Tag: Ego Nwodim

Dionne Warwick Talk Show- Ed Sheeran, Dionne Warwick and More

Dionne Warwick… Ego Nwodim

Brittany… Punkie Johnson

Miley Cyrus…. Chloe Fineman

Dr. Nathan… Andrew Dismukes

Jason Mraz… Kieran Culkin

Ed Sheeran

Post Malone… Pete Davidson

Dionne Warwick

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: She’s an iconic singer and she’s always got a zinger. It’s the Dionne Warwick talk show.

[Cut to Dionne Warwick in her set]

Dionne Warwick: Wow. Yes. Hello. Hello. And welcome to the Dionne Warwick talk show. A show where I host and other people come here. And then they leave and so do I. Thanks as always to my producer and my niece Brittany.

[Cut to Brittany.]

Brittany: Love you aunt Dionne.

Dionne Warwick: Alright. Now, I’d like to start today’s show with a special announcement. I have some very personal news to share with all of you.

[music playing]

[singing] Raindrops Keep falling on my head.
But that doesn’t mean my eyes will soon be turning red
Alright. Thank you. Thank you. Please welcome our first guest, Miley Cyrus.

[Miley Cyrus walks in]

Miley Cyrus: Hi, it’s awesome to be here.

Dionne Warwick: Yeah, alright. Yeah. You recently post topless for a magazine cover. That’s why I’d like to give you this Hussey award I made. [gives her the award] You are Hussey of the month.

Miley Cyrus: Oh, number one, Hussey. Yo. Oh, man. Thank you so much.

Dionne Warwick: Alright. You just did a duet with Elton John. So did Dua Lipa and a lot of other people. My question is, does he not have my number? Oh, mam. I’m not really sure mam, but I just want to say I’m such a huge fan of yours.

Dionne Warwick: Oh, thank you. So am I. So tell me, Miley, Dojacat. Is that a singer or a Pokemon?

Miley Cyrus: Yeah, she’s a singer.

Dionne Warwick: Alright. Well, Cardi B. Why does she need the B? Was there another Cardi in the class?

Miley Cyrus: You know, these aren’t really about me.

Dionne Warwick: Sure. All right. Okay. I’ll try. Yeah, I understand that Hannah Montana is your nemesis. My Nemesis is Wendy Williams. Let’s make a pact to kick their asses.

Miley Cyrus: You know, Hannah Montana isn’t real.

Dionne Warwick: Alright, well, neither is Wendy Williams. Alright, Miley Circus. I’m done talking to you. Bye now. Yeah.

[Miley Cyrus walks out]
All right. Now, for our important public health segment. We have a doctor here to give me my coronavirus booster live on air. Please welcome Dr. Nathan Ola.

[Dionne Warwick walks to Dr. Nathan]

[music playing]

[singing] Keep smiling…

Dr. Nathan: Hi, Ms. Warwick. Which arm do you– Alright let’s get that sleeve up and we’ll– Just get that sleeve up and we’ll go.

Dionne Warwick: That’s what friends are for. [Dionne Warwick walks back to her seat without getting the shot] Alright. I didn’t feel a thing. Now, for our next guest. This man is not famous anymore. He does not have any songs out. Please welcome Jason Mraz.

[Jason Mraz walks in]

Jason Mraz: Kind of a rough intro but yeah, I’m psyched to be here.

Dionne Warwick: Alright. Now Mr. Mraz, you are about to go back on tour. My question is Rihanna. When she gonna drop the album? She too busy making panties or something?

Jason Mraz: I’m not sure how to answer that.

Dionne Warwick: Well, Kanye change his name to Ye. Is that after the sound people make when he leaves the room?

Jason Mraz: I’m sorry, can you ask me questions about me?

Dionne Warwick: Fine. Okay, what’s with the hat? If I took it off when I see your brain?

Jason Mraz: Okay, I’m gonna go. Thank you so much.

Dionne Warwick: Alright. Let’s bring out our next guest, Ed Sheeran.

[Ed Sheeran walks in]

Ed Sheeran: Hi, Ms. Warwick. I’m really glad to be here.

Dionne Warwick: Of course, you are. Now you did a song called south of the border. My question is are you nasty?

Ed Sheeran: Yes. A little bit.

Dionne Warwick: Oh, good.  Cuz I think that’s healthy. Alright. You’re writing a song for the next season of Ted Lasso. So, what I’d like to know is what is Apple TV and how do you get it on a Dell computer?

Ed Sheeran: Is that the best question for me to answer?

Dionne Warwick: I don’t know. Shoot. All right. Did you know Ed Sheeran backwards is Dionne Warwick?

Ed Sheeran: I don’t think it is.

Dionne Warwick: I read that Elton John calls you every morning. Why would he talk to you and not me? Personally, I prefer to talk to me.

Ed Sheeran: Well, I mean, me and Elton are doing Christmas song together.

Dionne Warwick: Okay. All right. Well, apparently you and everyone else. Am I beefing with Elton John? Okay, you can go. Go on and go. Next up, I just want everybody to know I’ve learned my lesson that Machine Gun Kelly is too scary for me. So, I’ve invited a different man who I feel I’d be more comfortable with. Please welcome Post Malone.

[Post Malone walks in]

Post Malone: Hi, Ms. Warwick.

Dionne Warwick: No! No! No! Oh my god, it is worse. Get him out. You go. You gotta go.

[Post Malone leaves]

Oh my god. Much better. Much better. Brittany put that man in a cab back to Spooky Town, USA.

Brittany: I’m on it.

Dionne Warwick: I’m tired of interviewing people who are not icons. Please welcome me.

[The real Dionne Warwick walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Dionne Warwick: Alright. Well, well. Hello.

Real Dionne Warwick: Hi, darling. I’m so excited for you that I’m here.

Dionne Warwick: Okay. Alright. Well, let me ask you something. Why are you perfect?

Real Dionne Warwick:  Darling, I’m not perfect. I’m just very, very good.

Dionne Warwick: Alright. Okay. Today I heard a song by an artist called Young Boy Never Broke Again. Why aren’t people just caught Burt Bacharach anymore?

Real Dionne Warwick: You know, that is an excellent question and I don’t know the answer, but I will keep tweeting until I find out.

Dionne Warwick: You know, why does it say you were booked to headline Doge Palooza, a Dogecoin Music Festival. My question is what is that? How does it work? Why would you do it? And can I come?

Real Dionne Warwick: Well to answer your questions, I don’t know. I don’t know. Because they paid me. And yes.

Dionne Warwick: Okay, Dionne. Would you like to sing a song for the people?

Real Dionne Warwick: Do they deserve it?

Dionne Warwick: They o. Why don’t you go ahead and grab your mic? Right? I think we should go ahead and do it.

