Tag: season 47

Weatherman

Sherman Bell… Kenan Thompson

Katie Williams… Cecily Strong

Beth Bennington… Punkie Johnson

Todd Baxter… Andrew Dismukes

Riley Cole… Kieran Culkin

[Starts with show intro]

Female voice: You’re watching Wake up Rhode Island.

[Cut to Sherman Bell and Katie Williams in their set]

Sherman Bell: Good morning, folks. Sherman Bell alongside Katie Williams.

Katie Williams: Coming up, we’ll hear from Beth Bennington who is down at Cohassett beach with an Eagle Scout on an important mission.

[Cut to Beth Bennington. She is standing with scout members]

Beth Bennington: That’s right, Katie. This is Todd Baxter. And Todd, tell us what we’re doing down here.

Todd Baxter: Well, myself and these boy scouts will be picking up trash at the beach all day, right guys?

Boy Scouts: Yeah.

Sherman Bell: That’s wonderful. Can’t wait to hear more about that.

Katie Williams: Me too. But first, let’s take a look at the weather with Riley Cole.

[Riley Cole comes in a split screen. He’s wearing turkey costume.]

Riley Cole: Hey, guys.

Katie Williams: Oh my goodness, Riley. What are you wearing?

Riley Cole: Um, who’s Riley? I’m Turkey Tom.

Sherman Bell: Oh. Turkey Tom, he says. Look, he’s even changed the graphic.

Katie Williams: And why is Turkey Tom honoring us with his presence today?

Riley Cole: Well, because today was the first day that the thermometer dropped below 40. And you know what that means? Time for a fall rap.

Sherman Bell: Oh boy. Here we go.

[music playing]

Riley Cole: [rapping] The leaves are turning all around
and the grass is turning brown
the wind is getting colder and the–

[He’s still rapping and dancing, but he’s been muted. There’s alert sound going on.]

Male voice: This is a Rhode Island weather alert. A severe storm is approaching. Evacuation orders are in place for flood zones one through four. Take only what is necessary. Leave all pets behind. Life threatening winds and flooding expected. May God have mercy on your souls.

Katie Williams: Okay, folks. So, obviously we have a severe weather situation. Riley, how did we not see this storm coming?

Riley Cole: [reading his papers] Well, I was working on the rap all last night. The costume and lyrics, that kind of thing. So, I am a little behind on my weather reports. So, my bad. But now I am seeing. Yeah, yeah. This is a big one. I should have caught it. I apologize for that.

Katie Williams: Okay. Well, why don’t we go to commercial so you can change into something more appropriate?

Riley Cole: Yeah. Well, I would love to but the the Doppler says the landfall could be any minute now. So, let’s take a look at the radar here. [there’s weather graphic behind him] Okay, well, this is the biggest nor’easter that I have ever seen. Let’s see. This is a large fast moving storm. [his funny graphics appear on the storm news] Yeah, sorry. The turkeys were part of the rap. There’s this lyric about how turkeys hate November because the Thanksgiving.

Sherman Bell: Ha-ha. Yeah, you know they do. Ha-ha-ha.

Riley Cole: But anyway, you can see behind the turkeys here. The winds are now reaching– Oh, wow. 190 miles an hour.

Katie Williams: Riley?

Riley Cole: Oh, that is very dangerous.

Katie Williams: Riley?

Riley Cole: Yeah. Yeah.

Katie Williams: Take the turkey off your head.

Sherman Bell: Katie, let’s be reasonable. Now, Turkey Tom–

Katie Williams: Don’g call him that.

Sherman Bell: Katie, please. Turkey Tom, could we be looking at structural damage from these winds?

Riley Cole: More than damage, I think some areas could be completely flattened. We should expect many, many casualties.

Katie Williams: Just take the turkey hat off.

Sherman Bell: Boo! Ha-ha-ha.

Riley Cole: Yeah, maybe I should, right?

Katie Williams: Great. And while you do that, we’ll go to Beth Bennington on Cohassett. Beth, any sign of the storm down there?

[Cut to Beth Bennington. She is in the storm all soaked and shaken]

Beth Bennington: Yes.

Katie Williams: Oh, wow. Beth where are the boy scouts?

Beth Bennington: The sea took them.

Katie Williams: Oh my god. Okay, Riley. Well, I see you still have the turkey headpiece on?

Riley Cole: I do. Yes. I decided to keep it on in case you want to hear the rest of the rap after the storm.

Katie Williams: Don’t.

Sherman Bell: Boo!

Riley Cole: No, that’s fair. I’m sorry, I look like this. I’m also very sorry that I missed the storm.

Sherman Bell: Hey, that’s not on you.

Katie Williams: yes, it absolutely is. Okay, Let’s go to commercial so Riley can change. Keep it here for more as this dangerous storm develops.

Sherman Bell: And later we’ll hear from a local boy scout troop who is cleaning up the beach.

Please Don’t Destroy – Calling Angie

Ben Marshall

John Higgins

Martin Herlihy

[Starts with three writers of SNL in their office room]

Ben: I’m sorry you and Angie broke up but are you gonna sit here sulking or are you going to call her?

John: I’m not calling her guys.

Martin: Why not?

John: Because if I was her, I wouldn’t take me back either. [sad music playing] I was really a jerk to her. I was selfish and I was too afraid to be vulnerable and lost her.

Martin: John, that was beautiful. Just tell her that.

Ben: Yeah, man. She would really appreciate hearing that. Just give her a call buddy. Tell her what she told us.

[John calls Angie]

Angie: Hello.

John: Hey, Ange. It’s me. Yeah, it’s John. Fuck you. Fuck you.

Martin: What?

Ben: No! Why are you saying that?

Martin: Stop.

John: What am I doing, dude? I’m freaking out.

Martin: Say what you said earlier.

Ben: Say something else.

Martin: The being vulnerable thing.

John: Go fuck yourself. I never liked you in the first place, girly.

Ben: What did she say?

John: You got to bail me out.

Ben: You want me to talk to her?

