Tag: Beck Bennett

Future Ghost

Zac… Kyle Mooney, Beck Bennett

Mom… Heidy Gardner

Ghost… Chris Rock

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a young boy playing video game in the year Mom000]

Zac: Tony Hawk, you’ve done it again. A “Pro Skater Mom” far surpasses the original.

Mom: Zac, dinner’s almost ready. That’s your Zac0 minute warning.

Zac: I heard you in the first time, Rachel.

Mom: Please call me mom.

Zac: Hey, whatever. No wonder dad left to become a priest. Now if I could just grind this lunch table like P-I-M-P.

[The lights dim. Smoke appears behind Zac. Ghost walks out of the smoke. He has white hair, and all his clothes are white. He has a sword in his hand.]

Ghost: Hello, Zac.

Zac: Hey, what’s up? Wow, are you a ghost?

Ghost: Yeah, I’m like a ghost. Specifically a ghost from the future. And I have something important to show you.

Zac: Okay, just one sec. I’ll be right with you.

Ghost: Seriously. Can you pause it?

Zac: Go ahead, dude! I’m listening. I almost landed that combo.

Ghost: I was gonna show you what your future was like, but if you wanna just play your little skateboard game, that’s fine.

Zac: Wait, see my future? Yeah, I’ll pause my game for that freaking crap. Ay, hopefully I’ll live at the Playboy mansion.

Ghost: You don’t.

Zac: Okay. Well, then hopefully I’ll married to Eliza Dushku and the mom from Spy Kids.

Ghost: Well, you might want to lower those expectations. Here, take a look.

[Screen blurs. It’s a same room, but there’s another older guy playing video game now.]

Zac: Hey, is that me?

Ghost: This is you in 2020, okay? A global pandemic sends your life into a tale spin. You lose your job and you have to move back in with your mom. And this is all you ever do.

Zac: Oh, my god!

Ghost: Yeah, I know, right?

Zac: I can’t believe it. Those graphics are freaking insane! Holy freak! They look like real. Freak!

Ghost: Wait, wait, na, na, na. Forget about the graphics.

Zac: Oh, yeah, yeah. I’ll just forget about the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. Seriously, are you blind? Did you look at in the clips while playing with yourself? It looks like real. And what the freak kind of console is that? A Playstation Mom?

Ghost: PSMom? No. That’s an old PS4.

Zac: 4? Oh, god! I think I just nutted for the first time in my life.

Ghost: You didn’t.

Zac: Oh, okay. And is that a wireless controller? Oh, hey, can I have Mom0Mom0 now, please? Haha.

Ghost: Can you please just stop fixating on the game and take this seriously?

Zac: Yeah, yeah. I’ll take it seriously. Right after I do this.

[dancing and singing] Those graphics,
I just saw the most awesome graphics,
and suddenly this game will never be the same

Ghost: Would you shut up, you goofy ass?

[Ghost slaps Zac very hard]

Zac: Hey, man!

Ghost: You don’t understand. In Mom0 years, the world as you know it is going to change forever. Look!

[Mom walks down with a mask on]

Zac: Hey. That’s my mom. Oh wow, and she’s a dentist now. It’s bad.

Mom: Zac, everything okay?

Zac from future: Nah! This wifi sucks ass. Why don’t you start Onlyfans so we can afford a second router?

[Kenan walks in]

Kenan: Hey, hey! That is no way to talk to your mother. This is my wife, dammit!

Zac: Hold up. My mom married Kenan Thompson? What?

[My Mom Married Kenan Thompson intro playing]

Male voice: My Mom Married Kenan Thompson, coming to Peacock this fall.

First Debate Cold Open

Chris Wallace… Beck Bennett

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Joe Biden… Jim Carrey

Kamala Harris… Maya Rudolph

[Starts with a message video]

Male voice: The following is a re-broadcast of Tuesday’s presidential debate. Even though Tuesday feels like Chris Wallace00 days ago, we though it was important to see it again since it might be the only presidential debate. And it was pretty fun to watch as long as you don’t live in America.

[Cut to Presidential Debate video bumper, Cleveland, OH.]

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: Good evening. I am your moderator Chris Wallace, and I think I’m going to do a really, really good job tonight. First, I want to lay out the rules which both parties agreed to in advance. Each candidate will have two minutes uninterrupted–

Donald Trump: Boring!

Chris Wallace: Mr. President, I haven’t even introduced the candidates yet.

Donald Trump: Tell that to my Adderall, Chris. Now, let’s get this show on the road and off the rails.

Chris Wallace: And you did take the COVID test, you promised to take in advance, correct?

[Donald Trump has his fingers crossed.]

Donald Trump: Absolutely. [looks at his fingers crossed] Scout’s honor.

Chris Wallace: President Trump has already introduced himself. So, let’s now welcome the democratic candidate–

Donald Trump: Boo. Here comes the booing.

Chris Wallace: Former vice-president of the United States–

Donald Trump: Allegedly.

Chris Wallace: And senator from Delaware–

Donald Trump: Not even a real state.

Chris Wallace: Joe Biden.

[Joe Biden walks in. He is wearing aviators sunglasses.]

Mr. Vice President.

[cheers and applause]

Joe Biden: Just one second, Chris.

[Joe Biden pulls out a measuring tape. He measures the distance from Donald Trump’s podium to his podium. He then moves his podium a bit further away from Donald Trump.]

Okay.

Chris Wallace: It looks like you’re ready to debate, Joe.

Joe Biden: Absolutely not. [takes his sunglasses of] But I’ve got the beginning of Kamala Harris6 fantastic ideas I may or may not have access to. Now, let’s do this. I’m holding my bladder. Let’s get at her.