[music playing]

Dionne Warwick and Real Dionne Warwick: [singing] What the world is now
love, sweet love
it’s the only thing
that there’s just too little love
What the world is now
love, sweet love
it’s the only thing
that there’s just too little love

Cancelling Cable

Brad Herman… Kieran Culkin

Mateus… Mikey Day

Tanya… Aidy Bryant

Donna… Ego Nwodim

Tina… Heidi Gardner

Kenan Thompson

Adam… Kyle Mooney

Marcy… Melissa Villaseñor

Sarah Sherman

Spectrum… Bowen Yang

[Starts with Brad Herman packing things up. His phone is ringing.]

Brad Herman: [answering the phone] Yes, hello.

Female voice: This is a callback request from spectrum cable. Please hold for a representative.

Mateus: Hi there. This is Mateus with spectrum cable. Is this Brad Herman.

Brad Herman: Yeah. Hi.

Mateus: Hi. And what can I help you with today, Mr. Herman?

Brad Herman: I just need to cancel my cable.

Mateus: Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. Before we begin, would you like to add a telephone landline to your current package for Brad HermanMateus.99 a month?

Brad Herman: No, I’m good. I just need to cancel the cable. I tried to do it online. But they said I had to call.

Mateus: Of course, Mr. Herman. May I ask the reason for the cancellation?

Brad Herman: My girlfriend and I broke up and I’m moving out.

Mateus: Oh, no. I’m so sorry. Your relationship fell apart, Mr. Herman. Mr. Herman, may I ask the cause of the breakup?

Brad Herman: No, that’s personal.

Mateus: Of course, Mr. Herman. Please write down this reference number in case we get disconnected. Do you have a pen and paper handy?

Brad Herman: No, not really.

Mateus: Wonderful, Mr. Herman. The number is 7-B as in boy, F as in five, G as in 5G, six as n six boys. Thank you. Please hold for a cancellation agent.

Female voice: Your call is important to us and will be answered in the order that we feel like.

Tanya: Hi, this is Tanya. For security purposes, can you tell me the 42 digit customer pin number that came on your first bill?

Brad Herman: My first bill? The one I got six years ago? I don’t have that.

Tanya: Oh, not a problem. We can use one of your security questions. What city did your mom lose her virginity in?

Brad Herman: That’s disgusting. I don’t want to talk about that.

Tanya: Well and that is what you answered. Okay. Alright, so when is a good time for a Spectrum technician to come install your new landline?

Brad Herman: Never I don’t want a landline. I just want to cancel my cable.

Tanya: Of course. I’ll transfer you to cancellations. I’ve been Tanya.

Female voice: Wi Fi trouble? Try unplugging your router and spitting in it.

Donna: This is Donna with Spectrum. Just to confirm it says here you’re looking to pay more money for less channels?

Brad Herman: No Why would I want that?

Donna: I’m not sure sir. That’s why I asked. How dare I, right? Pissing me off. Hold please.

Female voice: Due to higher than normal call volume, your call will not be answered. Goodbye.

[dead tone]

Brad Herman: Oh my god! [phone ringing] Yeah, hello.

Tina: Hi, Mr. Herman. This is Tina with Spectrum. How are you this afternoon?

Brad Herman: Honestly not great. How are you?

Tina: [sobbing] I’m not great either, actually. Pretty much falling apart and I’m sorry. Please hold. Thank you for choosing Spectrum.

Female voice: Doing No Nut November? Spectrums got you covered with the selection of sex and nudity free movies on demand.

Brad Herman: No Nut November?

Kenan: Ay, what colors do house man?

Brad Herman: I’m sorry.

Kenan: Yeah, this is the Spectrum tech. I’m on your street to install your landline and I can’t find your house.

Brad Herman: No, I don’t know how this landline thing got started but I do not want one.

Kenan: Oh no, no, it’s too late to change your mind, man. It’s too late.

Female voice: Like basketball, our game day sports upgrade gets you the NBA network and 85 Spanish language soccer channels.

Adam: Hello. Oh hi. My name is Adam and I’m a Customer Service Rep. How are you?

Brad Herman: Not good, you know. I’m very close to being triggered.

Adam: Very cool. Let me pull up your account. The heck? It’s like my computer’s being crazy right now. Let me just connect you to someone else. Sorry about that.

[pizza delivery boy answers the phone]

Andrew: Domino’s Pizza. Interested in trying our new Santa bread dippers?

Brad Herman: Domino’s? Are you kidding me? They transfered me to Domino’s?

Andrew: Who? Spectrum? Yeah, they do this all the time. I’ll transfer you to a cancellations rep.

Brad Herman: Oh god, thank you. You’ve honestly been the most competent person I’ve talked to you today.

Andrew: That’s crazy because I’m high as hell.

Female voice: One premium channels without premium prices, not gonna happen. We’d lose a ton of money.

Marcy and Sarah: Hi there, Mr. Herman.

Sarah: [laughing] Oh my god, Marcy. We both answered the same call. Ha-ha.

Marcy: We’re so crazy.

Sarah: Sorry about that. I’ll hop off.

Marcy: Me too.

Brad Herman: Don’t both hop off. No.

Marcy and Sarah: Hold please.

Female voice: Have a question about your bill? Ask your husband to explain it to you.

Brad Herman: Wow.

Mateus: Hi, Mr. Herman. It’s Mateus.

Brad Herman: Dude! Dude! I’m about to lose it, okay? And guess what? It happened? Okay? I am triggered, okay? That’s right. I’m triggered. So, the next person that you transfer me to better have the power to cancel my cable.

Mateus: Are you sure?

Brad Herman: Yes, Brad Herman,000% yes.

Mateus: Very well. I’ll transfer you.

[transfers to the AI]

Brad Herman: Yes. Hi, who is this?

Spectrum: I am Spectrum, the source, the Nexus, the provider.

Brad Herman: Okay, can you cancel my cable?

Spectrum: There is nothing I cannot do. For I am made of pure data.

Brad Herman: Great, then cancel my cable.

Spectrum: Can I insist you in six months of free Disney plus?

Brad Herman: No, just cancel it.

Spectrum: As you wish. Enjoy your new spectrum landline.

Brad Herman: No. I’m not getting a landline.

[Kenan is standing beside Brad Herman]

Kenan: Yes, you are, man. Where do you want me to put the landline?

Parent-Teacher Conference

Mrs. Walkerson… Ego Nwodim

Mr. Walkerson… Kyle Mooney

Teacher… Jason Sudeikis

[Mrs. Walkerson and Mr. Walkerson visit Teacher]

Mrs. Walkerson: Knock, knock.

Mr. Walkerson: Hey, there.

Teacher: Oh, hey. How are you doing? You must be Mr. an Mrs. Walkerson. Right? Great. Please, take a seat. I have heard so much about you two from Skyler.

