Tag: Punkie Johnson

It Gets Better

Matt Lee…Bowen Yang

Tayor Bard…Dan Levy

Miranda Rivers… Kate McKinnon

Jemima Cullen…Punkie Johnson

[Starts with several “It Gets Better” videos]

Female voice: In 2011, the “It Gets Better” project worked to show LGBTQ plus youth, the amazing heights their lives would reach.

Matt Lee: Every time I was picked on, I just reminded myself it gets better.

Miranda Rivers: There is hope.

Female voice: On the 10th anniversary of “It Gets Better”, we asked previous youth participants to share how their lives have changed for the better.

Matt Lee: It gets better.

Miranda Rivers: It does truly get better. And then someti– Within that better is– There are some things that are like, less better.

Jemima Cullen: Oh, yeah. Yeah. I think so. It get better. Sometimes…

Matt Lee: After high school, I really learned to love myself. I finally stopped getting bullied … by straight people. But I pretty much immediately started getting tormented by gay people for my taste in music. I think it’s why.

Tayor Bard: I men, I don’t get bullied by kids anymore because I’m a very successful man in my 30s. You know what feels very similar to being shoved in a locker though? Income tax. I know that’s not exactly what you guys do but I’m just saying like, stuff about taxes would have been extremely helpful.

Miranda Rivers: My dream was always to have a family. But I never thought that was possible. Now I have two beautiful kids and they’re smart and they’re amazing and they asked me for an iguana. And I got them that iguana. And that iguana outgrew six tanks and has ruined my floor with it’s urine and has taken over my life. Now there is an evil dinosaur living my house. So, that part is not better.

Jemima Cullen: At this point, I thought I would be embraced by a big community of people who were like me. But I only have one friend. and she is my girlfriend. And she don’t even like me that much.

Tayor Bard: It was so amazing when gay marriage was legalized. Unfortunately, that was also when they legalized gay divorce. Just because you can legally get married doesn’t mean you should.

Bown: It’s scarier when people are mean because they are so organized. Tweeted one vague opinion about Chromatica and I had to move. Not just apartments. Like, cities.

Miranda Rivers: I actually never even worry about being gay anymore. I only worry about the iguana. The first thing I think about when I wake up is the iguana. And the last thing I think about when I go to sleep is the iguana. It figured out door knob.

Matt Lee: It’s way better than before. I’m fully accepted by my entire family. But I don’t like most of them.

Miranda Rivers: It means so much that I have the right to visit my wife in the hospital. It just sucks that she’s in the hospital because she was mauled in the face by the iguana.

Matt Lee: I can tell the youth of 2021 one thing. [showing his picture from 10 years back] It got better for him. Be yourself. Just don’t say that you do or don’t like some songs.

Jemima Cullen: [showing her picture from 10 years back] Her advice, don’t wear basketball shorts because when you’re out with your girl, people are going to think you’re the one who fights.

Tayor Bard: [showing his picture from 10 years back] It definitely got better for this guy. So much better that he got to have problems previously only available to straight people. And that is progress.

Miranda Rivers: [showing his picture from 10 years back] She wouldn’t trade any of it for the world. Well, she would trade one thing.

Matt Lee: It gets better.

Tayor Bard: It gets better.

Jemima Cullen: It gets better.

Miranda Rivers: It gets so much be– [the iguana is sitting beside her. She gets scared.]

Female voice: It gets better… and it gets other stuff too.

Pandemic Game Night

Keith… John Krasinski

Goldie… Cecily Strong

Angela… Aidy Bryant

Kyle Mooney

Heidi Gardner

Brad… Beck Bennett

FBI agents… Mikey Day, Punkie Johnson

[Starts with six adults in a house having a fun night.]

Keith: Alright. This meeting of the Warren Street covid bubble is now on session.

Goldie: Ah! I am so grateful we get to to this once a week. If I didn’t have this bubble, I would go insane.

Angela: Oh, yes. You have to have a pod that you can trust.

Kyle: Amen!

Keith: Alright. Who’s ready to play pioneer’s, a mountain pass?

Heidi: You know I am. I’ll be shopkeep.

Keith: Alright. Well, I guess I’ll be mayor’s daughter again.

Brad: [standing] Uh… I think I hear a pizza man at the door. Excuse me, uh… that will be… uh… I’ll be going to get the pizza, fellow forgers. I don’t know.

Keith: You know we’ll save you for the game, Brad.

[Brad opens the door. There’s an FBI agent.]

7: Brad Dobbit, you’re under arrest for storming the Capitol.

Brad: Yes, I am. You got me.

Heidi: What? Brad? You stormed the Capitol?

Brad: I’m sorry, everyone. I wasn’t in the bathroom that day. I was out at DC stopping the steal with my boys.

Goldie: Oh my god, Brad! Why on earth would you do that?

Brad: Because I care about our nation and its constitution. So, I wet jelly on a statue and put Pelosi’s phone on my pants.

Kyle: So, that’s what you did?

Brad: What else was I supposed to do? The guy I wanted to win didn’t win.

7: Alright. Let’s go.

Brad: Well, let me grab my coat first.

Angela: My god. I can’t believe this. I mean, is this really happening?

[Brad wears his fur coat and horns cap]

Brad: Tell my story.

7: Alright.

[7 grabs Brad by his hand]

Brad: Ouch! My hand!

Kyle: Oh my god! Did any of you know about this?

Heidi: No. I mean it’s Brad. Sweet, angry Brad.

Angela: Wow, I am floored. You think you know someone and then this happens.

Keith: I know. Well, let’s start the game. Shall we?

[door bell ringing]

Angela: Yes. Oh, well. I bet that’s the pizza.

Keith: Alright, but hop to it Angela because we got a lot of pioneering to get through.

Angela: Okay. Quit reminding us.

[Angela opens the door. There’s a female FBI agent.]

8: Angela Barnes, you’re under arrest.

Angela: Okay, I know that.

Kyle: Angela?

Goldie: Not sweet, racist Angela?

Angela: It’s true. I’m a patriot unlike this bubble of cucks.

Kyle: You’re gonna go to jail!

