Tag: Aidy Bryant

Ratatouille

Chloe Fineman

John Krasinski

Rattitue… Kyle Mooney

Bugatue… Aidy Bryant

Pete Davidson

[Starts with a man and a woman on a bed]

Chloe: Wow. That was incredible.

John: Yeah?

Chloe: I gotta be honest, my expectations were really low considering you insisted on wearing your top hat the whole time. But seriouly, that was amazing.

John: Oh, thanks.

Chloe: What’s your secret?

John: Look, I’ll tell you. But just promise you won’t freak out.

Chloe: I promise.

John: Okay. Well, you know how I said I studied abroad in Paris? I met someone there. You know what? Maybe it’s better if I just dhow you.

[John opens his hat. There’s a rat on his head. The rat is wearing a chef hat.]

Rattitue: Hi. My name is Rattitue.

John: He’s the one who controls me while we’re having sex.

Chloe: I don’t understand.

Rattitue: I can explain. You see, once upon a time, I learned to be a famous chef by studying a cookbook from cover to cover. Then one day, I discovered an even better book called Hustler Magazine.

John: So, what do you think?

Chloe: Well, it’s unusual.

John: You’re telling us.

Rattitue: Yeah.

Chloe: Well, I guess it’s not that weird and the important thing I that now I know the truth.

John: Yeah. Now, you know everything.

Rattitue: Well, not everything.

John: What do you mean, Rattitue?

Rattitue: Well, there is no easy way of saying this. So, I might just as well show you.

[Rattitue opens his chef hat. There’s a bug on his head.]

Bugatue: Hey, I’m Bugatue. You know where a veteran can get a massage around here?

John: I’m sorry. What do you do exactly?

Bugatue: Oh. I do something very simple and very important. I can look ta a disc and immediately identify if it’s a DVD, blu ray or a PS2 game.

John: And how often does that happen?

Bugatue: You’d be surprised. Never.

John: Oh. Looks like we don’t need you anymore.

[John flicks the bug away]

Bugatue: Oh, flicked again. That’s a bug’s life.

John: [to Chloe] So, do you still love me?

Chloe: Just promise me one thing. Never lose that rat.

John: Deal. Hey, Rattitue, start yanking.

Rattitue: Ah, hell yeah! Ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Pete. He has a typewriter in front of him.]

Pete: In all my years as a sex critic, I have never seen such enthusiasm in the bedroom. As I watched my neighbors have sex through a telescope, it rocked me to my core. I give them two thumbs up. And as for me, I’m headed down to the subway with a bag full of shredded mozzarella to lure and capture my very own sex rat.

Pandemic Game Night

Keith… John Krasinski

Goldie… Cecily Strong

Angela… Aidy Bryant

Kyle Mooney

Heidi Gardner

Brad… Beck Bennett

FBI agents… Mikey Day, Punkie Johnson

[Starts with six adults in a house having a fun night.]

Keith: Alright. This meeting of the Warren Street covid bubble is now on session.

Goldie: Ah! I am so grateful we get to to this once a week. If I didn’t have this bubble, I would go insane.

Angela: Oh, yes. You have to have a pod that you can trust.

Kyle: Amen!

Keith: Alright. Who’s ready to play pioneer’s, a mountain pass?

Heidi: You know I am. I’ll be shopkeep.

Keith: Alright. Well, I guess I’ll be mayor’s daughter again.

Brad: [standing] Uh… I think I hear a pizza man at the door. Excuse me, uh… that will be… uh… I’ll be going to get the pizza, fellow forgers. I don’t know.

Keith: You know we’ll save you for the game, Brad.

[Brad opens the door. There’s an FBI agent.]

7: Brad Dobbit, you’re under arrest for storming the Capitol.

Brad: Yes, I am. You got me.

Heidi: What? Brad? You stormed the Capitol?

Brad: I’m sorry, everyone. I wasn’t in the bathroom that day. I was out at DC stopping the steal with my boys.

Goldie: Oh my god, Brad! Why on earth would you do that?

Brad: Because I care about our nation and its constitution. So, I wet jelly on a statue and put Pelosi’s phone on my pants.

Kyle: So, that’s what you did?

Brad: What else was I supposed to do? The guy I wanted to win didn’t win.

7: Alright. Let’s go.

Brad: Well, let me grab my coat first.

Angela: My god. I can’t believe this. I mean, is this really happening?

[Brad wears his fur coat and horns cap]

Brad: Tell my story.

7: Alright.

[7 grabs Brad by his hand]

Brad: Ouch! My hand!

Kyle: Oh my god! Did any of you know about this?

Heidi: No. I mean it’s Brad. Sweet, angry Brad.

Angela: Wow, I am floored. You think you know someone and then this happens.

Keith: I know. Well, let’s start the game. Shall we?

[door bell ringing]

Angela: Yes. Oh, well. I bet that’s the pizza.

Keith: Alright, but hop to it Angela because we got a lot of pioneering to get through.