Mr. Walkerson: Really? Like what?

Teacher: Oh, I’m sorry. Not really. That’s just something I say to all the parents. I apologize for the small chairs.

Mrs. Walkerson: No, it’s alright. But I look ridiculous sitting on this thing.

Teacher: No. Stop. You look great.

Mrs. Walkerson: You know what? I’ll take it.

Teacher: Ah, well, so here’s the headline. Skyler is one cool kid.

Mr. Walkerson: Trust me, he gets that from his mom.

Mrs. Walkerson: Aww, sweetie! Well, first of all we want to thank you for teaching our son to love reading.

Mr. Walkerson: Yeah, he reads every night . It’s amazing.

Teacher: Well, I mean he’s a smart kid. The reading part was easy. The math stuff however, he’s having a tougher time with. Especially, fractions.

Mr. Walkerson: Right, yeah. Now, that he got from me. [laughing]

Teacher: Wow. [to Mrs. Walkerson] I mean, you have a very infectious laugh.

Mrs. Walkerson: Thank you.

Teacher: My pleasure.

Mr. Walkerson: Yeah. [feeling awkward] So, fractions, right? That’s Skyler’s main problem?

Teacher: Yeah, exactly. You know what, I just think he finds math a little boring. Which I get, trust me. But he may need some additional help. Tutor perhaps.

Mr. Walkerson: I see. Yeah. We can do that.

Mrs. Walkerson: Yeah. And are you available?

Teacher: I mean… in what sense?

Mr. Walkerson: Well, you tell me…

Mrs. Walkerson: To tutor our son.

Teacher: No. I don’t see students outside school. It’s just a little rule of mine.

Mr. Walkerson: Seems smart. And how would we find a tutor?

Mrs. Walkerson: Well, do you ever break the rules?

Teacher: Yeah, sometimes. Kind of depends who’s asking.

Mrs. Walkerson: Well, I’m asking.

Teacher: Okay, then.

Mr. Walkerson: I’m sorry. So, yes, you are gonna tutor Skyler? Or…

Teacher: No, no, no. Definitely not. But you know, I do have a list of tutors vetted by the school here.

Mr. Walkerson: Yeah. That’d be great. Yeah. Thank you.

Mrs. Walkerson: Hey, I don’t see your number here.
Mr. Walkerson: He’s not available. He just said that. And you’re not worried about his development or anything, right?

Teacher: No, no, no. Skyler is a total sweetheart. In fact, I’m trying to think. I don’t think I’ve had to punish the little guy once.

Mrs. Walkerson: Punish? Okay. Wow. You did not strike me as the punishing type.

Teacher: Well, you don’t know me very well. Do you, Miss thang?

Mr. Walkerson: Okay, I’m not crazy about the whole miss thang. But anyway, thanks for meeting with us. Yeah, we’ll take a look at this list. And have a great night.

Teacher: Yeah, you too. Enjoy.

[Teacher stands]

Mrs. Walkerson: Wait! Are you mad at me?

Teacher: What makes you think I’m mad at you?

Mrs. Walkerson: I don’t know. You seem mad at me. Mr. Mad.

Teacher: Trust me, if I was mad at you, you’d know.

Mr. Walkerson: Well, so, I’m not– I’m actually getting a little mad right now.

Mrs. Walkerson: Well, what are you gonna put me in time out?

Teacher: I don’t know. You deserve it?

Mrs. Walkerson: You tell me. You’re the one in charge.

Teacher: Say it again.

Mrs. Walkerson: You’re in charge.

Teacher: You’re damn right.

Mr. Walkerson: What the hell is going on here?

Teacher: [stands] I want you to walk that sweet thing over to the chalkboard here and write “I’ve been bad”, okay?

Mrs. Walkerson: Yes, sir. Right away.

Mr. Walkerson: Hey, listen pal, I don’t know if you think I’m the kind of guy who just stands by and watches this sort of thing happen with his wife, but I’m not.

Mrs. Walkerson: Should I use the little chalk or the big chalk?

Teacher: I’d say you give the big chalk a shot.

Mrs. Walkerson: Okay. I’m not used to chalk this big.

Mr. Walkerson: Good one, babe. Ha-ha-ha. I’m serious, man. That’s my wife. I’m- I’m gonna do something.

Mrs. Walkerson: I have never felt this way before.

Teacher: I know.

Mrs. Walkerson: I want you so bad.

Teacher: Then have me, my love.

[Mrs. Walkerson and Teacher start to make out on the teacher’s desk]

Mr. Walkerson: No! I’m not messing around, okay? I’ma count to three.

Teacher: Hold this. [passes Mr. Walkerson his glasses]

Mr. Walkerson: Okay. One. Two. Two and half. Two and five seven. Oh, I’m so bad at fractions.

Prince Auditions

Punkie Johnson

Ego Nwodim

Jordon Peele… Chris Redd

Kenan Thompson

Rami Malek

Daniel Craig

Punkie: Well, it looks like we have a tough choice on our hands.

Ego: I know, I know. I didn’t expect this decision to be so difficult. What do you think, Jordon Peele?

Jordon Peele: I still can’t decide, but it’s definitely between the last two, agreed?

Ego: Definitely.

Jordon Peele: You know what? Why don’t we bring them back in?

Ego: Um, Derpee, can you send in the last two auditioners?

[Kenan Thompson and Rami Malek walk in. They both have guitars with them and are well dressed up as Prince.]

[cheers and applause]

Punkie: Wow, this is gonna be tough.

Jordon Peele: First of all, you guys are by far top two choices to play Prince in my new bio.

Ego: But obviously, we can only pick one.

Rami Malek: Of course.

Kenan Thompson: Right. Right.

Jordon Peele: So, the only way to settle this is to have a Prince off.

Rami Malek: A Prince off, sir?

Kenan Thompson: What the hell is a Prince off?

Jordon Peele: Yes. I’ll call out some random scenes from the script and you two will give me your absolute best Prince performance at the same time.

Kenan Thompson: We can do that.

Jordon Peele: Alright. Show me Prince doing a funky lick on the guitar. Action.

[Kenan Thompson and Rami Malek do the same act]

Good. Now, show me Prince getting pelted in the legs with a football.

[Kenan Thompson and Rami Malek do the same act]

Good.

Ego: Now, do Prince stepping on a lego.

[Kenan Thompson and Rami Malek do the same act]

Punkie: Oh my god, this is so hard.

Jordon Peele: Okay, Prince is with his lover and he finishes prematurely.

[Kenan Thompson and Rami Malek do the same act]

Ego: Great. Great. Now, Prince gets in the shower and the water’s too hot.