John: Bail me out. Talk to her. Talk to her. Tell her I’m sorry. Please.

Ben: Hi, Angie. Hey, sorry. I don’t know what’s gonna– Fuck you.

Martin: No! Oh my god.

Ben: Fuck you, loser.

John: No!

Ben: Am I doing it too?

John: Yes.

Ben: I hate all of what you’re working with. What is going on?

John: Get off the phone.

Martin: Angie, I don’t know what’s going on with those guys. I love you. Fuck!

Ben: Come on, man!

John: It’s my ex girlfriend. Give me the phone. Angie, it’s me. I’m really sorry.

Martin: Oh, dude. It’s on mute. [unmutes] Fuck you, bitch.

Martin: Why are we so off today?

John: Ange?

[hangs up]

She hung up on me.

Ben: Are you serious?

Martin: Very mature.

John: Blew it again with the love of my life.

Martin: Yeah, blew my last girlfriend too by getting my penis stuck in her toilet.

Ben: Just like I blew Stevie. Every time we had sex, I’d say, “I’d Chihuahua.” She did not like that.

John: But Angie wasn’t like your ugly girlfriends. She was just warm as a summer night. As sweet as the song. She was– [phone ringing] Oh my god, she’s on her way up.

[Angie barges in]

Angie: You mother[bleep].

All: Angie.

[Angie smashes John’s head on the table]

Men’s Room

Bowen Yang

Chris Redd

Frankie… Kieran Culkin

Andrew Dismukes

Alex Moffat

Tracy Morgan

[Starts with Bowen speaking on the phone in men’s room]

Bowen: Yeah, works fine. My coworkers better though. Hey, I gotta go. I just walked into the bathroom. I don’t know why I’m telling you either. Okay, bye.

[Chris walks in]

Chris: Oh, there he is.

Bowen: Hey. We gotta stop meeting like this.

Chris: I say, man. Third time this week. What is this? Your new office?

Bowen: Oh, you know what I always say, boss man does the boss man does.

[Everything goes dark and blue mood lights are on.]

Bowen to himself: I’ve never said that in my life. Why am I saying that? I’m not the boss. So, why did I laugh? Why did he laugh? Why are we not ourselves when we’re in the men’s room? Everyone just panics and blurt something out.

[lights turn on]

[Bowen flushes]

Bowen: Well, I’m empty. See you later my guy.

Chris: Keep on trucking, my dude.

[Frankie walks in]

Frankie: Oh, love to party in here.

Chris: Ay, Frankie in the building. What’s up?

Frankie: Yeah, baby. Got any fun plans this weekend?

Chris: Oh, a couple days away from you. I’ll take it. Ha-ha-ha.

[Everything goes dark and blue mood lights are on.]

Chris to himself: That was mean as hell. I really like that guy, man. And why am I talking so loud? In the men’s room my voice gets weird and I shout things like football is crazy.

[only Frankie is speaking]

Frankie to himself: My heart is pounding. Why did I choose the urinal right next to him? Our arm’s skin is touching.

[lights turn on]

Chris: Ha-ha-ha. Alright, man. See you on ice.

Frankie: Well, you too.

[Everything goes dark and blue mood lights are on.]

Chris to himself: See you on ice? We work at a pension fund. Is that even an expression? I don’t know who I am in here.

Bowen to himself: I’ve been standing here for so long. None of the automatic sinks work. My hands are covered in soap.

Frankie to himself: I’m standing at a urinal but I only came in here to avoid working. Now, I feel like I can’t leave until they’ve heard me pee. Guess I’ll squirt my hand sanitizer in there to fake it.

[lights turn on]

Bowen: Hey, sounds like your streams coming along really well over there.

[Everything goes dark and blue mood lights are on.]

Bowen to himself: Why am I commenting on his pee and calling it a stream?

[Andrew walks in]

Andrew: Hey, what’s up my dudes?

All: Hey!

Andrew: So, anyone got big plans for the summertime?

Bowen: Not yet.

[Everything goes dark and blue mood lights are on.]

Andrew to himself: Why would they? It’s November. We’re months away from the summertime.

[lights turn on]

Andrew: New guy. Did anything fun last weekend?

Bowen: I’m sorry. Who? Me?

Andrew: Yeah.

Bowen: Sorry. what did you say?

Andrew: I just asked you if you did anything fun last weekend?

Bowen: Oh, yeah, sure. Umm… Umm…

Bowen to himself: I’m taking way too long to answer. I’ll just pretend I didn’t hear.

[lights turn on]

Bowen: Oh, sorry. I can’t hear anything today. So, yeah.

Andrew: What’s up?

Bowen: Nothing sorry. Anyway, these sinks working for you?

Chris: No! But football is crazy.

Bowen: Crazy.

[Alex walks in]

Alex: Uh-oh! Y’all having a little slumber party in here? Zagging your chains guys. And you see the new receptionist. She’s got legs for days.

[Everything goes dark and blue mood lights are on.]

Alex to himself: I killed a man in 2012. I didn’t even do a good job hiding the body but I still got away with it. Although I’m a free man, the guilt I carry is worse than any cell. But in here, I forget who I am and what I’ve done. I love the men’s room.

Alex: Don’t you guys love it in here?

[Tracy walks out of toilet cabin]

Tracy: Trust me, no one go in there. I had some pork meat last night and I dropped a bomb. [looks at Alex] And this dude killed my brother.

Kieran Culkin Monologue

Kieran Culkin

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Kieran Culkin .

[Kieran Culkin  walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Kieran Culkin: Wow. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. I’m so happy to be here right now. I’m Kieran Culkin. For the past few years, I’ve been working on a show called Succession. I play Roman Roy. He’s one of the nicer characters on the show which still makes him one of the top 10 worst humans on TV. This thing happens. Sometimes people will be like, “You know, that part really suits you.” Which isn’t really a compliment. It’s sort of like going up to someone and saying, “You know what role will fit you like a glove? Giuliani.” Aww.