Chris Wallace: Tonight, we’ll be discussing six major topics none of which anyone will remember by tomorrow. We begin with the supreme court. President Trump, two minutes.

Donald Trump: I’m gonna do Chris Wallace0. I’d like to begin with a list of complaints. People are mean to me. Joe here is very mean. Chris Wallace is mean. The economy is mean. It keeps losing jobs which is mean to me. The China virus has been very mean to me and being a hoax. And that statement is something that I will– It will probably come back to haunt me later this week.

Chris Wallace: And what about the question I asked you about the supreme court?

Donald Trump: I think I already answered that question, Chris. We’re very excited about our nominee, Amy Christina Barcelona. And it was so nice to welcome her in the other day with open arms and uncovered faces.

Chris Wallace: Mr. Vice President, same question. You have two minutes.

Joe Biden: Thank you, Chris. Now, look. Here’s the deal.

Donald Trump: No, it’s not.

Joe Biden: Excuse me. Please, could you just–

Donald Trump: No. Whatever you’re going to say, no.

Chris Wallace: Mr. President, please let him speak. He let you speak. Now, let him speak.

Donald Trump: But he is lying. I can’t point out if he says a lie?

Joe Biden: I said two words, you son of a– No, don’t do it, Joe. It’s exactly what he wants. Don’t let your inner whitie vulture come out. Just splash them all the smile they taught you in anger management. [smiles]

Chris Wallace: Now, Mr. Vice President, and only Mr. Vice President, would you consider adding additional justices to the supreme court?

Joe Biden: Um–

Donald Trump: [interrupting] He won’t even answer.

Chris Wallace: I just asked the question!

Donald Trump: And he won’t even answer it.

Joe Biden: Um–

Donald Trump: [interrupting] Just like he won’t answer about his son Hunter and Burisma, and the mayor of Moscow, and Obama was spying on me, and he emailed Benghazi.

Chris Wallace: Mr. President, you’re just listing terms you heard on FOX News. It sounds like you’re saying the names of characters from season Kamala Harris of a show that no one has watched.

Donald Trump: Sheriff of Portland.

Chris Wallace: Mr. Vice President, your turn.

Joe Biden: Look, here’s the deal–

Donald Trump: [interrupting] Can I respond to that, Chris?

Joe Biden: Would you just shut up, man? No, Joe, no. Don’t lose control. It’s what he’s hoping for. Okay. Where was I?

Chris Wallace: You said, “Look, here’s the deal.”

[Joe Biden blows a paper bag and bursts it.]

Joe Biden: Okay. Look, here’s the deal. [Joe Biden waits to see if Donald Trump interrupts him again. Donald Trump doesn’t.] No, lost it. Come back to me. I’ll find it. It’s up here somewhere.

Donald Trump: Chris, can I say one thing? Am I allowed to say one thing?

Chris Wallace: Yes, Mr. President.

Donald Trump: What we need in this country is law and order. When someone breaks the rules, they need to face the consequences. No exceptions.

Chris Wallace: Okay, what about your taxes?

Donald Trump: There have to be exceptions, Chris. The terms law and order, they are very vague terms. And rules are meant to be broken. It’s the same with masks. I’ve got mine right here in my pocket. [Donald Trump pulls out a pink panties] Okay, it’s right here. But you don’t need a mask all the time. It’s like a seatbelt. You wear when you’re backing out of the driveway, then you can take it off. But Joe wears the biggest mask you’ve ever seen. He’s always standing Donald Trump00 feet away from people.

Joe Biden: Look, man. I’m a nice guy. But if you give me any more guff tonight, I’ll rip your face off like a mad chimp. I’ll knock that thing up your head and burn it, bury it in the pit cemetery where it came from. Stop it, Joe. Stop it. God, you can’t lose your cool just coz this joker’s raising little monkey dust. The country is counting on you. You just stand here and look lucent. I know it. I know what will calm me down. My new Harry Styles meditation tape.

[Joe Biden puts in an air pod in his right ear. Harry styles appear in an imaginary cloud.]

Harry Styles: We dip our toes in the cold wet sand.

Joe Biden: Nice.

Harry Styles: And sit and face the sea.

Joe Biden: Cleansing.

Harry Styles: We’ll let the waves wash over us. Alone, just you and me.

Joe Biden: Okay.

Donald Trump: I think maybe I should listen to my meditation tape as well.

[Donald Trump puts in an air pod in his right ear. Melania Trump giving speech appear in an imaginary cloud.]

Melania Trump: [yelling] Ladies and gentlemen, leaders and voters, for freedom and liberty and the American dream, the best is yet to come. [screaming]

Chris Wallace: Alright, alright, can we please have a civilized dialog? Debates are a hime honored tradition and the bedrock of the American democracy.

Donald Trump: Gay!

Chris Wallace: Mr. President, if you keep interrupting this debate, I’ll do absolutely nothing about it?

Donald Trump: Okay, okay, I’ll be quiet.

Joe Biden: I don’t want to be dictated to, and I’m not gonna be distracted anymore by this clown tonight, okay? I’m definitely gonna concentrate. I’m gonna try to keep my cool. [a red-dot laser is targeting at Joe Biden.]

What is that? Where is that coming from?

[Donald Trump is holding a small laser pointer. It is him pointing the laser at Joe Biden. Joe Biden is scared for his life.]

Donald Trump: Oh, it’s not. It’s not a laser pointer. It’s a wand that cures the COVID.

[Kamala Harris walks in]

Kamala Harris: Boys, boys, boys, boys. [cheers and applause] Both of you, this stops right now. Alright? You look at me, Donald, you do not treat my Joe like that, alright? He’s a nice boy.

