Tag: Pete Davidson

Spelling Bee

Emily Steel… Kate McKinnon

Todd Saint Lucian… Alex Moffat

Kevin Black… James Franco

Tania… Melissa Villaseñor

Johnathan… Luke Null

Kinson… Chris Redd

David… Pete Davidson

Emily: You’re listening to 91.7, Iowa city radio. We’re here broadcasting live from the Hancher Auditorium for the 2017 Iowa city all district spelling bee. I’m your host Emily Steel.

Todd: And I am still you color commentator, Todd Saint Lucian.

Emily: Todd, what do you make of the bee so far?

Todd: Emily, let me tell ya’, some of the words these kids have been spelling are absolutely magnificent.

Emily: Ooh! Ha-ha. Nice word, Todd.

Todd: Thanks. Just don’t ask me to spell it. [laughing]

Emily: Seriously? Alright. Well, the second round is just about to start. So, why don’t we join the action?

[Cut to the spelling contest]

Kevin: Congratulations to all of you for making it this far. My name is Kevin Black. And I’ll be moderating this round. Well, the first contestant, please step forward.

[Tania walks to the mic]

Emily: And first to the mic is 8th grader, Tania Clark. She breeze through round one. Let’s see how she does the second time around.

Kevin: Your word is ‘Berate.’

Tania: Could you use it in a sentence?

Kevin: Berate. I’m dead inside because my stepfather used to berate me with insults and emasculate me with feminine nicknames. Berate.

Tania: Could I get the definition please?

Kevin: Berate. To use insults in feminine nicknames such as ‘stupid Suzie tampon princess’ to emasculate your stepson and make him dead inside. Berate.

Tania: Um, okay. Berate. B-E-R-A-T-E. Berate.

[right answer bell]

Kevin: Congratulations. That is correct.

[Cut to Emily and Todd]

Emily: Well, that was insane.

Todd: I know. Six letters. That’s a lot.

Emily: Do you know how to spell, Todd?

Todd: Ha-ha-ha. Let’s get back to the action.

[Cut to the spelling contest. Johnathan is on the mic.]

Todd: 14 year old, Johnathan Winslow.

Kevin: Your word is ‘Chagrin.’

Johnathan: Could you use it in a sentence please?

Kevin: Chagrin. My step father, Kevin, told the entire lacrosse team that I hadn’t yet developed pubic hair much to my Chagrin.

Johnathan: Could I get a definition, please?

Kevin: Chagrin. The feeling of shame that results from your stepfather, Kevin, telling the entire lacrosse team that you’re ‘Like a baby seal down there.’

Johnathan: Um, okay. Chagrin. C-H-A-G-R-I-N. Chagrin.

[right answer bell]

Kevin: That is correct.

[Cut to Emily and Todd]

Todd: Well, Emily, we’re two words into round two. Any thoughts so far?

Emily: Well, Todd, so far it’s been depraved.

Todd: Ha-ha-ha. Sounds more like a round three word.

[Cut to the spelling contest. Kinson is on the mic.]

Uh, next stop is Kinson Clare. Let’s see what word he gets.

Kevin: Your word is ‘Urophiliac.’

Emily: Okay. So that’s a word for people who like getting peed on. So, um– [referee walks to Kevin and whispers on his ears] Yeah. Okay. Looks like the ref is getting involved.

[referee takes his flashcard away]

Kevin: Sorry for the delay. Apparently ‘Urophiliac’ is inappropriate word for Spelling Bee. But they’ve given me a replacement word instead. Your new word is ‘Adolescent.’

Kinson: Could you use it in a sentence?

Kevin: Adolescent. I used to be an adolescent. Now, as an adult, I’m a urophiliac. I derive sexual pleasure from being treated like a toilet. Adolescent.

Kinson: Can I get the definition please?

Kevin: Adolescent. What I was before I became an adult urophiliac. Meaning, I derive erotic pleasure from being treated like a toilet. Adolescent.

Kinson: Damn, man! Um, okay. Adolescent. A-D-O-L-E-S-C-E-N-T. Adolescent.

[right answer bell]

Kevin: Congratulations. You have spelled it correctly.

Kinson: You need help.

[Kinson walks out and David walks in]

Todd: And last stop is David Roberts.

David: Um, hey, man. Could I get like, a normal word?

Kevin: I’m just reading the cards.

David: Okay. Whatever, man.

Kevin: Your word is ‘Little Pig Boy.’

David: Oh. Could you use it in a sentence?

Kevin: Little pig boy. Mistress hates her little pig boy. I am her dirty little big boy. Please stand on me with your boots on. Little pig boy.

David: Could I get the definiton?

Kevin: Little pig boy. He’s that pathetic dirty bitch baby mistress gets to stand on. Little pig boy.

David: Um, country of origin?

Kevin: Little pig boy comes from the dirt. He’s a weasely little mud grub who needs to be stood on. Little pig boy.

David: Okay. Guess I’ll give it a shot. Um, little pig boy. L-I-T-T-L-E P-I-G B-O-Y. Little pig boy.

[right answer bell]

Kevin: That is correct.

[Cut to Emily and Todd. Emily looks shocked. Todd seems to have no idea.]

Todd: Well, that’s it for round two. Emily, how do you think it went?

Emily: Bad.

Todd: Well, at least the kids had fun.

Emily: They did not.

Todd: Okay. We’ll be right back.

Return Counter

Mikey Day

Luke Null

Kyle Mooney

Kenan Thompson

Leslie Jones

Saoirse Ronan

Chris Redd

Aidy Bryant

Cecily Strong

Pete Davidson

Heidi Gardner

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with some people in line at a mart’s return/exchange counter]

Mikey: Sir, I’m sorry, but we cannot accept any returns or exchanges without a receipt. Our store policy, man.

Luke: Man, that’s such a bull-crap. I’m sopping at Walmart from now on. That’s a better mart.

[Luke walks out]

Mikey: Okay, sir. You’re free to do that. Next in line, return or exchange?

Kyle: I’d like to return these [in loud voice] magnum condoms. Guys like me need bigger condoms. Do you see a bigger size?

Mikey: I don’t think so, man.

Kyle: [in loud voice] Dang, so the biggest condoms you sell are too small for me? I guess I’ll just have to go online to a bot guy website and see if I can find some there.

[Kyle walks out]

Mikey: Okay. Good luck with that. Next.

[Kenan walks front]

Kenan: Well, I hope that you have had a good life. You people have sold me a woman’s hand muff. Now that you’ve had your fun, kindly point me towards the men’s muff section please.

Mikey: Yeah, I don’t think we have those, sir.

Kenan: Oh, so you’re all sold out? Perfect!

[Kenan walks out]

Mikey: Hello.

[Leslie storms in]

Leslie: These diapers leak. Not to mention, my baby looks ridiculous in them.

Mikey: Um, these are adult diapers, ma’am.

Leslie: Man, what the kind of hell of an adult be dooking in his pants?

