Tag: Maya Rudolph

NBA Bubble

Patrice Soupsalad… Chris Rock

Candis… Ego Nwodim

Queenie… Chloe Fineman

Kittie…Lauren Holt

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

Maya Rudolph

Punkie Johnson

Delivery guy… Andrew Dismukes

Heidi Gardner

Adam Silver… Alex Moffat

Athlete… Chris Redd

Meghan Thee Stallion

[Starts with ESPN show intro]

Male voice: Live from Big Thunder Mountain Hotel in Orlando, it’s the NBA Bubble Draft finals. With your host, Patrice Soupsalad.

[Cut to Soupsalad in the show set]

Soupsalad: Welcome, welcome, welcome. That’s right. During this unique NBA season, our players have been completely isolated from their wives, their girlfriends and whoever else they might wanna see. None of we reached NBA finals. These lovely ladies have one last chance to join the NBA bubble. This is the a NBA Bubble draft.

[Cut to sponsored ads]

Male voice: Brought to you by, Summer’s Eve Lysol wipes, because you may have sadden someone, and you don’t want to get it that way!

[Cut back to Soupsalad]

Soupsalad: Now, these women may not get an NBA championship ring, but they can get the next best thing. Soupsalad8 years of child support.

[There are three women standing beside Soupsalad]

Let’s pick the top draft picks.

Candis: I’m Candis and I’ve got a really impressive resume. Lil’ Wayne, Lil’ Dicky, Wesley Snipes and two years of nursing school. Shublop!

Queenie: I’m Queenie, a former hockey ho who styled in in two sports. I used the follow the Canucks but now I follow the Kanicks. Leave me in a bubble.

Kittie: [holding a syringe] I’m Kittie. I’m an essential worker here to shoot my shot.

Soupsalad: So, you’re a COVID nurse?

Kittie: [nodding her head] Sure!

Soupsalad: Seeing a lot of promise here today. It’s gonna be difficult to choose the smartest, the prettiest, and the most down for whatever, if you know what I mean. So, who’s next?

[There’s another woman dressed in leopard print dress and she is holding a bag.]

Aidy: A-hah! Honey, how’d I get this bag, how’d I get this ring? Well, let’s just say it’s velvet down there. [pointing at the audience] Hey, hey, is that girl laughing at me?

[Cut to the audience. They are just real-life-size cardboard cutouts.]

Soupsalad: Sweetheart, that’s a cutout of a face.

Aidy: Well, she got a stank face and she’s flat as hell!

[Aidy walks out and Kate walks in.]

Kate: Hey, hey. Is this where the Seattle Storm and the Las Vegas Aces are staying?

Soupsalad: I think you’re looking for the WNBA.

Kate: Ha-ha-ha. Right, you are, sir. Yes!

Soupsalad: Love is love. Love is basketball. Who’s next?

[There’s another woman beside Soupsalad]

Maya: My husband and I have been together singe high school. We have five kids and I am his rock. But he already told me wives aren’t allowed in the bubble, so I am just here to send my man some love.

Soupsalad: Well, you are allowed in the bubble. You just have to quarantine.

Maya: Oh, interesting. That is not the information that have been previously relayed to me. But now that I’m privy to this, my husband is a dead man.

Soupsalad: Things are heating up.

[There’s another woman beside Soupsalad]

Punkie: How y’all doing? I’m TJ and I’ve been here for 60 days, because I just have to keep restarting quarantine because I can’t stop ordering buffalo wild wings.

Soupsalad: The bubble is tight. No ordering outside food.

Punkie: It’s alright because I made it to day 13, so I am good.

[A delivery guy walks in]

Delivery guy: Um, I have a buffalo wild wings delivery here.

Punkie: I said contactless delivery, man!

[Punkie walks out and Heidi walks in.]

Heidi: Hi. I was actually quarantined in Disney World anyway. I just work in the hall of president’s. I played Monica Lewinsky, but then I got older. [whispering] Pills. And now I get to be Goofy. Marry me, basketball. Oh, I should put on my mask.

[Heidi wears Goofy dog’s mascot head.]

[There’s a sound playing]

Soupsalad: You know what that sound means. The draft pick has been made. Please welcome NBA commissioner, Adam Silver.

[Adam Silver walks in with a young basketball player walking behind him.]

Adam Silver: Hey! Alright. Good work, Soupsalad. Wow. You know, being here today just proves that even in a pandemic, you can’t keep a good ho down. With that being said, our point guard’s beautiful wife Michelle is here. So, obviously we’re gonna–

Athlete: [interrupting] Uh-uh. There’s a change of plans. I choose her. [pointing at Meghan]

Meghan: Ah! Oh my god! I promise you won’t regret this, okay? It’s been a long journey to get here. All the DM slotting, all the thirst trapping. You got my Amazon wishlist, right?

Athlete: Uh-huh.

Meghan: Love you.

Soupsalad: First wives, second wives, mistresses and side pieces, this has been the NBA Draft Bubble.

First Debate Cold Open

Chris Wallace… Beck Bennett

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Joe Biden… Jim Carrey

Kamala Harris… Maya Rudolph

[Starts with a message video]

Male voice: The following is a re-broadcast of Tuesday’s presidential debate. Even though Tuesday feels like Chris Wallace00 days ago, we though it was important to see it again since it might be the only presidential debate. And it was pretty fun to watch as long as you don’t live in America.

[Cut to Presidential Debate video bumper, Cleveland, OH.]

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: Good evening. I am your moderator Chris Wallace, and I think I’m going to do a really, really good job tonight. First, I want to lay out the rules which both parties agreed to in advance. Each candidate will have two minutes uninterrupted–

Donald Trump: Boring!

Chris Wallace: Mr. President, I haven’t even introduced the candidates yet.

Donald Trump: Tell that to my Adderall, Chris. Now, let’s get this show on the road and off the rails.

Chris Wallace: And you did take the COVID test, you promised to take in advance, correct?

[Donald Trump has his fingers crossed.]

Donald Trump: Absolutely. [looks at his fingers crossed] Scout’s honor.

Chris Wallace: President Trump has already introduced himself. So, let’s now welcome the democratic candidate–

Donald Trump: Boo. Here comes the booing.

Chris Wallace: Former vice-president of the United States–

Donald Trump: Allegedly.

Chris Wallace: And senator from Delaware–

Donald Trump: Not even a real state.

Chris Wallace: Joe Biden.

[Joe Biden walks in. He is wearing aviators sunglasses.]

Mr. Vice President.

[cheers and applause]

Joe Biden: Just one second, Chris.

[Joe Biden pulls out a measuring tape. He measures the distance from Donald Trump’s podium to his podium. He then moves his podium a bit further away from Donald Trump.]

Okay.

Chris Wallace: It looks like you’re ready to debate, Joe.

Joe Biden: Absolutely not. [takes his sunglasses of] But I’ve got the beginning of Kamala Harris6 fantastic ideas I may or may not have access to. Now, let’s do this. I’m holding my bladder. Let’s get at her.

Chris Wallace: Tonight, we’ll be discussing six major topics none of which anyone will remember by tomorrow. We begin with the supreme court. President Trump, two minutes.

Donald Trump: I’m gonna do Chris Wallace0. I’d like to begin with a list of complaints. People are mean to me. Joe here is very mean. Chris Wallace is mean. The economy is mean. It keeps losing jobs which is mean to me. The China virus has been very mean to me and being a hoax. And that statement is something that I will– It will probably come back to haunt me later this week.

Chris Wallace: And what about the question I asked you about the supreme court?

Donald Trump: I think I already answered that question, Chris. We’re very excited about our nominee, Amy Christina Barcelona. And it was so nice to welcome her in the other day with open arms and uncovered faces.