Angela: Okay. Quit reminding us.

[Angela opens the door. There’s a female FBI agent.]

8: Angela Barnes, you’re under arrest.

Angela: Okay, I know that.

Kyle: Angela?

Goldie: Not sweet, racist Angela?

Angela: It’s true. I’m a patriot unlike this bubble of cucks.

Kyle: You’re gonna go to jail!

Angela: Ah! It was worth it. I had sex with Chuck Norris. At least he told me he was Chuck Norris. He kept saying, “You still think I’m Chuck Norris, right?”

8: Okay. We’re taking you in.

Angela: Well, let me just get my stuff, please. Okay. [Angela wears her Uncle Jam American flag hat with white beard] Now, Uncle Jam says don’t trade on this.

[7 pulls Angela out of the door]

Kyle: Is anybody else freaked out that two of our friends just got arrested?

[door bell ringing. Keith stands to answer the door.]

Oh no. Not you too!

Keith: Dude, you know me better than that. Okay?

[Keith opens the door. A guy wearing pizza delivery outfit is there.]

It’s just a pizza guy.

9: Or is it? [he opens his fake outfit. He is also an FBI.]

Keith: Dammit!

7: Are you Keith Renault?

Keith: Yes. Or Q-daddy on Facebook, marketl.

7: [looking at Goldie] Are you Goldie Flemming?

Goldie: I am. And I want my phone call.

7: That happens later, ma’am.

Heidi: Oh my god! Not crazy Goldie and dishonorably discharged Keith!

Keith: Alright. How did you find us?

Goldie: Was it our post on Instagram?

Keith: Or was it out check-in on Facebook?

Goldie: Or when I Venmoed him $10 to kick Pence’s ass?

Keith: Wait, did the hardware store tell you what I bougth?

7: We found this.

[7 pulls out a photo of them when they were there]

Goldie: Oh, yes. Then yes, guilty as charged. May I grab my cape that celebrates my southern heritage?

7: No.

Keith: May I quickly put on some face paint?

7: No!

Goldie: Oh! And this is the America you want to live in? I ask you

[Keith pulls out a podium and carried it with him]

Keith: Good day, all!

[7 takes them with him]

Kyle: I don’t get it. I mean one of them was my wife.

Heidi: I know.

Kyle: You just don’t know anyone anymore. Do I even know you?

Heidi: No. You are under arrest. [Heidi shows Kyle her FBI card.]

Kyle: Okay. Can I grab my crossbow please?

Heidi: No.

[Heidi starts pushing Kyle to the door]

Kyle: [screaming] But I’m a state senator!

Blue Georgia

Sheriff… John Krasinski

Lee… Pete Davidson

Ms. Crystal… Aidy Bryant

William… Beck Benett

Biscuit… Kenan Thompson

Jimmy… Andrew Dismukes

Alex Moffatt

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with Blue Georgia intro]

Song: Blue Georgia, sweet Blue Georgia
you’re a friend of mine.

[Cut to Sheriff and Lee getting in a restaurant]

Sheriff: Hey there, Ms. Crystal.

Ms. Crystal: Oh, Sheriff. Ain’t you a side?

Sheriff: I just wanted to stop by so you all can meet my cousin, Lee, from out of town.

Ms. Crystal: Well, look at you. Where are you coming from, Lee?

Lee: New York city.

Ms. Crystal: New York city? Well, welcome. Good to see you fellow blue stator. We’re just like y’all.

Lee: I mean, I doin’t know if you’re just like us.

Sheriff: Oh, no. We bet we are. See, Georgia is all blue now. Maybe heard about our election on the news?

Ms. Crystal: Oh, yes. Don’t get me started on the news. I can’t stand that CNN with it’s corporate, neo-liberal, both-sides nonsense. Just give me my Rachel Maddow on MSNBC any day.

Sheriff: A-women to that, Ms. Crystal.

Lee: Okay.

Ms. Crystal: Well so, what are y’all having?

Lee: Well, I heard a lot about southern food, so just give me the special.

Ms. Crystal: Okay, you got it. One avocado, one gluten free toast.

Sheriff: And I’ll have your beyond meat loaf.

Ms. Crystal: Got it.

[Sheriff and Lee sit at a table. There’s William sitting right there.]

William: Sit down, Sheriff. My name is William He-him, but everyone calls me Skeeter.

Sheriff: Skeeter owns the electric truck dealership down yonder.

Ms. Crystal: Yeah, and I’m Crystal. She-ma’am.

Sheriff: And over there is old Biscuit He-him. Down to some good read there, Biscuit?

Biscuit: Oh, yes indeed. Just reading from the good book “Becoming” by Michelle Obama.

Sheriff: Ain’t that a good book? I tell you, ain’t nothing finer than reading on your solar heated porch, sipping lemonade through a reusable metal straw.

Lee: Hey, before we eat, I should wash my hands. You know where the men’s room is?