But it’s been a big year. My wife and I just welcomed our second child in August. [cheers and applause] I love being dad. It’s great. And I got asked to host Saturday Night Live. Which has always been– It’s just been a dream of mine. And I gotta say, my wife has been really supportive and just wonderful throughout the process but I have this feeling that she’s been terrified for me. Just very nervous and I think she thinks I’m gonna mess up or something, but Jazz, I don’t know where you are, there you are. I just want to assure you that everything is going to be fine because it doesn’t matter even if I do mess up and “Shame the family”. Thank you. We’re gonna be great.

I actually don’t think that’s gonna happen. That’s really not gonna happen tonight because this isn’t my first time being here. I have been on this very stage. I was on an episode of SNL back when my brother Mac hosted 30 years ago. Almost to the day. I was nine years old. I got to be in three sketches. Two of which are non problematic. That’s good. And at the end of the show, I got to be on the stage for the goodnights and I think we have a clip. Can we show it?

[Cut to an old clip of SNL. The casts are carrying Macauli Culkin on their shoulders and Kieran Culkin is down looking at him.]

So, there’s my brother. And the cast is lifting him up on their shoulders. And there boom. There I am. Clearly jealous. My brother’s up there. He’s got his arms up all like victorious and I’m down there on the ground like, “Me, I want uppies”. So, check out what I do next. I ask Kevin Nilen to pick me up. And he goes, “Yeah, okay, sure.” Just got handed out to the cameras. I don’t know what that was. Like, De Niro impression? I don’t know. Anyway, I wanted to show you that clip two reasons. One in the hopes that someone from the cast will pick me up again at the end of the show. And two, because I have waited 30 years to be back on this stage and say… We’ve got a greta show for you tonight. Ed Sheerran is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back.

Dionne Warwick Talk Show- Ed Sheeran, Dionne Warwick and More

Dionne Warwick… Ego Nwodim

Brittany… Punkie Johnson

Miley Cyrus…. Chloe Fineman

Dr. Nathan… Andrew Dismukes

Jason Mraz… Kieran Culkin

Ed Sheeran

Post Malone… Pete Davidson

Dionne Warwick

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: She’s an iconic singer and she’s always got a zinger. It’s the Dionne Warwick talk show.

[Cut to Dionne Warwick in her set]

Dionne Warwick: Wow. Yes. Hello. Hello. And welcome to the Dionne Warwick talk show. A show where I host and other people come here. And then they leave and so do I. Thanks as always to my producer and my niece Brittany.

[Cut to Brittany.]

Brittany: Love you aunt Dionne.

Dionne Warwick: Alright. Now, I’d like to start today’s show with a special announcement. I have some very personal news to share with all of you.

[music playing]

[singing] Raindrops Keep falling on my head.
But that doesn’t mean my eyes will soon be turning red
Alright. Thank you. Thank you. Please welcome our first guest, Miley Cyrus.

[Miley Cyrus walks in]

Miley Cyrus: Hi, it’s awesome to be here.

Dionne Warwick: Yeah, alright. Yeah. You recently post topless for a magazine cover. That’s why I’d like to give you this Hussey award I made. [gives her the award] You are Hussey of the month.

Miley Cyrus: Oh, number one, Hussey. Yo. Oh, man. Thank you so much.

Dionne Warwick: Alright. You just did a duet with Elton John. So did Dua Lipa and a lot of other people. My question is, does he not have my number? Oh, mam. I’m not really sure mam, but I just want to say I’m such a huge fan of yours.

Dionne Warwick: Oh, thank you. So am I. So tell me, Miley, Dojacat. Is that a singer or a Pokemon?

Miley Cyrus: Yeah, she’s a singer.

Dionne Warwick: Alright. Well, Cardi B. Why does she need the B? Was there another Cardi in the class?

Miley Cyrus: You know, these aren’t really about me.

Dionne Warwick: Sure. All right. Okay. I’ll try. Yeah, I understand that Hannah Montana is your nemesis. My Nemesis is Wendy Williams. Let’s make a pact to kick their asses.

Miley Cyrus: You know, Hannah Montana isn’t real.

Dionne Warwick: Alright, well, neither is Wendy Williams. Alright, Miley Circus. I’m done talking to you. Bye now. Yeah.

[Miley Cyrus walks out]
All right. Now, for our important public health segment. We have a doctor here to give me my coronavirus booster live on air. Please welcome Dr. Nathan Ola.

[Dionne Warwick walks to Dr. Nathan]

[music playing]

[singing] Keep smiling…

Dr. Nathan: Hi, Ms. Warwick. Which arm do you– Alright let’s get that sleeve up and we’ll– Just get that sleeve up and we’ll go.

Dionne Warwick: That’s what friends are for. [Dionne Warwick walks back to her seat without getting the shot] Alright. I didn’t feel a thing. Now, for our next guest. This man is not famous anymore. He does not have any songs out. Please welcome Jason Mraz.

[Jason Mraz walks in]

Jason Mraz: Kind of a rough intro but yeah, I’m psyched to be here.

Dionne Warwick: Alright. Now Mr. Mraz, you are about to go back on tour. My question is Rihanna. When she gonna drop the album? She too busy making panties or something?

Jason Mraz: I’m not sure how to answer that.

Dionne Warwick: Well, Kanye change his name to Ye. Is that after the sound people make when he leaves the room?

Jason Mraz: I’m sorry, can you ask me questions about me?

Dionne Warwick: Fine. Okay, what’s with the hat? If I took it off when I see your brain?

Jason Mraz: Okay, I’m gonna go. Thank you so much.

Dionne Warwick: Alright. Let’s bring out our next guest, Ed Sheeran.

[Ed Sheeran walks in]

Ed Sheeran: Hi, Ms. Warwick. I’m really glad to be here.

Dionne Warwick: Of course, you are. Now you did a song called south of the border. My question is are you nasty?

Ed Sheeran: Yes. A little bit.

Dionne Warwick: Oh, good.  Cuz I think that’s healthy. Alright. You’re writing a song for the next season of Ted Lasso. So, what I’d like to know is what is Apple TV and how do you get it on a Dell computer?