Chris Wallace: Mr. Vice President, same question. You have two minutes.

Joe Biden: Thank you, Chris. Now, look. Here’s the deal.

Donald Trump: No, it’s not.

Joe Biden: Excuse me. Please, could you just–

Donald Trump: No. Whatever you’re going to say, no.

Chris Wallace: Mr. President, please let him speak. He let you speak. Now, let him speak.

Donald Trump: But he is lying. I can’t point out if he says a lie?

Joe Biden: I said two words, you son of a– No, don’t do it, Joe. It’s exactly what he wants. Don’t let your inner whitie vulture come out. Just splash them all the smile they taught you in anger management. [smiles]

Chris Wallace: Now, Mr. Vice President, and only Mr. Vice President, would you consider adding additional justices to the supreme court?

Joe Biden: Um–

Donald Trump: [interrupting] He won’t even answer.

Chris Wallace: I just asked the question!

Donald Trump: And he won’t even answer it.

Joe Biden: Um–

Donald Trump: [interrupting] Just like he won’t answer about his son Hunter and Burisma, and the mayor of Moscow, and Obama was spying on me, and he emailed Benghazi.

Chris Wallace: Mr. President, you’re just listing terms you heard on FOX News. It sounds like you’re saying the names of characters from season Kamala Harris of a show that no one has watched.

Donald Trump: Sheriff of Portland.

Chris Wallace: Mr. Vice President, your turn.

Joe Biden: Look, here’s the deal–

Donald Trump: [interrupting] Can I respond to that, Chris?

Joe Biden: Would you just shut up, man? No, Joe, no. Don’t lose control. It’s what he’s hoping for. Okay. Where was I?

Chris Wallace: You said, “Look, here’s the deal.”

[Joe Biden blows a paper bag and bursts it.]

Joe Biden: Okay. Look, here’s the deal. [Joe Biden waits to see if Donald Trump interrupts him again. Donald Trump doesn’t.] No, lost it. Come back to me. I’ll find it. It’s up here somewhere.

Donald Trump: Chris, can I say one thing? Am I allowed to say one thing?

Chris Wallace: Yes, Mr. President.

Donald Trump: What we need in this country is law and order. When someone breaks the rules, they need to face the consequences. No exceptions.

Chris Wallace: Okay, what about your taxes?

Donald Trump: There have to be exceptions, Chris. The terms law and order, they are very vague terms. And rules are meant to be broken. It’s the same with masks. I’ve got mine right here in my pocket. [Donald Trump pulls out a pink panties] Okay, it’s right here. But you don’t need a mask all the time. It’s like a seatbelt. You wear when you’re backing out of the driveway, then you can take it off. But Joe wears the biggest mask you’ve ever seen. He’s always standing Donald Trump00 feet away from people.

Joe Biden: Look, man. I’m a nice guy. But if you give me any more guff tonight, I’ll rip your face off like a mad chimp. I’ll knock that thing up your head and burn it, bury it in the pit cemetery where it came from. Stop it, Joe. Stop it. God, you can’t lose your cool just coz this joker’s raising little monkey dust. The country is counting on you. You just stand here and look lucent. I know it. I know what will calm me down. My new Harry Styles meditation tape.

[Joe Biden puts in an air pod in his right ear. Harry styles appear in an imaginary cloud.]

Harry Styles: We dip our toes in the cold wet sand.

Joe Biden: Nice.

Harry Styles: And sit and face the sea.

Joe Biden: Cleansing.

Harry Styles: We’ll let the waves wash over us. Alone, just you and me.

Joe Biden: Okay.

Donald Trump: I think maybe I should listen to my meditation tape as well.

[Donald Trump puts in an air pod in his right ear. Melania Trump giving speech appear in an imaginary cloud.]

Melania Trump: [yelling] Ladies and gentlemen, leaders and voters, for freedom and liberty and the American dream, the best is yet to come. [screaming]

Chris Wallace: Alright, alright, can we please have a civilized dialog? Debates are a hime honored tradition and the bedrock of the American democracy.

Donald Trump: Gay!

Chris Wallace: Mr. President, if you keep interrupting this debate, I’ll do absolutely nothing about it?

Donald Trump: Okay, okay, I’ll be quiet.

Joe Biden: I don’t want to be dictated to, and I’m not gonna be distracted anymore by this clown tonight, okay? I’m definitely gonna concentrate. I’m gonna try to keep my cool. [a red-dot laser is targeting at Joe Biden.]

What is that? Where is that coming from?

[Donald Trump is holding a small laser pointer. It is him pointing the laser at Joe Biden. Joe Biden is scared for his life.]

Donald Trump: Oh, it’s not. It’s not a laser pointer. It’s a wand that cures the COVID.

[Kamala Harris walks in]

Kamala Harris: Boys, boys, boys, boys. [cheers and applause] Both of you, this stops right now. Alright? You look at me, Donald, you do not treat my Joe like that, alright? He’s a nice boy.

Joe Biden: Kamala, I got this.

Kamala Harris: Uh-uh, Joe. Let Mamala go to work. Now, Donald, I want you to apologize to Joe.

Donald Trump: He started it.

Kamala Harris: Hey! Hey! I don’t care who started it. Alright? I don’t even care who sharted it. Now, you apologize to Joe, now.

Donald Trump: Sorry.

Kamala Harris: I’m sorry. What’s that?

Donald Trump: I said sorry.

Kamala Harris: You know, look, I think if there’s one thing we learn tonight, it’s that America needs a WAP. Women as president. [cheers and applause] But for now, I’ll settle for HVPIC. Hot Vice President In Charge. So, why don’t the two of you finish this debate or whatever the hell this is with some dignity? And when you’re done, I’ve got you boys some PB and Jane apple slices waiting for you back stage.

Joe Biden: Yummy!

Chris Wallace: Thank you, Senator Harris.

Kamala Harris: Oh, I am not done with you, Chris. You will see me in my office after debate.

Donald Trump and Joe Biden: Ooh!

Chris Wallace: And finally, just to ensure this is the worst presidential debate in history, I’d like to close with white supremacy.

Donald Trump: Oh, baby, come to papa.

Chris Wallace: Mr. President, I’ll ask you directly. Do you condemn white supremacists?

Donald Trump: Condemn them? I don’t know any. I mean, who are you even talking about? The proud boys? The white boot? The eugenics eagles? I didn’t even know any of these groups. I certainly wouldn’t even know how to signal them if I tried.

Joe Biden: America, are you listening to this? The president of the United States is literally blowing a dog whistle.

[Donald Trump is blowing a whistle]

Donald Trump: I don’t think this thing is working. I don’t hear anything.

Chris Wallace: Mr. Vice President, your closing statement.

Joe Biden: Well–

Donald Trump: [interrupting] That is so unfair. Why don’t I get to make a closing statement first? After all, I am the pres– [Donald Trump stops moving (pauses). Joe Biden is holding a remote and smiling.]

Joe Biden: Sorry, but I think we all needed a break. Isn’t that satisfying? [takes a deep breath] Just not to hear his voice for a single god damn second. Let’s wallow in it. Let’s bask in the Trumplessness. Now, Chris, could I speak directly to the American people?

Chris Wallace: Is it gonna be weird?

Joe Biden: Totally. Totally weird. [music playing in the background] America, look at me. Look directly into my eyeballs. You can trust me, because I believe in science and karma. Now, just imagine if science and karma could somehow team up to send us all a message about how dangerous this virus can be. [looks at Donald Trump] I’m not saying I want it to happen. But just imagine if it did. So, this November, please get on the Biden train which is literally a commuter train to Delaware. And we can all make America not actively on fire again. Okay, now I’m unpausing.