Mikey: I think when some people get older, it just happens. Either way, I’ll give you store credit, okay ma’am?

[Mikey hands Leslie over a paper. Leslie takes is angrily.]

Next please.

[Saoirse and Chris walk in]

Saoirse: Hi. I bought my boyfriend this men’s cologne because I thought he was a man. But he’s actually a bitch on the rags, so I’d like to exchange it for these tampons.

Mikey: Alright.

Chris: Babe, why are you doing this?

Saoirse: Because the man protects his woman.

Chris: Babe, a drunk guy spilled a drink on your shoe, I’m not gonna kick his ass for that.

Saoirse: Right, yeah. Because you’re a little girl who needs her tampons.

Mikey: [passing the tampons] Okay, you guys are all set.

Saoirse: Great, thanks. [to Chris] I’m leaving. Don’t follow me. [Saoirse walks away while Chris just looks around] [yelling] Are you coming?

Chris: Yes! I don’t know what to do, man!

[Saoirse and Chris leave]

Mikey: Next, ma’am. Hello.

[Aidy walks in. He has a parrot on her shoulder and it has pooped all over her shoulder.]

Aidy: Hello. I will not go into detail, but let’s just say that the brand of bird seed doesn’t agree with my parrot’s stomach.

Mikey: Yeah. I can see that. I can give you store credit.

Aidy: Okay. Wonderful. And can you just point me in the direction of women’s shirts, carpet cleaner and I guess, unfortunately, mouth wash.

Mikey: Oh, they’re all out in the store, ma’am. Thank you. Next.

[Aidy walks out. Cecily walks in taking a selfie video.]

Cecily: Okay, Facebook live.

Mikey: No, don’t.

Cecily: Get ready to watch a customer begging out her right.

Mikey: Ma’am. Stop doing–

Cecily: What? What? Can I talk?

Mikey: Can you just stop?

Cecily: Can I talk? Oh, can I talk?

Mikey: You come in here a lot.

Cecily: Coz y’all told me to test it, right? Watch, does this say goodbye to stains?

[Cecily opens a pan and tries to cover her shirt stain writing on it]

Look, stain. I’m stain. It ain’t doing nothing. Stain.

Mikey: You can’t rub it on mustard.

Cecily: And y’all trynna’ charge me $100?

Mikey: No, it didn’t cost $100.

Cecily: Oh, he calling me a liar. Facebook live. Say it again. It’s on Facebook live.

Mikey: No, I’m not calling you a liar.

Cecily: You know what? That’s racial discrimination. Find this man.

Mikey: Racial? You’re white!

Cecily: You don’t know that. Find this man! You going viral! You going– He going– You going viral!

[Cecily leaves]

Mikey: Okay. I’m not going viral. Next.

[Pete and Heidi walk in. Heidi has pregnant belly.]

Pete: Yo! These pregnancy test don’t work, man!

Mikey: Okay. Did you read the instructions?

Pete: Dude, yes. I’m not stupid. I read the instructions. I took it out, I peed on it, I waited 15 minutes and nothing happened.

Mikey: Oh wait, dude, you peed on it? No, she got to pee on it, man.

Heidi: I freaking told you, you freaking idiot! Now we’ll never know.

[Pete and Heidi storm out]

Mikey: [looking at Heidi’s belly.] Yeah. She’s pregnant, man. Um, you’re next.

[Cut to Kate at the doorway. She is an old lady on automated wheelchair.]

Kate: These jeans are too baggy. I look like an urban in them.

Mikey: Alright, can you just come up a little closer?

Kate: You’re the boss.

[Kate moves forward on her wheelchair and hits Mikey’s counter. Wheelchair’s airbag is triggered.]

Mikey: You did it again.

[Cecily walks in again taking selfie video]

Cecily: Oh, watch! Watch! Facebook live, he just killed that old lady. Y’all can see that? You’re going viral!

Mikey: No, I didn’t.

Cecily: He’s going viral.

Mikey: She’s not dead.

New Student

Mr. Nicetro… Kenan Thompson

Broady… Luke Null

Jacquelin… Saoirse Ronan

Aaron… Mikey Day

Randy… Kyle Mooney

Pete Davidson

William… Chris Redd

Janitor… Alex Moffat

Linch… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Mr. Nicetro speaking to the students]

Mr. Nicetro: Okay, class, before we dive into the unit review, I have cue the growns, rule breaks for midterm exam.

Students: Aw!

Mr. Nicetro: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I know. Get it out now. Alright, first–

[New guy walks in]

New guy: Mr. C. Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my alarm clock. [throws his back pack to his classmate] Hold my back pack. [walks to Jacquelin] Mr. C, Kelly’s a thief. She stole my breath away.

Jacquelin: Go away.

New guy: Ha-ha. Ouch, that hurt my feelings. But you can make it up to me by taking me to the movie on Friday.

Jacquelin: No, for real. Just get out of my space.

New guy: Alright, cool. Turning me down. Must be lesbian.

[New guy lights up a cigarette] Hold this. [passes the cigarette to Brad] Oh, my god! Brad, is that a cigarette? [takes a puff] It is! It is a cigarette. Shame on you, Brad. I’ll take care of this, Mr. C. He’s a jerk.

[New guy looks at Randy] Oh, Finkle Stein. Let me have your yamaka-dot-kamaka. Mr. C, don’t give me any homework this week. It’s Rashishanika. Salam. [

New guy runs to Pete] Nerd-le-Stein. Nerd-le-dean. [grabs Pete’s lunch bag] Oh, what do we got here? A little bit of egg salad. Very good. I’ll do you a favor and throw that into trach.

[New guy reaches to William] Yo, yo, yo. What’s going on, my dude? What’s good? Oh, nice kicks! Damn, Jina!

[Janitor walks in]

Janitor: Bad time to get the trash?

New guy: Oh, it’s the Janitor. Question, is the first thing your wife says when you get home? You smell? Or you smell terrible? I’m kidding with ya. Now, Mr. C, enough foreplay. What do you say, we learn a little English lit?

[New guy takes his seat. He puts his feet on the table.]

[Mr. Nicetro walks to New guy]

Mr. Nicetro: Shut up and get your feet out of the table.

New guy: Yes, sir.

Mr. Nicetro: Young man, in my 38 years as an educator, I have never seen anything as misguided and brazen as your behavior these last three minutes. Specially seeing as you are new here. And it is your first day at this school. None of us have ever met you. My name by the way is Mr. Nicetro. Not Mr. C. And the names you called them aren’t them either. Furthermore, this is an algebra 2 class, not English lit.

New guy: Oh, I’m sorry I had– I just wanted to make a splash.

Mr. Nicetro: Well, it was a belly flop. I think you owe everybody here an apology starting with the young lady you drooled over like a pig.

New guy: I’m sorry, Kelly.

Jacquelin: My name’s Jacquelin. And you’re right, I am a lesbian. It was really hard for me to come out. But you know, thinking about dating a guy like you makes me really glad I did.