Angela: Ah! It was worth it. I had sex with Chuck Norris. At least he told me he was Chuck Norris. He kept saying, “You still think I’m Chuck Norris, right?”

8: Okay. We’re taking you in.

Angela: Well, let me just get my stuff, please. Okay. [Angela wears her Uncle Jam American flag hat with white beard] Now, Uncle Jam says don’t trade on this.

[7 pulls Angela out of the door]

Kyle: Is anybody else freaked out that two of our friends just got arrested?

[door bell ringing. Keith stands to answer the door.]

Oh no. Not you too!

Keith: Dude, you know me better than that. Okay?

[Keith opens the door. A guy wearing pizza delivery outfit is there.]

It’s just a pizza guy.

9: Or is it? [he opens his fake outfit. He is also an FBI.]

Keith: Dammit!

7: Are you Keith Renault?

Keith: Yes. Or Q-daddy on Facebook, marketl.

7: [looking at Goldie] Are you Goldie Flemming?

Goldie: I am. And I want my phone call.

7: That happens later, ma’am.

Heidi: Oh my god! Not crazy Goldie and dishonorably discharged Keith!

Keith: Alright. How did you find us?

Goldie: Was it our post on Instagram?

Keith: Or was it out check-in on Facebook?

Goldie: Or when I Venmoed him $10 to kick Pence’s ass?

Keith: Wait, did the hardware store tell you what I bougth?

7: We found this.

[7 pulls out a photo of them when they were there]

Goldie: Oh, yes. Then yes, guilty as charged. May I grab my cape that celebrates my southern heritage?

7: No.

Keith: May I quickly put on some face paint?

7: No!

Goldie: Oh! And this is the America you want to live in? I ask you

[Keith pulls out a podium and carried it with him]

Keith: Good day, all!

[7 takes them with him]

Kyle: I don’t get it. I mean one of them was my wife.

Heidi: I know.

Kyle: You just don’t know anyone anymore. Do I even know you?

Heidi: No. You are under arrest. [Heidi shows Kyle her FBI card.]

Kyle: Okay. Can I grab my crossbow please?

Heidi: No.

[Heidi starts pushing Kyle to the door]

Kyle: [screaming] But I’m a state senator!

Bullies

Damien… Andrew Dismukes

Kyle Mooney

Mikey Day

Punkie Johnson

Nate… Pete Davidson

John Krasinski

[Starts with a boy reading a book in school. Other boys walk up and start bullying him.]

Kyle: What’s up, loser?

Mikey: What you reading there, ass lick? Little comic book?

[Kyle seizes the book from Damien]

Damien: Give it back!

Punkie: Or what? You gonna cry?

Nate: Little bitch is gonna cry.

[John sees them]

John: Hey! Leave my little brother alone.

[John takes the book back and passes it to Damien]

Nate: Alright, John. Whatever, man. Chill.

John: No, I’m not gonna chill, Nate. Because to be honest, I’m sick of dumb asses like you messing with him. So he’s not captain of the football team, so what? This guy is still cool.

Damien: Thanks, John.

John: So what if he’s never kissed a girl? Big freaking deal? This guy practices kissing all the time.

Damien: Not all the time.

John: And guess what? News flash! Our mom says he’s getting pretty damn good at it.

Kyle: Wait, what?

John: Oh, you think he’s weird, right? Why? Because he sleeps in our parent’s bed when he’s scared?

Damien: Sometimes.

John: Or is it because he has to wear prescription charcoal underwear for his medical gas?

Damien: [embarrassed] Busted!

John: I’ll tell you what? I think he’s brave.

Mikey: Yo, this bitch? Brave? I don’t know about that.

John: Oh, you don’t? Okay. Cast your mind, imagine this. Going into the school bathroom and taking a dump so bad, they had to cancel classes.

Damien: No.

John: But still somehow, he shows up to school the next day with his head held high. He did that.

Punkie: That was you?

Damien: No. Maybe.

John: You look at Damien and all you see is a loner. Right? A loser. A kid with a list of jocks name in his wallet.

Mikey: That’s concerning.
John: To you he’s just a kind that won’t take off his shirt in gym class, right?

Damien: Alright, let’s get out of here.

John: But if you had a birthmark shaped like a swastika, you wouldn’t either!

Damien: Please stop.

Kyle: I’m with Damien, John. Maybe just stop.

John: Why? So you can make fun of him again about his inverted nipples?

Punkie: I didn’t even know about that.

John: Or his inverted foreskin maybe?

Nate: Or that.

John: See, maybe if your foreskin grew down toward the base instead of up towards the tip, you would have a little bit of sympathy for what this dude has been through.

Damien: It’s not that weird.

John: 15 surgeries to correct it.

Damien: Minor ones.

John: Constant cleaning, q-tips, alcohol.

Damien: Alcohol! Party time.

John: And still our mom sends him back to have it redone. Why? Because it doesn’t look right.

Damien: Everyone’s a critic.

Mikey: Wait, sorry. Your mom?

John: You know what? He’s my brother. And he’s cool enough for me. Let’s go, Damien.

[When Damien bends over to get his back, his pants are wet.]

Punkie: Oh! He doogied himself!

John: Hey! Don’t think it was your bullying that made him do that. Okay? Because that has been there all day.

Damien: Yeah!

John: Yeah!

Home for Christmas

Katie… Lauren Holt

Dad.. Beck Bennett

Mom… Melissa Villaseñor

Punkie Johnson

Sue… Kristen Wiig

Grandpa… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Katie getting in the home]

Katie: Hello, is the coast clear? Anybody home?

Dad: Katie, sweetheart!

Punkie: Oh my god. Wait, Katie’s here? I thought you said you couldn’t come home for Christmas. That’s why grandpa’s been so depressed all waek.

Katie: I know. But since I’m a nurse, I was able to get the vaccine. So, I drove all night and dad and I cooked up the surprise.

Sue: [getting excited] Oh my god.

Dad: Yeah. We’re going to do it as soon as he gets home.

Sue: [getting too excited] My god! A surprise? Tonight?

Dad: Yes, Sue. Dad thinks it’s just us for dinner as usual.

Sue: Oh my god! And Katie’s here! With her antibodies?

Katie: I can see that Sue is glad to be a part of this.