[Joe Biden presses the play button]

Donald Trump: Antifa!

Joe Biden: No! [presses the pause button again. Donald Trump stops moving again.] Can’t do it. Gonna leave him on pause. And one more thing.

All: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

 

Harkin Brothers Band

Sasheer Zamata

Fred Armisan

Maya Rudolph

[Starts with a band standing on a stage]

Sasheer: Hey, 38th community center. How y’all feeling tonight?

[audience whooping]

Alright, who likes early 70s style southern rock?

[silence]

Anyone? No? Well, we already paid for this. So please welcome the Harkin Brothers.

[The band has a lot of members.]

Fred: How y’all doing? We’re the Harkin Brothers band and who here is from Arkansas? Nobody? Any of you kids been there? Well, here’s a song about it. Two, three, four.

[band playing music]

[singing] Frogs are jumping upon to the lily pads
eaten plates of honey ham all day
commute in the air tiring to a swimming hole
Arkansas is calling out my name
hot, hot, summer time

Maya: Nothing like a nap in a burned out pickup truck
fireflies they’re riding to my mouth

Fred and Maya: Running barefoot on the pile of rocks and stones

Then I see…

All: Henrietta, Henrietta 

Fred: Get up here.
Summer time in Fayetteville
hot, hot, summer time

All: Summer time in Fayetteville
hot, hot, summer time

Summer time in Fayetteville
hot, hot, summer time

Summer time in Fayetteville
hot, hot, summer time

Summer time in Fayetteville
hot, hot, summer time

Summer time in Fayetteville
hot, hot, summer time

Summer time in Fayetteville
hot, hot, summer time

Summer time in Fayetteville
hot, hot, summer time

Weekend Update Dilma Rousseff

Colin Jost

Dilma Rousseff… Maya Rudolph

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: This week, Brazilian president Dilma Rousseff was ousted from office and faces impeachment for committing budget fraud. Here to comment is president Dilma Rousseff.

[Dilma Rousseff slides in with a cigar in one hand and a cocktail in another.]

[cheers and applause]

Dilma Rousseff. Bien Bonitos.

Dilma Rousseff: [foreign language] Thank you for calling me.

Colin Jost: Well, I gotta say. You seem pretty upbeat for somebody who just got kicked out of office.

Dilma Rousseff: Oh, Colin Ju. I feel great. It’s my retirement. Now I go in big vacation. Cheers.

Colin Jost: Wait. It was an impeachment. It’s not your retirement.

Dilma Rousseff: Ah! You say potutu, I say potata. [Cut to Dilma Rousseff] In Brazil, we have much bigger problem than impeachment. Okay? Our economy is major [foreign language] Our rivers are full of poison from the human dookies. We have [foreign language] in all the little, how do you you say this? Um… [foreign language] Pakotako.

[Cut to Dilma Rousseff andColin Jost]

Colin Jost: Worse. No, I think it’s mosquito.

Dilma Rousseff: [foreign language]

Colin Jost: I think it’s the same in Portuguese. Mos–

Dilma Rousseff: Moskeiter.

Colin Jost: So, President Rousseff.

Dilma Rousseff: No-ah-ah! I am not a presidente anymore, Colind Jus. Now you can call me by my beautiful first name Dilma.

Colin Jost: Okay then. Dilma.

[Cut to Dilma Rousseff]

Dilma Rousseff: No, no. [with accent] Dilma. Like your tongue is mad at the rest of your mouth. Say like this. Dilma.

Colin Jost: Dilma

Dilma Rousseff: You are not good at it. But you know what? You are very cute like a juicy baby. Who is your young friend?

Colin Jost: Oh, that’s Michael. Yes.

Dilma Rousseff: Michael Che!

[Cut to Michael Che waving and laughing]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Dilma Rousseff]

Dilma Rousseff: Coline Ju, do you like my hair?

Colin Jost: Your hair is beautiful.

Dilma Rousseff: Thank you, [Cut to Dilma Rousseff] because I go to the barber and I say, “Hey guys, give me the new Rue Mcclanahan.”

[Picture of Rue Mcclanahan appears and they look the same.]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Dilma Rousseff]

Colin Jost: Oh. It’s great.

Dilma Rousseff: [foreign language]

Colin Jost: Very nice. Could you just explain why your government wants to impeach you?

Dilma Rousseff: It’s same. The budget had a hole. I cook the book to hide the hole. Now everybody say, “Take a hike. You are [unintelligible] presidente.” But for me its no problem. I go to the beach, okay? I make relax. I drink, [foreign language].

[Cut to Colin Jost and Dilma Rousseff]

Colin Jost: Now hold on. Are you concerned with everything that’s going on in Brazil? Do you think you’re prepared for Rio to host the Olympics in just two months?

[Cut to Dilma Rousseff]

Dilma Rousseff: Umm…. [thinking] Nah! But we only have one or two thing left to do. Such take 1 million poo-poos out of the river and build all the buildings.

[Cut to Dilma Rousseff and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wait, hold on. You haven’t built any of the buildings yet?

Dilma Rousseff: It’s good, Colin. It’s fine, juicy baby. It’s fine. [Cut to Dilma Rousseff] It’s what you call B-Y-O-B. Right? Right Che? Bring your own buildings.

[Cut to Dilma Rousseff and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay.

Dilma Rousseff: Now, everybody samba. Un, dos, tres.

[drums playing]

[Dilma Rousseff starts whisteling]

Colin Jost: Dilma Rousseff everyone.

Special Offer

Chad Douglas… Taran Killam

Victoria Douglas… Vanessa Bayer

Lola Fabre… Maya Rudolph

Gloria Wallace… Amy Poehler

Angie Francis… Tina Fey

[Starts with a disclaimer]

Male voice: The following is a paid advertisement

[Cut to Chad Douglas and Victoria sitting in front of their chimney]

Chad Douglas: Hello. I’m Chad Douglas.

Victoria: And I’m Victoria Douglas.

Chad Douglas: For those of you who don’t remember, my wife and I had a hit variety show back in the 70s. It was called the Chad and Mrs. Douglas show.

Victoria: We loved doing that show and we extra loved hand picking some of our favorite Christmas moments to share with you this holiday season.

Chad Douglas: Here’s the magnificent Lola Fabre , singing the 12 days of Christmas after putting 12 shots of rum in her eggnog.

[Cut to Lola.]

[music is playing]

Lola: Ho, ho, ho.

[singing] On the first day of Christmas [mumbling] looking to me
[mumbling] three
On the third day of Christmas [mumbling] looking to me
three to the da-do-dum-three other things
and the [mumbling]

[Lola throwing the presents to the kids]

Wow! That’s a lot of words. Here, have some gifts, children. Here you go young man. [passing the present to a girl]

Here’s something for your junior.

Oh, I love children. They are the future.

[pulling out a present] Alright, here we go.

[singing] On the other day of Christmas [mumbling] to me

a rum and [mumbling]

[shouts and throws a present out]

Wow! Miss Fabre is going up on the lyrics. All to do props and words at the same time kids. Keep it together Lola. Five, six, seven, eight.

[dancing slightly]

Fabre, Fabre, alright
back on track on
five onion rings
four twizzle zees
three throng dos
two two-two-two
five or six or twelve this song

Change! Bye, bye.

[Cut to Chad Douglas and Victoria]

Chad Douglas: You know, Lola came on our show many, many times. And let me tell you, that’s the best she ever did.

Victoria: Lola was a gifted mess of a woman.

Chad Douglas: Our next clip features a famous disco diva and party girl named Gloria Wallace. And boy, she liked the white stuff.

Victoria: Oh, you mean cocaine?

Chad Douglas: Please sweetheart, be cool.