Joe Biden: Kamala, I got this.

Kamala Harris: Uh-uh, Joe. Let Mamala go to work. Now, Donald, I want you to apologize to Joe.

Donald Trump: He started it.

Kamala Harris: Hey! Hey! I don’t care who started it. Alright? I don’t even care who sharted it. Now, you apologize to Joe, now.

Donald Trump: Sorry.

Kamala Harris: I’m sorry. What’s that?

Donald Trump: I said sorry.

Kamala Harris: You know, look, I think if there’s one thing we learn tonight, it’s that America needs a WAP. Women as president. [cheers and applause] But for now, I’ll settle for HVPIC. Hot Vice President In Charge. So, why don’t the two of you finish this debate or whatever the hell this is with some dignity? And when you’re done, I’ve got you boys some PB and Jane apple slices waiting for you back stage.

Joe Biden: Yummy!

Chris Wallace: Thank you, Senator Harris.

Kamala Harris: Oh, I am not done with you, Chris. You will see me in my office after debate.

Donald Trump and Joe Biden: Ooh!

Chris Wallace: And finally, just to ensure this is the worst presidential debate in history, I’d like to close with white supremacy.

Donald Trump: Oh, baby, come to papa.

Chris Wallace: Mr. President, I’ll ask you directly. Do you condemn white supremacists?

Donald Trump: Condemn them? I don’t know any. I mean, who are you even talking about? The proud boys? The white boot? The eugenics eagles? I didn’t even know any of these groups. I certainly wouldn’t even know how to signal them if I tried.

Joe Biden: America, are you listening to this? The president of the United States is literally blowing a dog whistle.

[Donald Trump is blowing a whistle]

Donald Trump: I don’t think this thing is working. I don’t hear anything.

Chris Wallace: Mr. Vice President, your closing statement.

Joe Biden: Well–

Donald Trump: [interrupting] That is so unfair. Why don’t I get to make a closing statement first? After all, I am the pres– [Donald Trump stops moving (pauses). Joe Biden is holding a remote and smiling.]

Joe Biden: Sorry, but I think we all needed a break. Isn’t that satisfying? [takes a deep breath] Just not to hear his voice for a single god damn second. Let’s wallow in it. Let’s bask in the Trumplessness. Now, Chris, could I speak directly to the American people?

Chris Wallace: Is it gonna be weird?

Joe Biden: Totally. Totally weird. [music playing in the background] America, look at me. Look directly into my eyeballs. You can trust me, because I believe in science and karma. Now, just imagine if science and karma could somehow team up to send us all a message about how dangerous this virus can be. [looks at Donald Trump] I’m not saying I want it to happen. But just imagine if it did. So, this November, please get on the Biden train which is literally a commuter train to Delaware. And we can all make America not actively on fire again. Okay, now I’m unpausing.

[Joe Biden presses the play button]

Donald Trump: Antifa!

Joe Biden: No! [presses the pause button again. Donald Trump stops moving again.] Can’t do it. Gonna leave him on pause. And one more thing.

All: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

 

Digital Exclusive- Neighbors

Desmond… Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Kyle walking outside his house. He looks around. Then he picks the package that’s out of his door.]

[Desmond comes running]

Desmond: Neighbor! OMG! What’s going on? It’s good to see you.

Kyle: Hey, Desmond.

Desmond: Oh, please, call me Dizzy.

Kyle: No thanks.

Desmond: Aw. Well, how have you been?

Kyle: You know, doing okay considering.

Desmond: Right? Holding up, doing the best we can. Puzzles.

Kyle: Right, yeah.

Desmond: But seriously, just stay six feet away from me at all times. Social distancing.

Kyle: Yes. I know about all that. I’m not trying to come close to you.

Desmond: It can also travel though droplets and live on surfaces for a long time. So, don’t tough things with your fingers and put your fingers in your eye and your nose and your throat or your mouth. Don’t suck on them.

kyle: I’m nog toing to suck on them.

Desmond: No. Yeah. But did you also know that they can travel through farts now?

Kyle: I’m sorry, farts?

Desmond: Still, be careful. We can’t be sniffing our farts willy nilly like, normal.

Kyle: I’m not going around smelling farts willy nilly.

Desmond: No, yeah, I know. But did you hear that you can pass the virus on by spitting in somebody’s throat?

Kyle: Why would I spit in somebody’s throat?

Desmond: Coz like– it was like– it could be a game if you can make it into your friend’s mouth from like, a certain distance away. Uh, but we can’t be playing that game anymore

Kyle: I’m sorry. What game is that?

Desmond: Spit throat?

Kyle: That’s not a game.

Desmond: I play it with my dad every Sundays.

Kyle: You play it with your father?

Desmond: Not anymore, though. I can’t do it.

Kyle: I can’t say I’ve ever played spit throat.

Desmond: You never played spit throat?

Kyle: Oh, god! Well, I’m taking all the necessary precautions.

Desmond: Yes! Thank you, coz– thanks. Thank you. Somebody is, because not all the neighbors are as good as you and me. Some of them are bad people and I’m thinking about reporting them.

Kyle: Well, I’m sure everybody’s doing their best.

Desmond: They’re not. The other day, I saw the Richardsons having sex with each other.

Kyle: Yes. They live together. And they’re married.

Desmond: No, it’s not. They shouldn’t be able to do it. Not while we can’t. I mean with– who knows who’s going to have sex with who?

Kyle: I under– I– Okay.

Desmond: I’ve been doing so many dishes. Cooking, cleaning. I feel like cinderella slaving away for my evil stepsisters. Except I don’t have any stepsisters. It’s just me. I’m all by myself. I’m alone. I’m all alone all by myself.