William: Yes, back in 2015. We don’t have men’s room. But all-gender restroom is just down the way.

Lee: Oh. You guys have all-gender restroom?

William: Oh-oh, Sheriff, I think your cousin thinks we’re all crazy Christian types.

Lee: No, no. I never said that. Even if you, it’s fine. I mean, I’m Jewish.

William: Hold on. You’re Jewish?

Lee: Yeah.

William: Well, I hope you know what we do to Jewish folks down here in Georgia. We elect them. Ha-ha-ha.

Sheriff: Yeah. I don’t know if you heard but we got a 33 year old Jewish senator now. Mazel tov, y’all.

Ms. Crystal: Wow, that Ossoff fellow makes these cheeks a-blush.

Sheriff: Ms. Crystal!

Lee: Where am I?

[Another policeman walks in]

Jimmy: Sheriff! Sheriff!

Sheriff: Now, slow down there, Jimmy. What seems to be the big emergency?

Jimmy: Oh, Sheriff, it was crazy. All these black lives matter folks just came down to the station and wanted to protest in our town. Well, I was just so honored. I filled the permits right away.

Sheriff: Well, that’s mighty kind of you, Jimmy. Tell them they can stop by next week.

Jimmy: Will do. I’m so nervous. Should I wear my bla-shiki?

Sheriff: Now, wouldn’t go doing that, Jimmy. See, you might be appropriate.

[Alex walks in with his MAGA hat on and takes a seat.]

Ms. Crystal: [getting nervous] Well, I never!

[Sheriff walks to Alex]

Sheriff: Excuse me. You lost?

Alex: Um, no. Just want to get something to eat. I’m here from Florida.

Ms. Crystal: Oh!

William: Well, la-di-da!

Sheriff: Sir, I don’t know what they’re teaching over there in Florida, but this here is Georgia. This is Stacey Abrams’ country.

Biscuit: The republic of Stankonia.

William: Birth place of REM and TLC.

Sheriff: Sir, why don’t you let Jimmy here drive you to the state line before any trouble starts.

Alex: Trouble? Don’t bother, I’ll see myself out. [walks to the door and looks back at everybody] Ay, what happened to y’all anyway? Georgia has changed.

Biscuit: Yeah, science is real and love is love. Tell us something we don’t know, sucker!

[Melissa walks in]

Melissa: Excuse me. I’m from the health department. You’ve got a big problem. No one in this entire town is wearing a mask.

Ms. Crystal: Well, that’s coz we’re free!

Jimmy: Hoax!

Lee: Now, that’s Georgia.

Weekend Update- Carrie Krum on Vacationing During the Pandemic

Carrie Krum… Aidy Bryant

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Tourism and airplane travel have been hit, specially hard by the coronavirus this year. Here to comment on the changing state of her industry is seventh grade travel expert Carrie Krum.

[Carrie Krum slides in]

Carrie Krum: Wow! I missed you, Michael.

Michael Che: Hey, Carrie. I missed you too. How was your summer?

Carrie Krum: Oh, it was awesome. My mom bought a chef hat for when I make pizza and my brother shot me twice with a paint ball gun.

Michael Che: Well, that’s pretty impressive. So, Carrie, you must have been sad that you couldn’t take any of your fun trips this summer?

Carrie Krum: Oh, Michael. Being at home is the ultimate vacation. You got my room, my mom’s room, a small decorative box filled with my baby teeth, and an irrigation ditch where all my pets were laid to rest. And did you know, Michael? Church is illegal right now, so we listen to it on the radio. And Michael… Michael… I listened to church in a tankini.

Michael Che: Oh, that all sounds fun. So, what are some tips on how people can enjoy a good stay-cation?

Carrie Krum: Oh! Well, bring the beach to you with something my family likes to call ‘the hose in the driveway’. It’s like a refreshing pool where you don’t have to know where you swim and the water tastes like dirt and metal.

Michael Che: Okay, Carrie. Well, what about something fun for kids who are going back to school online?

Carrie Krum: Well, yeah. You gotta make the best of the hard times. I mean, I am loving computer school. I’m never on mute, I’m always talking, always moving, and I can’t stop looking at myself. And I didn’t think that I could ever have a crush over Zoom but Jack Mathers, I mean during Social Studies, I can see his bed room. And Michael… Michael… he’s got a big lizard in there. Bad boy. Ooh!

Michael Che: Okay, yeah. Alright. Well, is it hard to not hangout with your friends at least?

Carrie Krum: Well, technically, I’m never alone because fairies are real and when it rains, it becomes easier to see them.

Michael Che: So, it sounds like you actually sort of thrived in quarantine?

Carrie Krum: Well, yeah. Except for– Well, my mom said I need to get… [mumbling]

Michael Che: A what?

Carrie Krum: A tank-top with support. It’s not a bra, but it do press down.

Michael Che: Oh my gosh.