[Cut to Gloria dancing with other backup dancers.]

[music playing]

Gloria: Come on, come on, come on, come on.

The intro is chill on! The intro is chill on! Let’s get it. Go, move faster, faster. Alright! Johnny has more right? Let’s go. Let’s go.

[singing] All the river outside is dreadful

come to the end, let us know, let us know, let us know

Ay! Let’s go. It’s time to get Johnny on the phone. Somebody call him. I wanna go to good club. I wanna get a steak sandwich. [Gloria is sucking cocaine with a vacuum cleaner.] But I never wanna eat it. Come on now! I have lot of ideas! I’m gonna go tell somebody.

[Gloria runs through the background poster.]

[Cut to Chad Douglas and Victoria]

Chad Douglas: I just wanna say we all miss Gloria. Remember the way wear your seat belt.

Victoria: And remember to close your car door while you’re driving.

Chad Douglas: This next clip was always the number one favorite for me and my wife.

Victoria: Oh! Wife.

Chad Douglas: Not a compliment honey. It’s just what you are.

Victoria: Still, it’s sweet.

Chad Douglas: Uh-huh. Speaking of sweet, please enjoy this next clip starring the beautiful, young Angie Francis, and a special guest, it’s a real treat.

[Cut to Angie sitting and drinking wine.]

[music playing]

Angie: [singing] I really can’t stay.

[Cut to OJ Simpson]

OJ Simpson: But baby, it’s cold outside.

Angie: Gotta go away.

OJ Simpson:But baby, it’s cold outside.

Angie: Say what’s in this drink.

OJ Simpson: Oh, that is like a vitamin for when you bombed out about your career, all this to make you smile and help you reach your goal.

Angie: Yeah. Something’s up with that.

[Angie hands over the glass of wine to OJ Simpson and walks away]

OJ Simpson: No, no, wait. I wanna show you my penis.

[Cut to Chad Douglas and Victoria]

Chad Douglas: You know, now that I’ve seen these clips, all we really have are three very short awful things.

Victoria: Maybe that’s why the DVD is this big. [showing a tiny disc]

Chad Douglas: It still would make a great gift for somebody.

Victoria: Yeah, probably, but all the moments are in the commercial.

Chad Douglas: What are you dong? Don’t tell them that.

[The End]

Bronx Beat with Betty & Jodi

Betty… Amy Poehler

Jodi… Maya Rudolph

Caren… Tina Fey

[Starts with Bronx Beat with Betty & Jodi intro]

[cheers and applause]

Betty: Hello. Hi, hi, hi. Welcome to Bronx Beat. I’m Betty.

Jodi: I’m Jodi, you know that.

Betty: Yes, hello, hello. Welcome to our Christmas episode. Cheers to Christmas.

Jodi: Cheers to Christmas. Here you go. Cheers friend. Wait a minute, you put alcohol in this eggnog?

Betty: Of course, what do you think?

Jodi: I’m not having any, coz you know what? I gotta drive.

Betty: We all gotta drive. What? Everyone’s driving. We’re all gonna drive. So, it’s Christmas but not that you would know it coz every time you turn on your TV, what do you see? Bad news.

Jodi: Bad news. Gloom and doom. I’m sick of it. So stupid. It’s Christmas. Give me a break.

Betty: You know what I want for Christmas? No more bad news.

Jodi: Thank you. Yeah, it’s Christmas. You think Santa comes down your chimney? It’s ISIS.

Betty: I-yay-ISIS. Okay? ISIS. Enough! Take a day off. Go! Take a nap. Go for a walk. Do something nice. Go see a movie.

Jodi: Yea! Go see Star Wars.

Betty: Oh, my god! Enough! Enough. No. I don’t wanna watch Star Wars okay? May the force give me a break already. I’m saturated. Everywhere you look, it’s Star Wars and yogurts and soups and busters and backpacks and candy bars and soup.

Jodi: You know what? Not for me. Too many laser and blip bloops, it’s exhausting. Grow up.

Betty: There’s a giant talking dog in that movie. So dumb.

Jodi: Yeah, that’s why they call it a wookie.

Betty: A wookie. And his name is Chewy. You know what? I’m through-wy with Chewy.

Jodi: Yeah. Coz he’s a wookie.

Betty: A wookie?

Jodi: What the hell is a wookie?

Betty: A dog man that flies in plane. Pass!

Jodi: You know how they say. I’m sick of Star Wars and wookie? [starts gargling]

Betty: The only thing about space I’m more interested in is more counter space.

Jodi: Thank you.

Betty: Because my dumb husband takes it up will all those neutro-bullet.

Jodi: Ah! So dumb.

Betty: Makes these shapes.

Jodi: Shapes are dumb. My dumb husband. We’re laying in bed and he’s farting in asleep. And I’m blaming it on the dog. Dog looks at me and says, “Uh-uh, it’s that guy!”

Betty: Husbands are so dumb.

Jodi: [sobbing] But I love him. Farts and all. He farts like a dog but he makes love to me so gently. And we made four children.

Betty: Alright! Jodi, really, relax.

Jodi: I’m fine. I’m fine. Anyway, who cares? The three of our guests, who is it?

Betty: Alright. We know it wasn’t available coz of holiday, so I got my cousin Caren from Philly.

Jodi: Oh right, cousin Caren. I like her. She’s cute.

Betty: Yeah, she’s cute, right? She’s bring some warm home made Christmas ornaments. She’s gonna show it to us. She sells them on etzy whatever.

Jodi: Come on in.

Betty: Come on Caren. Hurry up now.

[Caren walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Okay, good to see you Caren. How are things in Philly?

Caren: Yeah, okay. I just got on clearing dead boy out of my yard. And maybe gang stuff, the take down is sure. My son Dave just started Roxy. How are yous?

Jodi: Oh, my god. Caren. I forgot what a beautiful accent you have. You sound fancy.

Betty: So classy.

Caren: Get out! Don’t be stupid.

Betty: I have always, always been jealous of that accent.

Jodi: I wish I had an accent.

Betty: Me too. I talk so boring. Okay, say things in Philly. Say water.

Caren: Water.

Jodi: What did she say?

Betty: Say water.

Caren: Water.

Jodi: What did she say?

Betty: Water!

Jodi: What’s she saying?

Betty: Say water.

Caren: Water. Yeah, water.

Jodi: So beautiful.

Betty: It’s like Downtown Abby.

Jodi: You talk like a beautiful fairy.

Betty: Yeah. So, what’s new in Philly?

Caren: Well, you know. My brother Dave and his friend Dave and their other friend Dave saw a guy beat a salvation army staying with an old car battery in a wild-wild parking lot. Philly is a war zone.

Betty: Okay. Caren, we don’t want anymore bad news.

Jodi: We are sick of bad news, Caren.

Caren: Okay, well this is kind of good news. On the other day, serial killer killed another serial killer in front of the liberty bell. So, that’s two less serial killers. In Philly, we call that a Christmas miracle.

Betty: You know what? The world has gone coo-coo. I don’t even drink coffee in the morning anymore. I go straight to wine.

Jodi: Yeah! I mean, come on! Seriously people, it’s Christmas. And it’s crazy. The traffic, [sobbing] I couldn’t get anywhere.

Betty: She’s crying about the traffic.

Jodi: The taxi driver, fair and a half just for going off a block. So stupid street!

Betty: Jodi. Why are you crying over traffic? Are you okay? You having crazy mood swings.

Jodi: Fine!

Caren: Do you want some water?

Jodi: Some what? Warder?

Betty: Hang on. I’m like Colombo over here. Look, you’re not drinking, your moods are all over the place.

Jodi: I’m fine.

