might not make it in all the way there.

Jasmine: Aladdin, don’t worry. I’m sure you’re more than enough man for me.

Aladdin: Ah! Thanks, Jasmine. Hey, out of curiosity, what were your other boyfriends like?

Jasmine: Well, I guess I dated a few athletes and some rappers, and I dated the king of Uganda for a while and that was crazy.

[Aladdin fake laughing]

[Jourtney and Ezekiel Elliott come near Aladdin and Jasmine flying on their own carpet. Ezekiel Elliott is holding a football.]

Jourtney: Oh, hey, Jasmine. Cool carpet.

Jasmine: Hey, Jourtney. [to Aladdin] That’s my sister, Jourtney. We all have ‘J’ names.

Jourtney: And this is my new boyfriend, Ezekiel Elliott, of the Dallas Cowboys.

Ezekiel Elliott: What’s up, Jasmine? Ay, little dude! Jasmine taking you on a little carpet ride for your little birthday?

Aladdin: You don’t have to say little in front of everything. It’s actually my carpet.

Ezekiel Elliott: Oh, that’s nice. Little guy’s got his own little carpet.

Jourtney: You like sports, little guy?

Ezekiel Elliott: Ay, you want autographed ball for your little birthday?

Aladdin: I don’t. I mean, sure. Yeah. Actually, yeah.

Ezekiel Elliott: What is it? Al-ladda? You know what? I’ma just put little Al. [signs the ball and passes it to Aladdin. Aladdin misses the catch.] There you go, buddy.

Jourtney: Oh, his tiny hands dropped the ball.

Ezekiel Elliott: Oh! Bye, Jasmine. Bye, little Al.

Jourtney and Ezekiel Elliott: Whee! [Jourtney and Ezekiel Elliott fly away]

Jasmine: Okay, now, where were we?

Aladdin: Jasmine, I don’t think I can do this. I mean, I want to but when you sat on my lap the other day, I think you could feel how much wanted to.

Jasmine: Oh. I thought that was just a roll of life savers.

Aladdin: Alright. That’s it. Genie, please, Genie.

[Genie appears]

Genie: You summoned?

Aladdin: Yeah. I’m ready to use my third wish.

Genie: Oh wow. The one you were saving to set me free?

Aladdin: Yeah, we’re gonna scrap that. You see, I want you to make me like pinocchio, but like, down there.

Jasmine: You don’t have to wish for that.

Genie: It’s fine. They always promise me freedom but at the end of the day, it’s always bigger penis. As you wish!

[Aladdin looks at his penis]

Aladdin: Oh! Wow! Thanks, Genie. Check it out, Jasmine.

Jasmine: Wow, that is better. Even though it’s the wrong color. But you really didn’t have to do that. I mean, I like you just the way you are. Now, are you gonna kiss me or not?

Aladdin: I sure am, Jasmine.

[Aladdin kisses Jasmine]

[looks at his penis again] Move over, king of Uganda! Oh, no! He didn’t give me balls!

Genie: [singing] A whole new world

Facebook Hearings Cold Open

Mr. Blumenthal… Mikey Day

Frances Haugen… Heidi Gardner

Dianne Feinstein… Cecily Strong

John Kennedy… Kyle Mooney

Ted Cruz… Aidy Bryant

Lindsey Graham… James Austin Johnson

Cory Booker… Chris Redd

Mark Zuckerberg… Alex Moffat

Tom… Pete Davidson

[Starts with channel show schedule]

Male voice: You’re watching C-SPAN on the Saturday night. Wow. We now return to coverage of the Facebook Hearings In Congress.

[Cut to the hearing]

[cheers and applause]

Mr. Blumenthal: Once again, I would like to thank the Facebook whistleblower for coming forward.

Frances Haugen: Thank you. It’s nice to be in an office with no skateboards.

Mr. Blumenthal: Now, my colleagues are eager to ask you questions about the inner workings of Facebook and Instagram. The chair recognizes senator Feinstein of California.

Dianne Feinstein: Ms. Haugen, I applaud your testimony here today. What Facebook has done is disgraceful and you better believe congress will be taking action… right after we pass the infrastructure bill, raise the debt ceiling, prosecute those responsible for the January 6th insurrection and stop Trump from using executive privilege even though he’s no longer president. After all that, you watch out Facebook!

Frances Haugen: Well, as a former Facebook engineer, I’m here today because I have seen first hand how Facebook products harm children, stoke division and weaken our democracy.

Dianne Feinstein: I appreciate that. My question is I have 2000 friends on Facebook. Is that good?

Frances Haugen: Is it good?