Ed Sheeran: Is that the best question for me to answer?

Dionne Warwick: I don’t know. Shoot. All right. Did you know Ed Sheeran backwards is Dionne Warwick?

Ed Sheeran: I don’t think it is.

Dionne Warwick: I read that Elton John calls you every morning. Why would he talk to you and not me? Personally, I prefer to talk to me.

Ed Sheeran: Well, I mean, me and Elton are doing Christmas song together.

Dionne Warwick: Okay. All right. Well, apparently you and everyone else. Am I beefing with Elton John? Okay, you can go. Go on and go. Next up, I just want everybody to know I’ve learned my lesson that Machine Gun Kelly is too scary for me. So, I’ve invited a different man who I feel I’d be more comfortable with. Please welcome Post Malone.

[Post Malone walks in]

Post Malone: Hi, Ms. Warwick.

Dionne Warwick: No! No! No! Oh my god, it is worse. Get him out. You go. You gotta go.

[Post Malone leaves]

Oh my god. Much better. Much better. Brittany put that man in a cab back to Spooky Town, USA.

Brittany: I’m on it.

Dionne Warwick: I’m tired of interviewing people who are not icons. Please welcome me.

[The real Dionne Warwick walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Dionne Warwick: Alright. Well, well. Hello.

Real Dionne Warwick: Hi, darling. I’m so excited for you that I’m here.

Dionne Warwick: Okay. Alright. Well, let me ask you something. Why are you perfect?

Real Dionne Warwick:  Darling, I’m not perfect. I’m just very, very good.

Dionne Warwick: Alright. Okay. Today I heard a song by an artist called Young Boy Never Broke Again. Why aren’t people just caught Burt Bacharach anymore?

Real Dionne Warwick: You know, that is an excellent question and I don’t know the answer, but I will keep tweeting until I find out.

Dionne Warwick: You know, why does it say you were booked to headline Doge Palooza, a Dogecoin Music Festival. My question is what is that? How does it work? Why would you do it? And can I come?

Real Dionne Warwick: Well to answer your questions, I don’t know. I don’t know. Because they paid me. And yes.

Dionne Warwick: Okay, Dionne. Would you like to sing a song for the people?

Real Dionne Warwick: Do they deserve it?

Dionne Warwick: They o. Why don’t you go ahead and grab your mic? Right? I think we should go ahead and do it.

[music playing]

Dionne Warwick and Real Dionne Warwick: [singing] What the world is now
love, sweet love
it’s the only thing
that there’s just too little love
What the world is now
love, sweet love
it’s the only thing
that there’s just too little love

Car Heist

Security… Kenan Thompson

Thief… Chris Redd

Hacker… Mikey Day

Mastermind… Kieran Culkin

Natalia… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with Security doing rounds at night in automobile garage ]

[he hears some noise]

Security: What the–? [turns his flashlight on. He sees a rope hanging inside the shop. As he’s looking around, Thief stands behind him and hits him on his head. He’s out.]

Thief: Sleep tight, old man. [talking in microphone] I’m in.

Hacker: And we’re in business. I’m gonna work on getting those security doors open for you. Shouldn’t be long now, boss.

Mastermind: Fantastic. I’ll let the client know. They’re in.

Natalia: Impressive, Mr. Knight. But my boss doesn’t pay you to get inside underground garage. He pay you to steal billionaires vintage Lamborghini. It’s there, yes?

Mastermind: Ghost, you got eyes on the prize?

Thief: Oh, yeah. She’s one bad bitch.

Hacker: Okay, Ghost, just bought you two minutes to get out of there. You’re welcome by the way.

Thief: Two minutes? I’m counting money in one. Let’s do this. [turns on the engine] Ha-ha-ha-ha. Whoo! [the engine shuts down]

Mastermind: Everything all right, Ghost?

Thief: Yeah. Yeah. This car like this is just like beautiful ladies. You just gotta know how to handle. [The engine doesn’t turn on] What the hell? [Security is laughing. He is tied up.] Oh, yeah, boss. I think we got a problem.

Mastermind: What’s going on, Ghost?

Thief: This car got an advanced driver system I’ve never seen before. I’m looking at three pedals here, shifter that goes up, down and sideways. This must be some new, new tech. I’m thinking military maybe.

Hacker: Sounds like it’s a stick shift?

Thief: A stick what?

Mastermind: Stick shift. Ghost, you can drive stick, right?

Thief: Bitch, I can drive anything,

Mastermind: Including stick?

Thief: Nah.

Mastermind: Ghost, I’ll walk you through this. Anything you don’t get, you say stop.

Thief: Cool.

Mastermind: Turn the car on and press the clutch.

Thief: Stop. You say clock?

Security: [Laughing hard] That boy said clock.

Thief: Shut up, old man.

Mastermind: Put the car in gear.

Thief: Stop.

Mastermind: No. We don’t have time. Now, press the clutch with your left foot, put it in gear, then press the gas with your right foot.

Thief: Stop. You want me to drive with two feet? Who you think I am? Fred Flinstein?

Hacker: Flinstein?

Thief: Did I stutter? Frederick Flinstein.

Hacker: 60 seconds.

Natalia: Enough. Mr. Ghost, it’s Natalia. I help, so listen. Yes?

Thief: Yes, man.

Natalia: Left foot clutch, right foot gas.

Thief: Done, baby girl.

Natalia: Press clutch, put in gear.

Thief: New.

Natalia: Then take foot off clutch.

Thief: Copy.

Natalia: And give gas.

Thief: Impossible.

Natalia: Then drag, it’s clear?

Thief: Nah. But let’s do this.

[He’s trying to go forward but the engine stops going just a little forward]

Hacker: You’re gonna have to go a lot faster than that, Ghost.

Thief: Good thing this baby has nitrous boosters.

Security: [laughing] That’s the trunk.

Hacker: Get out of there right now, Ghost. Or you’re dead, man.