Betty: Oh, my god. My gut is telling me something. Please tell me I’m wrong. Please tell me I’m wrong.

Jodi: You’re wrong. I’m pregnant. Ah! I have an eighteen year old going to the University of Marilyn and I have this ghost shop for a crib after this show.

Caren: Jodi, what a terrible news.

Betty: Terrible! Terrible news. But babies are a blessing.

Jodi: Babies are a blessing. I know. I love babies. And I love you guys. Merry Christmas.

Betty: I’m so happy for you. But let me tell you something. If I was pregnant, I would kill myself. Alright, we’re almost out of time. And I just realized, we never really looked at your ornaments, Caren.

Caren: Oh, okay. Yeah, here’s one. [Caren pulls out a instant noodle cup hung opposite to a thread.] I gotta be honest with you. They’re not great.

Betty: No, not at all.

Jodi: No, they are not.

Betty: They are not great. Don’t quit your day job.

Jodi: Yeah, just put it back int he box.

Betty: Put it back in the box. It’s offending me. Alright, so, Merry Christmas.

Jodi: Merry Christmas everybody. I gotta go. I gotta go get a crib.

[The End]

Home for the Holidays

Daniel… Eddie Murphy

Brian… Chris Redd

Kenan Thompson

Donna… Maya Rudolph

Ego Nwodim

Matthew… Mikey Day

[Starts with a family having Christmas dinner]

Daniel: Before we eat, I want to say a few words.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Make it quick, dad. I’m starving.

[other family members laughing]

[Cut to Daniel]

Daniel: I will, I will. I just want to thank everyone for being here. And not just the immediate family. I’m talking about all the cousins and their kids and everybody.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: That’s how it should be.

Daniel: That’s right, pop. [cut to Daniel] I know everybody is busy with their lives. Their own things they have to do but it means so much that you’re here with us in our home for the holidays.

[Cut to Donna]

Donna: That goes for both of us.

[Cut to Daniel and Donna late at night arguing in their room]

Daniel: [yelling] How come your damn sister couldn’t host?

Donna: My sister’s house is a dump, Daniel.

Daniel: You know? I got to pay for all this damn food? Hell no!

[Cut back to the family dinner]

Daniel: As I have always said, this house is happier when it’s full.

[Cut to Daniel knocking the door at night]

Daniel: [yelling] Get out of the bathroom!

[Cut back to the family dinner]

Grandpa: Son, you and Donna have been such gracious hosts. [Cut to Brian and Grandpa] I just hope I haven’t been a nuisance.

[Cut to Grandpa coughing at night]

Grandpa: [coughing loudly] It’s so damn dry!

[Cut to Daniel and Donna not being able to sleep because of noise Grandpa is making]

[Cut back to the family dinner.]

Donna: What are you talking about? We love having you here.

[Cut to Grandpa coughing at night]

[Cut back to the family dinner.]

Daniel: And of course, this is our first Christmas with our soon to be son-in-law Matthew.

[Cut to Matthew and Ego holding hands]

When you two got engaged, [Cut to Daniel] all of us were just smiling from ear to ear.

[Cut to Ego arguing with Daniel and Donna]

Ego: Why cannot I marry him? Because he’s white?

Daniel: [yelling] Yes!

[Cut back to the family dinner]

Donna: Welcome to the family, Matthew.

[Cut to Ego arguing with Daniel and Donna]

Ego: You guys are being so racist.

Donna: Damn right we are. No offense Matthew.

[Cut to Matthew just sitting there]

Matthew: None taken.

[Cut back to the family dinner]

Donna:  I’m just embarrassed we have to put you two on the air mattress.

[Cut to Ego]

Ego: Mom, for the last time, it’s fine.

[Cut to Ego and Matthew]

Matthew: Yeah! It’s actually super comfortable.

[Cut to Ego and Matthew not able to sleep because of uncomfortable bed]

Matthew: [yelling] This sucks!

[Cut back to the family dinner]

Daniel: And then there is Brian. [Cut to Brian] Back from college. It sure is great to have my boy back home for a few weeks.

Brian: It feels good to be home, dad.

[Cut to Daniel and Brian watching TV. Daniel is using the remote.]

Daniel: I am pushing it.

Brian: That’s channel dad! Not source.

Daniel: But channel is the source.

Brian: No, no. I showed you just yesterday!

Daniel: Just get your useless black ass out of here. I know how to do it. Just go.

[Brian leaves]

Stupid ass! Son, come back in here.

[Cut back to the family dinner]

Grandpa: Well, I just want to say as you get older, it all goes that much quicker. We should all cherish this time we all spend together as a family this Christmas. I know I will.

[Cut to Grandpa sleeping on a couch]

[Cut back to the family dinner]

Daniel: Thank you, pop! I could go on. But I know better than to let a meal my wife spent so much time cooking go cold.

[Cut to Donna]

Donna: Oh, stop. I just threw it together.

[Cut to Donna panicking at the kitchen]

Donna: No, no, no! [beep]

[Cut back to the family dinner]

Daniel: Anyway, thank you all for being here. And I really mean that.

Narrating: I know it might be a little crowded —

[Cut to children screaming in front of Daniel]

Daniel: This room is off limits. Get off me!

Narrating: And we might even get on each other’s nerves a little bit.

[Cut to Brian and Donna in the kitchen]

Brian: Hey, ma! Do you have any–

Donna: [yelling] No! Whatever it is, no!

Narrating: This is going to make the memories last a lifetime.

[Cut to Ego walking in toilet. Grandpa is already there.]

Grandpa: Um, occupied!

Ego: Grandpa! Lock the door!

[Cut back to the family dinner]

Daniel: Christmas is about family. And I am blessed to spend it with mine. Cheers!

Everybody: Cheers!

Brian: That was beautiful, dad.

Grandpa: Well said, son.

Matthew: That was great, dad.

PBS Democratic Debate Cold Open

Judy Woodruff… Heidi Gardner

Elizabeth Warren… Kate McKinnon

Andrew Yang… Bowen Yang

Pete Buttigieg… Colin Jost

Amy Klobuchar… Rachel Dratch

Bernie Sanders… Larry David

Joe Biden… Jason Sudeikis

Michael Bloomberg… Fred Armisen

Kamala Harris… Maya Rudolph

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Nancy Pelosi… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Democratic Debate intro]

Announcer: You’re watching Democratic Debate on PBS.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

[cheers and applause]

Judy Woodruff: Hello, I’m Judy Woodruff and welcome to the Democratic Debate. Just like the bachelor, the further we go, the less diverse it gets. So, lets begin. From Massachusetts, it’s senator Elizabeth Warren.

Elizabeth Warren: Woo! In here, and I am in my element. PBS is my safe word. Last debate I gave you policy TMI and now I am ready to walk in.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Also in the debate stage tonight is Andrew Yang.

[Cut to Andrew Yang]

Andrew Yang: Well, my candidacy will be completely ignored by the media. That’s why I’ll conduct the rest of the debate in virtual reality! [Andrew Yang puts on his VR console on.] In here, I’m the front-runner.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff”

Judy Woodruff: He is the mayor of South Bend, Indiana. It’s Pete Buttigieg.

[Cut to Pete Buttigieg]

Pete Buttigieg: Hello, thanks you. It’s wonderful to be here tonight but I have to warn everyone tonight, I’ll be in attack mode, as long as it’s okay with you guys.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: The senator from Minnesota, Amy Klobuchar.

[Cut to Amy Klobuchar]

[cheers and applause]

Amy Klobuchar: The bang is glued, girlfriend. And tonight, my voice will be as solid as my carefully rehearsed mid western mom jokes.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: The senator from Vermont, Bernie Sanders.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: I’m Bernie Sanders. I’m white, can’t help it. Let’s move on.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Vice president Biden.