Sue: I’m sorry. I love surprises. I’m so excited to see this freaking happen. God, he doesn’t know?

Katie: So, where is Pops now?

Dad: Okay. So, I didn’t know how to get him out of the house. So, I told him to finally take his coins to Coinstar.

Punkie: Should we have Katie hide behind the tree when he gets here?

Sue: [yelling] Yes!

Mom: Sue! Sue! We’re gonna have to keep this a secret when pops gets here. I hope you can keep it together and don’t ruin the surprise.

Katie: Sue? What are you doing?

Sue: [Sue is pulling off her sweater and covering her face] I’m so hot! I’m so freaking excited!

Punkie: Sue! Put your shirt back on.

Sue: He’s going to walk in here with his coin credit. And she’s going to come out from behind the tree. And we all know.

Dad: Yeah. Well, that’s what we’re hoping for.

Mom: Okay. So, how long do you think we have until pops–

Sue: I’m sorry. Oh god! I’m going to have some of this jello. I gotta eat sugar. Gelatin. I’m freaking going to pass out. Oh god.

Dad: Okay. Well, what if I play “I’ll be home for Christmas” when he comes in?

Katie: I love that idea. Sue?

[Sue had her head inside jello]

Punkie: Sue! You have to get yourself together. Katie traveled a long way. You’re going to ruin the surprise!

Sue: I’m sorry. Yes. I think if we just had a practice round, I’d feel better.

Dad: Oh, yes. That’s actually really good idea. Katie, go behind the tree.

Katie: You got it.

Mom: I’m on the music.

Dad: Okay. Now, everyone act natural. I’m dad. I’m coming home from Coinstar. I don’t expect anything because everyone’s acting normal and then Katie jumps out and says–

[Katie walks out from behind the tree. But Sue runs in and pushes Katie away.]

Sue: [shouting] Surprise!

Punkie: Oh my god! Sue! You knocked Katie on to the floor. [to Katie] Are you okay?

Katie: It’s fine. I just landed where I got my shot.

Dad: Oh my gosh. Dad’s back. This is it.

Mom: Okay Katie, hide. Everyone else, act natural. Sue, stay over there and don’t say a word.

[Grandpa walks in]

Dad: Hey, hey, dad!

Grandpa: Oh, good. Everyone’s together. Well, that’s great. But gosh, I just still wish Katie was here.

Mom: Yeah. We wish Katie were here too. Right guys?

Dad: Yeah. Sure do, dad.

Punkie: Maybe next year.

[Sue has Christmas socks inside her mouth.]

Grandpa: What’s going on with Sue? Everyone’s acting weird.

Punkie: Sue?

[Sue is moving around not being able to keep the secret]

Sue: Someone’s upstairs.

Mom: Sue!

Sue: No one! Who? A girl. No. She traveled. What? Yes. Oh. Stop. God! You thought she wasn’t coming. Who? Her. She got here. Pfizer.  What? Oh god. You’re going to be surprised! Oh god. Here it comes. Oh god. Here it comes.

Dad: Stop. Don’t say it. Sue!

[Sue runs out through the window breaking it.]

Grandpa: Good lord. What on earth? Did Sue just punch through the window and jump outside?

[Katie walks out]

Katie: Hi, pops.

Grandpa: What?

Katie: It was supposed to be a surprise.

Grandpa: Katie, you made it. This makes everything all better.

Mom: Oh, come on, everybody. Let’s eat. I have ham in the oven.

Sue: Ham? [Sue jumps in through the chimney] I love ham for Christmas!

[Sue holds the Christmas tree and pulls it out through the broken window]

Dad: My outdoor lights!

Sportsmax

Robert King… Alex Moffat

Drew Matarazo… Beck Bennett

Deluca… Timothée Chalamet

Delvekio… Pete Davidson

Daniel Pryer… Kyle Mooney

Rico… Andrew Dismukes

Chicky Stix… Punkie Johnson

[Starts with channel intro]

Male voice: Great news! Millions of real Americans are switching from Fox News to NewsMax because NewsMax tells them the truth, that Donald Trump could still win this election. And because of our recent success, we’re launching SportsMax. SportsMax is a network for real Jets fans, giving you the truth about America’s favorite football team.

[Cut to Robert King in his set]

Robert King: Now, a lot of mainstream sports networks like ESPN are saying that the Jets have not won a single game this year, that they’re 0-12.

Drew Matarazo: Which is very interesting because the truth is the Jets have already won 11 games this season.

Robert King: Sure. Sure. Take us through that.

Drew Matarazo: Yes, no problem. My pleasure. Now, the experts tell you that the Jets lost to the Bills, 18-10 back in October. Sound like a done deal, right? No. Not so fast. I say go close to look at the numbers. If we dig in here, we’ll see that after the first quarter, the Jets were winning the game 3-0. Then something very vicious happened. Right? The bills started all the points out of god knows where. Either it’s Jets won this game three to nothing or this whole game’s rigged.

Male voice: Finally, a network that understands that real fans don’t give up on their team. No matter what. SportsMax gives you inside analysis from Jetsperts, Deluca and Delvekio.

[Deluca and Delvekio join Robert King. Delvekio has a plate of fries in front of him.]

Robert King: Ha-ha. Now, it’s been reported that on November Drew Matarazo9th, the Jets lost to the Dolphins 20-3.

Deluca: Says who?

Robert King: I mean, that’s how they scored it.

Delvekio: Oh. Who did it? Who did the score?

Robert King: The NFL.

Deluca: Oh, the NFL. Oh! Oh!

Delvekio: Oh! Okay.

Deluca: Listen. I have in my hand right here sworn affidavits from 500 Jets fans who swear they witnessed the Jets win.

Delvekio: But let me tell you something. There’s 8 million Jets fans out there. 8 million. They have nothing to gain by lying about this.

Deluca: Wait. Hold on. You’re gonna tell me 8 million hard working fans that the Jets didn’t actually beat the Dolphins 90 to nothing?

Robert King: I would never do that.

Delvekio: Yes. Because you’re smart. [pointing at the fries] Hey, you’re gonna eat this?

Deluca: No, you can have that. Let’s look at this logically, okay?