William: My name is William, man! Not Lil D. Man, you said, “Yo, yo, yo,” I’m like, “Is this guy racist?” And then by “Damn Jina,” I was like, “Yeah.”

New guy: I’m sorry again. I just wanted to make the splash.

Aaron: Cool man. Hey, my name is Aaron. You called me Brad. I’m allergic to smokes. So I had to stick epipen into my leg after our interaction. So, thank you for that.

New guy: Oh, really. Dang!

Randy: For future reference, my name is Randy Goodman. Not Finkle Stein. And it’s Yamaka, not yamaka-dot-kamaka.

New guy: I was just trying to make everyone laugh. Also, I’m really sorry for whoever’s lunch I threw in the trash.

Pete: Oh, no worries, man. It’s not like I have a stomach issue and everything in that lunch was carefully picked out by a dietician. Killer joke!

Janitor: And that leaves me. I’m sorry your work isn’t up to your standards. And if you wanna let my wife know how bad I smell, she’s easy– She’s easy to find. Plot 199-J at New Haven cemetary.

[Janitor walks out staring at New guy]

Mr. Nicetro: Well, young man, today was not your day. But, perhaps, you’ll be able to move pass this socially. Now, what is your name?

New guy: Broady Cho.

[Jacquelin starts laughing]

Mr. Nicetro: Nope! Never mind. You’re doomed!

[Linch walks in. He is wearing a leather jacket.]

Linch: Oh, you’re starting without me?

Mr. Nicetro: Oh, Mr. Linch. How nice for you to join us.

Linch: Yeah, I’m sorry Mr. Nicetrum. You know, I lost track of time when I was writing in my diary about how much I love this class.

[Everybody cheers]

Mr. Nicetro: B! See Mr. Cho, that’s how it’s done. Come on, get in.

Bachelor Auction

Mikey Day

Brandon… Beck Bennett

Melissa Villaseñor

Chad… Pete Davidson

Sylvia… Cecily Strong

Cecil… Kate McKinnon

Patty… Aidy Bryant

Leslie Jones

Peg… Saoirse Ronan

Kenan Thompson

John McEnroe

[Starts with Mikey hosting an auction. Brandon is standing with Mikey on the stage.]

Mikey: Going once. Going twice. Whoa, sold for a whopping $1,600. Congratulations to this lovely young lady at table six. You have won breakfast in a private tennis lesson with our head instructor Brandon.

Brandon: Heads up. I’m gonna make you sweat.

Melissa: At breakfast?

Brandon: No. The tennis lesson.

Mikey: Okay. You two, go see Dana to set that date. $1,600 is the biggest take so far in our Orange Park Acres Tennis Club bachelor auction. Remember, all proceeds from tonight go to our club youth traveling team. So, keep those bids coming. Our next tennis club bachelor works at the club pro shop. It’s Chad. [Chad walks in] You may know Chad from vaping in the parking lot. You’re bidding on a lunch with Chad. So, we’ll start the bidding at, I don’t know, fifty bucks. Sounds good, Chad?

Chad: Okay.

Mikey: Alright. Do I hear fifty?

[Cut to the ladies]

Sylvia: Oh my god. There is something about that boy. $fifty.

Peg: 100.

Sylvia: 500.

Leslie: 1,000.

[Cut to Mikey and Chad]

Mikey: Wow, Chad’s a hit. Anything to keep those bids coming, man? You got any hidden talents, Chad?

Chad: Um, I made up the dance called ‘Doink Doink’.

Mikey: Alright, let’s see it.

Chad: Okay. [starts dancing] Doink Doink Doink Doink Doink Doink Doink Doink.

[Cut to the ladies]

Sylvia: Oh my god. The Doink Doink is amazing.

Peg: Yes. We have eyes, Sylvia.

Cecil: $5,000.

Sylvia: Oh, typical Cecil. Jump in the action’s hot.

Peg: $10,000, and I’ll raise myself to 15. I must have the Doink Doink.

Patty: Go home, ladies. Patty has come to play. Damn $30,000.

Peg: $50,000. And that’s a bargain.

Cecil: Look, I am willing to go to six figures, but I need more. What else does Chad bring to the table?

[Cut to Mikey and Chad]

Mikey: [to Chad] Um, any other talents, Chad?

Chad: Um, I could do an impression of Jim Carrey as the Grinch.

[Cut to the ladies]

Sylvia: Oh, Jesus, this place is going to explode.

Peg: $100,000. I don’t even need to hear it.

Cecil: What if it’s not good?

Sylvia: Of course, it will be good. It’s Chad, you cow!

Peg: Just shut up, all of you. Let Chad work.

[Cut to Mikey and Chad.]

Chad: Okay. Um, this is when he’s talking to his dog. [doing Jim Carry’s Grinch impression] Tomorrow’s Christmas. It’s practically here.

[Cut to the ladies. All of them stand.]

All ladies: $500,000.

Peg: $600,000. That sounded exactly like the Grinch.

Leslie: $700,000, and I didn’t even see the Grinch.

[Cut to Mikey and Chad]

Mikey: I feel like I’m in the upside down right now. Chad’s Grinch impression took us to 700 grand.

Chad: Oh, um, I can do a magic trick.

[Cut to the ladies]

Peg: It’s pointless ladies. There’s a reason you call me “Richy Bitch” behind my back. I get what I want.

Sylvia: Oh, quiet, Peg. Look.

[Chad is doing a stupid trick.]

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: $10 million.

[Cut to Mikey and Chad]

Mikey: Ten million, going once, twice, sold to the mystery man in the fun coat. Um, who are you, sir?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: It doesn’t matter. What matters is the lunch with Chad is mine. Have the boy cleaned and take him to my lodge.

[Kenan walks out]

[Cut to Mikey and Chad]

Mikey: Sounds kind of creepy. Are you cool with that Chad?

Chad: Okay.

Mikey: Okay. Big hand for Chad. [Chad leaves] Alright, Chad. Alright, on to our big ticket item, we pulled a lot of strings to get him here. Get your check books ready for our next bachelor. Tennis legend, John McEnroe.

[John McEnroe walks in]

Tell us, what are they bidding on, Mr McEnroe?

John McEnroe: Alright. I’m offering a weekend stay at my stay, a.k.a. the Mac Shack. It includes a three hours tennis lesson from your’s truly, a mixed double’s match with Andre Agassi and Steffi Graf. And of course, unlimited selfies with me, John McEnroe, the bad boy of tennis.

Mikey: Whoa. Okay. The bad boy of tennis. Ladies, start that bidding.

[Cut to the ladies. They don’t look interested.]

John McEnroe: What? You gotta be kidding me. [yelling] I’m John McEnroe, man! What do you ladies want? You can bring Chad along. Is this what you want? [starts dancing like Chad] Doink Doink?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: $20 million.

[Cut to Mikey and John McEnroe]

John McEnroe: Now that is more like it.

Mikey: Sold! $20 million.