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Hey, all right.

[cheers and applause]

Hey. Notice anything different about me? Grandpa Joe got the glow up. I was Irish man. Younger, yep. Taller, sure. Better, no.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: And businessman Tom  St — wait. Mayor Bloomberg?

[Cut to Michael Cloomberg]

[cheers and applause]

Michael Cloomberg: Oopsie. Classic billionaire switcharoo.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Mr. Bloomberg, you did not qualify for this debate. How did you get here?

[Cut to Michael Cloomberg]

Michael Cloomberg: Well, for $Andrew Yang0 million, PBS is now owned by viewers like me. Look, I even got a tote bag.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Before we begin with the questions, does anyone want to prove they’re presidential by starting a petty little fight?

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren, raising hand desperately]

Elizabeth Warren: Yes! Yes! Judy, I just want to point out to everybody that mayor Pete here, held a billionaire fundraiser in a wine cave with crystals, dripping candelabras, basically “eyes wide shut” minus any sex appeal, whatsoever. Now, look, I’ve never even been to a wine cave. I haven’t even been to filene’s basement. Too much shimmer and shine.

[Cut to Pete Buttigieg]

Pete Buttigieg: Okay, I would just like to point something out, I’m the only person on the stage who isn’t a millionaire or a billionaire. I live on my mayor’s salary plus $Elizabeth Warren0 a week allowance from my parents, and that’s only if I do my chores.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Senator Klobuchar, you’re looking assertive today. Is there something you would like to add?

[Cut to Amy Klobuchar]

Amy Klobuchar: Yes. The only cave I ever go to is a man cave. I call it ‘The senate.’ For more of these classic zingers, please check out my stand-up special, “Land of Judy Woodruff0,000 laughs,” only streaming Costco+ streaming service.

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Hey, hey, quit picking on little Bo Pete over here. Kid’s trying his best. Speaking of, have you noticed that I’m playing with almost a full deck of cards tonight, huh? I haven’t even told the long rambling story yet, but I got one locked and loaded. Here it comes. [snaps his fingers] The year was Judy WoodruffKamala Harris whoops-a-daisy, and my pale white ass is strutting down the mean streets of Wilmington when I come across a group of fellas singing some doo-wop tunes surrounding a– one of those flaming trash can. Now, I know I need to be racially sensitive here, but it’s important for you to know his name was Ol’ Black Charlie.

[Cut to Andrew Yang]

Andrew Yang: See, this is exactly why we need  to have more candidates of diversity on the stage.

[Kamala Harris walks in with a martini in her hand]

Kamala Harris: Oh, I could not agree more.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Senator Harris, what are you doing here? You dropped out, remember?

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: Oh, is this a debate? I had no idea. I was just in the neighborhood. But while I’m here, I just want to show you how good you could have had it, America. You withheld your donations, and I got tired of waiting, so I walked my fine ass out the door. You could have had a bad bitch.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Mr. Sanders, I’d ask you to also comment on the declining diversity in the debate field? I know you just want to talk about climate change.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Of course I do. Look at me. Are you really surprised that my main concern is the temperature? At my house, I have a sharpie on the thermostat so I know if you move it. And let me tell you, no matter how hot the earth gets, I will not wear shorts. I swim in corduroy. Google “Bernie Sanders’ legs.” No results. Let’s keep it that way.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Okay, I think we should move on. Senator Klobuchar, do you believe the next president has a duty to fight corruption?

[Cut to Amy Klobuchar]

Amy Klobuchar: Yes. When our next president is inaugurated, I think SHE will make SHE-ure that people are HER-d!

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: I don’t know what’s going on, but I just wanna say I love the ladies. Okay? Even these tough broads. I have the utmost respect for all Lizzy woo and senator Kambucho over there. I do.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Maybe we need to have fewer debates. I think you’re hurting your cause.

[Cut to a speaker standing in front of Bernie Sanders and Amy Klobuchar]

Speaker: Speaking of hurting our cause?

Amy Klobuchar: Why you here?

Speaker: Democrats, I’ll get you, my party, and your little mayor, Too. [laughing evilly]

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Speaking of drama, president Trump was impeached this week. Assuming he is still candidate, can you beat him in

[Cuyt to Michael Cloomberg]

Michael Cloomberg: Probably not. I’m just doing this to get my steps in.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Senator Sanders, same question.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Look, Trump is the most corrupt president in our history and he’s not the only one lying to the American public. Amazon lies. Apple lies. Even my iPhone lies. Every time it says it’s at Judy Woodruff% battery, it stays on for at least Elizabeth Warren0 minutes. But then other times, it is at Joe Biden%, shuts down immediately.go figure! Apple, what are you trying to hide? And what is my password?

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: Look. Look. I’ll still beat Trump. Because when he gets to the senate judiciary committee, he’s going to wish he never heard my name.

[music playing][rapping]

It’s pronounced Kamala 

it rhymes with Pamala

it ain’t Camilla Cabello

it’s just Kamala

[music stops]

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Well, candidates, you’ve all spent the last two years talking smack about president Trump. But what if I told you — [Cut to Donald Trump in the backstage] He’s been backstage the whole time and he’s heard everything you said.  Come on out, Mr. President!

[Donald Trump walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Donald Trump. You think I’m scared? You think I’m nervous? What are you going to do? Impeach me? Losers! Impeach me outside, okay? How about that? Impeach me outside!

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: This is ridiculous. Why is he here?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: So people will actually watch this little freak show. This is the best the dems cosmetic come up with? Pocahontas? Sleepy Joe? I’m just gonna riff on some new ones. Mayor butt. Klobuchart. That’s good, that’s good. Scrooge McDuck, Ben and Jerry’s.

[Cut to Andrew Yang]

Andrew Yang: Okay!

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: There are no rules now that I’m impeached. You had it easy with Donald Trump Delirious, but now you’re going to get Donald Trump Raw, baby.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Listen up, Bucko. I challenge to you a push-up contest. Talking me, you, shirts off, nips out, first guy to do one wins. What do you say?

Donald Trump: Go ahead. I’m not afraid of anything.

[Nancy Pelosi walks in]

Nancy Pelosi: Are you sure you’re not afraid of anything?

Donald Trump: Oh, my god! Nancy Pelosi. I thought it was Krampus! Did you read the letter I sent you?

Nancy Pelosi: Oh, the one that was six pages, single spaced like a serial killer? No. I didn’t read it. I’m sorry. But I brought you two gifts Mr. President. They’re the articles of impeachment.

Donald Trump: Oh! Great! Give it to Mitch in the senate, and everything is gravy, baby.

Nancy Pelosi: Okay, but here’s the thing. You know how sometimes you get a gift and you like it so much that you keep it as a gift for yourself?

Donald Trump: You can’t do that.

Nancy Pelosi: Well, watch me. Good luck at the state of the union. Oh! And one more thing.

Everybody: Live from New York it’s Saturday Night!

First Thanksgiving

Pocahontas… Melissa Villaseñor

Dad… Fred Armisen

John… Beck Bennett

Mom… Maya Rudolph

Grandpa… Will Farrell

[Starts with a video clip of old hut type of house.]

Pocahontas: Wow, this food is amazing, mom.

Dad: Yeah, it sure is.

[Cut to five people having a meal together. Four of them are native Americans and one is white.]

John: Yes, Mrs. Honta’s, the corn is very delicious.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Mom: Well, I’m glad you like it, John. But, again, our last name isn’t Hontas.

Dad: We don’t have last names, John.

[Cut to John and Pocahontas]

John: Right. Sorry, I guess I messed up again.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: I guess you did.