Dianne Feinstein: Like, is that a lot? 2000 sounds like a lot. How many does Drake have? 4000?

Frances Haugen: I think he has like, 50 million.

Dianne Feinstein: Oh my god. No wonder he never answered my poke.

Mr. Blumenthal: Thank you, senator Feinstein. The chair recognizes senator Kennedy of Louisiana.

John Kennedy: Ms. Haugen, you’ve told us a lot of disturbing information about this so called ‘Algorithm’. I just wanna clear up a few points. Where is it?

Frances Haugen: The algorithm?

John Kennedy: Yes. Do you have it with you now?

Frances Haugen: No. But there are algorithms in all our phones and computers.

John Kennedy: Not mine. I got a JitterBug flip phone. Only lets me call my son or the hospital. Now, exactly how big is this algorithm? Stop me when I get there. [John Kennedy shows a gap between his two palms to show the size of algorithm.]

Frances Haugen: Please stop.

John Kennedy: Woo-whii! That’s pretty big. No further questions.

Mr. Blumenthal: Senator Cruz from Texas.

Ted Cruz: Yes. I was particularly drawn to your testimony about bullying online, how some teenagers and even some adult man are bullied almost constantly.

Frances Haugen: It’s very disturbing.

Ted Cruz: So, I’m wondering how do you turn off that feature on Facebook where everyone comments on all your posts and says you’re bad and they hate you.

Frances Haugen: Well, there’s an option to turn off comments.

Ted Cruz: [taking notes] Okay. Excellent. Now, I’m also concerned about the toxic extremist groups you mentioned. I’ve seen groups with hateful names like “Ted Cruz sucks” or “Ted Cruz is the real zodiac killer” or “How Ted Cruz have kids when he a virgin”. Now, shouldn’t you flag those as misinformation?

Frances Haugen: “Ted Cruz sucks” isn’t really misinformation. It’s just one person’s opinion.

Ted Cruz: Well, that’s more than one person’s opinion.

Mr. Blumenthal: Thank you. The chair recognizes senator Lindsey Graham of South Carolina.

Lindsey Graham: Thank you, Ms. Haugen. I believe that Instagram is toxic to the body image to the impressionable young Americans, specifically me. I see all these beefy guys on my discover page and I’m lifting and I’m sweating and nothing’s popping. No biceps, no triceps, no delts. I’m trying to get swole for Comic-Con but it is so hard to cosplay as a boy when you don’t have the V. Everyone knows you need the V.

Frances Haugen: I’m sorry. Is there a question?

Lindsey Graham: I’m just saying these young girls are trying to get a face that don’t even exist. They want the fox eye, the high cheek, Emily Ratajkowski brow, they’re doing botox, Juvéderm, Kybella, Restylane, and I’m like, “Girl, that ain’t a face. That’s a filter.” I’m sorry, I’m bad.

Mr. Blumenthal: [clears his throat] I’m just gonna move on. Senator Cory Booker.

Cory Booker: Thank you, Ms. Haugen. I was particularly disturbed by your testimony about how Facebook choose profits over the well being of our children. Rosario and I were discussing this very issue just the other day. Rosario Dawson.

Frances Haugen: Right.

Cory Booker: Yeah, she and I are… um… dating.

Frances Haugen: That’s great.

Cory Booker: So, my question is, does that make sense? Right? Like, when I stand next to her in a photo, that looks regular?

Oh, I don’t feel comfortable answering that.

Lindsey Graham: Ms. Haugen. I have another question. It’s been burning a back hole in my pocket. When you open an incognito window on, does that prevent god from seeing what you’re googling?

Frances Haugen: You know, that sounds like maybe a question for the bible.

Lindsey Graham: And I will ask the bible. Thank you, Ms. Haugen.

Mr. Blumenthal: Senator Kennedy, you have a follow up?

John Kennedy: Yeah. Uh, Ms. Haugen, could you explain how this photo showed up in my feed?

[There’s a picture of a group of people cosplaying different characters]

Frances Haugen: What is that?

John Kennedy: That’s what I’d like to know. It looks like the cast from the live action version of Space Jam is taking a selfie?

Ted Cruz: Now, is that pornographic?

John Kennedy: Not yet. But it feels like it’s heading there?

Dianne Feinstein: I had one in my feed as well. What is this?

[There’s a picture of a girl turning into a mouse]

Is Facebook pressuring teens to do this? To slowly morph into mice? Is this the Stewart Little challenge?

Frances Haugen: No. I think that’s an image from an old book series called Animorphs.

Lindsey Graham: Oh my god. That looks like something I found on the dark web.

Ted Cruz: Oh, that reminds me, is the dark web the same as black Twitter?