Kyle: Well, man. I think we’re all feeling pretty lonely.

Desmond: Right. Pretty much day 16, I was doing my pillow.

Kyle: I’m sorry. You were doing your pillow?

Desmond: What?

Kyle: It seems like, you just said that you were doing your pillow.

Desmond: I– I have not been doing anything to my pillow. I was fluffing it.

Kyle: Alright, Desmond, I’ve got to go. Okay?

Desmond: Wait! I don’t have a roommate. Do you have a roommate?

Kyle: No. But that’s–

Desmond: We could form a cell and live together and pool resources and duties. Yes!

Kyle: No.

Desmond: Yes.

Kyle: No.

Desmond: Please. Let me live with you.

Kyle: Absolutely not. No. I’m not– I don’t want to do that.

Desmond: Cool. I saw that you left your house for six hours the other day. Was that an essential trip?

Kyle: I’m sorry, you were watching me? That’s creepy!

Desmond: Neighborhood watch. We’re all in this together. So, if somebody in the neighborhood happens to leave on non-essential trip, picks up some droplets maybe, brings the virus back in the neighborhood, it’s my duty to report it. Unless that person was my roommate.

Kyle: Are you trying to blackmail me into being roommates?

Desmond: Let me just know what you think about living together.

Kyle: It’s not gonna happen. Please, just leave me alone, Desmond.

Desmond:Tell you what. I’m gonna bring some banana bread in a little tinfoil package. And then, maybe that’ll change your mind.

Kyle: No. I don’t– I don’t need your banana bread.

Desmond: Aww! [Desmond snaps his finger and disappears.]

[Kyle is looking around. Desmond jus appears beside him again.]

Kyle: [scared] Oh, god!

Desmond: Banana bread.

Kyle: No, I don’t want that.

Desmond: Let me live with you. [Kyle runs in] Aw!

Zoom Catch-Up

Dave… Beck Bennett

Connie… Aidy Bryant

Laura… Melissa Villaseñor

Ripleyk… Kenan Thompson

Deidre… Heidi Gardner

Ripley… Martin Short

Dave: Well, guys, it’s been four hours. We got anything else to talk about?

Connie: Yeah. I’m sorry but who makes their friends wait four hours for Zoom?

Mark: Well, I can think of two people. Deidre and Ripley.

[Deidre and Ripley join them. They’re speaking in Italian accent.]

Deirdre: Hi, my little kitkats.

Ripley: Hi, dollies. Hi dolly babies. I miss you.

Deirdre: Oh, how are you? What’s new, my precious kitkats?

Dave: Hi Deidre and Ripley. Um, we’ve actually been waiting for you guys for four hours.

Ripley: Oh, please forgive us. We just got back from Milano.

Deirdre: Yeah. Losianto. We’re still on Italian time.

Laura: Oh, my god! You guys were stuck in Italy?

Deirdre: Stuck? No. Use your brain. We traveled there.

Ripley: For la quarantina.

Connie: Sorry. So, you guys voluntarily traveled to the epicenter of the pandemic quarantine?

Deirdre and Ripley: Si. To quarantina.

Deirdre: Oh, the food, the people, the wine.

Ripley: We saw none of it. The streets were mutto emptissimo.

Deirdre: There’s nothing like la quarantina in la springa.

Mark: You will not call it quarantina. Not while my ears can hear.

Dave: Yeah. It’s not exactly carnivale.

Ripley: No, no, no, dumb dummies. Carnivale is in Brazil.

Deirdre: So, quarantina is the celebration of all things pandemico global.

Connie: Okay. Well, our quarantine hasn’t really been a vacation.

[Now Deirdre and Ripley are speaking in Atlanta American accent.]

Deirdre: Oh, in Atlanta?

Ripley: You’re all in quarantine down in Atlanta?

Deirdre: How y’all holding up in Sweet Georgia quarantine?

Mark: Stop that.

Laura: Anyway. Great news, you guys. My grandma has completely recovered. She’s back home now.

All: Oh, that’s great.

Deirdre: What does that have to do with anything, girl?

Ripley: Why would we care about that? That’s useless.

Deirdre: Ripley, tell them about our Italiano adventure.

[starts speaking in Italian accent again]

Ripley: I definitely will. So, one night, we just wanted to roam the streets, smell the mozarella air. And lo and behold, I see an authentic Italiano.

Deirdre: So, I ran full speed at him. I mean, I had to hug a local.

Ripley: And I grabbed him really aggressively and he was very old, a horrible cough. I gave him the double kiss to show my amor.

Deirdre: And you know, he went like this. [showing palm] And this in quarantina means the same as this in quarantine.

Connie: Are you guys okay? Like, in the mentals? Like, are you talking to anyone?

Ripley: And this really old wrinkled dude gets really upset with me. And he starts spanking us towards the boat. “Pronto, pronto, get to the boat.”

Deirdre: Oh. And we figure it’s quarantino, why not? So, we grabbed a couple of boxes and we get on the cruise.

Ripley: Oh, it was so gorgeous. There’s barely room to move. Wooden crates everywhere you look.

Deirdre: Oh. Stamped with the word ‘ventilators,’ ‘surgical maskos.’

Ripley: And the captain kind of a peach. Breath wasn’t perfect but, you know, it is Italy. And he comes over and he says– Oh, I wish I could speak Italian. How does he say it?

Deirdre: Just say it in English.

Ripley: Alright. He was a Somali smuggler of medical gear.

Dave: Okay. I’m sorry. Just to be clear, you guys were helping ship PPE out of Italy?

Mark: Yeah. Sounds exactly right for you guys. Okay, bye. [logs out.]

Dave: Yeah, bye guys.

[Everybody signs out.]