Thief: Don’t you know? You can’t kill a ghost.

[Thief goes forward]

Security: He ain’t gonna make it.

[The car gets hit by the gate and gets stuck]

Thief: Ay, boss. We got a problem.

Cancelling Cable

Brad Herman… Kieran Culkin

Mateus… Mikey Day

Tanya… Aidy Bryant

Donna… Ego Nwodim

Tina… Heidi Gardner

Kenan Thompson

Adam… Kyle Mooney

Marcy… Melissa Villaseñor

Sarah Sherman

Spectrum… Bowen Yang

[Starts with Brad Herman packing things up. His phone is ringing.]

Brad Herman: [answering the phone] Yes, hello.

Female voice: This is a callback request from spectrum cable. Please hold for a representative.

Mateus: Hi there. This is Mateus with spectrum cable. Is this Brad Herman.

Brad Herman: Yeah. Hi.

Mateus: Hi. And what can I help you with today, Mr. Herman?

Brad Herman: I just need to cancel my cable.

Mateus: Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. Before we begin, would you like to add a telephone landline to your current package for Brad HermanMateus.99 a month?

Brad Herman: No, I’m good. I just need to cancel the cable. I tried to do it online. But they said I had to call.

Mateus: Of course, Mr. Herman. May I ask the reason for the cancellation?

Brad Herman: My girlfriend and I broke up and I’m moving out.

Mateus: Oh, no. I’m so sorry. Your relationship fell apart, Mr. Herman. Mr. Herman, may I ask the cause of the breakup?

Brad Herman: No, that’s personal.

Mateus: Of course, Mr. Herman. Please write down this reference number in case we get disconnected. Do you have a pen and paper handy?

Brad Herman: No, not really.

Mateus: Wonderful, Mr. Herman. The number is 7-B as in boy, F as in five, G as in 5G, six as n six boys. Thank you. Please hold for a cancellation agent.

Female voice: Your call is important to us and will be answered in the order that we feel like.

Tanya: Hi, this is Tanya. For security purposes, can you tell me the 42 digit customer pin number that came on your first bill?

Brad Herman: My first bill? The one I got six years ago? I don’t have that.

Tanya: Oh, not a problem. We can use one of your security questions. What city did your mom lose her virginity in?

Brad Herman: That’s disgusting. I don’t want to talk about that.

Tanya: Well and that is what you answered. Okay. Alright, so when is a good time for a Spectrum technician to come install your new landline?

Brad Herman: Never I don’t want a landline. I just want to cancel my cable.

Tanya: Of course. I’ll transfer you to cancellations. I’ve been Tanya.

Female voice: Wi Fi trouble? Try unplugging your router and spitting in it.

Donna: This is Donna with Spectrum. Just to confirm it says here you’re looking to pay more money for less channels?

Brad Herman: No Why would I want that?

Donna: I’m not sure sir. That’s why I asked. How dare I, right? Pissing me off. Hold please.

Female voice: Due to higher than normal call volume, your call will not be answered. Goodbye.

[dead tone]

Brad Herman: Oh my god! [phone ringing] Yeah, hello.

Tina: Hi, Mr. Herman. This is Tina with Spectrum. How are you this afternoon?

Brad Herman: Honestly not great. How are you?

Tina: [sobbing] I’m not great either, actually. Pretty much falling apart and I’m sorry. Please hold. Thank you for choosing Spectrum.

Female voice: Doing No Nut November? Spectrums got you covered with the selection of sex and nudity free movies on demand.

Brad Herman: No Nut November?

Kenan: Ay, what colors do house man?

Brad Herman: I’m sorry.

Kenan: Yeah, this is the Spectrum tech. I’m on your street to install your landline and I can’t find your house.

Brad Herman: No, I don’t know how this landline thing got started but I do not want one.

Kenan: Oh no, no, it’s too late to change your mind, man. It’s too late.

Female voice: Like basketball, our game day sports upgrade gets you the NBA network and 85 Spanish language soccer channels.

Adam: Hello. Oh hi. My name is Adam and I’m a Customer Service Rep. How are you?

Brad Herman: Not good, you know. I’m very close to being triggered.

Adam: Very cool. Let me pull up your account. The heck? It’s like my computer’s being crazy right now. Let me just connect you to someone else. Sorry about that.

[pizza delivery boy answers the phone]

Andrew: Domino’s Pizza. Interested in trying our new Santa bread dippers?

Brad Herman: Domino’s? Are you kidding me? They transfered me to Domino’s?

Andrew: Who? Spectrum? Yeah, they do this all the time. I’ll transfer you to a cancellations rep.

Brad Herman: Oh god, thank you. You’ve honestly been the most competent person I’ve talked to you today.

Andrew: That’s crazy because I’m high as hell.

Female voice: One premium channels without premium prices, not gonna happen. We’d lose a ton of money.

Marcy and Sarah: Hi there, Mr. Herman.

Sarah: [laughing] Oh my god, Marcy. We both answered the same call. Ha-ha.

Marcy: We’re so crazy.

Sarah: Sorry about that. I’ll hop off.

Marcy: Me too.

Brad Herman: Don’t both hop off. No.

Marcy and Sarah: Hold please.

Female voice: Have a question about your bill? Ask your husband to explain it to you.

Brad Herman: Wow.

Mateus: Hi, Mr. Herman. It’s Mateus.

Brad Herman: Dude! Dude! I’m about to lose it, okay? And guess what? It happened? Okay? I am triggered, okay? That’s right. I’m triggered. So, the next person that you transfer me to better have the power to cancel my cable.

Mateus: Are you sure?

Brad Herman: Yes, Brad Herman,000% yes.

Mateus: Very well. I’ll transfer you.

[transfers to the AI]

Brad Herman: Yes. Hi, who is this?

Spectrum: I am Spectrum, the source, the Nexus, the provider.

Brad Herman: Okay, can you cancel my cable?

Spectrum: There is nothing I cannot do. For I am made of pure data.

Brad Herman: Great, then cancel my cable.