Carrie Krum: And then my brother Mitchell found it and he put it on and he stuffed toilet paper in the holders, and he was walking around doing a chi-chi dance and I screamed so loud that my dad thought that I had been hurt. Whatever though. I started drinking sprite out of a coffee cup. So, I’m adult.

Michael Che: Carrie Krum, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Stunt Performers

Chase Wexler…Mikey Day

Chip Lazar…Chris Redd

Kelly Huntman…Ego Nwodim

Karan Raniere…Kate McKinnon

Guff Burthardt… Aidy Bryant

Male voice: And now, the Stunt Performers Gill presents and “Epic Virtual Fight.”

[Cut to Chase Wexler in his home]

Chase Wexler: I wish I could be back on set doing kick ass stunts with my friends. [ting] Wait a minute! We can do it from home! [does the karate] Ya! Ya!

[Chase Wexler head-butts on camera. Cut to Chip Lazar got hit by the head-butt.]

Chip Lazar: Argh! No way!

[Chip Lazar kicks on camera. Cut to Kelly Huntman’s bottle falls off her hand by Chip Lazar’s kick.]

Kelly Huntman: Oh, no. Not today!

[Kelly Huntman gets a wooden sword and hits on camera. Cut to Karan Raniere got hit by the sword.]

Karan Raniere: Oh! [Karan Raniere falls off the stairs] You rotten kids!

[Karan Raniere takes off her shoe and throws it at the camera. Cut to the shoe hitting on Guff Burthardt’s butt. Her pants get torn.]

Guff Burthardt: Oh! My ass!

[Cut to the stunt performers]

Chase Wexler: Hi, we are stunt performers of America.

Chip Lazar: Just like you, we can’t wait to get back to work.

Kelly Huntman: We wanna be doing epic car chases.

Chase Wexler: Sick knife fights.

Chip Lazar: Karate and motorcycle jumps.

Karan Raniere: And our expertise is mostly falling down and getting hit in the crotch by kids.

Guff Burthardt: Yeah. We stunt double for villains and children’s comedy. So, I typically play the fat authoritative woman who people like to see get hurt real bad.

Karan Raniere: I’m usually getting tossed. You ever see a body going – [gesturing as if body’s flying] “Ah!” through the air and kids are cheering, that’s probably me.

Chase Wexler: We love what we do.

Kelly Huntman: And there’s all different kinds of stunts.

Chip Lazar: Nothing makes me happier than jumping through fire.

Kelly Huntman: Or leaping off a helicoptor.

Karan Raniere: Or getting kicked into a dumbster by a cow for the purposes of children’s comedy.

Guff Burthardt: Yeah. It’s been six months since I’ve been able to use my number one skill which is of course farting from being hit in the head.

Karan Raniere: And we’re from the old school. We’re not faking those farts.

Guff Burthardt: Yeah. No. I mean it helps the kids understand that we’re not actually being hurt. We are just being hit so hard that farts are coming out.

Chip Lazar: You might not know us but we help make some of your favorite movies. I drove the Maserati in “Furious 7”.

Kelly Huntman: I was an Amazon warrior in “Wonder Woman”.

Guff Burthardt: And I played ugly shher  in “Cool Kid Library”. And also, evil lunch lady in Camp Bitch”.

Karan Raniere: And I was the star of “Nurse Wedgie”. In this one part, the– [laughing] the kids switched my hat for an octopus and then I stumbled face first into a toilet. Which was hard, coz then we had to go and shoot the scene.

[The stunt performs are working out]

Kelly Huntman: Gotta stay strong.

Chip Lazar: Gotta stay in shape.

[Karan Raniere and Guff Burthardt are slapping each other’s butts]

Guff Burthardt: Yeah. Don’t wanna lose our ass calluses.  One, two, three.

Karan Raniere: These stunts hurt. I’ve been bit in the vagina by a dog more times than I can count.

Guff Burthardt: Yeah. You know, and the dogs don’t understand that it’s pretend. So, if you want them to let go, you gotta cut their heads off.

Chase Wexler: So, everybody, please, wear your mask, stay home and hang in there, so we can do more of this.

[Chase Wexler picks up an orange and throws it at the camera. Cut to Kelly Huntman catching the orange Chase Wexler just threw. Kelly Huntman then punches at the camera. Cut to Chip Lazar getting punched. Chip Lazar then kicks at camera. Cut to Guff Burthardt’s ass getting kicked.]

Guff Burthardt: Oh! You teems! [farts]

[Cut to the dogs.]

[Cut to Karan Raniere pretending to be bit by a stuffed animal dog.]

Karan Raniere: Oh!

Guff Burthardt: You dirty kids. Not my library, teens!

Male voice: The Stunt Performers Association of America. For more info on our cool or shameful stunts, call today.