Weekend Update- Pete Davidson on Staten Island

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, this year 47 million people will travel home to get home for thanksgiving. Here with his thoughts on going home for the holiday is Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Pete Davidson: Yeah. Hello. Hey, Colin. What up?

Colin Jost: Hello, Pete. Now, you and I are both from Staten Island. And, do you plan on going home for thanksgiving?

Pete Davidson: No. I don’t. [Cut to Pete Davidson] It’s not that I don’t love my family. I do. But, at this point, thanksgiving dinner is just a bunch of people asking me what Kate McKinnon is like. And I honestly don’t know. She never talks to me. Plus, I feel like my hometown doesn’t really like me either.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Why wouldn’t they like you? Everyone there is so nice.

Pete Davidson: Of course, you say that. You’re like the most popular person from there. This is how they write about Colin in our hometown newspaper, the Staten Island Advance. [Cut to a newspaper article.] “Colin Jost tees up. It’s about three weeks ’til election, but you could never tell by Colin Jost’s swing.” [Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost] And here is how they write about me. This is a review of a Weekend Update appearance I did. [Cut to a newspaper article.] “The best part about this one was his interaction with Colin Jost.” [Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost] No, seriously, it’s crazy. And look at the picture they use of you. [Cut to a picture of Colin Jost in a golf coarse.] Now look at the picture they use of me. [Cut to a picture of Pete Davidson drinking beer in a messy room.]

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: [laughing] Well, why do you think they don’t like you, Pete?

Pete Davidson: I have no idea. I mean, if I had to guess, it’s maybe something I said in an interview once, that I wished that when Hurricane Sandy hits Staten Island, it had ‘finished the job.’

Colin Jost: Yeah. I remember that one.

[Cut to Pete Davidson]

Pete Davidson: You know, maybe I did cross the line. But when a reporter from Staten Island wrote about it in the post, here’s what he said, [Cut to a newspaper article.] “Keep talking like that and you will be sleeping with the fishes.” [Cut to Pete Davidson] That’s a death threat. In a newspaper! Who does that? What are you? The zodiac? And then he said … [Cut to a newspaper article.] “Try taking a cue from your fellow ‘SNL’ cast member Colin Jost. He’s also way better looking than you.”

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Well, I can see how what you said might make you more unpopular.

Pete Davidson: Well, it was just a joke. A serious joke. You know, like, when you are joking but you mean it? [Cut to Pete Davidson] But I don’t even feel that way anymore. I would be just as happy if there was no hurricane and Staten Island just fell into the sea.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay. [Colin Jost and Pete Davidson laughing] Take it easy.

Pete Davidson: No, seriously though. [Cut to Pete Davidson] No, if Staten Island– [Michael Che laughing hard] If Staten Island is so desirable, then why is it free to get there? And, no, don’t get me wrong. I know Staten Island isn’t all heroin and racist cops. You know? It also has meth and racist firefighters.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

[Michael Che laughing hard]

Colin Jost: I just want to say, what you’re describing is not the Staten Island I know, Pete.

Pete Davidson: Well, coz they love you. You know? Like, you represent what they could be. You know, a kid who got out, he went to Harvard and is now apparently according to ‘People Magazine’ is the world’s sexiest joke writer. [Cut to People Magazine’s Colin Jost page.] [Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost] And look, the reason that Staten Island hates me is because I represent what they are. [Cut to Pete Davidson] You know. A mentally ill community college dropout who got a ‘Game of Thrones’ tattoo before watching the show. [Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost. Colin Jost is laughing hard.] Dire-wolves look dope! I don’t even know what’s going on. But hey, congrats on that sexiest thing by the way. [audience whooping] [to audience] Relax, okay? Let’s be honest, the sexiest joke writer is a really specific category. Yeah. It’s like being the world’s smartest horse. [Michael Che laughing hard]

Colin Jost: So, I take you’re not going home for thanksgiving?

Pete Davidson: No, I am.

[Everyone laughing]

Colin Jost: Okay. Pete Davidson, everyone.

Pete Davidson: What did I say?

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight!

Rap History

Lil’ Doo Doo… Pete Davidson

Corey Bonds… Kenan Thompson

Kenneth Moore… Chance the Rapper

Eddie Smith… Chris Redd

[Starts with video clips of hiphop culture in the streets]

Female voice: Hiphop has always been extremely competitive, specially between the generations.

Questlove: You know, you always gotta pay homage to the pioneers that put it down before us because if it wasn’t for them, we wouldn’t be here.

Common: It’s a respect thing. I’ve always been as student of hiphop.

Questlove: These new rappers coming out getting deals without even knowing the history of the game. It’s crazy.

[Cut to Lil’ Doo Doo. He has colorful hair, face tattoos, oversized sun glasses and blings.]

Female voice: Perhaps, there’s no better example of this than budding Soundcloud rapper Lil’ Doo Doo.

Lil’ Doo Doo: [rapping] Doodie gang, Doodie gang, Doodie gang, Doodie gang
wipe my butt with cocaine

Female voice: Who caused controversy recently when he claimed publicly that he’s never heard rap before 2009.

Lil’ Doo Doo: Ah, my influences? Sometimes I listen to old school hiphop, you know. Like, Soulja Boy, Bow Wow, sometimes Nick Cannon. You feel me?

Interview: What do you think about Run DMC?

Lil’ Doo Doo: Um, I think Hillary Clinton should have won.

Female voice: Lil’ Doo Doo’s attitude rubbed many hip hop pioneers the wrong way. Most notedly late 70 rappers, the Soul Crush Crew.

Corey Bonds: Man, all that ink on his face must be sleeping into his brain. Dissing the old school in the Soul Crush Crew.

Kenneth Moore: That child know nothing about hiphop. I don’t even recognize the new junk.

Eddie Smith: Boy, looking like that? He would not have made it back in my day.. where it all started. Let me take you back, 1978, the Bronx, New York.

Corey Bonds: Broken glass. Rats and roaches. Abandoned buildings. We had to dress tough. Not like this clown here.

[Cut to old picture of Soul Crush Crew. They were wearing funky outfit for that time.]

Kenneth Moore: I’m Kool Kenny Blade.

Eddie Smith: Chief Bronco.

Corey Bonds: And I’m DJ Grand Wizard Karate.

Kenneth Moore: And together, we are the Soul Crush Crew.

Corey Bonds: Rough!

[Cut to Lil’ Doo Doo laughin]

Lil’ Doo Doo: What the [bleep] was that, bro?

Kenneth Moore: We looked good.

Eddie Smith: All leather, everything.

Corey Bonds: Chains, spikes, fingerless gloves.

Kenneth Moore: And absolutely, no underclothes.

Corey Bonds: Fur coat. Pearls. Broaches. Pillbox hat. Tough stuff.

Eddie Smith: See, we was a group. So, we had to match. My thing was Indian head dresses and chaps because I’m Chief Bronco.

Corey Bonds: I always wore karate pants because my beats was kicking.

Kenneth Moore: And I never wore drawers. Swinging.