[Kenan Thompson and Rami Malek do the same act]

Jordon Peele: Let’s see Prince get shot in the stomach.

[Kenan Thompson and Rami Malek do the same act]

Ego: Prince gets a covid test but they go up too far.

[Kenan Thompson and Rami Malek do the same act]

Ego: Now, Prince realizes his virgin pina colada isn’t virgin.

[Kenan Thompson and Rami Malek do the same act]

Jordon Peele: And cut. How do we choose?

Ego: God, I don’t know. Shooting starts tomorrow.

Punkie: So, it’s going to be Rami Malek or Kenan Thompson?

Jordon Peele: I mean, Rami, you look almost identical to Prince in costume.

Rami Malek: Thank you. I was up all night making this look.

Kenan Thompson: Thirsty.

Punkie: And Kenan, you’re in costume but you look nothing like Prince.

Kenan Thompson: Yes, that is correct.

Jordon Peele: But you are black and Rami is not.

Kenan Thompson: Thank you very much.

Rami Malek: You know, that’s not fair.

Jordon Peele: I’m sorry. I just don’t think I can cast a white guy to play Prince.

Rami Malek: But my parents are from Egypt, right? And that’s in Africa.

Kenan Thompson: Come on, man.

Ego: Don’t do that.

Rami Malek: Okay, fine. But doesn’t Prince, like, doesn’t he transcend race?

Jordon Peele: Not in this movie, no.

Ego: There’s an unexpected twist in this Jordan film.

Jordon Peele: That’s right. You see, it starts off with Prince bio, but then–

Rami Malek: It turns into being a horror movie by racism.

Jordon Peele: Okay, lucky guess. Anyway, Kenan, you have the part.

Kenan Thompson: Hurray.

Rami Malek: This is bull.

[Daniel Craig walks in wearing costume worn by princes of Punkie9th century]

Daniel Craig: Am I late?

[cheers and applause]

Ego: Sorry, Daniel Craig.

Daniel Craig: Is it late for the audition for the part of the prince?

Kenan Thompson: Yes, you are.

Ego: Again, sorry, Daniel Craig.

Jordon Peele: And the audition is not for the prince, it’s for Prince the singer.

Daniel Craig: Ha-ha. Yeah.

Ego: Did you even read the script?

Daniel Craig: Yeah, yeah, it’s a horror movie that’s about racism, right?

Rami Malek: Yeah, it is.

Daniel Craig: Well, look, I’m here. I’m ready. Can we? Can I at least have a go? Try? [Daniel Craig gets a guitar]

Jordon Peele: Fine. Show me Prince seeing an adorable dog.

[Daniel Craig does the act]

Ego: But then it bites him.

[Daniel Craig does the act]

Punkie: Okay. So, he kicks it and he misses.

[Daniel Craig does the act. He almost falls on Kenan Thompson.]

Kenan Thompson: Hey. Get off me, Double-O-ugly.

Jordon Peele: How was that?

Jordon Peele: That was bad. But you’re James Bond, so you got the part.

Lotto Drawing

Jim Bullock… Kenan Thompson

Wendy DiMichael… Aidy Bryant

Felix Cruz… Chris Redd

Shonda… Kim Kardashian

Ronda… Cecily Strong

Diana Ross… Ego Nwodim

[Starts with WEJJ Channel 7 Eyewitness News intro]

[Cut to Jim Bullock and Wendy DiMichael in their news set]

Jim Bullock: Welcome back to Channel 7 Eyewitness News, “You news it, you lose it!” Still working on that slogan.

Wendy DiMichael: I prefer mine. “News: It’s what happened recently.”

Jim Bullock: In just a minute, we’ll throw it over to Felix Cruz with sports.

Felix Cruz: I got all the scores for you baby, except baseball and football.

Jim Bullock: But first, it’s the live drawing of tonight’s power ball lotto jackpot.

Wendy DiMichael: Let’s go to Shonda at the lottery headquarters.

[Cut to Shonda]

Shonda: And I’m Shonda. And the first ball up is three. The next is seven. The next is nine. And the last is ‘J’. Making tonight’s winning numbers 3-7-9-J. Back to you, Jim.

Jim Bullock: Shonda, I don’t think there’s supposed to be letters in the lotto drawing.

Wendy DiMichael: Yeah. Give us a second on that. In the meantime, let’s go to Ronda with the numbers for tonight’s double play.

Ronda: And thank you. I’m Ronda. Tonight’s double play jackpot is money. And first ball up is three. The next is 4000. The next is blank. And the last is Milwaukee Bucks. Making tonight’s winning numbers 3-4000-blank-Milwaukee Bucks. Back to you, Jim.

Jim Bullock: The numbers aren’t supposed to go above 10.

Wendy DiMichael: Yeah. And was there a blank in there?

Jim Bullock: I also think that one of the balls from the NBA draft might have gotten mixed in. Maybe there’s an issue with the tubes feeding the balls up?

Wendy DiMichael: Well, let’s go back to Shonda who I’m told has the correct numbers this time. Shonda.

Shonda: And I’m Shonda. And you’re watching lotteries. The first ball up is three. The next is meatball. The next is meatball. And the last is bread. Making tonight’s lucky numbers, 3-meatball-meatball-bread. Back to you, Jim.

Jim Bullock: Okay, those are the ingredients of a meatball hero.

Wendy DiMichael: Yeah, that’s what I ordered for lunch.

Jim Bullock: Maybe the lottery tube got switched with the tube from the Deli?

Wendy DiMichael: So, delis use tubes?

Jim Bullock: Just trying to piece this together in real time, Wendy. Why don’t we go back to Ronda who has the correct double play numbers?

Ronda: I sure do, Ronda. I’m Ronda. Good luck to all of you out there and me.

Wendy DiMichael: Oh. I don’t think you’re supposed to play.

Ronda: And the first ball up is cellphone. The next is car keys.

Jim Bullock: Oh god, now it’s just stuff from my dressing room.

Ronda: The next is wallet. And the last is condoms. Making tonight’s winning numbers cellphone-car keys-wallet-condoms. Back to you, Jim.

Jim Bullock: Thank you, Ronda.

Wendy DiMichael: You bring condoms to work?

Jim Bullock: I think those were just lollipops with sticks broken off.

Felix Cruz: Hey, I got an update for you. Lottery lady – one, Jim – zero. Ha-ha-ha.

Jim Bullock: Dumb! Why don’t you focus on getting football and baseball?

Felix Cruz: They won’t tell me the scorers.

Wendy DiMichael: Alright. I’m being told that a repair man is fixing the tubes as we speak. So, Shonda should be ready now with the real numbers. Shonda?

Shonda: And I’m still Shonda. The first ball up is screwdriver. The next is mustache. The next is finger. And the last is blood. Making tonight’s winning numbers screwdriver-mustache-finger-blood. Back to you, Jim.