NBA Bubble

Patrice Soupsalad… Chris Rock

Candis… Ego Nwodim

Queenie… Chloe Fineman

Kittie…Lauren Holt

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

Maya Rudolph

Punkie Johnson

Delivery guy… Andrew Dismukes

Heidi Gardner

Adam Silver… Alex Moffat

Athlete… Chris Redd

Meghan Thee Stallion

[Starts with ESPN show intro]

Male voice: Live from Big Thunder Mountain Hotel in Orlando, it’s the NBA Bubble Draft finals. With your host, Patrice Soupsalad.

[Cut to Soupsalad in the show set]

Soupsalad: Welcome, welcome, welcome. That’s right. During this unique NBA season, our players have been completely isolated from their wives, their girlfriends and whoever else they might wanna see. None of we reached NBA finals. These lovely ladies have one last chance to join the NBA bubble. This is the a NBA Bubble draft.

[Cut to sponsored ads]

Male voice: Brought to you by, Summer’s Eve Lysol wipes, because you may have sadden someone, and you don’t want to get it that way!

[Cut back to Soupsalad]

Soupsalad: Now, these women may not get an NBA championship ring, but they can get the next best thing. Soupsalad8 years of child support.

[There are three women standing beside Soupsalad]

Let’s pick the top draft picks.

Candis: I’m Candis and I’ve got a really impressive resume. Lil’ Wayne, Lil’ Dicky, Wesley Snipes and two years of nursing school. Shublop!

Queenie: I’m Queenie, a former hockey ho who styled in in two sports. I used the follow the Canucks but now I follow the Kanicks. Leave me in a bubble.

Kittie: [holding a syringe] I’m Kittie. I’m an essential worker here to shoot my shot.

Soupsalad: So, you’re a COVID nurse?

Kittie: [nodding her head] Sure!

Soupsalad: Seeing a lot of promise here today. It’s gonna be difficult to choose the smartest, the prettiest, and the most down for whatever, if you know what I mean. So, who’s next?

[There’s another woman dressed in leopard print dress and she is holding a bag.]

Aidy: A-hah! Honey, how’d I get this bag, how’d I get this ring? Well, let’s just say it’s velvet down there. [pointing at the audience] Hey, hey, is that girl laughing at me?

[Cut to the audience. They are just real-life-size cardboard cutouts.]

Soupsalad: Sweetheart, that’s a cutout of a face.

Aidy: Well, she got a stank face and she’s flat as hell!

[Aidy walks out and Kate walks in.]

Kate: Hey, hey. Is this where the Seattle Storm and the Las Vegas Aces are staying?

Soupsalad: I think you’re looking for the WNBA.

Kate: Ha-ha-ha. Right, you are, sir. Yes!

Soupsalad: Love is love. Love is basketball. Who’s next?

[There’s another woman beside Soupsalad]

Maya: My husband and I have been together singe high school. We have five kids and I am his rock. But he already told me wives aren’t allowed in the bubble, so I am just here to send my man some love.

Soupsalad: Well, you are allowed in the bubble. You just have to quarantine.

Maya: Oh, interesting. That is not the information that have been previously relayed to me. But now that I’m privy to this, my husband is a dead man.

Soupsalad: Things are heating up.

[There’s another woman beside Soupsalad]

Punkie: How y’all doing? I’m TJ and I’ve been here for 60 days, because I just have to keep restarting quarantine because I can’t stop ordering buffalo wild wings.

Soupsalad: The bubble is tight. No ordering outside food.

Punkie: It’s alright because I made it to day 13, so I am good.

[A delivery guy walks in]

Delivery guy: Um, I have a buffalo wild wings delivery here.

Punkie: I said contactless delivery, man!

[Punkie walks out and Heidi walks in.]

Heidi: Hi. I was actually quarantined in Disney World anyway. I just work in the hall of president’s. I played Monica Lewinsky, but then I got older. [whispering] Pills. And now I get to be Goofy. Marry me, basketball. Oh, I should put on my mask.

[Heidi wears Goofy dog’s mascot head.]

[There’s a sound playing]

Soupsalad: You know what that sound means. The draft pick has been made. Please welcome NBA commissioner, Adam Silver.

[Adam Silver walks in with a young basketball player walking behind him.]

Adam Silver: Hey! Alright. Good work, Soupsalad. Wow. You know, being here today just proves that even in a pandemic, you can’t keep a good ho down. With that being said, our point guard’s beautiful wife Michelle is here. So, obviously we’re gonna–

Athlete: [interrupting] Uh-uh. There’s a change of plans. I choose her. [pointing at Meghan]

Meghan: Ah! Oh my god! I promise you won’t regret this, okay? It’s been a long journey to get here. All the DM slotting, all the thirst trapping. You got my Amazon wishlist, right?

Athlete: Uh-huh.

Meghan: Love you.

Soupsalad: First wives, second wives, mistresses and side pieces, this has been the NBA Draft Bubble.

Digital Exclusive- Your House Promo

Alex Moffat

Mikey Day

Kenan Thompson

Aidy Bryant

Chloe Fineman

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with video clips of people enjoying at sea beach.]