[Cut to Questlove]

Interviewer: You heard of Soul Crush Crew?

Questlove: Soul Crush Crew? Um..

[Cut to videos of Soul Crush Crew]

Kenneth Moore: Singing about popping pills and sipping lean. Please! These drugs are frying your brain.

Eddie Smith: The only drugs we ever did was reefer with a little bit of crack in it.

Corey Bonds: I bet this chump don’t even have a DJ.

Kenneth Moore: All our raps was clear and concise. And everything made sense.

[music playing]

Eddie Smith: Dibby, dibby, dabba, dabba, dibby
Dibby, dibby, dabba, dabba, dibby

Common: They’re the only rappers that I know that are pro crack.

Kenneth Moore: To the beat y’all, you don’t stop
I like my reefer with crack rock

Corey Bonds: Rough!

[Cut to Lil’ Doo Doo]

Lil’ Doo Doo: Alright, turn that off! This is ridiculous.

[Corey Bonds, Kenneth Moore and Eddie Smith walk in to confront Lil’ Doo Doo]

Kenneth Moore: What? You’re ridiculous.

Eddie Smith: Your raps are ridiculous.

Corey Bonds: Well, look at this chump. I bet you don’t even got a DJ.

Interviewer: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on. Let’s take five minutes, everyone. [Cut to video bumper. Plays sound of smoking drugs.]

[Cut to Lil’ Doo Doo, Corey Bonds, Kenneth Moore and Eddie Smith]

Lil’ Doo Doo: Yo, I talked to these dudes. We cool now. You feel me? We smoked some weed.

Eddie Smith: With a little bit of crack in it.

Lil’ Doo Doo: Ha-ha.

Corey Bonds: Rough!

Career Day

Mrs. Sellers… Aidy Bryant

Mrs. Tollerson… Cecily Strong

Matthew… Pete Davidson

Luke Null

Robby… Mikey Day

Scott… Chance the Rapper

Gary… Kenan Thompson

Bill… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Mrs. Sellers speaking to the class]

Mrs. Sellers: Well, I would say that there are more fun days than stressful days.

Mrs. Tollerson: Wow. Big hand for Matthew’s mom for telling us about her awesome job as a roller coaster designer for six flags.

Mrs. Sellers: Well, there is one last thing. Matthew, do you want to tell them?

Matthew: Um, my mom got the whole class annual passes to six flags.

Luke: Mrs. Sellers, you just made Matthew the coolest kid in school. Whoo!

[students are celebrating]

Mrs. Tollerson: Wow. Okay. This is a career week first. Roller coaster designing sounds very fun. Are they hiring?

Mrs. Sellers: Well, you need engineering degree.

[Mrs. Sellers walks away]

Mrs. Tollerson: No, that was a joke! Now, let’s bring up Scott and Robby to introduce their dads who are business partners. A double presentation, how fun.

[Robby and Scott walk to the front]

Robby: Well, um, Matthew’s mom is a tough act to follow. Roller coaster designer is very sweet. But I think our dads are up to the challenge. They are general contractors.

Scott: Trust me. It’s a lot cooler than it sounds. So, give it up for our dads, Bill and Gary.

Robby: Yeah.

[Robby and Scott take their seats. Gary and Bill walk to the front.]

Gary: Hello.

Bill: Good morning. Thanks. Gary and I started a company in 1996 called Petrol Works LLC.

Robby: Aw, such a dope name? Right? Petrol Works!

Bill: And we specialize in below ground construction of fuel tanks and flow piping for gas stations.

Scott: Yeap! This is happening.

Robby: Yeah. Pretty cool, right guys?

Gary: So, I guess we’ll kind of just take you through the process from the bid to the construction phase. First, we get contacted by a client such as Chevron.

Scott: Did you say Chevron? I think I speak for the entire class when I say, “Matthew’s mom, you suck!”

Gary: Hey, Scott! Alright. Other clients include Mobil, Exxon and Shell.

Robby: Wait! Mobil, Exxon and Shell? I mean, raise your hand if you just got so excited you blew your butt hole out.

Mrs. Tollerson: Robbie? Language. And boys, I’m glad you are excited, but please let your dads talk.

Bill: Alright. So, when a client wants to build a new service station, we put together a bid, i.e., how much it will cost to build the fuel system.

Robby: Oh my god, I need some water. This is so dope. So dope.

Bill: Some jobs are more complicated than others. We had a job last year where the gas station was built on a hill.

[Robby sprays the water in his mouth on Melissa’s face]

Robby: A hill? That’s so bad ass!

Melissa: Gross!

Bill: Robbie, what are you doing? Knock it off, son!

Gary: And fun fact, petrol works is the first GV firm to use solar powered flow valve switches.

Scott: Solar powered flow valve switches? Status of my jeans, please? Scanning jeans. Your jeans are creamed.

Gary: Hey, stop that porno movie talk stuff now. Alright. Let’s continue, Bill.

Bill: Alright. A big also consists of a field survey, which is my favorite part because it gets us out of the office.

Robby: Ha-ha. And that cool joke makes it official, I want to bang my dad.

Bill: What the hell did you just say, Robbie?

Scott: Sorry, sir, your job is just so cool, you’re making the entire class horny.

Gary: Hey! I don’t know why you going so crazy for our job, but stop it with the weird stuff. What is next, Bill?

Bill: Um, we wanted to show you all a picture from the construction process. This is from a Mobil station job in the North Fullerton.

[Gary holds a picture of the pipe work]

Scott: Oh my god.

Robby: That is the dopest thing I’ve ever seen in my entire life. Oh, I need to lie down. I’m gonna be faint. Oh my god, it’s just too dope, the pipes!

[Robby falls on classroom’s table and breaks it]

Mrs. Tollerson: Robbie?

Bill: Oh, come on, Robby, what the hell are you doing? Get up.

Gary: Hey, Scott Douglas, put your clothes back on right now!

[Scott is only wearing is underwear]

Scott: I can’t. I got so hot. It’s too dope. It’s too dope, dad.

Gary: Okay, Mrs. Tollerson, can I do the honors?

Mrs. Tollerson: Sure, Gary.

Gary: Alright, Robby, Scott, principal’s office right now! Go on.

Bill: Yeah.

[Robby and Scott walk out]

Robby: So dope.

Mrs. Tollerson: Okay, well, thank you Bill and Gary for speaking to us today. Boy, I wish my teaching got kids that excited.

Mrs. Sellers: Well, maybe you’re not just a good teacher.

Mrs. Tollerson: What’s your problem with me?

Tournament Fighter

Amy… Melissa Villaseñor

Pete Davidson

Kyle Mooney

Kenan Thompson

Scorpinox… Mikey Day

Deathstripe… Kate McKinnon

Pyro… Luke Null

Boo Boo Jeffries… Tiffany Haddish

Mark… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Amy and Pete playing video game in Gamer Con. Kyle is hosting the show.]

Amy: Come on, come on, come on! Damn!