Jim Bullock: Oh my god!

Wendy DiMichael: I know. She only throws back to you. What about “Back to you Jim and Wendy”?

Jim Bullock: You’re pointing that out now?

Felix Cruz: I got another update for you. Tubes – one, repair man – zero. Ha-ha-ha.

Jim Bullock: Dumb! Let’s take a break and sort this out. And hey, our apologies to Diana Ross ho has been sitting here patiently in the studio.

Diana Ross: Screwdriver-mustache-finger-blood. I won!

[Cut to outro]

Male voice: Channel 7 Eyewitness News. “News: It’s what’s happened recently.”

Womens Talk Show

Ego Nwodim

Charlette… Cecily Strong

Dee-dee… Heidi Gardner

Maney… Aidy Bryant

Doctor… Owen Wilson

[Starts with the show intro]

[Cut to the show stage. There are four women sitting at the table.]

Ego: Welcome back to The Talking where we discuss everything that women can have an opinion about at EgoEgo:Dee-dee0 in the morning. Later, we’ll talk about Biden’s infrastructure bills, but first, Crock Pot lasagne. This sounds gross to me. Anyone else?

Charlette: You know, I have a question. What’s an air fryer? What is it?

Dee-dee: Ladies, if something’s fried, I won’t eat it.

Ego: Dee-dee, don’t talk like that.

Maney : Now look, as you all know, my husband is very well endowed, okay? And he actually cooks dinner for us and he loves the air fryer.

Charlette: Okay, here’s what I don’t get. How does air fry something? How does air make it fry?

Maney : Charlette, none of us know. And I don’t really love how you asked that.

Charlette: How did I ask?

Maney : You have a lot of debt.

Charlette: How did I ask?

Maney : You have a lot of debt.

Charlette: How did I ask?

Maney : You have a lot of debt.

Ego: Okay. Okay. Ladies, moving on, the stock market.

All: Hmm.

Dee-dee: I like it.

Charlette: See, I do too.

Maney : I don’t know if you ladies know this but–

Charlette: Don’t say it.

Maney : Well, you don’t know what I’m going to say.

Ego: Alright, go ahead.

Maney : Okay. My husband is very well endowed

Charlette: Yea, you just said that.

Maney : Yea, your children are rude.

Charlette: You are a bad friend.

Maney : Yea, your children are rude.

Charlette: You are a bad friend.

Maney : Yea, your children are rude.

Charlette: You are a bad friend.

Ego: Ladies, please, enough. Enough.

[a doctor walks in]

Doctor: [to Dee-dee] Hello. I’m sorry. I need to inform you of your covid test results.

Dee-dee: Oh, hi. Here?

Doctor: Yes, ma’am. I just received them and this is where you are. So, I brought them here. I’m gonna have to confirm some information.

Dee-dee: Okay. Do we have to do this on air?

Doctor: Yea. It has to be on TV for HIPAA reasons. We either can’t tell anybody or have to tell everybody. No middle ground.

Dee-dee: Okay.

Doctor: Can I have your full name?

Dee-dee: Dee-dee Calresian.

Doctor: Correct. Date of birth.

Dee-dee: May EgoDee-deeth.

Doctor: May EgoDee-deeth what?

Dee-dee: Nineteen… eighty… two.

Ego: Damn Dee-dee, you’re younger than you look.

Dee-dee: Thanks! Wait. Hey!

Doctor: And what have you done in the last 72 hours?

Dee-dee: Like, in general?

Doctor: Yes.

Dee-dee: Came to work, googled myself. I don’t know.

Doctor: Very well. Unfortunately, your covid test came back positive. So, I’m afraid you’re going to have to come with me.

Dee-dee: No! Well, bye everybody.

Ego: Well, viewers, it looks like Dee-dee had a breakthrough case. It happens. Obviously we’ve all been vaccinated dozens, dozens, dozens of times.

Maney : Yeah, wow! Well, she is going to be sad to miss this next segment. Because today, we’re talking to the leader of the Vatican himself, the Pope.

Ego: No. Help me out here. Is it the Pope or da’ Pope?

Maney : I think it’s just Pope.

Charlette: I can’t keep up.

Ego: Well, look. In just a minute, Pope is gonna tell us about his foreign plans. Do you ladies switch your purse for fall? I don’t.

Charlette: I only switch for summer. Are we doing Halloween this year?

Maney : Yea, my tree’s up.

[Doctor walks in again]

Oh, okay. The man is back

Doctor: [to Maney ] Yea, ma’am, I need to speak with you to do some contact tracing. Have you been in contact with anyone who has had tested positive for covid in the past 72 hours?

Maney : Well, you just took Dee-dee away for having covid.

Doctor: Good memory. Can you confirm your name?

Maney : Yea. Maney Talkin.

Doctor: And your number of sexual partners?

Maney : Oh. Just one.

Doctor: Okay. That’s not what I have here.

Maney : I’m sorry. Could we go to commercial?

Charlette: Oh, they’re saying we ran out.

Maney : Of commercials?

Doctor: Well, the bad news is one of you ladies also tested positive but I understand you’re on live TV. So, I wanna be discreet about this. I think I’m just gonna put my hand on the head of the person who has covid.

[Doctor slowly puts his hand on Maney ‘s head]

Maney : Okay. Bye, everyone.

Ego: Wow! Well, this is very bizarre because I cannot stress enough how many times we’ve all been vaccinated.

Charlette: Countless times.

Ego: Well, let’s go on to our next topic, women buying their own engagement ring?

Charlette: I think the boy should buy it.

[The doctor walks in again and holds Charlette]

Well, sir?

Doctor: I’m sorry. We’re gonna have to remove you but I didn’t want to make a big deal of it.

Charlette: I’ve got covid?

Doctor: No. You have HPV.

Charlette: Does that mean I can’t be on TV?

Doctor: It does.

[Ego is alone on the table now]

Ego: Wow. Okay, well, looks like it’s just me now. Okay, wait, no. I’m getting word. Good news is they were false positives. Not the HPV though. See you next time!

Weekend Update A Black Woman Whos Been Missing for Ten Years

Colin Jost

Missing black woman… Ego Nwodim

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost:  Well, there’s been a lot of media coverage about a missing woman from Long Island, with some calling it another example of missing white woman syndrome since minority women are rarely given the same attention. Here with her thoughts is a black woman who has been missing for ten years.

[Missing black woman slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Welcome. Welcome.