Male voice: Looking to get away? [heavy metal music playing] Then look no further than the only place you’re allowed to go right now. Your house.

[Cut to inside of a house.]

You’ll know you’re in the right place when you see the disorganized pile of shoes by the door. And once you cross the yoga mat that’s slowly becoming a rug, you’re in.

[Cut to Alex in his kitchen]

First stop? The kitchen. Where you can feast on a fridge full of expired condiments.

[Alex holds a Heinz Tomato Ketchup that has Olympics 2014 logo.] Sochi Olympics?

And do you smell what the stove is cooking? Nothing. Because all that one burner does is leak gas and click. Call the fire department!

[Cut to the living room]

When you’re grubbed up, it’s time to relax in your house’s living room. [Cut to Mikey Day watching TV.] Watch and scream to your to your heart’s content but don’t look behind the TV or you’ll find absolute orgy of cables, wires and zip ties that will give you anxiety.

Nothing good on? [Mikey shuts the TV off and pulls his laptop] Then hop online and surf the web with your home’s blazing slow WiFi which covers almost every part of the room.

[Cut to the bathroom] And don’t worry if nature calls. Your home has you covered with your choice of bathrooms. The nice one. And the other one. [cut to Kyle Mooney in a bad bathroom.] Mil-Dew it, baby.

Your house knows that in these uncertain times, nothing is more important than your health. [Cut to Chloe Fineman looking at the medicines.] That’s why your medicine cabinet is absolutely stacked with two band-aids, tums, a bottle of Amoxycylino…? From 2011, a loose AAA battery and ass load of Tylenol PM. But no regular Tylenol.

Plus, ponder your house’s many mysteries like the famous drawyer of [bleep]. Featuring another loose AAA battery. And of course, the slightly raised nail that absolutely annihilates your socks. [As Aidy Bryant is walking past the door, the nail tears her socks.] Shredded!

Plus, your house features appearances by your kids. [Cut to Kenan Thompson getting frustrated by kids.] And guess what, hoss? They don’t respect you at all.

Georgia: [jumping on the bed] Daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy.

[Kenan walks in]

Kenan: What? What is it, Georgia?

Georgia: You’re old. [showing thumbs-down.]

Male voice: All this, plus plates, plates, plates. Every room has a dirty plate in it. Living room plate. Bathroom plate. Bedroom plate. Floor plate. Plate on the nightstand. And what’s that? Another loose AAA battery. They’re everywhere! So, what are you waiting for? Check out your house today. You don’t have a choice.

Zoom Catch-Up

Dave… Beck Bennett

Connie… Aidy Bryant

Laura… Melissa Villaseñor

Ripleyk… Kenan Thompson

Deidre… Heidi Gardner

Ripley… Martin Short

Dave: Well, guys, it’s been four hours. We got anything else to talk about?

Connie: Yeah. I’m sorry but who makes their friends wait four hours for Zoom?

Mark: Well, I can think of two people. Deidre and Ripley.

[Deidre and Ripley join them. They’re speaking in Italian accent.]

Deirdre: Hi, my little kitkats.

Ripley: Hi, dollies. Hi dolly babies. I miss you.

Deirdre: Oh, how are you? What’s new, my precious kitkats?

Dave: Hi Deidre and Ripley. Um, we’ve actually been waiting for you guys for four hours.

Ripley: Oh, please forgive us. We just got back from Milano.

Deirdre: Yeah. Losianto. We’re still on Italian time.

Laura: Oh, my god! You guys were stuck in Italy?

Deirdre: Stuck? No. Use your brain. We traveled there.

Ripley: For la quarantina.

Connie: Sorry. So, you guys voluntarily traveled to the epicenter of the pandemic quarantine?

Deirdre and Ripley: Si. To quarantina.

Deirdre: Oh, the food, the people, the wine.

Ripley: We saw none of it. The streets were mutto emptissimo.

Deirdre: There’s nothing like la quarantina in la springa.

Mark: You will not call it quarantina. Not while my ears can hear.

Dave: Yeah. It’s not exactly carnivale.

Ripley: No, no, no, dumb dummies. Carnivale is in Brazil.

Deirdre: So, quarantina is the celebration of all things pandemico global.

Connie: Okay. Well, our quarantine hasn’t really been a vacation.

[Now Deirdre and Ripley are speaking in Atlanta American accent.]

Deirdre: Oh, in Atlanta?

Ripley: You’re all in quarantine down in Atlanta?

Deirdre: How y’all holding up in Sweet Georgia quarantine?

Mark: Stop that.

Laura: Anyway. Great news, you guys. My grandma has completely recovered. She’s back home now.

All: Oh, that’s great.

Deirdre: What does that have to do with anything, girl?

Ripley: Why would we care about that? That’s useless.

Deirdre: Ripley, tell them about our Italiano adventure.