Frances Haugen: Oh my god!

Lindsey Graham: Let’s try to keep these questions pertinent. Now, what about Squid Game? What is that?

Dianne Feinstein: Oh. America is in a lot of debt right now. Should we do a Squid Game?

Ted Cruz: You know, I was put in a Squid Game recently and they made me the guy from Spongebob. “When Texas is freezing and you in Mexico.”

John Kennedy: I gotta ask about this one too. [There’s a meme that looks like a fruit is high] “When the edible kicks in and you da substitute.”

Ted Cruz: Is that what the kids are calling a may-may (meme).

Cory Booker: There’s this one too. [There’s a meme that shows a cartoon wearing turban and a cartoon with hair loss.] “How it started and how it’s going.” Is this making teens feel bad about their hair loss?

Frances Haugen: Guys, you don’t have to do this.

Dianne Feinstein: Okay, one more. [There’s a meme with two guys smiling] “When you meet bitches that like vegetables.” Because that came up when I searched for “Tom Brady old face”.

Mr. Blumenthal: Guys, order. Please. Stop showing Ms. Haugen memes you found online.

Ted Cruz: It’s may-may (meme).

Mr. Blumenthal: Let’s adjourn for lunch. But first I’m told we have a video response coming in from the Founder of a very important social media site.

[Cut to Mark Zuckerberg at his home]

Mark Zuckerberg: Hi everyone.

Mr. Blumenthal: No! No! We don’t need any more from that guy. I mean, let’s go to the OG social media king.

[Cut to Tom from MySpace.]

Tom: Oh, hey. I’m Tom from MySpace. Remember me? I was harmless. I’m not doing any of that weird algorithm stuff. We barely maintained the website. So, come on by. Check out your friend’s band from 20 years ago and let’s make America top eight again. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Costco Meeting

Jalissa… Sarah Sherman

Kyle Mooney

Glitter Revolution… Bowen Yang, Kim Kardashian, Aidy Bryant

Kyle: Well, Jalissa, usually interns aren’t allowed to present to the VP of Costco marketing, but I’m excited to hear your ideas.

Jalissa: I won’t let you down, sir. As you know, Costco scales are sky high among middle aged people. But teenagers ever only come to our stores to do kick-flips in the parking lot.

Kyle: Um-hmm. How do we get them to come inside?

Jalissa: Well, here’s what we know. Teens love music. So, we need a pop group that’s going to speak to my generation. Please welcome Glitter Revolution.

[Three members of Glitter Revolution walk in. They’re all dressed up in pink tight clothes.]

Aidy: Hello, Costco. Glitter Revolution is here.

Kyle: So, this is Glitter Revolution?

Kim: Hey, you all corporate freaks.

Bowen: Are you ready to have your khakis explode from the back?

Aidy: We’re a three person bop factory where the smoke stacks go…

All: Hoo-hoo!

Bowen: We are Glitter Revolution.

Kim: And we want to know what the hell is up, Costco?

Kyle: This definitely isn’t the Eagles. But I’m here to learn.

Aidy: Well, thank you warehouse savings legend. Let’s hit it.

[music playing]

Attention Costco shoppers.

Bowen: [singing] Doo-doo-doo-da-da-da-da-da-dee-dee
bulk bitches only
peanut brittle in bulk

Aidy: Aquarium rocks in bulk

Kim: Humidifiers in bulk

Aidy: And a can of tuna that’s one foot tall

Bowen: Doo-doo-doo-da-da-da-da-da-dee-dee

Aidy: Big bulky bitches

Bowen: Come to the bomb

[They end the song with a pose]

Kyle: Well, our teen customers are gonna absolutely stand this. I close my eyes and I’m seeing Olivia Rodrigo buying bags of beef Wellington.

Jalissa: Exactly. And you won’t believe this but they write all their songs from scratch.

Kyle: Just like the Eagles.

Bowen: That’s right. And we took a little research trip yesterday.

Kim: It was iconic. We sampled Bagel Bites next to a forklift.

Aidy: Yeah. We each got $4 prescription eyeglasses.

Bowen: And yeah, we all bought George W. Bush’s new book.

Kim: And that’s when we realized Costco is such a vibe.

Bowen: This next song is about the famous Costco restaurant.

[music playing]

Aidy: Attention Costco diners.

Bowen: Hey boy, are you hungry? 

Kim: Hey boy, chicken caesar 

Aidy: Hey boy, got a $1.5 

All: Coz you can get me hotdog

Bowen: Yeah, you can get me hotdog

[They end the song with a pose]

Kyle: That’s actually the best song I’ve ever heard.