Missing black woman: It’s good to be here, Colin. Honestly, it’s good to be anywhere because I had been missing, okay? It’s so frustrating. There was a white woman who went missing the same time as me and look at the photo they put out of her. [A picture of a white lady appears] Just gorgeous. Hair and make up all done. Make up, nails, all of that. Now, look at the photo they used for me. [A picture of Missing black woman appears and it’s not a good picture.] Who the hell wants to find that? Huh? I look like old dirty bastard’s dirtiest sister. And look at the white lady’s reward. $10,000. That’s a new car. Now, check out the reward for me. A $15 gift card for Chili’s Too. You got to go to an airport to use that, Colin. They’re offering chips and guacamole to find a human soul. It’s not right. And this is the worst part. At the top of my photo, they put ‘Wanted’. I’m not wanted. I’m missing! If I was wanted, I probably wouldn’t be missing. Plus the white girl got amber alert. Oh boy, every iPhone in the room started beeping and buzzing. They only put out my disappearance on Cricket Wireless. And if you opened the alert, it charged you $2.99.

Colin Jost: That is rough.

Missing black woman: Yeah.

Colin Jost: And how are you treated by the media?

Missing black woman: Not great. The newspaper headline about her disappearance was on the front page, okay? And it said “White virginal dime piece ripped from the hands of her loving, still married parents.” Not exactly sure why they needed to flaunt their marriage on missing person section. Well, okay. And mine was on page C-15 and that one read “Girl not home for 40 days, probably nothing, family cool with it.”

Colin Jost: That’s by the Obituaries.

Missing black woman: Yeah.

Colin Jost: Now, do you think that the media has to recognize its own bias in this?

Missing black woman: Oh, it’s not just the media, Colin. Even in the movies, black women can’t get attention. White women had “Gone Girl”, “Gone Baby Gone”, “Where In The World Did That Gone Girl Go?” The best black woman got was “Madea’s Witness Protection”.

Colin Jost: That’s tough. Yes.

Missing black woman: And do you remember “Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri”?

Colin Jost: Oh, yeah.

Missing black woman: Yeah, that was three billboards for one white girl. All I got was a flyer at McDonald’s that said “You’ve seen this bitch? Either way, we good.”

Colin Jost: Well, I would just like to say that here in Weekend Update, we pledge all we speak up for those without voices.

Missing black woman: Okay. Because yesterday your co-anchor posted [picture of Michael Che’s Insta post appears] “What did R. Kelly even do?”

Michael Che: What did he do? I mean, you don’t want to answer.

Colin Jost: A black woman who’s been missing for 10 years, everyone.

Missing black woman: Ya’ll haven’t even asked my name.

Colin Jost: What is your name?

Missing black woman: Dont!

Splitting the Check

Jackie… Owen Wilson

Ego Nwodim

Waiter… Aristotle Athari

Kenan Thompson

Cecily Strong

Bob… Alex Moffat

Heidi Gardner

[Starts with a group of adults at a restaurant]

Jackie: Anyway, I spent a lot of time defending sea world but they really do a terrific job with the fish.

Ego: Cool.

[waiter walks in with the check]

Waiter: Here’s your check. Whenever you’re ready. No rush.

Jackie: He was great, by the way. I think we tip him, right?

[Kenan nods his head]

Cecily: Okay. So, how should we do this?

Bob: I guess I could put it on my card?

Ego: No, no, you don’t have to do that.

Jackie: If it’s easier, we can just split it six ways.

Cecily: Well, some people had more than others.

Jackie: Did they?

Cecily: Let’s just go through and see who ordered what.

Jackie: Okay. That’s fair.

Cecily: Diet coke.

Kenan: That’s me.

Cecily: Coke zero.

Jackie: That’s me.

Cecily: Sprite zero.

Jackie: Me as well. Just obeying my thirst.

Cecily: Iced tea.

Heidi: Me.

Cecily: Arnold Palmer.

Jackie: Moi.

Cecily: Arnold Palmer with tequila.

Jackie: Ha-ha. Someone had to get the party started.

Cecily: Whole roasted chicken, extra potatoes.

Jackie: Sounds familiar.

Cecily: Flat iron pork chop, sub out broccoli for potatoes.

Jackie: Okay, no, no, no. Wait. That, I ordered for the table. Although, I probably ate the lion share of it.

Cecily: 98 ounce quarter house steak.

Jackie: Don’t look at me because I didn’t get that. I’m serious. I didn’t get that. There’s now way. Come on.

Cecily: There’s a photo of you on the wall eating it.

Jackie: Well, maybe.

Cecily: Four bacon cheese burgers to go.

Jackie: Okay, I’m off the hot seat. Bob, that’s you.

Bob: I’m a vegetarian.

Jackie: Little too much information.

Cecily: The Carson Daly, chicken broth and vodka.

Jackie: Yeah, I was trying to switch it up. A man cannot live on tequila alone.

Cecily: Five shots of tequila but leave them on the bathroom so my friends don’t find out.

Ego: I’m actually more concerned that you called us friends.

Bob: A dozen raw eggs still in the container.

Jackie: That I’ll admit was a little grocery shopping. I don’t expect you guys to pay for that.

Heidi: A bottle of your nicest white wine with a note that says, “Please take me back, Jennifer, I am so, so sorry. I know we can make this work if you just tell the judge you were lying.”

Jackie: They wrote that on the bill? Why? Just to embarrass me?

Cecily: No. They charged you because you asked for it to be done by a calligrapher.

Jackie: Beautiful.

Cecily: Bowl of turkey chilly with a rum floater.

Jackie: Did I do that? Urkle.

Cecily: Another small side of potatoes.

Kenan: That actually was me. Those potatoes did look good.

Cecily: And a Cadillac margarita.

Jackie: Hey, it’s 5 AM somewhere, right?

Heidi: AM?

Jackie: Is anyone else really blacking out right now?

[Kenan hits the table]

Kenan: Mr. Jackie St. Croix St. Thomas, we invited you to this meeting because you said you uncovered a map that would show us a true location of the holy grail.

Bob: We’ve been more than patient with you. Now produce the map at once!

Heidi: There are interested parties, [whispering] Nazis, who are mot eager to possess it.

Jackie: Great. I’m just gonna come clean. I’m not the successful dentist turned janitor turned influencer you all thought I was. And I don’t have the map. [Jackie slowly puts his hat] Because it belongs in a museum.

[Jackie stands. Everyone is shocked.]

Kenan: It’s him!

Cecily: Dr. Indianapolis Bones?

[Cut to outro]

Male voice: The adventures of Indianapolis Bones.

[Cut to the restaurant. Waiter walks in with a gun in his hand.]

Waiter: Not so fast, Dr. Bones.

Jackie: Nothing my trusty whip can’t handle!

[Jackie pulls out his whip. Waiter shoots at him and Jackie falls.]

Cecily: Oh! You killed him! You killed Dr. Bones in the first episode?

Male voice: Only on Amazon Prime. We’re still figuring it out.