Delvekio: Okay.

Deluca: Only a really bad team would only score three points in a football game. The Jets are the greatest team ever. So, something’s not adding up here.

Delvekio: You see? The whole house of cards collapses.

Deluca: Long story short, the Jets are going to Super Bowl. That’s a promise.

Delvekio: Place your bets now, people.

Male voice: SportsMax has football your way. All our re-broadcast games are guaranteed to end in a Jets win. And players on our network never kneel for the national anthem. We’ve made sure of that. And on game day, be sure to check in with our team at WeatherMax.

[Cut to Daniel Pryer. He is out side and it’s snowing.]

Daniel Pryer: Guys, the weather couldn’t be better here at Met Life stadium. Sunny and 68. A beautiful day for some Jets football.

Male voice: And tune in this Sunday for our SportsMax special crossover event, The New York Knicks: 100 years of nothing but greatness. With self-appointed Knicks historians, Rico and Chicky Stix.

Chicky Stix: Now, a lot of people say Michael Jordan is the greatest of all time or maybe LeBron James. But if you look at a random samples, say of the four days in 2012? It’s clearly Jeremy Lin.

Rico: That’s right. He’s the greatest of all time. That’s why he’s the new face of Space Jam by Smucker’s. The insanity never stops.

Male voice: SportsMax, this is gonna work.

Rap Roundtable

Nunya Bizness… Ego Nwodim

Ms. Queen Latifah… Punkie Johnson

Questlove

GuapLord… Pete Davidson

SmokeCheddaThaAssGetta… Timothée Chalamet

[Starts with XXL Rap RoundTable video bumper]
[Cut to Nunya Bizness in the set.]

Nunya Bizness: What’s up and welcome to XXL 2020 for the culture RoundTable. I’m Nunya Bizness and today, we’ve got a distinguish panel to celebrate the unstoppable global force that is hiphop today. First up, a pioneer and trail blazer, Ms. Queen Latifah.

Ms. Queen Latifah: Okay, I see you. Ladies first. Uh-huh. I like that.

Nunya Bizness: Next up, we got hiphop historian DJ and legendary drummer of the Roots Crew, Questlove.

Questlove: Thank you. Thank you. Happy to be here, Nunya. Thank you.

Nunya Bizness: And finally, fresh off breaking the record for most streams on SoundCloud, rap duo Xam Mob, a.k.a. Gwap Lord and SmokeCheddaThaAssGetta.

GuapLord: Yee, yee. Skrri, skrri.

SmokeCheddaThaAssGetta: Say yee!

GuapLord: Yee!

Nunya Bizness: Thank you all. Thank you all. Let’s get started. It’s 2020. What does hiphop represent today?

Ms. Queen Latifah: I mean, at this point, it’s the culture. Period. We took over the world with the power of our sound.

Questlove: Absolutely. From the block parties of the 80s in the Boogie Down Bronx, to the protest movements of today, hiphop is about the lyrical tradition of America.

GuapLord: Nah. See, like, for me, foe me, it’s about that yee-yee!

SmokeCheddaThaAssGetta: Nah, I feel like yee. Somewhat.

Nunya Bizness: I’m sorry. The yee? Could you say more?

SmokeCheddaThaAssGetta: Um, when she skrr on you, you just gotta yee on her.

GuapLord: Yeah. Like, yee-yee. Groor! Groor!

SmokeCheddaThaAssGetta: That’s hiphop.

GuapLord: On gong!

Nunya Bizness: Right. Well, the two confident white boys raise an interesting point. The sound has changed.

Ms. Queen Latifah: I mean, has it though? At the end of the day, it’s still drum and bass. Still an MC.

Questlove: Queen’s right. The MC is what sets hiphop apart. The poetry. The story. The truth.

SmokeCheddaThaAssGetta: Yeah, I feel that. But, yeah. Yeah, yeah. But, what about the yee?

Nunya Bizness: I’m sorry. You’re going to have to speak in full setences.

GuapLord: I got you. You know, like, when she got that thang all up in your face, you’re not gonna yee?

SmokeCheddaThaAssGetta: Bro! Yeah, men gotta yee! On your face!

Nunya Bizness: Okay. We’re talking about music.

SmokeCheddaThaAssGetta: I feel that. But the yee got it boy. Like, I’m talking about my boy Tash from way back. He got Gwap. I’m like, “Damn, man!”

GuapLord: Skrr, skrr.

Nunya Bizness: Okay. I can’t make heads or tails of this nonsense.

Questlove: Okay. I think we’re on the same page here. You’re talking about the party side of hiphop. Like the dancing, the yee’ting.

SmokeCheddaThaAssGetta: Hold up. You ever seen Yo Gaba Gaba?

Questlove: Yeah. One episode like, 10 years ago.

SmokeCheddaThaAssGetta: Damn bro. Respect. You’re a legend for that one, fam.

GuapLord: Damn. That’s the woop-tie.

Nunya Bizness: No, it’s not. It’s not the woop-tie. Stop.

Ms. Queen Latifah: You know, I’m just very, very curious. Like, what got ya’ll into this? Who are your influences?

SmokeCheddaThaAssGetta: I like Fall Out Boys.

Nunya Bizness: How about rappers?

GuapLord: I would like to say the Car Rats.

SmokeCheddaThaAssGetta: I like Car Rats.

Ms. Queen Latifah: Who are Car Rats?

SmokeCheddaThaAssGetta: Remember? The rats were rapping and driving in a commercial?

Questlove: Wait. You mean the Kia hamsters?

SmokeCheddaThaAssGetta: Yee, yee, yee.

GuapLord: Skrr. Skrr.

Nunya Bizness: Uh-huh. Okay. So, no rappers then.

SmokeCheddaThaAssGetta: I mean, I like TikTok.

Nunya Bizness: Okay. Now I get it. You heard about rap from TikTok?

GuapLord and SmokeCheddaThaAssGetta: Yeah.

Nunya Bizness: Right. Well, that’s just an upsetting thing to hear.

Ms. Queen Latifah: Well, look. No disrespect, but that’s not the culture. That’s just an off shoe.

SmokeCheddaThaAssGetta: My last song got 3 billion streams bro.