Aidy: Yeah. It’s such a slay that Kirkland brand can be anything.

Kim: Kirkland brand is deli meat, fleece, water bottles…

Bowen: And yeah, tyres too. Slay car.

Kyle: Glitter Revolution, here’s what I can do. I’d like to offer you a $5 million 10 year contract on one condition. I wanna hear you diss our competitors.

Jalissa: Glitter Revolution, show them the track where you drag Costco’s enemies asses to hell.

Bowen: Hah! Order up, legend. This song is called Flop Shop.

[music playin]

Aidy: Attention Costco rivals, tongue lashing coming for you.

Bowen: Walmart, you’re a flop shop

Kim: Trader Joe’s, you’re a flop shop

Bowen: Amazon is quitting in her boots, bitch

Aidy: Best Buy, get F’ed

Kim: Sam’s Club, go to hell

Aidy: Target, suck a toe

All: Every other store found dead in the ditch

[They end the song with a pose]

[Kyle whispers on Jalissa’s ear]

Jalissa: I’m so sorry, Glitter Revolution. My boss says that after hearing that third track, we cannot give you the $5 million Costco brand deal.

Kyle: Instead, we’re gonna have to give you the $25 million deal.

Bowen: Yeah!

Kyle: By the way, how old are you guys?

Kim: We’re all 15, except for she’s 32 and I’m 30.

Bowen: And I’m 45.

Bowen: [singing] Doo-doo-doo-da-da-da-da-da-dee-dee
bulk bitches only

Womens Talk Show

Ego Nwodim

Charlette… Cecily Strong

Dee-dee… Heidi Gardner

Maney… Aidy Bryant

Doctor… Owen Wilson

[Starts with the show intro]

[Cut to the show stage. There are four women sitting at the table.]

Ego: Welcome back to The Talking where we discuss everything that women can have an opinion about at EgoEgo:Dee-dee0 in the morning. Later, we’ll talk about Biden’s infrastructure bills, but first, Crock Pot lasagne. This sounds gross to me. Anyone else?

Charlette: You know, I have a question. What’s an air fryer? What is it?

Dee-dee: Ladies, if something’s fried, I won’t eat it.

Ego: Dee-dee, don’t talk like that.

Maney : Now look, as you all know, my husband is very well endowed, okay? And he actually cooks dinner for us and he loves the air fryer.

Charlette: Okay, here’s what I don’t get. How does air fry something? How does air make it fry?

Maney : Charlette, none of us know. And I don’t really love how you asked that.

Charlette: How did I ask?

Maney : You have a lot of debt.

Charlette: How did I ask?

Maney : You have a lot of debt.

Charlette: How did I ask?

Maney : You have a lot of debt.

Ego: Okay. Okay. Ladies, moving on, the stock market.

All: Hmm.

Dee-dee: I like it.

Charlette: See, I do too.

Maney : I don’t know if you ladies know this but–

Charlette: Don’t say it.

Maney : Well, you don’t know what I’m going to say.

Ego: Alright, go ahead.

Maney : Okay. My husband is very well endowed

Charlette: Yea, you just said that.

Maney : Yea, your children are rude.

Charlette: You are a bad friend.

Maney : Yea, your children are rude.

Charlette: You are a bad friend.

Maney : Yea, your children are rude.

Charlette: You are a bad friend.

Ego: Ladies, please, enough. Enough.

[a doctor walks in]

Doctor: [to Dee-dee] Hello. I’m sorry. I need to inform you of your covid test results.

Dee-dee: Oh, hi. Here?

Doctor: Yes, ma’am. I just received them and this is where you are. So, I brought them here. I’m gonna have to confirm some information.

Dee-dee: Okay. Do we have to do this on air?

Doctor: Yea. It has to be on TV for HIPAA reasons. We either can’t tell anybody or have to tell everybody. No middle ground.

Dee-dee: Okay.

Doctor: Can I have your full name?

Dee-dee: Dee-dee Calresian.

Doctor: Correct. Date of birth.

Dee-dee: May EgoDee-deeth.

Doctor: May EgoDee-deeth what?

Dee-dee: Nineteen… eighty… two.

Ego: Damn Dee-dee, you’re younger than you look.

Dee-dee: Thanks! Wait. Hey!

Doctor: And what have you done in the last 72 hours?

Dee-dee: Like, in general?

Doctor: Yes.

Dee-dee: Came to work, googled myself. I don’t know.

Doctor: Very well. Unfortunately, your covid test came back positive. So, I’m afraid you’re going to have to come with me.

Dee-dee: No! Well, bye everybody.