Deirdre: Ciao.

Ripley: Ciao.

Trump Graduation Speech Cold Open

Principal… Kate McKinnon

John Quigley… Kyle Mooney

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Crystal… Heidi Gardner

Damien… Chris Redd

Sam… Kenan Thompson

Devin… Ego Nwodim

Aidy Bryant

Beck Bennett

Principal: Hello, everyone. I’m principal O’Grady. Welcome to the St. Mary Magdalene by the express way, class of 2020 virtual graduation.

[the students are cheering from home.]

I know this isn’t how you expected your highs chool career to come to an end. But, we’re all making sacrifices. I have had to share my child’s Adderall with him. The good news is you’re all getting diplomas with the exception of John Quigley.

John: Aw, man! I gotta do school again? Oh!

Principal: The bad news is you’re about to pay full price for fancy colleges when they’re all just University of Phoenix online with worse tech support.

Aidy: Wooo! UOP online represent the future’s in wires.

Principal: Glad you’re happy. I asked you to vote today on who should be the key note speaker. Unfortunately, Barack and Michelle Obama said no. As did your next five choices which were Axl Rose, Murder Hornets, the LiMu Emu, whatever the hell that is; that dude from ’90 Day Fiancé’ who looks like a hedgehog and the Elon Musk grimes baby. So, I moved on to your 8th choice receiving one vote, president  Donald Trump.

[Cut to Donald Trump in the White House.]

Donald Trump: Here I am. Here I am. Here I am. People applauding, they’re applauding. Thank you. Thank you very much.

Crystal: [wearing red MAGA graduate hat.] No, thank you, sir!

Principal: Crystal, don’t make me key your car again.

Donald Trump: Congratulations to the class of COVID-19. Wow, what an incredible energy and excitement I’m feeling right now. My valet got the virus, so I had to do my own make up. I had to resort to a Liza Minnelli tiktok makeup tutorial. I’m so honored to be your valedictator, but today is not about me, it’s about you. Although I should spend a little time on me first because I’ve been treated very poorly even worse than they treated Lincoln.

Damien: I’m sorry. Wasn’t Lincoln assassinated?

Donald Trump: I’m not taking questions, Bebop. I’m only telling you the truth. Lincoln would agree. He’s probably smiling up at me from hell right now.

Sam: Ay! What is this, dude?

Donald Trump: Let’s mute him. Let’s mute a lot of the jazz types

Devin: Jazz types? What are you–[muted]

Donald Trump: Great. You’re actually lucky to be graduating right now. There are so many exciting new jobs out there like grocery store bouncer, cam girl, porch pirate, amateur nurse and coal. Don’t forget about coal. It’s in the ground and you just dig down and grab it.

Mikey: I don’t want to do that.

Donald Trump: I’m gonna make sure colleges are open in the fall. Online college is a scam and I should know. My online college was ranked number one craziest scam by US news every year it was open.

Beck: No. We want Fauci.

Donald Trump: Oh, sure. Everyone loves Fauci.

Beck: Fauci!

Donald Trump: And don’t you hate when these elite medical experts tell you what to do? [coughing] Just, excuse me. [drinks Clorox] Good old invincibility juice. Cheers to you guys.

[the students start singing out.]

Look, I’m gonna be honest with you guys. I know that this is hard. So, I’m gonna give you some real advice. [music playing in the background] Believe in yourself and you can achieve anything. Look at me. I started as the son of a simple wealthy slumlord and grew to become billionaire, a president and the world’s leading expert on infectious diseases. Surround yourself with the worst people you can find. That way, you’ll always shine. If you don’t understand something, just call it stupid. Never wear sunscreen. And live everyday like it’s your last because we’re gonna let this virus run wild. This virus that remember was started in a lab in Obama. I’ll leave you with one of my favorite inspirational quotes, reach for the stars because if you’re a star, they’ll let you do it. Thank you class of 2020. And let’s have the greatest summer of our lives. Who’s with me?

[Only Crystal and John are online.]

John: Yeah!

[Now, John and Principal also sign out.]

Donald Trump: Wow. This crowd has thinned down faster than Adele. And taped from my home one last time, it’s Saturday night.

The Reveal

Detective Sims…Beck Bennett

Bowen Yang

Cecily Strong

Chris Redd

Debbie… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with “The Reveal” intro]

Male voice: In these times, criminal justice is being carried out over Zoom.

[Cut to Zoom video call. There are four participants.]

Detective Sims: Hi, everyone. Detective Sims again. Look, this is not how we normally conduct a murder investigation, but like everyone else, we have to adjust to the new normal.

Bowen: Yes, of course.

Cecily: Happy to help.

Detective Sims: Cool. As you know, you’re all suspects because you attended Dirk Walker Simpson’s pool party on February 15th where he was strangled with somebody’s bikini bottoms. Ha-ha-ha. I’m sorry. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. What a way to go. Anyway, we have a breakthrough on the case and I’ll inform you of that once Debbie Johnson, the final suspect logs in.

Bowen: Yeah. I just want to say. I was nowhere near Dirk when he died. I was in the bathroom desperately shaving my bikini line.

Detective Sims: Alright. We’ll hold off on alibis until Debbie gets here.

[Cecily is humming a song]

Chris: Oh, that’s nice.

Cecily: Hmm? Oh, I’m sorry. I’ll be quiet.

Chris: No, it’s nice. What is it?

Cecily: Oh, I’m just– I’m humming a little song I wrote. I’m just trying that not to forget the melody.

Bowen: It’s got something.

Detective Sims: You wanna sing it for us?

Cecily: What?

Detective Sims: You might as well. I mean, we’re waiting for Debbie.