Ms. Queen Latifah: Billion? With a ‘B’?

Nunya Bizness: Alright. What could you possibly made that got 3 billion streams?

GuapLord and SmokeCheddaThaAssGetta: Yee!

Nunya Bizness: You have a song called “Yee”?

GuapLord and SmokeCheddaThaAssGetta: Yeah.

Nunya Bizness: Is that your only song?

SmokeCheddaThaAssGetta: Well, we supposed to have other songs?

GuapLord: We could do a remix I guess.

SmokeCheddaThaAssGetta: We’re gonna do a remix I think.

Questlove: Okay, look. There’s space for all of us. I mean, hiphop is constantly evolving and I have respect for y’all for doing your own thing.

SmokeCheddaThaAssGetta: Na, na, na. See, okay, hold up. You’re gonna respect this. Check it. [GuapLord plays the music]

GuapLord and SmokeCheddaThaAssGetta: Yee, yee, skrr, yee, skrr, yee, skrr, skrr, skrr, roll up, yee, drop that, yee, skrr that, yee, pump that, ay, ay, ay.

GuapLord: You never loved me mom
but I needed you wo-o-o

[Questlove slaps GuapLord on his face]

Questlove: No! No! You sing like that on a rap record, man. You understand? Argh! I’m sorry. I apologize.

SmokeCheddaThaAssGetta: Yo, chill, bro. Come on!

Questlove: Chill? [Questlove punches SmokeCheddaThaAssGetta on his face] Dumb ass! Pissing me off. I’m sorry.

Nunya Bizness: No. I mean, you don’t need to be sorry. It’s okay. It’s what we all wanted to do. Let’s take a break. [to GuapLord and SmokeCheddaThaAssGetta] Are you guys alright?

SmokeCheddaThaAssGetta: Hey, dad. Can you come get us? Everyone here is super mean.

Dionne Warwick Talk Show

Dionne Warwick… Ego Nwodim

Britney… Punkie Johnson

Harry Styles… Timothée Chalamet

Chef… Andrew Dismukes

Billie Eilish… Melissa Villaseñor

Timothée Chalamet… Chloe Fineman

Machine Gun Kelly… Pete Davidson

[Starts with the show intro]

Male voice: She’s one of a kind. She speaks her mind. A Grammy winner and the queen of Twitter, it’s the Dionne Warwick Talk Show.

[Cut to Dionne Warwick in her set]

Dionne Warwick: Hello. Thank you. Welcome to the Dionne Warwick Talk Show. Maybe you know me from my music or maybe you have heard that I just discovered Twitter and these are actual tweets I tweeted out. [A tweet appears at the bottom of the screen.] “Hi, @chancetherapper, if you are very obviously a rapper, why did you put it in your stage name? I cannot stop thinking bout this.” Or this. [Another tweet appears at the bottom of the screen.] “How do send a tweet to @SnoopDogg? Did I do this correctly?” Thank you as always to my producer, my publicist and my niece, Britney.

[Cut to Britney]

Britney: Oh, hi. Happy to be here, Dionne.

Dionne Warwick: Did Snoop Dogg reply?

Britney: Not yet.

Dionne Warwick: Dang. Alright. Okay. Now, for my standup monologue. [Dionne Warwick stands. There’s music playing.]

[singing] What do you get when you fall in love?
a guy with a pin that burst your bubble

Thank you. Thank you. Let’s bring out our first guest. Harry Styles.

[Harry Styles walks in]

Harry Styles: Ms. Warwick. You’re a legend. I can’t believe it. I’m such a massive fan.

Dionne Warwick: Yes. And who are you?

Harry Styles: I’m Harry Styles. I’m a singer. Sort of essential fashion man and you could say I do it for everyone. [winks at the camera]

Dionne Warwick: No, no. But where do I know you from?

Harry Styles: Maybe you know my song, “Watermelon Sugar.”

Dionne Warwick: What is watermelon sugar?

Harry Styles: Well, I think it’s just about summer but some people think it’s about oral sex.

Dionne Warwick: That’s nasty.

Harry Styles: But, on a woman.

Dionne Warwick: Okay, now I like your ass. I like you a lot. Alright. One last question, Harry Styles. Why is Windy Williams being a bitch to me? She started beefing and now she acting like she can’t finish.

Harry Styles: Oh. I’m sorry. I don’t know who Wendy Williams is.

Dionne Warwick: Oh. I knew I liked your ass. Okay. Alright. Thank you for joining us. That’s enough. Go away. Go away. [Harry Styles leaves] Alright. Go on. Britney, baby, it is exciting to be on TV.

Britney: Oh, yes. Just like when you were on Celebrity Apprentice.

Dionne Warwick: No, I wasn’t. I briefly worked for Donald Trump.

Britney: That was the show, auntie.

Dionne Warwick: I don’t remember it that way. Okay. Now for our cooking segment. [Dionne Warwick stands and walks to the kitchen side. There’s a chef there.]

[singing] Keep smiling, [Chef: Hi, Ms. Walwick] keep shining

[Chef: Today were–] you know you can always count on me
for sure

[Dionne Warwick picks up a dish and eats it.]

hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm

Oh, pretty good. Thank you.

[Dionne Warwick walks back to her couch. The Chef is ignored.]

Alright. Let’s bring out our next guest. Ms. William Eyelash.

[Billie Eilish walks in]

Billie Eilish: Hi. Yeah, my name is actually Billie Eilish. I’m a singer.

[singing] I’m a bad type, making mama mad type
I’m a bad guy.

Dionne Warwick: Mm, that’s wonderful. So, Kesha–

Billie Eilish: No. I’m Billie Eilish.

Dionne Warwick: No, I know. So, why does Kesha have a dollar sign? And also Sia with the wig, she got a nose job or something.

Billie Eilish: Are you just going to keep asking me about other people?

Dionne Warwick: Yes. Now, Billie Eilish, you’re spooky. Can you put a hex on Windy Williams for me?

Billie Eilish: I could try.

Dionne Warwick: Okay. Thanks for coming.

[Billie Eilish leaves]

Okay. Our next guest has been making all my assistants blush. Timothée Chalamet.