 

School Board Meeting

Ego Nwodim

Alex Moffat

Jane… Cecily Strong

Punkie Johnson

Chris Redd

Heidi Gardner

Mikey Day

Mr. Dod… Owen Wilson

Mr. Dod Yang

Jan… Aidy Bryant

Kyle Mooney

Andrew Dismukes

Dog the bounty hunter… Pete Davidson

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez… Melissa Villaseñor

Scary Gary Loomis… Kenan Thompson

Aristotle Athari

Chloe Fineman

[Starts with an channel show schedule]

Male voice: You’re watching Lucerne County Community Channel Mr. Dod. Next, a still image of YMCA Youth Soccer Schedule for six days. But now, The District 7 School Board Meeting.

[Cut to the school meeting.]

Ego: Motion passes. The name of Robert E. Lee Middle School will be changed to Robert E. Lee Was Bad Middle School. Now, we know there’ve been lots of questions about the school district’s covid safety policy, so we open the floor to the public. Ma’am?

Jane: Hello. My name is Jane Nordling Smythe! I am concerned and I am also crazy. Let’s begin. The Johnson Johnson and Johnson are from cause a Fauci, okay? And the Fauci’s only part of it. But not on T-Mobile because this, all of this, this is about Israel.

Alex: Ma’am. Do you have a question about the school district’s covid policy or your child’s safety?

Jane: I don’t have a child and I don’t live in this town.

Alex: Then you should not be here. Next!

Punkie: So, I’m confused. My son can’t play football because they say vaccine he got wasn’t valid.

Ego: Okay, well, that was probably an error. Which vaccine did he receive?

Punkie: He got Mike’s Hard vaccine.

Ego: Mike’s Hard vaccine? Yes, that’s definitely not on the approved list.

Chris: [yelling at Punkie] I told you, ma! I told you that gal was lying.

Ego: Okay, next!

Heidi: Hi. I’m so mad, I’m literally shaking right now. Forget covid. The real threat is critical race theory being taught in our schools. My question is what is it and why am I mad about it?

Ego: We are taking questions about the covid protocols. Yes, sir. Hello.

Mikey: Hi there. If a child tests positive, is the school authorized to give them Ivertypacatraz? Which I took and cured my covid in basically half a day.

Alex: What exactly is that?

Mikey: It’s a hormone given to elephants in captivity to boost sperm production and it’s very safe. My son took it and had no adverse effects.

[Cut to his son. He is a kid but he has full grown beard.]

Ego: We are not authorized to administer any treatment. Next.

Mr. Dod: Hi there. I’m Mr. Dod. I teach Earth Science at Robert E. Lee… Was Bad Middle School. And look, I know we’re just trying to keep our students safe but I’ve looked into it and I can’t find any proof that separating students by race is gonna stop covid transmission.

Ego: Is that something you’re doing in class?

Mr. Dod: Yes, and I prefer not to. The science just doesn’t back it up. I mean, not to mention I think it’s frankly a little racist.

Alex: [shocked] It’s a lot racist! And it’s also not part of our covid policy.

Mr. Dod: No. I mean, I’ve got the memo right here. [pulls out a paper] It says… Oh! Okay. I see now it says ‘separate by six feet’, not ‘segregate by six feet’. Okay. That’s my bad. Bonehead alert! Well, I’m glad that mystery solved. It’s been a weird two weeks. Thanks guys.

Ego: We are so getting sued over that. Next!

[9 is just warming up at the table. He is an asian man with white dreadlocks.]

Alex: Sir, do you have a question?

9: [in loud voice] Barack Hussein Obama–

Ego: No! We’re not doing that. Next!

Jan: Jan Krang. J-A-N K-Rang! This is not about the covar virus. It’s is about the high school teens who meet in the parking lot near my home to vape and anal each other.

Ego: Ms. Krang, no! Ah-ah-ah! No, Ms. Krang. Good bye. Hi boys.

Kyle: Hi. We’re juniors at mid high school. Our question is, why can’t we game in class?

Ego: Again. We’re hearing covid safety issues only, but you’re at school to learn, not game.

Andrew: [small voice] Bitch!

[Ego is trying to stand, but Alex holds her down]

Mr. Dod: Sorry, it’s me again. I emailed my class. I told them the separating by race was a big misunderstanding and they actually want to keep it. Is that okay? No, right?

Ego: No.

Mr. Dod: Okay, got you. And you guys are doing a heck of a job. You really are.

Ego: Yes. And you are not. Wait, are you Dog the bounty hunter?

Dog the bounty hunter: Damn right I am! [smoking a cigarette] As you know, I’ve joined the hunt for Brian Laundrie. So my question to you is, do you know where he is? Because I can’t find this dude anywhere.

Ego: We do not.

Dog the bounty hunter: Are you sure? I got no leads on this guy. Either he’s good or I’m bad. One of the two.

Alex: Yes, we will let you know if we see him.

Dog the bounty hunter: Yea, that would mean the world to me, bro.

Ego: Right. And now, folks, this is about the covid policy at the district schools only. Next.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: Hello.

Ego: No! Ah-ah! Because I can already tell what you’re about to do or say will not be on topic. No.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: Smart lady!

Alex: Next? Yes, you sir.

Kyle: Yes, hi. I want to know what you are doing to keep my son safe from the lies of Barack Hussein Obama?

Ego: No! No! No more of that! No, what is wrong with you people? Alright, next?

Gary: Oh, it’s just me, Scary Gary Loomis, resident Halloween buff. And I would like to appeal the cancellation of my haunted house in high school gym. It’s only 400 actors dressed as freaky frights, screaming and spitting ooze at the students.

Ego: Gary, that room is unventilated. Appeal denied.

Gary: [angry face] You gonna regret this.

Alex: We won’t. Okay, next.

[three students are there. Two wearing cheer leading dress and one with a guitar]

Melissa: You guys ready?

Chloe: [singing] Science!

Aristotle: [singing] Fear!

Melissa: Which one prevail?

Alex: Sorry! No, I’m sorry. I literally don’t have the energy for whatever this performance is. Anyone else?

[9 comes all hyped up again]

Sir, is this about school district’s covid policy?

[9 nods his head]

9: Hillary Rodham Hussein Clinton!

Alex: No! No!

Ego: I can’t believe we fell for that again. Alright. Any more questions?

[There’s no one at the table]

[Gary sneaks at the back of Ego and Alex and shouts in surprise]

Gary: [yelling] Let me do my haunted house!

[Ego and Alex jump scared]

Ego: No! Meeting adjourned.

 

Biden Unites Democrats Cold Open

Joe Biden… James Austin Johnson

Kyrsten Sinema… Cecily Strong

Joe Manchin… Aidy Bryant

Ilhan Omar… Ego Nwodim

Alexandria… Melissa Villaseñor.