Cecily: Wow! Okay. First performance of my new song, no pressure.

[singing] You are the song, I am the moon
we’re always so busy with our jobs in the sky
I wish that we could hug and let love fly
fly, fly

[everyone’s clapping]

Chris: I’m sorry. I did not know Lana Del Rey was a suspect in Dirk Walker Simpson’s murder. To think, that was fire, okay?

Detective Sims: I write songs too. That’s why I was curious to hear it.

Cecily: You do?

Bowen: Yeah. I knew there was something creative about you, detective.

Chris: What genre do you do, man?

Detective Sims: More like, masculine rock. Like, how it used to be.

Bowen: Umm, like Pick-up tTucks and Barbecues?

Detective Sims: Yeah. Ladies On Car Hoods, that sort of thing.

Cecily: Sorry. I’m just wondering if there’s an update on Debbie?

Detective Sims: I emailed her the warrant. She clicked “attending.”

Cecily: Sorry. I was just thinking about our friend that got murdered. It’s okay. Let’s hear the song.

Detective Sims: Might as well sing it, right? I mean, Debbie’s not here.

Bowen: Yeah. Come on. Give it to us.

Detective Sims: [singing] Rare steak, I’m red and raw
and I’m feeling you up like a rare steak
now let me sizzle on your griddle like a rare steak

ra-ra-ra-ra-ra-ra-ra-rare steak

[Debbie has already joined]

Debbie: Sorry, I thought for a second detective Sims was singing.

Detective Sims: I was singing an original called ‘Rare Steak,’ but now that you’re here, let’s get back to the murder investigation. Debbie Johnson, we have security footage proving that you murdered Mr. Walker Simpson.

Debbie: Was the footage any good?

Detective Sims: Not for you. No.

Debbie: Okay. Got you. I’m sorry. Look, Dirk wasn’t exactly one of my favs. I had two wine spritzers and I murdered him. Ha-ha. I’m sorry.

Detective Sims: Oh.

Debbie: Okay, bye-bye.

Detective Sims: I guess she left. Well, we should probably go arrest her. Does anyone wanna her more of ‘Rare Steak’ before we leave?

Cecily: Thank you everybody. Bye.

Chris: Bye. See you later. How do we get out of here?

Bowen: Stop video.

Detective Sims: Well, I’ll just start singing.

[singing] Rare steak, it’s red in the middle
I’m just a little brow on the outside

[Debbie walks back in dancing to the song.]

It’s dripping red and it’s in my mouth
It’s going to down my throat and it’s making me rock

SoulCycle at Home

Phoenix… Cecily Strong

Lee… Bowen Yang

Korona… Ego Nwodim

Toyota… Chris Redd

Robert… Beck Bennett

Heidi Gardner

[Starts with “Soulcycle Virtual Workouts” intro]

[Cut to Phoenix in her home]

Phoenix: Welcome. Welcome. My name is Phoenix, as in the University of… Soulcycle’s closed right now. So, we put together this live stream with the trainer fan. We may not have bikes, but that won’t stop us from charging you to watch us working out. Let’s go!

[Cut to Lee in his home]

Lee: Wad up, wad up, Soulcycle computer? They call me Lee, short for Harvey Oswald. It’s crazy to think that people could be watching this anywhere to Los Angeles to California. I’ve been hearing a lot about squatters, right? So, let’s get ’em. [starts squatting] Always try to keep a positive attitude. I moved to New York two days before quarantine. Shoutout to my roommate who catfished me. He ain’t no leggy blonde, but it’s his personality I fell in love with. Let’s go!

[Cut to Korona in her home]

Korona: My name is Korona with the K. I’m always overcoming adversity. When I was little, they told me I was pretty enough to act like not model. So, I joined tiktok where I do neither. Let’s go!

[Cut to Toyota in his home]

Toyota: I am Toyota. And I hear a lot of people talking about antibodies. Ah! Pro body. Quarantine, day two, let’s go!

[Cut to Robert in his home]

Robert: I am Robert, like, Julia Robert. And I’m good vibes only. Who do I stay home for? Me! Because I’m quarantined and on house arrest. Two birds, let’s go!

[Cut to Heidi in her home]

Heidi: What’s up? I’m Molly. Sorry, I’m on Molly. I’m not gonna get COVID-19 coz I’m 22. Liberate Michigan, let’s go!

[Heidi is working out]

Wow! It’s burning now.

[Cut to Lee]

Lee: This pandemic has affected everyone. Coachella, cancelled. South by south west, cancelled. Bill Cosby, cancelled. How dare? We need doctors right now. Let’s push!

[Cut to Toyota]

Toyota: Commit to what you start! [sits on his couch] I ain’t finishing ‘ozark.’ Let’s go!

[Cut to Lee]

Lee: I’m on a juice cleanse right now. Corox juice. Eat clean!

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: This one’s called the bow and arrow. [stretching the resistant band] It’s gonna go way back! [the resistant band hits her cheek] Oh! Oww!

[Cut to Korona]

Korona: My mantra, eat, pray, pray. That’s right. I’m not and religious. It’s a trap. Let’s go!

[Cut to Lee]

Lee: Just because we’re in quarantine doesn’t mean we can’t connect, meet up, go to the beach, hug, touch, kiss an old guy on the mouth at the mall. Let’s go!

[Cut to Phoenix]

Phoenix: I just got word that our positive attitude and good bodies cured coronavirus. [wears her glasses] Oh, wait. Oh, no. Sorry. Rooter’s Steakhouse is delivering. Ah!

Architectural Digest Tour

Beck Bennett

[Starts with “Architectural Digest Open Door” intro]

Female voice: “Architectural Digest Open Door” where we invite you to take an exclusive look at some of our favorite celebrity homes as they take us through the design techniques that makes each home unique.