Spectrum: Can I insist you in six months of free Disney plus?

Brad Herman: No, just cancel it.

Spectrum: As you wish. Enjoy your new spectrum landline.

Brad Herman: No. I’m not getting a landline.

[Kenan is standing beside Brad Herman]

Kenan: Yes, you are, man. Where do you want me to put the landline?

Aaron Rodgers Trump Cold Open

Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong

Aaron Rodgers… Pete Davidson

Glenn Youngkin… Alex Moffat

Helen Stevens… Heidi Gardner

Donald Trump… James Austin Johnson

[Starts with show intro]

[Cut to Jeanine Pirro in her set]

Jeanine Pirro: Good evening. I’m Jeanine Pirro and you’re watching Justice Judge with Judge Justicic Judge. Tonight’s top story, is the president dead? Politically, yes. Otherwise, I’m told he’s fine. But first, the vaccine gets stop polls at it again. Men jetting their sticking nickies on Fauci ouchies, until all of us yell “Hail Biden”. And join there’s zombie army of the vaxxed. Our first guest is an American brave enough to stand up and say, “Screw you, science, I know Joe Rogan!” Please welcome, NFL MVP, Aaron Rodgers.

Aaron Rodgers: Hello. Hey, Jeanine. It’s great to be here. Remember when I hosted Jeopardy?

Jeanine Pirro: Now Aaron, you’re not vaccinated. So what? Who the hell cares? Your body, your choice. And please, never use that quote for any other issues.

Aaron Rodgers: Exactly, Jeanine. It’s my body and my covid. I can give it to whoever I want. But suddenly the woke mob is coming after me. It’s gotten so bad that state farm called and they’re not offering me the Rogers spray.

Jeanine Pirro: And straight talk, Aaron, because I never talk gay. Did you ever lie about being vaccinated?

Aaron Rodgers: I never lied. I took all my teammates into a huddle, got all their faces three inches away from my wet mouth and told them, “Trust me. I’m more or less immunized.” Go team.

Jeanine Pirro: And you said you didn’t get the vaccine because it might make you sterile, which is so insane, I’m jealous I didn’t say it.

Aaron Rodgers: Ay, look, people can talk all they want. But at the end of the day, my record is still 7-1. Meaning of the eight people I’ve infected, seven are fine.

Jeanine Pirro: Wow. Call this guy the bottom of the snapple cap because he got vaxxed. Thank you, Aaron. My next guest, turned Virginia as red as my face, gets when I talk about nearly any subject, please welcome governor elect Glenn Youngkin.

Glenn Youngkin: Judge Jeanine, thank you for having me. My win in Virginia proves that people are deeply concerned about education.

Jeanine Pirro: And who are most of your voters?

Glenn Youngkin: People who didn’t go to college.

Jeanine Pirro: Excellent. Now, critical race theory is something that you talked about a lot. What is critical race theory?

Glenn Youngkin: Simple. It’s what got me elected.

Jeanine Pirro: Right. But what is it?

Glenn Youngkin: It’s not important. What’s important is parents. Everyone knows they should run schools. That’s why I invited the leader of my parental task force to share her recommendations on dangerous material that should be banned.

Helen Stevens: Hello, Judge Jeanine. I’m a huge fan of your Judging and your talking.

Jeanine Pirro: Oh, I like this one already. Helen, what are your feelings on education?

Helen Stevens: When my son brought home the book “Beloved” by Tony Morrison, I put down my copy of “50 shades” and said, “No!” A woman named Tony? Not my America. So, a group of parents and I put together our list of books that should never be allowed in the classroom. “Holes” sounds sexual. “Pride and Prejudice”. Prejudice is fine. But Pride is a term that has been coopted by the gays for some sort of Lady Gaga themed nudity parade. “Invisible man”. What’s he doing? Where is he? Cane you see me in my home? Or what I google? “The Great Gatsby”. Too much jazz. “Moby Dick”. That one’s toss-up. Title is dirty. Love that the whale is white.

Jeanine Pirro: Get him to sea world stat.

Glenn Youngkin: Yeah. See, I’m so grateful that parents like Helen who helped me win in Virginia without the help of Donald Trump.

Jeanine Pirro: Well, funny you should mention it. Because he’s been watching and he just asked us to join us. Former and basically current president of the United States, Donald Trump.

Donald Trump: Thank you. Thank you so much. Yes. I just wanted to congratulate Glenn Youngkin and mostly myself on our tremendous victory at Virginia. You know what? We did it together.

Glenn Youngkin: Oh, you don’t have to say that.

Jeanine Pirro: Mr. President, what an unexpected and frankly horny surprise. Oh mama.

Donald Trump: Oh, it’s great to be here. It’s great to be here judge Judy and it’s great to be frankly winning again. We love to win it. You know what? You’ll get to see a lot more winning where that came from. Let me tell you. You’re gonna see it a lot.

Glenn Youngkin: Oh, you’re gonna take me off the split screen.

Donald Trump: No, we do this together, Glenn. We did it so good, okay? I really want you to stay.

Glenn Youngkin: Really, that’s okay.

Donald Trump: Excuse me. Glenn, excuse me. Excuse me. Everybody comes to listen it. You know what? Like you just saw it, I listened, okay? I mean, when you look at it, he’s someone that takes advice so well. I mean, you now what? Can I get 60 seconds on the clock please? Because theres a lot of times when I was giving advice. Lot of times, I was giving advice and people weren’t listening and it didn’t work out so great for some of those people. I mean, when you look back with StarWars, I said, “You ned to do it with swords. The lasers are not enough. You got enough real swords, George.” I remember talking. I said this to George. I said, “If you’re gonna do StarWars, okay, you have to have real swords.” And look at what they’re doing with Dune. Look at what they’re doing with Dune. I talked to Denis Villeneuve. I said– You know what? Look at the success of Dune. Look at Chalamet, okay? Real swords. Frankly with Dune, you got Momoa and everyone’s doing flips and it’s very “Game of Thrones”. And people were very disappointed with “Game of Thrones”, you know, how it ended and everything. But with Dune, I think you got a lot of possibility with Dune. I see a lot of possibility. Two, three, four, 15 movies. And frankly, I see a lot of possibility with Virginia.