[Timothée Chalamet walks in]

Timothée Chalamet: Oh, man. This is crazy. This is so cool.

Dionne Warwick: Okay. You seem young.

Timothée Chalamet: [laughing] Na. Na. Na. Na. [laughing] I guess.

Dionne Warwick: Okay, young man. That’s enough now. Help me with my phone. It is locked and I’m trying to send a clap back at Windy Williams. I just want to clap back.

Timothée Chalamet: Yes, yes.

[Timothée Chalamet takes the phone from Dionne Warwick and gives her his fist for a fist bump.]

Dionne Warwick: No, I don’t want to fist bump. Okay. You can take that back stage buddy. Alright, now.

[Timothée Chalamet walks out.]

Thank you for coming. Thank you for coming. Alright, next guest. Let’s welcome Machine Gun Kelly.

[Machine Gun Kelly walks in]

Machine Gun Kelly: Ae-yo. Wad up?

Dionne Warwick: No. That man is here to kill us.

Britney: No. It’s just his name, auntie.

Dionne Warwick: No. I don’t want to chance it, baby. Get him out of here.

Machine Gun Kelly: Alright. Whatever. Peace.

[Machine Gun Kelly walks out.]

Dionne Warwick: Phew! Much better. Alright. Okay, audience. We have come to the best part of the show. Everyone look under your chairs. Everyone gets a– [music starts]

[singing] Do you know the way to San Jose?

[The audience are looking under their chairs.]

Audience: There is nothing there.

Dionne Warwick: That’s right. I don’t owe you anything. Thank you for watching the Dionne Warwick Talk Show. Snoop, call me, baby!

The Christmas Conversation

Lauren Holt

Lauren’s mom… Heidi Garner

Ego Nwodim

Ego’s mom… Punkie Johnson

Marie… Chloe Fineman

Marie’s mom… Kate McKinnon

Marie’s dad… Jason Bateman

[Starts with Lauren video calling her mom. Her mom answers the call.]

Lauren’s mom: Hi, honey. I miss you so much.

Lauren: Hi, mom. I miss you too.

[Cut to Ego video calling her mom. Her mom answers the call.]

Ego’s mom: Oh, hey, baby. You called me just in time. I’m just in here making gumbo. I bet you miss my cooking now, don’t you?

Ego: You know I do, mama.

[Cut to Marie video calling her mom. Her mom answers the call.]

Marie: Hey, mom.

Marie’s mom: Hi, wait. I look terrible right now. Do we have to screentime?

Marie: Mom. You look fine.

Marie’s mom: Okay.

[Cut to Lauren]

Lauren: I was calling because I just wanted to let you know–

Ego: Mama, I don’t want you to get upset

Lauren, Ego and Marie: I won’t be able to come home for Christmas this year.

[Cut to “The Christmas Conversation” video bumper.]

Lauren’s mom: Oh, honey. You do not need to come home for Christmas, okay? I just want you to be safe.

Lauren: Really? Thanks, mom.

Lauren’s mom: Yeah. And I guess since you won’t be coming, I’ll just throw your stocking in the fire.

Lauren: Mom!

Ego: I just don’t think it’s safe.

Ego’s mom: Okay. Let’s talk about this later.

Ego: When?

Ego’s mom: When you’ve changed your damn mind.

Marie: I just don’t think it makes sense for me to travel right now.

Marie’s mom: If you don’t love me, Marie, just say so.

Marie: Oh my god! Mom!

Marie’s mom: I didn’t raise a coward.

Lauren’s mom: I totally agree about Christmas. But I do need you to come home tonight. There has been an emergency. Because I actually put all your old stuff in bags and I’ll need you to tell me what to donate. What about your first christening dress? is to keep or?

[Now, Maries dad is also with her mom.]

Marie’s dad: You know, your mother really misses you.

Marie: I know dad.

Marie’s dad: Are you not getting mad?

Marie: I know.

Marie’s dad: Is your heart not working, baby? This is your mother here.

Marie: I can tell.

Lauren’s mom: Oh my god! Look at that. Your first track meet. Remember how fast you were? How fast you were when you ran away from me half way across the country to Chicago? Should I get rid of it? Great!

Ego’s mom: We’re being safe. We’ve even quarantined in different rooms.

Ego: What? Why?

Ego’s mom: For safety.

[Ego’s dad joins the video call]

Ego’s dad: Hi, sweetie.

Ego’s mom: Your daughter has decided not to come home for Christmas this year.

Ego’s dad: [smiling] Oh, that’s okay. We’re gonna miss you, pumpkin.

Ego’s mom: No, it’s not okay, Ray.

Ego’s dad: [suddenly agreeing with his wife] No, it’s not okay and you need to come home.

Marie’s mom: Fine, we will fly to you.

Marie: Mom! No!

Marie’s mom: Why? It’s fine. I will quarantine in the plane bathroom.

Marie’s dad: Great fix darling. And daddy wears racket ball goggles to keep the virus out of my eyes. How about that?

Marie: That’s not how it works!

Marie’s mom: What if I died in a plane crash?

Marie’s dad: That’s a great point.

Marie’s mom: And that was the last thing you said to me?

Marie’s dad: Think about your dead mother.

Marie: That can’t happen if you don’t fly on a plane!

Lauren’s mom: [lying on the ground] Oh my god! The worst has happened. I’ve had a fall.

Lauren: Mom! I know you didn’t fall. You laid down very gingerly. I saw the whole thing.

Ego’s mom: Ray, aren’t you going to say anything?

Ego’s dad: We love you unconditionally.

Ego’s mom: No. Not that.

Ego’s dad: We love you conditionally? Just tell me what you want me to say. I’ll say it.

Marie’s dad: Are you seeing what you’ve done here. [her mom is facing away crying] I hope you’re proud of yourself.

Marie: You guys are insane.

Marie’s mom: I never visited my own mother enough. I guess this is my punishment.

Ego’s mom: Who you want to see that you can’t come home? Hah? I know you ain’t got no man.

Ego: Oh my god! Mom!

Marie’s dad: Your mother and I are being super, super safe.

[doorbell ringing]

Marie’s mom: Oh, that’s probably Bob. Excuse me. [goes to answer the door]

Marie: Who is Bob?