[Cut to Beck Bennett opening the door.]

Beck: Hi, AD, this is Beck Bennett. And this is my home. Come on inside. [looks at the back of the door] Um, you don’t need to– you can just get over. [there are things placed in messy way] You don’t need to get that. That’s just some boxes.

[Beck Bennett starts the house tour.]

This is my home. This is like, the main room. This is where we like, watch TV and hangout.  That’s a candle. This is a window. Um, huh, there’s some tape on this. Sorry, just gonna get this. Hah! There’s a little piece of tape on the window.

Come on over here with me to the dining room. This is a calendar that we were using to keep track of how many days went by. And now, we’re just kind of I guess, keeping the puzzle pieces on there. And this is kind of like, the pile. I don’t know if you guys have this. We just like, don’t know what to do with a lot of this stuff.

This is like a cool, fancy Jenga that we got in Thailand which is one of our favorite places. I think Jenga is maybe, a big part of the culture there. Um, or I’m not sure. Actually, I don’t know.

This is a piano. Um, sometimes I like to come here and get creative. Um, and play some. [singing] Sometimes, some- sometimes sometimes I go. Um, brings me some calming energy and helps me escape. And my neighbor’s car. That’s his blue car.

This is sort of an organic thing. This is a new crack on the wall. Um, the house is over 100 years old and will just kind of get cracks in the walls sometimes. There’s a crack on the wall. There’s crack. There’s a crack. That’s a kind of a stain. Cracks right there. Crack up there. This was a big crack but we kind of smudged it with this stuff but we never painted over the smudge. Sort of a crack. There’s a crack. There’s a crack over there. That’s a crack. That’s a crack right above it. And this right here, this is a tape stain.

Well, AD, that was my home. Thanks so much for coming. See ya. Hey, was that good? What are the other homes like?

How Low Will You Go?

Alex Burpee… Beck Bennett

Tara… Ego Nwodim

Hayley… Heidi Gardner

Ashley… Aidy Bryant

Tip… Mikey Day

Dern… Pete Davidson

Townsen… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with “How Low Will You Go?” intro]

Male voice: And now, for another episode of “How Low Will You Go?”

[Cut to Alex Burpeein his home. He is wearing a suit.]

Beck: Hello and welcome to “How Low Will You Go?” The only dating show for sexy singles just getting out of that quarantine. I’m your host, Alex Burpee. That’s right. My dad invented laying down and getting up really quick. Now, let’s meet our contestants.

[Cut to Tara in her home]

Tara: My name is Tara and halfway through quarantine, you know I broke my vibrator.

[Cut to Heyley]

Heyley: What’s up? I’m Hayley and during quarantine, I broke two vibrators and and electric toothbrush.

[Cut to Ashley]

Ashley: Hey there, it’s Ashley and during quarantine, I straight up murdered all my vibrators. Pretty sure the last one was a suicide though, coz she left a note that said, [showing the note] “You did this.”

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: Oh! Ha-ha. Quarantining isn’t easy for anyone. I had to spend all day with my kids. But get this. I’m the dad. Doesn’t make any sense.

[Cut to split screen with Beck, Tara, Heyley and Ashley.]

Well, after months of social distancing it’s time for our contestants to test how desperate they are to touch another human. Let’s meet our first warm body, Tip.

Tip: Hello, ladies. I’m Tip.and quarantine wasn’t that bad for me because I was already unemployed and I’m kind of an indoor cat. No friends.

Beck: Sorry, ladies. He’s clearly a nerd.

Tara: I’ll do it.

Beck: Really?

Tara: Look, the last warm thing I touched was sourdough. So, Tip, where would you take me on our first date?

Tip: Well, I’ll take you back to my car and cook you cereal for dinner.

Tara: No, no, no. Shut up. I don’t care. I don’t care. We gonna smash. Just tell me where you live.

Tim: Um, the end of Brooklyn.

Tara: If I sprint, I can be there in 45.

Tim: Sweet.

Beck: Okay. Congratulations to the happy couple. Let’s meet our next non-option, Dern.

Dern: Hey, what’s good? I’m Dern. In lockdown, I wanted to be super productive and I was. I saw every episode of Family Guy. [impersonating Family Guy] Oh, Dernr! Gigidy, gigidy,gigidy. Rock lobster!

Beck: Yeesh. Well, I think it’s safe to say none of our ladies would–

Ashley: Yeah. Okay, he is fun.

Beck: You don’t wanna ask him anything first?

Ashley: No. No. He got the good parts with me. I’m good with him.

Dern: Look, you should know. It’s kind of been a while. So, first time–

Ashley: Yeah, well, I got it. First time’s for you. Second time’s for me. Tale as old as time. Let’s call an Uber.

Beck: Well, that leaves our last contestants. Looks like you’ll have your pick of the litter, Hayley.

Heyley: Whoever is fine.

Beck: Then you wanna at least meet him first?

Heyley: Yeah, sure. Fine.

[Townsen appears. He is wearing a robe and shiny sunglasses.]

Townsen: Hazza and hello?

Heyley: Yeah. He’s fine.

Townsen: My online community of friends call me Townsen.

Heyley: That’s fine.

Townsen: I write non-erotic fiction.

Heyley: Yeah. Good with me.

Townsen: And during quarantine, I invented a board game that’s similar to chess but it’s jacked hobbits versus big boobied centaurs.

Heyley: Whatever.

Townsen: How serendipitous. A union.

Heyley: But, um, just so you know, Im looking for something serious. My brother got engaged over quarantine and it lit a fire under my ass that could melt steel.