Ego: Well, viewers, it looks like Dee-dee had a breakthrough case. It happens. Obviously we’ve all been vaccinated dozens, dozens, dozens of times.

Maney : Yeah, wow! Well, she is going to be sad to miss this next segment. Because today, we’re talking to the leader of the Vatican himself, the Pope.

Ego: No. Help me out here. Is it the Pope or da’ Pope?

Maney : I think it’s just Pope.

Charlette: I can’t keep up.

Ego: Well, look. In just a minute, Pope is gonna tell us about his foreign plans. Do you ladies switch your purse for fall? I don’t.

Charlette: I only switch for summer. Are we doing Halloween this year?

Maney : Yea, my tree’s up.

[Doctor walks in again]

Oh, okay. The man is back

Doctor: [to Maney ] Yea, ma’am, I need to speak with you to do some contact tracing. Have you been in contact with anyone who has had tested positive for covid in the past 72 hours?

Maney : Well, you just took Dee-dee away for having covid.

Doctor: Good memory. Can you confirm your name?

Maney : Yea. Maney Talkin.

Doctor: And your number of sexual partners?

Maney : Oh. Just one.

Doctor: Okay. That’s not what I have here.

Maney : I’m sorry. Could we go to commercial?

Charlette: Oh, they’re saying we ran out.

Maney : Of commercials?

Doctor: Well, the bad news is one of you ladies also tested positive but I understand you’re on live TV. So, I wanna be discreet about this. I think I’m just gonna put my hand on the head of the person who has covid.

[Doctor slowly puts his hand on Maney ‘s head]

Maney : Okay. Bye, everyone.

Ego: Wow! Well, this is very bizarre because I cannot stress enough how many times we’ve all been vaccinated.

Charlette: Countless times.

Ego: Well, let’s go on to our next topic, women buying their own engagement ring?

Charlette: I think the boy should buy it.

[The doctor walks in again and holds Charlette]

Well, sir?

Doctor: I’m sorry. We’re gonna have to remove you but I didn’t want to make a big deal of it.

Charlette: I’ve got covid?

Doctor: No. You have HPV.

Charlette: Does that mean I can’t be on TV?

Doctor: It does.

[Ego is alone on the table now]

Ego: Wow. Okay, well, looks like it’s just me now. Okay, wait, no. I’m getting word. Good news is they were false positives. Not the HPV though. See you next time!

Weekend Update Pete Davidson on the Met Gala

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set]

Colin Jost: Last month MET Gala, a fund raising event at the Metropolitan Museum of Art where celebrities typically wear outrageous costumes was criticized by some as elitist. For more on this is someone who went to the Gala, Pete Davidson.

[cheers and applause]

Pete Davidson: Yeah. Hello. Thank you. Thank you, Colin. So, Colin, how did you enjoy the MET?

Colin Jost: Oh, I actually didn’t go this year.

Pete Davidson: Really? So, wait! This isn’t you? [There’s a picture of someone wearing a full head mask on with sharp nails mohawk and a suit.] Who was I talking to all night?

Colin Jost: Did you have fun at the Gala?

Pete Davidson: Oh, it was amazing. [laughing] No, it was amazing. I got to go to the coolest even of the year and I can now say I’ve been in a museum.

Colin Jost: I did see some people were commenting on your outfit.

Pete Davidson: Yeah, I don’t know why. [there’s a picture of Pete Davidson on his MET Gala outfit.] That’s a cool dress. I look like James Bond at Quinceanera. I look like one of the three blind mice sold fentanyl. [cheers and applause] Thank you. Oh, don’t do that. No. But the truth is I already wear a dress or paint my nails sometimes, just because I like making my uncles uncomfortable.

Colin Jost: Yeah. What do they think of the outfit?

Pete Davidson: Well, my uncle Steve saw it. He was like, “Hey, I don’t get it. But whatever makes you happy. Alright? You’re still walking in my house. I’ll just put the seat down when you’re over.”

Colin Jost: So, he’s afraid that people will think you’re gay?

Pete Davidson: Yes. Just because I wore a dress. Meanwhile, here’s him at my age.

[There’s a picture of a guy who has a long curly hair and is wearing boxers and sleeveless shirt.]

That’s my uncle who’s worried I looked gay. Meanwhile, he grew up in the 80s which somehow the gayest and the most homophobic generation of all time. All the songs were about the boys and how they’re back in town. Also, his favorite movie is Top Gun. That’s as close to a movie about men being in love with each other as the 80s allowed. It’s like Brokeback in the sky. I just don’t get where guys his age are coming from. I mean, have you ever asked a man in his 40s or over 50 what they did for fun growing up? They’ll say, “Oh, we waited for our friends to pass out. Then we’d all take pictures of our balls in his face.” You know. “The men were men!”