Marie’s dad: Oh, Bob is Sophie’s front line worker husband.

Marie’s mom: Bob! Come in.

Marie’s dad: Get in here.

Marie’s mom: Guys, masks off. We’re cool.

Marie: Please get these people out of your home.

Lauren’s mom: I guess that’s why I don’t get to have a family for Christmas.

Ego’s mom: I didn’t realize how much I like being by myself.

Ego: Calm down!

[Lauren’s mom is just screaming]

Lauren: What’s happening?

Marie’s dad: Honey, listen. We are going to miss you but we’re always gonna love you. Right here.

Marie: I love you too.

Ego’s mom: We still love you, baby.

Ego’s dad: We love you.

Lauren’s mom: I miss you, but I love you.

Lauren: I love you too, mom.

Marie’s mom: But I’d love you more if you came home. I don’t know, who’s to say? I’m kidding. I love you.

Your Voice Chicago

Louis Tibbs… Kenan Thompson

Jamele Demmings… Issa Rae

Lisa Crowder… Ego Nwodim

D’Angelo Banks… Chris Redd

Crystal… Punkie Johnson

Caviar… Maya Rudolph

[Starts with Your Voice Chicago intro] [Cut to J. Louis Tibbs in his set]
  1. Louis Tibbs: Good morning. It’s your boy Chicago. I am J. Louis Tibbs coming to you on this Sunday at 7:30 AM. Right before a two hour commercial for a pot that you can cook a steak in. Joining me to talk local politics, our lead council for Chicago’s in AACP Jamele Demmings and a freelance writer for the Root, Lisa Crowder. Now, there’s so much talk about the national election. But today, we focus on the local candidates.

Lisa Crowder: Which are so important. Representation begins at the street level.

  1. Louis Tibbs: Indeed. Indeed. So, Jamele, any strategy that you’re using to vet some of these candidates?

Jamele Demmings: Louis, I’ll be honest. I’m voting for everybody black.

  1. Louis Tibbs: Everybody black?

Jamele Demmings: That’s right. For too long, our people’s voices have not been heard. It’s our duty to stand together and take out power back.

Lisa Crowder: Okay. I hear you.

  1. Louis Tibbs: Okay. Representation matters. So, let’s first look at cook county’s third district where four time incumbent Frank Polaski is running against 29 year old lawyer, Charlotte Raines. Now, Charlotte has no experience in politics.

Jamele Demmings: Which is exactly why we need her. This is what I’m talking about. New voices. It’s the only way any change will happen.

Lisa Crowder: Okay, I like that. You bet on black, girl.

  1. Louis Tibbs: Okay. Looks like we got out favorite there. Let’s go to district J. Louis Tibbs0 which features a billionaire. Incumbent Scott Trebor is running against Rashad Carter.

Jamele Demmings: A billionaire? Now, see, how can someone who’s so rich know anything about us? Okay? Money corrupts the whole system.

  1. Louis Tibbs: No. Actually, Rashad Carter is the billionaire. He owns a software company.

Jamele Demmings: Hmm. And I find that so inspiring. We need more entrepreneurs like that. We need more entrepreneurs like that in our community.

Lisa Crowder: Look, at least he pays his taxes.

Jamele Demmings: That’s right. I gotta go with the democrat on this one.

  1. Louis Tibbs: Well, Scott Trebor is the democrat. Rashad Carter is libertarian.

Jamele Demmings: Which is what I like about him. He’s an independent thinker.

  1. Louis Tibbs: Okay, great. Let’s go to the city comp patroller race between democrat Catherine Lacy and independent candidate, Reverend D’Angelo Banks. [Reverend D’Angelo Banks looks like a rapper and he’s posing like one.]

Lisa Crowder: No, sorry. I knew this man in elementary school. for some reason, he had a dukie stain on his shoulder. So, he’s a pastor now?

  1. Louis Tibbs: Well, he has only been a reverend for eight months. And he has no church. He says that god has got him ‘on their way’. Let’s take a look at one of his recent Town Halls.
[Cut to reverend D’Angelo Banks speaking in his Town Hall. He is alone.]

D’Angelo Banks: Ay, to the man. Yes friends, the rumors are true. I spent money on a lot of strippers. But, you have to understand that was only because I owned a chain of strip clubs. But I put that life behind me right after the clubs were shut down for tax fraud, hallelujah. Outlaw masturbation, I don’t love it. Amen.

[Cut back to the studio]
  1. Louis Tibbs: Looks like their town hall took place outside of a dry cleaners. Alright, do we like reverent Banks?

Jamele Demmings: Absolutely.

Lisa Crowder: Oh, come on. He just said he committed tax fraud. The comptroller handles the city’s money.

Jamele Demmings: Which is perfect. He knows the system and all the loopholes. It’d be like hiring Wesley Snipes to do your taxing.

  1. Louis Tibbs: Okay. Let’s go over to district 6 where the district’s first Asian representative Daniel Lee is running against a conservative online duo that was featured on Fox News and recently spoke at the CPAC convention, Crystal and Caviar.

Lisa Crowder: I actually didn’t know it was legal to run as a team.

  1. Louis Tibbs: Oh, it’s not. Either way, their newest live stream video came out today. Why don’t we take a look.
[Cut to Crystal and Caviar’s video]

Crystal: The media is always putting out fake news.

Caviar: Always!

Crystal: They say our president lied.

Caviar: Come on!

Crystal: Well, he is not a liar.

Caviar: Well, sometimes he just exaggerates.

Crystal: Um-hmm. And they say we have to wear a mask in the grocery store.

Caviar: No!

Crystal: But I don’t need a mask coz I am blessed. [music playing]

Crystal and Caviar: [rapping] The mask is death, the mask is death
can’t go all day smelling my own breath

[Cut back to the studio]
  1. Louis Tibbs: Okay. Jamele, your thoughts on Crystal and Caviar?

Jamele Demmings: Give me a minute.

Lisa Crowder: I’m sorry, but these two have absolutely no way–

Jamele Demmings: Wait! I got it. Stay with me. These ladies are passionate. And we need more of that in politics, right?

Lisa Crowder: I guess.