Townsen: Oh. No, no, no, no can do, baby. Townsen don’t do commitment. Townsen like to play.

Heyley: God! These past few months have been so hard for me.

Beck: Thanks for watching “How Low Will You Go?” I’m Beck. And when can I stop washing my hands?

[The End]

Daniel Craig James Bond Monologue

Daniel Craig

Chloe Fineman

Heidi Gardner

Beck Bennett

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Daniel Craig.

[Daniel Craig walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Daniel Craig: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. It is lovely to be back hosting Saturday Night Live. I hosted the show eight years ago. And my life is very different now. I moved to New York. So, when people say to me where Brooklyn at, I can actually tell them where it is. It’s over the Brooklyn bridge or the Manhattan bridge, just depending on the traffic.

Now, everyone assumes that because I played James Bond, I’m this, very suave sophisticated guy. Well, I have to admit. I kind of am. I mean, I’m James Bond. I know English people as supposed to be sort of humble. You know, they’re like, “Oh, I’m just a nerd.” You know? I’m not a nerd. You’re a nerd. Now, this next James Bond film is gonna be my last. But, it’s gonna be one of the best. Because we got Phoebe Waller-Bridge from “Fleabag” to help with some of the dialog. It’s not gonna be that different, but every so often, I will turn to the camera and I will say, “My name’s Bond. James Bond.” Is it bad that i fancy the pope?

Now, you also may have heard the release of the film has been delayed due to public health and so. But there’s this scene that’s my favorite. And you know, the producers are being kind enough to let me show it tonight. So, let’s take a look.

[Cut to sneak peek of “No Time to Die: 007”]

[James Bond walks in a craps game in a casino near Chloe. They’re all dressed very well.]

Craps. [whispering in Chloe’s ear] I always thought your game was stealing state’s secret.

Chloe: [with accent] Hmm, whatever you want from me, James. The odds are not in your favor.

James Bond: Well, maybe I’ll be lucky.

[James Bond shows the dice to Chloe. Chloe blows on them.]

Now, where’s your boss?

[James Bond throws the dice]

[James Bond and Chloe and looking at each other.]

Dealer: Seven. Winner.

James Bond: Really? Ha-ha. I just rolled a seven.

Chloe: What makes you think you can stop him?

James Bond: Oh, that’s simple, my darling. [throws the dice] I’m double-O…

Dealer: Seven.

James Bond: I can’t really– Not just once!

Dealer: High hand at the table, folks. Place your bets.

[a drunk couple joins the table]

Heidi: [to James Bond] Keep it up, tuxedo. My ass in the hole, you gotta dig me out.

Beck: I put big money down here, alright. Don’t lost em’. My wife’s gonna kill me. Ha! Who cares? Right? It’s my money. Right?

James Bond: Wow-wow-wow! What do I do now? What do I do now?

Old lady: Roll an eight for this old bean bag, would you?

James Bond: Okay. I can’t believe. My heart is beating so fast. This is just like– Okay, give me an eight. Give me an eight. Give me an eight.

[James Bond throws the dice]

Dealer: Six-two. Easy eight.

Old lady: This slime is rolling hot bones tongiht.

[Kenan walks in near James Bond]

Kenan: You sir. You. You, sir. You. Sir, you, you.

James Bond: I don’t know why. I never play craps. It’s so exciting. So- I- Okay. What do I do now?

Chloe: That depends. What you about–

[Heidi interrupts Chloe]

Heidi: Another game now. Right now, it’s don’t roll seven.

James Bond: Okay. Got it. Got it. Waitress, waitress, can I get a vodka-martini. Shake it– Oh, you know what? No. Can I get a vodka and Redbull, pine glass please. Thank you. No seven. No seven.

[James Bond throws the dice]

Dealer: We got a six.

All: Oh!

Kenan: This guy! This!

Beck: Let’s go. Let’s put all our chips on hard four.

James Bond: Let’s do it. Let’s do it. Hard four. Hard four.

[Chloe moves near James Bond]

Chloe: James, perhaps we should move this discussion into my suite.

James Bond: Okay, I’ll meet you up then. If I roll a hard four, you’re all gonna call me Simba because I am the king of the jungle.

[James Bond throws the dice]

Dealer: Two and two, make four the hard way.

[everybody cheering]

James Bond: [shouting] Yo! Yo! What my name is?

All: Simba! [Chloe is bored and embarrassed.]

[James Bond drinks his vodka with Redbull.]

Chloe: [in James Bond’s ear] My boss is in the Knezevic, Iceland. That is where specter is located.

James Bond: Cool. Ladies and gentlemen, I have an announcement to make. I’m buzzed.

[everybody cheering]

Okay, okay, what do I want now?

Kenan: Snake eyes.

James Bond: Oh, you don’t deserve snake eyes.

All: Oh, please!

James Bond: Okay, okay, okay. Then work for it, bitches!

[the old woman walks to James Bond and shows him her breasts]

Old lady: Hey, why don’t you take a look at these old snake eyes?

James Bond: Oh! This got you snake eyes.

All: Yay!

[James Bond throws the dice]

Dealer: It seems Mr. Bond, your luck [points a gun at James Bond] has run out.

Chloe: He’s a specter agent.

[in no time, James Bond shoots at the dealer on his chest.]

Dealer: Well played, Bond.

James Bond: Everyone alright?

Kenan: Yeah. Specially since you just rolled snake eyes!

All: Yay!

[James Bond starts shooting on the ceiling out of excitement.]

[Cut back to Daniel Craig in SNL monologue set.]

Daniel Craig: We have got a great show. The Weeknd is here. So, stick around. We’ll be right back.

[Kenan jumps in]

Kenan: This guy. Him. Him, y’all!