Video game voice: Scorpinox wins.

Pete: Yes! Nice game.

Kyle: Alright. That was epic. Alright, attention, video gamers. Sonic Goon just knocked out Gamer Chick XX which means the quarterfinal match of the death fight 12 tournament will be Sonic Goon Vs. Pone Dunky. Pune Dunky, make your way to the tournament stage.

[Kenan walks in]

Kenan: Alright, let’s do this. Let’s do this. What’s up? What’s up? Alright, cool. What’s up? [Amy walks out and Kenan takes her place]

Kyle: Alright, one match. Best two out of three rounds. Sonic Goon, you are player one. Pick your Death Fighter.

[Cut to the video game character selection]

Video game voice: Player one, choose your fighter. Scorpinox. You selected Scorpinox.

Scorpinox: No mercy. Only pain.

[Cut to Pete and Kenan]

Kenan: Damn, man! I was gonna be Scorpinox. That’s cool though. Let’s see who our Pone Dunky gonna beat you with.

Video game voice: Player two, choose your fighter.

[Cut to video game character selection]

Deathstripe.

Deathstripe: Let’s rip some throats up.

[Cut to Pete and Kenan]

Kenan: Na, I don’t like Deathstripe’s combos. Next please.

[Cut to video game character selection]

Video game voice: Pyro.

Pyro: Who wants to feel the burn?

[Cut to Pete and Kenan]

Kenan: Pyro’s too slow, man. I need somebody like Doom Snake. Where my boy Doon Snake at?

[Cut to video game character selection]

Video game voice: Boo Boo Jeffries.

Boo Boo Jeffries: Boo Boo Jeffries, y’all know me! Hah!

[Cut to Pete and Kenan]

Kenan: Boo Boo Jeffries? Yo, part 12 added some whack characters. I’m sorry, Boo Boo, but that’s a next.

[Kenan mistakenly presses ‘select’ button]

[Cut to video game character selection]

Video game voice: You selected Boo Boo Jeffries.

Boo Boo Jeffries: Knock, knock, who’s there? Boo Boo Jeffries. Boo Boo Jeffries, who? If you don’t know, you stupid.

[Cut to Pete and Kenan]

Kenan: Hey, I pushed a wrong button. Can we start it over?

Kyle: Hey, sorry dude. No resets in tournament play.

Kenan: Even if we accidentally pick Boo Boo Jeffries? A character that I have never even seen before?

Pete: Hey, let’s go to our fighter overview.

[Cut to video game fighter overview]

Video game voice: Boo Boo Jeffries fighter overview.

Boo Boo Jeffries: Get to know your girl, Boo Boo Jeffries.

Video game voice: Primary attack.

Boo Boo Jeffries: Rihanna! Rihanna! Rihanna!

Video game voice: Secondary attack.

Boo Boo Jeffries: Beyoncé! Beyoncé! Beyonce!

[Cut to Pete and Kenan]

Kenan: Yo! Those are her special moves? This is a game where you rip people’s heads off.

[Cut to video game fighter overview]

Video game voice: Fighter’s strehgths.

Boo Boo Jeffries: My relationship with my mom. She’s my best friend

Video game voice: Fighter weaknesses.

Boo Boo Jeffries: My biggest weakness is fighting.

[Cut to Pete and Kenan]

Kenan: Fighting? Thats the only thing you got to be good at in this. It’s called Death Fight!

[Cut to video game fighter overview]

Boo Boo Jeffries: My other weakness is, I get weird in groups. I’m great one on one but in groups, sad is my ass shuts down. I get quiet and all in my head, “Why do I do that?”

[Cut to Pete and Kenan]

Kenan: I don’t know, Boo Boo Jeffries. Hey man, I payed 75 bucks to play in this tournament, man. Just let me be Doom Snake.

Kyle: Ay, I’m sorry man. Rules are rules. Good luck, gentlemen.

[Cut to the game fight]

Video game voice: Scorpinox versus Boo Boo Jeffries. Round one. Fight!

Scorpinox: Death punch!

[Scorpinox punches Boo Boo Jeffries on her face. Boo Boo Jeffries heal bar is empty.]

Boo Boo Jeffries: No!

[Boo Boo Jeffries walks out]

Video game voice: Scorpinox wins.

Scorpinox: Your defeat tastes delicious.

[Cut to Pete and Kenan]

Kenan: She left? Yo, I didn’t even get to push one button.

[Cut to Kyle and Amy]

Amy: You should have done a Rihanna on him.

[Cut to Pete and Kenan]

Kenan: No, I should have picked Doom Snake.

[Cut to Kyle and Amy]

Kyle: Hey, you’re never gonna win with an attitude like that. Let’s go round two.

[Cut to video game]

Video game voice: Round two. Fight!

Boo Boo Jeffries: [staying at one place] Rihanna! Rihanna! Rihanna!

[Boo Boo Jeffries’ move did no damage to Scorpinox]

[Cut to Pete and Kenan]

Kenan: Yeah. Yeah, that Rihanna move was a big help, thanks.

Kyle: Hey, try to do combo or something, bro. Come on, now.

Kenan: Alright, let’s see what this combo is all about.

[Cut to video game]

Boo Boo Jeffries: Boo Boo Jeffries combo, prepare to be marked!

Video game voice: Combo!

Kenan: You getting marked for death. I knew my girl Boo Boo would come through.

Boo Boo Jeffries: This is my sister’s husband, Mark. You in trouble now.

[Mark walks in wearing a formal outfit.]

Mark: Okay, listen up, buster. The funny business ends now. Now, hit the road, Jack!

Boo Boo Jeffries: That’s a real man right there.

[Cut to Pete and Kenan]

Kenan: I am literally pushing no buttons right now. This is just happening.

[Cut to video game]

Mark: Hey! Hey, bud? You got wax in your ears? I said, scram!

[Scorpinox punches Mark on his stomach. Mark falls.]

[Cut to Pete and Kenan]

Kenan: Wow! Really saved the day there, Mark.

[Cut to video game]

Boo Boo Jeffries: Okay, real talk. Nothing good comes from violence. When you fight, you lose. So, Boo Boo Jeffries is removing her self from the situation, which means Boo Boo Jeffries wins.

[Cut to Pete and Kenan looking all confused]

Kenan: Wins at what? Live or the game?

[Cut to video game]

Video game voice: Scorpinox wins.

Kenan: Oh, so not the game.

[Cut to Pete,Kenan, Kyle and Amy]

Great. Great. Cool.

Kyle: And Sonic Goon takes it. He’s going to the semi.

Kenan: Well, I guess there’s a reason why Boo Boo Jeffries isn’t on the cover of this game with all other fighers.

Amy: Yeah. She hates group settings.

Kenan: I’m sorry, what’s your name?

Amy: Amy.

Kenan: Shut up, Amy!