Colin Jost: So, wait. Was your uncle actually upset?

Pete Davidson: Yeah, he was upset. But it doesn’t take much. He was just mad that Chris Pratt isn’t Italian but he’s playing Super Mario. I say why all anger at this Chris Pratt though? He’s a sweetheart. He’s a lovely guy. I mean what? You just make one bad movie and then people hate you? is that true, Colin? Did people hate you after Tom & Jerry? [laughter] No, I’m kidding. I’m kidding. It was actually the perfect pandemic movie because it made sure there’d be no large gatherings at movie theaters.

Colin Jost: Okay. Well, Pete Davidson–

Pete Davidson: Wait, I’m not done. Bring up my dress again. I got one more. [Picture of Pete Davidson at MET Gala appears] I look like Tilda Swinton on Casual Friday.

Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everyone!

Pete Davidson: I can’t believe I’m back.

Weekend Update Pays Tribute to Norm Macdonald

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of a chimpanzee at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Researchers in Uganda have observed a chimpanzee masturbating with a plastic bottle. Once full, the bottle was capped and sold as Dasani. [Picture changes to Dasani]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Eminem at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: During the opening day of Eminem’s new Detroit restaurant, the rapper surprised guests by serving them pasta himself. Not to be outdone, [picture changes to Macklemore wearing Olive Garden staff dress serving tea] Macklemore got fired from the Olive Garden.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Barack Obama at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Barack Obama has been criticized by Chicago residents who claim that his new presidential library will lead to gentrification. For me, it’s another painful reminder that Obama is half white.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Onlyfans logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A Colorado woman who posts on Onlyfans said that praying before sex with her husband allows her to experience a threesome with god. A threesome that doesn’t end until thy kingdom comes.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Well guys, it is a bitter sweet night for us tonight.

Michael Che: Yes. On September 14th, our friend Norm Macdonald passed away.

Colin Jost: Right. Norm is the reason that I ever wanted to do Weekend Update and so tonight, we thought we turn the last few jokes of Update over to Norm.

[Cut to old videos of Norm Macdonald]

Norm Macdonald: Thanks. I’m Norm Macdonald and this is the Fake News. At the White House this week, president Clinton officially came out against same sex marriages. What’s more? The president said he is not too crazy about opposite sex marriages either.

A new airport plan for San Diego would actually be located three miles out in the pacific ocean. Built on 40xMichael Che0 ft. floating cylinders. It’s all part of a plan by city officials to have a huge disaster.

A French man who calls himself the Snake Man was arrested this week after climbing up the side of a Manhattan high rise. Yes, he climbed right up the side of a high rise… just like a snake.

In a brilliant move during closing argument Simpson attorney Johnnie Cochran put on a knit cap prosecutor saying O.J. wore the night he committed the murders. Although O.J. may have heard his case when he suddenly blurted out, “Hey, easy with that. That’s my lucky stabbing hat.”

And that’s the way it is, folks. Goodnight and good luck.

Weekend Update NBA Vaccinations Disney World Turns 50

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of NBA logo and coronavirus vaccine with headline ‘Unvaccinated players not paid for missing games’ at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The NBA announced that unvaccinated players will not be paid for any games missed due to local vaccine mandates. But that won’t matter. NBA players have a long proud history of losing money because they refuse to use protection.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Caduceus at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: [laughing] Glad I didn’t tell that joke. A new study finds that young adults with depression have a higher risk of dementia later in life. Which explains Billy Eilish’s upcoming album, “Where am I?”

[Picture changes to a bucket of paint and a brush]

Purdue University researchers have created the whitest paint on record. The paint is so white, I am his favorite part of SNL.

[audience laughing]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of eggs at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A group of online SLUS are trying to track down individual who has been pelting Chicago residents with raw eggs. So, good news, Chicago may finally be running out of bullets.

[Picture changes to Walt Disney World castle]

This year marks the fifth year anniversary of Disney World. To celebrate turning 50, Disney has opened a new ride ‘Mr. Goofy’s Wild Colonoscopy’.

Weekend Update Democrats Delay Infrastructure Vote R Kelly Found Guilty

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of a calendar on October Michael Che0Michael Che0 page at left top corner.]

Very nice to be back with you. First show last season, covid was raging everywhere. There was no vaccine. We were in the middle of intense election. Just before we went on the air, the producers were like, “Hey, real quick. The president might be dying. Anyway, have fun out there.” It was exciting time for the show. Big story this year… Infrastructure. I guess that’s an improvement on survival of the human race level, but it’s not great for TV. So, we can all just pretend to be excited about this next joke. I’d really appreciate it.