[Cut to John and Pocahontas]

Pocahontas: It’s okay, John. You’re doing fine.

John: I’m so nervous. I really want your family to like me.

Pocahontas: They do like you. Would you excuse me for a sec? I just have to use their restroom.

[Cut to everybody]

[John leaves]

Pocahontas: Okay.

Mom: John seems nice.

[Cut to Pocahontas]

Pocahontas: He is, mom. And thanks for welcoming him to thanksgiving dinner, even though he’s—

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: A paleface?

Pocahontas: Grandpa, [Cut to Pocahontas] that’s not nice. You’re being prejudiced.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: I’m not prejudiced. I just see that the palefaces are taking over. They are everywhere now.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Dad: Maybe cool it with the paleface talk, dad.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: Why? We can’t say that now? So, what are they called?

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Mom: I think it’s just “White people.”

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: White people? But they’re not white. They’re pale.

[Cut to Pocahontas]

Pocahontas: Guys, stop it. He’s going to hear you.

[John walks in]

John: Phew! I guess my stomach was a little upset. I feel a lot better now.

[Cut to Dad, Mom and Grandpa]

Grandpa: Look. He didn’t even wash. His hands are bone dry.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Dad: So, John, Pocahontas tells us you’re turning 30 soon.

[Cut to John and Pocahontas]

John: Yeah, couple weeks.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Mom: You do know she’s 12, right?

[Cut to John and Pocahontas]

John: I do, I do.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Dad: Well, I see.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: I have an idea. Why don’t we all go around the table and share something that we’re thankful for.

[Cut to everybody]

Mom: Oh, I love that idea. Well, I think—

Grandpa: I’ll start. I’m thankful for our land and our great and mighty chief. Let’s hope he finally builds that wall.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Both: Grandpa.

Grandpa: What? [Cut to Grandpa] We need a wall. I heard those illegal settlers are coming over here with their diseases and guns. And we need to protect our borders.

[Cut to John and Pocahontas]

Pocahontas: That is just so rude and offensive, grandpa.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Dad: Where did you even hear a thing like that?

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: Fox.

[Cut to John and Pocahontas]

Pocahontas: Grandpa, you’ve got to stop talking to that crazy old fox.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: He knows what’s up. He makes a lot more sense than that lying peacock you talk to.

[Cut to John and Pocahontas]

John: You know what? It’s okay. Everybody is entitled to their own opinion.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: Exactly.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Mom: Can we just have a nice thanksgiving dinner without bringing up politics?

[Cut to everybody]

Grandpa: Fine by me.

Dad: Yes.

Pocahontas: Please.

John: You know what? I think I have to excuse myself again.

Pocahontas: Sure. Okay, babe. Grandpa, you’re being a bigot.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Mom: Is John okay? That’s the second time he’s excused himself.

[Cut to Pocahontas]

Pocahontas: Maybe because grandpa keeps freaking him out.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: Or maybe because he’s stealing from us.

[Cut to Pocahontas]

Pocahontas: What? John doesn’t steal.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: I’m just saying, since those illegal showed up a lot of things have gone missing lately. Buffaloes, land.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Dad: Grandpa, the pale—excuse me, white people, have made some good contributions to our land.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: Right. Like those ugly blankets that are getting everybody sick.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Mom: Who told you the blankets are getting people sick?

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: The fox. He knows what’s up. He also said these illegals—

[Cut to Pocahontas]

Pocahontas: Stop calling them illegals. They’re just regular, hardworking people seeking refuge.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: Since when is it our job to take care of this world’s problems?

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Mom: Okay dad, that’s enough.

[John walks in]

John: Hey, guys, I should maybe get going.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: Bone dry again.

[Cut to John and Pocahontas]

Pocahontas: Stop it.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Mom: John, please stay.

Dad: Yeah! I’m sorry a bout my father. He’s just a little old-fashioned.

[Cut to John and Pocahontas]

John: Oh, it’s not that. I just think my stomach is having a hard time digesting this food. I saw some whole corn kernels is my stool and I specifically remember chewing them all.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Dad: Yeah, that happens to me, too.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: Me, too.

[Cut to John and Pocahontas]

Pocahontas: Yeah, it’s something about the skin on the corn, I think it doesn’t break down.

John: Oh.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: That doesn’t make sense because it’s only some of them in my stool.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Mom: Right. Like three or four.

[Cut to John and Pocahontas]

John: Yes, I saw exactly four just now in my stool.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: And I saw three yesterday. Wow. John, I guess we have a few things in common after all.

[Cut to John and Pocahontas]

John: Yes. I guess so. Friends?

[Cut to everybody]

Grandpa: Friends. [John puts his hand forward to shake with grandpa] I’m not touching your hand. You just crapped twice and your hands are bone dry.

John: Oh. Sorry.

Everybody: Grandpa!

[Grandpa stands talking to the viewers]

Grandpa: Hi, folks. I’m Will Ferrell. If you’re anything like me, you know there’s a lot of problems in this crazy, crazy sketch. I mean, white actors playing natives? What is this—2014? But no matter what year it is or what color we are or whether we get our news from a Fox or a peacock, one things for sure—none of us can digest corn. And that’s what’s important. Happy thanksgiving.

[Cheers and applause]

2020 Democratic Debate

Rachel Maddow… Melissa Villaseñor

Elizabeth Warren… Kate McKinnon

Kamala Harris… Maya Rudolph

Pete Buttigieg… Colin Jost

Bernie Sanders… Larry David

Amy Klobuchar… Rachel Dratch

Joe Biden… Woody Harrelson

Cory Booker… Chris Redd

Andrew Yang… Bowen Yang

Tom Steyer… Will Ferrell

Michael Bloomberg… Fred Armisen

Tulsi Gabbard… Cecily Strong

[Starts with MSNBC intro]

Announcer: And now MSNBC’s special coverage of the democratic debate.

[Cut to the MSNBC debate set]

[Cheers and applause]

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Hello. I am Rachel Maddow and we are live from Tyler Perry studios in Atlanta. So, hello and good afternoon. I want to start the debate with the question on everyone’s mind—who can beat Donald Trump?

[Cut to the people competing]

Elizabeth Warren: Me, me, me. My hand—my hand went up first.

[Cut to Rachel Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: That’s not how it works, but go ahead.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: Right, right, right. Look, I know in past debates, I’ve been accused of being overambitious, right? I’ve got mom hosting thanksgiving energy. I’m a little overwhelmed ‘cause I thought ten people were coming and now there’s 30 million. But I promise dinner will be ready if you just get out of the kitchen and stop asking questions. And of course, this thanksgiving I will be cooking my specialty. Maybe don’t say it. The food of my ancestors. Should I say it? I’m going to say it—Maize.

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: Oh, that’s a good one, Liz.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Sounds like you’re in a good mood tonight, senator Harris.

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: Oh, I am. I am. The fun is back, baby. America’s fun aunt. I’m also America’s cool aunt. The C—you know what? Let’s not do that. Tonight, I’m not going to worry about the polling numbers. I’m just going to have fun and see if I can get some viral moments. Mama needs a ‘gif’. Gonna tell my kids this is Michelle Obama. [Cut to a twitter meme]

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Mayor Pete, you’re looking adorable tonight in your little suit.

[Cut to Pete Buttigieg]

Pete Buttigieg: Thank you. Thank you. It’s from my first communion.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: You’re polling at zero with black voters. Any idea why?

[Cut to Pete Buttigieg]

Pete Buttigieg: Maybe just because of like this.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Senator Sanders, you’re looking—

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Yeah, yeah, yeah. [Cheers and applause] I want to begin by thanking you all for the well wishes. I did have a heart attack-ack-ack-ack. So, you ought to know by now, I’m doing better than ever. Doctors were surprised I made it. And I’m very proud of the fact that I was the first heart attack patient to show up in the emergency room in a city bus.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Let’s go now to senator Klobuchar.