The Price Is Right Celebrity Edition

Drew… Beck Bennett

Lil’ Wayne… Chris Redd

Ramal… Kenan Thompson

Tilda Swinton… Kate McKinnon

Marcia… Leslie Jones

Chris Hemsworth… Alex Moffat

Amanda… Miley Cyrus

Bernie Sanders… Larry David

Derek… Pete Davidson

Ariana Grande… Melissa Villaseñor

Tony Bennett… Alec Baldwin

Sofia Vergara… Cecily Strong

[Starts with ‘the Price is Right’ intro]

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Welcome back to the ‘Price is Right’. The favorite show of people who are in between jobs. Hang in there. I’m your host, Drew Carey. It’s celebrity week. Hollywood’s biggest stars are playing alongside contestants from our studio audience. Starting with Lil Wayne and Ramal.

[Cut to Lil’ Wayne and Ramal]

Lil’ Wayne: Bitches love lil’ Weezy. And Lil’ Weezy loves moolah, baby!

Ramal: Yeah. And Ramal Johnson also loves moolah, baby.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Tilda Swinton and Marsha.

[Cut to Tilda Swinton and Marcia]

Tilda Swinton: I’ve been watching ‘the Price is Right’ since I was a little girl growing up on the planet Krypto.

Marcia: Um, yeah. I’m going to need another famous person.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Ah! No tradesies. Next up from the new ‘Thor’ movie, Chris Hemsworth and Amanda.

[Cut to Chris Hemsworth and Amanda]

Chris Hemsworth: Yeah, good day. I’m Chris and I walked here. I like to walk, yeah? Get the blood pumping. yeah. Back home, I walk from Mumumaloo over to Katoomba up to the Hawke’s Bay river and that was all before I had me morning Salmon. First question, yes.

Amanda: You’re really cute.

Chris Hemsworth: Yeah. Sorry, love. I’m married.

Amanda: Do you have a brother?

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: And Bernie Sanders and Derek.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders and Derek

Bernie Sanders: Thank you. It’s good to be here. [cheers and applause] But I just wanna say this show is a travesty. Consumerism disguised as entertainment. That being said, I do need a new dinette set.

Derek: Are you okay?

Bernie Sanders: Better than ever. We’re gonna win this thing the Bernie way. Which means if I lose, I’ll being everyone else down with me.

Derek: Whoo! Bernie’s back!

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Alright. The winner of this round will join Ariana Grande and the legendary Tony Bennett who are standing by at the wheel.

[Cut to Tony Bennett and Ariana Grande]

Ariana Grande: I’m excited to spin that wheel with you, Tony.

Tony Bennett: What?

Ariana Grande: We’re gonna spin the wheel.

Tony Bennett: Yeah, my grandfather worked in steel, too.

Ariana Grande: No. The wheel.

Tony Bennett: Wheel! That’s right. Just like the tiny little wheels of cheese you eat because you’re a mouse. Speaking of wheels, are your intestines spinning out of control? If so, reach fo some Imodium AD. [Tony Bennett shows a box of Imodium AD] AD stands for Anti-dump. Give it a chance before you fill your pants. Reach for Imodium AD. It will keep your colon sighter than a Scotsman’s coin purse. Back to you, Bob Barker.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: It’s Drew. It’s been Drew for 10 years. Okay. Alright, now, let’s start the bidding on a Samsung high efficiency washing machine. Our guest announcer Sofia Vergara will explain the features.

[Cut to Sofia Vergara standing with a brand new washing machine]

Sofia Vergara: Yes, thank you, Drew. This appliance, a big capacity and fast spin. Like a cat in a tornado. I love the image I create with my own words.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Thank you, Sofia. And what movie are you here to promote?

[Cut to Sofia Vergara]

Sofia Vergara: Pepsi! [holding a Pepsi can]

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Alright. Lil’ Wayne an Ramal, your bid.

[Cut to Lil’ Wayne and Ramal]

Ramal: Oh, man. I could really use a new washing machine.

Lil’ Wayne: We bid $92,000.

Ramal: Wait man. That’s a little high.

Lil’ Wayne: I’m a little high. Here, have some, it’s basically poison. [passing Ramal his cup of drink]

[Ramal takes a sip]

Ramal: Damn! $92,000!

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Okay. Put $92,000 on the board. Tilda Swinton and Marcia, your bid.

[Cut to Tilda Swinton and Marcia]

Tilda Swinton: Oh, I’m alright. I don’t need another tiny spaceship. Mine is working fine.

Marcia: What is this little dutch boy talking about? This is a washing machine.

Tilda Swinton: Oh, a washing machine. Of course. I bid David Bowie’s soul. Wink, wink. [whispering] I have it.

Marcia: Someone call 911. That is a pistachio loose from the nut house.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Okay. Let’s put David Bowie’s soul on the board. Next, we have Chris Hemsworth and Amanda. What’s your bid?

[Cut to Chris Hemsworth and Amanda]

Chris Hemsworth: Um, I would like to phone a friend, mate.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: As I have already told you multiple times back stage, that’s not a thing you can do on this show.

[Cut to Chris Hemsworth and Amanda. Liam Hemsworth is with them.]

Chris Hemsworth: Yeah, too late. I already did it to my brother.

Liam: I ran here as soon as you called, mate.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Alright, how much do you think the washer costs?

[Cut to Chris Hemsworth, Amanda and Liam Hemsworth]

Chris Hemsworth: Well, in the outback mate, we don’t really use money. We rely on a complex bartering system.

Amanda: Oh, no. That ain’t good.

Liam Hemsworth: We bit 150 crocodile teeth. Boom! Ha-ha.

Chris Hemsworth: Love it.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Put that on the board if you can. And finally, Derek and Bernie Sanders.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders and Derek]

Bernie Sanders: I’ll tell you what I think, Drew.

Derek: Already a bad start.

Bernie Sanders: The real problem in this country is American consumerism. Who needs a washer? When I need to wash that one suit I own, I just wait until it rains. I stand outside for DrewMarcia minutes. And then I jog behind a bus until the exhaust dries me off.

Derek: Okay, cool. But I need this money.

Bernie Sanders: Oh, you need money. I’ll tell you how to get money. Here’s what you do. When you go to a gas station and you see the ‘Take a penny, leave a penny’, you always take a penny. That’s how I bought my first house. Our bid is eight cents, Drew. And that’s a generous price.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: The actual price is $600.

[winner music playing. The camera zooms to Bernie Sanders and Derek]

Bernie Sanders and Derek, you’re the only team that didn’t over-bid or bid in non-currency. So you are our winner. [Cut to Drew] When we come back, you will have a chance to play plinko. Sofia, tell them how it works.

[Cut to Sofia Vergara standing in front of the game board.]

Sofia Vergara: It’s Plinko.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Thanks Sofia. I love the way she moves.

[Tony Bennett walks in]

Tony Bennett: And speaking of moves, are your pipes clogged up worse than a Porta Potty at Lollapalooza?

Drew: Please don’t do this.