Andrew Cuomo… Pete Davidson

Chuck Schumer… Alex Moffat

Male voice: And now, a message from the president of the United States, Joseph R. Biden.

[Cut to Joe Biden speaking on a podium]

[cheers and applause]

Joe Biden: Hello. Good evening. Fellow Americans, how’s everybody doing? What’s cooking? What’s good? How are you doing? How was everybody’s summer? Mine was bad. Not Cuomo bad but definitely not Afghanistan good. Everyone keeps harassing me about that drone strike. But on the bright side, I went the entire summer without falling down the stairs once. It’s pretty darn good. And hey, Broadway’s back. That’s exciting, right? [cheers and applause] So was the Taliban. So, I win some, lose some.

Unlike our last president, I try staying out of the limelight. I’m like an oil change, you don’t think about me unless you absolutely have to.

Right now, America needs me. Democrats need me. Got a major of structure bell on a historic socio gen, it had to get past. So now, I’m bringing together the democrats like Voltron so they’re all different colors but fundamentally, the robots. On one side, we have the moderate democrats, Kyrsten Sinema from Arizona.

[Cut to Kyrsten Sinema standing beside Joe Biden]

Kyrsten Sinema: What do I want from this bill? I’ll never tell. Because I didn’t come to congress to make friends. And so far, mission accomplished.

Joe Biden: Is it just me or does she look like all the characters from Scooby Doo at the same time? And another pain in my keister the de facto president of the United States, Joe Manchin from West Virginia.

[Cut to Joe Manchin standing beside Kyrsten Sinema]

Joe Manchin: Yeah, that’s right. I’m a democrat from West Virginia. If I vote for electric cars, they’re gonna kill me.

Joe Biden: On the other side, we have two members of progressive caucus, Ilhan Omar from Minessota

[Cut to Ilhan Omar]

Ilhan Omar: Thank you Joe for not calling me Kamala. For those of you who don’t know me, I was designed in a lab to give Tucker Carlson a heart attack.

Joe Biden: And finally, Alexandria– I’m not going to try to say the whole name. A.O.C. from Nueva York.

[Cut to Alexandria waving her hands]

[cheers and applause]

Alexandria: Yes, it’s me, the Cruella of the MET Gala. I wore a dress that said “Tax the rich”, then spent all night partying with the rich. Oops!

Joe Biden: Let’s go through this agenda together because we’re going to realize, “Hey, we’re all on the same page. We’re all singing the same damn thing.”

Alexandria: That’s right. I’m saying we need at least 300 billion in clean energy tax credits.

Joe Manchin: And I’m saying 0.

Joe Biden: See? Same page. There’s a lot of good stuff in this bill like Joe BidenKyrsten Sinema weeks of paid family leave.

Kyrsten Sinema: Six days!

Joe Biden: Six whole days of paid–

Joe Manchin: Well, unpaid.

Joe Biden: Unpaid six whole days–

Kyrsten Sinema: Night.

Joe Biden: Six nights of unpaid family half leave. That’s not a bad compromise, right? And what do you want in return?

Alexandria: What about a child tax credit?

Joe Biden: Great idea! We always said, children shouldn’t pay taxes. It’s a lot of math.

Joe Manchin: But if we give children too much leeway, how are they gonna get them to work in the minds, you know? We need their tiny hands to dig. All the big pieces of coal are gone. We need the little kid fingers to gather the little pieces.

Joe Biden: Okay. Let’s get a little basic. Roads. Everyone okay with roads?

Alexandria: I like roads.

Joe Manchin: Me too. Roads are where trucks live.

Joe Biden: Kyrsten?

Kyrsten Sinema: I want no roads.

Joe Biden: No roads? Why?

Kyrsten Sinema: Chaos!

Joe Biden: Alright! What about water? We’re allotting. Let’s see. 65 billion for water. Wow, that’s a lot of water. Does it come with the mermaid? Just kidding.

[Joe Biden pokes Ilhan Omar with his ankle to let her know of is joke]

Ilhan Omar: No. It was good.

Joe Biden: Yeah. What do you say, Joe? You good with water?

Joe Manchin: I don’t like that taste.

Joe Biden: Fine. Let’s focus on the two things that poll best with all Americans – lowering the price of prescription drugs–

Kyrsten Sinema: No!

Joe Biden: And raising taxes on billionaires.

[Kyrsten Sinema shows her thumbs down on the idea]

Alright then, just tell us Kyrsten. What do you like? What’s good to you?

Kyrsten Sinema: Yellow starbursts, the film “The Polar Express”, and when someone eats fish on an airplane.

Alexandria: But can’t we compromise on anything? Isn’t something better than nothing?

Kyrsten Sinema: Look. As a wine drinking bisexual triathlete, I know what the average American wants. They want to be put on hold when they call 9Joe BidenJoe Biden. They want bridges that just stop, car falls down. They want water so thick, you can eat it with a fork. And I will fight for that no matter what, unless my foot hurts, then I’ll go back to Arizona.

Joe Biden: Fine! Fine! Then we’re gonna talk about one last item on the agenda. Most important one. Trains!

Ilhan Omar: Oh god, again?

Joe Biden: Come on! Don’t take dreams away from me! We need to remind people of the grandeur of American rail travel. The quiet car. The seats are faced backwards. The sliding bathroom doors that don’t quite lock. You open it up, catch a glimpse of an old man on a toilet. The full bottle of gatorade rolling around on the floor of the train. It goes that way, it goes back. Without trains, no American.

Ilhan Omar: I can’t believe I’m saying this to my white boss, it’s gonna be okay.

[Andrew Cuomo walks in]

Andrew Cuomo: It’s gonna be more than okay. Take it from me, governor-ish Andrew Cuomo. Us democrats have had each other’s backs no matter what. We’re like one big Italian family. And you know what Italians like to do? Hug and kiss and run their fingers up each other’s backs. So, let’s all come together– Oh, bad choice of words there. And get this bill pass today. Just like me, it deserves a second chance. And a third chance. And up to at least Joe BidenJoe Biden chances. Oh, and I want to plug my new book. My first one was called “Lessons and Leadership”. And my new one is called “Whoops!”

[Chuck Schumer walks in]

Chuck Schumer: And I’m here to promote my new book, “Sandwiches I have liked and tried”. Hello, I’m Chuck Schumer. You may remember me, but you don’t. I hope you’ve enjoyed our little rap session. Next time you get an email from the democratic party with a scary desperate subject line like “It’s all over, Jennifer. Democracy is dead unless you donate $Chuck Schumer now!”, don’t panic too much. Us democrats are all in this together.

Joe Biden: Hey, we sure are. Because fundamentally, we’re all the same.

Andrew Cuomo: Screw!

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!