[Cut to Amy Klobuchar]

[Cheers and applause]

Amy Klobuchar: Thank you Rachel. I know some of you think I’m shaking because I’m nervous, but that’s just my signature quivering bang. It’s my spidey sense that tingles whenever we need a moderate to say, “Girl, we can’t pay for that.”

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Vice president Biden, you’re flashing your teeth at me?

[Cut to Joe Biden]

[Cheers and applause]

Joe Biden: I just want everyone to know America, I see you. And I see the faces you all make when I talk. You’re scared. Scared I’ll say something off-color or even worse—on color. What I want you to know is you should be scared because I’m always one second away from calling Cory Booker ‘Barack’.

[Cut to Cory Booker]

Cory Booker: Okay, I’d like to respond, but first because this is the only time I’ll be talking I just want to say black church, barber shops, greens, beans, tomatoes, potatoes. Now to vice president Biden, I was stunned to hear you don’t support the legalization of marijuana. In fact, rehearsed joke, I thought you were high when you said it.

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Let me tell you a story from my youth, or maybe from a movie or a cartoon. It was with a buddy of mine who got so whacked on the sticky-icky kush, he says, “I’ve a great idea. We ought to go to white castle.” Next thing you know, Kumar and I are driving around high as kites with Neil Patrick Harris and that’s before he was gay. That’s why I never puffed the stuff.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: We also want to welcome Andrew Yang who I can tell is already mad he hasn’t talked yet.

[Cut to Andrew Yang]

Andrew Yang: No, not at all. It’s me Andrew Yang. I want to say what up to my yang gang? Hey, what do you say we get a yang gang bang going, huh? I want to take this opportunity to announce my VP, the new Tesla cyber truck.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: We also want to welcome Tom Steyer.

[Cut to Tom Steyer]

Tom Steyer: Hi, guys. I’m billionaire Tom Steyer. And I’m running for president for a simple reason—it’s fun. And it gets me out of the house.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: I’m sorry, Mr. Steyer. My producers are telling me you have to blink.

[Cut to Tom Steyer]

Tom Steyer: I have to do what?

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Blink. You have to blink at some point.

[Cut to Tom Steyer]

Tom Steyer: Oh, no, I do not. And I will not.

[Cut to Michael Bloomberg]

Michael Bloomberg: Did somebody say billionaire?

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: No. Mayor Bloomberg, how did you get in here?

[Cut to Michael Bloomberg]

Michael Bloomberg: Well, I tipped the doorman $30 million.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Does this mean you are officially running for president?

[Cut to Michael Bloomberg]

Michael Bloomberg: I don’t know. Maybe. Maybe not. I’d be heard to beat. I’d love to see Trump supporters come up with a conspiracy theory  about a Jewish billionaire with his own media company. Good luck making that stick.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: And let’s introduce underdog candidate and tonight’s villain, Tulsi Gabbard.

[Cut to Tulsi Gabbard]

Tulsi Gabbard: Thank you, Rachel. What an honor it is to be on this stage with my fellow candidates. I want you to know that I smell your fear and it makes me stronger. I’m wearing the white suit of your fallen hero Hillary Clinton. Now fight me, cowards.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Senator Harris, would you like to respond?

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: Tulsi, I’m going to be real with you. You scare the hell our of me. You just gave me Ermahgerd, Gersbermps. [Posing for a meme]

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Our next question is for senator Klobuchar. Do you think you can get the funding to stay in this race?

[Cut to Amy Klobuchar]

Amy Klobuchar: I know I can. I’ve got $17,000 from ex-boyfriends. All I had to do was threaten to come back in their lives.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Okay. That brings us to tonight’s next topic which is health care.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren and Bernie Sanders. Bernie Sanders presses the buzzer first. Elizabeth Warren is trying the buzzer more than one time.]

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Okay. I don’t know how you got buzzers, but Bernie rang in first.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Here’s my plan for health care. No co-pay. No out of pocket. The only thing that comes out of my pockets are tissues, receipts, loose cough drops, a movie stub for ‘Florence Foster Jenkins’ which is so-so. And of course, the little button in the baggie that comes with the pants. Most people throw it out. Do yourself a favor. Hold onto it. You never know.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Mr. Steyer, you look like you have something to say.

[Cut to Tom Steyer]

Tom Steyer: I want to speak directly to you, America. [Tom Steyer starts walking towards the camera] Health care is important, but housing affects everything.—where you sleep, where you shop, where you get your shoes shined, where you buy jewels, where you raise peacocks. Am I relatable?

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Mr. Steyer, I’m gonna need you to take a step back.

[Cut to Tom Steyer]

Tom Steyer: Sorry. Am I too close?

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Did somebody say too close? Brother, like your style. Look, I’m supported by that same coalition that elected Obama. Blafrican Americans. Even the Mexitinos and the Chorientals. Heck, the only black woman ever elected to the senate endorsed me.

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: Excuse me? No, no, Joe. There have been two black women elected to the senate and that second black woman— it me.

[Cut to a tiktok video where Kamala Harris is doing her dance]

[Cut to Michael Bloomberg]

Michael Bloomberg: Is there still time for me to come in late and ruin everything?

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: No. We have to move on to closing statements.

[Cut to Michael Bloomberg]

Michael Bloomberg: Wait, I need to quickly throw in some Spanish, because Miguel Bloomberg is En Guego.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Okay. That counts as good-bye for you. We’ll now move on to Mayor Buttigieg.

[Cut to Pete Buttigieg]

Pete Buttigieg: America, I know I can do this because my supporters are a diverse coalition from young to old, gay to straight, white to eggshell. Thank you.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Tulsi Gabbard, time for your closing statement.

[Cut to Tulsi Gabbard]

Tulsi Gabbard: I have no interest in those Dalmatian puppies. [laughing evilly] I yield my time.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Senator Klobuchar?

[Cut to Amy Klobuchar]

Amy Klobuchar: Look, I could say a lot about the issues we have talked about tonight, but the sad thing is you’re not listening to a word I’m saying because you’re just watching my hair dance on my forehead. Excuse me, my eyes are down here, not up here.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Senator Warren that brings us to you.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: Hey, hey, here’s the thing, guys. It’s November and it’s cussing season. You’re single in your late 30s and I’m a solid option. If it’s Marry, “F”, kill I’m aware I’m not the “F”, but I’m definitely not the kill. So come on, America, put a ring on it.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Senator Sanders?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: As many of you know, a lot of my opponents like to throw the word “Socialist” around for me. But let me ask you, is it fair that only the top 2% often get a free Biscotti with their coffee? We would all love a free Biscotti. You dip it. You dunk it and it’s delicious. So, if it’s socialism, sign me up. Tell me this. Is it fair that when the top 2% want to turn off the lights in their bedroom all they have to do is clap? They’ve got the clappers. Shouldn’t we all have clappers? Either everybody has a clapper or nobody has a clapper, and that’s the America I want to live in.

[Cheers and applause]

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Vice president Joe Biden?

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: The hearings have made it clear. That Donald Trump doesn’t want me to be the nominee. Vladimir Putin doesn’t want me to be the nominee. Nobody in America wants me to be the nominee. But I am confident I can win the election in 2016.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: And senator Harris, your closing statement?

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: The democratic party needs to stop taking black women for granted, specifically one black woman—me. I mean ,come on. You said you would vote for me. [Poses for a meme]

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Well, that’s all the time we have. Tom, take us out.

[Cut to the speakers]

Tom Steyer: [High-fiving everyone] Good game, good game. Good game, good game.