Jeanine Pirro: God, you are impressive. How do you keep that all in your brain?

Donald Trump: Well, I had my ears sealed, so nothing comes in or out.

Jeanine Pirro: And now, Mr. President, you never actually campaigned with Glenn Youngkin, did you?

Donald Trump: Well, no. I never did– Glenn. Glenn! Glenn! Don’t you dare. Don’t go anywhere. Don’t you dare, Glenn. You need to hear this. You know, I was never there there with Glenn. You know, there there. I was never there there. But I told lots of people they should vote for Glenn, okay? And you know what? Most people don’t like Glenn. But he’s a wonderful guy, okay? Most people don’t like him but he’s a wonderful guy. Okay? Tall, rich, like my sons. Glenn, you’re like my son.

Glenn Youngkin: Please don’t say that.

Donald Trump: Well, you know what? Glen is a wonderful guy but these PC folks, oh my god. They don’t like him. They don’t like him at all. You know what? Can I get 60 more seconds please? These PC folks, they don’t like everything. These PC folks you can’t please them at all. They don’t even like Chris Pratt as Mario. And you know what? I’m very close with Mario, very close with Luigi. Our wives play golf together. They play Mario golf together. And peach is a very close friend of mine. Peach is added on but Peach is so great. And with the Toads by the way, I do great with the Toads. I do great. You know, the mushroom people? The Toad people? A lot of em’ came out in the last election. And the Toads love Chris Pratt. Toads love Chris Pratt. And his Mario is gonna do a lot better than that awful Eternals movie. I tell you that, it’s a lot better than Eternals. You know what? With Eternals, it was too diverse. It was too diverse and no one wants to see that. The movie is rotten. Just ask the tomatoes. Just ask the tomatoes, it’s rotten. And you can’t even get tomatoes anymore because of this awful shipping nightmare that we’ve got with slow Joe Biden. And you know what? This is true. Glenn, excuse me. Glenn, excuse me. This is true. You know what? Guy came up to me the other day. Big guy, bigger than anything. Tears in his eyes, and he says, “Sir, many name is Santa Claus and Christmas is cancelled. Christmas is cancelled, sir.” And I said, “We’re not gonna let that happen, Santa.” And that’s why I asked him to give Virginia to Glenn Youngkin. I asked him to do that. We did it. We did it together because it’s a great country. Santa did it because he loves America, and he loves Trump. Right Glenn?

Jeanine Pirro: Wow, Mr. President. You’re a genius, a patriot, one handsome mountain of a man. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

What Up With That- Oscar Isaac, Emily Ratajkowski and Nicholas Braun

Mikey Day

Oscar Isaac

Emily Ratajkowski

Nicholas Braun

Deandre Cole… Kenan Thompson

Vance… Jason Sudeikis

Giuseppe… Fred Armisen

[Starts with Mikey introducing the show]

Mikey: It’s “What’s Up With That?”, Halloween edition. Taking on the issues of today with soul. Tonight from Doom, Oscar Isaac. [cheers and applause] Model an actress, Emily Ratajkowski. [cheers and applause] And from Succession, Nicholas Braun. [cheers and applause] Here’s your host, Deandre Cole.

[Deandre Cole walks in]

Deandre Cole: [singing] I woke up this morning and I got out of bed
had a big old cup of coffee to clear my head
hiding from the ghost and a scary black cat
to trick or treat and tell me what’s up with that
Oh, wee, what’s up with that? What’s up with that?
Oh, wee, what’s up with that? What’s up with that?

What’s up with that? Oh, yeah. Yeah. 

Well, thank you very much for joining us on What’s Up With That where we are excited about Halloween. It might get a little creepy. Might get a little sneaky. Might get a little peaky. Don’t got to sleepy. It’s gonna be spooky, cooky, ooky, goopy, soupy, loopy, it’s the great pumpkin snoopy

[singing] Oh, wee, what’s up with that? What’s up with that?

[Vance walks in dancing and Giuseppe walks in playing sax]
Oh, wee, what’s up with that? What’s up with that?
Oh, what’s up, I say what’s up, somebody tell me what is up with that?
Now if I’m out here trick or treating, don’t you give me no damn fruit, yeah!

Okay. Well, that was fun. That was fun. Vance, man, good to see you. How are those knees doing? And Giuseppe, I hope your wife is feeling better. [Guiseppe is laughing] That wasn’t a joke, Guiseppe. Okay. Joining us tonight is the great actor Oscar Isaac who is dressed up as a pirate.

Oscar Isaac: Ha-ha. Ohoi! Good to see you, Deandre. Good to see you.

Deandre Cole: It’s good to see you too. We go way back. You remember Miami? I know you do. I know you do. And next to him, we have Emily Ratajkowski. She is a cat.

Emily Ratajkowski: Meow, Deandre.

Deandre Cole: Well, me to the yow to you too. And next, he has been on every show that we have ever had for the past 1Oscar Isaac years, Lindsay Buckenham.

Nicholas Braun: No. No. Sorry. I’m–

Deandre Cole: Lindsay, that is the best cousin Greg from Succession costume I have ever seen.

Nicholaus Braun: No, no. I am Nicholaus Braun.

Deandre Cole: Whatever, Lindsay. You are the busiest man in the show biz with projects like Scenes from Marriage, the Card Counter and Doom. How do you play so many different characters?

Oscar Isaac: It’s a good question. Well, no. They’re all different people. But there are similarities to them. [drum hi-hat starts playing] What is that? No, no, no, you’re not gonna do that to me, right?

Deandre Cole: No. No. Go ahead.

Oscar Isaac: Okay. Well, in the sense, all the characters are going to go through existential crisis.

Deandre Cole: [singing] Existential crisis.

Oscar Isaac: Uh, huh. And you know, there’s like a sense of poetry to them. They all deal with pain and loss, confusion.