Tony Bennett: Then reach for Dulcolax. [showing a box of Dulcolax] You drop one of these plinko chips into your tum tum and 10 minutes later, your sphincter starts paying out like a slot machine. We are talking the loosest slots in Carson city.

Drew: Alright, we’ll be right back.

Tony Bennett: [singing] Dulcolax, we’ll blow up your hole.

Drew: With more of the Price is Right.

Bank Breakers

Barry… Mikey Day

Paul… Kumail Nanjiani

Gretchen… Cecily Strong

Josh… Alex Moffatt

Pat… Pete Davidson

Robber… Beck Bennett

[Starts with “Bank Brekers” intro]

Male voice: It’s “Bank Breakers.” With your host, Barry Fielder.

[Cut to Barry.]

Barry: Welcome to Bank Breakers where greed isn’t good, it’s great. Let’s say hello to our contestands, Paul and Gretchen.

[Cut to Paul and Gretchen. There are money bags before both contestant’s tables.]

[Cut to Barry]

The game is simple. Steal each other’s money to win big. So let’s start it off as we always do with a quick cash grabber question. This West Coast city is known as the city by the bay. [beep] Paul?

[Cut to the contestants]

Paul: San Francisco, baby! [right answer bell]

Barry: Correct! Steal one of Gretchen’s money bags.

[Paul takes a money bag from Gretchen’s table]

Paul: Oh, feels good to take your money. You’re going down, lady. Whoo!

[Cut to Barry]

Barry: Alright. That self high-five from Paul there who is one step closer to our grand prize of $50,000. What would you do with all that moola, Paul?

[Cut to Paul]

Paul: Oh, man! I need a wardrobe refresh. So, I’m buying a bunch of dope jackets and jeans. Jackets and jeans. Whoo! Jackets and jeans.

[Cut to Barry]

Barry: Jackets and jeans. Nice, buddy. How would you spend that cash, Gretchen?

[Cut to Gretchen]

Gretchen: On a medical procedure for my ten year old daughter, Willow, to restore her hearing. [Paul leans in the screen and is showing his thumbs down to Gretchen. Gretchen has cracking emotional voice] She has 90% hearing loss in both ears. [Paul slowly rotates his hand to make it thumbs up] Sorry.

[Cut to Barry]

Barry: Wow. That’s a very worthy cause. Good luck, Gretchen.

[Cut to Paul]

Paul: Barry, I should mention that I will be donating some of my jackets and jeans to the charity, cars for kids.

[Cut to Barry]

Barry: Pretty sure they want cars, but hey, you do you, man. Paul, you’re up first. Pick a category.

[Cut to game screen. There are nine categories.]

Paul: Um, let’s go with Wiz Kid.

Barry: Alright. This category is about that famous boy wizard, Harry Potter. [Cut to Barry] Paul, you can play or pass to Gretchen.

[Cut to the contestants]

Paul: Well, you know, I feel a little bad about the way I celebrated when I took your bag of money. So I’ll pass to Gretchen. Give her a shot.

[Cut to Barry]

Barry: Alright, Gretchen. How are you feeling? Are you a potter head?

[Cut to Gretchen]

Gretchen: No. NO. When Harry Potter got big, I was serving four tours of duty in Iraq and I just kind of missed it.

[Cut to the contestants]

Paul: She’s a veteran?

[Cut to Barry]

Barry: She is. And Gretchen, thank you for your service. So, it’s the military veteran versus the– I’m sorry. What do you do, Paul?

[Cut to Paul]

Paul: I do online advertising for Marlboro cigarettes.

[Cut to Barry]

Barry: Versus Paul. [Cut to split screen with Paul and Gretchen] First question, Gretchen. Name the author of the Harry Potter series.

Gretchen: Oh, boy.

Paul: Oh, come on. You know this.

Gretchen: Um, J– I’ve heard his name before.

Paul: Her. Her name.

Gretchen: Jake Rowling.

[wrong answer sound]

[Cut to Barry]

Barry: Oh, no. It’s J.K. Rowling. Big tobacco gets the steal.

[Cut to Paul]

Paul: Please don’t call me that. [Cut to Paul and Gretchen. Paul takes another money bag from Gretchen.] I am so sorry. Thank you for your service.

[Cut to Barry]

Barry: Before we continue, Gretchen, I understand your family is here today.

[Cut to Gretchen]

Gretchen: Yes. Two of them are. My beautiful daughter, Willow and my handsome husband, Josh.

[Cut to Willow and Josh in the audience]

Josh: We’re proud of you, mommy! Even if you don’t win, we’ll find a way fo pay for Willow’s surgery and we are going to find a way to replace everything those Bulgars stole from us.

[Cut to Paul]

Paul: Their house got robbed?

Barry: Yeah. Sure did. And who is cheering you on today, Paul?

[Cut to Paul. He has very sad face.]

Paul: My roommate, Pat.

[Cut to Pat. He is wearing t-shirt with ‘Loser’ written on it and an arrow pointing at Gretchen’s daughter.]

Pete: I’m sorry about this shirt. I didn’t know I would be next to a little girl. Paul told me it would be funny.

[Cut to Paul]

Paul: I didn’t know about all their stuff. I’m so sorry. You know, it’s difficult for an immigrant like me to navigate this country’s culture. I grew up in Pakistan. Life there is very hard.

[Cut to the contestants]

Gretchen: Yeah, yeah. It is. I spent two years stationed in Karachi. How old were you when you came to the US?

Paul: 14… weeks old.

[Cut to Barry]

Barry: Wow. So, Gretchen spent more time in Pakistan than you did. That’s crazy. Um, Paul, pick a category, bud.

[Cut to the game screen.]

Paul: Let’s go with Pickers and Pluckers.

Barry: Alright. Oh-oh! You found the Bank Breaker! Paul, answer this question right and you take all of Gretchen’s money. But get it wrong, she takes all of your’s. Questions in this category, Paul, are about country music.

[Cut to Paul]

Paul: Oh! Okay, I don’t know anything about country music. I’ll play, Barry.

[Cut to Barry]

Barry: Alright. Darius Rucker scored a hit with this 2011 song about a break up.

[Cut to Paul]

Paul: [happily laughing] Oh! I got nothing. I don’t listen to country–

Barry: [interrupting] That is correct. “I got nothing” is the title of that song. Way to get Gretchen’s hopes up, buddy. Man, you are brutal.

[Cut to Paul]

Paul: No, no, no. I was trying to lose. I swear it.

[Cut to Barry]

Barry: Alright. Let’s get Robby the robber out here to help Paul steal Gretchen’s cash.

[Cut to Paul]

Paul: No. No. Please don’t bring out the robber guy. Please don’t do this.

[Cut to all]

Robber: Sorry, Gretchen. Looks like this money is for jackets and jeans. Not for surgeries. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Barry]

Barry: Whoo! Paul takes a huge lead and he’s headed into round two with all of Gretchen’s cash.

[Cut to Paul,Gretchen and robber]

Paul: I don’t want this.

[Cut to Barry]

Barry: Bank Breakers will be right back.