[starts speaking in Italian accent again]

Ripley: I definitely will. So, one night, we just wanted to roam the streets, smell the mozarella air. And lo and behold, I see an authentic Italiano.

Deirdre: So, I ran full speed at him. I mean, I had to hug a local.

Ripley: And I grabbed him really aggressively and he was very old, a horrible cough. I gave him the double kiss to show my amor.

Deirdre: And you know, he went like this. [showing palm] And this in quarantina means the same as this in quarantine.

Connie: Are you guys okay? Like, in the mentals? Like, are you talking to anyone?

Ripley: And this really old wrinkled dude gets really upset with me. And he starts spanking us towards the boat. “Pronto, pronto, get to the boat.”

Deirdre: Oh. And we figure it’s quarantino, why not? So, we grabbed a couple of boxes and we get on the cruise.

Ripley: Oh, it was so gorgeous. There’s barely room to move. Wooden crates everywhere you look.

Deirdre: Oh. Stamped with the word ‘ventilators,’ ‘surgical maskos.’

Ripley: And the captain kind of a peach. Breath wasn’t perfect but, you know, it is Italy. And he comes over and he says– Oh, I wish I could speak Italian. How does he say it?

Deirdre: Just say it in English.

Ripley: Alright. He was a Somali smuggler of medical gear.

Dave: Okay. I’m sorry. Just to be clear, you guys were helping ship PPE out of Italy?

Mark: Yeah. Sounds exactly right for you guys. Okay, bye. [logs out.]

Dave: Yeah, bye guys.

[Everybody signs out.]

Deirdre: Ciao.

Ripley: Ciao.

What’s Wrong with This Picture- Mother’s Day Edition

Eliott Pants… Kenan Thompson

Rebecca… Aidy Bryant

Grace… Ego Nwodim

Emily… Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with “What’s wrong with this picture” intro]

Male voice: It’s time to play “What’s wrong with this picture?”

[Cut to Eliott Pants at his home]

Eliott Pants: Hey, everybody. I’m your host Eliott Pants and welcome to a very special episode of “What’s wrong with this picture?” That’s right. It’s the Mother’s Day show.

[Three women appear on the screen from the homes.]

All of our contestants today are moms because being a mom is the most important hobby in the world. As always, the rules are simple. All you got to do is look at the picture and tell me what’s wrong with it. The winner gets a lifetime supply of Junx. “Junx. Shapewear for your lowboys.” Wow. Are we ready to play? Rebecca?

Rebecca: Yeah. I left my kind in the other room. So, we’re gonna make it quick. He’s 12 but he’s bad kind of 12.

Eliott Pants: Grace?

Grace: Ready as I’ll ever be, you fool.

Eliott Pants: I’m sorry. Do we know each other? And our last mother is Emily.

Emily: I’m actually not a mother. I’m a grandmother.

Eliott Pants: Well, now, how does that work? These women are making me a little bit nervous. So, let’s take a look at our first puzzle. [There’s a picture of a woman, two kids and a carton of eggs.] Who can tell me what’s wrong with this picture? Something is off in this picture. What could it be?

Grace: I think I know.

Eliott Pants: Oh, go ahead, Grace.

Grace: First of all, she’s too old for bangs. And eggs are spelled wrong.

Eliott Pants: Really?

Grace: Plus the husband’s too short. They should stack to one big guy.

Eliott Pants: What? No!

Emily: Oh, the shirt comes with boobies. Tell me where they sell those.

Eliott Pants: Come on. Something in the picture is not right.

Rebecca: Yeah. Everyone in the photo is white. That just doesn’t fly these days. One of them needs to be weird.

Eliott Pants: Weird? Okay. Also, it’s not a photo. You know that, right?

Rebecca: Do I?

Eliott Pants: I’ll give you a hint. It has something to do with eggs.

Emily: Oh. Eggs are spelled wrong.

Eliott Pants: We covered that.

Grace: Oh, she laid em. She was surprised but now she’s proud.

Eliott Pants: Oh my god! There are 14 eggs in the carton. Okay? There’s only supposed to be 12 in a dozen.

Emily: Oh. Like my jury.

Eliott Pants: Well, that’s tracks. Alright, here’s your next picture. [There’s a picture of a woman looking at a mirror.] Rebecca.

Rebecca: The glory hole is too high. Now, she knows it’s the neighbor.

Eliott Pants: Where did we get these moms?

Grace: Oh, she’s never seen herself, you know what I mean? Seeing herself. She’s about to take the mirror off the wall and stand over it. Then she’ll know what’s what.

Eliott Pants: You are upsetting me.

Emily: She tied the news too big and now she’s got to start over.

Eliott Pants: The reflection is wearing a necklace. Can you just think? Alright, let’s see the next. [There’s a picture of a man and a woman sitting on tanning chairs by the side of a swimming pool.] Think, then speak. That order.

Grace: Oh, the man just proposed but he used the Apu voice, you know, from the Simpsons.