Deandre Cole: [singing] Pain, loss and confusion.

Oscar Isaac: Yeah. So, for me, it’s all about whether there’s room to explore something interesting.

Deandre Cole: [singing] Exploring in the depths, and I got to say
Oh, wee, what’s up with that? What’s up with that?
Oh, wee, what’s up with that? What’s up with that?

ladies and gentlemen, get ready to get freaky and funky because they are the spookiest disco group in the world, the HeeBee Beegees.

[HeeBee Beegees walk in dancing]

HeeBee Beegees: [singing] eat your face, HeeBee Beegees
you better eat your face, that beautiful face

Deandre Cole: Oh, wee, what’s up with that? What’s up with that?
Oh, wee, what’s up with that? What’s up with that?

Ladies and gentlemen, he got along in the 2003 baseball play offs, Chicago Cubs outcast, Steve Bartman.

[Steve Bartman walk in and dances]

Go Bartman, go Bartman. Got the baseball, got the baseball. You’re forgiven, you’re forgiven.

Oh, wee, what’s up with that? What’s up with that?
Oh, wee, what’s up with that? What’s up with that?
What’s up… I say what’s up… somebody tell me what is up with that?
Somebody pull liners at the pumpkin patch that dump and miss Halloween again, Yeah!

Whoo! Well, we out of time. But I wanna thank Oscar Isaac for being here.

Oscar Isaac: Yeah. That went exactly as I thought it would go. Yeah.

Deandre Cole: And thank you to Ms. Emily Ratatakowski.

Emily Ratajkowski: I flew out for this?

Deandre Cole: And thank you for your service. And oh no, Lindsay Buckenham. Man, I wanted to hear all the secrets behind the cousin Greg costume. I’m sorry.

Nicholaus Braun: I’m actually Nicholas Braun. Please.

Deandre Cole: You are a sneaky one, Lindsay. Go win the cousin Greg contest. And Vance, take care of your knees, man. [Vance is drinking whiskey out the bottle] Until next time.

[singing] Hey, hey, hey, hey,
Oh, wee, What’s up with that? What’s up with that?
Oh, wee, What’s up with that? What’s up with that?

Weekend Update- The Devil on His Latest Accomplishments

Colin Jost

The devil… Jason Sudeikis

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, the news these past few years has been pretty bleak. And it seems to be continuing in that direction. Here to comment is the devil.

[The Devil slides in]

[cheers and applause]

The Devil: Good to see you, Colin. How are you, Michael? Yes! Alright. What’s up, Colin?

Colin Jost: It’s just great to see you, Devil. We haven’t seen you in four or five years.

The Devil: Oh yes. Because I’ve been busy, baby. Yeah. Last few years have been pretty good for the devil here.

Colin Jost: Yeah. Well, congratulations. What are you been working on lately?

The Devil: Oh, man. So many little side projects. Earthquakes. Got some killer storms. Instagram for kids. Trying to get it off the ground. Oh, and the climate. Climate! Come on! Look I don’t know if you noticed, but I’ve been making things up here feel more like where I’m from. That’s all. You ever been to Florida? That’s not that different from hell. It’s basically pre hell. It’s people in their Colin Jost00s and the temperatures are also in their Colin Jost00s. It’s where I beta test a lot of new ideas, okay? Gaters are there. Bath salts. Tea cup ride. Love for it. Love it.

Colin Jost: Yeah. It must be fun. Florida must be fun for you. Yeah.

The Devil: Yeah, I love it. Yeah, I’m also in the sports. Yeah, I’ve been sticking my fork in sports. I mean, you saw that the Astros won. They shouldn’t have. [smiles and points at himself] Please. And you know, my boy Tom Brady still going strong, right? I actually keep his soul trapped in his portrait of him.

Colin Jost: Handsome guy, still.

The Devil: Oh, yeah. He still got it. He still got it going on. Absolutely.

Colin Jost: I appreciate you coming by to explain all this.

The Devil: Oh, come on. My pleasure. I’m actually glad to get out of hell for a minute. Rush Limbaugh has been talking my horns off. You know, I actually got to build a new– [phone ringing] Oh, sorry. Sorry, I shouldn’t turn– It’s my phone. Sorry! Sorry! Ah! Prince Andrew. Again. Really. The guy. I mean he’s blowing my phone up all the time. All these pics of me, him and JS, they’re coming out of you know– I look pretty good though.

Colin Jost: Alright. I know that looks pretty bad for you guys maybe but–

The Devil: Not me. Not me. I’m a street creed.

Colin Jost: Is there anything else that you’d like to take credit for?

The Devil: Sure, yeah. Bitcoin. That’s all me. I invented vaping. I’m proud of that one. Well, you know when you’re trying to read an article online and the ad at the top gets real big and takes up half the screen no matter how much you scroll and is still there? Me!

Colin Jost: That’s a great one. Great work. And I just have to ask, what about Qanon. Was that you?

The Devil: Hey! Hey! No. Those guys are crazy. A bunch of sad internet psychos thinking satan worshipping paedophiles exist. It’s like, excuse me. Don’t drag my good name into your sick fantasy. Alright? You take that back right now. You take it back, Colin. Okay? Or else I will go back on our deal to let you marry Scarlett, okay?

Colin Jost: That’s not what happened.

The Devil: You baby trapped her.

Colin Jost: That’s not accurate.

The Devil: You baby trapped her.

Colin Jost: That’s not accurate. Not accurate

The Devil: It is true. I don’t know who screwed her more. You or Disney. Baby trapped her.

Colin Jost: Wow.

The Devil: True.

Colin Jost: You’re pretty worked up.

The Devil: Yeah! I am. I’ve just been working a ton. I am. I’m a little fragile. I love my job and sometimes I gotta relax, okay? And this year– I’m gonna blush now. I got the greatest lap dance of my life. True. That Lil Nas X, he can move. He’s cute.

Colin Jost: The Devil, everyone.

The Devil: I hacked Michael Che.

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.