[The picture changes to Capitol building]

The Infrastructure bill has been delayed indefinitely. So, I guess we’ll just cross that bridge when it collapses on top of us.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at right top corner.]

Michael Che: President Biden met with house of democrats yesterday to make a case for his build back better budget plan. No matter what you think of Biden’s plan, you got to admire the confidence of a guy with a stutter naming something the Build Back Better budget plan.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Biden getting a vaccine at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Biden also got his covid booster shot at the White House live on camera and based on this photo, it either really hurt… or felt really good.

[Picture changes to logo o Pfizer]

Pfizer has also submitted data to the FDA to approve it’s covid vaccine for kids under 11, which means they could be vaccinated by Halloween. Because what goes better with Halloween than needles? [Picture changes to a chocolate bar having needles inside it.]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of MERCK capsules at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Pharmaceutical company MERCK announced that it has developed an experimental antiviral pill that can treat people infected with covid. The treatment is just waiting for approval from either FDA or The Joe Rogan Experience.

[Picture changes to R. Kelly]

Singer R. Kelly was found guilty of racketeering and sex trafficking this week but won’t be sentenced until next May. After R. Kelly’s lawyers successfully negotiated, one more school year. In the wake of the R. Kelly verdict, there’s a growing movement online to music streaming services to remove his music. I mean after all, streaming is basically what got him in trouble in the first place.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a cross and a vaccine.]

Welcome back, Colin.

Colin Jost: It’s hard to transition out of that. Well, some catholics– [audience laughing] Some catholics around the country are claiming religious exemption to the covid vaccine. Because there’s nothing more catholic than letting someone else die for your sins.

 

Weekend Update A Black Woman Whos Been Missing for Ten Years

Colin Jost

Missing black woman… Ego Nwodim

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost:  Well, there’s been a lot of media coverage about a missing woman from Long Island, with some calling it another example of missing white woman syndrome since minority women are rarely given the same attention. Here with her thoughts is a black woman who has been missing for ten years.

[Missing black woman slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Welcome. Welcome.

Missing black woman: It’s good to be here, Colin. Honestly, it’s good to be anywhere because I had been missing, okay? It’s so frustrating. There was a white woman who went missing the same time as me and look at the photo they put out of her. [A picture of a white lady appears] Just gorgeous. Hair and make up all done. Make up, nails, all of that. Now, look at the photo they used for me. [A picture of Missing black woman appears and it’s not a good picture.] Who the hell wants to find that? Huh? I look like old dirty bastard’s dirtiest sister. And look at the white lady’s reward. $10,000. That’s a new car. Now, check out the reward for me. A $15 gift card for Chili’s Too. You got to go to an airport to use that, Colin. They’re offering chips and guacamole to find a human soul. It’s not right. And this is the worst part. At the top of my photo, they put ‘Wanted’. I’m not wanted. I’m missing! If I was wanted, I probably wouldn’t be missing. Plus the white girl got amber alert. Oh boy, every iPhone in the room started beeping and buzzing. They only put out my disappearance on Cricket Wireless. And if you opened the alert, it charged you $2.99.

Colin Jost: That is rough.

Missing black woman: Yeah.

Colin Jost: And how are you treated by the media?

Missing black woman: Not great. The newspaper headline about her disappearance was on the front page, okay? And it said “White virginal dime piece ripped from the hands of her loving, still married parents.” Not exactly sure why they needed to flaunt their marriage on missing person section. Well, okay. And mine was on page C-15 and that one read “Girl not home for 40 days, probably nothing, family cool with it.”

Colin Jost: That’s by the Obituaries.

Missing black woman: Yeah.

Colin Jost: Now, do you think that the media has to recognize its own bias in this?

Missing black woman: Oh, it’s not just the media, Colin. Even in the movies, black women can’t get attention. White women had “Gone Girl”, “Gone Baby Gone”, “Where In The World Did That Gone Girl Go?” The best black woman got was “Madea’s Witness Protection”.

Colin Jost: That’s tough. Yes.

Missing black woman: And do you remember “Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri”?

Colin Jost: Oh, yeah.

Missing black woman: Yeah, that was three billboards for one white girl. All I got was a flyer at McDonald’s that said “You’ve seen this bitch? Either way, we good.”

Colin Jost: Well, I would just like to say that here in Weekend Update, we pledge all we speak up for those without voices.

Missing black woman: Okay. Because yesterday your co-anchor posted [picture of Michael Che’s Insta post appears] “What did R. Kelly even do?”