Eliott Pants: Okay, you are done. You hear me?

Emily: That beach will be gone in five years because of global warming and it’s my fault. I don’t recycle my cans. I just throw them in the street.

Eliott Pants: That is a swimming pool.

Rebecca: I don’t want to be personal, but he’s got one of the smallest ones I’ve ever seen. I mean that thing’s just a little dot.

Eliott Pants: That’s the belly button.

Rebecca: Don’t get offensive.

Grace: Well, I know that it’s not that the pool is frozen.

Eliott Pants: No. [right answer bell] Wait a second. That’s right. You actually got it right.

Grace: And they’re not social distancing coz they know their rights.

Eliott Pants: And they let you all have kids. I am logging off now and I am Lizoling this computer. This has been “What’s wrong with this picture.” I am Eliott Pants. Good bye.

Trump Graduation Speech Cold Open

Principal… Kate McKinnon

John Quigley… Kyle Mooney

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Crystal… Heidi Gardner

Damien… Chris Redd

Sam… Kenan Thompson

Devin… Ego Nwodim

Aidy Bryant

Beck Bennett

Principal: Hello, everyone. I’m principal O’Grady. Welcome to the St. Mary Magdalene by the express way, class of 2020 virtual graduation.

[the students are cheering from home.]

I know this isn’t how you expected your highs chool career to come to an end. But, we’re all making sacrifices. I have had to share my child’s Adderall with him. The good news is you’re all getting diplomas with the exception of John Quigley.

John: Aw, man! I gotta do school again? Oh!

Principal: The bad news is you’re about to pay full price for fancy colleges when they’re all just University of Phoenix online with worse tech support.

Aidy: Wooo! UOP online represent the future’s in wires.

Principal: Glad you’re happy. I asked you to vote today on who should be the key note speaker. Unfortunately, Barack and Michelle Obama said no. As did your next five choices which were Axl Rose, Murder Hornets, the LiMu Emu, whatever the hell that is; that dude from ’90 Day Fiancé’ who looks like a hedgehog and the Elon Musk grimes baby. So, I moved on to your 8th choice receiving one vote, president  Donald Trump.

[Cut to Donald Trump in the White House.]

Donald Trump: Here I am. Here I am. Here I am. People applauding, they’re applauding. Thank you. Thank you very much.

Crystal: [wearing red MAGA graduate hat.] No, thank you, sir!

Principal: Crystal, don’t make me key your car again.

Donald Trump: Congratulations to the class of COVID-19. Wow, what an incredible energy and excitement I’m feeling right now. My valet got the virus, so I had to do my own make up. I had to resort to a Liza Minnelli tiktok makeup tutorial. I’m so honored to be your valedictator, but today is not about me, it’s about you. Although I should spend a little time on me first because I’ve been treated very poorly even worse than they treated Lincoln.

Damien: I’m sorry. Wasn’t Lincoln assassinated?

Donald Trump: I’m not taking questions, Bebop. I’m only telling you the truth. Lincoln would agree. He’s probably smiling up at me from hell right now.

Sam: Ay! What is this, dude?

Donald Trump: Let’s mute him. Let’s mute a lot of the jazz types

Devin: Jazz types? What are you–[muted]

Donald Trump: Great. You’re actually lucky to be graduating right now. There are so many exciting new jobs out there like grocery store bouncer, cam girl, porch pirate, amateur nurse and coal. Don’t forget about coal. It’s in the ground and you just dig down and grab it.

Mikey: I don’t want to do that.

Donald Trump: I’m gonna make sure colleges are open in the fall. Online college is a scam and I should know. My online college was ranked number one craziest scam by US news every year it was open.

Beck: No. We want Fauci.

Donald Trump: Oh, sure. Everyone loves Fauci.

Beck: Fauci!

Donald Trump: And don’t you hate when these elite medical experts tell you what to do? [coughing] Just, excuse me. [drinks Clorox] Good old invincibility juice. Cheers to you guys.

[the students start singing out.]

Look, I’m gonna be honest with you guys. I know that this is hard. So, I’m gonna give you some real advice. [music playing in the background] Believe in yourself and you can achieve anything. Look at me. I started as the son of a simple wealthy slumlord and grew to become billionaire, a president and the world’s leading expert on infectious diseases. Surround yourself with the worst people you can find. That way, you’ll always shine. If you don’t understand something, just call it stupid. Never wear sunscreen. And live everyday like it’s your last because we’re gonna let this virus run wild. This virus that remember was started in a lab in Obama. I’ll leave you with one of my favorite inspirational quotes, reach for the stars because if you’re a star, they’ll let you do it. Thank you class of 2020. And let’s have the greatest summer of our lives. Who’s with me?

[Only Crystal and John are online.]

John: Yeah!

[Now, John and Principal also sign out.]

Donald Trump: Wow. This crowd has thinned down faster than Adele. And taped from my home one last time, it’s Saturday night.