Jamele Demmings: Daniel Lee has been in office for 18 years now. We want someone who’s been out there working in the real world.

  1. Louis Tibbs: Well, both Crystal and Caviar are unemployed.

Jamele Demmings: Which is why we need to give them jobs as state representatives. Lift them up.

Lisa Crowder: Okay. I’m lifting. But sometimes, it’s hard.

  1. Louis Tibbs: It’s actually not that hard. Now, we take a break, when we come back, we’ll talk about the presidential race between Donald Trump, Joe Biden and Kanye West.

Jamele Demmings: Kanye? F him!

First Date Exes

Sharon… Issa Rae

Dwayne… Chris Redd

Clifford… Kenan Thompson

Karate man… Pete Davidson

Robot… Bowen Yang

Crystal… Punkie Johnson

Sharon: I guess the waiter forgot to give us menus.

Dwayne: Oh, no. The menu’s on the barcode thing. You just go and take a picture of it and it pops on your phone.

Sharon: Oh. That’s convenient.

Dwayne: Right? I take you haven’t been out on any dates since COVID?

Sharon: Not really. But then, I didn’t really date much before COVID either.

Dwayne: Really? That’s surprising.

Sharon: Yes. I don’t have the best luck with guys. They all end up crazy.

Dwayne: Oh. So, what’s your type?

Sharon: Not you.

Dwayne: Damn!

Sharon: No, no. I didn’t mean it like that. That came out wrong. I meant I don’t usually date guys who take me to fancy places like this. This is really nice.

Dwayne: Oh. Well, I’m happy I could show you something different.

Sharon: Me too.

Dwayne: You know, what’s really good is this crab ravioli. It comes in this cream, right.

[a guy walks in with a roses in his hand. He looks poor.]

Clifford: Sharon?

Sharon: Oh, god.

Clifford: Sharon, that is you, girl.

Sharon: Hey, Clifford.

Clifford: You are looking good. Um. Um. Um. I see you. Got them yams all out. Um-hmm. Toes looking all pretty. Titty meat popping out.

Sharon: Clifford, I’m kind of busy right now.

Clifford: Oh, oh, my bad. I don’t mean to intrude.

Sharon: Well, you are.

Clifford: Okay, okay. Live your life, girl. Live your life. But it is good to see you. Here you go. Um, um, um. [Clifford pours wine on Sharon’s glass] The one that got away.

Sharon: Good bye, Clifford.

Clifford: Oh. Alright. Ay, bro, she is the woman, alright? Don’t mess it up like I did.

Dwayne: Okay.

Clifford: [handing over the rose] Hey, you want to buy this flower?

[Dwayne is reaching over to his wallet]

Sharon: You don’t have to do that. Bye, Clifford.

Clifford: Why you hating on my business? Okay, fine.

Sharon: I am so sorry about that.

Dwayne: No, it’s cool. You know him or something?

Sharon: Yeah, we sort of kind of dated for a while.

Dwayne: Like, when ya’ll were kids?

Sharon: No. We used to work together. Anyway, so the ravioli in the cream sauce?

Dwayne: The what now?

Sharon: The crab ravioli.

Dwayne: Oh, yes.

[a guys wearing a karate gee walks in shouting]

Karate man: I will burn this whole place to the ground. [looks at Sharon] Sharon? You girl?

Sharon: You gotta be kidding. Hey, karate man.

Dwayne: Karate man?

Karate man: Konichiwa, girl. Look at you. Legs all out like pa-dow! Titty meat like Ka-ram!

Dwayne: Yo, my man.

Karate man: Karate man.

Dwayne: Okay, karate man. Do you mind? We on a date right now.

Karate man: A date? So, that’s how you living now, Sharon?

Sharon: Karate man, what do you want from me? You said you wanted your space so I gave it to you.

Karate man: You right, you right. But losing you is my only regret.

Dwayne: You only have one regret?

Karate man: Anyway, I’ll go. I don’t mean to ruin your feng shui.

Sharon: Well, you are.

Karate man: Take care of her, man. [whispering] She likes her butt slapped.

Sharon: I am so sorry. Wow. Two exes on a row. What are the odds?

Dwayne: And he broke up with you?

Sharon: I wish. He just ghosted me. Maybe we should just go inside?

Dwayne: We can’t. They’re like, 2% capacity. Where are you meeting these dudes?

Sharon: Oh. Work, mostly. Look, I don’t want to talk about them. Tell me about you. What do you do?

Dwayne: Well, I just made partner at the law firm I work at. First person.

[Another guy who is fully painted like a statue walks in]

Robot: Is that Sharon?

Sharon: Don’t look.

Dwayne: That’s another one?

Robot: That is Sharon. I see you tryna’ hide from me, girl, acting like that. I’d recognize that titty meat anywhere.

Sharon: Oh, hey, Robot. It’s been a while.

Robot: Remember my dog, Astro? I see you got a little chocolate daddy now, too. I ain’t mad at you, girl.

Dwayne: What the hell did he call me?

Robot: Look, I ain’t got time to flap gums. I’m late for a protest. They’re trying to close down the peep world on 8th avenue. Hey, you using them dinner rolls? I need some carbs.

Sharon: Just take them, Robot.

Robot: Well, I’ll see you around, sugar foot

Dwayne: Okay, tell me you didn’t date him too.

Sharon: No. He was just a work friend. But we’ve had a lot of sex.

Dwayne: Ew. Where the hell do you work?

Sharon: Just around the corner. I told you. I’m an Elsa.

Dwayne: An Elsa?

Sharon: Yes. I’m a Time Square Elsa. First woman of color, by the way.

Dwayne: Okay, you definitely never told me that.

Sharon: Remember? I said I was a princess?

Dwayne: I thought you just meant your dad was rich.

Sharon: Look, I’m sorry if this is all too weird. Maybe I should just leave.

Dwayne: No, no, no. Wait. Look, I’m not going to judge you based off your past. Let’s just forget all that and start over. Deal?

[a very unhygienic looking woman walks in]

Crystal: Dwayne? Is that you, Dwayne?

Dwayne: Oh, hey, Crystal.

Crystal: Who is this bitch?

Dwayne: Are you drunk?