Michael Che: What did he do? I mean, you don’t want to answer.

Colin Jost: A black woman who’s been missing for 10 years, everyone.

Missing black woman: Ya’ll haven’t even asked my name.

Colin Jost: What is your name?

Missing black woman: Dont!

Splitting the Check

Jackie… Owen Wilson

Ego Nwodim

Waiter… Aristotle Athari

Kenan Thompson

Cecily Strong

Bob… Alex Moffat

Heidi Gardner

[Starts with a group of adults at a restaurant]

Jackie: Anyway, I spent a lot of time defending sea world but they really do a terrific job with the fish.

Ego: Cool.

[waiter walks in with the check]

Waiter: Here’s your check. Whenever you’re ready. No rush.

Jackie: He was great, by the way. I think we tip him, right?

[Kenan nods his head]

Cecily: Okay. So, how should we do this?

Bob: I guess I could put it on my card?

Ego: No, no, you don’t have to do that.

Jackie: If it’s easier, we can just split it six ways.

Cecily: Well, some people had more than others.

Jackie: Did they?

Cecily: Let’s just go through and see who ordered what.

Jackie: Okay. That’s fair.

Cecily: Diet coke.

Kenan: That’s me.

Cecily: Coke zero.

Jackie: That’s me.

Cecily: Sprite zero.

Jackie: Me as well. Just obeying my thirst.

Cecily: Iced tea.

Heidi: Me.

Cecily: Arnold Palmer.

Jackie: Moi.

Cecily: Arnold Palmer with tequila.

Jackie: Ha-ha. Someone had to get the party started.

Cecily: Whole roasted chicken, extra potatoes.

Jackie: Sounds familiar.

Cecily: Flat iron pork chop, sub out broccoli for potatoes.

Jackie: Okay, no, no, no. Wait. That, I ordered for the table. Although, I probably ate the lion share of it.

Cecily: 98 ounce quarter house steak.

Jackie: Don’t look at me because I didn’t get that. I’m serious. I didn’t get that. There’s now way. Come on.

Cecily: There’s a photo of you on the wall eating it.

Jackie: Well, maybe.

Cecily: Four bacon cheese burgers to go.

Jackie: Okay, I’m off the hot seat. Bob, that’s you.

Bob: I’m a vegetarian.

Jackie: Little too much information.

Cecily: The Carson Daly, chicken broth and vodka.

Jackie: Yeah, I was trying to switch it up. A man cannot live on tequila alone.

Cecily: Five shots of tequila but leave them on the bathroom so my friends don’t find out.

Ego: I’m actually more concerned that you called us friends.

Bob: A dozen raw eggs still in the container.

Jackie: That I’ll admit was a little grocery shopping. I don’t expect you guys to pay for that.

Heidi: A bottle of your nicest white wine with a note that says, “Please take me back, Jennifer, I am so, so sorry. I know we can make this work if you just tell the judge you were lying.”

Jackie: They wrote that on the bill? Why? Just to embarrass me?

Cecily: No. They charged you because you asked for it to be done by a calligrapher.

Jackie: Beautiful.

Cecily: Bowl of turkey chilly with a rum floater.

Jackie: Did I do that? Urkle.

Cecily: Another small side of potatoes.

Kenan: That actually was me. Those potatoes did look good.

Cecily: And a Cadillac margarita.

Jackie: Hey, it’s 5 AM somewhere, right?

Heidi: AM?

Jackie: Is anyone else really blacking out right now?

[Kenan hits the table]

Kenan: Mr. Jackie St. Croix St. Thomas, we invited you to this meeting because you said you uncovered a map that would show us a true location of the holy grail.

Bob: We’ve been more than patient with you. Now produce the map at once!

Heidi: There are interested parties, [whispering] Nazis, who are mot eager to possess it.

Jackie: Great. I’m just gonna come clean. I’m not the successful dentist turned janitor turned influencer you all thought I was. And I don’t have the map. [Jackie slowly puts his hat] Because it belongs in a museum.

[Jackie stands. Everyone is shocked.]

Kenan: It’s him!

Cecily: Dr. Indianapolis Bones?

[Cut to outro]

Male voice: The adventures of Indianapolis Bones.

[Cut to the restaurant. Waiter walks in with a gun in his hand.]

Waiter: Not so fast, Dr. Bones.

Jackie: Nothing my trusty whip can’t handle!

[Jackie pulls out his whip. Waiter shoots at him and Jackie falls.]

Cecily: Oh! You killed him! You killed Dr. Bones in the first episode?

Male voice: Only on Amazon Prime. We’re still figuring it out.